#sorry this took so long and that ive been absent aaaaaaaaAAA a lot has been going on for me recently asdefgfdjhdkhn

[elizaditton]

Too Small To Be Afraid (Chapter 13)

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I hardly absorbed any information at all during seventh period Koronian since I was so fixated on Derrick knowing about my fear. How long has he known about it? What does 'helping' me mean? What does he have planned for when we meet behind the school? Questions like these continue to bounce around in my mind as I stand on the balcony beside Brittney, not at all engaged in the conversation she's having with our deskmates.

I've only known Derrick for about a week, and he's already found out about my fear. I feel like an idiot. If my fear was this obvious to him, how obvious has it been to other pertheans?

What about the receptionist in the perthean lobby at the apartment? Did evading nearly all her questions make it obvious that I have a fear?

What about Mrs. Hudson, the perthean co-principal? Could she tell how frightened I was when I entered her office for the first time? Then again, I wouldn't be surprised if Dad told her about my fear, since they've been friends since they were deskmates in high school.

What about Kevin? I haven't been able to stop myself from shaking whenever he's around! And the way he looks at me... it's always like he's staring straight into my soul! Does he know I have a fear? Does he resent me for it? And not only is he Brittney's boyfriend—he's friends with Derrick, too... would either Brittney or Derrick tell him about my fear?

Kevin looks up from his phone, and his narrowed brown eyes pierce right through me. I'm unable to tear my eyes away from his as my whole nervous system is overtaken by relentless shuddering. What's he going to think now?

A hand rests on my shoulder, catching me completely off guard and causing me to flinch. I gasp and turn to the side to find an irritated looking Brittney.

"Hello?!" She says. "Earth to Kaylin!"

I blink a few times, trying to wrap my head around what she just said. "...Earth?" I finally ask.

"Well, I guess here it would be 'Perthea to Kaylin,' but you know what I mean!"

I slowly shake my head, not having the slightest clue as to what Brittney means at all. I look to Derrick to see if he has any idea what she's talking about. He shrugs.

Kevin sighs. "You and your Earthling vernacular."

"Hey!" Brittney says, stomping, "it's not my fault that I don't know which planet to use which phrases on!"

"You should still be careful with phrases like that, especially on Earth," Kevin says. "If a fed on Earth heard you say something was 'as red as a rotizelle,' they'd be all over you."

"Yeah, well... at least that won't be a problem soon," Brittney says with a sorrowful look in her eye as she crosses her arms.

Brittney, Kevin, and Derrick share a knowing look. I remember Brittney telling me back in stage two that she was from Earth, but aside from that, I have no idea what anyone's talking about.

"Um..." I pipe up, awkwardly breaking the silence between the four of us. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Oh! Well, it's a long story... I can fill you in later," Brittney says, pulling out her phone. "Great Barrier Reef! It's already 3:17! I better get going! Bye, you guys!"

Brittney waves at Kevin, Derrick and I briefly before speeding off.

"Brittney!" I call out to no avail. "What's a barrier reef?!"

"Well," Kevin says, eyes glued to his phone again, "I better get going, too. You know how my mom gets."

He fist bumps Derrick and turns away, not even sparing me a passing glance as I stand on the balcony wondering how it is his mom gets.

Once Kevin and Brittney are gone, Derrick turns to me and smiles. "I'll see you out back," he says with a wink before turning and walking away from the balcony.

I gulp, shivers running down my spine. What is it I signed up for?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I glance at myself in the mirror I hung inside my locker. I don't look that nervous, do I? My twitching eyes and trembling lip say otherwise. I heave a shuddering sigh and close my locker door. It's useless. I don't know how I'll ever get over this stupid fear. I don't know what Derrick had in mind when he said he wanted to help me, but whatever it is, what good could it possibly do? After years upon years of journaling, meditation, and not to mention therapy, I've found that nothing has helped to cure me of my fear. So whatever Derrick has in mind, I'm almost certain it won't do me any good. I'm going to be afraid of pertheans forever!

With every step I take on the path to my destination, I grow more and more faint. My legs wobble like jelly, and my insides reduce to mush. My mind swarms with questions and anxieties about this meeting. Is it really safe for a human to be meeting with a perthean alone? Does Derrick really want to help me, or does he have it in for me? Am I going to make it out of this meeting alive?

I shake my head. Of course I'm going to make it out of this meeting alive! Derrick and I are friends after all, and I'm sure he has no intent to hurt me. He probably just wants to help, like he said.

As I'm thinking through these things, the image of that twisted grin plastered across my deskmate's face comes to my mind.

"Let me help you, Kaylin," I imagine Derrick saying. "When I'm through with you, you won't feel a thing ever again!"

My head quickly twists from side to side. I can't go through with this! I can't go out there and let him do whatever he wants to me! I have to get away now while I still can! I stop dead in my tracks, turning away from the hallway that leads to behind the school and run as fast as I can to the elevators that go down to the lobby.

After a moment of standing around, a mechanical whirr reaches my ears. A tone sounds on the overhead speaker, and the door in front of me slides open. Keeping my head down, I board the elevator with some other students.

My heart sinks as I step into the cabin. I'm running away. Again. Is this all I know how to do?

The image of Derrick smiling flashes in my mind. This time, it's the smile he gave me when he told me he wanted to help me. There was compassion in his eyes. I could see it. I could feel it. I think back to his words. 'Let me help you...'

I place a hand on the elevator door as it begins to shut, to the surprise of the other students.

"Sorry," I say. "I... forgot something."

I exit the elevator, turn the corner, and head straight down the hall until I happen upon a set of doors. Doors like these that lead outside of buildings are usually marked as emergency exits, since humans usually dwell in the undercity unless they leave through a proper exit. These doors, however, don't share any markings with the emergency exits I've seen around this school. So, if I'm right, they shouldn't sound an alarm.

I take a deep breath and exhale. This is it. No more running away. I crack open one of the doors and peer into the outside world, wondering what awaits me on the other side.

I immediately shield my eyes. It's so bright out here! Right when I think I'm adjusted to this foreign place, a wind carrying the early spring chill blows right through me, leaving me covered in goosebumps. I wince, rubbing my arms forcefully. I didn't miss being above ground.

"I was starting to think you wouldn't come," Derrick says.

My heartbeat quickens as I look up at my deskmate. He's standing a few perthean yards away from the balcony, which I find a bit strange. His hands are tucked away in his pockets, and his gaze is fixed on the ground.

"I-I..." I cough, hoping it'll stop my stuttering. "I had some trouble finding the exit."

"I see," Derrick says.

He keeps his eyes fixated on the ground, and only looks up at me for a brief moment before turning his eyes back to the concrete. He takes a deep breath and holds it in briefly before exhaling.

"Um," he finally says, breaking the silence between us. "I already asked you this before, but... I want to hear your answer."

Derrick shifts in place before locking eyes with me. I already know what he's going to ask, yet I can't stop my heart from pounding and pounding! And I don't know if it's because of the cold Carmen air or just because I'm so nervous, but I can't stop shivering!

"Kaylin," Derrick asks, "are you afraid of me?"

My insides contort into a knot. Why am I so nervous? I already told him earlier! Maybe it's just that I don't want to tell a perthean about my fear directly. Whatever the case, I have to tell him. I can't go back now.

I look down at the balcony floor, unsure of how I should go about confessing my fear. Should I apologize? I already did that before, so maybe I shouldn't do it again. Should I try to justify it? He's just so tall, after all! Then again, I don't want to make him angry. Maybe I should just come out and say it. But standing here with my legs wobbling, my shoulders shuddering, and my throat drier than a desert, how can I?

"Kaylin?" Derrick says.

"I-I—" I stutter helplessly under my deskmate's gaze. I hold my breath, only for my lungs to scream at me to let the air go so they can take in more oxygen at an ever-accelerating pace. My heart skips a beat. I release the breath I was holding in and try to look my deskmate in the eyes.

Derrick looks at me blankly. I can't help but wonder what's going through his mind.

Unable to keep eye contact, I tear my gaze away from Derrick's and settle it back on the balcony floor. "Yes," I say.

There's a silence between us. The wind rustles through the nearby trees and blows through the grass that surrounds our empty portion of the school grounds. I'm relieved to have gotten my answer out, but I'm worried about what's on Derrick's mind as a result. Did he really mean what he said about helping me? Is he really sensitive like Brittney said? Did I hurt him by telling him I'm afraid? Does he want to hurt me?

I look back up at Derrick. His lips are pursed and his eyes, fixed on the ground, move back and forth as if he's deep in contemplation.

"When did this start?" he asks.

I gulp. Visuals I don't want to remember come flooding back to my mind. A short walk past the undercity exit through an enormous city above ground. A dark, unsuspecting alleyway. A tall perthean man with narrowed brown eyes.

I shake the thoughts away. I'm not going back there. "It's... always been this way, ever since I was little."

"But can you pinpoint a specific memory?" Derrick asks.

"I-I...!" I stutter again as I fall victim to my own thoughts.

The tall perthean man in the alleyway turns to me with a devilish grin. He's approaching me! His hands are coming for me, and I'm glued to the ground! I can't move! My heart slams against my ribcage, and my lungs gasp for air as I stand in place, unable to snap out of the trance I'm in!

"Anything at all?" my deskmate asks.

I grip the railing in front of me tightly, my brows furrowed in anger as I blink back the tears that threaten to fall from my eyes. "You... you need to mind your own business," I say through gritted teeth.

"What?" Derrick asks, confused.

"Mind your own business!" I shout, the tears I so desperately tried to blink back now streaming down my face one by one. I grip the railing in front of me even tighter than before, it being the only thing keeping me grounded in reality and away from the memories my mind wants to force on me so desperately.

"I'm... sorry I upset you," Derrick says, taking a step backward. "I... I should go," he says, turning around and hurrying away.

I look up to see Derrick walking away, his head down and his hands hidden away in his pockets. A burning guilt builds in my chest. What have I done? My friend offers to help me with my fear, and I chase him away? I look at my hands. What kind of monster am I? What's he going to think of me now?

"Derrick, wait! Please!" I call out. I just hope he can hear me!

My deskmate stops only a few more perthean yards from where he once stood. My heartbeat rings in my ears. I have his attention? What do I say now?!

"I...! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to snap at you like that!" I shout.

Derrick remains motionless. What I said must have really gotten to him. I feel horrible!

I breathe in and out. "When you told me you wanted to help me, I didn't know what to think. I thought maybe it was a joke, or maybe you wanted to give me a piece of your mind for being afraid of your people, but... I've been scared for so long."

I shift in place, not really sure what I'm saying or where I'm going with this. Derrick stays in place, only turning his head back towards me slightly.

"I... I don't know where else to turn," I say, gripping the railing in front of me again. "I could never ask this of anyone else, so...!"

I lean over the balcony as far as I'm able to, eyes fixated on Derrick's distant figure. Yes, I'm terrified of pertheans. No, I'd rather not be attending a deskmate school. But this one awkward perthean boy... he's somehow managed to sneak his way into my heart in spite of those things, and I'm finding that I don't want to lose him. Not over something as stupid as this!

"I need your help, Derrick!" I shout. "Please, help me!"

I stare onward at my deskmate, who is still glued to the same spot as before. Nothing. I guess he's not going to forgive me this time. I look down to the balcony floor in defeat. I knew this was too good to be true. An opportunity like Derrick offered me only comes once in a lifetime, and I crushed it. My fear became too much to handle in the moment, and in front of a perthean? Forget it. It was only a matter of time before I lashed out like this. I'll be lucky if Derrick ever talks to me again after this.

Footsteps, one by one, make their way towards the balcony. Anxiety swelling in my gut, I keep my head down as a massive shadow overtakes my little frame.

"Kaylin..." Derrick says, his voice trailing off.

I look up at him, not sure what to expect but fearing the worst. His eyes are full of wonder, and his mouth is left agape. He blinks at me a few times and smiles.

"I'll do it," he says, "I'll help you overcome your fear!"

I gasp. Maybe it's the chill of the cooler surface world air. Maybe it's the cold early spring wind blowing through my hair. Maybe it's the slightest bit of warmth from the sun peaking through the clouds. Whatever it is, it washes over me, relieving my anxiety.

"Th-thank you," I say, wiping my tears away. "Really."

"Don't mention it," Derrick says. "Now, getting back to the matter at hand..."

He lifts his hand and moves it towards me. What's he doing?! I stumble backward, almost tripping over my own two feet in the process. Derrick rests his hand over the balcony railing in front of me, his palm facing upwards. Shivering and shielding myself with my arms, I struggle to catch my breath after such an unexpected movement. I look at his hand, confused, and then look at him. This isn't balcony etiquette. Why is he offering me his whole hand?

"Shall we get started?" my deskmate says with a smile.