1-800-salem

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i have a very elevated opinion of myself and what i'm capable of

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the thing about me is that i think nobody should have anything to say about anything i do ever (unless they're praising me)

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i would rather kill myself than have a 5 year plan. live freely

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bleached my eyebrows. the world is sunshine and rainbows

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something about just laying on my bed in full glam while my silly little dad rock plays from my silly little speaker

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js saw this guy say "the dullness pierced again" and that literally explains exactly how i feel td

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i'm not even here

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feeling mentally and physically incapable of rushing to be ready for class in time might js skip 😜😜

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sometimes the only way to be the coolest and sexiest cunt bitch on campus is to stare numbly into the mirror once a week while you get ready for your 8 am programming class (mitski in the background somewhat optional)

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heh

there's this girl at school that's the epitome of my type and we had a thing for a little while but she treated me soooo bad and it was so crazy bc she literally hit me up first. she's so hot though if she wants to fuck again i fear i will not say no

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lesbian sex is the solution to everything

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am i still cool

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i like my image as the cool alt girl who's always down to have fun and dabble in a few substances. i've always been the boring and shy one so it finally feels like i've left that behind

resumed uni yesterday and it was so good to be high again last night for about 5 minutes until I became hyperaware of the men around me and how deeply,, utterly repulsed i am by them. it was a feeling that gradually increased until I genuinely could not take it anymore,, could not stand to let myself be perceived by thosw horrible creatures for another minute. i know they will always look at me with some level of attraction. i know they're thinking about me. i don't want it. it makes me sick.

i ended up hanging out with two different guys and a friend. watching them do their thing slowly brought the repulsed feeling back and made me realize i'm really out at 2 am smoking and drinking with men that mean nothing to me,, their presence inspiring a nauseous feeling at best

i joke about the bad influence friend our parents warn us about because i think it's a funny little thing (because i'm not all that bad. i just like to be a little out of my mind and kiss girls from time to time) but when i watched my friend who i've always seen as too young for this environment pour back that smirnoff chocolate and vape like some kind of pro,, it hit me then that i really am being a bad influence. even if my intention was to just have someone i could actually tolerate around me in order to make the experience more bearable,, to see if i could finally fully enjoy myself. i shouldn't have brought her. i shouldn't be exposing her to these things. i shouldn't have been the reason she threw up in the bushes.

i have vague memories of asking a girl i'd briefly had something with if she wanted to drink or smoke when she gets back to school. i remember how clear it was she probably didn't want to. how the only girl in my life right now i can share my little bad habits with and actually have a good time isn't really all that up for hanging out with me. it wasn't a crushing feeling,, but once again it really had me thinking.

the night ended and i found myself outside buying food,, barely present,, unable to keep myself upright and completely alone. walking back to my room was a challenge,, especially with the crushing weight of utter unfulfillment being carried with me. i wondered who was watching me,, how long it would take for my reputation to become "that girl who's always getting high with guys and outside at night"

none of this is what i want for myself. i like to smoke and drink but i want to smoke and drink around people (GIRLS) that make it the experience i want it to be. how did i end up here? the outside perception of me and why i do this must be so different from the true story and it makes me sick to my stomach.

i woke up not too long ago surrounded by half eaten food and dandadan playing on my laptop, cold (without a duvet because it hasn't arrived yet) and still very much crossfaded. this morning i feel a loneliness in my chest that hasn't reared its head in a couple years now. i always had a feeling it wasn't completely gone.

i'm going to go back to sleep once i post this and get a good cry out. i wish i was at least warm. i feel like the only girl in the world right now. hopefully i'm better when i'm sober again.

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feeling frisky might not wear a pad tmrw

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there's this girl at school that's the epitome of my type and we had a thing for a little while but she treated me soooo bad and it was so crazy bc she literally hit me up first. she's so hot though if she wants to fuck again i fear i will not say no

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i need to have sex with a girl again also!

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my mood has just been really off this week. i need my period to end and to smoke 3 js immediately