#still my laptop is fucking broken kms

[widevibratobitch]

[hacker voice] IM IN

[the-mortifying-ordeal-of]

This one is long and ugly (sounds like my first time)

Omfggggggg, y'aaaaaalllll, I HAVE A LAPTOP AGAINNNN. I could look back on my primary blog for the timestamp on when my old laptop died and I had to start Tumbling from my phone like a savage, but I have missed typing so muchhhhh omggggg think of all the fuckin free association blogging I'm going to be able to do now!!! If you thought my previous posts were long....

Ugh god ok so my fucking ecstasy at being able to type and do so many other things again aside, I pulled up Tumblr on my laptop for the first time bc I wanna process some shit (obvs).

Wait hold on, first, I had dinner with MUC and her sister at like, 7ish last night, and felt good about my macros and totals, but now it's 3p and I still haven't broken my streak. I feel a little dizzy, especially when I stand up or do strength exercises, but my stomach and cravings are not loud at all and I'm fucking stoked. I have family dinner tonight so having this streak be 20h so far is fucking incredible, I feel so good.

My primary objective here though is to process my absolute fucking (I'm realizing I'm getting to say fuck a lot more now that I'm not conserving energy and typing only the bare necessities; I'm also noticing that my longer nails, though a satisfying sign that I haven't been biting them, feel wrong on the keyboard) rage with MUC about her mental health journey. Several months ago, I think the end of August, I had asked her if she had ever experienced depression and anxiety (because I was feeling bitter and broken and lonely and was utterly sick of her passive witnessing and shitty superficial scripted responses to my breakdowns) and she said idk. So obviously I pulled up the PHQ9 and GAD7 and completed a screening on her, and she actually scored moderately for both. At the time I was secretly pissed and hella defensive and processed with Wilson that if MUC, the most healthy-passing motherfucker I have ever met in my life, self-scored herself as moderately severe on both depression and anxiety, then I should just kms because I'm a lost cause. I also felt invalidated, or maybe like she was encroaching on my territory...? or like she obviously didn't have respect for the severity of my experiences if she thought her experiences were that bad....? Idk it was some unhealthy, toxic bullshit on my part and Wilson was so lovely about redirecting me to the perspective that MUC must be really good at masking and hiding and passing and it's sad that she's been suffering so much for so long without help. MUC herself was surprised by her scores, and has now also been reflecting that she is curious if she has ADD (and I've heard her talk in the past about wondering if she has a mood disorder like her dad, who allegedly has bipolar 2 [I have strong defensive opinions on that, too]), and MUC has also talked a lot now about how the "overeating" element of the PHQ9 has always been a constant thing in her life; I knew she had/has a lot of shame around her body and weight and her mom&sister both have really unhealthy relationships to eating and food.

Anyway, MUC has been playing with the idea of identifying with depression, and maybe also anxiety, and she proposed that I complete the screening with her every two weeks + she scheduled a psychiatrist appointment + she asked for my non-pharm recommendations and I said 150m HR-elevating cardio and 120m outside time per week. We've done a few screenings since then, and I do notice myself still getting angry and defensive, especially since she has not once reported a 0 on the thoughts of hurting yourself or thinking you'd be better off gone. I cannot even begin to wrap my head around how fucked up it is that she scores herself as a 1 on that and my reaction is rage. But I just... If I'm brutally honest with myself, I think she's faking it, or exaggerating it - not on purpose, but I think she's so fucking naive and sheltered and optimistic and privileged that she doesn't understand that the real thing is so much worse, that she wouldn't be able to mask and pass this well for so long if it was really as bad as she says, and I just.. I'm angry. I'm so fucking angry. And I'm trying to keep my mouth shut because I know I'm in the wrong and this is my shit to work through.

Ok so anyway she's been prepping for this psychiatrist appt, and I've been trying to set her expectations that it won't be talk therapy, it's entirely possible she'll get a super dehumanizing clinician who just sees her as a medical puzzle, and she definitely won't get feedback or a diagnosis that definitively tells her what is going on with her, not now and especially not historically. She's been doing lots of talking with her family, asking them about their MH symptoms and med trials. She also asked what med I would recommend for her.

Meanwhile, several weeks ago she was filling out intake paperwork for this appointment and she said she erred on the side of endorsing symptoms if she wasn't sure if she had experienced them; partly this makes sense, because she didn't realize she was depressed (IS she depressed? or is she just sad and sensitive and in a shitty situation at work and with her family? does it fucking matter if she's suffering and scoring moderately on both depression and anxiety?) so she wants to err on the side of saying she might have experienced something, so that the doc can have that conversation with her. She also apparently spent like, a long ass time in the narrative section of the intake paperwork talking about her work life and the stuff going on with her family, and THAT also pissed me off because while yes, both are stressful, I don't consider either situation to be toxic or particularly traumatizing and I just... OH GOD THAT WAS ANOTHER THING, the intake form also asked about traumas experienced (which, eh, I dunno how I feel about that on an intake without supports.. you could trigger someone by forcing a narrative account that doesn't actually guide clinical practice before the appointment... just use universal precautions and address that in session if they endorse PTSD symptoms?), and she balked at that and I thought she was having the same response as me, but no, she was like "I don't know if I've experienced trauma, isn't that for the clinician to tell me..?" and I wanted to shout NO MOTHERFUCKER, YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU'D HAD TRAUMA BECAUSE IT WOULD FUCK UP YOUR WHOLE LIFE AND YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO FUNCTION AND PASS. Jesus Christ my heart rate and breathing are fucked up just thinking about it. So mad.. I'm so, so, so awfully mad.

But anyway, her appointment is today, and the doc is 20m late, and the telehealth audio is crap, and the doc apparently spent a long fucking time talking to her about her eating because MUC identified as experiencing "binge eating" and obviously the provider was concerned about that. MUC was telling me that in hindsight, she probably should have said overeating, and I couldn't help myself, I asked "Do you eat differently when you're alone?" and she was like "Uhhh, well, I don't know.. maybe.. but definitely not with you and my sister" and then I asked "Do you keep any secrets around food, or what you take in?" and again she was like "Uhhhh, well... no.... well, yeah, from my mom!" (who is very judgmental and the epitome of an almond mom) and I didn't say anything, just hummed in acknowledgement, and we moved on, but I just.. I want to shake her. You would fucking know if you ate differently when you're alone, or if you keep food secrets. You would fucking know if you were depressed. You would fucking know if you were anxious. You would fucking know if you'd had trauma. You would fucking know you would know you wouldn't be able to hide it FROM YOURSELF??? I feel like she's fishing and I don't think it's for ego reasons but I think she's genuinely curious and does not fucking realize what life is like for other people. I know she's in a tough season of life, and her work situation is very sad and stressful, and the situation with her dad and parents is very sad and stressful, and I know that my two-month avoidance of sex and romance with her is sad and stressful (for her), but I cannot get over how defensive and annoyed I feel with her implying that normal fucking human emotional responses to hard things is a mental health disorder, meanwhile I have spent the past year letting her fuck me despite my sex trauma THAT I TOLD HER ABOUT SEVERAL TIMES and letting her say we've been having great sex despite my ... my everything, letting her call me her girlfriend despite the breakup of my 11 year relationship and my explicit rejection of big R relationships and telling her not to think I would "warm up to it" or "come around," letting her plan all these fucking trips and activities that we split 50/50 despite my abject poverty that I talk about all the fucking time, letting her make flippant dead dad jokes as I try to keep my shit together around my utter devastation, letting her enable my drinking and my smoking despite the fact that I've been so fucking open that I'm addicted and out of control around both, and then meanwhile hiding this horrific, obsessive, destructive, delusional descent into Ed Sheeran that I've got going on... I just.. I'm full-tilt toxic special snowflake illness identity right now, it's the hissing defensive screeching when other people claim to be the same enneagram number as me.. but she says she's depressed and I've been fighting SI and SH for over a year, she says she's anxious but I'm constantly cancelling plans and isolating because I can't handle my shame, she says she might have ADD and I could lose my job any fucking day now if someone realizes that I can't work more than 7 minutes at a time, that I only MAYBE put in an hour of work a day, she says she binge eats and I hide everything I eat, am constantly thinking about food, I steal and keep secrets and track and monitor and obsess and cycle and meanwhile she's complimenting my newly-visible bones. She says she has trauma because her mom over-functioned as her emotionally immature dad developed functional alcoholism and left when she was in her 30s. I watched my dad die after 20 years of homelessness and alcoholism as my emotionally unavailable mom hurt me, judged me, pathologized me, and left me feral. MUC is loved and respected by everyone, has a thriving and promising career, got her advanced degree, has all these profoundly deep satisfying relationships, she can come twice whenever the fuck she wants to and she makes twice as much money as I do.

I know that suffering isn't a competition, and I should take myself out of the picture and stop comparing.. If she's sad, she's sad; if she's hurting, she's hurting. She deserves to feel 100%, her best, fully capable, fully thriving... and if meds help that, then she deserves it. But now she's on my same medication, and my only solace is that she's on half the dose that I am, but I hate how angry and defensive and awful I am about it. I want to love her and support her and encourage her journey, and instead I'm guarding it like a horrific, toxic, gatekeeping dragon with a hoard of diagnoses that I don't want to share with anyone else. I feel awful and ugly and feral and bitter and I'm so disappointed in myself but I've been bottling it up because I know I'm in the wrong but the feelings won't go away until I move through them so here I am. Confessing. Feeling so much shame. And still angry.

Closing in on 21 hours though.. and the hunger is kicking in, but I think I'll wait another hourish until family dinner. In the meantime I can knock out some more work (I'm so fucking behind fuck shit fuck), and maybe google the menu options for the restaurant so I can be prepared. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.

Life really is better now that I'm on meds, and I know things are improving, and I have a good handle on my life.. I just.. am also a toxic narcissist sometimes. At least I know to keep it to myself? And Tumblr. Forgive me Tumblr.

[gmos]

kind of losing it with how everything costs money usually at least 100 dollars and like THATS TOO MUCH! THATS TOO MUCH! I DONT HAVE THAT! i cant sell jewelry for more than $10 apiece bc everyone who likes my art is broke!

[morbidesque]

I literally don’t care

[crashpaddiaries]

Dear Crashpad Diary #22

Today I´ll tell you about: Internet everywhere / Longest walking day ever / Pooing at 4130 masl / Snow storms / Pizza and good chat

Ahooooooooy beasts! =)

How are you?? I hope youre as awesome as we are over here!! =)

The story today is about an expedition… an epic trip… an “epopeia” through the valleys and high peaks of the Himalayan range! and a little bit of suffering! haha =) hehe

I haven´t written much while we were at the trekking because I did not want to bring the pc… however… I was amazed and surprised by the availability internet and phone network up there… pretty much everywhere hehe and whenever, back home, we leave Dublin and go to the Wicklow Mountains (that should be called Wicklow Hills if compared with the Himalayas)… no service and isolation!! hahahahah what a funny world isn’t it?? hehe

So… my bag had already 16 kg without the pc… and I took out the second cam lens for example…. no way to bring a laptop up there hehehehe

The first days… from Kathmandu to Pokhara, then, from there to Gandruk… well… it was fine… and not tiring at all… hahaha maybe trying to hold ourselves at the buses hahahah

The trekking started on our 2nd day… we walked in average around 8 hours or so a day… what a fantastic scenery… the “sendero” goes up and down in a infinite number of steps, passing through valleys… small villages… jungles… feels sometimes that youre in the middle of the Amazon or some remote place in Peru!

The days were supposed to be ok-ish… around 6 hours of trek a day.. fine!! but… nope!! haha We got 8 hours the first day… and the biggest stair I’ve ever seen hehehe but we made it!! Kinda… cuz Lara started feeling the knee.. along side to all the tiredness.. which is normal… feel hours of sleep and we would be new!! =)

The day after we started early… aiming for the base camp before the Annapurna one… generally, people make it “only” to 2 villages before because of the length of the day walking and they get wrecked hehe

Well…. Challenge accepted!! and off we went! =)

On the way we split cuz Lara and Fabio were slower and she was feeling the knee too bad…. since the beginning we were walking and stopping to regroup and then keep going… but this time was different… they weren’t catching up… so at certain point we stopped for a long time and the guide came to us and let us know that they had given up and would go for another trekking… shorter… (dunno where… cuz she told me they walked around 8 hours the next few days too!! haha)

So… there we were… Luh, Stephen, the guide and myself… some hours late… with few kms done… and wanting to go further than the normal day trek…. we speeded up to the lunch place… we would have to go faster but “itll be fine!!”. But you know that the universe always provides us with the best adventure possible haha As soon as we got there an huge snow storm came towards us… to give ya an idea… we were at 2700 masl and I was wearing shorts and t-shirt… as soon as we stopped… it got so cold that we put all our clothes hahaha

We breath an chowmein as fast as we could… put up all the gear for snow and there we went again.. agains the wind, snow, tiredness, but enjoying the expedition and the experience… passing through the avalanche risk area, the valleys with stunning view, going up and up… and few mins before got dark we reached almost 4000 fucking metres above sea level hahahah In your face altitude!! hahahah What a long day!!

But not before getting to a place and learning that they didn’t have availability…. so we had to walk a bit more to another one 10 mins away… but closer to the summit hahahahaha

You could ask me… why not stay where everyone stays?? Cuz we wanted to suffer a bit more, cuz we wanted to see the sunrise at the basecamp, cuz we are not normal, cuz we like challenges!! haha …. you can pick one reason!! =)

That night we got the best pizza ever… chatted a bit and went to bed… was freezing… but before I had to take some pics and took my bro out of bed to be in one of them haha he could not believe I was asking him to go out after getting inside the “cozy” sleeping bag…. as I said… the pain is momentary but the experience is forever!! We got maybe 3 hours of sleep only because sleeping at that  high is freaking hard…. no way counting sheep… they would die of cold! hahaha

Aaaaaaaaaaand the day arrived… we woke up at 4am to start walking towards the last stop…. the ABC…. we felt at that time what feels like to be in an proper expedition… freezing cold… night time… the moon shining… the snow reflecting it…. silence… our chains and sticks breaking the silence and peace…. up there feel lights from the head torchs of people that started a bit earlier showed us the way to our target and the night still going on….

After few hours we made it to the basecamp… I stopped to take pics before it got too bright and the guys kept going cuz twas seriously cold!! so cold that when we got to the top Stephen had to wait maybe 30 mins to stop feeling pain in his toes… or start having sensibility on´em hahahaha

Remember… Pain is momentary… hahaha

Luh was desperate to go to the toilet when got there… the problem is that I was the one carrying the bag (we decided go light and I carried the water, snacks and…. toilet paper hahaha)… and I was having fun freezing my hands off taking long exposure pics down there hahaha

As soon as I got there Luh went running … well… he could not run by that time…. lets say he went as fast as he could… and performed the highest poo he´s ever done… 4130 masl…. long way until his poo gets to the sea!! hahahahaha

It wouldn’t be fair trying to describe the views and experiences up there so… I just wanna say that there is no words to express the trekking and it is more worthy!! So… if you have the chance.. grab it without second thought!! =)

Sweeeeeeeeeeeet beasts… this post is kinda broken cuz I’ve been trying to write for the las 2 weeks but we got busy and we all are doing loads of things at the same time… haha Sorry about that tho!!

Luv yas!! =) All the best vibes and have fun in your day… smile and be happy!!

Cheers,

Evan

ps… the pics of the trekking is available on flickr!! =)