#spot the httyd reference lmao

[clintbartonswife]

i loved you like the sun

Pairings: remus lupin/sirius black Summary: remus centric fic on his history, reunification and future with sirius. Whumptober prompt #27 : scars / 'let me see' Whumptober prompt #30 : borrowed clothing Notes: descriptions of malnutrition and body mutilation (hello lycanthropy!), post-POA masterlist   || whumptober2023 || part two (coming soon)

Remus' heart clenched as he traced the ink lines of the marauder's map. If he closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of the parchment in his hands, he could almost hear James' laugh, Peter asking what was so funny as Sirius whispered sweet nothings in his ear -

He broke that line of thought with a scoff, rubbing his hands over his face. He had run out of tears long ago, instead left with a deep well of bitterness. The best part of his life had been shattered in one night. His best friends murdered, childhood stolen and love of his life arrested as their killer.

Remus had never believed he deserved good things. The marauders had taught him otherwise, surrounding him with blind acceptance and joy. Just as he finally started to believe in his worth, it had all come crumbling down. He was left alone, the way he always knew he was going to be.

Nothing lasts forever.

Movement in the grounds caught his eye. That was unusual, especially considering the late hour and school-wide curfew. Frowning, he took a closer look, blood running cold.

Without a second thought, he tugged on his coat and began running.

The whomping willow whipped around in a frenzy, freezing as Remus hit the notch with an immobulus charm. His feet followed the path that he had walked for years, remembering every dip and turn.

His legs weakened as he raced up the steps in the shack, heart threatening to beat out of his chest. He could hear voices faintly through the door, paying them no mind as he crashed into the room.

"Professor Lupin!"

The exclamations from the children flew over his head, eyes set on the crumpled man on the floor.

He was practically wasted away, swamped by black rags that made his pale skin look practically translucent. Even from his place in the doorway Remus could see his veins, entwining with each other like vines under his skin.

Sirius finally turned to him, connecting their eyes. Years of hate, regret, love and pain rushed back through him, overwhelming in their intensity. In that moment, staring into his storm-grey eyes, he knew: Sirius was innocent.

The urge to kiss him was overwhelming, but it was neither the time nor the place. Instead, he spoke.

"Looking a bit ragged, aren't we, Sirius? Finally the skin reflects the madness within."

Sirius' face, which had before looked frightened, lit up with a toothy grin. "You'd know all about the madness within, wouldn't you, Remus?"

Relief spread through him, stepping forwards and helping Sirius to his feet. He hesitated once more, before pulling him into an embrace.

The smaller man melted in to him, body sharp and frail. Remus' heart swelled, cheek against Sirius' temple as breathed words escaped him, "You're as beautiful as the day I lost you."

If only for a moment, everything was okay.

Of course, nothing in Remus' life could stay normal for long. Snape came storming in, Pettigrew escaped, his secret was revealed and Sirius was sentenced to death. He was left to once again pick up the pieces, hiding his grief from those around him.

------

He retreated; resigning from his position at Hogwarts and running away from society once more.

His cottage was his solace, surrounded by thick woods with a boundary enchanted to contain his movements during the full moon. The building was small but cosy, books lining practically every wall.

He had inherited it from his grandfather on his mother's side, located just outside of Powys in Wales. It was the perfect escape, granted to him at the height of the war.

He sighed, tugging on his jumper as he limped towards the kitchenette, fresh scars throbbing with a vengeance. Some sick part of him was glad for the pain, deigning it a punishment for letting the kids down, for letting Sirius down.

A knock on the door resounded through the cottage, Remus flinching at the sudden noise. His fist clenched around the wand in his pocket, instantly on guard.

The knock sounded again, this time followed by a voice.

"Moony, open the door I'm freezing my balls off out here."

His breath caught in his chest, rushing across the room and swinging the door wide open.

Sirius offered a sheepish smile, eyes tired. "Surprise?"

Remus' blinked. "You're here - how... how are you here?"

"Dumbledore may have mentioned a certain hidden cottage that you owned - hope you don't mind but I have brought company."

Remus finally tore his eyes from Sirius, registering the hippogriff lying on the grass behind him. "Uhh -"

"That's Buckbeak. She's a friend."

"Right. Does she... need anything?"

"Nah she's a tough girl - we're both outlaws. Running from the ministry... y'know. Tough stuff."

Remus felt a smile tugging at his lips, "Sounds very... dashing."

"What can I say. Once a rebel, always a rebel. If Minnie could see me now -"

"She still wouldn't agree to dance with you, that's for sure."

Sirius opened his mouth in mock-horror. "Now that's just low."

"Sorry, sorry." Shaking his head fondly, Remus stepped aside, gesturing for the shorter man to come into the cottage. "Welcome to my home."

He took in his surroundings, expression unreadable as the door closed firmly behind him. After what seemed like an age, a smile cracked across his face.

"It's very you."

Remus let out a laugh, "Oh really?"

"I mean - come on, Moony. It's a bookstore in here! And you got your cobblestone fireplace... it's just like..." Sirius cleared his throat, smile dropping slightly, "Like the home we talked about."

Remus dipped his head, cheeks pinkening. "It's not as big as you wanted... or near London. I tried to make the kitchen the way you wanted, but I -"

"You remember."

"So do you."

"Memories. They were all that kept me going."

Remus reached out slowly, allowing Sirius the time to move away if he wanted to. He didn't. Hand slightly trembling, he entwined their fingers, thumb rubbing over Sirius' cold hand.

The apology sat on the tip of his tongue, though he found himself unable to speak. Sirius seemed to understand, lightly squeezing his hand in response.

"So," he said, attempting to lighten the mood, "I don't know about you, but I'm sick of these robes - got anything I can borrow?"

Snapping out of it, Remus finally met his eyes, "Of course. You can have your pick. I doubt you'd be here for more than a day without stealing all my jumpers anyway."

Sirius grinned, walking deeper into the house, "They look better on me."

"Yes they do." Remus breathed, before raising his voice. "The bedroom's other way!"

"I knew that!"

-----

The two of them fell into a routine, comfortable enough, but the tension of unspoken words still hung heavily in the space between them.

Sirius was slowly getting better, regaining more and more of his old spark every day. There were still times when he would get very quiet, sitting in the corner of the front room and staring out of the window, eyes glazed over with memories. Remus would simply brew him a cup of tea, setting it down on the table beside him and gently coaxing him back to the real world with careful touches and hesitant smiles.

He would return the favour by helping Remus on the days when his joints were agitated, brewing simple drafts to help with the pain.

Some nights, when Sirius woke up in a cold sweat, he would curl up at the end of Remus' bed in his dog form. It didn't take long for this to become the norm, the sofa-bed disassembled and Sirius' few items moved into the spare drawers in the bedroom.

It didn't take long for Sirius to catch him half-dressed, eyes silently tracking the new array of scars that covered his torso.

"Let me see." He had said, voice hoarse.

Remus simply let his arms fall to his sides, closing his eyes as hesitant fingers traced over irritated skin.

The moment was suffocatingly intimate, an echo of nights long gone by. It was over far too soon, Sirius letting out an unhappy noise and retreating, transforming into Padfoot and waiting for Remus to get into bed.

"They're just scars," Remus had murmured, blinking sleepily as he finally tugged his tshirt over his head. "Nothing new."

Padfoot huffed.

-----

Writing letters to Harry seemed to help. Sirius would light up every time he received a response, reading them aloud with glee, feet resting on Remus' lap. If he tried hard enough, as he listened he could imagine that everything was normal. That Harry was writing from his bedroom in Godric's Hollow, asking when Uncle Pads and Moony were next visiting as James and Lily laughed downstairs.

The dream always quickly dissipated, replaced with the ever-present weight in his chest.

"I'm glad he's doing okay," Remus said, "Well... as well as you can be when staying with the Dursley's."

"Right?" Sirius exploded, "Petunia was always walking around as if she owned the Earth."

"Her husband's not any better. Do you remember that summer when we helped Lily move out of her parent's house and he called James a slur?"

"I would've punched him if Lily hadn't got to him first." Sirius paused for a moment, shaking his head as the anger built within him. "Miserable bastards didn't even come to their wedding, why the fuck were they given Harry?"

Remus felt a hot poker of shame shoved down his throat. "They wouldn't - You were his godfather, so I thought.. but I was ruled unable to take care of him."

"Rem -"

Shoulders hunching, he wiggled out from underneath Sirius' legs, retreating to the kitchen. The other man followed him.

"Everyone was either dead or gone. Mary... she wanted to be left alone, and I was too tired to even fight their decision. They - they made valid points."

"Moony -"

"They said I was a danger to him."

"You would never hurt Harry -"

"But I almost did! If you weren't there that night, I could've killed them."

Sirius grabbed Remus by the chin, forcing him to meet his eyes. "You are not the wolf. You are Remus. My Remus. One of the most loving, caring people I've ever known. A good man."

His next words were all but punched out of him. "Time changes everything."

Sirius' face hardened. "Not us. Not in any way that matters."

Remus let out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding, and desperately searched the stormy eyes in front of him. "Do you mean that?"

"Yes."

Remus stepped closer to Sirius, hands coming to rest on his hips and thumbs hooking through his belt hoops. "Are you sure?"

Sirius' next response was breathier, his eyes focusing on Remus' lips with the desperation of a parched man staring into a stream. "Yes."

Permission granted, Remus leant in, lips slotting together like puzzle pieces. It felt like coming home, time apart meaningless as their bodies fell back in to the ease of melding together. Sirius' hands moved up into the taller man's hair, pulling a pleased groan from him as their bodies pressed together.

Sirius broke away from the embrace, resting his forehead against Remus' chest as tears wetted the grey t-shirt. The taller man instantly moved to calm him, stroking through his hair as he murmured reassuring words against the soft flesh of his temple.

"I missed you so much."

The whisper was almost unheard, a mournful admission spoken from the heart. All Remus could do was hold him tighter, as if he could protect him from the horrors of the world, and reassure him over and over again that no matter what happened he would never leave his side again.

The problem with promises of that magnitude is that they are incredibly hard to keep.