#still never going to be a phandom blog again but tagging this dnp anyway

[endlessfuckup]

tickets sold out before the website even loaded

[two4000yroldtortoises]

time machine meet-up : a lurkers pov (lolzies)

here's a long one lads:

i got into dan and phil in june of 2019. in fact i watched dans coming out video just a few days after moving 5000 miles away from where i grew up. phil's video came out literally 9 days after we arrived at the new house. i rushed into the living room to happily cry to my poor mother about how stoked i was. at the time, we were still sleeping on air mattresses, eating in an empty kitchen using plastic plates and camping chairs. i was 13. queer, adhd riddled, anxious and desperately lonely. dan and phil were the first friends i made in my new home.

while they were on hiatus i caught up. i followed their tags on instagram and spent that first summer scrolling endlessly, filling the hole where friends used to be with old videos and compilations and fanart and fan fiction.

i went to my first pride in my new home with cat whiskers delicately drawn on my face. i hoped it would give me community. id be able to find my people at that march. i didn't. i found them later, but that's a whole other story.

in the last 4-ish years i've become a totally different person. i'm more confident, more open with others and myself, im queerer and weirder and more happy than i have been since i gained consciousness. ive come into myself in so many ways. and now that dan and phil are back, i see the changes in myself reflected in them and it's so, so healing. they're so much funnier, so much kinder, so much gayer and weirder and hornier and louder and so deeply and beautifully and unapologetically themselves.

i love you dan and phil, even though I've never said it. just quietly parasocial, too scared to comment or start a blog or twitter. i'm one of those silent watchers dan talked about in "why i quit youtube", being saved and healed and helped and supported without making a sound. so thanks for that, lads.

and i love you phannies (despite your stupid, stupid fandom name), i love the acceptance and weirdness and queerness and loudness and confident cringyness of this community. i love the home you've built for freaks and geeks on this circle of hell we call the internet. so thank you for that.

i probably won't ever post anyth on this blog again, i just wanted to put it out there how dnp have helped us too, the ones too scared to make friends in the phandom. thank you all for creating a place we can go to anyway, even if we never really interact. thank you for being so unapologetic and so weird. thank you for being so gay and so loud.

here's to many more years of being old, gay, and giving no fucks.

me: 2019 -> 2024