#srsly though he got up from a PERFECTLY GOOD couch

[fangirlingintothevoid]

ZYL: Time for my secret weapon. Vague, pointless proximity.

[jenniferjuni-per]

For your roommance fic: Cassian get roped into one of those charity auctions for Leia and Jyn is under a lot of pressure to outbid everyone for him.

Thank you so much for your patience on this! I loved this prompt btw, I kinda got carried away with it lol

read it on ao3

So Cassian told me something interesting today

Oh? And what could that possibly be?

FUCKING HELL LEIA

Lol! Lighten up will ya? It’s for CHARITY

Well I wish you would’ve run it by me first!

Why? You don’t own him

I didn’t say that I did!

Well you’re implying it and I don’t like your tone

Fuck off

He’s a grown, independent man, and he don’t need you tryna own his ass

Leia ffs

Lol

Srsly

Srsly Jyn, it’s for a good cause. He’s an attractive, charming guy, and I know all those horny housewives will fall all over themselves trying to outbid each other for him

That’s what I’m afraid of

Do it for the cause Jyn lol

Fuck you Leia

Oops gotta go Han’s here! L8r

LEIA

Jyn gritted her teeth, suppressing a scream as the text screen went dead. She tried not to curse out loud, completely unaware that she was muttering under her breath. Cassian looked up from the book he was reading.

“Everything okay?” He peered at her over his reading glasses.

“Hmm? Oh yeah, sure.” She blushed beet red as she noticed him staring at her, knowing exactly what she was reacting to.

“Listen, Jyn, do you not want me to do this? I could tell Leia I had a change of heart--”

“Oh god no! She’d never let me hear the end of it.” Jyn sighed, plopping herself down on the couch beside Cassian. He immediately wrapped an arm around her, tugging her close to his side. She didn’t want to look at him, embarrassed at her reaction to the whole situation, but he gently touched her chin so she would turn to him.

“Hey,” he said softly, his eyes dark and deep and sincere, “I don’t need to do this, you know. You’re more important to me than some charity.”

Jyn felt her heart flip in her chest, but at the mention of the word ‘charity’ she felt a burning shame. “No, no, you should do it, it’s for a good cause.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. You should do it. For the cause.”

He smiled at her, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. She could do this, she thought. She could put aside her pride and jealousy, be the bigger person. Do it for the cause, she told herself, repeated to herself, as she settled against his side and tried not dwell too much on the fact that her roommate/boyfriend was about to be auctioned off to the highest bidder.

---

The night of the auction arrived and Jyn found herself sitting on her hands, nervously biting her lip. Leia stood at the podium, looking beautiful and regal as she auctioned off various baubles and artwork and spa treatments and trips to sunny destinations. She was closing her folder and Jyn had a fleeting hope that maybe that was the end, but a mischievous grin overtook her friend’s face as she leaned down low to the mic.

“And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for!” She announced with way too much glee in her voice. Jyn gritted her teeth. “I’d like to introduce to you all a very good friend of mine.” With a flourish of her arm, Leia indicated to the back of the stage, where Cassian emerged from behind the curtain. Even though Jyn had helped dress him for the occasion, she still sucked in a breath at the sight of him. His slim navy suit fit perfectly on his body, his hair tossed just so, his eyes sparkling in the harsh spotlight. Every woman in the room suddenly sat up straighter in their seats.

“Cassian Andor is a young professional, ready to wine and dine whoever of you can be the most generous. What do you say, ladies? How much is an evening with the handsome Cassian Andor worth? We’ll start the bidding at one hundred dollars.”

There was a moment of silence before a paddle in the back of the room went slowly up.

“One hundred!” Leia bellowed, slamming the gavel down onto the podium. Jyn jumped. From then it became a dizzying flourish, paddles going up around the room followed by giggles and shouts. Fuelled by the wine Leia had plied them with, the women were trying to outbid each other with a salacious frenzy. Panicked, Jyn pulled out her phone.

Hey Bodhi can you lend me some money

Sure, how much you need?

Not sure can I just let you know?

Wth? What’s it for Jyn?

Charity auction

Ah ok, then just let me know

Thanks bro!

Np

She silently thanked all the deities in the world for her brother, before she hastily threw her paddle into the air, not even knowing what the price was at the moment. Leia paused, the room going silent. From the stage, Cassian was shaking his head imperceptibly at her, his eyes wide.

“One thousand… ?” Leia phrased it almost like a question, staring incredulously at her friend. Jyn swallowed. It was a lot of money, but she was sure as hell not going to let one of these drunken horndogs “spend an evening” with her boyfriend. She kept her paddle firmly up in the air. For a few agonizing moments there was no response, some of the women grumbling and resting their paddles on the tables. One woman, however, on the opposite side of the room, shot her paddle up into the air, glaring at Jyn the whole time. Jyn’s heart sank.

“Eleven hundred!” Leia shouted with relief, but Jyn wasn’t done. Returning the woman’s glare Jyn raised her paddle, and for the next few agonizing moments they traded volleys, Leia’s gavel slamming onto the podium the only sound in the room. Jyn felt heat rise to her cheeks as the woman challenged her, her eyes narrowing at Jyn every time she raised her paddle.

“Eighteen hundred!” Leia’s voice echoed across the silent room. Jyn paused, and the woman she’d been battling with began to smile, the corners of her perfectly lipsticked mouth turning up slowly.

Forgive me, Bodhi

Jyn thrust her paddle up into the air. “FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!” she shouted, and it could have almost been comical how everyone in the room gasped. Leia’s jaw dropped, the gavel hanging in the air. Cassian dropped his head into his hands.

---

Haha that’s really funny Jyn

I’m serious Bodhi

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING??? I DON’T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY

Come on it’s for charity

Fucking hell Jyn

Please Bodhi

You know I have to ask Papa for that kind of money right

I wish you didn’t have to, but I understand

Alright I’ll paypal you when I get it

Thanks Bodhi I owe you

You sure do! Also don’t ever ask me for that kind of money again

I won’t I promise, this is a one time thing

Good! Love ya sis

Love you too

Jyn shoved her phone back into her clutch and let out a heavy sigh of relief. She waited idly by the side of the stage as Leia and Cassian finished up a conversation with one of the guests, an older woman with perfectly coiffed hair who kept throwing her head back in an exaggerated laugh every time Cassian said something remotely funny. Jyn fought the urge to roll her eyes.

“Thank you for your generous donation, and yes, we will find another handsome bachelor for the next auction.” Leia assured the woman as she walked away, wearing that fake smile that Jyn never failed to admire her for. As soon as Jyn walked over Leia punched her in the shoulder.

“What the hell were you thinking?!”

“Fuck, Leia! That hurt!”

“Not as much as your bank account will hurt!” Leia shook her head, grumbling as she walked away. Cassian was left standing there, regarding Jyn with a curious look.

“Are you gonna yell at me too?” Jyn challenged him, her hands on her hips. Cassian threw up his arms and laughed.

“Nope, no yelling here,” he smiled at her, slipped his hand around the back of her neck and pulled her close to him. “Now that you have me all to yourself for an evening, what would you like to do?” he whispered into her ear.

“Whatever I damn well please, you cost me an arm and a leg.”

---

Later, as everyone started getting ready to leave for the night, Leia pulled Jyn aside.

“You’re off the hook,” she whispered conspiratorially.

“What do you mean?” Jyn asked, her eyebrows knitting in confusion.

“My mother paid the five grand.”

Jyn blinked, not comprehending. “I’m sorry, what?”

“She ponied up your share. But don’t worry, your name is still on the books as the winner.” Leia winked at Jyn, squeezing her arm.

“Leia, I don’t know what to say,” Jyn shook her head slowly, “I won’t be able to pay her back anytime soon.”

“Oh don’t worry about it,” Leia waved her hand dismissively, “Although be prepared for her to guilt you into coming to more of these charity things.” Leia cackled as she walked away.

“Dammit,” Jyn muttered under her breath.

[relucant]

i was tagged by my beloved @majesticduxk​ for the self-rec/self-promo favorite fic meme! and if i’m not writing, i might as well whore for hits on what i have written, right?

1. Grammar Games (E, dean/cas)

"Hey, hey," Dean said, propping his feet up on a chair. "Dude, I don't even know your name."

Cas blinked up at him, and the tiny heat that the gravelly voice had sparked in Dean's stomach evolved into a full-on tingle.

"Oh, uh," he said. "Yeah. I'm Castiel. Cas, if you like."

"Cas," Dean drawled. "I do like." He stuck out his hand. Cas raised an eyebrow, but he reached out to shake. "I'm Dean Winchester."

"I'm aware," Cas said dryly. "You've something of a reputation."

"I'm aware," Dean agreed with a bright grin.

obviously i’m cheating right off the bat here lumping five stories into one, but i’m really proud of them. i feel like it’s a pretty clever idea, and nothing makes me happier than when i get a comment that the stories actually clarified some english grammar fuckery for them (or that they’ve reread them to study!) certainly the most difficult thing i’ve written, but also tons of fun.

2. Barbegazi (M, dean/cas)

"You speak French," Dean blurts stupidly, because of course Cas speaks French, and everything else, but --

Cas tilts his head. "Yes. I have every human tongue spoken since the dawn of time in my head." Cas says it matter-of-factly, but the reminder of the fathomless age and power simmering under the angel's skin sends shivers down Dean's spine. "You know, I've considered dropping a few hints about Linear A, but it never seemed --"

"Right," Dean interrupts, clearing his throat. "Right. I just, uh. Forgot. Go ahead."

because clearly writing grammar lessons couched in smut wasn’t the end of my incredibly nerdy porn. but i think this is probably my “prettiest” pornography, and the one i wish most had more hits. and it was really fun sifting through piles of poetry in languages i definitely don’t speak looking for destielish poetry (though honestly it’s all fucking destiel poetry if you’re deep enough in the dumpster)

3. Times Two (very E, dean/cas/jimmy)

[10:50] From: Charlie So did you find Mr. Sex Hair?

[10:51] To: Charlie actually yeah. and dude -- there's TWO of them

[10:51] From: Charlie … How drunk are you?

[10:52] To: Charlie im not!

[10:52] To: Charlie ok im lying, i am a little

[10:53] To: Charlie but srsly, they're twins. and ofc i accosted the wrong twin abt the pic

[10:55] From: Charlie Oh my God. Your life is a fanfic.

[10:56] From: Charlie So… Dean-sandwich on the menu then?

just because my fics are almost exclusively solely dean/cas, it was interesting (and hard) trying to figure out a way to work out a deancasjimmy dynamic that felt right. plus it’s always fun to write about weird hostel life.

4. On the House (E, dean/cas)

"In a past life," the guy at the end of the bar began, "I lived in Kansas. Was a hunter. Hunted things. Hunted things." He stared into his glass, swirling the liquid.

Castiel sighed inwardly. The morose drunks were always the hardest to gauge. Some wanted sympathy; some wanted to get angry; some wanted to be cheered up. Some just wanted to talk.

This guy wasn't sloppy-drunk, at least. Didn't seem particularly drunk at all, really, though in general hitting the whiskey at 6:30 on a Tuesday afternoon wasn't a good sign.

And anyway, Cas was perfectly willing to admit, if he had to play bartender-therapist, it's nice when his patron-patient's disgustingly attractive.

to be honest, i don’t think there’s anything particularly special about this story, but it was i think the first time (of not very many at all) that i actually finished a multi-chapter story that had something vaguely resembling a plot. plus i think i first connected with several wonderful people who i am now so happy to call my dear friends via this fic, so it’s close to my heart <3

5. Aesthetics in Autoerotica (EEEEEEE, dean/cas)

"What do you think about when you masturbate?"

"I sure don't think about callin' it masturbate," Dean retorted with a small laugh.

"I'm sorry. What do you think about when you jerk off?"

"Jesus, Cas, you talkin' dirty like that ain't gonna help me not come in these panties."

"Well, I intend for you to," Cas pointed out. "But not just yet. Now answer the question, please."

"Jesus," Dean said again, blush deepening. "I -- um. Jeez, I dunno. I mean, there's all kinds of crap in my spank bank. Some days, yeah, s'gettin' thrown against the wall by some hot dude in an alley. Other days, I dunno, it's triplets."

"What are you thinking about right now?"

Dean turned an incredulous look on him. "Uh, there's a hot photographer takin' pictures of my dick in pink panties right now, you think I need any more material?"

for just pure, unadulterated, utter pornography. and i think it was the first thing i wrote that got a little bit popular, which obviously for someone with zero confidence in their writing skills was nice. and is also highest on my list of fics i want to add to.

bonus #1: Angel-Mine for kinda sweet and pretty wing!kink

bonus #2: As the Romans Do which is and ever shall remain and a complete and total clusterfuck but it’s my baby, and the first piece of prose i ever really got into writing, and marked the tipping point into my slide down this strange and wonderful dumpster fire.

i really don’t know who to tag, or who has been tagged, but if you’re a fic writer, please please consider yourself tagged for a bit of feel-good self-promo, and please please please tag me if you do so i can see it and read!