#sorry. bitches with mommy issues go fucking insane when they see the words “i love you”

[graveyardmouth]

sorry i started ugly crying at the minecraft end poem. the universe said i love you because you are love btw.

[irandomblogfulb]

FATE: What happens when you get a bunch of middle aged white guys to adapt a cartoon for girls

Well, I just went through 6 hours of fate and I have a lot of opinions on it. Yeah, this is going to be long (slightly under 3k words) so putting it under read more and obvious spoilers.

PSA before delving right in:

1) Yes, I will be comparing to the original. Any comparisons are not through rose-tinted nostalgia glasses. There are parts here and there that I genuinely think were done better in the cartoon on a writing standpoint.

2) This is purely my opinion and overall negative. Don't like it? Don't read. I'm all up for discussion but I don't want another person crying to me about how I “ruined” their experience of the show.

3) If you like Fate then good for you. This isn’t me bashing people who like it. 

I've spit it up into sub sections just for my own convince.

1. The problem with the 'I'm not like other girls' trope

This pertains to the entire Bloom-Sky-Stella love triangle. I wasn't as pressed about it compared to other winxers (and I loved Stella's and Brandon's relationship on my rewatch). In fact, I was okay with it. But then I sat down and watched the show and there's a lot of underlying problems with the love triangle. Particularly pitting Bloom and Stella against each other for Sky's affection.

Now this part of the love triangle I already didn't like. Correct me if I'm wrong, since I dropped the OG Winx after season 5 but the Winx while they did have their conflicts and arguments, never fought over a boy. I really appreciated that from the cartoon so seeing that live action would fall into that trap – I was mildly annoyed at that. Then it hit me. It's Bloom and Stella.

The seemingly ordinary girl vs the pristine princess of Solaria. If the title didn't give it away, you should get the point by now. Others have already called it by now but the "I'm not like other girl's" trope in itself, while seemingly feminist is actually misogynist. Saying the more masculine type of girl is better than the feminine is inherently misogynist. Stella, the prime princess, girly and feminine, is villainized by the love triangle. Sky's and Stella's relationship is toxic and Stella's overt co-dependence and jealousy are already big fat red signs - but Sky's and Bloom's relationship is built on how she's "different". Bloom isn't like Stella, she's "real".

2. Am I supposed to like Riven?

As the title puts it, wtf am I supposed to feel about Riven. Is he supposed to be a good guy? Do I root for him? Is he morally ambiguous? Because holy shit compared to OG!Riven, this guy is diabolical and much much worse! OG!Riven is an asshole and he teams up with the trix but his arc was very simple and easy to understand. He joins the bad guys, distances himself from the good guys, the trix betray his ass, he self-reflects in the dungeon - escapes and redeems himself. Net!Riven is so bad to the point where you can't redeem him and the writers don't even try. Freddie Thorp is good in his role. (however, he definitely doesn't pass for a 17-year-old. He's 26 and it shows) and he actually makes the cringe dialogue work. But he's way too diabolical and downright predatory. The scene where he forces Dane to gulp down his spiked drink - it’s worse seeing it than reading it. That grossed me out more than the gore.

What makes it worse, nobody properly calls him out. Beatrix kinda does on his homophobia – “Homophobic bashing by GIF” - and Sky does chastise him, but they still tolerate him. It is kinda funny in a way Sky has a whole ass arc about how he's enabling Stella's problematic behaviour by still dating her after she blinded her friend but doesn't realize he's doing the same for Riven.

The only person that really puts her foot down with Riven is Terra and nobody takes her seriously about anything she says.

Everyone is very laissez-faire around him and that's not how you respond to your friend being problematic. (Hey, kinda like the other girls sans Aisha are with Bloom!) Everyone surrounding Riven is so disgusting and the notion of him supposedly being a good guy is very hard to buy into. His whole relationship with Dane has a section of it’s own because there’s just a lot to unpack.

3. Stella I am so sorry

I'm also in the majority hating how they've tarnished Stella. Basically, they turned her into the stereotypical rich bully with mommy issues.

I get that Stella has an abusive mom but that’s no excuse to be a total bitch to her roommates. And no, her roommates shouldn't accept her back with open arms. And she doesn't even redeem herself - the girls just accept her back after her mom pulls her from Alfea.

And this is also another issue with the writing were the characters suddenly just change their opinions on a whim. Suddenly Stella likes the winx, suddenly Terra misses Stella even though having that girl literally gives her anxiety. Suddenly Aisha's on Bloom's side in the end.

This isn't me simping for the cartoon out of nostalgia. I was mostly okay with the idea of Stella and Sky hooking up. But Looking at it from a creative standpoint - looking at the source material, and the many paths you can take this character, the best thing Brian Young and co. can think of for her was turning her into the stereotypical rich bully that we've seen time and time again? No deconstruction no meta take, it's played out exactly how you’d expect it.

Again, this isn't me simping for the show. Purely from a creative standpoint Stella was such a major let down. There's so much to the character and Brian Young took the easiest, saturated path.

4. That one scene with Bloom's parents

You know the one. Mike unhinges Bloom's bedroom doors and Vanessa cusses out and insults her child like a petty teen bully. Forgetting how utterly cringey that scene was, you can't have her mom go batshit insane on her child, then act like she's this loving parent that cares so deeply about her daughter. Screw that! Vanessa deserved those 3rd degree burns! She invaded her daughter's privacy. Bloom didn't even do anything wrong!

I can't buy into this narrative of Vanessa and Mike being loving parents when they do something like that. Seriously who thought that was okay?

5. Pity Parties for everyone.

I already discussed this in Stella’s section but I don’t like the “it’s okay for me be a shitty person because my life sucks :)” narrative Fate tries to pull. They did it with Stella, Bloom, Riven.

What I liked about the first season of Winx Club is Bloom’s arc and her character as a whole. Because while she went through shit, from the Trix, to finding out she was adopted, her existential crisis, not feeling like she belonged, losing the dragon flame, she went through a lot. She didn’t throw a pity party. She didn’t whine, bitch and complain. She allowed herself to feel upset, took it as it is and tried to make lemonade out of lemons. And I respect that.

Net!Bloom is agrevating. She does some dumb, reckless stuff but it’s excused because she’s the protagonist? She let the war criminal out, the school gets taken over by the bad guys because of Bloom. Faragonda fucking dies because she let the war criminal out! The burned ones attacked the school because she let the war criminal out!!! But no, Aisha’s villainized for calling Bloom out because Bloom’s existential crisis is more important then anything else.

Getting to Sky, he isn’t as bad as the others. He doesn’t become a shitty person because of his problems. (Though lowkey flirting with Bloom while he hooks up with Stella is uh not good.) But he does come across incredibly whiny. Because of the cringey dialogue and the unnecessary swearing  I can’t take his speech on opening up to Bloom seriously. I laughed throughout the whole thing and Bloom leaving his unconscious body there was the icing on the cake.

One of the few characters that deserved a pity party is Terra. She’s very much like OG!Bloom in a way. She is bullied by Dane and Riven, has body insecurities, anxiety, nobody listens to her and at most only tolerates her. Despite all the crap that is thrown her way she still reminds humble, kind, and respectful. And she is one of the few characters that deserves more support than what she got out of the season.

5. Bloom, Aisha, Tokenism and their awful relationship

I’m going to be upfront, their relationship sucks. The core of their dynamic is what Aisha can do for Bloom. It’s very one-sided. Bloom only goes to Aisha to help solve her problems, which Aisha gladly does – but when Aisha disagrees with Bloom or says something Bloom doesn’t like, Bloom suddenly goes off and Aisha’s made to be the bad guy. Even though she’s right? And Aisha has her own problems as well, shown to also struggle with her powers. But nope, that’s pushed to the back burner because Bloom needs help.

I am all for creative freedom. I can stomach Stella x actual Sky. I can stomach turning Stella into a rich mean girl. I can stomach the dark academia aesthetic but what Brian Young and co. did to Aisha is just plain racist. Screw the “it’s an adaptation” excuse. Turning this character who had a rich storyline and was a princess into a white girl’s magical negro who fixes all her problems is racist and by definition tokenism. And by whitewashing the other two characters of color, making Aisha the only poc in the group – that’s the worst thing you can do to her.

And frankly we need more black princesses on screen.

6. Dane and the homophobia of the show

Towards the show’s climax it’s revealed Dane is helping Beatrix because she accepts he’s “different”. Not only does this go back to my pity party rant but like bruh,

1)      Beatrix never really did anything for Dane? She hung out and smoked with him a bit, but that’s all. You’re telling me Terra wouldn’t accept Dane? Beatrix never helped him and he never really opened up to her about his struggles.

2)      Nobody else, not even background characters bully or harass Dane for being “different”. It’s only Riven, the guy he’s crushing on. The whole falling in love with the bad boy/abuser trope is bad in a hetero relationship and that still stands for a gay one. And I know damn well if Dane was a woman half of the shit Riven did to Dane wouldn’t slide.

It makes no sense for Dane to side with the bad guys when Riven’s the one bullying him and Beatrix is complacent in the bullying. Oh, and having your second black* character who’s also lgbt+/potentially questioning be a villain? Not good.

I’m all for gay and poly rep, but not like this. If Stella and Sky’s toxic relationship is going to be called out for what it is, why not Dane’s?

*Idk if Theo Graham is light-skinned black or biracial so I’ll just refer to him as black.

7. The plot

It’s very predictable. Personally, wasn’t fond of the ‘twist of a twist of a twist’ style of writing. The story tries to be nuanced and deep but it’s not. Common sense is treated like a big revelation. Not trusting the war criminal you barely know isn’t as big of a take that the writers try to make it out to be.

8.  Everything else

·       Beatrix is fine. No Icy but did like the gothic bookworm aesthetic.

·       Sam is just there to be Musa’s love interest and provide some dumb drama between Musa and Terra. I thought they’d go the Edward/Bella root – Musa’s drawn to Sam because she can’t sense his emotions for some reason. Nope, they just get together for the obligatory make out sessions. Don’t care much for the relationship or the character.

·       Since the powers are all elemental shouldn’t there be classes purely for an elemental? Classes purely for fire fairies, etc?

·       Musa’s powers are confusing. If she has no control over them and they are “always on”, shouldn’t her eyes constantly be glowing purple?  Very wishy washy. Sometimes they overwhelm her and other times she has complete control. Her character is just there for plot stuff.

·       Terra is one of the better characters but can’t enjoy her knowing about the whitewashing. Why can’t we have a plus sized character just exist and not have body issues?

·       Sky doesn’t feel like a prince. Characters treat him like his dad is a war hero and not the King of Eraklyon. There was a point where I thought I misheard and thought his dad was just a war hero and not a king.

·       Why try to justify Rosalind’s war crime if she’s going to be the big bad anyways?

·       The way the characters treat death/act around death is very weird. Musa and Terra see a pile of dead bodies and they’re unreasonable calm. Especially Bloom an “ordinary teenage girl from earth”, reacts very nonchalant when death and war crimes are brought up. Doesn’t help the show tries to push this “they’re kids fighting a war” narrative.

·       Can’t buy into the girls’ friendship. The Aisha/Bloom dynamic is centred on what Aisha can do for Bloom. Bloom only cares about herself and only goes to her friends to help with her problems. Most of Musa’s and Terra’s interaction centre around Sam. Stella didn’t care for the girls until her mom showed up and pulled a 180. The girls were quick to turn on Aisha when she sided with the adults.

·       I have no problem with technology existing but why do they have Instagram, Tiktok and Tumblr? The otherworld is a completely separated from Earth, why do they have the same technology?  

9. Brian Young, what do you mean by mature?

I grew up on the 4kids dub before transitioning to the Nick dub for season 4 and 5 then dropping the cartoon for good. So naturally on my rewatch of the cartoon I decided to go watch the RAI dub since I heard it’s more accurate and 4Kids are infamous for their horrid localisations straying too much to the source material. Upon finishing season 1 and currently watching season 2, a few things took me by surprise. For one, the cartoon is surprisingly dark. The schools are at war with the Trix and their army of Darkness, Sky almost dies in Season 2, Riven almost dies and the Trix thinks he suicided, it’s heavily implied in Season 2 Darkar murdered some of the pixies, the paedophilic undertones of Bloom and Avalon’s relationship, the list goes on.

When the interview with Brian Young came out, he said Fate would be a mature take on the cartoon. And I wondered, what did he meant by mature? Was he going to delve deeper into the darker aspects of the show, or did he mean he was going to have the girls swear and have sex? Watching Fate, I found my answer.

If you take out the gore, swearing, drug and alcohol usage from the live action, the maturity is on par with the RAI dub. The difference is in the presentation. This is what sucks about the mentality surrounding live action remakes. Because the OG!Winx was colourful with glittery transformations , was super girly and overall had a positive upbeat tone (not forgetting 2D animated) - it can’t be taken seriously. You have to strip all that, the colour, the kindness, the femininity in order to be deemed mature.

10. Wrapping up

I went into Fate expecting the worst and honestly, it wasn’t that bad. There were things I liked about it. The show looks pretty, and I did like what they were trying to do with Sky’s arc. The actors did what they could with the material. Freddie Thorp made the cringe dialogue work and Abigail Cowen proves she can carry a show as the lead.

Fate is your generic, YA, dark academia show. It follows all the tropes of the YA genre to a T. If that’s your niche, then you’ll love Fate and I’m not bashing anyone who liked it.

For me, as a creative, it doesn’t capitalise on the strengths of the source material. I’m not asking for Winx Club again, as I’ve reiterated, I’m all for creative freedom. But Brian Young, Iginio Straffi, whoever worked on this – they could’ve created something new, innovative, something that stood out from the hordes of other YA shows. They had good material in their hands! But what I got -  I’ve seen before, and I’ve seen it done better. That’s a major disappointment.

As a winx club fan, don’t bother watching this. It’s a very diluted version of the Winx. In trying to capture the interest of the adult fans who grew up with the franchise – Iginio showed how out of touch he is if he thinks this is what they wanted.

[drethanramslay]

95 & 98 for Ethan/MC pls 🥺

Thanks for the prompt Anon

You can find the prompt list here.

Taglist: @miyakokurono @trappedinfandoms @openheart12 @sekizincimektup @junggoku @ethandaddyramsey @edith-eggs1 @ethanramseysgirl (let me know if you want to be added or removed from the tag list 😊)

Warning: Long(I tried to put the keep reading tag but my damn wifi won't let me 😭), Angst and slight swearing

sorry if there are any mistakes :)

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Since that bitch of a governor had trolled them and everything had gone down south, the board decided to host a charity event.

According to Leah, a charity event back home would have been a banquet hall with a Dropbox and a couple of very persistent people who would pester you till you would go nuts.

But here, it was... different.

There was aerobatics going on in one end of the room where the stage was. The number of turns they were making on the hula hoops made Leah dizzy. People wearing designer suits and gowns were standing and chatting. The place was decorated in a very classy way, with red carpets and all. Expensive hors d'oeuvres like caviar and champagne which costed a year of her salary was being distributed.

What in the actual fuck was going on? Leah thought as she stepped into the ballroom looking around before she laid her eyes on Ethan.

Broad shoulders, strong biceps and his beard could make any woman weak.

He was wearing a navy blue tux, with a crisp white shirt. He had opened the top two buttons of the shirt and she could get a peak of his strong chest and the stray chest hair. He had gelled his hair which made him look sharper. When his gaze landed on her, the ocean blue eyes darkened as he took in what she was wearing. The primal lust he had in his eyes made her want to get down on her knees and submit to him.

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Red.

It's the colour of sin. The colour of temptation.

It was the colour of the forbidden fruit which Eve had plucked and eaten, while the devil whispered in her ears, caressing her inner desires.

Red. She was wearing red.

Ethan was standing in the corner drinking expensive scotch when he saw her enter. He almost lost it. Leah was beautiful and sexy but that night, she looked like a temptress. Testing Ethan and his self control.

Self control can go out of the window. How am I supposed to survive this evening with her looking like that?! How was he supposed to make an incoherent thought around her when she dressed up like that?!

There were very few instances when he thought Leah looked good with clothes on rather than off. He loved Leah's naked body, which he had only seen twice but in this case, he could stare at her in that gown, forever.

She had donned a blood red gown. It had extensive embroidery in it, making it look classy. The bodice was like a second skin and emphasizing her curves. It started from the neck. A shear net covered her décolletage. It was an off shoulder, with the sleeves extending down her hands, as if they were her wings.

But that was not the problem which made Ethan a walking hard on, it was the slits that ran down from a little below her waist and extended to the ground, putting those glorious, long, caramel legs on display. He wanted nothing more to throw those legs over his shoulder and eat her out.

It was going to be a miserable evening.

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As the waltz music played, Ethan summoned the courage to ask her to dance with him.

Leah was talking to a couple of investors, squeezing them for their last penny with her intellect. He was proud of his sunshine. She really was intelligent and had great people skills.

And so beautiful..

"Dr. Garcia... May I have this dance?" Ethan asked in a husky voice. Leah excused herself before turning towards Ethan with a huge smile on her face. "You may, Dr. Ramsey."

He takes her hand and leads her to the dancefloor where the couples are swaying. Ethan placed one hand on her waist and clasped her hand with the other. Leah placed her hand on his shoulders and they swayed.

Leah's forehead was at the level of Ethan's lips and she felt a ghost kiss on her crown. "You look like a goddess sunshine. So divine and gorgeous."

Leah blushed, giving him a beaming smile. "You look utterly ravishing E. So hot."

Ethan chuckled. "Your compliments always amuse me."

Their eyes met. Cool blue with warm brown, complementing each other. As they stared into each other's eyes, glancing into each other's souls, the people and the chatter faded away.

It was just Leah and Ethan.

"Sunshine, can you please stop biting your lip…it’s distracting.” Ethan said, as his eyes were on her lips. Her teeth were chewing on the luscious red lips, making them so inviting. He wanted to bite that lip.

Leah snapped out of her daydream. "Huh? How?"

"Well... It makes me want to do unspeakable things to you... Which comprises of you, me and a empty room."

Leah's body responded wildly you his words. "So what's stopping you?"

"You know why Leah." Ethan let out a sigh, staring at her lips one last time.

Leah winced and snapped out of the warm gushing feeling. All she felt was cold fury slowly settling into her veins. She was getting exhausted.

Exhausted of this game.

Exhausted of constantly being turned down.

Masking her face to an impassive expression. Her eyes hardened, putting the walls right back, to protect herself. "Ah, yes Dr. Ramsey. I see."

Ethan was confused by the sudden coolness in her tone. He searched her eyes, trying to find something but it just felt like watching a brick wall.

"Leah I-"

The music came to an end and applause resounded through the room. Naveen, wearing a kurta with a Nehru jacket walked on the stage. "Good evening and thank you for coming to this charity event. Thank you for the generous donations."

Leah stepped out of his embrace and turned on her heel and walked. Ethan was going to follow her but Naveen called him on the stage to speak a few words.

Every instinct in him was screaming to follow the woman who had his heart but he turned the other way. As he stood on the stage, he saw a blur of red leaving.

And at that moment, he felt such emptiness in his heart, it pained him.

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Leah sat on the bench, at the edge of the parking lot, away from everyone.

She needed some damn peace and quiet where she could calm down the whirlpool of emotions rushing through her veins. She took out a cigarette and lighter she had stolen from Jackie.

Leah usually didn't smoke. But at moments of stress and intense emotions, she would light a blunt or two and try to relax. To forget.

She took a deep drag, tilted her head up and let out a long puff, feeling the nicotine burning and soothing her at the same time. The familiar feeling of smoke in her lungs calmed her down.

She sat back and saw the rings of smoke floating towards the starry sky.

"Sunshine." Ethan called out.

Goddammit can't even catch a fucking break.

"What is it Ramsey?'

"Are you okay?" He asked pleadingly.

Leah laughed and Ethan looked bewildered. She stood up, with her cigarette in her hand. "Okay? Ethan I am anything but okay! I am pissed, hurt and so angry that I feel like punching your handsome face."

"I'm sorry if I hurt yo-"

"Damn you Ethan. You have that one talent of hurting me without intending to do it. The way you talk, the way you smile, the way your pupils dilate when they see me and the way your stupid arms feel around me is like a tear in my heart. It hurts so bad but I will always come back."

"I-"

"No! You will shut your trap and listen. Ethan Ramsey, you are a blind, dumb, romantic knucklehead, who has such a beautiful way with words. The way you say 'sunshine' with your dumb voice makes me swoon sooo hard. Around you I feel at a loss of words. My thoughts scramble and I lose my grip. "

"What's wrong with that?"

"See! This is what's wrong. You are so fucking blind that you can't see me totally head over heels in love with you."

"Love? BUT- but how can you love me?! It's insane."

"Yes I'm a fucking maniac and a colossal dumbfuck to fall in love with you!! And God, I know you fucking hate the entire institute of marriage and love but did that stop me? NO! You made me fall for you and I hate you for that." Leah was panting. She threw her cigarette on the ground and stomped on it.

"Ight peace out, dude." She was about to walk away but Ethan grabbed her hand.

"Sunshine, sit down."

"No I'm not-"

"Sit your ass, the fuck down." Ethan's voice trembled.

She wasn't going to win this war. So she obliged.

He sat down, and collected his thoughts. "I'm a hard ass. I have mommy issues. I lash out. I drink when I am stressed. And I can get pissed if things are not perfect... The list goes on and on... And you still love me?" Leah nodded her head and Ethan chuckled. "Goddammit sunshine. You know, I don't believe in this love institute. But... I believe in you."

"What is that supposed to mean?" She rolled her eyes and hugged herself.

"It means that I fucking lose my mind seeing men or women flirt with you. It means that when you enter the room I can't take my eyes off you. It means that I want to spend every waking moment beside you. If that's what love is....then I guess I am in love with you Leah Marianne Garcia."

Leah snapped her head towards him. "What?" She whispered out.

"I'm in love with you."

She cupped his cheeks and brought her forehead to his. "Say it again."

"I love you."

Tears streamed down her face. "I love you Ethan Jonah Ramsey. I love you so damn much."

Ethan pressed his lips to hers, tasting the tears of happiness falling down her face. It was such a tender and vulnerable moment. He never thought that he would be sitting on a bench, in a parking lot, confessing his feelings for a woman.

But Leah changed him, healed him, loved him.

He hugged her waist and kissed her harder, trying to pour all his love and affection for this beautiful woman in his arms.

"I need you..." Leah gasped.

Intertwining his fingers in hers, he pulled her towards his car, which was nearby.

He pushed her against the door and bent down to kiss her collarbone and the sweet spot under her ear. Leah let out a breathless moan and Ethan knew that they wouldn't be able to make it till his penthouse.

Opening the door of the backseat, Ethan climbed in first and grabbed Leah and placed her on his lap. Hands wandered touching and feeling. Gasps and moans filled up the small space and I love you's were exchanged.

Ethan tried to reach for the zipper of her dress, impatient to get her naked, but that just ended up in his hand getting tangled in the dress.

"Damn sunshine! Is this a dress or a trap?"

Leah laughed and tried to helped him not before banging her head on the roof of the car. "Ow." She rubbed her head and both of them burst out in peals of laughter.

Ethan kissed her lips they tried to accomodate but it was to no avail. Leah giggled and said, "Backseats aren’t as comfortable as movies make them out to be."

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[girls-love-girls1200]

24. Wendy X Reader •Realization•

Your body emitted an aura of pure happiness in that moment, the alcohol running through your veins lowering your inhibitions to a point where you were forgetting all your worries.

The feeling of letting loose had been greatly missed recently. Being submerged in assignments and studying for finals completely took over your life.

Thank God for Lisa, your best friend had gone out of her way to make space in her extremely busy schedule and forcefully remove you from your dorm room.

It kind of saddened you that your girlfriend couldn’t do the same but you also knew she was even busier than you with promoting Red Velvet’s new solo.

Of course you still spoke daily and tried your hardest to see eachother once or twice a week but it wasn’t enough for either of you, which often resulted with Wendy acting extremely possessive.

A loud sigh escaped you as you finally got to rest your feet after what felt like hours of dancing with your best friend and her band mates that had tagged along.

“I’m really sorry to burst your bubble Y/SN but you should check your phone, it’s being ringing like crazy since you left for the dance floor.”

Rosè had to yell so that she could be heard over the loud music in the club.

A light feeling of dread bubbled in your chest at her words, knowing there was only one person that would call you so many times in the space of a few hours.

You felt the girls’ eyes on you while you rummaged through your handbag, Wendy always said it must be magic or something for it to contain so many ramdom things.

When you finally found the device you’re good mood dissipated in an instant.

12 missed calles from: Wendy💕

11 new messages from: Wendy💕

Wendy 💕 11:31 Where are you?

Wendy 💕 11:48 Are you with Lisa?

Wendy 💕 11:52 Anyone else?

Wendy 💕 11:59 Why aren’t you answering me?

Wendy 💕 12:06 Fine, ignore me like always

Wendy 💕 12:13 Just pick up the damn phone Y/N

Wendy 💕 12:13 Come home pls

Wendy 💕 12:14 I want to spend some time with you

Wendy 💕 12:27 Answer or I’ll track your damn phone

Wendy 💕 12:35 ?????

Wendy 💕 12:48 I’m coming to pick you up

“Y/N this is not okay, she’s clearly insane... How can you deal with this?”

Jennie’s voice made you jump, a frown on your face as the buzz from the alcohol had completely left your body.

Hands shaking in frustration you picked up your belongings and made your way around the table to say your goodbyes.

“She’s not used to us not being around eachother that much, she worries and sometimes too much.”

Your arms wrapped around Jennie’s smaller figure as she placed a soft kiss on your collarbone,

“But you love her.”

You managed to smile as you looked down at her,

“That I do, now come wait with me outside Lalisa.”

Your best friend smiled softly at you before wrapping her arm around your waist and leading you towards the exit, leaving the flashing lights, loud music and grinding bodies behind you.

Your breath morphed into little clouds as you stood outside, hands shoved in your pockets and backs against the wall, Lisa’s head resting on your shoulder as you both stood in silence, admiring the city life around you.

“I hate your stupid girlfriend when she acts like this.”

You stood up straight at her sudden outburst and took notice of the pissed off expression on her face,

“She always has to ruin our good time, I barely get to see you too you know?

But you don’t see me complaining or acting like a jealous bitch.”

“Watch your mouth Lalisa.”

Her big eyes met your own,

“No, because it’s always me that picks up the pieces when you guys fight over her stupid ass behavior, and she gets away with it every single time Y/N.”

Her voice softened at the hurt expression in your eyes,

“I’m just tired of seeing you getting hurt by her.”

Tears pooled at your eyes as the realization hit you and in a second you were in your best friend’s arms, trying your best not to break down as you thanked her for always being the best.

Your moment was interrupted by a car with tinted windows pulling up in front of the club and honking twice.

The passengers window lowering and your girlfriend sitting in the drivers seat with an unreadable expression in her eyes.

“Get in.”

Your body immediately detached from Lisa’s and in a second you were inside the car, driving away in complete silence.

“Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

Wendy’s eyes were trained on the road in front of her, not even spearing you a glance.

“I was having fun Wendy, why is it so hard for you to just let me be?”

Your hard tone didn’t even affect her as she kept on staring straight ahead,

“I can’t believe you can be so immature at times Y/N, I was just worried about you okay?”

Wendy’s hand made its way on your thigh, drawing small patterns close to your center, breath hitching in your throat.

A hard slap made her remove her hand immediately and finally look at you in the face,

“No Wendy!

I’m done playing your stupid games, you either stop acting like a jealous possessive bitch or I am done with this, I’m tired of hurting because of you.”

The car screeched to a halt, by a stroke of luck right in front of your apartment block.

Silence filled the vehicle, Wendy’s knuckles whitening from her deathly grip on the steering wheel, lips pressed tight as though she was holding back.

Your composure crumbled as a tear left your eye, you hated feeling so weak in front of her.

“I wouldn’t be so possessive if I were sure you wouldn’t go fucking every girl out there trying to fix your stupid ass mommy issues, your mother was a smart woman.

She never cared about you, so why would I?”

Something inside you cracked at her words, Wendy’s eyes widened, realizing how low she had swooped.

Your broken figure stayed frozen in the car seat, the outburst taking its time to sink in.

“I’m so sorry Y/N, I didn’t mean that I swear.”

A tentative hand stretched towards your face, you flinched.

“Please Y/N believe me, I’ve been under so much pressure from work and having to make sure I look perfect every day it’s taking a toll on me, I miss you by my side every day.”

Your eyes never met hers, staring straight ahead you felt your hands shaking from emotion, your chest tightening as the tears started running down your face.

Not wanting to show Wendy how much she had actually hurt you, your fingers reached for the door handle, head ducked low you hurriedly exited the car, a sob escaping you while your girlfriend continued apologizing, her words mixed with her own sobs, muffled as soon as you slammed the door shut.

Feet moving automatically towards your apartment, the cold air making your tears burn as they ran down your face.

Wendy’s heart felt like it was being strangled with barbed wire, her palms collided against the steering wheel, frustration seeping through her pores.

You drove her insane. She had never been a jealous person before she started dating you, but the feelings involved were something so strong Wendy was absolutely terrified of losing you.

As the realization that she was slowly destroying your relationship set in, one thing was clear in her mind.

She had to fix this.

[serenagaywaterford]

6) a flip of the dime. The nasty parts were always there, but he concealed/controlled them. Maybe bc said parts wouldn't exactly make him endearing to others? Anyhow, your interpretation makes him quite the interesting antagonist/villain, so I'm rolling with it, lol. /// There was another thing that was bugging me about S2: the baby's name. Obviously, Serena chose Nic(h)ole as a "fuck you" to Fred. But June in the finale? Of course, she stuck to it for Nick's sake, but also bc she recognized

7) Serena’s selfless (well, if you can call it that) act. Thoughts on this? /// As for your older responses, I forgot to describe what an epiphany it was for me to realize the significance of Serena’s use of the word “rape” for the first time. The anger I felt after 2x10 blinded me to the VERY OBVIOUS connection between her realization in 2x10 and her outburst in 2x11. (Silly me!) Imagine how much more intense that fight would have been if they included the marital rape. I remember a writer

8) that June didn’t kill Serena, bc she actually felt sorry for her in that episode. (Ngl, June’s kindness baffles me at times.) I knew that she wasn’t gonna do it of course, but it was 50/50 whether I wanted her to shoot them or not. /// Something I have not addressed so far is how lukewarm I found their explanation for June getting away with all the shit she does. Well, she’s no Janine (who loses an eye) or Emily (who gets mutilated), but still. Like you said, Serena and Fred might get away

9) get away with a lot more bc of their privilege, but June? Hm. // I’ll start quoting later (or maaaybe tomorrow).

———–

I always thought that was a really weird sort of thing for June to do. And it seems to be entirely because of Serena? Like, it was Holly, Holly, Holly. Even when she was talking to Nick. Then she has the exchange with Serena, and suddenly she adopts Serena’s supreme dickmove of a babyname? 

And I LIKED Holly. It meant something. Nichole (I HATE THAT SPELLING SFM LMAO) means nothing to June? Can you imagine the convo: 

“Mommy, why am I called Nichole?”

“Well, baby, you see, your Daddy’s name is Nick, so the lady that stole you decided to name you after him to eternally piss off her husband who she clearly hates and wanted him to be reminded that he’s impotent every time he looks at you.”

Like, on the one hand, Serena is fucking brilliant and it just shows the extent of her hatred for Fred. But then it’s kinda shitty to use a child as a pawn in that.

Then again, maybe there’s another reason Serena chose that name? I know there’s like a whole history about St. Nicholas and his role as a patron saint of childless couples, or something. (I can’t recall exactly rn). And there was something about St. Nicolette and babies. (Which is where the names Nicole and Collette come from.) Something like she raised a dead baby back to life. So, I guess, at a stretch perhaps that was her inspiration? I doubt it, knowing Serena. LOL.

It’s really curious June’s decision though. Despite EVERYTHING Serena’s done, June just wipes it clean and names her fucking baby after Serena’s choice? Maybe she was trying to retain the memory of Nick for Nichole? I dunno. And not only that, but she seemed 100% genuine when she said that farewell blessing and held Serena’s hand (again). 

I dunno, June’s own preoccupation with Serena is something I don’t truly understand but she clearly thinks there’s some odd connection or something. It’s funny cos I was reading a review about S2 and June’s choices in the finale, and her constant support of Serena despite ALL the reasons not to, and lemme see if I can find it… 

 Nah. I can’t. Anyway, it was something about how we all know June’s going back for Hannah, but this writer thought June was also going back for Serena.

I’m not convinced about that tbh, but I can see the argument cos June is strangely protective and compassionate towards Serena considering. I just have a sinking feeling that the show is gonna play that “Oops, Serena is evil again!! SHE WAY MAD JUNE GIVE BABBY AWAY trolololol!!!!” and make her despicable in order to get Nicole back. If that is the case, I’m gonna roll my eyes right outta my head. I have no issue with Serena having regrets, tbh. I think that’s pretty understandable and expected. But having Serena go hogwild with abuse and using Fred’s power to get back at June or something is just going to fucking piss me off cos like, c’mon my dudes, been there, done that. Over and over already. It’s the 3rd season and either you’re gonna put this bitch on a mild redemption arc or you’re gonna make her a full-on villain. Make up your minds. The will-she, won’t-she thing is old by now.

I dunno that was a random OT rant.

Also, TRUTH! Serena’s use of the word “rape” was important. Like, part of me is like DUH how did you JUST figure that out?! And, honestly I feel like the marital rape is sort of necessary for Serena’s epiphany to get recognised. I think, Serena is just wilfully ignorant enough to not truly consider the Ceremony rape. I honestly do not think she totally understood what she was suggesting with the 2x10 rape. (Serena really does lack forethought for like…all of her actions. That’s sorta her whole problem.) I think she thought it would be just like a sort of unsanctioned ceremony. But by the end she did seem to recognise what it truly was. And having her raped by Fred in the previous episode would have really helped with that. (Then again, it’s really hard to understand how a woman who was just raped turns around and basically suggests it. And this person is supposed to be not Satan. A pure evil woman sure. But Serena’s not meant to be that.)

I think Yvonne’s delivery of the line was interesting too. Part of it was like, “HOly shit it was rape” and part of it was like, “ha! you’re a monster!! you did that!” Like she had no culpability in it. I want to know if Serena has realised that ALL ceremonies are RAPE yet. I wonder if she’s got there. I’m not totally convinced she has. But��� I dunno.

Oh! I hadn’t read that about June’s reasoning! That’s interesting. I mean, it fits with June overall but it’s a very odd thing. Like, to be holding a gun trained on the couple that literally held you down and raped you not 24 hours earlier… and feel SORRY for the woman (whereas the general population’s consensus is that Serena is even worse than Fred for doing that to another woman)? I went and watched it after reading your message I didn’t really see that on June’s face. (But that’s really neither here nor there since editing, directing, etc. all differs from what the writers/showrunners had in mind and those are the guys doing the interviews!)  I take that back! I watched it again and I can deffo see that if that’s what they were going for. Totally missed it and likely wouldn’t have picked up on it if not for this convo.

That said, I totally see June reasoning it out that way. For some strange reason, whether it’s Stockholm Syndrome or whatever, June seems to have a blindspot/softspot for Serena and she seems to have unlimited Get Out Of Jail Free cards for her. Like, c’mon, she literally held her down to be brutally raped, and at this point it seems like Serena could murder June and June’s ghost would just be like, “Hey youuuuu, wanna be my bestie in overthrowing the patriarchy?” (Okay, I’m not at all complaining cos I love their dynamic and I ship them soooooo… lol. On a personal level, it works very well for me and my crackshippy fantasies. I choose to believe June honestly sees something nobody else does and believes in Serena’s capacity for redemption–WHICH IS INSANE. But hey. I love it.)

So, for June to feel sorry for Serena, even after everything really does fit when you think about it. And also when you think about book!June’s attitude towards true power being in forgiveness.

I remember sitting around watching the ep the first time and thinking “I don’t want June to shoot them and be a killer” but also, “WHY ISN’T SHE SHOOTING THE FUCKING PLACE UP! DOES SHE NOT WANT TO ESCAPE????” And I was sitting there with the wifey and she was like, “She can’t. What if she misses? Then you’ve got 2 incredibly angry people chasing you.” And I was like… “Uh. Reload? Shoot them as they’re coming up the stairs.”

Because I have never fired a gun in my life so to me it seems really easy lmao. But to me, I didn’t even care about her shooting Serena but I did have an inkling she didn’t want to shoot Serena with the amount she paused. That would have been a perfect shot with teh type of ammo to take out –or at least injure– two people at once. I was like, “You gotta kill Fred and Serena is pretty useless then. It’s not like they have mobile phones! You can then choose to leave Serena to die there lol, or hostage her. And steal the car. You could get pretty far since nobody knows that Fred/Serena are even there.” To me, rationally, it didnt’ make sense not to shoot them. But… emotionally, obvs, I knew she wouldn’t cos a)the series would like… end rather abruptly lol, and b) that’s just not June.

AND yeah, June getting away with all her bullshit is insane in comparison. Janine literally lost an eye for backtalking once at the Red Centre! June has, well, done so much more and just kind skates away from ALL serious punishment. (Well, living with Fred and Serena is a pretty awful punishment in general.) And, sure part of it was cos she was preggers but … how Aunt Lydia/Fred/Serena/TPTB trust this crazy Handmaid not to KEEP breaking the rules is insane. I feel like nobody would trust her to just be a docile little thing after running away for 92 days. Not even Pervy Freddo. Despite all his creeptastic fetishes, he’d be like, “OMG she is way too high maintenance. i just don’t have the patience. give me that baby so i can shut my annoying wife up and then get me another more docile babyslave to play Scrabble and shave!” The plot armour is strong in this one!

Anyway! I got a bit carried away there…

[psychoticprettygirl]

On The Eve Of Death

A short story by me, Angel Harris :)

Summary: Cuz, like, nigga dead cracked and dipped and like, that’s foul cuz now she losing two niggas and like yo. -nesto

Preview:

“I find you more interesting than industrial psychology 3.”

And in his defense, I probably was. His face was almost sheepish but it was bullshit.

Pursing my lips, I sighed, “Is this the part where I’m supposed to get butterflies in my stomach because a man thinks I’m special?”

His eyes carefully trailed me. I wish it was in a creepy way but he just looked to be analyzing me, like I was something he could not figure out or like there was something he wished to say but couldn’t.

“You need help,” I turned away, continuing my rapid pace towards anywhere that was not this building. It gave me depressing vibrations and I had no signal to see if Lucy messaged me back yet.

“Is this your way of ignoring the attraction you feel for me?”

It had been a joking inquiry but I stopped not believing that someone could actually say shit like that, “I don’t-“

“Are we lying now?”

He never lies.

I did find him striking. Even on his ugly days, like that day, hair oily and slicked back into a high bun, in a black sweatshirt, black joggers and black fucking designer sneakers- he was still attractive with his piercing eyes and a jawline crafted by some omniscient being.

He was fine even if he was pasty.

His personality on the other hand was entirely another problem that required me to take a trip to a monastery to become one with my inner most peaceful thoughts.

“You look like you bite clits for pleasure?” I stepped around him.

His laugh was like a hoot before it turned boisterous. “Are you trying to find out?” he managed out. “You look like the type that likes it.”

Long legs were the devil I quickly found as he did not relent.

He was a friend of a friend. A friend of the friend I had not seen in a week.

Tall, slim, fine light hair, sophisticated grey eyes, disgustingly attractive, always around and an overall nuisance.

Though he feigned ignorance, he knew where Lucian was, and since I had questioned him outside of our class, he had decided to make himself comfortable in my life.

I had left “Lucy” alone for a week because alone time was important for my best friend, especially within the last couple of years for he usually ended up uttering words he really meant and acting without thought, both of which were thoroughly dangerous as the softest people tended to have the hardest bite.

“I’ll break your heart,” I finally said after chewing the head off of my Swedish Fish, grimacing later as the overly confident words slipped from between my teeth.

I didn’t even know if I meant them but it felt right to say in the moment.

Of course it was not though because his lips spread into a wicked smirk that could stun.

His look of arrogance made me want to hit the shit out of him but my eyes floated down to my book severing our gaze- Shakespeare had said no.

We were in the dull ugly library that smelled of stale books.

It was not congruent to learning in the least but I swore that he would not approach me there.

He had to have thought that we were friends, appearing at the most odd times, making me feel surrounded.

Maybe we were. I don’t know because he wasn’t uncomfortable to me. A lot? Sure. He was heavy, but only to me it seemed for he had the ability to give any room as much life as he could effortlessly take away with cutthroat honesty and lack of consideration.

I never understood how someone as kind as Lucian could stomach his condescension, to which Lucy would reply that we were the same; both insufferable know-it-alls with a disgusting affinity for knowledge and large quantities of curiosity.

Preferring his sanity intact, Lucian never tried to bring us together or ask us to chill at the same time but since he ghosted me, just the opposite of that seemed to happen.

It was my fault. I thought that he would tell me. He always knew- like a sort of bro code- mental connection thing that I did not have despite mine and my best friend’s decade long friendship.

“It’s already broken.” It was as if the asshole had purred the words, swiping a piece of candy, shaking me from my thoughts.

Smacking his hand away, I snorted in response, predicting his entire game before he spat it.

He sounded just like every other guy that tried to get at me and stupid as I was, like everyone is at some point in their life, I entertained his pseudo sob story.

“Who broke your heart?” I ignored the ringing in my ears that told me to just pack up my work and exit-, allowing myself to continue to put my foot in my mouth.

It was an inquiry that I may have been asked a dozen times- something about my frigid “bitch” demeanor people loved to tell me I had, though I never recalled asking for the input.

From under my lashes, I noticed his body shaking with light humor, wispy white hair falling into his eyes that were twinkling with mischief.

“Myself.”

I scoffed at his response, shuffling my books together.

In three days, I had a 46 page thesis paper due on passivity and human emotions. There had been no time for me to be his source of entertainment for however long he chose to be bored.

“Are you leaving so soon?” his voice sounded of a sweet innocence I knew not one bone in his body harbored.

“I am busy and you’re not only disrupting me, you’re disturbing me,” I bristled.

“I apologize-”

“Why? You’re not sorry. Don’t say things you don’t mean. You’ll end up breaking your own heart again,” I mimicked in his voice rather immaturely.

“You are different,” he remarked.

My eye roll was absolutely glamourous. I knew I wasn’t the same but the technicalities of individuality are a little elusive and narcissistic.

“Yeah.” I took my books and left.

It’s what I should’ve done but I didn’t. I would allow him to pull me into his stories, slowly unraveling my life right before his hard eyes.

He was charming with mystery and amusement; reserved, unashamed, and even ruthless at times.

“I don’t understand why you stay stuck in your head. Worry will get you absolutely nowhere besides in a dark room with a bottle of Advil avoiding the beautiful lights of life,” he spoke twirling his hands as if the dreadful room was the garden of Eden.

“You know what your problem is?” I leaned towards him, voice low but my green eyes carefully watching to see if his would wander down my shirt.

They didn’t. He looked straight towards me with contrived boredom even though I knew he liked me.

“No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me,” his voice was layered with irked exhaustion as I stood.

“You’re scared. You feel like there is always something better.”

He raised his left eyebrow which I thought was weird as most people tended to raise their right.

“Tell me more about myself.”

I fell into a second trap halting, simpering down.

I told him how he would always be miserable in life if he kept searching for the perfect destination or outcome. I went on about how life wasn’t about that, how it’s supposed to be a journey and the only peaceful end that is guaranteed is death.

I supposed in all of its poetry that it was beautiful- the concept of life and beyond.

“You fear death too,” I threw back at him as he raised to follow me.

“Go on, tell me about my tragic back story as well,” he teased with a harsh edge in his tone, pulling out a cigarette that he never lit. “Tell me that I’ve grown up either deprived or too overindulged.”

Rolling his eyes, he continued, keeping pace as we neared the entrance, “You can always figure a person out. There are always two options and both have bad to them because that’s life.”

He opening the door but leaned towards me before allowing me to completely pass, jerking his thumb back to the girl near the table we previously occupied, the ciggy perched in-between his index and middle finger. “You’re no smarter than Becky over there sweating profusely about polynomials.”

I gritted my teeth.

He would always find a way to switch it back to me so asked if I was wrong, knowing that he never lied. “I didn’t say that but when you speak so broadly, you’re never truly incorrect.”

“I never said I was fair,” I resumed my steps, pushing him out of the way, exiting out of the library.

“And I don’t fear death,” he added frowning, slipping the unlit stick past his lips, offended, though I didn’t understand why. Death was a common thing to fear.

“Why would I fear one of the only two gods we know exists?” he questioned me as if I was insane, grey eyes fluttering with a certain chaos I had never seen.

He seemed to recognize his emerging emotion and clamped down on them. As fast as any of his complexities appeared, they vanished.

Trying to pull it back because I am some sort of masochist, I probed, “What’s the other god you believe exists?”

He was not a religious person so I was confused. The idea of him believing in God or gods was comical with his lifestyle of booze, bitches and the occasional narcotic.

“Woman.”

“Excuse me,” I stopped, thinking he called me.

“I believe in only death and women,“ he clarified.

My face had bunched up in confusion after that and only broke once to laugh after he uttered, “Death is the only thing that is promised to me and I love promises.” .

Taking my amusement as encouragement, he continued with a thrilled charm, “And women carry life within them. I mean we help,” he pointed at himself, a male. “But it doesn’t sit inside of us. People always talk great shit about this god and how he created life but it’s harder to carry something, travel with it, let it render inside of you than to just produce it out of thin air. If you think morbidly- a child is like a parasite but the potential- females grow with life,” he paused, “I find that infinitely more taxing and beautiful.”

He shrugged easily, knowing he had caught me.

“Oh.”

“Oh,” he mimicked.

“You’re interesting,” I stated bitterly, mirroring his previous words.

“You know what’s even more interesting? I have mommy issues,” he whispered, laughing as my brows had furrowed.

Week Two and still no Lucian.

“What are you doing, stalker?” I questioned, rushing out of my literature classroom.

“Stalker? Really?” he made a face, sticking his hand out, motioning towards the parallel room, “I have a lecture right across the way.”

I did not know that and I didn’t care then.

Falling into line with my fast strides, he continued his verbal assault on my tranquility, “Saw you looking like you wanted to jump out of the window, thought I’d brighten up your day.”

“You thought wrong,” I replied, quick and snappy.

“I like you, Evie.”

I knew that.

Not bothering to look at him, I told him that his affection for me was personal thinking that he would fuck right off but he did not.

“Don’t you have class or something?” I turned around curtly, facing him and his abnormally tall form.

“I find you more interesting than industrial psychology 3.”

And in his defense, I probably was. His face was almost sheepish but it was bullshit.

Pursing my lips, I sighed, “Is this the part where I’m supposed to get butterflies in my stomach because a man thinks I’m special?”

His eyes carefully trailed me. I wish it was in a creepy way but he just looked to be analyzing me, like I was something he could not figure out or like there was something he wished to say but couldn’t.

“You need help,” I turned away, continuing my rapid pace towards anywhere that was not this building. It gave me depressing vibrations and I had no signal to see if Lucy messaged me back yet.

“Is this your way of ignoring the attraction you feel for me?”

It had been a joking inquiry but I stopped not believing that someone could actually say shit like that, “I don’t-“

“Are we lying now?”

He never lies.

I did find him striking. Even on his ugly days, like that day, hair oily and slicked back into a high bun, in a black sweatshirt, black joggers and black fucking designer sneakers- he was still attractive with his piercing eyes and a jawline crafted by some omniscient being.

He was fine even if he was pasty.

His personality on the other hand was entirely another problem that required me to take a trip to a monastery to become one with my inner most peaceful thoughts.

“You look like you bite clits for pleasure?” I stepped around him.

His laugh was like a hoot before it turned boisterous. “Are you trying to find out?” he managed out. “You look like the type that likes it.”

Long legs were the devil I quickly found as he did not relent.

“Back off, dusty,” I said firmly.

He stopped.

I never quite understood why those words made him go away or, I guess, which made him go away; the back off or the fact that I called him dusty.

Within the next two weeks, I saw him, perhaps, once, twice?

He never bothered to speak to me again in school.

I never thought I would be like one of those girls; those idiot heroines in every YA novel I had read when I was 15; frustrated because the guy I thought I hated stopped bothering me when I told him to go away.

So, of course, out of my gross inquisitiveness I peeked into his classroom- across the way.

When he caught me snooping, one side of his mouth curled upwards before he leaned back and pretended I did not exist.

I thought I lost my mind, I must have, actually, so instead of texting Lucy again, I went to his apartment with his favorite lentil soup and salty crackers from my job, convincing myself that he had to be sick after his depression hiatus because it was about to be a month and no word.

After 15 minutes of normal knocking, I assumed that he was asleep and started banging on his shit.

In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have done that- it was a few minutes after midnight and the hallway was grimy.

30 minutes in, I started calling out his name like that would make him be home.

I don’t even remember if I was scared that he showed up like some forsaken demon.

I had completely forgotten that he ended up moving into the adjacent apartment until he opened the door, his hair in a disarray, pulling on a black tee before I got to see if his happy trail was darker than the mop on top of his head.

I had jumped to his attention when his voice hissed, “You don’t have the fucking key?”

Stunned that he even uttered a word to me, I shook my head.

He slammed the green industrial looking door in my face as I stepped forward, reappearing only moments after with a shiny silver key and another unlit cigarette in his mouth.

He stepped past me and I covered up the sting of betrayal at the fact he had a key and I did not. I focused on happiness for I wouldn’t have to go home with a tin of saltines and sudoku. But as I placed my stuff down, taking off my jacket, he grounded out, “You going to make yourself comfortable? What if he brings home a girl?”

I clamped my teeth together and stopped myself from saying that Lucian was not a slut like him but I didn’t actually know anymore- we had a don’t ask, don’t tell policy nowadays- so I ignored him.

Stomping my way towards Lucy’s bedroom, I pushed the door open to see the state of his life and it was pretty okay. Maybe he was bringing home a girl. Nothing was too out of place and his bed was made and I was okay until I saw empty pill bottles on his night stand.

I didn’t even look at the names before I stormed out of the bedroom and hauled them at him.

I missed because I have shitty aim but he still yelled at me, “What the fuck?!”

His face went red and puckered up as my eyes watered.

I didn’t even read the prescription- thinking they were some bullshit drug that they he gave my best friend for shits and giggles. I should have read them.

I grabbed my bag, quickly, leaving the food and him.

“You can’t save everyone, Evie. Especially those that don’t want help,” I heard him call out.

Four days later, Lucian sat down in front of me.

We were in one of the nicer corridors, ones with windows and it was bright.

“Hey,” he smiled and it reached his eyes but he still looked tired. I could tell because his shirt was wrinkled and his beanie was full of lint.

I didn’t respond so he nudged me and apologized.

I didn’t accept.

“I wasn’t out fucking bitches,” he tried to laugh but ended up scrunching his face in pain.

My resolve crumbled. I leaned forward to place a hand on him as if my touch would tell me what was wrong.

“Pulled a muscle and I’ve just been out of it- I- Don’t let him get to you by the way. He told me that-”

I just held my hand up for him to stop speaking. I didn’t care about that anymore.

Lucy slapped my hand away. “I love you, you know that right?”

I remember trying really hard to stay mad at him but his amber eyes reeked of the only home I had known since I was 11 and his smile- it was toothy, lined with so much sneakiness that I felt my somberness leave my body and giddiness enter.

I missed him and instead of answering questions, my best friend told me to pick up Twizzlers and to meet him at his place at 7pm to watch a new anime.

I never saw him leave because I did first, for class, and on my way I saw him.

He was sketching something and I tried to turn my nosiness off but he stopped me with his long ass leg.

“You’re welcome.”

I stepped over his black denim clad limb and kept going but I eventually saw him there that night too.

The arguing over videogames and the show adaptation of Violet Evergarden was foreplay apparently because that was the first night we fucked.

I remember sitting on the sofa next to Lucian as he scrolled through Netflix. I shouted every time I thought he passed something interesting and he would tell me that it was wack and kept going until Lucy took the remote from him.

I also remember him telling me that all the ends of the ones I were picking were the same- thought they weren’t.

He looked at me and said that they all ended, they were over, discontinued, cancelled- whatever.

Lucy then took the remote and found an ongoing one while shoving a big ass spoon of orange sherbet in my mouth.

“She needs something larger in her mouth if you are ever going to get her to shut the fuck up.”

I remember rolling my eyes and reaching for a anything to throw at him but Lucy threw a pillow as if it was going to do the damage I wanted.

We ended up watching ancient aliens, because we couldn’t agree on anything else, until Lucian fell asleep.

I know I dozed at one point and woke up to him on the floor, staring up at the ceiling as the dude with spikey hair was saying “it had to be aliens.”

I played with Lucy’s oddly thin curls until he arose and walked to the counter that held our Thai food from earlier.

I remember stumbling after him into his apartment, arguing that he wasn’t allowed to take my spring rolls.

I swung on him, and he backed me into the door and told me I was a stupid progressive and that I should be thankful that he was him because another guy would have swung back.

He wasn’t wrong but everything he was saying seemed to be invalid for he stalked me like I was his prey after that. He moved in close step with me, eyes stony, and lips in a tight line. His breath was too hot on my face, his fingers too cold around my fist and though he didn’t look it, he was strong because he was able to pin me against the entrance with just his hips.

I found a way to wiggle myself out and shove him away and that must have started the resistance because we were fighting, I remember yelling at him, maybe about Lucian, perhaps about how disgustingly clean his place was or maybe even how perfectly out of place his hair was, I don’t remember.

I just know that we were fighting and then were fucking and that he did not bite clits and that his happy trail was indeed darker than the hair on his head.

In life you always have to do things you don’t want.

I told him that in the midst an argument in Lucy’s apartment.

We had gotten frighteningly more hostile despite the fact that every time our best friend fell asleep, we would tiptoe into his apartment and his teeth would mark my neck while his fingers would play in between my thighs.

We fell into a routine.

“Who says?” he asked me as if I was wrong.

“It is just how it is,” I snapped at him while Lucy waved us off and went to get something from his room.

He repeated his inquiry and I got annoyed because shit happens in life.

“And in death?”

I ignored him because sometimes you just have to do shit, like go to church with your grandparents on Easter Sunday or take a test for a class but then again, I had never heard of him having to do any of that.

He seemed to just be able to float by in class and like Lucian and I, his family was virtually non-existent.

“Is this your white privilege asking?” I threw at him, hoping that he would shut the fuck up with his breeze of a life as some of us had to work our asses off to get by.

“Is this your racial ambiguity discoursing?” he motioned towards my poof of red frizzy hair, tan skin and emerald eyes.

“Enough enough,” Lucy drawled out watching my jaw clench in frustration.

After this conversation, I realized that he never did anything that didn’t please him.

If he did not feel like going to class, he didn’t. If he did not wish to work, he called out without care. If he felt like crossing the street during a greenlight, he would play frogger as if the whole world answered to him.

He did not lie to please or appeal to anyone. He just acted.

One night, he called me, and I had questioned as to why and the response was as simple as everything in his life. He wanted to.

Not that he missed me, or thought about me. None of the romantic shit, he just wanted to call me.

I never wanted to admit it to myself but it did feel nice.

*

Four months later, Lucian died. The last time I saw my best friend, the three of us sat down on his sofa watching Life and he cried and I never understood why. Not until later.

The hospital said that he had a terminal illness. I don’t know how long he had it for but when I asked him if he knew, he just shrugged and inquired, “You didn’t?”

I was too sad to feel betrayed again or to question why he never told me.

I think he had it for the last two years because he knew.

Every morning I woke up, my eyes were bleary and even as the day continued, the world seemed to fog away.

People floated past me, colors began to blur together. I didn’t have much perception of direction either. I had supposed that this was what depression felt like.

The only thing that was clear was him; his unflinching stare, his minty aftershave, and his shower clean soap. It was all so familiar and I had spent hours trying to work out how he had become a reoccurrence and then all of sudden he wasn’t there.

In the beginning he had been Lucy’s friend who I always saw flirting with Jennifer from Art History then Bianca from Sculpting I and whoever the hell else was on campus. Then in a quick moment, we had been fighting about how unabashed he always and how much he liked me.

I had been asking him about Lucy’s whereabout all while he had been knowing that our best friend had a incurable illness.

He had been chasing me down the halls and sucking on my tits all while our friend was dying. He had been curling into my side and then, now, he stopped coming around.

Well, he still did but he never stayed long but maybe it was me, maybe I was becoming too needy after Lucy passed.

I don’t know but I felt alone.

“I’m so stupid,” I mumbled aloud, sitting up in his bed.

“Why is that?” he tugged at the light sheet, watching it inch off of my body.

“If I left right now, and told you to never speak to me again, what would you do?”

He stopped tugging at the sheet, turned over and lit the cigarette.

“Tell you goodnight and to get home safe.” He never lies.

On the eve of death, he was there. If I were to retell this story I would say that this was the time a part of me died.

I might have fallen for death.

Lucy was gone and he was death personified.

Always there, cold inside and out, never changing and decaying with pale skin, hard eyes and had no qualms about saying goodbye.

“You wouldn’t even ask why?”

“You’re a clever girl, Eves, temporarily blinded but I know.”

I stiffened at the nickname and let the sheet drift off of me completely and then turned to leave.

“What’s the matter, love? Are you walking away from me?” He was taunting me again, and I needed him to not do that.

I hated him in that moment because Lucy was gone, I was alone and he was alone. He was all I felt I had and he didn’t feel anything.

“I wouldn’t be able to, even if I tried, right?”

He chuckled while I just stared at him, the smell of smoke drifting up my nose while tears threatened to spill down my cheek.

He had been a friend of a friend.

No. We shared the same best friend, whom of which we would never see again.