#sorry to be a downer but i’m losing it rn.

[syoddeye]

“the next four years are going to be awful”

1. it’s been awful. it’s going to get worse.

2. it’s gonna last a lot longer than four years.

[zackcollins]

Good afternoon!!!

Well your predictions were correct because shit definitely hit the fan with trades so far. I can’t believe how badly I have hated every single trade this off-season (excluding those traded to the Kraken). Also, I really do wish I could be the Kool-Aid man rn in those commercials (references your reply from this morning 😂). All I want is to go to sleep and wake up when all this is over! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway, sorry to be a downer for a minute there. I am usually so positive but sheesh this trade season is tough, especially with this being my first time experiencing it. I hope your day gets better and that we make it through. Perhaps you’re right about maybe the weekend will be better. Sending you all the hugs, love, good vibes, and more forehead kisses bc why not? Take care of yourself today please! ❤️

—👑

Afternoon!

Not gonna lie to you, I've ignored my own advice and I've been glued to Tumblr pretty much all day to see who is going where. It's pretty bad when I can't even take my own advice when I know following these trades is gonna make me wanna jump through the wall like Kool-Aid man. Maybe we can do it together for maximum damage. Because like. I need a friend after some of the shit I've seen so far today. Also, mood. I'd just love to go to sleep and only wake up whenever all of this nonsense is over. I could most definitely use the sleep to begin with. So like. Might as well just get it now before the season actually starts and I slowly start losing my mind again.

You don't need to apologize. Not everyone is positive 100% of the time. Anyone that says they are is lying to you. Everyone has rough patches they go though whether they last five minutes or five years. Everybody is bound to feel at least a little sad once in a while. That's just how being a normal human works.

I hope your day gets better too! I tried to distract myself somewhat by changing my desktop theme. One of my friends said that she likes it, so that gave me a little bit of a confidence boost. Seeing her say that made me feel a little less stressed because it took my mind away from the craziness of the trades for a few minutes and helped me focus on something else. And thank you for the positive vibes, hugs, and forehead kisses! I'm sending them right back at you because it looks like you could use them just as much as me. Love you loads and take care of yourself too!

[celestianstars]

hi just wanted to send this to somebody but i just have this intense feeling of dread like things in life and my own personal life are only gonna get worse. And I’m very :( but i can’t sleep and all i can think about is what if my family loses our home or my mom loses her job like there’s no indication it’ll happen but with COVID and tr*mp as president I’m just expecting the worst for the rest of 2020:,( sorry to be Debbie downer just feeling real bad rn

Hey love I’m really sorry you’re feeling down about life and worried about things, your feelings are valid and the world rn is certainly really scary and there’s not many things you can look at that give you an indication that things will be fine and dandy soon

I think what you can try and do is remember that what your feeling is just fear, that’s all it is. You aren’t stupid or wrong for being afraid but often times fear presents itself as these big giant things out of our control that we also don’t know will happen and that uncertainty can add to the fear too

So if you can, try and make that fear small, try and visualize it as this dark orb in front of you that you can squish down and make smaller, cause like you said there’s no indication that you will lose your home or your mom will lose her job, it’s just a big scary what if that only hurts you to dwell on and it wants you to feed into that fear so it can grow bigger

You can also try and take your mind off things, try and do some things that normally cheer you up or put you in a better mood, just to give your brain something else to think of other than those scarier thoughts so it doesn’t just cycle and cycle and get bigger

I hear you and I hope you’re able to get some sleep and feel a little more at ease soon, as much terrible things as there are in the world, there are good, empathic people like you and countless others working hard to make sure we still have good things and hope 💖 you are loved and heard!

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Tommy

Ali: I am SO glad this holiday centres around drinking beyond reason

Tommy: Me too, like, But why are you?

Ali: I wouldn’t even wanna get into it if it weren’t for the fact I couldn’t with her

Ali: Obvious clue is obvious

Tommy: Oh darling, Kitty, what’s she done now?

Ali: It’s not even what she’s done

Ali: It’s her total lack of desire to try

Ali: I know I shouldn’t take it personally and it’s symptomatic of the bigger picture

Ali: But that’s the problem, it’s so hard to watch, to see it so clearly when she has no front to put up

Tommy: Yeah, it always puts a lovely, thick layer of extra dread onto my homecoming

Tommy: the regularly scheduled updates are bad enough & it’s not like I can do more for being back under the same roof

Ali: Oh God, please don’t start, it’s like no one wants to be here, pure depressing, like

Ali: That’s how I ended up feeling, it wasn’t like she wanted to come but you know, anxiety, strangers etc

Ali: Because my suggestions to alleviate those problems were shot STRAIGHT down

Ali: So she just doesn’t want to

Ali: but not just that, I should feel like shit for going and leaving her alone...which put like that, should I? I don’t even know now

Tommy: Honey, fuck that! I’ve had to veto Fi going full Elphaba on all our faces so that diva maybe this close to not, but there’s no stopping me, Will, Gwen or Steph 🥳🥳🥳

Tommy: she’s getting worse, I dunno what any of us are meant to do

Tommy: other than being certain that I’m not gonna let you have an utter shit time

Tommy: That’s what she wants, that way you’ll stay with her forever 💀🥀🕷🕸

Ali: Nice to hear some genuine enthusiasm, which is fecking ridiculous considering this is apparently every fucker’s fave holiday as standard, I swear everyone but Da is in a right mood atm

Ali: Thank God that everyone’s gotta let tourists be tourists for the 💸🤑 or your mates would need some serious babysitting 😏

Ali: Little green men is fully my groupies’ aesthetic so you’re welcome to out yourself any time, like

Ali: I dunno, I mean, she’ll be alright won’t she? It’s a fairly long sesh, I know…

Ali: Hence my life’d be a lot easier if she’d come for a bit but there we go

Tommy: My honoured guests have got it in spades & buckets tbh 🧶🧚‍♀️🍀🎩🌈 dress up is already well underway just can’t let ‘em also start 🚗💣🍺🥃 or they won’t last to see it in

Tommy: cba to stick in it a 🍼 you know

Tommy: how many groupies you got now? Only 👏 while it’s still underground, avant-garde & super niche, naturally

Tommy: What’s she got planned? Other than putting a 💔 hex on you and Carls

Ali: Sensible

Ali: And not in a scrooge debbie downer kinda way

Ali: Found out the tents for yous to sleep in but I’m taking ‘em out first

Ali: 🌄 are calling, obvs

Ali: Naturally 🙄 just don’t click instead that shit is TOO pretentious even for your lot

Ali: She said she was WELL busy, but you know, the usual I imagine 📚💭

Ali: Drew won’t pay her no attention way too busy with the tourists etc 💸🤑

Tommy: 👍 cheers 😸👼 you are

Tommy: 🍀 are calling, is what you mean

Tommy: 🙄 be a waste of a 🙏 I know it’s 1 of her other highly rated activities, like, but still, I don’t need to imagine the two of ‘em getting together rn

Ali: They make NO sense

Ali: Unless his thing is dating a girl like his sister, in place of the standard wanting a mum 2.0, which understandably is not his vibe

Ali: Suspect don’t cover it but we’ll see

Tommy: It’d make more sense if I dumped Will for Fi & suss wouldn’t cover that & that’s a NO from us all

Tommy: Excuse you whore! That’s Meena slander

Ali: You know what I mean though

Ali: Where did this come from, like 🤯

Tommy: 🤯 over straight boy behaviour since forever

Ali: I usually find them so boringly easy

Ali: not the brag it sounds

Ali: I’d rather get her again… I’d know what to do, before

Ali: It was safety, for her and us

Tommy: Before she would’ve followed you anywhere, you can’t keep her safe if she ain’t even gonna try to meet you halfway at anything

Ali: Like you said, nothing to be done, I suppose

Ali: At least today

Ali: I’m going to mass with her, she’s helping to set up, it’s something

Tommy: & I’ll squeeze in a 1 on 1 for me & her before I leave 🩰👒🎹🎤✨

Ali: Tah

Ali: If only getting people to spend time with her was the issue

Ali: Be fully booked if she wanted

Tommy: But like you said, it’s something & if anyone can talk her out of an unsuitable romance, it’s me 🧚🏼‍♂️

Tommy: don’t have your track record

Tommy: there’s at least a chance she’ll take my advice about doing better than a dealer 🤞 now I’ve got myself the “happy ending” of decent hair & only petty crime

Ali: None of my romances have been unsuitable

Ali: You underestimate how discerning her taste is when it comes to other people’s partners

Ali: He might not be Carly levels of demon but don’t mean you’ll find a nice word to be said, like

Tommy: put your claws away, Kit, talking Ro’s POV, Carls is my angel

Tommy: & I guarantee I’ve heard worse than she can dish from the other bitchy ballerinas who couldn’t get their 💅 in first

Tommy: simply not quaking, sorry

Ali: Just saying, if it were that easy, it’d be done by now

Tommy: just saying, I’ve not taken a turn yet

Ali: If there’s any day for luck…

Ali: It ain’t one where she’s decided to be in the worst mood ❌🍀

Tommy: I’ve only got the weekend, like

Ali: I understand her a bit better than that tah

Ali: as well as the appeal of prohibition

Ali: the more everyone weighs in on her being wrong, the more bolstered she feels in how right she actually is

Ali: one fuckboy mistake she’ll have to learn from

Tommy: & I don’t? PLEASE 🙄 No notes needed for this performance

Ali: She always gets worse when Bea comes back

Ali: I’ll be the one dealing when you all fuck off again

Tommy: I know

Tommy: so let me deal with her this time, Will, Gwen & Fi have all been here enough & they’ve got each other

Ali: Sorry, the moods catching

Tommy: She can run but the house ain’t grown any new hiding places & I remember ‘em all

Ali: She’s still small enough to fit in all the gaps and cracks, you less so

Ali: Anything is worth a shot

Ali: The party will be enough, loads of my mates are coming, yours won’t get bored 🤞

Tommy: True but when she gets in one she ain’t got the strength to get to another quick as I can 🐁🩰

Tommy: yeah, yeah the party don’t stop when I walk out, I know ☹️😏

Tommy: & Carls isn’t just my angel, she’ll save that bit of the day if needs

Ali: Tourists love St Paddy’s

Ali: and no one does it better than da

Tommy: if I were gonna disagree it’d only be to annoy him

Ali: @ the family group chat for that hilarious bants, Tommo

Tommy: 🐻👈

Tommy: 1st time I’ve used those not as a euphemism? Oh definitely

Ali: Please, you’re a couple of 🧚🏼‍♂️🧚🏼‍♂️s

Tommy: Tah, Darling

Tommy: flattery will get you an invite to the next teddy bears picnic

Ali: Bit rude to Carly that you think that’s my type

Ali: no 🧔s here

Tommy: It’s not me trying drive a wedge, she’s invited too

Ali: Thoughtful 😏

Tommy: You shall go to the ball

Ali: Glass shoes is an idea… 🤔

Tommy: One way to keep hold of your drink or stop a fight

Ali: Me and my shoes are keeping well out of any more fights, fuck that

Tommy: What is your outfit plan then?

Ali: I’ve got all the material to construct it now, I think

Ali: See what it comes out like 🤷‍♀️✨

Tommy: Fi don’t believe you can top last year’s

Ali: I love a challenge and a chance to impress, obviously

Tommy: chop chop 😼

Tommy: shameless distraction tactic I’m throwing at you, who?

Ali: Christ knows I’m running out of time with the to-do list never ending, hey ho

Tommy: Same tbh

Tommy: we’d better get back to it 🧹🎃

Ali: Fuck being a middle kid, right? 💔

Tommy: Honestly

Ali: You know what you’re getting Rocky yet, speaking of the little shit

Tommy: Probably that bow with the glowing arrows that stick to windows & shit, he keeps seeing the ad & reckons they’ll fly over the house

Ali: Alright, going for 🥇 sib, fair play 👏

Tommy: Sure you’ll have me beat with whatever you’re planning

Ali: I’ll think of something

Ali: Once this is all out the way

Ali: If ma will let us, we’ll take him camping with his 🏹

Tommy: Once all the 🍬🍫🧁🎂🧃 hits she’ll be glad to be rid

Ali: not the baby though 🙄

Tommy: thank god for daddy’s girl, yeah?

Tommy: you’ll never lose that 👑

Ali: try as you might, yeah yeah 😉

Tommy: 😏

[stimmyvillainarchive]

hey actually I know I’ve been joking around but I’mma. explain a few things cause I’ve been internally avoiding this topic for awhile cause I feel like I’m being an attention seeker if I go into detail about things. But uh friends are starting to notice lately I’ll explain. I’ll put it under the cut for anyone who doesn’t wanna read my icky stuff. Also y’all started sending in fun/chill asks while I was in the middle of writing this so sorry if it seems like it’s come out of left field.

(tw for religion/christianity/religious abuse and LGBT+phobia/transphobia/panphobia)

First I wanna say I’m sorry for my eratic, often non-stim related activity on this blog. I’ve mentioned being depressed but I haven’t really gone into detail. Some of y’all know the situation with my dad leaving and me having to work to pay for the bills. Good news is that shit has been for the most part resolved. my dad’s actually back and we patched up our relationship. I actually talk to him and communicate with him and him and my mom have worked things out. Which is nice cause now we’re all working and we’re all getting along better. So that’s nice.

But uh, during this time I started going to a church my mom and grandma attend. And I was kinda. a big deal there. I don’t wanna get into specifics but basically a lot of people know me now for it. And they made me feel special and good about myself. This part I know I talked about here before but uh. I wanted to be baptized on easter. And the guy who was going to do my baptism basically told me that either I break up with boo and go through what is essentially THEIR version of conversion therapy or he won’t do the baptism. that may not sound like anything to you but that. that shit fucked me up. really bad. I really trusted the people there and I opened up in a way I hadn’t before and now I just feel. like I’m disgusting when I’m openly queer or don’t conform to cis standards. Which was an issue I had worked out and now I’m going through all over again. I can talk about it some days but then others I feel like I gotta. shut up about it. It’s easier to talk about it online but irl it’s been much harder. And unfortunately the people at the church know where I work so on top of working a job I absolutely hate with a manager that DOES NOT like me, I’m constantly paranoid that someone’s going to walk in and recognize me (it’s already happened, but I’m scared to death someone like the person who was going to do my baptism will show up. I can’t tell you how fucking scary it is when the guy who would only speak to you privately and in a secluded area that you need to give up your gay in order to truly be a Christian knows where you work and where you live.) and honestly, I’m just plagued with neverending anxiety at this point. And it’s affected how I just. function. I don’t eat much anymore and I rarely get more than an average of 2-3 hours of sleep. I just realized today that for the past two days I’d eaten nothing but a hot pocket and a slim jim. Most of the time my anxiety makes me so sick to my stomach that eating feels impossible so I just. don’t. As for sleep I don’t really sleep because I’ve had constant and repeated nightmares so every time I hit rem I’m not in for long before I’m jolted awake. Last night was the first I’d actually slept for an appropriate time in months.

I’m dealing with a lot of shit rn, a lot of it is just. self loathing. So I’ve lost enjoyment in doing things that makes me happy cause I just don’t feel I deserve to be happy. Saying it out loud should make me. idk. know how to deal with it but it doesn’t. There’s been more than just the shit with the church and I’ve realized I’m kinda an idiot! and no one wants to deal with me because I’m too depressed and because I don’t act allistic. And before you throw in your “I like you!” asks 1. I’m not looking for sympathy and please don’t take this as a pity party, I’m just trying to explain things and 2. I don’t need people to lie for me or exaggerate things for me. Y’all don’t know what I’m like irl. I don’t follow social situations well, I mess up a lot, I’m too clumsy, I’m too much of a downer, I don’t wanna do anything anymore. It’s fine, I wasn’t cut out for this shit and I wouldn’t wanna deal with me either. No one owes me their time, affection, whatever. I’m not entitled to anyone’s praise. So, it’s cool. I’m just coming to grips with how much I really don’t like myself.

And uh. After that experience with the church I lost my faith. I no longer consider myself a christian and losing my belief in the one thing I felt I could always trust has further ruined me. Every christian community I’ve tried to participate in has rejected me for who I am. And I’ve just come to realize I don’t believe in the same stuff that Christianity teaches. I won’t go into super big details about my beliefs but yeah. These people would consider me a godless heathen at this point. And now I feel irrational anger or want to cry at christianity/topics about it. Which when you live in a Christian household with gospel music constantly playing and reminders about how much this god wants you to die for being a nasty faggot well, that shit is hard to deal with.

So yeah. I know right after this I’m gonna act more chill and more like my “who gives a fuck” self or. whoever the fuck he is. But people have noticed I don’t talk much anymore and that I haven’t been very active here. And I’m sorry about how inactive the blog’s been lately. Idk if this’ll forever be on a hiatus, I’d like to do more here again. But I don’t do anything anymore. The most I’ve done is draw something for elly and that’s about it. Cause now every time I try to make something I enjoy all I can think about is how stupid it is and how stupid I am for wanting to enjoy it and then I end up doing nothing all day or I go to work and then come back and do nothing. so in the meantime I’m sorry if all I do is bitch or make stupid posts, I’m trying to communicate more before I eventually lose the will to try. and I’m sorry if this post makes things awkward because I’m about to answer more positive asks and act okay right after I post this, but I’ve been avoiding being honest about this for awhile and my anxiety got so bad today that the only thing that’s alleviated it has been writing this. So, I’m sorry to the people who I made worry or that it seems I’ve ignored. I’m not trying to ignore anyone, but I honestly can’t muster the energy to just simply interact with people lately. I don’t think I’ll be abandoning this blog but idk if I’m ready to manage it properly like I used to. idk when I’ll BE ready but I’m sorry to those who’ve had to deal with my bullshit and lack of stims lately. 

TL;DR: I’m in a deep depression because the church I attended/was passionate about/was a big deal in rejected me for being queer, I’m in a constant state of anxiety and/or despair, I no longer enjoy doing anything, I hate myself, I work a job I hate, and I’m going to go back to acting like shit’s okay but people were suspecting something was wrong and they’re starting to worry so here’s my explanation.

[jeanmoreaux]

Hey friend….fellow escapist here. If awards for these things existed…I could be awarded, I’m 300% confident, a PhD in Escapism.

But ever since 2020 I’ve been suffering worse in the sense that books haven’t been able to save me. It’s a toxic paradise like you’ve mentioned in your recent post…that sweet relief that stories offer us….but it hasn’t worked for me in 2 years and more than anything that’s made me feel beyond salvageable

My connection to books has been the only thing I’ve ever had for myself. And now it’s gone. I can try to read but my eyes are on ADHD mode because it’s like words just start swimming and I zone out as if there’s this giant bubble keeping me out of the story quite forcefully

I don’t mean to be a downer. Just wanted to say you’re not alone and honestly your post gave me some feeling of validation 🫡

didn’t mean to say it can get worse 😭 anyways i always love updates from your blog because I get to know more books and writings so thank you for these little joys 🎁

we escapists are in good company <3 i am so sorry you're struggling with reading and finding solace in books. to have that connection blocked by anything would make me feel bad as well. i, too, am much too used to the escapism they offer... losing that would hit me hard. i hope that this is only a phase for you and will get better eventually.

and please don't apologise for the things you wrote in this ask! sometimes we have to air our grievances and just talk about what's bothering us. that doesn't make you a downer—it makes you human. and it's healthy to get all this stuff out (in the right context at the right time. i am happy my blog can be that space for you rn).

i hope you're having a wonderful day!!! <333

[whenwillweever-getwhatwedeserve]

'I'm fucked'

The only thing we know at the moment is that dad is fucked, in his own words. He sleeps, uncomfortably, because he's too drugged to stay awake, too in pain not to be drugged- the most vicious cycle I've ever seen. I no longer know how to be useful, where I'm meant to be, what I'm meant to say. He doesn't want to be touched, he's done with medication, with nurses, with everything. He's angry. No wonder. Mum is taking it in her stride as usual, don't get me wrong she's struggling- and it's heart breaking (an understatement) but God damn I'm proud of both of them, so proud, I count myself the luckiest lassie in the world to be their daughter.

Stand up to cancer is on atm. I know it's a good cause, and I know it's important but I can't help but shake my head whenever it comes on. 'three people try this new experimental drug to cure their cancer let's watch them have a jolly time on holiday and living their life' we need to talk more about the people who can't be cured. Sorry for being Debbie downer, but even myself I came into this thinking all the things doctors, and everyone else you know tell you. That there's so much more they can do now a days and cancer isn't a death sentance. Right now it fucking is- who prepared us for that? Noone. And I can't be the only person that feels like that. They tell you to catch cancer quickly and everything will be great. My dad first felt discomfort in June- being turned away from doctors, nurses, A&E about 7 times about his concerns. 3 months later we were told he was terminally ill- we didn't get a time scale, not the bucket list type situation that's romanticised. No, a drop everything in your life because this is life now. I'm 23, and my life has come to a halt but I need to be here, and life will hopefully be there for me when this passes. Now we're just over a month from diagnosis, he's becoming immobile, losing his voice- so we're making sure he's as comfortable as possible, because what else can we do? Yeah we have a macmillan nurse and nurses and doctors and my mum caring for dad full time and all those support systems- but it doesn't make anything any easier on him, on mum or on us. My dad always said 'we' re kinder to our animals' and by God is he right- but that's a whole different story.

People don't know how to act, they don't know what to say and it's totally understandable. With the exception of my fiance (who is a literal rock for me rn, and I'll spend the rest of my life thanking her), and friends who I could count on a few fingers who actually drop me a message I feel like I've been left in the dark. Everyone has their own lives, their own problems I know, believe me I know, but I don't understand why so many people have pulled themselves back. Maybe they haven't, maybe it's just how I feel. I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to let people down- so I avoid plans, but I'm not pushing you away. Please just let me know you're there- in whatever way you can, cause everything is fucked and I have no idea what I'm meant to do.