#spreading the taemin agenda across the fandoms

[hoshees]

so i'm going to preface this by saying that these are entirely my own opinions, i in no way think these opinions are superior, but they are based on how i've been feeling lately, no matter how accurate or misplaced those feelings may be.

i’m addressing some things i’ve noticed in the shinee fandom (not as a whole, but regularly) lately that have been bothering me.

 you have every right to disagree with me, and i will gladly talk through these disagreements if you'd like to, so long as your response is respectful and acknowledges that i'm permitted to have my own stance here, because i definitely believe you are permitted to have yours. please don't bother responding to this unless you actually read everything. i know it's very long, and i apologize if i don't word things clearly or make errors in communicating myself accurately. please give me some leeway in this, as these words are coming from a really raw place, and i don't entirely trust myself to speak with confidence. 

also please note that some of this may be triggering. i talk about jonghyun and some of the feelings i had after his death, so please be aware of that as you read. i've marked the section where i begin to discuss this with an asterisk (*). 

here we go. first, some background. i got in deep into kpop a couple of years ago after taemin's press it album was released, and found myself falling in love with not only taemin's music but also with  shinee's. i was really attracted to their talent, their varied discography, and their personalities. but what really sealed the deal for me were shawols. i joined tumblr originally under the url @/celes-tae, (i'd been on tumblr for years prior under another url, but never posted kpop content) and as a new blogger i didn't understand everything at first but i felt really comfortable right away. shawols seemed kind, mature, intelligent... so many things that i really craved in companionship with others, even if it was just online. i felt like i was a little late to the game (at the time i was 23 and was really only a casual listener of kpop before then), but i felt like that didn't matter to this fandom. people were so kind, and as i began to embrace a role as a content-creator i really felt like i was appreciated and accepted into this niche that i really loved. beyond that, i was able to form friendships that have proven to be really valuable to me and have really touched my heart. at the time, i really felt like shawols were generally more accepting than other fandoms i dabbled in. this is based mostly off of some of the people and words i came across on this website, and of course not as an accurate representation of any fandom as a whole, but i felt for a very long time that i would be one of those people who only stanned one group and that group would be shinee, because everything else seemed to complicated to grasp for a newcomer like me. as i got more into the music, though, i realized that there were so many other great things i was missing out on, and i steadily became more multifandom, first with getting more into monsta x than the casual fan i had been up until that point, and then with seventeen. i also started listening to bts more, because i really liked their music, but i distanced myself from the fandom simply because it felt really complex and it wasn't something i wanted to take the effort to navigate and find my place in at the time. this went on for a while, and i made friends with so many people and started making content for monsta x and seventeen in addition to shinee and just did what made me happy, and none of this ever had a negative impact on my friendships or more casual interactions on tumblr, at least none that were made evident to me. i went to shinee concerts and made more friends, gushed about new content  and new music with others, and it was all so lovely... even with the occasional controversies among shawols nothing ever really seemed to break us or cause major discord, and i was so proud of that.   on november 2, 2017, i accidentally deleted my blog (then @/taeminihyuk), and had to remake. i was devastated because of the content i lost, of course, but mostly because i knew it would be difficult if not impossible to reestablish all of the connections i'd made with people via that blog. this didn't end up being the case though. i was welcomed back by old friends and made TONS of new ones, many of whom i'm close with now. since remaking, i've felt so much positivity and love from others and seen so much of these same emotions exchanged on my dash, and i can't help but smile. of course this is just a website, and is in no way a replacement for flesh and blood human relationships, but that doesn't mean it can't have a vastly positive impact on people's lives, because it really has on mine. through this blog i've been exposed to music and art that has directly inspired me in my own life, and brought me out of some pretty dark places. i think that's what this should be about more than anything. not notes or fame or awards or streams, but the real evidenced impact that being a fan of a musician, or any art, can bring. please keep this in mind as you read on. * when jonghyun passed away, i felt a sadness that i've never felt before. i won't say it's the worst pain i've ever felt, but it was different, more suffocating and unexpected, than any pain i'd experienced up until then. in no way am i insinuating that you are wrong in your reactions to his death if you feel differently from how i did. i know that for many people there was no worse pain than the reality of losing him, and these feelings are valid, and you are entitled to feel and react to that sadness however you want. for me though, the heartbreak came not only from the sudden loss, but also in viewing everything that shattered afterward. in the people i knew and some who didn't, who were broken. at first, as with any devastation, people came together in support of one another. i received messages from bloggers i'd never interacted with before, who wanted to just check on me and let me know they were there if i needed them. i did my best to reciprocate that sentiment and tried to be a source of comfort for people. in many ways this was harmful though, because i didn't spend enough time actually grieving, and in many ways i'm still feeling some of the repercussions of that. regardless, the love and care that i saw from other people in those weeks following his death are things i'll look back on with gratefulness probably forever. 

as time wore on though, that sense of camaraderie faded. it's natural for that to happen, but it left room for lots of negative voices to ring louder than others. people started policing others for their expressions of grief or lack thereof. people who identified as shawols were telling others that they weren't entitled to grieve if they hadn't been fans of him before his death. people used jonghyun's name to push agendas that were problematic at best and downright harmful at worst. the ways people talked to each other changed. there was no more delicacy, at least not in the louder voices. when i noticed a lot of these things, i felt myself pulling away even more. because i was immersed in other groups, i spoke less about shinee. i still blogged quietly, but i didn't feel like i could really participate in the fandom anymore, because i wanted to compartmentalize and go back to the reasons why i got into kpop in the first place, which at the time seemed separate from shinee. i wanted to feel warm again, and all of the fighting and discourse was stripping that away, in my view. i didn't identify with single-fandom shawols that viewed them as their everything because i hadn't been around for years and years, as i said, i only got into all of this in early 2016, so it wasn't as embedded in my life and my understanding of my relationships and choices as it was for others. i also didn't identify with people who weren't shawols, the "i'm not a shawol, but..." mentality, because i still very much felt that i was a shawol at heart. i kept drifting back and forth between feeling like i had a place and was content in my understanding of what shinee was to me and then just being really confused, and sometimes i felt alone and hurt. when onew, key, minho, and taemin went ahead with the tokyo dome concerts, i had mixed feelings. i wanted them to take time to rest and grieve, i wanted them to be happy above everything, but i knew there was nothing i could do to help them in that regard, and a really selfish part of me wanted them to keep making music because i thought "i can't lose this too." i live-streamed the audio for the first night, and it was terrible, but also really good for me, because i finally felt like a shawol again. i finally felt like i was part of that community, and i could really grieve. this next paragraph is a bit of an aside, but the concerns i express here directly play into my discussion of shinee later, so please read it too: after monsta x tickets went on sale a few months ago, i saw a lot of worrying stuff that really bothered me. ticketing was a nightmare, and a lot of monbebes who really loved monsta x weren't able to get the tickets they wanted or couldn't get tickets at all. some people lashed out at those who had gotten tickets, saying things like "i only stan monsta x" or "they're everything to me" or "i've been here since debut" and then insinuating or even downright stating that the people who didn't meet those criteria or were multifandom didn't deserve tickets. this was a really ugly side of the monsta x fandom that i'd never really seen before, and it made me feel ostracized, because i considered myself multifandom and had gotten a good ticket to the concert. this blew over, as most things do, but i think that this mentality has really tarnished the fandom, and i still see hints of it every now and then, and i wish that it wasn't there. as rumors of a shinee comeback spread, i felt mixed feelings again. i saw more hate than i'd ever seen on my dash, between fandoms and between shawols. misunderstandings that grew out of proportion, people who felt like they couldn't voice anything without being attacked, whether that be happiness that shinee was continuing or sadness that they were going to release music for the first time without jonghyun. i want to take this time to say that no matter what your feelings are regarding shinee's comeback, they are valid because they are yours. personally, i'm excited, but again i am also absolutely devastated. all of my happiness is two fold with sadness, and i say that as someone who has only been a fan through 2 comebacks, so i can't imagine what its like for others, and i won't try to speak for you. for me, this comeback has been a weird mix of excitement and disappointment. i'm excited because it seems like onew, key, minho, and taemin are releasing music because they want to do it. i'm disappointed because it feels like jonghyun is being left behind. i don't know if there's any way to not feel like this. some of this has to do with sm removing his memorial. some of this has to do with the ambiguity surrounding the album and whether or not he had an influence on or part in it.... ....some of this disappointment has to do with some of the behavior i'm seeing from shawols. tumblr has a kind of discourse surrounding it where sarcasm runs amok and softness is often taboo. but i am going to take the time to make a few things clear, as far as my opinions are concerned. i think it is TOTALLY okay to only stan shinee. that is your choice. you are in control of your likes and dislikes, your loves and hates. however, it is NOT okay to belittle other people for calling themselves shawols while also stanning other groups. i haven't seen much of this in a blunt sense on my dash, but i have seen hints at exclusionism (that's not a word, but roll with it), that i find really terrible, because it's ostracizing and belittling to people who really love shinee and want to support them. i think it is TOTALLY okay to say that you don't like _____'s music or even that you hate it, but to insinuate that a person who likes that group/it's music is unintelligent because they like it is NOT okay. people are allowed to like what they like, and you need to be respectful of that. i think it is TOTALLY okay to point out the realities of why you don't like a group, like their music, or don't like their negative fans, but i don't think it's okay to ball up everyone in the same group and say "____ fandom needs to shut up" or "you aren't a shawol so you aren't valid." this is really harmful for a lot of reasons. some i can't really express in words right now, but please know that these are toxic viewpoints in my opinion, and i want you to think about your words and their consequences before you say something like this. i would like to note that a lot of these problems i'm addressing come after loads of bullshit from anons and other people who have insulted shawols, belittled them, and driven them to anger. i understand why it's frustrating, and i know i've said problematic things when i was feeling attacked, too. i have to ask though, why are we fighting fire with fire? you may feel like you've been stripped of your ownership to this one thing you find comfort in, but i ask you, please don't push people away so you can cling to it harder. there's enough room for everyone. this isn't finite. i can't speak for jonghyun, but i can speak to the feelings i had after he died, the things i saw on this website that were so overwhelmingly comforting during a time when it felt like nothing mattered. that the only thing to do was find a way out. i really want shawols to think about how they are interacting, not only with other fandoms, but with each other. don't do the same things you criticize other people for. the similar, although different breed of elitism i saw after monsta x tickets were released and people said "you're not a real monbebe if...." has now been mirrored on my dash to statement like "you're not a real shawol if...." and i'm disappointed and sad to see it. again, i want to reiterate that it's definitely permissible to stan one group. to identify only as a shawol and nothing else. just please do that with words of love and respect. i want to say a lot more, and i feel like what i've said didn't come out the way i wanted it to, but i'm going to wrap this up now, and hope that i don't come across too terribly. i just want people to be kind to each other, and to be inclusive. maybe that's naive of me, but i really wish for it, and i'm not ashamed of that. think about the reasons you came here in the first place. they're positive, right? remember that there are a lot of people here who are new to this, and they need to see that there's good here. please be kind always. - logan