#sounded incompetent when i’ve tried to explain stuff before. but for god’s sake this is my dog’s life

[fingertipsmp3]

Not to be all ‘I know better than a medical professional’ or anything, but I do think the people at Mabel’s vet are kind of useless

[vyeoh]

this is your chance: wax poetic about an Empires or DSMP character of your choice to a fan who is new to both. Explain why I should love them. I need guidance in this new and meme-populated land.

okok this is a lot of pressure haha. Spoilers for EmpiresSMP and DreamSMP below, obviously. I wrote a lot so prepare yourself, anon

I watch a lot of empires POVs but the ones I most anticipate every week are Scott and Sausage.

c!Scott (I'll call him Smajor for the sake of simplicity) starts off the series chilling, not really getting involved with the rest of the server, and staying aggressively neutral. After all, he's an elf. He has lived far longer than most of the other rulers already, and will most likely outlive them for many years. So, the best thing is to stick to his mountains and not get invested in the dealings of mortal affairs, maybe sometimes causing problems on purpose and dipping because what's life without a little spice right.

But then, this demon comes to the server, Xornoth. He's going around causing havoc and wants to send the world into an eternal winter, but he doesn't bother the kingdom of Rivendell much so Smajor stays tentatively cautious but ultimately unbothered. But then, the puzzle pieces start falling together. The first thing that the audience noticed was was Xornoth sounded like Smajor, but we mostly thought that this was just due to cc!Scott voicing both of them and there was nothing more to it. However, then, the people the demon starts possessing start chanting in elvish. The demon hates mortals, and the elves are conveniently one of the two confirmed not fully mortal races in Empires.

This culminates when Smajor stumbles across a cave that contains the backstory of the patron god of Rivendell, Aeor. Basically, there's two opposing forces, Aeor and Exor, and both have a champion. In a previous life, those champions were two brothers, where Aeor eventually prevailed and banished Exor. In this life though, the champions are - you guessed it - Smajor, and the demon Xornoth.

So now Smajor is like. Well fuck. It's my literal god-given destiny to be responsible for defeating this demon who is technically my brother, and if I fail the server gets plunged into an eternal winter. And I have no fucking clue what is happening because I've just been here on this mountain actively trying to stay out of the issues outside my kingdom. We watch him panic and teeter on the verge of spiraling for an entire episode, and when the followers of Xornoth go to the End to kill the dragon, releasing Xornoth's full powers, he fails to stop him. Smajor is a character who was used to being the smart one, the prepared one, the one who has the least deaths on the server. But he's also a character who runs away from his problems and ignores them. Before and during the dragon fight, we hear the desperation in his voice, as he's thrown into a situation he is wholly unprepared for, and it's bigger than him going to the Cod Empire to kill their king, or assisting in other people's plans to kill the codfather. He can't run from this. cc!Scott plays this scene so well as well, as I've said before, one of the best parts of Scott's acting is how he's never super dramatic, but he's so effective in the little things like inflection to make you feel, viscerally, the panic and dread.

So after the dragon fight, Smajor realizes, I can't do this on my own. I've tried and failed. So he gets allies. We watch him, someone who has so strongly been an isolationist, learn the benefits of allies and watch him learn to trust others and watch him learn how to get that trust in return.

My favorite thing about Smajor's characterization is that he's an incompetent protagonist, but not in the way of the "plucky young adventurer". He's capable skill-wise, and fairly jaded and very pessimistic. However, his issue is that up until recently, he did not care about the rest of the server at all, and by the time he learned to, it was way too late.

Also, in 3rd Life, cc!Scott and cc!Jimmy were canonically married and they reference it sometimes in Empires. Like, Scott goes over to the Cod Empire every so often both in and out of character to kill and/or flirt with Jimmy, the ruler of the Cod Empire, which may develop as a secondary plot into the future who knows. So ty Scott for giving the gays what they want o7

Now onto Sausage: his is a story of Icarus, his hubris and ambition being his downfall. He's one of the two followers of Xornoth, who promised him endless power in exchange for his servitude. He started the series being eccentric, but not outright unhinged, but slowly gets more and more extreme as the series progresses, as he gets brought more and more to Xornoth's side.

One of the best parts of Sausage's character, in my opinion, is how his gradual corruption affects the people around him. Initially, he got into a conflict with the Cod Empire and was allied with two other people in the Witherrose alliance. They were allies, but also close friends. The fandom liked to joke that the three had sibling energy, and I'm pretty sure the ccs played to that even more lol.

It was painful to watch the other two members, Gem and fWhip, watch Sausage get corrupted right in front of them, and see them desperately clinging on to this old idea of Sausage in their head because if they faced the truth, it would mean that their friend was gone. Eventually, they do finally cut him out of the alliance, leading him to fully commit to the side of the demon. Sausage felt very clearly betrayed by this, and declared the remaining two Witherrose alliance members to be enemies.

He gets more and more possessed, and we even see the other Empires, his enemies even, slowly realize that something is very wrong with the ruler of Mythland. He starts doing more and more evil things, like killing people more, making sacrifices to the demon, and eventually helping to kill the dragon to free Xornoth. So things are good for Sausage, for a bit. He won, and is more powerful than ever. Then he finds out: he's going to die. Xornoth's possession is slowly killing his soul, and eventually, his body going to be fully taken over and he himself is going to be trapped in the spirit realm. So how do you react to this? Over the next few episodes, we watch Sausage struggle between "the demon is literally killing me" and "the demon has given me so much, and I love it", all while Xornoth takes over more and more of him. We hear him exclaim that "don't worry!! I'm still about 15% there!" while trying to downplay every time Xornoth completely takes over his body. We watch him willingly oppose anyone who is trying to end the thing that is killing him.

My favorite thing about Sausage is that he is undoubtedly evil and proud of it, but he's also undoubtedly human. If you like to watch evil characters go absolutely feral, he's the guy for you. He makes the deal with Xornoth in the beginning, knowing and fully embracing the evilness of the demon, but at the same time he knows what he's doing is detrimental to both himself and everyone around him, but he's gotten in way too deep at this point, and to be fair the demon has held up its end fo the bargain, right?

Also, I would be damned if I don't talk about cc!Sausage's editing. Every one of his videos is like a movie. The way he does camera angles and uses music is so skillful- every lore scene feels like something out of a high fantasy action saga (think: LotR). Every big lore event I always wait in anticipation for Sausage's ep because his editing truly takes lore to another level.

I'm just generally very excited to see where this series goes. Empires is such a good mix of talented builders and good lore. Part of the reason why the series is so immersive for me, beyond any other lore smp, is that they have the settings to back it up. There is a certain charm to the DreamSMP's objectively terrible builds (with a few exceptions) but in Empires, the settings help sell the plot so much.

Another part of why I love EmpiresSMP is how much the ccs are involved with the fan community. I'm sure you've seen the memes about Scott being on tumblr, and Sausage regularly goes through the EmpiresSMP fanart tag on Twitter and likes art, even ones not related to Mythland. Most of the ccs, in fact, have brought up tumblr content on stream at some point or another. Like, several ccs have said that they read tumblr lore theories and hcs and stuff and sometimes take inspiration from them. Fun fact: Rivendell's church was inspired by my pinned drawing; confirmed by Scott Smajor himself. It's just such a good cycle of ccs and fans being excited about each other.

As for DreamSMP, I'm gonna be honest here, the only person I really am invested in in Technoblade. I started watching when he joined the server, and he's the only person whose lore I keep up to date with.

Techno's fun to watch because he's like the Deadpool of DreamSMP. Virtually unkillable, very skilled and scary, but consistently cracks jokes and breaks the 4th wall during plot. His POV is just fun. Like, he does wild plans and gives speeches and some of the stuff that happens to him should be called deus ex machine if it wasn't for the fact that Technoblade is the one who's doing it, and all the stuff is grounded in the fact that cc!Techno is just that good at the game.

However, the fact that he rarely takes anything seriously makes the few times Techno is 100% serious so much more impactful. His whole character has a basis in being perceived as inhuman and being treated as such, and therefore in return trying to hide his humanity. So, when he shows that humanity, whether that's fear, anger, or genuine love for his friends, it really makes you go "oh shit."

Techno's often said not to have character development, but I'd argue that while he remains steadfast in his moral code, he develops leaps and bounds as a person. Like, at the beginning, he's brought onto the server to help Wilbur and Tommy overthrow a government; them knowing he's 1) an anarchist and 2) very very powerful. His character was more of a plot device at that point and was treated as such in the canon. Wilbur and Tommy straight-up lie to him about their plans to establish another government after they overthrow the current one, while he was led on to believe that they were abolishing all governments in the area. But he isn't a plot device. He's a person, as much as he only shows the terrifying, blood god side of himself.

After the establishment of New Lmanburg (the new government its a long story), his friend Phil joins. And for the first time, we see him be fully human with someone and we see someone treat him like a human. Like, we saw glimpses before, with Wilbur and Tommy in Pogtopia, but Phil is the first person we noticeably see he trusts 100%. Then Doomsday happens, and Techno essentially retires to the tundra. During this time, we see Techno learn to be more human, first with Ranboo, then Niki when he establishes the Syndicate. In fact, the two of them, along with Phil, canonically throw him a birthday party, which is a far cry from his treatment in Pogtopia.

Techno's development is one of a god learning to be human, and I just think he <3

[bixgirl1]

New Fic - Glompfest!

Title: Life Lessons Author: Bixgirl1 Pairing: Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy Rating: Heh. Explicit. Word Count: 68k Content/Warnings: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Wandless Magic, Banter and flirting and snark - oh myyy - UST!, accidental kissing, intentional kissing (just really a lot of kissing), Epistolary elements, Auror Harry, Humor, dancing, weird plotty stuff ‘cause I can’t help myself, mentions of childhood trauma and previously-made sexual threats, wanking, oral sex, anal fingering, anal sex, rimming (omfg I just realized I forgot that in my AO3 tags!), intergluteal sex, semi-public sex. Summary: On the cusp of a promotion, Harry needs a little help with his image. Enter Draco Malfoy — who doesn't really do that, Potter — to whip him into shape… and make him feel things he hasn't for a very long time. Featuring: odd jobs, surprising chemistry, lots of accidental kissing, the Prophet living up to type, owls exhausted by the carrying of dirty letters, a secret no one can talk about, a merry band of Slytherins (none of whom really approve), and an enchanted mirror (who really, really does).

Author’s Notes: For @m4g0rtz. I’ve wanted to write for you for the LONGEST time, sweets.  Your comments before we met always made me absolutely light up, and then I got to know you and I realized you’re just as fabulous as you seemed. Your friendship has meant so much to me from the beginning, and this fest gave me the perfect excuse to say so in fic; I hope you can forgive my sneakiness while I wrote this for you. lolol.

A huge thanks to my lovely betas, @lqtraintracks and @coriesocks. You guys were both so effing patient with me and both so encouraging and helpful - you made this like a zillion times better than it would have been otherwise. <333333

And a huge thanks to the mods, too, for running such a fun, wonderful fest!

Excerpt (under the cut):

It was one of the most fundamental truths of Harry’s life: as soon as things were going well, everything would turn to shit.

You’re a wizard, Harry — just be on guard for that murderer hunting you. You have a godfather, Harry — but be careful not to get too attached to him. From his relationship with Ginny (which never got back off the ground after the war) to his life after defeating Voldemort (which would never resemble anything approaching normal), there was always some sort of caveat. Privately, he called it “End of the School Year Syndrome.”

The fact that this time it had actually been scheduled for late June was simply ironic.

“That’s not even six weeks away,” Hermione said, frowning.

“Your confidence in me is inspirational,” Harry said. “And the maths isn't really what I’m having a problem with.” He took the invitation back from her and re-buried his face in one of the sofa pillows. It smelled a little like feet and Ron’s deodorant, as though Ron had Transfigured it into a footstool and then only had time to hastily return it to form and freshen it with a charm before Hermione saw and got on him again about just using one of their existing footstools. Harry tossed it to the floor, face smooshing against the sofa cushion as he blindly reached out in search of another pillow. He heard Hermione huff just as one hit him on the back of the head. Harry shoved it under his face. “Thanks,” he said, muffled.

There was a beat of silence, and then Hermione sighed and rested her hand against the back of his head. “How long do you need to sulk?” she asked, stroking her fingers through his hair.

Harry slumped a little deeper. “Five weeks.”

“I’ll give you until Ron gets back with dinner,” she said, more to herself than him. "And for goodness’ sake, Harry, at least take off your glasses.”

Harry managed to take them off without lifting his head or breaking them — proof, he supposed, that he wasn’t entirely incompetent. Hermione took them from his hand and rose with a final, fluttering pat on his shoulder blade. Harry exhaled and tried to consider his options, but was quickly lulled by the drum of the rain on the windowpanes and the pop of the fire. He listened to Hermione putter around her kitchen and relaxed; more than for the advice or commiseration, this was why he’d come, if he was honest. Ron and Hermione’s cottage was homey, calm, most of their furniture crafted from Ron’s magic, the air inside scented by the lavender Hermione had planted in the beds below their windows. Harry missed the company, and the lived-in quality of the tiny flat they’d shared before Ron and Hermione moved out, the distracted mess of three people training for unrelated careers, always someone either there or about to be.

He liked the flat he'd moved into on his own just fine, but working the hours he did left it with a silent, sterile quality he could never seem to get rid of, even when he left the wireless on or avoided laundry for a few days. He’d tried to spruce it up more than once, but Neville wouldn’t even let him buy plants anymore, not after the Solicitous Succulents he’d brought over on Boxing Day — When they bloom, they emit soothing pheromones! You can’t kill them, they barely need any attention! — had weaponised their thorns within an hour of Nev’s arrival; a defensive measure they took when they were in danger of drying out, Neville told him later, and one he’d thought was a myth.

The sound of Ron’s Apparition to their front door roused Harry from his reverie, but he didn’t get up. He heard the rustle of takeaway being opened and dished out, a low hum of murmurs, and his own name — and then Ron shouted, “What the bloody fuck?” and stomped, fuming, into the parlour. “They’re not going to give it to you?”

Harry pushed up from his prone position and shrugged as Ron glowered down at him. “They might,” he said. “Robards said they might still.”

“Give over,” Ron said, and Harry dutifully scooted to make space. Ron threw himself down onto the sofa. “It’s utter shit, Harry.”

“I know.”

“He’s been telling you that job’s yours for… for years!”

“I know.”

“You’ve worked longer hours and closed more cases than anyone in the entire department!” Ron said. His outrage was soothing, both to Harry’s temper and his self-esteem, and a grateful smile tugged at Harry’s lips.

“I know,” he said again.

"You should just run," Ron spat. "Hermione's been saying it, we'll organise a campaign--"

"We'd have no time to prepare for it now. Besides, even if I wanted to, it would look… wrong. Robards would step aside, but… He didn't even have to run in the last election five years ago, and and no one's ever won who wasn't backed by both the exiting Head Auror, the Minister, and at least half the Wizengamot," Harry said, shaking his head when Ron took another deep breath and opened his mouth. “And anyway, Robards said it's not as simple at that.”

“The age thing again?”

Harry scowled. “I wish.”

Twice before, Robards had put off retiring when certain members of the Wizengamot had made it plain that, no matter Harry’s accomplishments to date, they had no intention of promoting someone barely into their twenties to the position of Head Auror. Trying not to take issue with their reasoning — or the extra work Robards piled on him to make a point of his capabilities — Harry’d not made a single complaint as his twenty-third and twenty-fourth birthdays ticked by. But with every successfully closed case since, Robards had assured him that by his twenty-fifth he’d have his promotion.

And then he’d called Harry in for a meeting today, offering Harry a drink before he’d even sat down.

Ron made a disgruntled sound and folded his arms across his chest. “What’s the problem this time?”

“As I was trying to tell you, husband-mine,” Hermione said dryly, walking in and levitating three plates behind her, “It's supposedly Harry.”

“What's Harry?” Ron asked, shooting her a sheepish look. He lifted two of the plates from midair, passing one over to Harry. The salty grease of Ron’s selection — fish and chips — teased at Harry’s senses and he tried to recall when he ate last. Breakfast, probably.

“The problem,” Hermione said, taking her own plate and sitting between them. “It’s Harry.”

“And I’m supposed to be the tactless one,” Ron stage-whispered to him.

“I’m not a problem,” Harry said, pulling a wounded face at Hermione.

She made a little sound of protest. “I didn’t—”

“Arguing with her never ends well,” Ron said. “You might as well just get on board with being a problem, capital P.”

“I don’t want to be a Problem,” Harry said. He turned beseeching eyes at Hermione. “Couldn’t I be something like Trouble instead?”

Ron nodded sagely. “You’ve got enough experi—”

“Oh my god, fine!” Hermione said, dropping her utensils on her plate. Cheered by the clear exasperation on her face, Harry laughed and looked at Ron, who popped three chips in his mouth and quirked her an unrepentant grin. Hermione rolled her eyes and elbowed Ron, but the look she shot him was fond and warm. “Hush, or you’ll end up with your own problem — with a capital P,” she said warningly. She turned back to Harry. “There is a point to be considered about your image, that's not wrong.”

“Hermione!” Ron said, but Hermione looked at Harry steadily, waiting. Expectant.

Harry frowned, effectively distracted from distracting himself. He squeezed a lemon wedge over his fish and opened a packet of vinegar, sprinkling it over his chips to buy some time.

“Well, it's not right,” he said at length.

“No, I know,” Hermione said, gaze softening.

“All right, can someone actually explain then?” Ron asked, waving his fork at each of them in turn and then stabbing, a little viciously, into his fish.

“It’s me. My conduct outside of work isn’t ‘befitting a senior Ministry position,’” he quoted, sounding sullen to his own ears. “The way I talk to the press, or the way I avoid them. Maybe both. The Head Auror is responsible for releasing public statements, and you know me.”

“So?” Ron said, brows drawing together. “You’re a little short-tempered with them, so what? S’not like they’re ever asking you about cases, are they? It’s always about who you’re seeing, or was that really your bum in those pictures. It’s been almost three years since you hexed one of them. Just write up the statements and release them that way.”

“There’s other things, too,” Harry said. He flushed. “The way I am with the public—”

“You’re great with the public!” Ron said, starting to look angry again. “You talk to every kid you meet, you donate, you—”

“I lose my temper with people, though.” Harry took a breath. “I arrested that man last year who wouldn’t leave me alone—”

“He was trying to shove his hand down the back of your trousers!” Ron sputtered.

“—and that whole thing in the Prophet questioning how much of an asset I could be to the Ministry when my name got in the way of my job… Well, it got a lot of traction,” Harry said. He looked down at his plate, stomach suddenly churning. “And whenever I go to public events, I stay on the sidelines, or I’m accidentally rude to some diplomat—”

“That happened twice!”

“Four times.” Harry grimaced. “More, really. Apart from little things like spilling wine all over Ireland’s Minister for Magic or insulting that envoy from Brazil by having to leave early when I got sick off the Firerolls they served at their event, apparently my dress robes are all wrong, I’ve not once used the correct fork, I may as well eat my feet for how often they’re in my mouth, and I refuse to dance, no matter who’s asking.”

“Well you’re not good at it!” Ron fairly yelled, getting so red in the face his freckles were barely visible. “How the bloody hell can anyone blame you after what happened last time!”

Read the rest on AO3

[moonprincess92]

OOOKAY YOU WANT A PROMPT YOU GET A PROMPT JORDAN - Gym AU sounds like it could be fun (or hot. or both. That is up to you ^^)

ok this is 100% not a gym au bc i tried i really absolutely did, so I instead present to you for consideration: a sailing au! (read on ao3) 

The first time they meet, she’s 16 and ready to destroy.

(He’s 17 and was forced into this).

“Jyn’s small, the two of you can go together,” Draven suggests literallyminutes before the two of them are apparently attempting to rig a lasertogether, whatever that means. The breeze is at least warm. The sun shines downthrough the clouds and he honestly has to shield his eyes from the glare offthe boat. Or maybe that’s the girl he’s been paired up with. She moves withutter confidence, pulling this and tying that, and his utter incompetencebecomes rather obvious very quickly in comparison. Eventually, the tiny girlputs her hands on her hips and exclaims,

“You don’t put the tiller on until you’re in the water.”

“Sorry,” Cassian hastily drops the contraption onto the rough sand undertheir feet, which naturally only makes the girl seethe more.

“YOU DON’T JUST DROP IT–”

“Sorry! I don’t know what I’m doing!” Cassian holds up his hands as Jyndives down to pick up said tiller and place it gently back into the hull of theboat. “I’ve never sailed before!”

“I can tell, you suck at this.” 

“Hey!”

“I’ve been sailing since I was four,” Jyn lifts her nose a little, herblack hair tucked underneath the official ‘Yavin Junior Yacht Squadron’ cap.“You’re one of the kids from the home, right? Like, no parents and stuff?”

He nods. Cassian isn’t dumb. He knows how this works, understands thathe doesn’t really belong here. He’s been living in the foster home ever sincehe was six and this is just another activity that his carers are trying out inthe hopes of giving all the children equal opportunities in life. Last year itwas rock climbing (he’d actually gotten pretty good) and the year before it wasa pottery making class (his looked like shrunken heads, but he’d at leasttried) and this year it is apparently sailing. Every Saturday for theentire summer, he is going to be forced down to the Yavin Yacht Club and theinstructors are going to attempt to teach him how to sail without fuckingdestroying something… to be fair, he hadn’t counted on the tiny partner.

Jyn’s supposed to be telling him what to do, but she ends up rigging theentire boat herself and honestly, it’s probably for the best. If Cassian had toattempt any of the ridiculous knots she’s doing, they’d probably drown outthere. The wind shakes the trees as they all work, the lake-side beach dottedwith about twelve to fifteen small boats all manned by kids literally anywhereas young as eight. Jesus. They actually let kids do this? Theeldest is probably Ben, who lives in the home with Cassian and is 17 too, butwhen he glances over at him Ben at least looks like he is enjoying learning howto make these boats safe enough to go out on the water.

Cassian, on the other hand, is just praying that he doesn’t dietoday. 

“So uhh, what happens if we get hit by a water-skier?” he asks.

Jyn barely glances up. “The skiers are in a different part of the lake.”

“Ok, but what if we crash into another boat?”

“These boats are all donated,” Jyn shrugs. “They’ll probably break andwe’ll get yelled at.”

“Are you seriously not even scared of drowning?”

“We have life-jackets and Draven’s always out there in the chase boat,”Jyn rolls her eyes. “Blimey, calm down, mate.”

“What if the boat tips over?”

“Look,” Jyn slams her hands down onto the side of the now fully-riggedLaser. “I win every summer regatta, and I’m not having you mess up my record!Just do what I tell you and we’ll be fine.”

He decides to take her word for it. She certainly sounds confidentenough.

“I am so fucking dead,” he mutters as they push the boat towards thewater.

He’s still not used to the terminology, so when Jyn says it’s a landstart he just assumes that they’ll push the boat out and start racing straightaway, which thankfully turns out to be right. What turns out to be harder,however, is throwing himself up into a boat that’s already caught the wind andis barely big enough for two people. “Where am I supposed to go?!” he yells.

“Just stay up front and keep your head down!” Jyn calls over the wind.She has no problems leaping gracefully into the boat. Cassian, on the otherhand, jumps in what he assumes is a fucking spectacular salmon impression. Hedoes as he’s told, clambering to the front of the boat, but still manages toaccidentally hit himself on something as he lies on his back. His legs are toolong and end up hanging over the side and he rather feels like screwing up hiseyes and hoping for the best… but he finds it in him to remember that he’s apart of this race, like it or not. He glances up at the sail full of air, thenup at Jyn.

Boy, that was a mistake.

She’s perched up on the side of the boat, the wooden tiller in one handand a blue rope that seems to be attached to the sail in the other. Her cap isclipped to her t-shirt and she’s wearing a swimsuit underneath so that all hecan notice is her bare legs resting not even inches away from his face. Heswallows anxiously before hastily turning to see where in the hell they’resupposed to go.

Was the boat really supposed to go this fast?

“What are we aiming for?” he calls up to her.

“That yellow buoy over there!” She points with her foot, which nearlygives him a heart attack. “We have to go around it to port, then down to thebottom mark, then back up, then back to the shore.”

“I didn’t understand a word of that.”

“It’s just a windward-leeward!”

“Are you even speaking English?”

“For god’s sake – TACKING!” she suddenly yells out and before he canthink, a giant metal pole is heading straight for his face. He yelps, duckingdown so quickly that he slams his ass against a cleat of some kind and Jynlaughs, already gracefully perched on the other side of the boat.

“I told you to keep your head down.” 

“You didn’t say when!”

“I thought you’d at least know what a tack is – move so your head is uphere!” 

It’s a mission to manoeuvre his body in the tiny boat, but he somehowmanages it and honestly, it’s a lot less terrifying when his head is away fromthe water. A gust of wind, however, makes the boat tip even more and he feelshis heart ram through his throat. Jyn is thankfully non-phased and simply letsout a little of the blue rope she’s holding, which seems to stabilise the boatonce more.

“Ok, clearly I have overestimated your sailing knowledge,” she says.“Let me give you a crash course.”

“Not exactly the phrasing one would like to hear when on a boat in themiddle of a lake.”

She rolls her eyes and if he isn’t mistaken, it sounds likeshe snickers a little too. “Sailing 101!” she says. “You can’t saildirectly into the wind, so if that’s the direction you want to go, you have tozig-zag. Every time the bow – the front – of the boat moves across the wind tothe other side is called a tack. The boom is this thing–” She leans so she canslam a hand down onto the metal pole that had nearly taken him out earlier.“–and every time we tack it’s gonna swing to the other side, so you have towatch out.”

“Right.”

“This is the tiller, it’s basically the steering wheel,” Jyn carries on,indicating the wooden handle she’s holding. “Except if you want to go left, youmove it right, and if you want to go right, you move it left.”

“Perfect.”

“This is the mainsheet!” She holds up the rope in her other hand. “Itcontrols the sail. The mainsail technically, but I’m not even going to mentionjibs at this point. If you’re going upwind you pull it tight, if you’re goingdownwind you let it out.”

“Great! I understand none of this!”

Jyn makes an exasperated noise. “REPEAT AFTER ME: IF IN DOUBT, LET ITOUT.”

“IF IN DOUBT, LET IT OUT!” Cassian yells back, although what he’ssupposed to let out he’s still not entirely sure.

“TACKING!”

God, he is going to have no ass by the end of this.

Honestly, they manage to do quite well until about halfway through. Ithelps that Jyn is the one who’s sailing, because he’s seriously still justalong for the ride here, despite the amount of times Jyn has tried to explain whatshe’s doing. However, just as they are approaching the first mark (and pullingahead of several other people, he might add, which has Jyn cheering) Dravenpulls up alongside them in the chase boat.

“JYN. STOP DOING ALL THE WORK, LET THE KID HAVE A GO TOO.”

It’s a miracle he can even be heard over the wind and the sound of thehull crashing into the waves, but apparently these people were well trained indeciphering loud voices over decent distances. Jyn groans and Cassian holds upa hand hastily.

“No, it’s fine, I really think it’s best you just do it anyway–” hebegins.

“I would,” Jyn rubs her forehead. “except I’m kinda on Draven’s hitlist. Doesn’t like me… you know, for some reason.”

“Can’t imagine why.”

It just comes out and he cringes at the look she gives him. However,instead of being blasted to pieces by her laser eyes, she almost seems takenaback. Like she didn’t realise that he had it in him. She beckons him closerand says, “Come up here.”

“Up there?” Cassian indicates where she’s sitting right on theedge of the boat, sometimes even leaning out right over the water when the windgets strong. He seriously hopes his voice didn’t squeak just then. He coughsquickly before adding, “But the boom will kill me!”

“Not if you do it right, come on – your weight will at least save mefrom having to counter all the time,” She reaches out and grabs him by thelifejacket, practically hauling him up. He moves until he’s by her side,wind slaming into his face and making his eyes water. Any second nowthey’re going to hit a wave and he’ll be thrown overboard, or they will tackagain and he’ll be knocked out cold… but for a second, he sits there and feelssomething like adrenaline run through him. His skin is prickling but herealises he’s smiling and he turns back to face Jyn.

“See, this isn’t so bad is it?” she points out. Then, she’s handing himthe blue rope and that’s about when the panic sinks in again. “Hold that, pullit when I tell you to and remember: if in doubt, let it out.”

“IF IN DOUBT, LET IT OUT.”

“You don’t have to scream that every time.”

“Sorry, I’m a little on edge.”

Jyn rolls her eyes, but they’re coming up on the yellow buoy bobbingaround in the water and she shifts a little. “Right, we’re going to tack aroundthe mark – BODHI!” she suddenly screams across the water to another boatnearby. “BEAR THE FUCK OFF, MATE!”

“Is he going to crash into us?” Cassian fights to keep calm. The kid whoapparently went by the name of Bodhi was getting rather dangerously close tothem as they approached the mark and Jyn threw up her middle finger at him.

“Nah,” Jyn rolled her eyes. “He’s just got right of way, so the bastardis purposefully trying to push us down so we don’t make it round the mark–”

“Honestly, you’re still speaking a lot of boat lingo here and I don’t–”

“Tacking!”

“Jesus Christ–”

They literally only just make it around the mark. Bodhi’s laser zipspast with a laugh, mainly because Cassian’s attempt to clamber to the otherside of the boat meant that he didn’t let out the rope in his hands as theymoved to the downwind leg. Their loss of power slows them down considerably,until of course Jyn screams, “LET IT OUT!” and he lets go of the ropecompletely.

“Bloody hell…” Jyn rubs her forehead, their sail now flapping uselesslyand kind of terrifyingly in the wind. She yanks at the mainsheet, pulling it inenough that they start to get momentum again before shoving it back into hishands.

“I told you putting me in charge of anything was a bad idea,” Cassiansays, weakly.

She doesn’t even answer that time, which he is a little grateful for.Thankfully, he discovers that there’s a significantly lesser threat of tippingover going downwind. Naturally, they had to be going what seemed to be evenfaster, but for a while at least he’s able to just sit there without having tomove very much. Other boats, he notices, are zipping past them, but Jynapparently doesn’t seem to care much anymore. After several minutes oflistening to nothing but the rush of air, Jyn suddenly turns to ask,

“So what’s the story?”

He glances back at her. “What do you mean?”

She’s completely unabashed and it throws him a little. “We’re gonna bestuck on this boat for at least another hour together, we might as well get toknow each other. Why are you here?”

If anyone else asked him like that, he would’ve said to fuck off. Buthis life is literally in this girl’s hands, and the way she looks at him makeshim get a niggly feeling that she has a story too somewhere, underneath the hatand lifejacket.

“Every summer, the foster home chooses something for us all to do,”Cassian explains, casually. “Something to keep us occupied, out of trouble,exposing us to the world’s endless opportunities… or some shit like that.”

“And they chose sailing this summer?”

“I’ve been dreading it ever since school got let out.”

“What year are you?”

“It’s gonna be my last year in September,” Cassian answers. He’sactually been trying not to think about it too much. “You?”

“Same. I’m young in my year, my birthday’s in August.”

“And you’ve really been sailing since you were four?”

“My parents used to sail,” Jyn shrugs. “I’ve been on boats as long as Ican remember, four was just the first time I was officially allowed to join theclasses at the club.”

“And you’ve… always liked it?”

She glances at him with something like a smirk. “Are you trying to askif I’ve ever been scared?”

“Well, I have to admit that I haven’t been able to breathe properly eversince we arrived at the club and it would be reassuring to know if that feelingwill ever go away.”

Jyn lets out a snort of laughter, which at least sounds promising.“Sailing shouldn’t be terrifying,” she says. “It can be dangerous if you don’tknow what you’re doing, but honestly it’s fun. Especially when the wind isdecent like this,” She holds out her spare arm then, flinging it up into theair. The wind tosses her ponytail up from behind her and she practically soarsover the water.

She could’ve been flying.

He swallows a little with difficulty before asking, “And if the wind iscrap?”

“Then you’re literally floating on a hunk of fibreglass in the middle ofa lake,” she catches his look and adds, “… it’s a real hit or miss kind ofhobby.”

He smiles a little. In their downwind interlude, it seems that they’vefinally caught up with the main group of boats, although the downside appearsto be that they are approaching yet another mark. Jyn shifts a little as theywatch the buoy grow bigger and bigger as they get closer.

“Right,” she says. “Now at the bottom mark you have to gybe aroundinstead of tack. That means instead of crossing the wind with the bow of theboat, you’re going to use the stern. It can be a bit harder than tackingbecause the wind catches suddenly, so you have to control it–” 

“I appreciate the lesson,” Cassian says, desperately. “but maybe justtell me exactly what to do–”

“Ok, fine, swap places!” She suddenly crouches forward, gesturingquickly that he should scoot further towards the back of the boat and replaceher hand that had been holding the tiller. While quite happy to hand over themainsheet, Cassian realises that he’s now in charge of steering the boat andhonestly, it might be even more of a nerve-wracking job.

“When I tell you,” Jyn calls from her new place on his other side,reaching up with a gloved hand and holding onto the elaborate pulley system ofropes that controlled the sail. “you’re going to push the tiller away from you,ok?”

“Ok.”

“You can sound a bit more confident,” she throws back with a slighttease.

That’s news to him, but he doesn’t have time to dwell on the way she looksat him in that moment. The buoy is floating right in front of him and hefreezes until Jyn yells, “Now!” He pushes, and their Laser suddenly swingsaround at a rather alarming speed. Jyn swears spectacularly as the ropes areliterally ripped from her hands, the boom slamming across the boat so quicklythat it’s a miracle that Cassian ducked in time. Before he can think, she slamsa hand on top of his on the tiller and she’s pulling it just a fraction, enoughthat they thankfully come under control once more.

“Jesus Christ,” she exclaims. “I said push away you, I didn’t sayyank it!”

“I didn’t know how hard I was supposed to push!”

“I might be going out on a limb here, but can we at least try and haveno more heart attacks for the rest of the race?”

“Oh, I don’t know…”

She laughs.

The second upwind leg unfortunately goes a little rougher than thefirst. The wind’s certainly picked up, and the two of them are forced to sitright on the edge of the boat to keep it balanced. Jyn insists on swapping placesagain and his heart is slamming somewhere in his throat every time they have tolean back over the water. “On the plus side,” he says at one point. “I thinkI’m getting the hang of this–”

Naturally, as soon as the words are out of his mouth a strong gustsuddenly slams into their sail. The small Laser keels dangerously over and hestruggles to let the mainsheet out fast enough. The last thing he hears beforethey spectacularly capsize is Jyn shrieking and a loud splash.

Then, he hits the water.

“SHIT, that’s cold!” he yelps once his head breaks the surface.

Jyn’s next to him, spluttering a little and pushing back her fringe. Herhat is bobbing along next to her in the water, still attached to her shirtthanks to the tie. Their Laser is flopped forlornly onto its side, the sailbeing the only thing keeping it upright, although Cassian is certain that itwon’t take long for the water to pull it under. He catches Jyn’s eye andsuddenly, she’s swimming over to him and apparently laughing her ass off.

“You made me capsize in the first race of the season!” She hits him onthe shoulder once she’s close enough. “Good god, I’m never living this onedown.”

“I tried to let it out, I really did–”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” she shakes her head, grinning. “C’mon, let’sjust get the fucking boat back up.”

Thankfully, it’s a fairly simple concept getting the Laser back up theright way. The two of them swim around to where the centre board is sticking upout of the water and pull, pull until the sail finally swings back up out ofthe water… the hard part is apparently getting back in said boat. Jyn hasabsolutely no problems hoisting herself up out of the water, drippingeverywhere as she clambers back in, but admittedly for a second he wonderswhether she’s going to simply set off without him and leave him in the Laser’swake. His throat only clenches for a second however, since she turns andreaches down for him, grabbing him by the lifejacket. His return to the boatisn’t quite so graceful. He perfects his earlier salmon impression, floppingover her lap as he’s hauled up into the boat once more. It’s freezing with thewind slicing against his wet skin and his teeth chatter as he strugglesupright.

But he looks up at Jyn as she still holds onto his lifejacket… and hewonders if it would be in poor taste to compare it to being held by a lifeline.

“Oh, I am fucking TERRIBLE at it,” Cassian practically shouts over themusic that pounds the walls of the clubhouse. “We ended up capsizing so manytimes that we pulled a crack in the hull and the Laser fucking sank.”

“Cassian, I know,” Kay says. “People have been making fun ofyou all evening.”

It turns out that sailors like to party as much as they like to rib eachother. Everyone was polite and formal during the actual prize giving, apartfrom a few ‘fun’ awards that had been handed out, including ‘Best BuoyCollision’, ‘Best Man Overboard’ and ‘Best Sinking of An Entire Boat’… he andJyn had won the latter one amidst a lot of cheers and teasing. Thankfully, oncethe prize giving was over, a disco lightbulb was screwed in and the musicturned up loud, the after party getting well underway. Of course, with amajority of the attendees being under 18, it basically just involved a bunch ofkids jumping around a makeshift dance floor, teens hanging out in clumps andgroups around the edges of the hall while the parents and other adults dranktoo much beer at the bar. Cassian thankfully at least knows Kay and the otherkids from the foster home. The tall, lanky 17-year-old might be his onlyfriend, but Kay has been with him almost as long as they’ve both been in thehome, and though his abruptness might leave most people a little slighted,Cassian honestly appreciates him.

“Just think, though,” Kay says as they eye up the dance floor withtrepidation. “you could’ve been the poor bugger who fell out and their partnersailed off without them.”

“Might I remind you WE SANK THE ENTIRE BOAT?”

“You managed to get it back onto shore again.”

“Yeah,” Cassian shakes his head. “after having to be rescued by the chaseboat! God, Jyn isn’t going to want anything to do with me after this…”

“Why do you care?” Kay asks in genuine confusion.

“Kay, I think your ace-ness is showing,” Cassian snorts. His best friendgives a dawning look before immediately seeking out the girl that Cassian isn’tquite ready to admit that he’d had an eye on all evening. She’s across theclubhouse on the other side of the dance floor, laughing at something someonehas said within the group of friends she stands with. Her hair is no longer tiedback under her cap, but left down to dry around her face and it’s kind of hardto look at, to be honest. Kay glances back at him with an expression thatclearly says, really?

“She’s cute, ok?” Cassian throws up his hands.

“I give it a 28% chance of happening.”

“Thanks for the confidence, man,” Keen to change the subject,Cassian cuts back in again by asking, “So you clearly survived the first raceof the season, then?”

“I didn’t sink the boat, if that’s what you mean,” Kay huffs. “Honestly,turns out sailing isn’t that hard. It’s all just physics, really.”

“Of course,” Cassian says. “Think though, this is going to be our lastsummer excursion. This time next year… we’ll finally be on our own.”

“No teachers or carers anymore.”

“I find it faintly terrifying,” Cassian admits. “You?”

“Oh, no. I’m tired of it all. I’m ready to leave.”

Cassian downs his OJ like it’s beer, wishing not for the first time thatevening that it was. He doesn’t know where Kay’s pragmatism comes from. Hemight be ready to face the world, to go out on his own, get a job, get a life,look after himself, but something in Cassian is hanging on, and he hates it.There’s a heavy weight pushing him down, and it gets stronger whenever heremembers that he’s nearly at the end of the road. He’s supposed to be grown upnow, strong now, he’s called ‘young man’ and reminded daily of how he needs tofocus because he only has one year of school left, this is where he needs tomake all the decisions that will ultimately define his adult life…

He’s never felt more like a child.

He glances at Jyn across the room. His plan had been to avoid her allevening in the hopes that she might have forgotten the Accidental SinkingIncident by this time next week. But she’s young too. She’s young and confidentand everything Cassian isn’t and if this is the last time he gets to spend asummer messing around and forgetting everything important, then…

“Fuck it,” he declares. “I’m gonna go talk to her.”

“You what?” Kay says in bewilderment.

“Wish me luck.”

“Luck with what? WAIT – you’re actually serious? – CASSIAN –”

But Cassian is already disappearing into the crowd of partying sailors,leaving his utterly baffled best friend behind. He would figure it outeventually. He forces his legs to keep moving and not stop, because if he stopshe will chicken out, and he can’t chicken out, damn it…

Shit, she’s still with her friends. He doesn’t quite have the guts toreach out directly, so instead he opts for just casually joining the circle,staying quiet and listening to the chatter about how last year’s exam resultshad finally come through, how Kasey and John had apparently hooked up atJeanie’s party last weekend, how Jyn had managed to sink an entire boat in thefirst race of the season –

“Yeah, we’re still on that apparently,” Jyn side-eyes him from where hehad sidled up to her. He blinks, heart racing at the thought that she hadapparently already noticed him.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “Again. I didn’t mean to–”

“Nah, don’t even worry about it,” Jyn just waves a hand, turning herback on the rest of the conversation. “I’ll never live it down, but I’m overit.”

“Thanks for having my ass out there, by the way,” Cassian says. “I don’tthink I’ve mentioned that yet, I might’ve drowned if it weren’t for you.”

“Are you always this dramatic?”

“I’m an orphan,” Cassian throws back. “My life is dramatic by default.”

That makes her go quiet for a moment, and he wishes he hadn’t drunk allof his drink just to have something to do other than stare at her. The discolightbulb sends colourful shards across her face as she contemplates him.

“I’m sorry,” she says after a moment. “Did you wanna talk or someshit…?”

“No, no it’s fine,” he said, hastily. “It was a long time ago, I makejokes about it now. Sorry.”

“Oh, thank god,” Jyn cracks a grin. “I thought for a second I was gonnahave to get sentimental.”

“I know I just met you today, but you don’t exactly strike me assentimental, Jyn.”

“That’s the way I like it,” she says, happily. “Now, we’re not allowedto talk about sad shit or sailing shit anymore, the after party’s are supposedto be about having fun and getting fucked up, so you better have some othertopic of conversation to entertain me.”

“Tell me, how are you supposed to get fucked up when you can’t evenaccess the bar?”

Jyn just hands him the innocent juice she’s been drinking the wholeevening. He takes a sip and realises that it’s not just been spiked, it’s beenspiked strong. He coughswithout meaning to and she laughs at him.

“The parents all get plastered at these, so long as you don’t get toodrunk, you’re golden,” she says.

He grins. He smiles, he grimaces, he smirks, but he doesn’t do fucking grinning, and this girl is making him.

What is he getting into?

They honestly don’t drink that much in the end. He really only acceptsenough that he’s not too scared to take her hand and pull her along for adance. Jyn ignores all the little kids giggling as she slings her arms aroundhis neck, moving in time to the latest upbeat pop song of the summer. Her hairis sweaty at the edges and he remembers how her hair was plastered to her headas they hit the water. It’s a very different sensation now. He’s pretty sureshe’s pretending that she doesn’t know the words but she’s humming under herbreath and he can feel the heat rising off her under his hands on her hips. Heremembers that she mentioned her parents earlier in the day and Christ,he hopes that they aren’t somewhere over at the bar right now. Not that they’dhave anything to worry about, because they’re just dancing. He might still betrying to figure out how it happened, but they’re only dancing, andit barely even qualifies as such anyway, rather it’s just jumping up and downto the bass that thundered through the floor of the clubhouse.

It’s just dancing, but it feels like something else at the same time. Hisfingers clench a little at her hips and for a moment he lets himself imaginethat he has the guts to pull her closer. He would never dare, but it’s just aswell since she catches his eye and he just knows she’d be the kind of girl totrail her hands down his neck and shoulders, nails scraping a little into hisskin. She would step in as his arms cinched tighter, pressing her hips againsthis. He might pass out a little, but he would let her wrap herself around him,hands skimming up and down his back until eventually, they settle somewherearound his ass…

Jyn pulls away and suddenly, his head is forced to snap back to reality.Feeling a little like his skin is on fire, she tugs on his hand and begins topush themselves through the crowd of raucous sailors. Eventually, they find themselvesoutside. The breeze is still warm enough for t-shirts, and flies dart aroundhis face that he slaps at until Jyn leads him down the deck that lines theoutside of the clubhouse. She leans against the rail and he joins her, themusic just a distant thud in his chest now. Yachts gleam out on their moorings,Lake Yavin rippling gently ahead of them.

Jyn turns to him.

“I love a good party, but sometimes you just need to get out sometimes,”she says.

“I feel you.”

“You know, you’re not half bad, Cassian,” Jyn smirks, glancing away. “Itook you for a baby at first who was going to cry at the first sign of keeling,but I was proven wrong.”

“Oh, don’t worry, the spray from the waves masked my very real tears.”

She laughs, and he’s not sure he’s actually made a girl laugh this muchin one day before. It might be a new record for him. “I guess you got the restof the summer to harden up,” she mentions, lightly.

“Ah, yes,” he nods. “a whole summer before being plunged into impendingadulthood, all while still being forced to take exams.”

“You’ve been given the lecture too, huh?”

“I am all too familiar with the lecture.”

“Finally! Someone who gets it,” Jyn exclaims. “I’m 16, I don’t want tobe making Important Life Decisions right now! I just want to sail boats andmess around, at least while I still can.”

He’s not sure what it is. Maybe it’s the way the moon hits her hairthat’s still hanging around her shoulders, maybe it’s the subtle way she’s leaninginto him, maybe he’s just gone a little crazy. Whatever it is, he throws allcaution to the wind and says,

“Sailing boats I’m a little out of my depth with, but I’d be willing tomess around with you.”

Her eyes snap to his.

“Do you mean that how I think you mean it?” she says.

“It sounded sexier in my head.”

“Everything does.”

Later, at the end of the summer, both of them will say that they kissedthe other first. The reality is that Cassian will never really be sure, onlythat one second he’s staring at her and the next, her fingers are in his hairand her lips are pressed to his. One of his hands splays out, hastily graspingthe deck railing while the other curls up her back, feeling the bikini strings underher t-shirt. His heart is pounding, not unlike being on a Laser going upwind.He’s not sure when he switched to sailing analogies. He’s not sure that hecares. They stand there and kiss the hell out of each other, until eventuallythe clubhouse door opens somewhere behind them. They pull apart hastily asapparently one of the young families leave to make their way home for theevening. There are the giggles of an over-tired 10-year-old and the suddensurge in music until the door swings back closed once more behind the family.

Jyn lets out a long breath.

“YEAH,” she says. “I am absolutely cool with doing that some more. You?”

He tries not to smile too much as he joins her in leaning once moreagainst the deck railing. His lips still tingle.

“Oh, you will definitely see me next week.” 

[peanutdracolich]

Peanut Dracolich Watches (Hammer) Horror: The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires

I don’t know if it’s really the first kung fu horror spectacular; Mr. Vampire and Chinese Ghost Story are the kung fu horror spectaculars I am familiar with and come from the 80s. Still the film promises a dumb (it was mid 70s Hammer and a mid 70s kung fu film) kung fu flick with vampires and some horror trappings, and it delivers exactly that.

It’s a B movie. It’s a dumb, but enjoyable, little low impact, low investment film. You watch it to see Grand Moff Tarkin (well he became the Grand Moff 4 years later) thrown into a kung fu movie. It is at a functional level for that. Ultimately it gives what it promises and does it well enough. It doesn’t give more, it doesn’t give something quite different, and it doesn’t make promises it can’t keep. There are disappointing aspects, but it feels like Hammer Horror made a 70s kung fu film and if you’re watching it you probably know what that means to expect; you hopefully know what to expect with Hammer Horror at least.

Overall I’d say it’s a film worth watching if you know you enjoy that sort of dumb, obviously fake sets, weapons that are just as fake, and kung fu fighting from when it was a lot slower typically. If you don’t enjoy old B movies, or don’t enjoy them unless they’re truly horrible, don’t watch it.

Good/Bad/Ugly and play by play after the cut.

The Good:

The Premise: This is why you’re watching the film and it delivers it at the expected B movie scale.

The Heroines: Are relatively strong and independent characters for the type of film. They are not super strong and independent and I’m pretty sure they never directly talk to each other, but I can only remember 3 of the 8 guys talking at all. They both get damsel moments, but... one of them still fights better than most of the guys in the film and the other one is the non-combatant that demanded to go vampire hunting.

Gratuitous Boobies: The film enjoys showing extras’ breasts when it has an excuse to. If you enjoy that in a film, it’s here. And as the later Hammer Horror films got known more for sexploitation (I haven’t watched many of the later ones but the internet tells me so) it’s the sort of thing that you should have been expecting going in.

The Bad:

Dracula: The actor lacks charisma and stage presence. He’s not just no Christopher Lee he’s one of the flattest and least interesting vampires I’ve seen. He also dies a pathetic death. Thankfully 7 other vampires who are more...

General Villain Incompetence: Oh for Orlok’s sake. So the golden vampires get some good stuff in by the end of the film and actually serve as a threat to our heroes, but their early showings are atrocious. They first show up having difficulty dealing with a limping farmer. If they hadn’t given him a limp the movie would have been noticeably better just because they were undercutting their main villains by doing so.

Gratuitous Boobies: The film enjoys showing extras’ breasts when it has an excuse to. I try to be accepting of it because... I do have a certain fascination with breasts, but it sometimes serves to take away from a scene and I wonder why the villains are so eager to rip their shirts. Apparently they want a good view as they sacrifice them.

The Ugly:

The Undead Soldiers: I actually think they were primarily women in theory, but the zombie soldiers were pretty ugly creatures and between their sound cue and general effects deserved a place in a far scarier movie. I probably actually ought to have put them in Good instead of Ugly but.

The Deaths: The vamps die ugly.

The Play by Play:

The last Hammer Horror Dracula film, and one without Christopher Lee in the role. However Peter Cushing is there as Van Helsing and the premise sounds hilarious. And having watched 13 horror movies in 13 days I need a bit of a break from scary. Still I feel guilty so I am watching it in the dark and will do my best to buy in and play along but... I expect to break down into a more humor filled enjoyment of a 61 year old Grand Moff performing martial arts stunts in a film that had the Shaw Brothers working on it.

You also may or may not get a full play by play. I'm tired of typing out scenes, though why is there a Chinese looking nativity scene sign near what appears to be Dracula's castle? The music is in theory passable, but the production value and the D on the coffin is a bit taking me out. Still I'm not trying to buy in much which hurts.

The Dracula just doesn't have the presence. When he speaks it's... he's not my Dracula. His approach is pretty good, too smooth and even for him to be walking. The music is also theoretically good, but the set just looks so set like.

Still the worst element is the disappointing Dracula. He has none of the charisma of Lee, or Lugosi, nor Gerald Butler in Dracula 2000, nor the vampire from The Brides of Dracula. What I'm saying is he has no charisma. Unlike the Chinese vampire cultist who ruled in the name of the titular 7 Golden Vampires. I mean he's still no Lee or Lugosi but he doesn't make me want to laugh more than the bat effects. So I am happy when he steals the Chinese guy's body, I am unhappy that he voices over the dude, but the voice works somewhat with the bombastic motions of the new body. It's an improvement. It's not scary, it's like a 70s Kung Fu flick, over the top and hammy, but hey it's different.

We are transported to 1904 China, and it feels like a Shaw Brother kung fu flick. Until we hear Cushing giving a lecture about Chinese legends and how some are just legend, and some are true at their heart. He of course then talks about a village threatened by vampires, and the poor limping farmer who rose to the task of protecting it. Apparently with a hoe. Sets are like something from a 70s Kung Fu flick (that is to say extremely fake). And I'm not really trying to buy in to the horror or even suspend my disbelief which honestly the film probably deserves some attempt but... Kung Fu Vampires. I will try to be better...

A bunch of women are tied to slabs around a pool of blood, and our vampire cultist is proceeding over it. There's a sense of horror here. Pacing is good. One of the girls is topless. The vampires look like wrinkled and rotten things. The effect there is good. His daughter is one of the girls. The scene is drawing on a little too slow. He's a limping farmer with a hoe and he's managed to release his daughter before they really react. He's a limping farmer without a hoe and he wounded a vampire and escaped. I'm sorry limping farmer beat on your vamps pretty effectively they lost some fear.

In the film's favor the golden skulled undead rising as reinforcement look pretty good.

Still things just aren't quite well enough put together for me to buy in. Still there is the sense of danger. Even so the limping farmer stole their mystic golden bat and placed it upon a shrine to a god and touching it causes the vampire to burst into flame even after they kill him. The music is actually effective, so is the army of the dead, but I just can't buy in; I may be a little inured at the moment.

After the story the Chinese historians he was lecturing mock him and say that he is trying to discredit China by saying that they'd believe such things as vampires like some superstitious backwards Eastern European peasants. One dude, though, believes.

And we see Van Helsing's son. He doesn't impress me.

Full screening the movie (I'm watching it on youtube) helps, gets the white away, the white was bad.

Still the film gives us some things worth mocking. Van Helsing reacts fairly calmly to someone breaking into his rooms and trying to sneak up on him. He simply asks the man who he is and offers him tea. And the guy, well apparently he's here to apologize, and request Van Helsing's aid as a vampire catcher. I'm not sure why he didn't just knock, that'd be a rather more polite way to apologize than via breaking and entering.

We also have the younger Van Helsing flirting with a woman and then pissing off the local crime boss by destroying his excuse to get close to her by stating he'd already promised her his services as an escort. Good gentlemanly behavior. Still while she is, as she puts it, 'the totally emancipated woman' who could have said no to the tong on her own, she doesn't exactly resent the escort... it gives her a chance to talk to him about his father she's infatuated with.

Of course we find out how well saying no would have gone for her when they are attacked by a group of kung fu assassins and saved by a pair of kung fu brothers. Still the young Van Helsing (Leland I think) actually fought or tried, and they were following him so he probably kept her from being abducted by a Chinese crime lord. She even shows she realizes this.

The Older Van Helsing, though, doesn't want her to come on the vampire hunt, but everyone else disagrees with it... Possibly because she's financing the trip (and the son likes her and recognizes 'she has a will of her own').

On the subject of the heroine (I'm bad with names) she is not up to the usual sex appeal of a Hammer Horror heroine, not to say she is unattractive, but part of this is also presentation; her presentation is less sex as well. Given later Hammer films are known for sexploitation the fact that she doesn't live up to the appeal there as the ones from the first 3 (before they were that) is worth noting.

No mention is to made of horrific tension as the film has descended into kung fu action. It's not trying to be scary. It's a horror story (vampires and all, yada yada) but it's a kung fu film. The weapons are ludicrously fake,some of the fight techniques are Vulcan neckpinch level, and it's... fun.

The movie does make me wonder. Their grandfather was a limping farmer, this is a group of kung fu weapon master brothers and one sister, why do they need Van Helsing? A limping farmer gave them a good fight. Of course the film is trying to explain that right now with 'you're the expert and will know what to do to beat them for you are the chosen one' but... WHY DID THEY GIVE THE FARMER A LIMP?

We get a scene of vampires ripping the shirts of women open and abducting them. The farmers fighting them now are not very good at it. They outnumber them but their hoes do nothing.

Van Helsing informs us of some things: A wooden stake works on vampires in the East apparently. The image of the lower Buddha works on them like the crucifix on a European one, fire doesn't work in Europe but he doesn't know about in China. He does not point out that the Scandinavian heroine is jealous of the fact that his so is infatuated with her... or is she jealous she's encouraging him to go help wash the dishes you dumb-butt. She's more interested in the leader of the kung fu brothers it seems.

On the villainous side of things we get more boobies. The film is enjoying the chance to show them. Still the Chinese Dracula is more intimidating than the original actor.

Van Helsing is psychic. Leland is a dumbass. Scandinavian financier has a caring/motherly side.

Still while they're hiding in the cave for the night, the kung fu vampires arrive. This would be fine except suddenly the vaguely hopping skeleton army. The immortal undead things do little to them... Till Van Helsing tells them how to strike their weak spot. And the archer manages to fell one of the seven golden vampires, striking him with an arrow causing him to emit a truly silly laugh and a death scene which makes him seem like he's doing a rather insensitive idiot act. A second of the golden vampires is killed, his death less humorous, a... Van Helsing just tripped backwards into a fire. He just stumbled into the fire. Of course he uses this to pick up a burning brand and show that the Eastern Vampires are vulnerable to fire. Leland spent the fight punching like one of the mooks and having trouble with it. He finds women who can fight hot, though, so that's good.

Having just defeated half of the enemies with no losses, the Kung Fu brothers are disheartened. I have no idea why they're disheartened. Apparently curb stomping the enemy makes them afraid. Also they never buried their grandfather, but left his bones to bleach in the sun despite knowing where he was. That's... I'm pretty sure that's really disrespectful. Like what the nosferatu dudes, tend his corpse so it can rest in peace.

And Financier Lady is now without her shirt, wearing oly a tank top that shows cleavage if she leans forward. I feel I am expected to rejoice at this. Leland continues to be a dumb ass.

Dracula is kowtowing to great demons of hell dedicating himself to their service. Dracula have more self respect. You don't do favors. You're an archvampire, you're your own master. I don't care if you want an undead army. Bad Dracula have some self respect. Still he attacks the town which our heroes have fortified and... our heroes immediately abandon the fortifications to fight the enemy outside of them. Because you spend all day fortifying just for fun, not for practical purposes.

Still they begin to beat the 3 remaining vamps when the zombie army arrives and they decide that maybe they should have like used their fortifications after all. Maybe. After all the zombie army is the scariest thing in the film.

One of the brothers is killed! The villains are not WHOLLY incompetent. Unlike Leland who... Well ok he fights better with his fist than a gun (he can't aim for the heart it seems). Still the one thing I was afraid of in this film happened, both our heroines have just become damsels, such is the fate of emancipated women. One is carried off by the zombies, and one is bitten in the throat by one of the vampires and immediately turns into a vampiress and attacks the kung fu brothers' leader forcing him to stake her, which in Hammer tradition makes her bite vanish. In an act of lover's suicide he stakes himself as well, because once you have staked your romantic interest it's all you can do. No to be honest she bit him so he knew what was going to happen to him and he ended it first.

Oh and the Kung Fu Girl hasn't becomes captured. In fact she has now outlives over half of her brothers. Yes. She's still getting beaten up... Oh now she's kidnapped. I can accept it more after 4 of the guys are killed.

Leland jumps on a horse and takes chase, going to confront the vampire that carried her off, and I'm not sure if we're down to Dracula and 1 other or 2 others now. Still we're down to 2 kung fu brothers, Van Helsing, Leland the Mute Donkey, and our abducted heroine.

She is strapped to the ritual slab to be bitten and drained of blood, but Leland saves her beginning to fight the vampire. He is doing better than expected. Which is to say he hasn't died yet, though he is losing until his Papa comes and spears the vampire in the back. Don't mess with his dumb ass, it makes Van Helsing angry. I think we're out of vampires other than Dracula.

Everyone leaves save Van Helsing who pauses and encounters Dracula. Who is goaded out of the Chinese dude's body. No! Film, don't! The other guy had more charisma. He was hamtastically awesome with his dialogue. No, why ;;

We then get to watch as a 60 year old man gets backhanded about a bit, before Dracula impales himself upon a broken spear shaft. Dracula is dumb in this film. His death is dumb. He should feel bad next time he revives.

Oh and the ending credits tell me I misspelled Leyland's name, I'm not fixing it.