#starkerbattleshipro1

[monster-cock69]

we'll be perfect

AO3 link here

Pairings: Peter x Tony

Tags: Future AU, Wholesome As Fuck, Adoption, Accidental Baby Acquisition

Warnings: None

Rating: Teen

Summary:

Peter had gotten used to his mundane life. He woke up, had breakfast in bed, watched reality shows, and repeated. Becoming parents was their next step. Naturally, they had to do it in the least mundane way possible.

Over time, Peter had come to appreciate the lack of excitement in his life. Sure, he’d looked forward to downtime, but eventually, the itch to go back into the world and do something would overcome him and he’d be swinging out of the nearest window. 

Today, his biggest goal was to stay in bed as long as possible and catch up on trashy reality shows. 

They’d already binged more than they could count, and Peter found yelling at horny people was more fun than getting annoyed at medical or procedural inaccuracies. 

In front of him, Aunt May’s contact took up a corner of the television as JARVIS announced the incoming call. 

“Answer it, JARVIS.”

“Peter I have good news and bad,” she rushed out, “bad news is Tony’s going to have to buy some cops. Good news is I got you a baby.” Her voice trembled with nerves, and he nearly couldn’t hear her over the sounds of screaming and shouting in the background. The loudest, most unmistakable sound though was that of a wailing baby. 

He opened his mouth to respond, at a loss for words. Then the call cut out. 

Tony was already throwing clothes at him as he half stumbled, half hopped out of his pajamas. His hair was sticking up in all sorts of directions, and Peter knew he hadn’t brushed his teeth yet.

“Well, you know, they say to be careful what you wish for.” 

“JARVIS is printing out our paperwork, Pete, and I already have him calling Agent Junior. It’ll be an all hands on deck sort of thing.”

“Did you call the lawyers?”

“Nah, they might just complicate things. Plan is SHIELD realizes they can’t put the kid in foster care and we come in to save the day.” 

“Look,” he said after noticing Peter’s worry, “no matter what we’ll be okay. Right? We’ve always been.”

Peter ran his hands through his hair, trying his best to pretend he was calm. Tony’s plan would probably work but there were too many ways it could go wrong. They’d been cleared by both an adoption agency and ACS but the publicity of – them really – made things slow going and higher-ups weary.

“We’ll be perfect,” he said in lieu of the truth. 

Downstairs, the car that Peter had learned to ignore was in the front, ready to go. Tony had taken the same type of car that SHIELD used and somehow made it even safer. It had top-of-the-line crash protection and enough airbags to make it float. 

What he’d really been ignoring, though was the car seat fastened in the back. 

“J, transfer Junior.”

“Look, I don’t know what the fuck kind of deal you had with the last guy, but I’m not helping you steal a baby out of the hospital.”

“Jack, we wouldn’t have gotten that call for no reason.” Tony bit out, pulling onto the street, “That kid’s got some sort of powers or something else going on with it. Get your ass to LIJ and do your job.”

“Tony–”

“You got a real way of talking to people you want favors from. And you’re lucky the hospital’s security cam footage came up. Kid was a safe surrender.”

Tony shot the speaker a dirty look and flipped off the red light camera as they waited for Agent Jones to elaborate. 

“I’m flying in,” he said after a beat, “I’ll be there in a few. But, if SHIELD’S getting involved, you know the kid’ll have to at least get classified before you can go home with it.”

Tony opened his mouth to retort, knuckles going white from clenching the steering wheel. 

Then Jack cut the line.

“Looks like we’re getting the band back together,” Tony sighed, “cause those doctors are not touching that fucking kid.”

“JARVIS, get Bruce on the line,” Peter said instead of replying. 

It went to voicemail. 

“JARVIS, try Strange.”

“JARVIS, absolutely not. We’re not calling the wizard.” 

“JARVIS, just call him.”

The call went through as they haphazardly avoided an accident with a school bus. 

As the phone rang, he shot Tony a look. If his husband took control of this call things could end badly.

“I’m not doing you any favors, Stark.”

“How about doing me and a soon-to-be Stark a favor?”

“Did your husband finally figure out the secret to cisgender male pregnancy?”

“Not yet, but a baby was just surrendered at LIJ and is showing extreme signs of powers–”

“I’m not a pediatrician.”

“We just need you to do the classification tests. SHIELD doctors aren’t exactly welcoming.”

“I’m upstate, either get me a jet or–.” 

“JARVIS’ll get something, sit tight and we’ll see you soon,” Tony interjected.

“And thank you,” Peter finished. Predictably, Strange hung up as soon as he could.

“So we’re parents now,” Tony announced.

“Are you hoping for a gender?” 

“I’m just hoping it’s cute and doesn’t melt my face off.” 

“We’ve already got the room ready at least– oh fuck.”

The entire block was flooded with police cars, and what looked like a SWAT team was trying to maneuver through the thick traffic. 

Half of the cars didn’t have any lights on and it looked like most of the hospital was dark. A few of the cars had crashed but there didn’t seem to be signs of a serious pile-up.

At the center of the melee was former police captain George Stacy, holding a bullhorn and wearing – of all things, a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts.

He turned toward them, then shouted at the other officers to let the car through. 

“Thought you were retired,” he called toward Tony.

“And I thought you were retired.”

The former captain made a meh sound, then waved dismissively at them. 

“Park over there and fix this mess, please,” As Tony went to do so, he caught sight of Peter, “Still don’t like you, Parker.”

“Love you more, Sir.”

For a second, it was almost easy. Walking through the chaos and shouldering past whoever tried to get in their way was familiar in a way that almost nothing else was these days. The cops hated him as much as they always did, and people were equally relieved and apprehensive about seeing them. It was easy. 

Until he got to the small janitor’s closet just outside of the NICU. The power on that floor had been entirely cut, so there were no actual patients there, only increasingly annoyed cops and a small congregation of SHIELD agents. 

Agent Jones – who would likely dream of slitting their throats tonight – pounded on the door in front of him. 

“Alright, your saviors are here now. You can open up.” 

“Send me Peter!” She retorted. 

He ignored the dirty looks and shouldered through. He and the NYPD had always had a strained relationship. 

When he entered the room, May was holding a tightly wrapped and peacefully sleeping bundle. 

“A woman just came and dropped her off, said she couldn’t deal with her anymore. We got her hooked up to the monitors, and the second she was uncomfortable fuses started blowing. I didn’t know who else to call.” 

“We made a bunch of calls. Those SHIELD guys are our’s, and we’ve got Strange coming in to take a look at her. SHIELD’ll expedite the paperwork, and she’ll be home with us by tonight.”

“She’ll be alright?” 

Peter stared at the baby’s wrinkled brow, listened to her snuffling breaths, and felt something in his chest loosen.

“She’ll be perfect.”