#sorry it's almost six in the morning and i just binged all four episodes but i just need to post this then go to bed

[taviacoolcat]

colin: and what if i did have feelings for you?

penelope:

[leilabeaux]

Luck Be a Lady

Chapter Four

Masterlist | One Two Three

Pairing: Alex x Reader

Word Count: 2161

Summary: Reader has some regrets and she learns something new about Alex.

Warnings: None

Author’s Note:  And this is where I leave you. ::tips hat and rides off into the sunset:: On a real note, sorry for the lack of updates. Work and personal life has been hectic and wearing your girl down.

----

The bright lights of the Vegas Strip illuminated the living room enough that you didn’t bother turning on any lights as you left your bedroom. Now dressed down in your worn-out, oversized hoodie and pajama shorts, you walked over to the wet bar and pulled a bottle of vodka down from the shelf, not caring how overpriced it was. You thought about grabbing a glass but instead shrugged and took a swig straight from the bottle.

Settling on the wide marble ledge, you looked past your reflection in the window to peer down at the sparse traffic on the streets. You felt so physically drained after all the tears you’ve shed. You rubbed your bare face in embarrassment, mortified over letting all your emotions get in the way and ruining what was otherwise a nice evening.

Now that you weren’t in the middle of a panic attack, you regretted reacting too quickly when you told Alex to leave. You wished you could have him come back or at least text him so you could explain yourself but you two never took a moment to exchange numbers. Not like it would make much of a difference anyway, you were sure he was grateful to get some distance away from your crazy ass.

You didn’t bother looking over when you heard the door unlock and open. The clicking of heels confirmed it was your best friend doing her walk of shame, or stride of pride as she lovingly called it. 

“So I didn’t see any sign of your Lover Boy when I snuck out of Marco’s room,” Bianca teased. You could hear her plop down onto the couch and then soft thuds of what you assumed were her shoes being dropped on the floor. “Is he here? Did you wear him out? Why are we sitting in the fucking dark?”

Light had filled the room after she clicked on a lamp. Although you were no longer crying, you knew your red, puffy eyes would give you away when you turned to look at her.

“Oh my god! What the fuck happened?” She rushed over to join you on the ledge. “What did that fucker do?”

“He didn’t do anything,” you gave a small smile, trying to put her worries to rest but as all the emotions from the night went through you again, you couldn’t stop your eyes from welling up.

Bianca wrapped her arms around you, comforting you until you were ready to talk. Her hand rubbed your back as you softly sniffled into her shoulder.

“What happened, sweetie? Are you sure he didn’t do anything? Because I won’t hesitate to put my shoes back on and kick his ass if I need to.” 

“No, Alex was sweet and a total gentleman the entire night. So you can calm down with all of that.” You pulled away from her, drying your face with the back of your sleeve before giving her a quick run through of your night.  “We were kissing and everything was good and...I don’t know. It felt familiar.”

“Familiar how?”

“It was like being with Trevor again. I know him and Alex couldn’t be anymore different but it somehow felt the same. And then all I could think of was him and how much I missed him. I just felt guilty like I was cheating on him.”

Bianca shook her head as she took your hand in hers. “Y/N, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Trevor's been gone for almost two years now. It’s perfectly fine to move on whether if it’s a relationship or just sex. I know he would want you to be with someone who makes you happy.”

“It still feels too soon, maybe I’m not ready to be with anyone. Ugh, as if being with Alex would be possible especially after I freaked out on him,” you clasped your hand on your forehead, grimacing over that memory. “And I basically told him I was married.”

“What? Why?” Bianca looked at you like you were crazy.

“He saw my ring and asked how long I was married. So I told him eight years.” It technically wasn’t a lie. You had been married for about eight years before a deputy stood at your doorstep, telling you that your husband would never be returning home. “You know I hate the pitiful look people give me when they hear I’m a widow. And I thought it would be easier to push him away if I pretended that I was a faithful wife. But fuck, man,  I couldn’t even keep that up!”

“It’s not too late to tell him all of this. I think I might remember what room they’re staying in.”

“Okay, even if he doesn’t think I’m crazy after all of that, I don’t think me and him would work. He’s young and I barely had the patience to deal with Trevor when he was that age. And he doesn’t even live in this country,” you tried to reason with her and maybe with your heart.

“Okay, he’s young and he doesn’t go here. So what?”

“I just think getting into a long distance relationship after losing your husband is a disaster.”

“Or it could be something beautiful. I’m sorry, Y/N. But if this boy could give even a fraction of happiness that Trevor gave you, then I’m all for it.”

You gnawed on your lip as you considered what she was telling you. You were too scared to take the risk. You were convinced that it would only end in heartbreak and you weren’t sure if you had enough strength to deal with another one of those again.

“I think I’m just too tired to deal with any of this right now...or ever.” You turned toward the window, staring at your worn down reflection. Definitely too damn tired.

——

The snow outside of your kitchen window was coming down hard and didn't show any signs of stopping. You sighed to yourself while emptying the remainder of the wine bottle into your glass, silently praying that you wouldn’t find yourself snowed in in the morning.

You sat on the couch, pulling the cozy throw up to your chin and trying to get comfortable while your lovable dog and cat duo, Dallas and Leeloo, were busy fighting over the spot next to you. Unfortunately for the young feline, it seemed like the elder Labrador was coming out to be the winner.

You sipped on your wine as you scrolled through Hulu for something to distract you from your headache of a night—your first and definitely last Tinder date. 

You had spent twenty embarrassing minutes waiting for your date to return after he excused himself to the restroom. There was no devastation on your part. You didn’t feel the same chemistry in person that you had over messages but you were willing to at least wish him a good night like a decent person. You deleted the app on your way out, already convinced that nothing good would be coming from it.

You weren’t even mad at this guy. All of your annoyance was aimed at Bianca who had spent the last six months encouraging—nagging and begging—you to go out and start dating. She claimed that it was officially time for you to start moving on but you suspected she just wanted you to see how wrong you were for letting the potential Mr. Right in Vegas get away.

You’d never tell her but she was right and you didn’t need a string of bad or mediocre dates to find that out. The nights you used to spend in bed wondering how life would be if Trevor was still alive were now spent thinking of what could have been with Alex. From the small amount of time you spent with him, you knew he would be the caring, supportive boyfriend who’d hang on every word you said and whisper into your ear to ease any of your self doubts and do anything to make you smile.

You had tried to search for him with the very minimal details you knew about him, during one very lonely night spent with a bottle of whiskey, but none of the Copenhagen based photographers named Alex turned out to be the one you were looking for. It shouldn’t have been too shocking but your drunk self still took it a bit hard, spending part of the night lying on the kitchen floor and crying into Dallas’s fur.

You gave up on finding something uplifting to watch and settled with the historical drama you had been slowly working your way through the past few months. You originally didn’t think a show about Vikings would be your cup of tea as you were more of a sucker for the period pieces with more extravagant, vibrant costumes but it came highly recommended by your Vegas fling. He said it was a pretty good show. After three seasons and nine episodes, he definitely wasn’t wrong.

You were down to the last ten minutes of the episode where Bjorn was going up to his brothers’ cabin. You had downed the rest of your glass only to spit it all out, your pets scurrying away to avoid the spray, when grown Ivar rolled over to show his face.

“What...the fuck?” You whispered to yourself as the scene cutaway. Your mouth hung open and your eyes were glued to the screen. 

“What the fuck?” You repeated again when you saw Marco on the screen next to Alex. “Why would they do that to his hair?”

As soon as the episode ended, you sat still with your brow furrowed. You went through all the conversations you had and didn’t remember him saying he was an actor nor that he starred in this “pretty good” show.

You grabbed your phone to do a quick google search of who played Ivar. Alex Høgh Andersen. This entire time you had access to his name. If only you had given in to your urge to binge watch the show in one sitting you would have had it sooner. 

You pulled up your Instagram and typed in his name. As you were about to click on his account, you quickly changed your mind and threw your phone next to you on the couch as if it scorched you. You weren’t seriously going to stalk this man on the internet, you were a whole grown woman who was definitely too mature to be drooling over some pictures. 

Getting up to get ready for bed, you left your phone where it was so it would be less of a temptation. But you found that you couldn’t help but stare at it through the mirror as you aggressively brushed your teeth. Your curiosity was beginning to get the best of you.

You quickly rinsed out your mouth and walked toward your couch but then turned around, shaking your head as you headed down the hall to your bedroom. Leeloo and Dallas sat next to each other in the living room, both looking down the hall and not bothering to follow as if certain you’d be back.

“I’m just going to look at a few pictures. Just see what he’s been up to,” you explained to no one when you returned for your phone. Standing in the middle of your living room, you looked through his posts from the funny videos to his beautiful photography. You thought maybe you spent too much time scrolling through when you found yourself unable to stop staring at his well defined arm as he hovered over a mattress.

It wouldn’t be too crazy if you sent him a message to catch up and see how he was doing. Or would it? What would you even say? “Hi, remember me? The woman you ate out in Vegas. You know the one who broke down before you got a chance to get it in? Oh, and remember how I said I was married? Surprise! I’m actually a widow and lied because I got scared over you being so into me and even more scared when I realized I may have felt the same.”

You kept going back and forth over what you should really say to him, typing one thing only to immediately delete it. Seemed like anything you wrote came out sounding awkward or just dumb.

“Hi, I’m not sure if you remember me? It’s Y/N. The baker you met in Vegas.” It was enough to start a conversation but would he think you’re only contacting him because you now knew he was an actor. Your thumb hovered over send as you contemplated your choice.

You looked up at the clock and sighed out loud. You couldn’t afford to waste anymore time on this unless you wanted to be a zombie when you went into work in the morning.

You brought your thumb down and hit send. Fuck it.

----

End Notes: This is the last chapter of this part but not the end of their story. So don’t be too mad at me. Will Alex read her message? Will they ever meet again? Does Reader need to tell Bianca that she was right? 

Tags: @castielsangelsx @xbellaxcarolinax​ @didiintheblog​ @jzr201​ @kaitieskidmore1​ @eroguroshoujo

[vestigialtext]

Euphorroria

[TW suicide, self-harm] 

Imagine you turn around there’s suddenly a perfectly circular swirling hole open in the floor, emanating a hazy purple glow and a kind of pulsing, reverb-drenched celestial siren song, like the single sickest shoegaze riff you’ve ever heard.

You think, huh, wow, that’s a pretty weird trip-hazard, and erect some cordons to stop anyone falling in. But you become fixated on the hole, staring in unblinking for hours. It’s curious, it’s beautiful, it’s sonically enchanting, it’s perfumed with a kind of partially floral, partially cardomomic, partially metallic scent which just encroaches on the sickly-sweet – but you still want a taste.

The hole, as it happens, is a portal to insanity.

This is how I experience hypomania; standing steady-of-foot behind the barrier, gazing at wonder to the insanity, hearing its call but keeping a safe distance.

Mania would see me leap the barrier, approach too close, and invariably slip in screaming.

Psychosis, meanwhile, would see me fall in, try to either fight it or fuck it, turn it inside out and prolapse it back through into rational reality, the fabric of which world begin to collapse as internal and external landscapes collide and splinter into one and other and I approach self-oblivion.

A full psychotic break has only happened twice in my lifetime, and frankly I’m lucky to be here writing this drivel – my second episode, nearly a decade ago, almost killed me and left me with almost impossible-to-comprehend scars I’ll bear for the rest of my life, scars invisible to the observer but forever altering my perception of the world, scars I’ve made peace with but which continue to niggle every day. Without getting deep into the nightmarish details, I tried – and, thank fuck, failed – to blind myself, resulting in bilateral scarred corneas which mean that, while my vision remains entirely functional and luckily unimpaired to any significant degree, I experience constant, curious aberrations, especially in low-light where the world melts into a sea of halos.

Importantly, I’m still alive. I very nearly leapt into the Thames on the morning of 10/03/2010, and not through depressive, I-can’t-bear-to-live anguish, but due to chasing immensely powerful delusions and hallucinations to the same place that almost cost me my sight. There’s a lot I’ve written and lot I will write about my experiences of psychosis – particularly re the corrupted internal logic that catalysed much of my bizarre, life-ruining behaviour in 2003 and 2010 – but not here, not now.

Mania, the losing control of my inhibitions and tripping headfirst into hyperactive chaos, has occurred three times in my life, but only progressed through to psychosis twice. I had my first (and to date, only quickly-controlled) manic episode age 16, following a few months as an inpatient at an adolescent psychiatric in Newcastle (remember when the NHS used to offer those kind of services lol). Up until that point, I had been being treated for major depression, which was my diagnosis until the mania emerged. I don’t quite remember the specifics – I celebrated the 20th anniversary of my bipolar 1 diagnosis last month – but one day it seems the depressive fog suddenly cleared and my mind, robbed of feel-good shit for so long, lurched as far as it could in the opposite direction as some kind of bizarre compensatory push.

Perhaps the flip was inevitable, perhaps it was triggered by a chemical predisposition to mania plus guzzling down combinations of all the anti-depressant variants that could be feasibly prescribed for the preceding three months. Who can say. Whatever the case, suddenly I was bouncing around the hospital halls like Sonic the Hedgehog, talking borderline-gibberish garbage incessantly, getting back deep into abandoned A-level art projects and attempting to start roughly 1,000 extracurricular projects simultaneously. The doctors quickly took notice, brought me down with lithium and revised my diagnosis.

Hypomania, (literally “below mania”), is something I experience on average a few times a year, hitting in waves, usually with a clear trigger. It’s a glimpse at the maelstrom of insanity without actually dipping a toe. Delusional ideas can creep into my head, but I can analyse and dismiss them rationally with a firm “No.” I now have enough insight and experience of my own sensations and mood pattern recognition to usually ward off a manic episode, typically with self-seclusion and/or self-management, sometimes with medication. Zopiclone, a sedative, has proven to be something of a magic bullet at sniping down incoming mania, so I try to keep a stash handy – I popped one Saturday gone just to try and keep the train on the rails after barely sleeping for two weeks straight.

After accepting I was an alcoholic six years ago, I’ve gone entirely teetotal, and that itself has greatly improved my ability to monitor myself, to try and regulate my own mood – previously, I’d (technically binge)-drink more or less every single day, and drown out any troublesome hypomanic episode with even more booze, remaining entirely functional (if prone to starting each day with a big purging sick and then having a couple of practically clockwork spew breaks at work) until my liver and my nervous system started wildly red-flagging at the sheer relentless demands I was asking of them, the perpetual nature of my misguided self-medication, so I decided to stop dead drinking or risk further ruining my health.

Without in any way wishing to belittle or underestimate the impact of the disease (severe, bulk-of-a-year depression episodes have also nearly killed me) I feel like depression is something even people who don’t suffer from mental health problems can at least begin to comprehend, can take a stab at imagining the experience. Perhaps not the depths – the eroding, claustrophobic mental space, the glimmer of hope on the horizon disappearing into darkness, all sensory input turning to a grey mush, the head-in-a–tomb depersonalisation – but most people can relate to being “sad”, most people have experienced tragedy at some point in their lives. Hypomania, however, is a trickier prospect to explain. But I’ll try.

I can’t speak for others who experience the condition, but in my case, hypomania manifests itself across my whole physical, mental, emotional spectrum. Although other factors come into play, the biggest single trigger for me seems to be sleep deprivation. It’s no news that circadian rhythms and bipolar disorder are intrinsically interlinked, and I have very real first-hand experience. As a shiftworker (occasional nightshift worker) who lives on the opposite side of London to my office and has a four-month old daughter, my current sleep hygiene is pretty... ropey to say the least, so I’m trying to be extra vigilant. A few nights back-to-back of little sleep (I’m talking a hour or two, at the best of times my sleep is shit anyway and five hours is a good stint) I can often feel my mood changing gears.

Simply put, when I’m hypomanic, the world is a more engaging place; more detail fills the cracks, more edges pique my interest. All of my senses sharpen up – my vision becomes cleaner, brighter, more vivid, sound seemingly has additional frequency space, imperceptible before. My senses of smell and taste overwhelm me, aromas become intoxicating and normal food takes on gourmet qualities. My energy level skyrockets without any additional external input; I have much more impetus, enthusiasm about life, work, whatever. I can literally feel my mind starting to function differently – but not necessarily more efficiently – taking shortcuts, randomly accessing memories in remarkable detail without any prompt. I can think faster, but with less focus; I’m more distractible and will happily shoot off on wild tangents with complete disregard for my goal. Depending on circumstances at home or work, hypomania is a mixed bag – any lethargy is dispelled and my agency and job satisfaction is heightened, but I might, say, approach 20 tasks simultaneously when sequentially would be more rational.

Depending on social context, I expend varyingly extreme amounts of effort to varying degrees of success attempting to mask a hypomanic episode. You know how your body never really “heals”, and scurvy horrifyingly opens up old scars and shit? That’s kind of what my ever-simmering mental illness feels like when i’m consistently deprived of sleep for whatever reason, the cracks start appearing and it kinda seeps out a bit lol. I am well aware my hypomanic demeanour and delivery can alarm people, and I do try really, really, really hard to suppress things or if absolutely required, just remove myself from situations where a lasting, detrimental opinion could be formed. I am also fully aware I can become borderline intolerable to my long-suffering and remarkably patient wife, and I try to mitigate the condition’s impact on domesticity, again, only ever partially-successfully (sorry, Kate). On any given day, high, low, or creamy middle, I’d estimate around about 90% of my effort is put towards just trying to appear normal to others, trying to blend in. I imagine many other mentally ill people are broadly intolerant to open-plan hotdesking (not to mention the insatiable clock-in-and-hit-marks demands of capitalism).

I can physically feel my body “running hotter” when I’m hypomanic, like an overclocked CPU frazzling on a motherboard; headaches spark quickly if I don’t drink enough water. I’m not especially clued up on chemical synthesis of naturally-occurring hormones etc. but I kinda get the impression hypomania is little like organic, high-on-your-own-supply MDMA.

Hypomania seems to foster within me a deeper connection to and longing to revisit all of my favourite music, art, writing, films, games, people – chiefly, I go on obsessive listening binges of records I adore. As I mentioned earlier, my hearing changes when I’m hypomanic – songs sound better, richer, more punchy. One of my fondest ever memories of mental illness (sadly ruined by slipping into psychosis shortly afterwards) was walking around out at night listening to My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless on shitty earbuds via a Spotify stream and still hearing subtle elements blossoming from the mix I’d never clocked before; layers of what sounded like processed flutes fluttering under the wall of guitars, gentle tonal ebs and flows, what seemed to be entire hidden tracks I was only just tuning in to, a secret sound world unveiled.

This might well just be wild conjecture, but I like to think maybe some bands – the bands who “get it” – deliberately bury this audio information deep within the mix, only to be decoded by specific mental setups, be they drug-indicted or naturally, hormonally occurring, breadcrumb trails left in the studio production as a little nod by whoever put the music together that they understand the confusion, the dislocation and alienation of mental illness, something extra beyond the lyrics. It might well be bullshit but it brings me great comfort. I’ve put together a playlist of some favourite tunes I suspect were written about hypomanic states, knowingly or otherwise, or instead conjure up that specific vibe.

To be honest, the hardest thing I find about dealing with episodes of hypomania is that they can feel so good it’s very hard to not attempt to stoke the sensation, prolong it, succumb deeper to it. That way oblivion lies; please stand behind the yellow line at all times.

[phanbliss]

ahh I missed that you were taking numbered prompts because the post is blacklisted for me! 9, 32, 35, 42, or 48 please? (I couldn't choose)

thank you

9.“You can’t banish me! This is my bed too”

35.“Take your medicine.”

words: 1.7k

rating: t

the formatting is messed up on mobile, so i recommend reading on ao3

Inbetween episodes of the anime they’re binge watching, Dan hears a miserable attempt ata question.

“Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“Couldyou make me some tea,” Phil croaks out, then adds, “Please.”

SoDan gets up and makes some tea. The raspberry one with loads of sugar that Philalways says is good for his throat.

Whilebrushing his teeth, he gets a text.

Phil, 10:12 PM

Couldyou please fetch the remote?

Thetv will turn itself off in 5 minutes

“I’mbrushing my teeth!” Dan calls out from the en suite, hoping Phil canunderstand him despite his mouth being filled with toothpaste.

Phil, 10:13 PM

Afterthen? Please

“Yes!” he shouts back impatiently.

Sohe rinses his mouth, and goes to fetch the bloody remote. Which lies on the tvstand in the bedroom. Which is a few steps from the bed. That very bed that Philis suffering in right now.

“Takeyour medicine,” Dan demands, sitting at the edge of the bed.

“It’snot helping,” Phil whines, like the five year old that he is at heart.

“Itis helping. It’s helping you stopsnoring for ten minutes, so it’s helping meat the very least.” Dan pushes the pills into Phil’s hand. Phil takes themreluctantly. “Take them, you big baby.”

Sinceit’s day six of Phil being sick with the flu, Dan is not surprised to see himcontinue feeling sorry for himself.

“Butit hurts to swallow.” Phil’s voice is little more than a pathetic croak.He actually pouts, which is rathercute, but not cute enough at three in the morning after six days of this.

Dancounts to ten in his head, then manages a soft smile.

“It’llmake you feel better. Go on.”

Philtakes all of the pills with a pained expression, then falls back onto the bed.Dan then proceeds to tuck him in underneath all three blankets, and at lastgets into bed next to Phil.

“Sleep,”Dan whispers, already nodding off the moment his head hits the pillow.“Sleep.”

Notmuch sleep is had, not for Dan. Phil continues to snore throughout the night.

Dealingwith a sick Phil. That’s one of the few things that always test the limits ofDan’s love for the guy.

Andsure, on most days Dan will say that his love is limitless. But after sevendays of Phil being poorly, Dan is sort of starting to see that mental fence,the border where the I Love Phil LesterWith My Whole Heart Land meets CanSomeone Take This Man Away From Me Land.

Philhad done nothing but whine, complain, moan (and not in a fun way), and requireall sorts of assistance for the entire day. Again. And Dan loves him, loves him more thananything, but he just can’t understand why having the flu means that Phil’slegs don’t work too.

Whichapparently, they don’t.

They’resat on the sofa – Phil in a gigantic bundle of blankets, Dan next to him, slightlysweaty in just a shirt and sweatpants. It’s thanks to the heating, whichthey’ve turned all the way up. Despite that, he can feel Phil shiveringslightly as they watch the telly together in relative silence.

Philalmost can’t speak, and Dan is just tiredafter the past few days filled with fetching tea, medicine, the remote, pickingup takeout, and giving Phil massages. It’s been an exhausting time - soexhausting that now, when they’re sat down and Phil doesn’t want anything, Danis almost falling asleep.

Heactually does manage to shut his eyes for a bit, when he is woken up by Phil’shand on his, combined with Phil’s voice, barely audible, calling Dan’s name.

“Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“Willyou please get me more tissues?”

Sevendays of this. Seven days. Dan is usedto somewhere around five, but seven? Seven days of Dan being a weird crossbetween a maid and a babysitter?

“Areboth your legs broken too?” Dan counters, but he does move to get up fromthe sofa and fetch the tissues. From the upstairs bathroom, which is… a fewsteps away.

Philfrowns slightly, despite the lack of malice in Dan’s voice. Dan immediatelyregrets the remark.

“Sorry,I know you’re feeling poorly. I’ll get them.”

Philstarts trying to untangle himself from the three or four blankets he’s wrappedup in, attempting to stand up. “No, I'm—”

“—you’restaying here,” Dan interjects, pushing him back onto the sofa. “Sit,you spoon. Who’s going to look after you if I’m ever gone?”

Phil’sexpression is nothing short of thankful as he whispers back, “Don’t begone.”

Bythe end of the night, Dan’s patience is running thin again. He’s had yetanother day of doing things that Phil could do for himself, all the whilehaving to listen to him moan about how sick he is. And he feels sorry for Phil,he does. He just wants someone to feel sorry for him too. He needs some sleep. Some good, uninterrupted sleep.

Hekisses Phil good night, because he’s already caught all the germs from him bynow, so it hardly matters if he catches a little more.

Philsnuggles up to him, praising his body heat. Dan’s brief annoyance fades away ashe drifts off to sleep.

Heonly gets about an hour before Phil, still very sick and congested, startssnoring. Loudly.

Dantries to ignore it. He tries to pretend it’s not there. He burrows his headinto the pillow. But Phil is loud.Dan thanks the universe for the fact that this doesn’t normally happen, butthat doesn’t make his current lack of sleep any easier to bear.

Heneeds some sleep, or he will go insane.

“Phil.Phil?”

Thesnoring stops. Perhaps Phil just needs to not sleep for the next few days.

Or…

“What?”Phil mumbles weakly, his back still turned to Dan.

“Youneed to go sleep in the spare bedroom. I can’t take this.”

Thereis a long pause - long enough for Dan to wonder if Phil has managed to fallasleep again.

“What?”Phil repeats, this time with disbelief.

“Gosleep in your fake bedroom, you snoring machine. I bet people in Singapore canhear you.”

Despitethe illness, Phil is surprisingly quick to turn around and shoot Dan anaccusing look that then dissolves into a pout upon seeing Dan’s seriousexpression.

“ButI’m really poorly, Dan,” Phil whines.

“Iknow you’re really poorly. I knowbetter than anyone.”

“Idon’t want to go there. The heating isn’t on and—and it’s cold—and it’s faraway—and—and you’re not sick! You go sleep in there if you hate me somuch. Yeah.”

Philwas probably aiming for indignation withthis little speech, but due to his voice being so weak, it all sounds a bitlaughable. Dan suppresses a smile.

“It’syour filming room! And I’ve beenbabying you for a bloody week, think I deserve that, don’t I? A good night ofsleep? That bed is fifty shades of messed up. I’m not sleeping in there.”

“Youcan’t banish me! This is my bed too!”

Danrolls his eyes. He can’t keep serious anymore, not with Phil looking so… so adorable, really. With his hair stickingout everywhere, his nose red, his eyes swollen. Poor Phil.

Dancontinues to argue, but only for the sake of it.

“Ican banish you! You had me sleepapart the last time I was sick!”

“Wewere on tour! If you’d gotten me sick I’d have—” Phil pauses and sneezes,luckily missing Dan. “I’d have—I’d have been sick. Too.”

“Oh,really? If I’d gotten you sick, you’d be sick. That’s some top level thinking,Phil.”

Philkicks him in the shin somewhere underneath the covers.

“You’rethe worst person. Have some empathy, I’m practically dying.”

Danstarts laughing while Phil continues to be cross.

“Yes,Phil. Dying of the common cold. We’re back in the… in the… in the Dark Ages,I dunno.” Dan shoves Phil slightly. “Shoo. Out of bed. Go loudly breatheyour germs elsewhere.”

Philreleases a long-suffering sigh, flips onto his back and attempts to sit up,muttering an I hate you.

Danlooks up, not moving, head still on the pillow. Poor Phil looks propermiserable, and while it’s just bickering, Dan starts feeling guilty for evenmaking Phil sit up in the first place. He watches Phil blindly feel around forhis glasses, and can’t help but find it endearing when Phil first tries to putthem on the wrong way around.

Philcan be such a big baby, but he’s Dan’s baby.However weird that may sound.

Danreaches out, takes Phil’s glasses off for him, and begins to tuck him back in.

“Iwas just trolling you, you idiot,” he says, perfectly aware that his voicemust practically be oozing affection right now. “Get in bed andsleep.”

“What?”Phil exclaims, or at least tries to. “I thought you were beingserious!”

“Iwas halfway serious. I mean, yousnore like a fucking elephant.” Dan tugs on Phil’s arm until Phil slidesback down into bed. “And you make me fetch things all day long. I’m tired. My legs hurt, Phil.”

They’renow laid side by side, facing each other. Phil pouts again, this timesincerely.

“I’msorry,” Phil whispers. “I’ve just been so—”

“—poorly,yeah, I know. Whatever. Sorry for being grumpy.”

Philgives Dan a small smile, the one that says thanksfor putting up with me, and Dan kisses his forehead lightly. It would allbe quite romantic if Phil didn’t start having a coughing fit.

Dandoesn’t wait for the can you fetch me.Not this time.

“I’llget you some of your syrup. Plague bearer.”

He’llget back at Phil the next time he has a cold. Definitely.

[samsgirly66-blog]

What the Hell?

Word Count: 1040

Summary: This is the first chapter of a new series I’m making. 

Warnings: Crying, minor swearing, also this kinda sucks sorry.

Just like any other day I was laying in bed playing on my phone, switching between Instagram and Tumblr. As usual my feeds were crowded with various posts about "Supernatural" or about the actors who played Sam, Dean, and Castiel. After spending probably too much time on social media I decided to head downstairs to take a shower and head out. I got out of the shower I grabbed a bowl for some cereal and grabbed the milk. With breakfast done and my hair drying on its own I fixed it in a pony tail, grabbed my bag with my laptop and books and headed out to catch a bus. I waited at the bus stop with my head phones in. The bus pulled up and I got in along with others and picked a seat in the back to sit in and look out the window as I browsed Tumblr once again. The ride was faster than usual, but it got me to the cafe that I worked at on time so that I could run over to the library to grab a few books and still be on time for work. I grabbed a couple books, checked them out and headed back across the street to the cafe.

"Morning (Y/N)" my coworker and best friend, Chase, called to me as I walked in the door.

"Morning Chase." I called back as I tied my apron on and walked to flip on the 'open' sign.

Chase was my friend since the day I started working there, shortly after turning 18. He'd clocked in for me when I was running late and took shifts for me when I couldn't come in. We often binge watched shows together on Friday nights and most other days of the week, and we both shared the love for 'Supernatural'.

The work day went fast and Chase told me to go ahead and leave an hour early, with the spare time, I decided to hang out at the library and read a bit. I didn't pay attention to the time, so when the librarian tapped my shoulder and told me that I had to leave I was a bit surprised. I gather my things and left the library, catching a late night bus and heading back home. When the bus pulled up it was mostly empty, but I still sat in the back where I usually sat. The ride back to home felt longer without my phone to mess around on, it had went dead at the library. The bus that I took wasn't the cleanest, but it was nice. The floors were like most buses, sticky and covered with dirt and grime from people's shoes, and they made a noise when you walked on them.

"Goodnight (Y/N)" the bus driver, Steve,  called out to me as I walked off the bus.

"See ya Steve."  I said as I walked to the doors of the apartment I lived at.

I walked up the flight of stairs to get to my apartment and grabbed my keys to unlock the door. I was greeted by my dog jumping up on my chest and licking my face almost knocking me over.

"Relax Zach, I've only been gone for a few hours."  I laughed and went to the kitchen to feed Zach.

I'd gotten Zach as a present for my sixteenth birthday, we'd shared the same birthday ever since. When I moved out on my own I'd taken Zach against my parent's wishes, but he was my dog not theirs. He was a large husky with one green and one blue eye.

I'd gotten left overs from the night before and warmed them before sitting on the couch with Zach and flipping on the tv. I flipped through the channels before switching it to Netflix, "look's like we're watching reruns tonight Zach." I said looking down at my dog who was already asleep on the couch. I clicked 'Supernatural' and started on season six, episode one.

I woke up the next morning to the tv off and Zach licking my face to wake up. I grabbed my phone and clicked it on, four missed calls from Chase, three Tumblr notifications, and a missed call from my mom.  I got up and called Chase back, the phone rang four times before he picked up, "Hey you called me what's up?"

"(Y/N)?" the voice on the other end of the phone asked.

I recognized the voice, but it wasn't Chase's, "Yeah? Who is this?"

"What do you mean, it's Sam. I've been trying to call you all night why weren't you answering? (Y/N)? (Y/N)?"  Sam talked over the phone like this was normal.

I was completely frozen, this is either Chase playing a prank on me or I'm dreaming, I thought to myself. "Sam? As in Sam Winchester?"

"Yeah, (Y/N/N) what's up with you? Do Dean and I need to come to your apartment?" Sam asked.

"Y- yeah uh I think you should. I have to go, uh bye." I said and hung the phone up quickly.

I had walked to the kitchen and fed Zach while I was on the phone, so I ran back to the living room and checked Netflix. I flipped through the shows, normally Supernatural would be the first thing that pops up but I couldn't find it anywhere on even if I searched it up it didn't come up. I grabbed my phone from the couch where I'd thrown it after hanging up and googled Supernatural the only thing that came up was the 'Supernatural' books. I clicked them to see my name in the main character list.

The room started to spin and I felt dizzy, I fell back on to the couch. Zach ran up to me and I clutched on to his neck and started to breath deeply. "Z what is going on?" I asked him as if he knew the answer.

After sitting there for twenty minutes I heard a knock on the door, Zach looked up at me and got into a protective stance. "Chill Z, I'll be okay."  I walked over to the door and opened it carefully.

When I opened the door my mouth dropped, "What the Hell?"

-

Tags: @hunter-x-supernatural @because-sam-winchester @deansgirly1979 @winchesters-favorite-girl

send me an ask if you want to be tagged. Sorry this was out later than I thought it was going to be.

[mistertcat]

25 Lessons from Age 25

1. HOME IS A VIBE

Throughout my whole life, I always thought home was a place. A city, a state, four walls and a hard-wood floor. I don’t believe this anymore. With my family and friends spread out across the country like a cream-cheesed bagel, I realized now that home is as much everywhere as it is nowhere. It’s in the memories and the songs and the thoughts that race through my mind as I fall asleep. Ain’t no place like it. 

2. SUMMER IN THE SOUTH IS LIKE WINTER IN THE MIDWEST

It’s the kind of lock-yourself-in-and-binge-watch weather that I though only existed in the dark days of Midwest winter. Except in the South, an Irish Coffee does not soften the blow. No liquor nor liquid can save you from this wet heat. It’s like being trapped inside of a beached whale. Just embrace the sweat. Just breathe. It’s the price one pays for 70 and sunny in December.

3. THE SOPRANOS IS THE GREATEST SHOW OF ALL TIME

I don’t know why it took me so long to press play on episode one. Probably some combination of fears. The fear that one cultural phenomenon from the early 2000’s could never live up to the hype. The fear that 7 seasons might as well be considered a hobby. In any case, the fear wasn’t warranted. The character depth on this show could home a giant squid. It’s simply the best.

4. NFL KICKERS ARE VALUABLE 

Every August, I offer up my emotional wellbeing to the 53-man roster of the San Diego Chargers. And every year, they find an innovative way to lose games – spiraling me into a fit of heated disappointment for 2-3 subsequent days. This year, my anguish was at the feet of 5 incompetent kickers. Never in my life have I seen so many different people do equally shitty at the same job. 9-7 could have been so much more.

5. TALES FROM THE CRYPT

I don’t really know what crypto currency is and I don’t really care to do the research. All I know is that my roommates convinced me to buy some. Now, on a daily basis, I’ve either lost everything or I’ve exponentially multiplied my money. It’s a great way to inject some crippling fear into your otherwise stable life.

6. I CAN ROUGH IT

We were warned that humans should not go to the Appalachian Mountains in such hazardous winter conditions. “That’s cute,” they said. “I love camping and I would never do that,” they said. I laughed this off as I soaked up the rays of the mountain sun. At the tender hour of 6 PM, I knew they were right. Never in my life have I been so cold, but I survived the night. 

7. THE GRIND IS REAL

My dentist recently told me that I grind my teeth when I sleep. I didn’t really believe him until my first night with a sleep-in mouth guard. I woke myself up 3 times from chomping down on that bad boy like corn on the cob. Touché mister dentist…touché.

8. HOW TO EAT CRAWFISH

It’s way harder than it fuckin looks, and everyone has a style that they think is right. The most effective way for me: Rip off that head, slurp the juices, crunch the sides of the tail lightly, peel back the shell, and eat the meat. Repeat until you are disgusted with yourself.

9. DON’T SKIMP ON THE FISH BOWL CONDITIONER

Instead of running out to PETCO to grab another bottle of water conditioner, I thought I could stretch out the last remaining bit among two bowls and re-up for the next round. The next morning, I found both of my Beta fish (Pepperjelly and Kyrie) dead at the bottom of their tanks. The scene will stick with me until I too am dead. I’m so so sorry guys. 

10. KEEP IT SALTY

The easiest way to turn your body into Gumby and your brain into gum balls is through a hot epsom salt bath. I don’t know what they put in that stuff, but I am hooked. You ladies had this shit down a long time ago and I applaud you for it.

11. HOW TO FLY ON AN AIRPLANE

I flew on more planes this past year than I did the 24 years prior combined. With lots of practice, you learn little things that assist on the journey. Firstly, download your Spotify playlists before the flight so you can listen in the sky. Secondly, use the debit card with the bad strip and they will give you your Gin & Tonic for free to avoid holding up the line.

12. HOW TO MAKE A GOOD GIN & TONIC 

I had a new-found love and appreciation for this drink in 2017. It’s sharp, yet refreshing. Sophisticated, yet simple. Just a damn good drink for the night time hours. Pour 2 shots gin and 2 ½ shots tonic over a ¾ full glass of ice cubes. Top with a one-second squirt of lime juice. Stir and drink with a colorful bendy straw. Add a splash of orange or cranberry juice if you are feeling “tropical.” Enjoy.

13. THE RAPPER’S WRITING PROCESS

There’s something magical about the driver’s seat that I just can’t get from sitting down at a desk. As much as I like to write, I’ve never written a song on paper. I start with a line in my head and say it out loud and build it bit by bit, so by the time it’s done I already have it memorized. With the beats blasting, I can write and recite over and over until it’s polished. Sometimes at night I drive up and down the same strip of Canal St. while I work on a song. I probably look like a drunkard, but process is process.

14. KENDRICK LAMAR HAS MY BACK

DAMN. came out about one week before I moved from Omaha to New Orleans, and it served as the soundtrack to my re-location. It was the sound of a transition of styles. Something new, scary, and exciting. Fast forward six months, and I’m feeling lost. I see Kendrick live on stage at Voodoo Fest, surrounded by thousands of people chanting “We gon’ be alright!” in unison. His presence alone feels like some sort of divine intervention. He was my support system throughout this whole thing.

15. BEWARE THE SPICY SALADS 

I learned this lesson twice at 25. The first time was a pre-packaged Cajun salad at Louis Armstrong Intl. Airport in New Orleans. The pink dressing made my eyes water and I was completely taken off guard. It was a good burn. The second time was at the Chili’s in the Dallas Fort-Worth Airport. Their chipotle ranch dressing was spicy on a practical joke kind of level. When the waiter asked if I wanted more dressing we both laughed in a “fuckin good one” kind of way. My subsequent flight was the worst of my life.

16. I CAN ROCK A CAP

I always thought that my head was too small or misshapen for hats. I experimented at age 15 and hated the results. Since then, I have largely avoided the idea altogether. One Autumn day, I tried on a random hat hanging on the coatrack and my whole view changed. My head was made for the so-called “dad cap.” My hair might not last forever, but a new door has been opened when it comes to cranial decorations.

17. DON’T BET ON THE SPREAD

You might as well buy something instead of just throwing your money away on sports betting. “Oh, Creighton is a 9-point underdog to Gonzaga?! This is too good to be true!” Creighton lost by 17 and this was the first and last time I will bet on a sporting event. Even at the casino, you play games and get free drinks. Sports betting is a hot date that never shows up to the restaurant. Enjoy that cold dinner alone, Tyler. You deserve it.

18. CLOTHES STEAMER > CLOTHES IRON

Light, compact, effective, and efficient. I don’t know how I got by without one  of these gizmos before. Just put that shirt on a hanger and blast away with some steam. It’s almost too easy. Word of caution: DO NOT use the clothes steamer while you are wearing the clothes. I did this and got a Burger King looking grill mark burn on my chest for about a week.

19. I HAVE A THING FOR FRENCH GIRLS

Namely, French girl singers of the 1960s. France Gall, Brigitte Bardot, Françoise Hardy, and the like. I have no idea what they are saying in their joyous tunes, but it’s so buttery that I don’t care. I feel like I understand it nonetheless. I also met Marion this year, a real-life lady from France. She loved to dance and I will miss her.

20. ALONE TIME IS A GIFT

I took this for granted when I had my own apartment with just me and my cat Pancake. I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and got very little pushback on my lifestyle choices. If I cleaned up, it stayed clean unless I made a mess. If I wanted to sleep in, I slept in. It was simple. Now, with two roommates, I’ve learned to cherish the time I get alone. You never know how long it will last.

21. I CAN FINISH AN AUDIOBOOK

It’s always been difficult for me to read an entire book. I get bored, my eyes get tired, and after a while, I’m just reading words while thinking about food or when I fucked up “memorable” in the 5th grade spelling bee. “M-O-M...do I have to finish?” My love of podcasts has been around since my late teens, so it seems pretty obvious that audiobooks might be a good way to absorb some literature. Obvious or not, it took me several years to figure that out. I’m very happy to have gained valuable insights from Chuck Klosterman, Malcolm Gladwell, Tina Fey, and others this past year.

22. THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT TYPES OF POOLS

Back in Nebraska, I knew of three types: home, public, and country club. I figured that this was just how pools worked in the United States. I was wrong. There are all sorts of weird pools. Swanky rooftop pools with all attractive people and $15 drinks. Tiny park pools that look like Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater creations. And then there is The Drifter. A pool for the punk scene where tops are optional. What a world we live in.

23. AMAZON PRIME IS AN INCREDIBLE DEAL

I had my entire living arrangement shipped for free to my doorstep in 2 days. Bed and desk and chairs - everything. The works. If it can be bought, you can buy it on Amazon. On top of that, you can watch Transparent, Mozart in the Jungle, and One Mississippi. If that’s not worth $100, I don’t know what is.

24. TALKSPACE THERAPY IS MY SHIT

Thank you for everything Jenise! 

25. YOU CAN MAKE NEW FRIENDS, BUT YOU CAN NEVER REPLACE YOUR HOMIES

You know who you are. You know all of the dumb shit we’ve done. You were there through all of the bad breakups and shakeups and opportunities to eat chicken wings. It has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. I love you guys and gals to death.

[robertsmorgan]

Psychology of Eating Podcast: Episode #205 – Successful in So Many Ways Except Weight Loss

Danielle, 41, is experiencing a lot of confusion about how her body is reacting to food. She has gained about 28 lbs. over the last 4 years, and has tried just about every way of eating, allergy testing, dieting, doctors, etc. Marc David, founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, takes in her journey and acknowledges the complexity of it. Many factors such as her relationship to food, past traumas, international travel, and potential biological imbalances could all be playing a part. A lesson we can all take away from the insight Marc delivers to Danielle, is that this is our journey. And how can we relax into our symptoms as opposed to fighting them? What would it be like, if even while we are in the unknown, while we are discovering the next thing to try, or the right foods for our body… we could relax into it? Danielle walks away with new opportunity to allow herself to feel instead of fight, to be curious instead of obsessed to find the answer.

Below is a transcript of this podcast episode:

Marc: Welcome, everybody. I’m Marc, founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating. We are in the Psychology of Eating Podcast. And I’m with Danielle today. Welcome, Danielle.

Danielle: Hi, Marc. Thank you.

Marc: Yeah, I’m glad we’re here. And we were just chitchatting for a couple of minutes. You are in Scotland. I’m kind of jealous. I wish I was just there right now during this session with you.

Danielle: It’s very cold, you shouldn’t be.

Marc: Okay, never mind. But on my bucket list to go there. So for viewers and listeners, let me just say, if you’re new to this podcast, here’s what’s going to go, Danielle and I are meeting for the first time, officially. We’re going to spend less than an hour together and see if we can move things on fast forward, if at all possible.

Danielle, when it comes to your life, food, body, health, weight, all that kind of stuff, if you could wave your magic wand and get whatever you wanted to get out of our time together, what would that look like for you?

Danielle: So, I really want to say a relaxed relationship with food. Really, I just want my weight to stabilize. I’ve been gaining weight fairly unexpectedly for the last four years. And so I keep doing the work to kind of accept myself and get used to that. And I keep gaining weight and, again, that creates quite a lot of stress in my life. So that would be my magic wand, just to stabilize it at some point. Marc: How much weight have you gained in those four years?

Danielle: So I’ll have to do this in your terms, about 55, 56 pounds I think. No, that’s probably—sorry, about 28 pounds. I don’t weigh myself anymore but I’ve gained two dress sizes and it’s been the kind of chunk every year, I would say, yeah.

Marc: How old are you?

Danielle: I’m 41.

Marc: You’ve gotten any medical tests?

Danielle: Yeah. So I researched the life out of all of this stuff. So I’ve had thyroid test and I had parasite test. For a while, I had some injections, which were like—I don’t know if you have them in the U.S., they were kind of an allergy, food allergy thing. I don’t eat gluten anymore. And the only thing I haven’t tested that I’ve kind of wondered whether I should is hormone panel. But I haven’t done that because I kind of got tired of the testing.

Marc: So they tested your thyroid. Did they test you for diabetes or pre diabetes, anything like that?

Danielle: No. Although, last time I had a big kind of corporate health check would have been about five years ago. And they said I was very low risk for diabetes, so no. Although interesting now that you say that because one of the challenges I have is I need to pee all the time, like constantly, and I’m thirsty all the time. But I’ve never been retested for it because they’d said I was such low risk.

Marc: Yeah, okay. So I would get tested. It’s pretty simple. It’s not a lot of time and effort. You just described potential symptoms of diabetes or pre diabetes. So it can hit—oftentimes, the onset can be quick for certain people. So that’s just a little alert mechanism for me that I would want to see you have checked out. Usually, the thirsty part—now, I will also say—so previous to this last four years, have you been the kind of person that’s often thirsty?

Danielle: I mean, I always drank trying quite a lot of fluids. But right now I would always have a bottle of water with me if I’m out. I would struggle to go any length of time without some kind of fluid, yeah.

Marc: Yeah, okay.

Danielle: So it got worse definitely.

Marc: Yeah. So definitely, you definitely want to get checked for that. In the four or five years, let’s say running four or five years ago, anything super different about your life?

Danielle: Yeah. So a fairly major family trauma about four years ago, involving a member of my family unexpectedly going to prison. So I can almost totally connect when I fell out of relationship with food again to that point. And when I started to—because I have had eating disorders. I had an eating disorder when I was about 18, 19.

Although, interestingly, I never got really, really skinny but I survived on like 300, 400 calories a day. I used to make myself sick if I was eating. And I worked through that. And then when this trauma happened about four years ago, I was actually, it’s probably the weight I would love to be, about 147 pounds.

And then I just got really obsessed with food again, really obsessed. And started to cut food out at pace to the point where my husband kind of said to me, “I’m not happy with what you’re eating.” And I was in flood of tears saying, “But I’m not losing weight, I’m not losing weight,” which I wasn’t. And then I started to explore food intolerances, did a couple of elimination diet. And then, to be honest with you, I just got really obsessed with finding out what was wrong like you do.

Marc: Sure, sure, sure. And would you say the weight came on incrementally each year?

Danielle: Yeah. So this is what happens, as long as I am really, really careful with food, then my weight pretty much stays steady. The minute I dip into any kind of—I mean, I wouldn’t even call it binge eating, but kind of upping the ante to what I eat. Then I gain weight and it doesn’t come off.

So this year, I had back surgery four months ago. And naturally, I gained weight because I couldn’t walk. So I couldn’t walk actually for a lot of this year. And once it’s on I’ve no apparent way of getting off at all. So I can do, like a couple of months ago, I did two months of no processed food. My diet is very light and gentle but it just doesn’t come off. So once it’s on, it doesn’t come off.

Marc: Sure.

Danielle: And I bloat really badly. So my stomach in the evening is very different to the way it looks in the morning.

Marc: How many times a day would you say you eat right now?

Danielle: Three to four, yeah.

Marc: Do you notice your bloating being worse or better on certain days?

Danielle: That’s a good question. So today I noticed it was really bad. But I haven’t been able to connect it to anything would be the truth. I mean, I’ve started to have really light evening meals now, kind of really gentle suppers at kind of about six o’clock but we don’t eat after that. And I find if I can do that, it’s probably a bit gentler than if I have dinner in the evening, in which case it’s not good.

Marc: Have you had any foreign travel like starting four or five years ago?

Danielle: No. So three years ago, I started traveling to India for business. But no, not four years, I wouldn’t say—oh, I was in Greece but Europe, so nothing…

Marc: Okay. So three years ago, you were traveling to India.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: Did that impact your health any?

Danielle: Didn’t seem to, no. And I didn’t have any of this kind of stomach bugs everybody gets.

Marc: And so let’s say only starting either five years ago, four years ago, or three years ago, did you get any particular kinds of vaccines?

Danielle: Yeah. I had vaccines to get to India, yeah. I had—blimey, I can’t remember—tetanus, meningitis maybe, and yellow fever I think, probably were the three.

Marc: Sure. But prior to that, had there been any vaccinations?

Danielle: No, not for a long time since I went to Kenya maybe about 14 or 15 years ago. So, no, nothing since then.

Marc: Okay, got it. Do you have kids?

Danielle: Nope.

Marc: Planning on it?

Danielle: No.

Marc: Uh-huh.

Danielle: I have stepchildren and they’re great. That��s the ideal way to do it.

Marc: Got it. You’re pretty clear about that.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: So it sounds like you’ve tried a bunch of different kinds of sort of medical/nutritional approach to figure out what’s going on for you?

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: What are the ones you’ve tried?

Danielle: So as I started with elimination, you would laugh because I ended up giving up like a list of like 25 foods. Although, there was a point there and actually I was in America where, in that period, I felt really good for maybe a month. And people were really commenting I look totally different and that just disappeared.

So I did that. Then I went to an allergy clinic in London and I had to inject myself twice a day. That also worked really well for about three months and then didn’t work. Although my weight is stabilized, I didn’t lose any. I’ve done leaky gut protocol. I had to give that up because I couldn’t handle the amount of supplements I was taking.

But, interestingly, with that, I had one day on the leaky gut protocol where I woke up and my husband just looked at me and he said, “What has happened?” And I looked like I dropped about 14 pounds overnight. It was insane. And I was so excited. I couldn’t believe it. And then by the end of the day, I was totally bloated again.

So it was kind of another scenario of—and this is making me really edgy around food, right. Because now I just think I eat, I blow up. That’s kind of my connection that I make now. And then over and above that, I’ve tried fasting. I think that does reduce my bloating as you would expect and I also did, which I’d never recommend to anybody. I did the Cambridge diet, which is a shake, I don’t know if you have that in the U.S.

Marc: Yeah, yeah.

Danielle: I lost a ton of weight with that when I did just the shakes and the soups. And as soon as I started eating food again, even when they just brought me on to like 500 calories a day, I was gaining weight. And prior to that, I’ve been dieting all my life, Marc. My dad had me on the scales when I was five. So that has been a fairly constant thing.

Marc: Yeah. Were you, at any point when you were younger, were you in any kind of sports teams?

Danielle: Yeah, yeah. I played hockey fairly competitively, certainly two to three times a week. But other than that, I really struggled with sports. So I was never a good runner, I was very bratty all the time. So it wasn’t until I was about 20, 22 that I started cycling and running and really enjoying sports. I had terrible games teacher, they just shouted at me.

Marc: Got it. And the bloating, when was the first time that you ever remember being bloated?

Danielle: So truthfully, I think I’ve only really noticed that in the last—I’m making this up, right, but two years maybe?

Marc: Sure. Yeah.

Danielle: Yeah. So prior to that everything was kind of, I couldn’t lose weight, but I sure as heck wasn’t changing dress sizes in a day, which is definitely what happens now.

Marc: Do you experience any kind of fatigue, mood swings that are the norm for you?

Danielle: So not mood swings. Well, actually I should check in with my husband on that. He might say differently. I definitely have had periods of—I used to sleep really well. I mean I go back to when I started the elimination diet. I used to sleep really well. And now there are many days where I wake up. And even though I have slept, it’s like I haven’t at all. I just feel tired on waking. So I try really hard to get to sleep. I do a lot of meditation. And I go to bed pretty early. But often I don’t feel refreshed at all. And that’s quite challenging.

Marc: Are you on any kind of prescription medications?

Danielle: I’m on the pill.

Marc: For how long?

Danielle: Since I was 16.

Marc: Interesting. Have you ever gone off it?

Danielle: Yeah. Okay. So I forgot about that one because of course, in my reading, I’m obsessed with research. I read, I can’t remember, one of your famous female doctors in America and she recommended coming off it. I came off it for, as part of this process, maybe three to four months. Nothing got worse but nothing got better. So I kind of abandoned that and went back on it.

Marc: Got it, got it, got it. Okay. But there are no other prescription medications?

Danielle: No. So with my back, I have been—but I’m really light on painkillers. I took morphine for a very short period of time and Tramadol.

Marc: Tramadol, okay.

Danielle: And amitriptyline, sorry. And amitriptyline.

Marc: Did they give you any kind of steroids for swelling?

Danielle: No, not that I noticed. Yeah.

Marc: Okay, okay. So you haven’t been able to notice particular times when the bloating seems to be better, worse…

Danielle: So it’s worse after food. Almost always.

Marc: Any food?

Danielle: I’d like to say no. So I think it’s okay if I stick to kind of—I wouldn’t expect to be bloated after a salad as an example. I certainly feel, this will sound strange, I feel it’s more related to volume of food than it is to the content of it. And that could be absolutely rubbish.

But if I have what anybody else would consider a regular-sized meal then I notice bloating after that. I mean, for example, today at lunchtime, I had soup. I had a gluten-free wrap with some hummus and avocado and then I had a little bit of cheese. And I was really bloated afterwards.

Marc: Are you a fast eater, moderate eater, slow eater?

Danielle: I used to be super fast. Now I consider myself moderate fast.

Marc: Got it, got it, got it.

Danielle: I’m working on it. I’m not relaxed around food. I mean, it feels a bit like the enemy to be honest.

Marc: Yeah, I totally get it. Interesting, interesting, interesting. Okay. So, I may have more questions for you. I kind of want to start to put things together. I think for you is that this is a potentially—you’re in a potentially complex case. Honestly, honestly, honestly, nine out of 10 people that I speak to, no matter what they think, to my mind, their stories, their cases, their situation is simpler than they think.

Danielle: Hmm-mmm.

Marc: Every once in awhile, there’s a complicated case. This is more complicated. I’ll tell you why it’s complicated to me. For sure, it has been complicated to you. I get it, I hear you. Okay, so reasons why it’s complicated.

Complication number one: The fact that you’ve turned 40. Oftentimes, what I know—I’m a big believer that we go through circumstances of life when the body shifts. The body just shifts. We go through it then we shift. Our emotions shift. Our world view changes. Who we are as a person changes, for better or for worse, hopefully for better.

As we get older, the body becomes more sensitive. At times, the body becomes more specific. And the body breaks down more. Weak links are exposed as you get older. What I have particularly noticed, especially, it can happen at any age. But there’s an interesting thing that happens at 30-ish, 40-ish, 50-ish. Forty is usually an interesting transition zone, where you’re not a kid anymore. You’re clearly an adult. You’re in an adult body, clearly mortal.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: Like mortality sets in more. So definitionally, I often notice, people notice, more about their body around age 40. So that generally happens any way in an average healthy person. Okay, so there’s a factor involved that we have to notice. The next factor involved is that you mentioned to me like, “Hey traumatic event happens, person in my sphere ends up in prison.” Okay, traumatic. So a traumatic event can trigger all that change in the body.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: Hundred percent, it happens all the time. And once the traumatic event triggers that change, it’s not easy to unwind. Because what happens is people try to unwind the change as opposed to unwind trauma itself. So in other words, “Oh my God, I gained all this weight, let me unwind the weight gain.” “Oh let me exercise it off. Let me diet it off.” No, that doesn’t work. That’s not how the weight came on. It didn’t come on because of lack of exercise. It didn’t come on because I was eating whatever. It came on because trauma happened and it changes our system. So there’s another factor right there that we could process, pitch our tent there, and work with for a while. Okay.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: Next, next. The fact within this, so you told me you started gaining weight around four years ago but three years ago traveled to India, vaccination. I will tell you, across the board, that this is a factor. I’m dealing with people who have inexplicable weight gain or various inexplicable onset of health symptoms, disease symptoms. Oftentimes, it’s related to foreign travel and/or vaccination. India is particularly famous for throwing people off.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: Because when you go to a country, you are being exposed to organisms, pathogens, and the like that your body hasn’t seen before, simple as that. So it is not uncommon for people who travel to India and experience constant bloating, digestive distress, energy drops. So you could have easily caught something that stays in the system.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: I know people who are still dealing with response to foreign travel to catching something. So that is a potential. And I will tell you that’s difficult to work with. I mean, it is really difficult to work with. I wish it was easier. So there’s that complicating factor. Yet another potential factor in here is your history of your relationship with food.

You’ve had a ride. You’ve been on different kinds of diets. You’ve been through different kind of eating challenges. You had different metabolisms over the years. What often happens—often not always—for people who’ve had a ride in terms of their relationship with food, you hit a certain age and challenges start to happen that are actually related to just what the body’s been going past.

So all of a sudden, the body gets a little tired because it’s been pulled on a lot of directions. And then we go into just a breakdown and there are inexplicable symptoms or inexplicable weight gain, which is a function of just the road that the body is on. You hit a certain point. You have too many straws on the camel’s back and all of a sudden it’s like, wow, metabolism is like, “Okay, I could do things and not gain weight.

But I’m not getting back to where I was.” So it’s almost like the body’s in a little bit of a crisis. It’s almost like you’ve been running a marathon and doing great. But then, ouch, you’re at mile 22, your body’s going, “This really hurts.” Part of what’s also probably happening is you’ve hit 41 and you’re body’s going, “Whoa, this has been an interesting road.”

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: So body gets a little tired and it’s a little reactive because it’s been pulled in a lot of directions. So we often hit these chaos points that we’re dealing with symptoms and symptom in this case is also inexplicable weight gain. And oftentimes for people, it’s a period of riding things out. It’s literally riding it out. It’s like here comes the storm. Sometimes a storm is coming like get your umbrella, get inside, and hunker down. This going to be…

On top of that, you mentioned symptoms of potential diabetes or prediabetes. So what I’m saying is the picture you painted to me is not a simple one.

Danielle: Hmm-mmm.

Marc: So the fact that you are confused makes sense to me.

Danielle: I’m just very pleased to hear that actually.

Marc: So yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes perfect sense that you’re confused. Because it’s not like your foot hurts and you do all this research and you finally look at the foot and you see you have a little funk in your foot that we have to pull out. It’s not that simple for you. So there could be a number of factors that are participating in creating the different experiences that you’re having right now. And the fact that you’re trying things and nothing is working for you or has worked temporarily, what that says to me is, A, at the very least, you have a little bit of a journey ahead of you. A little bit of a journey ahead of you.

So you’re in the unknown right now. What I would love to be able to see you do, and I know this is easier said than done, is to find a place where you can relax more into this journey. Because what’s happening right now is, amongst other things, you are being confronted with a core fear. You have certain core fears. Perhaps the most common core fear is I am going to die. Even though we’re always in touch with that fear, the fear of death is a big one.

Probably second to the fear of death, amongst women, the fear of weight gain. It is a huge fear. It is not to be discounted, the power of that. You didn’t invent that fear. That fear was invented by others, and it was injected into your mind. So it is very difficult to overcome fear.

When that fear grips us, it will cause us to act distally. It will cause us to be upset quicker. It will cause us to collapse faster. It will cause us to lose hope quicker. It will cause you to be more anxious. I mean, you name it. So what I’m saying here is there are certain factors right now that we can be sure of. However, this factor is one factor that we can be sure of, i.e., we can be sure that this fear is coming up for you.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: And understandably so, understandably so. It’s like do the math, like, “Damn, it just freaking happened for a year, I’m screwed.” Okay. So from this place I would love to see you evolve yourself, mature yourself, trust your life a little more, and understand that you’re on a little bit of a journey here. And I would love to see you change the nature of this journey for you. Right now, the nature of this journey is, “Holy shit, I’m screwed.”

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: That’s kind of what’s living in here and, again, understandably so. And I meant you to see that holding that perspective is not to your advantage, it’s to your advantage. It’s a reaction. It’s an automatic reaction to an understandable situation. From that perspective, you have to gather yourself. And in a lot of ways, it’s facing the fear like, yeah, it’s possible. Worst scenario, I gained a hundred pounds. There’s the worst-case scenario.

Okay, okay. Let’s go there for a second. I gained a hundred pounds. Would that suck? Yes. Would I like it? No. Would I deal with it? Yes. Would I stand by myself? Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So I need to stand by you right now. Because this is a fear that is gripping you like you have no idea and I think you know.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: And I know this is hard for you, I know that. Because this fear, like I said, for most women, it’s close behind the fear of death.

Danielle: It’s pretty connected to it, right, because what if you eat yourself to death?

Marc: Exactly, exactly, exactly. So this is the place where instead of you focusing exclusively on how do I lose this weight? How do I stop from gaining weight? We’re still going to focus on that. I’m not saying we’re not going to focus on that. We will focus on that. You will focus on that. You will continue to focus on that. But at the end—and as important is focusing on the fear, because the fear goes in trauma.

Danielle: Yup.

Marc: And this fear of weight gain existed before four years.

Danielle: Yeah, yeah.

Marc: So most coming up at a time in your life when age 40 is when a woman is on a training program. You’re not a princess anymore. You’re not a young girl anymore. You’re not a teenybopper anymore. You’re not a teenager anymore. But you’re not a queen yet either. You don’t fully own yourself. You’re not fully in power. But these next 10 years, 40 to 40-ish to 50-ish is queen-in-training, learning how to step into your womanhood, how to step into your royalty, how to own your life, how to own your body like never before so you can be in this world and be an empowered woman.

A woman cannot exist in this world as empowered if she’s easily knocked off her horse about her body. If one little thing knocks her off her horse about her body then she will never feel safe. She will never feel enough. She will never feel truly okay and lovable as she is because you gained a pound, you gained this, now you ate too much of this, and all hell breaks loose. Now, granted you’re actually gaining and you actually don’t know how to stop it. So the fear has a legitimacy to it.

Danielle: Yup.

Marc: So your task is difficult. Your task is difficult. Your task is not to lose weight. I’m saying your primary task is to be in relationship with your body.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: So you learn to start to not let the fear drive you to the extent that it has. And let the woman in you, drive this process more. Not the girl in you afraid that if I keep gaining weight I am totally screwed.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: How’s all this landing for you so far, Danielle? Like tell me what’s happening for you?

Danielle: Well, I’ve made a deal I wasn’t going to cry but I am. So I will just go with that. Yeah. I feel really good actually. I mean I kind of needed to hear I wasn’t crazy, right?

Marc: Hmm-mmm.

Danielle: So that was really good. And the thing about trust is a really big thing for me. Because I’m not in relationship with my body because I’m at war with it, right? And I’m usually successful in my life. I mean I have a big job. I’ve done really well. And this is the thing I feel I fail in. So then I just drive up the logic, right? And my heart doesn’t get any say in it. And so, yeah, I mean, you’re telling me to let it go, right? And focus on living.

Marc: Yes. And I’m not telling you to let go of the need to know how to stabilize your body. I’m not telling you to let go of, “Hey I want to be at the weight I feel comfortable at. Hey, I don’t want to gain weight.” I’m not telling you to let go of that. What I’m asking you to do is put it to the side, let it stay alongside you.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: Let it walk alongside you, not in front of you.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: And see what’s in front of you. So it’s a little kid. I want you to hold it by its hand and I want you to be adult in it. So this is the girl in you that says, “Oh my God, I’m going to figure this out, I got to do this, to up the logic.” That’s the part of you that’s trying to figure it out. And right now, you might have to have a little period. And it might be a week, it might be two weeks, it might be a few months where you actually let go of trying to figure this out.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: Will you let go because you’ve been trying hard? And I am acknowledging to you your situation is complex. There are things that would have to be explored to figure it out.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: Even then, even then, like I literally don’t know, if that would provide you with the answer in any way.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: But what I do know is that this particular relationship with you has been here for a long time, where you’ve been in an adversarial relationship with it.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: Where you haven’t really owned it and embraced it and loved on it.

Danielle: For sure, yeah.

Marc: And what that means is you let go of all conditions. And you go, “Okay, God. Okay, universe. Here’s me right now. This is like it’s out of my control. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m trying but I give up. I give up.”

Does that mean you just eat cake for two weeks? No. You still care for yourself. But you care for you. You just do things caringly. Just to let me do this so I can see if I can make myself lose weight or see if I can stabilize myself. No.

Right now, I want you to try to care for yourself with food. I want you to try to nourish yourself with food. So even if you eat something, you get bloated. What I’m interested in you saying is, “Oh, okay that’s information for next time, did I eat too fast? Should I eat something different? How can I care for myself differently or better next time?

So it’s you seeing more that this is care as to fixing your broken body that doesn’t do what you want to do because you don’t trust that it’s going to be what you wanted to be. You have to be in a different relationship with your body. And this is not a thing that you have failed at. It is something that the world hasn’t taught you. The world hasn’t taught it to you because the world kind of failed at helping raise healthy humans around their body.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: That’s an issue and that’s an issue worldwide. We eat garbage food on this planet. We have a crazy relationship with food because of what media, movies, and internet, and images, and culture gives us in terms of crazy messaging. So it’s not your failure. That is a failure on the part of the world that you and I are doing our best to correct. It’s a big issue to try to correct because it’s a big one. It’s bigger than any of us. The reason why you haven’t been able to handle that is because it will be hard. If it was easy, you would’ve done it. We all would’ve done it. It’s hard. So I’m acknowledging that what you’re trying to do is very difficult and it’s so worth doing.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: Because it sets us free when you could own your body and not live there. And not live in judgment of your own body. And not live in mistrust of your own body. And not be at war with your own body. Then you can marshal your forces and empowered to be the person you want to be more and more and more.

So part of that is turning this into not about weight loss, turning this into self-love and self-care. Self-love and self-care means, “Shit, I think I gained another pound. Oh my God, I’m really bloated tonight. How can I love myself through this?” As opposed to get down on myself, stay up two more hours reading 10 more articles.

Danielle: Checking out the Google.

Marc: Right. So I want you to hold yourself in those moments and that’s what I’m saying by self-care and self-love. Go, “Oh man, that’s hard. Like literally, this is hard. Got bloated. Feels yucko.” And just feel what it feels like, like just, “God, it sucks.” It’s you being with you in that place because what happens is we try to get out of this really quick. We run away.

Danielle: Oh for sure.

Marc: And when we run away, we keep ending up back in the same place any ways. So this is life at—tell me, how old you are, 41?

Danielle: Forty-one.

Marc: So this is life at 41. In the queen-in-training program, life is giving you a workshop. This is admittedly—from here, this is a difficult challenge that you have. It’s not an easy challenge. You are not crazy.

Danielle: No, I create big challenges, Marc.

Marc: I get it.

Danielle: Yeah. So I would never have taken the easy workshop. It’s who I am, really.

Marc: Great. So this is an easy workshop. And it’s the workshop. And you have all the tools to do this.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: But it’s a different tool what usually helps you succeed. Probably what succeeds in your personal and professional life is you go for things. You see the right path. You choose the right to choose. Here’s how we’re going to do it. Here’s the game plan. Here’s what’s going to happen, it makes sense.

Right now, you need to be very much in the mode. You need to be nurturing. You need to be caring. You need to be forgiving of your body. You need to be a little high on life and understand that this is something that is bigger than you. You cannot overcome this by yourself. So this is us right now, acknowledging that, okay, so can’t overcome it by yourself. Meaning, with your horsepower and your brain and your mind is going to figure everything out.

So there’s a little bit of that that needs to happen. And there’s a little bit of feeling right now just feeling it all, just feeling it all and feeling the craziness of it. You might have to feel a little bit of chaos before you might start to feel some of the grounding. My sense is that you start to slow down a little bit more. You’re going to feel in a different way.

So slowing down with food, yes, it has a massive physiologic benefit but in so many ways it’s an emotional practice. Because it’s asking us to slow down in the very place where we really want to feel.

Because if we go down there, we would feel just the complexity and we’d feel the emptiness and the pain and the confusion and whatever is there, whatever is there. So you slowing down with food, really, what it is, is it’s you making peace with your body. You’ll to be at peace with your body is to be relaxed with your body.

Relaxation equals peace. Relaxation is acceptance in the moment. When you’re relaxed, you’re actually accepting in that moment of whatever. So we need to get you to have moments of that with your body where you’re just living and you have the experience and the feeling called, “I can just relax with this.” Even though it’s not a perfect body, even though I’m bloated, even though I’m gaining weight, even though I can’t understand why I’m gaining weight, I can still have a moment of peace. You’re being asked to find some peace during wartime. You catch the analogy there? So there is a war going on there.

Danielle: Yeah, for sure.

Marc: There’s a war in your life.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: I’m asking you to find moments of peace within that war. Because I have a feeling that the war has been happening for you long time. It’s been very internalized. And you’ve been able to succeed in the world. And now this peace is coming home for you. Now, this peace is saying, “Okay, okay, you focus your energy elsewhere. You’ve learned how to be successful and learned how to build a good life for yourself.” Put a lot of energy into these other places in your life. And yeah, you put energy into this life as well but not the kind of energy and attention to truly move you forward.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: Truly, truly move you forward. So now what I think is happening for you is you’re at that stage of life where life is saying, “Okay, here’s what we’re going to be doing. We’re circling back something important that you need to learn. That you embody now.” Because life doesn’t let us off the hook. If you’ve chosen to be a growing human, life is going to give you growth. Life will give you opportunity to grow. And it will often look like it’s a challenge. It will often look like irritating, stupid nonsense that I have to deal with. Nobody wants to deal with what you’re dealing with right now. It is not fun. And what I am to you is I’m asking you to address this challenge in a different way than ever, the heat turned up for you. But you have the skills now because you’ve never been more of an adult and you’ve never been more of a woman than you are right now. So it’s you learning how to stand by yourself and love yourself and not abandon you. Not push yourself. Not force yourself. Knock yourself. And not constantly be trying to fix yourself. And start to have moments where you let go and you go, “I give up.”

Danielle: That’s such a hard phrase, right.

Marc: Yes. I give up. Maybe it’s I surrender.

Danielle: Oh yeah.

Marc: Okay. Because ‘I surrender’ may be better words to put around that, surrender is power.

Danielle: Yeah, yeah. For sure. Choice, right?

Marc: Surrender is power. It’s a choice. It’s saying to the universe what is true. You can’t figure this out. And you’re pushing and pushing with your mind, and you’re forcing and you’re forcing, you’re stressing and you’re stressing, and you’re emphasizing the thing that has been causing you the change, which is being behind a battle with your body. You surrender. You’re not fighting your body anymore. Like, “Okay, body, I give up. I give up. I do. I can’t figure this out. This is very difficult. It’s very difficult to figure out. It’s not an easy one. I’ve tried all sorts of different things. And I just give up.” And giving up is not a sign of weakness. It’s a place where you find your power because you find your humanity there. You find your humility there. And you redirect because your strategies haven’t worked. So we’re trying something different now.

Danielle: Yeah, for sure.

Marc: That’s when one-one-one strategies don’t work, you do something different.

Danielle: Well, I keep pretending I’m doing something different, while doing the same thing.

Marc: Yeah. Well, and it makes sense. But you and everyone, this is not easy work, Danielle. It’s not easy work because it sounds like you’re being “I give up.” But what I’m really asking you to do is cease fire.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: And start to find a little trust. Because you have to be best friends with your body and you’re not. You’re a very conditional friend.

Danielle: Yeah, incredible.

Marc: Very conditional friend. And it doesn’t work anymore. It literally doesn’t work to be in the kind of relationship that you’ve been in with your body. You’ve been able to manage it and good for you, congratulations. You’ve actually been able to put your relationship with food and body that so many of us are born with into this world because of the crazy world. You’ve been able to kind of put that over here and tried to manage it. Build up your life. Stay relatively healthy and relatively okay up until now. Congratulations, great job, great job. Now, we got to address this head on. So again, what I’m telling you is you’re being hit. I want to remind you because it’s going to be hard for you to remember. You’re being hit with your biggest fear in life, just about.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: The fear of uncontrollable weight gain and I have no idea how to solve it. So what I’m saying is in the face of biggest fear, right now, I want you to be doing more breathing, more slowing down, and more surrendering, not more fighting, not more strategy, not more reading. I want you to actually do more feeling. And if that means you’re crying every day, five times a day, then so be it. Because what’s happening is you’re tired of the fight. It’s really tiring you. That by itself will stop your body from—like the stress of the fight will lock in whatever metabolic tweak is happening for you. Right now, your metabolism is not cooperating. It is not in its natural state. It’s got a kink in there somewhere.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: What will hold that kink in oftentimes that we’re highly allergic to really poor quality food, certain nutrient deficiencies, sure it’ll lock that in. But for sure what will lock that in is our fear and our anxiety and our stress that we bring to the situation. So there is a deeper level of self-love; self-acceptance; and in some situations, surrender, that when that happens it is the perfect medicine for the part of you that’s been fighting for, whew, I don’t know how long you’ve been fighting.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: For a long time.

Danielle: Yes.

Marc: So you’re tired of the fight. Your body is tired. Your body is not cooperating anymore. Your body goes, “Okay, I know what you want me to do.” So what I’m saying is, let’s go with that. Because the body has its own weird brilliance to it. The body is its own teacher. It’s a strange teacher in that way. It teaches us in ways that we don’t like.

But there’s a wisdom to it. It sounds like letting go means I’m going to be worse and I’m going to war. I’m not saying be irresponsible. I’m not saying, “Oh just eat whatever you want to eat.” I didn’t say that. I’m saying love yourself. I’m saying nurture yourself. I’m saying take care of yourself. That means with food. But caring for yourself with food as opposed to stressing yourself with food as best you can. It’s a practice.

Danielle: Yup.

Marc: You’re not going to do this overnight. But it’s a practice. And a little bit of trust that I’m going to try a different way now. And this way is a little bit more about surrender and waving the white flag and stopping the fight. There’s a core fight that will stop and I know you know what I’m talking about.

Danielle: Hundred percent.

Marc: Yes. Until you are ready to take your boxing gloves off, this shit isn’t going to go.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: Once that part starts to relax, this whole thing will start to unwind. You’ll have better ability to select the next correct steps. Things will start to make sense more. Otherwise, we have to pull back a little bit.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: In any war, you pull back from the front lines and gather the forces and strategize.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: You plan. You need to pull back front lines. You need to pull back from the fight. You need to lick your wound. You need to do a little rest. You need to do a little recovery from all the fight. And notice what happens when you do that. And trust that if this is truly something that sounds right to you, to find the place where you can trust your own journey. I’m not asking you to trust me at all. I’m asking you to trust your journey.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: I’m not asking you to trust my advice. I put it out like, “Hey, who wants a podcast?” You raised your hand. So this is a co-creation. So this is your journey. From your perspective, this is your journey. I’m an actor in your play.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: I’m a character in your movie. You’re the producer. I want you to direct your movie.

Danielle: Yup.

Marc: I want you to trust that your movie has a wisdom, that your journey your story is a beautiful one with a wisdom to it despite the fact that it could be irritating us all.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: Which it is right now, a little irritating for you right now. It’s a lot irritating. I really get it. I just have to put on my glasses so I could see the time. And I want to take the next two minutes to start to put a bow on this and wrap things up. How are you doing?

Danielle: A lot better than I look. I’m really good, really good. I mean I’d tell you how I feel, I feel like my soul is saying, “You know that’s right.” Because it’s just too tiring living like this. And the thing that’s really odd is this is what I teach, I teach people to slow down. I teach people self-acceptance and self-love as part of my work.

And so it’s interesting that the biggest story is still about me. I mean, I teach to heal, right? I mean, that’s part of the in-service but I’m healing at the same time. And it’s hard when you say let go, I’m committed to it, right? This is what I’m going to do, I’m going to do the surrender thing.

But when you talked about God and the universe—and I’m a Christian—and I know a few times where there are points in life where I know I need to say, “This is in Your hands now,” I can’t do it. Well, I don’t want to do it. I resist it all the time. So this is a lesson that has been calling me for a long time, a long time. Time to do it, right?

Marc: So you know what you have to do, what a great thing.

Danielle: Yeah. I do.

Marc: What a great thing. So I’m really happy for you because you are completely poised to make this next leap and it’s going to take time. But that’s perfect because it’s time. Things need time.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: Things need time to marinade. Things needs time to cook. Things need time to gestate. Things need time to be born. The new you needs time to be born. So this isn’t a problem you’re experiencing. This is a birthing process you’re experiencing. And birthing, if you recall, coming from the womb and getting squeezed out is not easy. That’s a weird event. And it’s a little messy.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: So you’re going to be in that stage for a little while now. I’m just saying, “It’s okay, get comfortable there.”

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: It’s going to be messy for a little bit but that’s a beautiful thing because after that, you’re going to be a different person. So let’s not put a time limit on it. And I know it’s nearly impossible for you to say, “Okay, it’s in your hands.” But that’s your task. Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: That’s your task. I want you to figure out, and I mean that, you figure out what’s going to keep inching you forward to help you do that. Whether it’s you getting help, you getting coaching, turning to friends, turning to mentors, to a coach in our community, whatever it is, you getting the kind of support you need to move in that direction. You follow me?

Danielle: Yeah, completely, completely. Thank you.

Marc: You are so welcome. I feel very honored. I feel honored to be part of your journey and you are doing some difficult work there, young lady. This is not easy. So I just want to acknowledge that you’re taking on something so big and so huge and the benefits of taking on are so stupendous. So for that, I really, really do. And this is why people don’t do this work because it’s so hard.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: And it’s so worth doing. It is so worth doing, so worth doing. And I know you know that and please get that.

Danielle: Oh I really know it. And I figured here’s a good thing coming off it. No one’s going to ever come to me with a more complicated case than me.

Marc: Exactly.

Danielle: I know a lot because it’s….

Marc: Exactly.

Danielle: So, yeah. And I understand it, right? So, yeah. It’s good. it’s good. Wow, I’ve got a feeling I’m going to be crying for a few weeks but I think that’s okay. I think it is overdue.

Marc: I think it’s a great thing. I really do.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: Yeah. And the tears don’t have to have a reason. They don’t have to have an explanation. Please don’t forget it’s just crying, because you’re crying, because you’re crying, because you’re crying, and the tears just do what they do.

Danielle: Yeah.

Marc: No reason needed.

Danielle: And then I get to emerge a queen, right?

Marc: Yes, you do. You do.

Danielle: It will be an exciting day.

Marc: It will.

Danielle: Thank you.

Marc: Danielle, great work. Good for you.

Danielle: Thank you, thank you. Thanks for being willing to do it with me.

Marc: Hey, my pleasure. Thank you, everybody, for tuning in. I so appreciate you being along for the ride with us. Once again, I’m Marc David, on behalf of the Psychology of Eating Podcast, always more to come. Take care, my friends.

The Institute for the Psychology of Eating © Institute For The Psychology of Eating, All Rights Reserved, 2016

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from Robert Morgan Blog http://psychologyofeating.com/psychology-of-eating-podcast-episode-205-successful-in-so-many-ways-except-weight-loss/