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peacewhendone · 3 years ago

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The Winchester Gospels: I just don’t want to miss you tonight

Title: I just don’t want to miss you tonight (Read on A03) Series: The Winchester Gospels - Chuck’s Deleted Scenes (A03 | Masterpost) Rating: G Characters: Sam Winchester, Gabriel Pairing(s): Gabriel/Sam Winchester Episode: Set between 05.19 Hammer of the Gods, 05.20 The Devil You Know Words: 2,234 Song Inspiration: Diamante & Breaking Benjamin - Iris Soundtrack: Spotify | Rebloggable Summary:

Hey, Gabriel. We've got a lead on Pestilence. Thank you, for... for going up against Lucifer, for telling us about the rings. We have a plan, now, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Because of you. I wish you were here. I'm sorry. You're gone and it's all my fault. If I hadn't started this – if I hadn't started this, you wouldn't be dead. If I manage to stop this, you can consider it an apology. Gabe... can you ever forgive me?

Goodbye, Gabriel.

Gabriel? I... I don't know if you can hear me. I don't know if you're really – really dead, or if it was just another trick. Either way, I need to know. So if you could, uh. Call. Or show up. Please.

Gabriel. It's Sam. We watched the DVD. I'm not gonna ask why you thought I would watch it all the way through, but – there's some things we need to talk about. Please call me.

Gabriel... I miss you. I've tried to find you. I've been checking online, in newspapers, tabloids... nothing. No hits. No leads. Either you're doing a better job then usual at staying under the radar, or... or you didn't make it. Gabe, I need you to have made it.

Okay, Gabriel. You win. I've been praying a thousand times a day, every day, for over a week. You're not answering. I get it. You don't want to talk to me. You could still let me know you're okay. Just come tell me you're okay, tell me to stop praying, and I will.

Hey, Gabriel... your message at the end of that DVD... did you mean it? Showing up right now would be a great way to prove it. I'm at Bobby's.

Gabriel, what the hell?! Why won't you fucking answer me?! I need to know you're okay! Even if you don't want to talk, or see me, or whatever, just – dammit, Gabe, let me know you're okay somehow! Snap some chocolate onto my pillow or something!

I love you too, Gabriel. I believe you meant it. Will you please show up so you can tell me these things in person instead of from my computer screen?

Cass says you're dead, Gabriel. Don't worry, I told him he was wrong. He didn't believe me, but, I mean, the guy is still looking for God. Even though he hasn't been around for millennia. Why can he have faith in God but I can't have faith in you?

Come back, Gabriel. I'll do anything. You hear me? I don't care what it is, I'll do it. I'll shower you in candy and cake and anything else you want if you just come back.

Dammit, Gabriel! I can't believe you did this to me! I can't believe that you left me!

Where are you, Gabriel? Why haven't you called?

Gabriel... did I scare you when I said we needed to talk? Is that why you haven't come back? It wasn't going to be bad. I just... we need to have an actual discussion about us, and we can't do that until you show up. Please, Gabe. Come find me.

I can't do this without you, Gabriel. Please come back to me.

Hey... Gabriel, it's Sam. Again. I'm, uh, guessing Lucifer really did kill you this time. It's been three weeks, and I just can't believe you'd let me freak out for this long if it wasn't true. So, maybe you can still hear me, wherever you are? I hope you can.

Goodbye, Gabriel.

Sam was sitting in yet another dingy motel room, waiting for Dean to come back. After Sam had gotten back from a food run, Dean had eaten and then said he was gonna find a bar. He'd tried to get Sam to go too, telling him he needed to get out, but Sam didn't want to be around people. He had been withdrawing more and more since Elysian Fields, slowly beginning to believe that Gabriel hadn't made it. Now he just wanted to be alone, all the time.

At the moment, he was sitting on the floor, back against one of the twin beds, forehead on his knees. He'd been crying – again – and he was glad Dean wasn't there to see it this time. Last time he had broken down, he had confessed to his brother that it was all his fault – that Gabriel would never have stood up against Lucifer if it hadn't been for Sam.

“I got him killed, Dean! Just because he cared about me! Because I couldn't stay away from him!”

Sam curled his arms around his legs, letting out a shaky breath. Castiel had shown up a few days after the confrontation with Lucifer, supposedly looking for Dean, but Sam knew he was just there to be with him. The angel still wasn't exactly comfortable putting words to his feelings, but Sam knew without asking that Castiel felt something about losing Gabriel. He always regretted the loss of another angel. Cass had looked at him awhile before asking, “was it worth it?”

Sam hadn't known if he meant caring for Gabriel, or Gabriel sacrificing himself, or what. He had the feeling that Gabriel's death was forcing the falling angel to come to terms with his own angel-human... entanglement. He had only shrugged and said he didn't know. Castiel had only nodded, before dropping back into silence, a warm presence that helped keep Sam from falling apart.

He still didn't know if it was worth it. Any of it.

Lucifer was still out there, and while they did have a plan, there were so many things that could go wrong. Sam's trying to hold on to his faith, for his brother's sake, but since losing Gabriel... well. Faith was in short supply these days.

Lost in his grief, Sam didn't hear the flutter of wings or feel the slight breeze that rustled his hair. He did, however, hear the soft voice.

“Sam.”

Sam's head jerked up, body tensing, eyes wide open. Gabriel knelt in front of him, an uncharacteristically solemn expression on his face.

“Gabriel,” he breathed out.

Gabriel smiled, soft, hands resting on his knees. “Hey, kiddo.” He didn't move, didn't try to reach out to Sam, just sat there looking at him.

“This – you can't be here,” Sam almost begged. “This isn't real.” Convinced he fell asleep, that he's stuck in another dream, that Lucifer is using the image of another person ingrained in Sam's soul to manipulate him, he squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head.

“I'm real, Sam. It's me.”

Sam kept his eyes closed. He was not going to give Lucifer the pleasure. “How could I possibly believe that?”

“Directed prayers can't be heard by anyone else.” Honey gold eyes collided with hazel as Sam's flew open. He couldn't look away. One corner of Gabriel's mouth lifted in a smirk. “So you watched the entire DVD, huh? Some of my best work, if I do say so myself.”

Sam froze. He remembered praying to Gabriel, telling him he had seen it all. Before his mind could fully catch up, he had thrown himself at the archangel, burying his face in Gabriel's neck as his hands fisted into the edges of Gabriel's jacket. Gabriel was just as quick to hold him in return, one hand going into the hair on the back of Sam's head and the other arm going around his waist. He breathed in the scent of pine and patchouli and vanilla that was uniquely Sam. His arm tightened around the hunter as traces of wetness hit his throat.

“Shhh, Sammy, it's okay, I'm okay, I'm safe.” the trickster whispered, trying to soothe the hunter.

“Where were you, Gabe?” Sam asked brokenly. “I thought - “ he couldn't finish the sentence, leaning into Gabriel even more. Archangel strength was a blessing. Gabriel would have toppled over if he had been human.

“I know, Sam, I know.” Gabriel stroked his fingers through Sam's hair. “I had to wait, had to make sure everyone believed Lucifer had killed me. It took longer then I wanted.”

“Do that again and I'll kill you myself,” the hunter grumbled, making Gabriel snort.

“I may let you.” he admitted softly. He drew back, waiting for Sam to meet his eyes again. When he did, he smiled, moving his arm from Sam's hair to stroke his fingers against Sam's cheek. Sam leaned into the caress, eyes still on Gabriel. “I never wanted to leave you, Sam.”

Sam swallowed thickly, before clearing his throat. “Then why did you?” The look he gave Gabriel was accusing, but there was still so much sadness. Like he still didn't believe Gabriel was real.

If Gabriel had had a heart, it would have broken. Gabriel's eyes closed and he leaned forward, pressing his forehead to Sam's.

“You know why.”

Sam nodded, the motion making his hair tickle Gabriel's face. Gabriel titled his head, pressing a soft kiss to the hunter's forehead before drawing back again.

“You were right,” Gabriel said, hands drifting down to wrap around Sam's where they still clutched his jacket. “We do need to talk, but not about us.” Gabriel paused, waiting until Sam's attention was focused back on his face, before continuing. “What happened was not your fault, Sam. It was my choice.” He smiled ruefully, brushing Sam's hair back from his face. His hand lingered after he tucked the strand behind Sam's ear. “It was the only way I could make sure you got out of there. You gonna tell me you wouldn't have done the same, if the roles had been switched?”

Sam blew out a breath, annoyance on his face. “You know I would.”

“I did what I had to. I couldn't run, not that time.” Because you matter to me, he thought but didn't say. Because running meant losing you.

“But you wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for me,” Sam said. “If I had just stayed away after Crawford Hall, if I had let you go after Mystery Spot - “

“I didn't have to show up, ya know,” Gabriel pointed out. “Regardless of... us. I could've stayed away.”

“This is a circular argument, you know that, right?” Sam sighed. He sagged back against the bed, feeling drained.

“I was just waiting for you to figure that out.” Gabriel said with a mischievous smile.

The archangel stood, holding out his hands for Sam's. “C'mere.” Sam slid his hands into Gabriel's, letting him pull Sam to his feet. As soon as he was standing, the hunter was right back in Gabriel's space, a hand on Gabriel's shoulder and the other on his cheek.

“Will you – can you stay? With me? Just for the night?” the hunter asked softly.

Gabriel softened, looking up at the hunter. “I'll stay as long as I can,” he promised. When Sam smiled, a real smile full of joy, Gabriel's eyes got even softer.

“Good,” Sam said simply, tugging Gabriel towards his bed. He laid down on top of the covers, drawing the archangel down with him. They laid there, just looking at each other, legs tangled around the other's. Gabriel had one hand drawing soothing motions on Sam's side, while Sam was rubbing Gabriel's cheek with his thumb.

“Thank you,” Sam said after a comfortable silence. “For coming back.”

“I'll always come back, Sam.”

Sam decided not to ruin the moment by telling him that neither of them could promise that, not with their lives, not with the Apocalypse on the horizon. Instead he just laid there and played with Gabriel's hair until he fell asleep.

When Sam's eyes drooped closed and his breathing deepened, Gabriel let out a shaky breath. He ached with what he was about to do, with the knowledge of how it would tie Sam up in knots.

He shouldn't have come here. He should have stayed away, let Sam continue believing he was dead. But when Sam had started blaming himself, apologizing for it – Gabriel couldn't take it any more. He missed the hunter with a fierce ache that just kept getting worse. Coming here was a mistake. Indulging himself wasn't going to make anything better.

He didn't know how long he had been laying there, watching Sam sleep, trying to memorize the way his skin felt and how he looked and how he smelled, when he heard the Impala drive up outside the motel. He sighed, softly, brushing back more of Sam's hair.

“I'm sorry, Sammy,” he murmured, leaning over to softly kiss the hunter's cheek. So soft that Sam didn't even stir. He held up two fingers, hesitating, until he heard the Impala shut off. He pressed the fingers to Sam's forehead, taking one more moment to look at the way Sam's lashes curled against his cheeks in his sleep. When he heard Dean approaching the room, cursing as he tried to find his motel key, he snapped and disappeared from the room.

When Sam woke up the next morning, he was in bed, curled under the blanket. He didn't remember going to bed, but he must have, obviously. Dean would have just left him wherever he fell asleep. He didn't actually remember much from the night before. The heavy spot inside that had been there since Gabriel died had eased off a little, and he felt something else, too.

It felt like redemption.

It felt like forgiveness.

#my fics #fic: the winchester gospels - chuck's deleted scenes #sam winchester #gabriel #sabriel #dean winchester #castiel #05.19 #05.19 hammer of the gods #05.20 #05.20 the devil you know #supernatural fanfic #spn fanfic

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