#steve rigers angst

[imaginedreamwrite]

Breach Of Contract: Part 9

A/N: Peggy Carter bashing as usual

You felt anxious before the plane had even touched down. It started with your palms sweating and your heart racing, the steady uptick in beating had been a synonymous symptom of your changing emotional well-being.

Senator Rogers had departed your side a half hour ago, leaving you to get a briefing of the events that would take place the first night you arrived.

He had left for the back of the plane to make a few adjustments to his wardrobe and his physical appearance. In his absence, you were welcome to fall into a pit of anxiety and restlessness, the debilitating awareness that you were going to face the media as both his intern and as some specimen, they wanted to shove under a microscope.

You knew, full well, that the connection between you and Steve had been noted by both likely supporters and opposition.

You knew full well that comments were comparing the kind of chemistry you two had, versus the kind of blasé and underwhelming bond that tied Steve and Peggy together. The evidence of support or animosity had already been noticed through different socials and handles on the vast internet.

However now you were going to have to face it head-on.

Pepper had made you aware of the media circus, of the absolute hell and chaos that would ensue once Senator Rogers touched the ground. It was only natural given the attacks that the other party was trying to unleash on him in order to dissuade the public from voting for the necessary parties to vote him in. It was rather nasty, from what you had already seen and it was only going to act as gasoline for this insane and innate fire that would be all-consuming.

Once he set foot on the tarmac, the press tour started. There would be no shortage of events that would aid Senator Roger’s message for unity in the country, and the need to help each other out rather than turning our backs on each other.

The start of the press tour on the west coast would start the moment he stepped off the plane and the docket had started to take place with the first flash of a camera. Senator Rogers was ready, he was prepared with a level head and an assurance that he could and would handle whatever was thrown his way.

“I hope you’re ready.” Chase had given you a forewarning as the process to off-board was starting. “We’re coming behind him and immediately going to the hotel.”

You reached for the bag you’d packed, one of the carry-ons with little inside other than a quick change of clothes and a few books, hesitating when you felt hands grazing your own. Given the last chance to give you a pep talk, Steve lifted the bag from the overhead compartment for you and set it on the floor.

Inhaling slowly, you focused on the scent of his cologne and the tinge of spice that made you want to turn into him for comfort. He was strong and broad-shouldered but he carried so much warmth with him, warmth that you wanted to surround yourself.

“Take a deep breath, don’t let them get in your head.” He whispered, he whispered gently as if the roles were reversed and you were the one who was going to be facing the onslaught of the media circus.

“I’m scared.” You replied with a mumble, unable to turn and face him, at least not while the doors were prepared to be opened.

“Fear is not a weakness.” Steve had pulled away when it was time for him to settle into his role, and after he stepped away you looked over your shoulder and locked eyes with him. It was only a moment, it was barely half a minute before he had to turn away but it was enough.

And then the door opened, a powerful vortex of questions and the steady click of cameras had come rushing to your ears before he had even stepped out. He had upped out of your line of sight although you could easily detect the cacophonous drone from the tarmac.

“We have to go, we have to face it.” Val and Sasha both stepped by your seat, the latter helping you pick up your bag and the files you’d been scouring over. “We’re right here with you.”

The buzz that you heard on the plane was tepid compared to being on the tarmac with a line of press, different media cycles and online avenues for gossip and information vying to get his attention. It was as if you were in a wind tunnel, being accosted by the piercing noise that hit your ears with an unseemly tangency that made you grit your teeth.

“Senator Rogers reaches the LAX airport with his team in tow-“

“Senator Rogers is starting the tour here on the west coast and is said to be attending a few ceremonies-“

“The excitement for the senator to arrive has boiled over and quite a crowd has been drawn. Now I’ve been told-“

You could remain ignorant to the questions as Steve had stopped by a few press junkets as the start of his tour commenced. However, when you started hearing questions fired off at you, you were not as poised and collected as the Senator.

“Y/N! Y/N do you have any responses to the fans and supporters of Madame Carter who have accused you of interfering in their marriage?” A reporter for a popular online gossip outlet had raised their voice to garner your attention, and immediately you were thrown off guard.

You were a deer in headlights, eyes wide and tongue-tied. Your mind was not cooperating with your vocal cords or your motor skills, you couldn’t move or respond in any possible facet. Rather, you were stuck where you stood with your fingers tapping on the inside of your hands.

And when you finally could speak, when you finally found yourself able to produce a sound, it came out as a stuttering and weak response.

“I’m…I don’t-“ you were steered away, set into the protective side of Chase and Val.

“Ignore them. Keep your head down and move. Act normal.” Chase squeezed your hand and led you off to the vehicles waiting for the support team. He opened the door and watched you slide into the back beside Val before he joined you, the other vehicle held out for Pepper, Sasha and Steve.

“This is madness. It’s chaos-” you rest your head in your hands, your eyes closing for a single moment to gather your thoughts.

You weren’t prepared for this, even with all the warning and prep you’d been doing it wasn’t expected. This was your first real, true job as a PR intern for a major political campaign, and maybe it was your naivety that made you ignorant, but you didn’t know it would be like this.

“The first day and I feel like I’ve been dumped into the Arctic Ocean.” You lowered your hands, watching aimlessly as Senator Rogers approached the lead vehicle and took a pause to wave once more at the crowds.

“We have the night off. Sasha, Pepper & the Senator are going to do a kickoff press conference, so…” Chase leaned in and nudged your arm with his. “Come to my hotel room, we’ll order food and watch B-rated movies.”

“As long as you promise not to start sexting your boyfriend. The last time you invited us over, we got a deeply personal insight into your sex life, and we didn’t want it.” Val leaned forward and directed her attention to Chase, the two of them continuing their ease back and forth until the driver started taking off from the airport.

As the vehicle moved, you leaned back against the seat and angled your head, staring out the window at the masses of people or reporters who were still recording or taking pictures of the envoy.

It was endless or seemed to be and you wondered, at any point, if you would be on the receiving end of Madame Carter’s hatred in person.

“The press tour started eventfully,” the fabricated crooning which once had brought him to his knees had now been a nail upon glass to his ears, “are you enjoying playing with your intern?”

“Peggy quit.” Steve drew out his annoyance with a sharp hiss when his wife’s comments, through a picture-perfect screen, had come across as hypocritical at best. “We’re not doing this.”

“Not doing what, Steve? You’re not screwing around with a younger woman while your wife is doing charity work?” Peggy leaned forward tucking her hand under her chin, her long deep brown hair was pinned to the top of her head in a style that was as calculated as she was.

Peggy was unbothered by the weight of her affairs, by the notion that while Steve wanted to change the world for the better she wanted to acquire an endless stream of power and money for herself.

It was a reality that was more of a nightmare, the idea that she could have used Steve so easily and not found fault in the irony that she was committing physical adultery. Steve, in comparison, felt like he was genuinely falling in love with someone incredible.

“Where’s he hiding? Where do you have him this time? The closet?” Steve blew out the accusation with animosity, and disgust hanging off every syllable until his mouth was coated with bitterness.

“I have no idea who you’re talking about,” Peggy’s lips were drawn back into a smirk, a slow-building quirk riddled with heinousness, “I should remind you…”

His heart sank and his hands were balled into tight fists by his side.

He didn’t need to know what toxic spewing ire she would fire off at him to know that it was another tactic for control. Steve knew that she and her family, who had promised so much for the man who wanted to be a great politician and make a difference, were trying to tighten the strings and spin this discourse between the two of them into a positive light.

“It’s in your little whore’s contract that if she fucks anyone in her circle she’ll be fired.” It felt like a victory for her, Steve could see it written clearly.

Every shadow and highlight on her aesthetically pleasing face, her natural beauty and charisma that charmed more than just him, was now twisted.

Every facet of her that he once loved was tainted and obliterated by this poisonous facet that made him hate her. It was despicable, it was beyond what he thought he could handle. Peggy Carter and Pierce’s were fucking with what little glimmer of happiness he could have.

“Make sure you’re a good boy, Steve. Don’t put your dick in anything that could get you into trouble.”The irony, cruel and twisted, befell him.

He was finding happiness but couldn’t step over the line they drew in the sand. It was a method of torture to keep him in their distinctive clutch, and Steve was caught between letting himself chase the glimmer of hope and squandering it all.

“I wanted to change the world, Peggy. I wanted to do good and be good. I wanted a loving wife and kids to come home to, I wanted the American dream and you-”

“I told you to fuck her, didn’t I?” Steve’s heart sank, the acid in his stomach churning as he rendered himself stuck on this terrorizing notion that if he chased you, physically seeking you, you would be ruined. “Guess you better keep your dick clean.”

He wanted to call her a bitch, he wanted to call her a hypocritical whore for this cage she was forcing him into. Steve wanted to rip into her, endlessly tearing her in two through the screen, and yet all he could do was stare at this vile poisonous snake.

She was fucking every intern she had and dangling up above him like a carrot in front of a horse.

Peggy Carter was holding everything from him.

“I’m not letting you go, Steve. I still need you and you need me, my family, to get what you want. Who knows…maybe when I become the First Lady I’ll give you the whore as a gift. You could keep her locked under the Oval Office to suck dick for all I care-”

Steve closed the screen with a snap, using enough force to crack the screen. He stood violently and reacted in anger, swiping everything from the desk to the floor. Bile was crawling up his throat, stinging his esophageal system from the inside. His heart was thrashing violently as he continued the destruction, seeking an outlet for himself.

And as he finished, as he had spent all the anger he had, Steve slowly slid down the wall nearest the window. He drew his knees up to his chest and hid his face in his hands, slowly exhaling.

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[thoughtsofdarc]

My Latest Mission... Pt.8

Reader (Y/N), Steve, Tony. Warnings: language. Being a Hydra asset. Angst. Words: 2675

Part 1… - Part 2… - Part 3… - Part 4… - Part 5… - Part 6… - Part 7...

I'm sitting here in my room... My room... I actually have my own room now, with a bed, a desk and a chair. I don't have a lot of personal stuff, but it really doesn't matter because it is MY room!

 A female agent and Steve took me out shopping one day, to get me some clothes. Best and worst experience I've ever had.

There are so many stores with different kinds of clothes now.

Back in the day, Ma' was the one who sewed all my clothes, which was mostly dresses because 'girls wear dresses and boys wear trousers' as she put it. She really wanted me to be a girly-girl, which was a bit difficult when I always hung around the boys. 

When I was at HYDRA, they gave me clothes. Clothes fit for fighting, not fashion.

But there I was, in one store after another, trying on clothes that I had to choose for myself.

In the end I came home with a lot of jeans and t-shirts. A few sweatpants and some hoodies. 

Maybe one day I'll adventure into something else, but for now jeans and t-shirts feels safe and still gives me room to move.

 Steve has drawn a picture for me to put on my wall.

I didn't know he still did that... Drawings I mean. 

I've always loved his artwork, so the day he came to my room with it, neatly wrapped as a present it almost felt like the old days.

It's a picture of me, him and Bucky, smiling and hanging out like we used to do. 

 But that's not the reality now, Bucky doesn't really speak to me... Not unless he has too. And it hurts me more than HYDRA ever has. I'm not sure why he's angry at me, but he is.

Steve has tried to mend things, he wants his two best friends to be like before... But something has changed. 

He asks me to give Bucky time, to let him work out his issues and come to me when he is ready.

A part of me is afraid that it will never happen though.

 The room is cozy, the bed is soft and warm. The big windows give me a perfect view over the city.

The same city that I felt was gray and boring before, has suddenly gotten a glow I didn't know it had. It changed right in front of me eyes as the weeks have gone by... But then again, so have I.

 I'm not the old y/n... I'll never be her again. I've done things that will never allow me to be that pure, innocent girl I once was.

But I have found some sort of peace now. I can't explain it, because I'm still very much on guard all the time. A part of me believes that being reunited with Steve is too good to be true and that HYDRA agents will bust down the doors any second, to take me back. But at the same time, I can't remember the last time I've been so calm, and it's nice... It's nice to find some peace in the inner chaos my mind holds.

 I spend a lot of time in my room. I don't really speak to the rest of them besides Steve and sometimes Tony. 

They are all very kind and are really trying to let me be a part of them. But I can feel that there's some hesitation from the group, and I don't want to push my luck by forcing myself into their circle.

 I don't blame them... How can I?

I walk into their home directly from the main compound of HYDRA, with a bag full of weapons, very similar dressed as Bucky when he was the brainwashed Winter Soldier, having a file on them telling me a whole bunch of personal stuff.

I would be fucking hesitant too, to invite such an individual into my personal space.

 I do however frequent the gym... Almost every day. It's good to work out, use my muscles and get my heart pumping without it being caused by adrenaline of a fight.

 Most of the time I work out by myself, but a few times Natasha has spared with me. She's really trying to accept me, and training together is apparently her way of letting her guards down. It's not easy for her though, and I accept the small baby steps we take.

 I've managed to impress Clint with my knowledge of the use of a bow and arrows. I'm no match to his skills in any way, but I still do give him some competition.

He's a bit easier to talk to, but not the chattiest guy I've ever met. 

I like him though, he's kind and he really cares for his friends... Even if he hides it behind a facade of jokes and sarcasm.

I'm still getting used to that part... But I do like him.

 Tony, Steve and Bruce has done their best to explain to everyone, that there's absolutely no sign of me still being brainwashed or wanting to harm anyone. 

On the contrary, I've been to good use in the fight against HYDRA... Several outposts have been shot down, some high powered people have been exposed, and several departments of everyday businesses have been called out as being HYDRA covers.

So all in all, my info has done good!

 The more I show the people around me, that I'm on their side, the more they accept me being there.

Except Bucky... The more I show him that I'm me, the old me, the more he retreats.

 I walk over to the big windows and look down. The sun is on its travel of the day, hanging low in the afternoon skies. Spreading a warm glow over the city.

I watch as a car leaves out the gates, and I watch the guard, Brett, walk back into the little house he has to keep him sheltered from the sun, rain or whatever the days bring.

 I still feel bad about knocking him out the day I arrived, but it was necessary. I just can't tell him that.

  "Come on Tony! You got to take me to him. I need to apologize, I mean, I knocked him out for fuck sake. And I'm pretty sure, if I just walk down to the guard house and try to speak to him, he's going to tazor me or maybe even shoot me!" I'm looking at Tony with my best impression of puppy dog eyes I can muster. Convincing Tony to escort me to the guard's shelter at the main gate is apparently not as easy as I hoped it would be.

 "Y/N... It's not that big of a deal. He has probably already forgotten what happened, its weeks ago now. Just forget it" he really doesn't seem like he wants to take me down to Brett to apologize. Shit, how do I convince him to do it? "Tony..." I whisper, my voice shaking as my eyes start to water up "... Please! It's a big deal for me. I want him to know, that I'm not really that kind of person. It's not me... not anymore. Please... I don't like to beg, but I am... I'm begging you right now. I need to do this, I need to apologize to Brett".

A single tear fall down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. I don't want to look weak, but if it helps talking Tony into taking me down there, then so be it.

 He is leaning up against the kitchen counter, arms crossed before his chest as he looks at me with furrowed brows. Looks like I'm not fooling the mighty Iron Man... Dammit. I sigh, and turn around to go to my room again. "Never mind" I mumble as I walk away.

 "Is it really that important to you?" He asks. I turn around to look at him, he hasn't changed his stance. His body language still closed off and his eyes scans me thoroughly.  

"Yes! Yes, it is... I need to show him I'm not a monster!" my eyes widen in hope "Please take me to see him, Tony" He lets his arms fall and push himself off the counter as he sighs dramatically, typical Tony move I've come to learn. But it also means he's given in.

 "Okay Winter Princess, let's go!" he walks towards the elevator and motions for me to follow. "Yes!" I squeal and makes a little jump before I follow him, which makes him chuckle.

 In the elevator ride down to ground level I can't help but to ask "Why do you always use nicknames for us all? I mean... Winter Princess, Capsicle, Legolas and you keep insisting of calling Bucky for Winter Soldier, even though you know he doesn't like to be reminded. I mean, are you that old Tony? So you can't remember our true names?" my one eyebrow is raised and a playful smirk is on my lips. "Should I call you Grandpa Tony?" "Now, now Princess... you are older than me, you know it and I know it, so don't even start!" He gives me one of his famous Stark smiles and I can't help but to giggle.

He makes it so easy to be around him, that I sometimes forget all that has let up to this, to why I'm here. Yeah, Tony has certainly become one of the few people, which can give me a truthful smile on my lips.

"Whatever, Gramps".

"Brandon! My friend! How are you? Good? Good! Listen pal, Y/N really wants to talk to you... to apologize you know. So be a good man and listen to her, I'm getting real tired of hearing her whine about what she did" Tony talks loud and fast, not letting Brett correct him when he called him by the wrong name.

I roll my eyes at Tony, when he talks and pushes me inside the little guard's house. "I'll let the cars in, if someone comes to visit. Now you two just talk it out, and I'll wait right here" he gives me a last shove in to the little room, and closes the door behind him. I can't tell if it's because he wants to give us some privacy, if it's because he is kind of embarrassed of my request to see Brett, or if it is just a typical Tony move, but now here I am... Face to Face with the man I knocked out some time back, to get into the Stark tower. Brett looks a little bewildered as the door closes and calls out "Mr. Stark!" but he gives up and sits back into the chair, looking like he really does not want to be here with me... I can't blame him. "Oh... ehm... I'm sorry, I didn't roll my eyes at you!" I stammer, shifting on my feet "And... I'm sorry he called you Brandon. He's not really good with names". Looking out the window, I see Tony has walked a bit away from the entrance, looking down to his phone, his attention not even close to the gates. So much for him letting cars in. Brett clears his throat and I look at him again, fidgeting nervously with my hands and takes a step towards him. He stiffens and leans back a bit, but visible enough for me to see. He is really not comfortable with me being here. "I'm sorry!" I put up my hands and takes a step back again, bumping in to the little narrow table in front of the window.

"Look, I asked Stark to take me down here to talk to you. I really want to apologize..." as I talk, I slide a bit to the left, so I'm standing in the corner of the little shelter, and looks out to Tony again.

"...He said it didn't matter anymore, that you already knew that I did it because I was desperate... "

I look to Brett and search his eyes, holding his gaze as I continue

"I was desperate, I really was, but I shouldn't have knocked you out like that. I'm truly, truly sorry, and I cannot even begin give you a prober explanation, because, nothing excuses what I did. I'm just... I'm so sorry! I'm not that person anymore... I'm really not!"

 My eyes is locked with his as I keep talking, keep apologizing. I am sorry for what I did, knocking him out and all, but this apology is getting out of hand, I'm just blabbering words to keep him distracted from what I am really doing. My right hand is resting on the table beside me, but my left hand is searching under the table in the corner. I can feel my pulse is rising, as I'm not finding what I'm searching for. I get worried that they might have found it. Was that why Tony was so hesitant to take me down here? did he draw it out, to see how desperate I would get to make him take me? But luckily, as my words starts to dry out, my fingers finally finds what they are searching for, and I almost sigh out loud in relief. I quickly pull it off from under the table and tuck it into the waistline of my pants on the back, as I gaze out the window to see that Tony is still on his phone, now talking to someone, with his back to us. "So... yeah, I'm just... I just... Really wanted to say I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me some day" my eyes fall to the floor and study my feet, looking a bit sad. "Hey man. It's okay!" Brett stands up, but doesn't move "I mean, no, it's not okay that you come here and knock people out. But I've talked to both Steve and Tony about this. They told me why you had to get into the Tower, and to be honest, I wouldn't have believed you if you had just told me the truth. So... I guess you are forgiven. A friend of the Captain is a friend of us all, right?"

He gives me a little smile that doesn't reach his eyes, because they are still filled with a sign of fear.

I guess being a former HYDRA asset really doesn't evoke the most trustworthy feelings with people.

 "But I'm really glad you came all the way down here, to apologize in person. It shows a lot of gut" Brett holds out his hand for me to shake and I do so.

He might not trust me completely, but at least I made peace with what I did to him. And a friendly smile is on both our faces, as he opens the door like a gentleman and shows me out to where Tony is waiting. "So, Princess? Brian? Did you kiss and make up?" Tony walks towards us when he hears the door opens and I look up to Brett, a bit of amusement in my eyes. "Yes Tony... BRETT and I talked, and I got to apologize properly. Thank you for taking me down here, it means a lot". "Good, then let's go back! Pepper just called, she's landing with the copper in 5 minutes and I want to be there to greet her!" He proclaims with big arm movements "And Brad, Good job doing... what you are doing. Keep it up!" Tony waves his hand towards the gate and yet again, I can't help but to roll my eyes at him. Which makes Brett laugh a bit, as he says thank you to his mentally absent boss. I give him a little wave goodbye as Tony and I walk back towards the tower. A smile is spreading on my lips, not only because I apologized to Brett, but because of the little USB memory stick that is now safely tucked into my pants.

Part 9...

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