#still have post concert depression after weezer

[self-acclaimed-fangirl]

January 2, 2018

A Quick Update:

So I’ve only recently been active on Tumblr for a few months after a year or two, aside from a few stray posts every once and awhile when I would log on out of extreme boredom, or the occasional cry for help when my depression got bad and I had nowhere else to vent. So here’s a quick update of my life in the last year. 

Probably the biggest news is that I dropped out of college. For those that don’t know or don’t remember, I was attending Millikin University pursuing a degree in music. I just did not excel and my depression kept getting worse and worse. It was to the point I was having several anxiety attacks a day and was rarely - if ever - showing up to class. I guess you could say I flunked out of school, despite it almost being a mutual farewell... though if my family were ever to ask, I definitely dropped. 

During my last semester, I was enrolled in a bariatric surgery program (aka weight loss surgery). I’m at my highest weight right now. Which I’ll get into later. At the time my mental health was too terrible to continue, so I was in therapy. During therapy, my mother had an absolutely terrible time with the workers in the program and so we both decided to drop it. We’ve been in pursuit of a different one, but being in such a rural part of the state, there aren’t many options nearby.

After I left college, I was hired on full-time as a shift manager at Sbarro. I learned a lot there. I feel like I grew as a person and I’m thankful for that insite to real, everyday life. Not that I haven’t had jobs before, but they were always just part time, during the summer jobs for some spending money. I had a lot of issues there with higher management. I and my family both feel I experienced a sort of emotional abuse there. It was almost like I was a kid on a playground again. Suffice to say, I completed a full year there as of December 5, 2017, and am no longer employed there. 

I adopted a cat!! Well.. sort of. Last April a stray cat showed up around the yard and he just sort of chose the family. My grandma and mother don’t want another indoor cat, so we made him a home on our front porch with a heated cat house, plastic to block the wind and keep the cold out (it comes down during the winter so he doesn’t get hot), and plenty of water, food, and loves. He is a orange tabby that I named Butters (Mr. Butters, Bubs, Bubbers, etc.). His story is strange, we have no idea where he came from. Originally we thought he was a female because he didn’t have balls (lol I’m sorry to be so blunt), but when we took him to be spayed, they told us they couldn’t spay her because she was a boy that was ALREADY neutered!! I love my Butters. 

I’ve fallen for so many people... which is hilarious and strange because I don’t fall for people easily. I mean, like... it’s really hard, almost. I find that I have to have a lot in common with the person and really really enjoy their company and conversation. Three boys and one girl have broken my heart to pieces. I don’t want to specifically name names but... Richard you’re a tremendous cunt and the boy scouts would be much better off if you had never been a part of them. And Nick... we  bonded over love of Marianas Trench. The band that absolutely is the soundtrack to my heart. I let you in and you deceived me. You can kindly kiss the fattest part of my ass. As far as the other two, you broke my heart but there really wasn’t anything that could be done about it, as it was out of both of our hands. Best wishes to you.

Concerning my weight... some of you may know that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). If you’re not familiar with this it’s basically like my ovaries are at war. With what I’m not sure to describe... each other maybe?? My body is more likely. In short, I produce too much testosterone, my ovaries (may or may not) have cysts on them at any given time, my period is out of whack (to be accurate I haven’t had a natural period since I was probably 13, all other periods since then have been induced from medicine), I have extreme trouble loosing weight, ect. If you’re that interested you can look it up. But this chronic disease makes my life a living hell and I’m very displeased to have it. Honestly I just want to be a regular woman. I’m extremely overweight and obese at the moment. Other than this my health is good, but things have to change. I’m considering taking up the keto diet, which a lot of cycters  (PCOS diagnosed nickname) have. I suppose we shall see. 

We almost moved back to North Carolina this summer. There was a perfect little house not far from our beloved island that we even had pending on purchase. But my grandmother decided not to go along with it. Which broke my heart because I absolutely loved the place. The backyard looked out on Slew Point Road that my Pap-Pap (Great-Grandpa) grew up on. It was in a beautiful neighborhood and was in just such a perfect place... I fear that I’ll never end up leaving Illinois. Though, I do have many fears about actually leaving. I fear leaving all my friends behind. As a little kid I always fantasized about our children being friends and growing up together. Though, since most of my friends and old classmates have already begun to have children, and I’m not even looking at being in a serious relationship anytime soon, I doubt that will happen. If I ever end up having a child it will probably be 10(+) years. 

I’ve attended a great deal of concerts... From 5 Seconds of Summer (I might have still been on Tumblr regularly when that one happened), to seeing my favorite island man, Jimmy Buffett (TWICE!!), childhood favorite, Alan Jackson, My heart, Marianas Trench, A rained out Panic! At the Disco/Weezer concert (That one was terrible, we stood in the rain for 3 + hours just for them to end up canceling the concert on us at the end of the third hour), to a kick ass Foo Fighters concert this past November and finally getting to see ED SHEERAN in concert!!!! ... I’d have to say my list of live music events is something I could pretty much die happy with right now. 

Well, I’m sure there’s plenty more I could elaborate on and inform you of, But I’ve been typing for like 40 minutes so I’m just going to leave this as my update. I may potentially write more updates in the future. We’ll see. 

Have a wonderful day/night wherever you are! <3

[brednurie-blog]

happy birthday, bren

31. You are 31 years old. I have adored you since you were 26, and to this day, I am so immensely thankful that I was able to discover you as an artist and a role model. I am still trying to figure out how I’m going to say everything that I have to say in this post. I guess I’ll start here.

2013. One rollercoaster of a year. My life was in shambles and my depressive episodes were nearly every day. There were weeks where I felt completely disconnected from my life, and it felt as if reality was a dream. You’re probably expecting me to say that one day I discovered your music and it was all sunshine and rainbows from then on, which is partially true. However, it wasn’t the music that changed my life, it was you.

Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die had just been released. Being the avid music fan that I am, I stumbled upon the album and listened to it because I’m always one for finding new artists. There is a multitude of words that could describe the feeling I experienced in that moment. I was speechless. Amazed. Taken aback. Interested. In awe. But most importantly, I felt so utterly grounded that it felt like I was glowing from the inside out. It was as if I had found the anchor to tie me down and keep me from floating away. Needless to say, I purchased your album on the spot as well as your other ones and received a predictable yet hefty ITunes bill.

Your music motivates me to do my best. I listen to your music while studying, going to sleep, walking down the street, or even just laying in bed on my phone. My little exploration into your music resulted in the warmest welcome into your fan base. Calling myself a sinner is as important to me as saying I am a human. Everything was a bit new for me, since I had never been as invested into a fandom before Panic! but I caught on quickly.

Panic! At The Disco was like a subject in school for me. I learned trivia questions, every single lyric, the entire array of band members, inside jokes and important moments. I wasn’t obsessive, as other people are, I was mostly just in awe of the art I had discovered. I purchased T-shirts. Way. Too. Many. T-shirt’s. I think I’m at 32 now, with a portion of them being tour shirts. Along with the shirts, I have posters, home decor, records, accessories, magazines and many other things. If Panic! is on it, I probably own it. My parents have even joined the fan base, and hype you up just as much as I do. However the material value isn’t important to me. I fell in love with the music, and that is what sparked my emo descent into all things P!ATD.

I will be seeing you for the third time in July of this year, and I am absolutely ecstatic. I already have my plan for the day all laid out. I remember crying at my first concert. It was also in July, but it 2016, and it was warm, humid, and sticky. The smell of beer and cigarettes was thick in the air, since it was at an outside venue where people snuck in a variety of alcohol and other unmentionable things. My face was slick with tears after hearing Time To Dance live. My hands were shaking and my heart was pounding as if I had just ran the entire hour long drive to see you. I had never cried while listening to music before that day. It’s not as if I didn’t feel the emotion behind music while listening to it, it was just that I never felt the need to cry. I was so overwhelmed with emotions in that moment that I just had to cry. For the entire concert. Behind the various snippets of the concert that I couldn’t help but film, audible sniffles, hoots, and “Oh My God”’s can be heard. Later that night, after you and Weezer blew my mind and the concert was over, I pressed my forehead to the window of my car and cried some more. Seeing you live was the turning point of my life. I was encouraged to battle my depression and anxiety. I was no longer suffering from those things, I was living through them. Thank you for inspiring me to muster up the strength. I am grateful for it every day.

The second time was different. Flashback to March 11th of 2017. Chicago, Illinois. This time, you were at an arena. Allstate Arena, a place that has attached itself to my list of places that affect my topophilia (in a good way!) I won’t go too length with this story, but I will say that by the end of the night, I had won second row seats in a raffle held by a local radio station. I couldn’t really process anything in that moment. As a matter of fact, I didn’t process that night until the evening of the next day when I was welcomed home by AP US History and Algebra homework. Guess what I did later that night? You guessed it! I cried like a literal NEWBORN. The next day, I put myself together and wore my concert tee to school with pride.

I know this letter is long and embarrassing, but once again, I would like to thank you for everything you have done. If I had never found P!ATD, I don’t know where I’d be. Brendon, you are a spectacular human being, inside and out. Your talent wows me every day, as if I were hearing your voice for the first time again. You stand up for beautiful things and I am so happy that I can call you my role model. You show us sinners so much love, even though the rotten side of us shows it’s face in many, scarier ways. Even though I shouldn’t have to, I’d like to apologize for them. I’m sorry they torment you for the way you create. I’m sorry they cannot seem to accept that band members leave and music evolves. I’m sorry that they force things on you and expect you to joke with them. I’m sorry they harass your kind and thoughtful wife for making you happy. I’m sorry that they cannot be happy with what they have, always wanting more. I’m sorry that you and your family had to leave your dream home behind in order to preserve your safety. I’m sorry that people screamed and assaulted you after your Kinky Boots shows. I’m sorry that people don’t respect you.

I know that you know this, but there is an amazing side to us. We do our best to outshine the darkness and support you with everything we got. Nobody deserves to be treated like you unfortunately have been. Just know that we got ya.

Okay. I think I’m gonna stop brain vomiting and wish you the happiest of birthdays and the sunniest of years. I think that 31 is gonna be your best year yet. Thank you once again, Brendon. I love ya dude.

-alaina ❤️