#srsly though I either have too many ideas or no ideas for drawings

[ravenbronze]

Love Letter

Wasn’t sure what to draw next, saw a prompt for ‘love letter’ and this little scene popped into my head

[stargazer-balladeer]

S/o’s birthday but locks themselves in their rooms because they don’t feel special [Genshin Impact]

Characters Included: Aether, Childe, Diluc, Kaeya & Venti.

Notes: Ayeeee! Since it’s my birthday today, why not make this? :))) I actually got carried away 🥲 this is around 3.5k words in total. Hope ya’ll like this!

Reader’s Gender: Neutral (tho i think there’s a slight implied female hehe…)

Warning: probably some swear words here and there knowing me- and mild suggestive themes in kaeya’s part 

[albedo, scaramouche, xiao]

Aether remembers your birthday more than he knows his- like srsly, he’s the kind that remembers his s/o’s bday more than his. He’s also the kind that celebrates it privately unless you want to celebrate it with others, which he doesn’t mind. He might have a hard time deciding what kind of gift you want, but sooner or later, he already has one (or multiples bc he can’t decide-). 

Imagine his confusion when your day finally arrives but he can’t find you anywhere, even Paimon, who was excited to celebrate your bday (“oohh~ I can’t wait to eat the cake!” - Paimon), seems confused. Probably the culprit in planting worry in the travellers head as she jumps to conclusion that you might’ve been kidnapped. 

Luckily, he checked your house before he could report it to the knights of Favonius or the Qixing (like any normal person should do really-). When he received no reply, he takes out the spare key you gave him and entered your house, an invasion of privacy he knows but it's an emergency- 

Knowing that you’re in your room when he can’t find you downstairs, he knocks on your bedroom door softly while calling your name. Imagine his (and Paimon’s) relief when the door cracked open. Immediately engulfing you into a hug, he lets out a sigh of relief. He then proceeds to ask you what you were doing inside your room when it’s your birthday. His heart literally broke when you stated your reason. Tightening his hold around your figure, he smiles bitterly, knowing that feeling all too well..

“That’s not true. None of that stuff is true. Everyone deserves to feel special on their birthday, most especially you. We’ve brought some food, and cake of course. Also some gifts from other people. If you want, do you want to celebrate it with just the two, or rather three, of us?”

You, who was a literal angel in his eyes deserve the world. He honestly wants to find whoever put that idea in your head but that was reserved for another moment. For now, his main priority is your happiness. Guiding you downstairs where Paimon was (she left when aether hugged you, knowing you two needed privacy. also the cAKE-), he watches as your eyes sparkle at the sight of the cake. 

Grinning softly he made sure you had fun with your birthday. Even though it would be more fun with more people, it feels more special if it’s celebrated with just the two of you. Staring you with pure adoration as you laughed merrily at the sight of Paimon stuffing herself with food. He couldn’t help himself but lean forward to place a kiss on your forehead and then on your lips, leaning back with a smile on his face. 

“Happy birthday, my love. May many more to come. Maybe next time, we can invite other people. Though I don’t mind if we’ll celebrate it with just the two of us only-” And Paimon! Don’t forget about Paimon!” “Yes yes. And Paimon.”

Similar to Aether, he would most definitely remember your birthday. After all, it holds a special place in his heart, alongside his family. And since this boi is rich af, he would most definitely try to spoil you on your birthday. Piles of expensive (or just cheap yet meaningful) gifts, reservation to a high-class restaurant in Liyue Harbor, and all that glamour. 

Actually, he didn’t find it odd that he didn’t see you immediately, thinking that you overslept or just relaxing in your house. But he soon finds it weird when it’s already around 3 in the afternoon and no sign of your face in the crowd, something he raised a brow at but shrugged it off. It isn’t until it’s almost the time of the reservation he made when he finally realized what’s going on. 

When he arrived at your house, dressed in a suit similar to Zhongli except it’s entirely black and white, waiting for you to come out. After a couple of minutes, he soon got concerned and decided to enter your bedroom through the window (pls do not do this at home). Startled at the sudden appearance of your handsome yet cheeky boyfriend, he stares at you with eyes asking the questions he didn’t dare to tell. 

Knowing he will get his answer one way or another, you decided to tell him about your dilemma. After you finished explaining yourself, silence surrounds you, which is quite worrisome since your boyfriend is known for his rather talkative behavior. Blinking in surprise at the sudden embrace of the 11th Harbinger, his hug was rather tight but not too tight that it cuts your oxygen. Speaking in a low, faint voice, a surprising feat for him, you can make out what he said as clear as day. 

“I’m sorry. I should’ve noticed it sooner. I was trying to be a perfect boyfriend for you but I guess I failed in that aspect. You know, if you feel like you aren’t special enough to celebrate your birthday, then what about me? Me who stained his hands with the red blood of his enemies, always engaging in a fight, clashing with other blades. Insecurity is really an asshole huh? Let me make it up to you now. Let’s not anymore go to that stupid high-class restaurant, c’mon, up you go. You better dressed comfortably when I come back or else…”

Leaving you quickly before coming back immediately, this time in more comfortable clothing rather than the stiff suit he wore earlier. This time as well, he entered your house normally through the door. In his arms, he was holding a bunch of stuff and proceeded to dump it on the living room table. It was different kinds of movies in different genres, you spotted some of your favorite movies in them (makes you also wonder where he got these from since you don’t remember seeing these in the room he stays-).

He would suggest making a pillow fort, and while making the pillow fort, he proceeded to smack you with one. Which ensued a pillow fight between you two. It successfully made the both of you a laughing mess by the end, filled with feathers. Childe then carries you bridal style to the incomplete pillow fort and starts the movie you chose. Placing you in his lap and placing his head either on your shoulder or head depending on your height, cuddling you from behind tightly with a contented smile on his face. 

“You know what? This might not be how I envisioned how your birthday would go, but I’m not complaining. Happy birthday, comrade. My most adorable and most cutest and only love. I love you so much that you’ll be the very reason why I die so suddenly. So stop being so cute okay?” 

(You two are living together in this one.)

Diluc has the probability of forgetting your birthday due to his busy schedule, especially if it’s starting to rise when your birthday draws near. He might neglect you for a couple of days, too engrossed in his work. When the day finally arrives, it completely leaves his mind. Like he’ll think of it as a completely ordinary working day. It isn’t until one of your friends told him to send you their birthday greetings that he remembered. And oh boy does he feel guilty, like srsly, he literally froze when he realizes what day it is today. And you know what that means? ✨Panicc✨

Honestly, I can see him buying the whole store XD. In the state of panic, his common sense just leaves him completely that he ends us buying practically the whole store. It would be sent to the Dawn Winery immediately as he buys some flowers from Flora, who also sent you her birthday greetings, which made him more guilty-

When Diluc steps foot inside the manor, he tries to search for you outside the gardens where he usually finds you but when he doesn't, he gets worried. Asking the head maid immediately about your whereabouts, and his concern and worry (and guilt) grew even more when he finds out that you haven’t gone out of your room. He quickly went to your shared room, with the flowers still in his hands, and knocked on your door. Calling your name softly and asking for permission to enter, when granted he entered the room as quickly as possible. But seeing the sight of you bundled up in your blanket made his heart crack.

Placing the flowers at the bedside table, he quickly made his way in front of you and kneeled down to meet your eye level. You can tell he was very worried about you with how frantic his eyes seem and the concern underlying it. With the way he was staring at you, you can’t help but spill your insecurity to him. The reason why you were hiding in his room rather than go out to celebrate your day of birth. Every word you spill made his heart break even more. Seeing tears started to leak from your eyes, he placed his two hands on your face wiping away the tears with his thumbs. Smiling at you gently and placing a kiss on your eyelids and on your nose.

“I completely understand, my love. Even I sometimes feel that way. Also to the point where I don’t want to celebrate my birthday even, but that won’t do my love. You are so special, you deserve your special day to be well special. If you want to simply lay here and sleep, then so be it. If you want to go out and do something, then I’ll happily oblige. Let’s obliterate those awful thoughts, and if those keep persisting, I’ll slice them up for you. I’ll keep picking you up when you fall. So, what is your command, my love?” (i'm so tempted for him to say master-)

Whatever your answer may be, one thing for sure, Diluc is seen smiling adoringly at you. Even the maids noted how soft the master is around you, particularly today. Whether curled up together in the bed, with him embracing you tightly to his chest and placing a kiss on top of your head. And if you listen carefully, you can hear him quietly humming a tune that his father (or mother) sang to him. Or you two outside in the garden, simply admiring the view with his hand around your waist. 

Either way, at the end of the day, he would wake you up or make you go inside for dinner. You haven’t eaten breakfast or lunch yet so you’re probably hungry by now. If you don’t want to leave your room or want to return to your room, he would understand and make the maids bring the food to you. When the maid(s) finally arrives with the food, you notice the cake on the tray. Looking at him as he chuckles, taking the trays from the maids. Humming a light tune, he scoops a spoonful of cake and holds it to your mouth, with a slight smirk on his face, eyes twinkling with mischief. 

“Stop staring at me like that, did you really think I would let the day go by for you to not celebrate your birthday properly? From what I know, birthdays have cakes in them, whether a huge cake or a cupcake. Say ‘ahh’~... Happy birthday my love. May next year be more enjoyable than now.”

Kaeya remembers your birthday like the back of his hand, I think he’s even more excited than you really. Eagerly awaiting your birthday as he counts down the days, dropping hints and stuff to you birthday-related, and probably plans a birthday party for you. The knights immediately agreed on it, including a certain bard, traveler, and wine master (albeit more hesitantly). He made sure that this party would be successful, constantly checking on the plans and such. To the point that everyone was practically fed up with his constant questions. But they understand that he wants this to be a successful and enjoyable party for you. It got to the point where Diluc kicked him out of his Tavern after asking for the umpteenth time. 

When your day finally arrives, he was practically beaming with joy and excitement. To the point where he can’t hide it behind the cool and suave facade he wears. He quickly made his way to you, going along with the plan of distracting you as they started to prepare for the party. In his total excitement, he didn’t notice the rather gloomy atmosphere around the house. But when he arrived at your door, that is when he noticed how quiet your house is.

Now albeit worried, his excited smile slipping from his face and now replaced with a worried frown, he knocked on your door, calling you in his usual teasing voice. When he didn’t hear your response, the bubble of anxiety appeared in his body. Twisting the knob and finding it unlocked, he quietly and carefully opened the door. Seeing your back immediately, seeing your side rise and fall making him sigh in relief that you were still alive. Closing the door gently but made a noise to alert you of his presence. Taking a seat behind you, he ran his cold fingers on your back, watching you arching at the sudden coldness of his fingers. Smiling slightly, he asked what’s wrong. 

Turning around to face him, you buried your face on his chest, inhaling his strong masculine scent. Instinctively wrapping his arms around you, he played with your hair with one of his hands. Tapping on your head slightly, beckoning for you to answer his question. With no way out, you decided to come clean. You explain how you feel like you don’t feel like you deserve to be treated as special on your birthday and all that sort. His face was void of emotion as he stared at the ceiling with his unique pair of blue eyes. Outside he might seem emotionless. But inside, he was on the brink of insanity. Who dares to put such an idea on his s/o’s mind? Why would you think of that? Was this insecurity of yours also his fault?

“That must be the most stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. You’re not special? Please. Don’t try to make me laugh with that joke ‘cause it’s not funny. You are a jewel, a star, a constellation. As rare as the gems, or rather visions. You can even rival the very sun with your smile. I know those demons in your head keep saying those words to you, the temptation is so tempting, right? Just succumbing to them to make them quiet. But that’s why I’m here, my dearest snowflake. I’m here for you. You’re so special to everyone, most especially to me. You mean the world to me. Anyway, enough of this tear-jerking stuff, we have a party to celebrate. And we can’t celebrate it without the birthday gal/guy now can we?”

Despite your protests, he lifted you effortlessly and carried you outside and into the dawn winery where the party was held. Placing you on the ground and pushing you forward where people from Mondstadt came and greeted you with happy birthdays. Smiling at the sight of you being overwhelmed at the warm greetings, and then chuckling at how bright your face became. Diluc nudges him to you, beckoning him to help you before returning to what he was previously doing (most likely trying to force a bard to not finish all the wines in the vicinity).

After a while in the party, Kaeya brings you to a secluded place with no people for air. Being in a party filled with people could be suffocating at times, especially if you’re not used to it. He intertwined his hands with yours and bends down to meet your eye level (or leans down if you have the same height as him-). He gives you a cheeky smile and proceeds to place a peck on your lips. Chuckling when you pouted and glared at him, wanting more kisses.

“My my, what a greedy vixen~ But it is indeed your birthday so I guess I have no choice but to oblige to whatever my birthday vixen wants me to do. Would you like me to strip as well? Haha. Kidding kidding. Happy birthday, princess/prince. May many more to come. Oh! I forgot. I heard from a certain birdie that you ordered for a personal performance from me~ would you like to get it now?” 

Since we all know that Venti practically doesn’t do anything like every day, I would safely say that he would remember your birthday. Probably save some mora to buy you a gift for your birthday, even though it’s not as fancy as the people in Liyue (they all rich kids-), it’s still meaningful. He probably made a bracelet all by himself with the beads he either bought or also made by himself. Nevertheless, he was as excited as Kaeya for your birthday. Already prepared songs to sing for you when that day comes. 

Venti immediately searches for you when the day finally arrives, but his excited and bright smile vanishes when he can’t find you in the crowd of people. Raising a brow at your sudden disappearance, he searched for you everywhere, the tavern, the church, the headquarters, everywhere but your house. So when he finally arrives at your house, he was filled with worry and concern. Entering your room through the window like usual, he sees your figure sitting on the floor while reading a book.

He pouted at the sight as he made his presence known by asking you why you were here and reading a book on your birthday. He watches as you jump from where you are and turns to look at him, sighing at the sight of him. He slowly made his way to you and sat next to you, his legs sprawled across the floor. He takes note of the food around you, which was non-birthday festive, it was just ordinary food. Not understanding why you’re sulking in your room, he asked you what’s wrong. 

Venti’s eyes widened at your explanation, feeling the sadness leaking at the words you said. They weave themselves around his heart, squeezing it, making him have a hard time breathing. He shares your pain. He was your soulmate after all. He immediately engulfed you in a hug, stuffing his face on the crook of your neck. You were so vulnerable in his eyes. You were so fragile. He desperately wants to protect you from the pain. But looks like he can’t protect you from your own demons. 

“Even though I promised myself to not say or do anything that’ll make you sad, I just need to get it off my chest. I’m sorry you had to suffer through that, those demons that a simple bard that weaves stories into songs can’t erase. Alright, no more feeling sorry for yourself. It’s time to get out and spend the rest of the day enjoyable, perfect for my precious Cecilia.” 

Without any warnings, he picked you up and jumped out of your window. Shrieking at the sudden fast pace, you instinctively wrapped your hands around him as he landed on the ground. Giving you a smug smile while saying “didn’t think i’d let you fall now?” Please slap him. Anyway, he laughed at your aggression and continued to run. Even if you ask where you’re going, he just says it's a secret. So might as well enjoy being in his arms as he continues to run (you swear you can feel the wind adding to his speed but that was just maybe your imagination-).

After a while, he placed you down and you realized where you are. It was Starsnatch Cliff, surrounding you were Cecilia flowers. Venti jumped on you, making you fall to the ground as he giggles. His hat flown back from the force of his sudden attack, he still has that stupid big smile on his face. Since his laughter is contagious, you couldn’t help but laugh alongside him. His eyes glistened with delight at the sight of your smile finally. Grabbing your hand and placing the bracelet he made, he pressed a kiss on your knuckle.

“This bracelet shall be a promise from me to you, a fellow bard to the fairest queen/king. I shall love you for eternity, this heart will only beat for you, and this body belongs to you. If you’re in dire need of assistance, don’t hesitate to call me. I’ll be there, forever and always. Happy birthday, my sweet flower.”

[x] Main Page || [x] Mondstadt Page || [x] Fatui Harbingers Page 

[mingot-studios]

Things currently polluting my mind (will be added to as i think of things)

 How bad the Star vs. Finale was, and weather i should even bother trying to watch the show again at this point

The fact that the next JoJolion chapter is coming out soon and I STILL haven’t read 107 with my mom even though I’ve already read it

Not being caught up on One Piece and having 0 IDEA of whats happening at this poin as well starting to flaws with the series (racism, transphobia, and homophobia) that i knew was there but chose to ignore and weather it should hinder my relationship with the series. Also wanting to murder Oda for demoting Franky to ‘Pervy Grandma’ (srsly wtf oda)

Upset Infinity Train was cancelled even though i never watched it, and wonder why the fans cry for it to come is suddenly not happening?

The fact i’m going to be returning to in person schooling which is my personal HELL

my brother leaving for college upstate (Me and my brother have never really been that close, we fight alot but I cant imagine life without him)

The fact that my procrastination has gotten so bad that I nearly had to retake PE, World History, and English

The Owl House coming back on the 12th but i had downloaded the first 2 episodes but haven’t watched them and debating if i should, also having a meltdown  over Disney screwing the show over and having its third be 3 or 4 (i cant remember) 44-minute specials

The fact that me and brother STILL haven’t finished our Yume 2kki Let’s Play

I haven’t been watching anime regularly with my mom

I haven’t posted anything to my DeviantArt or YouTube in months

I have so much energy right now but no outlets

I still haven’t tried out my drawing pad i got for my birthday last year

I have so many drawing ideas but my spiral sketchpad is filled up and I have yet to get a new one

Ive many intricit and detailed story ideas that i know im gonna forget if i dont write them down bu due my procrastination i haven’t done so im prolly gonna lose everything

The fact Thurston Waffles hasn’t posted anything since late April as well as the fact that he’s got Kidney problems

So many ideas for videos but I only have WindowsMovieMaker and the HumbleBundle my mom got me idk YEARS ago won’t install

I’m gonna be 17 at the end of September, which i only have until next June before I graduate High school, have to give up my Chromebook, start thinking about college and getting a job, possibly moving out and living on my own, the knowledge that my parents are in their late 50′s and early 60′s so hey might be gone sooner than most parents and I dont know how to function without my parents doing everything for me

These weird tingles ive been getting in my body for he pas couple days

The fact that im not gonna a kid soon and im gonna have to grow and stop doing whatever i want whenever i want and i’m gonna never accomplish my dream of creating a successful cartoon and will probably end up at a dead end job I HATE just to make ends meet and eventually dying alone because I dont wanna be in a relationship or have kids

Everything is too overwhelming. The light, the sound, my thoughts, its all too much. I wanna curl up into a tiny ball and disappear from this awful experience called life

Capitalism

i hate being so passionately when i’m upset, everyone else is calm but i have meltdowns and freaks outs over things i shouldn’t even care about or are miniscule (Comes with being autistic i guess)

I have 0 patience and i hate it

I’m starting to regress back to being a childish brat after all the progress i’ve made

i’m constantly surrounded by either criticism or praise that contradict each other so i dont know what to believe about myself

the fact that i have so many great story ideas but i cant write a cohernt thought with proper grammer or sytax or spelling o save my life, nor the art skill or the patience or the tech to draw comics

i haven seen my therapist in days and i need help but i know im not actually gonna change 

having gender panic

I have no in person friends and ive forgotten how to interact with people

ive become a noodle limbed nerd

Ive gotten super skinny

I want someone o break through my shell and help me change bu I know thats just a fantasy and im the only one who can do that but im too lazy to put effort into it

everything i used to enjoy suddenly feels tedious monotonous repetitive and uninteresting

I feel trapped and scraed 

The fact after being bulied so much the only way i can really assert myself is to get violent and angry because they would want me breakdown and cry

I have this image in my head of who i want to be; And badass that people including adults, are scared of and know not to fuck with me or they’ll get hurt (Basically Jotaro, bu I’ve had this image since before i even knew what jojo was) And the fact I KNOW that i’s a pointless endever and that i only dig my own grave when i get mad but its like ingrained Branded into my my psyche so im always going to larp that vision of myself but not get anywhere and only regress further

I want to address my problems and change but I never do and stay static and regress

I cant take crticisim even though i know its true

The reason im so scared of writing fanfiction is because i know its gonna be a mess despite what i think is a great story and people will end up mocking it and what little self confidence i have will shatter

Star Vs wasted potential

the fact that I dont know where to take the whole “Rubi dies at the  end of he first season but comes back o life except she’s not actually she’s just a walking meat sack containing an anchint eldritch god that will, sooner or later, burst out of her and destroy her body, and she’s fighting for control of her ow body due to Skarlotus trying to devor her soul and Data’s medience is only delaying the inevitable” storyline of my concept cartoon, The Crypto Club

I have an AMAZING idea for an Invader Zim storyline that has fascism, rascism, mass genocide, child soldiers, political intrigue, propaganda, baiscally space hitler and more (okay that came out sound REALLY bad, but NONE of it painted as good!) It also involves Zim and Dib coming together to stop an even bigger threat and there is a really ironic ending that brings my OC GA83′s story full circle

[liria10]

Ok so! Since the finale is tomorrow, I wanted to put down my predictions, wishes and overall theories as to all that could go down because there’s a lot and I want to see if I get any right 👀

First of all! I do think we are likely to open on winter vs ironwood, and very likely to get a new song there (maybe as an answer to last volume’s hero?) and well. I didn’t spend that long drawing it to not believe it’s likely to happen, but IMO ironwood will go down by the end of this episode, most likely killed by winter. Now, do I see winter making it out? No idea. I would like to think so tbh, but I can see as many thematic reasons for her to die as for her to live, so that one is very up in the air unlike atlas

Which btw I do think atlas will fall, taking watts with it because there’s no way cinder hasn’t done something there lbr. He’s got everything he ever wanted, wouldn’t it be quite fitting for him to go down with the city he hates after all?

As for Robyn, qrow & co... I think it’d be nice to see qrow talk Harriet down tbh, a good progression from his “I’m going to murder James” earlier this volume. I’m pretty sure the rest of the ace ops are in robyn’s ship so maybe some reunion between the 3 of them about “yeah fuck the military actually” but considering how much stuff there’s to cover this episode, maybe that won’t be till next volume. I’m def thinking that robyn won’t be reunited with her huntresses anytime soon tho, and will instead have to deal with one disaster bird and the ace ops (poor girl, I do just want to see those 4 hug it out at this point srsly)

And that bomb... I mean, it’s going to go off right? I think between the bomb and atlas there’s... not going to be much left once menagerie shows up tbh.

Ok and! For team rwb(y) and cinder... yeah cinder is winning this one. I think she’ll get both relics, at the cost of her not getting the winter maiden’s power (penny isn’t dying again that’s for sure), and once she’s ready to go back to salem all triumphant only to have that blow up in her face because she asked the last question, or something along those line.

Speaking of, I could see salem making it to the portal/ dimension and grabbing the staff herself tbh, shutting down the portals and leaving team rwb with the choice to either make it to vacuo and reunite with team green, or jump in the hope they can do something for yang. And of course we all know all 4 of them are going to be in the void by the end of this episode, but Tbf I find the idea of them deciding to jump just. Very fitting.

Either way, if salem makes it or not, I do see the portals crumbling, penny most likely ending up on the vacuo side to deal with that storm (and finishing off team green), though most likely after an emotional goodbye with the rest of her team, and cinder and neo getting everything they ever wanted.

Neo, getting to see ruby fall (or jump) into the void, finally getting her revenge though... she might not survive salem realizing she stole the lamp. But then again, this is neo we are talking about, I can never predict her.

Cinder, just. Two relics and the password to the lamp, that’d be even more of a victory than beacon uh.

Aaand lastly, team green... yeah tbh I think either they get saved by a very wrecked penny, or a last minute save by team cvfy and the rest of the vacuo gang. Because even if the happy huntresses join in (I do see them ending up on the vacuo side tbh) they’re still probably not enough to deal with all that. Or maybe we’ll get an Oscar semblance reveal, that’d be nice too, paralleling jaune finding his in v5? Unlikely but one can hope.

(I do see jaune and Nora getting stuck dealing with whatever will remain of atlas and the people that won’t have been able to go through the portals in time tbh)

Also I bet the end credit scene, if we do get one is going to be team rwb, with or without yang, waking up wherever the void sends them, and that it’ll be vague enough for the fndm to lose its collective mind over it til v9 airs.

[lestered]

hey, brother

t (for language), 3.5k

It’s come time for Phil to reintroduce himself to Dan’s family in the proper context, but there’s one member that he’s not entirely confident about connecting with.

-

written for pff’s 2019 bingo fest! checks off “in-laws,” “cereal,” and “communication.”

read on ao3 or under the cut

Phil wakes up too early, like he usually does after spending the night in an unfamiliar bed. Not per his usual, though, he remembers where he is before he even opens his eyes, the soreness in his back an immediate reminder that he’s not at home, settled into a nest of warm grey sheets and cushy pillows in a bed with much better support than the double-size air mattress set up on the floor of Dan’s childhood bedroom.

“Uh, it’s not ideal,” Karen had told them while showing them upstairs, pushing open Dan’s closed bedroom door to reveal a large air mattress taking up the majority of the floorspace. “But setting a bed for Phil on the couch seemed a bit stupid, and expecting you both to cram all of your giant limbs into that tiny single bed… seemed even stupider.” 

Dan had just laughed and shook his head and tossed his bag lightly onto the center of the comforter spread neatly over their makeshift accommodation. “It’s great, mum. Thank you.”

Phil smiles to himself just thinking about it, still not quite ready to open his eyes. He knows it’s not a big deal, but at the same time it is a big deal - them sharing a bed in Dan’s family home, his mum making one up for them to share without even being asked. Phil knows that it means a lot to Dan, that six months later he’s still reeling from such overwhelming support from the people he’d spent most of his life just trying to hide from. Phil’s happy because Dan’s happy and also because it’s what’s right. That just makes him smile wider and roll onto his other side, reaching his arm out and searching for Dan’s warm body to snuggle into.

When his hand lands on nothing but an empty mattress, though, he frowns, and finally opens his eyes.

*

The house is quiet while he putters around upstairs, which he reckons is because it’s not even gone 7am according to his phone, which also has a text from Dan explaining that his Nana’s called him over to her house with an iPad-related technology issue. Unlike when they’re in London, he can’t quite get away with ignoring her early-morning calls when she’s just a few minutes away.

Phil does his best to stay quiet too, because his limbs are long and clumsy and Dan’s house is old with creaky floorboards so it’s truly a concerted effort, but he does manage to make it to the bathroom and back without a racket.

When he gets back, he perches on the bed - the real bed, Dan’s single bed, which seems so foreign and faraway now even though he’s literally right on top of it - and checks to see if Dan’s replied to his and how’s that going for you text.

He has. 

[Dan]: it’s all good she couldn’t connect to the wifi so i reset her router

[Dan]: she’s making breakfast now

Just reading the word breakfast makes Phil’s stomach grumble, and he stares forlornly at his phone screen as if it’ll make a bowl of cereal materialize right in front of him.

It doesn’t, but he does get another text.

[Dan]: have you eaten yet?

He blinks at the message a couple of times. He’d actually thought that he’d wait for Dan to get home to have breakfast with him. But now that Dan’s otherwise occupied… 

[Phil]: Um… no? I didn’t know your grandma was gonna keep you, so I was planning on waiting.

[Dan]: just go get something from the kitchen, you dingus. you’re a big boy, you know how to eat by yourself.

Phil rolls his eyes fondly, but he can’t really ignore the tiny, anxious fluttering in the pit of his stomach, as much as he wants to. He feels kind of stupid sending his next response, but it’s the truth.

[Phil] That’s weird though, it’s not my house. I can’t just like… help myself.

His stomach does another nervous little flip when he sees the three little gray dots pop up on Dan’s side of the screen, then go away again, then pop up again. It’s longer than Dan usually takes to type and it doesn’t take that many words to tell him he’s being daft.

He knows he is. It’s just that stupid anxiety that still crops up every now and then, the kind where he’s scared to make phone calls or answer the door or go to big gatherings and Dan covers him, but he’s not here to do that right now. And he shouldn’t have to be.

When Dan’s message finally pops up, he blows out a deep breath before reading.

[Dan]: i go down to the kitchen and fix myself food all the time when we’re at your parents’ house. i know it’s different here but mum wants you to make yourself at home and so do i so go to the kitchen and get yourself a fucking bowl of crunchy nut, i refuse to come home to see you all grumpy and haggard just because you didn’t have your morning coffee and cereal

Phil has to bite back a smile at that. The idea of getting close to Dan’s family, of making himself comfortable in their space, kind of scares him. He’s pretty sure it scares Dan, too, probably even moreso. But the fact that he wants to try - that he wants them both to try - makes him feel warm inside. 

[Dan]: srsly tho. go eat, i won’t be that much longer and then we can hide out in my room for a little while before lunch

He smiles because alone time with Dan is always a treat even when they’ve only been in others’ company for less than a day, and because Dan’s voice of reason has gone and made him properly hungry, more than he can ignore, so he’s going to satiate himself and he’s going to not worry about it on the way.

*

Phil’s not really sure where to go from here. He doesn’t want to go back up the stairs, because that could accidentally draw attention, and to be caught fleeing from the situation would be embarrassing. 

But, he also doesn’t really want to keep walking into the kitchen.

Karen had told them that Adrian wouldn’t be getting here until this afternoon. 

Phil doesn’t have a problem with him. He’s seen him enough times, had enough courteous chats with him over ten years. It’s kind of weird looking at him though, going on 22 years old, remembering how he’d been been scared shitless to meet him when he was just 12. He’d been scared shitless to meet Dan’s entire family, even though there wasn't anything to be scared about. He was Dan’s good friend, as far as they were concerned, and they were good at keeping up that act, at least around the family - his dad, his mum, his grandparents.

His brother.

He’s not sure if Adrian even particularly cares about him or his relationship with Dan. He does know that out of his entire family, he’d been the one that Dan was the least scared of coming out to. Phil doesn’t know if that’s because the emotional attachment there was less strong than to his mum and grandma, or because he was just younger and more likely to understand, or both.

Phil just doesn’t really know him.

It makes him a little sad. Dan and Martyn are such good friends and Phil loves it, how well Dan slots in with his family. It feels right. 

He has to remind himself all the time that it’s not the same with Dan. That Dan’s family doesn’t mean the same thing to him, that there’s residual fear and anxiety and they’re all still figuring it out with each other as they go and that Phil’s just very, very recently become a real part of it. Sort of. He’s not sure if Dan’s family really knows what to do with him. 

To be fair, he’s not really sure what to do with them either. It’s all new. That’s why spending Christmas with Dan’s family feels so huge, even though they’ve all been acting casual about it. He doesn’t feel casual. He doesn’t think any of them do, but it’s a work in progress.

He thinks back to Karen showing them into Dan’s room the day before.

“Next time you come round, we’ll have a proper double bed. It was probably stupid of me to expect you to fit into that single all by yourself once you hit puberty, anyway.” 

He remembers seeing Dan’s dimple cave in the way it does when he’s holding back a little smile, remembers thanking her when she left them to get settled in and Dan practically tackling him down onto the mattress. Remembers thinking how happy he was to have another safe space, that he could hardly imagine how Dan must be feeling, with that safe space finally being his own family. 

“Oh shit, Phil!”

*

Adrian’s expression once he’s finally turned around from the kitchen counter is startled, and Phil feels startled in return despite having just been stood there, staring like a freak.

He imagines it’s probably a comical sight from the outside - him standing frozen in his flannel pajama bottoms, Friends t-shirt, mismatched socks, glasses and bedhead, opposite Adrian and his oversized button-up shirt and running shorts, which seems to Phil to be an odd combination, but he supposes he can’t judge. His wrist tattoo peeks out from under the cuff, beside where he’s clutching a glass bottle of ketchup in his hand, and a tablespoon in the other.

“Sorry!” He finally manages, once his initial deer-in-headlights reaction wears off, and he takes a couple steps back. “Didn’t mean to interrupt anything, I’ll leave you to um…” He glances at the ketchup and tablespoon again. “...Whatever you’re doing.”

He’s about to turn back when Adrian sets his spoon down with a slightly-too-loud clamor. “No, that’s alright! I’m just… I don’t need a lot of room,” he turns and pushes the spoon to the side, along with a small bowl and a handful of other ingredients. He’s still gripping the ketchup very firmly when Phil approaches.

“Right, um,” Phil clears his throat a bit. “I just thought I’d come get some… cereal?” 

He phrases it like a question, even though it’s not, and quickly follows it up. “Dan’s having breakfast over at your nana’s, I guess, so… he said you guys might have Crunchy Nut.”

Adrian just watches as he opens the cupboard directly in front of him, which contains nothing but bowls and glasses. It kind of hits him then, as he’s taking out a bowl, that he doesn’t really know where the Howells keep anything in their kitchen. He doesn’t know his way around their home the way Dan does with the Lesters’.

Different circumstances, he reminds himself.

He doesn’t overthink anymore, because then Adrian’s handing him a box of Crunchy Nut, which he appears to have grabbed from the cupboard on his right. 

“We usually do,” he tells him, before going back to his cluster of ingredients on the counter. “It’s mum’s favorite.”

So that’s where Dan gets it from, he muses.

He thinks about saying as much, but settles instead for a quiet thanks before opening up the box and shaking some into his bowl. He glances over at Adrian while he’s ambling over to put it back in the cupboard, where he seems intently focused on smacking the bottom of the ketchup bottle as he holds it carefully over the tablespoon he’s set out on the counter. 

It’s so uncanny to look at him, even still. He and Dan have always looked alike, but the resemblance as they get older just seems to grow. Adrian still looks more like Karen while Dan looks more like their dad, not that Phil would ever bring that up. It’s just one of those things they know but don’t care to acknowledge, because there’s really no point.

It’s not just appearance. Adrian doesn’t just look like Dan, but he talks a lot like him too, he uses the same awkward body language, hand gestures and finger guns, and he’s got a rather foul mouth. Phil assumes he probably picked that up from Dan when they were kids, who picked it up from Karen, who he’s not sure she picked it up from, as their nana’s rather posh and proper and scolds Dan any time he uses a swear word on Twitter. 

That particular thought comes to him because Adrian’s currently cursing and mumbling under his breath - another habit he shares with Dan - as he tries and fails to get the ketchup out of the bottle. Phil pulls out a drawer and, relieved to find that it’s in fact the silverware drawer, pulls out a spoon before bumping it closed and looking across the counter. 

“Um,” He slides the spoon into his dry cereal. “What are you making?”

Adrian’s head jerks up, as if he’s surprised to see Phil still standing there, before sighing and setting down his bottle of ketchup. 

“Making a glaze for the lentil loaf we’re having tonight,” he tells him, and Phil has to do his best to keep a straight face. He knows that Christmas Eve dinner is going to be fully vegan; it’s a deal Karen had made with their grandma, on the condition that she’d be allowed to cook a supplementary turkey and mashed potatoes with real butter for Christmas dinner. He grins a little to himself, knowing that his presence at Christmas this year was a big reason for such a compromise. He knows that were it up to Karen, Dan, and Adrian, Dan’s grandparents might have spent Christmas stuck in Vegan Hell. He likes having that little bit of camaraderie with them, even if that camaraderie is rooted in questionable ethics. “If I can get the ketchup out of this ridiculous fucking bottle,” he glares at the glass bottle in his hand. “I was just trying to save the whales.”

Phil snorts a little, because that’s so like something Dan would say, before glancing between the bottle and the spoon again. “Have you tried putting it in a bowl first?”

Adrian glances at him curiously, and Phil opens cupboard and pulls out another bowl. 

“Can I?” He asks, and Adrian wordlessly hands him the bottle. He caps it again, shakes it till the ketchup actually slides down to the bottle opening, before uncapping it and smacking a few globs into the bowl. 

“Now just scoop out however much you need, and then you can scrape the excess back into the bottle,” he tells him, and slides the bowl back across the counter. Adrian just stares at it for a second, before breathing out a laugh and dropping his elbows down onto the counter. 

“Jesus fucking Christ, I’m so stupid,” he picks up the spoon and measures out one tablespoon into the other bowl, then two, then three. “Thanks,” he adds when he’s finished, glancing back over at Phil as he scrapes the leftovers back, as suggested. Phil just nods. 

“I can take that,” he offers, and Adrian hands the bottle over again. Phil heads over to the fridge, setting the ketchup inside and searching for a moment before pulling out a carton of almond milk and pouring some into his cereal. Adrian’s eyebrows shoot up in what seems to be pleasant surprise. 

“Oh, did Dan finally get you to go vegan too?”

Phil’s confused for a moment, before he actually registers what Adrian’s referencing and he glances at the carton in his hand and quickly sets it back inside the fridge. “Oh, no. No. Not vegan, just lactose intolerant,” he explains awkwardly, and Adrian gives him a slow nod before turning back to his glaze, while Phil takes his first spoonful of cereal. 

“Wait, what do you mean ‘finally’?” Phil asks after a few moments of silence, his spoon suspended halfway between the cereal bowl and his mouth. “Has he been trying?” 

Adrian glances up from where he’s drizzling a bit of carob syrup into his spoon, and purses his lips as if stifling a laugh, the exact same way Dan does. 

“Not actively, I don’t think,” he tells him, setting his syrup to the side and reaching for the balsamic vinegar. “He just complains sometimes that he can’t stick to the vegan diet when you’re always tempting him with animal products.”

Phil holds his gaze for a moment before they both burst out into laughter, him setting his cereal to the side and Adrian doing the same with his vinegar. 

“I’m kidding,” Adrian tells him, leaning his hip against the counter. “He just wants someone to blame for the fact that he loves meat and cheese.”

Phil chuckles and turns back to his cereal, because prolonged eye contact still makes him nervous. “The cheese is all him. If it were up to me we wouldn’t have any in the house, I can’t stand it.”

He takes another spoonful of his cereal and then without really thinking adds, “I did a video taste-testing different kinds once and felt sick for nearly a whole day afterwards.”

Adrian nods, smiles a little, and goes back to his balsamic vinegar. Phil kind of regrets saying anything then, because he’s not sure if YouTube is an okay topic for them to broach. Or social media, or the internet in general. He’s had a number of things he’s wanted to say to Adrian for a little while, many of them along the lines of I’m sorry we kept this huge secret from you for so long, but one of them also being I’m sorry our fans harassed you off the internet, especially when you were just a kid. That one’s been brewing for more than a little while, actually. But he has a feeling he should keep his mouth shut. Some things might be best just left in the past, and it’s not really up to him to decide if this is one of them.

“So anyway-” he starts after a few moments of silence, at the same time that Adrian lifts his head and says, “So you guys-”

They pause at the same time, and laugh awkwardly, and Phil leans back against the counter. 

“Sorry,” he says. “Go ahead.”

Adrian turns back and briefly stares into his bowl of glaze again. He’s still stirring it idly when he looks up to make eye contact. “So you guys have kinda been through a lot together, huh?”

Phil feels a bit of a lump in his throat and a squirming in the pit of his stomach because this is a conversation he’s had. He’s had it with Dan, with Dan’s mum, and even his grandma. But he never really thought anything would come from his brother. He figured they might have gotten up to some heart-to-hearts on their family trip to France earlier in the year, but he wasn’t expecting that to extend to him. 

“Um. Yeah,” he sighs, and drums his fingers on the countertop to release some of the nervous energy. Suddenly Adrian looks so young. Barely younger than Phil was when he met Dan, and that feels like a lifetime ago. When Dan was so full of pain and sorrow and yearning, desperate to get away from the first eighteen years of his life and start anew.

He knows Dan’s life growing up was shitty for reasons besides the homophobic assholes who made his life a living hell at school. 

“You guys too, though,” he finally ventures, hesitantly, questioningly. 

Adrian seems surprised, but not offended, which comes as a relief. 

“Yeah,” he nods and turns back to his bowl of glaze again, beginning to stir again even though it looks thoroughly mixed. “Lots of levels in Portal I couldn’t have beaten without his help.”

That’s not all there is to it, Phil’s painfully aware, but he doesn’t push it. He knows, and he’s sure Adrian knows he knows, and there’s not really any need to go any further. 

And luckily there’s no need to try and think of anything else, because just then they hear the front door swinging open, followed by a couple of happy yips and then Dan walking into the kitchen, bringing with him a gust of cold air and Colin trotting at his heels.

“Oh, good, you found the cereal.” Dan says when he notices the bowl sitting on the counter, and when Adrian’s turned away he rests a hand on the small of Phil’s back and quietly kisses his cheek.

Dan’s lips and nose are cold, but Phil’s cheeks warm up all the same.

He occupies himself with his cereal again, which has gone quite soggy, while Dan reaches into the fridge for some orange juice and then glances over at Adrian’s concoction. 

“Whatcha making there?” He asks, and Adrian smiles brightly. 

“Glaze for the lentil loaf,” he replies, and holds up the spoon. “Wanna taste?” 

Dan strides over, and takes a little lick off the spoon. Phil can tell from his expression that he’s not exactly thrilled, but he nods and gives a thumbs up anyway. 

“Tastes great,” he tells his brother. “Can’t wait for dinner.”

Adrian catches onto the bullshit, because it’s not that hard, meets Phil’s gaze and joins him in a fond eyeroll.

Phil waits for Dan to come back and stand beside him, bumps their shoulders together, and takes another bite of his Crunchy Nut.

-

thanks for reading!

[moonytaeil-blog]

Dust - SUPERHERO!NCT Fic

CHAPTER 1 - HUNGOVER

Description: College is the literal worse but now a bunch of dudes have superpowers and it’s literally somehow worse??? srsly who thought it was a good idea to give college guys superpowers jfc??? especially to nct like ten can’t even wash his goddamn hands like  except for the dreamies leave them out of my mess they deserve better

Warnings: Assault, rape, LOTS OF PROFANITY, too many of my opinions, sexual situations, depression, anxiety, dRUGS, unedited, alcohol, college sucking, violence, nct being dumb per usual (assault & rape are only talked about not described in detail)

Index: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 - coming soon folks

Word Count: 1392

The night had already begun to fade. Bright lights flickered in every direction as Jason Derulo’s lonely voice echoed off of the paneled walls. Beer cans and other empty containers littered the floor. Hazy smoke billowed from the porch, pungent, yet fleeting. Taxis lined the curb as belligerent freshmen forced their other belligerent friends into the back seats and followed suit. It was already Sunday.

You had faded some time ago, having fallen asleep on a stranger’s bed early in the night. An unfortunate game of Slap Cup left you with your head dazed, and your liver most likely coming terribly close to failing. You were passed out within half an hour after losing and entirely unsure of the most recent events.

Forcing yourself to your feet, you exited the stranger’s bedroom and glanced at your phone. 3:30 A.M., Sunday September 18th. National cheeseburger day according to snapchat filters, and also your 20th birthday.

As you wandered around the mostly empty house, you found that your friends had most likely already left. It could’ve been hours, but they hadn’t left you any message or indication of concern.

You stepped outside, feeling the cool air pinch your skin. A lone person remained on the porch, leaning over the railing and rolling a thin joint between his fingers. His hair had been through some sort of massacre, thick dusty-blond locks sticking up wildly. It appeared as if his clothes hadn’t fared well either, as dried vomit remained on his shirt. If you had to guess, you would’ve said his night had been far worse than yours.

He flinched as the screen door snapped closed behind you. “Jesus,” the boy muttered before taking a long hit.

Somehow, you managed to recognize him. Hours before, he had been an entirely different person. He stood next to your during Slap Cup, and took no mercy on you. In that game, he had made you drink about four beers before he made you lose and drink that awful vodka contraption. The boy played Slap as if he spent most of his days playing golf with his fraternity brothers and nights chasing after girls and chugging Natty Lite. Everyone was chanting his name by your third beer in Slap. Jeffrey! Jeffrey! Jeffrey!

“Is that my vomit?” you inquired quietly, joining him at the railing. You had to grip the chipped wood tightly, as if you were going to fall off the porch.

He didn’t meet your gaze, and took another hit. “Yeah. You were about a foot away from the toilet when you hit me.”

“I’ll buy you a new shirt,” you offered.

The boy shook his head. “It’s my fault. Should’ve known you were a lightweight.”

You stood silently, looking out into the street. All of the cabs had driven away at that point, leaving just you and the boy outside.

“How are you not drunk right now?” you asked while attempting to retrieve the joint from his hands.

He held it away from your reach and finally looked at you. “It takes a lot for me to get drunk,” the boy answered simply. “And no person in the right mind would let you smoke after that.”

“I’m not drunk anymore,” you refuted. “I slept for five hours and vommed most of the liquor.”

He smiled slightly, the corner of his lips barely turning upwards. “You’re probably hungover, then.”

You snagged the blunt and held it to your lips. “I am.”

--

Your dreams were reminiscent of that night. Instead of being surrounded by darkness, you saw red. The sound of shouts nearly roused you out of your slumber, but you remained in that hellish world. Your head still span, unable to regain stability.

There you were once more, in that bed, your body incapable of moving.

A shadow loomed over you, only a smirk able to be seen. You knew his intentions from the beginning, yet could not protest. It was as if you were held by a straightjacket, a muzzle over your mouth.

Before anything could happen, you heard the door slam open. “Dude, what the hell are you doing?”

The shadowed figure didn’t respond and attempted to push the other person out of the door. That’s when everything became even more hazy. You could only hear punches landing and noises of defeat from the perpetrator.

You finally regained control and managed to sit up in the bed. “Thanks,” you slurred, tears running to your chin messily.

Your savior nodded curtly before turning away from you. The second he left, you realized his identity. Scarlet Hawk.

The realization forced you to awaken.

You glanced at your cell phone, the time reading 12:45 in the afternoon. Your roommate had awoken hours ago, and had turned from her laptop to give you a confused expression.

“I had this weird dream that I was being assaulted,” you explained, wiping at your sweaty forehead. “And that Scarlet Hawk randomly saved me.”

“Hmm,” she muttered, returning her attention to her computer once more.

You let out a quiet laugh. “Yeah, it’s rather horrible, isn’t it? When you have to look for men to save a girl from other men...I don’t think it would pass the Bechdel Test at all.”

Your roommate ignored you, but you kept pondering the thought of it. Despite your friends being absolutely shitty, they would be ten times more likely to save you from a random guy than any other man. Yet this was a subplot of several superhero movies.

It shouldn’t have happened in real life.

--

The second time you had that dream, you couldn’t help but think of one of your ex-boyfriends.

Your ex-boyfriend managed to get his hands on a gun long before the supers had appeared. At the time, he was only seventeen and hadn’t even graduated high school.

Neither him or his family had ever been in immediate danger at any point in their lives. Yet he claimed that he needed the protection at all times. And carried the gun around in his belt loop.

You, on the other hand, never felt the need for that.

When you were fourteen, you joined the cross country team without any expectations. Within the span of the season, you received a total of fourteen catcalls, you had been flashed, and the team was forbidden from running solely in sports bras. Your best friend had been raped after a party, after she begged the boy not to. Strange men followed you in a van as you walked to your bus stop on more than one occasion.

You tried to explain this all to him, but you couldn’t even explain it yourself at the time. There had been so many instances where you had been put in dangerous situations, all before becoming an adult. But you never bought pepper spray, or much less felt the need to buy a gun.

It’s needless to say, but as soon as he tucked a gun into his belt, you broke up with him.

When the supers first appeared, you couldn’t help but notice they were all men prancing around in tight uniforms shouting about justice and all. How painfully ironic.

You realized with the third repeated dream that those events were most likely real. It was more than common for girls to be taken advantage of at parties, especially when they’re really out of it. Shit, was it a generic plot line, but it happened to be your reality.

Each dream became more vivid than the last. Every second slowed. You could make out Scarlet Hawk’s dusty blond hair, the black speck in his eyes, the way his lip curled in anger. It was the first time you had seen another guy genuinely upset about the atrocities that happen to girls. He was quiet in doing his job, barely drawing any attention to himself.

Though he took your attacker out, he didn’t do anything excessively. He didn’t beat the living shit out of him. He didn’t make a lot of noise.

The dream remained recurring for the rest of the week. Each night you realized something different. Hawk had double eyelids, but definitely was of Asian descent. Dark bags rested beneath his eyes as well. You felt like some generic  bitch for this one, but you realized how attractive he was, too.

Everything lined up. Fuck irony.

[actuallyschizoid]

Hi, thanks for your blog! I wanted to ask if you play anything. You said you have a good hearing or so, and I was thinking if it's possible for SZPD to be musicians? I used to play bass myself, and I'm SZ{D, but I'm not too good at it.

Someone asked me about music before, like in this post, and there could be more on my music tag. But I guess we can talk a bit about music again.

No, I don’t really play anything. I used to visit a children music school… something like three times, actually — around 7, then couple years later and… another couple years later (I’m not quite sure if there was actually third time applying there, though, or maybe I just took a long break from it). But each time I could only last for a few weeks before dropping it. So I literally remember nothing, and there wasn’t much to remember in first place coz it was just the basic stuff all over again. 

Still, I do know a bit about music theory — I learned it much later (most of it not too long ago, actually). Not much, just some general stuff about scales, keys, chords, etc. Why? Well, because I find it curious sometimes. I like that system thing about sounds and human perception of it, etc. 

Basically, I treat music just like any other language, poking on patterns and interconnections, finding correlations and dependencies, all that tension/resolution interplay and other not-too-obvious details about music. 

On occasion I even toy a bit with composing. Of course, most of it is just messing around with whatever weird ass scale and rhythm I pick at random. It’s never meant to be heard by anyone but me, anyway. Most of the time it probably sounds like a poor parody on old anime tunes or whatever old dusty classic bits I heard before and forgot where it’s from. I don’t generally share this kind of stuff, but just to illustrate, here’s a tiny example:

https://instaud.io/Xiv

I tried to grab at least somewhat less-then-horrible bit of my resent massive piece of random noise, but yeah… (btw, if you happen to recognize any familiar pattern in it, I’d actually appreciate if you let me know coz my memory sucks at recalling sources)

Anyway, for whatever reason I had this tendency to come up with weird “music” ever since, like, grade school?.. Though people never believed I didn’t just heard it somewhere (which pissed me off sometimes) . >.> And mostly likely that’s exactly what I did — just not from a single source. I remember “composing” silly songs out of bits of whatever pop garbage was on repeat on tv/radio back then, which… actually, compared to the quality of what’s currently considered pop music in Russia, it probably wasn’t all that terrible. -_-’ Sometimes I have a subtile feeling it is, in fact, being composed by random toddlers nowadays. >.>

Now, the tricky part is… I don’t really play any instrument. Not even piano. If you give me a keyboard and say “play it”, that just won’t work. I might know how it could be played, but my fingers dexterity and skill is barely enough to play Mary has a little lamb or something. I don’t even own any kind of piano. There are couple dad’s old guitars collecting dust somewhere, but I literally have zero clue how to use those.

You might ask, how can I write anything if that’s the case? Well that’s pretty easy because there’s a free GarageBand app shipped with some of my apple devices. ^^’ It has this nice little mode that allows to just draw synthesia-like notes with either general laptop keyboard and even just by tapping on touchpad/iPad. 

So yeah, tbh I don’t care enough to learn to play anything as long as I can still write down all those shitty tunes that boggles my mind whenever I feel like it. That being said, I don’t really know all that much about music in general and honestly I barely listen anything. I don’t even know which genre I prefer (tho know the ones I really dislike). 

The only exception being some awesome musicians, mostly perfect-pitch ones, who just do really impressive stuff that doesn’t hurt my ears and which at least isn’t annoying to get stuck on when there’s nothing else to do. Lately I got a habit of listening to life improv streams on twitch, like those two. 

Also I can’t listen to music while doing other stuff. Not sure how people manage to have music as a background while still being able to focus on something else. If there’s music, 99% of my focus will be stuck to it. Hence there’s almost never music unless that is exactly the effect I intend to achieve like in public places where I get annoyed a lot by the noises, voices and just general too many people around.

Now, the separate issue is that music is generally being tied to emotions. That’s probably part of the problem why I don’t feel all that strongly attached to music in first place. Though I think I got a bit better in this regard over last couple years. Not that I can actually feel things from music, but at least it’s no longer 9 out of 10 chance to just fall completely flat unless it’s over the top amazing and then it might be just enough to barely grab my attention. 

Still, like in my tiny example above, I’m not even quite sure which emotional tone it has. If at all?.. Maybe, I dunno, some light curiosity/fascination mood? But I heard it before that music can help some schizoids (as well as autistic people and others who has alexythymia and similar oblivious-to-your-own-emotions issues) to get at least some feedback out of otherwise unreachable parts of sub/consciousness. Not quite sure if it actually works, but it might have some potential.

Oh, and now I scrolled up to (re-)read the rest of the question. >.> Hm… well, I don’t really think there’s anything stopping szpd people from being musicians. Other then, probably, disliking the very idea to play for other people, to be the center of attention, or having too strong emotional void trait to the point where music has no value. But that’s not the case for every schizoid, though no idea about you, anon. 

Perhaps if you really feel like music is your thing, you could try what I’m talking about in this post — to just compose music instead of playing it. Most schizoids are good with patterns, and music is all about patterns. I’m pretty sure there are lots of schizoids among all those famous (and not so much) composers of the past and present. Maybe some performers with szpd also exist, especially among some alternative kinds of music that isn’t quite mainstream. Though I can’t think of many examples, but I don’t know personalities of all that many musicians.

Ok, I hope no one’s too surprised by now that I ended up writing a wall of text even on nearing a complete offtopic ask. >.> Srsly, you should get used to it by now if you follow me and read this. To make it at least a bit closer to the blog theme, feel free to add up if you have any specific thoughts about music in context of schizoidness or coping with szpd or whatever else.

[mika-shion]

Late-night Revelation

Sorry guys, it's like....2 in the morning but I haven't said a word in a while and I thought you should have at least some idea of what's been wrong with me recently.... I'm just..... I'm so.... so tired. Everything I found I was passionate about is fucking depressing me. Talking with my friends is more taxing than it used to be. I'm too tired to draw or too busy to sing. Which doesn't really matter cuz I'm getting worse by the day anyway. My stories are growing stale in my head while I try to develop them. My friends are either becoming distant or they're turning into unbearable jerks(Connor). Then there's my future: I can't even fucking comprehend living on my own cuz I can't manage working any available job. I've got no long term goals outside of Y-3K, which btw might as well be dead at this point. And then there's me. I can't concentrate, can't sleep, can't eat right. Can't talk, take care of myself, care about myself, can't express much anymore outside of anger, frustration, depression, or apathy. I can't even cry unless I'm physically talking to someone about any of these. Even now I'm just barely on the verge of tears but that apparently doesn't cut it anymore. I'm too desensitized. I'm a mess and can't find the bliss I need in life. If not for me having a small, indefinable chunk of hope somewhere in me, I'd say I wanna die. ....is this even hope? I couldn't tell you. I'd rather call it that than instinct tbh, cuz that's more so what it feels like. ........... My mom has been really sick this past week, coughing A LOT. Sounds painful and I've been told it might be whooping cough. AND GUESS FUCKING WHAT, She's gotta work still. Literally no other options for us. My dad and sister are working too but I don't think my sister actually helps w the bills(could be wrong) and my dad doesn't seem to provide much.. But I guess this is another conversation all on it's own. ...I guess I'm at the point in my life where those around me are forced to consider their own mortality. Because of that, I've somehow managed to do the same. Mostly for those around me though. ....Thinking about how I'd react if my mom died, like... tomorrow or smth. ......I'd honestly do literally anything and everything I could. Gash my arms open, OD, chug bleach, drown myself, jump off a building. Just whatever would be the quickest and most convenient at the time I found out... Cuz I wouldn't be able to survive on my own, certainly not right now anyway. I guess I wouldn't be alone, my sisters, my dad... I guess, god mother, I'd have people. But I've been through so many changes recently that I still haven't been able to process that one big thing like that would be too much. That'd be the straw that broke my camel's back. I'd need an immediate out. Meaning I'd either start some srsly hard drugs, which the thought of fucking disgusts me btw, of I'd die. No other way around it. I wanna live, I really do. But I've been beaten down too much, I couldn't take it. And I definitely can't live on mt own right now, if fucking ever. Cuz I'm too much of a fucking wuss to work any job out there. Whether it's cuz of the days or the tasks within the job itself. I'm just too scared. I'd just be a pathetic burden and I feel disgusting... ........ I wish I had some sort of resolve for this one like I do for most of these, but I just can't find it. .......someone I care about called themselves "broken" recently....that sounds like a p accurate description for me rn. Now I know damn well that's not true, but that won't stop me from saying it. .....fuck I wish I wasn't born xD

[onepiecematchmaker]

hello, i saw the askbo open or so you said by the post, so i was assuming if it was okay to send in a match up request through here? since its a bit long! if not please ignore this.

can i request a male matchup pls?

Im an INFJ slim sagittarius girl with waist long wavy dark Brown hair and eyes, 177cm and light olive skin.

Hobbies: although lately i haven’t had the time (bcs these thing cost time and money which i can’t freely use atm bcs im saving it for a house hahaha.) i like to every often exercise/hit the gym when i have time (although regulated since i have breathing problems) and also judo. when im at home or alone surfing through the internet, watching movies or series. Or take a stroll with friends or walking/playing with my dog.

also going out to eat nice food is always a must - i love food. though that runs in the blood bcs me and my younger cousin are like two luffys, we eat a lot but surprisingly we never get fat… its a mystery (if i knew the formula i would give it srsly but eve idk how this happens). i also like to cook because its fun trying to perfect the recipes and adding flavours and decorating it, but washing the dishes sucks Character: Im a perfectionist and will always try to do my best and its easy for me to get frustrated; i dislike slacking, dishonesty, lying, disloyalty and selfishness.

Im quite honest and will always speak the truth unless i have the need to hide it from problematic people; i can keep a secret if you ask me to and will expect the same; if you break my trust i will not forgive - which is difficult to gain since i many hurt me a lot before, due to bullying and narc abuse at home hence traumas+anxiety worsen it.

I often joke and playfight with those im close to a lot, so i like people who are positive and with good sense of humour: aka memes, puns and maybe light pranks.(for dirty jokes you need friend level 20. XD)

Im a bit emotional and can get pissed off easily or hurt , but since im prideful i keep it all in and do not show it until im by myself (that being said i don’t cry easily, only when i’m at the brink of my limits)

Im also quite theorical (in which everything has a reason behind it/ logic) methodical (everything must have a method) analytical and calculating since i want to be a step ahead and get the truth ou of everything and plan strategies. im observant and study people’s behaviour and expressions a lot, so i can quickly guess why they act in a way, often coming with the theories for everything they do, since i need to fulfill the thirst for knowledge about everything around me .

I am quite independent and dislike clinginess - I always try to do things without help even if im not an expert on it and i need to have my space and get tired of crowds. I also am an individualist and prefer my own style and way of things, i dislike being equal to others (be it in clothes, ideas, although i go for the ‘elegant secretary’ style on work days and hipster outside the office, i honestly dont have queers of my body - tbh all of us should love our bodies bcs they’re precious!! and no one can copy them).

Im in another hand, quite shy and awkward with people i dont know (specially guys, although it has been gtting easier over the years), so i’ll be usually quiet and when people compliment me i usually either try to joke about it with confidence(if i already know them well) or just stay quiet because im not used to being liked.

i’m not one to judge before knowing the person and seeing their behavior, be it whoever they are. although if you have an ugly heart you will not even be considered in my opinion as a human or a decent person.

I also love animals and kids (if you dont like them then you’re not fit for me.) I literally have to stop on my tracks to pet random dogs, cats or whatever i find (it doesn’t matter if its tame or not, i will try to pet it srsly - i petted eagles too before. animals for me are amazing). also i can’t stand a crying child in need of aid even if they’re not my cousins or related - surprisingly maybe bcs i relate to having been abused by my narcissitic birthgivers i can easily know how children feel so i try to give them my best attention at their needs and they often go to me for anything.

abilities: I love languages and i can speak fluently english, spanish and my main: portuguese (im trying to handle italian and japanese atm) though i want to speak more. i also like to draw chibis (pls dont judge) when im bored.

Perfect date idea: i dislike superficiality and people tried to buy me with gifts before, so i quickly realized that i’d rather have people share even just 5 minutes of their time with me rather than the former so for me, as casual as possible and as crowdless as possible, but still fun would do: maybe a night at the cinema or stargazing in the park, a day in the beach waiting for the sunset to pour, or a dinner in a casual restaurant. cuddling under blankets while watching action/adventure or commedy movies also seems like a good idea if both of us are broke lol X’D (as long as you dont make me watch cliche romcons i’m good - and horror movies). Prepare for awkwardness though bcs i look cool but im a salty, awkward nerd.

*bows* thank you so much for your availability for this match-up request.

Sorry about this taking so long, to others that have sent in asks, I’m working on them and should post them soon. On to the match! 

 I’d match you with Kaku! He’s hardworking and his personality would compliment yours well. While he may have lied to everyone in water 7 for years and ended up being part of CP9 he was the only one that genuinely felt bad about it and wished that he could go back to the life that he had in Water 7. With some patience and understanding the two of you could be a great match.