#sorry to the peeps who have recently followed me for Schitt’s creek content who haven’t experienced one of my rambling sessions yet

[aziraphaleandcrowley]

Sometimes I really wish I could just finish something. I have a 4000 word start of essay + 30000 word document of research about asexuality on screen which I wanna base my masters degree on - but I’ll probably never actually do a masters so what’s the point - but I don’t wanna write it unless it’s for my masters cos I want it to actually be good and mean something.

But I also have an 11000 words worth of writing and research for an essay I was gonna write about destiel - and now I just don’t care about it at all. Like, congrats they got married, but I just don’t care about them anymore, nor the C*W hell so that’s not going anywhere either

I’ve also got like 4000 words in writing and research about Schitt’s Creek but I just don’t have the effort.

And I know that Current Events TM don’t help with being motivated to do anything but ugh. I love wrtiting essays and I really wish I could get some inspiration back pls.

(I ramble about life after this so ignore if you wanna)

I could actually do my masters this year if I could find enough motivation and inspiration to actually want to, but I know that even if I could find the effort to go through the application process and actually get in, that I wouldn’t have the effort or time management skills to actually get what I want out of it.

Does not help that I’m aro?ace and not out to my family -cos why should I have to announce that I’m not sexually or romantically attracted to people really? If I find someone I actually like enough to have a relationship then great, but considering I can barely maintain friendships I’m not hopeful - but anyway I’m not out to my family and I wanna do a gender and sexuality masters degree writing about representations of asexuality on screen and do not want to have to announce that to my family cos I don’t see how I’d be able to do that without outing myself or lying and I don’t wanna do that either. I don’t even want to announce it to people other than my closest friends cos as soon as you mention gender studies, let alone sexuality studies, no one takes you seriously - speaking from experience after mentioning it to one of my colleagues :/

Like as soon as I mention sexuality studies I feel like people are gonna see me as queer - which I am - but I don’t want them to and Idek. Living at home with my parents makes it difficult to work out who I actually am and want to be cos I’m always hiding parts of who I am - and I probably don’t need to, I mean my mums at least a little homophobic but I think that’s more uneducated than anything but my dad is chill. But I don’t wanna come out in actual terms and not just ‘I’m not interested in anyone’ which I say now, cos I don’t wanna say, oh yeah I’m not attracted to anyone, but I still wanna date and have sex and that could be with a guy or a gal or a non-binary person, let’s see what the future holds.

I don’t know how to own/be proud/be confident in my sexuality/queerness and it making it difficult to be proud/confident/open about queerness in general. I still avoid watching queer things around my parents, listening to tv with headphones cos I don’t want to come off as too interested in queer things. My Netflix list is full of queer stuff which I try and avoid my parents seeing cos it’s like 99% queer which feels very telling. I’ve embroidered little pride flags that I have not allowed my parents to see. I’m current crocheting an ace flag coloured jumper which I’m not explaining in the slightest and I’m gonna do a David rose inspired pride love heart jumper next which I’m hoping doesn’t get questioned. I’ve been reading queer fanfic for like 10 years and to this day I haven’t let on to what I’m reading about. I’ll say I’m reading about Merlin, or supernatural etc, but never any extra details cos that’s too gay. I get asked what I want to watch on tv and I’ll rarely say anything cos all I watch is queer stuff I don’t want to be be judged by. Or more like I don’t want do anything that could lead to questions about my sexuality cos I don’t wanna lie but I don’t wanna be out either. I don’t want to say no I’m not gay cos I might end up in a relationship with a girl one day and that would be great. But I’m not straight either and my parents wouldn’t even know aceness is a thing. I hate that I’m like this but I am. It feels safe even though I know there’s no actual danger in revealing myself

Ugh I’m not even gay but I have so much internalised homophobia about being judged as being queer idk.

I think I’d benefit from speaking to someone about this - like professionally, cos this just cycles around my brain and has done for months on end. Plus changes in situations now means my parents will see very little - if any - inheritance so they won’t be able to afford to live once my dad retires and I feel like it falls on my shoulders as an only child to try and deal with that even tho it’s not really. Ugh. But with restrictions meaning you can’t see anyone, the only way I’d be able to speak to someone is from my own home, where my parents are and who I don’t want to overhear me speaking about my many issues. Plus accessing mental health help in the uk at the best of times is terrible, speaking from my mums experience and, being a cheap ass, I don’t wanna have to pay for the privilege even knowing it’s be beneficial.

Idk. Ever since last year when I realised I wanted to study gender and sexuality studies after doing an online course looking at representations of women in the media run by a uni in Glasgow, then realising studying in Glasgow seemed amazing not just because I could leave home and study something I wanted in a beautiful place but also in a place which has a queer bookstore and therefore a queer community and queer events and being able to picture myself living a better life in a better place, then realising that that uni course wouldn’t actually be best suited to my interests, and that I couldn’t actually afford to study in Glasgow anyway, and that I’d have to use all savings I didn’t even have at that point to afford to even go to uni, then COVID happening I just don’t know what I wanna do. There was a solid week or two when it all sounded amazing and possible and I could see the future opening up with so much potential for actually getting to live the life I might actually be happy with and now I just don’t know. I don’t.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this. This wasn’t my intention when I started writing, I just wanted to moan about my stack of word documents gathering cyber dust on OneDrive...

I’m gonna nap now I think, or try to at least. But at least this is written and going into the tumblr void and therefore out of my head, even for a little while.