#still cant draw backgrounds but dont worry abt that

[kaddppa]

Gonna call this a redraw of this drawing from 2 years ago. Happy to see I’m progressing even though I hardly draw anymore. Kenny Walking Dead my beloved :] manpain world

[jennilah]

I think i started to follow you bc of tiny!cas, like eons ago, let me tell you seeing you get into different fandoms over the years has been a delight.

I remember seeing post of you going like 'hey these slasher film kinda go hard' and look at you know.

I mean this in the best way possible, I feel i've been watching a house plant grow, every now and then catching my attention and being amazed by the changes

omg thats such a sweet way of describing my... well happy autism awareness day everyone, its a nice way of describing the way i naturally transition through my Special Interests lmfao

actually, for the holiday, let me infodump about this very aspect of my brain to anyone who isnt aware how this works for me. (also every autistic person is different, so this is just how this symptom manifests in me)

ill say "phases" to simplify, though thats an unfair word because it implies im "over" my past phases. 99% of my past phases are pretty much there for life, but in the back of my mind. (So long as I didnt have a "bad breakup" with it for some reason, which is rare but happens) The ability to become a raving lunatic about it is dormant until someone asks the right question.

There can only be one interest (sometimes 2, with one being the less dominant one) at the forefront of my brain at a time, though. that defines the "phase".

so for example, my recent Halloween phase is "over" and I am 100% fully into Saw now, but I still absolutely love Halloween and Michael and Jason and all those guys. as evident by me still happily sharing gifsets and art and buying merch etc if it tickles my fancy. They're just hanging out in the background of my mental display case.

yea whoever follows my tumblr for a very long time has watched it happen in realtime. the transition between interests. i know for a fact which phase I started this blog on. if you're here from the beginning, youve seen, in order:

-Durarara!! -Deus Ex -Supernatural -Godzilla -Detroit: Become Human -There was like a few weeks where it was HLVRAI -And then it was plants. There was a year-long stretch with no Special Interest and I was latching onto odd things (and I was very inactive here) -Halloween & Friday the 13th -and now, Saw

I have many other things I love, but they don't clamp around my brain in quite the same extreme way.

my phases can last any amount of time, anywhere from a few short intense months to 5+ years, its completely random, completely unpredictable. even the interest itself is impossible to predict. its not something i choose, its something that happens to me.

sometimes i avoid watching things for a long time because im still very emotionally attached to my current phase and im genuinely afraid the shiny new thing will replace it. all art or fic ideas for the previous phase? theyll be abandoned. all I will want to create will be related to the new thing. (though I will sometimes draw it anyway, like digging up old toys to play with once in a while. The likelihood just drops considerably)

which is why right now i pretty much put a pause on the other franchises I plan on watching. I'm genuinely gripping onto Saw like someone is tryin to take it from me.

and then sometimes im like "haha yeah right. ill be fine. ill eat my shoe if my brain latches to this" and then put on the movie and by the credits roll im a new person (yes thats what happened with Saw. I really had no idea.)

this is also why im terrified of even just "checking out" things that have, like, a toxic fanbase or something, because i cant stop a new phase from happening if it does. and its really hard to keep it to myself, fuck

(do u know how mad i was when i realized i was attaching to hoffman the evil dirty cop??? i was so scared of drawing him, dudes. but thankfully everyones been cool abt it and we're all very aware of his awfulness & we have fun w it)

and every time my brain changes and i do get obsessed with some new thing, i get really scared and worried and hope I dont bother everyone who followed me for something else :(((( and yet, every time, im absolutely floored by how many people choose to tolerate my newest nonsense and stick around anyway

anyway ive lost the plot of what point i was making here OH YEAH thank you!

tl;dr: that would be the autism! thank you, it WILL happen again! that is a threat! 🥰

[minhyukie]

your oral presentation abt joohyuk was soso cute!! can you give us your onion about the other _____hyuk ships as well !! :O

Ahhhh I Love your Voice

this would be too much to fit into a voice note anyway fjdskf and i think doing Every single mx pairing would be a bit too much for my tiny brain but!!  i’m gonna talk about each minhyuk pairing under the cut, im not sure if they’ll be as enjoyable as the joohyuk one (i feel like im probably best at talking about them since they’re my favorite) but i hope this is what u guys were looking for :D

showhyuk – i feel like their dynamic is v beneficial especially to shownu, bc minhyuk literally thinks sooo so greatly of shownu like u can tell how much he admires him!! he’s always praising shownus looks and strengths in variety and his actions reflect it as well – during the vlive they did abt law of the jungle, minhyuk literally only seemed to care about shownu monitoring him and shownu’s opinions on how he did because he respects shownu in variety so much, and although minhyuk was originally the member who mx seemed to want to point towards variety shownu ended up being that person instead and i think in shownu’s mind it still means a lot to be thought of that highly by minhyuk, who he views as being so good at speaking and variety.. they both just admire each other a lot in that respect and i think its v good for each of them. also – im partially taking this from what i saw a friend say once, but i think minhyuk helps relieve shownu sometimes from the responsibilities of being a leader… shownu is a great leader i’ve said and explained it so many times but also as they said in the one mxray episode it puts a lot on his shoulders and although he is able to handle it well, i think minhyuk really helps to relieve it because he also acts as their leader in so many ways!! and showhyuk really has a soft spot in my heart bc out of all the members, i feel like shownu really loves minhyuk the way he is the most.. when he said during no exit broadcast that he actually loves it when minhyuk talks a lot.. that’s a statement that i think is beyond what many of the other members feel.. i think the way shownu and minhyuk are actually quite opposite really draws shownu into minhyuk and it’s honestly surprising to me how much shownu just.. loves him? he loves being physically close with minhyuk.. and im no Expert on shownu pairings but i rly dont observe shownu behaving that way with the other members as compared to how he … i wish i could make a gifset compilation of it i think about it all the time but shownu is always reaching out to hold minhyuk’s hand… there are so many subtle moments and honestly it’s almost always shownu initiating it.. and obviously the sweet bed scene from right now with minhyuk cuddling up to him, and also at the end of the liev minhyuk did a similar thing.. and how he lets minhyuk quite literally crawl onto him both during the liev, and the moment at isac.. it’s not even shownu just “tolerating” it or anything but whenever he has these physical interactions with minhyuk i can really see how much he loves it?? it’s something v unique to the two of them and i dont think any of the other members react the same way to minhyuk and like i said it’s just. i really feel like shownu loves minhyuk So Much the way he is… i lvoe them…

wonhyuk – THEYRE SOOO CUTE AN D FUNNIE FJDKSLFDS 2017 was a blessing in the wonhyuk vlives it gave us and it rly opened my perspective to their relationship which i honestly think is so complex beyond what im going to say i feel like… it’s hard for me to discuss abt them bc i think a lot of what im abt to say is a lot more my opinion and speculation than me actually having any idea what’s going on!! their relationship really just goes from one extreme to the other bc one one hand they are soo wild like.. they really have no physical boundaries.. when i was coming up with moments to put in my possessive minhyuk gifset i just kept on coming up with more wonhyuk moments i really considered just making it a wonhyuk gifset at one point bc i couldn’t come up with anything else?? a lot of it is minhyuk to wonho but sometimes even the other way around.. but their relationship is also v intimate emotionally? and this is where i sort of trip up and im not sure about a lot of things.. the obvious place to point is the radio show where wonho talked about each of the members and shared about how important minhyuk was to him and how much he had been leaning on and relying on him as a source of comfort… but beyond that it gets a bit fuzzy? it’s very fascinating to watch the two of them and how they support each other, whether its minhyuk encouraging wonho to speak up or during a meet and greet where minhyuk was starting to fret about his role as MC in the background and you could see wonho comforting him and telling him he was doing well.. i think that maybe they’ve shared with each other a lot on these sorts of topics and insecurities, and i think they both share a bit in that aspect (at least at that point in time) about being afraid to say the wrong thing and the way they both search for peoples’ approval.. but then 2017 hit!! and now they’re really just TWO CHILDREN FJDKLSFDS THEYRE SO CUUUTE the way they bicker with each other and i think its almost like they can both be as completely immature as possible with each other while knowing it’s reciprocated? the fact that wonho can say “i wish minhyuk would disappear” without any fear of misunderstanding or annoyance.. the way minhyuk cutely kept saying he wanted wonho to see him as a friend.. their dynamic is really so fascinating to me even moreso recently… also sidenote but it’s cute how wonho doesn’t like eating alone and i know minhyuk didn’t join him for that one vlive (i genuinely believe he was busy) but if u think back to the vlives they did together this year it was always minhyuk joining wonho to eat… :-( i feel like minhyuk rly understands when wonho is a bit needy and is happy to be there for him… like i said it’s hard for me to coherently put thoughts together about the two of them, i feel like i don’t have as strong of a grasp on their dynamic, but i would love to see more :D

kihyuk – Best!! Fucking!! Friends!! like i know im saying this abt every pairing but i truly feel that these two understand each other on some next level, they could literally share a glance and know what the other one is thinking.. minhyuk could tell kihyun to go fuck himself and kihyun would just laugh his ass off with the brightest happiest eyes like… fdjklsfds the video i just recently reblogged where minhyuk was like “kihyun was so good at acting but i hate so much when he gets into the role i hate him” and kihyuns reaction?? FOR WHY. .. WAS HE SO HAPPY FKDSJLFDS… the most important kihyuk thing to me is really just how well they fundamentally understand each other… with regards to minhyuk understanding kihyun, its actually just funny to me because minhyuk just gets so offended when anyone else tries to say Anything about kihyun because He Wants To Be The One To Talk About His Best Friend.. mxray ep6… everytime that psychoanalyst opened his mouth about kihyun minhyuk immediately butted in he wanted everyone to know that He knew the most he knew it all already.. he felt so relieved whenever the psychoanalyst guy said things he already knew.. minhyuk loves putting his thoughts on kihyun out there jfdkslfds but the more soft and meaningful example would be their second year anniversary video – the way minhyuk explained kihyuns role on the team is genuinely the most heartfelt and well worded explanation i’ve heard… even though it’s rly hard for minhyuk to show it he Knows how much kihyun does and respects and cares for him so much, looks after him silently.. and it’s very much so returned, bc kihyun is the only member who i’ve seen accurately pin down (several times) that minhyuk’s weak point or the thing that he wishes minhyuk would fix is that he overthinks his own performance, he overthinks variety and worries too much in many aspects.. while this is something minhyuk himself is also aware of i’ve never seen the other members bother to mention it but kihyun has talked abt it on several occasions and how he wishes minhyuk could be happier by not worrying so much and i think that shows so much about how well they understand each other and their emotions. it’s fascinating to me how much they’ve changed, they used to be so soft and cute with each other, but it’s grown to the point where they struggle being outwardly nice to each other with cameras around and minhyuk especially is so embarrassed to be honest and nice around kihyun but it works amazingly well between the two of them because kihyun is able to take whatever minhyuk throws at him and either throw it right back or just absorb it and be able to laugh because he Knows minhyuk’s true intentions? i’ve never seen either of them genuinely hurt the other with their sharp words despite all they do is bicker… i lvoe them … :( and kihyun also really just. loves minhyuk? as he is? they literally hang out All THe Time and i’ve said it before as has aleena how.. kihyun keeps on ditching the other members invites to hang out? but minhyuk keeps “complaining” about how kihyun always wants to do things and wherever he goes kihyun is stuck next to him?? they just naturally gravitate towards each other and i cant believe they’re gonna be friends into their next lifetime and that they’re gonna grow up with even their kids being best friends. god im sure i have more to say about them but their friendship is really on another level :-(

hyunghyuk – to be quite honest, a pairing im hesitant to talk about these days, moreso bc it make me uncomfortable the way people talk about them oftentimes? i know that im not one to talk abt them much on my blog but honestly ask any of my friends and they’ll tell u i have the biggest hyunghyuk tunnel vision anymore, like.. im hyperfocused on their interactions.. as an overarching picture, i think their friendship is truly something amazing – they’ve been friends since they were 19, possibly the longest friendship within monsta x, and despite being so very different from each other in so many ways they are able to be so close with such an intimate understanding between the two of them to the point where on one of hyungwons bday messages to minhyuk he said something along the lines of there was nothing more for them to know about each other but that he hopes they continue getting closer and learning more and being good friends.. Strong family vibes :-( while their relationship certainly seems different now than it was a year or two ago, i think that their close bond definitely remains, and i think it’s obvious that they still have massive respect and emotional ties between the two of them… i miss their many close interactions but especially over the past months i feel like they’re returning very much so to the way they used to behave :D

joohyuk – my brain is starting to fry and i think the Joohyuk TED Talk explained most of my feelings pretty well so.. for anyone who didn’t listen here’s the link to that!

changhyuk – my namesake!! :D I LOVE THESE BOYS.. tbh i think i wrote quite a bit about them fairly recently so im not sure if there’s gonna be many new thoughts here but… over the past few months my feelings regarding them have been in a WHIRLWIND i love them so much!! i feel like they’re very similar in so many ways and as such when they’re together they can truly do the craziest things but also have a brotherly bond together? i think i feel similarly to them the way i do about wonhyuk, so, similar to wonhyuk this explanation may not be very coherent or cohesive because it’s hard for me to place everything together. i used to rly think that changhyuk were just like.. fuckin wild.. fuckin out there… because they really do some of the most absurd things fdslfds they really practiced twerking and spanking each other during oi and did it on live stage..  with embarrassed but proud smiles.. they grinded against each other Many times during the most recent ISAC literally acting like they were at a club like.. why in the fuck FJDKLSFDS?? but the more i think about them the less that’s my focus on their relationship, like that’s certainly part of it (a funny and yes enjoyable part) but its so much more than that they are Literally so much like brothers to me and everytime i think of it it honestly brings me to tears because minhyuk really has this fondness and brotherly affection for changkyun that he doesn’t for the other members, and it’s not only apparent through his actions but his words.. but it’s not so much in a way that he views him as a child or anything, but that he just completely respects and trusts changkyun with so much? and he wishes for the same in return from him.. i feel like a lot of people overlook the small details between them, such as minhyuk saying that he goes to changkyun when he’s worried about something or needs to get something off of his chest? that he finds changkyun to be a good listener? and that he loves to lay with changkyun whether it be on their couch or on his bed and listen to changkyun’s stories, everything just throws off such warm and loving vibes and imo it’s Extremely different from minhyuk’s feelings or behaviors towards the other members. the thing that most strongly impacted me and i really cant stop thinking about was from their picnic fanmeeting, there was a vcr where they talked about the members when they weren’t listening and minhyuk very beautifully talked about how it was very obvious to him what changkyun’s emotions were at any moment in time, but changkyun is the type to bottle it up and not want to bother any of the members but how minhyuk wishes he would open it up to them because it’s okay? and he even related it back to his own brother, and how the two of them are the same age, and the entire conversation really just made me realize how much minhyuk views changkyun like his own brother and i :-(( it literally makes me cry.. minhyuk isn’t so much the type to dote on other people, but he does it so much with jooheon but also changkyun and with changkyun it is so much more subtle and often overlooked and it’s a shame! and, one final thing, is that changkyun is SO supportive of minhyuk i feel like he understands a lot of minhyuk’s insecurities (possibly as said above bc i feel like minhyuk opens up to changkyun about these topics a lot?) and openly acts to try to make minhyuk feel more comfortable .. in particular, i’ve been noticing recently how supportive changkyun is about minhyuk’s english which i think could be a point of insecurity for him and seeing changkyun encouraging him to speak in english and helping him and telling him he’s doing well .. small things like that are really good for minhyuk to receive because i feel like since minhyuk tends to come off as a very loud and proud and confident person, it often goes over the members’ heads how much he lives for praise and reassurance as well