#sorry to joseph for not getting a roast featured://

[adelaidedrubman]

one clown fifteen lines

Rules: Share 15 or fewer lines of dialogue from an OC, ideally lines that capture the character/personality/vibe of the OC. Bonus points for just using the dialogue without other details about the scene, but you're free to include those as well!

i was tagged by dears @simplegenius042 @direwombat @gwynbleidd @sofrosine @nightbloodbix @corvosattano @voidika @quickhacked to post a lil bit of oc dialogue samples! outgoing tags below cut + like here to opt in:3

1. “Yeah, ya know, they’re actually teachin’ all kindsa folk how to read an’ write these days,” she answered his second question with a sarcastic exaggeration of the natural twangs of her accent, ignoring his first entirely. “They ain’t even makin’ you go all the way to law school for it no more.”

2. “Piss off, Earl,” she spat, elbowing him out of the way. “I mean, honest to god fuckin’ piss off, alright?”

3. “Opossums are fuckin’ marsupials, Mary May!”

4. “I would fuckin’ carve out your eyes and throw them in the lake first, so that the only thing you’d ever see of me again is my fishing hook when I came back here to catch whatever trout had the bad luck of eating you.” 

5. “Familiar enough to know that if you’re calling me a ‘Delilah’ or something that’s some misogynistic bull —”

6. “Probably do a little publicity tour, once it all makes news. A few TV specials, tell-all nightly news interviews, a true crime podcast here and there. I bet I could make a good buck writing some kinda fucking memoir or something about this shit. Everyone would eat it up, you know, out of guilt, ‘cause —” she paused, raising her pitch a bit in nasally mocking, “‘cause we should really be focusing on the victims, not making the perpetrators famous,” she chimed, followed by a dismissive wave of her hand at the thought. “But you know, they’d still all be reading it to see what I said about you of course. But no skin off my ass, as long as they buy it. Figure I could spend… two, maybe three months as America’s sweetheart, then slip back into anonymity. Live off the royalties. The occasional consulting fee, anytime someone decides to make a movie about you and your fuckin’ cult.” 

7. “Head wasn’t that good,” she replied flatly. 

8. “Yeah, pretty sure they make a pill these days for when a gal realizes she’s made that kinda mistake,” she retorted with an exaggerated batting of her eyelashes as she pulled the flask from his hand. “And if you’re the baby daddy, she really would be wising up to take it.” 

9. “Oh, I’m back, baby.” She forced the smile to fall from her face, lips and brow tensing with sudden gravity. “And I’ve rigged this whole fucking mountain with explosives set to go off any second now. This thing is gonna blow sky fuckin’ high, and you and I are going to blow up with it. ’Cause I —” she feigned a gasp, brought her wrist to her brow as she threw her head back in a pantomime of being on the verge of fainting. “I can’t deny it any longer — I’m in love with you, and I want us to fucking be together forever in the fiery abyss of death.” 

10. “Tell your big bwother to make his stump speeches even scawrier next time — I’m sure it’ll make the canon fodder he sends out harder to kill, if he gravels his voice a bit more.”

11. She snorted. “You worried I’m not playing with a full set or something?”

12. “I jest,” she hissed, knocking his hand away. “You haven’t fuckin’ gotten that by now? It was a fucking joke.” 

13. “C’mon, that the fucking best miss church camp coachella can do to scare me?”

14. “For the fuckin’ record, I’m prolonging the void of nothingness when my organs stop functioning and I cease to exist in conscious form, not eternal damnation,” she finally spat. 

15. “It’s gonna be hilarious, actually,” she replied, pushing herself off from the door frame with a parting wave. “Tell your friends!” 

tagging: @cassietrn @shallow-gravy @derelictheretic @socially-awkward-skeleton @lordundying @florbelles @henbased @belorage @8bitpizzacoupons @firstaidspray @theresaruggedroad @afarcryfrommymain @clicheantagonist @v0idbuggy @orionlancasterr @strafethesesinners @deputyash @confidentandgood @strangefable @stacispratt @miyabilicious @omen-speaker @nowandthane @hctknives @wrathfulrook @fourlittleseedlings @galaxycunt @josephslittledeputy @just-another-wasteland-merc @voidika @captastra @blissfulalchemist @shellibisshe @thedeadthree and anyone who would like to share!

[armagnac-army]

VOTE FOR A MARSHAL OF THE EMPIRE!!!

SINCE WERE NOT GOING TO APPEAR FOR AGES IN THAT OFFICIAL TOURNAMENT AND THE EMPEROR JUST GOT ROYALLED FUCKED THERE BY A VANISHED ROAST BEEF

HERES A BALLOT JUST FOR US MARSHALS OF THE EMPIRE!!

IN CASE YOU DONT KNOW WHO WE ARE WE'RE THE TOP MILITARY COMMANDERS PROMOTED BY NAPOLEON HIMSELF

AND WE HAVE REALLY BIG HATS

VOTE FOR WHOEEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT WHETHER THATS THE BEST OR THE SEXIEST OR THE MOST PATHETIC I DONT CARE

YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO VOTE FOR ME THOUGH!!!

GO AHEAD AND POST ALL THE PROPAGRANDA YOU WANT, THE ADC WILL SHARE IT IF ITS FUNNY

SORRY TO MONCEY, JOURDAN, BERNADOTTE, BRUNE, MORTIER, KELLERMAN, PERIGNON, SERURIER, VICTOR, MACDONALD, OUDINOT, MARMONT, SUCHET, SAINT-CYR AND GROUCHY, MAYBE WELL HAVE A PITY POLLE LATER

[thenonbinarydetective]

The Flying Saucer Mystery

Hey do you like camping? Do you like aliens? Do you like treasure hunts? If you said yes to all three than this might be the game for you! @nancydrewnetwork

Inspired by The Flying Saucer Mystery(duh)

Mystery

Nancy and her friend’s all-expenses paid(by Carson Drew) camping trip is quickly derailed by rumors of strange encounters and long-lost treasure hidden deep in the Shawnee National Forest. Hopefully Nancy can solve the case before she gets abducted (and maybe she can have a fun vacation for once).

Friends

Ned Nickerson: Nancy’s boyfriend. Chemical Engineering major and star athlete at Emerson. This time he gets to help in person. His experience as a camp counselor and first aid will come in handy.

Bess Marvin: Longtime best friend and always reliable. She’s good at keeping the campers happy in tough times and knows more cutesy camp recipes than Pinterest. Actually, she might’ve stolen them all from Pinterest.

George Fayne: Other longtime best friend and outdoors enthusiast. She’s a useful friend to have both on the trail and for when your gadgets fail on you and you don’t know why. 

Burt Eddleton: Best friend of Ned. Biology major at Emerson who seemingly can’t choose what to focus on exactly. He knows a lot about both wildlife and plants. Pretty good athlete and pretty chill dude. Kind of a Himbo. Proud duck Dad (Don’t worry Sparkles is with a chickensitter).

Dave Evans: Other best friend of Ned. Archaeology major at Emerson. He knows a lot about artifacts or at least he’s mostly talking about artifacts because Bess gets freaked out by the skeletal side of his interests. Pretty chill guy also might play Wonderwall if presented with a guitar.

Suspects

Blake Wilkinson: Co-owner and head guide of Happy Trails Camping Company. She’s the trail guide helping the group get through this vacation. She seems nice enough but she is way too serious about her job. Well maybe not too serious. How else can you explain the buyout offer she’s hiding from Amani? What else could she be hiding?

Amani Wilkinson: Blake’s wife and other co-owner of Happy Trails Camping Company. She prefers nature over business. In fact, she doesn’t seem at all interested in the company (Does Blake know?). She’s happy enough to show you around the forest. Hopefully she doesn’t leave you all alone out there. Just kidding, she would never do that. Right?

Shay Hernandez: Assistant trail guide and aspiring park ranger. Or so he says. He claims to be a college student at a local university, but won’t say what his major is. That’s okay, maybe he’s still deciding. However, he talks a lot about science. Not just biology or even ecology like you might expect from someone who spends most of his time in the outdoors. He talks about computer science and robotics too. Is it just the sign of a budding scientific mind? Or is it a sign of something else?

Sonny Joon: Nancy knows Sonny’s here for the aliens, but does she really know him enough to say that’s the only reason why he’s there? Or is she in for another.....adventure with him? I’m sorry Sonny fans but it fits.

Soffi Ziririan: The only one of the campers (besides Sonny) that doesn’t know that much about the area. Again or so she says. She’s an avid hiker and outdoor enthusiast. She loves challenging herself with new challenges. Strangely, she didn’t give that much information to Blake or Amani when she signed up for the trip. She might just be a private person because that happens all the time... 

Kole Morse: He’s a local, so it’s strange for him to be going on a guided trail experience. He knows the forest like the back of his hand, so why is he here? He claims it’s just for fun, but no one knows for sure. One thing that is for sure is that Kole is a true environmentalists. He doesn’t believe in the aliens, he thinks all the sightings are fake and going to negatively affect the environment. He not too keen on “people who don’t truly understand the forest” being in the forest. Whatever that means. How far is he willing to go to protect what he refers to as ‘his forest’?

Joseph “Old Joe” Austin: Native American man from the local Shawnee tribe, One of the oldest residents from around Shawnee National Forest. He lives in a cabin with his brother Sam and his dog Trixie. He’s also a shoe-in for the friendliest resident of the forest award. He’s welcoming and kind to all the campers that come through. He says he’s given up on finding his father’s treasure. Or has he?

Samuel “Sam” Austin: Old Joe’s younger brother. Unlike his brother, he’s quiet and likes to keep to himself. Old Joe just says he’s shy. Really, Nancy figures out that he’s deaf. Luckily she remembers a bit of sign language and that online dictionary the Hardy Boys text is a great bonus. He’s actually trying to find his dad’s treasure again. Although he seems innocent enough, Nancy doesn’t know how far he’ll go to get his dad’s treasure.

Phone Friends

Frank and Joe Hardy: They were supposed to go on the trip with the group, but Frank broke his leg during their last mystery so Burt and Dave took their spots. They are super bummed. Luckily Nancy can call them so they can live vicariously through her.

Dagny Silva: There’s treasure, here’s Dagny. Not actually there because she has better more certain treasure to track down, but she owes it to Nancy to occasionally answer her phone.

Ranger Maia Chikovani: A ranger of the national forest, asked Nancy to figure out what’s going on. She believes in aliens, but is a bit more worried about the impact their UFO may have on the environment.

Locations

Forest Trails and Clearing: There pretty straightforward. Trees and plants and stuff. There’s quite a few different locations, but can all be summed up by this title. Nancy has a map to keep track.

River appears next to some of the trail but not all of them.

Old Joe’s Cabin: It’s where he lives with his brother and dog.

Swamp: Where the UFO has been spotted. Coincidentally, the treasure is rumored to be near this location

Treasure’s real location: It’s not actually near the swamp. This location is only revealed after Nancy figures it out.

Time

Day/Night cycle. Time keeps on moving so your week may be more than a week depending on how long it takes for you to solve it.

Transportation

Horseback riding: For longer distances along the trails

Walking: For shorter distances and areas that the horses cannot go. Also for like around the camp and stuff. Nancy’s not riding the horse for a week straight that would just be weird.

Puzzles/Mini Games

Pitching a tent

Fishing

Building a fire

Cooking camp meals

Roasting marshmallows and making the perfect s’more

Mushroom picking: I’m enby I can’t not include mushrooms.

Decoding/Solving the clues Old Joe and Sam’s father left for them: This is a series of different puzzles, all at different times and with different purposes. They all fall under the same category so they’re being lumped. I imagine they would be a mixture of logic and clues that you find about the two brothers and around the forest itself.

Opening the treasure box: Simply one of those weirdly over-complicated puzzle boxes that everyone seems to have. You know the type.

Fixing the radio: The radio gets trashed with the rest of the camp and it’s up to Nancy to fix it

Lockpicking other campers’ locked private possesion: The usual

Flying the Spaceship: After Nancy and Ned get trapped in the spaceship, Nancy needs to figure out how to fly it before they crash!

Alien Dream World: Nancy and Ned are transported to an alien world by the spaceship. It’s so amazing it’s like a dream.

Finding Arrowheads: there’s a few old arrowheads scattered around. They’re old and don’t belong to anyone (at least not anymore). Mostly collected for fun.

Second Chances

Riding your horse into the swamp: Why?

Drown in the swamp: At least the water’s warm....it’s not worth it

Radio explodes: You shouldn’t have connected those wires

Crash the spaceship: Should’ve used the turn signal

Bear attack: like the alien attack but with bears

Alien attack: like the bear attack but with aliens

Setting yourself on fire: Stop, drop, and roll!

Ate the wrong mushroom: you clearly picked a toadstool, not a mushroom. (It’s a joke don’t get technical lol)

Additional Features/Notes

This is only loosely based off Shawnee National Forest. I cannot guarantee the presence of small swamps or aliens. Also the pictures and everything might not be perfectly accurate. It’s just aesthetic, it doesn’t have to take place in Shawnee. I just needed a name. It can change.

Communication is different with Sam than with the other characters due to the fact that he is deaf. He uses sign language (that is automatically translated). Nancy’s speech is silent for his conversations, she’s using sign language too but you can’t see her hands (because you’re not really supposed to talk when you’re using sign language. Also Sam only “speaks” to people who can also use sign language.

Speaking of communication, I know we all like our phone friends, but cell signal is unreliable on this trip. Nancy won’t always be able to get in touch with her contacts so she’ll have to rely on her in-person friends. This time they can be assigned to certain tasks as well as provide hints. Everyone has their own specialized hints that the other characters won’t know a thing about.

Just for the sake of clarification, most people in the area do know about the treasure left by Mr.Austin. Most people don’t believe in it anymore, some believe that it belongs to the brothers (if it does exist), and other think it’s finder’s keepers.

P.S. Sorry for breaking Frank’s leg but Joe gets hurt the twice as much as he does so it’s only fair that he sometimes it’s his fault that they can’t go camping. tbh with their mysteries they camp like once a week, they have nothing to complain about.

(Forest UFO Mini Art Print by vectordreams)

[magnolia-penn]

Future Vision Chapter 2

DIO? God?

Oop- sorry this took so long. It took me forever to write and I had no motivation to type it all from my notebook.

Also, brownie points to whoever finds the Avatar: The Last Airbender reference.

Warnings: Swearing (so much swearing), Spoilers (sorta), mention of death (no one important) lemme know if I missed anything

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"31 years!" Polnareff shouted in disbelief.

"Apparently." You shrugged, already over it.

The men were flabbergasted about your current predicament. Stands were a fairly new concept and to think that there was a Stand strong enough to pull you from the future, breaking all sorts of time and space laws? You'd have to be crazy!

Yet… There you were, completely adapted to the strange situation. You were thrown almost double the amount of years you existed and all it took was a quick scream session behind a sand dune for you to calm down? 

"You seem so startled. Stands have crazy abilities. My friend, Magnolia, works alongside a mafia boss with the ability to create infinite life and make it so you can never truly reach death!" You pumped your fist in the air in excitement. "Time travel doesn't seem that far out. My Stand isn't too terribly special, especially compared to some of the other Stands I've seen, but it's pretty cool."

The group's confusion settled deeper as you went on a tangent about future Stands that your friend has described from her time working at the Speedwagon Foundation. You used words that didn't make sense, phrases they didn't understand, but your growing excitement caused them to nod along with you.

"OH! And Stands can be upgraded! Although we do-" You cut yourself off suddenly, eyes zoned out.

You didn't say anything, just stared into the endless expanse of sand and heat. It was Kakyoin who spoke up first.

"Y/n? Are you alright?"

You snapped out of your trance with a start. "I FORGOT TO FEED MY FISH SHIT SEND ME BACK!"

Your sudden outburst sent Polnareff jumping back into Mr. Joestar, your attention dragged to him as his face dropped from confusion to somber defeat.

You picked up on the nervous weight shifts and glances away. You tried to look back at the man who brought you here, only for Mr. Joestar to clear his throat, bringing the attention back to him. He fumbled with his words a bit, trying to justify the shift in attention, but he ultimately failed.

"Oh ho no, I see what's going on," You said after Mr. Joestar gave up on trying to explain. "This fuck-" a pointed finger towards the corpse behind you, "was my only ticket back to the future?"

"Well no. Technic-" You cut the older man off.

"'Uh well no'," you mocked. "Lemme guess, he would've been the easiest way?"

"Now, Miss Y/n, there is no need to be so aggressive. I'm sure we can figure everything out. Our enemy, DIO, has a lackey-" 

You cut Avdol off as well.

"DIO? God? In Italian? What kind of narcissist names their kid 'God' in Italian?"

You gave a snort before falling into a fit of mocking laughter. Your humor was short lived, though, as Jotaro finally spoke up. Or shouted I guess.

"Can you shut up? Good grief, all you do is yap! God, all you women are the same."

You stopped your laughter to stare at the teen clad in black, sizing him up. It was a tense couple of minutes, an unstoppable force and an unmovable object locked in a stubborn standoff.

After a bit, you let out a chuckle and let your head fall back to face the sky.  You watched the clouds for a second before sighing.

"You know, Joots," You catch him visibly tense from the nickname. "I see why you become a marine biologist in the future. The ocean is powerful and terrifying. It's been like that from the beginning. My friend often describes me like the ocean, although, unlike the tides, who have decided to kill you millions of years ago," You bring your hand up near your face before clenching it into a fist, shimmering from the effects of your Stand. "I still haven't made up my mind."

Jotaro's face turns sour in fear for a split second before returning to the default steely glare. You watched in amusement as his Stand began to manifest, but the hesitation you saw in the purple being's eyes told you all you needed to know.

Jotaro was, at the very least, cautious of you.

But also curious.

You managed to make full contact with Hierophant Green, something no one can do unless a Stand is initiating the contact. Kakyoin also couldn't see you, so how could it've climbed up you? Stand don't act on their own violations.

You also mentioned the future Jotaro. He becomes a marine biologist? And one famous enough to be known by teenagers? Jotaro can't even name a famous marine biologist.

He figured killing you know would be disastrous, there was still much to learn from you. Maybe you held knowledge that once came with hindsight.

"Nice to see we're in agreement." Jotaro gruffed out, allowing Star Platinum to fully dissipate.

A small smile graced your features as you extended the same hand you threatened him with.

"Well then, a truce. Until we decide to kill each other." 

Jotaro nodded and took your hand, allowing a handshake to secure your mortalities.

For now.

"MON DIEU! I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD!" Polnareff wailed suddenly, startling the group.

Tension rolled off all of you as Avdol let out a sigh of relief. "I am quite surprised you are alive as well. Not many people can insult Jotaro and walk away intact, Y/n."

You chuckled and waved off the man's concern. "I may only have six brain cells, but I'm not stupid. He wouldn't do shit. Not without knowing what I can do."

"Is that so?" Jotaro let a small smirk slip out. It's hard not to grin when you were acting stupid.

You nodded and hummed in agreement. "I like to think I'm good at reading people."

Jotaro only scoffed and rolled his eyes, although there was an inset glimmer of amusement deep with those cerulean orbs.

"So what exactly does your Stand do?" Mr. Joestar asked the elephant in the room.

"Hmm? Oh, my Stand. Okay, so, here's the thing. My Stand is actually really weak." You confessed.

"My Stand, Chemical Romance, is only really good for getting info from people. I'm often called in to the Speedwagon Foundation to help with interrogations. My Stand allows me to talk to and understand other Stands. All those unintelligible noises your Stand makes are actually your soul trying to communicate, and Chem translates them for me. Even silent Stands or Stands with no humanoid form." You glanced at Mr. Joestar. "I can also touch and interact with them, like I did for Hierophant Green. Also, and we think this might just be a radius effect, but Stands become more sentient around me. They think for themselves."

And….. just like that you lost them. It's hard to understand  such complex Stands when all they know is Many Punch, Tasteful Nudes, French Sword, Fire Bird, and Shiny Rock.

"So… You can't actually follow through with your previous threats?" Kakyoin asked cautiously.

"Excuse you! Just who in the hell do you think you are? I am a whole ass person shaped can of whoop ass and no weak ass Stand or Death Parade wannabe looking ass is going to beat me!" You pumped your fist in the air again.

"Whew- That's the sort of can-do attitude our team needs." Mr. Joestar chuckled. "Wait, that wouldn't be a bad idea!"

"Oh ho? Does the great Joseph Joestar have an idea? Careful, Old Man, thinking can hurt ya." You joked.

"No no no no no hear me out. You need to get back to the future, we need to stop DIO from murdering everybody and taking over the world." Mr. Joestar explained. "We both have to get to Cairo for DIO! Join us! You and your Stand are really useful!"

Surprise crossed your face before slipping back to its usual cool façade.

"Nah, I was kind of digging the idea of shriveling up dead in the desert. Although~" you drawled. "I guess, if you're so desperate for my help. It would be immoral for me not to help you, you're so old, even thinking about fighting DIO is going to trigger a heart attack."

You snorted out a laugh and Mr. Joestar did chuckle a bit before you realized something.

"Sooo. Who exactly DIO? Other than some bitch who wants to take over the world." 

As quickly as a light flicking out of existence, the once humorous and airy atmosphere of the group became tense and tragic. The utter rage, disgust, and hatred for this mysterious man was palpable. Even the fun and boisterous Jean-Pierre Polnareff extruded murderous intent.

"DIO is a very bad man." Avdol broke the silence, but found himself unable to say more.

"Thanks for the life lesson, Dad," you spit sarcastically. "No. Who is he and what might he have done to sound so familiar."

"DIO is a monster that was created by greed and a lust for power. He is a vampire who ruthlessly slaughtered those who took him in when he was orphaned at the age of twelve." Mr. Joestar explained grimly. "He rejected his humanity to become something monstrous and immortal, but even now, that wasn't enough for him."

"He's notorious throughout the Speedwagon Foundation, whose founder fought him a hundred years ago. I wouldn't doubt it if his story still circulated in your years, Y/n." Avdol completed.

"All of us are here now because of DIO. Polnareff and I were under his control because of a flesh bud, Advol was almost conned into the same situation, and Jotaro's mother, Joseph's daughter, is under attack by her own Stand because it was forcibly awoken by him." Kakyoin said, then shot you a soft smile. "And I guess you as well."

"Oh yeah! Eli did mention they were looking for a girl who could strengthen DIO's Stand, so I guess he is why you're here!" Polnareff's smile returned to his face at the prospect of making a new friend who was in the same boat as them.

"Y'know, think back on it, I do vaguely remember my friend mentioning your mom, Joots." That damned nickname again. "Stand Sickness is what we call it now. That might be where I know DIO from." You shrugged like it wasn't a big deal. "Anywho, now that that's settled, can we get out of the desert? I'm roasting to death."

"Oh! Of course! We have to get to the next town before nightfall anyways. To the car!" Mr. Joestar cheered.

You all piled into the three rowed vehicle. Jotaro and Polnareff sat in the way back, you and Kakyoin sat in the middle, with Mr. Joestar and Avdol occupying the front.

The road to the next town was filled with fill ins. They explained how they came together and how they defeated their foes that found them at every turn. You spoke of how the world has changed and advanced. You showed them your music and all the apps on your phone. You found that you were still connected to your home wifi at full strength, but you couldn't comment or post anything. All true contact to those in the future was cut off, but you could still consume media.

As the dust and corpse was left behind, you could feel the newly forged bonds between you and the men around you strengthen and grow, becoming more entangled and intertwined. And you felt happy about it.

[saedii-gilwraeth-simp]

TDC Social Media AU

Because I love me an AU. Send me asks if you wanted a certain theme (Love Languages, Post canon, Cuddles).

Mirabella is basically an Instagram goddess

Like, homegirl dances with fire and she can control the wind to move her hair or dress a certain way so her Insta is fucking aesthetic af

Occasionally can convince Arsinoe or Kat into a photo, but both of them are shy so the photo’s Mira has of friends are mostly Bree and Elizabeth, with the rare photo of Billy with Harriet and all his grandchicks.

She is Insta famous and people honestly love her. She is the pure bean of the Insta community

Kat is on Tumblr and has one of those really aesthetic blogs filled with fairy light photo’s and pictures of the back of Pietyr’s head (you know the type I’m talking about)

Pietyr once took a really beautiful photo of her reading a book with sweetheart wrapped around her wrist and all her followers lost their shit because “omg how are both you and your boyfriend gorgeous!?”

She blushed at that

Arsinoe is also on Tumblr but... oh my god

I don’t remember who said Arsinoe would appreciate memes, but they were 100% correct.

Arsinoe is the Queen of Memes™ on good old Tumblr.com and people love to just roll their eyes at her posts but cackle at them at the same time

She may or may not have created a meme involving an absolutely hilarious photo she got of Harriet and Billy

Billy may or may not pout enough for her to kiss him every time she mentions it

Just... Meme Queen™

Jules is on Youtube

She runs an outdoorsy sort of account that includes various stunts and the occasional trick with Camden

One day, Arsinoe made her do an unboxing video for shits and giggles and it maintains it’s position as Jules most popular video and features a lot of her glaring at Arsinoe giggling beyond the camera.

Jules is like the knife queen. It’s what her followers have called her.

Mathilde runs a twitter account where she makes random predictions that everyone says is crazy until they actually come true.

People are scared of her but her tweets still get heaps of views.

Emilia sometimes features on Jules youtube but by herself, she has a Pinterest

It’s mostly just photos of different weapons and a miscellaneous share of one of Jules videos

Still, a lot of writers repin her weapons and fighting technique posts for educational purposes 

Billy has facebook

It’s mostly photo’s of Arsinoe and the grandchicks entitled “What do you mean Jules, we totally have parenting experience?”

Jules sends a rather rude emoji back

There was one photo of him and Arsinoe just after they get engaged involving only a translucent sheet covering them that his mother lost her shit at, but other than that, he keeps it SFW

A true facebook mum. Shockingly

Pietyr has twitter and just roasts so many people

lets be honest, Pietyr is the most diplomatic savage ever and oh does he use it to his advantage.

It’s hilarious. he’s basically hailed as the saltiest person on twitter

Joseph Sandrin has MySpace because that’s dead too. Sorry not Sorry

The End

[chocolatemillkk]

Kid Brother II

Part Two of Part One

I'm trying to build a 4 or 5 part fic so bear with me! I'm totally open to requests in the mean time and would love any constructive criticism. Thanks for everyone's responses! 💙

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The bold oranges bleed into yellows and the sky becomes a muted blue as the sun's vibrance shines down on us. I wrap my blanket tighter around my shoulders, trying to ward off the morning chill. All of my girls were here and we were finally free enough to do something as simple as watching the sun rise over the sleepy town and my heart felt full. But-as there was always a but with me-a little part of me wished I had someone to share it with...romantically. I wish I had somebody else wrapped in this blanket so we could experience the magnificance together.

"I definitely need to bring Alfie up here soon," Zoe says as if reading my mind.

"It would be so romantic," Poppy scrunchles her nose. "Though Sean would probably talk through the whole thing."

We laugh when Anna says, "But you would love it."

I let out a sigh as Zoe leans her head on my shoulder. Every single one of my friends had been in long term relationships. They all knew what love was and I felt left behind. 27 and I didn't know what it meant to be in love. I blamed myself for it, obviously, I was so in love with my job that I always told myself work first and boys second. I didn't regret that but moments like these made me ache a little.

"You'll find someone soon," Zoe hears my sigh. "When you least expect it and you'll fall for each other and it will be better than what you imagine."

I smile at her optimism. And then the other girls find it funny to add on "and he'll have the biggest muscles you've ever seen," or "and he won't mind driving you around London traffic," while dissolving in fits of laughter.

"You guys are all so clever," I smile at my friends. "But almost half of those things are not even my type."

Zoe sits up and raises her eyebrows, "So what is your type Y/N?"

I think for a second, "Definitely not ripped, huge muscles are a turn-off!" Niomi sighs. "He's got to be handsome, strong-and that's mentally too! I love a good head of hair, he's got to be funny! And knows how to let loose..."I trail off as a certain someone pops into my head and I see Zoe's mind at work. "Got to be at least a couple years older," I add in. "Oh and taller than me. Nothing that starts with 5!"

We decide to grab breakfast and head back to Zoe's where most of us have to head back to our everyday busy lives.

"It was so relaxing being here, thanks Zoe."

"Stop working yourself so hard!" She complains as she pulls me in a tight hug.

"Hey! You should not be talking ms-throwing-christmas-launches-in-october!" Zoe laughs into my shoulder before releasing me.

"We need to remember to just hang out more."

"Deal!"

"It was nice of you to come by, sorry I wasn't home." Alfie comes up behind Zoe, peeling an orange.

"Oh at least I got to see your face in real life," I give Alfie a quick hug.

"Oi!" A voice echoes from upstairs. Shit I didn't know Joe was still around.

"I'm heading to London right after my video uploads. Ride with me."

I meet Zoe's eye and she raises her eyebrow. "May as well, I'm sure he'd like the company."

I shout an "okay" and excuse myself to go upstairs.

"How long is the uploading gonna take?" I ask Joe from his doorway. He's got his laptop in the middle of the bed while he stuffs pieces of clothing into a duffle bag.

"Should be 10 max. Then we can head out."

I step into the room and sit on the bed, "Sounds good."

Joe's eyes scan the room and then he sits next to me with his laptop. "I've been meaning to ask you if you could star in one of my videos?"

"Me?" I ask, confused since I'd never been on an official video before-just in the occasional vlog.

"Yeah, I sort of wanted to do a childhood type video next time I'm in Brighton. Mikey is making the trip to London in a few weeks so I was gonna take him with. And since you grew up with us, I dunno, thought it would add something more for the viewers. Plus they're always asking about you when you pop up on mine or Zoe's."

I consider it, "I'm not the best for something so formal."

What?! You don't have to be we'll all just be talking so no pressure."

I agree to it after he gives me some more details. Sitting this close, I can't help put drink in his features as he lays it out. When he was serious, Joe looked older but in a handsome way. I tried not to think more on it but my stomach started fluttering and I got up abruptly.

"Sounds lovely Joseph, I'm just gonna use the toilet before we go."

"Uh yeah," Joe looks at me funny as I fly out of the room.

I take extra long so by the time I'm done I hear Joe's voice downstairs. We were ready to go.

"No more portals, you're ruining the-the feng shui of the house." Zoe tells Joe as I step down. "The Feng shui?" Joe asks laughing.

Alfie lines up in front of the vlogging camera, "we've had a few ghosts show up through that portal. It's almost Halloween we don't want any more coming through."

"Joe's portal's creating tears in the fabric of the Zalfie house?" I joke and suddenly the camera's on me. Joe walks towards me as Zoe and Alfie chime in their agreement. "This is the lead archaeologist here at the Zalfie residence. Now what is it about these tears?"

"Archaeologist?" I ask Joe.

"Shh-scientist, now what were you saying?" Joe pretends to hold up a microphone as he angles the camera at us.

"These tears," I put on a serious voice and look into the camera, "are the result of the space portal Joesph Sugg has created and time and space is always a tricky concept wouldn't you agree?" I look at Joe who's been staring at me with a smile on his face. He nods while taking off his glasses and perching them on my nose. I almost laugh but bite my lip. "Nasty things slip through as Alfie Deyes has already told us so we need to let the portals remain stagnant for...2 months and...."

"16 days," Joe finishes.

"Precisely," I giggle as Joe takes the camera off of me and realise Zoe is doubled over giggling silently. Alfie is shakind his head at us but his smile reveals his humour.

"...so I guess we'll be taking the Mercedez." Joe explains. I walk away from him as he finishes up and give Zoe and Alfie another hug. Joe catches up to me and grabs my bag as well as his.

"What the bloody hell is in here?" Joe asks. "Just clothes, some toiletries." I respond. He shakes his head as he loads up the back. He sets up the camera on the dashboard after he turns on the car but he accidentally knocks it near my feet. There's an audible crack and we look at each other in horror as we reach for it at the same time.

"Shit," I say as Joe yelps. We pull back our heads and I rub the side before laughing. "Sorry you alright?"

"I'll be bloody fine what about the camera?"

I reach down for it, alone, and hand it to Joe. "I guess it's hard for anything to hurt that thick skull."

His mouth drops, "You're the worst at being nice!" I laugh evilly as he checks out his camera.

"That's weird nothing's wrong," Joe says and then points it towards him. "And it's been on which means everyone heard the real Y/N Y/L/N. She is as icy as they get ladies and gents."

I shrug my shoulders, "I'm a scientist just reporting the facts."

Joe raises his eyebrows and turns to the camera. "I am getting roasted so I'll just," he sticks his hand in front of the camera and turns it off. "That's really odd I swear I heard a crack."

I look down and suddenly spot the culprit. A small glass bottle of hot sauce is wedged under the seat. I pick it up and show Joe. We have a good laugh and soon we're on our way.

"How was the sunrise?" Joe asks after we listen to the radio for a bit.

"It was lush," I gush. "It was so many shades of the most beautiful colours, and it slowly lit up every single thing. It was so bloody romantic."

Joe laughs, "Romantic? You didn't even have your boyfriends up there."

"Well all the girls wished they were. Obviously I don't have one but if I did, that would be amazing."

"Aren't you dating that guy...Jackson?"

"Jacob? God Joe I went on a few dates with him three months ago. He was too clingy. That was so long ago!"

"Well I never bloody see you! You're always up at the crack of dawn rushing to work then rushing home where you work some more."

Joe is referencing to one morning when I bumped into him while getting coffee after I hadn't seen him in months but left after a two minute chat. He texted me afterwards saying how offended he was he wasn't worth more of my time-joking of course.

"It's just my job!" I defend myself.

"Yeah but you should take a break, hang out with friends. We live in the same part of London but I never even see you!"

"Well we lead different lives."

"No, next time I go out I am going to make sure you're there. And then I can watch you get drunk because I have not experienced that since your college days, and before that...senior dance." Joe laughs. I blush with embarassment.

"Fine, as long as it's not on a weekday and I don't have a date."

I go back to texting on my phone but Joe interrupts after a while.

"So...Justin?"

"Jacob." I correct him.

"Yeah, that bloke. He was clingy? What does that mean?"

"Well I told him from the beginning work's a huge priority for me and he said it was fine by him but after the third date he would get so annoyed if I didn't text him right away or if it took me over an hour to respond. He was too much."

"It takes you an hour to respond?"

"Ugh not you too." I roll my eyes.

"No-seriously Y/N are you that invested in work? I'm not so sure that's healthy."

"Listen Joeseph I get enough shite from all my other friends I don't need yours added in. That's like my kid brother lecturing me on working so much."

"I'm not your kid brother," Joe says.

"Obviously not!" I say-that would be creepy. "My kid brother is 21. I said like."

"I'm like your kid brother?" Joe asks and I could tell he was offended and maybe that was a little condescending but I was trying to ignore my newfound crush by saying what I should be believing.

"Ugh don't take it so literally Joe!" I pull out my phone again and browse through it as Joe stays silent the rest of the ride. When he pulls up in front of mine, I finally put the phone down.

"Thank you," I punch his shoulder lightly after he merely nods his head. "Why are you so moody?"

"Just tired," he comments.

I let it go, not in the mood to have any sort of discussion with him. Especially when he looked so hot that moody. "I expect to hear from you soon about that invite," I tease. "I'll see you around."

That finally gets him to look at me and his face melts into a smile, "You better be ready to go out with me."

My heart skips a beat but I play it off with a laugh. "You'd be surprised with how well I hold my liquor."

I walk up the steps to the apartment and as soon as I get inside I flop onto my bed. That was the most tense and emotionally confusing car ride I have ever had

[twentyonepilotsficlibrary]

Hi! I'm so sorry if this was already asked, but do you have any summer camp AUs?

no problem babe -Madi

Camp Echo Lake by sundaze (8/? | 12531 | Teen and Up)

After his mother ships him off to No Man's Land (Aka Echo Lake Summer Camp) for the summer, Tyler is forced to meet new friends, enemies, and a boy who Tyler thought was an enemy, but wants to be more than a friend.

The Lake Monster Effect by marsakat (1/1 | 1044 | Teen and Up)

Tyler has only ever been swimming in pools, and sometimes the subtleties of social interactions are lost on him. Brendon takes advantage, because when else can one convince a nearly 18 year old boy that there are such things as monsters?

Annual Camp Tinkota Camp-Wide Camper’s Challenge by suewritesthings (20/? | 23788 | Explicit)

Tyler has won the Annual Camp Tinkota Camp-Wide Camper's Challenge with his cabin of boys for the past three years, but this summer new counselor Josh seems intent on taking the prize, and, well, Tyler can't have that, can he? Featuring Jenna and Debby as counselors of a girl's camp who run a betting pool, Mark as beleaguered best friend, and lots of OC small children who make life interesting.

Is Close the Closest Star? by addictinthetrees (6/? | 7085 | Teen and Up)

From the moment that he saw Tyler in their church camp cabin, Joshua William Dun knew that he was screwed. Completely and utterly screwed. 

pink lemonade by culture_forbids (12/? | 20041 | Mature)

Josh Dun has been coming to Camp Thicket since sixth grade, now that he's a senior it's time for him to become a counselor. He's ecstatic but gets even more excited when he meets his co-counselor:

Tyler Joseph, is forced to work this summer at Camp Thicket to "get back in touch with nature and himself" by his therapist. He's got a grudge against being here, but his cute co-counselor could make the summer bearable.

Pine trees, roasting marshmallows, a cabin filled with angsty teenagers, and little to no adult supervision is enough to make anyone have a great summer.

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Taunting Goalies, Brad Marchand Comedy Hour, and Guarantees

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Brad Marchand? – Wait, really? The same guy who made a complete fool of himself over the weekend by licking an opponent for the second time this postseason, setting off the saddest controversy in recent memory? Surely he had the good sense to lay low for a few days, instead of going on Twitter and trying to land haymakers.

Apparently not. And you have to admit, as far as hockey player online roasts go, this one wasn't bad.

We'll give it a C+. Now stop licking people, you little weirdo.

The second star: This fan – OK, now that is the week's funniest Brad Marchand joke.

The first star: Shea Weber – It was a rough week on Twitter for the Habs, and I can't say I have any idea what's supposed to be happening here. But check out Weber, behind the table on the right.

He's clearly been told to dance, but he doesn't want to dance and doesn't know how to dance. I've never identified with a professional athlete more than right now.

Debating the Issues

This week’s debate: This is a debate. "In Favor" will be taking on "Opposed." But who's going to win?

In favor: Well, I like my chances. I've prepared my debating points, I've been working on my rhetorical arguments, and I think I've got the stronger case. So yes, I think I'm going to win.

Opposed: Wow.

In favor: What?

Opposed: Nice guarantee.

In favor: I'm sorry?

Opposed: You just guaranteed victory. You basically pulled a Mark Messier.

In favor: Well… I don't think I actually did. I just said that I think I'm going to win. It's not really the same thing.

Opposed: OK, Joe Namath.

In favor: Are you really going to make a big deal out of this?

Opposed: Of course. You just guaranteed victory. That's huge. The hockey world loves a good guarantee story.

In favor: Yeah, I know. I think maybe we love them too much. Because these days we can't get through a round without somebody making a vague statement about winning a game that immediately gets turned into a guarantee.

Opposed: No, you called your shot, just like P.K. Subban recently did. We'll see if it works for you as well as it worked for him.

In favor: But that's the thing. I never actually said the word "guarantee," and neither did Subban. He just kind of mumbled something about "we're gonna win a game." That's expressing confidence, which is what you'd expect him to do.

Opposed: That's still good, right?

In favor: Sure, but it's not a guarantee. Neither is saying "We'll be back," like Connor McDavid did. Or like John Tortorella did. Or like pretty much everyone does when you ask them if they think they're going to win the next game, because what else are they going to say? "I think we're going to lose"?

Opposed: Well, no. But they could sound a little less confident.

In favor: Sure they could. That happened… once. And that guy was never allowed to live it down.

Opposed: OK, but you have to admit, there's something great about a player making that kind of public statement. Fans love it. The media eats it up. The player's teammates probably appreciate it. What's the problem here?

In favor: The problem is that we're long past overkill. Ever since Messier wound up on that famous NY Post cover and then backed it up with a hat trick, we've been chasing that high. And now we turn every little expression of confidence into a guarantee story. It's ridiculous.

Opposed: I mean, if somebody makes a point of saying something like that to the media…

In favor: It doesn't even have to be the media these days! Mike Babcock basically says "see you later" to some random arena workers, and suddenly he's guaranteeing victory too. It's completely out of control.

Opposed: Well, there's no turning back now. You've guaranteed a win. You have to own it. You'd better come through.

In favor: I really, really didn't do that.

Opposed: Too late. Here comes the verdict guy.

The final verdict: Opposed wins.

In favor: Dammit.

Opposed: Don't worry. When you make a guarantee and then lose, nobody remembers it.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

All respected hockey scholars agree that the 1992-93 season was the greatest ever, and that year's playoffs were no different. By this point in 1993, we'd already celebrated May Day and been horrified by Dale Hunter, and we were just days away from David Freaking Volek, with Kerry Fraser's missed call, McSorley's stick, and Roy's wink still to come.

In fact, just about every day of that postseason provided a memory. Like tomorrow, for example. If we go back 25 years ago on May 11, we'd find a crucial overtime between the Kings and Canucks, in a matchup that featured future Hall-of-Famers like Wayne Gretzky, Luc Robitaille, Pavel Bure, and Jari Kurri. But with the series tied at 2-2 and the favored Canucks on home ice, the role of the overtime hero was played by this week's obscure player: Kings winger Gary Shuchuk.

Shuchuk went undrafted before breaking out in his fourth year with the University of Wisconsin, where a 41-goal season was enough for the Red Wings to make the 22-year-old Shuchuk the 22nd pick in the old supplemental draft for college players. He played six games for Detroit that season, scoring one goal and hammering one Cam Russell, while spending most of the year in the AHL.

That would be it for his Red Wings career, as he spent the next two years in the minors before being dealt to Los Angeles in the blockbuster Paul Coffey/Jimmy Carson trade. He'd play parts of four seasons for the Kings, scoring only 10 goals in 136 games. But it was his first playoff goal that Kings fans will remember him for, as he buried Robitaille's feed for the winner against the Canucks.

That was one of only two playoff goals he scored in the NHL. Shuchuk was out of the league by 1996, and went on to a career in coaching. He spent several years behind the bench in the NCAA, and was last seen serving as coach and GM of the Janesville Jets in the NAHL.

Be It Resolved

OK everyone, huddle up. We need to talk about something. It's been a long time coming, and frankly, I'm amazed we even need to have this discussion. But apparently we do, so here goes.

NHL fans, you are doing the goalie taunt wrong.

Not all of you, of course. But enough of you that we clearly need a refresher on how this works. We've already been down this road once before, when everyone insisted that you could taunt a goalie three seconds into the game, before they'd even given up a bad goal, or even any goal at all. That didn't make any sense—you can't mock a guy who's working on a shutout. Some of you are still making that mistake today, and worse. But it's become slightly less common, so that's progress. But now we have a new problem emerging.

First, the background: The goalie taunt has been around since the early 90s. It was "borrowed" from baseball, where fans would target Mets' star Darryl Strawberry with a mocking "DAR-RYL" chant. It made its way over to hockey, with the first high-profile victim being Blackhawks goalie Ed Belfour. When he was having a rough night, opposing fans would ride him with mocking "ED-DIE" chants. The tradition spread from there.

So while the taunt has been directed at countless players over the years, those are the still the two archetypes. They're the chant in its original, purest, most effective form. "DAR-RYL" and "ED-DIE."

Notice anything about those names?

First of all, they're using the players' first names. That's not necessarily crucial, but it works better—it's just way more condescending to use a player's first name. "BRA-DEN" is better than "HOLT-BY." "PEK-KA" is better than "RIN-NE."

But far more importantly, "ED-DIE" and "DAR-RYL" are both two syllables. That's the key. The chant only works if it's two syllables. Not one, stretched out. Not three or more, jammed together. Two. Only two.

You'd think that would be obvious, but you'd be wrong. On Saturday in Nashville, Predators fans went after Connor Hellebuyck with the taunt. Not only was it way too early—it turned out he played great in a 6-2 win—but even worse, they went with "HELL-E-BUYCK." That is not how this works, Nashville. We've all loved your transformation from questionable market into one of the very best fan bases in the league, but that doesn't get you off the hook. It's "CON-NOR" or nothing.

But that wasn't even the worst example. Back in round one, Bruins fans decided to target Frederik Andersen—and rightly so, because he was largely awful in the series. But Boston fans went with "AND-ER-SEN." What? That's unforgivable. The guy's first name is Freddie—it rhymes with the original NHL goalie chant. Hitting a struggling goalie with a "FRED-DIE" chant was the world's easiest layup, and Bruins fans blew it.

And yes, I know what some of you wondering: What happens if we want to mock a goalie and neither of his names are two syllables. Well, then you don't get to use the chant. Sorry. Jonathan Quick, Cam Ward, and Mike Smith are all immune. It's not fair, but that's life.

So be it resolved: The goalie chant has to be two syllables, and whenever possible it should use the first name. Making goalies cry is all in good fun, but respect the game's traditions, dammit.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Our pal Gary Shuchuk got to be the big story of those 1993 playoffs for about 24 hours. The next night, Stumpy Thomas had four points as the Islanders forced a seventh game against the Penguins, and Volek made history 48 hours later. That left one second-round series still in play, with the Maple Leafs hosting the Blues in a Game 7 that figured to be a goaltending showdown between Felix Potvin and Curtis Joseph.

That turned out to only be half true, as Potvin earned the shutout in what ended up being one of the biggest Game 7 blowouts ever. The Maple Leafs scored four times in the first period and were up 6-0 by the second intermission, with just about everything getting past Joseph as the Leafs cruised to the easy win.

And yet, all these years later, the one play from that game that everyone still remembers is one of the few saves Joseph managed to make that night. As we approach the moment's 25th anniversary, let's relive it here.

We pick up the action about 14 minutes into the second, with the Leafs leading by five. The game is basically already over, but the two teams are still going end-to-end because that's the only way anyone knew how to play hockey in 1993.

Our clip begins with everyone going "Oh yeah, John Cullen was on the 1992-93 Leafs." By the way, our play-by-play voice for this clip is Bob Cole, which I don't have to tell you will make everything that's about to happen roughly a million times better.

The Maple Leafs shoot the puck into the Blues' zone on a typical dump and chase. But this is a Norris Division game, so there are more hits in the next few seconds than we see in most full games today. Eventually, three players stop throwing checks long enough to realize the puck has ended up at center ice. Two of those players are Maple Leafs, so it's an odd-man rush.

Those two Leafs are Wendel Clark and Glenn Anderson, who I'm just going to go ahead and assume is humming "The Leafs Are The Best" throughout this entire play.

At this point, Clark winds up for a slapshot, and every Maple Leaf fan in the world knows exactly what's going to happen—he's faking the shot to set up a pass. We know this because Clark has been in the league for eight years at this point and has literally never taken a single slapshot in his entire career. He never had to, because he could put a wrist shot through a goaltender's chest. To be honest, we weren't even sure he knew how to take a slapshot. What would even happen if he ever tried?

Oh.

So yeah, Clark lets it rip, he hits Joseph right between the eyes, and Joseph's head falls off. [Does math.] Yeah, the physics checks out on this one.

The Gardens crowd, not surprisingly, doesn't have much sympathy, and they cheer louder for this than any of the goals that night. Were we all horrible people in the early 90s? I think we may have been. Ah well. Shout-out to the one fan who reacts to the play by clapping directly in front of the camera.

What comes next is my favorite moment of the entire sequence. Joseph pops up, apparently somehow still alive, and he tries to no-sell the whole thing like he's the Ultimate Warrior. It's actually a spectacularly bad-ass moment, right up until the point where Curt Giles runs over to give him a big hug. You can actually see Joseph try to turn away, but Giles isn't having it. He chases him into the corner like a concerned helicopter mom. It's adorable.

By the way, I have no idea what the St. Louis Blues did to Wendel Clark in a previous lifetime, but he apparently devoted his life to getting revenge.

Joseph eventually shakes off Giles and skates around trying to look tough while periodically checking to see if his ear is still attached. This would be a good time to remind you that this is the same series in which Mike Foligno kicked him in the face. I feel like every modern-day goalie who tries to draw an interference call by flailing around for ten minutes every time they feel any contact should have to go the penalty box for two minutes to watch old clips of Joseph shrugging off attempted beheadings.

My second favorite moment in the clip: Joseph still playing the tough guy when Kerry Fraser comes over and briefly makes him laugh. Poor guy just wants to look cool in front of his friends, and he has to deal with mom hugs and dad jokes. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE YOU GUYS ARE SO EMBARRASSING.

"The mask saves Curtis Joseph's life." Man, no kidding. Some things were better in the old days, but I feel like "Nobody's head explodes into a cloud of mist from a slapshot" was an improvement.

And with that, our clip ends. The Leafs scored another goal about one minute after this play, mainly because Joseph instinctively climbed over the glass and fled the arena as soon as they crossed the red line.

Epilogue: Clark tried really hard not to murder anybody for the rest of the series. Joseph finished the game and went on to a long career that included two stops in Toronto. Giles is still following him around trying to hug him to this day. And Fraser was so traumatized by what he'd witnessed that he vowed to shut his eyes the next time he thought someone was going to get hit in the face.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com .

DGB Grab Bag: Taunting Goalies, Brad Marchand Comedy Hour, and Guarantees published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/

[amtushinfosolutionspage]

DGB Grab Bag: Taunting Goalies, Brad Marchand Comedy Hour, and Guarantees

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Brad Marchand? – Wait, really? The same guy who made a complete fool of himself over the weekend by licking an opponent for the second time this postseason, setting off the saddest controversy in recent memory? Surely he had the good sense to lay low for a few days, instead of going on Twitter and trying to land haymakers.

Apparently not. And you have to admit, as far as hockey player online roasts go, this one wasn’t bad.

We’ll give it a C+. Now stop licking people, you little weirdo.

The second star: This fan – OK, now that is the week’s funniest Brad Marchand joke.

The first star: Shea Weber – It was a rough week on Twitter for the Habs, and I can’t say I have any idea what’s supposed to be happening here. But check out Weber, behind the table on the right.

He’s clearly been told to dance, but he doesn’t want to dance and doesn’t know how to dance. I’ve never identified with a professional athlete more than right now.

Debating the Issues

This week’s debate: This is a debate. “In Favor” will be taking on “Opposed.” But who’s going to win?

In favor: Well, I like my chances. I’ve prepared my debating points, I’ve been working on my rhetorical arguments, and I think I’ve got the stronger case. So yes, I think I’m going to win.

Opposed: Wow.

In favor: What?

Opposed: Nice guarantee.

In favor: I’m sorry?

Opposed: You just guaranteed victory. You basically pulled a Mark Messier.

In favor: Well… I don’t think I actually did. I just said that I think I’m going to win. It’s not really the same thing.

Opposed: OK, Joe Namath.

In favor: Are you really going to make a big deal out of this?

Opposed: Of course. You just guaranteed victory. That’s huge. The hockey world loves a good guarantee story.

In favor: Yeah, I know. I think maybe we love them too much. Because these days we can’t get through a round without somebody making a vague statement about winning a game that immediately gets turned into a guarantee.

Opposed: No, you called your shot, just like P.K. Subban recently did. We’ll see if it works for you as well as it worked for him.

In favor: But that’s the thing. I never actually said the word “guarantee,” and neither did Subban. He just kind of mumbled something about “we’re gonna win a game.” That’s expressing confidence, which is what you’d expect him to do.

Opposed: That’s still good, right?

In favor: Sure, but it’s not a guarantee. Neither is saying “We’ll be back,” like Connor McDavid did. Or like John Tortorella did. Or like pretty much everyone does when you ask them if they think they’re going to win the next game, because what else are they going to say? “I think we’re going to lose”?

Opposed: Well, no. But they could sound a little less confident.

In favor: Sure they could. That happened… once. And that guy was never allowed to live it down.

Opposed: OK, but you have to admit, there’s something great about a player making that kind of public statement. Fans love it. The media eats it up. The player’s teammates probably appreciate it. What’s the problem here?

In favor: The problem is that we’re long past overkill. Ever since Messier wound up on that famous NY Post cover and then backed it up with a hat trick, we’ve been chasing that high. And now we turn every little expression of confidence into a guarantee story. It’s ridiculous.

Opposed: I mean, if somebody makes a point of saying something like that to the media…

In favor: It doesn’t even have to be the media these days! Mike Babcock basically says “see you later” to some random arena workers, and suddenly he’s guaranteeing victory too. It’s completely out of control.

Opposed: Well, there’s no turning back now. You’ve guaranteed a win. You have to own it. You’d better come through.

In favor: I really, really didn’t do that.

Opposed: Too late. Here comes the verdict guy.

The final verdict: Opposed wins.

In favor: Dammit.

Opposed: Don’t worry. When you make a guarantee and then lose, nobody remembers it.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

All respected hockey scholars agree that the 1992-93 season was the greatest ever, and that year’s playoffs were no different. By this point in 1993, we’d already celebrated May Day and been horrified by Dale Hunter, and we were just days away from David Freaking Volek, with Kerry Fraser’s missed call, McSorley’s stick, and Roy’s wink still to come.

In fact, just about every day of that postseason provided a memory. Like tomorrow, for example. If we go back 25 years ago on May 11, we’d find a crucial overtime between the Kings and Canucks, in a matchup that featured future Hall-of-Famers like Wayne Gretzky, Luc Robitaille, Pavel Bure, and Jari Kurri. But with the series tied at 2-2 and the favored Canucks on home ice, the role of the overtime hero was played by this week’s obscure player: Kings winger Gary Shuchuk.

Shuchuk went undrafted before breaking out in his fourth year with the University of Wisconsin, where a 41-goal season was enough for the Red Wings to make the 22-year-old Shuchuk the 22nd pick in the old supplemental draft for college players. He played six games for Detroit that season, scoring one goal and hammering one Cam Russell, while spending most of the year in the AHL.

That would be it for his Red Wings career, as he spent the next two years in the minors before being dealt to Los Angeles in the blockbuster Paul Coffey/Jimmy Carson trade. He’d play parts of four seasons for the Kings, scoring only 10 goals in 136 games. But it was his first playoff goal that Kings fans will remember him for, as he buried Robitaille’s feed for the winner against the Canucks.

That was one of only two playoff goals he scored in the NHL. Shuchuk was out of the league by 1996, and went on to a career in coaching. He spent several years behind the bench in the NCAA, and was last seen serving as coach and GM of the Janesville Jets in the NAHL.

Be It Resolved

OK everyone, huddle up. We need to talk about something. It’s been a long time coming, and frankly, I’m amazed we even need to have this discussion. But apparently we do, so here goes.

NHL fans, you are doing the goalie taunt wrong.

Not all of you, of course. But enough of you that we clearly need a refresher on how this works. We’ve already been down this road once before, when everyone insisted that you could taunt a goalie three seconds into the game, before they’d even given up a bad goal, or even any goal at all. That didn’t make any sense—you can’t mock a guy who’s working on a shutout. Some of you are still making that mistake today, and worse. But it’s become slightly less common, so that’s progress. But now we have a new problem emerging.

First, the background: The goalie taunt has been around since the early 90s. It was “borrowed” from baseball, where fans would target Mets’ star Darryl Strawberry with a mocking “DAR-RYL” chant. It made its way over to hockey, with the first high-profile victim being Blackhawks goalie Ed Belfour. When he was having a rough night, opposing fans would ride him with mocking “ED-DIE” chants. The tradition spread from there.

So while the taunt has been directed at countless players over the years, those are the still the two archetypes. They’re the chant in its original, purest, most effective form. “DAR-RYL” and “ED-DIE.”

Notice anything about those names?

First of all, they’re using the players’ first names. That’s not necessarily crucial, but it works better—it’s just way more condescending to use a player’s first name. “BRA-DEN” is better than “HOLT-BY.” “PEK-KA” is better than “RIN-NE.”

But far more importantly, “ED-DIE” and “DAR-RYL” are both two syllables. That’s the key. The chant only works if it’s two syllables. Not one, stretched out. Not three or more, jammed together. Two. Only two.

You’d think that would be obvious, but you’d be wrong. On Saturday in Nashville, Predators fans went after Connor Hellebuyck with the taunt. Not only was it way too early—it turned out he played great in a 6-2 win—but even worse, they went with “HELL-E-BUYCK.” That is not how this works, Nashville. We’ve all loved your transformation from questionable market into one of the very best fan bases in the league, but that doesn’t get you off the hook. It’s “CON-NOR” or nothing.

But that wasn’t even the worst example. Back in round one, Bruins fans decided to target Frederik Andersen—and rightly so, because he was largely awful in the series. But Boston fans went with “AND-ER-SEN.” What? That’s unforgivable. The guy’s first name is Freddie—it rhymes with the original NHL goalie chant. Hitting a struggling goalie with a “FRED-DIE” chant was the world’s easiest layup, and Bruins fans blew it.

And yes, I know what some of you wondering: What happens if we want to mock a goalie and neither of his names are two syllables. Well, then you don’t get to use the chant. Sorry. Jonathan Quick, Cam Ward, and Mike Smith are all immune. It’s not fair, but that’s life.

So be it resolved: The goalie chant has to be two syllables, and whenever possible it should use the first name. Making goalies cry is all in good fun, but respect the game’s traditions, dammit.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Our pal Gary Shuchuk got to be the big story of those 1993 playoffs for about 24 hours. The next night, Stumpy Thomas had four points as the Islanders forced a seventh game against the Penguins, and Volek made history 48 hours later. That left one second-round series still in play, with the Maple Leafs hosting the Blues in a Game 7 that figured to be a goaltending showdown between Felix Potvin and Curtis Joseph.

That turned out to only be half true, as Potvin earned the shutout in what ended up being one of the biggest Game 7 blowouts ever. The Maple Leafs scored four times in the first period and were up 6-0 by the second intermission, with just about everything getting past Joseph as the Leafs cruised to the easy win.

And yet, all these years later, the one play from that game that everyone still remembers is one of the few saves Joseph managed to make that night. As we approach the moment’s 25th anniversary, let’s relive it here.

We pick up the action about 14 minutes into the second, with the Leafs leading by five. The game is basically already over, but the two teams are still going end-to-end because that’s the only way anyone knew how to play hockey in 1993.

Our clip begins with everyone going “Oh yeah, John Cullen was on the 1992-93 Leafs.” By the way, our play-by-play voice for this clip is Bob Cole, which I don’t have to tell you will make everything that’s about to happen roughly a million times better.

The Maple Leafs shoot the puck into the Blues’ zone on a typical dump and chase. But this is a Norris Division game, so there are more hits in the next few seconds than we see in most full games today. Eventually, three players stop throwing checks long enough to realize the puck has ended up at center ice. Two of those players are Maple Leafs, so it’s an odd-man rush.

Those two Leafs are Wendel Clark and Glenn Anderson, who I’m just going to go ahead and assume is humming “The Leafs Are The Best” throughout this entire play.

At this point, Clark winds up for a slapshot, and every Maple Leaf fan in the world knows exactly what’s going to happen—he’s faking the shot to set up a pass. We know this because Clark has been in the league for eight years at this point and has literally never taken a single slapshot in his entire career. He never had to, because he could put a wrist shot through a goaltender’s chest. To be honest, we weren’t even sure he knew how to take a slapshot. What would even happen if he ever tried?

Oh.

So yeah, Clark lets it rip, he hits Joseph right between the eyes, and Joseph’s head falls off. [Does math.] Yeah, the physics checks out on this one.

The Gardens crowd, not surprisingly, doesn’t have much sympathy, and they cheer louder for this than any of the goals that night. Were we all horrible people in the early 90s? I think we may have been. Ah well. Shout-out to the one fan who reacts to the play by clapping directly in front of the camera.

What comes next is my favorite moment of the entire sequence. Joseph pops up, apparently somehow still alive, and he tries to no-sell the whole thing like he’s the Ultimate Warrior. It’s actually a spectacularly bad-ass moment, right up until the point where Curt Giles runs over to give him a big hug. You can actually see Joseph try to turn away, but Giles isn’t having it. He chases him into the corner like a concerned helicopter mom. It’s adorable.

By the way, I have no idea what the St. Louis Blues did to Wendel Clark in a previous lifetime, but he apparently devoted his life to getting revenge.

Joseph eventually shakes off Giles and skates around trying to look tough while periodically checking to see if his ear is still attached. This would be a good time to remind you that this is the same series in which Mike Foligno kicked him in the face. I feel like every modern-day goalie who tries to draw an interference call by flailing around for ten minutes every time they feel any contact should have to go the penalty box for two minutes to watch old clips of Joseph shrugging off attempted beheadings.

My second favorite moment in the clip: Joseph still playing the tough guy when Kerry Fraser comes over and briefly makes him laugh. Poor guy just wants to look cool in front of his friends, and he has to deal with mom hugs and dad jokes. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE YOU GUYS ARE SO EMBARRASSING.

“The mask saves Curtis Joseph’s life.” Man, no kidding. Some things were better in the old days, but I feel like “Nobody’s head explodes into a cloud of mist from a slapshot” was an improvement.

And with that, our clip ends. The Leafs scored another goal about one minute after this play, mainly because Joseph instinctively climbed over the glass and fled the arena as soon as they crossed the red line.

Epilogue: Clark tried really hard not to murder anybody for the rest of the series. Joseph finished the game and went on to a long career that included two stops in Toronto. Giles is still following him around trying to hug him to this day. And Fraser was so traumatized by what he’d witnessed that he vowed to shut his eyes the next time he thought someone was going to get hit in the face.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you’d like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com .

DGB Grab Bag: Taunting Goalies, Brad Marchand Comedy Hour, and Guarantees syndicated from https://australiahoverboards.wordpress.com