#still have a lot of work to do with perspective though
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matching bracelets. Color X Killer One Shot and Art!
{Comfort, cuddles, LOTS OF KISSES ON THE FACE, relaxation, loneliness, soothing, can be interpreted as romantic or platonic, lots of affection, hugs, snuggles, reassurance}
[Tw: This contains themes of loneliness, possible separation anxiety (depends on how you interpret it), and a mention of keeping everything bottled up and hidden, Nightmare being cruel to Killer reference (not sure if these two needs to be mentioned, but just in case!)]
[Mention! Not everyone experiences loneliness the same way! This is written by perspective!]
ART AND FANFIC UNDER CUT!
“Hey, Killer, I brought rubber bands!”
Color’s soft and cheerful voice was heard as the two sat outside together. The birds chirping and the grass ruffling under Color’s feet the only other things heard in the tranquil environment. Killer looked up from the ground, tilting his head.
“what are we going to do with those?”
Killer asked, confused by it, looking at all the different colors inside the box. Color smiled and sat down next to Killer, placing the clear box onto the ground. Color’s rainbow flames swirled around like smoke in their air, a sense of joy apparent in his expression.
“Cmon, I wanna make bracelets! It’s fun, trust me!”
Color spoke in an excited and happy tone. Killer never seen him so ecstatic. He would do anything to keep that expression on Color’s face, so, he complied.
“well, if you wanna do it. How do we make them with rubber bands though? don’t we need…string or something?”
Killer asked, confused by the presence of rubber bands in this task. Weren’t they supposed to be used for hair or something? Color soon guided his hand into Killer’s, firmly yet warmly grasping it. Color brought Killer’s hand close to his. Killer’s eyes started to sparkle from the close touch, which looked like little stars in the night sky.
“Heh, see? You are excited. Look, you have stars again!”
Color pointed out with a lazy smile and a chuckle. Killer immediately got flustered and hid his face in his jacket. The little stars in his eyes always appear when he was happy, and it was still a process to let them be seen without embarrassment. Color kissed Killer’s forehead, smiling at him before opening the clear box.
“Alright, let me show you an easy pattern to do. So what you do is-“
Color plucked a red rubber band from the box, putting it into an infinity sign before placing it on Killer’s fingers. Then, he grabbed another one, a black rubber band, and placed it without crossing it onto Killer’s fingers.
“Now, you place the crossed one onto the top rubber band. Keep doing this, without crossing the new ones of course, until it’s long enough to wrap around your wrist!”
Color said with a smile. Killer’s eyes sparkled slightly at Color’s smile, looking down at his fingers. He began to do what Color said, continuing to make a bracelet. Color’s happiness motivated Killer, and he wanted to see him smile. Color began to work on his own.
After a while, the two eventually created their bracelets. Color’s was rainbow, and Killer’s was red, black, and white. Color looked at Killer with a smile.
“Look, we made matching bracelets! I know they aren’t completely matching- but we made them together.”
Color said with a soft smile. Killer was filled with joy seeing Color so happy and full of life. He wanted to see it more. Killer slowly smiled with Color, hugging him tight.
.
.
.
But it was only a memory. Now Killer sat alone in his room, staring at the ground with his hands clasped together. His eyes focused on the ground, his soul feeling like an anvil inside of his chest. He felt so…hopeless. He couldn’t sense any tranquility in himself.
It was always his weakness to be alone. It reminded him of so many things, and now it made him feel lonely. Loneliness was scary to him. He remembered what happened to him last time he was lonely, how his soul screamed out for somebody, and someone who planned to hurt him came. He was scared of it happening again.
How can he be vulnerable? Who was going to see the opportunity and just hurt him over and over again? Who can he trust? And even if he told someone, who would actually believe him? After all, people saw his friends and said he wasn’t lonely cause he had friends.
He decided to remain quiet. he knew it wasn’t the best choice, but what could he do? He didn’t want to go through the same thing again, and again, and again. But while he was cycling through those thoughts, he looked down at the bracelet. The red, black, and white rubber band bracelet.
He stared for a bit, his mind traveling through all the thoughts, all the memories he had with Color. Color would never harm him, Color wasn’t like that. So, he decided to be vulnerable in front of him, for the first time. He picked up his phone, opening up his messages and clicking on Color. He pressed the call button. It was an act of courage he was so grateful he done instead of staying quiet.
Soon, Color picked up.
“Kills? Why are you calling?”
“hey, uh, i’m in a rough patch. can you…stay on the phone for a bit?”
“Of course. I’m coming over right now, but please, talk to me.”
Killer began to tear up. The re-realization that Color cared about him circled in his mind, his heart swelling and tightening.
“i need you here. I feel lonely- i am terrified. nightmare keeps popping into my mind. p-please, come to me, i’m scared..”
Killer pleaded, soft sobs soon escaping his mouth.
“I’m almost there. keep taking deep breaths, you’re strong, okay?”
Color spoke to him. After a minute, Color arrived. Killer immediately ran into Color’s arms, sobs escaping him. Color immediately hugged Killer back, rubbing his back and softly whispering to him.
“It’s okay, I got you, I got you..”
Color whispered. Killer continued to sob, finally letting himself be vulnerable in front of someone. It’s been years since he done this. Color looked at Killer, caressing his face before leaning down and kissing his forehead.
“Let me see your starry eyes, Kills.”
Color whispered softly, worry in his rainbow lit eye. Killer hesitated, before looking up, letting the teeny tiny holes of light that looked like stars shine at Color. Color softly smiled, kissing Killer’s tears away, a bit of black goop appearing on his lip.
“I need you to tell me what’s going on, okay? You are worrying me sick.”
Color whispered, slowly guiding Killer out of his room and to Color’s room. Color knew that Killer’s room could be a danger to him at times because it could bring back bad memories of the past because of it being a smaller room, and more trapping to Killer, like he was trapped. The messiness makes the room feel more small and trapping to Killer. Once inside Color’s cozy and more spacious room, Color led Killer to his bed, sitting him down. Color placed a hand on Killer’s arm, rubbing it.
Killer hesitated, shaking slightly in fear of opening up. Yet he took a deep breath, letting the bright light that is Color immerse him in a state of comfort.
“i’m fearful, color. i feel so far away from you. i feel so far away from everyone, even horror and dust, hell, even delta. but i’m scared of telling anyone this, what if they turn out like nightmare? what if they don’t listen?”
Killer whispered, tearing up as all the emotion he buried deep down into his soul freed from its bindings of pretending everything was okay. Killer grabbed Color’s hand and squeezed it, his fingers twitching. Color nodded at his words, slowly moving his hand to Killer’s waist and slowly moving him into his arms for a embrace, knowing he couldn’t look him in the eyes in this state and just wanted to be held. Color whispered to Killer, comforting and soothing the poor skeleton.
“Killer, I want you to listen close, okay? Nobody will betray you, okay? Nobody will do that to you. We care for you to the moon, back again, and beyond the moon. I want you to know that we love you. I love you. And I always will love you and be here for you. I’ll be your greatest supporter, okay?”
Color reassured him, slowly laying down while Killer was on top of him. Killer looked at Color with tears running down his face, his hand gently clenching Color’s shoulder. Killer soon let himself lay his head on Color’s shoulder and curl up in his arms. He shivered, looking up at Color.
“you mean it?”
Killer asked in an unsure tone. Color softly smiled, caressing Killer’s face with both hands, before placing another kiss on his temple.
“Of course. What kind of person would I be if I didn’t, huh?”
Color said, a soft chuckle coming from him to lighten the mood. Killer nodded, slowly leaning up and lightly kissing the corner of Color’s mouth. Color smiled, a soft rainbow blush appearing on his face. Color caressed Killer’s skull as Killer lowered his skull onto Color’s shoulder, Color whispering a soft question.
“I know you want to be like this for a while, so, do you want me to play your favorite song? Maybe some white noise? Pink noise?”
Color asked. Killer looked up at him, the stars peeking out in his eyes again as he responded.
“no. your breathing is all i need.”
Killer whispered back in a loving and more relaxed tone. The twos hands clasped together, their matching bracelet clasps slowly attaching together. Killer’s soul lifted up, Color’s touch gentle as he caressed the soul. Color gently kissed the soul, which made a sense of relaxation pour over Killer. The loneliness was now replaced by the comfort of his beloved Color. He was now at peace.
#undertale multiverse#sans undertale#au sans#color sans#color spectrum duo#killer sans stages#killer sans#color sans X killer sans#ut au#utmv fanart#utmv writing#utmv angst#sans aus#undertale fandom#underswap#dusttale#classic sans#fell sans#killertale#swap sans#nightmare sans#bad sanses#star sanses#utmv art#utmv headcanons#i love undertale#undertale au#undertale fanart#undertale#undertale alternate universe
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Light of Dawn
Godric Obeyron (he/him), my human paladin (WoW) during the war in Northrend.
#godric#ttrpg art#world of warcraft character#world of warcraft#dragonblight#fanart#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa finally finished it took so loooong#tho its probably the best digital art ive ever done so yeah#i've spent so much time playing that character but i only made him good art now like 2 years after i stop playing the game but oh well#lighting is starting to become natural finally#still have a lot of work to do with perspective though#i wanna rant about this so much but i'll cut it out lmao
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sorry if idk this but what do you think about Wordgirl now in 2024 do you still like it do you still want to make art or talk about it or are you just done with all of it forever and plus i seen that you haven't made art of it since 2022 so you just done with all of it oh yeah and what about The Magnus Archives + Wordgirl ao3 fic too like is that just going to be and i know that your working on 2 au's now just wanting to know that's all
My interests tend to come in intense bursts and then fade. Unless something like, big happens like it gets a reboot its unlikely I'll be coming back to it anytime soon. As for the fic I don't have any current plans to finish it unfortunately.
#Its so shocking whenever anybody mentions that fic to me#like its just such a specific combo of interests how are there this many people interested in it...#I have some fragments of unfinished chapters for it laying around but I was struggling to get them to work#and I definitely dont have the motivation to finish them now#If youre curious the chapters were going to be Slaughter avatar miss Power and Web avatar Mr Big#and possibly Flesh avatar Butcher but I never got around to starting that one#The Miss Power chapter was basically going to be about her having kind of lost her thread#I wanted to leave a lot of ambiguity as to what happened with her home planet#but she hadnt been in contact with them for agessssss and her radio is damaged and her ship is in bad shape#the chapter was just going to be her being like 'pfff I dont interpersonal connection Im doing great out here. Murdering. All on my own'#Well she has her little squirl thing but she treats him like an animal#mr giggle cheeks or whatever#anyway I wanted it to imply that whatever happened her bloodthirst was destroying her#The Mr Big chapter was from Lesley's perspective#She would have been one in a long long line of assistants that Mr Big went through like candy#Lesley is his favorite though because. while she is terrified of him. shes still willing to push him. to be honest with him#but she also knows exactly when to step off. when to lie to appease him#( its always a tossup as to whether he wants a sweet lie or the harsh truth that day. He can always tell either way#its a gamble he does to be cruel. She always picks right though. or maybe he's more lenient with her than he should be)#He likes that she knows exactly how to push him without ever stepping over the line#He likes that her guilt and revulsion are slowly eating her up inside but shes too selfish to leave#She likes being special. She likes the idea of ruling the world alongside him#She'll always be second in command but shell be so much higher than everyone else#and shes willing to do anything to get that#Mr big doesnt think shell ever make it that far#but he likes her anyway#shes the one assistant he'll be sad about dying#OK damn apparently I did still have things to say about this old fic DAMN#still not gonna finish it tho. they call me the struggler becaus.e writing is a struggle...
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for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........
#MOTHER FFFFUCKER#to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants#im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night#at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn#to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS#the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori#but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey#consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!!#just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick#outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to#animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better#at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH#i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc#im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over#where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands#there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE#ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles#but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your#health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!!#im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves#also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet#im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to#have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to#to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up#their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ#yapping
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I will likely never get to do anything with her
#the band ghost#nameless ghoul oc#i mostly wanted practice making a character sheet ish thingy#and by god i got that#had to work hard for her colors which is not usually a problem for me#and the silhouette flip like if your character doesnt have a tail then bam its done and no one will notice the small problems#but it doesnt work with a tail if you want perspective i had to redraw/move her tail around to make it look right so. learned that very much#i like the layout concept though thats nice#i have a whole backstory for her. she was part of a group summon and it all went fine except that one person was missing and they ended up#with a statue. she was too terrified to talk to anyone so she got left there and after it sounded empty she reverted and found some place to#hide in the gardens. so she lives there now. and ruins a lot of socks. and helps with the plants not that anyone knows that. and panics and#turns to stone if anyone walks by. so everyone does realize theres a moving shifting statue in the abbey but no one is sure what to do about#that. doesnt speak much if at all. doesnt steal a new shirt bc people notice if those go missing unlike socks. has anxiety bitch face also#yeah. and like. i dont know what a fandom is and i certainly dont know what a music is and thats why ill likely not do anything with her#which kinda sucks. but i still made her a character sheet cause she wont leave me alone. and for the practice#cause if i think about doing a sheet for story ocs i get all perfectionist and it doesnt happen#the luck thing is that she kinda thinks being summoned was a curse#im gonna shut up now
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it is awesome that me and my roommate and my coworker have all had iq tests it is so random (for me it was because my stepmom was a psychologist and she needed to train someone on how to conduct one and for them it was because the town they're from is polluted with lead and a research team came down to test the effects of lead pollution on children's intelligence) so we talk about it sometimes (it started at work where my coworker and i got on the subject of iq and found we have both been officially tested and we are both "technically geniuses" according to this metric) but both of us mentioned we were insecure growing up knowing the number because we aren't extraordinary geniuses like 170+ so we never disclosed our numbers until relatively recently (idek if we were given the same iq test i know the numbers are different between the different tests. idk which test i was given and idk which test he and my roommate were given) but regardless i have the higher number 😈 and he told my roommate my number and she was like omg we have the same iq!!! but he actually told her the wrong number and i am actually one singular point higher than her. me and her have discussed our personal intelligence analyses of the people we know and we have ranked everyone in our minds and our rankings are exactly the same except i think i'm the most intelligent and she thinks she is the most intelligent. like my ranking is 1) me 2) her 3) coworker 4) other roommate 5) our other friend and hers is the same except with her at the top and me as number two. all of this is just for fun because none of us actually subscribe to iq as an important metric (i am a college dropout and i work at a gas station for example and people i went to school with who i know were less "innately intelligent" than me are like in law school now so yknow. it doesn't necessarily predict success and "innate intelligence" does not outweigh hard work it just makes certain cognitive tasks easier for us regardless of what we do with that) and i admire my friends and peers who have strong work ethics so much because i think i am the laziest most "voluntarily" dysfunctional person on the planet. the most inspiring person i have ever known is my high school friend alivia i loved and love her so much and she would get mad in school because she would study for weeks for an exam and i wouldn't study at all (once i didn't even know we had an exam until a few hours before) and i would score higher than her but i think the fact that she cares and has a genuine drive to succeed is more important than any potential "innate intelligence". work ethic is so important... alas i have very little. my inspiration comes from a desire to help people i care about. like at my current job i want to work hard and get tasks done because i care about my coworkers and i don't want to slack and make work harder for them and my manager is actually awesome and i know she is going through a whole lot of personal shit and i want to at least make work less stressful for her. i do like working and being productive so it is fine but she gave me and my coworker a verbal warning a few weeks ago because she was watching cameras and just observing the store and realized we were not getting shit done like we should and i felt so bad so i have been working moderately hard instead of totally slacking lately. we work at a gas station it isn't hard yknow. idk what the point of this is i think it is nice to have my number in my head in some ways even though it was torturous in others when i was younger. i wanted to be like. albert einstein. i'm not. i'm corinne and that is awesome which i have realized with age. me and my coworker were talking a while ago (haters will call it an insecure cope) but we feel like we are in the sweet spot of iq where we can still connect meaningfully with the people around us despite being "more intelligent" (think about flowers for algernon... neither of us are at a point where we are so "above" everyone that we can't connect).
#regardless i have always cared more about the percentile than the iq number#like ok i am ''more intelligent'' than 99.997% of humanity#when i was younger esp during my teens i rejected this entirely like ''you should never thing you are smarter than everyone else!!!'' and i#still believe this to an extent. if you automatically assume you are smarter and know better than everyone around you it is a recipe for#cognitive dissonance and pure voluntarily stupidity. like ''my assumptions are absolutely true and any contrary evidence is just#from unintelligent people who aren't on my level'' and i used to argue with my mom about this#i do think my mom is kinda dumb even though she is extremely successful in the engineering field#she doesn't understand anything outside of it. but i digress#my instincts have been right about so many things but there are a few major things i have been wrong about which have kept me humble#and if i can find that i am wrong/incorrect with new information i have high hopes that education can help everyone#education and work are more important than ''iq'' in my eyes#this isn't a post about criticizing iq but i could make one. i have not read a lot about iq so if i made one rn i would be going off#pure instinct. i would rather read and dissect defenses and critiques of iq though#should i make such a post#because corinne doesn't innately know everything and different perspectives are essential to coming to an understanding#anyways going back to being a teenager mad at my mom for thinking she is smarter than everyone#i have with age and experience come to realize i kind of actually am smarter than most people i've interacted with#at least from my perspective. but you never know what intellect people are hiding#it is stupid to assume you are better than everyone because you think you are smarter than them based on your own self-serving biases#i just love talking to people and dissecting what they are saying especially if i disagree#it is one of the most important things you can do to increase your knowledge and understanding of the world around you#acknowledging that you are biased according to your own life experiences and everyone around you has something different worth considering#even if you listen and think about it and decide you disagree. at least you know why you disagree. i guess ''rhetorical analysis''#important skill that is often neglected
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Feeling discouraged, so here's a short, unfinished Godos piece that will never be realised. Nikolai's attempting (read: failing) to write his first draft of a play (an adaptation of Dead Souls, Part 2). Fyodor was going to cheer him up and inspire him, somehow, but I don't have any clue how, so this is all I could get out of that idea. (I do at least like how it turned out, though, unfinished as it is.)
---
The words on the page taunted Nikolai like so many Sufi dervishes. They blurred, swirled into characters half-formed, who jumped and jeered just out of Nikolai’s sight. ‘Find us,’ they seemed to say. ‘Come and see our beautiful lives! And then depict us, reveal us to everyone, that we may truly exist.’ They beckoned him to find them, invited him to view their marvelous exploits, to laugh along with their absurd adventures—and then just as he reached to meet them, they slipped away, laughing. Unendingly they tortured him with scenes just beyond grasp, a perfect story hidden in the periphery of a dense fog.
Nikolai groaned, leaned back, and pressed his palms against his eyes. It was a perfect picture of agony, well-practiced and endlessly rehearsed. ‘Yet all the acting in the world won’t save a lacking script,’ he thought. ‘Ah, why can’t you just write yourselves? Hop along, I’ll even guide the quill, so long as you do something, anything, oh please…’ His entreaties, of course, prompted naught but more formless tittering. Nikolai sighed, and contemplated how effective bashing his scull against the door-jam would be at shaking something loose.
“Is something the matter?” an irritatingly calm Fyodor asked from behind him. Nikolai swung around in his chair, resting his arms on the back, and stared pointedly at his relaxed friend who lounged so serenely on the green recliner, a book nestled under his folded palms. The question itself was preemptive, a set-up, a frivolous first line of a three-line script which always arrived at the same conclusion. Nikolai recognised the offer for friendly—and perhaps even needed—advice, but took it no less bitterly. He smiled mirthlessly. Nevertheless, he played his part.
“Whatever gave you that impression? Was it the willful suicide of the last of my creative expression? Or perhaps you hear them laughing too?”
“Your characters won’t work with you?” (Here, the second phrase, to be replied with…)
“Oh, far beyond that. They won’t speak to me at all! I’m being shunned.”
“I see.” Fyodor concluded and stood, pulling the curtain on their impromptu play. Nikolai watched him go, mildly curious which remedy Fyodor would prescribe this time. “I need to visit the theatre,” he said finally. “Would you like to join me?”
Nikolai laughed flatly. “For what? The stage doesn’t—and I say this from great experience—do anything for one’s imagination. If anything, it’s worse, because you see everything that has been and none of what could be! Can you imagine that? I know, I know, you’re ‘not that way artistically inclined,’ but imagine for a moment that the sentences of your computer codes were jumping and jaunting about in front of your very eyes, and so to fix it, you decided to stare at someone else's pages. Well? Would that help you very much?”
“Most likely it wouldn’t.” Fyodor smiled. “But we won’t be going to the stage. I need to stop by the costuming department. Misha talked one of the women there into parting with an unused costume design for Verenka, but couldn’t pick it up himself.”
“And you just so happen to be free?”
“No,” Fyodor said, a bit dejected. “But I couldn’t stand to stare at my colleagues’ ‘pages’. As you say, it won’t do any good.” He sighed wearily. “Some fresh air and new scenery, tea, something else to think about… I need them greatly. And some company would be nice, too.”
Nikolai stood without ceremony (a shame, yes, but recall his lack of inspiration and forgive him), stretched, and said flatly, “Well then, what are we waiting for?”
---
As it turned out, Nikolai was quite quick to regret those words. A lovely stroll down the uncharacteristically sun-touched streets of St. Petersburg wound down into a bustling cafe.
---
Surprisingly, all went well at the theatre. The lady was quite nice, expressing her condolences and well-wishes for the ‘poor young woman’, and waved them on their way. Pattern safely secured, the two stopped by the next-door cafe, ‘The Stray Dog’, (home to aspiring and established artists alike), for a spot of tea. And thence all collapsed.
#writing#bsd#bsd fyodor#bsd nikolai#godos#fyolai#the projection is strong with this one#I wanted to try a story more from Nikolai's perspective#adding his way of viewing the world into the prose#because usually I do a more third-person omniscient style and Дом в котором inspired me#the Fyodor really wasn't Fyodoring in this one though...#by the way: 'The Stray Dog' isn't just a BSD reference#it's an actual cafe that was frequented by a lot of prominent silver age Soviet artists#and still exists today I believe after having been shut down for a while#it also happens to share a building with Mikhailovsky theatre. which is near-ish to the apartment they're in right now#(their apartment being on Grazhdanskaya street)#also to ramble a bit about Fyodor and Nikolai's living situation#they share a one-room apartment. which is why Fyodor was reading in the same room#Fyodor works on his laptop in the kitchen but prefers to read in the bedroom#Nikolai's writing desk is also in the bed/living room so it's often that he's writing/rehearsing while Fyodor's reading#which personally sounds like a living hell but they both grew up sharing rooms with siblings so ig they're already used to it
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i should make proper references for Morning Star...
#maybe that'll be my project tonight. if i still have the motivation#i'm gonna have to do multiple references for each of them...#maybe i can get away with only two references for Arche..#Apollyon's gonna need a lot though with how much his appearance changes throughout both Morning Star and Epilogue. man cannot get a break#Crimson's appearance really doesn't change much. it's only perspective that affects how he's perceived#...anywho. maybe i'll work on sketches for them today#funky lil thoughts#cccc morning star au
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#tag talk#cons of getting better emotionally. I have to find new music because I can't stand the sad depressed music I usually listen to#listening to autoheart and absolutely not vibing anymore because I'm like hmmmm not me though I'm better than that#I still like a lot of Mumford and Sons though. I doubt that will change since it's delicious religious trauma vibes#but maybe that will change some day too. time will tell.#every day I'm alive I can look forward to changing in fundamental ways I once thought immutable facets of my existence.#and that's fucking sick as hell. things get better and I heal bone deep.#scars don't just skin over. the flesh underneath fills in and stops throbbing.#the suicide scars on my arm healed over within a month but it took six for the flesh underneath to really heal fully.#took months for it to stop hurting when I bumped it wrong.#months before my elbows stopped twinging when I bent them too far.#but they've healed through and through and I live on and I get better and I can do so much more now#I expected to feel like shit in January since historically that's my most depression-filled time of year that I just have to survive#but I genuinely feel so good right now I'm so fucking ecstatic.#things get better. I knew that when I was seventeen and I didn't want to put in the work to make it through.#but good or bad I've made it through and it's so fucking beautiful on the other side.#obviously my perspective will change and develop and grow in the next few months. and we'll see how I feel next January#but I have such high hopes right now
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*sighs* made it home ok and now have a purring lump on my lap. i took a panic pill as soon as i got home and i think it's helping. after how stressful work was and then electrolysis, i'm feeling post-meltdown exhaustion. i got a little food in me but i'm just so tired. i really hope tomorrow's a better day.
#trying to keep everything in perspective.#and i think i need to talk with my coworker. she's sweet and she means well but has absolutely zero emotional boundaries#i know waaay too much about her life#and i get she's going through a lot and doesn't have much support but work's not where you find that#and like. we're all going through shit. and right now the thing i'm Going Through is dealing with *her*#the emotional volatility is honestly more stressful than working this job solo#and it's been two months and i still can't feel like i can trust her with more than the basics#and even then - anything nuanced on the absolute basic goes over her head (but she won't tolerate other people's mistakes lol)#she's older than me but just really immature and it's so frustrating#i feel like i'm babysitting not training#and i don't know how to address this#i don't want her job to be in jeopardy but like damn. she's not making it easy#i hate to do it... but maybe i should start documenting shit#like i know she didn't mean it and she was having yet another rough day but she snapped at me last week bc she misunderstood me#and that really wasn't cool#she apologized but like.... bruh#tomorrow's my one year anniversary at this job and i've honestly never felt like i really fit#my last job... even though my workload was insane and the higher-ups bullshit was a nightmare... i felt at ease there#my team fit together as a smooth and cohesive unit#and this team.... we're like pieces from a dozen different puzzles that happen to just sorta line up with each other. well enough#but the pictures don't match and the fit isn't smooth. we all get along but we aren't a cohesive team#each piece is too independent of the other parts#vs at my old clinic... we'd have a weekly meeting across all disciplines plus the front desk#i dunno#there's supposed to be this position opening up soon that i'm liked for#dunno how many other people are tapped for it#but if i get it- it will at least be a change of pace and scenery#i knew getting this job i didn't want to do front desking for much longer. and now we're another year into that#and i'm just. so tired.#personal
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📒 svt when reader journals about them.
@hannie-bees → "Svt finding out abt the journal you made about your memories of them like when you go on dates or candid pics you took without them knowing ???"
⌗ ┆the bujo spreads were taken from pinterest, and most came from @_thatskioshi on instagram! <3
‧₊˚✩彡 includes: established relationship, pet names, fluff, a kms joke, one too many 'oh my god's, [short] headcanons under the cut. open to requests!
📒 headcanons .ᐟ
— would tease you about it ✩ jeonghan, junhui, wonwoo, chan.
jeonghan and chan are not about to let you live this down. sure, they appreciate your work and they're hopelessly endeared by your cuteness. but you don't have to know that. instead, they fall back on joking around. jeonghan would probably proudly refer to himself as your 'bias', while chan goads you for having a crush on him. they're a little annoying about it, but it's only because they don't know how to properly express just how much this little hobby of yours means to them. junhui is a bit of somewhere in the middle. he'll have a wisecrack (or two) about your pages, but he's ultimately more openly appreciative of what he considers to be genuine art. he'll start begging you to make him copies or collages for his own keeping. if you comply, he'll have one in his wallet at all times, to look at whenever he misses you. wonwoo's teasing is a lot more pared down compared to the others. it's still there, though. his little remarks about taking photos on dates for your 'wonu book' (his words, not yours). as much as he'll tease you about it, there's also a quiet air of affection around him. he'll be more willing to pose how you want him or to dress in certain clothes if it means it will make you happy with the pages you end up doing.
— would be chill about it ✩ seungcheol, jihoon, minghao, vernon.
seungcheol is smug. of course he is. he's proud, even, when he sees how much time and effort you've put in to these little pages of him. he's likely to encourage it in the form of more cute stationery, to the point that you'll have to beg him to stop getting you stuff. he'll joke to you that it's an investment— the equivalent exchange being that he now has to see all your future pages, too. jihoon gives off the air of someone who doesn't really seem to care about what you consider to be an embarrassing secret. inwardly, he's impressed. he's an artist himself, after all, and he knows how much goes in to creating. but what will really get you is when you realize he's not joking about the song-after-every-date. he'll write anything from a full track to a couple of verses. if you have your journal, he has his composition book with your name at the very front. minghao and vernon will be similar in the sense that they're both appreciative of your effort, as well as the artistry of the pages. minghao is likely to comment on the little details of your spreads while vernon will ask all the right questions to learn more about it. they won't bug you about it moving forward, though there's a private sort of contentment to them that this is something you do for/because of them.
— would not be chill about it ✩ soonyoung, mingyu, seokmin.
oh, these three. soonyoung will scream about it to literally everyone. he acts almost like no one has ever done this for him before. when you try to point out that he probably has fans who does this on the daily, he takes personal offense. because this is you. him from your perspective. and he'll talk about it until the day he dies, he swears. in tagalog/filipino, there's an untranslatable word called kilig. the closest that people have come to translating it is 'cuteness aggression', though kilig runs much deeper. that's exactly how mingyu feels when he finds out. he'll squish your cheeks, bombard you with kisses, hug you until you can't breathe. he loves you so much in that very moment, in the knowledge that you feel a fraction of what you feel for him. and seokmin, the sweetheart :( you'll probably have to check in on him because he'll be inconsolable. you're dating; he knows that. you love him; he knows that, too. but to have a physical, tangible reminder of it? to hold proof of that love in his hands, in the form of a carefully curated journal? he'll cry you a river over just how grateful he is to love well and be loved well.
— would want to participate ✩ joshua, seungkwan.
best believe that mr. arts and crafts joshua hong would immediately be on board. of course, he's largely appreciative of your effort, but he's also mostly keen on picking up this little hobby with you. he'll be infuriatingly good at it, too, with his eye for color and his attention to detail. it will become a new 'thing' for the two of you, to log your dates this way. seungkwan has a lot less finesse. he doesn't really know what he's doing, but his enthusiasm makes up for it. he's more likely to end up with a lot of stray stickers and pen marks on his palms. at the end of the day, he wants to make good on his word: you deserve to be seen from the perspective of someone who loves you, too.
#svt smau#seventeen smau#svt fluff#seventeen fluff#svt imagines#seventeen imagines#svt x reader#seventeen x reader#── ᵎᵎ ✦ reqs#[ this was sooooooo cutesy ... ]#── ᵎᵎ ✦ mine
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@forgettable-au FAN ANIMATION ! LOUD NOISE WARNING!
*What was it all for…?
Song: Vishnu <3 by Peter Cat Recording Co.
…okay.
The main inspiration for this…can be summed up with I LOVE HOW SAD THIS CONCEPT IS. BUT i also adore how WEIRD it is.
This whole thing must be pretty weird and creepy for the characters right??? Like- we dont know for certain what EXACTLY is gonna happen, but we know for a fact that Wingdings finds out hes in a game, then kills himself so he can be closer with god-
THATS PRETTY WEIRD 😭😭 also sad but we can ignore that for now
I also experimented a tad with this in working with silence, so timing things at my own pace! It was really hard! I HAD SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!
But, time for my FAVORITE PART….ANALYSIS!!!
DISCLAIMER: some things stated as fact haven’t been said in the blog/arent canon to the au itself, just my animation/theories/interpretation, cause i’m silly and headcanoning :3
TITLE:
The proper title ive given this is “To You” which means 2 different and very vague things. What happened to you? and sending a message like “this is To You”.
In that case, “you” is whichever version of Papyrus/Wingdings/Gaster you want- Its not exactly clear which version of him means “you” which is kinda the point. The lines blur together sometimes…
But yeah, Gaster/crazy WD sends messages TOO himself so they’re “To You”
CONTEXT
Wingdings has JUST turned himself into Gaster. Ignore how impossible Sans interacting with him in this moment is, and just hear me out on the angst possibilities-
SCENE 1
As Sans approaches the mess- Gaster is encased in shadow, and looks at him. Expression not telling much- just looking blankly. Doesn’t even look like he’s alive… just… moving. Also the eye thats open, is just a slit. because- perspective. BUT I also had fun putting that there and going hehehehe it looks like WD/Papyrus’ eye
Sans approaches, and getting engulfed in the shadow, leaving the light.
His expression here was REALLY fun and REALLY hard to draw. Angry? maybe. stunned and terrified? DEFINITELY.
In this context (that doesn’t have a lot to go off of with the comics, YET) Sans knows that this was all very much intentional. He absolutely does not want to be angry, and is certainly only feeling it subconsciously.
But… he wanted so badly to understand, and enter his brother world. But now, Sans is just… Baffled. Hes like “what the fuck did you do???”
SCENE 2
Gaster continues to look blank. Looking up at Sans as he approaches, encasing him in even more shadow.
Sans’ hand reaches to Gasters face. From Sans’ perspective, his intentions are like checking for a pulse. Not literally ofc cause pulses arent on our face- but like, feeling for him. For a sign that something is there. (It’s also meant to be something motherly/comforting)
But then, Gaster leans into the touch, somewhat reciprocating this wordless “ive got you” gesture. That’s what makes Sans go from Terrified to just purely grief stricken. His brother is still alive. And he loves him.
But this form wont last for long…For universe fixing screw ups reasons :D 👍
SCENE 3
Gaster then opens his eyes, revealing hes even still got eye lights available for him. Thats what just SHATTERS the dam, and Sans embraces him suddenly.
SCENE(S) 4
Then, the “reset” happens, Gaster is gone, and Papyrus appears in place of Wingdings in his bed.
Nothing is boiling to add to a “frozen in terror” feeling!
Now- drawing all of the differences between the past and present rooms. DESTROYED ME. i HAD SO MUCH FUN BUT I ALSO CRIED 😭 There are no thank-you letters to santa, no racecar bed, no silly bone painting, no action figures, just BORING
I also wanted to keep everything monochromatic, so ofc we’ve got black and white for the void/Gaster, blue for Sans, red for Papyrus, and purple for Sans and Papyrus together.
The tape recorder and lab coat are still greyscale though cause Wingdings still has SOME of his stuff lying around. But the tapes are indecipherable, and Papyrus threw out that lab coat the first chance he got. It gave him the absolute worst feeling, worse than anything he’s ever experienced.
Something I also really enjoy is the fact that the dress shirts were still technically Wingdings’ but they’re red for Papyrus. The lab coat is the only real WINGDINGS thing that Papyrus wants absolutely no part in. Some things that were Wingdings’ are now Papyrus’ cause :D👍
in place of the bone painting are just family photos that I also have extra to say about. Someday I wanna make a comic of what happened to those/what I think would happen to em.
One day Papyrus is like “HEY UH- SANS! THESE PHOTOS! I DON’T LIKE LOOKING AT THEM! CAN WE NOT!?” Aka, he doesn’t remember these things happening/these photos being taken… BUT THEYRE PHOTOS OF HIM.
So he just feels really uncomfortable looking at memories he should reasonably remember, but doesn’t at all- and Sans gets that. But he keeps em in his drawer. Then! they hung up the bone thing in place of it cause SILLY!
But the family photos, I still had fun with. From left to right theyre a photo of Semi with the twins, the twins as baby bones, then as slightly older kids, then WDs graduation photo.
CONCLUSION!
This entire thing was so much fun, and I feel i’ve really grown as an artist over the process of experimenting and not being knocked down by annoying setbacks,
Also, as usual, Works In Progress’ plus extra behind the scenes stuff will be posted shortly after this!! YIPPEEE!!! HAPPY NIGHTMARES!!!!!
OHHHH ALSO EXTRA ART!!!
“AREN’T THEY BEAUTIFUL?”
That silly moment when your clone is really weirdly obsessed with stars and enthusiastically holds your eye sockets open to show you them
#wingdings loves his brother ( biggest plot twist)#dunno if hes even lucid in this#just that its instinct and subconscious emotions guiding him rn-#poor sans dudes 😭#he just wanted the best for his brother#massive L on Gasters part ngl#massive L on Wingdings’ part ngl#MASSIVE W FOR PAPYRUS#CAUSE WHEN HAS HE EVER DONE WRONG??? Dont ansewr that#when i catch you sunsestart when i catch you#wingdings stop please#i am incredibly excited to see the finality of forgettable au undertale wingdings electric boogaloo#wingdings please stop#gaster undertale#gaster wingdings#goopy wingdings#my favorite part of making this was when#uhmmmm#uh#uhhhhhhhhh#forget…#uhhhhhh
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ANYWAYS Idiyuu is Hades and Persephone conspiracy:
Persephone is not from the Underworld. She is called back to the Mortal Realm eventually because she has to return. Yuu is literally from another world. They are not suited to Twisted Wonderland, and are nothing like Idia has ever seen. They have to go back eventually.
Hades is probably one of the few TWST boys to have a “canon” spouse (at least in Greek mythology, which Hercules’ Hades is obviously based on). On top of that, Hades and Persephone is the love story between death and life, isolation and abundance, ending and rebirth. Idia is a gloomy, pessimistic boy who has been condemned to be the keeper of the Underworld. Yuu is a kind, gentle prefect who has been there to help and has helped everyone they know, again and again.
Night Raven College has been in a ‘winter’ for all of its history. Everyone is hostile to everyone, no one wants to cooperate or work together, and every single person there has some ulterior motive. In comes Yuu, who is a breath of fresh air. A new perspective. A new season. They bring ‘spring,’ showing people that they can bloom. They can harbor feelings that aren’t cruel. They can do things that aren’t harsh. And slowly, they start to thaw. Flowers of friendship and something gentler bloom. Yuu is there to help pull the boys from their darkest moments to see the light again. Idia is no exception.
I think that the way Book 6 was set up makes Idia and Yuu seem a lot more meaningful honestly, though I'm probably reading way too into things lol. Yuu originally goes to the Island of Woe to save Grim. They don’t particularly care much about what’s going on with Idia—they just want to get Grim back. But then later, once they realize what’s going on, they do. There isn’t much, if any, personal connection to Idia’s overblot like there was with all the others. Yuu doesn’t have to do anything to help. And yet, they still do. Even after Idia basically kidnapped Grim, they still help him. They still try to end his winter.
Persephone, in many forms of the myth, didn't originally go to the Underworld willingly. But eventually, she came to love Hades, and they were happy together. Idia and Yuu have no reason to care about the other at first. But they eventually do, after everything that happens and everything that brings them together.
Hades and Persephone are in a constant push and pull. Persephone has to leave because if she stays, winter will never end. She does not want to leave, because she loves Hades. Yuu has to leave Twisted Wonderland, because they have a home beyond it that they need to return to. And yet, they don't want to leave because they love Idia. Idia doesn't want them to go, because it finally feels like spring again. But the seasons have to continue in their cycle, so what can they do?
Also, I think it’s really funny and really beautiful how Idia and Yuu’s first meeting was probably the Ghost Marriage event. This guy who thinks he has 0 rizz ends up having to be saved by some strange new isekai'd student and their gang of potential suitors before he gets his first kiss and promptly dies afterwards. Idia, the boy surrounded by death, is saved by the prefect who seems to be giving everyone a new chance at life. Imagine how poetic it’d be if Yuu and Idia end up getting married in the end, except now neither of them are going to die and they have the rest of their new lives together. There will be winter, but there will also be spring. The cycle of seasons will continue, but flowers will always bloom. They will always return to each other.
#sorry if this is totally incoherent#the last paragraph does not flow with the rest at ALL but i wanted to get that thought out there too#idia shroud has taken over my brain like a random event and he does not seem to be leaving#ohhh this man deserves the world and i hope he gets it#there is so little idiyuu content out there it makes me sad#or maybe i'm just not looking in the right places and if that's the case someone please send me things#i will love you forever#twisted wonderland#twst#disney twst#twisted wonderland x reader#twisted wonderland x yuu#twisted wonderland x mc#yuu#twst yuu#idia shroud#idia shroud x reader#idia shroud x yuu#idia shroud x mc#cloudedrambles#cloudedgalaxies
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While I completely agree with everything Bloo said, I am... I also feel like there is a competing possibility for the placement of Ganondorf's glyph, and while it absolutely does not erase the implications or the fact that it does punch down this story of repetence and villification and "dark origin story", as the devteam would consider it (I think it might have been part of the argument within the team), I also think there's a more... down-to-earth, designer-brain case at play here. I might be totally offbase, but for having interacted with a LOT of designers who think practically about things and are both uninterested and very perplexed by the necessity of storytelling and its priorities, I think the placement choice may have gone something like this:
"Hey, wouldn't it be normal to put a Ganondorf memory near Gerudo Town, since he's gerudo? It would just make sense that players would go look for memories related to Ganondorf near Gerudo Town, right? And then it's important to have the glyph be visible from all nearby landmarks to encourage the player to go from interest point to interest point."
I think it was literally all the designers considered in their choice of placement honesty. Why wouldn't they. They apparently didn't hire narrative designers/game writers/quest designers/anyone with narrative sensitivity to keep the design team from going with their first obvious game designer instinct over and over and over, never once stopping to think about the ingame or "watsonian" implications of any of it --instead their choices are almost systematically guided by progression, affordance, impact, and "wouldn't it be cool if". I think this particular instance is a great example of that "designer brain" tendency --but the whole game is like that, which is why I'm so grumpy that they thought narrative skill was but an optional flavoring they could skip with no consequences. I don't think anyone in this team considered the way the glyphs would or even *could* impact the NPCs in the world beyond vaguely Impa and the NPCs that serve as pointers going "activity over there!!" as their core function.
It's exactly as Bloo said: these barely qualify as Zelda's memories. The entire framing is poorly thought out, and I think game mechanics is truly the only thing driving most of the decisions taken in this game.
do you ever warp into Gerudo Town, look straight ahead, and draw some unpleasant conclusions about the connection between that geoglyph and the Gerudo tendency to bear guilt for Ganondorf’s actions even thousands of years into the future? Like, assuming that for some time the geoglyphs were visible before disappearing until the Upheaval, that sure is a “look at this guy you made who sucked so bad and will one day be a threat once more” reminder staring the Gerudo dead in the face. and that seems a bit much
#totk#totk critical#ganondorf#gerudos#I think both what bloo said and what I say coexist and do a little dance together named: zero narrative self-introspection#or examination of intent#this is literally a fight to the death on almost every project I've been involved in#once I had a team of designers who had designed a game that was textually and in its mechanics about colonialism#and when I pointed that out they went: yeah sure there might be some of that#but we don't feel equipped to address that so we just won't :) and then it magically won't be about that anymore#as if you could wish intent out of existence and then it's like it never existed even though the mechanics are still the same!!!#a LOT of designers are like that!#not all of them of course --and I love designers they are absolutely core to have a fun game of course which is why we're all here#but godddddd some of them are incredibly obtuse (even while working for a narrative game!)#and their perspective is always the one that wins also#writing/storytelling needs to adapt and will adapt you're considered expandable in every production basically#(they are even paid more as a baseline than narrative folks --at least in the west)#this game is just. designers doing whatever and not realizing this might lead to a shallow world#it's pure distilled “narrative as set dressing” philosophy which is both incredibly outdated and also a poor example of doing that#which is why it's particularly frustrating to me!!! zelda has done much more effort in the past!!#sorry I only focused on the more surface-level aspect but I feel like people severely understimate Game Designer Brain Syndrome :(#(again --with all the affection in the world but aaaaa!!! let narrative help you make your game more engaging!!! we all win in the end!!!)#(I once worked in a pretty successful studio known for narrative work)#(and some of the designers were like “yeah we skip all narrative content we don't care” just. in the open.)#(narrative is more valued than it used to be but still pretty much considered unnecessary fluff in huge chunks of the industry)#(they don't even realize how disrespectful it is --or how they're shooting themselves in the foot too)#(ANYWAY)#(sorry for the rant hahaha)#(not sure that was particularly helpful but eyy)
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Sorry people are being hostile in the notes of your recent AI post! Your points are really interesting and I hadn't thought about it like that (referencing the "..."it's theft" isn't a good argument when much of the greatest art to ever be made is also largely theft" part)
I agree with what you're saying about theft/ creative use of someone else's stuff (or even un-creative use of someone else's stuff, looking at John Williams fully ripping off Holst in the imperial march)
But something about generative AI still rubs me the wrong way though (re: taking people's work), and your comparison has made me question more specifically what it is that I'm uncomfortable with. I think it's the lack of intentionality behind the theft? Coming at this as a composer, if someone stole like, a melody I wrote, I would be happy that they had thoughts & ideas about the thing I made & interested to see what they did with it. I think the thing about generative AI that I don't like (on a personal level) is the lack of intentionality, like, both not knowing if my work had been fed into the training data + if someone rips me off it wouldn't be a choice they made specifically, but just a thing that mysteriously happened.
Idk if I'm making much sense, I'm not really engaged with the online discourse about generative AI because (from the bits and pieces that I've seen) it's a lot of people getting really angry and shouting the same x5 things at each other, rather than like, a discussion.
Anyway sorry for rambling, I appreciate your perspective! hope you have a good day! ♪ヽ(´▽`)/
Yeah, this is mostly where I'm at as well. Even purely secular people tend to invoke the concept of a "soul" when talking about "AI" art, and I'm pretty sure this is what they mean. Soul as in aggregate experience, perception, taste. People want copying in art to communicate something, they want to consider another human's notions of beauty and ugliness. That's why I describe it as modernist, it extricates taste. It copies accidentally with no bridge to the source, not even an implied one. I compare it to generative art a lot, but even that doesn't really reach the level of randomness and diversity of output as these image synthesis engines do. Morton Feldman's pieces still exist within the formal framework of orchestra, after all.
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One thing I haven't seen talked about is Crystal's character arc, and specifically the way the timing of it interacts with Charles' arc. They stumble over each other in the worst possible way en route to their respective character growth, and from a narrative perspective, it's absolutely genius.
I'm going to preface all this by saying: none of this is a criticism of Crystal. Part of what makes her such a dynamic, refreshing character is that you don't get to see women in fiction written the way she's been written. You don't get to see women with her flaws that aren't throw-away mean girls or villains. You especially don't get to see women with her traits who learn and grow and become better people. So yeah, I'm going to talk about Crystal's character flaws. No, this isn't Crystal hate. We love our girl in this house. Okay? Okay. Let's start.
Crystal's character arc, at its heart, is all about her learning to be a better person because she has good influences that love and support her for the first time.
When the show starts, Crystal is not a nice person. She's abrasive in a way that's specifically designed to push people away. She's used to getting her own way, and it shows. She's used to having no meaningful connections with anyone, and it shows. She's breathtakingly selfish, in the very literal sense of the definition. She is focused on her self. Her problems are front and center to her; everything is about what she needs, and what she wants, and how she's struggling.
Jenny calls her out very early on. In episode one, Crystal is complaining about the boys, and Jenny, for all her cynicism, strikes right at the heart of the problem. She tells Crystal, "Everybody is always thinking about themselves, all the time." People only care about their own problems. And she says, correctly, that that's what Crystal is doing, too.
This moment is a revelation for Crystal. For the first time, she considers what her behavior looks like from another person's perspective. As she says, she gets mad at herself over it, and that awareness allows her to do something selfless for the first time in the series. She takes a step back and insists that instead of focusing on her problems, they go to help a little girl. It's a big moment for her.
But importantly, she's not done growing as a character here. She's only just getting started.
On my first watch through, I didn't realize how often, over the next few episodes, Crystal redirects things to her problems during conversation, but it's quite a lot. She's still focused on herself – selfish, in that most literal definition of the word. The issues most important to her are her issues. She's starting to learn to think about other people, but she's not there yet. The process is still underway.
Which brings us to Charles.
Charles' arc is a different sort of self-reflection. He's terrified that he's a bad person the way his father was and the way the boys that killed him were.
During the course of the show, he gets systematically stripped of his confidence and made to feel helpless, and just like Crystal needs outside influences to help her reach a more stable place, Charles does, too. He desperately needs reassurance that he isn't everything he's afraid he is.
But my goodness, the timing in their arcs is such a trainwreck when you put them together, and it is brilliant.
Let's start with the Devlin House.
Crystal has some amazing character growth here. She displays genuine concern about Charles, makes an attempt at comforting him, and learns to work with Edwin even though she still doesn't particularly like him at this point.
Charles, meanwhile, is beginning to fall apart. He's just had the worst night of his afterlife. He's been viscerally reminded of how helpless he is. He couldn't stop the Devlins from being killed over and over, just like he couldn't stop his own father's abuse. He messed up his attempted rescue so badly that he was completely out of commission until the case was finished. He managed to help not one single thing. He made no impact at all. He couldn't help those girls any more than he was able to help himself, while he was still alive.
So they get back to the butcher shop, and what do we see? Monty immediately coopts Edwin. Niko doesn't know what's happened because she wasn't there and Charles has been all fake smiles with her. And Crystal goes off with Niko, leaving Charles to flounder on his own in the wake of everything. She's still learning how to support other people. She isn't there yet, and it's extremely on display in this moment.
Then we get the lighthouse episode, and they both get put through the wringer here. Crystal gets her hopes and expectations jerked around by the Night Nurse in the very worst way, and Charles gets hit with a whole pile full of trauma. All that helplessness wells to the forefront again. Combined with being forced to relive some of his worst memories and the desperation to keep Edwin safe from hell, Charles lets himself act on his anger for once.
And what does he get in the aftermath? Horror.
Everyone who cares about him is horrified by what he's done. Edwin goes so far as to call it extreme. They don't know the half of it, of course; they haven't seen what the Night Nurse just put him through. But in this moment Charles is at his absolute lowest, and all he sees is confirmation that he's exactly as terrible as he thinks he is.
That's why Charles shrugs off Edwin's attempt at comfort, here. When he needed to be able to do something to protect Edwin and also himself – when he needed to believe that he could be better than what his father always was – all he sees is the confirmation from the people he cares about most that when push came to shove, he really is a bad guy.
Then comes the aftermath. And this moment is such a brilliant, awful clash of both of their character arcs. It is so delightfully messy.
Because Charles starts to open up to Crystal here. He starts to lay himself bare, the way he ends up doing with Edwin in episode 5. He's on the verge of admitting something that he's been worried about for literal decades. He tells her, "I've been angry for such a long time."
And what does Crystal do? She's still in the midst of her own character growth. She's still struggling to support other people. She's still learning how to. In a lot of ways, though she's made progress already, she's still that selfish girl that Jenny called out in the very first episode.
And she shows it here it with the absolute worst possible timing. No sooner has Charles started to talk about what's bothering him than she cuts in with her own problems. She's tired of riddles and spirits and demons and not knowing who she is. And the look on Charles' face. The moment when he visibly sets aside his own problems, because Crystal doesn't need any more disasters on her plate? It's heartbreaking. You can actually track the subtle change in his expression there. The actor does a phenomenal job.
And then comes the kiss. And what spurs it? Crystal saying she needs something real.
This moment isn't about light-hearted attraction, the way the earlier flirting is. It's Charles setting aside what he needs – comfort and reassurance and a moment to talk through the things that have been tearing him apart – to give her what she says she wants. He can't even feel it. And Crystal isn't far enough along in her character growth here to realize how selfish she's being. Like Jenny said way back in episode one, she's only thinking about herself.
And then comes the absolute unmitigated disaster of episode 5.
Straight out the gate, Charles leans in for a kiss. From his perspective, they have something together; there's affection there. Charles "I think I'd miss kissing" Rowland, who has been starved for meaningful physical contact for thirty years, is not in a hurry to give this up.
But Crystal is fresh out of a nightmare where she conflates Charles with her abusive ex. She withdraws; she calls what they had a distraction. She cuts it off almost as soon as it's started, so focused on her own worries here that she misses how damn fake Charles' smile is, to cover up that he's coming to pieces.
To be clear, she's absolutely not in the wrong here. It is 1000% her prerogative not to jump into a relationship again while she's still struggling to work through what happened with David. But the arc of her narrative is still early enough that she does it all without so much as the awareness that her focus on her own issues has hurt Charles terribly.
And then the episode really kicks off, and both of them are in shambles in very different ways.
Crystal is projecting her issues with David onto Charles. She has a lot of history, and David seems as though he's exactly the right sort of toxic to leave lasting a lasting impact. But Charles hasn't done anything to deserve her assumptions, and he takes the brunt of her temper here and throughout the episode.
Charles is desperately projecting onto the dead jocks. He very badly wants them to be good guys, because he sees himself in them and he needs himself to be a good guy. He snipes back at Crystal for the very first time in this episode, and he does it in the worst way possible, accidentally prodding her where it will do the most damage.
They're both hurting. They both say some truly painful things to one another.
She does not need to hear that she has unsorted hangups about David still plaguing her while she's unable to move past them. He desperately does not need anyone to tell him that he has rage issues while he's still struggling to think of himself as a decent person.
They apologize, in the end. They start to move past it.
But it's telling that Charles doesn't try to open up to Crystal again. He goes to Edwin instead, even though Edwin is the one who called his actions regarding the Night Nurse extreme. He gets the reassurance he needs so badly; he gets the connection he was looking for with Crystal from Edwin, instead. (I have a lot of thoughts on why Charles initially tries to open up to Crystal so quickly, but it is very much an aside, and this is already extremely long, so it will have to wait for another write-up.)
But the important thing here is, Edwin is the one to offer Charles what he needs to overcome the self-doubt eating him alive. Edwin provides the physical affection Charles was seeking in the form of that long-overdue hug. Edwin is the one who's able to reaffirm for him that he's not just a good guy, he's the best person Edwin knows.
And for all intents and purposes, Charles' major character arc ends here.
Charles has a few last little moments to go on the path to rebuilding his own self-image, after this, but for the most part his concerns have been resolved. He saves Crystal in episode 6 and Edwin in episode 7, proving to himself that he's able to make a difference in the face of overwhelming odds. He's not helpless, no matter what the Night Nurse told him; he can be a force for good in the world. By the end of the series, his crisis of self-doubt seems to have been largely overcome.
But it's the conversation with Edwin at the end of episode 5 that really allows him to work through his most pressing issues. Edwin is there to help support him when he stumbles. Edwin provides him the comfort he was looking for while Crystal was too worried about her own problems to notice how badly he needed the help.
Crystal, meanwhile, still has a ways to go after episode 5. The last three episodes are where she does her most important character growth.
In episode 6, she learns some hard lessons about keeping secrets and letting people help and appreciate you even when you can't offer them anything in return. And Charles, importantly, is there for her every step of the way. He consistently offers her physical and emotional support. He models for her, in a very real way, what it looks like to have someone prop you up when you need the help.
And in turn, Crystal steps in to save the boys. She's the big damn hero at the end of this episode.
The breakthrough continues into episode 7. She's so intent on helping to get Edwin out of hell that she literally goes to face her own demons, not for herself for once – not for her own purposes or needs or wants – but because she wants to help someone else.
And episode 8, at long last, brings her to the culmination of her character arc.
Crystal is at her absolute lowest here. Her family, the people who were supposed to love her unconditionally, didn't even realize she was gone. Her precious memories, that she's spent the entire series trying to regain, have showed her that she's not the person she hoped she would be. She's overwhelmed enough that she means to flee, to cut herself off from her new friends entirely.
Then the boys get kidnapped. And just like that, she makes up her mind.
For the first time since the start of the series, she sets aside her most important issues in order to let what other people need take precedence. She disregards all of her own personal concerns and focuses instead on others. She's finally stepped out of those selfish impulses that Jenny calls her out on, all the way back in the first episode. She's finally learned how to support other people when they need it.
Crystal has finally figured out how to be there for others, despite having troubles of her own.
It's a lovely arc, and it's beautifully done.
Charles' is just as touching.
And god damn, but it was a brilliant narrative choice to have their character arcs line up in exactly the wrong way.
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