#spoke to my dad on the phone bc im not speaking to my mom currently

[rustencohle]

took a one hour nap and thought i’d die during it. i was exhausted but also full of adrenaline having not slept the previous night but at the same time had such high anxiety that the lack of sleep combined with my racing heart and brain made me go into some sort of shutting down of my system as i was dozing off  it was so incredibly weird

[maribelsawyer]

- ̗̀ * ( ella purnell + cisfemale + she/her ) have you seen ( maribel sawyer ) walking around campus ? they are a ( nineteen ) year old, studying ( journalism ). we hear they are in ( delta gamma chi ), and can be ( benevolent & impressionable ), maybe it’s because they are a ( gemini ). they sort of remind us of ( scraped knees , magnifying glasses , vintage oxfords ), maybe we can find out more ! *  ̖́-  + newspaper writer

god okay looks like i’ve fallen in love w ella purnell and i want to b her. anyways maribel is my newest baby n im sorta making her up as i go so pls bare w me lmao

TW: eating disorder mentions, subtle abuse?

{she is not currently in that mindset ^}

gen. info

full name: maribel ottoline sawyer

nickname(s): mari, bell, lottie b/c middle name, etc. etc. just sawyer sometimes idk

b.o.d. - june 1st, 19 yrs old

label(s): the marionette, the demure, the prevaricator, etc. etc.

height: like 5′3″ prolly tbh

hometown: duluth, minnesota

sexuality: shit she don’t know

bio. info

her dad’s in the air force, her mom’s published three diet cookbooks and two different DVDs--maribel is the only middle child

one of those conservative, all american families, they were strict and definitely made it known that they were parents and not friends by any means

9pm curfew, not leaving the dining room until all ur food is gone, grounded if ur grades were below their expectations, etc. etc. 

her older sister can evoke emotions in others thru her acting like no other. has taken the hearts (and leads) of all her acting directors since childhood. her voice is broadway material.

and her older brother? has been the best linebacker on any high school team he’s joined; hopes to make it to the big leagues. but if he doesn’t? he’s been taking college-level classes since he was a sophomore.

and...maribel?

maribel is...just, maribel.

for the longest time, there was nothing special about maribel

she couldn’t sing, or dance, or compose words in pretty prose

her grades were only satisfactory after hrs n hrs of studying everyday

homegirl can’t even cook w/o smth exploding

in short, maribel has never been good at anything. can’t draw within the lines, can’t follow the line, opens her mouth at the wrong time. etc. etc. shit? rough.

ANYWAYS

her family moves around a lot b/c of her dad, so she’s never really been in one place long enough to really prove herself? always been the quiet girl in class while her siblings brought home gold stars everyday

the kinda girl others would sorta push around n bully a lil bit bc she would never know what to say; prolly just cried a lot tbh

grew up w a lot of insecurities b/c of this

definitely doesnt help that her mother is obsessed w beauty n fitness n like

their mother p much forced her lifestyle onto her children, mari has a rough relationship w food b/c of it

ANYWAYS part 2

grew up always in the shadows of her siblings and their accomplishments, and spent a lot of her time tryn find something to be good at just so somebody could give her a stamp of approval

was always the ~wannabe~, the girl who would just endlessly suck up to the most popular girl she could find and try to mimic her to the best of mari’s abilities, just so she could survive her school experience

by the time mari was a freshmen in high school, her parents had divorced and she finally thought she could have a normal school experience and make something for herself

obv not. her mother shipped her off to a boarding school in nevada and that was it; her sister had already graduated and her brother was still in middle school.

it was finally just mari.

of course like she tried to suck up to others but it wasn’t really helpful, everybody was a lil too boujie for her and she always froze up when she tried to speak to the ~popular kids~

they only rly spoke to her b/c she’s got this knack for forging shit, like i dont think she even has her own handwriting; she always copies other people’S b/c she’s just. so used to tryn to mimic others n be them as much as possible

around this time she found herself fucking around in her computer class more often than not; it’d been the only elective left b/c she arrived in the middle of the year

but she surprisingly enjoyed it, like, a lot

her parents never really allowed much computer use b/c like. rots ur brain or whatever.

got into programming, but when she found out that u could ? hack shit ? kinda peaked her interest.

her shift into programming to hacking was subtle but before she knew it, she was fucking around on websites for the fun of it. never anything severe

computers became her friends, y’know

that was until her sophomore year and there was another loser fucking around on the computers during lunchtime

and like...they just started kinda talking, y’know? became friends, prolly mari’s first legitimate friend in...forever, really

the kid was kinda weird but she didn’t mind b/c fuck, mari couldn’t be picky n she didn’t mind weird

like...they were obsessed w conspiracies n mysteries n shit

it started to rub off on mari too, b/c homegirl is an idiot but. an observant idiot.

so she started getting reeeally into mysteries and shit. started acting like a mini investigator w/ her pal; solving stupid things like ‘who wrote ‘mindy is a whore’ in the bathroom stall’ and ‘does mr. roberts have a secret obsession w kpop’

no mindy is not a whore it was slander

yes mr. roberts is into kpop

ANYWAYS part 3

so they were these nancy drew, scooby doo, veronica mars knock off duo

by junior yr her partner started getting into like. drinking and minor drugs and other things that the other boarding school kids were smuggling in, y’know. 

this meant that mari was getting into that shit too, y’know. cant stay innocent forever.

became a lil bit of a pothead lmao

so like now theyre just stoners who go around solving shit and prolly also stirring shit up for the hell of it

so like . . . . . one night they were doin’ their thing, right? and her partner brings up this...completely wild idea

they live in nevada. y’kno what else is in nevada?

area 51

these fucking idiots want to go break into this fucking. air force base. to find area 51.

guess what they did?

they attempted to break into the air force base. like. of course they tried.

they failed like, super miserably, got arrested for trespassing and had to be bailed out of the county jail by their parents

her dad almost lost his job so he was mcfuckin PISSED esp once they figured out she was high as shit

her partner? disappeared. nobody knows where they went.

mari was moved from the boarding school to a public school closer to where her mother could, begrudgingly, keep an eye on her

kinda spent the rest of her high school career p miserable, she gave up on her whole ~detective~ thing and resorted to making fake IDs for her fellow high schoolers

was drug-tested like every week or so, too

around this time her mental health and relationship w food got worse, she barely made it to graduation. took a gap year to recover, worked a buncha jobs but usually gets fired from them b/c she’s really fucking bad like most things besides her two (2) unconventional talents that are decidedly useless

came to ucla b/c her mother p much made her, her mother’s a legacy and that’s about the only reason why she got into delta gamma chi

doesn’t want ppl to know she was a loser and also like . fucked up her dad’s life a lil, b/c it was def a thing that made the news and the only reason why her name wasn’t in the articles was b/c she was a minor at the time

so she like...lies abt her childhood a lot

tells a lotta lil white lies b/c she just. doesn’t wanna b her

uuuhh wanted to do computer science bc she loves it but her parents were both like ‘lmao we’re not paying for shit if u do that’ bc they don’t think it’s very ~ladylike~ n they still want her to like. just be submissive and obedient n shit.

so she took up journalism b/c neither her parents think it’s like a real career and they just want her to find a husband n get married n settle down n stop being troublesome

fun fact: she has a scholarship for being lefthanded so that pays for Some of it esp b/c she’s an out of state student

still struggles a lil bit w food but she’s like. doing a lot better. goes to group therapy, probably

uuuh that’s it for now i think ??

OH SIKE !! she’s a writer for the newspaper and writes ADVICE columns on various topics b/c she’s good at offering advice but only when she can sit down n think abt it lmao

^^she goes by an alias b/c she just. doesnt want ppl to know its her idk she thinks its embarrassing

other than that she’s probably like ... doing campus tech support b/c that’s her current job but who knows how long that’ll last lmao

knowing her she’s going to accidentally switch into her phone sex voice (another, old job she doesn’t do anymore) n get fired for tryn seduce a man with ‘did u try turning it on and off again?’

OKAY i think that’s all lmao

personality

mari is just. awkward, man

i mean like...she’s sorta bad at talking to others a lot of the time??

like ppl r kinda like ‘how tf r u a delta gamma chi girl’ n she’s just like i mean u  h h h h 

prolly stutters a lil bit b/c she’s usually rly anxious

but she’s v v nice, like, she tries her hardest to be a good friend n everything

but she also kinda switches her personality to appeal to whoever she’s talking too ?? like she wants to be. likable. she’s not real w/ others v v often

if ur boujie yeah she’ll pretend to be boujie too

she prolly still sells fake IDs to high schoolers n some of her college peers, she has one herself n hasn’t gotten caught yet sooo

always fidgets like she can’t rly sit still often b/c she’s so nervous

is a lil bit of a stoner but i feel like u can’t ever tell tbh

a lil shy n hesitant at first i’d imagine, or maybe just always lmao

has a bit more of a personality once she sucks it up n gets closer to u but she’s always v v cautious abt befriending ppl just b/c she’s had a bad time w bullies n her one friend in life disappeared so like...bummer, y’kno?

can never say no. like, i dont think it’s in her vocabulary. she’s a yes gal.

will p much do anything u ask of her b/c she’s constantly seeking approval

can ramble a bit when she’s nervous which is always but she also apologizes like a lot.

squeaks like a mouse

present at parties but it’s always kinda like. who r u. n she has to remind everybody that she’s a sorority gal too

considers herself v v forgettable, like, just v unimportant

like she’s just rly insecure

still does computer shit n is still rly good at it but she hasn’t done anything srs w/ it so it’s just wasted potential

going to use her journalism degree to do investigative journalism and maybe escape her parents, eventually

she just. bends easily to other’s wills, y’know? she’s hashtag soft

even tho she’s like. shy n awkward n shit it doesn’t take a lot for her to like, laugh, or smile

like she tries rly hard to appear happy n an optimist n just like. unfettered

a lil plain jane we stan

i cant think of anything else but she’s. she’s a good kid

OH she’s rly good w numbers n math but like that’s abt it. she’s a whole dumbass on everything else sometimes

is bad w talking n giving advice like in person but like ?? in her column or ovr text or smth ? she’s good. she’s concise.

is a good team player/good w/ projects/etc. etc.

OH OKAY YEAH

she’s rly observant n b/c she’s a lil bit of a compulsive liar she can usually tell when ppl arent honest

depending on how close y’all r she’ll prolly crack down on ur bullshit

but she’s also timid so like who knows tbh

this isn’t a personality trait but she wears like medium hoop earrings all the time n it’s cute ok bye

OK OK LAST THING

she’s so. fucking. clumsy. she will bump into everything. she’ll bump into the air. fuck, she prolly falls over just standing straight. usually has bruises n scratches from just being a clumsy idiot

like she can b a lil ditzy y’know ?? doesn’t have much common sense, sometimes, n can b naive but idk it’s all rly dependent on her n who she’s w n just. how i end up playing her lmao

lovs vintage. is cute.

wanted connections

her roommate uwu

ppl she’s interacted w/ during her childhood !! she’s moved around a lot so like . . . . they could kno each other

mmm sorority sisters

um gimme a ride or die or like a best friend or smth PLS she needs more friends

just more friends in general. she’s awkward but she needs ‘em

?? a one night stand ?? she’s not really . . . known for hooking up w/ ppl but i think an accidental occurrence would b fun!

idk somebody for her to just. crush on from afar. prolly stutters whenever they come near or talk to her or smth

^^i mean like an unrequited crush

SOMEBODY USE HER ! RUIN HER !

FRIENDS OR FUCKING OR WHATEVER

fake friends too! use her for her ~kewl skillz~

bad influence

let her b a good influence

some kinda...skinny love idk what that means. a will they wont they. smth cute. smth pure

it’d be wild if her partner just popped up outta the blue like that b/c mari 100% thinks they were like killed by the government

ppl she gets high w n talk abt conspiracies w/ tbh

ppl she gives or has given advice to w her column pieces ! love it

idk partners in a class

enemies or smth. i want conflict.

a tutor for her dumbass

but also anybody who needs help in math? she can tutor u

idk like this we can work a lil smth smth out

i give u one penny, if u plot w me. pls. i am poor.

[ruerojean]

After multiple failed attempts bc of my old tumblr URL being a ‘threat’ to instagrams guidelines.. I decided to just make a whole new URL dedicated to this type of thing exclusively!

So this will be the link on my profile for now. I will add it to my Insta stories.. Instagram won’t let me add it to my website bio smh.. but we will get there eventually.. & I will stand answering them once I have enough to go through in a row :)

As a reminder - I am doing this bc I was inpatient at a mental health facility (psych ward) for what was only meant to be around 7-14 days. I had a psychiatrist appt on the Thursday before.. completely unaware of what was about to happen to that Sunday coming.. after basically having a complete nervous/mental breakdown in my session about what I had been going through the last 3 months prior to seeing my psych.. she immediately rang the hospitals inpatient team. The consulting suits for outpatients are within the same hospital as inpatients. Without telling me a thing.. she picked up the phone & said “Hi this is Dr ‘..’ could you please reserve me a bed for my patient “..” (that being me) for this Sunday at 11am for inpatient services, thankyou. In my mind.. I was obviously freaking THE FUK OUT.. as anybody would. I have never been inpatient before. I have always fought against it. Once before I was always put in on completely unrelated issues pertaining to an ED against my will & I also have a strong fear around ALL hospitals in general after seeing many loved ones die & the lack of care surrounding that. I panicked immediately & confronted her about it. When she explained her reasoning.. I didn’t feel as pacicked anymore.. bc it wasn’t necessarily about putting ME ‘away’ bc she thought I was ‘crazy’ or needing some kind of treatment or whatever.. it was about getting me out of the environment I was currently in, keeping me safe, getting me away from my parents, getting me the resources I needed to help me escape from from them, getting me FREE treatment, care, meds etc.. everything was free. She said it was basically a way to get me away from my mom.. away from the toxic environment.. give me free help from her team that as an outpatient I would have to pay for which I can’t bc of financial abuse.. & also she would be able to see me every single afternoon for free for 30-60 mins as an inpatient. I could get free medication while I’m there. See gps, go to group therapies, actually get food. It all made sense. I had anxiety about the people who I would be in there with tho.. I knew I didn’t ‘belong’ in there.. I was like is this an adult place? Do I have to speak to people? Can I just stay in my room? Are some people psychotic? What am I going to be dealing w in there? And she laughed and was like omg absolutely not.. no one is like that.

And boy was she right. I cried on my first day bc I have never felt so safe.. so peaceful.. so loved.. so.. it was the saddest feeling bc I realised this is what it’s meant to be like & im in a fucking psych ward & i felt SAFER & CALMER & HAPPIER & MORE AT PEACE IN HERE?!?!?! i realised jus how fucked up things were then.. just how bad it actually was. i never wanted to leave. i had some bad days, some awful ducking bitch nurses that fucked up my meds & spoke about me in the worst ways and behind my back despite me STILL HEARING IT.. but that’s people. i loved it there. my first day out was awful. everytime my mom came to visit was awful. the times I spoke to my dad were the worst times ever. the time I saw my dad.. awful. i couldn’t wait to go back to that place that I started calling it ‘home’. i hate being back here.. i hate it. im trying so hard just to survive. that is not life. i want to live.. not just try my hardest everyday to catch my breath.

[n-fly]

question tag

thank u to my fave person on earth for tagging me @wonshu <3 im a boring person so here we go :”)

i tag: @nctlimit @baepque @1sinbs @theperksandthequirks

1. Are you named after someone?

yes, i’m named after the first woman martyr of islam (my birth name) while my nickname is simply the middle of my birth name :”)

2. When is the last time you cried?

when i was watching miracle in cell no. 7 like a week ago? 

3. Do you like your handwriting?

no ;-; it’s a complete mess,,, i used to get detention for it all the time. my bio teacher once thought i was cheating because my handwriting changes (?) in style within the same paragraph. for example, a couple sentences would be slanted to the right, while others to the left, some in the middle and so on...

4. What is your favorite lunch meat?

uh, chicken <3

5. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?

i dont know. now that im myself i know how much of a shitty person i am so i would stay away from me but if i were someone else? idk

6. Do you use sarcasm?

a lot. to an extent people cant tell if im being serious or not 99% of the time yike

7. Do you have your tonsils?

yes

8. Would you bungee jump?

if i had money YES

9. What is your favorite kind of cereal?

anything chocolate-y, cocoa puffs & fruit loops

10. Do you untie your shoes when you take off your shoes? 

only if it’s absolutely necessary

 11. Do you think you’re a strong person?

yes, 

12. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

i love ice cream in every flavor besides strawberry. but chocolate will always be my fave

13. What is the first thing you notice about people?

their behavior i guess? kindness, way of talking etc

14. Red or pink?

both 

15. What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself?

everything lolz but i dont have enough energy or time to care about it

16. What color pants and shoes are you wearing now?

gray sweats n uh if i wore shoes in the house my mom would end me

17. What was the last thing you ate?

cherries :”)

18. What are you listening to right now?

my dad is in the room so nothing atm but i was listening to chase by dream catcher a few mins ago

19. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

yellow

20. Favorite smell?

u know when u put cake in the oven and it gives off this smell after a while, yeah, that.

21. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

my friend emily :”)

22. Favorite sport to watch?

basketball heh (and ice skating)

23. Hair color?

i wear hijab but anyway atm it’s rose gold because of taeyong and frank ocean

24. Eye color?

brown

25. Do you wear contacts?

no

26. Favorite food to eat?

CHICKEN SHAWARMA <3 <3 <3 <3

27. Scary movie or comedy?

comedy, scary movies can get really boring 

28. Last movie you watched?

split

29. What color of shirt are you wearing?

gray 

30. Summer or winter? 

winter. summer out here is HELL

31. Hugs or kisses?

hugs?? 

32.What book are you currently reading?

the valley of amazement by amy tan. amazing book, i recommend. speaking of which i need to get this to the library bc i think it’s overdue yikes

33. Who do you miss right now?

uh?? yusol

34. What is on your mouse pad?

a charity organization logo

35. What is the last program you watched?

2moons ;---; i cant believe season 1 is over ;;;-;;

36. What is the best sound?

this <3333 & this 

37. Rolling Stones or the Beatles?

neither

38. What is the furthest you have ever traveled?

once it took me n my mom n siblings 24 hours to reach california from turkey. it was horrible 

39.Do you have a special talent?

no lol im useless

40. Where were you born?

Philly, west philadelphia. born and raised. my hometown. 

[mylittledesaster]

The day before christmas I went for a walk through town. Thats what I told mom and dad as an excuse at least. In reality I had planner for that. On thursday I had had a Skype call with a good childhood friend of mine and I told her that I would need her to call me soon. So I let her know that she could call me and went outside. When I was sure to be out of sight of anyone I let the conversation go towards more difficult problems but I didnt tell her what my reason for this call was. We talked about her anxiety for a while and about how I am currently having some turbulences with my parents. When I got to the place where I felt I could stay for the rest of the call I got to the point.

It was really hard for me to put it into words - or to bring it up at all. I felt ridiculous like I was "aus einer fliege einen Elefanten machen" (overreacting heavily). However, as I kept on talking she started sounding more and more concerned. And finally told me that I wasnt overreacting at all and instead had a real and valide problem, that shouldnt be ignored.

The reason I asked her to call me that day was because I know that she has been through depression. I didnt think that what I am dealing with was anything even remotely as severe as depression I just thought I was experiencing symptoms that also occurred with depression and that she might have some advice on how to over come those little problems. I told her: "look I know youve had depression and I just wanted to ask you how you dealt with that." She responded with another question: "why, whats going on with you, why are you asking?" And I just started rambling about how I am feeling hopeless and dull and like a burden to everyone around me. Suddenly, she interrupted me: "do you get healthy amounts of sleep?" I told her that my sleep schedule is completely fucked up, not bc im not getting enough sleep and more so bc I am sleeping for far too long amounts of time and I still always feel tired, like I could go right back to sleep no matter what time of day it is. She didnt say anything for a moment and then said: "im so sorry but youre probably going through actual depression."

I immediately started crying, I felt like I was going to be sick. I didnt want that to be the truth. I had thought about it but always quickly pushed the thought aside. I am afraid of depression and i had hung on to the last bit of hope that it would be just a phase or whatever.

We talked for two hours until I started walking back home. I promised to keep her updated and thanked her for the phone call. I promised her that I would try to get help and reach put to a therapist immediately. I felt so relieved and crushed at the same time.

I spent days trying to find a therapist now. Yesterday, so five days later I called a therapist and spoke onto the Mail box. I was very glad that I didnt have to speak to anyone on the phone. But now im anxiously waiting for a response.

I still dont believe that I have depression. I have not been diagnosed by a professional. And until then I will keep hoping that it's not depression.

But a part of me wants that diagnosis. I want certainty. And I want to know that there is a solution to all my problems. And even more than that I want to have a reason for these problems, other than the reason that I have figured out: that im a shitty human being.