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howtohero · 6 years ago

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Uncontrollable Powers

Having superpowers is an awe inspiring thing. When before you were just a scrawny twerp who could lift at most one elephant over his head while breaking four to eighty nine sweats, now you can life at least sixteen elephants over your head while breaking zero to negative three sweats. That’s quite the upgrade. For some people going from zero to one thousand like that can be a bit of a jolt. There’s no shame in that. When Power Jones, the man with one million powers, first unlocked the power to destroy universe he actually destroyed all of existence like fifteen times before he got the hang of it. So the bar on losing control of your powers is set real low. You could destroy all of existence fourteen and a half times and still not be the biggest loser out there. But let’s talk about some of the things you can do when you’ve got a case of (power puking) uncontrollable powers.

Cases of uncontrollable powers usually fall into two categories: Power usage that presents a danger to others, and power usage that presents a danger to oneself. (There’s a secret third category but we’ll deal with that later.)

Danger to Others This is like when you’ve just got so much concussive eye blast inside you that you can’t help but share it with the world. This is like when you sneeze and poison quills shoot out of your back. It’s when you can’t help but leak lava out of all your pores. Or when you turn everything you touch into gold. Until you get a handle on your powers you’re a risk to everyone and everything around you. Which is going to be bad for your morale. So try making yourself a nice happy song playlis- oh you’ve melted the music rectangle. Ok well then maybe you can do some nice relaxing yog- oh you’ve turned the yoga mat into spiders. You’ve turned everything into spiders. Gosh that’s pretty terrifying. Are you ok? Luckily it’s impossible to turn this guide into spiders. And you thought that was a waste of a genie wish, in your face. (That was a waste of a genie wish, we could’ve had a giant llama.) What the heck would we have done with a giant llama? (YOU JUST DON’T GET IT!) You’re darn right I don’t!

Anyway, since your powers are going completely out of control, you can bet your last two pennies that have been fused together and also to your pants because you can’t stop fusing stuff together, that some superhero with a decent grasp on their powers is going to come fight you. Which is horrible I know, I’m sorry. Bad enough that you’re going to be punched a ton, but these super-nerds are also rubbing their mastery of the power to make rocks really big or really small right in your face. Which is really just rubbing salt in your wounds. This might sound like kind of a bum deal but I guarantee you that superheroes laying a smackdown on you is better than any of the alternatives which include:

A supervillain finding you and turning you into a weapon to wield against orphanages or siblings they’ve always been jealous of.

An enthusiastic civilian shooting you in the face for the greater good.

Aliens abducting you and then getting some incredibly off-base ideas about what the average human is.

Destroying the world fifteen times because nobody came and picked you up.

At least when a superhero picks you up they’ll probably come sporting some sleek power-suppressant cuffs and you can finally breathe normally without expelling live wasps from your throat. Sure they’re gonna throw you in a cell afterwards, but they’re superheroes, so it’ll be very comfortable. I was once in a superhero cell for reasons that needn’t be exposed (Karaoke related crimes. You know how it gets at the How To Hero office holiday parties. Last year, our in house exorcist Diego A. Wayghosts brought a haunted chocolate fountain from home for some reason and things got weird.) and it was really quite nice. There was a massage chair! And I think usually they play music but due to my special circumstance there was no music for me. (They started calling him the Karaoke Killer from the way he was just butchering those songs.) But I’m sure you’ll get music. You can finally listen to that happy songs playlist!

Being locked up is obviously not ideal but it’s only until you can explain to the heroes that you’re a baby superhuman and you don’t quite have control of your powers yet. Once you do that they’ll be more than happy to help you. Superheroes are savvy enough to know that once a superhuman becomes active they have a very tiny window to prevent them from becoming a supervillain. (Gosh, remember The Wicked Window Widener? He became a supervillain because he saw a window that he deemed was just too small.) So they’ll let you out of your cell and they’ll get you to where you need to go to harness your powers. That might mean that they’ll keep you around and train you on site, especially if they’ve got a hero on their team with a similar power set as you. Or it could mean sending you over to OPG where they’ve got more experience with this kind of thing.

If your powers are so unstable that it’s not a matter of self-control, OPG might develop some type of equipment to help you keep your powers in check. Whether that means special gloves to prevent you from turning everything you touch into gold. Or reverse engineering the magical properties imbued in this blog thanks to a genie to prevent you from turning everything you touch into spiders. You’ll be well-taken care of.

Danger to Yourself This is type of power incontinence mostly affects mind-readers or people with one or more super-sense. These heroes are more susceptible to sensory overload which can result in terrible migraines or other mental stresses. When this occurs you need to be an advocate for yourself. Which sucks. Making an appointment with a doctor is hard enough. Now you’ve got to call your local superhero’s emergency hotline? That sounds so stressful. That guy saved the world. What has your doctor even done? Saved one life? Two? 40? That’s nothing. What’s even the point of them. What are you even gonna say? Ah I bet you’re gonna mess it up. “Hi hello, is this Ultiman? Five time galaxy saver and three time Emmy nominee? Yes uh, my name is Linda and I have a headache”? That’s terrible! Don’t mention the Emmy thing, he lost three times! Gosh you blew it. Now you have to listen to everybody’s thoughts all the time forever. And everybody has terrible thoughts. Your neighbor Tim has convinced himself that he is “one with the squirrels.” He’d never say it out loud but he thinks it all the dang time. The squirrels don’t even realize you exist Tim! Stop it! You’re embarrassing yourself. But only in your innermost thoughts! Gosh this is terrible you should not be exposing his secret shame gosh.

Hopefully a more experienced mind reader or super-sensor will just stumble upon you, identify the problems you’re struggling with you, and just help you out without you having to figure out how to put “I smell everything that’s ever happened in the entire world” into a coherent sentence. People who can identify your problems are really the only people who can help you, so if you’re going through this, try stumbling towards the regular psychic hangouts in your town. Any restaurants, bars, or supermarkets labeled “silent spaces” are definitely rife with psychics. As is the psychic fish aquarium. Which is a huge waste of space since it is home to exactly one fish who yes, can probably help you, but come on. It’s a fish. These people will be able to help you deal with the sensory overload by teaching you to focus on specific things. Just stick with them and they’ll take care of you. Alternatively, you can try to purchase power-suppressant cuffs on the blackmarket, but that’s a great way to fall into a supervillain’s crosshairs. Supervillains are always on the market for mind readers and the like. So they definitely will kidnap you and figure out how to use you to read the minds of their enemies and their stupid older sister who’s like a lawyer or something but who definitely has deep dark embarrassing fears and secrets that an out of control mind reader like you can definitely glean from their stupid lawyer brains.

And so there you have it, the two categories of uncontrollable powers. I guess the lesson here is that it takes a village to control a superpower. So if you’ve recently acquired superpowers, don’t hesitate to reach out to your local superheroes for help getting them under control. That’s all for today folks, be good to one another. And Tim, you go on believing whatever you want brother. I’m sure the squirrels think they’re one with you too. See you on Thursday!

(Bonus: Danger to No One These are the uncontrollable powers that aren’t hurting anyone! Like the power to always smell good. Or that power the OPG calls “Always Thinking: Always Thinking is the power to always have an objectively good idea. Subjects are constantly coming up with good ideas for all sorts of things. Ideas that have been observed have ranged from delicious sorbet recipes to workable plans for wide-scale nuclear disarmament. The ideas seem to have no correlation to whatever is going on at the moment but they’re always objectively good. For example, even Grumpy Gernard from IT liked the sorbet we made from that sorbet recipe. And Grumpy Gernard hates sorbet. Remember when Jan brought in IT he said he’d rather eat cat poo than even look at it. She cried. It was rough. But he liked this sorbet! Thus is the power of Always Thinking. Combat Potential: It is likely that subjects with this power will come up with dozens of brilliant battle strategies that they can enact as needed.” These powers will either just have no effect on your life, such as the power to always have hair. Or will make your life much better, such as the power to always have a giant llama following you around. Imagine all the glorious things you could accomplish if you had a giant llama always following you around that you could never make disappear. You’d be king of the world with that much llama power. If only it had been me at the garage sale. I could’ve found that genie lamp. I could’ve had a giant llama. Curses!)

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you-are-worth-the-wait · 4 years ago

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This is super long or at least I feel it is...

I kinda wonder how I’d do on that show. The part of me that likes to watch people sing would be that person who nods their head along and watches the other contestants sing so I could possibly miss my turn. Then there’s the paranoid side of me that would be totally focused on the screen too since I know I have to watch for when it’s my turn. Then the part of me that doesn’t want to lose will be so obsessed in making sure I don’t sing when it’s the other persons turn so I don’t give them points. I wonder if your mic automatically cuts off when it’s not your turn. If so, that would eliminate that one aspect of my mind game. I still can’t tell if being “good” is a good thing or not. I’ve only watched the first episode but it’s like having a target on you if you are too good. Compared to the singers, I think I’m in the middle to low so I think I’d rank 4-5/6. I don’t think I’d be the worst. I think my top potential would be 3/6. Not the top 2 spots. I almost feel like if I can’t reach a bit or even know the words for that matter I’ll just hum or vocalize a sound to at least match the pitch. I’ve only played rockband a handful of times doing the vocals. I also have sung on those karaoke mics where they give you a score. Their algorithm needs to be fixed...lol. Cuz people I think who sing well sometimes score lower than people who don’t. So usually turn off the score function so people don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed by a score when they are purely singing for the joy of it. People shrug off and down play a low score but for a moment I know it prolly does put them down or embarrasses them for a moment or two.

I don’t think there’s ever been a competition between us as to who can sing better. I really do like your voice and, if anything, I’m more so pushed competitively to compliment your voice and like to sing duets and harmonies with duets. Ohhh...duets...cruising. I remember us singing that for fun and the second time around really just looking at the words and being like, “huh. Damn. That’s some crazy word play there. Innocent nice song my ass.” Haha. I think the thing I would like to do is sing more songs with you or just listen to songs together that have two people/harmonies that are cute, sweet, or themes of love, and just be able to connect with you/each other with them. Like all the Mraz songs I know, I think about/sing for you. His collaboration with other artist are just as powerful that I do want to share/sing those songs with you. Bryan Adams, always loved his songs, had deeper meaning when associated with you. If we ever go out to karaoke, I’d love to be able to sing random songs with you and for people to know/feel that we have a connection when we sing together as compared to if someone asked either one of us to accompany them to sing a song. Like, I remember there was a girl who liked me and her way of trying to connect with me was during karaoke, she’d ask me if I knew whatever song and if I did, she’d ask if I wanted/could sing it with her. I still don’t really like to sing at karaoke but I kinda knew where she was going with it so I reluctantly agreed. So I could see how she enjoyed being able to sing with me whatever song she picked out and then there were times when the song she chose did appear and no one knew who picked it, she didn’t respond fast enough, or someone who had the mic liked the song and took over in singing it and I could see how bummed out she was about that. Where I ended up singing with someone else or I didn’t sing the song either since she wasn’t able to sing it.

It was weird. I did have confidence in myself and in my voice before I got hurt because even though I didn’t brag or show it off often, I knew I could hold my own against most average singers. So really, only family, close friends, or my group of friends know that I can sing. And like I said, the girls/women I’ve been with, including you, prolly only 5 know I can sing? I always used to joke around that if I wanted to get a girl to like me, I’d just take them to a karaoke type setting or one of those get-up-on-stage and sing situations and once I sang or people realized I had a voice, instant panty dropper...lol. I was so shy and guarded about my voice that I once said that the only way I’d ever sing in front of anyone was if I was in another state cuz I couldn’t come to terms with the running the risk that someone would hear my voice and make a big deal out of it. I think it may have stemmed from random family functions with guest when my dad and/or mom pressured me to sign in front of people when i didn’t want to or it wasn’t even a planned thing, I clearly have no experience with stage presence, and I have such anxiety when the focus of attention. Them doing that to me made me retreat and hide my myself/voice even more. I didn’t want to be put in that situation. It happened one too many times that I think I just got really turned off about it. You see how big a part music plays in my life and I do enjoy singing. I guess I’m willing to share it only when I feel I’m comfortable enough to. Otherwise, I’m okay with people not necessarily knowing. It’s a secret and a hidden talent. Like the second part of my first name :)

Like I said, I really like your voice. People don’t necessarily need to be powerhouse singers to be great singers. And sometimes just the joy, love, and passion of singing can trump the fact that you don’t have a great voice. That’s why I enjoy watching people sing at karaoke. I could prolly sing for 5 hours straight by myself in a room or with you or with my brother and cousins. Even with family/relatives. But with relatives it’s because a lot of people like to sing too so it works out perfectly for me where I sing maybe 1 song out of every 10-12. I used to sing more when I voice was decent but not I’m extremely self conscious about the fact that I can’t sing as well anymore. That’s prolly another reason why I don’t sing as much. But like my brother and I rationalize, if you sing in the right key and play to your strengths, you can be on par with decent singers as well. So I think that’s prolly like you and me. But then again, maybe we are tougher critics on ourselves. But I see when you sing you do enjoy singing. I see that you do try and want to sound well and aren’t afraid to just sing for the pure fun of it. Even when that high part came and you just “nooope” out of it...lol. I admire and like that about you which is why I do enjoy you and your singing voice. You have a nice voice and with the right songs and moments, you do it kill it, and you sound amazing. That’s why I sooo want to be able to listen to/sing songs with you. I’m intrigued by the prospect of what we can pull off. You seriously would fit right in with my family if/when we would ever do karaoke :)

Ha...my shoes. Yeah...I guess you did have a problem with my white-not white anymore shoes...*ws* I don’t know. It was still functional and the grip was the most important thing. Now if my toes started sticking out of them, then that’s a problem. But if they grip well and are able to serve its purpose, technically, they are still “good”, right? Except for the color. I don’t know. I guess it’s because I’ve been raised or have the mentality that I don’t/shouldn’t pay more for something when there is something with equal quality or serves the same purpose at a more reasonable price? Like with basketball, I was still buying my basketball shoes from Ross, discount stores, or if I went to Nike, I couldn’t see myself spending more than $25 for basketball shoes, and I wore them out till the show literally fell apart on me. Or when I ran marathons. They say to change your shoe every, I don’t know how many miles. But it technically would last 6-9 months, a year at the most. I trained and ran marathons in the same shoe 2-3 years in a row cuz the shoe I bought was like $150. I was sick when we paid for it. My dad was insistent that I buy quality shoes. There were even shoes for $250-300-350 and I was just getting sick looking at those prices. I immediately looked at their sales and clearance ones. I think $99-129 were the lower end prices. The first marathon I ran I prolly bought running shoes from Nike for less than $50. It wasn’t till my dad decided to run it with me too that he decided to get real running shoes and brought me along to but quality ones for me as well. So yeah. Marathon shoes and basketball shoes are now the only shoes I can justify paying more for quality.

Nurse salary. Ha. I know I told you that my “splurge” with my first paycheck was going to be ordering a “meal” from the preset meals from a fast food place. Chick fil a doesn’t count nor does in and out or raising canes since they don’t have value meals. Like you can get items from the value meals to create a complete meal. That was my speciality. It was crazy that at one point for the longest time I could quote the value meal/$1 menu items from most fast food places since that’s what I ordered from. I finally ordered something off the meal menu about 3 months ago. It was a sourdough jack meal from jack in the box, upgrade to large size, and substitute for seasoned curly fries. And I only got it because my brother agreed to share the meal with me...lol. So yeah. It was pretty momentous :P

What? Watch the second hangover with mike Tyson. Di-djew di-djew di-djew di-djew di-di-djew...ad lib for finishinf effect...then sing with feeling, “I can feel it coming in the air tonight.” :P I don’t know about the rest of that song but that’s all you wait for. You wait so long for it and the anticipation just builds since the song is so dang slow. But when it finally comes you just let all the build up rush out in that 3 second interval...lol. Classic.

I wouldn’t say it was his velvety voice but he does have a good voice. What I liked was that he held out the notes. Other people cut the words/notes short so it didn’t have that singy/songy flow and transition that I feel that song should have. It’s like a song where you sway from side to side. Other versions, you don’t sway from side to side as much. With Barry, you reeeally sway from side to side and it’s a smoother type of sway where your body starts to sway back and your head needs to catch up since it’s still caught up in the position from the original sway but it’s time to sway to the other side like your body is doing the swaying and your neck and head are just along for the ride :P haha...how many versions did we listen to? Like 3-4-5? :)

Of course I’d want to spend time with you Love. Come on. It’s Christmas. How could I not not? Not that I need an excuse to be around you but yeah, it was totally worth it and I would do it all over again. I think the only thing that could have made it better was the situation, obviously, in where I didn’t have to look at the clock. That way we could have done whatever at our leisure. Like if we wanted to make hot cocoa and enjoy that during the movie and not have to worry about the time. I always felt that I was gambling on how many more minutes could I milk with you before I had to leave. Those were so difficult. The “goodbyes”.

I know what you mean. Thanksgiving came and went and it didn’t really feel like it to me. Like I said, it didn’t really register in my head it was thanksgiving until the week of. It’s still difficult to wrap my head around the fact that it’s December and it’s almost Christmas. Truth...I saw this holiday season being waaay different than what it currently is for you and me. I know. I’m a dreamer. A part of me still keeps saying, “but it’s not here yet. It’s not time yet. Things can still happen.” And I’ve thought that with every moment, holiday, or time table I’ve given myself. I guess you only fall as hard when you dream as big. But I understand. I do feel hollow. My body is in the moment but my heart, spirit, and mind is consumed with the alternate reality of being with you. Wondering what you are doing vs what we could be doing. I’m not so sure what kind of meaning you’ll be able to formulate, understand, or reinvent somehow. I think we both have different approaches in how to make sense of it and just survive the actual holiday. I don’t know how it is for you since you have him and your family/life there. I guess you are “reinventing” the holiday to give it some kind of meaning for you. For me, it’s kind of just trying to survive it in the sense that I think I’ll have that “so alone in a room full of people” overacting sort of emotion. I know people will ask me about you and/or about someone in my life and I’ll have to side step or joke about if they know anyone then let me know. Or I will be present and look at everything around me and my mind will drift off to what you would be saying/doing/reacting to everything. People will smile and talk stories as usual and I’ll prolly just listen from afar. And at some point the reality will sink in and I know that I’ll go through the thoughts of “honestly being alone”. And I’m going to struggle with my thoughts/feelings. They will go up and down like they already do. My resolve for you/us will never feel stronger nor weaker in any given moment. And even though time does feel irrelevant, the only constant is that it keeps moving forward and that’s something I have no control over.

I think it’s safe to say that most anything we do together, it will be fun or we’ll end up making it fun somehow. But yeah, holiday pop up bars would totally be a thing you and I do. Honestly, I feel there’s just so much you and I can do and experience. What gets to me though is I don’t know why I feel like I don’t have enough/the time to do whatevers with you. The only reason I’m aware of time/dates is because of the stock market. Other than that, days just go by and next thing I know, time has passed, I feel I haven’t accomplished much, and I feel like I just lost time. It’s not really something that used to get to me but now I’m more aware of my mortality. Every time my heart has that irregular beat, every time I feel my knee twist or I feel a pain, every time I almost get into an accident. They recently shut down the freeway due to an accident and I got rerouted 30min out of my usual commute time and the first thing I thought about was you and then the second calming thought that it couldn’t be you since you’d have no reason to be on this side of town.

I think about even though my knee is messed up and ice skating could do some serious damage if I feel wrong, I still wanted so much to be able to make it and take advantage of the hot cocoa they were giving out with the package that we bought. I’d love to share that experience with you and it does bother me a little that that’s something I haven’t been able to do with you. Even though we’ve done a lot together, I feel we could do so much more.

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