#steph heard 'cass in a bathing suit' and

[hows-a-robin-like-a-writing-desk]

If you don't think that Stephanie Brown promised Babs to teach Cassandra Cain how to swim, and then remembered she didn't know how to swim and called Tim demanding swimming lessons at 3 am, then idk what to say other then you're very wrong

[codenamed-queenie]

Bruce sat up in bed so quickly he almost hit the ceiling.

“Alfred! Alfred!” he called to the hallway. “What day is it?”

“I think you know, Master Bruce,” came the soft, fearful reply. 

In the distance, he heard a booming explosion. Dick was screaming. Timothy was laughing manically. Stephanie was cursing profusely as Damian shrieked. Jason was silent...and that in itself was perhaps the most concerning of all...

A Complete List of the Batkids’ Pranks, April 2019

Itching Powder in clothing. 

Everyone’s clothing. 

But Especially Tim’s.

Stephanie replaced every light bulb in the house with black lights.

Because Babs and Cass painted everything with glow-in-the-dark paint.

And I do mean everything. 

It took Alfred and Bruce three hours to re-replace the bulbs, but it was a glorious three hours. 

Especially when the boys brought in the laser tag guns.

Damian purchased no less than seven (7) plastic owls and hid them all over the house. 

(Bruce hates owls. And so does Dick)

Cue frantic screaming whenever they stumbled upon one.

Bruce almost wrecked the Batmobile when he saw one in the rear-view mirror.

Cass put glitter on all the ceiling fans. 

Stephanie--her partner in crime--complained about feeling overheated until some poor fool flipped the switch. 

There is a photograph circulating on social media of a Very P.O.’d Bruce Wayne covered in enough pink and purple glitter to make him resemble something from the set of a Lady Gaga music video. 

Jason hid lemons all over the manor. 

In beds. In random appliances. In the vents. In the dishwasher. In the bathtub. Inside shoes. Everywhere.

For months, the manor will smell like rotting lemons until all of them have been found. 

No one knows how many there actually are. 

(But its 847. Let’s just say that Roy knows a guy.)

He also put a packet of red paint in every shower head in the house. 

Tim came out looking like a tomato. 

Damian caught on faster, and got out in time. 

But he still came out looking like he’d survived a bloody battle. 

“D-Damian? Son? W-what...happened?”

“It was a blood bath, Father.”

“Whose blood is--?”

Damian looked disinterestedly down at his stained arm. “Todd’s, most likely.”

“Most likely?” 

Bruce fainted. He was out for a few hours. 

Jason also put hair dye in the shampoo. 

So, at least for the foreseeable future, Tim Drake is now a blond. 

Stephanie escaped relatively unscathed--for obvious reasons.

Dick replaced all the glue in the house with candy. 

No one really caught on for a few weeks.

But Damian had a school project due the next morning, and couldn’t for the life of him understand why the oddly-colored glue stick wasn’t working on his Civil War poster. 

Tim hacked the Batcomputer, and changed the language to ‘Pig Latin’. 

Proceeded to change the text font on everyone’s phones to Comic Sans.

With Barbara’s help, the others hacked into the League’s databases and changed everything to regular Latin. 

Diana and a few others were unfazed. 

Barry, who was on monitor duty, started crying took it like a champ.

On patrol, everyone spoke in a different language. 

Except for Dick, who ‘pretended’ to lose his voice.

Jason: “ Y el inconveniente es...?” (And the downside is?)

Damian: “Δεν υπάρχει κανένα μειονέκτημα.” (There is no disadvantage.)

Dick: “Hey!”

Steph: “Ha! Je savais qu'il n'aurait pas durer!” (Ha! I knew he wouldn’t last!)

Bruce:  “As crianças, deixar seu irmão sozinho, todos sabíamos que ele não iria durar.” (Kids, leave your brother alone, we all knew he wouldn’t last.)

Tim:  “어이, 이봐, 진행 중인 사건이 여기 있다. 누구나 관심을 갖고 있다면...” (Hey, guys, there’s a robbery in progress down here. If anyone cares...)

They got bored, eventually, and started singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

In their different languages--

--giving everyone they encountered a small heart attack.

Tim rigged the microwave with spring-loaded Diethylzinc. 

Jason went to cook a microwave breakfast burrito and set the kitchen on fire. 

No one was harmed--except for Jason’s eyebrows. 

And Bruce’s blood pressure (this was the explosion he woke up to.)

In retaliation, Jason booby-trapped the Red Robin suit with a mixture of  hydrogen peroxide, potassium iodide, soap, and food coloring. 

Ever hear of Elephant Toothpaste?

Tim was luckily not in the suit when the explosion went off. (The reaction gives off a lot of heat.)

Bruce sat everyone down at the end of the day. 

“Kids. I want to thank you all for a very entertaining day. No one was injured--”

Dick cleared his throat meaningfully.

“--No one was seriously injured, and no one was killed--right? Is everyone here and accounted for? Barbara...?”

[Over the comms] “I’m alive, but heaven help the poor soul who decided to put those TNT poppers in my chair’s tire treads...”

Stephanie pursed her lips, eyes widening. 

“What about Duke? Has anyone seen Duke?”

“He, uh, he may or may not be on a plane to Morocco at the moment...”

“He’ll be fine.”

“Hopefully.”

“Totally!”

[Deep sigh] “But there was no lasting property damage done this year. At least, nothing a few hundred dollars can’t solve.”

Jason leaned over to the others and stage-whispered. “Nobody better say anything about the BatSub.”

“The what?”

“Hearing voices again, old man? Might need to get your hearing checked.”

“Hn. Well, all in all, this was a very mild April Fool’s Day, by our standards. So I’d like to thank everyone for dialing things back this year. Meeting adjourned.”