#standing on a crumbling cliff and drowning are the two constant moods

[pumpkinsouppe]

I absolutely love art school but I also feel like this 24/7 T-T

[lilyharvord]

Can u please do a chapter of song of fire from Cal's perspective? Maybe when he finds out she's pregnant? That would be awesome thx.

AHHHH I COULDN’T IGNORETHIS!!!!! (Honestly finals have been a bitch to me and I needed a break so I did this). I miss this AU too much…

A Song of Fire (Part 2From Cal’s POV)

It’s hard to say whatirritates me more. Evangeline’s constant unsteady stare, or my grandmother’sdisapproving look. Either one of those is probably enough to dampen any mood Ifelt at the moment. I wasn’t even sure what to feel. It had been months since Ihad last seen her, and I wasn’t entirely sure I was prepared to see her, notafter what had happened the last time we had seen each other. 

Davidson had been verytight lipped about the whole thing. He had refused to answer any questions Imight have had. The silent treatment had been worse than anything though. I’dhad nightmares the entire night leading up to this meeting. I hadn’t been ableto sleep, twisting and turning like a man possessed. What would she tell metoday? Would she tell me that it was officially over, that there was no hope?That I was on my own? Maybe that was why Davidson had been so silent about thewhole thing. Maybe that was why I had been denied any information about themeeting at all. 

Islowly turned to glance out at the crumbling buildings, at the shatteredwindows of the Rift’s town. This place had been hit hard a long time ago,during the nuclear bombings before the rise of the empires of the Lakelands,Norta, and Piedmont. The people that used to live in this town had beenmoved to other locations. I had seen them in my few trips down to the towns. Theyhad dark sunken eyes, and rail thin bodies, and spirits that were almostnon-existent. It was stomach crunching to put it mildly. And it just remindedme that the Samos’ could not sit on the throne of Notra. That was Notra’sfuture if they put me seven feet under before the end of the war. For thatreason, I had trouble sleeping as well. Sometimes, I heard Larentia’s pantherpacing outside my door, and on those nights, I usually laid awake, looking atthe ceiling, wondering if tonight would be the night they decided they didn’tneed me anymore.

“Iwill speak with this little rag tag group first.” I glanced up at mygrandmother’s words. Her lips were drawn in a tight line of disgust as she spokeof them. It had taken a lot of convincing on my part to get her to even so muchas agree to let me come out to this meeting. She had argued to bring them backto the Palace of the Rift and to meet with them there. I had argued that it wasbetter to meet at a more neutral space. The transmission from Piedmont had statedthat Mare wanted to speak with me privately, and talking with her in the palacewould be the opposite of that. Every single word we spoke would probably berecorded and used against us. I couldn’t put her in that position, not aftereverything else she had been through.

“Marewanted to speak with me, she won’t be happy if you walk out there.” I repliedstiffly, earning a glare from my grandmother who simply sniffed in distaste andsaid, “You’re going to be king Cal. I know that things have been different foryou over the past year and a half, but the faster you acclimate to the properdecorum again, the better.”

Iopened my mouth to argue, only to close it quickly and look back out thewindow. It was no use arguing with her, she would throw the same arguments outover and over again. I was tired of arguing with her, tired of arguing witheveryone. It was always one battle after another, and I wasn’t sure I had it inhim for one more right now. All I wanted right now was to see Mare. It reallydid not matter if she was a hissing, spitting ball of fury, I just needed tosee her.

Thecar came to a stop, and brushing off the pants of her uniform, my grandmotheropened the door. I went to follow her, but her arm barred my path, and shesmiled softly before saying, “Wait here.”

“Theywon’t try anything; she just wants to speak to me.” I spoke stiffly, but mygrandmother simply narrowed her eyes and closed the door in my face. Evangelinetrailed after her, glancing back at me only once. They argued with each otherfor a few minutes, from what I could tell before they turned the corner intothe park. I watched that corner for a long time, until my vision blurred andall I could see was the corner brick that was sticking out slightly. Over thesound of the silence in my ears, I hear a familiar voice, spitting somethingthat I can’t quite make out. I feel my lips pull up in a smile, it doesn’t takemuch to guess who that is. No doubt Cameron was voicing an argument, gunsblazing and fire in her eyes. She was a sight to behold when she was like that.I wished for a moment that I had tried harder to be better with her, to nothave been the person she had probably guessed I was from the moment she hadfirst seen me.

Myeyes snap up when I see movement near the park entrance, and I watch Evangelinestride toward the vehicle, her lips curled up in a smirk. My grandmother is hoton her heels, obviously furious. That’s my cue though, and I open the door andstep out. Evangeline watches me for a moment and then says, “seems as if theyreally want to speak to you.”

Iclose the door behind me, feeling my stomach twist in surprise at her words,which are absolutely genuine.

“Wedon’t have to deal with this,” Anabel argues, her eyes cold as she starts tospeak faster and louder, “You don’t have to do this, you can just-“

Ibrush past her, my eyes already set on the park gates. She’s here, I can almostfeel it, feel the charge in the air that follows her everywhere. My grandmothertries to grab my arm, but I pull it out of her grip and hiss, “You’re not goingto stop me from doing this.”

Iturn on my heel again and open my stride, trying not to run like I want to,forcing myself to try and seem cool and collected. I don’t want to look like adesperate child, but I feel like it. I can feel my heart racing, poundingagainst my chest and pulling me toward her. My grandmother continues to follow me;her voice is drowned out by the rush of blood in my ears though. I’m so close,so close I can almost feel the brush of her hair against my cheek, taste thesmell of her shampoo and the hear the sound of her breath as she exhales softlyagainst my neck. I’m here, I want to cry, I’m here, I’m so close.

Irace around the corner into the park, feeling my skin burn as I stand there infront of everyone, feeling all of their eyes land on me. I can only see herthough. She sits below Farley, her eyes watching me as well. I haven’t seen herin months, but nothing has changed. I feel like a ten-year old kid again, as mystomach drops and my heart pounds in my ears. There you are, I want to whisper,I’ve missed you, almost forces its way out. She doesn’t move as we sit therestaring at each other for what feels like eternity, but I break the moment,when I start toward her, my hand twitching at me side. I just want to touch heragain, to make sure she’s real.

Cameroncuts me off though, her eyes like fire as she sneers at me. I halt, almostdigging my heels into the pavement to stop myself before I slam into the wallof muscle that is Cameron Cote. I look at her over Cameron’s shoulder, feelingmy heart ache at how close I am to her, and yet how far I have put myself. Imade this canyon between us, the pain I feel, I caused it.

Sherises slowly from the bench, her hands never leaving the pockets of her jacket.She reaches out and sets her hand on Cameron’s shoulder, and the girl doesn’tflinch like she used to when Mare whispers, “It’s fine Cam, I can take it fromhere.”

Thegirl looks over her shoulder at Mare, her shoulder’s tightening for a moment.She nods slightly, and then steps behind Mare. Still, she glares at me over hershoulder and spits, “You let me know if he tries anything, I’ll make him wishhe’d never been conceived.”

 I feltmy eyes widen and my heart drop. Did they honestly think… I wanted to hurt her?I just wanted to see her, to touch her, I didn’t want anything else from her.She watches this, before she slowly steps closer to me, her eyes rising to meetmine as she whispers, “Let’s walk.”

Iglance, for only a fraction of a second, over my shoulder at my grandmother,who looks like a bomb sitting precariously on the edge of a cliff. Her eyesnarrow on me though, and I inhale softly before turning back to Mare andoffering her my arm. The only thing I can do to really put up the façade thatI’ve settled back into this whole position. I wondered if Mare could tell thatI wasn’t though. She tended to be very perceptive when I came to me, andeverything I did.

        I watch her slide her hand into the crook of my elbow, andmy body burns at the touch, knowing she’s finally here, next to me. She doesn’tpress up against me though, she simply walks next to me, keeping a special fewinches between our bodies. I tried not to flinch or stiffen at that, but Ifailed miserably and I knew that.

        Forcing myself not to get lost in my thoughts, I started inthe direction of one of the paths. I had chosen it a week ago, when we had setthe meeting up. It would lead us away from the whole group, and I see Marenotice this. Davidson’s guards notice it as well, and they stiffen. Mare simplynods to them, but it does nothing to satiate them. They watch us the wholetime, and I can almost feel their eyes burning holes in the back of my skull asI lead her deeper down the path.

        I wait until we’re obscured by the bend in the path to reachup and softly set my hand on hers. She doesn’t immediately pull away, and I letmy body expel every ounce of fear and worry in a single exhale. She glances upat me, her eyes hard as she asks, “Playing with the silver nobility isn’t aseasy as it used to be, I assume?”

        For a moment, I can just imagine the two of us walkingtogether in Piedmont, discussing our day and the troubles we had been facing. I’mnot sure if I should react to her obvious disdain for the subject. In the end,I reply, “You have no idea,”

Ican almost feel my lips pull up in a smile at the fact that we are justtalking, and that she hadn’t tried to skin me alive yet. Her grip loosens justa little bit as she replies, “Oh I do, I played dress up in the Burner Courttwice.” Her reply is so casual, and yet holds more weight than both of us willever be able to understand. Her words burn, more than anything I have everheard before. I pull away just slightly too, worried that now that we are outof sight, she’ll take me down and beat me into a pulp. She’s certainly had timeto determine exactly what she feels about this whole situation, and I wouldn’tput it past her to crush me into the pavement and leave me there bleeding. Pullingaway is the least I can do to make sure that that does not come to pass.

Mystomach still turns though, and my eyes keep wandering to her profile. It’s seton the path before us, watching the leaves as the break from the trees and raindown onto the pavement. I can’t help wondering why she is here, why she woulddemand to speak to me and me alone, unless it’s a warning. Maybe she’s here totell me that my time is up, that the Guard is here to kill me. Maybe mygrandmother was right. I wouldn’t be surprised, nor would I be offended by iteither. I knew what I was doing, the choice I was making. I knew that by doingthis, I was destroying every bridge I had built. But I had to do this, I had totake the crown. I was the only one who could take the mantle, who could step betweenthe Guard and Samos family and give everyone a new target to shoot at so thatthey stopped shooting at each other for long enough to work together. So far,my plan had worked perfectly, but in the process, I had lost the most importantthing to me.

Ican’t hold back my curiosity anymore either, my need to know so strong that Ican’t stop thinking about the question anymore. Inhaling the sharp scent ofearly autumn, I say carefully, hoping to not prod her too much, “When we gotthe message that you wanted to meet… I didn’t know what to expect.”

Sheglances at me finally, her eyes closed off, but his lips pull into a tight lineof worry. She tries so hard to be unreadable, and lately, she’s been successful.Still, her next words bring me to halt as she says, “Well, I…I needed to tellyou something, something that I could only tell you in person.”

Hereit is, I think as I freeze in panic. She’s telling me that the Guard hasofficially targeted me, I’m her new target, her new mission. I raise my eyes tomeet hers, searching those depths that I had fallen in love with for any signof the truth she is about to reveal. She takes a step back, more out of courtesy,considering the fact that we were almost chest to chest, but it still hurt towatch her do that.

Shewatches me for a long time, long enough that I see a few leaves fall around us.Eventually though, she reaches up with a hesitant hand to unzip her jacket, herfingers curling around the zipper in almost a death grip that turns herknuckles white. She watches me the whole time, her eyes wary as she whispers, “Something’shappened,” my heart speeds up in surprise as she slowly continues to unzip herjacket. I have no idea what she is actually doing, let alone what she might betrying to hide underneath her jacket. I wonder if it’s instructions, some sortof confidential paperwork. That would explain why she was walking with herother hand in her pocket the whole time. Maybe it was to support the papers? Ihad no idea, and the longer she takes to do this the more terrified I become. Shelooks pained though as she continues to unzip, and continues to whisper to me, “Somethingcompletely unexpected…and terrifying…and,” she pauses, her voice wavering, “andsomehow wonderful at the same time.”

Sheshakes like a leaf then, and my heart aches to see that pain behind her eyes,that is slowly leaking out, slowly starting to ooze out of every single pore.On instinct, I step forward, and reach for her, whispering, “Mare, what’swrong? You’re shaking.”

Icall on the fire deep in my veins and push some of that heat around us,encasing us in a bubble of warmth like I used to do in the Notch when she wouldfind her way into my bed roll at night. She reaches between us, and rips thezipper down all the way, her breath expelling in a soft rush of panic andchocked pain, but I can only look at her, at the tears that are starting towell up in her eyes. I can’t remember the last time I saw her cry, and Iwondering if this has to do with something like that. A tiny sob escapes herthen, and I have no choice but look down at what she is revealing to me.

Myheart stops for a fraction of a second, and my mind goes so numb, I’m worried Imight pass out. In fact, I take a stumbling step back, my chest rising in asharp inhale at the sight. Forgotten gods, it wasn’t possible, it just… itcouldn’t be. I drag my fingers into my hair, and knot them there, wanting to pullit all out by the roots. Your fault, my mind screams, your fault, your faultyour fault your faultyourfaultyourfault-

Ialmost can’t breathe around the words stuck in my throat. How long, I want toask, how long have you been like this? Which is a stupid question because thenit sounds like she’s sick or just injured, but she’s not, this is somethingelse. Something, wonderful, and beautiful, but also terrifying. I realized thelast part only a second after the first. She was in danger like this, theSilvers would come for her with a vengeance now, to remove her and—

Icouldn’t follow that thought, not matter how much my mind screamed it at me. Ican’t even help that I start pacing, my mind going a thousand miles an hour,trying to come up with plans that are adjusted to this new information. I can’teven imagine the panic she’s feeling, let alone how long she’s had to deal withit. I freeze in surprise at that thought and then flipping around on her Imanage to choke out, “How long?”

Shehugs her elbows to her chest, her cheeks getting splotchy as she whispers, “Sixmonths.”

Everythingleaves my chest in a massive exhale that sounds like I just got sucker punchedin the gut. But that is what it feels like. She coulnd’t have bothered to tellme until now? She waited six months to tell me this? Six months to let me knowthat I’m going to be a father? My heart races with that thought, panic floodingthrough all my muscles and nerves. I’m not ready to be a father, let alone afigure that is supposed to show someone how to live their life. I barely havemine under control and based off of my recent actions, I was not exactly aprime role model for our child. Forgotten gods, it was our child, not just somerandom baby, but ours. Something about that made my stomach clench in fear,because I knew, I knew that I couldn’t leave the Rift, I was bound to my crownnow, and nothing would be able to pull me away from it short of death itself.

“Six?Six! And you couldn’t have beenbothered to tell me until now?” My voice is a wheeze as I try to understand. Icould have found a way to get out of this months ago, instead I was dealingwith it now, when I couldn’t do a thing about it.

Sheinflates in fury and spits, “Well you weren’t exactly around! You were busybeing Volo’s pet!”

Ifeel the rage before anything else. She’s going to do this now? Bring that upnow?! We have to try and figure out the damn future of our child, and she wantsto bring that up instead? The ice in my words leaks out into my ability as Isuck the heat away from around us. It builds inside me as I hiss, “Don’t startthis.”

“Don’t—start—what?”She breathes, and the words a threat, a warning that I was the cause of thispain she feels, the cause of all the shit she now has to go through. I can’thelp feeling my defenses slide into place as I reply, my voice just as angry ashers, “You’re pregnant, and you didn’t bother to tell me, I had a right toknow!’

“ANDI HAD A RIGHT TO KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO LEAVE ME!” Her shriek is enough to makethe birds fall silent around us. Even further away, the constant chatter of ourgroups falls to silence and my skin prickles. They’ll be listening now, wantingto hear what caused that outburst. I wouldn’t put it past my grandmother tosend guards, to send Evangeline over here to make sure I’m still alive. For amoment, I honestly think that Mare might kill me, the fury in her eyes isenough to do it, instead, she crumbles though.

“Youleft,” She chokes, her breathing heavy and her cheeks shinning with newlyfalling tears, “You left me, you left us. You left us.”          

Iswallow around the thickness in my throat, her pain palpable in the air, andinfectious. I feel my own eyes watering, feel all that anger and regretbuilding up as I choke, “I didn’t know you were pregnant, if I had…if I had, Iwould have… I would have…”

“Youwould have what?” She sobs, massive tears falling from her eyes as shecontinues, “Was I not good enough? I had to add a baby, an heir, into the mix to keep you around?”

Myheart breaks, and I try to back pedal, try to make her see that nothing’schanged, that my heart still belongs to only her. I reached out desperately forher, touching her for the third time, feeling the strength in her arms as Iwhisper, “No, no, no, Mare please. I told you. I told you that I love you, morethan anything in this world, and that the only thing I want is you. I meantthat, I meant every word.”

Shesobs softly and then manages to get out around her hitched breaths, “Then youshould have stayed!”

Iwince, and more than anything in that moment I wish that I had stayed. That Ihad made a different decision that day on the balcony. “I know,” I whisper toher, as I press my forehead against her own, feeling my tears slide down andjoin her own, “I know and I regret it , I regret this, more than anything, butI’ve set a path…I have to stay on it. I have to do this.”

“Youdon’t have to do anything you don’t want.” She whimpers, trying to sound assertive,trying to sound brave. “Come back, come back with me to Piedmont, to theScarlet Guard. Forget the crown,” she pauses, and I know the words that arecoming before she can even say them, “Choose us, Cal please.”

Herlast word is practically a sob, and it only makes it worse. At least on thebalcony she had been stern, had been decisive and proud. Here, she’s in pain,and showing every inch of it. I squeeze my eyes shut to avoid hers, and the actmakes more tears run down my cheeks, burning paths into my skin that burns withmy own pain. “I can’t,” I choke, “I can’t come back. I’ve stepped too far now.I’ve gone too far.”

“Nocome back, you can, you can come back. It’s not too late.” She begs as she cupsmy cheeks, gripping my face so that I can’t pull away again, so that I have tolook at her when I answer. She won’t let me off easy this time. It’s the firsttime she’s initiated anything since we got here, and I can’t help how familiarthe gesture is. I lean into her touch, and press my lips into her palm, whisperingsadly, “Maybe, maybe not, but I have to do this. I have to do it to keep theSilvers in line, to keep them from coming after the you and the Guard,” Iglance down, my hand reaching out, to touch her stomach to brush against theplace where our child rests. But I can’t do it, I can’t bear to think that Ileft her in this position. I pull my hand away, and finish my statement, “Nowmore than ever.”

Shegrabs my hand with a desperation that I didn’t realize she had, and presses itagainst her stomach, and I can almost feel the weight she carries. I feel the slightestflutter as the baby shifts at the new sensation of heat that radiates from myhand. I can feel the vibrations of the kick it delivers to her hip, and thatjust about destroys me. Before know it, I’m crying again, heaving sobs overthis. The fact that I’m going to be a father, and the fact that this is ours,that we made this small life together both crash down on me at the same timeand I can’t help it as I slowly sink down to the ground with the weight of it.Mare goes with me, melting into a puddle in my arms. She curls around me,pressing her stomach against mine so I can feel the little fluttering kicksthat our child performs as it presses a hand against her skin. I can feel allfive tiny fingers pressing against my stomach and I can’t help the sob that escapeswhen I feel that. She latches her arms around my neck and presses her lipsagainst mine, the same kiss she had given me after Archeon, after we had pulledher out of Maven’s cage. I wrap my arm around her in response, pulling hercloser, keeping her close. I was terrified that if I let go, I would never gether back.

Ibrush my hand against the stomach, feeling the baby follow it, and almost laughat that. Instead, I cry harder, shocked at how much I’ve missed, how much I letmyself miss with my mistake. But I have to do it now, more than ever. I have tokeep her safe, have to keep our baby safe. I need to keep the Silvers on thehunt for Maven, have to keep them and the Guard at peace. I can’t do that if Igo to Piedmont. But, there is a way to bring her here, with the baby, when it’ssafe. My heart races again at the thought of it, and pulling her face to mine,I whisper, “I’ve got a plan, I don’t know if you’ll like it, but I’ve got aplan.”

Shenods, a miniscule movement, but it’s an agreement nonetheless, and as soon asshe gives me that conformation, I tell her exactly what I have in mind.