#spent christmas 2016-2020 in my room and that was ideal

[hellkitepriest]

incredible respect to anyone who does Family Christmas Dinner my gf and i have had one (1) friend over for the last 4 hours and i have already had to sneak off and lie down for a bit. im not made for this

[annakie]

Patchy

A little under two years ago I made this post, a chronicle of Patchy, the outside feral, turned inside kitty who took ten years to learn to love being petted.

Today we got some bad news.

TW for pet illness under the cut.

Patchy’s always been a bit of a puker, usually oh, say, once a month or so she’d have a good puke for no reason.  I’ve had other cats that are pukers so it’s not that surprising.

In the late winter/early spring I started to notice more frequent pukes.

I’d decided around that time that I needed to find healthier food for my cats, with Leela, the oldest turning 16, Fry turning 11, Pemily turning 7 and Patchy turning, I don’t know, 12 or 13.  No way to really know.  They already got decent food, but I did my research and had started looking at Blue Buffalo, American Journey and Dave’s canned food. 

Patchy had been on a mostly canned food diet since she went to the vet back in early 2020 and had a bunch of teeth pulled.  Also, as a note, Patchy’s brief flirtation with hanging out in the rest of the house ended after like a month.  She and Fry fought too much, and eventually he claimed the rest of the house is his.  He also still thinks the master bedroom should be his, but, Patchy defends that territory well if anyone else encroaches. (The door just stays closed most of the time.)  I really wish they could have all gotten along, I loved having Patchy out, but both Fry and Patchy agreed it wasn’t going to work.

The food she’d been on was pretty junk-food-ish though, which she did love and eat. But I wanted everyone on more or less the same diet and the highest quality food I could readily get them.  So I bought a lot of cans of different kinds of food, and kept a list of which ones seemed to be hits and misses. (I still have a dozen cans of the kind nobody liked -- Blue Buffalo Wilderness Salmon -- I’ve been meaning to take to the city shelter).

Around halfway into this experiment I noticed Patchy puking more, so I decided to try to stick with her favorite kinds, which, I thought was helping.

But once I was fully vaccinated this year, it was time to get all the pets to the vet.  I noticed Patchy had still lost some weight, I thought it was due to switching around her food too much earlier, and tried to stick with the things I felt she really liked.

Then, of course, Leela got sick, spent two and a half days in the pet ER and almost died back in April, and then it was like... yeah we’re done being afraid of COVID, we’re done waiting.  It’s time to get them all their checkups.

My regular vet was doing COVID restrictions so no pet owners inside the clinic back then, so they took Patchy (and the others) in without me.  I thought Patchy had lost some weight, but Dr. B. sounded alarmed when he called me with how much lost she’d lost in the last year, about five pounds.  He wanted to do some bloodwork for Patchy, and I said of course go for it.  

He called back, sounding much calmer and was like “her bloodwork couldn’t be more perfect.  Let’s try switching up her food, get her on some sensitive stomach food and let’s see how she’s doing in a couple weeks.”

So two weeks later it did seem like she was doing better, I called Dr. B back and he said to bring her back in a month.

It was my plan to take her back next week when I had some PTO coming.  I admit, later than planned... my last couple of months have been mucn more focused on Leela... who, thankfully, continues to thrive.  But feeling like my time with her is running out, she’s been my main area of concern.

The last few days though, Patchy has really not been eating well.  Sometimes she does OK, sometimes nothing at all.  And then puking every day.  I swapped her back even to a few cans of the Junk Food (Whiskas) I still had laying around.  She’d eat it... and then puke it up.  And also she... stopped sleeping with me.  I thought... well, it’s summer.  It’s probably too hot to cuddle.  But she stopped laying on the bed.  She stopped coming up for pets when I come to bed and hang out for awhile specifically to spend time with her and pet her.  She runs under the bed again when I come into the room.  It’s like we regressed to three or four years ago... just two weeks after our two year anniversary of getting to pet her.

So this afternoon we went to the vet.  Getting her into the carrier sucked.  I tried nice methods, then I had to scare her into the closet by running the vacuum, and then pretty roughly grab her.  I have scratches and a pretty deep bite on my thumb which either maybe hit a nerve or is infected, may have to go to the doctor for it tomorrow. (Yes, washed it thoroughly with soap as soon as I could.)  I also hated betraying her trust that badly, but it’s for her own good.  But it was rough.

Dr B. wasn’t working so I saw one of the other vets.  I liked him. Also COVID restrictions are gone so I got to go inside. But after talking to him for a few minutes, going over her history and what changes I’ve made, he spent a long time rubbing her intestines (Patchy was perfectly behaved, at least.)   Then he looked concerned.  Then he said let’s do an ultrasound.

A few minutes he came back in and showed me her scans. 

Lymphoma.

I was a bit stunned for a second so I missed a bit of the technical speak he said next, but it came down to the best thing we could do is give her some medicine that may buy her more time.  It doesn’t sound like Chemo or Operating is even really an option.  I’m going to call back tomorrow and see if Dr. B or the vet I talked to can talk me through it a little better now that I’ve had a chance to digest.

If I can get Patchy to take the medicine, and if she responds well to it... she may have 3 - 6 months left.

If she won’t take it, or if she doesn’t respond, it’s at this point, a matter of her comfort and quality of life.  So... weeks.  And I’m worried about getting her to take the medicine, especially since she won’t even come let me pet her and we just had a huge trust betrayal today. I don’t know if I could take her spending her last few weeks hating me, especially if the medicine doesn’t work.

The vet also told me that... I didn’t do anything wrong.  And we did the right thing six or so weeks ago by changing her food and seeing if a few other things worked. Especially with how good her blookwork looked.  He barely felt the cancer today, he said six weeks ago Dr. B wouldn’t have been able to feel it at all.  And for this particular type of lymphoma... there’s not a lot to be done, anyway.  That made me feel better, at least.

(As a really dumb side note, after I got her home, I sat down to eat dinner and watch an episode of Star Trek to take my mind off of all of this since I’d been crying since I found out, paid my bill, and drove home, stopping at a drive through so I didn’t have the mental load of cooking.  And I’m in the middle of my rewatch of Enterprise.  I bet any trekkies reading this can guess what episode was next in my rewatch because yep I’m in season two and A NIGHT IN SICKBAY started playing, of course, so obviously I NOPED THE FUCK OUT OF THAT EPISODE.  For the non-Trekkies.... the Captain has a dog on board, an adorable beagle, Porthos.  The dog gets sick and almost dies and spends his night in Sickbay.  He does pull through.  But the ONE episode centered around a beloved pet getting sick and almost dying... and that’s the episode that fate decreed I was supposed to watch tonight. I did not.  I don’t know if I can watch it anytime soon.)

So now for the next few weeks I will spend my time being grateful that Leela is alive and thriving and pray she keeps doing so -- I will continue to give her extra love and care and attention, and also I will need to do the same for Patchy.  I can’t even do it at the same time because Patchy will not come out here, and will not allow Leela in her room. 

I am low-key freaking out that there’s the possibility of the nightmare scenario happening to me again.  In winter 2016, after months of being sick, I woke up on Christmas morning and my 16-year-old cat Jim had died overnight.  It was terrible, and traumatic, and I had to deal with everything all alone because anyone who could support me was... well, it was Christmas morning and my family was all out of town, too.  Posting about it on Tumblr... actually really helped me, since it’s the only place I felt like I could talk about it.

That Christmas was on a Sunday.

Wednesday morning I woke up to hearing my dog, Cebu, moaning in pain.   I rushed him to the vet, but whatever happened overnight, it was too late, maybe there wasn’t anything we ever could have done even if I’d been awake when the puking started.  The vet said the kindest thing we could do was put him to sleep.  And we did.

Also I just, JUST now realized that the vet who helped put Cebu to sleep was the same vet who I saw today about Patchy.

But I lost two of my pets within 3 days of each other.  I was very lucky that my job let us have the week between Christmas and New Years off that year.  I had a few days to pull myself together, and I needed it.  It took months to recover totally, though.  Every once in awhile I think about that week and I still cry, though.  I miss them both so much and they both had deaths that were less than ideal.

I remember thinking then “I have like, five years of reprive.  Leela will be sixteen in five years, and that’s when I have to start to worry again, when I have to be ready to say goodbye again.”

I thought then that even after that I’d have two or three years until Patchy would leave me, and two or three years past that until Fry.  And then five more years with Pemily.

Right now I’m realizing that I will likely lose Patchy, very best case in six months, but possibly before July is over.

I need Leela to keep thriving.  I don’t know how I would handle losing another two so close together again.

Patchy is... she’s the one who chose me.  I chose my other cats.  Fry and Pemily I plucked from the backyard when they were tiny kittens and brought them inside.  They didn’t have a choice.  Leela I adopted from a rescue, she didn’t have a choice.  Patchy chose to stay.  She chose to stick around when she realized I’d feed her.  It took years but she learned to trust, she chose to come inside when it was cold, when it was hot, when it was storming, and when she was pregnant.  She chose me to help raise the last litter of kittens she’d ever had.  (My entire Rescue Kitties tag is full of adventures in finding, raising and usually adopting out strays. Lots and lots of posts about Patchy and her final litter.  Been awhile since I’ve done it, though.)

I used to joke that Patchy was my roommate, not a pet.  She ate, drank, did her business, and kept to herself for a long time.  Don’t get me wrong, she was a very good, quiet, considerate roommate and I loved her.  But it wasn’t until that wonderful day she let me pet her that I felt like she was my pet. 

I loved having her just hanging out living in the house since 2014, but the last two years especially have brought me such joy.  I’ve tried to never take Patchy’s trust in me for granted.  It was EARNED.  Every small step forward was a milestone to be celebrated. I worked for every bit of trust and love Patchy has given me, and have been rewarded.  And it was worth it.  Every minute.  Every long, patient year.

Even now I’m telling myself... without me, she would have died years ago.  Probably violently, or starved, maybe frozen to death.  Getting to die of cancer brought on by older age is not something that most feral cats ever get to do.  Getting to become an inside kitty where she’s loved, and comfortable for the second half of her life was something remarkable, brought on by her wiles and will to survive for so many years, bolstered by the food I left out for her.  She’s had this much time, this much life, this much comfort and love that she would have never had otherwise, and that’s something to be happy about.

I’ve watched dozens of ferals come and go through my neighborhood throughout the years.  I feed them, I work on seeing if I can get them to trust me enough to let me TNR them, but even those that I have, I don’t keep seeing for much longer.  There’s one right now, I jokingly call him Patchy’s Boyfriend.  He still won’t trust me and never has fallen for the trap when I’ve tried.  But he’s there most nights when I feed him around 11.  He’s getting terribly thin despite the quality food I leave out.  I’ll miss him.

But none of them were Patchy.  None of them became what she is to me. None of them survived long enough to adapt and decide to live another life.

Also?  I wouldn’t have Pemily without her.  Pemily is literally Patchy’s Granddaughter and that is one more thing I love Patchy for.

I feel guilty sometimes, both because I don’t spend nearly enough waking hours with her I feel, but I have three others who need me, as well. One who’s time is growing short, as well.  And they don’t get to sleep with me, she does.  What a joy it was all winter when I would wake up and she’d be sleeping on my chest.  I’d get a bit annoyed when she’d sleep with her backside to my face and her tail would tickle my face and wake me up.  I’m a side-sleeper half the night and she hated that it was harder to get comfortable on me that way.  She still doesn’t want to have my hand just stay on her, she wants pets and skirtches, no long-form touching.  That’s ok.  I sleep better with her weight on me.

I don’t know what the next few weeks or months will hold, but at least pet-wise, it’s going to be rough.  I’m going to wrap this up and give these three out here a good pet, then go hope Patchy comes and asks for love, too.  Tomorrow is one more day with all four of them, and for that, I’ll be grateful, for every remaining day.

[med-blahg]

2017: Year in Review pt. 1/??

After compiling most of the notable pictures of the year and hoping to make a nice twitter thread as is the bandwagon, I’ve decided to do this year-end reflection survey instead, since a) I was a bit too lazy to organize my thoughts, and b) surveys!!! This was the shit back in the multiply days.

What one event, big or small, are you going to tell your grandchildren about?

I’m going to cheat on this a bit because two events came to mind.

TRP - Two-peat Championship! Once again, batch 2020 proved itself legendary. TRP chorale season was extra memorable this year because I ran for the position of Music Head. Fed, my predecessor, warned me that scheduling rehearsals was especially a logistical nightmare, with last year’s different schedules for Blocks A and B. What more for LU5′s eight blocks, right?

I think there were three main challenges we had to go through for this to happen. The first was the very beginning -- the creation of the song itself. There was an added pressure since our piece last year was deemed the best, and even the same composer and arranger had a difficult time creating one for our last chance to grace the stage. We had two nights of brainstorming at Fed’s place (with free Angel’s pizza... and an out-of-post PER ICC huhu).

As far as I remember, he was already on his fifth or so attempt to make a song as the first ones garnered negative reviews. It was hard to get inspiration unlike last year where he was just especially moved after a lecture in Ther. In his words, pigang piga na siya. We were also having creative differences which really hindered us from making any real progress. Fortunately, on the second night, we finally overcame this with a switch to major chords and a great concept from James, giving birth to our wonderful chorus with the lines,

Bawat segundong nilaan, bawat hirap nalampasan,

Katumbas ng buhay na maliligtas.

...which tied very well with the theme, Orasa: Ang Dakilang Maestro.

The second challenge was actually a personal one. I got a taste of this logistical nightmare that Fed spoke of. It was particularly nerve-wracking especially for an irresponsible person like me, who has always clung to the clutch life. Getting venues for rehearsals was the main problem for this. Our choices were limited (MSU, Paz Men, Student Lounge, Tipunan) and in high demand, because many groups had to rehearse for TRP. It was my first time to attempt reserving a Paz Men room, which was surprisingly a lot of work -- needing to go to the Dean’s Office to check the availability of the rooms, go all the way up to the eighth floor of PGH to get it approved, go to the Cashier’s Office in OUR, and then go back to the Dean’s Office for them to confirm the payment, and then finally to Paz Men to submit the permit. But wait, there’s more! It actually cost a lot of money, which was the worst part, for me. #WeNeedSpace !!! I used my own money, which I was going to reimburse, but then we won, so... yeah, my treat then. (No one knew anyway heheh.) After all that, Paz Men obviously got scrapped from possible venues. I then had to coordinate with the MSC and MedChoir to get the free ones, being careful not to affect the batch dance schedule as much as possible.

You can then imagine getting all that work done, albeit very crammed which was entirely my fault, and then getting a poor turnout for rehearsals with just mere weeks before the competition (oh and that stupid ASEAN week which took more precious time away), to be quite disappointing, to say the least. The schedules of the different blocks and other TRP practices just couldn’t fit. This leads us to the third problem, which was to get the class motivated. This was my first reason for running to head the whole thing anyway -- I really just wanted to get the class together and to sing their hearts out once again! Thankfully, with a few motivational messages from me and our conductor, Joker, that I’m sure every one in the batch admired and respected, the attendance started going up, with one week to go.

My babies. (Sorry for the distorted faces.)

One of the final practices in particular really just transformed the song. I asked the class to do a simple exercise of singing to each other. They had to stand in a circle so they could look at each other’s faces. It was funny and awkward at first, but it was the first time I heard the piece sung with heart, and I knew they felt it too!

There were some issues with the final scoring during the competition itself, and I honestly wasn’t quite sure how to take it. But seeing how my batchmates rejoiced and hearing the audience do the winner clap (THIS IS LEGIT THOUGH HEHE) made me feel like we really deserved the win. Very grateful for the talented and hardworking music team and my bibo batchmates!

Abendlied: An Evening of Songs for the Benefit of Patients with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus -- our year-end concert for A.Y. 2016-2018. It was my first time to sing for a benefit concert. We took this opportunity not only to share our love for choral music, but also to spread awareness of SLE, a rather common condition found in PGH. I was very proud of how big this event has gotten -- thanks to sponsored boosts and our first time to get media partners (and, admittedly, our high ticket prices), we were able to procure a few hundred thousands, a part of which was donated to the PGH Lupus Club.

UP MedChoir always has a lot of major and minor events like these, but I’d choose this to share to my grandkids because in this concert, I really felt that I was blessed with talent that could help others. (Oh, which just reminded me of something, haha. Maybe it’ll get featured later, or in some other post.)

If you had to describe your 2017 in 3 words, what would they be?

Mistakes, lessons, cycle. I repeatedly did a shit ton of mistakes this year, with repercussions not only for me, but regrettably to the people around me. This came with the responsibilities I chose to accept this year. But heck, I’m proud of myself for accepting and embracing these new roles. I was brave enough to challenge myself. #characterdevelopment

What new things did you discover about yourself?

Oh, man. Haha. One of the things I discovered was that I am quite quick to forgive and forget. And then one day, some stimulus will come that will take me all the way back to when it hurt. A lot. Many of the tears shed this year were still in relation to the past aches of 2016.

What single achievement are you most proud of?

I am proud of always finding reasons to stay.

For one, there was a time when I really, really wanted to quit MedChoir. I felt that it was taking too much of my time and energy, and was also taking a toll on my mental health. There were many days with triggers, days where I just couldn’t manage to perform well, days where I was always on the brink of crying during rehearsals. It’s not supposed to be that way, I thought. There has to be another reason of staying besides the fact that I was needed. But then I saw some post saying that continuous pressure can make you hate doing the things you love. I have forgotten what turned me around during this time -- probably my friends, or taking a step back to appreciate the music like I once did. Or just the energy that we get from each other. Whatever it was, I’m glad I stayed.

I’m also proud of myself for staying in med school. Not that I actually have the choice to leave anyway, what with the millions my family would have to pay. But the thing is, I actually want to stay now. (Well, most of the time.) I’ve always feared that maybe the doctor life isn’t for me, but this ICC year has proven otherwise. Although a big factor of this is that we’re still babies in the hospital, the mere baby steps of actually enjoying interviewing, examining, and just getting to know patients was life-changing for me.

What was the best news you received?

I can think of two off the top of my head. The first, that one of our Christmas gigs got us an unexpected @@ thousand pesos (so that was around @@ thousand per song... what???), and the second was the news that one of my aunts was going to adopt a baby. This has some MMK style plot behind it, by the way -- politics, cheating, and whatnot. It didn’t push through, though. I hope that baby lives well.

What was your favourite place that you visited in 2017?

South Korea, no question!!!

1) Day 4 - The Garden of the Morning Calm. This day was my favorite. Our morning was spent in the astoundingly beautiful Nami Island. Picturesque. Trees, nature, ...and a very ideal place for dating, haha! For all ages pa. We saw couples young and old, holding hands while walking. This was where we made a pact that we’ll go back to Korea when we all got our own SO’s. That night we went to The Garden of the Morning Calm, where I thought the expanse of land decorated with lights just wouldn’t end! It really seemed like a different world back there.

2) Day 2 - Palace hopping! We went to the Gyeongbokgung and Changdeokgung Palaces. We joined the free English guided tour of the places and learned a lot. We even joked about making it like an SGD, like the bibo kids we are, hungry for learning. Haha! Photo (c) Bana

3) Day 1 - My travel buddies, Bana and Reg. For our first day, we walked around the makeup and skincare heaven that is Myeongdong and ate a lot of oh so glorious streetfood.

4) Day 3 - We went to the Namsan Tower to cap off the day... Featuring the toilet that got away.

I’m so so so glad this trip pushed through, na nakaldkad ako nina Bana and Reg to this land! I wasn’t even a hardcore Kdrama fan and I think I was initially invited just because Gio was supposed to go as well, haha. But these two welcomed me to their group, and it was such a beautiful experience! Lots of walking, sites, damn Korean couples, and food!!!!!!!!!!! These pictures are just a preview of the places we’ve been to, and the photoshoots we have so shamelessly done. Here’s our itinerary from Bana’s blog, and photos from Bana’s album, and my album!

Which of your personal qualities turned out to be the most helpful this year?

I honestly don’t know, haha. Whenever I’m asked about my strengths, I tend to think of my weaknesses instead. For this, maybe the best answer is my openness to try new things. Or just that I really tend to appreciate some people and experiences in my life. I’m in no way consistent in any of these qualities, but during the occasions that I am such, I could really feel the difference.

Who was your number one go-to person that you could always rely on?

This constant used to be Gio. After he left, I can’t say that I really have that single go-to person. Nevertheless, I could often rely on #clingy2020 and our thorough SGD’s whenever we’re going through a rough patch. I will specially mention my beshie Ian, who could always make me have a good laugh and at the same time discuss the not-so-lighter things in life.

Okay, I didn’t expect this post to be this long haha. I haven’t even gone through half of the questions yet! I guess I’ll do this in parts instead. Next year na yung iba. (He he he.)