#sorry to overshare but actually that’s what you’re meant to do on this website

[carrotcakecrumble]

16 yo at my work just texted me that he has something to confess to me tomorrow and in the same string of messages that he’s just broken up with his girlfriend and girls I am SICK I cannot go into work tomorrow what do I do how have I found myself in this situation I don’t deserve this I live a simple life

[hermannsthumb]

From horny twitter: Hermann writes a very very detailed review of a vibrator online

not sfw below cut!!!!!!!!!!! 

----------------------------

Now, usually, Newt doesn’t mess around when he’s on the clock, because that’d be very unprofessional of him and that’s totally not who he is, but he’s in a little bit of a rut with his current project and could use the distraction. Online shopping is his favorite go-to distraction these days: he can lose himself in size charts and color options and hunts for coupon codes and forget, even for a few minutes, that the end of the world is accelerating towards them at an intimidating rate. Plus, he can write off half his shit as work-related expenses. Win-win. Though maybe not this particular search.

Newt has a pretty reliable arsenal of sex toys he’s used on rotation since he packed up and shipped across the world for the PPDC, but the ten-year warranty vibe he’s used since PhD #3 (and his favorite of the bunch) finally crapped out on him last week after a historically intense fight with Hermann got him historically wound up. Eleven years ain’t bad. After testing out a different charger, poking around in the wiring, and even going so far as to zap it a few times with some sorta-stolen drift tech to see if it stirred any life back into it, he finally decided it was time to just mourn, move on, and buy a new one. (Even if, unfortunately, his particular favorite model was discontinued when the company’s factory was destroyed in a kaiju attack and they never quite managed to recover. More casualties of the war.)

The sex toy market is truthfully booming during the apocalypse. It makes sense, Newt guesses—anything for a distraction. Personally, for Newt, orgasms tend to dampen his own existential dread, even if it’s just for a few minutes. He scrolls idly through a few Top Ten For 2023 listicles on various sex magazine websites to see if anything jumps out at him (some of the recommended toys are dildos he already has, and vibes that are a little beyond his k-sci paycheck), just hoping for something to jump out at him. Apparently he missed out on a limited-edition run of jaeger and kaiju-themed vibes and dildos that came out in early January, which he’s honestly a little pissed about—he’s the top expert on kaiju biology, god damn it! Didn’t anyone want to consult with him about their hypothetical junk? Accuracy matters.

“It’s all off,” Newt mutters grumpily as he examines a 360 view of one of the kaiju dildos. Trespasser. “It’s not even the right color. Fucking amateurs. Did they even try?”

“What are you doing?” Hermann says.

Newt slams his laptop shut. Hermann decided to cut his lunch break short today, apparently. “Shopping,” he says.

“You sounded awfully angry about something, is all,” Hermann says. He clacks over to his half of the lab and shrugs off his big parka, then pauses. “Do you need to...talk about it?”

“No,” Newt says.

Hermann breathes out in obvious relief. “Good,” he says.

He takes his usual spot at his chalkboard and resumes his calculating. Newt re-opens his laptop and scrolls away from Trespasser before he can make himself angry over anatomical inaccuracies again. The jaeger vibes from the collection are pretty cool, actually; the designs are a lot cleaner, and their artistic license is a lot more forgivable. The highest-rated of the set is one obviously (but not enough to invoke copyright infringement, if that can even exist for a jaeger) modeled off of Coyote Tango, with like, a million different settings, and an astronomical cost to match. Newt eyes it enviously. He could be shoving that up his ass right now if he’d just signed up for a stupid email list last year.

He follows the link to Amazon to read through some of the reviews enviously, too. Life-changing; best money ever spent; warranty lasts a lifetime. Ten stars across the board. Sold out, obviously. No idea when it’ll be back in stock. He could get the Striker Eureka model for twice the original cost as when it came out, if he wanted, but the idea of constantly having to associate the twenty-something punk Hansen kid with his intimate affairs makes him shudder.

A nine-star review for the Coyote Tango model from someone named MathLover69 is the only one to make Newt really pause, on account of how absolutely insane it is.

I saved quite a few paychecks to purchase this vibrator, and though the cost is steep, I must say it is absolutely worth it. As opposed to my normal vibrator (here another vibe is linked, and Newt’s eyebrows jump at that price, too), which has only five settings, an admittedly bulky body, and average battery life, the CT2023 has a generous ten, a sleeker design, and charges fully in a matter of minutes. The orgasms I have experienced while using it are higher in quality (and more numerous) than any resulting previously from masturbation, though I have not tried beyond setting six yet. It also works wonders for stress relief. (I have an incredibly irritating colleague, and nothing calms me down so much as a quick round with the CT2023 after a spat with him.)

The body is versatile enough to be either inserted into one’s—

Newt feels heat rise to his cheeks in spite of himself, and he skims the second paragraph of MathLover69’s review to get the gist of it—that there are, uh, plenty of ways to utilize the vibe, that it’s discreet and small enough to wear to work (if you were inclined to do so, as MathLover69 implies he might’ve been) and that when combined with the Yamarashi dildo, the pleasurable experience increased tenfold. Talk about oversharing. Jeez.

My only complaint would be that the design is a poor approximation of the real Coyote Tango, and for that I’ve docked a star. I would recommend this product.

“This guy is a total nut,” Newt says to himself.

“Hm?” Hermann says.

Newt considers the implications of showing Hermann the vibrator listing: Hermann will know he was shopping for sex toys, Hermann will know he was shopping for kaiju and jaeger-themed sex toys, Hermann will know he was shopping for kaiju and jaeger-themed sex toys during working hours a mere ten feet away from him. Embarrassing, but on the other hand, MathLover69’s review is too funny to not share with someone else. “Hey, Hermann,” Newt says, angling his laptop towards Hermann. “Look. Who comments shit like this?”

Hermann descends his ladder carefully and inches up behind Newt’s shoulder, squinting at his laptop screen. He immediately turns bright red. Newt must’ve offended his Victorian sensibilities with the mere suggestion of self-abuse. “Oh,” he says. “Er.”

“Way TMI,” Newt says. “Listen to this line. ‘With the Yamarashi toy inserted into one’s mouth, and the CT2023 inserted up one’s—'”

“Well, how else is one meant to review a masturbatory aid?” Hermann snaps, surprising Newt. He looks oddly flustered. “Details can be—er—helpful. Can’t they?”

“Sure, dude,” Newt snorts. “Except they’re obviously just screwing with people. They literally have a 69 in their username.” He taps at the MathLover69, and doesn’t mention—on behalf of Hermann’s delicate mathematician feelings—that the MathLover part is obviously meant as a joke too.

“Well,” Hermann says. “Perhaps it’s just his—er, their birthdate.”

Newt turns around to stare at Hermann, taking in his red cheeks, his red ears, and the gaze he’s fixed steadily on his shoes. It’s all Newt can do to not to gape at him. “Hermann, you’re kidding,” he says. “Right?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Hermann says.

“You didn’t,” Newt says.

“I,” Hermann stammers. “Well—”

“I didn’t even know you—”

“That I what?” Hermann says.

Newt gives a half-shrug. Hermann doesn’t seem the type to engage in any sort of vice, let alone this kind. And especially not with the type of sex toys he apparently gravitates towards. (If Newt was a little bolder, and had a little less shame and care for hygiene, he might ask to check out the Yamarashi, because anatomical inaccuracies aside, wow that sounds awesome.) “I mean, you know,” Newt says. “You’re kinda you. No offense.”

Hermann takes offense. “I am human,” he says. “I am allowed to masturbate, Newton, and I was merely attempting to educate other customers about the—product—with my thoroughness.” He adds, awkwardly, “My review was voted very helpful, as you can see.”

“Okay,” Newt says with a grin. “I get it. Sorry.”

Hermann marches back over to his side of the lab with a scowl. Newt waits until he’s sure Hermann’s not watching him, and is too distracted by muttering angrily under his breath, to bookmark MathLover69’s page of reviews.

It turns out (as Newt revisits the page later that night, in the privacy of his bunk) Hermann buys and reviews a truly staggering amount of dildos and sex toys, and on top of that, has absolutely zero filter behind the wall of anonymity. It’s to the extent that some of his reviews read like goddamn sexts.

It took me three occasions to successfully work myself up to taking in the entire length…

My orgasm was so pleasurable I alarmed my colleague with the noise I made, who believed me to have injured myself…

The highest vibration setting is a bit of a disappointment…

These are excellent for double penetration…

It also turns out Hermann is a veritable sex fiend. Or at least a masturbation fiend. Judging by his reviews alone, Hermann’s purchased more than a dozen different toys in the past three years alone. That’s four a year. One every three months. That’s not even including buttplugs, which (according to other reviews) he sometimes just wears into the lab (“work”) for the hell of it, which Newt isn’t even going to think about right now. How the hell has Hermann kept this much of his life under wraps? When the hell does he have time to jerk off as much as he apparently does? No wonder they never seem to have any fucking funding; all of Hermann’s paychecks are funneled directly into his—well.

Newt recalls the faux-injury incident Hermann mentioned in a comment with mild embarrassment. No wonder Hermann had been so weird and flushed when he opened his door, and made excuses to say bye to him so quickly—Newt just caught him (oh, boy) immediately following the best orgasm of his life. Well, mild embarrassment, and a little more than mild arousal. What Newt would’ve given to have been there five minutes earlier, to watch Hermann in the act of the best orgasm of his life, to maybe even be the one to cause it…

What Newt would give to use Hermann’s fancy-shmancy vibrator on him, or literally anything from his giant masturbatory arsenal. Or even just watch him use it on himself. Hermann’s just so damned buttoned-up and uptight—it’s all about the contradictions. Juxtapositions. Newt unzips his jeans and sticks his hand down his boxers. “Stupid Hermann,” he moans, as he begins to bring himself off to the image of Hermann with that stupid kaiju dildo down his throat and that stupid jaeger vibe up his ass. Negotiator of peace between the two? Stupid joke, stupid Hermann. Or maybe he’s picturing Hermann showing up to the lab, all plugged up and loose from using a different vibe on himself that morning. Or maybe Hermann pushing two dildos into himself at once. How the hell can he even manage that? Ass his size— “Oh, goddamn it,” Newt moans again, and comes all over his hand.

Whatever. It’s not like Hermann’s ever going to find out about this.

[black-out-wonder]

Still Alive (Virgil Sanders Human!AU One-Shot)

Warnings: Talk of suicide, suicidal thoughts, feelings of worthlessness, mentions of depression and anxiety, mentions of an arugument, self-deprecation

This is basically a vent fic because I had to use the StillAlive.org crisis line the other day because it was really bad for me. It helped me and if you are in a moment of crisis, and you A. Have no one to talk to or B. Can’t or wont talk on the phone for any reason, use this chatline. Stay safe <3

Virgil’s finger froze as he stared blankly at the “Click here to chat” button on the screen. What the hell am I doing? He wondered. The browser page, Still Alive, glared at him through the darkness of his room. The webpage itself was calm and welcoming, telling him to click the button to talk to a volunteer. He found this website through his friend-or ex friend-Logan. He had described it, saying that it was meant for people who couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to people on the phone. It was meant for people who were considering suicide.

Well, you could say that he was having second thoughts about waking up the next morning.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he clicked the button, wincing at the noise of the mouse. A screen loaded, asking him to put in information. He didn’t want to put in all of this information. He didn’t want some random person to know exactly who he was. He was about to click away, giving into his urges when he noticed the “anonymous” checkbox. He released the breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

There were still some questions he needed to answer, but nothing as bad as the first option. Just asking his gender, age, who he lived with, how he found the website, etc. He hesitated before entering the information. If he put all of this in and actually connected, there would be no turning back. Before he could change his mind, he entered the chat.

A message popped up as he was brought to the chat page. They were connecting him to a volunteer. His heart began to race as a few moments passed. What if he wouldn’t get connected? What if the Wifi went out for some reason? Too many what ifs. His eyes trailed over to his dresser, where a bottle of medication sat. His sleep medication. It would be so easy…just like falling asleep…

Suddenly, a soft beep brought him out of his thoughts. “Your volunteer as entered the chat” is said now. In the corner of the screen, it said: “Alex typing” in very small letters. His heart pounded against his chest, his hands growing sweaty and shaky. What would this person say? Was this a real person? What would they say?

Alex: Hello. May I ask for your name?

It was such a simple question, one that shouldn’t have been a problem to answer. The problem was his name. Not many people had it. What if this person knew him? With shaky fingers, he typed out a reply.

Anonymous8902: you can call me V.

Alex typing…

Alex: Okay V. What brings you to Still Alive?

Another question that held way too much weight. What did bring him there exactly? Logan had explained it as a place to talk if you had nowhere else to go. He wasn’t sure if he had mentioned it because he knew Virgil was at risk. He knew that his friends-or past friends-had to suspect something, but they never knew the real extent of it.

Anonymous8902: im not really sure…i was told that this was for people who wanted to die.

The volunteer replied back very quickly.

Alex: V, have you thought about committing suicide?

His first instinct was to lie. He lied to everyone about what he wanted. He would say he was okay, even when he wasn’t. But this was different. He slowly typed his reply.

Anonymous8902: yeah

Alex typing…

Alex: Have you made a plan?

Anonymous8902: not yet. not set in stone.

He nearly had a heart attack when he sent that. Why did he send that? They were going to send the police and he couldn’t let that happen! They would send him to the hospital and ask him too many invading questions. He would have to tell them things, or he would have to lie, which made him even more anxious.

Alex typing…

Alex: So, you do not have a plan at the present time?

Anonymous8902: no

Alex: That’s good. If you would like, we can continue to chat. Your safety is most important.

Anonymous8902: its really not

Alex: It seems you feel like you don’t deserve to be safe.

It was heavy talk time, and Virgil knew it. He didn’t want to spill his heart to some stranger, but at the same time, he did. He wanted to tell this person everything wrong with him. He just wanted to get out of the haze of despair and anxiety that seemed to fill his being.

Anonymous8902: i dont deserve to feel safe. i dont even deserve to live. all i do is hurt people.

The honesty in his statement shocked him. He had never told anyone that before, not even his fr-ex friends.

Alex typing…

Alex: It seems like you feel like you don’t deserve life because you don’t offer anything but pain.

Anonymous8902: i feel that way because its true. everyone says it, so it must be

Alex: You seem to believe what others say about you more than what you think of yourself.

Virgil clenched his jaw at the message. Why did this person have to be so accurate? It would be better if this person wasn’t so spot on about everything.

Anonymous8902: yeah, sounds like me

Alex typing…

Alex: V, was there something that triggered your crisis?

He froze once more. There was a trigger, but it was his fault in the first place. If he would only get over himself, it wouldn’t have happened in the first place. All of his stupid negativity and emptiness and…just everything.

Anonymous8902: yeah. i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a while ago, but i never told my friends. it was a rough day for me, but i was supposed to do something with them. i couldnt even bring myself to call them. it was really important and i skipped it. one of them called me and said that i was a horrible friend.

Alex typing…

Alex: You seem to be blaming yourself for a situation that was completely out of your control.

Anonymous8902: but it was in my control. i couldve told them about it or called and made up a valid excuse! i left them hanging and they were really hurt. this wasnt the first time either

Alex: V, I want you to know that it’s okay to ask for help and having a rough day because of your mental illness is a valid reason. Have you considered telling them about your condition?

Of course, he did. He thought about it every day when he talked to them. Then Roman would flash him a carefree grin, throwing a playful insult his way, or Patton would give him one of his warm hugs, or Logan would overshare on a subject that fascinated him, and he always threw away the idea. Things wouldn’t be the same. They would definitely treat him different like he was delicate.

Anonymous8902: yeah i have, but i dont want things to change

Alex typing…

Alex: What would change?

Anonymous8902: everything. they would see me differently. they liked me for who i am now, why would i want to change that?

Alex: Do you fear that they would turn away from you if they saw your troubles?

He nodded to himself before replying once more.

Anonymous8902: why wouldnt they?

Alex typing…

Alex: There is nothing wrong with letting someone in and talking to them. I know it must hurt to have loved ones turn away. They may be confused by the space between you guys and they are lashing out.

That did make a lot of sense. It was definitely in Roman’s character to lash out when he was confused about something. Why was this person so good at talking to him?

Anonymous8902: but how to i connect with them? i dont even know where to start

Alex typing…

Alex: You could try telling them about your condition and why you weren’t able to go where you needed to. If they are your friends, they will understand. Change is not necessarily a bad thing. It is a natural thing that allows you to grow as a person. Yes, it may seem scary now, but you will be able to look back and be glad that you took the first step.

Virgil could feel tears welling up in his eyes. He hated that this person was so spot on.

Anonymous8902: youre right…i need to tell them…thank you

Alex typing: How are you feeling now?

How was he feeling? He wasn’t feeling great still, but he didn’t seem to be at rock bottom either. He was…drifting.

Anonymous8902: better. a lot better

Alex typing…

Alex: When you disconnect from this chat, what do you plan to do?

Anonymous8902: talk to my friends. im better now. thanks again. im going to go

Alex: I’m glad you’re feeling better. Goodbye!

Anonymous8902: bye

As he exited the browser page, he let out a shuddering breath. He stared at his desktop background for a few moments, soaking in everything. He just told a random stranger his fears and insecurities, and it actually helped. He knew now what he had to do.

           He leaned over to grab his phone, dialing the first number that came to mind. He held it to his ear, praying that he would answer. That he would allow him to speak. When he does answer the phone, Virgil closes his eyes.

           “Hey, Roman. I am really sorry for not making it today. I really need to tell you something…”