#soryr i just think. um

[dtkqer]

not k ay cee tron talking about "its crazy seeing who wouldve been against the civil rights movement" mf YOUUUU cant even respect a queer mans boundaries who the fuck are you to talk about this you are insane 😭

[theosconfessions]

if youd like to read the stephens from the beginning you can over here:)

if youd like to read the stephens continued you can over here:)

@ohsosims

river- hey...

blake- oh heyyy! hey

river- hi

blake- [smirks] hi.so.

river- so feels like i havent seen you in like a month.

blake- i know..i um. i was visiting my daughter. her birthday.

river-oh!

blake- yeah so i took a few weeks and went out there. i wouldve texted you but you said you needed some time so.

river- oh yeah. i mean i didnt text you either so .

blake- right.

river- how is nellie? and her..mom?

blake- [smirks] both good. lucy still hates my guts. thought that wouldve faded in time but at least we're TALKING? i guess. cant rely on my parents to go get my kid for forever you know. so its something.

river- yeah it is. i

blake- um i missed you though... a lot

river- you did?

blake- of course i did. i was kind of nervous to come back here though. see you again.

river- what why?

blake- for one because i didnt know how much what we did would fuck with you know..us. and two i was kinda nervous that you and isla would work it out while i was gone.

river- cant see that happening.

blake- oh..sorry man..i think.

river- [smirks] youre an asshole

blake- a little bit of one yeah . anyways not that im pressuring you and if youre not ready for what im going to ask you to do with me than okay cool

river- fuck you again?

blake- RIVER! is that all you see me as?

river- shut up

blake- [laughs] no i was going ot ask if you wanted ot maybe go to the movies with me later. i think your parents are personally escorting me to a clnic before that but after? im free. i mean ..if you want.

river- like a date?

blake- yeah i um. i hope so . but if youre not cool with that then we just go as friends.

river- no i mean...

blake- no?

river- yes. no i mean yes ill go with you

blake- jesus christ you scared me

river- sorry i dont know why youre making me all flustered and shit.

blake- scoffs.. all good..no you know how i feel when im around you all of the time

river- [smirks] hey im soryr my parents are being,,,

blake- no no i told htem i would. least i could do for being a fucking idiot.

river-so..a date.

blake- so a date

[chyeyuj]

aww okay good to hear, i’m omw to eating soon actually

moving onn, i have more thoughts. well more of a question regarding a topic we touched a while ago. what type of yanderes do you think the girls would be? possesive, controlling, manipulative, sadistic, etc. do they get jealous easily? how do they confess? lmk ur thoughts on this

- 💅

okay well enjoy ur food nail anonn<3

imo, i think minji would be the possesive type. u cant tell me otherwise. she would get jealous if you make eye contact with a girl for 2 seconds. and since we're talking about YANDERE..ofc we hv to involve some killing right?? idk...eitherway, when she sees a guy trying to get your number, and also touching u almost everywhere while minji was literally looking at you..lets js say that you did not see that guy ever again..not as if u worry about him but um anyways.

ik dani would be a manipulator and sadist type of yandere. okay, heres a scenario. you and dani are in a (toxic) relationship. when you noticed how toxic the relationship was, you confronted to her about it, wanting to break up with her but she looks at you with a sad expression, with tears flowing. and saying

"why are you leaving?"

"am i a bad girlfriend?"

"ill change, i swear"

and u cant help but feel bad so you chang3d your mind. the second you walked away, a smirk forms her lips, knowing that her manipulating worked on u.

you can just imagine the sadistic side of dani because i have no idea rn😭

id say hanni is also a manipulator, just like dani. but definitely not a sadist.

soryr for not putting much on hanni's part, i just feel so tired rn and i also hope some of these thoughts can make u all wait for until i finish the requests:(

[sky-squido]

going off the post you made about how young legend looks in the update— what are your thoughts on legends age? i see a lot of people say hes in his early 20s but honestly ive always seen him being around 15-18. i think the main reason why people make him older is because the implications of him being so young- and having been on so many adventures- is just really fucked up- but like— djidhuwj8 idk words,,,, LIKE,,,, hes so expressive and hes still got that “i listen to mcr, panic at the disco and set it off” teemage spunk to him- UM SORYR I ENDED UP RAMBLONG but yea—- whats your thoughts on the gender icons age?

FSGKLHSFLGKJS this ask—

(this is the post in question for those wondering)

but yeah! i've dropped his age in a few of my fics and if i recall correctly, i usually toss him at around 18-19. some people headcanon that his adventures were all super back-to-back, but i think he had some breathing room between them. i mean he's only been on like 5 or 6 depending on how you count, he canonically started at like, what, 10? 12? they really don't take all that long, especially since link's awakening almost definitely follows phantom hourglass's "it was only ten minutes" logic. i can't imagine how that math works out without legend having some downtime to vibe a bit (and, naturally, to play with all his sick new toys because you can't give a teenager a stick that shoots fire tornadoes and expect him not to abuse that power to its fullest extent)

and i mean, you can age up legend if you want to avoid the "oh wow it's messed up for a kid to have to go through that," but when the Hero of Time is standing like three feet away, i feel like adding a few years to legend's age doesn't really add or change much. but i also stand by the fact that our boy loves what he does and has his fair share of fun, despite the pain and hardship. like yeah, it's not a fun time for any ten-year-old to watch their uncle die in a wet basement and leave them to go save the world, but, well, i've made my thoughts on all that clear elsewhere.

that's in part why seeing him so lost in this update hit me so hard. he's overcome so much but he doesn't know how to fix this one. he's tried everything he can think of and he can't make it better. and when he can't fall back on his adventuring experience, all he's got are his meager 18 years of age.

he's a hero and a living legend and more powerful than most demons could dream of becoming and a kid who's trying his best not to let everyone else see how scared he is.

i love this boy

[ousama]

#999

HI soryr i left ur server i think twice it was really cool i just do bad in big groups lol UM i really like ur art i think i found ur blog thru that its so good. insp and whatnot

[aliceyabusamesoneball]

Drip, like the how the kids say these days. When they refer to their fashion sense, Piper. I thought you were hip with the kids, Piper.

And indeed I do think you are drippin the best one drips in this mutual circle. Though I am not mutuals with you.

Do not feel pressure but I do want to reinstate again,

Do you think Manfred Von Karma from the hit game Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney is drippin?

HHELP?????/ YOURE NTO MUTUALS WITH ME........ WHO ARE YOU THEN......... HOW DO YOU KNO W MY DRIP... BUT TH NAK YOU VERY MUCH

as to manfred von karma.. umm ive never seen this man so idk let me look him up

why is the first thing that pops up death

SORYR IS THAT SPOLILER FOR SOMETHING IDK OK ANYWAYS

this is ujmm. . hes um. interesitng . his drip is ...... ok i think i mean theres nothing blaringly wrong SORRY I PEROSNLALY JUST DONT LIKE IT IT LOOKS KINDA WEIR DIM SORRY..........

[solardrink]

loving urself can be pretty hard

[springatito-moved]

i sent the mamma mia ask but i'm coming off anon after seeing your answer because i NEED to hear your mamma mia rewrite oh my god but also i don't wanna totally derail mall au because that is also so much fun

OAKY SO i havent like . writien down before so forgive if its messy But.

some sutff is on others and hes not like the only focus but he is a big focsu and its kinda like just taking the soundtrack but if the movie mamma mias plot was dsmp and dsmp was an ABBA jukebox musical. also the songs are a bit out of order fromt he movie

honey honey is liek.. q talking abt sapnap in pogtopia. (ommiting the jounral thing like jsut the song ykow)

money money money is like. used in two situations intentionally. its president tubbo (bc. ykow. goldidger and then ranboo yeah) and then nevadas q trying to get nevadas put together and ocmplainign yeah.

mamma mia is, obvously, q talking abt seeing sap n karl again and going fuckign Damnit.........

dancing queen q with cclingy yes

our last summer well sorry abt this but cslime and cq sorry

lay all your love on me well i just think its late pogtopia cquacknap .

gimme gimme gimme is ommited from here i cant fit that anywhere soryr

the name of the game csap at nevadas!q

voulez vous i alsoc ant rlly fit in

sos again csap at nevadas!q but sad

does your mother know ommited.obviousy

slipping thorugh my fingers csam and cq

the winner takes it all well obviously cq abt ckarl but probably sung at csap if that makes sense

when all is said is done . i dont like that song so im ommitiing it sorry

take a chance on me. idk.

i have a dream. idk eitehr sorry um.

[april2ndlover]

💖 💖 💖 💖 FOR U AND COOPER!!! also 💖 what do u think ur house would look like if u decorated together

💖 OUR HOUSE WOULD. it would be a weird mix of ‘i took an oath to order when i became a boyscout’ and ‘if i dont own this 87th tiny porcelain cat i will never be a complete person’. just tchotchkes all over the place but all kept neatly! i think we both see something out of place and our brain goes PUT IT AWAAAA but we’d also have completely different versions of our house in our minds so just. all day we move shit around none of us know where anything is ever and thats just fine :) also a lot of weird niche books! i cant imagine either of us having a tv i guess we just walk around a lot and do boring ppl things

💖 im one of 4 ppl that have ever seen dc without his helmet of hair gel and its cute :)

💖 also i call him dc bc i still think its funny we have the same initialsJHFSF wow his humor :heart_eyes:

💖 i dont care what anyone says im gonna play him elton john and hes gonna LIKE IT. even if he doesnt which he will bc i said so hed be like :) amazing

💖 WE LIKE TO UM. well he’s very busy when we know each other but when we have time we will just go stand outside and feel the nature and just be like Yeah :) and try to figure out what the universe has for us today

💖 i gave him a ring made out of the twisty tie of a bread loaf and a button that fell off my coat and told him to wear it next time he felt nervous and thenEHFJF HEHEHEE SORRY IM EMBARRASSED nd he wore it next time he talked to me :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

💖 I GOT TOO EMBARRASSED TO CONTINUE LOL hes gonna teach me how to tie a tie bc a man must know how to present himself in every possible situation

[misbhaves]

✉, #, ツ, % (hoseok & aki)

“✉” for a text that WASN’T SENT

AKI: so i can’t sleep and my mind gets really loud when that happens. and like i guess a lot of the things i push to the back of my mind resurface and keep me up. i keep thinking these really horrible things and i feel really overwhelmingly sad. and it’s not normal for me so i usually just pretend it isn’t happening, but you said it’s okay to be sad sometimes. it’s just that i really don’t want to be a burden and i feel like that’s all i do. idk if i feel that all the time but when i’m like this i feel… really lonely.

“#” for a RANDOM text. 

AKI: have you ever heard of tanabata?AKI: it’s the japanese star festival. hehe the name means um evening of the 7th because it’s on the 7th day of the 7th month. AKI: and like that’s because of orihime and hikoboshi, star-crossed lovers, who were torn away from each other by orihime’s father, tentei (the sky king) because she stopped weaving starry cloth for her father near the bank of amanogawaAKI: but orihime was so sad anyway and her father said they could meet once a year. but then the first time they wanted to meet they realised they couldn’t cross toward each other, and orihime cried but then magpies formed a bridge and allowed them to meet.AKI: so when it rains on tanabata it means that they couldn’t meet and have to wait a whole other year until they can. we call the rain on that day the tear of orihime and hikobichi. AKI: and people celebrate by writing their wishes on bamboo. hehe.AKI: ahhhh sorry for rambling. neko out!!!

“ツ” for an EXCITED text. 

AKI: suki! chan! guess! what!AKI: ok so first of all so so so so sorry for not telling you before but i wanted to be sure it would be recognised before telling you in case like they ended up fucking me over and you would get protective BUTAKI: like two weeks ago i was just chillin at the arcade playing some classic stargate & defender and AKI: idk how much you know about it but the all-time record is just over 500K and well under 600K and nobody has ever gotten a score like over that.AKI: at least until two weeks they didn’t! ahhhh i’m so happy T^T those 3 hours I spent at the arcade really paid off. AKI: imma buy you ice cream to celebrate and you can’t say no. ok?AKI: teehee. soryr i’m just… r eally happy.

“%” for a CURIOUS text.

AKI: this might seem like a really dumb questionAKI: and that’s because it is a dumb question and i don’t even really want to ask but now that i’ve brought up there is a question to be asked i can’t not ask or you’re gonna be wondering what i wanted to ask and your stomach will be in knots like mine is right now and it’s not a fun feeling like i couldn’t even enjoy this burrito and i love burritos.AKI: but like um. i was just wondering like, for science, mostly, ummm what are we? you and me?AKI: i know we talked about it way back when and you said you weren’t sure um what you wanted or like if you wanted butAKI:( 〃．．)  i mean not “but” !!! if you’re still there that’s fine i’m not like trying to rush you, i’m sorry.i justAKI: don’t really know where we stand with each other and i worry sometimes that i’m being too much like and it’ll get annoying but you’re too nice to tell me i annoy you so if you get sick of me you won’t even ti’ell me you probably will just disappear and likeAKI: okay no sorry that was irrational and sounded kind of manipulative. i guess i was thinking about my mom. not that you’re like my mom or anything. far from it.AKI: i guess i just worry that i’m feeling too much again and projecting those onto you sometimes. idk. ughhhh sorry. you don’t have to answer any of this crazy rambling. neko just needs sleep. so… i’ll go do that now. sorry. night-night! (●´□`)♡ sorry if i gave you a headache.

[oflngbottom]

all the texts XOXO

Send “✆” for a MORNING text.

[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : if you haven’t ate anything yet don’t.[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : come on over! i’m trying my hand at pancakes[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : ... second thought, perhaps you would like to come with me to that diner we went to. the one close to the Minstry? [ text: fortescue, alice. ] : oh and good morning alice.

Send “✉” for a text that WASN’T SENT.

[ unsent text: fortescue, alice. ] : every time i look at you, fuck, i don’t even know how to describe to you how i feel. i can’t tell you how everytime i look up and my eyes immediately gravitate to where you are or how i notice that your eyes sparkle when you get really excited about or the fact that you bury yourself with work when something is bothering you. merlin, i cannot tell you any of this.

Send “☎” for a RUSHED text.

[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : running late to the office.[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : if you get there before me, your work load for the day is on my desk.

Send “⁇” for a DRUNK text.

[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : yogu are pretty you know that?so?[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : pretty[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : im soryr zthat mi such an idiot[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : i wshould have told u this a long time ago[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : i lovje u alice

Send “✿” for a SUGGESTIVE text.

[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : how late are you planning to stay at work?[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : if you would like, you could always spend the night again...

Send “ø” for a LATE NIGHT text.

[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : i know you are still at the office alice. go home.[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : in fact, i’ll be more than happy to escort you home.

Send “✘” for a HATEFUL text.

[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : you asked if i don’t believe in you or your abilities, remember?[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : and i said that wasn’t true.[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : well it sure is now.[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : what you did was foolish, alice fortescue. you have a big target on your head.[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : i hope that this i what you wanted.

Send “#” for a RANDOM text.

[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : who do you think is the favorite?[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : me or arthur??[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : i’m trying to prove to arthur that bill likes me better.

Send “@” for a SCARED text.

[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : we go down together and we go down fighting.[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : i don’t know how much longer we have together or if we will see neville grow up and become the man i know he’ll become but just know that no matter what happens alice, i will always, always love you.  

Send “&” for a LOVING text.

[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : did you do something different today?[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : maybe with your hair... or i don’t know.[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : either way, you look beautiful, alice.

Send “%” for a CURIOUS text.

[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : quick question that has nothing to do with anything at all.[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : but let’s just say im getting flowers for someone, what kind of flowers would you give that person??? [ text: fortescue, alice. ] : don’t ask for the person’s name, that doesn’t matter.[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : what flowers would you want???

Send “ツ” for an EXCITED text.

[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : okay i don’t want to freak out[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : but i might be freaking out just a tiny bit.[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : i BELIEVE i could be up for a promotion. but i don’t know[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : i don’t want to jinx this!

Send “$” for an ACCIDENTAL text.

[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : i don’t know molly. maybe it would be best if we just ... didn’t go further. i mean, i’m her trainer for crying out loud there has to be some law that prohibits this. merlin, this was all a big mistake wasn’t it?[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : um, alice.... please ignore that text message. i was, just trying.... yeah ignore it please.

Send “♀” for a HEARTBREAKING text.

[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : i can’t be who you want to be alice.[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : perhaps it would be better if we just see other people.[ text: fortescue, alice. ] : i put in the request for a different trainer for you. i think this would be best. i’m sorry but i just -- this can’t continue.

[zrtranscripts]

Radio Abel, Season Four

Part 3 of 6

ZOE CRICK: And we've still heard nothing from Baz and Domhnall?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not a peep.

ZOE CRICK: Damn it!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mmhmm. Uh, but don't worry, citizens. We have been picking up some other broadcasts, and there's one me and Zoe think you might enjoy.

ZOE CRICK: Seems disloyal, though, doesn't it? To Baz and Domhnall?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, it's not like they knew we were listening. And you like Eloise. You said she sounded like a kindred spirit.  

ZOE CRICK: Eloise is pretty cool.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And Hugh's great, too. Now, you're going to love them, listeners, we promise. They're travelling around the country -

ZOE CRICK: No spoilers.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, okay. Well, stay tuned, and you'll find out all about Eloise and Hugh, right after this.

[static]

ELOISE: Is that better?

HUGH: There's still some interference, Eloise!

ELOISE: Well, then, stop and let me down, Hugh.

HUGH: I can't quite at the moment, my love.

ELOISE: Stop the van, you [?]. I'll drag the aerial right off the roof.

HUGH: You know I can deny you nothing, but that zom we saw, it phoned a friend! Now there's two fast ones got our scent, and they're gaining! I can't slow down!

ELOISE: If you go any faster, I'll fall off!

HUGH: I've opened the window. Can you do a Dukes of Hazzard?

ELOISE: Are you having a laugh? I'm 53!

HUGH: Now would be a good time! [ELOISE climbs in through window] Handled like a ballerina.

ELOISE: Next time, we check the bloody bushes before I climb up there. I found the problem. It was a zombie foot wedged into the aerial mount. Look! How'd a foot get onto our roof?

HUGH: Uh... maybe you should throw it out the window. With the contamination and the blood and all.

ELOISE: Oh Hugh, you're a big wuss, aren't you? Wait! That light's on. Are we transmitting? Did you hit transmit?

HUGH: Uh, I was trying to change the air conditioning.

ELOISE: Turn it off. Turn it off!

ELOISE: Hello!

HUGH: Hello.

ELOISE: I'm Eloise, and this is Hugh.

HUGH: Hello.

ELOISE: Yes, Hugh. Thank you. And thank you, the listener, for tuning in to our first show. We are travellers voyaging through the wild isles of zombie Britain in our faithful Volkswagen camper van.

HUGH: It's a Type 2.

ELOISE: Thank you, Hugh.

HUGH: With everyone dead, I thought we'd get a [?], but they're no good in the winter. And quite frankly, they're a bit slow for eluding the undead.

ELOISE: Yes, Hugh. But we were going to introduce the show.

HUGH: Oh yeah. Now, I used to be a postman, see, and I've still got my keys. So I can get into every postbox in Britain.

ELOISE: And I'm a telecomms engineer. So we've lashed a transmitter on the roof, and I've rigged up some relay stations along the road. We thought we'd do a show, to pass the time, and as a public service, you see, and we thought, "What did we used to like?"

HUGH: It was that show on Radio Stafford with that lady who answered your personal problems, Lucy Lockjaw.

ELOISE: Lucy Lockhart. Our idea is, we'll be your travelling agony aunt and uncle, bringing you wisdom from the road, and advice from the heart. So if you've got a problem, write a letter to Hugh and Eloise, and just pop it in the postbox. Everywhere we visit, we'll check all the boxes, and if your letter's there, we'll try to help! We're waiting to hear from you. And in the meantime, here's some music to keep you going. [audio clicks]

That went well, didn't it? I thought that went well.

HUGH: You didn't press it right. It's still going.

ELOISE: Oh, shit!

ELOISE: Well, a lot has happened since we last did a show. We've been coming up from the lake district, a lovely place to settle! Apart from all the zoms.

HUGH: All that moisture's hell on the axles.

ELOISE: If we were going to settle, we wouldn't do it in a camper van, now, would we? That would kind of defeat the porpoise.

HUGH: You mean purpose.

ELOISE: That's what I said.

HUGH: No. You said porpoise, like a dolphin.

ELOISE: Why would I want to defeat a dolphin?

HUGH: I don't know. You were the one who said it.

ELOISE: You always do this! You know fine well what I mean, but you pick up on a slip of the tongue and try to make me sound stupid. Any reasonable person would just take it as I meant!

HUGH: It's my Royal Mail training. When you read an address, see, you can't just guess what you think the customer meant. You have to deliver it exactly what it says on the letter!

ELOISE: Exactly where it says on the letter.

HUGH: It says it on the front.

ELOISE: There you go again. You are a pedant, Hugh Caulfield.

HUGH: Well, they never gave me a bike.

ELOISE: You're just making fun of me now.

HUGH: I might be, my love. But just remember, you're the one I voyage with every day through this cruel world.

ELOISE: Yeah, and I know where you sleep. Where did I put that zombie foot?

ELOISE: Good afternoon. I'm driving today because Hugh is busy opening your mail.

HUGH: Where'd we put them scissors?

ELOISE: They're in one of those boxes back there. Now, as you remember, we're here to answer your questions, like the agony aunt and uncle you've been deprived of since the zombie apocalypse. The idea is, if you've got a problem, whether it be about relationships, or careers, or health, or just everyday zombie matters, you write it down in your best handwriting and pop it in the postbox, addressed to Hugh and Eloise. And when we come to your town, we'll pick it up and offer you some confidential advice. Just listen in on this frequency.

HUGH: It won't be confidential, will it? If it's on the radio.

ELOISE: Well, it'll be anonymous, then.

HUGH: Yeah, but if we read a letter by Jane from Carlisle, it's going to be obvious who it is, right? I mean, there aren't many people left in Carlisle. Even less called Jane.

ELOISE: We'll use a fake name, won't we?

HUGH: Then how will they know it's their question?

ELOISE: Strike me down! They'll know because they'll hear it, won't they? They'll recognize the words, Hugh.

HUGH: Oh yeah.

ELOISE: So, have we got any first questions today?

HUGH: I'm soryr, Eloise. It's just the usual bills and charity stuff. There's this one package someone is returning to a website called Happy Tools.

ELOISE: Might be something you can use for the van.

[packaging tears]

HUGH: Oh. Oh, um....

ELOISE: What is it? Oh! My goodness!

HUGH: It might keep you happy, dear.

ELOISE: I... well, uh, well, maybe we could keep it.

HUGH: Oh, hang on. It's been used.

ELOISE: Ugh! Oh, throw it out the window. Throw it out the window!

ELOISE: People like you are why kids don't read!

[gunshots, glass shatters]

HUGH: Bugger. There goes another one. It's not the repair I hate, it's picking the little bits of glass out of my vegetables.

ELOISE: Well, she was a cranky lady.

HUGH: Nobody likes being called a fascist, dear. Not even a fascist bookseller.

ELOISE: Oh, really! What did she think we were, zombies driving about in a purple camper van? The hungry dead come to get their decaying hands on the latest Inspector Wexford?

HUGH: Well, possibly she's had previous experience with bloodthirsty raiders.

ELOISE: Bloodthirsty raiders come to pillage the largest secondhand book selection in Dumfries and Galloway? Oh, talk sense, Hugh.

HUGH: Bloodthirsty readers, then.

ELOISE: I'll bloodthirst you in a minute.

HUGH: Maybe save the pillow talk until we're off the air, my love.

ELOISE: Oh, I forgot about you and your vampire thing. [clears throat] This is an announcement for anybody requiring our services in the vicinity of Wigtown. I'm sorry to say we are unable to access the postbox because some nutter is on the roof of a bookshop, blazing away with a dangerous firearm. Yeah, that means you, lady! Get over yourself!

HUGH: We'll be around again, one day.

ELOISE: That's right, folks. You hang in there with your romantic dilemma or your baby turning gray. We'll be around again and we promise to respond to your letter in what, two years or so?

HUGH: Providing the van doesn't break down.

ELOISE: So um, just hang in there.

HUGH: Once again, I'm denied a chance to pick up the final Dick Francis.

ELOISE: Dick Francis? You only read him because you thought it gave you an edge at the bookies.

HUGH: You know what's coming up? Alloway, birthplace of Robert Burns, the Ploughman Poet, known the world over. I picked up a leaflet at the last place. It says, "His national pride, fierce egalitarianism, and quick wit have become synonymous with the Scottish national character." You can see the cottage where he was born and everything! Do you want to go?

ELOISE: Nah. You?

HUGH: Nah. Place'll be heaving with tourists.

ELOISE: [laughs] That's one good thing about the collapse of civilization.

HUGH: No tourists?

ELOISE: No poets.

HUGH: There's bound to be some bastard in one of them fortress towns knocking out free verse.

ELOISE: Doing readings to people who know it's either that, or be torn to bits by the undead outside.

HUGH: Hang on, here's a postbox. [parks van, opens door]

ELOISE: Any luck?

HUGH: No. Must have been empty when the plague hit. [starts van]

ELOISE: I really thought we'd get letters.

HUGH: We will, love. Give it time. It's only been a few weeks.

ELOISE: Deep down, I kind of knew we wouldn't.

HUGH: I know something to cheer you up! We're approaching Prestwick.

ELOISE: No!

HUGH: 100%! Prestwick Airport, the only piece of British soil upon which Elvis ever walked. And I am to know that there are no flights scheduled this afternoon, so if you're very good, I'll knock down the gate and take you on a tour of the runway.

ELOISE: Hugh Caulfield, you are the greatest man who ever walked this earth! Except Elvis, maybe.

HUGH: I'll take that.

ELOISE: If you've been listening to us for a while now, perhaps you've thought, "Yeah! I should get on the road like Hugh and Eloise and live the life of a free spirit!" But if you're thinking of leaving your nice, safe, gated community, hold your horses. It's not all picnics at sunrise and the fresh smell of pine after the rain. There's certain practical considerations.

HUGH: Any sign of them?

ELOISE: No, you're fine! Get on with it! In a camper van, your water supply is precious, and you need to preserve it. Okay, there's reservoirs and little streams, and of course, it pisses down every second day, but you try washing your smalls in an icy river come February, and frankly, a girl gets fed up of doing her big gypsy skirts in a basin the size of a grapefruit.

So every now and then, we make a special trip, and that's how we come to be parked outside the Chery Launderette. It's supposed to be the Cheery Launderette, but one of the E's has dropped off. Also, there's a lot of bloodstains in there.

Now, your average launderette don't work too well these days, what with there being no electricity. But we've got a little generator, and Hugh does some magic that only he can, so we get a couple of loads in. Well, to be honest, I could rig the same thing up easy, but who wants to spend their golden years doing electrics in launderettes? I swear - wait. Hugh! Get your ass in here!

HUGH: We're nearly at the spin cycle!

ELOISE: Sixteen shamblers incoming! Get in here!

HUGH: Oops.

ELOISE: Where's all my leggings?

HUGH: In the dryer.

ELOISE: Oh! And so, for a good half hour now, we'll be leading zoms into the suburbs until we can go back for our clothes and the genny. This is the harsh reality of life on the road.

HUGH: But it makes you smell so fresh.

ELOISE: Ah, zip it.

HUGH: Eloise, it's a very special day.

ELOISE: No, we didn't!

HUGH: I've got the letter right here.

ELOISE: No! Read it out. No, give it to me! No. Read it out. I'll drive. [starts van]

HUGH: "Dear Eloise –" Looks like this one's just for you. "Dear Eloise, it's Jasmina here. I heard you say that you are a telecomms engineer. I would like to learn that stuff so that I can help with the reconstruction of society, but how can I learn it now all the colleges have closed? Yours sincerely, Jasmina."

ELOISE: Good for you, Jasmina! We all need to find our place, and the more engineers we have, the quicker we'll get back on our feet. Before the zoms, you'd have been working on fiber and switches, setting up redundant networks and so on. But we're in a back to basics situation here. The old cables are still around, but there ain't the power to drive them, so radio makes more sense.

You don't say what age you are, but don't begin by trying to set up your own Rofflenet node. If you get stuck into the books to early, you'll maybe get bored. So go break into a toy shop or a craft shop and look for their electronics kits. Or the museum gift shop! Often, they've got a build your own radio. Follow the instructions, and try and understand how the circuit works. You can listen to our program on something you built yourself!

HUGH: Nice.

ELOISE: After that, you'll want your local library and a shop like Maplin or Radio Shack. Get a soldering iron and a suitcase worth of components. Build up the difficulty until you've done a transmitter, and then give us a call, all right?

HUGH: There's more on the back. "P.S. I am thinking of getting into Elvis, too. Can you recommend any records?"

ELOISE: Wait a minute. Let me see that. Do you think I'm daft, Hugh Caulfield? This is your handwriting.

HUGH: Uh...

ELOISE: Did you write this letter yourself?

HUGH: You wanted one so badly. I was just helping the process along.

ELOISE: You're a bloody twit. But I do love you.

ELOISE: Where are we?

HUGH: Inverkip.

ELOISE: Where's that?

HUGH: Under the ocean, it looks like.

ELOISE: I did suggest we take the other road instead up to the loch.

HUGH: Yeah, because up the hills, it didn't rain.

ELOISE: No need to take that tone.

HUGH: I wish we could find a good pub completely protected from zombie attack, so on a day like this, we could sit near the fire and get trollied.

ELOISE: A man of your ingenuity should be able to set up a pub inside a castle.

HUGH: All the good castles are taken.

ELOISE: You know that's the marina over there.

HUGH: What gave it away? All the boats?

ELOISE: You, Mister Crabby Esq., are missing the point. The owners of all these boats are most likely dead. We could have our pick. There's no reason we have to stay on land. You could load the bugger up with canned soup and lager and do what generations of weekend fisherman have done before you – sail out into the unknown waters and get wrecked. Of course, you would take that literally.

HUGH: Even in my cups, I'd be a responsible pilot.

ELOISE: Come on, let's check them.

HUGH: I think I saw a zombie on that one.

ELOISE: Really? You sure?

HUGH: Definitely. We'd better go before it smells us.

ELOISE: You just don't want to go out in the rain.

HUGH: Nothing to do with that, Eloise, nothing at all.

ELOISE: Hello. We're in some godawful bed and breakfast on the outskirts of Glasgow. I've moved the whole broadcast rig inside so we can bring you our program today, which is #2 in our occasional series: Why life on the road after the zombie apocalypse is not like the great music festivals of your youth.

HUGH: I got a bit of flu.

ELOISE: As you can perhaps hear, my handsome co-presenter is a little under the weather, as I came to realize when he nearly drove us into a hedge yesterday.

HUGH: It wasn't a hedge! It was barely a bush!

ELOISE: Camper vans are not optimized for illness. I could have made a bed for him in the back, if I'd been willing to ditch three weeks of food or 800 miles worth of petrol. [HUGH sneezes] Thank you, Hugh. Under these circumstances, a small hotel or a B&B is a good choice. They often had vacant rooms when all went to hell, so you can find somewhere clean to sleep without scraping up infected remains. And crucially, they often have private parking with a gate that locks.

HUGH: The pay-per-view's rubbish these days.

ELOISE: The what?

HUGH: The breakfast. It's the breakfast.

ELOISE: Of course, it's always on our mind that one of us might get seriously ill. All the big settlements have doctors, but they don't all welcome new faces, particularly new faces who have any symptoms that might look even a little like the gray plague. You're as likely to get shot as to get an appointment, and good luck persuading them to send the doctor out.

HUGH: [?]

ELOISE: I have no idea what he is saying. My point is, you have to be your own GP and pharmacist now. My old doc always prescribed antibiotics and never anything else. So early on, we started raiding pharmacies for antibiotics. We took a small supply and left the rest. 

As we travel around, we still look, but lately they've always been looted. So we save the antibiotics for the times it's really bad. We're not there yet, but these drugs have a shelf life. And as far as I know, nobody's making any more of them. [HUGH sneezes] 

So the message is, eat as well as you can, give your body all the rest it needs, and if you approach a settlement, do not look like a zombie on the turn.

HUGH: [?]

ELOISE: Move over, you. We might as well treat this like a holiday.

HUGH: Eloise. Eloise!

ELOISE: What?

HUGH: We got one!

ELOISE: No!

HUGH: Look!

ELOISE: This better not be another one of your fake letters to make me feel better.

HUGH: I swear! Look! "Hugh and Eloise." It was on the top, totally fresh. No stamp or nothing.

ELOISE: And really nice handwriting, look at that! Fountain pen or something. Female hand.

HUGH: Well, open it.

ELOISE: I don't know.

HUGH: What?

ELOISE: I kind of want to savor it for a minute.

HUGH: It might be urgent.

ELOISE: Hugh, we've been broadcasting for three months about our agony aunt program without getting a single inquiry. How urgent could it be?

HUGH: So are you ready yet?

ELOISE: Where did we put the letter opener?

HUGH: Use your fingers, for God's sake.

ELOISE: We might want to save this one. Frame it or something.

HUGH: Open the damn envelope.

[paper tears and rustles]

ELOISE: Do you want to read it?

HUGH: No, no, you read it.

ELOISE: [clears throat] "Dear Hugh and Eloise..."

HUGH: Well, come on!

ELOISE: "Thank you for your show. Since I found it, I listen all the time. Sometimes life can be very grim, and I get a vicarious thrill from listening to your adventures up and down the country. Please keep going and broadcasting. Yours, Louise."

HUGH: Wow, that's nice. Lovely.

ELOISE: Yeah, but... but...

HUGH: What?

ELOISE: She didn't have a problem.

ZOE CRICK: "Dear Eloise and Hugh: I'm a tightly-wound control freak who'd prefer it if all human interaction was carefully scripted, not just my radio segments. I think jokes get funnier every time you tell them, and washing up my tea mugs is for other people.

Sometimes I nod off while Jack and Eugene are acting out scenes from Thelma and Louise for us, using all the voices. And then I like to pretend I haven't, even though I've been snorning incredibly loudly. Can you help me to be a better partner to my lovely cohost?"

PHIL CHEESEMAN: "Dear Eloise and Hugh: I think I'm so funny, I laugh at my own jokes, even when no one else is laughing. Sometimes I start laughing four hours later because I've just remembered my joke again. Sometimes I do this when my best friend is trying to tell me a very serious story about his mother.

I'm so anal that I rewash anything anything else has already washed up. Also, I've alphabetized all the novelty mugs. I've recently been pretending I'm extremely well-read, but actually I just found a stash of CliffsNotes at the back of the pantry, and I don't think anyone else has realized. Can you tell me how to be a better human being?"

HUGH: Well, this is all very picture-skew.

ELOISE: You know what that is? It's the Harry Potter viaduct!

HUGH: Eh?

ELOISE: The viaduct from the films.

HUGH: What, that bridge?

ELOISE: When it's got all those arches, you call it a viaduct.

HUGH: Why did he have a bridge?

ELOISE: Who?

HUGH: Harry Potter.

ELOISE: He didn't have a bridge.

HUGH: So they named it after him?

ELOISE: It's Victorian, you wazzock! How could they name it after Harry Potter?

HUGH: I thought maybe they changed it when the film came out. For the tourists, you know.

ELOISE: They call it the Harry Potter viaduct because his train goes along it in the films!

HUGH: Oh, I got you now. When they go to his castle?

ELOISE: Who's castle? Voldemort's?

HUGH: Harry Potter's castle.

ELOISE: He doesn't have a castle.

HUGH: He does! Where all the kids go and have the big dinner.

ELOISE: That's a school! Hogwarts Academy of Magic and Witchcraft.

HUGH: That explains why they're all wearing ties.

ELOISE: We watched all the films on the telly.

HUGH: That might be one of the times when you watched them and I caught up on my snoozing.

ELOISE: Unlike those gripping times when we watched the Three Stooges.

HUGH: All right, then. Let's go to his castle while we're in the area. You got the map. Where is it? What?

HUGH: This is from Alan. "Dear Hugh and Eloise, thank you for your program. We have built a little community up here on the banks of the Ness. On the whole, we get on fine, but we do have personal disputes from time to time over issues which might seem trivial to an outsider, that take on great importance with living in such close quarters. I am sure you know all about this." No, Alan. I can honestly say that despite living full-time in a camper van, Eloise and myself never disagree.

ELOISE: You bloody liar.

HUGH: Yes, dear. Alan says, "Lately, it has become something of a big deal to decide whether Inverness is in the northeast or the northwest." Well, Alan, we've got the map here, and we will tell you exactly where you live.

ELOISE: I'm looking at it right now. I can state quite definitely that you live in the northeast. I hope that helped.

HUGH: There you are, Alan. One of our easier – wait. Northeast? You must be looking at it sideways.

ELOISE: It's on the east coast! It can hardly be on the east coast and in the northwest, now, could it?

HUGH: That's not how you work it out. You find the center point of the country and draw a line due north. Then if it's on the left, it's northwest, and if it's on the right, it's northeast. Where would you say the center of the country is?

ELOISE: I don't know! Huddersfield.

HUGH: It's about 200 miles west of Huddersfield, so it's in the northwest.

ELOISE: By that same argument, the whole of Scotland's in the northwest.

HUGH: Well, it is.

ELOISE: When you're up here, you use the center of Scotland!

HUGH: Okay. Where's that?

ELOISE: Fort William. Inverness is clearly northeast of that.

HUGH: Fort William's on the west coast, so how can that be the center of Scotland?

ELOISE: You're not allowing for the Western Isles.

HUGH: Yeah, and if you include Shetland, Inverness is at the center. Don't listen to her, Alan. You're in the northwest.

ELOISE: Northeast!

HUGH: Northwest.

ELOISE: Northeast!

HUGH: Read one out.

ELOISE: Just drive.

HUGH: This lot's been after us for half an hour. I'm bored. Read one out.

ELOISE: Hugh, will you concentrate on saving our lives?

HUGH: Not unless you read a letter.

ELOISE: No! Now shut up.

HUGH: The pressure. It's getting on my nerves, it's making me slow down. If only there was something to distract me.

ELOISE: Hugh, I swear I'll do that thing to you that you don't like.

HUGH: Just read a letter, Eloise.

ELOISE: Right. Right! "Dear Hugh and Eloise." Speed up! "Dear Hugh and Eloise, I like someone and I think we could become a couple. Frankly, neither of us has many options these days, but when we get together, there's no spark. Can you suggest a way I can spice things up and see if she's at all interested? Thank you, Mandy."

HUGH: You're the relationship expert, my love.

ELOISE: Oh, no. You wanted to hear the letter. Let's hear your romantic solution.

HUGH: Well, Mandy, it's actually very simple. [ELOISE scoffs] Some of the big settlements have runners – people that go out on missions and gather supplies. Ask your prospective mate to come out with you on a zombie run. You may find that the sheer peril of roaming undead and the looming prospect of a hideous death will bring your hearts together in a way that simple words cannot.

ELOISE: And Mandy, if that load of crap don't happen, make sure that you can run faster than this other girl. After all, it's great to be single!

ELOISE: You know what you're going to find.

HUGH: I prefer to think positive.

ELOISE: It's going to be the same as the last twelve.

HUGH: My dear, you are a beautiful woman, a charming companion, and a considerate lover, as well as no mean driver when you put your mind to it. But right now, you are throwing off my karma something awful.

ELOISE: You just have to accept that it's a good idea and somebody had it before you. Somebody who lives closer with a bigger van.

HUGH: All that means is there's a stockpile somewhere.

ELOISE: Yeah, with armed guards.

HUGH: Armed, they may be. Sober, they may not be.

ELOISE: You think a raid by a middle-aged agony aunt and her painfully obsessive husband might succeed where others have failed?

HUGH: I was thinking stealth.

ELOISE: That's it ahead. Which one's this?

HUGH: Glen Spey. Not so well-known, see, but slap-bang in the middle of the heartland.

ELOISE: The gates are off the hinges.

HUGH: Think positive.

ELOISE: That's the warehouse. The doors are open. It's empty. Cleaned out, just like the others.

HUGH: Buggeration. I'm going to check the office. There might be a special bottle or two in a drawer.

ELOISE: No, you ain't. There's something moving up there, and it's gray!

HUGH: [sighs] Where's the next one?

ELOISE: Aberlour. You get three more tries. Got that? Then we're off. Choose wisely.

HUGH: I suppose.

ELOISE: You don't even like whiskey!

HUGH: I just fancied a bottle or two. For visitors, like.

ELOISE: Visitors? Well, make sure I know when they're coming so I can freshen up the parlor!

HUGH: We've got a letter here from Angus, and he says, "Dear Hugh and Eloise, I used to eat too many convenience foods. Then I cleaned up my act and started cooking, with a consequent improvement in my health. Then civilization collapsed, and I was right back to eating from tins again. How do you make sure you get the right nutrition, especially as you are travellers of no fixed abode?"

ELOISE: What a good question. Well, there's two ways to look at that. One way is that we travel to make sure we get a varied selection of natural produce from up and down the country, and to minimize our impact on the environment.

HUGH: Yeah, that's a good way of looking at it, but it isn't true.

ELOISE: Well, it's sort of true. If we just stayed in one place, we'd probably exhaust local stocks and leave none for the next people.

HUGH: She likes them Ritz crackers. We got four boxes in the back. Not the little boxes, either. The ones they bring on the forklift.

ELOISE: Thank you, Hugh. We do cook every day on a camping stove. A lot of soups and stew and stuff, from vegetables in the fields and peoples' gardens. There was a slight plan to grow our own on the roof, but we had to give up on that before I installed the aerial.

HUGH: I took a corner too tight and we lost every last radish.

ELOISE: Hugh has been trying to grow things inside the van.

HUGH: I'm giving up on that until we can get proper hydroponics.

ELOISE: I suppose our best advice, Angus, is to become a gardener. Try a few different crops to test the soil, and build a wall around your beds to keep the zombies off.

HUGH: Zombies don't eat vegetables.

ELOISE: No, but they do eat gardeners.

HUGH: Uh, thanks for your question, Angus. Stay safe out there.

ELOISE: Hugh, don't look now, but I think we're being followed!

HUGH: What?

ELOISE: I said don't look!

HUGH: Is it zombies? We haven't got much in the tank.

ELOISE: No.

HUGH: Who is it?

ELOISE: It's the paparazzi.

HUGH: Oh. [laughs] Not again, eh?

ELOISE: I think it's the show that's the problem. Now our listenership is in the hundreds of thousands, people are thirsty for the intimate details of our glamorous life.

HUGH: Well, it's true. Every move around these rugged isles is a glittering cavalcade of drama and high fashion.

ELOISE: I'm glad I'm wearing a little Chanel number today with my matching handbag and all.

HUGH: I'm wearing Cinzano.

ELOISE: [laughs] That's a drink, you pillock.

HUGH: No, no. During my brief spell as a visiting scholar in Florence, I had something of a personal tailor who later became globally renowned. Humberto Cinzano made me many original designs.

ELOISE: I never heard of him.

HUGH: Yeah, he died.

ELOISE: Was that before or after you addressed the United Nations?

HUGH: Around the same time. What were you doing then?

ELOISE: Well, I think it's safe reveal to you now that I am a sleeper agent for the KGB.

HUGH: Your English accent's quite good.

ELOISE: [imitates Russian accent] Der Mister Caulfield, at last I have you in my grasp! My submarine is parked in the Scottish [?], or whatever it is called, and I must insist you accompany me to motherland, where I will both interrogate you and make mad passionate love to screw with your head!

HUGH: You think we could uh, [laughs] pull over for a bit? Maybe turn off the mic?

ELOISE: What about the paparazzi?

HUGH: They can take all the pictures they like.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jack and Eugene need to listen to that.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, they really do.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That'll show them.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly. Indulging in a bit of harmless, non-sexual roleplay is totally normal.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Completely! There's nothing odd about spending two hours pretending to be Dastardly and Muttley.

ZOE CRICK: Especially when you're as good at the laugh as I am. [imitates Muttley’s laugh]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And I bet lots of people pretend to be Q and M for extended periods of time. Days, even.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. We should definitely make Jack and Eugene listen to it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [gasps] Hugh and Eloise are an old married couple, though. Wouldn't that kind of be proving Jack and Eugene's point about us?

ZOE CRICK: Only if we tell them Hugh and Eloise are married.