#spooky cute & unsettlingly soft
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gloominherheart · 10 days ago
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oh no... you’ve found me. unfortunate soul, who has somehow wandered too far and stumbled into my cursed little corner of the internet. an unfortunate accident, or fate? either way, welcome to my collection of cryptic thoughts, half-spun stories, haunting poetry, tangled obsessions, and the delicate ruins of a mind that refuses to stay still—stitched together with fraying thread, desperately trying to resemble existence.
i am both a feral victorian child and a cryptid born from the depths of 2014 tumblr, existing in lace and ink, lost somewhere between melancholia and nostalgia. always searching for something unnamed, something just out of reach.
i'm G, and i write. a lot. sometimes it’s poetic nonsense whispered to the void. sometimes it’s fandom brainrot, feverish and all-consuming. sometimes it’s philosophical ramblings that make it sound like i dwell in a candlelit cathedral for centuries, lost in thought and dust motes.
you never really know what you’ll find here—but if you like books, ghosts, and the occasional existential crisis, you might just feel at home. perhaps you'll see a fragment of yourself in my words. or perhaps, like all ghosts, i will simply pass through.
stay as long as you feel real.
and if you catch me posting at 3 AM... no, you didn’t.
lingering between the lines, fading like a half-remembered dream...
— G
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httpjeon · 6 years ago
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❝ witch’s brew ❞ kth ― m.
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― summary:
after a year of trying to get pregnant, your husband makes a special brew to make sure you get pregnant this time.
taehyung/reader | witch!taehyung | smut, light fluff | 3.1k ↬ content warnings: impregnation kink, dirty talk, light lactation kink, cunnilingus, face-fucking, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, creampie, light cum eating
a/n: its a witch au but it’s not halloween or spooky season. my bad. have some baby-making smut anyway
→ blog masterlist
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"Just another negative," You sighed as you sat down beside your husband. "Why isn't anything working?"
"I dunno, babe," Taehyung sighed, pulling you into a hug, enveloping you in his wonderful scent.
You and Taehyung had been trying to get pregnant for what felt like years, although it had only been about a year. It had been unsuccessful up until now and it made the both of you go through a rollercoaster or hope, disappointment, and sadness every time you tried.
"Hey," Taehyung was suddenly out of your grip and meandering over to your bookshelf. You hummed in response, waiting for him to speak to you again. Keeping your gaze on him, you could see him pulling out a book you hadn't seen him open in ages. "When do you next ovulate?"
It was a redundant question, by now he knew when you were to ovulate but you humored him anyway.
"Next month on the 13th," He nodded in response as he took his seat beside you once again.
"Okay," He muttered, opening the book to a page you had already assumed he was going to.
It was a spell meant to boost fertility, which is exactly what you wanted. All in all it was a fantastic idea on Taehyung's part.
"I'll make sure that the potion is ready the day of," He agreed and you could practically see that he was an absolute mess of excitement.
It was a slow process, through the rest of the month you could smell that potion being made. It smelled sweet like cotton candy but floral like rose's. It was truly heavenly.
Perhaps he could make a candle with the scents?
When the 13th finally rolled around, you were excited to say the least. You descended the stairs to where Taehyung did his magic; the basement. It didn't feel like a basement; the whole thing had been renovated.
There was plush beige carpeting beneath your feet and the walls were lined with shelves of books, ingredients, and potion bottles. There was a couch and a few blankets for when Taehyung ended up falling asleep while making a potion. Taehyung was currently located at the big wooden table where a cauldron was bubble and emitting the soothing sweet rose scent. He was holding a ladle, transferring some of the liquid into a bottle. You noted that although he was using his smallest cauldron, it was still a lot of product for him to make.
"Tae," You announced your appearance, making your husband beam a smile at you; positively glowing.
"Hi baby," He greeted, slapping on a label to the bottle.
When you got closer, you could see that it had Jimin's name on it. Park Jimin was Taehyung's best friend and childhood friend; also a fellow witch. Taehyung seemed to notice your curious gaze.
"Well, you know the effects of this is similar that of an aphrodisiac," He began to explain, popping a cork into the little bottle before getting a new one. "Jimin and Jungkook wanted to try it; since they don't have to worry about getting pregnant I didn't have dilute it,"
"Is that why you made so much? You want to use it as a sex drug?" You teased, chuckling when his shoulders stiffened at your words.
"I mean, I wouldn't use the word drug," He mumbled, filling up the second bottle with the purple liquid. "We can dilute it and use it to make things more spicy!"
"Don't call our sex life spicy, Taehyung," You cried, wheezing out a laugh at his choice of words.
"Okay, okay," He chuckled along with you, corking the second bottle and shaking it around a bit. "This is ours to use when you're ready,"
"I'm ready now," You shrugged, sliding the bottle out of his long fingers. He seemed to be a bit nervous; perhaps knowing that this was it. From this moment, it would no longer be just you and Taehyung. You were starting your family now.
"Let's just do this upstairs, okay?" His voice was much softer now, fond almost. He grabbed your hand to lead you up the stairs; to your bedroom.
You took your seat on your bed, Taehyung beside you as the two of you looked at the bottle. Carefully, as to not spill the contents by accident, you pulled the cork off. The smell was much stronger now that it was contained in the bottle. Swallowing thickly, you put the bottle to your lips and downed it in a couple gulps.
It was sweet, just as you had expected. You found yourself licking your lips to chase the remaining taste. Meeting Taehyung's eyes, you found that the soft look was gone now and they looked dark with lust.
Besides this being a way to assure pregnancy, it was also a potion that would make you incredible horny and ready to be fucked for hours on end. Surely Taehyung was particularly excited about the fact he would be able to see you look debauched once it kicked in.
"Why don't you lay back," He whispered, and wrapped his hand around your hip to urge you backwards.
Immediately, you felt his touch spark something in you; sending heat down your body when he wasn't even touching you directly. You quickly realized your sensitivity was going to rise and you also knew Taehyung would have a field day with that side effect.
"Holy shit," You whispered, licking your lips as your body began to heat up.
"Is it kicking in?" He asked, voice dropped to a low timbre -- lower than his usual voice. The sound had you growing wet in milliseconds. You nodded, making Taehyung chuckle at your speechless state.
Your t-shirt was suddenly too much on your body so you gripped the hem and pulled the fabric off, moaning at the air touching your heated skin. Your nipples were hard, the material having felt as if they were rubbed raw. You whimpered, grabbing one of Tae's hands; so big and warm, to bring to your chest.
"Touch me, Tae, please," You begged, desperate to feel him quell the need to have him abuse your nipples.
He bit his lip before it turned into a smirk as he threw one of his legs over your body so he was straddling you. His weight was incredibly welcome and felt absolutely amazing, having his scent surrounding you so well. His hands cupped your breasts and you were lost, already a moaning mess. With one hand, he plucked at your bud by pinching and rolling it with his fingers. Placing his weight on his free hand beside your head, he leaned down to take your other nipple; making you keen immediately.
"Fuck!" You cry, hands grappling in his hair. He chuckled against your breast, making you whine again.
"Needed your pretty tits played with, baby?" He asked, flashing a dangerous smirk at you. "So pretty, I can't wait until they get full, you know?"
Your panties were soaked, you were sure. You couldn't help but clench your thighs together; desperate to get some kind of relief. Taehyung chuckled, a dark sound, at your aroused reaction to his words.
"Gonna let me play with your tits when they're all full of milk, hm? You gonna let me do that?"
"Tae, please," You begged, tugging incessantly at his hair to get his attention.
"Hmm?" He hummed, letting you know you had his attention although he didn't stop lashing his tongue against your nipple still trapped in his mouth.
"C-Can you-ah fuck, please--" You were incoherent almost, feet kicking out at your unexplainable need.
"You need to tell me what you need, baby," Taehyung cooed, finally detaching his lips from your breast.
"E-Eat me out, please," You gasped, subconsciously rubbing your thighs together now.
"Mmm, good girl," He muttered, his weight disappearing before he was laying flat on his stomach between your legs.
With unsettlingly calm ease, he pulled your shorts and panties off -- tossing them behind him. Big hands spread your legs, exposing your soaked cunt to his greedy eyes. He let out a barely contained groan at the sight of you so ready and needy for him.
"Look at you, baby," He cooed, sliding two fingers between your folds, spreading him to exposing your gushing hole and swollen clit. "You're so ready, aren't you?"
"Y-Yes, please," You whined, rocking your hips until he delivered a sharp smack to your thigh.
"You want my tongue on you baby?" He asked, though it was a rhetorical question. "Babygirl wants me to make her cute little cunt cum, huh?"
"Please!" You sobbed, reaching down to lace your fingers through his blonde locks, pulling him closer to your core.
He simply chuckled, finally leaning down to lick a fat stripe up the length of your heat; cleaning away the creaming wetness that had gathered at your entrance. You were so sweet, so needy for him and he couldn't help but moan out right at your taste. Greedily, he pushed his tongue into your hole to gather more of your taste, making you squirm at the feeling of his tongue inside you. Suddenly, plush lips were wrapped around your clit -- swollen and sensitive as an effect of the potion.
"God, it feels so good, Tae," You praised, knowing how much Tae loved hearing it.
As expected, he grew more confident in his movements, swirling his tongue around your bud. You were a whimpering, crying mess, grasping desperately at the sheets and his hair, even cupping your own breasts. Your mind was fuzzy, overwhelmed with pleasure and Taehyung was hurling you closer to a phenomenal orgasm.
"I'm coming!" You sobbed, thighs trembling as he slid two fingers inside you, finding your g-spot with amazing ease. He chuckled as your cries raised, having to pin your thigh to the bed with his free hand while fucking you with his fingers to push you over the edge.
The orgasm had you seeing stars and Taehyung was more than happy to taste your cum on his tongue. Sliding his fingers out, he gave a few more gentle licks to your clit to ease you down from your high until you finally pushed him away, still trembling.
"God, you're so beautiful," He whispered, sitting up finally to pull off his own shirt.
"Can you..." Your voice had him pausing before he could pull his sweats down. He hummed in question, watching as you slid off the bed. "I want to suck you off,"
"God," He groaned, unable to hold back the soft curses he let loose as you lowered yourself to your knees. He took a seat on the bed, helping you rid him of his sweats and boxers until he was just as naked as you were.
You were between his spread legs, knees on the plush carpet to protect you from hurting your knees. You wrapped your fingers around his length, licking your lips at his length and girth; he honestly had a phenomenal cock. He filled you so well every time, always stretching you so nice. Your fingers couldn't even meet around the girth of him, and a drop of precum began to dribble from the tip to meet your hand. You used it to add some slickness to his skin; he groaned at the sight of you admiring his cock on your knees.
"Go on, baby," He tangled his fingers in your hair, tugging you closer until you opened your mouth to take the head of him in.
Your eyes slipped closed, swirling your tongue around his tip before moaning as his precum met your tongue. Taking him deeper, you reveled in the hot weight of him on your tongue. Taehyung watched with dark eyes as you took his cock, breaking out into a loud moan when you gagged around him once he pushed your gag reflex. Carefully, using his hand in your hair, he urged you to properly suck him, your jaw beginning to ache. Every time you gagged around him, he would moan -- your spasming throat only providing more pleasure for him. You were a drooling mess, eyes teary as you opened them to gaze up at him; drool dripping down onto your chest.
Suddenly, he pulled his length out, leaving you gasping and coughing a little bit. He wrapped his hand around his own length, slowly pumping himself in front of you watching eyes. He noticed how you squeezed your thighs together, getting an idea.
"Baby, do you trust me?" He asked, already knowing the answer but asking anyway just to hear it.
"Y-Yes of course," Your voice was a little rough from taking his cock which he found cute.
"Will you let me fuck your throat?" He felt his own cock throb in his grip when you whimpered, nodding all too eagerly at the idea. "That's my good girl. But will you do something else for me?"
"W-What?" You asked, sniffling softly from how you were tearing up while sucking him off.
"I want you to make yourself cum on your pretty fingers, yeah? Can you do that for me?"
"Fuck, yeah," You replied, easily, already sliding your hand between your thighs.
As soon at your mouth was wrapped around him, his hand was wrapped in your hair again to use as leverage. He didn't hesitate, simply meeting your eyes before lifting his hands to slide himself completely into your throat. His head fell backwards when you choked around him once again. He became unrestrained, fucking your face desperately all the while your fingers busily circled your clit to ease yourself to an orgasm just as he wanted.
"God look how well you take my fat fucking cock," He growled, grip tightening in your hair, making you whimper. "How's it feel in your throat, huh? Bet a little slut like you loves it,"
Taehyung had always been weak to this; fucking your face. You could already tell that he was getting closer and closer to the edge. Part of you wondered if he was going to make himself cum in your mouth like this; he didn't particularly have a long refractory period but you knew by the time he was done you'd want him to fuck you.
Your question was answered when he suddenly pulled his cock out of your mouth, wrapping his fingers around the base of himself to keep his orgasm at bay. Relaxing against the bed again, he kept his gaze on you, watching your fingers work to make yourself cum.
"Fuck," He growled suddenly, grabbing your arm and yanking you to your feet.
His lips found your breast, encircling your nipple as his fingers replaced yours in circling your clit. Having his fingers on you instead of your own had you coming almost embarrassingly fast. Your knees trembled, almost buckling as you clung to your husband as he cooed and whispered gentle praises in your ear.
Under normal circumstances, Taehyung had a talent with making you cum but the effects of his potion had you ready to cum again and again. When his fingers left you, you whined at the lost which resulted in a soft laugh from your husband.
He eased you back down onto the bed, finally taking his position on his knees between your legs. Spreading you open, he slowly ran the length of himself over your soaked cunt -- getting himself wet with your cum. Your thighs trembled around him before you couldn't take him teasing your anymore and you finally took his cock in your hand to push into your gushing hole.
The two of you moaned as he sunk into you, his delicious girth giving you that heavenly stretch you had been craving this whole time. The two of you were so riled up; you on the brink of overstimulation and Taehyung already denying himself of one orgasm. He fucked you fast and unrestrained, the sound of your skin slapping together mixed in with the wet, slick sounds of his cock sinking into you filled the room.
It took no time at all before you reached between your bodies to find your clit, a slight touch to the bud sending you into an orgasm. Taehyung cursed, pausing as your walls spasmed around him. Your hand fell away from your bud and you sighed, but before you could even begin to think about taking a moment to recuperate -- he was fucking you again.
Your cries raised in volume as you clutched onto Taehyung, who was groaning and whimpering in your ear.
"I'm gonna cum," He groaned, body growing more tense above you. "You want my cum, baby? You want me to fill your little cunt up and knock you up?"
"Fuck, please Tae," You begged, tossing your head back to gasp out plead after plead.
"I'm coming," He groaned, burying his face in your neck before he suddenly stilled. You whimpered at the feeling of his cum filling you up, hot and thick.
He slowly pulled out, a gush of his cum quickly following. He caught it with his fingers, carefully pushing it back into your twitching hole. Smirking, he brought his now-soiled fingers to your lips which you quickly enveloped. His cum was bitter on your tongue but the fact it was Taehyung's had you clenching around nothing.
"Now, now," He playfully tsked, grabbing a pillow to slide under your hips so they were tilted up to keep his cum from leaking out. "How can you get pregnant if you keep pushing me cum out, baby?"
He pulled his fingers from your mouth, chuckling when you blubbered out a mindless apology. He used two fingers to spread your folds, the two fingers that were in your mouth were suddenly on your clit. You gasped, almost closing your thighs but he smacked your thigh, leaving a stinging in its wake.
"i have to make you cum again, make sure you take my cum," He explained, though his tone made it feel almost condescending. "Sweet girl, go ahead and cum for me,"
Your lashes fluttered as he forced the final orgasm out of you; it was a slow building pleasure that had you whining out your husband's name.
Finally, you felt the burn of the potion wearing off; an effect of his cum. He crashed onto the bed beside you, pulling your closer to him as the two of you shared a kiss.
"I love you so much," He cooed, flashing a smile at you.
"I love you too,"
"I can't wait for that positive pregnancy test!" He sounded so excited it was adorable and your heart immediately felt warm. "And I can't wait to see my beautiful wife pregnant with my child and our future baby,"
You were whipped for him. You couldn't deny that.
Leaning forward you pressed another kiss to his lips.
"...We should use that diluted aphrodisiac some time," He muttered suddenly. "You were insatiable, I loved it,"
"Pervert."
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© httpjeon 2019. do not repost or modify.
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sapphire-mage · 3 years ago
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Halloween Recommendations: Very Easy Mode
The following recommendations are for Halloween or horror movies for the month of October. Movies listed here will have spoilers and general warnings.
Movies listed under 'Very Easy' will largely be movies that are not scary at all but can help with your general Halloween spirit.
TAKE NOTE THAT THESE RECOMMENDATIONS ARE FOR ADULTS AND YOUNG ADULTS NOT FULLY COMFORTABLE WITH HORROR! THIS IS NOT MEANT FOR KIDS!
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Any Childhood Cartoons, Shows, or Movies You Enjoyed for Halloween:
This is kind of a filler location, but it is very important. This can be anything, because your childhood is important toward enjoying Halloween, like it or not, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with buffering your Halloween view fest with soft things like this. If you watch a scary movie that really freaks you out, by all means follow it up with this.
I’m also putting this here as a way to avoid talking about certain movies. On one hand, it’s to dodge recommendations on movies I’m not entirely familiar with, like the Halloweentown series or the stray Halloween special of a show I didn’t watch. On the other, it’s to bundle up the OBVIOUS choices, like It’s The Great Pumpkin King, Charlie Brown (best Charlie Brown special, don’t @ me), Nightmare Before Christmas (don’t debate me on it being a Christmas movie, I don’t care), or Hocus Pocus. I adore those three movies, but everyone under the sun has recommended them.
There are no wrong answers. You can be 50 and be like, “Aw shit, I kind of want to watch Scary Godmother!”, and you should! Say hi to Skully Pettibone. Ask him why he’s not returning my calls.
That said, I will provide some more fun cartoon ones.
Warnings:
-None that you probably aren’t aware of already
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Garfield Halloween Special (1985) cartoon short:
First off, Garfield is awesome. Don’t debate with me. Second, Garfield holiday specials are awesome. I never see people mention the Halloween special, but I feel that’s largely because it is the weakest of the three Garfield holiday specials. If by some chance, you understand my love for Garfield, just watch it. It’s good stuff. That said: Be sure to watch the Thanksgiving AND Christmas specials for Garfield. They are very good and very underappreciated.
Warnings:
-None outside of maybe the weird factor of Garfield actually dealing with creepy things.
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Disney’s Trick or Treat (1952) cartoon short:
If you happen to have access to Disney+, this one is easily accessible to you. I don’t think there is a cartoon in existence that nails that Halloween spirit down for me more than this little short. It’s a nine minute cartoon and completely harmless. It has one of the best Halloween jams that I wish Disney would put on Spotify, and it has quite a few decent jokes. All of this in nine minutes, so… If you have Disney+, you have nothing to lose. Except maybe time.
Warnings:
-None except the SCARIEST JUMP SCARE EVER at the end.
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Over the Garden Wall (2014) cartoon series:
I realize the popularity of this one is a lot higher compared to some of the cartoons I’ve mentioned, but I can’t overstate how good this series is. If you haven’t seen it and you enjoy animation, I highly recommend it. Two brothers wander the woods of a mysterious forest, where creepy and bizarre adventures await them. Even though the story is very much a ‘Halloween’ story, it’s a good start for September, as it is a lot more of a love letter to the season of autumn than anything else.
Warnings:
-Might catch you off guard with its creepiness at times. It’s meant to be a heartwarming show, but it does have its creepy factor.
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Practical Magic (1998) movie:
Okay, now we’re entering actual more adult territory (not that any of the above should be shunned by any means). That said, this is more of a… romantic horror (?). Honestly, I can’t really compare this movie to anything other than what it is: It is a cute, sweet movie about two sisters who happen to be witches working together to overcome their tragic adult lives. One sister is overcoming the loss of her husband, while the other is overcoming the pain of an abusive boyfriend. Despite how this sounds, it actually has a bit of a horror plot involving a ghost and spiritual possession that requires a seance AND exorcism. None of this is particularly scary, but it is still dark and mysterious toward a point.
Honestly, this is a great Halloween film to watch as a date night. It’s cheesy. It’s sweet. It’s schmaltz. If that’s not for you, that’s totally understandable.
Warnings:
-None
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Ghostbuster (1984) movie:
I feel like I’d be hunted down into the street and shot if I didn’t mention this movie. What is there to be said that hasn’t been said: Ghostbusters is a classic comedy horror that you can’t really go wrong with. A lot of people tend to go in the direction of “horror? This movie isn’t scary”, but let me tell you: The librarian ghost and the taxi driver ghost scared the crap out of me as a kid. But then again, this list isn’t for kids. As such, this movie should be a cake walk, if you haven’t seen it.
Warnings:
-A few dated jokes
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Clue (1985) movie:
This one is KIND OF a stretch for being on this list, but screw it. If it gets more people to watch Clue, it’s worth it. This is less of a horror movie and more of murder mystery based off of the classic board game, where six strangers and a butler work together to figure out who committed a series of grizzly murders. The creators kind of realized how silly it would be to make such a movie, so they filled it with comedic actors and made it a comedy. Take note, that despite the comedy, quite a few people do get flat out murdered in various unpleasant ways, but there is no gore outside of a couple bloodstains.
Warnings:
-Probably a few dated jokes
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Little Shop of Horrors (1986) movie:
Humorously, this is the first musical on the list, but it won’t be the last. Despite whatever negative connotation you may have towards musicals, Little Shop of Horrors might be one of the most approachable musicals you’ll find. The songs are catchy and funny, and the story catches your attention easily. Hilariously, it’s probably the goriest movie I’ve discussed on this list so far, as it does involve off-screen dismemberment and people getting devoured. It is the story of a young man trying to provide love and attention to a plant that wants to feed on human blood and flesh. It’s a load of fun
Warnings:
-Nothing, really. All of the gore is off-screen.
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Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) movie:
Another musical. Probably the last one on this section. This one isn’t as easy to get into as Little Shop of Horrors, but it’s worth mentioning. A newly wed couple have their car break down in front of a spooky house and decide to ask the house owners for help. Bizarre events unfold. It is a classic cult flick in the horror genre, though it isn’t scary at all outside of a couple strange parts. But that’s definitely the main problem with this movie, it’s strange, but intentionally so. The first two thirds of the film are easy to get into and enjoy, but once you get into the final third, it goes OUT THERE. I think that kind of hurts the film, but it’s harmless. For the most part.
Warnings:
-Just a strange film in general.
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Beetlejuice (1988) movie:
On one hand, it actually does have some unsettling moments, despite being a comedy. On the other, I think it’s vital as a horror fan to be familiar with this movie. This is one of the great gateway movies for horror fans, and it is truly a treasure. That said, this movie will be the first to get some real warnings. I’m going to stay vague to avoid spoilers for anyone completely naive of this movie.
Warnings:
-Slight body horror involving ghosts being able to change their physical form to look creepy
-80s/90s practical effects that managed to be unsettlingly dream-like and creepy
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Gremlins (1984) and Gremlins II (1990) movies:
Finally: A real horror movie. I’m not even joking. Gremlins is, admittedly, a comedy involving a teen adopting a cute creature known as Gizmo. After some mishaps involving him, Gizmo and the teen accidentally unleash an army of gremlins onto the entire town. On paper, this sounds like a comedy and it kind of is, except for the fact that the gremlins actually DO kill people. I’d at least say to give Gremlins a try. If you really liked it, I would definitely consider Gremlins II, as long as you understand that Gremlins II is completely bonkers cartoon nonsense in comparison.
Warnings:
-Practical effects that look somewhat creepy at parts
-Little bit of dark humor at times
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Young Frankenstein (1974) movie:
Oh, here we go! The descendant of the infamous Dr. Frankenstein is attempting to retrace his grandfather’s legacy, in the most hilarious and tragic way possible. Admittedly, this is another comedy, but it definitely pays respect and love to its horror roots. The movie is entirely in black and white, but do not let that discourage you: It is very funny. This is a Mel Brooks movie, so the comedy is going to be fast paced and rapid fire. If the first joke doesn’t hit, maybe the next twelve within five minutes will. And the humor is all over the place ranging from dumb puns to the Frankenstein monster having a gigantic penis (not seen, but mentioned) to becoming acquainted with the phrase, “Put the candle back!”. Classic movie. Every actor in this movie is wonderful.
Warnings:
-Definitely dated jokes at times
-Worst is probably a scene involving dubious consent sex scene joke involving a woman and the creature. The creature clearly wants to get frisky with her, which she is not okay with… until he drops his pants. And she’s like… “...Oh damn, maybe I am down for this!” It eventually leads to her going through with it happily. Scene would probably be super uncomfortable if not for the fact that the actress, the late Madeline Kahn, was a paragon of comedy.
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What We Do in the Shadows (2014) movie:
Probably the last straight up comedy I’ll list for now. Unlike some of the previous ones, this one is quite gory with a lot of blood, but it is absolutely hilarious. It involves four vampires of different eras living together in a house and coping with modern day life. This movie manages to be absolutely hilarious while also just being a good vampire story in general. It’s a mockumentary movie, which is something I’m not usually crazy about, but it just works here. To this day, the ‘wrong faced cat’ is still hysterical to me.
Warnings:
-Tons of blood. Like, there is a literal scene where a woman’s neck is punctured and blood sprays out everywhere, and it’s played up for laughs.
-I think there is dismemberment involving the werewolves, but it’s been a while. It’s hard to remember the gore when the werewolves were so damn funny.
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Troll 2 (1990) movie:
There are people out there who consider this movie to be the worst movie in creation. I find those people adorable. I’ve seen well over a thousand horror movies in my life, and I’m glad this movie managed to have a cohesive plot and memorable moments. That said: It’s pretty bad. A kid and his family go on vacation in a forest town where everyone is being asked to eat this strange green substance. Victims who eat the substance turn into plant beings and are then eaten by the trolls living in the village.
I can’t recommend this movie, but obviously, it’s here. I can’t help but look at this movie as like… a bad Goosebumps episode that’s 90 minutes long. There actually is some gore and quite a body count, but whatever horror it has is completely overwritten by how absurd the movie is and how ridiculous the acting is. The ‘Troll Queen’ spends the entire movie chewing the scenery, and I love her for it. I want to be her when I grow up. It’s definitely a ‘so bad it’s good’ film, but I’m one of those who believe that ‘so bad it’s good’ translates to ‘good’. So… Up to you. If you’re down to watch a horror movie with a plot that is slightly more cohesive than ‘The Room’, than you’re in for a ride.
Warnings:
-Body horror involving people turning into plants
-Horrendously bad acting
-You may want to grow up to become the Troll Queen, cause I do.
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