#sorry pat but sometimes i wanna grab this guy & shake him like a magic 8 ball

[somereaderinblue]

GEE ACHILLES, I WONDER, WHAT WILL HECTOR DO TO YOU!?!?

[ask-marcus-cally-and-ari]

Only Human

Chapter 13: Help and Who Gives It

The ragtag group had hidden in the next city over, taking a well-deserved rest. They rested so much that it took repeated knocks on the van door to wake them up. Marcus groaned and got up groggily. “G-Go away, Cally, I’m tryna sleep...” 

“Wha...?” Cally mumbled, sitting up. “I was asleep.” 

Marcus jerked his head up and looked around. “Wha - If that’s not you, then who’s knocking?” 

“I... I dunno. Get your handgun ready,” Cally said, slowly walking up to the door to look and see who was there. 

On the other side was a RED Sniper, dressed in strange, camo-like attire. Cally closed her eyes, looking through the information she’d seen from HECU’s database. P_ss Cakehole was the Freak who matched this one's description, and he was a very, very hostile Freak. 

“Marcus, wake up Spyper. We may need him.” 

“Who’s at the door?” 

“P*ss Cakehole. A very hostile Freak.” 

“Wha - Why is he bothering us!?” 

“I don’t know. Heck, I don’t even know why he isn’t shoving a saw through the van door.” 

“WHAT!?” 

“Yeah... please get Spyper.” 

Marcus proceeded to run to the front of the van to get the hybrid Freaks’ attention. “Spyper! Spyper, wake up! P_ss Cakehole is LITERALLY knocking on the front door!” 

“Nghhh... Wake me up when the pancakes are ready, Mommy,” Spyper mumbled drowsily. 

“SPYPER!” Marcus screamed, shaking the Freak by his shoulders. 

“EJFGHFEFHREWKEDFMV! WHAT’S GOING ON?!” 

“P_SS CAKEHOLE IS AT THE FRONT DOOR!” 

Spyper jumped in shock. “WHAT?!” 

“FRONT DOOR! NOW!” 

Spyper nodded and teleported behind P*ss, and Cally was treated to a view of two Freaks having a knock-down, drag-out fight. 

“This is not what I wanted to wake up to at 8 in the morning,” Marcus complained, watching the two Freaks go at it outside. 

It didn’t take long for P*ss to start wrestling Spyper. “I didn’t come here to hurt the little twerps, let me go!” 

“Then what are you here for!?” 

“I’m here because I wanna help!” 

“...The hell are you talking about?” 

“Let me in and I’ll tell you.” 

Spyper let Cakehole go and got to his feet, glaring at the Freak. “If this is some kind of trick…” 

“No trick, I swear.” 

Spyper walked around Cakehole and opened the van door, still glaring at him. “I’m holding you to that.” 

Marcus pointed a gun out the door, right at Cakehole’s head. “Hey. Sorry about this, but you can never be too careful.” 

“Now what do you want? You never show up ‘just to help.’” 

“Can we tie him up first?” Marcus asked. “I’d feel way more comfortable.” 

Spyper tilted his head towards Cakehole with a shrug. “Sorry, we gotta.” 

Five minutes later, P_ss was tied to a chair with a sh_t-eating grin on his face and the business end of Marcus’s gun rested against his head, Marcus himself behind the Sniper. 

“Alright, spill it.” 

“Well, the main thing is, I’m bored, and you guys are being hunted. It looks like fun.” 

“...That’s it?” 

“That’s it. I get to entertain myself, you get help.” 

“...No tricks?” 

“No tricks.” 

Spyper squinted. “Why do I not trust you?” 

“Because we don’t get along. But you need me.” 

“For what?” 

Marcus glared. "Yeah. We've been doing just fine by ourselves." 

“Boy, you got your a$$ whooped yesterday,” Cally frowned. 

"And I'm still alive." 

“Barely.”

“You got into a fight with ol’ Brutal, eh?” P_ss remarked, looking back at Marcus. 

"Yeah. And isn't he your homie? How do I know he didn't send you here to give us that work?" 

“Because I hate ‘em. Brutal and me ain’t friends by a long shot.” 

"What happened?" 

“He went after you. And I don’t get near kids when it comes to my carving collection, so I certainly don’t want anyone else doing anything similar. That’s the other reason I’m here.” 

"So this is a case of evil having standards?" 

P_ss shrugged. “I guess so.” 

Marcus crossed his arms. "Give me one good reason not to throw you out on your *ss." 

“Because I see stone in your eyes. And in her eyes,” P_ss said, tilting his head to Cally. “And I wanna hurt the guy who put it there.” 

Marcus locked eyes with P*ss. "Can you?" 

P_ss met Marcus’ steely gaze. “I’m P_ss f_cking Cakehole. Of course I can.” 

Marcus turned to Cally, who turned to Spyper. 

“He can,” Spyper nodded. “I’ve seen him put Brutal on his a$$ several times.” 

"In that case, welcome to the… whatever the f*ck we're gonna call ourselves. We'll introduce you to Ari when he wakes up. Hurt or intimidate them and you die." 

“I wouldn’t dream of it, kid.” 

~~~ 

As hours passed, Marcus began to grow tired of being on the road for so long. Or rather, sky.

“How much longer until HECU? I thought you said it wasn’t far! And Ari really needs some medical attention!”

“I know! I’m going as fast as I can without being noticed by other Freaks!”

Ari was talking to P*ss. “So how old are you?”

“44,” P*ss shrugged. “It’s hard to keep up sometimes when you don’t even have a calendar.” 

Marcus huffed. “You look the part,” he said, cleaning his gun. “How long you been a Freak? And how’d it happen?” 

“Honestly, I can’t even remember. Just that I’ve been one for awhile.” 

“So,” Ari said, “how come you and Mr. Brutal are enemies? Is it just because he wants to hurt us?” 

“Eh, me and him have never really gotten along all that well.” 

“I thought Snipers got along. Respect for the job or something.” 

“Nah. He barely counts as a Sniper with how up close he likes to fight.” 

Marcus shrugged. “He and I agree there. Always satisfying to deck an *sshole who’s been all up in your grill.” 

Cally glanced out of the van’s back window and noticed a clearing coming up on the road, a chapel standing at the end of the path. “Wait, where are we?”

“Pit stop. This is where one of our friends live,” Spyper said, hopping out of the front seat. “If you need to use the bathroom or grab something to eat, do it now.” 

“Hey, this is Christian Pure Spy’s chapel,” Cally frowned. 

Ari whimpered. “I-Isn’t he dating Mr. Brutal?” he asked, hugging Marcus’s arm. 

“He is, but he’s never home at this time of day,” Intelligent assured, stepping out of the van. “The place should be empty.” 

Marcus nodded. “I’ll keep my gun ready. Just in case.” 

The trio of Freaks and the trio of teens stepped out of the van and headed inside the chapel, which did appear to be completely vacant. The lights were switched off and the church was eerily silent. 

“Alright, this place is clear. Get everything you need to do out of the way and let’s get going.” 

Marcus nodded, heading to find some medical supplies and ammo. Entering the kitchen, Marcus rummaged around the cabinets and drawers in search of whatever he could scrounge together. Bandages, antibiotics, painkillers, anything he could use to stave off the pain and potential infection of Ari’s wound. 

A search he immediately forgot upon hearing something shift behind him. Swiftly spinning around, Marcus had his gun drawn in seconds. However, he lacked a target. All that was behind him was a thin veil of sparkling blue smoke hanging in the air. 

"I swear I saw..."  Marcus lowered his gun ever so slightly and looked back and forth in search of whatever had made the noise. What he found instead was a trail of more sparkling smoke leading out of the kitchen and back into the nave of the chapel. 

"F*CK THAT!" Marcus cried, running for the nearest window. 

“Hey, HEY! The hell are you doing!?” A voice cried out, and the sparkling smoke suddenly reached out and grabbed Marcus, pulling him back to the floor mid-leap. 

Marcus wasted no time, grabbing his gun. "BREAK YOSELF, FOOL! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME RIGHT NOW-" 

“HEY! Calm down!” The keeper of the voice yelped, and Marcus was both dumbfounded and terrified to find himself staring at what looked like a 14th century court jester, complete with the jingling hat and the frills about the neck, wrists, and ankles. 

"AW, HELL NAH, THIS SOME PENNYWISE SH_T!" Marcus screamed, promptly decking the jester in the face, which made a bizarre squeaking noise on impact before the clown hit the floor.

“OW! You know, even though that doesn’t injure me, that still hurts!” 

"Good! Get on the ground now!" 

“What the hell is going on in here!?” Spyper shouted, running into the kitchen with his kukri drawn. “Where’s the danger!?” 

Marcus glared at the figure. "Here. Who's this bozo?" 

“What the-” Spyper let out a sigh of relief and lowered his knife. “Oh, that’s just Count Jester. They’re a friend.” 

"...they are?" 

Jester nodded in response and leapt to their feet. “That I am!”

“They are,” Spyper confirmed, holstering his kukri. “Sorry if they scared you. I know not everyone is comfortable with clowns.”

“Jesters,” Jester clarified. 

"...explain, please." 

“How I’m friends with them?” Spyper asked. 

“Yeah. And just… this.” 

“Eh?” Jester tilted their head. 

“This. All this.” 

Jester looked down at themself and shrugged. “Blame the Jar for that.” 

“Jar?” 

Jester reached under their hat and produced a golden idol with a ruby heart set into it. “Long story short: I used to be a normal human, I got sealed inside this thing, and it's magic turned me into this.” 

“Uh...” Marcus stepped back. 

“That is a severely abridged version of events. We’d be here all day unpacking what went down,” Spyper clarified. 

“And we can’t risk that.” 

“No. Anyways, Count Jester here is completely harmless and wouldn’t hurt you even if they wanted to. They lack any and all offensive capabilities.”

“You can also blame the Jar for that,” Jester added. 

Marcus slowly put the gun back. “Okay then...” 

“I know, it sounds really weird, but being weird is my entire existence now.”

“What’s going on!? Who’s in danger!?” Cally shouted, running into the kitchen with a bat, Ari following close behind.

“Ah, it’s alright! Mostly,” Marcus shouted back, raising a hand to his friends. “It was just a clown.” Then he turned to Jester. "Sorry for almost blowing your head off."

“Eh, it’s alright. I can just reattach my limbs at will.”

“...Anyways,” Spyper cleared his throat. “Jester, this is Marcus, Cally, and Ari. You’ve probably seen Marcus before since a lot of people recorded his and Brutals brawl a few days ago.” 

"MOTHERFU-" 

“Easy, Marcus,” Ari said, patting him on the back. 

"Sorry. Just on edge." 

“Wait, that was you Brutal was fighting?” Jester quizzed. 

"Yeah. And I got my _ss handed to me." 

“It’s actually why we’re currently on the run. Ari got hurt in the fight,” Spyper explained, motioning to the layers of bandages wrapped around Ari’s torso. 

Ari frowned. "It's not that bad, really." 

“We ran out of bandages in the van,” Spyper deadpanned. 

"But I'm alive and I can walk…?" 

“And you’re still hurt!” Jester cried. “Poor thing, that’s a really nasty injury. You’d need a full team of doctors to get this thing treated properly.” 

"And even then, Brutal doesn't seem to take good care of his weapons. A bad enough infection from the rust could kill her in half the time a surgery could take," Cally added. 

“Well, it’s a good thing I’m here, then!” Jester grinned. “I’ve got an infirmary with the best team of doctors on the planet. Come on, I’ll take you there!” 

Marcus frowned. "Where is this place?" 

“It’s Jesterland! A pocket dimension I created!” 

“Oh, HELL nah! A pocket dimension you completely created? You could subtract us from the human population and no one would find our bodies!” 

“Now just calm down, I’ve been to Jesterland. It’s physically impossible to get hurt in there,” Spyper assured. 

“...you’re sure?” 

“Yes, I’m sure. The entire dimension is basically one giant amusement park and petting zoo.” 

Marcus sighed. “...listen here. I’m trusting you on this. I find anything fishy or they do anything to us and it’s a wrap. Got it?” 

“Understood,” Spyper nodded. “Alright Jester, do your magic!”

Jester grinned and rubbed their hands together, sparkling smoke building up around their hands and arms. When the smoke had covered their arms completely, they tossed it over the Trio and the Freaks and snapped their fingers. In an instant, everyone was whisked away from the chapel and were sent tumbling through a tunnel of light that descended downwards at a breakneck pace. 

“MOTHERF*****CKEEEEEER!” 

“It’s ok, this happens all the time!” Spyper shouted. “We’re just in between dimensions right now!” 

“We’ll be in Jesterland in no time!” Jester called.

“YOU GUYS ARE FREAKS, NOT HUMAN! I’M NOT BUILT FOR FALLING!” 

Cally sighed. “This is gonna suck.” 

As they reached the end of the tunnel, a portal opened up beneath them and everyone soon found themselves falling from the skies of a giant amusement park that was enveloped in a brilliant glow. 

“Wow,” Ari beamed, so wrapped up in the sights that he didn’t even notice the bandages flying off their torso. 

Approaching the ground, Marcus frantically covered his face and braced himself for impact - which never came as a cloud of blue smoke enveloped him right before he hit the ground, and the smoke gently sat him down, completely unscathed. 

“Wh-” Marcus blinked rapidly and looked around, watching the rest of the Freaks and his friends being gently set onto the ground before Jester finally joined them, landing square on their feet. “How did you...” 

“Magic,” Jester grinned, blue sparkles flashing from their hands. 

“I... you know what? As long as you can help Ari I’m not gonna say sh*t.” 

“Great! Then let’s get going!” Jester shuffled past Marcus and headed towards a giant gateway. Clapping their hands thrice in succession, the gates creaked open and revealed the amusement park inside, which was even more brilliant and glowing than before. “Welcome to Jesterland! The greatest show not on Earth!” 

“Please don’t remind me of that. I’m compromising enough as it is.” 

“Someone’s paranoid,” P*ss sing-songed. At which point he was quickly smacked by Spyper. “Ow! What was that for?!” 

“Stop needling him.”

Heading into Jesterland proper, the Trio were met with an array of sights and sounds. Music seemed to play around every corner and the air was filled with the delicious scent of freshly baked cakes and pies. 

Marcus had his hands in his pockets, a guarded look in his eyes as he surveyed the area. 

“If you guys are hungry, help yourselves to whatever you like!” Jester said, gesturing to the many food stalls around them. “There’s plenty to go around!” 

Cally beamed. “This is so cool! Where are the brownies?” 

“The brownie and cookie stall is just to the left,” Jester said, pointing further down the street. 

“Thanks!” Cally ran off as a group of doctors gathered around Ari, leading him away. 

~~~ 

With Ari being treated, Marcus scouted out everything surrounding the Infirmary, still wary about Jester and their dimension. Jesterland looked bright and friendly, but the amusement park still gave Marcus a sense of unease even when it shouldn’t have. Even the bizarrely adorable creatures that called Jesterland home - the Funna - seemed dangerous to Marcus, even as one of them was purring and rubbing against his leg and another was asking for belly rubs. 

He touched the creature apprehensively, then pulled away like it would poison him if he touched it. But the critter simply squeaked, waving it’s nubby paws in the air playfully as it began to purr as well. Marcus tentatively reached down again, gently scratching the creature's belly.

“...this is too good to be true. It has to be.” 

“Hello again!” Jester called, floating up to Marcus with another creature in their arms. “I see you found some of my Funna.” 

“...what now?” 

“Funna,” Jester clarified, pointing to the creatures around Marcus. “My Funna. They’re all my creations.” 

“The f*ck.”

“Hey, you’re in Jesterland. This place is weird and whimsical by nature.” 

Marcus nodded apprehensively.

“Do you want to see the rest of Jesterland?” 

“...maybe.”

Jester sighed and set down the Funna in their arms. “Do you wanna talk? I know you guys haven’t had the best experiences with Freaks.” 

“Ladies and gentlemen, the understatement of the year goes to...” Marcus sharpened his knife. “You know, just two weeks ago I was the star athlete in my school. Captain of the football team, baseball team, and basketball team, and I had the highest swimming stats to boot. Now I’m practically a fugitive.”

“Yeah, I was talking to Spyper about that. I’m really sorry you and your friends had to go through all that.” 

“Heh… It sucked, I’ll tell you that.” 

“Sorry…” Jester wrung their hands together, then turned their gaze to the sky as a gale force wind suddenly slammed down over the streets. Looking up, Marcus’s jaw nearly dropped to the ground as an impossibly colossal amber dragon swooped overhead, riding on a pair of wings adorned in golden feathers. 

“What’s that? WHAT’S THAT?!” Marcus screamed, frantically reaching for his weapon.

“Wait, WAIT! Calm down, that’s just Ray! I can assure you that she’s not gonna hurt you!” 

“THAT DRAGON HAS TO BE AT LEAST FIFTY TIMES MY SIZE-” 

“Actually she’s more like, 200 times your size-” Jester paused, then remembered their situation when Marcus’s hand went instinctively for his weapon. “But that isn’t important because she’s friendly! That’s High Empress Ray. Mother of Quetzcoo’s and Crown Jewel of Jesterland. She wouldn’t dream of hurting you or anyone else.” 

“You don’t reach such a position of power as Empress by not being able to clap anyone you want,” Marcus hissed, glaring at Jester. 

Jester remained silent for a moment, their eyes darting around. “I mean…” 

“So yeah, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna get Cally and Ari and get the f_ck outta this place before Big_ss Dragon up there decides I should have an immediate board meeting with my ancestors,” Marcus said, getting up. 

“Wait, hang on! Ray is empress of this place because she’s second-in-command. And because she’s the only one here who can actually fight. But I assure you, she’s not gonna hurt you. She’s like a giant mom for everyone here.” 

“On your mama?” 

“...I don’t know if you’re being rhetorical or not because she’s literally modelled after my mom.” 

“Oh. Uh... in my neighborhood, if you put something on your mama it’s one of the highest forms of promise or assurance you can give. You essentially promise that what you’re saying is true or something bad can happen to her, and you love her enough to not lie.” 

“Oh. Well, then yeah, I swear on my mama. Quite literally.” 

Marcus nodded. “...alright. I’m trusting you.” 

Jester smiled and whistled up to Ray as she landed nearby. “Hey, Ray! Come say hello!”

Marcus paled and clenched his fists instinctively when the colossal amber dragon turned her attention to him and Jester and craned her massive head down to their level. She was so impossibly large that Marcus was barely the size of a single feather on her head. 

Marcus, being the sensible and somewhat paranoid person the previous couple weeks had turned him into, made the logical decision to deal with this turn of events. “Nope. F*ck this. I’m out.” 

“Wait. I’m not going to hurt you,” a gentle voice called out, one that was startlingly calm and quiet for such a large creature. 

“Wh-”

“I’m Ray. You must be Marcus.”

“Yes...?” 

“Sorry for startling you. Sometimes I forget about my own size.” 

Marcus took a breath. “I probably woulda been startled anyway. You know, because fugitive.”

“What a shame,” Ray churred. “A pity. You and your friends having to run from something that was forced upon you.” 

Marcus nodded. “Yeah. And now we have to go stop what seems like a good idea at the start. Well, we don’t have to, but we’re gonna do it anyway because they asked for it by attacking us.” 

“What!? That’s terrible!” 

“Yep. Because for some reason we’re the only ones who can stop the plan we would barely have noticed or pawned off to people who didn’t have the right qualifications if we’d just been left to our own devices. Cally was gonna go to the cops with what she knew initially.” 

“What you are facing is serious. I take it that your friends have been heading to HECU for help,” Ray said, tilting her head to Intelligent and Spyper. “HECU was built to handle unnatural threats, after all.” 

“Yeah. And every time we stopped at a town, our pals were there to greet us. Though I learned that I can feel people’s presence when they’re not even touching me because my sense of touch is just that good, so there’s that.” 

“That’s why it’s taking us forever to actually get there,” Spyper added, setting down a drink he’d picked up from one of the food stalls. “Brutal and his little posse keep chasing us around and I can barely keep the van on course because of it.” 

“You’d think he’d bring more heavy hitters,” Marcus said. “Hasn’t he got some friends in high- well, high in the evil motherf*cker world- places?” 

Jester huffed. “I still can’t believe Brutal is going after you. You guys are kids!” 

“Yeah. I mean, I tricked him into getting close enough with his guard down that I could put two in him, but still! I was scared, the f*ck did he want me to do?!” 

“Why is he even going after you? He’d never go after kids like this before now.” 

“He wants the plan to work. And it was a good premise; every kid’s dream. But we’re apparently too big of a risk.” 

“What even is this plan? And why is Brutal in on it?”

“Wait, Jester? You haven’t heard about any of this?” Spyper looked surprised as he turned to Jester. “It’s pretty much all we’ve been able to focus on for the past few days.” 

Intelligent nodded. “It’s been the gossip of the Freak community. I didn’t believe it until Spyper and I met those three off an edge. Cally had a nasty bump on her head.” 

“Unless you’ve had your head stuck in the parties around here, there’s no way you haven’t heard of it,” Spyper nodded.

“Well...No, I haven’t. I mean, Polite told me a few days ago that Brutal was going after a few people, and I was hoping he wasn’t going after you kids, but that’s about it.” 

Intelligent tilted his head. “You need to come to the bar more. We gather there to talk about the times and it’s a ceasefire.” 

“You guys know I don’t like gossiping,” Jester groused. “Anyways, I had no idea Brutal was in on any kind of plan. What even is the ‘plan?’” 

Intelligent opened his mouth to reply, then froze. “Wait. Where’s Marcus?” 

“He left while you were talking,” Ray said. 

“When has he ever been quiet enough to sneak off?!” 

“Marcus! MARCUS!” Spyper shouted, scanning the immediate area for any sign of the teenager. “He was just in front of us, how did he disappear so quickly!?” 

Marcus, for his part, had made record time across Jesterland to find Cally, who was in line for a ride. “Cal! You okay?” 

“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine. Just waiting to get on the Teacups,” She replied, motioning to the ride she was waiting to board. “You ok? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” 

“I... I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” She smiled, patting Marcus’ arm. “Hey, you can relax here for the time being. This place has got everything. We can loosen up a bit before we hit the road again.” 

“Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t help but feel something off.” 

“We’re in a giant amusement park made by a glorified clown,” Cally remarked. “It’s gonna feel a bit off just because of that. Especially since you’re afraid of clowns.” 

“IT scared the sh*t outta me, thank you very much!” 

“Like I said, scared of clowns,” Cally snickered. 

“Girl who freaked out at Child’s Play says what?” 

Cally proceeded to smack Marcus on the arm. 

“Chill with that. Better sense of touch.” 

“Right, sorry. Uh...So, have you heard from the Infirmary yet? Jester said they should be out in a few minutes.” 

“No. You don’t think Ari was poisoned or didn’t make it, do you?” 

“No, of course not. Believe me, I checked around his room before she was admitted. There’s nothing dangerous in there.” 

Marcus nodded. 

“Come on, we can go check on them just to make sure.”