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exlwandering · 17 days ago

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I Would Say Sorry If I Thought That Would Fix Anything.

I… Talking about Cyntheis… Now that’s a tall order. I do feel bad for him, but in the end he’s just another person who I hurt and there are thousands of those if I’m going to be honest. W, Ella, Iris, Makey, Shisha, Whickle, Walms, Weaver, Caretaker, Melm, Emily, L, Prixie, Valm, Shishpa, Dockey, Velveteen, Shaham, Parisy, Primmey, Too-kooo, Swees, Craumpa, Tammey, Aimery, Tramic, Lowleak, Vacumula, Fairfeefee, Critk, Omhns, Laka, Rembey, Alonvosen, Gretical, Groken, Ec-krill, Silvaylee, Perleer, Oprenia, Nickrolley, Lescript, Grockul, Tishell, Blinky, War, Jeluk, Roquless, Jomay, Croakal, Melfecan, Lukenia, Lixeymoltife, Fricli-re-um, Shalcool, Frishemeia, Rompula, Crisof, Splenda, Splorow, Mark-Regev, Crisalley, Racoolm, Bibiall, Homu, Bearloom, Markeen, SeerZecky…

I could actually go on for several hours, and the only reason I don’t is because I barely remember half of their names. It’s all such a blur, but I know I hurt them and the only way for me to remember it all is to go back piece by piece and individually remember it all. To put it in perspective, I want you all to go back to your first memory and slowly, so slowly, re-live every single moment from conception to now. It would, if you did it right, take you literal years. Now take me, the oldest living thing (if you can call me living) in all 32 worlds… It would be nearly impossible for me to do it, I just couldn’t. I’m trying, I swear I am but I just can’t. Not everyone, not everything I’ve ever done. It’s just too tall an order. And you can’t imagine how much I regret it. I laugh though. I laugh at you and I laugh at them and myself but honestly… I couldn’t tell you how much of it is real or just me being spiteful. Probably the ladder. And as much as I mocked Cyntheis… It’s not him I’m mad at, let's just say.

Cyntheis is a golden wing. The youngest of three, son of a prodigy, Mal-que-ka. She created the Stellards and the later renamed Trofells or ‘People of Perfection’. Both species tall and thin, with malleable bones. The Stellards were people of the stars, they breathed life into them (though it’s not as though that wasn’t already happening).

Secra was her eldest, her one and only daughter, she never made any accomplishments in her life as pretty quickly into her adulthood she got stuck in some time spot, never got out of it until recently.

Her next child was Lucifer, another prodigy in the making. He had decided that he was going to make his world not with “new souls” but with shadows, which he had discovered were people, the only type of people without a soul or consciousness but only a mind, one of the five creation aspects. (Body, mind, soul, consciousness and morality believe it or not. Which is just more or less how you understand things to be and how you think things through, at least in this instance.) Most things don’t exist without at least a consciousness as Lucifer well knew, but he found that his own shadow had an agency all its own, but no ability to do what it willed. He was going to build his world, “The City of Black and Gold” inside of a black hole, something that was as unaccomplished as it was dangerous. But he had created a soul weaver and together they had started working on their future. Cyntheis was only 8 at this time. Lucifer was 19 and their sister Secra was 24.

Cyntheis was a book worm his whole childhood, as short as it was. Fascinated with the small things, bugs and clear wings, snow and grass and flowers, small fingers and eyelashes, hands and toes and bark on trees. All the different kinds of trees that he would climb for hours by his mothers side. In his own nest, which he started when he was only 5 (good, nothing impressive but good) he would draw out all the different kinds of species that he would have made. Cripes and smites, lowleys and rounds. He would also sketch out a lot of the elders. Roquless was his favorite, no hands to draw but thousands of eyes and scales along his long and fat snake-like body. Also a lot of teeth, something he always swore was a much better weapon than talons could ever be. It was safe to say that that fight between Roquless and Jomay (his twin brother) never truly came to an end.

When he saw me for the first time I was with him. He drew me too but only so that he could put into scale how massive Roquless was compared to someone of a more typical size. That body was a mix of male and female, I miss it actually. Long wavy brown hair, and a long figure. My eyes -as always- bright red, and my skin pale as white dwarf stars. Oh and you can’t forget the wings, I liked having wings, and I missed them when I was Pet. I actually would go out and grab people's wings when I became Pet, obviously it was really inappropriate which often got me hit or thrown at something but just feeling the smoothness of the feather against my skin made it all worth it. The Feathers used to tickle my neck which took me a millennium to get used to. The only difference in texture for a golden wings feathers and an arches is the occasional grian of pure gold that would build up on the feathers if you didn't clean them enough.

I remember pointing out Cyntheis to Roquless, we both just laughed and posed. And to pull your attention to my point at the beginning, in telling you all this… I remembered that I was There when Roquless was murdered by the Judge. Hell… I was the one who had the idea to- Get rid… Of- uncooperative… Golden wings…. But back then, we were friends. Good friends, I gave him a lot of ideas and vise versa, we cared about each other. I just wasn’t… Strong enough I guess…

But I keep on seeing him for a while. Until the inciting incident, the one fucking mistake that caused all of this shit to start in the first place, why she made me do all of this horrible shit! Weaver was waltzing through the worlds and wasn’t being careful, at all! No… It’s not her fault… She’s never careful,but why should she be? There shouldn’t be anything to fear but… I. I am something to fear, and she didn’t know I was there, watching as Cyntheis watched her pull her world silk through the worlds to bring back home. He was entranced by her, Her hair long and black, but skin for the most part was white cream but in between her plates it was a warm black. Six arms all pulling the silk through the layered holes that she built for that exact purpose. Her lower half, only seven spider legs-not eight-pushing against the solid lack of air below her. Her lower abdomen holding up her usual sweater on her waist. Her chest was bare, and all the plates that made her up were more obvious and shifted with her. All of those beautiful eyes that I crafted just for her trailing off of her face and landing randomly on her throat, breast, and stomach. When she caught sight of him she was surprised but gave him a small smile after a moment. Waving one hand, freeing it from the silk. He waved back, and got a crush… Which we used to bring the world, as far as he knew it then, to an end.

He was very obvious when he went looking for something that talked about her species. Which is how we found him so easy. No matter what I was going to find him, it just so happened, though that we stumbled into him instead of having to search. I felt her convince me of this new game, and I looked forward. At the possibilities. If anyone tells you they can see the future, they are lying. The only future that exists is what is possible, so I look at that instead. I was just supposed to be one kid. One kid becoming mine or her new host, just like the body I took then. That’s all it was supposed to be, all that was likely to happen. All that was supposed to happen! But she just keep ramping it up. We told him what the world makers were, how they did what they did and why. Who they were… Where they were… But also that he couldn’t get to them without their permission, or that if he were very very lucky simply by chance. That he was just as likely to fall into some random world as he was to fall into that place. We didn’t tell him that we knew the way though. All that he wanted then was to become one. A childish wish to be something greater than he already was. Then we gave him the idea to… Get their attention. To wreak so much destruction to his world that they would have to come out and stop him and when they did he would fix it all with a wave of his mighty hand… Become one of them… He didn’t know that no matter what happened they would never come out to stop him. They never did that to me anyway. Not even W. offered up even the idea, even when she so desperately wanted to… I guess I'm still her mentor to her.

The older he got and the more his eyes held her mark… the more we took advantage of him. His mind, his thoughts… His body… I might just be the most ashamed of that. Watching her take anyone over just so she could have me, hurt me, it was always amazing to me. Being able to touch the closest approximation of her, and being the only one to do that. I felt so loved. But it wasn’t that. Not nearly. And all that she was doing was taking something special from him… That was all either of us ever did.

Several years of planning passed us by then, meticulous planning. One of the first things we did was getting to work on studying the history of the Golden wings, not of their escapades and many knowledges but more so of their weaknesses. What caused so many conflicts to occur within such a small community? Why so little trust, so little history taught? I knew exactly why. Though, it's a little fuzzy to me now. I know they never trusted each other, and hierarchies are something that form naturally with them. Depending on their gifts. Each Goldenwing, when they make their first bodies discover their gift from their own gods of creation. Some are small. For example Lukenia’s gift was to basically blow up anything that gives off light, but because he could barely control it or the range, it was practically useless to the little boy, but his friend Faustifuer, now that is a good gift. He can remember others' memories like they’re his own, like he lived it. And it’s not even something that he can stop most of the time, he has to put work in to stop it. And because of this he can take their memories out, hell- he can even make you forget how to breathe, to walk, to think. It's a very powerful gift indeed. And it’s because of these extreme distances of usefulness of the gifts that the hierarchy forms. And golden wings are very very inconsiderate of other creatures, even their own kind.

So that was one thing we re-discovered together, the next thing was the plan itself. What to do at all that would be so terrible to get the attention of the world makers.

“It has to be big, you know that right?”

“Uhh, I know, you keep saying that” He was so small still, long but small.

“That's because I mean it, you can’t just easily undo it and it must grab their attention. They’re not easy to scare, or even concern.” Another one of my many quick lies. I wonder what would have happened if he had ever caught me in one.

“I know… Hey. What if,” He stood from his place on the bed, his large and heavily feathered bed, not his feathers, not mainly anyway. It was his room that we met up in. The vines of his nest completely wrapping around the main part of his own little home.

“Golden wings can’t resist making worlds… It’s against our first instinct! To build! It’s not a complete plan but it’s a good place to start.” He looked at me, those hazel eyes, the blue spots in them melting into the hazel warmth. But small black fingers worked their way around his pupil, ever so slowly, no one noticed, only me. It excited me back then to see them.

“Hmm… What else.”

“Well, what else other than a hierarchy… Myself at the top!” He smiled with pride.

“And what to keep them in place?”

His eyes told me he hadn’t thought of that. And then he laughed a little.

“What about something they’d never take seriously?”

I can’t tell you what that was, but I’ll tell you that they never did take those three seriously, until one of them made the crystal lake. It was at one point a lake of beauty, crystal tears were at the bottom and it was believed that it was bottomless. That something that would hold onto all of the dead souls of everything that had ever existed would have to be. But it wasn’t. Nothing is. With what the smallest one of them had done with it, it was overflowing with those small crystal remnants of over ¾ of everything that was alive in their world. And that was what kept the golden wings in check. Fear of extinction. The creators of life, scared of dying out.

Next was something to protect and enforce these rules.

“Hey so, I found something interesting, they were called Neficlees. Come look!” He was upside down in his mother's desk chair, he was older then and his eyes were almost completely covered in her hands, almost. He showed me his book.

“They look like golden wings without the gold? Wait- I remember those… Those things were terrible at their jobs.” I started pacing around the room, “Infinite protectors of their golden wing only to be struck down so fast most didn’t even realize they had died! And you want those to be protectors of our little gods?”

“Well,” he corrected himself in his seat, now looking me head on, “Of course they're gonna be better, I’ll build a soul maker and get him to build their bodies, the souls are the real tricky part. If their souls rely on their bodies then if they get too damaged they really will die, but if we put them somewhere else and get them to rely on an outward power source then they’ll be much stronger. Also if we make them really, really big the golden wings physically wouldn’t be able to stop them!”

“What about someone like Faustifur? He could break their minds in seconds and be completely done with them.”

“Oh please, like he’s a threat. Everyone hates him, this, what we’re building! It’ll be like a utopia to him! No more pressure to build a world and no more of him being an outcast! Hell, he’ll probably be the biggest defendant of even the idea of it all.”

“I suppose you're right.” In the end though, not even he really liked how everything played out. I suppose he was too busy missing his dead mother and little brother. That will make a utopia very bleak after all.

“On one condition, we'll make those things… We have their souls completely built up before we even make their bodies.”

I called in a friend when the soul maker was finished. He was large in build, thick curly and long hair and beard. Oh and made of clay, just like every other soul maker, Cyntheis never bothered to give him a real name, so soul maker was all he was ever called. Iris though, she was given a name, and hell- she even outlived her own golden wing. I helped in part with that though. Having been the one to stab him. I remember how his blood was cold, not warm, everything else seemed to be so warm but his blood was so different. Iris stooped down to practically bathe in it, so that she would never again rely on him to not solidify, so that she could be real. Markeen. Never really liked him.

At this point I made the blueprints for War and Jeluke, we didn’t name them then but War named herself later, and Jeluke I’ve nicknamed recently. They were going to be the first ever Archangels. Their innards were made with what I’m gonna call Static. A very powerful substance that basically consumes all the energy that it comes into contact with. It’s what I used to build the ancient goldenwing trapps, who knows how many I caught in those. It was my own horrible concoction. And they were swollen with it. Wrapped up in extremely tight skin. Wars’ skin was enchanted so that even if it was cut you couldn’t get the stuff out of her, only if you completely skinned her. Jeluke was not so lucky. We placed War on an earth, replacing her with another baby where she was named Bianca and we put Jeluke in the sun, so that later he would be perfectly obedient.

Bianca met almost everyone on that planet at one point or another, and later after almost one thousand years of not dying we killed her, and made her an arch. And she picked each and every archangel soul. And what they’d represent.

“Hey, we can just get rid of that planet right?”

Cyntheis, with completely wrapped eyes stood in front of me, so matter a-fact but still not done.

“Um, yeah, it’s got nothing we need anymore, and we want the new one to look different so why even reuse it?”

The archangels were finished, the new world was built, and the little ones we would put in charge of so much power were under selection.

Things quickly… Got out of hand.

Cyntheis and his eyes, the fingers of her hands were beginning to outstretch, he kept on complaining of headaches.

“Judge,” Cyntheis called out to him, not at all human looking yet, the Soul Maker was still working on that.

“Yes Lord Cyntheis?”

“Here’s your first list, don’t fuck it up.” And he didn’t.

I was out that day, but the judge was destroying his first ever world. He was becoming a symbol of power. Up until this point some of the elders were defending this new way, they had seen so many generations of golden wings come and go, and you might think that none of them purged other golden wings, or destroyed whole worlds but they had. Most of them in fact. So still, even when the elders were caught uneasy, they still didn’t stop defending this new order.

I was alone. I can’t remember where. But I was talking to her, or trying to. She was completely in Cyntheis, and I was alone. And I let out some of what I was, I think… But I wasn’t really alone. Bearloom was there, she had just escaped her world being destroyed. No- That was later. I don’t know why she was there, she just… was. And somehow, she saw what was happening. All of it. Even when I finally got Her attention, and she gave me something to drink. No it wasn’t a drink. God damn it it’s so fuzzy!… Pills. They were pills. They make you forget.

“I wanna play this game alone, Doll, but you can still be a player…”

I swallowed bottles on bottles of those pills. And when I finally turned around to see Bearloom- I decided I wouldn’t deal with her, so I tried to shatter her crystal tear, but I was already forgetting how to do anything. SO I only cracked it. When she later went to go kill Cynthies with SeerZecky her tear split in two but reattached itself, and she used the last of her own energy to make herself anew, and she became human. She was later renamed Pj, and adopted by a circus ring leader of all people. It’s funny, it was being on a tightrope that let her feel the sky again.

I was gone though. She had brought me some place though, she made me Pet. I was whore and toy to the entire archangel population and even Cyntheis… Being with him made us both remember some. Just for a little while. I think it was a punishment. For Cyntheis for being so gullible and wanting so much. For me just… I don’t know. Being dragged along. I knew it was all going wrong though. I tried to get him to really wake up.

”You don’t want this, It’s only going to get more extreme, you’re just gonna become a husk, I've seen it so many times, this isn’t what you want.” But she grabbed him just when he was on the cusp of waking up.

She convinced him to kill his mom. He loved her when he was little. And I don’t think it was the act of killing her that gets to me. I’ve made many children kill their own parents, been the one placing the knife in their own small hands and been the one whispering that they never loved them like they should have… But it was the elation on his face. How she ran, so determined.

I had killed myself by then. Again. Left my body as Pet. The Soul Maker saw me as his own kid and so when I died in that body he made a new little soul maker. My spitting image. And then he put my consciousness inside of a body. One that’s still occupied, that's cramped and- She named herself moon. And she was new to things, like children are.

She was in her part of the workshop that Cyntheis’s mother Mal-que-ka ran past. She was being hunted. And she could have made it out. But she looked over while taking a breath and saw Moon. She panicked at first. “Who are you?”

“Moon.”

She remembered her son's gift to Cyntheis, a moon for his planet. It was one of the first things that Moon ever saw.

Her first words were, “what is that?”

Mal-que-ka just stood there a moment. She realized she wasn’t escaping. There was nowhere, anywhere that she could run to. Not a single place. The only place in her own world, not her planets but her entire universe that she could effectively hide in would be the void. And that was damnation. So she sat down next to Moon and saw the small instrument in her small hands and taught her how to play it. They only had 13 minutes and 43 seconds together. But Moon learned more from her in that time than she ever did from the Soul Maker. She learned that the Golden wings, for all their flaws, were people that had immense beauty in them. She fell in love with Florieka later because of this. Died for her too.

The final touch for Cyntheis’s world was that he was going to leave it on a loop until the world makers found him.

He put on this huge ceremony. At that ceremony every single back wing was going to be thrown down into the human world, and they would have to hide. If they were ever found they would be killed, simple as that.

Everyone was invited, the golden wings, not the elders though, they were all killed by The Judge, The Hunter and a few others, but others that were invited were the punishers and white wing archangels… Hell, even the slaves of the court were there to witness the horrible occasion. I remember it all through Cyntheis’s eye.

Just before the end of the first repeat, just before the bell rang for the last day of that existence Cyntheis called Lucifer up to be center stage with him. Lucifer always looked different from his family, wavy dark red hair, tan skin at one point but it was already paling from being in the city of the black and gold for so long. His strong body wasn’t going to last nearly as long as he thought it would.

Even after everything he loved his little brother. He always protected him, taught him everything he knew. His dark eyes met Cyntheis’s. Her hand had completely opened, he was all hers, like I was. Like I am.

Cyntheis opened his arms with a smile on his face and he closed the nervous distance between the two. Lucifer finally relaxed into his little brother's arms, tears welling in his eyes. Cyntheis pulled his wings out, Lucifer already had his out. He loved them. Wide and bright and as solidly built as him.

Cyntheis inched his hands up his brothers back, grabbed his brothers wings by the base, and ripped off every muscle and inch of skin off the bone.

The punishers were screaming, and rock with his own massive form tried to push past the Archs but of course that wasn’t an option. And L, who named herself again to honor him, because he saved her from utter madness, watched in terror as his life barely held onto him. Black blood pooled down his back. Cyntheis threw his wings over to the side so that later he could pluck each and every feather off of his wings. When he finally passed out from pain, about 3 hours, 27 minutes and 13 seconds later the punishers were allowed to collect him. Ink used his jacket to try and stop his bleeding, Rock had picked him up and was cradling him like one of his children, Kiley, or later Cherry bomb snarled at Cyntheis and L was praying to her own previous gods in hopes that they might spare him. A few other punishers gathered around offering their own spare clothes to help catch his blood, Infection and Needle both offered their scarves and jackets and so did one other who I can’t remember. They dragged him back to the City of Black and Gold where his Soul Weaver, who was supposed to be dead, wrapped all of her ribbon around his wings and saved his life. Those mangled bones are always out, and always torn up. Infection and disease is just a part of his day to day now.

The worst part though is that he’s trapped in his own gift to his brother, the moon. That’s where his office is. One of the doors leads to the City of Black and gold, and Ink and L take care of him. Rock and Kiley were thrown into the void only a few years later. But he’s stuck. Like me. At the hands of someone he loved.

No. We’re different in that way. I trapped myself, to trap Her too. Didn’t work in a way that counted though. It was useless. I don’t know why I’m so useless. I ruined your world. Before it even began. I’ve ruined every world that's ever been made! I know sorry means nothing, but fuck I would love to hear it. Both from myself and to me. But that won’t ever happen, not the ladder anyway.

I’m so tired.

No matter what I do, I’m stuck.

I can’t move.

I was never meant to.

I was just a doll.

That’s it

That's all I was

I miss it!

Please, fuck I miss it!

I wanna go home!

I can’t ever go home!

Why did we have to leave?