#started watching miraculous recently and it’s gripping my brain you guys

[tanukiimo]

miraculous ladybug au sulemio. i’m so insane about this aoughhh

[aliensunflower-fics]

Marinette’s Big Fall: An angsty Prompt

[ I have had not one. Not two. But THREE anonymous asks for some Miraculous ladybug angst with a pinch of salt SO here you go. Also because people keep asking me if they can make fics from my prompts I will just put here that YES you can I will love you if you do, please just tag me so I can squeal. I always love fan-art and I always love fics based off my ideas just go nuts guys. ]

If you asked the students of Bustier’s classroom what happened that sunny tuesday at 1:36pm they would all tell you it was an accident. None of them had meant for anything to happen and none of them had so much as laid a finger on the dark haired girl. It was just an accident that was all, but still their faces would lose blood and they would shake as they remembered the sight of Marinette Dupain-Cheng laying still as a stone at the bottom of the stairs. If you asked them to start at the beginning they would take a shaky breath and start their tale at the first warning bell of the school day, before Marinette had arrived and when Lila Rossi did.

The italian had for months been telling them of Marinette’s misdeeds and though many were proven to be false it seemed like not a day went by where Lila didn’t have some new to say about the bakers daughter. That days newest tale was about how Marinette had ruined Lila’s photoshoot at the park with Adrien. It was suppose to be a romantic shoot for valentines day and Marinette had arrived at the park where it was taking place with little Manon. Lila claimed that Marinette bribed the child into pushing Lila into the fountain during the shoot thus ruining the whole thing and making her look bad in front of the employer. Now hearing this story the students of Bustier’s class felt mixed Marinette was prone to fits of jealousy but would she really bring a child into it? Some were angry at Marinette for her repeated felonies some were unsure and one other a certain Adrien Agreste still had no idea what everyone meant about Marinette being jealous and while he knew that Lila had ended up in the water and that it was Manon who did it... He also knew for a fact that Marinette was in no way involved.

The debate over Marinette’s innocence would last until the young designer arrived then the class would fall into steely silence all fuming and grumbling trying to justify the Marinette they knew and loved with the jealous green eyed monster Lila suffered under. As they day wore on Alya always the seeker of truth began badgering Marinette trying to get to the bottom of the whole affair, and while Marinette admitted to being at the park and admitted to babysitting Manon and yes she even confirmed that Lila wound up in the fountain she claimed no responsibility arguing that little Manon had just wanted a hug from Adrien and had accidentally shoved the italian. This information spurred only new arguments though they happened without Marinette’s knowledge in back and forth messages when the teachers back was turned. Lila meanwhile continued to weave her web sending her own messages to the class with new accusations and ‘evidence’ something had to give as the tensions rose and at exactly 1:00 when Mme. Bustier stepped out something did give indeed.

No one really remembers the argument only who was leading it. Alya was a good person a bit too trusting and maybe a bit too gullible and brash but she always protected the weak and thats why Marinette loved her. The problem was right now Alya thought the one who needed that protection was one Lila Rossi. Marinette did her best to diffuse the situation she argued that it was a child’s mistake that Lila should let it go. Alya argued that Marinette always had issues with jealousy and that she needed to fess up and apologize. Marinette would no apologize for something she didn’t do and so the argument continued, classmates joined in things got more and more heated in the spur of the moment with everyone yelling and Lila sobbing Alya snapped and said two things she never should have. One she told Marinette they were no longer friends unless Marinette stopped being jealous. And two, she revealed just why Marinette was ‘jealous’ her crush on Adrien Agreste. The moment the words left her mouth Alya was hit with regret, the moment she saw embarrassment in her friends face and tears hot and fresh welling in her eyes she was hit with shame. No one spoke as the bakers daughter let out a choked sob but suprising them all it wasn’t an accusation of anger at Alya for outing her secret that left the dark haired girls lips it was a quiet shaky and broken:

“W-Were not friends a-anymore?” Followed by yet another choked and heartbroken sob.

Before Alya or anyone could answer the girl bolted for the door shaking with sobs. Everyone stood shocked still for a moment before Adrien bolted up and rushed after the girl the rest of the class followed. But they never reached Marinette in time. In her distressed state the pigtailed girl had tried to make a break for home but she was clumsy and clumsier still when upset so when she rushed down the stair she tripped and everyone could only watch in silent horror as the bakers daughter only managed to let out a gasp before her body slammed into the hard concrete. When the students of Bustier’s recalled everything later they would note with some shock that it was Chloe who moved first yelling out Marinette’s name, not her last name no, just her name as she rushed down the stairs and to the dark haired girls side. She noted the young girl wasn’t responding and quickly snapped for Sabrina to phone an ambulance while she continued to monitor Marinette. No one else would move, Alya would cry silently and in horror as Chloe called out to Marinette and checked her pulse, Nino would clutch his hat and stare mouth agape as Marinette lay like a lifeless corpse, Adrien Agreste would fall to his knees at the top of that stairs his eyes like saucers as he tried to comprehend what had happened. And Lila Rossi? She would feel every bit of blood in her body turn into ice as guilt gripped onto her and told her that this, all of this was because of HER.

Everything that happened next was a blur, the ambulance arrived Marinette was driven away with Chloe of all people. The police arrived, Bustier and Damocles felt there sweat turn cold as they were questioned, the other students of the school would stand around murmuring and pointing at the Akuma Class Rose would hear the kinder people ask what happened in hushed tone, Juleka would hear the crueler people say that the Akuma class had tried to kill the one person they couldn’t akumatize. Soon enough parents arrived and dragged away their children Kim and Alix would notice the small patch of blood on the concrete where Marinette landed, they would later puke thinking about it, but they told no one of what they had seen.

Meanwhile on the way to the hospital Tikki was in a panic, her dearest chosen her most precious and rare creation soul was BROKEN so many bones and bits of her body were mangled beyond repair... Well beyond NORMAL repair but Tikki was a god, a sentimental god at that and she would not let heaven or hell get in the way of her helping Marinette survive no matter the cause. And so sitting silently, hidden in the girls hair out of sight of the paramedic and Chloe who was telling them all she knew of Marinette’s medical background Tikki used her magic to mend all she could, she would make sure that her sweet precious Marinette would be alright but while she mended the broken body Tikki knew that there would be a price to pay. Magic always came with a price. In the past when she’d used her magic to heal holders this way some had lost their eyesight, others their voices, some would lose a limb, Tikki had no idea that cost Marinette would pay but she knew whatever it was her precious little bug would be alright.

And she was. The doctors were shocked to find that while Marinette had a broken leg and two broken ribs, some deep cuts that would never fully heal, and some awful bruising that would leave the girl sore for who knows how long she was in fact just fine. There was no internal bleeding, and no serious brain trauma, and somehow she’d be just fine to walk when her leg healed up. Sabine and Tom cried tears of joy at the news and stayed by the young girls side. Tikki was also pleased with the news from her hidden spot where she lay utterly exhausted. She knew still that their would be a price to pay but at least Marinette was alive and well. The bakers daughter did not wake up until early the next day and when she did she was mobbed by her parents. She smiled at their concern and when the doctor came in to greet her he decided to check her memory.

“Standard procedure.” He said. “It’s not unusual for there to be some minor memory loss surrounding the incident itself were just going to check.”

And so the questions began. They started with things like her birthday, and her parents names and ages, then they moved on to recent events, so far no problems. Finally they asked about the day itself and the ‘incident’ in questions Marinette opened her mouth to answer then paused thoughtfully. She couldn’t remember. Not unusual assured the doctor, and then he returned to asking other questions probing gently to ensure everything was alright, and it seemed to be up until the doctor asked a simple question.

“What’s your best friends name? And can you describe them.”

Marinette froze and stayed silent. Tikki suddenly felt a strange twist in her tummy. Sabine and Tom looked at their daughter uncertainly. Finally after a long pause. Marinette spoke with a strained laugh.

“I uhh dont remember having one sir.” Sabine felt her stomach suddenly drop, hidden away behind a plant Tikki felt the same thing.

Concerned by the answer the doctor probed more with Tom and Sabine joining in. The answers were startling. Marinette Dupain-Cheng had forgotten every single person that was present when she fell down the stairs. She could recall other students at the school and her teacher, but all the students of her own class? She could not recall their names or their faces. When her parents asked about a specific memory the first time Nino and Marinette met and became friends. Marinette’s eyes lit up. She remembered the event, she remembered someone being bullied and helping them and then they became friends. Her parents were hopeful and the doctor calmly asked Marinette to tell them who the bully was and who the person being bullied was. At that all Marinette did was frown and hold her head. She could remember the incident but... The faces of the bully and the one being bullied were blacked out she had no idea who they were. They tried asking her if she knew the bullied boys favorite things, she had no idea, his name? Nothing. Favorite color? Nope. It was odd extremely so and the only theory the doctor could offer was trauma based memory lose triggered by stress and the possible incident surrounding her accident.

Later when her parents left and it was safe. Tikki emerged and was overjoyed to learn that Marinette remembered her and being ladybug. Tikki was a bit worried about the holes in her dear chosens memories but she knew that this was the price Marinette had payed. She got to keep her life and all her limbs and eyes but she had lost something precious, her friends, they were now black holes burned into faded memories. And it extended into her superhero life. Marinette knew Rena Rouge she could remember her powers and her skill, but when Tikki asked who she was Marinette could only frown and hold her head as it throbbed. Alya, Nino, everyone even Adrien were gone, Marinette had the memories but no faces, no names, no attachment she had lost her friends. Tikki felt guilty of course and told Marinette as much but the young girl just kissed her Kwami’s head and confidently said that they would figure it out.

It had been a week sense Marinette’s big fall. And the students of Bustier’s class sat restless in their seats. None of them had been able to check up on Marinette as her parents had forbidden visitors and the bakers themselves were illusive now a days as they kept close to the hospital keeping their daughter company. All anyone knew was that Marinette was alive, and while that was great news it wasn’t enough. And to make matters perhaps more odd then Marinette’s disappearance was the complete inactivity by Hawkmoth. It was as if he was busy dealing with something else. Like maybe his teenage son who had been expressing all of his teenage rebellion and angst in a concentrated dose ever sense a certain bakers daughter had fallen down the stairs. Adrien was indeed the most miserable about the whole situation, he’d given up on bathing, moped all day, snapped at Lila for even opening her mouth, and was refusing to care for himself or attend any and all photoshoots and extra curricular activities. Adrien’s rebellion was causing big problems for Gabriel’s business and he was stuck rushing about trying to re-organize events and juggle his son who had become terrifyingly good at escaping the house to go to school no matter what kind of locks were installed.

As the day wore on for Bustier’s students ignored the looks given to them by the other students in the school. More then a few of them blamed them squarely for what had happened to Marinette while others shot them looks of sympathy or concern. The class as a whole looked like they were from a bad zombie movie, but the one who looked perhaps the worse of them all was Lila Rossi, while some would try and argue its because of how bad she felt for poor Marinette others would recognize that she seemed paranoid and on edge with her eyes darting about and how quick she was to defend herself against even the smallest assumed accusation against her. Finally lunch rolled around and like the mob of zombies they were the students of Bustier’s class walked mindlessly to the cafeteria that is until one of them spotted a familiar looking girl though her hair was no longer in pigtails and her clothing had changed it was undoubtedly her! The class rushed forward with a surge catching the attention of the whole school who watched the exchange curiously. Apologies were hurled out questions were yelled and poor Marinette looked overwhelmed silence only came when Sabine stepped forward with a warning look though there was an odd glint of pity and sadness in her eyes. Finally it was Alya who broke the silence.

“Marinette! We are SO sorry, please can you find it in your heart to forgive us?” The Ladybloger was holding back tears and no one had heard her voice that shaky before. After a long pause Marinette spoke.

“U-Umm... Hey listen I dont... Really know what your apologizing for... And uh I dont really know who you are but... Umm sure of course I forgive you! You seem very nice?”

The crowd was stunned. Marinette had no idea who ALYA was? Her best friend? The girl she’d fought with last? Sensing the tension in the room Tom gently guided Marinette away shooting Sabine an odd look. Both parents had hoped that seeing her old school would jolt Marinette’s memory but it seemed that even her best friends face wasn’t enough to bring back what had been lost. As Tom helped Marinette climb the stairs with her cast. Sabine took a deep breath and proceeded to explain what she could. That Marinette had lost... Some memories, specifically relating to people who had been around during her accident... She didn’t remember any of them and no one not even the doctors or Tikki herself could change that. As Sabine apologized for what must surely be a shock she excused herself to follow her daughter and husband to the principles office so they could discuss the situation.

For the students of the akuma class life felt like it had been turned sideways. Lila who had been consumed by guilt had begun to hyperventilate. Alya felt slapped and raw her best friend had no idea who she was and the last thing she had done before Marinette forgot all about her was denounce their friendship. For Kim and Nino their were tears and disbelief the girl that they had known sense childhood had no idea who they were and regarded them like any stranger on the side of the road. For Chloe there was the oddest feeling of heartbreak, now she would never know if Marinette could truly forgive her, because the Marinette to whom she’d been so cruel was all but gone. But it was perhaps Adrien who was hit the hardest, Adrien who had learned that Marinette liked him the day of the accident, Adrien who had watched her fall, who had not rushed to check on her, Adrien who had felt torn by guilt confused about his feelings, Adrien who felt like the world had lost the sun with Marinette gone, Adrien who had wanted Marinette to come back so he could see she was okay and ask her on the date she deserved, and now Adrien who meant nothing to her because she had no idea who he was.

As for the rest of the students of Dupont? Well many of them were overjoyed to know Marinette remembered them at least but they felt pity for the akuma class but many others wondered what the future held. Would Marinette’s old friends try and rekindle their friendships? Would they bring photos and music and videos to try and bring back the girls memories? Or would new friends take the place of the old and forgotten? Would Adrien continue down his path of rebellion fighting for a place in Marinette’s heart once more, or would he return to being a docile lamb under his fathers thumb his heart and mind numb due to the shock of it all. Would Lila Rossi return to her old ways? Would she crack under the feelings of guilt and shame? Or would she go mad and attack Marinette. How many people would forever flinch and rush to offer Marinette help whenever she so much as when near a flight of stairs? Would it be possible to anyone to reclaim Marinette’s lost memories or would new ones need to be made? No one knew. But they did know for certain that things would be different from now on.

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[ave-aria]

Rewind

Ectober Week 2020 Day 3: Rewind Summary: Maddie can't believe what she's seeing on the security tape. In shock, she hits rewind. Tags: Reveal fic, Blood, Angst, Implications of character death, Tragedy, Trauma, Oneshot

-

Rewind.

Maddie keeps her eyes on the tv screen as the figures wind their way backwards to the start of the video. She won't look away. Can't. Doesn't dare.

If she looks away, she'll have to focus on something else. The quiet, dusty lab around her. The uncleaned ecto-weapons by the door. The green blood smattered on the blade.

The hollow, empty house looming over her head…

The video hiccups a bit as she hits the start of the feed. Old VHS tapes are odd like that, buzzing out with static where the film wore thin from too many pauses and restarts. It's a sign she's hit the beginning. Maddie presses play.

"Mom and Dad would kill me if they knew I let you down here."

It was an old security tape, filched from the lab. Onscreen, three teenagers, her son at the lead, slip into the camera's field of view. Maddie leans closer, enraptured by the movement, even though she's seen this moment enough times to have it seared into her brain.

Maybe, if she focuses hard enough, she can learn the secret - how to rewind her own mistakes, go back to a time when none of it has happened, just like in the video.

"Whoa, check it out! This thing's huge! I can't believe your parents built this!" A pause, while the kid adjusts his glasses. "Bummer that it doesn't work though, dude."

"Damn. Was it really supposed to open a portal to the underworld?"

"It's 'The Ghost Zone,' Sam. And yeah. My parents were pretty heartbroken when it didn't work. It kinda just… fizzled out. I hope they're not too upset."

The detached, clinical angle of the shot doesn't do the moment justice. Danny'd always been such a kind boy, thoughtful and empathetic to a fault. Maddie's throat closes up a little, leaving her struggling to breathe. They had been upset. Unbearably so. Their life's work - as Danny put it - fizzled out before their very eyes. It'd been a hard loss to take, one that she and Jack might never have recovered from, had the Portal not miraculously started working on its own, days later.

God. Now she almost wishes it hadn't.

A bright flash draws her from her reverie. Maddie blinks at the screen. A camera flash. In her distraction, she's missed part of the video; Tucker's casual "Lighten up, dude,", Sam's request for a photo op, Danny grabbing a hazmat suit to pose with while she dug the device from her backpack.

"—Got it," Sam waves the printed Polaroid to air out the negative.

"Okay. I showed you the portal. Can we get out of here now? My parents could be back here any minute."

Where had they been that day, anyway? Maddie wonders. Grocery shopping? Visiting the park? Moping, as they tried anything to get their minds off of their most recent failure? If they'd been there —

If they'd been there—

"Come on, Danny," comes Sam's voice, treacherous in its fascination. "A Ghost Zone? Aren't you curious?"

Danny looks into the Portal, clutching the custom white suit made specially for him. Sam smirks, knowing. "You gotta check it out."

Maddie hits pause.

Rewind.

"You gotta check it out."

Pause. Rewind.

"You gotta check it out."

Rewind.

"—gotta check it out."

The remote feels cold and heavy, like ice in her hand. In that moment, a selfishness grips her. She could blame Sam. For all if it. Everything that happened, it all started here, and it started because—

—But she can't blame Sam, because the next moment, Danny turns back, his eyes sparkling with an adventurous spirit. It's a spark of curiosity, brimming at the thought of the unknown; a look she's all too familiar with, one she's seen often on her daughter's face, her husband's - even her own, in the mirror.

"You know what? You're right. Who knows what kind of awesome, super cool things exist on the other side of that Portal?"

That curiosity, it's a Fenton trait, not one that needs to be stoked like a fire. That spark's been burning within him, since the cradle.

"Don't go in," she whispers, as if her advice could change the course of history. Even if he could hear her, though, it would be no use. He can no more resist the call than he can resist breathing.

He pulls on the hazmat suit. Skintight, white with black edging. It's like staring at a photo-negative. Watching her son, Maddie's stomach twists.

How couldn't she see it before?

"Alright. I'm going in." He says. His first footsteps echo, loud, in the hollow of the blacked out Portal…

Maddie's breath shudders in. She grips the remote and, before she can stop herself, hits the button.

Rewind.

She watches as her son walks backwards, double-time, out of the entrance to the Portal. The panic that gripped her fades.

"Mads?" From somewhere up above, echoing down the staircase, comes her husband's voice. Maddie is glued to the video screen, and almost doesn't hear him. Regardless, she definitely can't answer. What would she even say?

"Maddie?" His heavy footsteps echo in the stairwell, trudging closer. "Are you down there?"

A hitch in the tape. Maddie presses play.

"Mom and Dad would kill me if they knew I let you down here."

Drawn by the sound, Jack trudges the rest of the way down the narrow staircase. She feels a slight reverberation in the floor when he reaches the landing behind her. She doesn't turn around.

"The police called back. Officer McNally said he'd file a missing persons report, and they promised to keep their eyes open. But—" she hears the way uncertainty causes his voice to die in his throat when she doesn't turn to greet him. After a long moment of silence, he draws up to her side. "What are you watching?" he asks at last.

"It kinda just… fizzled out. I hope they're not too upset."

Question. He'd asked a question. Maddie swallows and struggles to answer. "Security tapes," she chokes out.

Understanding, an incomplete kind, dawns on Jack, and vigor jumps back into his bones. "Mads, that's brilliant!" he booms. "Why didn't I think of it? He comes into the lab all the time! We can use the security tapes to see when he last—"

"I found this tape in Danny's room," she interrupts.

Again, his voice falters in confusion.

"Under the bed," she elaborates, as if that will help. And continues watching, detached.

"Can we get out of here now? My parents could be back any minute."

The flickering light of the tv fills the lab, ominous in its glow. Jack hesitates. Maybe he's picked up on the subtext by now. Maddie can picture his eyes drifting from the staticy screen to the items in front of it, scattered across the table. He reaches out fro the shoebox sitting beside the tv. Taped to its front, written in the cursive, unmistakable scrawl of their son's handwriting, is a note that reads:

'If I Never Come Home'

"Maddie, what is this." Jack's voice is uncharacteristically heavy. Looking to her for guidance. For answers.

For once, she has none to give.

"Watch," Maddie whispers, still trapped by the screen. Automatic, her fingers hit the button.

Rewind.

With no other options to grasp at, he does.

"Mom and Dad would kill me if they knew I let you down here."

Watches as the kids approach the Portal.

"Aren't you curious?"

Watches as their son zips up the hazmat suit.

"Alright, I'm going in."

Watches as he disappears into the empty cavity of their greatest invention.

Click.

Watches as it thrums to life, with a scream.

"Da—Danny no!" Jack yells in tandem with the two remaining teens. He lurches forward, hand outstretched, to stop the agony onscreen. "He's not - when did he -"

"It's old, Jack," Maddie whispers. "From when the Portal started working."

Jack spins to stare at her. "You mean - Danny's the one who—" he's visibly struggling with the information, the same way she did, on her first viewing. "But—he never said—"

Right, Madie thinks. He never said anything. Jack's confusion is laughable, though. Why Danny never told them—that much is painfully clear.

"Guys?" Over the yelling and the panicking and the electric cackle from the Portal, their son's terrified voice cuts through the din. "G-guys help, what's happening?!"

Tucker and Sam are black silhouettes stumbling backwards from a swirling green glow, but they freeze and scramble to right themselves, lurching forward to catch someone as he stumbles through the gate.

Phantom - Danny - emerges from the portal, falling to his knees.

"…No," Jack says. Disbelief is thick in his voice. "That can't be… no."

Maddie lifts the remote.

Rewind.

A flash of light. A curdling scream. A shock of confusion, panic, scramble.

Danny Phantom stumbles from the portal.

Jack stares for a long time. Then he reaches out, snatching the lid of the shoebox for a second look at the evidence. The note, accusatory, stares back at them.

"This is how he tells us." Jack doesn't often whisper, but it seems like he can't do anything else. Her husband looks at the empty shoebox, the screen, the VCR. "Our son is Danny Phantom, and this is how he tells us. I…" he trails off.

Maddie almost can't believe it, how easily Jack arrives at the conclusion. It took her twelve viewings for her to wrap her mind around it, and it still hasn't really sunk in. But then, that's always been Jack's strong poing - those intuitive leaps of logic. Ones every scientist both loathed and envied.

"Did it kill him?" he moves seamlessly onto the next question that tripped her. Somehow, Jack's voice is even quieter this time.

Maddie shakes her head no. If they watch the video long enough, about ten minutes in, Danny manages to change his way back to human. If their invention did kill him, it wasn't permanent. Not that time, at least.

She's too close to thinking about it.

Rewind.

"But—" she can't stop Jack from thinking, though. He barrels on, heedless of breaking the fragile grasp Maddie has on her sanity. "But if all this time — Phantom—"

A hitch in the tape.

"We've been—"

Press play.

"Mom and Dad would kill me if they knew I let you down here."

"—Don't tell me we've been trying to waste our own kid—"

If Maddie weren't so detached, she might laugh. Waste. God, he can't even say it.

"Trying?" she asks instead. Bitter, the word sticks to her tongue.

She's not looking at the tape now. She's looking at him. And Jack, oh, Jack, he just stares down at her, a dark horror growing in his eyes.

He whips around to look at the bloodied weapons sitting at the base of the stairs.

Exactly where they left them two days ago, after that nasty ghost fight. When they came home to find a broken house, their daughter crying at the kitchen table, and their son just - gone.

"No." Jack backs up a step. "No no no no no no no—"

A flash of light. A curdling scream—

In an instant, Jack is moving. He snatches up weapons, whatever he can find, and bolts for the staircase, vaulting his way up to ground floor. Distantly, Maddie hears the doors slam. The RV thrumming to life. The screech of tires as Jack peels out of the driveway.

In the cold wake of his departure, Maddie turns back to the tv. She should go after him, she knows. But she's not quite done watching. Jack's always been a man of action, after all, but she's the analytical one, who studies, who marvels, who gathers the facts she sees.

Phantom, onscreen, slumps against his friends while he drips ectoplasm to the floor. He stares down at his white-gloved hands, his glowing green eyes wide in shock. Maddie wonders if he knew, then, what would become of him. What his parents, who raised him, who swore to protect him, would do.

She can't face those questions. Not yet. Not yet. Instead, she lifts the remote.

And rewinds.

A good scientist, a rational scientist, never draws conclusions while she's still gathering evidence. So as long as she's still watching—

A hitch in the tape. She's at the beginning. Maddie presses play.

"Mom and Dad would kill me if they knew I let you down here."

As long as she keeps watching, she doesn't have to do anything with this information. All she has to do is watch.

So she watches. She rewinds. And she plays. She can't look away—

"Mom and Dad would kill me if they knew I let you down here—"

She doesn't dare.

"Mom and Dad would kill me if they knew I let you down h—"

All she can do is rewind—

"Mom and Dad would kill me if they knew I let y—"

And rewind—and rewind—

"Mom and Dad would kill me if—"

Until she finds evidence contrary to her theory…

"Mom and Dad would kill me—"

Or she finds Its inevitable End.

"Mom and Dad would kill me if they knew I let you down here."

Rewind.

"Mom and Dad would kill me if they—"

Rewind.

"Mom—"

Rewind.

"Mom—"

Rewind.

"Mom—"

-

[AO3] [FFN]

[jokeringcutio]

Debunking Arthur Fleck Fluff HC’s

As a reply to questions I have received about Arthur’s ideal partner, his mental state, living with him, and much more, here’s a little background to the darkness in my tales and some thoughts on the matters.

Oh, look, he’s so sweet. So romantic. Such a good boy. He would be such a great boyfriend, such a good partner, such a nice protective father. He just needs cuddles and lots of love.

Welcome to my *essay*.   Ever wondered why my depiction of Arthur Fleck is as gritty and dark as it is in some of my recent fics? Oh yes, I have written fluff and kind fics as well. But here are some reasons why I think that if Arthur Fleck were real, you’d better seek yourself a different guy to fall in love with.

Hold your horses:

1. Arthur Fleck’s mental health issue. 2. He is unpredictable. 3. He doesn’t see reality. 4. His humour is dangerous. 5. You would be emotionally and physically drained. 6. He murders people, including his own mother. What guarantee do you have he won’t kill you or your child? 7. And would you truly want a man like that to be the father of your children?

Warnings: This post contains sensitive content, such as topics of self-harm. Be aware of this and decide whether you wish to continue reading or click this away. This is purely explaining my own experiences and how they effect my view, explaining rather than convincing you how I got to this point of view I use in some of my darker fics.

My main points: 

Let’s break it down.

1. Arthur has a real bad mental health issue, which is said to involve self-harm, negative thinking, hurting himself, hurting others, having delusions. Now why would that be a bad thing that you can’t overcome? - I’ve seen a large amount of Joker fans on Tumblr thinking that if they were there, they could help fix Arthur. And perhaps, they could. If they can, Arthur would not transform into Joker. But realistically, he would still need to take his medicine every day to keep his mindset as docile as it is at the start of the film. _ > Dangers: People who are on meds for their mental health have the tendency to, once they feel normal and happy, stop using their medicines and have a relapse. Which is very hard to see and you will have to use all your energy to help them back on track. _> A medicine can stop working. A mum of a friend of ours had this happen to her, where she became immune to her meds and had tried so many, some being taken off the market, others losing their effect after months or years of usage. She was tired of having to go through the whole process of finding a new one that worked. When it stopped being effective, she killed herself. _> A medicine can be taken off market. And whenever something happens to the meds, will your love be enough to keep Arthur standing tall? Because it might be bad luck, but the instances I have seen where people have had a serious case of reoccurring depression, or borderline syndrome, it always ended with the loved ones, despite giving it their all (their time, losing their jobs loving and taking care of them, their money, all of their possessions, their body and their soul, giving up friendships, other family members and what not), only to end up with it never being enough. That is to say, yes, there are many different mental conditions and each has different levels  of severity. That is to say, every level can be severe, but while some give hope that the person suffering from it can function normally, or can find happiness, I think with all that the film has shown us, Arthur is at such a stage that we can assume it will not be cured miraculously. And you should wonder if anything you do could ever be enough.

2 & 3. He’s unpredictable. 

This is part of his mental health issue. He has delusions as we noticed from the film. He doesn’t see reality. He imagines an entire relationship with his neighbour, who makes it quite clear she hardly knows the guy.

_> Danger: No matter what you do, you have no grip on the image he has of you in his mind. His reality differs from whatever it is you do. It will put you in immediate danger. -- Now why is this a terrible, terrible problem? Someone very close to me has mental issues and delusions. So I have first-hand experience. It is frightening! For years on end I have been careful about what to say, never to say something that will upset them, always say yes to whatever suggestion they give. Even if it ruins your own life. Even if they tell you all sorts of things that are wrong with you, or with people you love. You accept it out of fear because they are so instable and you want to help them forward. To give them the space they need, to look after them in times of need. And it is FRIGHTENING. Because this person I know changes personalities as well. In a way that we can argue Arthur changes personalities when he becomes Joker, but this person I know has over ten personalities and you never know who is coming out next. One personality is capable of doing normal grown-up things, the next is a small child, but all of them are angry, jealous and mean. -> Which is a big difference with Arthur. Let me make it clear now, I don’t think Arthur falls in this multiple personality disorder category. There’s a clear transition between him and Joker, possibly helped by the lack of medicine available and the effects of it waning. Arthur is unstable and unreliable because of what his own mind makes him perceive, not necessarily for being different personalities in one body.

To expand on my personal experience: This person imagines the weirdest and scariest things and to them, this is reality. Now this person is a very extreme case I won’t expand on, but they see things that didn’t happen. In a quiet room, they imagine a fight. People talking about the weatherforecast are in their mind plotting this persons death. Someone showing kindness is often in their mind someone doing something horrid or lewd and they can flip about it and shout, and throw stuff, and cause a whole scene. 

So yes, no matter how kind you will be to Arthur Fleck, if his reality of you watching television is a contorted delusion of you telling him you want to walk out on him, and he places you inside his ‘bad people’ box, you might be up next for the chop. It’s how family drama’s occur, it’s one of the reasons why some people kill their loved ones because they don’t want them to get together with someone else, or live without them. Only, you don’t even have to actually want to walk away from him. He just needs to imagine it and your safety is gone. Another thing I like to think this person I know and Arthur might have in common is the obsessive and possessive way they would deal with partners. This person slowly made a web around their partner, isolating them from friends and family, making them even have to give up their job for them. They control their mobile, their email, stalk them online, send messages out of their partner’s name. Nothing that reaches the partner hasn’t run by this person, and this person takes their partner out of groups without telling them. They control everything of this persons live, and it grew so silently, so slowly, that the partner didn’t notice until it was too late. And now the partner doesn’t care. No one matters to them, no one except this person who they try with all their might to keep happy.. Which is incredibly sad. Because we can see the partner fading away, ill, unwell, with little to no joy left. And that is the bleak reality I have been faced with and still am faced with. And which I can’t ignore when looking at Arthur. The idea that he too could and would slowly create a web around the one who has taken his fancy, isolates them, makes them dependant and care only for his well-being.  4. A sign why he is dangerous. His jokes include murder, giving a glimpse of his brain. And though some might find his morbid humour funny, how would you feel if you were happily married, had a beautiful son you loved dearly, and someone would say “knock knock, your son is dead” and hold up the dead body of your son. Because think about it, his humour isn’t just humour. His humour is part of his fantasy, it is part of what he starts doing. It is a mirror of the darkness in his mind. And we have seen reasons why the murders he commit can be ‘justified’. But if you have to be realistic, can any murder be justified? A murder is still a murder, still bad. He still kills people. People we happen to know little about except that they took the piss off someone (or did they? read the note underneath this paragraph). But they have family members, friends, a mother and father. They have people who love them, who wait for them at home. How would you feel if your child, your brother or sister, your best friend, your lover, would not arrive home one day because someone thought they were bad because they ...let’s say... accidentally bumped against them in the street, or happened to look them in the eye, and were killed for it because the one they bumped against or looked at thought it was his right to do so. You would not laugh about it. You would be fucking livid.

- note: As the film is an account by Arthur, do we even know if the guys on the train actually abused him? What if they were just minding their own business and Arthur imagined being struck down by them? I mean, we do see bruises on his body, but it is his ambiguous account. Has anyone considered the possibility that the abuses took all place in Arthur’s head and he killed these men because of his own fantasy running wild and dark and morbid? I don’t think it went this way (I mean, there’s the textual evidence of Arthur having been abused in the past and what-not), but suppose for a moment that even that evidence is what came from his mind as he tells the tale, his reality. In a way we can’t trust anything that we’ve seen in the film..... 5. Ever lived with a borderliner? Then you will know how draining it is emotionally and physically. (Now, if you are diagnosed or consider yourself a borderliner don’t instantly take offence. I am talking about severe cases here, and as always there are gradations. And I do hope for you and everyone who loves you that your gradation isn’t as bad as the one I am about to describe. And if it feels it is, know you ARE LOVED.) Because if you know Borderliners you know this: They are usually the most glorious people you’ll ever meet. They shine bright, you can’t help but to instantly fall in love with them. And as such, I have never understood why they feel the need to be this self-destructive or why they never seem to understand how much they hurt all those around them who love them. But I’m not here to dwell on the hows and why’s and my own thoughts and experiences in this. I bring this up because people who are self-destructive, they suck the energy out of their loved ones. Or rather, if you love someone who wants to hurt themselves, it is emotionally draining. Because every time they want to hurt themselves, it feels like you failed, like you are not enough to them either. You can try to help them, keep them on track, and they can use your energy to keep standing. And with some people it works, with others unfortunately not as much. But now take Arthur Fleck who is an extreme case. He wants to hurt himself as well. You need to keep in mind that you will have to use every trick up your sleeve to stop him. Often. It can be little things as well. It can just be that he feels down and you have to tell him things to make him see the bright side again. But keep in mind, this won’t be once. This might be several times a day. It can be he has had a delusion that upsets him. You will have to put time and energy in to get him out of his dark mindset continuously. And if he’s anything like people I have experienced in the past, you might expect for him to bring extra drama when you’ve gone out and have a fun day, or part of a day, without him. Because he will be jealous, or feel left out, and he will probably have ruined the pans in the kitchen and burnt his own food and without words show you that you actually can’t leave. He might make hurtful or embarrassing comments when other people are around and his behaviour might scare of others, slowly isolating you from your friends. Until you are dependent on him, and constantly busy with him. And constantly trying to help him exist, and be sort of normal and sort of happy. Or in the worst case, you are constantly trying to keep all triggers away that will make him relapse and fall back into his dark thoughts. From experience, you’d think no one can handle that for long. But reality is that quite often, they persist, because they love the other THAT MUCH. Even if the one they love doesn’t understand, doesn’t seem to see, how much they sacrifice for them. But almost always they stick together till the end. And people can last for years like this. Years and years. It would count for you too.  Once you’re in, you don’t want to get out because of your love for him. But you are constantly tired, you are isolated, you miss all the opportunities life offers you, you are always setting aside everything to make sure Arthur won’t flip. And even then, he flips. Constantly. But you don’t see how odd the live is that you stumbled into. After several years of slowly slipping into this life, you don’t see reality anymore. You don’t see what you miss. You are just surviving. And taking his hand to survive along.

That is what I have seen and still see. That is the basis on which I analyse a character like Arthur Fleck. That is why I can’t imagine you could have a truly happy ever after with him. 6. But worse than what I am witnessing in real-life, where the person I know who reminds me of Arthur’s mental quirks a lot is known for talking about murder, is the fact that we know Arthur Fleck is actually capable of it. And we also know that no matter what you do, if something in his brain makes the flip and he suddenly thinks bad of you, you might be up the chopping block next. This has nothing to do with whether or not he loves you. At this point we assume his love for you is real, it is strong, it is probably a lot like an obsession because once he has found you he doesn’t want to let you go again. And if he so much suspects you want to leave him, he might just make the choice that you won’t get away from him. Or if he thinks you have turned against him, what then? So consider this, are you truly save with this man? Because I don’t think you are. 7. Now, you have chosen to risk all above. You help Arthur take his meds and they work. He is sort of stable. He has his occasional sudden outbreaks where he is upset, tries to harm himself, laughs uncontrollably, and if he’s fine he makes morbid jokes. And you want a family with him because hormones and all of that stuff. Now imagine you are a child and you grow up in this small flat. Imagine it like this: You grow up. Now replace Arthur as your father with someone you don’t find physically attractive. Replace him with your own real life dad for instance. Imagine that you are born from your actual parents, but you live in a crappy small flat and your father wastes his money mostly on cigarettes (so the place stinks, but hey, if you can stand it kuddos). Imagine that your father has this laugh like Arthur, whenever he is upset. It comes out at random and sometimes unexpected times. And since you grew up with it, it frightens you, because it means your father is either sad or angry. And a kid’s initial reaction is they want their parents to be happy, so if a parent cries they cry along. It’s imbedded in children. Your father being upset upsets you too. He’s unpredictable and suffers from moodswings. One moment, he smiles at you and says he is proud of something you did, the next he is angry and shouting. Sometimes he snaps at you for something you didn’t do. A lot of the times he ignores you as he’s caught up in his own mind.  When you are smaller, it is easier for him to be around you and he doesn’t show his ugly side as much, but when you grow older it gets worse. He is so familiar with you and your mom that he shows his bad side, his sadness, his irrational side, all of it, whenever he wants to. How will that make you feel? Scared? Uncertain? Not worthy perhaps, because of the way he snaps at you and blames you for things you didn’t do? Scared to say the wrong thing, to react in the wrong way. But as you grow up you discover that there is no right way to say things. When he is in one of his moods whatever you say is wrong, because a lot of the things are going on in his mind and he won’t or can’t share them with you. Sometimes you think he doesn’t like you because he’s distant, you can’t get him to respond to you and you might think he ignores you. He puts a lot of attention on himself with his unpredictable mood changes and the way he can be very dramatic about wanting to die, which can come out of nowhere and gives you the feeling you, as a kid, are not good enough. And it SUCKS. It sucks to feel that way. To be scared of your own parent all of the time. To be scared of what you say to him, what you do.

But the bright side, when you grow older you recognise parts of him in you. And if you can get through to him, he will recognise them too. And when you reach your twenties you’ll be able to talk. At first, it won’t be easy. But when it is, it is because you say you understand how he feels and you describe it to him so well, he believes you are pretty much a failure like him. He will say so in his own words. And you will accept it, but you won’t think you are a failure. Not anymore. Because you learnt how upsetting his behaviour can be, and you’re determined not to be that way. You show some of the symptoms, but not nearly as bad as him. And he reflects himself on you, thinks you are worse than you are, sees himself when he looks at you and takes it for a fact. Another of his delusions in which you play along because finally, finally, you two can connect.

You’d be so thrilled to leave the house and move to a place of your own.

Anyway.

 TLDR;   

-        Accept the fact that you can’t change Arthur, which also means you can’t erase his negative thoughts.

-        Would you be safe in this relationship? If you can’t control the reality he makes in his mind, and he actually starts murdering people, who can guarantee he won’t kill you next?

-        Even if you don’t care dying by his hands, the relationship will probably be physically and emotionally draining for you.

-        Still want to settle down? Do the test: Imagine your own father in Arthur’s role, behaving his way.

 In conclusion: I don’t think anyone would live a happy live with Arthur Fleck. I think probably the most stable relationship, that will last the longest and have some semblance of a happy life, would be with a partner who is quiet, innocent, unexperienced, and who would sacrifice everything to keep him from tumbling into his dark mind. And he will tumble, even with all the best efforts. And it will still be a tiring, numbing and draining experience. But such relationships do exist in the real world, and unfortunately, I am still witnessing one that has been going on for years. And that’s why, I can’t see, from this distance, how anyone would be happy with the character of Arthur Fleck. He is too far gone. On the aspect of love: I feel I need to make it clear that love is, in all cases above, not a point of issue. Love will not diminish because someone has troubles of body or mind. For this, I imagined the love between Arthur and the other, both-sided. And no matter the hardships, I believe that once love is there it won’t falter. By the way he might ensnare you it might even feel as if it’s deepened, strengthened. And if you recognise yourself in some of the points I have mentioned above but struggle with yourself or your feelings, then know that no matter what ails you, there will always be someone who can love you, and health issues don’t equal the end of relationships. Not at all. From what I have seen, most partners stick by their loved one till the end. So don’t ever think that you could not find love for having a ‘fault’, or for simply being somehow different.

On my personal view of Arthur: He is still hot as f*ck though and I understand fully why people wanna tap that arse >) Arthur Fleck is a character that has not only his appearance going for him, but also all the mystery and complexity that make him interesting to write, read and fantasize about. Joaquin brought something alluring to the character, not just by the dubious glances and the paradoxical character he is playing (sweet and helpful caretaker versus revenge seeking murderclown), but the fraility of his character, both his emaciated body and his compassionately brought complicated emotions, are enough to lure anyone in. Because he makes us believe he is vulnerable. And he makes us want to get out there and hug him. While at the same time, all of us know that he can stand up for himself and that he is stronger than you would have given him credit for at the start of the film. And I believe, his character of Arthur Fleck / Joker would be stronger than most of us clown lovers. But that will not detain me. And I will continue to write about him doing smutty things and stuff, just because I can. And I will fantasize good things happening to him, and him being fluffy and ok as well, and write that down too. But in reality, we all know it probably wouldn’t be ok. Hence why I bestow you a few Dark Arthur Fics to balance against the pile of fluff I occassionally drown myself in. We can’t take just the good side of him, when there’s the complicated less prettier side to take into account as well. And perhaps, perhaps I can show us that we can love him for it just the same. We’ll see....

. . . .

And now I pose the question to you: We base a lot in life on assumptions. We are extra sensitive to the emotions of those we love the most. Keeping all this in mind, Can you truly be happy with Arthur Fleck?

[hamilkilo]

If Apples Were Pears and Peaches Were Plums, I’d Love You Just the Same

Prompt: I know there’s been a lot of fat shaming and stuff of the like but people fail to realize that people also get shamed for being too flat (ex. No butt, no chest). I fall into that category, so can I please get a poly!hamilsquad x reader where the reader is feeling a little insecure about being so small?

Pairing: Poly!Hamilsquad x Reader

TW: body image issues, spicy themes(no sex, still spicy), fluff!!!

A/N: I know that the prompt here implies she/her pronouns, but the reality of body image is that guys are largely unrepresented when it comes to body acceptance. I also feel like this could apply to any pronouns, because the take away is still the same. I really hope y’all like this! As always, if you want me to tag something, please let me know! I want you to feel safe while reading my work! I love y’all! Happy reading!

Word Count: 1758

Body image. Always such a controversial topic. It’s never about the perfect body. It’s always about too fat, too thin, too skinny, too big, to small, too average. You can’t recall a single person you’ve ever met that ever loved themself and the way they looked one hundred percent.

Growing up, you had always been on the rather small side. Your grandmother had called you “nothing but skin and bones” for a majority of your childhood. Your friend’s mom once commented that “a gust of wind might blow you away.” You tried not to let it get to you, but more often than not, it did.

Recently, there had been an uproar of body positivity, a campaign encouraging women to love their bodies, any and every type. You loved the idea of it, but no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t apply it to yourself. Maybe it was because you’d found it so hard to admit it to yourself. After all, men weren’t supposed to feel insecure about their own bodies.

One night, you had been cuddling on the couch with Herc when he ran his thumb over your rubs. He had been softly caressing your side, but when you felt his thumb skirt over the outline of your bones, you tensed and bit your lip. All of your insecurities came to surface. You found yourself pulled away from his embrace.

“You okay, babe?” He asked you with soft eyes, and you shrugged. You tried to play it off. Real men don’t admit their insecurities and shortcomings.

“Yeah, just warm. You’re like a furnace, Herc,” you chuckled, and he grinned bashfully.

“I know… Maybe less clothes would help?” He suggested, and you blushed, your face feeling hot.

“Haha, smooth.”

He rolled his eyes at you, grabbing you and pulling you on top of him as he fell backwards onto the couch. “Thanks, I try to be…”

You placed your hands on his chest to hold yourself up. You felt heated in this situation, your securities being the only things that held you back from ripping his clothes off.

You felt him trace his fingers over the curve of your lower lip, and you met his curious eyes. “What’s running through that beautiful brain of yours, baby?”

You looked down, unsure of admitting it to him, but he brought your chin up and met your gaze.

“You can tell me anything, Y/N.” You bit your lip again.

“I…” How do you say that you hate your body? That a toad couldn’t compare to Adonis? “Herc? Do you ever… Like, have you ever felt self conscious?”

He tilted his head thoughtfully. “Do you mean about my personality, my appearance, my sense of fashion-”

“Appearance,” you mumbled, and you felt his hands gently grip your hips.

“Sometimes, yeah,” he admitted, his thumb skimming beneath the fabric of your shirt. “I mean, I’m a big boy, I know that… I feel like people sometimes find me intimidating… I was always picked first in P.E., but I never wanted to play basketball or be a star on the football team… I just wanted to design clothes… For a long time, my parents found great difficulty in admitting that to themselves, and I did too. Sometimes, it’s hard for people to see a knife that’s useful for anything other than butchering… but it can be elegant, too, ya know? You can use it to cut open a package, cut out a design… it’s useful for more than what it’s meant to do. My hands, although they’re huge and perfect for ball handling, are also gentle enough for a soft caress, and they’re nimble enough for fine detail… Why do you ask?”

His words had moved you, and for a moment, you were lost for words. Your beautiful, perfect Herc, often felt self conscious, it seemed. “I… I sometimes feel like I don’t belong here. Like, I’m not attractive enough to deserve you guys. I’m small, flat, and lanky…”

You went to bury your face in your hands, but he caught your wrists, and then held your hands in his. “Y/N,” he breathed. “You’re nothing but perfect to us, so please don’t ever think otherwise.”

He moved so effortlessly and with such grace as he switched positions, holding you beneath him. His fingers softly traced over the silhouette of your frame. “I love the way your body moves when you reach up for the spice basket from the kitchen shelves…” He pressed a kiss to the hollow of your neck. “I love the way your chest heaves beneath me... “ He chuckled when he felt it. “Just like that.” He slid his right hand under your shirt. “I love the way goosebumps trace down your spine when I do that thing with my tongue you like so much…” You let your head fall back against the couch as he sucked on the sweet spot in your neck. “I love how you look beneath me…” He paused, and you looked up at him. He had pulled back enough for you to make eye contact, and he leaned forward. His lips just a breath away from yours. “But most importantly, I love you. I love you for who you are. You could look any way in the world, and I would love you regardless.”

He pressed his lips to yours then, in a sweet, loving kiss that melted away every dark thought in your mind. When you pulled away, he smiled at you, but a voice behind you interrupted.

“Are we talking about insecurities?” You quickly whipped around to see Alex perched on the arm of the couch, sipping his coffee. How long had he been there?

“Yeah…?” You answered as Herc helped you sit up.

“I overheard while I was in the kitchen refilling my coffee.” He stood and sat the half empty mug down. In Alex time, he hadn’t been there long. Otherwise, the mug would’ve been empty. “Y/N, I know what it is to be small.”

You felt your cheeks burn at the word you hated to much. It sounded like a curse word, the way he said it.

“I mean, I’m hardly 5’6” on a good day,” he added bitterly. “But, when I look at you, I do not think small… I think beautiful, gorgeous, crafted by God, and most importantly and miraculously, mine. I know I cannot erase away your insecurities with words of love, because, believe me, I’ve tried that on my own… But I want you to know that it’s okay to be insecure… Just know that others don’t see you that way. You don’t have to love every aspect of you to love yourself. There’s no pressure on you to ever look perfect. Besides, I find that perfect is pretty subjective to the eye of the beholder, and perhaps I’m biased, but you, my sweet, are the walking definition-” you cut his ramblings off with a kiss, almost knocking him back. You turned him so that his back was to the couch, and you pushed him down, straddling him, and Herc laughed from beside you two.

Things had started to progress past innocent kissing when John and Laf got back from grocery shopping and found you three in a heated make out session.

“Qu’est-ce c’est?” Laf asked as he sat his armful of groceries on the table beside the front door. John copied him, and they both watched in amusement.

“Y/N was feeling self conscious…” Alex admitted, and you swatted his arm. Great, now everyone knew. You didn’t want it to be a big deal.

John frowned, moving towards you. “Well, we can’t have that, now can we?”

“Oh no, Jack, we can’t,” Laf agreed, and they both advanced with predatory grins. Alex pulled away from you, offering no protection, as John scooped you up into his arms. You wrapped your legs around his hips to steady yourself, and he ran his nails down your back tauntingly. You felt Laf behind you, and you leaned back against his chest.

“Tell me, sweetheart, what’s got you down?” John drawled slowly. You tightenned your grip on his shoulders when you felt his hand squeeze your ass.

“I… I’m munchkin height and flat as a board,” you admitted with chagrin, and you looked away in shame. Tears burned your eyes. You’d never said that thought out loud. Not that way.

John growled and jerked your pelvis closer to his. “Well then, in that case, I’m really into munchkins.”

You couldn’t help it, a laugh bubbled from your chest. You’d never expected that reaction. “I’m gonna have to kinkshame ya for that one, Johnny.”

He gave you a cheeky grin. “Kinkshame all ya want, darlin’, that won’t stop me from lovin’ you.” He pressed a kiss to your neck, and you let your head fall back to Laf’s shoulder, and he began to kiss the other side.

“You… ‘appen to be… the perfect size for me to ‘old at night, mon cher,” Laf purred against you, and you bit back a moan.

“And you’re just big enough for all of us to love,” John murmured, and although the sentence was fairly innocent, the way he said it made it sound lewd… and you loved it.

“I love the way your back arches when I kiss this spot here,” John groaned as he pressed his lips to the spot where your shoulder met your neck, and you moaned, pressing back against Laf even harder.

“And I, mon ange, love the way your hips move when I run my hands down your torso,” Laf chuckled as he did exactly what he described, and your body corresponded.

“What… What else do you love about me?” You gasped as they had their way with you. You watched as John glanced devilishly at where you knew your other two boyfriends were.

“I dunno, guys… Should we show him?”

You knew the answer when you felt fingers tug at the hem of your pants.

[footbaliimagines]

confession (a whoever-you-want-it-to-be imagine)

this is a sequel to my other imagine, ‘unrequited’ which you can read here.

----

He used to be a confident guy.

The funny one, the loud one, the life of the party with a permanent smile on his face who was always guaranteed to produce a laugh, an assured smile and a witty comment.

(I mean, just ask any of his club’s supporters or watch one of the many ‘top 10 funny moments’ compilations he had featured in, scattered around Youtube with thousands of views and hundreds more comments.)

Not recently, though.

Recently, smiling had become somewhat of a chore.

He had grown accustomed to feeling those familiar face muscles stirring every time he was in her presence, used to laughing and feeling like a giddy thirteen-year-old with his first crush every time she looked at him or he heard her voice, sweet, gentle, like a song he wanted to play on repeat. But now, the realisation of what could be (or perhaps, what couldn’t) was starker than ever and smiling was a forced, enduring, difficult task that was only to be attempted when a camera was thrust in his face or a fan approached him in the streets.

It was foolish and naïve of him to have faith that this time, things would be different. Surely it was far too optimistic for him to believe that meeting a girl that was so perfect for him would happen easily, to believe that things would miraculously change, like a switch had been flicked, and that his romantic life would suddenly be taken over by a director of a shitty rom com.

He probably should have known better, or at least expected something like this was bound to happen. Her fiancé (the word still left a sour taste in his mouth) was 28, after all, 4 years older than her, and had often expressed his desire to settle down and start a family as soon as possible. He was a soppy, sentimental guy, and he couldn't think of anyone who wouldn't want to be her husband.

(In another universe, he would have put money on the inevitability of their engagement had he not been so hideously over invested.)

And, to make matters worse, he can’t for the life of him think of how he was going to tell her. Start things as normal, exchange meaningless, empty small talk, maybe offer a congratulatory hug on the engagement and then shoot her down and ask her to leave her fiancé?

Probably not his finest idea. Back to the drawing board it was.

Maybe he should just tell her flat out. No frills and no embellishments, just a straight-out confession of his feelings and then taking things as they come from then on.

(But he’s nervous, more nervous than he thinks he’s ever been, and he thinks it might be a better idea to ease into things more subtly, dip his toe and then reassess.)

(Then again, one glance at her and his brain would probably turn to mush.)

It's unfair and he wants to curse the world and blame the universe for what they've done and what they’ve put him through. How fucking cruel, how bloody awful, to introduce somebody like her and to tease him with her presence so often only to tug her away at the last moment, right out of his grasp, eliminating any possibility of a chance with her in the future. Dangling her in front of him in a cruel, torturous taunt. 

(A ‘nice-try-you’re-almost-there-but-not-quite’, a ‘you-thought-you’d-be-able-get-into-a-healthy-happy-relationship-that-easily-haha-jokes-on-you’.)

It’s humid outside, and the sunset gives the whole street a warm, pinkish hue. The streets are busy and people are flurrying back and forward and his new shoes are pinching his toes.

He’s at his local florist’s. It’s the week before Valentine’s Day, so there are roses plastered up and down and across the walls and big pink signs displaying ‘3-for-2 on all Valentine’s flowers! Tell the person you love how you feel with one of our handmade, personalised bunches!’ 

He’s about to throw up.

“Engaged doesn’t mean married. Don’t give up.” The florist, a middle-aged woman with paint-stained dungarees and a kind smile, tells him.

He knows she’s not married yet, knows that just because she said yes to a dumb stupid romantic question it doesn’t mean that all roads will be closed off forever (I mean, he spent the better part of 2015 binge watching all 9 seasons of The Office, and is hoping something akin to Jim and Pam will happen for him), but it’s as close to terrible as things could probably be.

Nevertheless, he smiles gratefully at her and opens his mouth to reply, but nothing comes out. It’s like his throat is lined with sandpaper. “Uh, thanks. I, um-“ He stutters, mind whirling and nerves getting the better of him, so much so that even choking out a broken sentence is too difficult of a task.

“Save your words for her, love, not me.” She says humorously, picking up the bouquet she had been assembling and handing it over to him. “Good luck.”

“Thanks. I’ll need it.”

He’s gripping the flowers in his right hand so forcefully that his knuckles are turning white and the stems are at risk of snapping if his grasp tightens any further. In front of her, he’s absolutely undone. 

And her ring, a shiny band adorned with a single, big diamond in the centre is the first (and only) thing he can focus on when she pulls the door open and grins, pulling him in for a hug.

(She smells like roses and their fingers brush when she takes the flowers from him.)

“Hey! Is everything okay?”

He nods quickly, too quickly. “I brought you these.”

“You didn’t have to bring us anything, you know.” She teases, smiling. “Come through to the kitchen, I’ll go and put these in a vase. Should I stick the kettle on?”

He can only smile in response, fearing that if he opened his mouth the words would just refuse to come. “Tea? Coffee?”

“Uh, water will be fine.”

She sticks the kettle on and pours him a glass, hoisting herself up onto a bar stool, swinging her legs and grinning at him. He mirrors her actions. She’s beautiful, and he’s always known it, but now he can’t look at her without having a weird feeling, a mixture of nerves and tension and nausea, swirling in his gut. He’s always been the kind of person to focus on small things and take pleasure in intricate details, but his enchantment with the tiniest things about her elevates things to another, astronomical level. 

“So, what’s up?” She asks.

“Uh, I was wondering if we could have a chat?” He scratches his jaw.

She quirks her eyebrows, but the smile doesn’t leave her face. “Sure. I’m all ears.”

“So, um, engaged?”

As if by instinct, she glances proudly at her ring and a serene smile fixes on her face.

(It makes the thought of causing everything to crash down in front of her even more difficult to stomach.)

“Crazy, right? Can’t believe it myself.”

He swallows the lump in his throat. “Always wanted to get married?”

To his immense surprise, she snorts and shakes her head. “If you’d told 18-year-old me that I’d be engaged at 23 I would have slapped you. Far more interested in jagerbombs and ways to get guys in clubs to buy drinks for me.”

“Hm.”

“I mean, I know he wants to get married soon because he’s quite a few years older than me, and all that. Maybe kids. Well, I think they’re definitely part of his future. But I don’t know.”

She shudders, and only then does it become glaringly obvious that she’s just not right for him. Four years’ age difference is a long time. It meant different goals, different aims, different time frames. All in all, a bad fit.

(He would be a much better match for her.)

“Do you not want that?”

“I don’t know.”.

“Any reason why?”

“No reason. It’s just…weird. The thought of marriage is weird.”

“Weird how?”

“God, are you interrogating me?” She teases, crossing her arms across the chest.

His eyes are darting around the room like wildfire and his face is burning up, unable to settle on her gaze. She feels her face turn hot. “No,” he splutters, humiliated.

She lets out a small, nervous laugh and is just about to reply when the kettle pings. “What did you want to talk about? Wait, no- please don’t ask for the proposal story. I’ve already told my mum twice and all of my female relatives and my girlfriends about sixty-five times. If I have to do it again I think I might commit.”

He forces himself to chuckle, gritting his teeth as he fights back from telling her that there is nothing he wants to do less than listen to the story of how that ring ended up on her finger. “Hey, um, can I speak to you about something? Properly, I mean?”

“Oh, now I know what this is about.” There’s a glint in her eyes and he cocks his head at her. “Is this about when you want to rematch me at 8 ball pool?”

He lets out a breath and chokes out a stifled laugh. “Because I’m totally up for that. We could do it now, actually, if you wanted to! I just bought a new cue, and since discovering back spin my game has improved drastically, and- ”

“I just…I…”

“Hm?”

It’s like his voice is caught in his throat. “I- I…I’m in love with you.”

Her mouth falls open just a fraction, and he can feel his eyes sting with tears.

It’s been silent for too long, she hasn’t even made eye contact with him yet and he can envision it all in his brain. Rattled off responses of how much she values his friendship, excuses as to why nothing can happen, rehearsed and bullshit cliché sentences about how he has no idea how much of a great friend he is and why she truly hopes they can move past this together.

And he wants to be able to prepare himself, to think of alternatives and solutions in his brain and ways that maybe this won’t end horrifically, but he’s hit a dead end and all he can focus on is everything crashing down in front of him.

(He can’t help but think that there isn’t any way, other than taking her in his arms and kissing her and making everything feel better, that this could end well.)

“What?” Her voice has been reduced to a whisper.

“I just….I can’t go another day without telling you. And I know this is terrible timing and I probably seem like a huge prick but finding out that you were engaged was fucking….fucking- fuck, I can’t even find the word for it. But it was shit, and it made me realise that I need you to know, more than anything. Regardless of the outcome. I just have to tell you.” His voice cracks and his eyes well with tears and she begins to fiddle with that stupid goddamn ring in front of her waist.

She falls silent again, chewing on her bottom lip as he watches her eyes well with tears. A single droplet gathers in the corner of her eye and threatens to fall down her cheek, and it takes all the self-restraint in the world to stop himself from reaching forward to wipe it away.

“Please say something.” He speaks hoarsely.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Something. Anything.”

“Look-“ She begins to speak and he can tell from her tone of voice it’s not going to end well. “You’re a great friend. To me, and to him. And I appreciate you more than you know, I swear, and-“

“I think I should go.”

“You don’t have to leave.” She reaches out to grab his arm and he leaps away from her touch as if being burnt. “Please, stay.”

“I don’t know what you want from me.” He says, exasperated. “I just want an answer. Please.”

Her face breaks out into a soft, sad smile, and her eyes are welling with tears. She looks up at him and tucks her hair behind her ear. “Thank you for telling me.”

Her voice and demeanour changes. He drops his voice. “But?”

“I can’t.” She croaks.

“Can’t? Or won’t?”

“Can’t do this.”

He presses, “Do what? Be with me? Talk to me?”

“I can’t marry him.”

He feels his stomach drop.

“I’m really sorry. I think you should leave.”

 --

A.N.: i’m back!!!! finally written and uploaded the (much requested) second part of unrequited!! i really thought i’d be able to wrap everything up in one more piece but i couldn’t fit the above part and the ending (most of which is already written) into one piece and make it seem realistic at the same time if that makes sense. plus I really really really want this series (probably not the right word??) to have a happy ending (it will do, i promise!!!) and I wasn’t sure how to squeeze his feelings about the proposal & him confessing & her breaking it off with her fiancé & a happy ending all in one.

part 3 (jesus christ i’m dragging this on) should be up in the next few days because the bulk of it is already written!!!

(can you see how inspired I was by jim and pam and the office lol….took heavy inspo from pam’s response to jim and what michael said to jim too haha)

please give feedback as always and say hello or send in requests here & have a nosy at my masterlist if you can!!!

millie xxx