#still have a lot of work to do with perspective though

[kathleenkatmary]

Yes. All of this. And to piggy back off of it, I feel like one of the big ideas the show highlights, particularly in the second season, is the way that trauma and pain can isolate us (especially women), especially when we're made to feel that expressing our pain and seeking help would be an annoyance or a burden to others and/or like our pain is misplaced or wrong because the perspective of everyone else seems to be that what we're experiencing isn't that bad, or isn't even bad at all. And in that isolation not only do we do things that close ourselves of from getting help from others, but it makes closes us off from seeing the pain the people close to us are struggling through.

I feel like the show was pretty explicitly critical of the way our culture treats trauma and the pain that comes from it and the way that "socially acceptable" ways of trying to deal and cope inherently isolate us from being able to both seek/receive help from others and offer help to those who need it.

Alison resorting to plotting to murder Kevin from the beginning of the show really highlights this, IMO, because it's made clear - particularly throughout the first season - that she's been made to feel like there's nowhere else for her to turn. She's surrounded by people who think Kevin is the greatest. Even the other women around her prop up this idea. There's at least one point where Diane talks about how great Kevin is and how lucky Alison is. Since she's known her Patti has been, from Alison's perspective, 'just one of the boys' when it comes to her relationship with Kevin. So when Alison looks around, it seems like she's alone. There's nobody who sees what she's going through, and with the way things are she understandably doubts that anyone would take her seriously.

And even when she and Patti do team up and start to see each other differently, there's still a lot of friction between them that comes almost solely from them continuing to operate like they were when they were alone because even though they are working together, they don't really know how to reach out to each other and ask for an offer emotional support. The culture they exist in doesn't teach them how to do that. And for them I think that's true twice over, because they both clearly grew up in families where that was the case, and the community they live in is clearly one where that kind of thing isn't really common or encouraged. It's not a coincidence that their relationship started getting healthier and more functional the more they both realized that they actually weren't alone in the things that they'd gone through and learned to both accept and offer support.

Patti and Alison really do represent the two different sides of this problem. Alison is self absorbed, she uses people, especially Patti, she often doesn't recognize what other people are going through, and she takes whatever help Patti will give her and then some without offering much in return. Patti, on the other hand, is constantly offering herself, her help, her support to Alison, even when it's detrimental to her life and relationships, even when she's getting very little, if any, help and support in return... but for much of their relationship, she doesn't really ask for it. There are points here and there where she blows up and points out how uneven their relationship is in this regard, but she always lets it go after that.

Alison doesn't know how to offer help and support, and Patti doesn't know how to ask for it. And when you look at their stories, it makes sense why that's the case. Alison has spent so long being so isolated, not really having any friends, the closest relationship she seems to have is with Diane, and even that seems pretty shallow. She's been stuck with this abusive asshole who sucks up all the air in the room, all the money she makes, all the attention and love from everyone in their lives, and through that all she has to watch and listen as people fawn over how great he is. She's been so alone in it for so long, with no relationships of any real depth. She's so self-focused because she's had nobody else but herself for so long, and nobody to see what she's going through. So when someone does see it and offers some kind of help and support, it makes sense that she would just take and take and take. It's like she's been stuck in the desert for so long and she's finally stumbled upon someone who's offering her a bit of water.

And in turn, it makes sense that Patti would continue to just keep giving, to just keep letting Alison take and take and take. She's been taking care of her brother for so long, even when he's an adult and he doesn't really need it, even when she know he's manipulating her so that he doesn't have to take care of himself. She found herself in this position when she was young where she had to take care of her brother, without anyone there to really offer and tangible help or support. She didn't really have any friends or close relationships of her own. Her life revolved around taking care of Neal, so the only 'friendships' she had were the ones she had through him, and while those relationships were shallow and empty they were the only ones she had. And she had them by way of taking care of her brother. She felt like she didn't have anyone to go to for help and support with her pain because not only did she not have anyone close enough to her to feel safe doing that with, but the position she'd been in since she was young made her feel like she was the one who had to take care of other people, not the one who was taken care of.

Alison and Patti were two women who had been traumatized at least in part by these roles they kind of ended up forced into, these roles that are very much consider expected and accepted roles for women in society. And society can be nasty to women who chafe against those roles. Especially when the men who make those roles miserable for them are so beloved by the community. Which just makes the women experiencing those traumas isolate themselves even more, and that results in them not being able to reach out to each other. It's also not helped by just the general way society teaches women to look at and think about each other. Both Patti and Alison express some pretty unflattering and stereotypical assumptions and perceptions about the other, which are based on (1) those cultural ideas about women, (2) the roles the society/culture they lived in forced them into, and (3) the roles they ended up in and the image they projected as a result of their isolation.

That's the tragedy that I think the flashback where they meet at the bar is really hammering home. These two had existed in each other's orbits for a long time, so close but just out of reach because of the way the culture and community they lived in taught them to isolate themselves, to wall themselves up, to shut up and deal with it themselves. If they had just been able to reach out to each other sooner, to both offer and receive help and support from each other, their situations never would have reached the extremes they did. But because they were made to think that they had to go it alone, that there was nobody else who could see what they were going through, that they needed to just keep their mouths shut and not make a fuss, they ended up having to struggle through it all by themselves for so long when they really didn't need to.

I've always felt like one of the biggest messages the show was trying to put out there is that there's no such thing as a 'perfect victim', and that a big reason for that is because our culture's relationship with trauma and emotional pain inherently puts people who have experienced trauma in a position that fosters those 'imperfect' things that can make victims selfish and mean and reckless and self-centered and irrational. No matter how much you'll see people online or in the media talking about self-care and mental health support and getting help, when it comes to actual people experiencing actual trauma and its aftermaths in an actual community, our society and culture is still very much set up in a way that discourages people who have been abused and traumatized isolated and alone, and I think Kevin Can F**k Himself did a really amazing job at really laying bare that reality, exploring just how damaging those norms are, and showing how powerful finding someone who understands and learning how to both seek and offer help can be.

A thing I find really important about the way Kevin Can Fuck Himself goes about its job: Allison is kind of a mess. She’s self-centered, she doesn’t put other people’s needs first, she makes reckless choices that endanger herself and others. And the show says: yes. Right. She’s flawed as fuck. And she still does not deserve any of what’s happening to her. It could be argued that she is, in fact, this flawed as a direct product of her trauma. Her self-absorption, unlike Kevin’s, is actually self-preservation. It puts Patty in danger. It tunes out Diane’s pain. It capitalizes on Sam’s relationship problems. And still, the show says: yes. Right. She’s going about this in fumbling, worrying ways. And she still does not deserve any of what’s happening to her.

Know how we know this? How we really know this, outside of our own objectivity, our own awareness of the abuse she’s enduring even to the soundtrack of laughter?

Because Tammy is the one to find her. Because Tammy is the one holding the cards at the end of the game. Tammy, who does not like Allison. Who sees so clearly the complicated, messy, dangerous person Allison can be. The mistakes she is prone to making in the name of desperation. How imperfect she is at every level. And Tammy, who is the character most explicitly set to call Allison on all of her shit, to drag her before a court of law, to lean on that hot-button of whether or not she’s a “good person” until it breaks—lets her go. Folds the cards up, puts them in her pocket, and leaves.

Because Tammy, like the show, like the thesis statement of abuse is never earned, never deserved, never warranted, understands. This is a world that so often sanitizes women after it’s too late to save them. A world that insists she should have done more to get out. A world that insists you should be kind and moral and perfect, or maybe you got what was coming to you. This is a world that sees fighting back as an equally heinous crime. As punishable, if not more so, than the actions of the instigator.

But this show doesn’t want to play that game. This show doesn’t want to fuck with it at all. Allison doesn’t have to be perfect and moral and above reproach. Allison has blood on her hands, and a DUI neatly ignored, and knowingly has an affair with her married boss. Allison hurts her friends sometimes, and she makes awful decisions out of desperation, and she doesn’t always pay attention to other people’s plotlines. And the show says: yes. Right. She’s making choices you probably should not agree with.

And she still does not deserve any of what is happening to her.

[anthrax4sale]

happy 2nd birthday to "bacillus anthracis and the longest night of your life"

two years later, and i'm still not done with it. the visual album component as well as the lyric pdf (and, shit, the tapes (which i promise are happening)) are still yet to be completed, which is something i regret but ultimately understand.

i got burnt the fuck out after making this. i skidded into my deadline like a body on pavement. i've said it before, but it bears repeating that the central idea of the album didn't come to me until about a month before i planned to release it. that's just how i work, though - the process of putting all my works together is what informs the actual meaning of the larger work. a lot of what works on this album thematically, pacing-wise, etc, is halfway by accident. the other half is by divine providence, apparently.

i keep telling myself i want to go back to it, do a director's cut edition or whatever, but ultimately i don't think i really can. it is what it is, and it has been that, so it will continue to have that as part of it, inextricably. i'll just do what i always planned to do anyway - continue to cannibalize my own work, and if i get the chance to give some of these songs a second form, then so be it.

i think what baatlnoyl accidentally became is something very interesting. a nonlinear story with two perspectives, the dreamer and the love inside the dream, one static and one fluid, and so on and so on... the more i listen to this album, the more i start to see something in it. it's very apt, i think. it's like when you wake up from a dream that you can't fully remember, but you feel like a process has occurred, and from now on you are different. the weight of it catches up with you over time, as your fragmented half memories of the dream form threads between each other, creating a story for you, recalling it like a memory. i like that.

[wylanlupin]

wolfstar micro fic - 655 words

genderfluid sirius black, jealous remus lupin, sirius black uses she/her and they/them pronouns, famous au, marauders are actors

The camera zooms into the scene, everyone is quiet, while they’re filming. Only Sirius and her scene partner Barty, are allowed to talk.

Remus is sitting on his chair, watching his girlfriend work. He loves watching Sirius act, they’re so talented and always put their everything in each scene. And he is truly in awe of her.

Lily is the holder of their camera today. Being in a film set so long, with all your friends, just screams to be filmed from their perspective. Everyday someone else is the “camera-holder” as James calls it.

Maybe the fans someday will get to see a little footage of it, but it’s more only for them. Their management team and filming team, are responsible for the footage the fans will have for behind the scenes and bloopers.

Remus is sipping on his ice matcha, with his whole focus on his girlfriend, that he doesn’t even realise that Lily is filming his face up close.

For the twelfth time in the last half hour, does Barty lean down and capture Sirius’ lips in his. He’s holding her face with both of his hands and pressing them against the wall.

It’s a very intense kissing scene and is taking way too long and too many takes, if you ask Remus.

“Cut!” Barty immediately takes a step back and Sirius drives her delicate fingers through her hair. A bright smile takes over her face, which releases a warm feeling in Remus’ chest. “Ok, we have it.” Their director says and the staff starts cleaning the scene.

Sirius is still talking to Barty, so Lily focus the video back on Remus. “How do you feel?”

“Much better now, knowing that this terrible scene is over. And I don’t have to watch Barty kissing my girl.” He grins at the camera and Lily can’t suspend her giggles. “And why is that?”

“Because this mother-“ he just mouths ”f_cker”before he speaks loudly again, “has a crush on Sirius and isn’t even a little subtle about it.”

It bothers Remus a lot, how open and vocal this idiot is about, being in love with Remus’ girlfriend. Lily just chuckles again and zooms into the conversation Sirius is having with Barty.

They’re shouting a series and at the moment, Barty is playing the boyfriend of Sirius’ character, but not for long. They already filmed the break up scene between the characters.

Right now though, has Sirius dressed in the short pink pyjama pants and a white crop shirt. In short, she looks absolutely stunning and Remus would love to ruin her hair, but it were Barty’s hands, that made them this dishevelled.

And the worst part is, that Remus can’t even be mad at Barty, because of course everyone has a crush on Sirius. Everyone here knows how attractive and pretty she is, everyone on set sees what a talented and stunning actress she is and everyone observe, how kind and selfless she is.

Remus can live with that, the whole fucking world loves her, but Barty? He could at least have the respect and not officially tell people how in love he is with them. It wouldn’t bother Remus so much, if he wouldn’t post and talk about her so often.

Finally, Sirius is coming over to Remus and sitting down on his lap. “Hey, my love.” She greets him and gives him a long kiss.

Remus is a simple man, of course he relaxes into her and wraps his arms around hers waist to keep her close. He forgets Barty, the second her tongue meets his.

A cough gets Sirius’ attention and she looks over at Lily, who holds the rolling camera in their faces. “Hi, Lils.” And Remus is not only a simple man, but also pathetic. He forgot about Lily, the camera and his matcha and only remembers those things, when Sirius leaves his lap.

[louisferrignojr]

gotta say that i disagree that nobody fights for buck. in s5 taylor said it best: buck's life is full of meaningful relationships, actually. every person of the firefam would fight for and support buck. he is and will never be alone again in his life, especially during the hard times (which they reiterated in 8x05). meanwhile, we see thus being contrasted with tommy not having any kind if support system like that. the same seemed to be the case for taylor. i know people want tommy to fight for this, and i agree that i definitely need him to check his trauma and fears to work this out with buck. but buck is the main character that has had seasons of alleged development. he died and came back, got clarity, was supposed to finally feel good in his own skin, worked out his childhood trauma with his parents in therapy, formed a support system, now discovered he is bisexual and felt free with it. and now tommy is the only one who should grovel? i get the idea but. evan buckley is the character we have seen grow and learn. i want him to put in the work as well. look at how he fought for his job when he thought he would lose it forever. THAT is what i need from him rn. if he is just giving this up with a shrug, then i don't want bucktommy in canon. we have seen tommy taking care of buck and supporting him in all his shenanigans. i need to see that buck is absolutely serious about this and ready to fight for it. if he doesn't, he still hasn't found his true love or still doesn't know what he wants in life. i am bored by this. we have been here multiple times already. do something else with evan buckley finally or just allow him to be a bachelor forever.

okay yes buck has meaningful platonic and familial relationships.

no romantic partner has fought for him. abby ghosted him because of her own issues even though she's a fucking grown ass woman, ali got a reality check and broke up with him when he was in recovery after nearly dying, which okay, fair enough. and while i believe taylor did nothing wrong in reporting the jonah story, the narrative wants us to think she prioritised her work, and she did betray buck's trust which, again, buck wanted to protect his firehouse (which is his family) so he wasn't being objective. reporters exposing scandals within govt orgs that are supposed to protect the public is not a bad thing, actually. the only time he's broken up with someone first is natalia and we were told it's because she was obsessed with his died-and-came-back experience.

and listen. i love tommy more than anything. but buck is still the main character. we're going to see buck going through the breakup, not tommy. we're not going to get much about tommy's past. we're not going to get any scenes with tommy and another character if buck isn't also there. you remember karen going to chimney and them day drinking together because they thought hen was being unfaithful (again)? i wish we could see tommy and chimney talking about their buckleys. but the way the show got rid of all minor characters and consistently treats LIs as nothing more than LIs... i'm not hopeful. we'll get one scene with tommy's Explanation and i'm not even hopeful it's gonna be well written (but i'm sure lou will be serving. god. they wrote such a shitty break up scene and he fucking ATE.)

yeah, buck fucked up by jumping the gun and asking tommy to move in with him when he couldn't even say the i love you, and i hope this will be addressed in future eps. but tommy immediately ended the relationship because he Knows Better and left buck heartbroken. this is what happened on the show. the average viewer isn't doing ten layers of analysis to understand tommy's perspective, nor should they have to. i love the metas, i'm digging into tommy's headspace in my next fix it fic, but this is still the dumb weewoo show.

i don't think tommy needs to grovel, i don't think he's the Bad Guy in this story, i have a lot of empathy for tommy and so does the GA! they're not mad at tommy, they want him back! they want bucktommy back! and i want them both to fight for each other, to apologise and admit to their fuck ups and admit how much they care about each other and that they want to be each other's forever love! i want them to say i love you!

but buck is still the protagonist in this story and i don't want to see him running back to someone who broke up with him in such a way that had him asking "wait, did you just break up with me?" because again, this is what happened on our screens. i want tommy making the first move, opening the door for reconciliation, showing that he knows he made a mistake out of fear from his past trauma, for buck to then know he is wanted, that tommy came back for him, and then put in the effort to fight for them.

hope this makes sense. and as always, for people reading this - this is not the space for you to bash on buck's previous LIs, please take it elsewhere.

[wannabanauthor]

Since I’ve had more time to process the breakup and have read fellow shippers’ thoughts, I can see why Tommy decided to end the relationship.

Although I have no faith in the writers or Tim anymore, they can turn this around if they choose to.

And here’s how:

So the breakup scene makes sense through a PTSD lens. And I’m talking just about PTSD in general, not army related.

When you’re dealing with a PTSD episode, until it’s over, there is very little anyone can say or do to get you out of it. Your brain will not listen because it’s stuck in a loop and you can’t get out until it lets you.

Breathing techniques work, but the amount of emotions and nonsense you say will not let up until it runs its course. I’m speaking from experience, but I can’t say much about it because lawyers, etc.

Once it’s over, the amount of guilt you have for all the horrible things you said or did will hit you hard.

So for Tommy, he was fine until Buck asked him to move in with him. Tommy’s smile dropped instantly and he went into panic mode. It escalated when Buck mentioned engagement and marriage.

I think it’s possible a mixture of guilt over Abby and past experiences with other queer newbies, that set him off into a PTSD spiral.

Buck unknowingly hit a trigger(s), and Tommy instantly shut down.

That conversation went from Abby to moving in, and it was completely out of left field. There was no real buildup to it from Buck. He just asked Tommy and made this sort of people-pleasing speech. Instead of tackling the actual problem, Buck just went straight for progressing their relationship to another level.

Tommy’s guilt and past heartbreak flared up, and he probably thought he was back in that mental space after he broke up with Abby and dated someone and thought they would be forever, but it didn’t work out.

So he starts saying things like he can’t move in because Buck’s still new to his sexuality. He’s picking up the signs that he’s seen in previous relationships that obviously didn’t work out, and he got scared and panicked.

He really liked Buck and didn’t want them to go the same route as his past relationships where he either was the newbie or dated a newbie and thought it would be forever.

He’s stuck in the spiral and can’t see a way out because he’s terrified of getting his heartbroken if things don’t work out. So he ends the relationship and leaves. It doesn’t make sense to the audience or anyone else, but if you look at it from the PTSD perspective, it does make sense. Again speaking from personal experience.

Now am I saying this was intentional from the writers and Tim? No, not at all. They’re not smart enough for that. At least I don’t think they are. Only future episodes will confirm or deny this.

Now how to fix it:

Tommy has an emergency appointment with his therapist. He’s going to need it before and after the PTSD episode is over. The guilt and heartbreak from ending things with Buck is going to hurt him a lot. Especially since he called Evan “Buck” right after breaking up with him. He didn’t even realize that he ended things until Buck asked.

Once the episode is over, he’s going to need to process the whole relationship all over with the therapist and figure out where to go from there.

It’ll take him a few weeks maybe less/more before he reaches out to Buck to talk. It’ll be a reverse image of their coffee date, with him making the first step to mend things.

I think they could get back together and work it out, but they’d need to take a few steps back and probably go into couples counseling. Buck would also need his own therapist because he still needs to process being bisexual and actually using the word.

If they get back together, I can see them starting from the beginning again and progressing extremely slowly. Buck needs to learn not to rush into things. Even though he likes Tommy so much, he definitely was not thinking clearly when he asked Tommy to move in. There wasn’t even a natural transition in the conversation. It’s like Buck was having the conversation in his head and spoke out loud, which is a common adhd trait.

Tim Minear and the writers could get a few seasons content out of BuckTommy if they wanted even with how things ended in 8x06.

Now do I think this was the intention? Nope. The breakup seemed rushed and abrupt, and for all we know Tommy is gone forever. We can’t trust any interviews from anyone, so I have very little hope that Buck and Tommy can come back from this. I don’t trust the writers or Tim.

So there, I managed to cobble together some explanation for the breakup.

[rosewaterandpinkseasalt]

if we’re going with that though—do we think steven would really figure that out during the timeline of the show? we only see him up until the age of sixteen. he’s processing everything he’s been through (which is a lot) and he’s in a terrible mental state. i think this is something he’s going to reflect on & really figure out in post canon. if anything, a tiny silver lining is that the end of canon reminds young people that they don’t need to have all their traumas resolved right away! his relationship, too, is something he’s still working on but we can kind of tell they’re always going to be together.

i can’t help but sympathize with steven & as someone who’s older than him i really like how you always acknowledge the outside perspective! lots of rose haters see the show from steven’s perspective and forget that they can have an outside one, too. i try to look at both.

through steven’s eyes, he has a whole belief system set up and so much happens throughout his adolescence that, while he changes and goes through unimaginable things, he doesn’t know what to believe anymore. he starts to only see extremes. he started off with imagining rose as this perfect mother for comfort, and then he learns things about her that are quite alarming (i.e., bismuth being bubbled, not telling garnet and ame and dad about being a diamond) and feels this bitterness & anger. he even begins to question if she’s a bad person. it’s going to take awhile for him to process and figure out everything.

in a very similar way, he has trouble with how he feels about himself. he grew up isolated from lots of kids & finding out he was a protector & a healer, but as time goes on he struggles with self blame and self doubt. he begins focusing so much on protecting others that he forgets about himself—which makes him lose some self awareness, too.

so, when he’s in fight or flight like that and he needs to make a last minute decision, he chooses something that’s extremely self destructive but with the intention to protect the person he loves most. & that’s interesting to me because he’s not only reminding me of one mom here—he’s reminding me of pearl, too.

situations involving life or death & fight or flight, when the person already has lots of unresolved trauma and mental health issues… these situations can easily bring out some troubling aspects of people.

i have so much empathy for steven & pearl that i can’t bring myself to say that they were bad hurtful partners—really, they were being self destructive. & i think connie and rose were upset but more so because they were worried about their partners and they couldn’t do anything to protect them. it’s not something that would end their relationships or lessen trust—but it’s definitely a good example of how putting your loved ones over yourself & not having self compassion can cause issues when they feel the same amount of love for you & want to protect you, too.

@selkie-soup you know steven & connverse better than i do, but this situation is just very interesting to me and i thought i would chime in! i hope this is soup approved :3

it irks me so much when people act like Connie is in the wrong for how she acted after the trial. It ignores three things. One- Connie is 12, of course she won't act "perfect". Two- she tried to talk to him irl but Steven was at the cabin with the gems + his dad. Three- Connie has a right to take space, even if it was in her best interest it's not unreasonable she was hurt. She wanted to be there for him and they promised to protect each other (not to mention if any of Pearl's ideology still effected her) and she felt like their promise was broken. It was for the best she was left behind but she can still have complex feelings about the topic.

[nessa-rpgs]

Light of Dawn

Godric Obeyron (he/him), my human paladin (WoW) during the war in Northrend.

[bunnieswithknives]

sorry if idk this but what do you think about Wordgirl now in 2024 do you still like it do you still want to make art or talk about it or are you just done with all of it forever and plus i seen that you haven't made art of it since 2022 so you just done with all of it oh yeah and what about The Magnus Archives + Wordgirl ao3 fic too like is that just going to be and i know that your working on 2 au's now just wanting to know that's all

My interests tend to come in intense bursts and then fade. Unless something like, big happens like it gets a reboot its unlikely I'll be coming back to it anytime soon. As for the fic I don't have any current plans to finish it unfortunately.

[puppyeared]

for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........

[passumstars]

I will likely never get to do anything with her

[kikizoshi]

Feeling discouraged, so here's a short, unfinished Godos piece that will never be realised. Nikolai's attempting (read: failing) to write his first draft of a play (an adaptation of Dead Souls, Part 2). Fyodor was going to cheer him up and inspire him, somehow, but I don't have any clue how, so this is all I could get out of that idea. (I do at least like how it turned out, though, unfinished as it is.)

---

The words on the page taunted Nikolai like so many Sufi dervishes. They blurred, swirled into characters half-formed, who jumped and jeered just out of Nikolai’s sight. ‘Find us,’ they seemed to say. ‘Come and see our beautiful lives! And then depict us, reveal us to everyone, that we may truly exist.’ They beckoned him to find them, invited him to view their marvelous exploits, to laugh along with their absurd adventures—and then just as he reached to meet them, they slipped away, laughing. Unendingly they tortured him with scenes just beyond grasp, a perfect story hidden in the periphery of a dense fog.

Nikolai groaned, leaned back, and pressed his palms against his eyes. It was a perfect picture of agony, well-practiced and endlessly rehearsed. ‘Yet all the acting in the world won’t save a lacking script,’ he thought. ‘Ah, why can’t you just write yourselves? Hop along, I’ll even guide the quill, so long as you do something, anything, oh please…’ His entreaties, of course, prompted naught but more formless tittering. Nikolai sighed, and contemplated how effective bashing his scull against the door-jam would be at shaking something loose.

“Is something the matter?” an irritatingly calm Fyodor asked from behind him. Nikolai swung around in his chair, resting his arms on the back, and stared pointedly at his relaxed friend who lounged so serenely on the green recliner, a book nestled under his folded palms. The question itself was preemptive, a set-up, a frivolous first line of a three-line script which always arrived at the same conclusion. Nikolai recognised the offer for friendly—and perhaps even needed—advice, but took it no less bitterly. He smiled mirthlessly. Nevertheless, he played his part.

“Whatever gave you that impression? Was it the willful suicide of the last of my creative expression? Or perhaps you hear them laughing too?”

“Your characters won’t work with you?” (Here, the second phrase, to be replied with…)

“Oh, far beyond that. They won’t speak to me at all! I’m being shunned.”

“I see.” Fyodor concluded and stood, pulling the curtain on their impromptu play. Nikolai watched him go, mildly curious which remedy Fyodor would prescribe this time. “I need to visit the theatre,” he said finally. “Would you like to join me?”

Nikolai laughed flatly. “For what? The stage doesn’t—and I say this from great experience—do anything for one’s imagination. If anything, it’s worse, because you see everything that has been and none of what could be! Can you imagine that? I know, I know, you’re ‘not that way artistically inclined,’ but imagine for a moment that the sentences of your computer codes were jumping and jaunting about in front of your very eyes, and so to fix it, you decided to stare at someone else's pages. Well? Would that help you very much?”

“Most likely it wouldn’t.” Fyodor smiled. “But we won’t be going to the stage. I need to stop by the costuming department. Misha talked one of the women there into parting with an unused costume design for Verenka, but couldn’t pick it up himself.”

“And you just so happen to be free?”

“No,” Fyodor said, a bit dejected. “But I couldn’t stand to stare at my colleagues’ ‘pages’. As you say, it won’t do any good.” He sighed wearily. “Some fresh air and new scenery, tea, something else to think about… I need them greatly. And some company would be nice, too.”

Nikolai stood without ceremony (a shame, yes, but recall his lack of inspiration and forgive him), stretched, and said flatly, “Well then, what are we waiting for?”

---

As it turned out, Nikolai was quite quick to regret those words. A lovely stroll down the uncharacteristically sun-touched streets of St. Petersburg wound down into a bustling cafe.

---

Surprisingly, all went well at the theatre. The lady was quite nice, expressing her condolences and well-wishes for the ‘poor young woman’, and waved them on their way. Pattern safely secured, the two stopped by the next-door cafe, ‘The Stray Dog’, (home to aspiring and established artists alike), for a spot of tea. And thence all collapsed.

[funkylilomen]

i should make proper references for Morning Star...

[neverendingford]

.

[slippery-minghus]

*sighs* made it home ok and now have a purring lump on my lap. i took a panic pill as soon as i got home and i think it's helping. after how stressful work was and then electrolysis, i'm feeling post-meltdown exhaustion. i got a little food in me but i'm just so tired. i really hope tomorrow's a better day.

[xinganhao]

📒 svt when reader journals about them.

@hannie-bees → "Svt finding out abt the journal you made about your memories of them like when you go on dates or candid pics you took without them knowing ???"

⌗ ┆the bujo spreads were taken from pinterest, and most came from @_thatskioshi on instagram! <3

‧₊˚✩彡 includes: established relationship, pet names, fluff, a kms joke, one too many 'oh my god's, [short] headcanons under the cut. open to requests!

📒 headcanons .ᐟ

— would tease you about it ✩ jeonghan, junhui, wonwoo, chan.

jeonghan and chan are not about to let you live this down. sure, they appreciate your work and they're hopelessly endeared by your cuteness. but you don't have to know that. instead, they fall back on joking around. jeonghan would probably proudly refer to himself as your 'bias', while chan goads you for having a crush on him. they're a little annoying about it, but it's only because they don't know how to properly express just how much this little hobby of yours means to them. junhui is a bit of somewhere in the middle. he'll have a wisecrack (or two) about your pages, but he's ultimately more openly appreciative of what he considers to be genuine art. he'll start begging you to make him copies or collages for his own keeping. if you comply, he'll have one in his wallet at all times, to look at whenever he misses you. wonwoo's teasing is a lot more pared down compared to the others. it's still there, though. his little remarks about taking photos on dates for your 'wonu book' (his words, not yours). as much as he'll tease you about it, there's also a quiet air of affection around him. he'll be more willing to pose how you want him or to dress in certain clothes if it means it will make you happy with the pages you end up doing.

— would be chill about it ✩ seungcheol, jihoon, minghao, vernon.

seungcheol is smug. of course he is. he's proud, even, when he sees how much time and effort you've put in to these little pages of him. he's likely to encourage it in the form of more cute stationery, to the point that you'll have to beg him to stop getting you stuff. he'll joke to you that it's an investment— the equivalent exchange being that he now has to see all your future pages, too. jihoon gives off the air of someone who doesn't really seem to care about what you consider to be an embarrassing secret. inwardly, he's impressed. he's an artist himself, after all, and he knows how much goes in to creating. but what will really get you is when you realize he's not joking about the song-after-every-date. he'll write anything from a full track to a couple of verses. if you have your journal, he has his composition book with your name at the very front. minghao and vernon will be similar in the sense that they're both appreciative of your effort, as well as the artistry of the pages. minghao is likely to comment on the little details of your spreads while vernon will ask all the right questions to learn more about it. they won't bug you about it moving forward, though there's a private sort of contentment to them that this is something you do for/because of them.

— would not be chill about it ✩ soonyoung, mingyu, seokmin.

oh, these three. soonyoung will scream about it to literally everyone. he acts almost like no one has ever done this for him before. when you try to point out that he probably has fans who does this on the daily, he takes personal offense. because this is you. him from your perspective. and he'll talk about it until the day he dies, he swears. in tagalog/filipino, there's an untranslatable word called kilig. the closest that people have come to translating it is 'cuteness aggression', though kilig runs much deeper. that's exactly how mingyu feels when he finds out. he'll squish your cheeks, bombard you with kisses, hug you until you can't breathe. he loves you so much in that very moment, in the knowledge that you feel a fraction of what you feel for him. and seokmin, the sweetheart :( you'll probably have to check in on him because he'll be inconsolable. you're dating; he knows that. you love him; he knows that, too. but to have a physical, tangible reminder of it? to hold proof of that love in his hands, in the form of a carefully curated journal? he'll cry you a river over just how grateful he is to love well and be loved well.

— would want to participate ✩ joshua, seungkwan.

best believe that mr. arts and crafts joshua hong would immediately be on board. of course, he's largely appreciative of your effort, but he's also mostly keen on picking up this little hobby with you. he'll be infuriatingly good at it, too, with his eye for color and his attention to detail. it will become a new 'thing' for the two of you, to log your dates this way. seungkwan has a lot less finesse. he doesn't really know what he's doing, but his enthusiasm makes up for it. he's more likely to end up with a lot of stray stickers and pen marks on his palms. at the end of the day, he wants to make good on his word: you deserve to be seen from the perspective of someone who loves you, too.

[cloudedgalaxies]

ANYWAYS Idiyuu is Hades and Persephone conspiracy:

Persephone is not from the Underworld. She is called back to the Mortal Realm eventually because she has to return. Yuu is literally from another world. They are not suited to Twisted Wonderland, and are nothing like Idia has ever seen. They have to go back eventually.

Hades is probably one of the few TWST boys to have a “canon” spouse (at least in Greek mythology, which Hercules’ Hades is obviously based on). On top of that, Hades and Persephone is the love story between death and life, isolation and abundance, ending and rebirth. Idia is a gloomy, pessimistic boy who has been condemned to be the keeper of the Underworld. Yuu is a kind, gentle prefect who has been there to help and has helped everyone they know, again and again. 

Night Raven College has been in a ‘winter’ for all of its history. Everyone is hostile to everyone, no one wants to cooperate or work together, and every single person there has some ulterior motive. In comes Yuu, who is a breath of fresh air. A new perspective. A new season. They bring ‘spring,’ showing people that they can bloom. They can harbor feelings that aren’t cruel. They can do things that aren’t harsh. And slowly, they start to thaw. Flowers of friendship and something gentler bloom. Yuu is there to help pull the boys from their darkest moments to see the light again. Idia is no exception.

I think that the way Book 6 was set up makes Idia and Yuu seem a lot more meaningful honestly, though I'm probably reading way too into things lol. Yuu originally goes to the Island of Woe to save Grim. They don’t particularly care much about what’s going on with Idia—they just want to get Grim back. But then later, once they realize what’s going on, they do. There isn’t much, if any, personal connection to Idia’s overblot like there was with all the others. Yuu doesn’t have to do anything to help. And yet, they still do. Even after Idia basically kidnapped Grim, they still help him. They still try to end his winter.

Persephone, in many forms of the myth, didn't originally go to the Underworld willingly. But eventually, she came to love Hades, and they were happy together. Idia and Yuu have no reason to care about the other at first. But they eventually do, after everything that happens and everything that brings them together.

Hades and Persephone are in a constant push and pull. Persephone has to leave because if she stays, winter will never end. She does not want to leave, because she loves Hades. Yuu has to leave Twisted Wonderland, because they have a home beyond it that they need to return to. And yet, they don't want to leave because they love Idia. Idia doesn't want them to go, because it finally feels like spring again. But the seasons have to continue in their cycle, so what can they do?

Also, I think it’s really funny and really beautiful how Idia and Yuu’s first meeting was probably the Ghost Marriage event. This guy who thinks he has 0 rizz ends up having to be saved by some strange new isekai'd student and their gang of potential suitors before he gets his first kiss and promptly dies afterwards. Idia, the boy surrounded by death, is saved by the prefect who seems to be giving everyone a new chance at life. Imagine how poetic it’d be if Yuu and Idia end up getting married in the end, except now neither of them are going to die and they have the rest of their new lives together. There will be winter, but there will also be spring. The cycle of seasons will continue, but flowers will always bloom. They will always return to each other.