#sorry this is so badly written i may edit it later when i can actually think

[palaceoftears]

Both Hatice and Ibrahim are very ashamed of taking/asking something for themselves during the first part of the season, and that's why they're so secretive with Valide and Suleyman respectively, usually excusing their "lack" of personal needs with their close relationships, Ibrahim says he can't think of forming his own family because Suleyman is already his family (oh, the irony of him officialy becoming it w the marriage and that adding a new problem later) and Hatice, when she tries to reject Ayse's ideas of marrying her off, explains she doesn't want to be separated of her mother. Even then, Suleyman & Valide sense that there's something that isn't being told but they chose to think they know what's better for their loved ones and plan in consequence. In the scenes above, they know a little bit of ibro & hati's wishes but not the real cause: Ibrahim's desired travel to Parga is, in Suleyman's mind, something from what his vizier will return to keep on serving him like always, it's not the act of "rebellion" that Pargali is actually planning. On the other side, Hatice wanting the wedding's dissolution is perceived by Hafsa as caused by her daughter's fears of becoming an early widow again, so she's still not rebelling against what has been chosen for her or "destiny" (I find it funny how destiny and Suleyman's & Valide's wills are kind of synonyms atp), so while Valide reassures her of how she has to stay patient, she doesn't see a threat to "the order" (and if Ibrahim contemplating the possibility of not coming back is the threat for Suly, Hatice thinking of dying is it for Hafsa). Both Suleyman & Valide are partly right about tying Ibratice's words to the past traumas (the death of hatice's husband & ibrahim's lost of his family, even if Suleyman can't comprehend the dimension of the dylemma with his origin, conversion, etc), because they're indeed a big part of what it's going on, but they don't perceive the new desires, deeply entangled with the already mentioned pasts, their loyal ones dare to have, so the ruler and his mother can't see the "rebellions" coming at all, and that's why they'll react with a lot of anger once the romance is discovered even if they'll accept it at some point.

[fayrinferno]

The Escaflowne Movie CD Dramas

Time to share some thoughts about the CD dramas I recently posted (one, two). There’s so many topics I will just make a few sections. This is insanely long and... just insane again. So I'm putting a cut right here.

First of all, this was such a different translation project than I’m used to! Meaning, it was spoken word instead of written and there was no official transcription. That is the difference between these two movie dramas and the series drama (Thought of Jeture). ToJ had the whole script in the booklet, so that would make the translation MUCH easier. The only thing we have for these are the summaries in the movie Newtype Artbook. Anyway, it was a fight but I’m pretty confident with this translation.

Speaking of booklets, sorry about the quality of the pictures/scans. For some reason, these booklets are really deteriorating, dunno if anyone who has the same CDs can confirm, but they are yellowing pretty badly and what is worse, in an irregular way where one page is totally different color from the other. I don’t think the environment I store it in is too bad, there’s not a problem with humidity or anything and most of the other materials are fine but ofc, I can’t speak for the previous owner. Or it’s simply a feature. The booklets are printed on some textured, off-white (possibly recycled?) paper in the first place, so they were never white, but then there’s the yellowing. I tried to fix it a bit in Photoshop but when it’s irregular AND in color, my editing skills come short. BTW, I had a similar problem when I scanned Escabible, I just gave up and made it B&W cause the print was originally green on pages that yellowed with time. Anyway, these cd drama booklets have sparse contents compared to some others (there are only the song lyrics and credits and some non-specific artwork), so I included the scans more or less informatively.

Finally, to the contents. This is definitely more complementary to the movie than the novel which takes some different paths. I believe this one was made so that it doesn’t contradict anything in the movie, although some things leave you guessing. We’ll get to them later. Which may be one of the reasons why it's kind of hard to be in the drama setting and not to feel like “this is just another Escaflowne AU” but realize it is an actual prequel/prologue to the movie. It has all the scenes that you would have in yet another Escaflowne retelling, such as:

sketch of Hitomi’s relationship with Yukari

Hitomi’s suddenly getting isekai’d and realizing it by observing Earth from Gaea

Hitomi meeting Van under dramatic circumstances (though I must say this is probably their most civil first encounter, there’s practically no fighting!)

meeting with other characters like Allen and Millerna (the Van and Allen fight is practically a copy of the movie fight… even bears resemblance to their first series encounter)

introduction to other characters like Folken, Dryden, and Dilandau

I get it, I get it. This was a case of amnesia in the end. But we are just more used to AUs in this fandom, haha. I also get you would want cameos to every character with a semblance of a fandom in a new franchise material. But I can’t shake the feeling they weren’t trying all that hard to tie things into the movie perfectly, although the cd drama is described as its prequel.

For clarity, I still consider the cd dramas and the movies the same universe and the things that happened in the drama as canon for the movie. There is also the movie novel, which I will publish in the future, but that one is another beast and I wouldn’t necessarily say things that are true there are some secret lore for the movie that was just never mentioned. It’s more up to the decision of the reader whether you accept them into your movie headcanon (because some of the novel lore contradicts the movie so how much can you believe the rest of it?) The multiverse is quite insane already but yes, this happens, with other titles as well.

BTW, it is neat they included Dornkirk’s seiyuu in the voice of Orm. This is a pretty mysterious character but he fulfills the role of the deus ex machina for the whole thing, never to be mentioned again in the actual movie. It is through him we learn more about Folken and Van, which would otherwise have to be spoken about by themselves in a voice drama/movie, and yeah, we all know the odds of that. Anyway, he is not human. He is not Dragon Clan, because that’s people like Van and Folken. And yet, he changes into a dragon. Is he actually a dragon god? One of the two who created Gaea? I guess not if it’s the two princes who decide the fate of Gaea instead of him. Perhaps he lost his power or there were lesser dragon gods? Or he’s not a dragon at all; it’s just sorcery of some sort. He says he’s just a sorcerer, after all. But he looks like a goblin. It took me a while to realize and you may not remember either, but the movie also has madoushi or sorcerers, except they don't look exactly human.

Rather, they resemble the series Ispano and their work with on Alseides confirms this. So now I believe this Orm could possibly be one of these guys (maybe before whatever it is that got done to them?) and he shows his true form to Hitomi. And when you think of it, much like Ispano, Orm acts as a sort of “insurance” against world destruction. The topics just keep recurring it seems.

Anyway, I just made some notes about these cd dramas and grouped them according to the topic.

Physical descriptions of the characters

If you introduce a character in an audio drama like this, you have to introduce them through the narrator’s voice, similarly to a book. That’s why Hitomi has to spend more time describing Orm’s shiny eyes, protruding teeth, etc. than she does with the known characters with a known design, who, all with the exception of Van, get just about one sentence. She spends some more time describing Van and although she observes how “beautiful the two look in their fight” (I had to make a note of that), she never spares a second thought to Allen, or any of the other handsome men she sees. No more love triangles, the soulmate game here is too strong! 

Anyway, in this material, Hitomi describes Van’s eyes twice with a word that literally means “see-through”. It felt odd but it is apparently a set expression, unless they tried to involve some double meaning. It’s apparently a synonym of clear/shiny/sparkly/pure/beautiful eyes… you can buy contact lenses that promise to do this for you in Japan lol. I translated the novel as well and there are more strange descriptions of his eyes in there, maybe that’s why it felt so significant. There is also a bit of a difference compared to the series materials, where they would just describe the color in a way you would describe a specific shade of blue or any other color. In any case, however literally or not they meant this, Van has pretty eyes, as we already knew. It was also funny when Millerna described him as cute and connected it to whether he would want to join Abaharaki. Like a cute face was a prerequisite or something lol. But she’s probably on about him being too tsun despite the face.

Another thing we discussed during editing was this “sign of the king” that was shown already at the time of Van’s birth… and wasn’t at the time of Folken’s. At first, I thought very simplistically that it may have something to do with the tattoos (or would they be markings then)? But that doesn’t seem to be the case and they are confirmed to be tattoos for the novel, although it doesn’t seem anyone else from the Dragon Clan would have them there. In the movie, on the contrary, young Dune and even Van’s mother are shown to have them as well, so the meaning of them could have been different. Back to the “sign of the king,” I returned to that part of the translation later and it seems it was something that the seers saw in their prophecies after all. Some symbol of the dragon king that was not specified. Sidenote, I pitied and blamed Dune’s mother at the same time. Poor guy.

This got all about Van again but I don’t think anyone else was given enough description to even discuss? It’s clearly obvious who Hitomi’s love interest is. I would say it makes it clearer than the movie itself, because it has these inner monologues and it’s pretty romantic already despite the two barely knowing each other. I would even say Van’s behavior is gentler than any other iteration (?) But when you think of it, the cd dramas are usually THE fanservice materials, aren’t they? So obviously, they would give most attention to the popular characters and ships… but let’s get to the more pragmatic stuff.

When do the Prologues take place?

The two prologues obviously happen before the movie but how long before that? Let’s check some placeholders and see what we can figure out.

“the winter of my sixteenth year” “not even a spring break yet” “soon, you’ll be a third year”

High school in Japan is three years with the school year starting in spring. So I believe this is happening at the end of Hitomi’s second year. Her age of 16 fits. In the movie materials, her age is described as 17, so somewhere between the two, she also has her birthday. Could it be in December, same as in the series? That would make the window for the drama very narrow, because it’s winter but not yet 9th of December. We can't probably take that date as a reference, anyway.

“is the way to the Mystic Moon closed now?” “yes, for now. But once the moon is full again…”

This is something Folken and Sora speak about in cd 1 when Van deflects Orm. But then it is Van who reaches out to Hitomi first before they can do as they plan. At the end of cd 2, Folken asks Sora to open the path again so I assume these conditions still apply. Then the movie may be one or several months after the events of the cd drama, since they need the full moon. Well, if the Moon works and time passes the same on both planets…

I believe this takes place in a range of one to few more months before the movie. Why? Folken asks Sora if the way to the Mystic Moon is closed. And Sora says, it is, "but once the Moon is full again..." Unclear which moon, but we could assume their moon, the one with the eye. Looks similar to our moon, and if it was the same, it would have been one month. But then, the movie is definitely not taking place in the winter, like this drama. So, when is it?

Let’s look at the placeholders from the movie directly. First thing we have is Hitomi’s watch, which says, SA 18th, 16:15:28. Normally, SA would stand for Saturday, the screen of her watch (or the information on it) even looks pretty similar to existing models of Casio Chronograph/Illuminator:

You may wonder why she would be at school on Saturday afternoon but it was normal at the time of the movie production, Japanese students only had Sundays off. They talk about some plans next day on the train right after the rooftop scene and Hitomi asks Yukari to give her a wake-up call in the morning, which would fit. You see them having a bit of fun and it doesn’t seem the next day yet, they are still in their uniforms. Later at the stairs (although it is not in the subs I had), Yukari says they will see each other at school tomorrow. But shouldn’t it be Sunday next day? Or is what we see already the next day, the thing they made plans for? But why not dress casually, then? And aren't they on the train to/in Tokyo already when they discuss this? I guess this theory is not too likely, then.

It’s actually baffling. Because the scenes also do not follow in a linear way; you see them on the train, there is a shot of Hitomi at the stadium already, then they walk around Harajuku/Omotesando, and back on the train where they are held-off because of an accident at Yoyogi. Yoyogi station is on Yamanote line, the circular line going around Tokyo. That station, Harajuku, Omotesando, Meiji Jingu, National Stadium… it’s all in the same wide area but maybe it’s a bit too much for walking, unless they had a lot of time. I mean it would take them almost two hours just to get to that athletics stadium if they left their school right after the roof scene at 4 pm (according to her jersey, the school is still in Kamakura). But they don’t even have their school bags, Yukari just has a small shopping/gift bag it seems. Did they put them in a coin locker on the station or something? In the novel, they just run away from school (or rather, from an angry teacher), so that would make sense with the bags if they at least had some money on them but it seems too late in the day to do that. But I guess it’s still the best explanation. The sun sets around 7 pm at that time of the year in Tokyo. But that still doesn’t explain why Yukari says “see you at school tomorrow” when it should be the weekend. If she meant cram school, guess she would say that and not school. Maybe there’s something I’m missing that puts it all together. Or they are doing this on purpose. EDIT: I just reread this for possible typos and it came to my mind that the plans Yukari and Hitomi have could be for Sunday AND at school. Yukari says, "you promised, remember?" which made me feel like she was worried Hitomi would just cancel but it may actually be something of a favor to Yukari? IDK, for example, helping her cleaning the club room or something? She DOES use "kureru" which means that she hopes Hitomi will do this "for her". That's a thought...

Anyway, I researched the watch a bit and if the display was really like a digital Casio Chronograph, we wouldn’t know the month from looking at the screen (some models have the full date but this type, only the day of the month). But what can we guess about the month from the movie itself? It's not full-blown spring, otherwise we would see at least one blooming sakura tree, I guarantee it. In similar vein, if it was the height of summer, there would be sound of cicadas (June to September). Late spring/early summer or early autumn is my best bet based on the greenery we see, plus Hitomi and Yukari wearing the summer uniforms (the school uniform would have a version for cold and hot days) and people wearing tshirts and summer dresses in Tokyo. Then it would be about half a year after the cd drama.

But here’s a crazy thing: Hitomi’s watch is shown once again on Gaea and it has SA 19th 17:05 on it. It is the next day compared to the roof scene where it's 18th but also it's still SA… This confused me so much I even checked the settei but I didn't learn much besides that it's her favorite watch and the pattern you see above the screen is an image of an angel that can be backlit in the dark and that she only checks the time once while on Gaea. The settei uses the time from the roof scene btw.

So does the SA stand for month after all? SA for sangatsu (March)? It doesn’t look like March in the scenes with Yukari, I mean, March is the graduation month, remember? Sakuras would be everywhere and they would wear jackets. Could it be then they simply forgot to change SA to SU? That would be the smoothest explanation in fact. Or is there some significance to this? Something something her watch has stopped like that time at the Tokyo Station when she was a child? Anyway, let’s recap the options, since, as usual with the franchise, there is a hole in each and every one of them:

If the roof is on Saturday 18th and the stadium are the same day, then next day we see her watch on Gaea and it’s “SA” 19th… then where did they leave their school bags and why is Yukari telling Hitomi she’ll meet her tomorrow at school if it should be a day off?

If the roof is on Saturday 18th and the stadium on Sunday 19th evening… then why are they wearing school uniforms on Sunday and why are they on a train to Tokyo on Saturday and why should her watch show the “SA” 19th 5 pm after she came to Gaea and slept for some time at the caravan?

If SA is not for Saturday but for the month of March and the roof scene could be any weekday… then why is her watch different from regular Japanese digital watches and why doesn’t it look at all like March outside?

And if SA is neither for Saturday nor sangatsu... then WHAT? I think it could be a subtle “Stop Asking” by the creators, lol.

Or, you know what, her watch did not take the interplanetary travel and the liquid in Escaflowne cockpit too well and broke. That’s my best explanation offer I guess (besides an animation error).

Why does Van not remember Hitomi in the movie if he has already met her?

I consider this the elephant in the room: okay, Hitomi went to Gaea before but Orm used his magic to bring her back and make her forget. But what about everyone else who met her, back on Gaea? Which would be Van, Allen, Millerna, Gaddes, Jajuka, Sora, and Folken? I believe some of their reactions in the movie, but especially Van’s in the beginning, confirm that they don’t remember that encounter.

But how can you erase someone from several people’s memories at once? Even if you erase the memory of her, her actions on Gaea leave some impact… Folken literally swears to bring her back again and he does in the movie. Moreover, in the cd drama, the location of Escaflowne is revealed to Folken through Hitomi’s ancient memories (as Sora spies on her telepathically). The first scene of the movie has Van stealing the armor from Black Dragon Clan’s ship. I believe this ties nicely to the “Escaflowne is discovered underneath Torushina” from the ending of the cd drama. Basically, some time has passed, and BDC dug out Escaflowne, now transporting it to Folken. Meanwhile, Folken is trying to summon Hitomi back because with her and Escaflowne, he apparently has all the ingredients for his plan.

When it comes to Abaharaki, apparently, the cd drama gives us a scene of their first meeting with Van. So, it has not been all that long that he was with the Abaharaki. But since he is with them in the movie, this event from the cd drama is also something that did not get reversed by Orm sending Hitomi back. It’s hard to wrap one’s head around. Allen, Millerna, and Gaddes come across Hitomi and Van because they were apparently in the vicinity and “saw a light”. This is all happening in a “holy land” that bears the name of Arzas, btw.

But if Van wasn’t summoning the Wing Goddess, why would he even go there? Why would Allen come check if there was no light from her arrival from Earth? Of course, the meeting of Van and Abaharaki might have happened anyway, by pure chance. After all, Merle in the movie says they “met on the battlefield”. For the Abaharaki, they “could not take a better look” at Hitomi before she was snatched away by Jajuka and they’ve never seen her again in the drama. So I guess their movie reactions would be plausible even if they did remember Hitomi’s first arrival in the cd drama. But Van is just a big question mark and either their meeting “never happened��� or his memory got erased.

So Orm changed into a dragon and took Hitomi, her memories, and apparently Van’s memories away. Then what, was Van just left standing there, wondering what happened and why he even went out there? How about Merle, who went with him to rescue Hitomi? She would remember that the Wing Goddess was there, wouldn’t she? Even though she hasn’t seen her in the cd drama. This adds Merle to Allen, Millerna, Gaddes, and Mole, who form a group of characters who knew of the Wing Goddess coming to Gaea but wouldn’t know her face.

Then we have another group formed by Van, Folken, Sora, Jajuka, who had also seen her. Out of all these, Van is the only one who is confirmed to have forgotten. Others may as well remember everything, because they go retrieve Escaflowne and eventually Hitomi. Interesting. So I guess the first group may remember her arrival, they just don’t know how she looks. The second group, minus Van, could know everything. Van was apparently made to forget by some effect of Orm’s sorcery. Either he forgot her face or their whole encounter. That, or it never happened.

Another variation is, only Folken and Sora remember Hitomi. I guess that would make some sense, since Sora seems to be the one ‘in the know’ about everything, together with Orm, and to some extent, Folken. Then again, Van is a pretty strong magic user himself as we discover, so why would Folken and Sora be able resist Orm’s magic and not him?

I guess this could be explained by Orm’s final scene, where he sounds pretty mad at Van. Which is interesting. He’s not cross with Folken who wants to destroy the world, he’s angry with Van cause he is using Hitomi as a tool for his revenge which will just cause her more sorrow. So, does he in fact only seal her away from Van or erase only his memories? Because Van is not ready to lift Hitomi’s spirits and ease her loneliness? It seems Orm puts some hopes of saving the world into Van and is disappointed that he doesn’t realize what he needs to do. Then again, how would sealing Van away and leaving the path open for Folken help? Perhaps Orm meant to seal her away from both brothers but Sora overcame that magic? It’s frustrating that they just won’t.let.us.know.

But I believe Van having no memory of their encounter could be why (besides the obvious resonance of their depressed souls) Folken is the one to bring Hitomi to Gaea in the movie. Van isn’t even trying to reach her anymore like he does in the cd drama, it seems he is 100% focused on obtaining Escaflowne. Which I guess was his mindset in the first place even as he, on his own volition, went out and whisked Hitomi away from Earth, which coincidentally made for a pretty romantic scene but you can still see he’s all about obtaining the armor. I mean it is logical, once he knows BDC has Escaflowne, it means everything to take it out of their hands. It is also sort of parallel to the series when he asks her pragmatically and logically to help him against Zaibach without considering her feelings.

But really, nothing like, “You’re the Wing Goddess? Few months back, I tried to summon you from the holy land of Arzas, using all the magic taught to me by the beast clan but you left me on Read?” Ahh yes that would be uncharacteristic to disclose by this particular character, I get it.

So what do you think? Did Orm make him forget or did he revert Hitomi’s whole first visit to Gaea?

“Ancient Gaea”

What is also pretty blurry is this whole “Wing Goddess lived on ancient Gaea and she met Van then… but she has forgotten.”

Okay, what do we know of this “ancient Gaea”? We know the Wing Goddess as well as “Van” in some form lived there and then. And they were “alike” in some way. Orm calls them “twins” or “gemini” which I do get may sound problematic (I translated it as “two of the same kind” in the end) but I don’t think he means they are related. Also, “dragons” lived on this Gaea. I don’t know, as I listened to this part with the series soundtrack in the bg, I suddenly got the feeling like they talked about the series. Which makes not much sense of course. There is no proof of that. Movie Escaflowne is different, the series one didn’t destroy the world… it doesn’t work. But I still got a nostalgic feeling like that.

Then the last thing we know is Escaflowne actually destroyed some major city… I guess, likely in battle with the movie Alseides, they just laid ruin to this ancient Gaea civilization, whatever it was. In this battle it seems, Escaflowne could have been buried by rubble of what could have been the predecessor of Torushina, which itself could have been gradually built upon the ancient city ruins. That’s all we know. Anyway, I kinda hate when Sora teases like “could we bring back the ancient memories of the Wing Goddess?” Don’t give us hope if you’re never, ever gonna deliver, dammit. Maybe I should deliver in fic form haha (no I will not start another project).

Random thoughts after watching the movie after having translated the drama

Now that I think of it, the movie actively avoids any direct reference to the events of the cd drama. But after giving a proper attention to the CD drama, you see echoes of it in the movie, echoes of Hitomi remembering on some level after all. Like, when they are frolicking with Yukari, and she hears Sora’s song… she immediately understands someone is calling. It’s not “I hear a song nobody else seems to hear” anymore, it’s her immediately understanding that Yukari doesn’t hear it and that she’s being called.

BTW, what I humbly believe the movie subs/dubs could have done a little better was the scene with Yukari at the stadium. Hitomi tells Yukari she’s annoying for meddling in her life. She says “annoying” and “just disappear” repeatedly and there is this transition from when it seems like she’s really calling Yukari  “annoying” and muttering she should “go away” to when you understand that she is talking about herself. Hitomi is the “bad guy” and she’s the one who should “disappear”. If you use “fade away” it doesn’t click so much because you don’t tell another person to “fade away”.

Also, in cd 1, when Hitomi sees Van for the first time and the dragon fossil in the face of the mountain. I got this weird feeling it could be Van just before he takes off to kill everyone on the Black Dragon Ship and steal Escaflowne in the very first movie scene. Because yes, we see the mountain with the dragon fossil in that movie scene (presumably one of the twin gods Van prays to), he prays for the death of his enemies (that he does massacre in the movie opening scene), even the music is the same... because Bird song is the first part of First Vision, the OST for the first scene of the movie.

Or perhaps, for Hitomi's “first vision”, and it refers to this scene from the drama? Of course, nothing gets confirmed here either. Anyway, if she sees Van in real time, what would he be doing at the time she’s under Orm’s spell on the train? Well, apparently, he is aware of Orm’s actions, and with support of the elders from the wolf village, he is trying to intercept him. Which he does later, in the cave. But would his preparation for that be this? Wishing death upon his enemies with the sword drawn and then flying off… idk, it fits the movie scene better.

This post got really speculative so I’ll just stop here but I think I’ll make one or two other posts. One will just have the movie trivia without as much of my speculation. Another will be a bit critical because while I like Escaflowne in all its forms, I did get a bit frustrated here and I should let it out.

[queerofthedagger]

how do you find motivation to write? I think you're very cool, especially with 70 fics uploaded on ao3! not comparing my self to you, but I would also like to be able to write so much in a small amount of time, except I'm not able to. I either think my writing is not that good, or lose the motivation to continue... for eg, yesterday I wrote 300 words I was very proud of, but then I kept rereading and editing, and suddenly I'm not proud of it anymore. how do I continue writing? without nitpicking... also one thing I've noticed is that if I write some amount of words, I tend to re-read and start editing. is that the problem?

thank you so much! I really admire you a lot and have been feeling low and upset because I can't write long fics or any kind of fic.

Hey nonnie, first of all I'm sending you loads of hugs because that is an exhausting place to be in ❤️ Now I know you said you're not comparing yourself to me, but I can only really speak from my own experience here, and it's really important to keep in mind that everyone is different, so -

First of all, I've been writing on and off since I was 10 or something. That are a whooping 19 years, and almost none of that is on my ao3 (or anywhere else visible to the public eye, thank god). Even then, if you go back only three years on fics I have posted (and some from back then I have deleted again) you'll find that my writing has changed a lot (I like to believe for the better).

So the first piece of, admittedly kind of unsatisfying but still most important advice? Practise. Practise practise practise. Write it badly, write it messy, but write. You will get better, and you will get faster, but you're only going to achieve either of those if you actually write.

Which sucks! I get it. I get having something in your mind and not getting it on the page the way you want it to, which leads me to my second point: be gentle with yourself. Don't push through if it upsets you - a lot of people say 'just force yourself' but I don't believe it's the best approach. Read things with a focus on what you like about what you are reading, read poetry, note lyrics of your favourite songs. This is a hobby, supposed to be fun and bring you joy, and if it only upsets and frustrates you, it might be better to take a step back and find the joy in stories again first.

Third of all: write what you want to read, not what you think others might want to read/what might get you loads of kudos, etc. Write what you are passionate about, the fic you have always wanted but never found, the one only you can write. Get excited about all the scenes it is going to have, make playlists and moodboards for it, ramble about it to your friends and get excited about getting to that one part. It makes writing the parts you're maybe less excited about easier, in my experience.

Which leads me to: yes, don't keep going back to edit. This isn't a hard and fast rule and others might disagree (again, everyone is different) but it seems that you may be similar to me in that regard. If I keep re-reading and editing, I lose motivation too. I'm a fairly quick writer on my first draft, but that is at least partly because I write it badly, and I can edit it later (and I spend a lot of time on editing before I post my stories. I mean, a lot). Get your first draft done first. Maybe skim back for details, but don't edit it to death before you're done. You don't judge your cooking before the meal is done either. I find editing to be much more bearable and less demotivating when I can see the story as a whole, and yes there are parts I have to fix or that I can tweak to be better, but I've already written an entire story, and that's amazing no matter what!

None of this is a magic fix, and I'm really sorry that you're struggling so much. It's a process, and sometimes it's hard, but I do think that reframing the way you approach this in small ways might help. I said this above, but this is supposed to bring you joy, and I really hope you can find that, in your ideas or the way you phrased something, or even just that you wrote 300 words and kept yourself from picking them apart. Let yourself be proud of what you wrote, that you did it at all is amazing! ❤️

[pxnk-velvet]

The Dancing Warrior: Water, Chapter 11

(Sokka x OC Reader)

A/N: I’m so sorry but this is a REALLY long chapter, possibly the longest I’ve written so far...but oh well. If anyone knows how to edit a post so it has the “keep reading” link PLS let me know I’m begging 😭

It had taken them quite a while to finally arrive at the North Pole. There were chunks of ice floating in the water and the air was bitter to Navani. She had been shivering profusely for that past couple of days. She had never been to either of the poles before so she had no reason for owning a thick coat like Katara and Sokka. Katara had given Navani her spare tunic, which was a bit small, but a lot warmer than her own. The only thing she had were her robes, a clear indication that she was Fire Nation. Something they had all agreed to keep secret. Navani vowed to solely bend water for as long at they were there. And she knew she had to keep that promise or else they would all be in jeopardy.

Navani sat at the edge of Appa’s saddle, shivering as she tucked herself as far as she could into her tunic. Her knees were snug to her chest with her arms wrapped tightly around them. How could someone live in the cold like this?

She had been so consumed in her own thoughts that she hadn’t been paying any attention to the conversation going on between everyone else. But then she was brought back when Appa’s smooth sailing suddenly jerked and everyone screamed. He tried to keep his balance but some ice threw him off, causing him to tilt. Everyone one held on with strong grips....well almost everyone. As Appa crash landed in the freezing waters, Navani was thrown over with a scream.

They all gasped as the girl fell into the water, “Navani!”

Her body felt numb as she broke the surface, gasping for air. Her teeth chattered as dozens of boats emerged from behind small glaciers. She moved a fast as she could, which honestly wasn’t all that fast, and hurled her stiff body back onto Appa. They all had rushed to her side, but at the moment were too occupied with Northerners approaching.

===

Everything there was beautiful. There was so much to marvel at. From the beautiful architecture to the people and culture. Navani wished she could’ve enjoyed it more but at the moment she was soaking wet in the freezing cold. Her and Katara had done their best to bend the water out of her cloths and one of the men from the boats had lended her some blankets. Which she was currently tightly wrapped in.

As they rounded a corner, there were people along the sides of the canals and buildings waving down at them. Navani couldn’t help but smile and wave back despite her condition. At least she could enjoy that. Or so she thought.

The warm feeling grew a little as a small canoe drifted passed them, catching both Navani and Sokka’s attention. There on the canoe sat a boy and a girl, side by side, no older then them. Navani watched intently, curious. They were dressed like they were important with their hair decorated with different pieces and jewelry. The girl’s was a stark white while the boy’s was pitch black. They contrasted perfectly. Not to mention they were both extremely good looking.

That definitely didn’t go unnoticed by Sokka. Who sighed and leaned against Navani as a deep blush rose to his cheeks, his eyes glued to the girl as the canoe drifted by.

“Could you make it anymore obvious?” Navani scoffed, removing her support from under him. Laughing as he fell to the ground with a thud.

===

“Tonight, we celebrate the arrival of our brother and sisters from the Southern tribe. And they have brought with them someone very special. Someone who many of us believe disappeared from the world until now, the Avatar!” Chief Arnook declared, from his seat at the middle of the table, “We also celebrate my daughter and son’s 16th birthday. Princess Yue and Prince Hai are now of marrying age!”

Navani nearly spit out her drink, turning to look but catching a view of the back of Sokka’s head instead. She scoffed, leaning back to see.

“Thank you, father.” Both twins bowed, Yue continued, “May the great ocean and moon spirits watch over us during these troubled times.”

The Prince turned and glanced her way, a blush so hot on her cheeks she thought her face would melt off.

“Now, Master Pakku and his students will perform.”

That was all Navani needed to hear to have her undivided attention. With an excited gasp, her head whipped around to look at the raised platform.

She watched with wide eyes as the three man manipulated the giant barrels of water to create giant streams moving in almost every direction. They moved in a manner she had never seen before, very different to her usual style. She was mesmerized. So much so that she hadn’t noticed someone standing next to her.

“Is this seat taken?” Hai asked politely, gesturing to the spot next to her.

With her attention still glued to the performance, she responded, “No, you can sit if you’d like.”

He chuckled, taking a seat, “I can tell you’re enjoying the performance.”

“Huh, oh.” Navani blushed hard, finally drawing her attention away, “Yeah, they’re really good.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying it.” Hai gave her a warm smile that made butterflies erupt in her gut.

“I, uh- I’m Navani...” She introduced, bowing her head.

“No need, Navani. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” His smile never leaving his face. She giggled, breaking their gaze to save herself from anymore embarrassment. As she did she caught sight of Sokka and the Princess next to her.

“I’m thinking, maybe, we could do any activity together?” Sokka asked, attempting to woo the Princess. Navani couldn’t help it but feel angered by this. She knew exactly what he was doing....

Navani turned back to Hai, “So you’re a Prince?” She tried, hoping it wasn’t such a sucker of an attempt to make conversation.

“Yeah...” He chuckled, “I’m a Prince.”

“And...you have a sister?...Who’s your twin?” She wanted to face palm so badly but she resisted, “You two don’t really look alike.”

“Yue was born first and there was something wrong. So my father called upon the moon spirit for help. And it did, that’s why she has white hair. Hence our names as well. They mean moon and ocean.” He answered with not much enthusiasm. Like Navani had pushed a little too much.

“Oh, I’m assuming she gets all the attention?” She glanced over at his twin.

“Mhm,” He hummed with an eye roll, “She’s older, only by a few minutes so whoever she marries automatically becomes chief. Which isn’t fair. It really should be me because I’m the chief’s first son. Plus I’m a water bender!”

Navani perked, an idea popping into her head, “Me too! I’m not that good, though. I could definitely use some practice...” She batted her eyelashes, resting her elbow on the table and leaning on it. And just like that she was in....or so she thought.

“Well, I’m sure healing isn’t that hard.” He said smugly, waving it off.

Navani faltered a bit, pressing, “Healing? What about real water bending? Like actual fighting moves? Or dancing even?”

Hai gave a hearty chuckle, “Well...I guess I could show you a little something but no one can know, alright?”

Her eyebrows knotted in confusion but she brushed it off, nodding and smiling.

“We could meet sometime tomorrow?” He offered, taking hold of her hand and placing a gentle kiss on her knuckles.

She turned away, blush furious on her cheeks. And for a moment she forgot about why she was doing this.

===

She had been out for a walk that morning when she caught sight of a canoe in the canal ahead. Inside was just the person she was looking for.

“Prince Hai!” She called from the walk way, speeding up a little to catch up to him. Both him and Princess Yue were sitting in the small boat as it drifted down the canal.

Just as Navani cleared the corner, she ran right into someone, sending them both into water below. Both the Prince and Princess giggled at the sight.

“Ahhh, Navani!” Sokka yelped, pulling himself out of the water.

She could care less about what Sokka was yelling at her, as she shook her hair out of her face.

Prince Hai had gotten up from his seat and moved to lean over the edge, “Meet me on the palace steps tonight!” He called out as the boat continued to drift, without missing a beat.

Navani swooned as she bobbed in the water, a light blush gracing her cheeks. Soon after she pulled herself out of the water, coming to face Sokka as he watched much to his amusement. He had noticed the way the Prince looked at Navani, like he was head over heels. He knew that feeling, or knows to be exact. Sure he was flirting with Princess Yue but he couldn’t deny that he did feel a pang in his heart every time he thought of Hai and Navani together. He had her first, well, almost had her. Until he screwed it up for himself big time. Maybe Aunt Wu was right...but no. He just needed a distraction for a little bit then he’d deal with that, right?

Navani felt somewhat guilty as she stood in front of Sokka, soaking wet. Like she shouldn’t have made it known that she was going to visit Prince Hai later tonight.

So instead she grounded herself, placing both her hands on her hips, “Yes?” She questioned Sokka’s trained gaze.

He crossed his arms giving her a suspicious glare, “Nothing.”

She exhaled bluntly, giving a huff from her nose, “I’m going back to the igloo. Feel free not to follow me.” She turned sharply, taking off back the way she came.

“I bet you don’t even remember how to get back.” The water tribe boy laughed, watching as she groaned, stomping away. He followed her, doing exactly the opposite of what she said, just to mess with her. He walked a few paces behind her, throwing words of mockery every time she made a wrong turn or went in the wrong direction. Either way, they had ended up in front of the igloo they were staying in.

“Well, would you look at that?” Sokka amused, “We both got what we wanted. You were able to get home and I was able to annoy the heck out of you while doing so.”

“I suggest you shut up before I physically hurt you.” Navani threatened, not even batting an eye his way as she made her way inside.

He laughed, following suit, “You really think you can hurt me? I bet you can’t even pin me to the ground.”

They walked further into the igloo, stopping at the center. Navani shed her big coat, tossing it to the side before wordlessly getting into a fighting stance. Her gaze set sternly on his as he just stood there.

“Come on, tough guy. Since you think you’ve got what it takes, let’s put it to the test.” She stated, dipping low, kicking low and knocking Sokka’s legs out from under him. He landed hard on the floor, letting out a loud groan.

She stepped so she was over him, leaning to look down with her hands on her hips, “What happened? I thought you said you were a warrior?” She taunted, “Get up, I’ll give you another shot. You get the first strike.”

Sokka starred up at her in complete shock. As to why he was shocked, he didn’t know exactly. Of course she could beat him in a fight any day, he was just messing with her after all, right?

Soon after he stood, both of them taking fighting stances. Navani stood with a relaxed, yet steady posture, ready for anything like she had been trained to do. Sokka on the other hand, could fall over with the slightest nudge.

Sokka gave his all with his first strike, deflating a little when Navani dodged it with ease. Almost like it was nothing. He swung a couple more times, watching her move with ease every step of the way, like she had been doing this for dozens of life times.

Sokka tried and tried. He kicked, punched, grabbed, pulled, and shoved. Still nothing. Navani stood strong, barely even breaking a sweat. She giggled at his exhaustion, shoving his shoulder lightly, watching him lose balance and fall only from that little push.

She strutted over to him, placing her foot on his chest, “I didn’t even have to use my bending on you.” She leaned down, towering over him triumphantly. Watching as a smirk curl onto his lips and an idea pop into his head.

“Who’s the warrior now-“ Suddenly her leg was being pulled out from under her, Sokka being able to roll out from under her and pin her down as she made contact with the floor. He sat square on her stomach, using a hand to pin both of her wrists to the floor.

“What the-“ Navani barked from under him. She struggled under his weight, which was almost surprising because he was a little slimmer compared to her trained build.

“Looks who’s on top now! Literally!” He mocked with a big grin on his face.

She hadn’t realized how close they were until then. It all settled in. His weight on her, the way his breath fanned over her face when he talked, his hand holding down her wrists above her head. The butterflies in her stomach matched the intensity of her beating heart. Not to mention she was almost as red as her shirt. Both of their gazes locked on each other, trained so intensely. All those things she had felt for him before over powered the hurt he had caused her. Maybe she had been a bit too harsh, a little too stubborn?...

It had felt like they had been sitting there forever until Katara came bounding into the room.

“Sokka! You’ll never believe it! Gran-Ahh!” She screamed. Both Sokka and Navani yelling along with her as Navani basically launched Sokka across the room. Kicking him off from on top of her.

Katara turned away with her hands over her eyes, “Oh my gosh! Can’t you guys find somewhere a little more private to do that!” She took off.

“Katara!” Navani called, getting up off the floor to run after her, “It’s not what you think at all! I swear!”

They both ran to the door but gave up on chasing after her. They stopped in the doorway, standing close to each other. When they realized it, neither of them jerked away like they normally would’ve. Navani felt....comfortable with their proximity. Something that shocked her, scared her almost.

“I- uhhhh,” Sokka stuttered, trying to ease the tension, “That was fun wasn’t it?”

Navani playfully rolled her eyes, giggling.

===

Later that day Navani was the first to rush out for her...date? Training? She didn’t even know what to call it, with Prince Hai.

For the last hour or two she had spent her time with Prince Hai as he taught her some water bending moves. She was surprised because she already knew a thing or two but his way was so much different from the way she had been taught by her mother. So she was grateful that she was actually able to learn something.

Now they sitting on the palace steps, just enjoying their time together.

��Thank you for teaching me.” She said, leaning back with her palms against the icy step under her, “I really appreciate it.”

He turned to her smiling, “You’re welcome. Thank you for letting me teach you. It’s not everyday a beautiful girl such as yourself gets to spend time with a prince.” He joked.

“I’m sure there are a ton of other girls who would be jealous of me right now.” Navani chuckled, noticing the space between them decrease slowly. Her laughed died off awkwardly as he got closer.

“Yeah, well it doesn’t matter anyways. There would be no gain in a girl marrying me with my current situation.” He sighed, the atmosphere around them shifting.

“Now don’t say that.” Navani comforted, “Any girl would be lucky to marry you.”

He looked into her eyes and Navani saw how bright they seemed to glow under the moonlight, “You really think so?”

Navani smiled, glancing down at his lips and seeing how close they were, “I know so.” She spoke, attempting to keep their distance.

But much to her dismay, he kissed her. She gasped at the sudden contact, her eyes wide with shock and confusion. She felt confused and just odd. It didn’t feel....right to her. It caught her completely off guard. At this, the Prince pulled away quickly with a worried look on his face.

“Oh spirits! I shouldn’t have done that.” He got up hurriedly, leaving Navani on the steps.

She got up after him, “Wait! Prince Hai!”

He stopped at the top of the steps, Navani catching up to him and taking a gentle hold on his wrist.

“I’m sorry,” She began, look up at him, “I’m sorry if it made it seem like we were anything more than friends. And I didn’t mean to hurt you in anyway. But I just think we aren’t destined to have a relationship in those sorts.”

He gave a sad smile, “I understand....you like someone else instead.”

Navani’s eyebrows knotted in confusion, “What?”

“Sokka, is it? I see the way he looks at you and the way you look at him. I was foolish for even thinking that we could’ve had something.”

Navani stood silently for a moment. Maybe he was right. Maybe she did look at Sokka a little too fondly sometimes. And maybe she still got butterflies in her stomach whenever she thought of him in such a way.

Navani took a step closer to him, “No you’re not, you were just doing what your heart was telling you to do.”

Hai smiled again, taking hold of her shoulders, “Go. Go do what you heart is telling you to do and find him.” And so she did. Of course she didn’t leave without giving her thanks and appreciation.

Navani walked back to the igloo in hopes of finding Sokka before he went off to do his activity with the Princess. She tried walking without being too loud. Or else her foot steps would echo off the ice walls. She trotted down a couple walk ways, crosses some bridges until she finally turned up at the igloo. With every step her heart grew with anticipation. She felt as though she could do anything. She rushed through the doorway, a smile as bright as the moon on her face.

“Where is he?” Navani exclaimed, out of breath.

Katara and Aang jumped, startled at her sudden appearance, “Who? Sokka?” Katara questioned.

Navani nodded eagerly, almost squealing with excitement. She was finally coming to terms with her feelings.

“He’s mentioned something about a bridge and seeing the Prin-“ Katara wasn’t able to finish her sentence before Navani rushed back out with a thanks.

At this point she didn’t care if she was loud and her stomping foot steps could be heard. She figured she start with the bridge where she sent Sokka and heralded flying into the water. She slowed as she approached the corner. Hunched over, she caught her breathe. She couldn’t help but over hear the conversation going on.

“Hi, Princess Yue. I made you something.” Navani over heard Sokka greet the Princess. She peaked her head around the corner, leaning as far up against the ice wall as she could. It hurt a little to see them together like so.

She watched as Sokka held out his hand to show Princess Yue what was supposed to be a fish carving. When did he have time to make that? Maybe he really wasn’t doing this just to mess around with her...

”I’m sorry. I’ve made a mistake.” The Princess cried, turning away, “I shouldn’t have asked you to come here.” She ran off as Navani stepped out from around the corner.

When she did something hard hit her in the head, “Ow!” She whined, rubbing the sore spot in her forehead.

Sokka stormed off without noticing Navani. She cursed herself for not making it known that she was there sooner. However she did make an effort to rush back to the igloo to make it seem like she hadn’t been spying on him this whole time. She ran through the doorway, startling Aang and Katara once again.

She tore her coat off in a hurry, along with her boots, plopping down on the ground next to Katara.

Not even a second later Sokka stomps right in, clearly upset. He kicked his sleeping bag and slumped down over it.

“How’s warrior training?” Navani asks carefully, making sure her pace was steady.

Aang looks at Navani with confusion. Navani gave him a desperate look and the boy quickly caught on, “That bad?” He played off.

Sokka groaned, “It’s Princess Yue! One minute she wants to go out with me and then the next she’s telling me to get lost!”

It saddened Navani to see him in such a sour mood over what had just went down. At that point she tuned out of the conversation and focused on relaxing. She laid down on her sleeping bag, arms behind her head and legs crossed. She hadn’t noticed Katara and Aang had left until a little while later. Leaving Navani and Sokka alone.

===

The events that occurred the night before greatly contrasted what was happening right now.

That morning Katara had challenged Master Pakku to a fight, which she still lost despite her skill. And now she was taking a walk with Prince Hai.

“You really like him don’t you?” The Prince questioned with a sly smile.

“What?” Navani blushed, trying to play it off, “I wouldn’t say really like him but-“

“Just admit and stop making it harder for yourself.” He laughed as they approached a bridge.

There stood the Princess and Sokka engaged in a kiss. Navani froze. Her whole body going numb. Her heart began to ache in her chest, under all the layers of cloths she had on. A lump grew in her throat, getting bigger by the second.

Prince Hai had done a service by leading her away from the scene as she wept. She knew she shouldn’t be crying. Because if Sokka had seen her and Hai kiss yesterday, would he have reacted the same?

Hai brought her close in a snug embrace, “Navani, don’t cry. It’ll be alright. She can’t even be with him. She’s engaged!” He explained, taking her face in his hands.

But her expression stayed the same as more tears fell upon her cheeks. Her breathing was choppy and all she could do was sob. She didn’t know why she was in the first place. It’s not like her and Sokka were...dating...in the first place. But she knew deep down that she wanted him. Yet she couldn’t have him.

[][][]

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[oliveheart-worldbuilding]

Aster, Bee Balm, Daffodil, Dahlia, Laurel, Petunia, Rose, and Violet? I'd also add Gardenia but it's impossible to escape murder cats.

Hi there! Thank you so much for the ask! Once again, I’m sorry for taking so long to answer!

Adding a read more because this one is pretty long.

Aster- Who’s your least favorite character? Why?

This one is a bit difficult for me, I read many of the books a long time ago and I’m sure if I were to read them again my opinion on a lot of characters would be very different. Going only by memory I would say that Bluestar is one of my least favorite characters but then I would have to add many female characters that I now feel were completely mistreated by the authors and whose entire arcs where thrown under the bus in the name of forbidden love or man pain. I never liked Silverstream, but nowadays I know that whom I actually hate is Graystripe. I used to not like Leafpool or Squirrelflight at all, now I don’t. What I’m trying to say is that my opinion changes constantly and a lot. I read the books a long time ago and did so with a completely different mindset (I was 16 when I read Omen of the Stars and oh man was I edgy and stupid back then), most of my opinions nowadays are based on the potential the characters have rather than the actual character. So bearing that in mind:

-Bluestar: I know, I know, a lot of you love her a lot but even after reading people’s opinions on her I just… eh I don’t like her at all. She feels incredibly detached in the first books. To me she always treated Firepaw rather coldly. I know a lot of people talk about Bluestar as if she had become Firepaw’s adoptive mother but I just don’t see it. Reading about her losing her faith was very interesting, so was her crumping mind health but, I just gotta draw the line on how terrible she was to Brightpaw. In this house we love and respect Brightpaw and Bluestar was just very nasty to her. I really didn’t like her novella at all either. Based on her relationship with Whitestorm in The Prophecies Begin I always thought that she might have played an important role in his life after Snowfur died but, it doesn’t seem that way at all? The only moment we see them interact is when she tells Whitekit, in a very distressing way may I add, that her mother is dead and never coming back. To me, she also comes in as selfish and power-hungry, she spends a huge part of the book complaining about Thistleclaw (bear in mind, back then he was only overly ambitious, not a pedophile) and his relationship with her sister, even though she herself is spending time with Oakheart, a tom from another clan. When Goosefeather tells her about the prophecy he never specifies that she must be the one becoming leader, only that Thistleclaw is not meant to become one and yet she goes out of her way to become the leader so much so that she’s willing to risk her kittens’ safety (killing one in the process) just so she can be available for the position. She could have just uuuuhmmmm told Sunstar about the prophecy? Also I’m pretty sure Sunstar assures her that Thistleclaw would not have made a good leader multiple times so… he could have chosen literally anyone else? Rosetail? Thrustpelt? Don’t get me started on the whole Tigerkit dilemma! She chooses to believe Goosefeather prophecies when they strengthen her own personal bias but when she’s told about Tigerkit’s she just goes “aw man Goosefeather sure is crazy hahaha anyway back on me becoming leader”. I don’t know, there’s more to it but this is getting pretty long. Personally she’s just not my favorite.

-Graystripe: He’s a terrible friend, he treats Fireheart like absolute garbage, he chooses a molly he has known for exactly 2 days over his best friend and his entire clan, he leaves Thunderclan to spend more time with his kittens just to abandon them 5 seconds later, and yet the son of a bitch was somehow always meant to become deputy to Firestar??? Just because they are friends??? Dude went against the warrior code, endangered his clan by refusing to fight Riverclan, was incredible close to causing an all-out war with Riverclan, abandoned his clan, refused to see what was wrong about his behavior just because he was in love… How in the f is he a good warrior??? Erins I want answers; this man is garbage. When he gets captured by the humans and comes back to the lake he gets so SO mad at Firestar for not “waiting for him”, my dude you were gone for seasons, you were deputy, you really expect the entire clan to stop working so that you can keep your friendship bracelet position? Everybody thought you were dead Graystripe!! Was everyone supposed to keep vigil forever?? He’s also a terrible father to both his litters, his reaction to being told that Feathertail’s dead is “aw man… she was so beautiful… like her mom…” that’s terribleeee. At some point in Omen of the Stars, after Briarlight broke her spine, Millie complains about Graystripe not helping her at all and then they start fighting about it, Graystripe’s only answer is something along the lines of “yeah whatever dude”. I hate him so much. I stopped reading after The Last Hope, so I can’t talk about the rest but, I’ve seen some parts of Graystripe’s Vows and let me tell I want this man gone for good. He’s lived for too long.

-Lionblaze: He’s the most flavorless character in the history of flavorless characters. What’s his arc? That’s right. He doesn’t have one. I literally have nothing to say about him. How is this character alive and in his way to become leader when Hollyleaf could have been in his place? Disgusting. Also, dreaming about killing your girlfriend and bathing in her blood? Bad. Not showing not even a bit of remorse about after waking up? Terrible. Badly hurting her mentor when you were trying harm her? Just straight up fucked up. He’s badly written, boring and kind of very misogynist at times.

I have many other opinions because I’m a very judgmental person but I’m gonna leave it at that because this is getting very long.

Bee Balm- What’s your favorite novella or super edition?

I’ve only read three! So Crockedstar’s promise I guess.

Daffodil- When did you first start reading the books?

In the summer of 6th grade, that’s when I was… 11-12 years old? I think? So in 2012-2013, I started reading them in Spanish but I read through them super-fast and the translations were super slow to come out so I just started reading the books in English. It actually helped my English level quite a bit! My first English book was The Forest of Secrets I think.

Dahlia- Has any death scene actually made you cry? What was it?

Snowfur’s (Reading about Whitekit screaming at her mother to wake up was super messed up), Yellowfang’s (I loved that old woman. I wish they hadn’t written about her in Starclan, she’s so out of character in later books) and Hollyleaf’s death (yes, first and second time, young me loved her to pieces. I still can’t believe they let her die a second time when Lionblaze’s flavorless ass was right there…).

Laurel- If you could write the books, what changes would you make?

I would contemplate the idea of just, moving forward in time? The warriors’ series feels very stagnant. Young characters die while having no personality at all and older characters from the first series are still alive and very much immortal at this point. We need new fresh blood.

I would just set up a completely new series: maybe the stories of Firestar and his family have been immortalized, maybe they are now revered as gods or something, I would create an actual religion system, one based in nature, the death and rebirth of all things and the need to remember those who have fallen. I would change their entire culture so that elders are more important; medicine cats are not regarded as useless (I’m looking at every character that forced in this position instead of choosing it themselves) and the warrior code actually makes sense.

The setting of this new series would be the lake territories but a long time has passed since the time of Firestar and things have changed a lot. A kittypet joins the clans and through their perspective we see how they work and act, what makes every single one of them different, their culture and laws, etc. It would be a nod to the first series while being completely new. It would also allow to add new characters from the start so they all have personalities and relationships with each other.

I would also contemplate creating one last series set up in the time of the original clans where everything just goes to hell. You guys remember rabies? I want that + Starclan going crazy. A full out massacre of old characters that ends in only a few surviving ones. I want blood, and I want it to be scary. If children can read about Tigerclaw’s horrible death, then they can read what in my opinion would be a zombie/ghost apocalypse. And then I would start anew with this completely new series set up in the future.

I mean, I would rewrite a looooooot of things, but that’s a talk for another day.

Petunia- Which arc is your favorite? Which is your last favorite?

My favorite is The Prophecies Begin when it comes to the plot and the Power of Three when it comes to characters. My least favorite is the New Prophecy.

Rose- Do you prefer traditional naming or creative naming?

Traditional all the way! I like when things have meaning and each name having its own really helps the feeling of there being a pre-established culture! Creative naming just doesn’t make a lot of sense to me in this context but that’s just my personal taste.

Violet- What do you think is the worst trope in the series?

Already answered!

Gardenia- Do you think you’ll ever leave the fandom?

Probs not, I’m in too deep, warriors is always at the back of my mind...

[atlantic-riona]

1, 2, 5-8

1. Describe your comfort zone—a typical you-fic.

It swings between a story with friendship/family dynamics, lots of humor mixed with drama, and ultimately a happy ending, and a story that’s philosophical, vaguely terrifying and/or depressing, and ultimately bittersweet/scary.

…The former tends to be longer stories, while the latter tends to be my short stories. I have no idea what that says about me!

2. Is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to?

I would love to try my hand at writing faeries. I feel like a lot of modern stuff I’ve read tends to either crib off of Tolkien or be really badly done/uninspired (although for an excellent, wonderful interpretation of faeries, everybody reading this should go read @hobbitsetal‘s Mute, because it’s amazing and I will never stop talking about it).

However, I’m not sure that I could do it well? I don’t know. I have vague plans for something similar to faeries in The Raven’s Return, but these might get adapted as time goes on.

ALSO I would really want to try an arranged marriage story because secretly I ADORE them. it’s just!! their marriage is arranged!! but then!!! they fall in LOVE

5. Share one of your strengths.

I feel like dialogue is a strength of mine? It’s really easy for me to write, at any rate!

6. Share one of your weaknesses.

Description. I really struggle to write description. I’m never sure if I’ve overdone it, underdone it, or what.

7. Share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

A solitary figure stands forlorn, silhouetted against the sunset. The mass of curls on her head burns in the dying light, like a sputtering fire. It’s her. Helen of Troy.

“I know that’s what they call me,” Helen says without moving. Her gaze is fixed on the carnage below. Cassandra hadn’t meant to speak aloud, but now that she has…

She moves closer and Helen speaks again. “They used to call me Helen of Sparta.” Her lovely, hated, adored face remains turned away, shadowed and sorrowed. “And my husband–”

“Which one?” Cassandra interrupts, having assumed a careless position of relaxed leaning against the battlements, one elbow propping up her chin. At the tenseness of the other woman’s shoulders, she shrugs and looks away. “I mean, there are so many of them.” Despite the laxness of her appearance, her muscles are thrumming like a just-fired arrow. This woman is bringing murder and grief to her city, all for the sake of her stupid affair. Cassandra has no interest in hearing any sad story from this woman. Sad stories won’t resurrect the dead or comfort their grieving wives.

Helen turns to face her then. Cassandra stares coolly back at her. She’s beautiful, indeed, but beautiful like a snake. Cassandra has experience with snakes.

“Do you know what it’s like?” Helen of Troy asks her, advancing. “To have never had a choice?”

Cassandra says nothing, because her breath has been stolen away. As with Scáthach, though, she does not retreat. She is no coward.

“All my life,” Helen says, “I have been a prize. A prize to be fought over. First, I was a prize to Theseus at the tender age of seven. My brothers stormed his stronghold and won me back, and so I was again a prize for my father. Then I was a prize for all the kings of Greece. And so that no one would feel insulted, I was not left to choose one out of all of them. Instead my would-be husbands drew straws. And the man who won was not even there to claim me, his winnings–his brother was.”

“You’re still a prize,” Cassandra interrupts, taking a step forward. “Don’t you realize? You’re a prize that Aphrodite granted to my brother for saying that she was the most beautiful goddess. You’re still a prize, so why do it? Why give in to it? Why is it better to be a prize over here, in Troy–why is it better to destroy my city as Paris’ prize than to live quietly with your daughter as Menelaus’ prize? Tell me.”

The crows circle overhead. Helen remains still, frozen like carved ice. A moment later, when she moves, it is like ice shearing off to reveal a storming sea. “Because,” she says, her eyes reflecting the carnage below, “because I have chosen to be here. It may be my destiny to eternally be someone’s prize; but I’ll be damned if I don’t choose who wins me.” A single tear falls. It shatters on the stone like glass. “And I thought you might understand,” she says, “because you’re god-touched too.”

______

I really like this one because it was one of the few times in my life where the descriptions were exactly what I wanted, with barely any editing at all. I also like it because Helen of Troy and Cassandra have fascinated me for, like, ever and I always thought they were such intriguing characters to play with.

Like, Helen can be written as a victim or as a villain or somewhere in between (and when you read the Iliad, it’s pretty obvious that Aphrodite’s heavily involved and making Helen do stuff she doesn’t want to, but also Helen’s life has basically been plotted for her since the beginning–she’s the daughter of Zeus, she’s been kidnapped by Theseus, she’s going to be married off and she’s the most beautiful woman in all of Greece–who’s to say that maybe at the beginning, she chose to do something for herself? I think for this version I went a little more ‘ice queen’ and ‘selfish’ than how I would read the actual Helen in the Iliad, but I do think she can be seen that way). And for Cassandra–is she mad? Is she trapped? Is she going mad? (Wouldn’t you, if you could see everything that was coming, but nobody listened to you, and you couldn’t stop it?)

In I See It Crimson, I See It Red, I was playing with the idea of fate and destiny, and whether it was even possible to have free will if you could see the future and your destiny, so Helen was kind of an example of knowing one’s destiny but making a different choice.

Also, this was a really fun twist to write, because for the earlier parts of the story, Cassandra hates Helen, and Helen gets portrayed extremely negatively, but here, Helen makes the point that she and Cassandra are not so different–both of them have gods meddling with their lives–so that was something I really liked.

8. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

“You shouldn’t curse people,” he said firmly. “That’s wrong.”

Great. The Raven had standards. “Sorry,” she said, getting up and brushing her knees off, “not all of us had the luxury of morals in the recent past.”

Milon was still warm to the touch when she pressed her hand to his forehead—a little cooler than before, or was that wishful thinking?

“I only meant,” came the Raven’s voice behind her, “that it’s not right. You shouldn’t have to hurt people for money.”

“Are you any better?” she shot back without turning around. “Seems to me you do the same thing, only a little more violently—that’s right, I heard about the massacre in Arciun. A little bit before my time here, true, but the others are still talking about it even now. How many people had to die for the money you and Noz gained?”

“That’s different. Those people—they deserved it.” Almost to himself, he muttered, “King’s blood, you should have seen what they’d done.”

“Oh, but the brother that screwed over his family didn’t? The drunkard who beat his wife and children didn’t? The wife who cheated on her husband and laughed at him when he cried didn’t? The girl who tormented every other child in her village until they were reduced to tears didn’t? At least I don’t kill all of my victims.”

He came over to look down at Milon. “Those Valaviri nobles in Arciun—they kept slaves. They’d practically enslaved everyone else, too. The children were starving. There were—” He stopped, cleared his throat. “There were more orphans than adults. The nobles had killed their parents for resisting, or sent them off to prison—and worse, in that prison, they’d be—” Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes. “I met the prisoners from Arciun. In prison, where we were all waiting to be killed. If you had heard their stories—” He broke off. “And we didn’t kill everyone, either. That’s a lie. Only the ones who were responsible.”

“And that justified making their children in turn orphans? Taking their wealth so they could take their own turn at starving?”

The Raven felt Milon’s forehead and bent over to listen to his breathing. “We didn’t take all of their money,” he argued as he straightened. “We left them enough to live on. More than enough.”

“Oh, yes, so very generous of you—leaving scared children in a province full of people looking to exact however many years of pent-up vengeance upon somebody. Noz feed you that line?” One of her friends had a brother who’d lived in Arciun—she’d cried for weeks when the news finally reached the Tower. “The way I heard it, nobody survived the second round of killings. Now the whole province is still in uproar—how many more orphans have you created? Noble rebels, my foot.”

He shoved his hair out of his eyes. “We—I—had nothing to do with that. You can’t—”

“If you hadn’t set everything in motion, none of that would have happened!”

“They were Valaviri,” he said, eyes flashing in rage. “You don’t know what they’re capable of, how cruel they can be!”

“For your information, I am Valaviri,” she told him coldly. “I may have been born in one of the outer provinces, but without the empire, do you know where I’d be right now?”

“Not running for your life?” he bit off.

She clenched her teeth. “I’d be slaving away on a farm somewhere, instead of knowing how to read—oh, and also how to throw literal lightning.”

The anger in his eyes hadn’t faded; Calista dug her nails into her palm, understanding suddenly why everybody in the camp was terrified of the Raven. He looked as though if she spoke one more word, he would leap across the tent and put her in the ground right then and there.

“Look,” she said, striving for a calmer tone, “I’m not here to make friends or debate politics. I appreciate your help with my little brother, really, I do. Just tell me what you want in return and my debt can be settled.”

He turned away, dismissing her. “I don’t want anything from you.”

Why had she expected anything different? Lulled by the banter between the two boys, exhausted from worry and late nights, she’d hoped—desperately, painfully hoped—for an ally, a friend; someone who could show basic human decency and understand her plight.

Instead, she had been bitterly reminded that she was surrounded by rebels who saw no harm in killing those she considered her friends and countrymen. Fine. She didn’t need them. She didn’t need anyone. She and Milon were just fine on their own, thank you.

“That’s what you say now,” she threw at his retreating back. “That’s what Noz said at first, too.”

“I’m nothing like him!”

____

Because the majority of characters in The Raven’s Return are Falian, we generally see a very anti-Valaviri perspective of the world. And there’s good reason for that, but that’s not the way reality works. For one thing, you can’t blame an entire people for something that their military or government decides to do–and even then, how do you blame an entire group like that? Are the people in the military only in the military because they need money? Is it a way to make their lives better? Did the people in the government make their decision based on what was best for their people? Since people don’t have the benefit of 20/20 hindsight like we do, would it have been feasible for them to take the alternative route like we think they should have? What were the available options that they knew of at the time? Obviously, there are definitely cases where we can look at an event and the people involved and say, “here’s what went wrong, here’s what would have been better for everybody involved, here’s who’s to blame,” but history is complex. People are complex. And for a lot of people, that’s hard to wrap their minds around, because a narrative with good guys and bad guys is so much easier to process and understand.

Part of what I’m trying to do with The Raven’s Return is show the complexity of history and the effect of that complexity. The nin Roys and other Falians hate the Valaviri because their land was invaded and their own culture was taken over. But Lucan wasn’t the one who did that–that invasion happened centuries ago. Plenty of Valaviri weren’t responsible for that. And there are elements of Valaviri culture to be admired–Cal brings up education, and how that improved her future. The issue here is messy, and it’s complicated, and both sides have some of it right and some of it wrong. There isn’t a clear cut “bad group” and a clear cut “good group.” There is an empire, and a lot of the characters hate it (pretty much all of the characters have some problems with how it is right now, but that’s pretty standard for anybody with their government), but it’s not an evil empire, and Falia isn’t the noble rebel nation. It’s messy, just like history.

So I like this conversation because it gets into that a little bit. Cal doesn’t like the government or the magicians right now, but she appreciates the empire nevertheless. Bran can’t understand that, and maybe he never will, but he needs to hear that the world is more complex than he might think.

Also, I love having characters with different worldviews have discussions without one character being a strawman. That’s really annoying to read, and seems so lazy to me. So I like this little snippet for doing that.

[luckyjak]

fic: Lover (1/3)

Sixteen years he’s gone without a lover, and it hasn’t really bothered him all that much. Now that he and Essek have started fooling around, however, he finds it difficult to go on for too long without touching him. A story about intimacy, trust, and the process it takes to care about someone again. Shadowgast. AO3 Link

A/N: This story was brought to you by Taylor Swift’s Lover on repeat for three days straight. It was also inspired by the fact that a lot of Shadowgast fic is mostly about them boning, and while their sexual tension is in fact breath-taking, some folks need time before taking that step, and I wanted to see what that looked like in fiction with these two idiots.

But then, of course, the plot fucking grew, as plots are likely to do, and so we have this rather large fic of mine. There are three chapters (maybe four--chapter three is *long*) but it’s all already complete: it just needs editing. My goal is to have all of it up by Thursday so it can be immediately jossed, but I make no promises.

Comments are incredibly encouraging.

Sixteen years.

Sixteen years, seven months, twenty-three days, to be more exact. Sometimes his eidetic memory was more of a curse than a gift. That’s how long it had been since he last saw Astrid, had last kissed her, had last been with another person, physically.

And he had been fine. Really. Sure, there had been lonely nights here and there, days when he longed to have companionship of a different sort, not better or worse, more physical than Nott’s constant friendship, Caduecus’s quiet company, Fjord’s charm, Jester’s warmth and laughter, and Beau’s cunning wit.

He had a right hand and a perfect memory: he could make due alone, to take care of any physical need he might have. He might’ve missed the afterglow, the intimacy of having someone close by afterwards to hold on to, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t live without. He was adaptable. Besides, he highly doubted he would ever have another lover again, anyway, given everything that had happened in his life.

Who could ever want someone like him?

Except he was wrong, of course, because the past three times he’d seen Essek Thelyss in the past two weeks, they’d ended up exactly like this: pressed up against one another, trading hot kisses, exploratory hands caressing against cloth and skin.

He wasn’t even sure how it had even started: they had been studying together, talking quietly about-- something. It had been important, he was sure, but then they were kissing , like kissing-kissing, like Caleb-on-the-floor-with-Essek-on-top-of-him kissing. Caleb hadn’t wanted to stop, but eventually Essek pulled off of him with a sheepish smile and a dark purple flush on his face, and said he’d have to see him again soon, and left.

And Caleb could have came right then, harder than he’d been in years and left wanting on the library floor in the Xhorhaus, but he pulled himself up and managed to make it to his bedroom, where he spent the evening thinking of little else besides the dark purple color of Essek’s face and the way his body had felt pressed against his own.

He slept well that night. Better than he had in a long time, deeply and fully, to the point that Nott had to wake him the next morning when his internal clock failed him.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had wanted so much. Being with Essek was like turning his brain off in the best way possible--better than polymorph, even, because all he could think about was tongue and mouth and lips and skin.

The next time they met had been at an official affair, a meeting with the Bright Queen with Essek in attendance, cool and formal and every bit the perfectly poised professional. He would have thought he might’ve just imagined their earlier entanglement entirely, if Essek hadn’t grabbed him after the meeting and shoved him into a nearby coat closet.

He then proceeded to have a rather excellent ten minutes, and would have gladly spent even more time with him, trading lips and tongue and touch, if Beau hadn’t come looking for him, forcing him to quickly try and detangle Essek’s mantle from where it had gotten hooked into Caleb’s mythril shirt.

He had insisted on a private bath in the hot tub that night, away from the others, with the door locked tight.

Their latest encounter was a more formal occasion. An invitation, sent via a rather beautiful raven, inviting him to an unknown location that must have been Essek’s home, in order to “continue the discussion they had before.”

He didn’t quite know what that meant; they hadn’t discussed anything the last few times they’d been together, unless you counted the way they immediately gravitated towards one another, their magnetism more powerful than any spell Caleb knew.

They hadn’t had sex yet. They had, however, made out furiously, every time they’d been alone in a room together.

Which meant that when Essek invited him over, Caleb showered, shaved, bought another new coat, and very seriously considered asking his companions for advice before deciding against it.

Gods, but he wanted him badly. He’d masturbated more this past week than he had in the past decade, or so it felt like.

He had barely made it into Essek’s house before he found himself draped across Essek’s lap, the drow either unaware of or uncaring about the weight of Caleb’s bony ass pressed against his thighs. Essek had one hand snaked around Caleb’s waist while the other had a deathgrip on his thigh, squeezing and massaging and trending ever higher up Caleb’s body. Caleb, for his part, was busy concerning himself with Essek’s neck, and how sensitive his ears were, and what lovely little noises he was making, and wondering just how dark a color he could make his skin go if he kept biting his neck, and--

He felt the cold of the alarm spell wave over him before he heard it. He groaned, loudly, and his only consolation was the fact that Essek groaned, too, before pulling away from him.

“No,” he moaned, trying to pull Essek closer to him, even as the drow protested despite Caleb’s mouth on his chin. It had only been--

An hour? Really? It hadn’t felt like it.

“Sorry,” Essek apologized, pressing several fast kisses against Caleb’s face. “I thought we’d have more time before I was summoned to the Council.”

“When will I see you again?”

“I don’t know. I’ll come by this evening, if I can get away.”

He hadn’t come back that evening. Or the evening after that. The day after that, Caleb was the busy one, stuck out in the Xhorassian wilderness trying to find some Cobalt Soul artifact for Dairon and Beau that had been abandoned centuries ago.

Which was fine, really. He didn’t mind helping Beau--gods know she had done enough for him and the rest of the group so far.

What he did mind was the cold, and the lack of privacy in the dome, and the Storm Giants, and the fact that he could not get Essek out of his mind, and he was pretty sure if he didn’t have sex with that man soon he might actually physically die.

Which was stupid. He’d gone sixteen years without sex before. He could do it again. Despite all evidence to the contrary, he wasn’t a hormone-induced teenager. He could, in fact, wait. Patience was a virtue, or so they said.

...The fact that he convinced the group to return to Rosohna for a few days of rest before heading to Traveler-Con was something of a victory, however. Convincing Jester to cast Sending on Essek to find out if he was available that evening was even moreso. And by the blessing of some god Caleb didn’t really believe in, Essek was both available and had extended an invitation for Caleb to come over as soon as he got back.

Jester teased him horribly about it the whole evening, but it was fine. He’d endure whatever sort of teasing he’d get from Jester if it meant he got to see Essek again.

A quick shave and a change of clothes later, he made his way to Essek’s home, where he was invited in, led to the study, and then promptly had the door shut in his face.

“Wha--Essek?” He tried the door handle, but it was locked. A sense of panic began swelling in his stomach. Was this a trap? A trick of some sort? What if this was all a plot by Ikithon to get him to lower his guard and--

“I’m sorry!” The drow’s voice was muffled through the door, but it was still Essek’s voice. There was no mistaking his accent. “I just--I keep meaning to talk to you, but every time we’re in the same room together we end up kissing instead of talking, and it’s important that I talk to you. So...A door between us. So that we might converse.”

Caleb couldn’t help but laugh, the anxiety in his stomach lifting as he leaned against the door frame. “A bit of an overreaction, don’t you think? We’re both adults. We can--we can handle a conversation without kissing.”

“Oh, really?” Essek’s voice was smug to the point of pretentiousness. “So if I were to open this door right now, you wouldn’t kiss me senseless, despite not seeing each other for a week? How disappointing.”

There was a small click, and Caleb knew Essek had unlocked the door, but hadn’t opened it, instead leaving the hypothetical ball in Caleb’s hypothetical court.

A delicate situation: if he opened the door, he would inevitably want to kiss Essek senseless, thus proving him right for locking the door in the first place. On the other hand, not opening the door also proved him right, about neither of them having the strength to resist one another physically.

Clever man.

With a defeated sigh, Caleb turned around so that his back was leaning against the doorframe before he slid down it, so that he sat leaned against the door on the carpeted ground. “You may have a point,” he confessed, his head leaned against the door, his knees tucked under his arms. “You might’ve written a letter.” He offered, wishing that they had talked about whatever Essek wanted to speak about earlier, and not wasted the little time they had together by talking. Especially since talking verbally meant Caleb would have ample opportunities to put his foot in his mouth and ruin everything.

“I considered it,” Essek said. “But I wanted to hear what you had to say.”

That was intriguing. “What is it that you wanted to talk about?”

He could hear the hesitation in Essek’s voice as he took the time to carefully consider his words. “What--what are we, Caleb Widogast? Are we dating? Are we--are we just kissing for fun? Are you interested in me? Are you--Luxon above, are you courting me? I tried to do some research on Imperial courting practices but I didn’t get very far. Information about the Empire is...scarce, even for me.”

A fair question. One that Caleb might’ve thought to ask himself, if he had managed to think about anything beyond his libido for the past week.  “I--I don’t know what we are,” Caleb confessed, running a hand through his auburn hair, a few loose curls coming out of his hair tie. “We never talked about it. What--what do you want to be?”

A small chuckle. “I believe I asked you first, Widogast.”

He considered being pedantic and pointing out that Essek merely asked for clarification, not a specific desire, but after thinking about it, he realized he did eventually want to kiss him again, and arguing about something ridiculous like this wasn’t likely to lead to that situation. “I suppose I want whatever you want,” Caleb confessed, feeling small pressed against the dark wood of Essek’s home. “I--I enjoy spending time with you, Essek. If you wish to have a--a relationship, I’m open to the idea. If you just want to kiss again without changing things between us, I’m okay with that. And if you want to stop--whatever this is, between us, I--would respect your decision.”

He would hate it, but he would accept it, if that’s what Essek wanted.

(Gods, he hoped that wasn’t what Essek wanted!)

“Hmph. A diplomatic answer.”

“What do you want, Essek?” Caleb turned the question back on him, a little frustrated that his own answer wasn’t apparently good enough. “Do you want a relationship? Do you just want a--a friend with benefits? What do you want?”

“I want,” the dark elf sighed dramatically. “I don’t want a--what did you call it? A friend with benefits? I can serve my own needs, thank you.  If--if that’s all you are interested in, then I don’t see this working out, I’m sorry. And I think I’m too young to be courted seriously, especially by someone so--so different from me. At least right now,” Essek breathed in deeply, and while Caleb couldn’t see him, he could imagine that Essek was just a bit flustered as he spoke. “And I don’t want to stop kissing you, because despite all common sense and evidence to the contrary, I do rather like you, Widogast.”

“I can’t imagine why.” He said, in a dry tone of voice that could be taken as either a joke or seriously, depending. He meant it as a joke, but now that he said it, he was curious what Essek had to say in response.

“Is it so ridiculous to think that someone might like you, Caleb?” Essek questioned; Caleb didn’t have a response, feeling small and ridiculous. It took Essek a moment to continue. “I--you make me laugh, Caleb. And you treat me like a person, not just someone in a position of authority. And you’re so smart. I could talk to you about magic all the time and never get bored,” There was a slight pause as it sounded like Essek was readjusting himself. “And I suppose I find you very handsome as well.”

Caleb smiled warmly, a rush of butterflies filling his chest in a way it hadn’t since he was a teenager. “I like you too, Essek,” he confessed, surprising himself with his own honesty. He did like Essek: it wasn’t a lie or a ploy or a manipulation: just a genuine fact. The fact that they had kissed the last few times they had been together was just a bonus that came on top of a general appreciation for Essek’s company. “You’re charming and smart,” he toyed with the amulet he always kept around his neck, the one that kept him safe from scrying. “You’re always kind, to--to me, and to the rest of the Nein. That means so much to me. Most people in my life and in my past haven’t been very kind. And you are,” he breathed in deeply. “Incredibly attractive. I can’t even believe you would like someone like me.”

“What’s not to like?”

“I’m human? From the Empire? And there are so many more attractive men out there. Like, look at Fjord, he’s--”

“Not you.” Essek assured him, his voice soft and kind but solid, impossible to argue with. “And I like you , Caleb Widogast.”

He felt himself blush in the empty room. “I--I like you too, Essek.”

“Sounds like we like each other,” Essek teased through the door, causing Caleb to let loose a chuckle, the nervous swell in his stomach releasing. “I suppose we should date one another, then.”

“I suppose so,” Caleb agreed, moving his head off of the door, turning instead so that he was facing the door handle. He wanted to kiss him again. “Can we open the door now?”

“Just--one more thing. Two more things, actually.” Essek breathed deeply. “I don’t think I’ll get in trouble with the Dynasty for dating you, but I also don’t want to risk endangering my job. Does--will it bother you if we keep things subtle, while we’re in public?”

Caleb shook his head, then remembered that Essek couldn’t see him. “That’s fine. I can keep a secret. Can we tell my companions, or would you prefer to keep them in the dark?”

“I don’t mind if they know. It might be fun to keep them guessing, though. I’ll leave that decision up to you to tell them if you’d like.” Essek breathed in deeply, and Caleb could tell that he was about to ask something he was nervous about. “The second thing: I don’t want to have sex.”

That caused Caleb to pause. “...Like, ever?”

“No. Well, um, not for a while, I guess,” Essek laughed hesitantly, a fake sort of laugh that came mostly from nervousness. “It’s just the last two relationships I had, they both went--went too fast, and I ended up getting really hurt, emotionally, and I just--I want to take it slower, with you. Because I really, really like you, and if I end up fucking things up with you I’ll probably still have to work with you, because I’m the Nein’s liaison, and I don’t want to ruin things like I have in the past. And if that’s a deal breaker for you--”

“It’s not,” Caleb assured him, surprising himself with his own honesty. For all that he had touched himself since he and Essek had started-- this --he found he didn’t mind the thought of waiting, if that’s what his partner wanted. “We can take things as slowly as we need to. It’s--” he paused, playing with his necklace again. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been with someone, romantically or sexually. Taking things slow is probably a smart idea for both of us.”

“It’s been a while for me, too,” Essek confessed. “And please, don’t think that it’s not that I don’t want you, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s just, I want to do things right , with you.”

“Me too,” Caleb confessed. “Can I kiss you now?”

“ Yes ,” Essek laughed, opening the door behind Caleb. He was hovering at full height while Caleb sat on the floor, but he wasted no time lowering himself into Caleb’s lap, kissing him deeply but quickly. “Then you can take me to dinner, khalir. ”

--

They did make it to dinner eventually, though a bit later that they meant to. Kissing had taken longer than they meant it to, and when they had pried themselves off of one another it had taken a bit to straighten themselves out. They decided to disguise themselves while going out, and that had been its own moment of silliness as they discussed the pros and cons of various disguises. Essek had turned himself into another drow, a less attractive version of himself with longer hair, while Caleb adopted his blue tiefling disguise, looking very much like himself, if he had been born Jester’s twin.

They talked freely when they were out, holding each other’s hands and talking, getting to know one another in ways they hadn’t previously. He learned that Essek was the youngest of four siblings, and the only one of them that wasn’t a consecrated soul at birth. He learned that Essek wasn’t born into Den Thelyss, but had been adopted into it after they realized he had a talent for magic. Essek, likewise, learned that the last time Caleb had dated someone had been sixteen years ago; that Caleb liked the rice they’d had with dinner but greatly preferred bread, and that he’d only traveled with the Mighty Nein for less than a year, now, but that he considered them his family.

When Essek walked him home after dinner, they kissed on the front porch for twenty minutes, until Darion came out and shooed Essek away, like a parent might to a teenager who had stayed out past curfew.

The two days they were in Rosohna before Traveler-con, Caleb spent as much time as possible with Essek, which wasn’t nearly as much time as Caleb would like, because Essek still unfortunately had to work. But they had dinner together each night, and kissed for several hours afterwards, and talked almost as much as they kissed, and Caleb found he enjoyed both activities equally well.

Before the Nein left for the island, Essek had given him a gift. A notebook, blue leather bound, but sparked with the scent of the arcane. “It’s a messenger book,” Essek explained over Caleb’s puzzled look. “You write something in your copy, and it’ll appear in my copy,” he lifted his own book, a twin to the journal Caleb had. “It’s a way for us to keep in contact without using spell-slots.”

Like Jester’s sending spell, but written down, and something he could keep private, without the rest of the group nosing their way into his business. “I love it,” Caleb said, and then kissed his boyfriend, because he could. “I’ll write in it every night.”

“I hope you do. I want to hear about all of your adventures,” Essek kissed him back swiftly, before pulling away. “Am I teleporting you guys to this...island, right?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Oh, I mind. But,” he squeezed Caleb’s hand, letting their hands swing together between them. “I suppose I mind less now than I did previously.”

[artificialqueens]

How Far I'll Go Chapter Six (Ninex) - Mia Ugly, Meggie

A/N: We’re baaaaack! Hi hello how are you? LIFE is crazy. We’re so sorry it took so long to get this chapter to you guys, but honestly, Snatch Game was probably the hardest thing we’ve written. It’s hard to be funny. I’m going to be way nicer to queens who do badly on Snatch Game from here on out because it’s not easy, mama. Anyway. We hope you enjoy this SUPER MEGA SIZED CHAPTER (10.5k!) to make up for the super long hiatus. And hopefully we’ll be back with more very soon. Come visit us on our blogs: @mia-ugly and @artificialmeggie

Previously: The runway was purple, but Blair’s Scarlett O'Hara realness wasn’t enough to save a poor performance and she was sent packing. Brooke and Vanjie are (most definitely) probably still messing around, and Nina and Monet had a moment backstage when Nina narrowly avoided elimination. Or was it a moment? Oh, and Nina’s probably losing his mind.

To come: Katya, Snatch Game, a hotel bar date, and a musical number.

Nina wakes up and is still on Drag Race.

He might be having some kind of a nervous breakdown (and breaking into song periodically) but that’s showbiz, kid.

And now it’s time for the fucking Snatch Game.

Shower, shave, dress.

Prepare for another sloppy Branjie moment in the elevator (and thank God, Nina gets to avoid that for a change). Nina Bo’nina is riding down alone, and the two of them chat distractedly on their way to the conference room.

A few of the mentors are there, but no Monét and no Trixie.

Nina tries not to let that bother him as he nibbles his toast and drinks his coffee. He’s focused this morning, ready for whatever happens next. He’s been thinking about Snatch Game since the moment he got the All Stars call, is determined that this is going to be his challenge (of course, he might have had that thought about the last challenge too… No, nope, move the hell on, girl.)

Nina doesn’t see Brooke until they film the Werk Room entrance. The man looks exhausted. There are circles under his eyes that the makeup guy has done his best to cover, but it’s still obvious Brooke is not at his best. It makes Nina remember that - no matter how stupid the Canadian is being about Vanjie (and no matter what sort of history he has with Nina’s equally stupid heart), Nina still loves him. Will probably always love him in some kind of way.

“No coffee this morning?” he asks quietly as they’re waiting to get mic’d.

“Not enough.” Brooke pulls down his hideous knitted beanie (where the hell does he keep getting those? A P.A. should - frankly - take them away.)

“Have a late night?” Nina doesn’t really want to know, but if Brooke needs to talk about it -

“Oh no. No. Just - thinking.” He rolls his neck. “Like - we know what’s coming up, right? And last season - it wasn’t my best look.”

Nina barks out a an embarrassingly loud laugh. “No kidding.”

“You didn’t have to find it that funny.”

“It’s pretty funny.”

“You’re a dick, you know that? No matter how sweet Monét thinks you are.”

This makes Nina stop laughing. “Sorry - what?”

“He was just going on about you when he was watching Asia film our scene last episode. Like - ‘try this, Nina does this, blah blah.’”

Nina doesn’t know what to think about that. It makes him feel a bit warm and light-headed, but absolutely incapable of responding.

“Clearly you’ve got her fooled. I know what you’re really like.”

“Haha, yeah.” Nina’s voice is weak and he hopes to God Brooke doesn’t immediately clock his blush. Luckily, Vanjie chooses that moment to start flirting with the sound guy, and Brooke’s attention is suddenly elsewhere. Yes, yes, that’s good. Nina will have to keep Vanjie close by at all times, just in case he needs to distract Brooke.

They all romp into the Werk Room together, Shea and Asia working their few seconds in the doorway for all it’s worth (“pose for me, pose for me, POSE”). They talk a bit about Blair going home, but before they can say much about it there’s the sound of a video message, and the television flickers to life.

“Ladies,” Ru’s face comes onto the screen. “I picked you queens for All Stars because you represent the best of the best. But on second thought… I think I’d like to see some other queens in your place. Sorry, not sorry.”

The video ends.

“What the hell does that mean?” Shea asks.

“Nah, nah.” Vanjie is shaking his head in denial. “We don’t need no more hos up in here. We got too many of y’all already.”

“Hello, hello, hello!” The door opens and Ru comes into the Werk Room, followed by the mentors. Nina tries to smile and look as excited to see Ru as he’s always supposed to be, but - he can’t help being worried about whatever the hell twist is coming up. (Monét winks at him as he comes in, so that’s something. Nina will keep that one brief moment like a diamond in his pocket.)

“Ladies, for this week’s maxi challenge, it’s time for another All Star Edition of Snatch Game!”

Most of the queens around Nina are delighted - except Brooke. Nina can see him smiling, but it’s fragile and fake, and his arms are folded very tightly around himself, legs crossed at the thigh even though he’s standing; a clear indication he’s stressing.

“This time, however, to celebrate my recent single ‘Queens Everywhere’— available now on iTunes—we’re going to do things a little bit differently. I know you’re all amazing queens, but for this Snatch Game, I’d like to see if you have any other queens inside you.” Ru raises a suggestive eyebrow. “Not to give Miss Vanjie an unfair advantage.”

Vanjie’s jaw drops even as he laughs, mutters “shade” through his perfect teeth.

“For this Snatch Game, I’m asking you to channel one of your sisters. We’ve had a lot of iconic queens on this series, so you’ll have plenty of personalities to choose from. And luckily you’ve got some experts here for inspiration. Hashtag Snatch Game All Stars. Gentleman, start your engines. And may the best All Star… win!”

“The fuck?” Vanjie whispers to Nina as soon as Ru leaves. “Bitch, I had a damn plan. I brought the little gold trophies and everything. Watched all the fucking movies. Now I got to be one of y’all’s tired asses? That ain’t fair.”

“Trophies, like - you mean Oscars?”

“Sure, whatever.”

Nina has to admit that he’s kinda thrilled about this twist. He’d been telling anyone who will listen who he was going to be for the Snatch Game if he ever got another chance. He’d had a couple back-ups, of course (they’d all been told to bring a former queen, so honestly, they should have seen this coming from a mile away), but this really couldn’t have gone better for him.

He feels bad for some of the other queens though, especially Vanessa (the bitch was prepped to do Meryl Streep - Brooke’s idea, and a fucking hilarious one. He’d kill to see it).

“X-Queens assemble,” Monét calls over at him, and Nina pats Vanjie on the shoulder, goes off to sit with Monét and Asia.

Monét looks good. Real good. He’s in some loud patterned sweatshirt that has tiny slices of pizza all over it, and another pair of thick-rimmed glasses (white, or maybe baby pink?), and he’s smiling at Nina like - no, nope. Move along.

“It’s actually the Avengers that assemble,” Asia tells Monét, who rolls his eyes at her.

“Girl, you can’t be a bigger nerd than me. I won’t accept it.”

“Yeah, ‘cause knowing about the Avengers is real obscure, serious fan-only shit.”

“The shade, Miss Asia! Nina West, are you going to defend your mentor?”

Nina holds his hands up. “You’re the fearless leader, you got this.”

“The pair of you.” Monét shakes his head. “All right, what you got for Snatch Game?”

“I’ma be Brown Cow Stun-ning, yes, honey.” Asia pops her tongue after a pretty admirable impression of Monique Heart.

“And Miss Nina West?” Monét is looking at him with an eyebrow raised. Nina wonders if he’s heard the interviews, if he already knows.

“Miss Vaaaanjie,” Nina says, “Bitch, you know I don’t play games. Don’t play Monopology, Uno, Twistah, Tag, Marbles -”

“Jesus Christ, stop it.” Monét is covering his face with his hands, while Asia is cackling. “Does she know?”

“Not yet.”

“She will live. Okay, okay, I ain’t worried about either of you. Take me straight to the finale, win me that serious mentor coin.”

They run through a couple ideas for jokes, focusing more on Asia (who struggled last time and still has a bit of anxiety flaring behind her contacts). There’s a break for lunch, but it’s weirdly quiet, subdued. Snatch Game is an opportunity to stand out, to prove you deserve to be there. It’s also an opportunity to crash and burn in front of Ru, the judges, and later on - the world. So there’s that.

After lunch everyone starts putting on their paint, fixing their wigs. The cameras zoom in to get some Werk Room chatter about who is playing who, and of course they’re all dying for Vanessa’s reaction (as soon as he sees Nina pull out his pink-petalled Barbie-head dress from its garment bag, the pussycat’s out of the Prada bag).

“Noooo, bitch,” Vanjie shouts across the room, but he’s smiling. “Oh, I’mma have to whup your ass if that’s what I think it is.”

“Deuces!” Nina shouts back at him, throwing up the sign as well, while Brooke covers his face.

“That ain’t right, it ain’t right. Thought we was friends, sis.” Vanjie is laughing about it, though; Nina knows they’re cool.

“Who are you playing, Miss Shea Coulée?” Asia calls over to her sister, who is fussing with a nasty looking green wig.

“Paaaarty…” Shea drags out the word, working that vocal fry for all she’s worth. “I’m going to be Adore Delano, darling.”

Nina Bo’nina Brown thinks this is the funniest thing she’s ever heard, can’t speak for laughing so hard. Shea seems entertained by it at first, but her smile starts to tighten a little after the laughter continues a bit too long.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, nothing. Just - good luck, girl.”

“Who are you doing then?”

“Yeah,” Cracker interjects. “You were Jasmine Masters for your season’s Snatch Game right? The judges loved it.”

“Right. So why mess with perfection? I’m going to do Miss Jasmine Masters.”

A couple of the girls stop what they’re doing when she says this.

“You’re going to play the same queen?” Cracker repeats, a bit shocked.

“Yeah. I was sickening last time, I’ll be sickening this time.”

“Aren’t you worried that they’ll read you for not showing them what else you can do?”

“Nah. They’re gonna be laughing too hard.”

“Mmmm…” Vanjie makes a low, skeptical noise.

“Trust and believe, Vanjie,” Nina B. calls over to her. “Trust and believe.”

The cameras have to reset then to film Ru’s entrance into the Werk Room, and catch all the queens’ “surprised” reactions.

“Hello hello hello, kitty girls!”

Nina beams, claps his hands, that whole production. He’s feeling pretty good though - the energy is real. He’s actually excited for this challenge, ready to show Ru what he can do. (That’s how he felt last year too, then Silky went and yanked the win right out from under him. But no time to dwell on that now.)

“How are my All Stars? I thought I’d take a little look-see at what you were planning for us. And I brought along one of our extra special guest judges to help me out.”

From behind Ru, Katya Zamolodchikova comes in waving and smiling, teeth glowing white against her red lipstick.

“Oh my god! Get your own thing!” Trixie yells from across the room, and Katya does that ridiculous/adorable silent laugh that Nina has seen on “UNHhhh” too many times to count.

“Thanks for coming, Katya!” Ru says cheerfully.

“No problem, Ru. Thanks for unlocking the attic door!”

“Well, it was a special occasion. And I was feeling generous.”

They go from station to station, cameras following them around silently, and Nina fusses a bit with his dress while eavesdropping on their conversations with the other queens. There is a bit of concern for Brooke, who’s playing Detox (no big surprise there). How is Brooke going to make Detox funny seems to be the main issue. Nina has the same question. Brooke seems more confident than last season, though, so Ru and Katya wish him luck.

There’s some controversy over Nina Bo’nina playing Jasmine again, but the girl won’t be convinced to try something else. Nina listens to some of the critiques, ignores some of the others. He’s interested, but he also knows he needs to focus on his own performance, and not get in his head. He’s not as bad as Brooke at over-thinking things, but no one goes into goddamn musical theatre who isn’t at least a little bit destroyed (psychologically speaking. Okay, maybe also a bit romantically. It’s fine).

“Nina West!” Ru says close to Nina’s ear, and he almost jumps a foot in the air. (Girl, Katya is standing four feet away from you, be cool, be cool.)

“Hello, hello, hello Christine,” he says, immediately launching into his Vanjie impression. Both Ru and Katya laugh - and Katya’s smile up close is completely unfair, like a smile cut out of paper, perfect and sharp-edged.

(“I don’t know her!” Vanjie shouts from across the room.)

“So who are you going to be?” Katya asks, completely straight-faced, as soon as she and Ru have stopped laughing.

“I don’t know, still making up my mind,” Nina says, back in his normal voice.

“And the uh -” Ru gestures to the hideous floral Barbie dress, “gown?”

“Do you like it? One of my best gowns. What’s funny?”

Katya is wheeze-laughing. Katya is wheeze-laughing because of something Nina said! He stores that one next to the Monét gem from earlier; hopes to have enough for his own tiara in the unthinkable event that he doesn’t win.

“Now on Season 11’s Snatch Game, you were hilarious, you played -”

“Harvey Fierstein and Jo Anne Worley-”

“Yes! And really, it might have been one of the strongest performances in Snatch Game herstory.”

Nina smiles gratefully (only slightly furious that Ru’s saying this despite the fact that Nina didn’t win. He deserved to win).

“So how can you possibly outdo yourself this time?”

“I’m not trying to outdo myself, I’m trying to do something different. Like Katya, when you played Björk -”

“Yes, yes, back to me,” Katya says, nodding.

“Completely different from Suze Orman, but still so funny. That’s what I’m going to do. Just - mix it up.”

“All right, Nina, good luck. Can’t wait to see it,” Ru says, moving on.

It’s fine. It’ll be fine.

As soon as Ru and Katya leave the Werk Room it’s a mad dash to get dressed and made up and before Nina knows it, before he can light a bunch of candles on an altar and find whatever religion will bring him the most luck, they’re all being rounded up and led into the studio for the Snatch Game.

Okay.

Okay.

Brooke’s Detox look is iconic, the yellow and black striped bandage dress from the Season 5 premiere (probably borrowed from Detox herself) hugs his perfectly padded body, but he’s absolutely trembling as he walks beside Nina. Nina has to squeeze his shoulder, tell him it’ll be fine.

“It’s fun, Brooke. Just have fun with it,” he murmurs as he hits the bright studio lights, has to blink until his vision adjusts (the first thing he sees is Monét and Nina’s blinded by him).

Okay.

The mentors are sitting along the sidelines, ready to watch the show play out. Nina wasn’t expecting that, but it’s - fine. Monét smiles at him, and Nina’s going to use that smile as a good luck charm - a rabbit’s foot, a four leaf clover, whatever. It’s impossible not to feel lucky when someone who looks like Monét goddamn X Change smiles at you like that.

“Welcome to the first All Stars ‘Queens Everywhere’ Snatch Game!” Ru says after they’re all mic’d and seated, upbeat music playing behind him. “Let’s meet our contestants.”

Katya beams from where she’s sitting behind her glittery podium and microphone.

“It’s everyone’s favorite queen that we found digging in the dumpster outside - Katya!”

“And yet I’m still hungry!”

Katya smiles at Ru and then snaps her teeth at the other queens.

“And - just when you thought we’d finally seen the last of her - halleloo! It’s Shangela!”

Shangela raises one hand in the air, nodding seriously. “That’s right, I’m back again, bitches. And I ain’t even in a box this time, baby.”

“Ladies, are you ready to meet the queens?”

“Yaaaaaaaaaas,” they answer in tandem.

They reset so that Ru can film the introductions, and Nina’s heart starts rattling like bones in a bag. He’s buzzing with adrenaline and nerves, but he’s going to channel that into a goddamn win. That’s right, he tells his inner saboteur - you can fuck off. This challenge is mine.

“The heart of Season 10 - Monique Heart is here!” Ru starts with Asia, whose Monique look is extremely correct.

“Hello world! Hello America! Are you brown cow stunning?” She tosses Ru a ridiculous cow-patterned baseball cap. Ru briefly feigns excitement before throwing it over his shoulder in distaste.

“Burn that,” he murmurs to one of the camera crew. “Next up, we have the original party-queen - Adore Delano!”

Shea Coulee stretches her arms in the air before making a peace sign, growling “Party,” in a gravelly voice.

“How are you doing Adore?”

“I mean, I’m good, you know? Like. Excited to be back. Where am I again?”

Nina has to turn his mouth into his shoulder to stifle the laugh that bubbles to his throat immediately. He wasn’t sold on it when they were discussing it in the Werk Room, but Shea is killing it as Adore. Her voice, her delivery is hilarious. The makeup is flawless. Her perpetual open mouth is complete perfection. As always, Shea Coulee is slaying the competition. Nina’s stomach gives a nervous jolt, so he sucks in a deep breath and reminds himself to pay attention.

He realizes he’s missed Ivy’s introduction, but Katya is gagged at the illusion of, well - Her - that Ivy is turning today. A mid-length honey blonde wig barely brushes Ivy’s shoulders and her red bustier is covered in rhinestones (and, of course, the scythe and hammer.) The look is great. The accent, on the other hand… Nina sighs a little, but tries not to get comfortable, regardless of how terrible Ivy’s Russian accent is.

Vanjie is seated at the end of the top row, decked out in red lace, a large pair of dark sunglasses balanced precariously on her nose. There’s no denying the air about her: Miss Vanjie is living Miss Valentina’s French vanilla fantasy, and no one could doubt it.

Ru beams at him. “Valentina! How wonderful to see you again!”

Vanjie draws in a deep breath. “That’s right, Ru, it’s me - Valentina. I’m back, and this time, I just want you to know, I fully learned all the words to ‘Greedy.’”

“Excellent! You want to sing us a verse right now?”

“No,” Vanjie answers, extremely primly, and even in his gravelly voice, the delivery is enough to make Ru laugh.

“Maybe next time.”

“Probably not.”

Then Ru’s looking at Nina and - oh, god, why did he think coming back for All Stars was a good idea again?

“Miss Vaaaaaanjie is here!” Ru trills.

Nina sucks in a deep breath and - “What’s the grease, mama?”

Down the row, Brooke buries his face in his hands, but his shoulders bounce with laughter. Ru is giggling loudly. Even Katya and Shangela are agape at the spot-on impression like it’s the first time he’s done it, the first time they’ve heard it.

He lets himself relax a little.

“Three seasons in a row.” Ru consults his cue cards. “Girl, aren’t you tired of competing yet?”

“Mmhmm.” Nina shakes his head vehemently, the wig he pilfered from Vanjie weeks ago flying around his shoulders. (He really does owe Brooke one for that.) “Nah, girl, you know I’m still trying to get my own show. Like Vanjie of Love or some shit like that. You know, something where these triflin’ hos gotta pay me some damn attention.”

In his periphery, Nina catches Brooke cut his eyes to him. He hopes this is okay. They haven’t really discussed the Branjie territory in regards to his jokes, but he kind of assumed it was fair game. Besides, he isn’t planning on directly hurting anyone’s feelings. He’ll keep it light, keep it fun. Besides, they’re the ones who marketed their portmanteau and gave the profits to charity. It’s practically public domain at this point.

“Next up we’ve got - oh my goodness, it’s Jasmine Masters!”

Nina Bo’nina gives Ru an extremely “over it” look. “Yeah, and I got something to say.”

“Now Jasmine - no tea, no shade, but haven’t you been on Snatch Game before?”

There’s a bit of an awkward pause before Nina Bo’nina waves him away.

“Bitch, I’ve got something more to say.”

Ru chuckles a bit, “I bet you do,” and moves on to Brooke.

“Another former All Star contestant, welcome Detox!”

Brooke looks sullen and concerned. He gives a little nod at Ru and the contestants.

“Detox, what’s the matter? You don’t look happy to be here.”

“Oh, am I not smiling?” Brooke asks through his extremely full, painted-on lips. “I can’t feel anything above my neck.” He shapes his mouth into a grotesque smile using his hands, and Ru almost doubles over. Okay, okay. Nina feels a little less worried about Brooke.

“And last but not least, we have - um, Aquaria! Hey girl!”

“Hi Ru!”

“Aquaria, is that the new way you’re spelling your name?” Cracker has written Acwareea on her name-card. A couple letters are backwards.

“Huh?” Cracker looks down at the name card. “Oh, I can’t spell my name. Actually, I can’t spell anything.”

“Okay then.”

“You know, some girls chose to read books, I chose to turn looks.”

“Yeah, you did! Now let’s get ready to play the Snatch Game!”

They break for a few adjustments on the cameras and microphones, and Nina tries not to hyperventilate, and then fuck - they’re rolling again.

“Here we go. The first question is for Katya. Katya, All Stars Season 1 paved the way, and brought back some of the most celebrated queens of all time to compete. This time, instead of competing in pairs, the queens are competing in BLANK.”

Be funny, be funny, be fucking funny. Nina tries to think like Vanjie and writes down an answer as soon as he’s got one, hoping it will be good enough.

“Okay, pens down. Katya?”

“I said competing in traction.”

“In - traction?”

“Yeah, you know, when all the bones in your body are broken and you’re in the hospital bed with your leg in the air.”

“That would certainly be a different kind of competition.”

“I’d watch it,” Katya says seriously, and Ru laughs.

“Let’s go to the Queens and see if we have any matches. Miss Valentina. What did you write down?”

Vanjie has put a lace mask on over the bottom of her face. She mumbles something indecipherable.

“What was that?” Ru asks. Vanjie mumbles something again.

“Valentina,” Ru says, clearly picking up on the joke. “Take that thing off your face.”

“I’d like to keep it on please.”

Ru shakes his head slowly, and at last Vanjie removes her mask.

“Now, Valentina. What did you write?”

Vanjie flips her card over, and Ru starts to wheeze with laughter. “That’s what I wrote down. I’d like to keep it on please.“

Vanjie’s Valentina voice is slipping, but she’s hella charming anyway, as always.

“I’m sorry, my dear, but that is not a match. Moving on to Aquaria - oh! You’ve got a new outfit.”

Miz Cracker was scrambling to put on a new wig and geometric headpiece made of iPhones while Ru was speaking to the contestants. She looks great, and she’s killing Aquaria’s affected head wobble.

“This season the queens are competing in BLANK.”

Cracker flips her card to reveal Aquaria’s instagram URL. “I wasn’t born when All Stars Season 1 aired, so I just wrote this.”

“Oh, okay - not a match.”

“I’m young,” Cracker insists, and Ru nods, patiently.

“We all were once. What did Miss Vaaaaanjie have to say?”

“I said we’d have to compete in swimsuits,” Nina says, flipping over his card.

“Swimsuits?”

“Yeah. Cause maybe then Michelle won’t read my ass for filth every damn week.”

Ru gapes at him, like he can’t believe he just came for Michelle in Snatch Game.

“Swimsuits be glamor when everybody else is doing them too, bitch!” Nina pops his tongue.

Ru laughs, high and clear, and then turns to the other Nina. “What about you, Jasmine? What do you have to say?”

Nina Bo’nina slaps her hands on the table and purses her lips. “We gonna be competing in making viral videos to get Justin Bieber’s attention, Ru.”

The room — pauses while Ru tries to save face with a polite chuckle. Nina West can practically hear the shade rattle sound effect that will inevitably be edited in at this exact moment.

Jasmine Masters probably wasn’t Nina Bo’nina’s best option (anyone could have told her that and, good god girl, they really tried). It’s not working. Nina doesn’t think any of it’s working.

Ru clears his throat, shakes his head. “I’m certain you could teach them a thing or two about that, but unfortunately, it’s not a match.”

Nina Bo’nina shrugs.

Ru shuffles his cue cards and moves on. “This next question is for Shangela. In All Stars Season 2, we changed things up by letting the queens choose who would be eliminated. This season, as well as eliminating each other, the queens will have to BLANK each other.”

There’s the scribbling of markers from the queens around Nina (who like to think he’s got this answer down blind.)

“Okay, pens down. Shangela? This season, the queens will also have to…”

“I knew what y’all were looking for, because y’all are nasty…” Shangela turns her card around. “But I’m a lady, so I said they’d have to ‘tuck’ each other.”

“Tuck each other!”

“Sometimes a girl needs a helping hand, mama.”

“Ain’t that the truth. Let’s see if we have any matches! Katya, what did you say?”

Ivy looks a bit startled to be called on first, but she beams with her red lips, flips her card over. “I said eat each other. To consume each other’s power and fill the gaping void that lives -” She pats her chest. “Right here.”

Katya (the real Katya) shrieks, but Ru shakes his head.

“I’m sorry, that’s not a match.”

“Da,” Ivy says solemnly, in her terrible Russian accent. “Da. It never is match. Like me and Trixie. Match but… No match.”

And, okay, Nina might imagine it, but it seems like the studio goes eerily quiet as everyone waits for Trixie’s reaction. She’s smiling, but it looks forced. Katya clears her throat but laughs, which seems to dispel the weird tension that formed.

Ru, oblivious to the entire thing, moves on. “Miss Vaaaanjie, what did you say?”

Nina sighs and flips his card, feeling pretty pleased with himself. “I said date each other. You know, I still be lookin’ for that Notebook shit.”

“Oh yeah, we know. No more Post-Its, right?”

“No more Post-Its, never again. I ain’t got the time, Mary!” He glances over at Brooke, raises his eyebrows seductively. “Hey, how you doin’?” Behind him, the real Vanjie mumbles something under his breath.

“I’m sorry, my dear, that’s not a match.”

“Bitch, it might be!” Nina says, still looking at Brooke, and Ru bends over laughing, stomping his foot into the ground. It’s adrenaline, it’s power, it’s like Nina knows this challenge is his.

“You ain’t even know!” he continues, channeling angry Vanessa as much as possible. “Just ‘cause one tall blonde bitch did me wrong don’t mean they all will. Shit.” Nina crosses his arms over his chest, leans back in his chair, sees Brooke duck his head and blink rapidly a few times.

That might have been too much. He just got caught in the moment and… Fuck. Dial it back a little, but stay focused.

“Moving on to Aquaria,” Ru says. Aquaria, this season the queens will have to BLANK each other.”

“I said ‘copy each other,” Cracker says tightly, in Aquaria’s low voice. “And it’s too bad Miz Cracker isn’t here. Maybe then she would have won something.”

“Oho!” Ru laughs, a bit scandalized. “Not a match, my dear.”

Cracker shrugs and throws the card over her shoulder. “Someone save that so I can call and ask Cracker if she wants more of my sloppy seconds.”

“Adore Delanoooo!” Ru trills the last syllable as he turns to Shea, who tosses the long green waves over her shoulder.

She flashes Ru one of Adore’s signature winking, mouth-open, tongue-out smiles with a peace sign.

“What did you write down, darling?”

“I said ‘party with each other,’” Shea drawls in Adore’s affected tone, adding more fry than is entirely necessary, but it gets the point across. She’s goofy and perfect.

“Party with each other,” Ru repeats.

“Yeah! I mean, you guys all look super cool. I’d hang out with you, smoke a blunt, eat some pizza. You know, party!”

Ru tsks. “Sounds like a great Tuesday night, but unfortunately not a match.” He turns to face the contestants, where Katya is sitting with her hands folded primly on her stack of cards. “Back to Katya! In All Stars Season 3, BenDeLaCreme shocked the judges by sending herself home. This season, Michelle Visage will shock everyone by BLANKING herself.”

Katya takes a minute to ponder, pressing her index finger to her lips then writes something on her card. Nina and the other queens follow suit, and when their time is up, Katya is smiling ferociously.

“Let’s see what our contestant put down. Katya?” Ru faces her. “Michelle Visage will shock everyone by doing what?”

Katya clears her throat. “I could have gone the obvious route, you know.”

“Obviously,” Ru says.

“Instead, I said, ‘sacrificing herself.’”

“Sacrificing herself?”

“With fire. To the Gods, honey.”

“Okay… Any particular God?”

“…Satan.”

“Of course. Let’s go to our queens. Detox, this season Michelle Visage will shock everyone by…”

Brooke flips his card over. “I said motorboating herself. I mean, if anyone could do it -”

“I don’t know how shocking that would be… but either way, I’m sorry, not a match. Vanessa Vanjie Mateo! What did you say, my dear?”

Nina flips over his card. “I said cloning herself.”

“Cloning herself?”

“Mmm-hmm. Need two of her to manage your ass.”

Ru laughs, and Nina thanks every God he knows the name of. The burn landed!

“And now she got that done, she’s gonna clone me some Canadian bacon.”

“Is that right?”

“Hell yeah it is.” Nina does not look at Brooke or Vanjie. “But only the good parts, baby. Trim all the fat; I’m a growing girl, need more protein in my diet.”

“Bitch, you couldn’t handle that much protein,” Vanjie-as-Valentina cuts in, and Ru fans himself.

“A controversial question! Let’s go to Monique Heart, see what she said. Michelle Visage will shock everyone by…”

“I said believing in herself.” Asia-as-Monique-turns her face to the camera. “Like I believe in myself, America. And that’s why I’d like to take this moment to announce my run for office.”

“Which office is that?”

“Whichever.” Asia’s got Monique’s flighty passion down perfectly. “One of the big ones, you know. And thank you, America, for your trust. I won’t let you down.”

Ru reads the last question of the night. “In All Stars Season 4, history was made when we celebrated the first Drag Race double crowning. This season, we’ll be making history with a double BLANK.”

Shangela is already shaking her head knowingly. There’s a scrabble of writing from the queens.

“Ladies, pens down. Shangela?”

“I’m giving the people what they want, Ru. I ain’t proud. I had to say a double fisting.”

“Did you really have to say it though?”

“Actually, mama, I did. The PAs have my children.”

“Ha! All right ladies, let’s see if we have any matches. Adore Delano. This season we’ll be making history with the first double BLANK.”

Shea holds up her card proudly. “I said the first double… elimination.”

Ru is quiet for a moment. “That’s actually been done before.”

“It has?”

“A couple of times, actually.”

“Oh.” Shea is unfazed. “Well. I don’t watch the show.”

Ru wheeze laughs, and so does Nina.

“I mean, I don’t know who any of you people are.”

“Sorry, Adore. Not a match.”

Shea shrugs, flashes a peace sign.

“What about you Katya?” Ru moves over to Ivy.

“Well, I thought about what Trixie and I like to do behind the scenes of ‘UNHhhh’ and I just had to put - fisting!” She flips her card.

“It’s a match!” Ru exclaims.

Everyone is laughing, but Nina can’t help check out the subjects of Ivy’s joke. The real Katya Zamo is smiling but - her teeth look clenched. And over with the mentors, Trixie Mattel is not smiling at all. She’s staring at her hands in her lap, systematically picking at the baby pink polish that adorns her fingernails. Hopefully none of the cameras pick up on that.

“I’ll see you later tonight!” Ivy continues, pointing at Trixie. There’s a halfway amused smile on Trixie’s face right away, but Nina feels like he was punched in the stomach. Something’s going on between the two of them, clearly. It hurts to watch - not like watching Vanjie and Brooke hurts (that’s more like watching two attractive bricks smash together). But Trixie and Katya - there’s so much history there. So much darkness. And God knows enough people have been convinced they’re in love -

“Monique Heart, what did you put down? This season we’ll be making history with the first double BLANK.”

“I said the first double crowning, dahling.”

“I’m sorry Monique, we already did that as well.”

“I know y’all did it, but I feel like it didn’t really count because my ass wasn’t wearing one of those crowns. It should have been me, and that’s a fact, America. And facts are - what? Facts.”

Ru laughs for a moment before turning to Nina. “What about Miss Vaaaanjie?”

“I said the first double wedding. And before y’all even ask: I do.” Nina glances over at Brooke, hoping he isn’t hitting this note a bit too hard.

“You do? Who’s the other happy couple?”

Ivy interrupts before Nina can answer. “Trixie! I’ve been meaning to ask you!”

“Oh honey,” Trixie calls out, looking flushed and uncomfortable. “I know I said I’d give more to charity this year, honey, but my generosity has limits.”

Behind her podium, Katya’s face is absolutely expressionless.

“Well, queens, we’re out of time,” Ru announces. “Which means the winner is… Xanax! Talk to your pharmacist. See you next time on the Snatch Game!”

Nina throws ‘deuces’ at the cameras as they get some closing B-roll, keeping up his Vanjie-persona until the very end. As soon as the director yells “cut!” Nina lets out the breath he’s been holding for the past two hours. God, it went by fast, but now he’s feeling every second of it. His muscles ache like he ran a marathon this morning and then tried kick-boxing for the first time.

“Nice work, ladies,” P.A.’s are congratulating them as they leave the set, but Nina barely hears a word. He de-drags, does some of the talking head interviews he loves so much (has to look shady about Nina B.’s performance, and worried about Brooke. Nina doesn’t put on an act or anything - he is kinda worried about Brooke. Brooke did ‘okay’ - better than Celine for sure - but didn’t stand out the way some of the other queens did. And if Brooke goes home tomorrow night - fuck. Nina doesn’t quite know how he feels about that).

Brooke was also kind of weird as they took off their paint in the Werk Room. Nina thought at first that he was in his head about the Snatch Game, but now he’s starting to wonder if his answers as Vanjie might have fucked Brooke up a bit. He hasn’t had a chance to address it, but he’s going to have to tomorrow, just to make sure they’re cool. He thinks it will be okay. He’s pretty sure. Basically. Almost positive.

Nina might be working through some latent confidence issues as he pushes himself for four miles on the elliptical later that night in the hotel (work through the pain, he reminds himself), but it’s fine really. Nothing to see here. Move along.

His legs ache and his face drips sweat, but he feels—good, actually. Solid about his performance. (He did last year, too, but he’s trying not to think about that.)

Dolly is singing about ways to make a living in his ears. He’s not assuming - but he is preparing. Just in case. If he has to lipsync for his legacy, he wants to be ready. Wants to win this one more than any other challenge, and call him crazy, but he feels like there’s a real chance. He can’t pinpoint why exactly, but there’s some kind of feeling settling down into his bones, making him think that maybe maybe maybe—

Underneath that, something uncomfortable has wormed its way into his psyche. It has almost nothing to do with the actual competition. It’s stupid and predictable and oh-so-not what he should be concerned with while on the set of All Stars for Christ’s sake. But he is and he’s here and he’s feeling things, and Nina taught himself a long time ago that feeling things fully for a while and then letting them go is far more beneficial to his mental health than taking the Brooke route and bottling everything up and burying it under vodka cranberries and couch cushions.

So sure. Okay. He’s feeling some kind of way about this thing that he saw that he wasn’t even supposed to see and isn’t even any of his business, but that’s just Nina’s luck for you. So that’s what he focuses on (or tries not to) as he turns up the resistance and pushes through the last of his workout.

He’d risked a glance back at Monét right before the PAs had shoved them off the soundstage. He’s in the business of gem collecting now, savoring those moments, polishing them up for later use, and maybe he wanted a ruby tinted the exact shade of Monét’s lipstick as they’d smiled across the room at each other.

Instead, he’d seen Monét reaching out to Shangela, crimson lips puckered, arms outstretched, ready for the kiss Nina couldn’t make himself watch.

Maybe they had kissed, Nina didn’t know; he’d made himself turn away before he could inflict any more psychological damage on himself. (He’s choosing healthier options now, remember.)

Of course they hadn’t had a moment after the last runway. Why would he think that? When Monét could have anyone he wants, and Nina is practically an amorphous blob. Like. He knows drag queens are all touchy-cuddly most of the time, and he knows that there’s probably nothing going on between Monét and pretty, perfect, halleloo-ing Shangela. But there could be, right? And goddamn, that would actually make sense. As opposed to whatever madness was going on in Nina’s head last night.

He adds even more resistance to the elliptical - just for “fun.” Or maybe spite. And yeah, okay, one night of really solid work in the hotel gym isn’t going to turn him into Naomi Smalls with legs up to his asshole or anything, but it’s a start. And the sooner Nina can convince himself that he isn’t doing this for Monét (or anyone other than himself because he likes exercise, damn it), the better.

He’s a grown-ass adult. He recognizes delusion when he sees it in the mirror every morning. It’s time to face facts—he and Monét had one (wondrously) sensual, albeit (incredibly) drunken night months ago. Monét had left the ball in Nina’s court. Nina was too chickenshit to do anything about it. Now they’re tentative friends (Monét is his mentor after all), Nina might be going crazy (this whole bursting-into-song-but-not-really thing has gone too far), and it’s all just so messy.

Nina wipes his face, stretches, and heads out of the hotel gym. He probably looks like a sweaty disaster (okay, there’s no ‘probably’ about it) and he’s waiting for the elevator down to the floor with his room, when the doors “ding” open and he’s face to face with Monét.

Could be worse. Could be Branjie again.

“Get in loser, we’re going drinking!” Monét says, with a wide smile on his face.

He’s so fucking charming that Nina momentarily forgets that he himself is a hot damn mess. Literally, like hot. Dripping with sweat.

“Um.” He gets into the elevator anyway because - he’s gotta go somewhere. “Are we?”

“If you want.” Monét gets strangely shy as soon as the elevator doors close. Or maybe that’s just in Nina’s mind. “Was the Mean Girls reference too much? I feel like maybe it’s played out.”

Nina laughs out loud, awkwardness momentarily forgotten. Monét never seems anything but confident and composed, and that one moment of doubt is - surprisingly endearing.

Not that confident, composed Monét isn’t completely endearing as well. Like. It’s all good. It all works a little too well for Nina. Everything about Monét is working a little too well for Nina lately.

Shit, the elevator is moving, decision-making time is limited.

“I kinda look like - this?” Nina waves a hand at his damp self.

“Fine as hell, girl,” Monét says with a grin, “and no pressure, obviously. Though if I’m drinking alone at the hotel bar, it’s going to look a little sad. And, look, I can make sad work for me, that’s not a problem. But after the day I’ve had -”

“Oh, the day you’ve had. Yeah, I forgot how stressful it must have been. Competing on a reality show and all that.”

“Fuck off. Uh oh, we’re passing your floor -”

“How do you know which floor is mine?”

Monét blinks at him, briefly speechless, mouth agape. (It makes something spark like a firework in Nina’s chest, shoot colours across the night sky.) The moment passes and then Monét doesn’t even have the decency to look embarrassed, just smiles like a gorgeous monster as he taps his temple. “That’s classified mentor information.”

“Yeah?”

“Hell yeah. You don’t want to know about my top-secret dossier.”

“No, I - don’t.”

“You sure you don’t?” Monét winks at him, and the elevator dings as it reaches the ground floor. “Ah, shit, missed your stop. Better come do shots with me.”

“I mean, I could just press the button again.” Nina doesn’t know why he’s resisting, he wants to get tipsy with Monét more than he wants to do most things (aside from win All Stars and run for office someday maybe).

“Nah, girl, this elevator only goes down. One-way elevator. Sorry, should have told you.”

“Guess I’m out of options.”

“Guess so.”

They look at each other. Nina remembers the man that asked him up to his room the night of the finale. Nina remembers the taste of his mouth, the way Monét kept kissing him, like he couldn’t get enough. Nina -

- is clearly exhausted. And still delusional. But fuck it.

They go to the hotel bar (isn’t this how all the bad stories start?) and Monét buys them both a tequila sunrise and tells Nina way more than he should about Trixie Mattel.

“So her man and her are split. She’s feeling some kind of way about it.”

“Of course she is. Haven’t they been together for, like, ever?”

“Something like that. Fuck.” Monét drains his drink, motions for another round. “We’ve been talking about it, but I’m not - you know. I love her, she’s incredible, but - I’m not - her best friend.”

“You’re not Katya,” Nina says quietly, and Monét scrubs his hands over his face.

“Yeah. That.”

“So why isn’t she talking to Katya, then? You guys have your phones; Katya’s here now, for Christ’s sake.”

Monét shrugs. “Beats me.”

“Are they -” Nina doesn’t have any right to this information, but - he figures that Monét wants to talk about it. “Potentially… do you think -”

“Who the fuck knows? Honestly, when I said I’d come back to do this show, I did not think it would be like being in high school again. Like who is crushing on who, who is hooking up, it -” He darts a look over at Nina and then snaps his mouth shut. “I mean.”

Nina looks away. Finishes his second drink a bit too quickly. “You want another?”

“Okay,” Monét answers before Nina can even finish the sentence.

The bartender is particularly attentive, gets another round in front of them right away. He’s got a lot of smiles for them both, says, “This round’s on me, I’m a huge fan,” as he walks off to help another customer, and Nina - can’t help it, he’s a masochist - raises an eyebrow at Monét.

“Think you’ve got an admirer.”

“Yeah?” Monét rolls his eyes. “More like you do.”

“Should we turn this into an awful romantic comedy where we make a bet about who he likes more?”

Monét laughs like he’s shocked at himself. “Girl! Okay, but what happens at the end? Who wins?”

“Well, if we’re following the formula, we probably both realize that real love was right in front of - you know, I don’t know. You, you win.” Fuck fuck fuck, what the hell is Nina even saying? He watched too many Hallmark movies last Christmas. “That voice, that ass, right?” He tries to make it into a joke, even with Monét’s eyes all honeyed and serious on his face.

Monét purses those perfect lips, presses them into a semi-smile. “Just… didn’t want to assume nothing.”

They talk for another couple drinks, and it’s - shit, it’s easy. It’s never this easy with someone Nina likes. He knows he can be funny, knows he can bring out the charm (with the right amount of alcohol in his system) but usually if there are feelings involved it all goes to hell. Nina gets weird and in his head and laughs too loudly and spills his drink everywhere.

But with Monét - it shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn’t be this easy, especially with all the longing covering up the background like terrible flowered wallpaper. It shouldn’t be this easy for Nina to stop over-thinking things and just exist in the presence of this gorgeous person.

But it is. It is easy. That’s the worst part of it all.

Monét is laughing and grabbing for his arm (just like finale night in the other hotel bar) and there’s heat in Nina’s cheeks that isn’t just from the alcohol, and Monét’s lips are glistening and wet as he pulls the straw between them and sips every last bit of the cocktail into his mouth.

Nina swallows thickly, leans into the sound of Monét’s deep rumbling laugh, reaches for his knee when he starts to slip off the hotel barstool.

How many drinks are they in now? Four? Five? More? The room is spinning.

Nina is laughing. Light, airy. Not giggling exactly but laughing and his cheeks are burning and Monét is looking at him through narrowed eyes.

“Be careful, Nina West,” Monét says, and his voice is low and dangerous. “Be careful lookin’ at people like that. They might get… ideas.”

Nina’s breath hitches in his throat and he swallows hard. “Ideas?”

“I might get ideas.” Monét smiles crookedly; his eyes are half-closed and sleepy as he rests his chin on his hand and leans against the bar. “You never texted me.”

Nina’s so glad he’s drunk. So glad he missed his floor, even if it has led to this. Because this conversation, this thing has hung between them for the entirety of filming and it hasn’t been uncomfortable exactly (because they’re adults, thank you very much), but it hasn’t been wonderful either. And Nina more than anything wants to rewind back to May, go to lunch, talk about anything and everything and nothing with Monét until they fall back into hotel sheets and kiss and kiss and kiss until—

“Why didn’t you ever text me?”

Nina clears his throat. “I was… I… I wanted to.”

“But?” Monét’s eyes are wide and pleading now. Still glassy with the alcohol, but inquisitive, bright, waiting to see how Nina is going to explain himself.

Nina is too, to be honest.

So he shakes his head. “I don’t know. Honestly. I don’t have a good reason. I wanted to. I should have.”

Monét ducks his head, takes the paper straw from his drink and twirls it between his middle and ring finger. It sends tiny droplets of tequila sunrise all over the wooden bartop.

“I thought about that night a lot, Nina West,” Monét says quietly, wiping at the droplets with a damp beverage napkin. “I don’t do that. That’s not like me.”

“Me either,” Nina says.

Nina knows that if they were sober this would be a very different conversation. There would definitely be more emotions, there might even be some yelling (although that doesn’t really seem like Monét’s thing and he’s never been one to raise his voice, so maybe not). Either way, they aren’t sober, and now they’re the sleepy kind of drunk and exhausted, so they just sit there at the bar staring at each other, not sure what to say next.

“Why’d you pick me?” Nina finally asks. “For the competition? Because of… that night?”

Monét shrugs and pulls his credit card out of the back pocket of his jeans. “Just wanted to win, girl. That’s it.”

“Shit, I don’t have—”

Monét waves him off. “I got it. Consider it after-hours mentoring.”

Nina thanks him repeatedly as they stand (clumsily) and make their way out of the hotel bar (stumblingly) and back to the elevator. When the doors shut behind them, Nina has a brief flash of all the things that two consenting adults can get up to in an elevator (some of which he has seen in recent days). But no. No. They had their chance, right? The ship has sailed.

Nina’s room is a few floors beneath the mentors’ (apparently), so he steps off before Monét.

“Can you find your way back to your room?” Monét asks, and Nina wishes he could says ‘no. No, I’m going to get completely lost, no, I’ll fall down every two steps if I don’t have you holding me up. No, I need you to linger in my doorway, I need to panic about whether I should try to kiss you goodnight, I need to think about inviting you in.

(I wouldn’t. Of course I wouldn’t. So - unprofessional. But - it’d be nice to think about.)’

“Yeah.” He smiles. “I’ll manage.”

Monét grins. Nina likes to think there’s a bit of disappointment around the edges of it, but he’s also a couple drinks in, and wears the rosiest of glasses at the best of times.

“Thanks for the company and conversation, Nina West.”

Nina nods. Doesn’t touch him, doesn’t look over his shoulder at Monét as he leaves the elevator.

But he doesn’t go back to his room either.

He wanders the hotel. Presses the down button and gets on a different elevator a few minutes later.

Nina’s going to regret this tomorrow when he’s exhausted, but he just can’t imagine shutting himself in his dark little room and lying down right now. He’s vibrating, on edge. It’s a bad idea, because there’s nothing more depressing than a silent hotel after midnight - something about the lateness of the hour makes all the shine come off. Nina’s feet lead him down one hallway and down another, and he doesn’t realize he’s heading to their usual breakfast-conference room until he hears… music?

Yes, there’s definitely music coming out of there, the casual strumming of a stringed instrument that doesn’t have anywhere to go. Someone might be humming too, it’s hard to tell from a distance.

Nina follows the sound.

The door is open, just a bit, and all the lights are on. Sitting alone in the room is Trixie Mattel, bent in concentration over her autoharp.

Out of drag, she looks smaller, more vulnerable. It’s clear just how young she is. She’s picking at a tune, murmuring something under her breath. Nina suddenly feels a warm breeze against his skin, and the melody that Trixie’s playing becomes clearer, a delicate bluegrass riff that would be at home on Nina’s old Emmylou Harris or Linda Ronstadt records.

Along with the warm breeze comes a gust of dandelion seeds, floating through the hallway like tiny wisps of cotton. Nina feels like he’s alone with Trixie in the middle of a waving wheat field, sun-baked and desolate. He can smell the cracked soil beneath his feet, hear the sound of crickets chirping in time with Trixie’s brittle melody.

Oh no. That thing is happening again.

Trixie starts to sing:

“You’re the brightest star in any room.

I’m never lonelier than when I’m with you.

I miss something that’s never happened.

I miss a place I’ve never been to.”

Her voice is quiet at first, but it grows louder.

“There are some bridges that you cannot cross

Say it again ‘til I convince myself

But all this certainty it feels like loss.

I wouldn’t risk this much for no one else.”

Trixie gets to her feet, starts walking through the wheatfield as she sings the chorus.

“And there’s a wide field between us

How you traveled all those miles without me I don’t understand

I’m always on the edge of falling

And you could pull me over just by reaching out your hand

If you’d only take that chance.”

She keeps plucking at the harp, and Nina feels words welling up inside him, ready to spill from his mouth (when he starts singing, he’s thinking of Monét. Because of course he is.)

“This sort of thing, it don’t come easy

I never know just what to do or say

It feels impossible, believe me

That you would ever look at me that way.”

He thinks of Monét’s lips on Shangela’s after the Snatch Game. He thinks of Monét’s eyes on him at the bar. (“Be careful lookin’ at people like that, Nina West.”)

“There are some bridges that you cannot cross

I built up walls around this paper heart

But when I see you I forget it

All of the reasons we should be apart.”

Trixie harmonizes along with Nina as he sings the chorus.

“And there’s a wide field between us

How I traveled all these miles, baby, I don’t understand

I’m always on the edge of falling

And you could pull me over by just reaching out your hand

But could I ever take that chance?”

Nina sings the last line one more time, feeling the weight of his hopeless longing rising like a tide inside his chest. “If you’d only take that chance…”

“Nina?”

“Um.”

Trixie is sitting in the conference room, staring at him. She’s holding her autoharp but there’s no flowing wheatfields or whatever. Somehow Nina ended up in the doorway, just standing there. Fuck’s sake. Is he dissociating? Musically??? This is unbearable.

“How long have you been there?” Trixie asks, confused.

“Um, just got - here, so -” Nina’s face is probably turning bright red, and he’s hoping against that he hasn’t just been shouting song lyrics blankly at a terrified Trixie Mattel for the past few minutes. “Are you okay?”

Trixie winces. Then she nods.

“Yeah, of course. Just - yes. Couldn’t sleep. Figuring some - stuff out. You?”

“Just - you know. Having an emotional spiral.”

“Oh honey…” Trixie’s smiling but her voice is soft and sad. “My first perm was an emotional spiral, honey.”

Nina laughs in a brittle way, because 1) Trixie’s hilarious and 2) it’s obvious she’s trying to make him feel better.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not right now,” Trixie sighs, shakes her head. “But thanks.”

Nina leaves her to it. After - whatever that just was - he feels ready to crash at long last. He’s still a bit buzzed from the tequila, but his nervous energy has banked, and he heads back to his room. He’s ready to sleep, ready to deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

So of course, there’s someone waiting for him outside his room.

“Nina West.” Maya the P.A. gives him a slow, broad smile the moment he comes into view. “Found your way back, hey? Great. We need to talk.”

Interlude: Trixie

Conversation with:

swamp thing

i cunt believe i agreed to this

Fuck autocorrect CANT

It knows what you REALLY MEANT

It knew i was texting you and assumed

I’ll take it

You’ll take anything

I ain’t proud mama

I’m hunnnnnngry

For serious though, things okay there?

For serious serious

4 C-ri-us

GROSS

That’s gonna be my dj name

Please welcome to the stage

Why do I talk to you

Why do i even know you

Yes things are find its just weird

Being back on set

And like also runnign a business and

planning a tour and all of it. At least

they let us keep our phones

Must be hard being successful

I’m crying for you

I didn’t know you could still produce tears

I squeeze em out

Like milking a cow

Just need the right suction

Stop talking to me

What can you say that you won’t get sued for

I want drama

Who’s fisting who

Ha monet wishes she was fisting someone

Shes like middle school crushing on a queen here

Its kinda cute and sad

If love isn’t pathetic i don’t want it

And there’s last seasons whole thing

#branjie

sell those hats

That is not about hats

I saw them at a show in LA last summer

They’re fucked up in love, mama

IN LOVE???

Who even are you

I’m a person who has eyes

that can see things

Are they not together? They’re togther right?

NOPE

Are you fucking kidding

I don’t believe it

Since when are you this romantic

I’m not romantic

I have no romance in my bones

It’s just OBVIOUS

Well not to them

SO

Ahhhh the gays

When will we figure our shit out

Realize what’s right in front of us

You gone?

Yeah sorry

Going to pass out

Don’t die or anything

Whiel i’m gone

Aren’t you sweet

Conversation with:

sure thing

Doing anything fun tonight?

Or just missing me

Babe?

Ok sorry filming again

Call you on break

Do not let me do this again

I don’t care what they offer me

(id o care what they offer me)

Breaks over talk to you after?

How was your day?

Call me if you want

I’m done for the night

Just getting white girl wasted alone

In my hotel room

At the mini bar yes i’m that famous now

I’m gonna crash call me if you get this

Love u

Conversation with:

swamp thing

I dreamt that i was in a bsatroom

At mcdonalds that one you puked in

After the show in philadelphia

Do you remember? Probably not

And you were there and fucking

Gordon ramsay was there (!!!)

And he wad hitting on you

And i wasd so pissed off

And thrn this lady came in and was like

‘You can’t be in here, this is for ronald only” And i fully shot her with a GUN

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN TRACY

I just woke up and feel like a monster

She was just doing her job

Ronald mcdonald needs his private shitter

And i just killed her

I killed a living dream person

Thank you for sharing this with me

I feel so close to you right now

Yeah i don’t confess dream murder

to just ayone

But WHAT DOES IT MEAN???

Latent Ronald mcdonald fetish

Clearly

I’m not a doctor or anythng

But i’m sorry you’re dying

Yep yep makes sense

I always knew it would end like this

fuck/marry/kill

me/gordan ramsay/ronald mcD

(you wanna know what the D stands for)

No i want to sleep

For 3 more hours

But i’m on reality tv again

You should havw stopped me

Maybe this dream was a warning!

I’m supposed to save you

From endng up on Chopped

What did you dream about?

U have to tell me even if it’s sexy

That’s the law

Another teeth falling out one

Mama you know that’s my kink

Conversation with:

sure thing

Good morning sexy thing

I’m so tiiiiiired

Don’t make me get up yet

Hey are u alive?

Yes

Yay u r alive!

I called u yesterday night

And at lunch

U ok?

Did u get my messages?

yes

Ok

Can i call you?

I miss your voice

I cant talk right now

Sorry

Ok

I’ll call you tonight

After filming?

Sure

Love u gorgeous

Hey just called left a message

Give me a shout later

I miss you

Brian

Have you seen the pics

from the MTV Movie Awards?

Ummm ok

No i’ll look them up

Ok

Fuck my lashes are so uneven

U breaking up with me over lashes

Lol

U and kat are pretty cuddly

Haha

are u being serious

Ur joking

Are u ok? Can i call u?

I’m out right now

Call you when i get home

Ok

But we’ve talked about this before right

U know we’re friends

Me and Kat

We’re just friends

U know this

Yeah i have lots of friends

And we don’t hold hands and kiss eachother

All the fucking time

So we’re fdoing this over text?

Is that what we’re doing

No i’ll call u later

Call me ok? I love u

U cannot be jealous of katya

She’s my Business Partner

And it’s DRAG

We touch each otehr all the time

We all do

Gotta go call u later

Conversation with:

swamp thing

Can we talk?

Not if ur busy

Let me just stop blowing this senator

And kick the clowns out

And get thes handcuffs off

No i’m not worth it

Keep these good things goin

It was winding down anyway

Gettin awkward

I have yoga tomorrow

Whats up pussycat

This is gonna sound really weird

Have you seen the pics of us

from the movie awwrds

Probably blocked them out

why????

am i like a troll

No more than usual

David texted me about them

And he’s all pissed off??

Because of us holding hands

Like so so stupid right

WHAT???!

Thats crazy!

Im so sorry

This isn’t the handmaids tale

He can calm his tits

(sorry, not to attack him just) Has he seen our shows??

What did you tell him

To fucking call me!!!

And he hasn’t

And i’m on this stupid set and can’t just go

See him and convince him how crazy he is

I’m so sorry

Do you want me to call him

I’ll call him

Tell me what to say

No don’t

Don’t worry

Its fine

I’ll talk to him

Conversation with:

swamp thing

Hey are you awake

If youre awake call me

david and I are done

over the phone

FUN

sorry you’re clearly asleep

I’m just a little drunk

brian

he said some things

that ive been thinking about

maybe call me tomorrow if u can

guess ill see you soon anyway

dont die while im gone

miss u

[leviathiane]

SHOW US YOUR WROR RAW UNPROCESSED WHOLE GRAIN ORGANIC NOTES

this is going to be a long-ass post i am so sorry to Everyone! i take a lot of notes.

So, as You specifically know (as well as all of my lovely Soggers) I take a LOT of notes. Obsessively. I write fucking everything bc i have very little memory and very much paranoia. This results in literal Piles of notes. Raw planning, on paper, on my phone– doodles of scenes im brainstorming, bulletpoints, entire SCRIPTS– it’s all there but scattered (I’ve got scenes planned in the margins of my goddamn anthropology notes and deciphering it was a NIGHTMARE) 

I won’t even upload all the photos of my writing notebook, because itd be like 50 pages of illegible nonesense. but heres a couple of planning phase pages. (may be hard to read, I dropped this notebook both into some tidepools, into a creek on campus, and accidentally leaked my waterbottle onto it in my backpack :/) 

if you can’t tell already, yes they all look exactly like this. Some are even more illegible, because I wrote them with the notebook half under my actual class notes. Because i wrote most of them in class. During lectures. And pretending very badly that i was not doing exactly that. (pay attention in class please i got away with this bc i was filling up elective units) 

I’m also flat out MISSING a large portion of my notes bc some of it? isnt even in the damn notebook. its on a sheet of binder paper, or on the empty back of an assignment. I’ve now lost most of those notes, but the ones i do still have are just as (even more, actually) indecipherable chicken scratch: 

Wow, how clean and tidy and easy to follow! i am in hell. 

and this doesnt mention the PAGES and PAGES of outlines that are on my laptop, and the pages of outlined scenes that are on the notes app of my phone. if i put them all, you would have entire chapter spoilers up to the very end of the story so i cant post a lot of them– and also theres just a goddamn lot of them. currently i have 16 pages of outlining. There are no spacing breaks. It is a solid 16 page block of text. Looking at it gives me a migraine. 

some assorted notes which i have dredged up from the deleted parts of the main draft google doc go all the way back to when i started Wror in June and they are Barely more readable than my handwriting on sheer account of: articulation is not my strength. These include: 

“Ch 8 plan: sabo gets trained specially, awakens his armament haki, beats ace in a bunch of spars and proves himself to be anything but vulnerable. The boys are like “we fucking recognize that technique ryu taught you before us!!” and goad ryu into finally starting them both on basic haki training, just to awaken it, since sabo already has. Also this is the chapter that ace finally confronts ryu for his devil fruit after ryu confirms that some devil fruit users can’t be hurt without haki and ace immediately catches onto that and tries to slam his pipe through ryus head. It doesn’t work, ryu catches the weapon with a haki covered hand, to avoid turning to flame with hit and ace just gets frustrated and accuses ryu of hiding his devil fruit, because he remembers what he saw in grey terminal and that now that he has seen haki he can distinguish it from what he saw and he’s sure no one could do what ryu did. He calls ryu a hypocrite for coddling them even after telling them to stop coddling sabo and ryu has to sit them down and explain that yes he does have powers and he has been hdiing it and explains his reasoning. However instead of understanding th eboys just get fired up and say they don’t wnt to be scared of fire, especially not when it means ryu isn’t taking them seriously in a spar. Ryu finally agrees to start them on desensitization training for fire trauma. Fire desensitization training happens on the beach, so that they have water nearby in case things get out of hand. At some point ace gives ryu a considering look and is just like “if you have a devil fruit that means you can’t swim either right?” and ryu is basically just like “lmao yeah” and then ace immediately attempts to drown him. Lots of murder attempts in ace’s department toget his older brother to be less of an idiot with little success lol(extra: ace tried to attack ryu earlier both to confirm that ryu has a devil fruit that would force him to use haki to hide it, and because he now knows that he CAN’T hurt ryu without haki and as thus can’t beat him and make him admit he’s awake without being good at haki.)” [chapter 8] 

“Small sabo lost his hat and goggles in the incident and while he doesn’t remember having them future sabo notices he looks uncomfortable and keeps touching his hair and head. Ace yells at him for it thinking he bandaging are bothering him and that he can’t touch them but little sabo just comments that something about it feels wrong. Luffy blurts our that he had a hat, like luffy does, But he doesn’t now ace begrudgingly mentions that they can’t get a new one in town. Future sabo doesn’t even hesitate and just plops his own hat onto his younger selves head. It clearly too big for him, and almost falls over his eyes but he grins up at future sabo and is like “wow!! Thank you! I’ll take care of it till I have one of my own” and creates a paradox like Luffys own hat. The footsteps younger sabo has yet to fill. This HAS to happen AFTER the talk where they explain that future and past sabo are both the same person, to give little sabo that pressure.” [chapter 9]

“(Right after this older sabo takes them down to the ocean so that they can play a little and desensitize themselves and immediately fucks himself over when he goes weak in the water bc he somehow fucking forgot his own devil fruit again and now even younger sabo is on his case about not letting him near the fucking ocean that little goddamn HYPOCRITE—) )” [for chapter 9]

“Ch 9 plan: they finally leave dawn island. Starts with the boys getting a haircut after training and luffy mentions how long it’s been since they’ve last needed a haircut, giving sabo and ace time to point out that it’s been 2 months now since ryu joined them, and that sabo was completely healed by now. The boys are now aware of the basics of haki, and while luffy hasnt awakened either yet ace and sabo both have a little bit of weak armament haki. (sabo won’t awaken observational haki until he gets his memories back) ryu tries to sneak off into the city to steal a boat but his brothers refuse to leave him behind and keep sneaking out after him, not wanting him to go alone and saying that since he’s been training them they’re clearly stronger and he needs to let them do this. Ryu eventually just lets it go because why the fuck not it’s a dream and they make him feel better. They get the boat out on open ocean and finally fucking sail out, cheering loudly, ryu struggling to make them all calm down but also not really trying. He’s happy as shit, and they’re all so excited and happy and sabo dips a hand into the waves and then smiles so fucking wide and tackles ryu so violently they both nearly tip into the water and it’s just very very good. “ [also for ch 9] 

** I flat out dont Have any outlining from before chapter 6, because i only started actually outling chapters after that. i tend to just sit down and Write up until i hit a plot point or writers block and then am forced to actually think it through and plan rather than letting it come naturally. thats also why the quality and editing is better in later chapters despite everything being written within the same time frame. 

besides entire chapter outlines, there are the scene specific phone notes like:

“(ADDED) Right after they leave dawn, when sabo is sure they’ve gotten enough of a head start, he calls Garp. He doesn’t say who he is, but that all of the boys are safe and happy with him and has them all talk into the phone to assure him that they’re fine. Garp is honestly just pissed off he doesn’t know who’s calling and when he asks sabo just laughs and says a disobedient brat before hanging up. “

“(ADDED) TO EXPAND ON CH 3: sabo gets offered the chance to go with dragon, and he hesitates on the offer to go through with his previous life with the family he’s made in the revolutionary again. He almost agrees, because the bought of losing them in this lifetime is near excruciating but reminds himself swiftly that it’s no place for his brothers and not what they’d really want, and he wants selfishly to be with them as long as he Can until he “inevitably” wakes up. The boys are visibly relieved by this, especially ace. (Sabo gets asked who he is by dragon, who wants to know more about the stranger with his son, but dragon has always been quicker to make connections no one guessed and he just smiled knowingly at sabo and tells him he’s sure the other will have no trouble finding them if he’s in need. Sabo in turn warns him to keep Kuma close, and to look for a slave girl named koala.)”

I have…. many of these. I have Many of Everything. 

finally, i have scene doodles. if i hit a bad writers block it usually helps me to sketch scenes or the character designs to regain my grip on what the hell is happening in the plot– Breach of Intention has character design sketches, pakcbond has MANY scene sketches, even some of my nsfw has some sketches. my wror skecthes arent Good of course, I am an art teacher for children and that means i am more often explaining the color wheel and brush techniques over drawing perfect human replicas– and i just dont really make a lot of fanart? ive never drawn sabo before but i sure have a bunch now. i wont include close ups because they genuinely suck but heres an example pic 

So… yeah thats about everything. this is a VERY long post and yet i only included like maybe ¼ or 1/5 of all the notes i have dbskhjgfkjadns lmk if anyone wants more (or notes for my Other stories, which contain NO WHERE the same absurd amount of shit that wror does.)

[liugeaux]

Linkin Park - Albums Ranked

I’ve written about Linkin Park before. It was following the death of Chester Bennington and mostly covered my mixed emotions about death. I’ve never really talked about how much I truly love the band’s work. Its been over 2 years since Chester passed and I think I‘m finally ready to dive back into the LP catalog whole-hog. As a young 17-year-old when Hybrid Theory came out  I was the right age to fall in love with everything LP was doing. Their first two albums, the unreleased debut EP and the remix collection Reanimated were permanent fixtures in my CD case. It was a time of angry white guy music and LP were literally the best at the craft.  

I’ve followed them VERY closely ever since and have always had strong opinions about each one of their albums. It's finally time to sit down, seriously critique each one and give my definitive ranking of LP’s LPs. For this list, we won’t include the aforementioned EP or any remix albums or live releases. I also won’t be including any of the many LP Underground CDs. As fun as those releases are, there are only 7 albums that actually matter. Here they are ranked from 7 to 1.    

#7 - The Hunting Party

After a couple of experimental albums, 2014′s The Hunting Party was seen as Linkin Park’s conscious effort to make a heavier, more metal record. While technically they succeeded, the results were mixed at best. Much of the metal feels forced and sometimes awkward. The lead single “Guilty All the Same” stands alone as the worst lead single in the band’s catalog. Not to say its all bad, “All For Nothing” is a legit classic and an example of LP’s strength as a “metal” act. Ultimately, It’s a gutsy album that falls flat more often than not.  

#6 - Living Things

Back when Living Things was released I wanted to like it so badly. The lead single “Burn It Down” was reminiscent of the LP sound of earlier albums and “Lost in the Echo” really resonated with me. However, they had not shed the more experimental ideas adopted on their previous album. The result was a half-hearted experiment that couldn’t seem to commit to a direction. If you were to tell me Living Things is a collection of trashed B-sides from the previous 2 albums, I would completely believe you. Even when I revisit the album I’m left with a feeling of disappointment because it could have been so good.  

#5 - One More Light

One More Light gets a bad wrap. Is it a pop album? Yes. Does that bother me? No! Should it bother you? Absolutely not! After The Hunting Party, this is exactly the album Linkin Park needed. It’s their most emotional work since Minutes to Midnight and track to track the album is immensely therapeutic. Despite most of the lyrics being your typical sad LP affair, there’s an underlying joy to the whole project. Like the band finally felt unburdened by their reputation and was making the music they wanted to make. "Sorry For Now” even sees Shinoda and Bennington pseudo swapping the rapper/singer roles. It’s really the first album where Shinoda’s singing feels natural. I’m not saying I wanted to see a new career direction, with LP making pop albums for a decade, but for that moment in time and taking into consideration the devastating events following its release, One More Light might be the perfect album.  

#4 - A Thousand Suns

A Thousand Suns was LP’s first big shake-up of the established formula. The standard Rap/Rock ingredients are technically there, but it’s wrapped in a sonic chaos of future-like abience and anchored by samples from speeches by notable historical figures like J. Robert Oppenheimer and Martin Luther King Jr. It’s a concept album that aggressively strays from anything you’ve ever heard before. To this day I’ve never heard a band steal the style and sound of A Thousand Suns, and while the rest of the LP library can be reductively placed in a “tracks that sound like the 00′s” box, A Thousand Suns stands as evidence that the band is more talented and interesting than you think. This is LP’s Ziggy Stardust, 2112, or American Idiot. It may not be their best album, but it’s absolutely their coolest. Oh, and “Waiting for the End” slaps harder than any other song in their catalog.

#3 - Meteora

Meteora had the difficult task of following up one of the most successful and influential rock albums of the new century and for the most part, it did a wonderful job of maintaining the established sound of Hybrid Theory while stretching its legs in relatively predictable directions. “Faint”, “Lying From You”, “Figure 9″ and “Numb” remain some of my favorite LP tracks. Meteora is the best representation of who LP was at the height of their reign. The sound is unmistakable and the songs are iconic. Any band would love to have an album as good as Meteora, and LP has at least 3 of them. If Hybrid Theory is the equivalent to the first time you’d ever eaten street tacos, Meteora is an entire buffet of Mexican cuisine. 

#2 - Hybrid Theory

I put more time into ranking numbers 2 and 3 than I’m willing to admit. Both of them completely took over my CD player when released and both had a large hand in shaping a portion of my emotional growth. Hybrid Theory was edgy, it was cool, it was smarter than its contemporaries and with its laser-sharp production, it commanded respect. Sure, was it angry white-dude music? Yes, but the anger and aggression came from points of weakness and believable vulnerability. I connected with Hybrid Theory so much, that 20 years later I find it hard to even speak critically of it. Its flaws are features, its signs of age help ground my own personal growth. Speaking on a personal level, Hybrid Theory MIGHT be my album of the decade. So to try and place it into the context of a ranked list is nearly impossible. Un-luckily Chester Bennington’s death helped lock in the top three of this list in ways I would have never predicted.  

#1 - Minutes to Midnight

By 2007 I was all-in, LP was MY band. When Minutes to Midnight was released I was first-in-line buying the ultra-special edition. Unfortunately at the time I just didn’t get. Like, I owned it, I just didn’t GET IT. Musically it was the next logical step in the evolution of the band and Rick Ross’ looser somewhat dirty production was a welcomed departure from the more polished Don Gilmore albums. However, for the first 10 years after its release, I thought of Minutes to Midnight as a bit of a disappointment. It’s probably 2 tracks too long, Shinoda’s singing was a bit off-putting and unlike its predecessors, it didn’t feel cohesive. Sure “What I’ve Done”, “Given Up” and “No More Sorrow” were and are some of the biggest and best anthems the band has ever recorded, Outside of that the album just felt hollow. 

In 2017 Chester Bennington ended his own life. At that point, my love for Linkin Park was still alive, but my interest in them had waned a bit. Chester’s death sent me into a music-hole like I had never experienced before. For weeks all I listened to was LP’s albums back to back. Chester’s words meant more than ever and out of that deep dive came an appreciation for Minute to Midnight I could never see coming. Songs like “Leave Out All the Rest”, “Shadow of the Day”, “Bleed it Out” and “The Little Things Give You Away” came to life with an emotional vibrancy I had never seen before. LP is at their best when they are swinging for the fences and Minutes to Midnight is them hitting grand slam after grand slam, with a few strikeouts sprinkled in. It’s flawed and beautiful, and that’s kinda the point. It’s LP’s most personal and human album, and that’s why it's at the top of this list. Prior to my 2017 revelation, it might have hovered somewhere between #’s 2 and 4, but in 2020 Minutes to Midnight is #1 with a bullet. 

[sieben9]

hiiii i have a question that you definitely don't have to answer!! But i noticed you signed up for rumbelle big bang and i was just wondering if english is your first language?? And if not, what advice would you give someone who would like to write fanfics in english but it's not their first language? Do you know how to find a good beta or something? thanks!

Hey there! Nope, English isvery definitely not my first language. (Technically, it’s my fourth.) I’m notsure if I can nail down any useful advice from my mess of a process, but I’lltry.

I decided to group this intothree categories: before writing, during writing, and after writing, and thenthis got a lot longer than I thought it would. So please read on under the cut:

Before

Read a lot of English prose.Chances are, you’re doing that already, because a lot of fanfic is inEnglish, but it felt worth mentioning. This way, you’ll gain a “feel” for thenatural patterns of the language, which are otherwise really hard to teach.

Maybe read up on some grammar.Not to memorise the rules, but again, this will help you keep the patterns ofthe language in mind. (For example, I should really read up on Englishpunctuation, because I use about twelve times as many commas.

Now, your next decision is a big one: do you want to pre-write this fic in your native language or do you write it in English from the get-go?

Personally, I’m firmly in the second camp, because… well, mostly because it comes more naturally (and translating is hard work), but there’s definitely something to be said for the other option. You can view this as a zero-th draft, if you like. Get down all the important stuff, then don’t really translate that story, but rather re-write it in English. That’s potentially a bit of extra work, but it may also save you a lot of grief. Just… do whatever sounds better to you. I just wanted to mention that you have options.

There’s also a weird littletrick (that dermatologists hate… sorry, had to) that I learned from a writingpodcast that you might want to try: Before you start on your own prose, grab abook (or fic) with a similar “tone” as the thing you want to write and justre-key a few paragraphs/pages (whatever feels right). It’s important that youactually type out the words, not just read them. I don’t know how itworks, exactly, but it does something to my brain that always helps me get intothe “zone” much faster than I do normally.

During

First of all: ALLOWYOURSELF TO WRITE IT BADLY!I’m sorry about the shouting, but this is so, so important. In writing ingeneral, but even moreso if you’re writing in something other than your nativelanguage. You have to juggle the whole entire mess of plot, dialogue, charactervoices, motivations, setting, etc. etc. and navigate all of that around a languagebarrier. That is, frankly, a ridiculous amount of work, and there is noneed to do it all at once. You’ll probably have to do a language pass, anyway,so don’t agonise too much about your style in the first draft.

Next: [BRACKETS]

Examples:

“As they made their way backto the house, she noticed a [SCHLEIEREULE] gliding silently across the nightsky.”

“Outside,[IRGENDWAS DARÜBER, WIE DER REGEN GEGEN DIE FENSTERSCHEIBE PRASSELT]”

Yes, these are both actualexamples from my writing. Don’t judge me.

Basically, the brackets makeit easier to keep up the writing flow, and they become doubly important whenthe language itself is something that will trip you up often.

Lastly, and I might get yelled at for this: if a word doesn’t feel right, and you can’t say why, maybe go to a thesaurus site and just… have a look around. With a bit of luck, you’ll find the word you actually want to use. As always with these things, use in moderation, and don’t replace a “simple” word with a more outlandish one just for the sake of replacing it. Simple words are great!

After

I really think the most important part of this is finding people who will check your writing and use of language. You can only do so much by yourself without getting a second opinion, because you’ll always be limited by your own understanding of the language.

Unfortunately, I haven’t hadthe guts to find a beta for myself, yet (though I really, really should), so I can’tgive you any practical advice for this part. If you have any native English speakers amongyour writing friends, you could maybe ask them, even if they’re not in your fandom.What you need is a language pass, not a content edit, after all. Other thanthat, I can imagine that a request for help in the rumbelle fic tag might yieldresults. (If someone knows something here, please chime in, I’m terribleat approaching people!)

Last of all, and this isimportant: don’t drive yourself nuts over this. If you’ve done all of theabove, but the fic still feels kind of “off” to you? Post it anyway. People aremuch more forgiving of small slip-ups than you might think, and your next onewill probably be better, anyway.

Whew, OK, that got a lotlonger than I expected. I hope something in there is helpful for you!

EDIT: I am also sometimes a bit of a dunce, which is why I didn’t remember this earlier… there are a bunch of non-native English speakers in the fandom who’ve written a lot more than I have! (@thatvermilionflycatcher and @sarashouldbestudying immediately come to mind, but I know for a fact that there are quite a lot more than that) Try asking them, too, they may have better adivce.

[verdigrisprowl]

May 14 Dancitron Movie Night - Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Prowl was warned ahead of time by Soundwave that there was going to be constant organic shadowplay in this movie. And after the fight against Unicron was immediately followed by a wave of movie nights with mind control, bugs crawling into heads, forced gestalt minds, needles in heads... Prowl decided he didn’t feel up to more makeshift exposure therapy tonight.

So he didn’t show up.

ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave quickly finishes nibbling his piece of the gummi dancing chestburster's tail and slams his visor down. Time for movie night - and a seat.* Specs ((bless)) Smokescreen This message has been removed. This message has been removed. ItsyBitsySpyers ((i'm gonna start at 8:25 so if y'all want snacks or whatever, get them)) Prowl *arrives* Specs ((awright)) ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave pings Prowl hello.*

[[Good evening.]] Prowl *pings back*

Hello, Soundwave. Specs *here comes a dragon! she looks exhausted, but she's brought the energon goodies as always.* Hello, Soundwave! ItsyBitsySpyers *She's to be greeted with cushions, bugs - this time, Buzzsaw tried to fancy them up a bit by cutting off bits of random plants as a garnish, based on what he saw on Earth cooking shows - and Soundwave's feelers helping her move the goodies to the counter.* Specs *bless this Soundwave. what a friend.* Oh! Thank you, Soundwave, Buzzsaw. Thank you! *she doesn't even get a full dragonloaf this time, it's more like a dragonbaguette* ItsyBitsySpyers ((*does the skeletor NYEH and laughs into her hands*)) [[Quite welcome. Still experiencing the aligned planets...?]] *She looks as tired as him.* Specs No, thankfully. Concursion only lasts a week. A bonded triad got lost out in one of the less-inhabited areas. Part of my job, as it were, is to make sure search parties passing through my area get fed and rested, so it was a busy week. At least they were found before they starved. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Do you require search assistance?]] ((wb)) Smokescreen Tonight's a Star War trek night, right sounds? //asbncv thanks ItsyBitsySpyers [[It is.]] ItsyBitsySpyers ((well, looks like a quiet night tonight. we're gonna get rolling)) Specs *the dragon blinks. she wasn't expecting to hear THAT!* Not this time, but... *pauses to lick her paw and smooth out the fur around her face* But if your offer stands for the next time, it would be appreciated. Smokescreen /He's going to go ahead and take his usual spot! He brought a few snacks to share- or just eat, himself/ ItsyBitsySpyers *Ah. Preserving her dignity, felinoid style? Or just dirty?*

[[He can allow it to stand.]] ((SHIT WAIT i forgot warnings uh where' smy file)) ((WARNINGS: Often nonconsensual invasive telepathy, passing ableist comment, Bones being species-ist, "nudity", flashing lights, birthing scene, shaky camera, monotheistic focus. Not to mention that the movie is just plain BAD. Badly written, badly filmed, badly edited. Hands down the worst of all six original Trek films. I'm so sorry for making you all sit through it.)) Specs *Yes.* You have my thanks, Soundwave. *she is really grateful! just also very tired and not making the words go.* ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave sends Prowl the name of the film and where to find the audio description file* *He still hasn't figured out what her alternate did.* Prowl *notices something off about the energy signatures in the room* My alternate isn't here tonight? ItsyBitsySpyers [[No. Not yet.]] *And that's probably for the best.* Omicron *Ice Queen pokes her head in, late, looking around* Me ((can we assume he was warned ahead of time? since that would be the reason for him not to show.)) ItsyBitsySpyers ((we can)) Smokescreen ... Huh, he isn't? I didn't look that way yet. Me ((o7)) ItsyBitsySpyers [[He's not. Police work doesn't always obey the hours we set for ourselves.]] Smokescreen Yeah- yeah, that's fair. Still, sucks to have to work when he usually gets to relax, right? But I guess every Cybertron's been pretty busy! ItsyBitsySpyers [[Naturally. And... yes. Yes, some of them have.]] Omicron ...? *the big predacon carefully sits in the bakc.... sneaks a lick on smokey as she passes* ItsyBitsySpyers *Without so much as fidgeting, let alone turning to look:* [[Greetings.]] Prowl Ah, all right then. Thank you for the audio description, Soundwave. *frowns* Smokescreen I don't know if mine's busier, or if I'm just taking on way too much work. Omicron hello Specs *the smol fluff chirps at the sound of Icy Claws, but doesn't get up- she's TIRED.* Omicron ....? *looks for the chirper? where is the fluffy?* Me ((i appreciate that they feel the need to specify "Yosemite National Park, Planet Earth." It implies that the audience might not necessarily know what planet Yosemite is on. Good immersion there.)) Specs *the fluffy is on all these nice cushions Soundwave has brought out for her. she is a cozy fluff.* Omicron *Ice Queen eyes the spot, debating if there's room to rest her head by the tiny friend* ItsyBitsySpyers [[Perhaps you could tell him what you have been up to, and then he would know whether you're doing too much.]] *Soundwave tilts his head to one side.* [[...Should he not have provided that?]] *Why is she frowning?* ((and agreed on the immersion point)) Specs ((bones is perfect)) *the fluffy dragon can move, or be moved, if Icy needs. she's just tired.* Omicron ((he is, human ratchet but not--PFFFFFTTT)) ItsyBitsySpyers ((when we get to the campfire scene remind me to tell you all a thing)) Specs ((Are they actually playing pool in a wet pool table)) ItsyBitsySpyers ((they are)) Omicron *watch big dragon steath herself over to rest her big head by fluffy dragon. broken horn makes it easier to sit by the cushions* Prowl Hm? Oh, no, no, you should have. That is... I appreciate that you did, but the Captain has been sharing his visual feeds with me. I'd been enjoying the opportunity. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Oh. Do... Should he provide one?]] *Pause.* [["Captain"?]] Smokescreen ... What exactly WAS that noise and how'd they make it Prowl The belch? Smokescreen Yeah, that I heard 'em before, but how exactly are they made? Prowl Are you able to? I didn't think to ask. Specs *the dragon gives Icy a sleepy lick on the horn. there. it is clean.* ItsyBitsySpyers [[...You ARE in HIS home.]] Omicron gas, not unlike how we, some predacons can produce fireballs Prowl A Klingon explained it to me as gas coming up from the tank, er, stomach. Smokescreen Gas? ... Wait, do their stomachs just make gas somehow? Like- is it some kinda weird food conversion thing? Prowl Yes, your home. Which is precisely why I didn't ask. To my knowledge, Soundwave, you don't trust me. ItsyBitsySpyers [[He doesn't.]] *Blunt, isn't he?* [[But you are a guest. And he is a host.]] Prowl I don't know that much about Klingon anatomy. ItsyBitsySpyers *Ping. She can have a feed from one of the overhead cameras... which he'll be removing from access to any greater part of the network, and later, completely digging out.* Prowl *appreciates the honesty* *pings a thank you* Me ((those dorks)) Specs ((DORKS)) Smokescreen These are advanced beans Prowl ((yesss best scene ItsyBitsySpyers [[Ah. The musical fruit. He has heard of this plant as an instrument.]] Smokescreen I wanna go camping like this ... wait this plant's an instrument? Also wait... Wait sounds I have a vegetable band to show you later ItsyBitsySpyers [[Apparently. Dried, they can be put in a hollow object and shaken.]] Prowl A simple but effective instrument. Smokescreen That sounds pretty fun- humans are pretty creative! Me ((wow way to make it dark kirk)) Omicron ((on phone, Icy's dosing <.<) ItsyBitsySpyers (( ;n; )) ((kk) Smokescreen Oh! I figured out energon marshmallows recently- they're not bad! But you can't toast 'em ItsyBitsySpyers ((SO FUN FACT in the novelization they expand on this "marsh melon" mistake of spock's and bones jokingly goes on and on about how his family member had a whole farm of marsh melons)) Me ((omg)) Specs ((HAHAHAHA)) Smokescreen ((pfpfff ItsyBitsySpyers [[He should say not. How many explosions did you go through to figure that out?]] Prowl Marsh melons. Smokescreen None! I'm not that dumb. ... Maybe once. ItsyBitsySpyers *Tiny trembling.* Smokescreen Life is but a dream sounds kinda poetic! Prowl *huffs in amusement at Spock* ItsyBitsySpyers [[...Is the satellite screaming.]] Prowl ...I think it did. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Life is more often a nightmare, if you ask him.]] Prowl Indeed. ItsyBitsySpyers *At least as of late.* Smokescreen ... Really Sounds? Are you okay? ItsyBitsySpyers [[Oh, yes. Quite fine, thank you. Merely thinking about the war.]] *Lies, lies, everywhere lies.* Smokescreen ... Is it about the Unicron thing? Blaster -wanders in, looking a bit tired- ItsyBitsySpyers [[The destruction of the Hall of Records.]] Smokescreen Oh. Oh yeah- I can agree with you on that. Blaster -sits in empty seat, and waves at Soundwave- ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave bobs his helm.* [[Good evening.]] [[Now is not the time for such jokes, doctor.]] Blaster Hello,...what did I miss? ItsyBitsySpyers [[A revolutionary Vulcan has seized control of a small outpost, captured three ambassadors, and demanded a Federation starship for unknown reasons.]] Smokescreen ... Maybe if it helps, Sounds, there were a lot of things we recovered from the Hall of Records in my universe. Maybe there's a few other things that survived in yours? ItsyBitsySpyers [[Hm?]] *Oh, right. His fib.* [[Yes. We've been recovering some... ancient files.]] Blaster Oh. Okay. -understands only half of what was said- Smokescreen Really? What kinda stuff? Did you find the covenant or something? Or maybe something else? I guess I shouldn't be surprised that that stuff upset you, too. ItsyBitsySpyers [[He hasn't found the covenant. You need not fly into a panic about whether or not he's worthy of possessing it.]] *Yet.* Smokescreen ... Why would I be panicked about that? You probably are worthy of it. ItsyBitsySpyers [[...Pardon. He must reset his audio receptors.]] *Because he didn't just hear that.* [[Say again?]] Smokescreen I mean, using the past to make the future better? I bet you'd do that, and I bet you'd try to record everything going on in there- you have a lot of data you could add that isn't in there, too. I would figure that'd be the kind of thing Alpha Trion would want. You'd probably never let it go if you got a hold of it, right? Specs ((HAH)) ItsyBitsySpyers *Amused huff at the screen.* Prowl Clever. ((this talk of the covenant reminds me, you owe me on our thread, smokey, didn't he bring the covenant to show prowl? Smokescreen //AAAA yeah lemme find that thread asdxc Prowl ((it was right before the unicron plot took off, no worries <3 ItsyBitsySpyers [[...He wouldn't want to, no. But if - er. Certain parties, demanded he let it go, he would - consider the circumstances. Otherwise, no. He would guard it like little else.]] *Basically if Primus strode up to him and said "burn it" he would have a crisis but probably obey. Otherwise? Nah.* Smokescreen And you're a strong bot, you'd be able to protect it pretty well! I'm pretty sure if Alpha Trion talked to you, like, at all, he would've put you in his will. You think you'll ever find your covenant? ItsyBitsySpyers [[...Why are you flattering him. What is it you need.]] Smokescreen ... I mean, I'm glad you kept Unicron from destroying my home, but that's honestly how I feel. ItsyBitsySpyers *Now outright staring at Smokescreen instead of the movie screen.* [[He does not understand.]] Prowl *would be staring herself if she could, this seems... strange* Smokescreen ... What's so hard to understand, exactly? You probably know practically everything about Cybertron where the Covenant cuts off. You'd be a great fit for writing down modern Cybertronian history, I bet. ItsyBitsySpyers *Something's wrong. This isn't Smokescreen. Or he's somehow lapsed into recharge mid-movie and this is an exhaustion dream. They had a whole argument about how he wasn't worthy. And Smokescreen's been hiding his copy from him for months. None of this is right.* Smokescreen ((wait they did ItsyBitsySpyers ((some while back iirc)) Smokescreen ((i remember sounds and primus but ItsyBitsySpyers ((smokescreen started it i think)) Smokescreen ((adsxvcbn he would ItsyBitsySpyers [[...He does know a great deal.]] *But not as much as some relics sitting here listening to the movies.* [[But he doubts that alone makes him worthy. If it did, he would have it.]] [[Or know where to look. And he does not.]] Smokescreen I mean, just 'cause you find it doesn't mean you're worthy, and vice versa. Is there any rubble in Iacon? Maybe it's hidden around there. ItsyBitsySpyers *If a sharp buzz could be a nasty laugh...* [[Iacon is still MOSTLY rubble.]] Smokescreen Well! There's lots of places where it could be, then. And I'll bet it'll pop up when it's needed most. That's how it works most of the time. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Then, as he said, it isn't time, as it hasn't popped up.]] Smokescreen Has anyone been around the area recently? It's not gonna pop up if no one goes there. ItsyBitsySpyers [[He often goes to the Hall of Records to inspect their new findings and recoveries.]] [[...They ARE in the brig.]] Smokescreen Huh. Maybe you pissed off Alpha Trion or something. He wasn't big on Megatron, maybe he thought you were in league with him and would alway be. Prowl It's likely unneeded at this point. We are managing quite well without the need for relics. ItsyBitsySpyers *(Barely) refrains from asking why she's still there, then.* Prowl *rude* Smokescreen ... Fair enough. But with the covenant and Sounds, he could teach an AWESOME history course. ItsyBitsySpyers [[He'll teach nothing. He's dead.]] Smokescreen I'm talking about you Prowl *huffs* Blaster -has probably fallen asleep where he's sitting- Prowl Why Soundwave? Smokescreen ... /He's putting a small cube of energon on top of Blaster./ Blaster -no movement- Smokescreen 'Cause he's old and was awake for most of the war- and has a pretty good memory! Specs *the dragon, too, is out like a light.* Prowl He is not the only Cybertronian alive during the war. Smokescreen ... /Putting another cube on blaster./ Omicron *Icy stirs, yawning wide* ItsyBitsySpyers ((there are some great editing errors here. watch the deck number progression in a little bit)) Blaster -still hasn't moved- Smokescreen But- Sounds, do you have a lot of the war recorded? Omicron ((I see a blaster, hiii!)) ItsyBitsySpyers [[He does.]] Smokescreen Exactly! Blaster ((hiiiii Prowl As do I. Smokescreen ... Do you wanna teach history, Prowl? Shocky *Shockwave enters, somewhat distracted looking and quickly takes a seat* Prowl Not at the moment. Smokescreen !! /Waving at Shockwave!/ Omicron ((and hi to others! don't mind icy sprawled on the ground. the predacon can be a good couch at least)) ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave bobs his head at Shockwave* Smokescreen Well- I figure Soundwave might be more interested. Shocky *He nods back in acknowledgement, giving a slight wave to Smokescreen back* Omicron *The predacon humms, head resting inner optics covers over.* Prowl Do you want to be a teacher, Soundwave? ItsyBitsySpyers [[He has some interest in educating others.]] *Not necessarily as a teacher, but...* Specs *the dragon makes a sleepy purr-chirp, getting Real Long and resting her tail on Icy* Shocky ((I won't be here for long, just saying hi really)) ItsyBitsySpyers ((the pop-in is appreciated!)) Smokescreen Yeah! I bet Sounds would be pretty awesome at teaching other bots. He's helped me with math before. Prowl Has he? Smokescreen Yeah! He sent me a bunch of documents, since I kinda missed out because of... You know. The war and stuff. Omicron *has a fluffy tail on her muzzle, happy predacon* Prowl But what about before the war? Surely you were educated during the Golden Age. Smokescreen I really didn't get that much math education. And my processor, uh- it kinda has trouble with this one part of math in particular. Prowl What part? ItsyBitsySpyers *This seems so familiar. It's a very, VERY good thing "the Captain" isn't here, yes. Yes, indeed.* Smokescreen ... Do we gotta talk about it out loud like this? Prowl Not at all. Smokescreen @Prowl: ::I can't do decimals or percentages or slag like that at all- I can't process 'em without having to write it out.:: Shocky *he has just now zoned in to the conversation* Nothing to be concerned over. Mathematics has been an age long struggle to many Smokescreen But I want to be able to get it! It's- wait are they showing THAT Prowl @Smokescreen: [[Ah. And Soundwave helped?]] ItsyBitsySpyers *Alarmed.* [[Is the spawn injured? It bleeds.]] Shocky A normal thing for organic emergence. Specs *sleepily* Blood keeps the babies alive, in eggs. There's always a little extra afterwards. Smokescreen @Prowl: ::Yeah! He gave me some documents so I could figure out how to do it manually. I still can't do it like- like how some other Cybertronians do, but I can do it, and that's a big step.:: ... Eggs? Shocky I do not believe they are formed in eggs Smokescreen Wait do humans lay eggs ItsyBitsySpyers *Not quite believing it, but if anyone knows, it's an organic - and a scientist who's probably pulled uncountable numbers of them apart* Shocky humans emerge live, or so extensive amount of evidence points towards Omicron eggs? Specs Dragons lay eggs. I dunno if humans do. Smokescreen Okay- but why do some organics lay eggs? Do vulcans lay eggs? Shocky apparently not Prowl There were no eggs in the flashback. Omicron I lay eggs? *puzzled waking up* Specs *the other dragon has fallen back asleep* Prowl I thought you were a Predacon? Shocky Such carelessness for their crew... But the pursuit of knowledge is admirable Omicron I am, but I can produce what are 'eggs' with the sparklings, hatchlings inside *Icy slowly stretches from the nap. curling her tail and flexing claws, might nudge some chairs sorry* Blaster -annnnnd wakes up to this- What just- -down go the cubes when he moves- ........... Prowl *startles at the clatter of the cubes falling* Smokescreen ... PFPffff ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave has a long, long vent. He had hoped that mess wouldn't happen. He wanted to go right to berth afterward, not mop...* Shocky *sharply looks at the source of the noise* Blaster ....how did those get there? Smokescreen I don't know! That's just what happens sometimes ItsyBitsySpyers *He wonders what it's like for other species, not knowing where their gods are located, if they actually exist.* Omicron *looks over, loosing the fluffy tail and curls her neck around to peer at mess?* Blaster I want to argue with that, but I'm just waking up. Smokescreen You need any help getting that cleaned up? Shocky I will extend my help to clean also. Prowl How can all organics have one god between them? They're not that alike are they? ItsyBitsySpyers [[They are not.]] Blaster I...think I might ItsyBitsySpyers [[He appreciates the cleaning work.]] Prowl *oh good, Prowl was going to volunteer Smokescreen clean it up, glad he volunteered himself* Smokescreen Well, yeah. I'd feel kinda bad leaving you to do it. Plus, it's free energon! ItsyBitsySpyers *...He still can't go recharge while they're there, but at least he won't have to put in the effort.* [[...Do NOT lick his floor.]] Smokescreen ... Oh. ItsyBitsySpyers [[If you are in need of refueling, there are PLENTY of refreshments atop the bar.]] Smokescreen Well, yeah, but someone else will drink that energon for sure. Prowl Don't lick the floor. Smokescreen There aren't that many bots brave enough to lick freshly spilled energon! And I'm just the type! Blaster Smokescreen No. Shocky ((I gotta go since i'm using phone data, but for this instance let us say shockwave stayed to help clean and make sure smokescreen didn't lick the floor)) Blaster ((kaaaay ItsyBitsySpyers ((gotcha! thank you for coming for what you could!)) Smokescreen ((pfff see you later! Blaster ((see you later! Smokescreen ... Where do you keep your towels, Sounds? Shocky ((Bye <3 )) Prowl Smokescreen, that's disgusting. You don't know what's on that floor. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Just behind the bar.]] Smokescreen Energon's on that floor. Prowl Besides the energon. *unimpressed frown* Blaster Smokescreen don't lick the floor ItsyBitsySpyers [[Ravage dragged a rusting titanium moose across that spot not six hours ago.]] [[Do you really want to lick it.]] Smokescreen ... Blaster ...oh...uh...can I get a towel too? Prowl Eugh. Smokescreen /He's just going ahead and getting the towels, and is starting to soak up the energon./ Blaster I have a feeling it got on Blaster too)) Omicron *shifts and her turn to screach, movies to bonk Smokey, and curl her tail around him to pull away from mess?* ItsyBitsySpyers [[Oh, don't "eugh". He was retrieving it for the hospital. They wanted to make sure it doesn't have plague of some sort.]] Prowl *don't tell Prowl you thought it had a plague, she will freak out, even if the floor was cleaned* ItsyBitsySpyers *Snaps back to the screen. Hold on. They found something?* Blaster !!!! Omicron ...???????? Prowl ...so there was someone there after all. Smokescreen /He's starting to put the towels on Blaster, as well!/ Blaster Uh...hi Smokey Smokescreen Hey Blaster! ItsyBitsySpyers [[A very good question.]] Prowl Why would their god--yes, thank you, Kirk. Omicron .......does that stink of something Bad Blaster Thanks for the towels? Prowl Yes you do. Omicron ...?! ItsyBitsySpyers *Suddenly uneasy shifting. Just an itty bitty bit.* Prowl It is a perfectly valid question. ItsyBitsySpyers *...HEY you know what needs doing? Putting away the snacks early.* Me ((i mean. not knowing who kirk is and shooting lasers around doesn't prove he ISN'T a god. he might not fit a given theology but that doesn't make him not a god.)) ItsyBitsySpyers *He'll just stand and do that.* Omicron *growls at screen, trying to not to lash tail in current spot* Me ((sometimes gods are not omniscient and are dicks. they're valid too.)) Prowl This is not a being that should be freed from his prison. ItsyBitsySpyers ((this is basically a remnant of the fact that originally shatner wanted a story where they thought they found god but found the devil - there was a LOT of executive meddling with this movie)) ((tbh this isn't the first god they've met anyway. they met apollo once)) [[No. He should be destroyed.]] Prowl ((i'm honestly ok with it being just a very powerful horrible being and not literally the christian devil Omicron ((*nods*) Blaster .......wow, okay, no Me ((oh i certainly wouldn't want it to be literally the christian devil. or literally any other human-made theological entity.)) ItsyBitsySpyers ((i am too, i'm just reciting fact)) Me ((i'm just saying. rude of them to assume it's not a god just because it doesn't have the same traits THEY expect out of a god.)) ItsyBitsySpyers ((this being got written more about in a novel later and i find that content far more interesting)) Omicron *looks over at blaster again, chirps a question, does he need help cleaning up?* Blaster -grabs a towel and starts cleaning himself off, ignoring the screen now- Prowl ((ah yes, true, after all, loki is just an ice wizard that fucked a horse Me ((HE SURE DID FUCK A HORSE.)) ItsyBitsySpyers [[All of this and now they are under attack.]] *It's like being interrupted by his alternate, the universe curse his existence.* [[It still lives?]] Prowl Not for long. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Good.]] [[They must leave. Now.]] Omicron pfffttt though yes, they should leave before that parasite reforms ......? ItsyBitsySpyers ((ARE YOU SERIOUS)) [[Pardon. It is occasionally difficult to maintain a signal this far from Earth.]] Blaster -only now glances over at the dragon- Yes? Omicron *glances over* need help? Blaster ...I don't think so? Did I miss any? Smokescreen /Once one towel is soaked, he's picking it up, and is wringing it over his mouth to try to get a bit of the floor energon./ Omicron (( I love this part) *Icy tries to smack that towl away!* *with tail!* ItsyBitsySpyers ((time marker: 10:30)) Smokescreen Hey- come on! Blaster Smokescreen! Tarantulas (( *applause, and a wave goodbye, sorry i wasn't here ic, heh* ItsyBitsySpyers ((np! take care <3)) Tarantulas (( <3 Smokescreen //<3 ItsyBitsySpyers *Anyway, here's Wonderwall.* Omicron No sparkling! Smokescreen I'm not a sparkling, come on Omicron (have a good night!) Prowl Smokescreen, that's disgusting. ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave is glad the business with hunting the god is over.*

[[Even the twins have better manners.]] Smokescreen waitwaitwait sounds can you put up wndrwll Omicron Yes you are, *Icy gets up and starts to twist around, lifting wings and tail up so not to knock someone one way to smokescreen* ItsyBitsySpyers [[He can.]] *But you know what he's doing? Not that.* Smokescreen I'm as old as Soundwave! And there's nothing wrong with trying not to waste energon. Omicron *snorts at that, still coming over* Prowl You're much older than that. Soundwave is only 25 million give or take, yes? *tilts her helm toward him* Smokescreen ... I'm like, 21 million. I think Prowl ... Blaster -he;s keeping the towels used on himself in his servo- When it's probably got things in it from the floor, yes there is Smokescreen ... I don't really know, I was in stasis for a while. I've eaten organic stuff, I'll be fine. Prowl ...are the differences between universe so extreme that you and my Smokescreen are completely different ages? Smokescreen Wait- is your version of me way older? Prowl He's my age, yes. Smokescreen ... And how old are you? Omicron ((Icy really wants to grab smokey and bring him outside to groom him you know, or move him away from mess)) Blaster You've eaten organic stuff. ItsyBitsySpyers [[You don't want to know that.]] Smokescreen Only once or twice! Blaster And how did that turn out for you? Smokescreen Not great! But I'm still here. Blaster I'm younger than you and I know better Prowl *huffs* Smokescreen ... And a loooong time ago, I had a run-in with Unicron and that was REALLY not fun. Omicron *predacon looom over Smokey* Smokescreen It was a dare. And it was still worth it. ..... /He's starting to pick up the soaking towels and back away./ Where should I put these, Sounds? ItsyBitsySpyers [[There is a bin for wet material near where the cleaning supplies were.]] Blaster -will take his towels over there as well- Smokescreen /Smokescreen's going over and dropping the wet rags, before grabbing a few more cleaning supplies to clean the floor!/ Blaster A dare to eat organic things? Smokescreen /He's trying to avoid getting groomed by a predacon again./ Smokescreen ... Yeah? Blaster You do know you don't have to do everything people dare you to do, right? Smokescreen I know I don't HAVE to, but I need them to think I can do anything. Prowl *Prowl isn't sure she wants to say her age lest someone freak out again like the last time. That was really uncomfortable* Blaster No. You don't. Smokescreen ((oh yeahhhh i need to ask my boss to buy this game for our stuff aszcxvb Omicron *Icy is not far from Smokey, at least she's not stalking* If you have a propper conversion tank you can eat organic things ItsyBitsySpyers ((I NEED THIS GAME SO BAD)) Smokescreen //IT LOOKS LIKE FUN! Blaster ((it does! Smokescreen I don't want bots thinking less of me 'cause I won't do a dare or something Blaster If they do then they're not the type of bot you need the rewspect of *respect Prowl *still using the visual feed, going to focus on this video* Smokescreen but I need the respect of every- anyway, it doesn't matter, 'cause I haven't done it in a while. Prowl You don't. Blaster You don't need the respect of everyone It won't happen Smokescreen ... I at least want bots to like me Prowl They won't. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Bots will think poorly of you no matter what you do. He should know.]] Blaster You can try your hardest to please everyone, and you'll only end up tired in the end Omicron It doesn't matter what you do, you can't impress everyone. You can kill yourself trying. Its best to focus on those you care about Smokescreen I mean, I know you will, Sounds, but I want other bots to like me, at least. Prowl And if someone said the only way they would like you would be if you harmed others? ItsyBitsySpyers [[He MEANS he is very, very familiar with being disliked. It does not decide what he does.]] Smokescreen ... But no one would say that Omicron or to take from things those that need? Smokescreen ... I mean, I can't do that. Prowl Megatron would say that. Blaster Daring you to eat things that shouldn't be put in your tanks counts You are hurting yourself doing that Smokescreen ... Well, I'd want to make sure those bots are okay. I don't want to hurt other bots. Prowl Harming yourself is still harming someone, Smokescreen. Omicron Prowl is right *still not far, waiting* Prowl Would you ask other people to do the things you do so you'll like them? Smokescreen What? No way. They're themselves, I'm me. I'd probably like them either way Blaster Smokey. I have a question. You might recognize it. Prowl *scowls* Blaster How long are you going to keep putting out more than you make back? Prowl So hurting yourself is fine but hurting others is not? Smokescreen Relationships aren't some kinda transaction- I'll give as much as I can if it means other bots'll be fine ... I mean, when you put it that way, it sounds bad. ItsyBitsySpyers *What madness. Of COURSE they're a transaction. It works perfectly well for him.* Blaster I'll talk to you later. I have to go home now Omicron Smokescreen, how about this. When you really need to help someone Smokey, and you Can Not, because you've hurt yourself too much to help them. What happens then? Blaster Good night Prowl *of course they are* Smokescreen Night, Blaster! It was nice seeing you! Prowl I can't do this. Good night, Soundwave. ItsyBitsySpyers [[Goodnight, Blaster. Prowl.]] *He doesn't blame them.* Omicron *Icy nods to prowl, and moves to try and grab Smokescreen with jaws, kidnapping time? please?* Smokescreen I should probably go, too. Night, Sounds. Thanks for the movie! Sorry about trying to lick the floor and stuff! Prowl Smokescreen... *she reaches out and pats him on one shoulder before getting up and leaving* Smokescreen /Aaaand he's grabbed!/ Wait- wait, come on, what's that about? ItsyBitsySpyers *Soundwave just sort of waves a hand goodbye at Smokescreen. He doesn't have the ability to argue about that tonight. It's just a goodbye instead.* Omicron *grings around the smaller bot, lifting him up, waves a wing at soundwave good night* V'Mm vaking vis. *fully intenting to sick her insectons workers on smokey to get the mech cleaned up* ItsyBitsySpyers *Nods.* [[Thank you.]] Omicron (XD thank you for the movie) ItsyBitsySpyers ((you're welcome)) Smokescreen You know you can't just take me away like that, right? /Still, he's not even fighting it right now. He's had worse!/ Omicron (want to move to tumblr smoke mun?) Smokescreen //Thank you very much! Also yeah that'd be good

[kingsofeverything]

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

1. List of works published this year: 

In the order that they were posted

Fall At My Door 

Collide

Mercedes Boy

The Oldest Magic Word 

With a Word (part 2 of FAMD)

Possessing All of Me (part 2 of MB)

It Had To Be You 

One of Many 

Stranded in a Dream

How Fast You Fall

Soft Wings

Has The Ocean Lost Its Way 

Splish Splash 

Don’t Want Shelter 

Wasted Like A Memory (part 2 of DWS)

Just Around the Corner 

Find You Home 

Sweating ’Til My Clothes Come Off

Number 84 

Let Me In (part 3 of DWS)

Admission

Intention

Resolution

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Don’t Want Shelter, definitely. The idea for it came to me over a year ago, and that was basically exes to lovers stuck in a hurricane together. I tried to write it earlier in the year and scrapped it. It was a completely different story and they were actually exes, but it just wasn’t working. RIP those 10k words. But I set out to write something with more emotion and I wanted to write something different and I feel like I succeeded. I’m very emotionally attached to their characters in DWS too. It’s been hard to get my head out of that universe.

I’m putting the rest under a cut because this got really long.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Soft Wings. It was soooo hard to write at that time. I was just struggling to write anything at all and every single word of that fic was a giant pain in my ass. It was a bday gift and I actually decided not to do gift fics anymore because of how hard it was to write. The last gift fic I wrote was DWS and it was like 2 months late-- sorry about that @justafatbirdonaboat <3

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

So, this was actually difficult and I would rather include the sex scene I mention below in question 7, but it’s long and... it’s smut and I feel like dropping it in here with nothing leading up to it or after it takes a lot away from it. This is from DWS:

If he keeps himself busy enough, which he’s fairly successful with, he doesn’t have time to think about Harry and how once again he practically laid himself bare for absolutely no reason. It’ll fade, he knows that, but at the same time he doesn’t want it to. It’s how he finds himself going out of his way to some specialty store to find Harry’s organic cinnamon toothpaste. It’s why he bought some fancy vanilla candle for his bedroom. He’s fighting with himself over trying to forget and wanting to remember, because he knows that eventually it’ll be gone no matter what he wants. The toothpaste will be empty and the candle will burn down, and it’ll all become a distant memory.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

i got a super long and detailed comment on FAMD from one of my favorite drarry authors and bloggers that came at the perfect time when i was feeling really shitty about writing and also life in general. it was such a surreal thing for me because i was reading the comment and it was just super lovely and the whole time i was reading it i was like OMFG and fangirling lol

all of the comments on DWS from people who read it as a WIP. they were like some sort of super fuel for me. and it was... idk a special thing for me. i’ve never done a WIP before and idk if I ever will again. it just worked out with that fic because of the chapters and betaing etc. but every time i posted a chapter and people would comment on it, it was just... idk it meant a lot that anyone would follow along, i guess.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Writing Soft Wings, so late May, and then again after I posted DWS, I struggled with Sweating ’Til My Clothes come off. That was Reason #14 and literally NO ONE wanted to write that prompt, so I took it. Mainly though, my struggles have been with fics that either I’ve abandoned (the old version of DWS) or my unfinished sci fic au.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

i feel like everything i write surprises me. i’m constantly shocked that i write anything at all. i think that most of dws was surprising to me. i had a vague idea of what i wanted their personalities to be like, but the way they ended up was so much better than i thought they’d be. I MEAN, i legit thought that the entire fic would take place over 3 days and would end when the storm ended! and then the storm ended and i was like... wtf i’m not anywhere near finished with this. and then a scene specifically, umm... there’s a sex scene in ch 7 of dws that ended up being wayyyyyyyyyyy more emotional for me to write and it still makes me sad to read it. and i’m like 99.999999% sure if you’ve read that fic, you know what i’m talking about. i wrote that and immediately was messaging nic like “i’ve made myself sad with smut! what is wrong with me?”

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

i’m much less messy, though i’m still messy. i think i was easier on my beta this year. less cliche (unless i’m cliche on purpose) and better at getting the emotions across? I DON’T KNOW @louandhazaf is better at this stuff. she answered a different question about this earlier in the year actually.

wait. also. i think i’m better at conceptualizing a story BEFORE i start writing. i still suck at it, but not as badly as last year. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

i’d like to write another long fic. i’d like to get better at developing secondary characters. i’d like to write more emotion into my fics. i’d love to be better at outlining and planning fics, but idk if that’s who i am lol 

tbh i’d like to be better at the part of writing that, up until this point, and to a certain point, come naturally to me. i don’t think about my character’s motivations or what they’re separate stories are or backgrounds and shit like that until i’m writing and sometimes i do it and don’t realize i’m doing it? i guess? I DON’T KNOW. coming from a math background and never having written or even taken a creative writing class or anything like that, like... some of the most important aspects of writing, i have no clue about them. at least that’s how i feel. a lot of what i do is just................. like me flying by the seat of my pants. 

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

this is my answer from last year and i’m just going to leave it because it’s still true.

NIC @louandhazaf​ my friend and forever beta. one day we’re going to take over the world. just depends which one of us is in charge of the brain that day as to whether it’s for good or evil.

however, i’ll add to this a bit. nic is the best cheerleader and beta and all of that. bouncing ideas around with her is always fun and always productive. we laughed so hard when we were talking about ideas for DWS. like... i think we both laughed so hard we cried. 

having writer friends -- so all of you -- has been such a positive thing for me. knowing that we all sort of go through the same shit makes it easier when it’s my own lol. 

specifically, i’ll say that @phd-mama influenced me with her fic ‘feels like coming home’ because i read that fic and when i finished i decided that i needed to write something with more emotion behind it, something with a really great (though not necessarily good) back story. the history between her characters in that fic..... idk a lot of it hit home for me. and because of that fic, i wrote DWS. so, thanks <3 

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

ummmm... yes. let’s just say.......... yes.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

yes! write what makes you happy, even if that means writing something sad and depressing. but also try to challenge yourself to write things you’re not used to or things you haven’t done before. also, just write. you can edit later. put words down.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

my near misses fic, which is what i’ll call it until i title it, that i am super excited about (this one just came to me yesterday)

moodboard fic - it’s anon, so i can’t say anything other than that. i started it, but i think i’m going to start over. 

2 time stamps for ‘don’t want shelter’. one that takes place the summer they’re 13, and one that takes place between chapters 8 & 9, but before ‘let me in’

my sci fi au - it’s been kicking my ass for most of this year 

i have a fic idea where they go from friends to lovers, but it’s a long long road to get there. idk if i’ll get to it. it would be loooong. 

i want to do a valentines fic but idk if i’ll have time. i’d like my near misses fic to be for valentines, but that’s a lot of pressure on me and then on my beta.

28 proposals with jess @someonethatsfunny and if we want to do it for an advent fic for next year, i need to at least write a proposal per month. 

i want to do the new relationship travel the world fic with nic @louandhazaf that we’ve talked about co-writing, but we both have so much going on......... 

oh and the tiny penis fic series. which is 5 short fics that are not connected, but one of them has a tiny penis in each fic (it switches around and also maybe they both do in one fic)

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

I would like to tag all of my writer friends, sooo you’re all tagged. Also, this is more than 3, but idc

@dinosaursmate @allwaswell16 @letsjustsee @gaycousinlarry @goodmorningtoyouuniverse @assisreal (writing or art, saori! or both!) @prettytruthsandlies @someonethatsfunny @phd-mama ok i’ll stop tagging so that y’all will have people you can tag lol

[patheticnugbaby]

Fugitive III

Alright, so this section wasn’t as badly written as I remember it being so I had a few minor edits before I decided to say fuck it and post it. A lot of this is magical mumbo jumbo as taken from the wiki, games, and a little bit of personal inference. 

I hope you enjoy.

Claricia woke the next morning to find clean, folded clothes set next to the bedroll on the floor of the aravel. She smiled softly as she tugged them on over her head. They were dalish clothes, of course, baring more of her legs than she was used to. She slid on the long, surprisingly warm leggings they’d given her instead of boots. Her toes peeked out of the cloth-lined leather, she wiggled them. Carefully, she opened the door and stepped out of the aravel, giving a small, startled yelp at the sudden cold of pine needles under her feet. She tiptoed around the aravel towards the middle of the camp where they had settled for the night, expecting a fire.

She found the dalish rolling up their blankets and dousing fires, one of the older elves, Oruvun, she thought his name was, harnessing the halla to the aravels. She spun around a little, searching for the keeper, or Nanin, or Athras. Somebody who could tell her how she could help.

“Claricia!” She whirled towards the sound of her name, spotting a dark-haired elf waving her over.

She scuttled over to them, dodging out of the way of a few elves bundling up the rest of an aravel, “Ah, morning! Can I help?”

“We’ve mostly finished, Oruvun’s just finishing with the halla, he could use help, but the halla are easily startled, to them you’ll smell human,” Closer up the elven woman had iron gray streaked through her hair, warm wrinkles in the corners of her eyes told Claricia that she smiled often, “would you like to be woken with the rest of the clan next time?”

“If that’s alright,” She gave the older woman a sheepish smile, “I don’t really like not having something to do.”

She laughed, a loud, hearty sound that made Claricia grin a little more freely, “Tomorrow I’ll show you what you can help with,” she gently patted Claricia’s arm with what she imagined was a mother’s hand, “I don’t know if we were properly introduced, da’len, I’m Thalia, Warmaster of Clan Nathari.”

“Oh! I’m-” Claricia stopped, suddenly blushing, “Sorry, you already know my name,” she gave Thalia a rueful smile, looking towards the aravels, Oruvun had just finished harnessing the last halla, “Um, what’s a Warmaster?”

“We occasionally clash with humans on our travels, I am tasked with the safety of Clan Lavellan, should we be attacked,” She had that matter-of-fact tone to her voice, clipped and a little sharp, “Have you encountered any of the Dalish before?”

Claricia shook her head, “No, and my education didn’t really cover Dalish clans, only that you exist and not to engage a clan unless absolutely necessary.”

Thalia gave her a slightly pleased smile, showing too-long canine teeth. Claricia swallowed a little.

“So, where should I go?” She managed, running a hand nervously through her hair, giving an irritated growl at the snarls that had accumulated overnight.

“Keeper Ellas will teach you while we travel, she’ll send for you any moment now,” Thalia paused, frowning a little, “then again, she may be a little late. Her falon'saota is not pleased.”

“Her what?”

“Humans would probably say wife or husband,” Thalia replied, setting a guiding hand on Claricia’s shoulder, steering her towards the aravels as they started to move, “have you done much walking before, da’len?”

“Not the way your people have,” She admitted, matching Thalia’s pace, “why?”

“You will want to see Athras in the evenings after we walk, da’len, it will take time for your feet to adjust, even if you are half-blooded,” She replied, removing her hand from Claricia’s shoulder, “Tell me, what did your chantry teach you?”

“How do you mean?” Claricia frowned a little, irritably shaking her hair out of her eyes, “Do you mean my Templar training or the Chant of Light?”

“Your Templar training,” Thalia answered, unwrapping a cord from her wrist, “here, to tie back your hair. If you like I could ask someone to cut it for you when we next stop.”

“Thank you,” She took the cord, tightly winding it around her hair to hold it in a messy tail, “As far as Templar training goes, I had to memorize some of the Chant, history, and many, many exercises to improve mental focus,” she chuckled softly, “and years of martial training, probably seven years of it. They wouldn’t let me learn how to use a sword until I was about nine.”

“Perhaps, in time, you could spar with some of my warriors, da’len,” Thalia gave her a warm smile with just the slightest hint of a challenge in it, “it would be most informative to see how they fared against a Templar, former or no.”

“I’ll think about it,” Claricia gave her a little smile before she spotted the keeper exiting a moving aravel with a surprisingly spry little leap, “Should I-?”

“Wait until Isenama leaves, da’len,” Thalia placed a hand on her shoulder again, giving her a little squeeze, she wasn’t sure if it was protective or commanding, “She will warm to you in time, until then, best be cautious.”

“Will she-”

“She won’t hurt you, da’len,” Thalia reassured her, “she may try to make it uncomfortable for you to be here, shout at you, and mock you. She is concerned that your being here will bring the Templars down on us, that your presence will hurt the clan,” Thalia paused, narrowing her eyes as Isenama stepped out of the aravel, “but that is not her decision to make. As Warmaster, it is mine. It is her decision to decide if the hunters can support another mouth, and they can. Isenama may be brash and pig-headed but she is always honest,” Thalia tsked softly, “To a fault.”

Claricia glanced back to the keeper, finding herself in an accidental staring contest with Isenama. Harsh, narrow eyes squinted at her a little more, the severity of her glare pulling on the sharp lines of her facial tattoos. Claricia looked away, down at the dirt under her feet. Thalia’s hand squeezed her shoulder, a warm, safe kind of pressure.

“That was wise of you, da’len,” Thalia murmured, patting her back, “challenging Isenama now would only make it worse for you, perhaps later you’ll find something akin to common ground,” Thalia gave her an encouraging grin, “go to the keeper, da’len, she has much to teach you.”

Claricia tried to ignore the sharp worry that suddenly gnawed in her gut, how it wavered along the song she felt in her veins that she’d managed to ignore all morning. She felt another warm squeeze on her shoulder, looking over to see Thalia’s warm mother’s smile, encouraging, safe. She smiled at the elf before bounding up to the keeper.

“Morning, Keeper Ellas,” She said, falling into step on her left side, “Is that what I’m supposed to call you?”

“Yes, da’len,” The keeper replied, rubbing a little bit of sleep from her eyes, “good morning, do the clothes fit you?”

“They’re not what I’m used to but they’re quite comfortable,” Claricia answered, running her hands experimentally over her thighs, “Thank you, I appreciate you using the resources on me.”

“For all intents and purposes, I have adopted you into Clan Nathari, da’len. It will be an adjustment but our resources are your resources,” The keeper smiled, pointing a finger at one of the halla, “Do you know of the halla?”

“Only what they look like,” She admitted a little sheepishly, “they weren’t considered important to my education before.”

“The halla are not like human horses, they are friends and partners,” The keeper laid a wiry arm over Claricia’s shoulders as they walked, “they will take some time to warm to you, so you should keep your distance for awhile.”

“Thalia said something similar,” Claricia said with a little nod, smiling a little at the keeper’s affirmative grunt.

“For today Nanin will actually be teaching you,” The keeper said, Claricia caught the small, worried edge in her tone, “I ask that you keep in mind he has never taught before and that he may be harsh with you.”

“If you think that’s best, Keeper,” She couldn’t keep the slight thorniness from her tone, drawing a curious little chuckle from the keeper.

“If you don’t understand what he tries to teach you come to me, da’len,” The keeper hugged her a little before letting her go, “I have many things to soothe within the clan today, otherwise I would teach you.”

“Is that because of me?”

“Of course,” The keeper chuckled a little, then gave her a reassuring smile, tucking a stray curl behind her ear, “I would like to help you, da’len, any burden I undertake to make that happen is of my own choosing and not something you should worry over.”

Claricia nodded, glancing back along the aravels with a little frown, “Ah, where exactly do I find Nanin? While he’s teaching me do I still call him Nanin?”

“If you’re feeling particularly gracious you could call him ‘Aenorean’, which is his father’s name, it’s used formally, like ‘Ellas’ is for me,” The keeper explained, giving her a little gesture, “He’ll be near the back of the aravels, if I don’t have a lesson for him he likes to walk alone. He’s expecting you.”

Claricia swallowed and chewed her lip a little before she started walking towards the back of the long train of aravels. She passed a fair-haired elf, looking to be in her forties, surrounded by a pack of children. Hahren Belavhan, she remembered. The elf glowered at her, ushering the children a little farther away and out of sight. Claricia ignored the little sharpness that rose in her throat, shaking her head as she marched to the back of the aravels, finding Nanin.

His hair was held back in a messy tail, not so messy as it was yesterday. His ears gave a sharp twitch when he saw her, copper eyes narrowing as he impatiently waved her over.

“Did you sleep late or did you keep me waiting on purpose?” Claricia ignored the hot rise of anger in her chest, clenching her jaw.

“As soon as I knew you were expecting me I came,” She said, loosening her jaw a little with a soft, deep breath, Andraste, grant me patience.

A little of the sharpness faded from him as he ran a careless hand through his hair, mussing it further, “Sorry. Never taught anyone before.”

“It’s alright. Practice makes perfect, right?” She offered a little smile, raising one of her hands, willing a small mote of light to hover over her palm, “What’s my lesson today?”

“Thalia says your ‘Templars’ gave you exercises for mental focus?” His voice seemed to switch, softer and more curious, like when she first showed him the magic she summoned.

“Yes. They said that our will was our most valuable resource,” She paused, frowning a little, “They never told me exactly why.”

“Luckily for you, they weren’t wrong,” He tapped his staff softly, soft, green light running its length before it winked out, “A mage with insufficient will is an abomination waiting to happen, but you know that. Have you had troubles with dreams before?”

“I had vivid nightmares in the days before my vigil. I attributed it to nervousness, though some days I’d wake up and find the sheets cold, like they were covered in ice, or far too hot,” She chuckled softly, “I suppose I should’ve known.”

“Perhaps, but that doesn’t matter now,” Claricia bristled a little at his dismissive tone, “Do you recall any attempts to possess you?”

She frowned a little, glowering at the back of an aravel before she shook her head.

“Mm. There will likely be one, especially as you learn and cast more and draw more attention from the Beyond,” He said, tapping his staff on the ground as he walked, “and it will take a considerable amount of focus to resist one. Do you have something which might help with that?”

“The Chant,” She said without really thinking before she blushed at his bemused expression, “What?”

“I said nothing,” He replied, still a little smile on his lips that made her hackles rise, “If it helps, it helps. If you fail to repel a demon you will become an abomination and you will hurt people. If the clan survives that you will be hunted down and killed, likely at great cost,” he rapped his staff on the back of the aravel sharply, running his free hand through his messy hair again, “Demons will come after your greatest weakness, whatever that is, or your greatest passion and twist it to serve their purposes,” There was a kind of anger in his voice that grated on her skin briar thorns, a wavering in the air that almost sang, “Once Keeper Ellas is sure that you won’t fall we’ll get into friendlier spirits, or at least those which aren’t actively malevolent.”

“What do you mean ‘friendlier spirits’?” Claricia frowned, her lips thinning, “Are they not all demons?”

“I’m sure it’s easier for humans to think of it that way,” Nanin gave her that little smile that made her want to punch him right in his copper eyes, “Spirits reflect the world around them, as they see it through the veil and may be moved by many things, only really called into existence when the concept fueling them has enough people behind it. The more complex the concept the more powerful a spirit may be, Pride and Wisdom being the most powerful observed spirits,” He paused a little, eyes flicking over to her, squinting a little, “... You aren’t arguing.”

“Would you like me to?” She snickered a little, then gave him a shrug, “The chantry taught me many things, some of which I believe to be true. Given its attitude about me, and what I am, I’m less inclined to trust it on the subject.”

“They raised you, your every idea. This doesn’t sit wrong with you? The idea that they’re wrong?” There was a harder edge to his voice, softened only by his incredulity.

“People can be wrong all the time,” She answered, then cleared her throat a little, “I believe in the Chant, the Maker, and Andraste. The Chantry is ultimately an organization made by people, who are flawed and shortsighted, if the Maker as I believe Him to be is real, and I believe He is, then it’s impossible for anyone to interpret His will, especially over thousands of years of gradually diluting beliefs.”

“Huh.”

She chuckled softly, forgetting herself a moment and giving him a playful shove, “That’s all you’ve got? ‘Huh.’?”

“It sounds like you’ve thought a great deal about it,” He replied, a slight frown pulling his brows down, pursing his lips thoughtfully, “your faith.”

“One of two reasons I wasn’t actually anyone’s favorite pupil,” She giggled a little, prompting a small smile from him.

“Only two?” He grinned at her and she snorted, batting at him with one of her hands.

“Aren’t you supposed to be teaching me things?” She grumbled, setting her hands on her hips.

“I can stop to let you teach me something,” He quipped, a dangerous gleam dancing in his eyes, “A teacher can learn from their student, or so I’m told.”

“Unless you want to hear me recite the entire Chant I’m afraid I’m out of things to teach you until you get back to my lesson,” He narrowed his eyes a little, then apparently decided she was serious.

“The demon that tried for me was a rage demon, Furor,” He said, running a hand through his hair again, loose strands falling around his face, “I resisted, obviously, but it was harder than I would’ve liked it to be. Other demons have tried, but none were quite so effective as the first,” he paused, pursing his lips thoughtfully again, “spirits and demons will likely come to you soon, and the first will be the hardest. The best we can do now is train your will over the Beyond.”

“How would you like to start?” She asked, almost unconsciously slipping into the layers upon layers of Templar obedience.

“So far you’ve summoned light in unfocused forms. For now, see what you can make with it, the more complex the more focus it will require to keep in place,” He said, tapping his staff in the earth, “Try something you’re familiar with.”

Claricia took a deep breath, finding the thrumming in her blood and her heart, rolling through her body with the strength of a river, she wondered how she’d forgotten it for so long this time. She held out her left arm, flexing her fingers around the pale grip that appeared there, blooming from her palm as it stuttered over her arm. The light wavered, the humming still rang strong but it wouldn’t extend any further. She frowned, taking another deep breath.

“O, Maker, hear my cry: Guide me through the blackest nights,” The light seemed to solidify into something akin to metal, though it felt as light as the wind on her arm, she smiled, steadily pushing on the edges of the light, “Steel my heart against the temptations of the wicked. Make me to rest in the warmest places.”

As the words fell from her lips the light grew until it covered her arm with a broad kite shield, the brightness of the light fading until it looked more like dull metal the color of sunshine. She grinned, a surge of pride and triumph blooming in her chest.

“Your Chant may be worth something after all,” He said, she bristled a little but didn’t let it show, “It is harder to will things into being without the presence of heightened emotions but it will be easier to be precise about it. There is a time and a place for both.”

“On the mountain, I blew my previous mentors into the river. I don’t even know how I thought I was going to die on my feet, I didn’t want to, but I thought I would,” She confessed, looking at her shield with a soft kind of awe, “I-”

A sudden movement out the corner of her eye and she dropped into a fighting stance, shield raised over her head. The hardness of a wooden staff smacked into her arm as the shield dissipated, drawing a pained hiss from her, scuttling back and shaking her arm.

“Maker’s breath, what was that for?” She snapped, her other hand rubbing the spot on her forearm that still stung.

“A little test, if I warned you it would’ve been useless,” He inclined his head a little, ears pinning back slightly, “It’ll leave a red mark for a time, that’s all. You will need to learn how to concentrate on your spells if you want them to stay for any amount of time. If that’s how you’d like to use your magic then you need to learn to do this, if your concentration falters it will kill you.”

Claricia grit her teeth and gave him a sharp nod, “I understand.”

His eyes widened, then narrowed suspiciously, “That’s it? I just hit you.”

“Nugs hit harder than you do,” She grinned, flexing her fingers a little, “you think I haven’t taken my fair share of punches being a half-elf, a girl, and generally exceptional?”

“I think you have a rather high opinion of yourself,” He shot back, a smile curling the corners of his lips.

“Only where it’s warranted,” She chuckled softly, shaking her left arm a little, “Did you have to hit me with the staff?”

“If you managed to keep the shield up I would’ve definitely hurt my fingers.”

“Oh, forgive me, I didn’t know you had such delicate hands,”

“Fenedhis lasa.”

“That doesn’t sound complimentary.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

[azuregold]

(struggling to figure out how to ask all of them... also obv no spoilers ;u;) okay for character specific questions: 13 I don't think I've questioned any character's actions so ┐( シ)┌ 14 I guess Zoro?? maybe Travis 21 tell me about the human experiences of Luffy! 22 Zoro 30 eh just ramble about the Straw Hats living human lives? 42, 43, 49 & 50 all of the crew when they were in Earthverse !

These were fun! Well, most of them. For questions 21, 30, 42, 43, 49, and 50…they aren't things I've thought too much about before. I'm not in the right frame of mind to try at the moment and I didn't want to let the ask sit there unanswered until I did manage to think of something, so I'm just going to go ahead and skip them for now, sorry! ^^;

1: what inspires you?

Having a good idea I can be excited about? IDK. X'D

2: one of your favorite comments/reviews on this chapter/verse?

I love all my comments. ;u; I love the comments that go into detail about what they thought, the comments that are just a mess of flailing, the comments that tell me they stayed up all night reading, the comments that are just a line or two to say they liked it, and everything in between. Even if I could decide on one to use as an example, I wouldn't want to make anyone feel like I didn't appreciate their comment because it didn't look like that one.

3: what motivates you?

Being excited about an idea, getting to write a part I've been looking forward to, getting a nice comment on a fic, having the house to myself.

4: what time of the day/night do you like to write?

Either afternoon or at night once my mom's gone to bed.

5: do you write scenes in a linear fashion or do you write future scenes/dialogues sometimes?

I'll write snippets of future scenes if I think of something I don't want to lose, but otherwise I write pretty much linearly (aside from going back to rewrite previous scenes/chapters).

6: hardest/easiest character to write for?

I don't know if any of them are easy, exactly. It also depends on the scene and what they're going to be doing. Sometimes I know exactly how they'll behave, and sometimes I just can't picture how a character would react to a particular event or line of dialogue.

But generally Zoro isn't too bad. (Also Travis, because he's my character, though that still doesn't mean I know how he'll respond to things all the time, unfortunately.) Hardest is probably Flirty!Sanji and Franky. I've never tried writing from Franky's point of view, but he's hard enough from someone else's that I'm not eager to try. Chopper and Robin aren't too bad from someone else's POV, but I think I might have trouble writing from theirs. And Luffy can be difficult occasionally, depending on the situation. (Also Sven is hard, even though he’s my character.)

7: hardest/easiest verse to write for?

Well, I only have one at the moment, so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Though once I actually start writing some of my other ideas, I have a feeling Mistyverse will still be the easiest, just because I've been working in it for so long.

8: (if you have either or both) how do you manage time with writing, work, school etc.?

Very badly. ^^;; I'm terrible at time management.

9: what tv shows, books, or movies inspire for this verse, if any?

Story-wise, I can't think of anything specific (there may have been and I've just forgotten, but). Character-wise, Archer from Fate/Stay Night and Furuya Rei/Amuro Tōru/Bourbon from Detective Conan were a big influence when I was developing Travis.

10: any writing advice?

I don't feel confident enough to give advice to other people, haha.

11: (if you use) what do you like about archiveofourown?

The tag system. It can be very helpful in finding a certain subject or giving me a better idea of what the fic is about. Also the "mark for later" option. And the ability to have a series. It makes it much easier not to miss things when there are multiple fics in a story. And I like that the author isn't sent a notice when someone subscribes/can’t see the names of people who have subscribed. I feel much less awkward about subscribing to fics that are years old or about a very guilty pleasure. :P

12: anything you would do to make archiveofourown different/change it?

I…kind of have a list…

– Add a way to sort subscriptions by fandom! Sometimes I want to reread fic for a particular series and if I don't remember the title(s), going through multiple pages of fics and opening them one by one is such a pain.

– Give us a way to mark main vs. minor characters and relationships in fics. It's really annoying searching for fics about a certain character or pairing and getting dozens of fics that focus on someone/thing else entirely, with whatever you were looking for getting maybe a couple of scenes in the background. I've seen authors try to tag things to indicate this themselves, but most (including me ^^; ) don't do it, and in any case, I'd like an actual option I can mark in a search.

– It'd be cool to be able to put spoiler warnings on tags. Click to view, highlight, something.

– Filter IDs are very helpful, but it would be so much easier if we could just click a button to exclude things like explicit fics, “multi” fics (I’m so tired of being overrun with smutty “multi” fics when I search for “gen” without a filter), NOTPs, fandoms I don’t like…and so on.

– Being able to choose whether or not crossovers are included in the search results. I like a good crossover, but sometimes I just want fics for the one series.

– Don’t have author replies count under total number of comments. Also a PM system would be nice.

(If any of this is possible and it’s just that I don’t know about it, someone please tell me. X’D)

14: what is the arc for this character (redemption, etc.)?

I find it hard to put things like this into words (and I don't want to give spoilers), so…I'm going to pass on this as well. ^^;

15: ask me any spoilers you’re curious about for a verse, and i’ll post the answer in the tags

I'm glad you didn't ask for any because usually I love giving spoilers but we're far enough into the story now that most things I could say are Big Spoilers for the climax/ending that I really don't want to give away ahead of time. So thanks for not tempting me. XD

16: do you ever hand write? why or why not?

Once in a long while, if I think of a line I don't want to forget after I've turned my computer off, I'll jot it down on a notepad so I'll remember it the next day. Otherwise, no. My handwriting is slow as molasses and makes my hand tired. ^^;

17: do you listen to music while you write?

Almost always. 8D Just instrumentals, though.

18: any fanmixes you’ve made for this fic/verse?

Not really, no. I have a playlist I use when I'm writing scenes with Travis, and I'm working on one for fight scenes in general, but that's the closest I've got.

19: any edits or art you’ve made for this fic/verse/any edits readers have made? if not, what visuals would you use for one?

All the art I've posted for Mistyverse is here (If I get any fanart in the future, that's where it will be, too). I have quite a bit of art I haven't posted, mostly of Travis or unfinished attempts to draw specific scenes (I have an attempted map of the island in OtMS that I'm too embarrassed to look at again X'D).

20: what songs were you listening to during this scene/chapter?Mostly I just shuffle my giant instrumental playlist. Or if I'm in the mood for something new, I go looking on YouTube or similar places for writing playlists. As far as music for specific scenes/chapters, I think I pretty much covered that in question 13 here.

22: favorite line/quote/inner monologue from this character?

Zoro… At the moment, probably:

Zoro's heart had nearly stopped when he'd seen those hands. Or it would have, if he'd still had one.

Damn it, when did I start stealing Brook's lines?

23: feelings on epistolary fic?

It can be interesting. c: I like it best when letters/diary entries/whatever are mixed with more traditional narrative, but they can make for a fun story.

24: do you outline?

Yep! Not super-detailed outlines, usually, but I prefer having some sense of where things are going.

25: if you outline, do you edit it frequently?

Not that often, no. I don't think I've even looked at the outline for FMaA in a while, actually, because things got very vague toward the end, outside of a few specifics, and I have most of the necessary info in my head at this point.

26: anything you’re planning to write in your fic that you’re worried readers might like?

I think this is supposed to be "that you're worried readers might not like". Because otherwise…why would someone liking my stuff make me worried? Barring creepy stalkers and the like. Assuming it's "not"…

Ohhh yeah. I might hide under the covers for about a week when I post those parts… X’D

27: when you read fic, how often do you comment?

Not…very often. ;;OTL I know how much comments mean to writers, especially now that I've had firsthand experience, but I still find it a difficult thing to do. And lately, when I do comment, more often than not I do it anonymously, even if all I have to say is praise. It's just more comfortable for me that way. If I leave a signed in comment, it usually means I really liked the fic.

28: any scene/line you wrote that you didn’t expect to write/that surprised you once it was written?

Uhh…first thing that comes to mind is when they were at the museum and got roped into playing themselves. I had planned for their disguises to be seen through and for it to be assumed that they were cosplaying, but the rest of it just sort of happened. Including Maya; I knew she was going to be in the story, but I didn’t know she was going to be on that island or working at the museum until she showed up in the fruit room. X’D I don’t even remember how I was originally going to introduce her, except that it was going to be a lot closer to the end.

29: do you eat or drink anything while you write?

Not while I'm writing, but I like to have a drink and sometimes a snack before I start. Most often chai. It helps me get in the mood.

32: what are your stats for this story/verse?

Is…this supposed to mean, like…number of kudos/comments/hits. etc? If it means something else, someone tell me and I'll adjust my answer. :P

Just doing the two main fics (and on FFN the shorts are part of OtMS anyway, so):

On the Misty Shore

AO3 – Kudos: 75, Comments: 11, Bookmarks: 10, Hits: 1350

FFN – Reviews: 86, Favorites: 165, Followers: 63, Communities: 1, Views: 21,005

From Mist and Ashes

AO3 – Kudos: 117, Comments: 37, Bookmarks: 17, Hits: 1739

FFN – Reviews: 94, Favorites: 101, Followers: 129, Views: 11.433

33: favorite one-shot you’ve written?

Ah…hmm. I haven't actually written any one-shots as in "self-contained, stand-alone story" yet (I have plans!). Out of the one-shot extras that I wrote for Mistyverse…maybe Proof? It was the most self-indulgent of the three and the most fun to write.

34: a scene/paragraph you wrote that you’re proud of

I'm pretty happy with most of the stuff in chapters 18 and 19…and the scene in 16 where Zoro reveals himself…and Zoro and Travis’s fight in the museum in 15…and probably more that I’m not thinking of, but I’m not going to reread the whole thing again right now. :P

35: any foreshadowing/symbolism you wrote that you hope readers didn’t miss?

Yes, but at the same time I hope most people don't put the pieces together until things get revealed later.

36: any scenes you wrote that parallel the canon verse?

I guess maybe the stuff with Zoro and Chidori in 17? Kind of?

37: do you use quotes in the beginning notes/intro to your chapters? if so, what are some of your favorites/what are their significance?

Nope, I don't.

38: do you title your chapters? what’s your favorite chapter title? what’s its significance/why did you choose it?

Yes, I love titling chapters. Even when I can't think of anything good. Favorite chapter title is definitely Law and Order. Because it has a double meaning/pun (the structure and rules of Whitestone + Law showing up at the end).

39: any alternate fic titles you were considering for this verse?

I had a couple others I was playing with, at least for FMaA, but who knows what they were? Not me. XD

40: chapter you’re most proud of in this verse?

At the moment, I'd say it's a tossup between 15, 16, 18, and 19.

41: chapter that was the most fun to write in this verse?

Hmm. 12 was the easiest, and it's always fun when I'm not struggling with a chapter. The whole arc on Crinia (chapters 13 – 15) was pretty fun, even when it got difficult. 18 – 19, too. And I felt like chapter 20 was crap while I was writing it, but it was silly fun, and it doesn't seem as terrible when I reread it now.

44: have you shared your outline with anyone? if so, what did they think of it?

The outline itself, no. Parts of it are pretty different from what I actually ended up writing; it might be fun to share some of it sometime. c:

45: anyone you share excerpts with?

*pokes you​* And I've posted a few here before, too. They're usually pretty short, though. Just a line or two.

46: story with the most kudos (AO3)?

From Mist and Ashes.

47: story with the most comments?

From Mist and Ashes again. :P

48: a happy future moment you’ve written/have planned for this ship? (will post under read more for spoilers)

*ignores the "ship" part* Hmm…I have no idea if I'll ever actually write it, but in my list of ideas for FMaA bonus scenes I have one where Zoro cooks for everyone (just because he can't eat anymore doesn't mean he can't cook—he lived on that island by himself for a long time before he died, after all). Also (for the benefit of anyone else reading this), sircerenade and I have discussed Brook and Zoro bonding over stuff before (being "grandpa figures", sharing skull/ghost jokes, etc.). Some of it may be more bittersweet than happy, but it’s a cute bittersweet, so.

[jarchieriverdale]

I'm writing a Riverdale fanfic (Jarchie mainly, with Beronica on the side) which is one of my first proper fanfics ever. Any general tips or maybe even just tips for being brave enough to actually, you know, share it? I'm feeling so awkward about this entire thing!

Can I first start of with saying: so much kudos to you for wanting to put your fic up! Fandoms getting new fics and writers is always a huge YES because we always need more & definitely welcome it ^_^(This definitely ended up being really long, but I made a list further down if you don’t wanna read all my rambling. I’m not sure what specifically you’re feeling awkward about, but I covered a bunch of stuff :))

Reading this I was like, I’m probably not the best person to ask because I have really bad anxiety ?? but then I was like, actually, you know, that’s why I’m probably one of the best people to ask because HOW the HELL do I manage to do this despite that? And honestly it involves a lot of self-talk + bravery + a fuck-it-I’m-gonna-do-it-who-cares mood. And I have a feeling this post is going to be rather long, but I’ll just talk through my own experience and what I’ve told myself, and maybe it’ll help you (or someone else) as well. :D

(I decided to put this under cut IT’S SO LONG IM SORRY (& if you’re on mobile I’m even more sorry t_t) 

I’ve actually been writing stuff for YEARS. I started fanfics in middle school, before that I was writing my own little stories. Little me in primary school and early middle school, so badly wanting to be a writer (I RP’d a lot between 07-10 as well). But I never shared my writing. SOMETIMES with close friends, if I bought up an original story and they were interested I would send it to them. Otherwise, I wasn’t about to share it with anyone. ESPECIALLY not my fanfics when I started. A lot of my earliest have gone unseen by the world (and myself for years). I’m sure this may apply to a lot of people if you’ve written stuff for years, regardless what type of writing it is. I don’t know if you’ve written other stuff before anon, but if you haven’t that’s okay because we all gotta start somewhere & if you want to share it right away that’s one hell of an achievement and damned awesome. On the other hand, if it’s taken a while, that’s great too. Either way, sharing can be one hell of an anxiety inducing situation.

Okay, so when it came to finally posting stuff up, I’d definitely been writing a while, but at this point I knew I really wanted feedback on my writing, and to see if people enjoyed it, so that was a huge factor in me sharing it online. I’d never find out what people thought if I kept it to myself forever. Critique can sometimes be tough (just before my ImperialRemnant account on AO3 I wrote fanfic elsewhere and definitely had “this sucks” reviews - which isn’t so much a critique, but actually being a dick because they weren’t helpful - and definitely had fics that did rather terribly - still do - but it’s all a learning process & you eventually get used to it).

It’s also important where you post it, AO3 would be best of jarchie and beronica, as well as tumblr. Fanfic.net usually does better with gen fics. They’re the only ones I use, although I have accounts on some other sites I still gotta go on.

So I’ll go through things you should remember if you’re nervous about putting up fics (and things I have to remind/tell myself constantly):: 

1. I’ll start with the fact you’ll definitely get reviews/comments/critique like I said previously. But most people are REALLY REALLY nice, so don’t freak out (I tell myself, as I’m trying to rationalise), and I haven’t had anything terrible since making my ImperialRemnant account on AO3 or fanfic.net. And there are always times your fics won’t get any comments at all– and that’s fine too! I’ve had that happen to me, and in the long run, it doesn’t feel like a huge biggy??Also, sometimes people aren’t gonna like what you do and they’ll say that, but that takes me to a second point–

2. It’s not your problem if somebody doesn’t like something. This is really important to know. You wrote the fic because it’s a concept you wanted to write, and something you really wanted to share and that’s amazing. You put tags on everything in your fic, so the person will go in and know what to expect, so if somebody does say something, then it’s like… “it was in the tags/summary? Why did you read this then? Wtf?” then 0% your fault. (Tagging’s important guys! I do find it hard so if you do too then try! You’ll usually be fine). 

3. In regards to quality of fic, there’s definitely is a lot of amazing stuff out there, and that’s overwhelming. But you gotta know, there’s a lot of bad stuff too. I hate to say it, because it’s the nice thing to say all fic is good, but the reality is that’s not true. Your fic may not be the best (hey it may be damn amazing I haven’t seen it xD), but there’s a damn good chance it’s not going to be the worst either. Say to yourself this fic isn’t terrible, it’s fine. Your quality will improve over time anyway when you grow as a writer (Lord forbid there’s stuff from a year ago I published and I’m like… why did I do that…but that brings me to the next point).

4. SOMEBODY WILL LOVE YOUR FIC, I GUARANTEE THIS. I didn’t know this at first but learnt it quickly and have to remind myself EVERY TIME. Even if, later, you’re going “oh god that fic was a dumb idea”, there will be someone, at some point, who will have loved it and enjoyed it and wished there was more. It may just be one or two people but goddammit your audience is always gonna start small, and if it stays that way it will always be worth it for someone (that someone can be yourself too!). The best feeling is when somebody gets excited from your updates (HUGE reason why people should leave comments if they love a fic, because there’s a lot of people who are passive readers even when they love love LOVE a fic & just leave a kudos, definite issue. But I hope as a fandom we can not be like that?).

5. Your writing is not going to be perfect to you, it’ll never be perfect, you’ll be sure there’s a way something could be written better, but maybe you don’t know how to make it better (especially if you don’t have a beta!). I never expect fics, when I go in to read them, to be perfect. No writer is perfect, even properly published writers. You’re going to have to tell yourself it’s the best you can do RIGHT NOW for THIS fic. Put it through an editing program maybe if it’ll make you feel better (I use prowritingaid sometimes?) or leave the fic and go through it later. It’s gonna be fine.

6. Don’t expect much at first. Sometimes first fics can be very successful for people, but there’s a shit-ton of people where this doesn’t happen and it takes a while. When I first put fics up on AO3 they only got less than 10 kudos or something? You will eventually write something that a lot of people may love, but it can take a while. I think… well I’ll give you an example with the Star Wars fandom– I first wrote TFA & Kylux on AO3 before The Force Awakens had even come out, so obviously I didn’t get a lot of attention. When the movie came out, there was few fanfics but I was already there so a lot of people would read my fics (dunno if they liked them, but since they were some of the ONLY ones that existed they didn’t have much choice ;P). If you’re writing fics in a growing fandom you might be more likely get more attention later on your fics, if only because there’s few choices. Some of my fics still have barely any kudos, but I have nearly 60 fics and they’re gonna be a hit or a miss (& they eventually gather more kudos overtime, so even the worst fics have at least a few). With Jarchie, I was actually surprised I got as many as I did, but this fandom’s in the process of growing and I assume a lot of people are reading all the new fics?? It’s probably good for you actually, to right now put a fic when people are reading it and into it. 

6. It gets easier. Man, I ain’t even kidding, the first time I was putting up a fic I was freaking out like mad, going back and forth between the tag, mouse hovering over the publish button, re-reading a billion and ten times. It was ~kinda~ easier in a fandom where nobody was reading the fics because you definitely don’t expect much, but there were a couple of people who definitely enjoyed the series I was writing once I’d put some stuff up. And as time went on, it got much more easier. There’s a huge gap of time I didn’t put any fics up and it was hard to update again, but now that I did it, it’s once again easier to do it. I still have internal battles with myself over it, but it’s quicker to get over it and much easier to win. 

7. I forgot a note so I’m just gonna add it quickly. But if you’re really weird about it, you can first send it to a friend to look over, or a mutual or something. Or, since I myself never could do that, just tell someone about the idea– and I suggest telling someone you know won’t make a negative comment about it. Sometimes a “that sounds interesting” or “that sounds cool” can be even a little helpful. If you’re lucky, might even go a long way.

Honestly, my mind goes through a whole lot of panic, and sometimes it just takes a good mental day, and some excitement about the concept of my fic, to be able to be brave enough to finally put something up. I usually have low expectations when I share it (being a pessimistic person by nature, so as not to disappoint myself), but I’m like… somebody’s gonna like it at some point, it’s not the worst fic I’ve ever seen, it’ll be okay. And if a fic doesn’t do well, then you just need to put it behind and move on (repress memories haha). Leave it up, don’t take it down, somebody may eventually come across it and love it, but there’s no harm done having fics that don’t do well. It might just be that it’s not gonna appeal to most people, and that’s okay.

At the end of the day your fic’s gonna be okay. There’s a bunch of amazing, unique, horrendously weird, terrible, awful fics out there and the last thing you need to feel is awkward. I know this ended up being a monster of an essay but I hope it’s helped, even a little.

tl;dr? No need to feel awkward, sit yo ass down and just fuckin’ do it. Shit’s crazy.