#speaking from experience i spent like an entire year hauling around a laptop with an inflated battery until one of my mutuals posted

[mapsofnonexistentplaces]

this can also happen with laptop batteries and the indicator for that is if you cannot close the lid properly and it stays slightly agape when shut. you might also notice slight warping on the keyboard depending on the type of laptop you have.

this heavily depends on where you live but if your phone is still useable and only has a mild inflated battery you can just take it to get repaired and they’ll dispose of the old battery themselves. i know the country i used to live in when i had issues with batteries is very vague about waste disposal so many of these later steps aren’t translatable to everybody and if something has the possibility of exploding in your house it’s best to just toss it over to people who are more familiar with it

[rosiehunterwolf]

And the Walls Kept Tumbling Down

Prompts: Trust and Breakdown

Word Count: 3,706

Characters: Pixal and Lloyd

Timeline: right before season 8

Trigger Warnings: Mental Breakdown/Panic Attack, Lack of Self-Worth

Summary: Pixal has been Samurai X for awhile, now- a role that allows her to be herself, to be happy. But it’s also... incredibly lonely. Luckily, she’s not the only one alone- Lloyd has been left in the city while his friends go after Master Wu, and his presence is comforting. But as they struggle with a mysterious biker gang, Pixal can’t help feeling the want to be part of something more.

Link to read on FanFiction.Net:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13897921/1/And-the-Walls-Kept-Tumbling-Down

“Master Lloyd, maybe you should go get that checked at the hospital.”

“Pix, I’m fine, it’s just a scratch,” Lloyd mumbled through the gauze as he snapped it with his teeth, winding the last several inches around his forearm. “And I thought I told you to stop calling me that.”

“Why? You are our master now, aren’t you?”

Lloyd snorted, tentatively testing his arm as he moved it back and forth. “I’m no master. I can’t even keep our team together.”

Pixal stared at him, shocked. “We all agreed on this, Lloyd. It is the most efficient plan to find Master Wu.”

“Yeah, and whose plan was that?” Lloyd’s voice was suddenly sharp.

“I believe it was Zane’s, but-”

“Exactly! It was Zane’s plan, not mine. I did nothing. And now, they’re off searching for Master Wu, and I’m sitting here, doing nothing.”

An unfamiliar sensation squeezed at Pixal’s chest, one that felt hot and fierce and miserable all at the same time, before she had to remind herself that no, she didn’t have a body, didn’t have a chest to feel pain in, and that she was just speaking to Lloyd over the monitors.

At least, in the moment, she was.

“Zane trusted me to watch over this city,” she insisted, her voice unstable- which it shouldn’t be, she was a nindroid, not affected by such things- “He trusted us.”

Lloyd flinched visibly, looking away from the computer they were using to talk. “Pix, I didn’t mean- look, I’m sure Zane much would’ve rather had you come along with him, but instead you got stuck babysitting me.”

“Normally, I would object, but I think you’ve already proven your own point,” she commented, shooting a pointed glare at his bandaged arm.

Lloyd gritted his teeth, letting out a slow breath. “I get it, Pixal, I’ll be more careful next time.”

“A doctor’s visit couldn’t hurt, Lloyd.”

“Will you drop it already?”

She frowned. “I wish you wouldn’t grow cross with me, Master Lloyd. I am only trying to look out for you-”

Lloyd stood up sharply. “I get it, okay? I’m incompetant. You don’t need to keep calling me ‘master’ out of pity, I know I’ll never be able to live up to my unc- Master Wu.”

Pixal blinked at him, stunned. “Lloyd, I never-”

“Shut up! I don’t want to hear it!” And then he was reaching forward, slamming down the laptop’s lid, and Pixal’s world went dark.

He knew how much she hated that, when he turned her off or walked away without her consent, like she was some sort of object.

He hadn’t meant it- she had learned a lot about Lloyd in their past year alone together, and he often became impulsive when he was angry in order to cover up his sensitive, insecure side. It would probably only be a matter of hours before he came running back, apologizing repeatedly, and sobbing over what a horrible friend he was as Pixal patiently waited for him to calm down. But she had grown to like and respect Lloyd, and it still stung when he snapped at her, even though the logical part of her mind knew that it wasn’t really her that was the problem.

What bothered her even more so, though, was the things he said about himself. It had been abrupt, this time, but she hadn’t missed the times he had slipped it in more subtly into conversation. It made her angry, how he refused to appreciate himself.

And now, stuck in this stupid form, she couldn’t go after him.

Well. Technically, she could.

The Samurai X suit had been up and operational for a few months since her last major upgrade- the one that had finally given her her own, independent body, separate from just the mech itself.

But she was nervous to remove herself from the computer entirely. She was aware that she was so incredibly useful as a program, with instant access to all sorts of technology and data. She had become an asset to her team.

She liked feeling important, feeling like she was part of the group.

But being the samurai allowed her to physically be there. In these last few months, she felt like she had really grown to know and trust Lloyd- even if he didn’t know it was her beneath the samurai mask. She wanted to get to know the others fully, too- she was already fairly close to Zane, but she liked the rest of the team, too- Cole, Jay, Kai, and especially Nya, Pixal felt intrigued by. She had spent some time connecting similarities between them- there were a lot of differences, too, but she felt like they could be friends. A physical form would allow her to bond with them, like a human. She was well aware she wasn’t one, but she wanted to understand.

But she was afraid, too. Except for Zane, and maybe Lloyd, now, seeing the others again felt daunting. They had never been particularly close before she had been scrapped. What if they thought she was infringing on their team? The six of them had been close for so long. It would make sense if she wasn’t wanted there.

She just wasn’t ready, not yet. Communicating with Lloyd through the monitors would just have to do for now. It was difficult, though- it didn’t seem like he took her as seriously this way.

For now, though, they had bigger problems. Lloyd’s injury hadn’t been too severe, from what she could tell, and would heal quickly. But it had been a sizable wound, and could leave some pretty severe scarring, if he wasn’t careful with it- she knew he wouldn’t be, which was why she had to keep him in line- but the point was, these were no common thieves going around, dealing this kind of damage. This gang- whoever they were- were something bigger, more dangerous than their day-to-day threats. Pixal wasn’t sure if it was severe enough to start calling the others back- she didn’t want to interrupt their search for Master Wu. But she would certainly have to keep a closer eye on Lloyd from now on, to make sure he didn’t get in over his head.

She should probably start playing a more active role as Samurai X. Although the ninja had a tentative relationship with her mysterious persona, she wasn’t about to send Lloyd against this gang alone again.

She just hoped he would have her.

---

The next call came in much sooner than Pixal had anticipated. At the unappealing hour of four in the morning, Lloyd hauled himself out of bed and stumbled drearily out the door at Pixal’s report of a prison breach alarm coming from Kryptarium. With the rush, there was no time to talk to him, and the drive to the prison was awkward and silent.

When they arrived, it turned out the alarm had been triggered by accident. The good news was there were no criminals to stop, the bad news was that they had woken up at four am for no reason.

Not that Pixal particularly minded- sleep was inconsequential to a nindroid, but Lloyd was less than pleased.

“I mean, if you’re going to have an alarm system that immediately pages the city’s ninja team and makes them stop everything they’re doing to rush over there, it should at least be heavily guarded. How do you even accidentally set off an emergency alarm? I thought these guys were supposed to be professionals!”

Pixal stifled a laugh as he paused, taking a sip of the iced coffee he had picked up as they had headed back. He had told her, “If I’m already up and ready, I might as well spend some time in the city for a little while. Y’know, in case they trigger any other ‘alarms’ that I need to go rushing off to.”

“Perhaps they need a lesson from the ninja,” Pixal suggested.

“I’ll say,” he grumbled. “I don’t know how this city ever survived before we showed up.”

“Well, experience is the best teacher, and you guys have triggered enough traps and alarms to last a lifetime.”

“Wait, what?” Lloyd spluttered. “No, we haven’t! We’re highly trained ninja, we’re better than that.”

“Oh, really? I seem to remember quite a few in the Tournament of Elements, or the time with the technoblades, or when General Cryptor tracked you- shall I go on?”

“Shut up,” Lloyd snorted, trying to hide his grin. “You don’t know nothin’.”

“You’re right, I don’t. I was only with you for a short time before I was uploaded into Zane’s head, and after that, my view of your adventures was extremely limited. I can’t imagine how much more trouble you got into when I wasn’t there.”

“I hate you,” he said, attempting to scowl and failing miserably, the look on his face was too comedic for Pixal to bite back her laugh this time. It wasn’t long before Lloyd joined her, and soon, he was bent over, clutching his stomach, and he had to sit down for a moment to catch his breath. Pixal felt warm inside as she watched him take a long sip from his coffee. She enjoyed seeing him like this. He had been far too tense over the last few weeks, and she missed the more childlike, carefree side of him.

After a moment, though, the expression on his face fell solemn, and he turned to the tablet they were using to communicate to look her directly in the eyes. “Pix, I’m really sorry for yelling at you last night. I was being a brat.”

She paused carefully, both relieved and nervous that they were finally addressing this. “Lloyd, I know you were hurting. I am only trying to look out for you.”

He put his hands behind his head. “Yeah, I know, I need to work harder-”

“Lloyd,” she interrupted firmly. “That’s the other thing. I need you to stop saying things like that about yourself.”

He cocked his head at her. “Like what?”

Good grief, he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. “Talking down on yourself. I called you ‘master’ because that’s what you are now. You’ve earned this title, Lloyd. Just like you’ve earned everything else in your life, and more. It was not my intention to say you would take your uncle’s place, but say that you can be just as great of a leader as he was.”

Lloyd suddenly found the cracks in the concrete to be very interesting. “See, people keep saying that, but- it’s just so hard. I feel like I always mess everything up. Something always goes wrong, or worse, someone gets hurt-”

“Lloyd, you’re one person. You can’t expect to be successful all the time. You may be a ninja, yes, but your job is very difficult and dangerous, something most people wouldn’t even dream of tackling. You’re part of a team for a reason, and I’m sorry they’re not here right now, but until they return, you’re going to have to give yourself a little credit.”

Lloyd’s breathing hitched, and he scrubbed at his suspiciously wet eyes. His next words were so quiet, Pixal could barely hear them. “I just miss them. Everyone… everyone always leaves, and I’m tired of being alone all the time.”

Pixal was struggling to breathe herself- even though she was a nindroid, didn’t need to breathe- the sensation was still there.

She could remember when she had been alone too. Those nights after Zane had… had died, had been some of the worst times of her life. The emptiness had only made it sting worse, but when Lloyd had reached out to her, she had refused him.

She had been scared, scared to let anyone else into her life in case she lost them too, but now she realized that he had been hurting just as much as she had. She knew his friends had gone off on their own like she had, leaving him just as alone as the rest of them. She had been the cause of that, she had only hurt him more when he was already going through so much.

When she spoke again, it wasn’t just for the situation at present.

“I’m sorry, Lloyd. I’m so sorry.”

He looked up at the screen, his watery green eyes staring into hers, then raised an arm, his fingers ghosting the screen, before falling back to his side. He looked away, swallowing.

“What is it?”

“I just… I wish I could hug you. I wish you were here. Like, actually.”

“I am much more useful in the computer, Lloyd.”

“Yeah, but you’re not… you’re not here. I don’t care about how useful you are.”

Pixal let out a trembling breath, but Lloyd hardly seemed to notice, already beginning to stand up. “Sorry about being such a downer. I better get back to the Bounty, I’m sure the police have something for me to do.”

“Lloyd?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’ll be fine. I just… they’ll be back soon. I know they aren’t like… other people. They’re going to come back. And besides, until then, I’ve got you, right?” He gave her a shy smile.

Pixal froze. This was it. He was extending- a metaphorical- hand to her. Offering her to be part of something that she had been wanting for a long time.

But it felt wrong. She wasn’t a ninja. She wasn’t one of his teammates. What if she was assuming wrong? What if he wasn’t really asking that?

“I’m not one of the ninja, Lloyd. I can’t help you the way they can.”

“No, you’re whoever you want to be, Pix. But you’re still my friend.”

Friend. Pixal felt a sudden urge to correct him, to tell him he was mistaken. “I’m not part of your team. I… I can’t be.”

“Trust me, Pix- in every sense that matters- you are one of us.”

---

“Pixal, I need my car! Now!”

The nindroid’s voice came out slightly crackly from the radio. “Your coordinates, Master Lloyd?”

“I’m somewhere around… well, you know how to find me.”

The cable he was gripping onto slowed to a stop, then quickly began to swing back down. Squeezing his eyes shut, Lloyd prayed that Pixal knew what she was doing, and let go.

Air whipped past him as he fell freely, the fall feeling both agonizingly slow and alarmingly quick at the same time, but before he had time to question what the hell he was doing, a blur of green darted out from a nearby alleyway, and Lloyd fell into his car.

He quickly pulled himself up and took over the controls. “Impeccable timing, Pix! You’re getting good at that.”

“I have to do something while you’re busy fighting crime, don’t I?”

“Speaking of which…” Lloyd cut off, gritting his teeth as he wove in between cars on the busy street, chasing after the biker. “Who is this person? Anything you can tell me about them?”

“They appear to be affiliated with the same criminal biker gang we have been having trouble with over the last few weeks. I am afraid I cannot tell you anything other than that. They have been keeping a very low profile.”

“Well, whoever they are, they’re good. I’ll keep you posted.” Gritting his teeth, he pushed on the gas and shot through the streets after the mysterious biker. They were a skilled driver, but Lloyd wasn’t lacking in that department either, and soon, he had caught up to the biker. The person’s eyes glowed an eerie red through their mask, their expression emotionless, and Lloyd forced his gaze away for a moment to examine the object in the back of his bike- presumably the stolen item. It was a red mask, with an ugly, beast-like face patterned over the top, complete with a mouth of crooked, yellowing teeth, and deep, glowering eyes. It looked like nothing more than a costume. Lloyd wondered what they could possibly want with it.

Putting on another burst of speed, he pulled in front of the biker, making them screech to a halt to avoid a collision. The two of them stared each other down, only a short stretch of road between them.

The criminal revved his engine, and suddenly, was racing towards Lloyd. Lloyd began to do the same, and just when he thought the biker was about to hit him head-on, mechanical arms extended from the bike, driving into the road, and sending the biker flying over his head. Lloyd slammed to a halt and jumped out of the car, running over to the bridge as the biker went over the edge. He yanked something near his chest, and all of a sudden, a big sheet was billowing out from his back, gray and black and red-

Lloyd’s breath caught in his throat as the parachute unfolded fully, revealing the emblem of a face that Lloyd had never thought he would see again.

No, no, no. Lloyd stumbled back from the railing, his breath hitching in his chest as he tried desperately to draw it in. This doesn’t mean anything. Perhaps they just are a fan of Garmadon, it doesn’t mean he’s here-

But it wasn’t working. His body just wasn’t listening to him, his heart beating too fast, his breath trembling and shallow, and his head-

“Lloyd!” A voice came from seemingly out of nowhere, and in his panicked state, he couldn’t, he couldn’t-

“Lloyd, it’s Pixal. What’s happened, why aren’t you responding?”

Oh. It was Pixal, on… on the radio. With trembling fingers, he reached down and switched on his mic. “...Pix?”

“Lloyd, don’t scare me like that, what’s wrong?”

“Pixal… Pixal, I don’t know…” Oh gosh, he was spiraling, spiraling hard, panic swamped his brain as images of his father flashed before his eyes, first running off with the golden weapons, then trying to kill him when the Overlord had taken over, then when he had submerged under the ocean, down, down, down with the Preeminent-

No! Lloyd’s eyes snapped open, scattering the images. He couldn’t be thinking about this now, not- not when-

Oh gosh. His father couldn’t be involved with this gang, he couldn’t. He was gone, gone for good. He missed him, so, so much, but nothing with his father was ever that simple. Something always went wrong, and Lloyd was just beginning to get over his last death, he couldn’t- couldn’t live through the pain again-

“Lloyd, Lloyd listen to me, just try to breathe-”

He could barely hear her. His legs had stopped working, and he sunk to the ground, hugging his knees to his chest, trying to remember to breathe. The last thing he needed was to pass out from lack of oxygen.

He buried his face between his knees, gulping through the sobs. Dammit, why was he like this, he hadn’t had an episode this bad since Morro-

And now he was thinking about that part of his life, one he had so desperately hoped to forget- it had been years, why was still not over that, he had gotten good at suppressing those feelings long ago, but when he got like this, he couldn’t control anything-

He hated when he got like this, it was so terrifying, he just wanted to go home, he just wanted Kai to be here, why was he always all alone-

Suddenly, firm, cool arms were wrapping around him, pulling him close. Lloyd gasped, his eyes flying open sharply.

A pair of glowing green eyes stared back at him, shadowed with fear. “Hey,” she whispered, her metallic jaw moving with the words, “I’m here now. You’re going to be okay.”

He had lost it, he was hallucinating, how was- how was she here-

“Pixal?!”

“Yeah,” her voice was quiet, rubbing her fingers across his palm. “It’s me. I’m here.”

“How?”

“I’m Samurai X, Lloyd.”

“Oh.” Vaguely, a part of his mind told him he should be more surprised by that piece of information, but he was just tired. His mind was already on overdrive, he couldn’t afford to take in anything else.

“Lloyd.” Pixal’s voice was scared, and he realized he was trembling in her grip. “Please, what has happened to you?”

“It’s- it’s…” Lloyd gasped for breath. “My dad, he- the biker, he was- he had-” and those words alone were too much. Everything was breaking, splintering apart right in front of his eyes, and he clutched onto Pixal like she was his lifeline- in a way, she was. She felt different from Kai’s warm, soft touch- harder and cooler- but sturdier and stronger, too. And right now, Lloyd could use a bit of strength.

But most of all, she was here.

“Why did you tell me?” He managed to get out. “Out of everyone, you told me first? Not Zane?”

Pixal was silent for a moment. “I know what it’s like. I mean, not exactly- I can’t feel what you are feeling right now. But… feeling emotions has been hard. Draining. You, out of all people, seem to know that. But you’re still so strong through everything. I just… you helped me to see how to heal. How to get better.” She paused, looking down at her hands. “But I guess it doesn’t always work out that way. I figured it was about time I helped you back.”

He leaned his head into her lap, examining her long, silver fingers, brushing them gently. “I like you like this. You’re pretty.”

He wasn’t looking at her face, but he could almost feel her smile. “Thank you. I worked hard to make this. I wanted to make sure… that I was better, this time. I still have some modifications to make, but…”

Lloyd winced, feeling a pang of guilt. “I’m sorry I made you show me before you were ready.”

“Lloyd,” she said firmly. “This was my choice. Not yours.” She took one hand and turned his chin so their gazes met, green on green. “I trust you. I always have.”

Lloyd felt his lip tremble. “I-”

Pixal stopped him. “It’s okay, Lloyd. You don’t have to say it. I know.”

Lloyd curled into her side and wept.

[alittledizzy]

where the trees we planted grow rating: t word count: 2.3k Summary: Dan and Phil take a trip to Japan after the tour is over.  Notes: Written for my thirty minute fics for charity fundraiser to benefit PhandomGives. Special dedication: an early birthday present for Kamillester with lots of love, from D

[read on ao3]

Years ago, so many years ago that Dan was still a teenager and Phil still felt crushed under the weight of an uncertain future and his own inability to commit himself to doing what normal people are supposed to do when they finish uni, they spent the better part of a lazy spring day reading each other articles on Japan out loud and planning a holiday that seemed like a distant dream.

Phil remembers being stretched out on his bed with Dan, the both of them wearing only pants. He recalls how they’d pass the laptop back and forth when the bottom got too hot against their thighs, or when one of them had another flight of fancy they wanted to chase through a search engine. He remembers the lazy breaks for making out and how he’d watched videos on hot springs that showed fully naked people while Dan went to make them something for tea, and how he’d shown the videos to Dan when Dan got back, and how their food had grown cold while they worked each other up with a fantasy of hot rolling water and so much skin and endless possibility.

He stretches his legs out in front of him as far as they’ll go, listening to his knees pop. There’s a phantom ache to it that didn’t used to be there, from shoving his body into a too-small seat for hours and hours and hours.

“Hey,” Dan says, shifting beside him. There’s a divider between Dan’s seat and Phil’s, but only a half-partition. Phil wishes they could have gotten one of the ones that went all the way down, but he figures it’s probably best for sanitary conditions that most planes don’t allow for full body contact between two people on long haul flights. He doesn’t think he fancies imagining that someone fucked right where he sits.

He’ll have to tell that to Dan later, he thinks. For now he just looks over and meets Dan’s smile. “Hey.”

*

They leave their shoes in the lobby of the ryokan and trail being a polite woman who speaks fantastic English and doesn’t seem to judge Phil any of his stupid British questions.

Phil forgets it all almost immediately, and hopes that Dan remembers enough that they won’t embarrass themselves.

They drift apart once she’s gone, poking into different rooms. Phil’s had a lifetime of hotels in the past year, but everything about this feels less like a mandatory stopover and more like an experience.

“It’s got a control panel just like the last one,” Phil shouts out.

“Television in the mirror, though?” Dan shouts back. Phil taps his finger at the mirror. His reflection taps him back, but nothing else happens. “No,” he calls back.

He’s not that disappointed. The last one was impractical. You couldn’t even see it from the toilet.

“The view makes up for it,” Dan says. “Come look.”

 Dan’s already slid the glass door open and he’s standing on their small deck. There’s nothing but greenery all around, a fantastic garden laid out all around them.

Hakone is beautiful. They’d passed it up last time, too eager to plunge into the city and spend time with their friends, but this… this trip is just for them.

Phil looks down. “More sandals?”

Indoor slippers. Outdoor sandals.

“Yeah,” Dan says. His feet are slightly too long for the plastic ones he’s just put on. “There are wooden ones by the private bath, too.”

“Are they going to know if we don’t wear them all?” Phil asks.

Dan rolls his eyes. “Yes, Phil. I’m sure there’s a surcharge on the bill for going barefoot.”

“You don’t know,” Phil says. “There could be hidden cameras in the trees.”

He pauses and tries to imagine what they’d see if there were: him and Dan, standing with an arm’s width of space between them, staring out into the world.

*

Jetlag, the crispness of the air, the heat of the water, the sound of the birds around them.

Dan drifts off after just a few minutes, head tipped back against the ledge of the pool in an angle that looks uncomfortable. It makes his neck look very long. Everything about him looks long, the span of his arms from the tips of his fingers on one hand to the tips of his fingers on the other, where he’s got them draped along the side of the pool.

Phil stares his fill, because he’s allowed. He looks at Dan’s collarbones and the soft dark hair under his arms and the bruise on his bicep from trying to lift their bag over his head earlier, down and down to Dan’s nipples that are peaked hard in the air and his belly button with the water lapping just over it.

It’s been ten years and he’s not tired of that face. He’s not tired of that body. It doesn’t even occur to him that he might be until he hears someone express their awe.

Relationships last in Phil’s life. His mum and dad. His grandparents, all of them. What you forge together early in your life is built to endure.

They’re built to endure, Phil thinks.

He doesn’t need anyone else’s opinion to know it’s true.

*

Dinner is laid out on a table low to the ground.

Their chairs have no legs and Dan’s knees poke up knobby where he sits cross-legged. They’re too tall for the robes by a bit, but Phil’s at peace with knowing their attendant might get a cheeky flash of thigh or two.

“I never want to leave,” Dan says, tongue swiping out to catch a stray drop of miso soup.

“We could just stay,” Phil says. “That’d solve the problem.”

“Problem?” Dan asks. “Is it a problem now?”

“No,” Phil says. “Well, sort of. It’s a - thing. A thing we don’t know the answer to.”

Dan looks vaguely unhappy with that response, but he doesn’t argue. “Tomorrow, yeah? After we’ve slept?”

Phil’s not going to push it. Not when his belly is full and his heart is full and his body is so tired and he’s thinking of how soft the bed just one room away is. “Tomorrow,” he agrees.

*

But tomorrow brings sleep for half the day, and then a breakfast that’s much tastier than the descriptions might have looked on a menu, and then another long session in the private onsen.

“Seriously,” Dan says. He stretches out his legs so his toes poke up out of the water. “I could live here.”

“Bit pricey to live,” Phil says. “You might have to give up a jumper or two.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “You can’t just let me dream.”

Their knees knock together. The pool is small for two grown men, but proximity doesn’t particularly bother them.

Or does it?

It doesn’t right now, because nobody’s watching. There are no cameras in the trees. It’s just the two of them.

That’s what this entire trip is about - nobody watching. The videos are scheduled, the tweets are scheduled, the audience knows to level their expectations.

There’s nothing on their plates except each other and this conversation that they aren’t having yet.

*

On the third day they stand in a long line in the rain to get black sulfur eggs.

“Seven years,” Dan says.

“I’m going to have ten,” Phil says. “And I’ll live to be two hundred.”

“Seven times ten is seventy years,” Dan says. “Do you really think you’ll live to be one hundred and thirty without any help?”

“Yes,” Phil says immediately. “And you have to eat ten, too.”

“So you want me to be actually sick. That’s the memory you want me to take away from Mt. Fuji this time. How I was sick off black eggs.”

“No, I just want you to live as long as me,” Phil says.

They’re standing close together, crowded in by the throng of people all waiting for their eggs.

It’s so easy to slide his fingers into Dan’s.

Dan goes tense, but he looks at Phil with something sweet and surprised. “Really?”

Phil shrugs. No one is looking, he thinks.

But even if they are…

He’ll just call it a test run.

“Really,” Phil says.

He lets go as soon as they’re to the ordering window.

They each get one egg and stand by a long wooden table to eat them.

“Seven more years, yeah?” Dan holds his up,

Phil clinks the shell against his own. “Seven years.”

*

There’s a bottle of sake waiting to be cracked into.

“We could have sex?” Dan asks, but there’s a reason they haven’t yet. They’re both too distracted, too in their own heads.

But they only have two days left in Hakone. Then Tokyo, for friends and… maybe a celebration.

Maybe.

“Or we could talk,” Phil says.

Sex will come later. Once they’ve made up their minds.

“Fine, fine.” Dan sighs. He stands up, robe falling loosely on his body. Phil takes a moment to look. He’s gorgeous, really. He’s so gorgeous. “Bring the alcohol, though.”

*

“It won’t change anything,” is Dan’s opening bid.

“What do you mean?” Phil asks.

“We already get all the benefits, right? We live together. We’ve got shared investments. We’ve got a joint bank account. We’re committed.” Dan stares up. The stars are out now. “Why is a ceremony the end goal? Shouldn’t the life be the end goal? We’re going to have that no matter what.”

The pool around them is lit by flickering lanterns.

“It wouldn’t be the ‘end goal’ even if we did get married,” Phil argues. “The ceremony doesn’t mean anything. It’s just an acknowledgement of something we already know.”

“So you do want to?” Dan asks.

“I didn’t say that,” Phil says.

“Okay. Your turn, then,” Dan says.

“I think it would have benefits. We want-” Phil pauses. This is one of those things they know, but don’t say often. “We want kids, one day. It’ll be a easier to get them if we’re married.”

“Not really,” Dan says. “They can’t like, legally deny us. Married or not.”

“No, but. Explaining it people, you know.” Phil finds it hard to explain what he means, but they’ve had this conversation before. The weird tangled cloud of traditional morality Phil can’t quite untangle himself from feels oppressive sometimes and comforting others.

Dan just shrugs. “But does that mean we need to do anything now?” Dan asks. “I’m not ready for kids. I’ve barely scratched the surface figuring my own shit out.”

“I don’t want kids yet either,” Phil says.

“So does that put kids as a pro or a con on the list?” Dan might not agree with Phil but he does at least accept that some things come before others to Phil.

“I don’t know,” Phil admits. “But it feels like something that should factor in.”

“What about the other ‘kids?” Dan asks, doing air quotes. “The ones that we have raised from their youth to their now jaded twenties?”

“Those aren’t our kids. Not with the things they talk about us doing.” Phil shudders. “We could just not tell them?”

“You know how well that works,” Dan says. “People always find out. It would solve a different problem, though. No need to fuck with coming out if we just flash some matching rings.”

“If we were even going to come out,” Phil says.

Dan makes a face at him. It’s another point of contention, another source of indecision. They’re both prone to change their minds each time the wind blows in a different direction.

“My mum wants us to,” Phil says.

“My parents clearly didn’t think it was necessary to rush into,” Dan says, a slight grimace on his face.

“That’s a bad thing?” Phil asks.

Dan shrugs. “I don’t know. But maybe I would want us to be married before we have kids.”

“Fair enough,” Phil says. “We might get tax breaks.”

“We don’t need tax breaks,” Dan says. “But we’ll finally have an answer when people ask if we’re brothers...”

“Yes, and we’re also married?” Phil predicts.

“Exactly,” Dan says.

“No.”

“You’re no fun.”

“But you know what is fun? We’d get to plan a wedding,” Phil says. “And a reception menu! That’s like, second best to interior design. I watched a program last month where they served sliders made with donuts, and the cake was a big donut.”

“That sounds disgusting, and you watch far too much home and design related television,” Dan says. “But I could get a really swish suit out of it.”

“Designers might even put up for it,” Phil says. “Just no Yeezy down the aisle, please.”

“Only in the honeymoon suite?” Dan grins.

“My future self just lost his boner,” Phil says.

“My future self will help him get it back,” Dan promises.

Phil goes quiet for a long time, and looks at Dan. They’re at the same standstill they always come to. Their eyes lock and the moment goes on and on. Finally, Phil says: “It would be nice to be your husband.”

Dan lets out a noisy breath and smiles. His eyes look a little watery. He cries so easily. Phil loves that about him. “It would be really fucking nice.”

 *

They spend all of day four in bed and in the onsen, building up a sweat between the sheets and washing it off in the warmth of the water. (Figuratively, of course, because they're polite onsen visitors who wash off properly first in the tiny little wooden stalls that barely fit their bodies.)

It shouldn’t make a difference, Phil thinks. They weren’t lacking anything without it. Their commitment was still a commitment. The part that counts has always been there.

“You should tell people I proposed at Mt. Fuji,” Phil says.

Dan punches him in the arm. “I will fucking not. You don’t get proposal credit.”

“Oh, oh, wait, even better - we could tell them we did that thing where we both took rings and surprised each other!” Phil says, excited.

“I hate you,” Dan says. “Don’t know why I’m even marrying you.”

Phil grins so hard that his face hurts.

He thinks of himself, twenty three and barely able to grasp the concept of a life like this. He thinks of Dan, nineteen and convinced he’ll never have the things he wants. He thinks of all those hours they spent dreaming of a moment like this… and how much better the reality is.