#ssw;may102019session2

[rkwendy]

May 10, 2019 | Session 2

TW: self-destructive tendencies, eating and sleeping problems, mentions of weight loss and plastic surgery

They’re all at the half-way mark toward the end. Honestly? Wendy’s not sure how she feels about this. It’s almost as if she hadn’t had enough time to be good enough for CEO Hyun Bin’s high standards. Sometimes, she wishes she has more time to improve. Though, a small part of her is considering giving up. She’s given too much of herself to the company: her time, her youth, her energy, and her emotional investment. She wonders whether she has anything left to give after this is over. Nova has taken everything she has, only to let her crash head-first into the ground. 

She walks over to where Coach Yonghwa is waiting for her. Wendy sighs as she takes the usual seat across him. She stares at him with somewhat blank eyes, struggling to hide the fatigue and defeat in them. After all, Wendy isn’t sure how this is going to go now. There’s so much she can think of saying, but she has no idea where to begin. 

How was the experience at the recording studio last week? 

Wendy blinks. She definitely wasn’t expecting that question to come up today when there were juicier topics to talk about. But Wendy suspects that maybe it is to lure her into a false sense of security and get her to start talking. And damn it, it works. 

“It’s almost like coming back to see an old friend after a long time,” she says with a fond smile at the experience. “As a producer myself, being in a recording studio is like being in familiar territory. Although I have to admit, it was also a new feeling... It made me feel like this was the real deal, if you get what I mean?” She feels herself smiling as she talks. Music is the reason she’s putting up with all this. “It made me feel like a real artist instead of an aspiring artist dreaming of a future,” she continues. “I have to admit it was a little weird too, since I’m used to being the one in control of the way a song sounds and being able to give more input as to how I sing the song. It felt rather... foreign to not have that much creative control, but it’s a good kind of uncomfortable I guess? I have to learn from those who are established in the industry before I can make it, right?”

How about the choreography? You will be showing us your progress tomorrow.

Wendy makes a face. “I hope that I’ve been doing well enough,” she says with a small smile. “I’m not the best dancer in the company, but I like to think I’m able to hold my own ground and remain at pace with the more skilled dancers in the project.” Wendy lets out a loud sigh, whether it’s of frustration or fatigue, she’s not sure. 

“As for my thoughts on the choreography? I’m not too sure whether I’m supposed to feel anything. Dancing isn’t exactly my specialty!” She allows herself to laugh. She turns a little more serious before she answers the question. “For Hush, I like how the choreography is more on the sexy, yet self-assured side of the spectrum. As for Omona, it’s a fun song so it fits that the choreography is something fun and will make you and your friends stand up and dance along when someone does this song at noraebang.”  She decides to make it clear that she doesn’t think the choreography is beneath her, nor is it beyond anything she is capable of doing. She wants to give both the coaches and the viewers that she’s doing just fine, but it’s not easy for just anyone to do. “The moves for both dances aren’t impossible to learn in the time frame we have, but still show off what kind of standards Nova has set for its artists.”  

How have you been doing?

“I’ve been trying to do what CEO Hyun Bin said and trying to stand out even when I don’t sing. But I’m not exactly sure how I am supposed to do that,” she begins as she tries to maintain eye contact with the coach. “I keep practicing even beyond what people think my limits are. But then again, I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong and doing right. The feedback is very specific to the point that I’m not sure how I can fix it?” She pauses as she tries thinking of an answer. “Does this mean I have to dance better? Lord knows I’m already trying my best. Fix my stage presence? I think I might have to ask for more help on that as soon as I’m done here.” Wendy pouts as she comes up with more solutions. “Do I have to be prettier? Go under the knife? Lose more weight? I need answers!” 

I heard that you had an altercation with another trainee. May I ask you to tell us about it?

Wendy should have known this would reach Coach Yonghwa. “I wouldn’t call it an altercation,” she says with a soft sigh. “Sunmi unni was just reminding me to take care of myself.” 

What do you mean by that?

“Apparently, my method of coping with failure wasn’t very healthy and I hadn’t realized it,” Wendy admits. “I haven’t been able to sleep at all. Ever since that announcement, I ended up throwing up everything I eat. It’s been difficult.” She pauses before she decides to throw caution to the wind. The cameras in their dorm have probably caught it anyway. She takes a breath before continuing. “I’m competitive by nature, and I’d rather die knowing I tried everything rather than live to see myself fail.” Wendy blinks back the tears that are threatening to fall. “I actually needed Sunmi unni to pull me out of that headspace,” she continues. “I’m thankful to her for that talk. I’m now actively trying to be better and coping without self-destructing.” Wendy takes a deep breath. “I want to be better...”