#speaking of internet to-dos I know I am still behind on messages and I am so sorry xC

[kwillow]

Hello! I hope you are having a good day, and if not, I hope it gets better ^^

Thank you... my day is busy so far (just trying to knock out some internet to-dos on my lunch break so I can retain my social media citizenship) but I'm hoping it will at least be productive.

Alas, work. For every email answered, my desire to draw a stupid cartoon grows stronger. But I must restrain myself - for now.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

For your drabbles! “I’ve been waiting a long time to be inside of you.” + obsessive stalker trope 🫠

What We Do Online

I spun the wheel and... Andy. Sigh. This man.

The man who sits across from you is familiar but not who you expect. He's the last face you wanted to see at that very moment. In your moment of desperation.

Your hand goes instinctively to your phone as Professor Barber shifts in the chair. You gulp. It has to be some strange coincidence. Right? He's just saying hi.

You know it's not that before he even opens his mouth.

"AmethystDoll," he rasps your username as his blue eyes bore into you. He twines his fingers together and your gaze falls to the ring on his left hand.

Married. Older. Not to mention, your law professor. It's an actual nightmare come to life. You knew it was a bad idea but you need to pay rent and TA work pays for shit. Fuck.

"Professor--"

"Andy will do. We're not in class--"

"I'm sorry, I... this is so embarrassing. We can just go and forget--"

"Forget? Why?"

"Because--" you croak and your mouth goes dry. "Obviously this is just a mix up--" you never sent your face so he couldn't have known. He must be just as surprised. Right?

"It's not."

You laugh. Not because it's funny, because you're scared.

"Then why--" your eyes once more flick to his ring. "Professor--"

"Call me Andy," he insists again, this time more firmly.

"I can't--" you grab your purse and stand.

"Sit down," his voice is calm, restrained, but there's something beneath it that chills you.

"It's not--"

"You need money. I need you. It's a simple contract."

You stare at him and sit slowly. The tick in his jaw unsettles you and his eyes are unyielding. As the puzzle piece snaps into place, you gulp.

"You knew before..."

"I couldn't let anyone else have you," he says.

"Professor--"

He pulls his hands apart, balling one to a fist. You wet your lips nervously.

"Andy," you breathe, "sorry."

"Who I am doesn't change what you said," he arches a brow, "does it?"

Your eyes round as your conversations flash through your mind. You squeeze your phone tighter. It's all there. And the last message he sent, right as you got to the restaurant. 'I’ve been waiting a long time to be inside of you.'

"It does," you utter, "it's... different now."

"How?"

"Because you're... you."

"Because I'm me. You know me, sweetheart. I'm not some stranger and I'm the only reason you're not sitting here across from some creep," he sneers, "so no, nothing is different. This is what we agreed to."

"You lied--"

"Good lesson, isn't it, not to trust everything you see on the internet," he reaches to brush his fingertips over his thick beard. "And be careful what you put there..." he reaches across the table and puts his hand around yours. He slides the phone out from your grasp, "you never know who might see it."

You watch him take your phone and slip it into his jacket pocket. You say nothing. There's nothing to say and he doesn't need to speak the obvious. Even if you never sent your face, it was still you behind the screen, and the college council wouldn't see it any different.

[perryrata]

hello, i have a question for you: on your youtube it says that "I am not your friend nor will I ever be your friend: you DONT know me and I DONT know you."

so can we still talk to you ?because i've always been told that you make friends with people by talking to them but if you cannot be anyone's friends then we cannot talk to you??? but then you have asks open so is it fine for me to ask this to begin with? what are the rules of talking to you, because some other people also sent asks, so the asks can only be about life series and hermitcraft?

sorry if the queries are annoying i need hard clarification for everything (i'm also neurodivergent)

Sensitive topic below, mentions of grooming.

Phew.. alrighty.. buckle in! (Remember, I am a minor) Yes, you may speak to me, just not about personal things. Some examples from the past: people asking in comments on how my day went; what grade I got on a quiz, and venting to me on streams. It’s there to discourage these extremely uncomfortable parasocial relationships.

From a viewers perspective, I shouldn’t be anything more than an artist that loves pistachio ice cream. I shouldn’t be viewed as a friend. You truly don’t know who I am, what I’ve done or been through; and the same for vice versa.

It’s also for safety; if someone is impersonating me and messaging viewers: it’s not me(unless of course you are also an artist and we’re doing a collab). I’ve just been very aware of the threat of grooming. Although I’ve been silent about it, I have been groomed.

It’s why I made my PerryRata account. To disassociate myself from the people who knew my other accounts. Legally, we are trying to get the monster behind bars, but because the police want an easy case: they really haven’t done shit.

So, the closer I get to random people on the internet: the more worried I get about the threat. From both sides: people impersonating me and grooming impressionable folk; and people getting close to me and then taking advantage of me.

I’d just rather have it be about my art, others art, Life Series, and Hermitcraft.

All of this is meant in an informative way, I don’t blame you for asking! ❤️

I’m still going to play games with chat, interact with peeps etc.. just remember, just because you’ve played Roblox with me, doesn’t mean you know me.

[roobiedo]

🎉🚲 THE POPSICLE BIKE IS HERE 🚲🎉

and its featuring all sorts of fun, fruity flavors! freshly picked from the food forests, blended and frozen into a familiar shape, then paired with a fancy floral cone. and all for free? F-YEAH

all the vendor asks for in return is to leave a nice message in the tags for him (or for his pet plant Pothony). so go ahead, choose your favourite!

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loooong exposition ahead, bear with me ok

when i was a primary school kid (like 7), there was a row of bushes lining the garden outside our classroom. and on them were clusters and clusters of tiny red flowers, bunched together like pre-made bouquets. they're called ixora, locally known as jejarum (needle).

somehow, mini me discovered that if you look real close at the center of each flower, you'll find a little tab in the shape of a sprout (that's the stigma). and if you gently tug on that tab, you'll pull out a flimsy, needle-like stick (that's the style). and at the end of that stick...... was a dollop of liquid gold (it's nectar).

at that age? it felt like hitting the jackpot! my friends and i we were SET. gluttony Gripped us as we descended upon those poor little flowers, sucking up every drop of nectar we could find, leaving a trail of bright red petals in our wake. yet it was never enough. of course it wasn't.

yeah i'm exaggerating but it really did feel like i committed a massacre ok 😭 i don't know that child anymore i've grown!! left their insatiable little shell behind!!!

anyway turns out that secret childhood hack wasn't much of a secret after all. my mum confessed to doing the exact same thing decades ago when she was younger, and a quick internet search shows that apparently its a pretty common bad habit/funny memory shared among people here. rite of passage. doesn't lessen my guilt though!

so here i am, exposing my baby crimes to the world, and holding myself accountable by making ixora-inspired concept art lol. sorry to these cultural icons my bad queens

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speaking of school, here's another nostalgic memory: the ice cream uncle.

this wasn't just a singular guy, but rather a League of Guys, with one common goal: make a quick buck from oblivious kids who, once again, were enthralled by the power of gluttony's grasp, and would pay anything for a taste of the nectarous after-school treat.

no guilt here though, was worth every cent.

they always had a diverse selection of goods: ice cream in cones, ice cream in cups, classic ice pops on a stick... but once in a while, we get what is essentially the local version of freezer pops. we call them 'ais krim malaysia', and under the burning sun they were a MESS to deal with. if you weren't devouring your icicle within 5 minutes of purchase, you'd be going home with a sticky bag of juice and a stained school uniform. and yet, i've never seen a kid walk away from an ice cream uncle without a smile on their face.

nowadays, ice cream uncles are an endangered species. big name brands and their store empires are chasing local vendors out of their niche. not to mention the hardships they face under increasingly abnormal weather patterns. plus, even if they did make a comeback, there's the issue of all that plastic waste. which brings me to...

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this concept art i made! (yeah we're finally getting to it!)

once again, i'm partnering 2 very loosely related pieces of my cultural backstory, with a sustainable twist. in my ideal solarpunk city, we're bringing street-side popsicles back into style, and packaging them in biodegradable membranes. in fact, our local favourite seaweed gelatin — agar-agar (the name originated here!) — is already being used for this sort of technology.

the pops also come with a reusable cone in the shape of an ixora flower. this way, we can still keep the tradition of getting a sugar rush from within its petals, without. y'know. stealing the primary food source away from native bugs who depend on it 💀

the umbrella could serve a function too... maybe the buds that make up the ends of its wire frame could glow in the dark? that'd look cool. oh and i did draw a classic motorbike here for the nostalgia factor, but let's pretend its an old model that got modded to run on renewable energy instead!

in terms of fashion... i highlighted parts of the outfits that are ixora inspired, including the shirt and bandana made from batik, a dyeing technique invented in our region. some other solarpunk aspects include a photovoltaic wide-brimmed hat, a layered frankenstein dress, and that... apron-skort thing that i made up on the spot. and that weird shirt. people in this city just like chopping up and swapping fabrics i guess!

so do u guys like pothony c:

[megismyname]

I've been curious why you haven't been doing your 'lives' lately, and really kinda wanting them. The few that you had, brought me a sense of comfort. But tonight, I ventured onto another person's live, and saw that they were having to constantly dodge comments from trolls.

I don't know if everyone feels this way, but I feel we are in a good place right now. We have been given beautiful, chess playing, crumbs recently from Nicola and her 'Team'. Even with the minor setbacks, everything is still good.

So just want to say that I get why you haven't been doing your lives, is because you don't want to let the negative spoil the positive message we've been given.

Hi there!

Short answer: I've been having a phase of being "over" Tiktok.

Longer answer: I am not a person who holds their tongue very well. I speak my mind and I tell people what I think about them when they are in the wrong. There are quite a few "larger" creators in this fandom who were taking it upon themselves to "educate" the fandom and become the moral police. Now to be fair, I am now blocked by most of them so my life is pretty blissful but it doesn't mean their toxic ramifications do not trickle down.

I find it very important to let you know that I am not afraid of trolls or toxic people and I will not cower to them. These are insecure people on the internet who are typically hiding behind the face of a celebrity - around here that's usually Nic - and that empowers them to speak the way they do. I guarantee if you met them on the street, they wouldn't say 75% of the stuff to your face.

Now I also need to say that I needed a break from TT lives because the fandom was exhausting me. This is not aimed at you Anon as I don't even know who you are. I am not a spiral-er because frankly there is nothing to spiral about. In the end, none of this affects my life personally. And as for those background characters, I don't give two craps about them. But there are a lot of you out there who just can't stop yourselves and my inbox was OVERFLOWING with people who needed their hands held and reassurance. After multiple N&J sightings in October, I just couldn't do it anymore. It is not my job to hold everyone's hand through this or tell you what to think and feel and I'm sorry if that offends anyone. We are all adults and we all need to find a way to manage our emotions and if you're going to break down over every little thing then you might need to step back and take a break.

That being said, I do plan on doing a live again one day soon as I know there are alot people who just want to be on there and laugh at silly shit and I'm always down for that. I just needed the fandom to break through a lot of this bullshit first.

[celticcrossanon]

BRF Reading - 20th of November, 2024

This is speculation only

Cards drawn on the 20th of November, 2024

Question: Is King Charles stopping the British media from reporting on Meghan's 'pregnancies'?

Note: I have a very hard time believing what I am getting from the cards. I want to revisit this in a week or so and just check my results, so be aware that this answer could change.

Interpretation: Yes

Card One: The Six of Pentacles

This is the card of charity, of giving and receiving material help, of generosity, community, and support. The energy here is of someone asking and receiving a favour from those in power - getting something that is of benefit to them in return for future benefits to those that granted the request.

I think that this is King Charles asking the British press not to go public with what they know about Meghan's 'pregnancies', in return for future favours from The King - I feel like those are more media access to certain events or more interviews or something like that. There is a sense of a time limit on the favour, as if the media has said OK we will hold off until this date or this event or for x number of years but not beyond that. I'm not getting legal energy, although that could be involved, but this card is speaking of a quid pro quo arrangement - a 'you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours' sort of thing. Pentacles is the suit of material wealth and status, so maybe some honours have been promised? I can't think of what else might be involved in this arrangement. I don't think it is so obvious as handing over x amount of money to do y, it feels more informal? gentleman's agreement? less obvious and traceable? than that.

Card Two: The Sun

The Sun upright is a 'yes' card in the tarot, so this could be a 'yes' to my question.

Usually I get 'favoured child' energy from the Sun card, but this time I'm not. Instead I am getting regal energy - kingly energy.

I keep hearing 'Le roi est mort, vive le roi !' in French, with the strong association of The King to the Sun. I'm thinking of King Louis XIV, the Sun King, and how he believed himself to be the direct representative of God on earth and as such he had a divine right to wield the power of the monarchy, and how he deliberately chose the Sun as his symbol to convey this association - an infallible Sun-King - and I'm reminded that King Charles is also said to believe in the divine right of Kings.

So maybe King Charles sees it as his right to stop the news about Meghan's pregnancies being released in the press? The energy of this card is of a King who believes that he is entitled to ?privileges that other people don't have? It's hard to put into words - a Sun King, someone who is above the law, who sees everything he does as right because he is the anointed king - it is that sort of thinking that is behind this agreement. I keep wanting to write 'interference' or 'deliberately blocking of bad news' but I can't because the energy is of someone who doesn't see his actions that way - it is someone who sees his actions as the right thing to do and not harmful or destructive or hurtful in any way. They are 100% convinced that they are right and therefore whatever they do is also right. It's an alien mindscape to me and one I find very hard to express clearly.

Card Three: The Hermit

This is the card for Prince Harry, and it is giving me Prince Harry energy. Here he is, in the dark, sheltering behind the fire and heat of the Sun his father. If The King is doing this (and I still want to check to make sure I am not misinterpreting things), then he is doing it to protect Harry, not Meghan. He is hoping that Harry will learn some wisdom from this and that the affair can be covered up or dealt with privately so Harry will not be impacted by this in the future.

Underlying Energy: The Page of Swords in Reverse

Pages are communication and messages. Swords is an air suit, so communication through the air, i.e. the internet, the radio etc. The Page of Swords can be an immature communication energy, so more gossip and celebrity news than serious stuff, particularly malicious or petty gossip, and that fits the news about Meghan's pregnancies.

The card is in the reverse, so the news is stopped, halted, can't get out for some reason.

Having this as an underlying energy confirms that stopping some news from spreading is the reason behind the actions in the reading.

Conclusion:

As much as I don't want to believe it, it looks like The King has entered into some sort of agreement with the press to stop the news about Meghan's pregnancies coming out, an agreement that feels like it has an expiry date and one that is based on an exchange of favours, although I'm not sure what the newspapers get out of this. The King is doing this to protect Harry, not Meghan, and there is a sense of hope that Harry will learn from this experience (my comment is hope springs eternal, even when it has never happened before). The energy os that The King doesn't think that he is doing anything bad or shady by making this agreement, instead he thinks it is right ??because he is doing it?? or because he thinks that he is right and therefore his actions are right as well - it's a hard energy for me to comprehend and express.

I will be revisiting this question and checking to see if this is right, as I find it hard to believe that The King would go this far in protecting his son.

[rin-sa]

What if your feelings have faded? Or is it just your imagination?

Reader × Aventurine NSFW!!!

Warning: Cheating, obsession(?), nsfw.

Attention, I am a Russian-speaking writer and I use Russian in my works. The entire text in English is written with the help of a translator. Guys who don't know Russian, you can read my work with the help of a translator, or this version is in English.

Thanks for your attention!

Love is... it's such shit, right?

Aventurine… Your boyfriend, your lover, and soon to be your husband. But did you want this? Did you love him as much as he did? The short answer is No. Your feelings have long since faded for him. At least that's what you thought.

He loved you and appreciated you, respected you and exalted you as his talisman. You were everything to him and he would do anything for you. However, you, in turn, treated him the other way around. You couldn't calmly accept such a life, and the very thought that you would have to marry him in the future made you sick. Your stomach was twisting so much that you were ready to empty the contents of your stomach right on the spot. The only strange thing is that no matter what, you still stayed by his side. Were you afraid of being alone? Or did his money work that way on you? Who knows you…

One evening Aventurine was going to go to the casino again. He had never taken you with him before. He thought it was too dangerous, that men would stare at you, and a lot of other similar thoughts visited him. Surprisingly, this time you somehow managed to persuade him, teasing his nature and trying to please him, if only you would have this unfortunate opportunity to ... escape? You had no other reason. The casino is not a place you've ever liked at all.

In the end, everything ended wonderfully, at least that's what you thought. It seemed to you that while Aventurine was very passionate about his game with some men, this was an amazing chance to start acting. As if he won't notice your actions. You blindly believed that the guy wouldn't be watching you wherever you were.

He was clearly embarrassed by your sweet conversation with a stranger. The way you smiled at him, the way you slipped him a piece of paper with your number and a short message “SOS”, the way you laughed next to this bastard… You didn't even mind any tactility with him! Have you forgotten that you're already busy? Or rather, you didn't think so. Aventurine was annoyed to watch this, but he did nothing about the situation, but only remained in the role of an observer. He'll keep a close eye on you, on your insolence, and he'll remember everything exactly. And most likely he'll use it against you later, but that's not for sure.

That's right, you take this lightly and assume that your stupid and ridiculous plan to gain the trust of a stranger, and then ask for help, is the right decision. Do you naively think that someone will help you? Why is Aventurine not your love and you are diligently trying to escape.

" - What nonsense..." he whispered softly, returning to the game.

A grin shone on his face again, he is about to win another victory, and then he will come to you.

As time goes on, you will never contact that stranger from the casino again. You will continue to correspond with him calmly and with a slight smile on your innocent face and meet from time to time. No matter how shameful it is, but you are deliberately cheating on Aventurine with that person. Of course, you are not happy with such a tactless act on your own. But what can be done? You just want Aventurine to get behind you and leave you alone.

Aventurine himself did not lock you at home, did not forbid you to communicate on the Internet and so on, you had a minimum number of restrictions! After all, he sincerely loves you and wishes all the best to his beloved! And you've got several times more money, because the blonde spoils you. He didn't even forbid you to go to the casino with him after that incident! Still, he had some kind of obsession with you. Probably all this was done in order to instill in you the confidence that Aventurine is blind and does not see how you are cheating on him with some poor man behind his back.

Another business trip. He won't be home for at least a week, and then he'll be lucky. You've been practically out of the house all this time. You felt fresh and rested, as if you were a baby bird that had been locked up for a long time, and then they decided to open your cage and you flew out. And of course, taking advantage of this, you slept with another person. With someone who allows you to feel at ease. As you thought.

It's lovely. Monday evening. Aventurine is still not at home, which is why you assumed that he would be delayed on a business trip. Still, it's not easy. However, you don't care at all about what and how he is there. The main thing is that he is not there. With joy, you hurried to pick up all the things you need from your shared bedroom. You don't need a suitcase, it will only delay you. Now you are calmly taking all the money from the chest of drawers that Aventurine left for you just in case. Another half a million is on the card. Even if he blocks it, you still have plenty of money for a new life. Only by gaining support in the form of a person whom he “did not notice” Aventurine, you dared to run away from him.

And now, a wonderful moment appears. You took away all the most valuable things, when suddenly someone's hand falls on your waist. You scream and jump back into his arms, clearly not expecting this in any way. He catches you instantly, pressing your back against his chest.

- Well, where are we going at this late hour? – as usual, he grins, wrapping his other arm around your waist.

- Let go. I'm not going anywhere..." you snort irritably, turning your head somewhere to the side.

- Why are you lying to me, sweetheart… There was a man waiting for you under the windows and it would seem that you were in league with him. Isn't that right, honey? – he grabs you by the chin and in a rude manner lifts your head up so that you look at him.

Aventurine ignores your request and does not let go, but only presses your body closer to him. You don't say anything, which makes him amused.

- I won't let you go. - He mutters softly.

Abruptly, the man picks you up in his arms before, with the same surprise, he lets you go to the bed and looms over you. His knee is between your legs, propping you up.

- Is he better than me? And with what? Is there more money? Does she kiss better? By what? - he's worried, but he's trying not to worry about it, because he eliminated someone you could have gone with.

You are silent, which makes Aventurine a little indignant. And sighing heavily, he brings his face closer to yours, so close that only a few centimeters remain between you. You can feel his hot breath on your lips and that frown. He's so close… Before that, without your permission, a man did not allow himself any intimacy, but not now. It's like he's been replaced. And you don't mind.

- Explain it to me. I can't understand why you cheated on me. Worse, you also slept with him... - he kisses you gently on the lips, and then quickly pulls away. – And what's the matter with him… Was it pleasant for you? Ok? Why did you do this to him and not to me!? Do you think I'm not capable of that? I can prove the opposite to you right here and now. – he continues, and his chest is already touching yours and you feel the warmth of his body through your clothes, while his lips build a trail of kisses to your neck, to your collarbones, leaving a wet trail behind. He's waiting for an answer.

- I can't explain... - you answer modestly, biting your lip. His actions cause a storm of emotions in you. – I, I think we need to talk about our relationship.… My feelings have faded for you...

- It seems to you, my love. We'll talk about it, but after I prove that I'm better than your idiot and can meet all your needs. – you can feel his grumpy tone in the words about that stranger.

The man's face falls on your shoulders and a shudder suddenly runs through your body. He leaves faint bites on your delicate skin while his hands deftly crawl under your shirt and roam over the soft flesh, rising from your waist to your chest. His thumbs gently and gracefully traced circles, caressing you. In turn, you do not push it away, but on the contrary accept it as a whole and no longer hold back, your inhales and exhales become louder.

- Aventurine... - a soft moan escapes from your mouth with his name.

He grins, clearly pleased with the reaction. He was afraid that his caresses would not take you at all, but you showed a result that comforts him.

The man gets off you and sits between your legs, pressing his hips against yours, so much so that you can feel the pulsation in his groin. But what can I say, because she is excited to wet underwear. He carefully removes your trousers while you tremblingly undo the buttons of your shirt and lift your top, exposing your torso and chest. Aventurine nods, bringing his face closer to the inside of his thigh, where he leaves a series of kisses, leading his nose to the crotch. You can see the top of his head before he runs his tongue over his labia through his underwear. You feel this roughness, and then his burning breath and involuntarily shudder. You can feel the lubricant being released again. Your hands slide to his head, and your fingers play with the blond's hair, pulling at the roots and tangling his silk curls. From this, Aventurine groans and pushes aside the fabric of his underpants with his teeth. He burrows deeper between your thighs and continues to lick and kiss, tasting you. Delaying your pleasure, he enjoys the taste of your sweetness mixed with bitterness. You stupefy his mind like alcohol, making you sob and throw your head back, arching your back. He enjoys this view, your vulnerability and the pleasure you get.

Aventurine slips through the entrance to the vagina, which makes you pull his hair harder. It makes you hold back your moans, but it doesn't work out so well. There are still heavy breaths and exhalations. The man continues to be blissful of the situation, sucking on your swollen clitoris. In response, you just tighten your hips.

- Aventurine ... - you call him by name in a trembling voice, but he continues his actions, penetrating his tongue inside.

All the moans, sobs, the mention of his name – all this fills your bedroom. He likes that you're so wet and horny, and it's all because of him. He's the one who brought you to such pleasure and he doesn't plan to stop.

You're straining your hips more and more, clasping his head, because you feel the climax coming soon.

- Aventurine, stop… I am at such a pace, no, we are at such a pace... - still your trembling voice, which is interrupted by a man.

- It's too early to finish our process, dear. – when he heard your confession, he chuckled.

The way he calls you brings you to an orgasm, unexpected and pleasant. You didn't come back to reality right away, clearly drowning in pleasure, clutching his head tightly while he licks his lips.

You can hear the strap plaque falling to the floor along with your and his other clothes, rustling, cracking, a condom being put on… All this time you're lying and whining, instantly returning back to the real world. Even if it's not for long, you feel an unpleasant emptiness afterwards. But this fleeting emptiness lasted for a couple of seconds, as the head of the man's penis smoothly plunges into the vagina, a loud moan escapes from both of them. You accept it by wrapping your legs around Aventurine's waist and clinging to him. You can feel them pushing into your tight walls and stretching them.

Aventurine is unable to waste time, enters all the way, feeling how your soft and warm walls are strongly compressed around him, how everything is pulsating… Your mind seems to be in a fog, you arch your back again, throw your head back, grab the sheets tightly, digging your nails in. In a daze, you look at a man who, like you, is lost in a wave of pleasure and satisfaction…

Aventurine increases the pace, bringing the two of you closer to orgasm. His penis grows right inside you, the condom irritates the vagina at times, but you don't care. You both really want to get everything, but you don't have the courage to tell him to his face, and he, in turn, is doing it right now with you.

When the last few thrusts are left behind, the man lies down next to you, hugging you tightly around the waist and resting his face against your neck. He takes his breath away, thus drowning out his moans mixed with sobs and whining. You reach out to hug him with one hand, forcing your limp body to somehow get back to normal, because you are still trembling from recent caresses.

- I Was... wrong. – you whisper, making Aventurine suddenly raise his head.

- In what way? – he asks, interested in your words.

- That I don't love you. I figured out my feelings... - to which you get a grin and a kiss on the lips, which you reciprocate and with the same passion and sweetness in succession as he does.

You are lying in an embrace and sleeping, sticky and sweaty, but most importantly loving and accepting of each other. I didn't have enough strength to go to the shower, but in the morning you will definitely go to take a bath together.

You will still have a conversation about your feelings and your betrayal, but that's later. There is a time for everything. Perhaps staying with Aventurine is not so bad? His little obsession with you is not a big hindrance.…

[stripedstarsblueflags]

Am i the only one who's kinda insulted colapinto immediately insults logan after he crashs the car or am i reading to much into it like?????? Why are you insulting the guy who was so nice to you? And if ur not insulting him then why are you joking abouy his crashes like there funny????

Here’s what I have to say about Franco:

I definitely spent too much time on this, but receiving this ask absolutely BEWILDERED me so I went on an internet spiral to find what on earth it could be referring to before I found it. X, Instagram, Williams App, Motorsport.com. I looked everywhere for any sort of comment or criticism that could be called an “insult” from Franco and he hasn’t made any sort of statement, on socials or interviews, about Logan at all. Which, considering the media/PR hellscape Williams has now roped him into, is definitely for the best.

What I think you meant– I think– was Franco’s radio message right after he hit the barrier. An apology. “Sorry about that, guys.” Now this is where I guarantee you, you are reading too far into it. Drivers are well aware of the consequences of damaging their cars, especially at the beginning of a race weekend. Especially when the whole world is watching with as much ridicule and scrutiny as Williams is receiving now. They know how much the damage costs. They know their teams don’t have bottomless resources. They know that they’re not the ones who are going to have hours or days worth of nonstop work to do to clean up their mess.

Crashing is shameful. It’s embarrassing. It’s like throwing up on someone’s favorite shirt and then watching them hand wash it. Drivers apologize on the radio after crashing more often than not, even in different tones/wording. Logan did not invent dejection, he did not invent self-loathing apologies, he didn’t invent apologizing on the radio after a driver-error impact.

I’m a huge Logan Sargeant stan. The August 27th news hit me like a battering ram in the chest and I’m still in the process of catching my breath. I get that it’s so easy to have a natural, almost overeager resentment for his replacement. The fact that Franco’s media personality, the costumes they put on and stick to throughout their careers to make themselves likeable and recognizable, is so opposite from Logan. Cocky, confident, smooth-talker, upbeat.

But he isn’t in charge of his own image, even, none of them are. He’s walking on eggshells because he’s going to be met with backlash and hate from ex-Williams fans, Logan fans, people who think he can’t be good as a rookie, people who love to underestimate him. He doesn’t have an inch of room to make some kind of public image mistake. Also, he’s not even 25? I still consider that a kid. He’s a kid, he’s learning, he’s gonna be reckless and ambitious and trip over some hurdles trying to navigate the monstrous traveling circus of F1 for the brief time he has.

Also, speaking of mistakes– because Logan, the driver he’s replacing due to James Vowles’ erratic leadership, was famous for crashes and not much else– Franco knows that he can’t afford to show any similarity to that sort of pattern or else he’ll be finished. He’ll be a laughing stock, a mistake, a disappointment, another reason to shout, “Why would you do this?!” to Williams as a whole. Just like Alex, his performance on track has to do more than just carry them forward in the championship– they need something shiny and sparkly and impressive just to cover up the horseshit back in the garage. What happens to Franco if he fails to meet that standard?

He gets maybe one crash. One crash to burn. A single crash could be rookie error, overexcitement, getting used to a new track, any number of excusable mishaps. Anything else? He’s history. And before his second race out of his Formula 1 debut, he’s burned straight through it.

Just because he comes across as optimistic, proud of himself, excited, ready to race onscreen doesn’t mean that everything’s totally fine behind his yes. He’s under enormous pressure. Monumental stakes are weighing on his performance as an F2 rookie, as an F1 rookie, in someone else’s car, for the last third of an already-in-progress season. This could be his only chance to make an impact, to show his talent. And Williams have made that as difficult as it could be for him. Which they’re good at.

Just because Franco is performing better than Logan doesn’t mean he’s a participant in the insidious nightmare that is Williams management right now. He’s just a young driver they could have thrown into the wrong car at the wrong time. Sound familiar?

tl;dr I will defend Franco Colapinto as a temporary Williams driver and support Logan Sargeant as a survivor of abuse and those two things can exist at the same time

[marjoch]

YOU’VE GOT MAIL

a jayvik au!

early updates on ao3 @ josmarch

CHAPTER THREE!!

Christmas came and went. Jayce spent the holiday home with Mel, who hosted her mother in town for two nights. Mel insisted on redecorating the guest bedroom just beforehand, so Jayce had been in charge of putting together the furniture, and therefore he was behind on his project.

It was harder to keep up with AIM while the festivities were going on, but Jayce did his best to sneak away in the evenings and continue the ongoing conversation with Tinkerman. Things went back to normal by Monday. While Mel was working late, Jayce was on AIM.

I hope your holiday season is going well. It has been hectic on my end, but I have missed our conversations. NY1972

Tinkerman was on the computer, because a message came through shortly after.

It’s been the same for me, and I have also missed our conversations. Do you have any New Year’s resolutions? Tinkerman

I hope I can achieve some of my goals this coming year. I have a lot of potential growth, if I utilize it. I’ve got a great opportunity that I can’t let slip through my fingers. As much as New York gets on my nerves, I am not going back to Seattle. What about you? NY1972

I find I have a hard time speaking my mind. It has always been easier to be passive, but I know I could lose my business if I don’t stand my ground. Tinkerman

Jayce read over the messages, and thought of what to say. He never had a problem with assertiveness — he was confident in his beliefs, and he would defend both those he cared for and himself the same.

I think I speak my mind too much. Maybe I can give you some of my ability, and you can say whatever you like, and I can keep quiet when it would benefit me. NY1972

Tell me how to make the trade, and I’m there. Tinkerman

The wording made Jayce ponder once more who this internet stranger was. Jayce decided to test the waters of their growing friendship, holding his breath as he typed and barely breathing after it was sent.

Would you want to meet? NY1972

On the other side of the screen, Viktor was at the computer in his living room. He immediately closed the chat window, staring at the now-blank computer background. He stood up and went to feed Rain, giving her pets in response to her rubbing up against his legs. Then he took a deep breath, went back to the computer, and logged back into AIM.

When are you free? Tinkerman

With effort, he was up again. He leaned on his cane as he looking through the bookshelf on the opposite wall, as if a new book would appear and stand out beyond the others.

The notification came through. He didn’t even sit down, peering down at the screen.

I could do tomorrow evening. 6pm? You pick the place. NY1972

Like it or not, Viktor’s stomach turned, and not in a negative way. He’d never felt like this before, and he certainly didn’t expect it over an internet stranger. He lowered himself back into his chair, thinking. Too much time had passed before he had a coherent response, but he figured it was better late than never.

6pm is great. There’s a local coffee shop I like, I’ll send you the address. Tinkerman

He followed up the message with the address to the coffee shop, and waited idly for a response. When he didn’t get an answer, he logged out of the chat and pushed down his feeling of disappointment. He spent the rest of the evening going over his research, constantly working despite his need for rest.

In the Upper West Side, Jayce was already in bed next to Mel, having sent his final message before she came in through the door. He felt bad being on the computer around her, and he was still trying to decide if it was a general respect for her presence or some sort of guilt for the feelings he couldn’t deny. He found it hard to sleep, so he poured himself extra coffee in the morning, rising before Mel had already left. He never saw her these days.

He had the news on in the morning, playing from the kitchen as he got dressed for work. He could faintly hear something about his father’s recent business successes in Seattle.

The address for the coffee shop Tinkerman chose was somewhere in Brooklyn. Jayce felt relieved, because it would ensure he could make it on time without worrying about crossing half of the city during rush hour. There was a second message waiting for him:

Heading to work early. I’m not sure if you got my message, but I’ll be there tonight. Bringing a red book so you know how to find me. Tinkerman

I’ll be there. NY1972

Viktor wouldn’t see the last message, because he was dutifully working away on his current project. He was stuck on the neuroscience aspect of it — he could make mobility devices all day every day, but if he didn’t know how to connect one’s brain to the structures, it was useless. At this point, he didn’t need more funding, he needed a better facility.

“Planning to take a break anytime soon?” came Sky’s voice from the office doorway. Viktor didn’t so much as look up.

“In a little bit,” he responded, oblivious to Sky’s concern.

“You’re not working at home again, are you?”

Viktor shrugged, still focused. Sky had grown used to his conversational indifference. When he was working, he was impossible to crack. “I can’t work tonight anyway, I’m going out.”

“Oh really?” Sky’s tone changed, curious. “Is it this man you’ve been talking to on instant messenger?”

“No,” said Viktor, too quickly. He realized his error and sighed, finally looking away from his work and turning to Sky. “Maybe.”

“Ooo, Viktor’s got a date,” said Sky in a sing-song voice.

“It’s just coffee, not a date,” said Viktor, rolling his eyes as he went back to his equations.

“Coffee in the evening? He must like you a lot.”

“He has a girlfriend, I’ve told you this.”

“So? Plenty of closeted gay men have girlfriends.”

“Thank you, Sky,” he said. “I’ll let you know if I need anything.”

She shrugged, still amused. “Alright then.” She turned and left the doorway, pulling the door almost-shut behind her, and going back to work at the counter.

Viktor continued to work steadfastly until closing time came. Sky was ready to leave at 5, but Viktor decided to hang back.

“The coffee shop is just a few minutes from here, I’ll just work until then.”

Sky sighed in exasperation. “Sounds like an excuse for you to fall asleep here again, ‘on accident’.” She used air quotes for emphasis. “You have to stop overworking yourself. It doesn’t do you any good.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” he said, shaking his head. Sky left with that prompt, and Viktor returned to his desk until it was time for him to pull on his coat, grab the red book, and head down the street.

6pm came and went, and Viktor sat at a table in view of the window. He saw many faces come and go, and wondered if each entering patron may be NY1972. He found himself becoming anxious over different possible outcomes. But what did any of them matter? He was an internet stranger.

Jayce was on time, palms sweating more than he would admit. He looked through the big window in front of the coffee shop, eyes searching for the red book that signified the presence of Tinkerman. He found it: on the table of a brunette man who was all too familiar.

Taken by surprise at the sight of Viktor, Jayce made the controversial split-second decision to continue hiding his identity as NY1972. That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to talk to Viktor, though.

Viktor had heard the bell on the front door ring. He looked up see none other than Jayce Talis, who seemed to be casually queueing to order. Viktor immediately opened his book and tried to hide behind, pretending to be interested in the pages. His act failed, because Jayce’s voice was close when he interrupted.

“Is anyone sitting here?” Jayce asked, hand on the back of the chair on the opposite side of Viktor’s table.

“Yes, actually—” began Viktor, but Jayce was already sitting down.

“I’ll just hang around until they get here.”

Viktor was annoyed. “I’m actually busy.”

“Busy reading a book?” Jayce said, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes,” responded Viktor, still feigning interest in the book. He flipped the page as if to prove his point, not making eye contact with Jayce, who took the book out of his hands and closed it. Viktor was visibly frustrated, taking it back and flipping through the pages. “You made me lose my place,” he huffed.

“Do you regularly come read at coffee shops at 6pm?”

“Do you regularly bother people who don’t enjoy being in your presence? Or am I special in that regard?”

Jayce scoffed. “What is it about my presence that you dislike?”

Viktor closed the book, and made direct eye contact with Jayce.

“I think you think you’re better than me. Maybe you think you’re better than everyone else. You act as if you’re owed something, but you’re new in town. You’re out of your league, and it’s bringing the rest of us down.”

Both of them sat in silence after that: Jayce stunned by the accusations, and Viktor finished with his explanation. When the silence was broken, it was by Jayce. “Alright then,” he said, standing up. He pushed his chair back in on his side of the table. “Good night.”

Nothing else from either of them before Jayce turned and left. Viktor remained at the shop for another hour, expectantly waiting, and left when they started to close.

Upon getting home, Viktor started up the computer. There had to have been a valid reason why NY1972 wasn’t there. Disappointingly, there was nothing waiting his return.

In the Upper West Side, Jayce was intercepted by his girlfriend, who was intent on having a serious conversation. During the course of this conversation, Mel explained that her job was taking away from their relationship, and she was planning to campaign for re-election. When she suggested they put their romance on hold, Jayce felt a surprising lack of disappointment, instead filled by a sense of freedom.

The next morning, Viktor went to work without logging into his computer. He was determined to focus today, because he had a growing list of tasks to complete before his invention progressed. He must have seemed different despite his attempts, because Sky sighed when she saw him.

“How did it go?” she asked, with obviously low expectations.

“It didn’t go,’” Viktor was monotonous as he unlocked the front door. Sky pushed it open and held it for him.

“He didn’t show up?” Sky said, sighing. “I’m sorry, Viktor.”

“It’s not a big deal. He’s just a stranger on the internet.” No efforts could make Sky believe him.

“Maybe he got into a car accident,” she offered. “Or maybe he got sick, and his internet went down, and he couldn’t message you.” She got out the duster and started cleaning the shelves. “Maybe he’s super ugly, and was scared to meet you because you’re hot.”

“He doesn’t know what I look like.” Viktor shook his head. “I’m going to work.”

The work day flew by. He spent the entirety of his time tirelessly researching. Sky insisted on locking The Shop up herself to ensure he went home and rested. He let her have the keys for the night, just to get her off his case.

When he got home, he spent time with Rain, and ate his first meal of the day. He couldn’t resist the urge to check AIM, despite his persistent frustration about last night. There was a message awaiting him, much to his surprise.

I’m sorry about last night. I’ve caught some sort of illness, and I didn’t want to spread it to you. I should have let you know, and for that, I apologize. I hope you don’t hate me for my absence. NY1972

Viktor felt relief. While a message would have been nice, he had feared NY1972 was done speaking to him. He typed out a response.

It happens. I hope you are feeling better today. Tinkerman

Jayce sensed the tension in the short response, and did his best to make up for it by continuing the conversation.

How have you been? Hopefully you are doing better than I am. NY1972

I’m as healthy as I can be. I think my New Year’s resolution is coming to fruition early. Yesterday, I was able to say exactly what I meant, and it didn’t feel like I expected. I think I much prefer keeping my thoughts to myself. Tinkerman

Assertiveness is a double-edged sword. You are very level-headed, from what I have gathered. You shouldn’t feel bad, I’m sure whoever it was deserved it. NY1972

That made Viktor feel better about his exchange with Jayce last night. It was nice to have someone on his side for once. He appreciated Sky, but she was about all he had before this internet stranger.

I have work to finish, but I’m glad to hear from you. I must admit your absence caused me to wonder if you wanted to continue messaging. Tinkerman

Working late proves you are as dedicated as I have imagined. Best of luck, and let me know if you need anything. NY1972

Viktor logged out of AIM, then. He spent the rest of his night doing just as said, falling asleep at the dining room table with his work littered about the table. He dreamt of Jayce Talis again, except this time Jayce was on the other side of the computer screen. When he woke up to Rain purring and nudging his hand for her breakfast, he couldn’t put the thought out of his mind.

[xxspirit]

Hello, my name is Moon. And I'm asking you to spread the word of KOSA (Kids online 'safety' act) an awful, deceiving bill that will censor you, me, minors, and adults online alike.

How the bill works will cause social media to change in a horrible way. It will make it to where you must upload your ID publicly to prove you're old enough to view 'explicit' content.

In reality, that content is LGBTQ+ resources for abuse victims, resources for abortion, resources for Palestinians, resources for sex ED, and more.

It will censor us, destory fanfiction, WHATS NEXT? Uploading private messages? Putting your IP in public?

It will end Tumblr, Fanfics, privacy.

PLEASE HELP END IT! Speak out! Stop them, reblog as much as possible! #EndKosa

Hi, I appreciate you for helping to stop KOSA and helping people understand what KOSA is, and I agree with you that KOSA is terrible.

BUT we need to take a step back, and calm down. I know lots of people are freaking out about this act right now, I am too. But I think a lot of the chaos behind it is because of misinformation as well, specifically about the whole IDs.

Just a warning v

I want to clarify to anyone if they are just skimming past my words that I am NOT ADVOCATING FOR KOSA, I hate KOSA, this act is definitely not to defend minors from the internet but instead HARM them even more as well as EVERYONE ELSE. I just think we are causing a lot of panic and chaos because of misinformation.

I just want to help calm people down, I tried to do my own research and tried to fact-check myself to make sure what Im saying is true, but if you know I said something wrong please let me know and I am so sorry if I misspoke, I will correct myself as soon as possible. 🙏

KOSA DOESNT REQUIRE A PERSONAL ID: I did my own research about the need of uploading a personal ID, but this doesn’t seem to be true. I will be reblogging a few things today that I found, and also this website for my evidence:

KOSA still needs to go through congress, and then the President. Although it may or already have passed through the Senate sadly, there is still another chance. So keep up with the rallying and keep giving attention to KOSA about how stupid it is! WE CAN STILL STOP KOSA!!! DO NOT GIVE UP!!

Even IF KOSA does pass… it will take MONTHS for the act to go into action. I found this screenshot from another person, I’ll be reblogging their post after this one:

It will take a ONE YEAR and SIX MONTHS(A YEAR AND A HALF)before KOSA actually starts being implemented. In that time, we can think of what to do, migrate if we have to, or whatever.

Also- know this doesn’t help tumblr but I also saw on another post which ill reblog, that potentially Ao3 won’t be affected, which may be nice for some of you to know.

Here’s a petition I found, I recommend signing it!

It is so awesome to see the community work together to help stop KOSA, but let’s make sure to be checking our sources and try not to spread things that don’t seem to be accurate! 🙏

Stay safe guys, and stay strong 💪

[elliespuns]

How do you feel about everyone going nuts on TLOU fans for not posting about Palenstine on their blog or participating in the strike? Personally, I think they look extremely dumb because not posting about a video game isn’t going to save any lives and bullying people on the internet doesn’t help anyone either. I was just curious.

I'm talking about it more in detail in this (post).

I keep getting hateful messages where people call me a zionist because I don't share politics on this blog. I don't take it personally because the people know nothing about me. They don't know that I am on other social media sites where I am open to talking about it. People hiding behind anon ask and attacking me can't really get me bothered.

I made this blog to connect with people who love TLOU despite the creator's personal life (I really don't give a flying fuck about Druckmann; if he's a piece of shit, then he's a piece of shit). We don't love Neil Druckmann; we love what he once created. It is not the same. People calling those who still enjoy the game zionists is as if society still called the people who live in Germany nazis. I mean, c'mon. This is social media, we like the product of someone's mind. We don't love or support the bad side of the conflict by fangirling about characters that don't even exist in real life. It's completely harmless, and I am not here to post politics. I've said it too many times already.

Not speaking about something publicly doesn't mean you support evil. People should realize that not everything is about sharing everything online. I am with Palestine in my heart and in my thoughts. Me saying those things out loud on a blog dedicated to TLOU would be completely useless because everyone involved in this fandom already knows how things are. Sharing about the conflict here would be like sharing facts about alcohol being bad for you at AA meetings.

[butchriptide]

I think Peril and Winter not getting a chance to interact more on friendly terms is one of the many crimes that arc 2, even if, in all fairness, I feel that Peril's POV book/involvement would've been more suitable to some other point in the series.

Because they ARE foils to each other, in a way. They both play on a theme that crops up in a lot of characters of WOF, which is the way that types of trauma and abuse can shape a person and their worldview.

Peril is CONSTANTLY drawn back in by Scarlet through the repeated message of "I am the only person capable of loving you." She spends her entire childhood being gaslit (and I mean genuinely gaslit, not the meaningless twisting of the word that the internet has given it. The actual abuse tactic gaslit.) and manipulated by the only maternal role in her life to be so dependent on her. She's hailed as Scarlet's Champion and a monster alike. She's feared in a way not unlike how Scarlet is feared, but Peril didn't choose that. Her image and role in her society is specifically selected to further isolate her. It isolates her so severely that she is made to feel that she has no hope of integrating into society even IF and WHEN Scarlet disappears from the Skywing kingdom. She's instructed to burn up helpless eggs before she can SPEAK to plant these seeds into her as early as Scarlet can, both in Peril AND in the society which engages with her. Scarlet carves herself into Peril so that Peril is convinced that she can't live without her, and she DELIGHTS in having this kind of specific, all encompassing control over her. She WANTS Peril to stay, not out of any real love for her, but because she loves that she could do this to somebody at all. Peril is just like any other piece of her lavish, extravagant hoard; loved like something intended to be owned, to be possessed.

Winter, meanwhile, is made JUST as dependent on his family, but by opposite means. Winter being nothing to his family, being a constant disappointment to the people he loves, is something that is reinforced time and time again from a young age. He's a failure the moment he fails his first hunt. And thus, he becomes easy to scapegoat. Hailstorm isn't the perfect image of an Icewing in many respects from what we know of him before his capture; he's shown to be goofy, and his plan is what actively gets him and Winter in trouble, but he's still hailed as perfect. Not to say that Hailstorm's treatment was less damaging, we don't know what his relationship to their parents was like beyond reputation, but it showcases that these traits aren't seen as default flaws by Narwhal and Tundra. It's just that you have to be able to justify any deviation from the norm. Everything that deviates from the perfect, ethereal Icewing in Winter though, is something to be picked at, something to be shunned. Slow and obsessive and now the reason his perfect brother's gone. And failing his family doesn't just reflect on Winter, but it in turn reflects on his family, who he loves, within their society. He's made dependent on his family with the intangible promise that if he was just a little better, just a little tougher, just a little more like what they want of him, he could have that love returned to him, he could justify being the one who was left behind in their eyes.

I just think they're the products of very opposite but ultimately overlapping circumstances. Abuse as direct action versus abuse as neglect. Both dependent but in opposing ways; both convinced they can't live without their abuser, but one is convinced into believing she is literally, physically dependent on her abuser while the other is convinced that he is OBLIGATED to prove himself to his abusers, that to live is to justify himself in their eyes. "Champion" as a leash to keep her on and a warm light on the tundra skyline that's never possible to actually reach.

[asteral-feileacan]

☁️, 💌 and 🪐 please!

Thank you! :D

☁️ - What made you choose your username?

I love this one, and I finally get to drop my username lore! This is actually quite a bit of history, so buckle up.

As a child, I was obsessed with Lassie, which is something that not a lot of people seem to really know for some reason. Anyway, my Lassie is actually split between the 1994 and 2005 movies, although I only saw the 1994 version later in my childhood and grew up with the 2005 one.

This obsession was so much so that whenever little me played make-believe, I would call myself Lassie and, well, it just kind of stuck and wouldn't go away. So when I eventually joined the internet at a once-questionable age(which started out fine because I was only using educational sites, but I still ended up on Discord just under the age requirement a couple of years later XDD)

At this time, "Lassie" for some reason morphed into "Lasspeep" and "Lassie Peep" - I think this was because of my parents, but I have no idea why XD So those variations were my usernames as I started to use the big scary internet. Eventually I did drop "peep", but Lassie has such a chokehold on me that I still use it, especially on Discord.

Fast forward to about a year or two ago, and I was looking for a name with more oomph behind it for my profiles on Tumblr, AO3 and FF.net. I had been going by Kit-Kat-of-Midgard, which I didn't really like, and so I started trying out a lot of things - username generators, random word lists, etc, but nothing was clicking. Then in a stroke of inspiration, I decided to go back to my roots, as it were. I used to use Google Docs as a kind of social media before I joined Discord, and to differentiate between the people in the group, we all picked colours and fonts to type in. Mine was cornflower blue, and that led me straight to the cornflower. While I was on that topic, I found its family name, Asteraceae, and that piqued my interest, but it still wasn't quite right. When I kept reading, I came across the order Asterales, which IMMEDIATELY made me go, "yep, that's the one."

So I had the base, and at some point I shortened it to simply Asteral. I really loved that, but I also wanted a second part, to get a message across that showed more of who I am. This one was a LOT easier, I have to say. I'm Irish, so I decided I'd go for an Irish word, and the struggle was just to figure out what word that would be.

SO I grew up being brainwashed into loving the band a-ha(I still love them), and it was a known fact that my favourite song of theirs is Butterfly, Butterfly. So my brain gremlins picked up my last remaining braincell, and translated "Butterfly" into Irish, which Google Translate(I don't speak Irish, sorry) told me was "féileacán". So, boom. Asteral Féileacán. Unfortunately, for the most part, the sites I'm on don't allow me to include the fadas, so it shows as Feileacan instead. Rest assured that the correct way is lurking somewhere behind there! But that's the admittedly long-winded explanation behind my usernames and why they're connected by a string.

💌 - How many unread emails do you have right now?

Oh. Oh no. I have several email accounts... in total, I have 337 unread emails spread out across four different emails, though they're mostly from automatic mailing lists from YouTube or AO3. My professional email account is paid much more attention, so it has no unread emails. >:) Rest assured that I will now be clearing out all my emails.

🪐 - Name three good things going on in your life right now.

Aw, this one is sweet <3

Theatre. I'm having a lot of fun engaging in theatre for the first time in my life through King Lear - I know I won't shut up about it, but I'm honestly really excited, and rehearsals are honestly the highlight two days of my week.

My writing spark. Writing has become fun again, and because of that, I've been able to post what I'm working on with less fear. This is huge for me because I stopped posted for years, and even though I was still working on things, I wasn't working on them in a capacity that was satisfying to me. I'm doing much better now, and a lot happier with what I'm doing.

Being connected outside of the internet. I have to say that this past year('23, so far '24) has been amazing. I got the chance to meet people IRL and make friends, I've been changing my very hermit-like habits and getting out more, and while it hasn't always been easy and I'm still struggling a lot with numerous things, I think I'm in a better place than I would have been two years ago. <3

[empyllon]

"So maybe don't write that story"

cw for mentions of abuse

That's the advice Princess Carolyn gives to Diane when she faces writers block.

I've been rewatching BoJack once again to process. Some days I catch myself missing the past, but most are just days. It's like any other day moving forward, just without him.

I felt like I spent my past much like Pickles, wondering if I could trust my Mr Peanutbutter, but I peeled away the facade and found someone more like Horseman behind the layers. Someone cruel and spiteful.

I decided I didn't want to continue writing a story on uncertainty and lies. And I didn't feel the need to dig deeper for proof in the shallow grave of remains. Some cases are based on circumstantial evidence to the point they conclude, or as the saying goes: "If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, sounds like a duck... it's probably a duck".

Among pages of the internet, and sorrowful laments of "how could he?" lies no answer good enough for the why. Because he could was the answer, because he chose to. Occassionally, I do still take the blame for allowing him to do as he wanted to me, even when I told him to stop. Always feeling like I have to carry everyone's responsibility, even when I voiced my boundaries.

On days I catch myself thinking of imaginary alternatives of what-if, I look at receipts to keep myself levelheaded. I mapped out all the red flags to see like golf course markers, and decided to do better for myself. I know I cared a lot, but it wasn't mutual. No reasonable person would resort to abuse or manipulation to get their ways. Or ask for silence.

I don't hate him, I can't muster that care. But I hate how he hurt me in all these tiny little ways, like death by paper cuts. On days I'm sad and hurt, I'm still glad I left. Because I'd rather be alone, than spend time with someone who'd yell at me in vitriol over how horrible I am. I always wondered what I did to warrant periods with so much abuse I thought I was wrong, but I see now, it wasn't me.

Excusing it on any other factor than choice is pathetic, because it means you learnt nothing and you intend on repeating the offence.

That's what I hate with abusers, they cry crocodile tears when you uncover them, but as long as you are complicit, they will repeat the same cyclical shit over and over. They don't care, they never did. It's all about what you can offer them, everything is transactional with them. When you are no longer useful, you are discarded like a cigarette butt on the ground.

I fell for someone because I thought he cared. It's in the small things, like chocolate pancakes. I fell out of love because he stopped, like when he walked out on me at my most vulnerable moment and all I needed was a hug.

That's what I wanted to write about, how actions have consequences, and I sure the pot will call the kettle black, as is most cases where the battered party speaks up. But there are degrees in hell, and I think when you resort to lies and intimidation to keep your partner, that's when it's red card.

I've been working on art for an exhibit on domestic violence. I'm going to be telling my story in a medium where I don't have to use words, only express my pain. Because it hurts, abuse hurts. It makes you think you are unlovable, even when you are not. I hope to bring that message to others. That they too are lovable.

[keefwho]

May 30 - 2024 Thursday

10:36pm

5/10

Last night I recorded a good morning voice message for DS because I felt like it. Doing small little things like that is important for me because usually I'd refrain in case its too silly or something. My prompt yesterday was "let your voice be heard" and I did, literally. Its a very small thing but the intent behind it is large.

This morning I took the dogs out and showered. I made a frozen breakfast sandwich for lunch but I cut up my own onions for it and applied some hot sauce. Usually I'd eat something with it to help it agree with my tummy but I figured I could without because I wanted to eat small meals today since I've been up a couple pounds. My body handled it okay it seems. I had watched a sorta beginner art course video that explained using large areas and then using ovals to define planes easily which is exactly what i've been doing on my own.

To warm up today, I filled in all the little space left on my sketch sheet with rough gestures. Then I finished a YCH edit, did a YCH for 57, and readied a couple commissions for next month.

After work I spent time before lunch contacting people, doing some chores, and tending to my patreon. It was a very productive hour. For lunch I made soup and a grilled cheese. I gave myself ample time to chill and take a break since I actually felt like I earned it. Unfortunately I didn't know what I wanted to chill with so I watched an unsatisfying stream. The guy I like watching lately has starting playing CS:GO and similar games which actually melt my brain to watch. It's soooooo boring.

I finished this Celestia AI redraw I was working on this afternoon and worked on this Zelda drawing I had on the backburner. I asked TK if she wanted to call but she wasn't up for it today so I joined BR's server vc even though it was empty. I really needed to socialize because so few people have been around lately in general. BT joined but he's kinda weird and info dumps about stuff. Also nearly pulled me into the drama he's in surrounding other server members that I know nothing about. I also worked on my pony avatar for an hour.

After work I left the VC to play Cities Skylines. I got a couple new mods that might be crashing the game so I think I'll remove them. Admittedly I barely planned on using them. I asked DS if she wanted to chill and we did. I played Cities for a bit until it crashed, trying to relax and just have fun instead of making it feel like a chore or exercise. I realize I should be opening google earth and looking up locations for inspiration. It usually makes it very fun but feels like "cheating" as stupid as that sounds. Its the kind of mindset I want to let go of for any game I play. Its just a GAME I am PLAYing. Anyways she put on the 4 current episodes of season 2 of Smiling Friends which was a blast. Then we watched highlights of Oneyplays roasting the Nostalgia Critic and I suggested we watch a video of his so I have better context of who he actually is. I've always heard about him but never watched him. Then we did our puzzles before she headed off to bed since she has to wake up extra early tomorrow. I looked back on our evening feeling bad that I was so mellow and uninteresting. Its because I don't have anything on my mind to talk about lately with anyone really. Like I haven't taken in any new information to use. Its also possible I'm not treating myself with enough respect to speak my mind. Maybe I'm just thinking about things I don't think are worth sharing. Or maybe it's okay to have nothing on my mind really so I can just enjoy whatever is happening.

I tried playing some Roblox but my internet was cutting out like 1 out of every 3 minutes. I joined BR's server where they were watching the old ninja turtles movie which they still are as I write this.

My parents got home today so I don't have to tend to the dogs anymore. I did very good work today which I'm proud of, I have no regrets about my work ethic today. I just hope I can get out of this social rut, I don't feel like Im building relationships at all.

[goddessxeffect]

I AM IS PLAYING ALL THE PARTS 2.0

Basically we start with the fact that future and past do not exist for Self (the true You) and the only "time" is the present moment, what Ego calls "now". This means that all experiences (that You have had or everything that Self is now and can be in the future) exist in Consciousness at this moment. That's the core message behind Neville's famous creation is finished. Still, the question that pops up is "If I know I'm Awareness how can certain things already exist if I don’t see them?"

If I want to have a pet, for example, and currently know or identify with an ego that does not have any pets then this does not mean that the experience of owning a pet does not already exist in consciousness. But what I don't have is that condition selected for my currently embodied ego, since we know that if I know myself to be something then I (ego) "see" it.

Simply put, You as Vanessa (= Self identified with that Ego) don’t have anything Vanessa doesn't see, so basically You lack because you’re aware of being Vanessa who is lacking. You don’t see the desires because you, Vanessa, doesn’t have them. If the Ego had them you'd see them.

So what really happens now when you experience that "others" have things or experiences that you don't but want to have? It's really easy. To remind you, all things already exist in consciousness. And I (Consciousness) contains all. I lacks nothing. Time and space are in I and not I in time. But if I decides to express itself as Vanessa then I is a person in time and space living in a world with a set of conditions in place, for example lack of xyz.This means that the things desired are there but not as an attribute or state of your ego, the character You currently identify with. Additionally, already explained here, "the desires or things" are visible in a sense as "others" in your (Egos) world show that quality or state that Ego currently wants to be or have e.g. you see a woman with the very pet that Ego wants.

"If something is not materliazed instantly as something ego sees, you’re materializing it instantly as desire (lack)" @realisophie

Your problem arises from identifying with an ego that currently does not acknowlegde or embody that quality as truth for itself. Your current ego then cannot accept that trait or state. It's like Groundhog Day. Again, this is just a misidentification with the ego, an illusion really, or ego's assumption that this quality or state is not belonging to you, that is, it is not visibly embodied in ego's life. Speaking in the name of Law of Assumption, this means that the assumptions of the ego override your very state of self, possession or source of all things. Because you identify yourself primarily with the ego, you fulfill this assumption more than your actual state, which includes everything. You are that powerful, imagine!

"When we say that there is nothing but you, it doesn't mean there is nothing but sora but instead we mean that there is nothing but self. sora, mora, lora are all projections of self created by mind. as self is all the objective reality that exists, sora and her minions dissipate or change once mind lets go of its limitations." @vesora

Nobody of you wants to listen to this, I get it, you are suffering and you want out asap but hear me out for one last time. You will go trough some time to actually understand the information given. All of you just skim trough those posts like it's nothing! Full disclosure, it took me pretty long to realize the true meaning of everything is a form of you, for example.

But as Neville said: "Faith is backed by understanding". By understanding you know! Your Ego will never just blindly trust something a teacher or any random person on the internet says, at least for most of you that's the case. This is something that has to be understood on your own or experienced to truly be believed. Sometimes it hits you when you reread something, sometimes it is just the same thing worded differently but I swear, you gonna believe what you experienced for sure.

I AM IS PLAYING ALL THE PARTS

A few weeks back, when I (thought that I) understood what Neville meant by that phrase I was, no shit, in rush hour traffic at a crowded train station with hundreds of people around me. Shortly before that, I had heard some audio recordings of him in the car, which may have triggered this epiphany. I recommend that, by the way.

And just when I was thinking about the fact that I haven't written or really dealt with the whole topic "There is no other but You (awareness)" for a really long time since this former revelation, I got this new thought or actually is it's much more than just a thought. I guess this time I really understood what "I AM is playing all the parts" means but let me explore.

You continue to fall for the illusion of being a person living in a world with things separate from them. There is nothing that exists. Only you do. Not his reality, not hers, only you(rs). @4dbarbie

Basically we start with the true fact that future and past do not exist and the only "time" is the present moment. This means that all experiences (that you have had or everything that you are now and can be in the future) exist in consciousness at this moment. But we all already know that, because that's the core message behind creation is finished.

If I want to have a pet, for example, and currently know or identify with an ego that does not have any pets then this does not mean that the experience of owning a pet does not already exist in consciousness. It has to or else Ego wouldn't or couldn't have the desire for it. But what I don't have is that condition selected for my currently embodied ego, since we know that if I know or believe something (of myself) then I (ego) "see" it.

So what really happens now when you experience that "others" have things or experiences that you don't but want to have? It's really easy. To remind you, all things already exist in consciousness. This means they are visible but not as an attribute or state of your ego, the character you currently identify with. They are visible in a sense as "others" in your (egos) environment show that quality or state that you currently want to embody e.g. you see a woman walking past 'you' with the very pet that ego wants.

Your problem arises from identifying with an ego that currently does not acknowlegde or embody that quality as truth for itself. Your current ego then cannot accept that trait or state, but because that experience already exists in consciousness (belongs to you), and everything has the same source (awareness) and is already being aware of, the trait or state is visible in the ego's life. Because you have already become aware of this quality or state, you are being it, you know it exists, therefore ego wants it.

It's like Groundhog Day. Again, this is just a misidentification with the ego, an illusion really, or ego's assumption that this quality or state is not belonging to you, that is, it is not visibly embodied in ego's life. Speaking in the name of Law of Assumption, this means that the assumptions of the ego override your very state of self, possession or source of all things. Because you identify yourself primarily with the ego, you fulfill this assumption more than your actual state, which includes everything. You are that powerful, imagine!

The world you are seeing now is just awareness appearing as form so if you are awareness at your core the desired reality (= desire, thing, experience, person/ego) you want is not seperate from you. The paradox: the more you try to make something happen "physically", the more you identify with ego.

I really hope this all makes sense! You know what you have to do now. Stop identifying with the ego. Stop pretending that there are things that aren't yours or qualities that aren't part of you. This is not the truth but just a distorted image created by You because You think you're the ego.

Ada, I know you're out there. I hope you are proud of your student, who has now become a teacher herself - especially in her own life. All of your students daily help to make this knowledge understandable and spread it, but all thanks to you!