#soukoku fanfic incoming

[welcometothelairofthebitchking]

@Fyodorsno1rat @decaf-nosebleed GLADLY

Warning: I kin Dazai. That should tell you everything

Okay so this headcanon is based on two things:

1, Dazai's mental health. In particular, one instance of him discussing it. I don't really remember how this conversation exactly went, but I know someone (Mori, I think?) Asked him why he wants to die, and Dazai said 'Let's turn that around. Why do YOU not want to die'

Because I remember sitting in my counselor's office, having this EXACT conversation, and I remember the sheer bewilderment I felt when I realized that he, genuinely, did not want to die. That he even wanted to live. It felt so absurd to me that I just could not comprehend, and the feeling was returned by him and anyone else I asked later about this topic. The conversation never went anywhere because both sides always thought 'why not?'. There was never any reason. There didn't need to be. It was just how life was: to them, wanting to live, and to me, definitely not wanting to

But why would anyone spend every single second - and I really mean every single second- begging for death for real? That's not normal- I finally understand- and the reason is simple: because it hurts to be alive.

I am talking about agonising, unbearable pain. Pain that never goes away, not even for a second, to the point that you think living means to be in agony. To the point that you think it's normal, and you're always wondering how no one else is being crushed under it. To the point that maybe, like younger me, you don't even realise something hurts because everything always hurts and you don't realize pain is a sensation and not what makes up a body.

I don't mean pain in an abstract or even emotional way either- I mean physical pain everywhere in your body, each movement feeling like trying to dance with shattered bones, agony surging with each breath you take to the point that you want to stop taking them. I mean what it feels like to have your emotional turmoil turn psychosomatic and chronic, and live like that for years

And then, simply, point 2 and a question:

Where do you put bandages?

Somewhere there's a wound.

Or somewhere that really hurts.

(I think this gets my point across, but just to give more explanation -and unfortunately do more unprompted oversharing- this is something that sometimes actually helps. It might be the pressure, or just the feeling of having it wrapped. Maybe it's because it can help stop others from coming into contact with an invisible bruise with rough hands or worse, a gentle touch, or it can a psychological and symbolic that brings comfort- maybe just something Dazai complained about loudly before, and was told to 'put a bandage on it if it hurts', because that's what people tell you to do with painful limbs and tense muscles, and he listened and put it everywhere)

So sad that I have such small audiance in this circus like who do I tell my amazing take on why Dazai wears those bandages despite not having any injuries or scars under them?