#sorry if this wasn't very helpful anon. i hope you get the medical support you need and want as soon as possible. and faster than i did

[emilnikos]

out of curiosity where'd you go/what did you have to do to get your T prescription? we're the same age but I have no idea where to go or what to do! :')

okay so. the way I got it might be different from yours bc of where I live. I'm from Scandinavia and started the process of pursuing medical transition around 5 years ago. I have no idea how things work outside of my own country sorry 😔

The first thing I did was talk to my GP who then referred me to a psychiatrist who I talked to for roughly 5-6 months. I believe I received a diagnosis of Gender Incongruence but idk if that's still required bc again. That was 5 years ago.

From surface level research it seems that it's still a diagnosis but doesn't mention anywhere if it's still required. so. shrugs. My psychiatrist then referred me to the only clinic in the country who helps you with this kind of stuff (there is one alternative you can use if you have a postal adress in the capital, which I don't) And then I had meetings with a professional there twice a year (if I was lucky the waiting lists are loong. but on average it should be twice a year) until I turned 18.

When I turned 18 I was transferred from the kids unit to the one for adults. Then I had to have a conversation with Two More psychiatrists (with a half year gap in-between yes still only biyearly meetings) who would then discern if I was ready and prepared for medical transition (though sometimes it felt like they were testing if I was "trans enough" lmao) and then after that they finally referred me to an endocrinologist, who I met with to discuss the side effects and risks of testosterone. and then I got my prescription.

[fandom-go-round]

Sorry if this is super tmi btw (I once had chest pain on my left side, anything that wasn't sitting still and breathing shallowlly was very painful and I went to the ER, i would not recommend it) I'd like some headcanons about a master with high blood pressure/heart issues with Fate/grand Orders Mori nagayoshi and caster Merlin, if you would be so kind dear author ♥️

I hope you feel better Anon, that doesn’t sound fun. Well wishes for you!

Warnings: Health Issues, Going to the Doctor, Long Term Health Affects, Heart Issues, Mentions of Chronic Issues/Pain, Illegally Looking through Medical Records (Merlin), Taking Medication

Mori Nagayoshi:

Mori isn’t going to notice anything unless you tell him yourself. As much as he cares about your safety, it’s from an external perspective. Sure, he notices if you trip or something like that but heart issues are outside his wheelhouse. Once you tell him, he’s a lot more conscious about how things can affect you and your heart.

He is, despite his best efforts, horrible at helping with your issues. Even when telling other people to leave you alone, Mori is yelling and adding more stress to the situation. He’s a lot quicker to calm down once he knows that your heart might not be able to take it. You’re not that fragile but don’t tell him that; better that he tries to restrain himself, even if it’s only a little.

Mori is great about getting people to give you space. If you’re having pain or need a minute he’s always there, being a physical barrier to anyone trying to get to you. It’s very helpful during field missions but he’ll do it back at Chaldea too. It’s wonderful to have a Berserker barrier between you and the world.

Mori loves intimidating people for you and he’s discovered a special love of making the doctors nervous. He knows that you don’t love going and makes it his mission that they all ‘behave’. What he means by this you don’t really know but doctors take you a lot more seriously than before and it’s nice. Part of you feels a little guilty but mostly bringing Mori ends a lot better than you would have feared.

Merlin (Caster):

Merlin knows the first time that meets you that something is going on. He is, at the end of the day, a healer and it’s not hard to notice things. He always plays off his concern but he does check in on you more than he did before. Merlin claims that he’s better with a sword than healing but don’t listen to him.

He may sneak a look at your medical records. It’s totally not illegal because the concept of hospitals is gone. There’s no world right now you know. He does it to make sure he can support you and it’s coming from a good place, even if it’s not ethical. If you end up telling him yourself, he’ll pretend he didn’t know specifics and the truth will never come out.

Merlin is wonderful in dealing with chronic pain. If he notices that you’re uncomfortable or in pain, a small healing spell is thrown your way. He uses his magic to support you and if you complain he waves you off. He’s a great mage Master, a few stray healing spells isn’t going to wear him out. No worries.

He thinks that it’s important you manage your health in terms of getting better. If you have to take medication, he’ll remind you and then see what happens. He’s not cruel if you forget (he always has extras) but he’s a bit of a mom about it. Merlin doesn’t love traditional doctors but if they’ve given you something, for sure he’s going to make you take it.

[asexual-society]

tw: brief mentions of trauma related to sex and mentions of genitals (non gendered) , stay safe

hello! for context i realized i'm ace around 3 years ago, and while i definitely feel like the label is fit for me, i also feel like some of my sex-repulsed characteristics, to the point of feeling very scared or disgusted, are also due to my trauma- and i'm not sure how to navigate this. my repulsedness fluctuates, but i'm always scared of irl contact and even touching ~down there~, at least like most people, including some aces do. I'm not sure if this is just the way i'll always be or if there's some healing that can be done in order to be at least more stable, but it is kind of making life inconvenient because i'm trans (ftm) and i'd like to medically transition, if it wasn't for the fact that my parts changing their shape and the way they function sounds very overwhelming and scary, even though i know i'd like to have this and get happy at the thought of me being naturally born with those characteristics i desire. Sorry if it's a bit of a long rant, i'd just like to find some guidance, or perhaps shared experiences with whoever's willing. Have a nice day !

Hey anon!

Sex repulsion as a result of trauma is unfortunately common, regardless of sexuality, and it can suck, especially if it's very extreme and distressing. There are some ways of getting yourself more comfortable and used to sexual subjects, depending on what specific things you are repulsed by, but these things have to be handled delicately and might not be something you can do alone without professional help. Since for a lot of ace people our sex repulsion doesn't affect our day to day lives much if we don't plan on being sexually active, it can be easily avoided without causing too many issues, but with medical transition and surgery which I'm assuming you're talking about, people being in the vicinity of your bits can be harder to avoid.

I would strongly advise you to speak to a therapist about your concerns because they may be able to talk you through your options and solutions better than Unqualified Internet Stranger (who would walk across hot coals before letting another human near their genitals) (they might also be able to point you in the direction of other resources to help you with non-gender-related sex repulsion). It's totally normal to be worried about intimate medical procedures, that's so normal I promise, they can be scary and overwhelming regardless of sex repulsion, and regardless of how positively you feel about the end results. That being said, depending on where you are, I know expressing these concerns to a doctor in places without informed consent (like the UK), or otherwise where they are looking for any excuse to withhold treatment, can be difficult, so if you are able to, speaking to a therapist unrelated to your transition could be another option.

Other than this, speaking to other trans people about their experiences with medical transition will probably be beneficial to you because they can give you first hand advice as well as emotional support. Reddit might be a good place for this if you're looking for advice specific to your geographical region, but there are plenty of blogs on tumblr too ofc.

If anyone has any more advice please feel free to comment, ik this can be a pretty nuanced topic.

Best of luck with your transition though anon, I hope you're doing okay <3

- mod key

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey, I need some validation maybe.

I don't know where to start... I am diagnosed with cptsd and most of the usual illnesses, that pair with it. 3 years ago I saw a therapist who wrote me sick for a year. But nothing changed during that year because I was still living with my mom, the root of my cptsd, and wasn't allowed to look for a therapist. That year went by and another where I could placate the state with my old sick-note. But this is now the 3rd year, the state doesn't pay me child support and all that other stuff you get in my country anymore, I don't have a health insurance anymore (I am working on that) and I am still not better. I am in a situation where I don't need the money because my partner earns enough. I moved out from my moms house for a few months but we moved back to her because my partner found a new job near her house and we are currently looking for our own apartment. During these few months I didn't find a therapist (because in my country it is common knowledge that you have to be on the waiting list for at least 1 year). I am in year 3 after college, never worked, and don't feel any better. And I feel so invalid. There are so many people with cptsd and other illnesses that go to work. But I can't. When I think about looking for a job I start shaking, when the topic comes up, I get a panic attack. I don't feel ready. Not at all. But I can't explain it to people, because they just think "Young person doesn't want to work". And I am myself unsure, if I couldn't overcome this feeling by just getting any job. But I suck at overcoming myself. I feel like all my energy goes out for comforting myself, making myself feel a little safe. There's no energy to leave this safety-bubble I created for myself. And I don't want to take just any job because my parents are from working class and all work brought them are several burnouts and heart attacks so...

I am sitting here, waiting for my medical insurance to be renewed, so I can start looking for a therapist that I will be able to visit in one year to work on my issues. I feel really shady, like a criminal, just "chilling my life" (sleeping 18 hours, having flashbacks in the meantime and when there's time I clean my moms house so she doesn't kick me and my partner out). There's not much more to say, just, that I feel such an amount of guilt.

Hi anon,

I'm really sorry to hear about everything you've been going through. It sounds like there are a lot of complicated facets to it. You've been dealing with a lot of stuff and it makes sense that you may feel very stressed out right now.

You don't deserve to compare yourself to others. Just because other people with CPTSD can go to work doesn't say anything about you. You're in a very difficult situation right now so it makes sense why that's not an option right now. Getting a job can be incredibly hard, not only physically but mentally as well. I'm wondering if you're on disability or considering, as you may be able to qualify.

I think the last thing you need is to feel guilty on top of everything you're dealing with right now. You deserve to be patient with yourself and allow yourself to process what you need to. You deserve kindness, especially from yourself.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[neopronounsmybelovaed]

Hi!

I'm not sure if you've been asked this before, and if so, I apologize.

I have a learning disorder. I struggle with basic English. I physically cannot understand neopronouns, but I respect them and those who use them. I spoke to some of the other SpEd kids at my school, and some teachers, but it's not something that can be worked on for me. It's unfortunate, but that's how it is.

What can I do to be more supportive? I'm trans myself, so I feel great distain to misgender someone, I just cannot understand them at all. I also don't feel super comfortable telling everyone "hey just so you know i'm disordered" in order to not be called like- a transphobe.

And, wow, I am gonna sound like an ass saying this, but please don't just respond by trying to explain them. My brain won't get it. It makes me feel really dumb.

Thank you.

Hi, anon! Thank you for trying your best to be supportive, I really appreciate it. I'm also very sorry in advance if I say anything ableist or sound like an asshole, feel free to call me out if I do.

The main alternative to neopronouns is aux pronouns (auxiliary? Is that how it's spelled? I prefer shortening it to aux), which are essentially backup pronouns for those who struggle with neos. A pretty decent chunk of the neopronoun community uses aux pronouns, about 2/3 on the survey. For example, my aux pronouns are he/she, and I wouldn't mind those used in place of my neopronouns.

I'm sure our community has assholes just like any group of people, but I hope that for the most part, people would be understanding when offering aux pronouns and not demand a full explanation of your disability. If anyone is rude like that, consider this your official "I don't need to give you my medical history to not get called a transphobe, bitch" card.

Another alternative to neopronouns or aux pronouns is just using a name. For example, if your friend Sam used xe/xem and really wasn't comfortable with he/she/they, but you can't use xe/xem for Sam, you could say something like "This is Sam, isn't Sam's hair really cool? I'm happy to be friends with Sam" and not use any pronouns.

I really hope this helps, and thanks again for trying to be as supportive as you can!

[lostandfem]

I am glad you are free to explore what way to live is truly right for you, sorry you had to go through something it turned out wasn't right for you, hopeful that all others will treat you and this decision with respect, and still furious that you seem to think that that justifies supporting people who want to take away the right to get the only treatment that works for transpeople. Why can't you just support other detrans people without saying something that clearly exists for transpeople doesn't exist and shouldn't be acknowledged? Is that impossible? Even if the concept turns out to be wrong, the treatments are provably effective for the vast majority, and taking them away - or mistreating those who get it - is provably harmful.

(cont) ... Same anon as before, and I want to apologize because I see I spoke before I read: I didn't realize you were still struggling with dysphoria to this degree, and it's wrong for me not to acknowledge that. I stand by my position that it is critical for transition resources to be available to those it might help, but I can also respect that sometimes those will be insufficient or simply the wrong treatment, and it is vital that we have resources for people for whom that is true, as well. This is not easy stuff. It hurts because I feel attacked and shamed for being something, and because I feel coerced by gender critical radfems who very much want to 'protect' me out of freedoms that should not be theirs to take, but I also want people to have options and support that include things other than transition. This whole thing drives me crazy (maybe crazier.) But you seem like you're not hateful, and you deserve to be fully listened to.

—

First of all, thank you for being respectful. It’s really nice to get asks that genuinely want to have a talk, even if they’re angry or upset.

I understand the hurt, having been there before myself, because of course you don’t want the care that’s helpful to you being taken away. It really isn’t easy, because you cannot support detrans people without being at least somewhat critical of the systems that allowed us access to trans-care.

I personally have no intention of mistreating those who get affirming medical treatment, and I have no doubt that being cruel to someone for any reason is harmful. But the unfortunate truth is that in order to keep out people like me whose dysphoria are not best treated with surgeries and hormones, there has to be limitations and better screenings put on affirming care. Literally all I needed was a letter from a clinical counselor (a therapist without the ability to diagnose) that I didn’t have psychosis. That’s it. None of my other mental health issues were addressed. My other mental health issues were considered as a completely separate phenomenon to my dysphoria. There’s no way they could be connected right? Let’s just put her in surgery.

I think where people get mad is assuming that less access to certain treatments means worse care. That doesn’t have to be the case. Limiting access means that resources are saved for those who genuinely need it. Surgery waitlists would be way shorter and more accessible to those that it is genuinely life-saving for. Why can’t there be a variety of care options? Why is changing your body and the entire context of your life the first and “best” when we haven’t explored any others or even really dug into the complete psychology of dysphoria? Why can’t we explore options that don’t have as many health risks (1 , 2, 3, 4, 5) and that don’t make you dependent on care for life? I have to question how effective that is.

Even for dysphoric people who are currently identifying as trans, the treatments aren’t even fully effective. I have an article with the testimony of Andrea Long Chu, stating that her dysphoria only ever grows even with her care, for example. I have a comic made by a transmasc saying similar. My own experience, too, is that dysphoria being treated with affirmation only ever finds more things wrong with you and wants more affirmating-changes.

But let’s say that the concept of gender is proven false one day and that’s accepted by a majority of society. I have to wonder how many trans people would look at themselves and go “oh my god, what did I do?” If the concept of gender didn’t exist, what would be their reasons for medically transitioning? What purpose would altering their body serve if they aren’t trying to affirm anything? If gender didn’t exist, there wouldn’t be anything saying a masculine gender identity (ie the internal feeling of masculinity) necessitates a male body. It would simply be a masculine feeling, and there’d be nothing to feel dysphoric about. Ideally we’d only be left with people who’s dysphoria was caused by something other than rigid gender roles, and those people can get the care they need.

Ultimately I want to say that it is your choice, anon. Limiting access to care is about preventing people who don’t need it from accessing it. If someone truly needs it, they should get it. But it’s hard to know who really needs it when we haven’t been exploring any other options. There should be, and can be, options for people with dysphoria.

[txemrn]

I am sorry but I respectfully disagree with your rationale for Ethan and MC’s relationship and particularly age gap being a barrier. In the game, nowhere does it say that the age gap is 10 years. It’s a natural conclusion but medical students and residents come in all ages. While there is an age gap, the length of it depends on the background one would presumably create for their MC.

I know you mentioned in your post that you don’t understand other people’s supposed OOC approach to Ethan. And that is your right. But even with the caveat you added to your response to that anon, the words you used to denigrate other people’s MC and Ethan relationship dynamics and experiences was insulting to those creators.

Hey, anon!

Thank you so much for coming directly to me and sharing your thoughts with me.

If it's okay with you, I'd like to go through this point by point.

You're right in that we don't know how old MC is in canon. Also, residents do come in all ages. Some people go straight through school after high school; some immediately go to making money and working after high school. Some people serve in our military while others go to school for a completely different career and choose to go to med school at a different time.

My concern wasn't age (even though it is a small factor); my concern for MC was her stage in life. A novice. Inexperienced. Hey, we all start out there one way or another, but we are talking about doctors here. I would never put them on a pedestal in comparison to other vocations, but they are a different breed, and an intern is unbelievably different from a well-seasoned diagnostician. That's all I was trying to say.

🚨TRIGGER WARNING🚨 (discussion of mental health)

This will probably be my only chance to explain myself, so I hope you don't mind if I use this opportunity to discuss my words and my intentions. I really do appreciate it.

In my original post, I wrote that I was "naturally curious why some may write these characters so OOC." I have been an active part of the Choices fandom for over 2.5 years, and I have seen all sorts of stories and stretches of the imagination. I do not say this flippantly or with disgust, but that we have a very creative fandom, and I want to know why people decide to go certain directions.

When I wrote out those descriptions of what people have done to LIs and MCs, I truly have no idea who specifically in the Open Heart fandom writes like this (I've only been writing OPH for about a year, and I'm on the outskirts of this fandom). I was thinking of what I have seen (and I have written myself) in the TNA and TRR fandoms, and they get awfully fluffy and awfully angsty and awfully OOC. I figured this must exist here.

What I have learned in my time here on Tumblr is that sometimes people make their LIs and their MCs and OCs OOC because it helps them cope (I'd like to reiterate 'sometimes'). It makes them feel good. Some people are obsessed with specific tropes because it makes them so happy. However, I have had the privilege of meeting people here who are either in terrible situations or they have been rescued from terrible situations, and it shows in their writing.

As an example, I personally write a lot of angsty situations. I have been asked all sorts of questions (some quite inappropriate) about my childhood because of my love of creating more emotional stories.

The point of all of this is some of these stories do come from darker places. I love that we have the gift of fanfiction to help some people cope and to get through those hard times. But, like I said before, "I just hope that if these stories are stemming from a sad or angry place IRL, I hope they are getting the help they need." Mental health is not something I would ever joke about. I truly do hope that the person who has darker thoughts and it spills it out into their writing: I hope they are reaching out to get help, whether that is talking to someone (a professional), joining a support group, or maybe even enlisting the help of a doctor and/or medications. My comment came from a place of genuine concern.

Now, having said that, to the creators I have offended, I would love the opportunity to talk with you and apologize. My intentions were never, ever to insult anyone. If you are one of those individuals reading this right now, I understand that you might not feel comfortable approaching me, and I understand. Please know that I would love to make this right, and I'm here to listen.

Anon, thank you so much for being brave and being honest with me. I really do appreciate your "ask" and your kindness.

[jimkirkachu]

you’ve been afk for a while, are you alright? what happened? 🥺🥺 (੭ ･᷄﹏･᷅)੭ु⁾ any Kitty updates?

Hi hon, thank you for your note and your lovely emoji guy!! Those sparkles...... they're so magical......! 👀✨

(Sob story follows)

(Disclaimer: I promise I'm not deliberately trying to gain sympathy or pity!!!)

So........ it's been a rough few months. I've had an aunt and a cousin pass away; my longtime mentor retired but I had to, well... avoid the huge celebration that was thrown in his honor because The Abuser was there (thankfully I knew ahead of time so I wasn't blindsided, but it still sucked not to be there); and I've sort of been having a whole identity crisis, trying to figure out if I'm non-binary, gender non-conforming, gender confused for sure, then trying to communicate that to my family, and everyone I've told has been very supportive (for which I'm extremely grateful!) but it's just stressful trying to get up the nerve to talk about such personal things when you have no idea how it's going to be received. Especially when you're accustomed to never talking out loud about Anything personal because you've been conditioned to understand that your feelings are Too Much to dump on any one person and every time you've slipped up in the past and even obliquely talked about your feelings, you've gotten in trouble for it. (Let's just put it this way: I'm in a text message group chat which is active every day, and I got to a point where it was making my mental health so bad that I muted all the notifications--and I now have 709 unread messages as of this writing.)

On top of all that, there's the unfortunate kitty news. My cat (the big black one, Ensign Kittycat) is doing just fine (and my dearest anon, you have reminded/inspired me to come up with a new kitty/Trekky post sometime soon 🤔🥰). My mom's cat, however, is rather old and has been in declining health for the last couple of years. It's been at least a year since she lost whatever was left of her hearing (she's always had bad ears), but about 3 months ago she also lost most of her sight, and it was actually an overnight change, which was really freaky and scary. One day she was deaf but otherwise pretty much fine, the next morning she walked directly into the light from my bedside lamp and stared up at me with her eyes Fully dilated, and ever since that night/morning she's gotten around by memory, possibly by sensing light/darkness, but mostly just by feeling her way with her whiskers, which means she gently bumps into everything (walls, furniture, people, other cat, etc.) and it's just... really sad. Our vet confirmed that she is definitely in kidney failure, so we've started her on a whole plethora of medications, and I know it sounds like a weak excuse for being emotionally exhausted but it's really taken a toll. She wails about a dozen times a day/night (loud enough to be heard across the house and/or to wake us up) any time she goes to lie down somewhere and feels... pain? loneliness? who knows? I know she's "just" a pet, and she's technically not even my pet. But she's been part of our family for 17 years and being essentially incapable of helping her, having to watch her health/comfort/quality of life slowly decline is devastating. 😔

Otherwise, it's been the same old song and dance with the multiple mental illnesses, the unemployment, the constant comparisons between self and more-successful friends/peers/family members, the fantastically inconvenient sleep phase problems, and the overall feelings of worthlessness/hopelessness. 😕 It's all been something of a hindrance to my writing and creativity in general, which is a frustration in its own right, but... I think I've whined enough for one post (yikes).

I'm so sorry anon, I wish I had better things to report. 😔😣 But I really appreciate you checking in 💜💜💜 Thank you for caring; I hope things are going more smoothly for you than they are for me!

[rawresparza]

It has been a crappy past few days, and I turn out to be not very good at being supported and/or comforted. But I suspect I'm not the only one. May I please prompt you to show us Rafael learning to be loved by Sonny? I bet it wasn't easy for him. Please and thank you?

HI, anon! I’m so sorry you’ve had a rough few days and I hope things have at least started to look up. I totally understand what you mean because I have a hard time in that regard, too, and sometimes I still struggle with it. I definitely agree Rafael would, as well. I hope this is at least a little bit along the lines of what you were thinking and if not, I hope it’s still okay. May the rest of your week be brighter

–

Rafael has had a grand total of approximately seven hours of sleep, forty-eight hours of a migraine, and zero hours of patience over the last three days and if anyone would bother to ask, he’d say he’s very much fed up with it.

Well, no, that’s not true at all. A number of people have asked, Sonny has asked him so many times he’d lost count, and he’d only responded with increasingly gruff versions of “I’m fine.” Sonny knows damn well he’s not fine, he hadn’t been fine when the defense had dropped a surprise fucking witness on this case and he hadn’t been fine when he’d popped prescription ibuprofen for the umpteenth time, even though it hardly ever works to get rid of the pounding in his head.

But he can’t slow down, he doesn’t know how, that’s not in his blood. Always keep moving, keep busy, that had been his philosophy as a kid because it’d meant maybe, just maybe, he could avoid a bad evening at home or a run-in with some older boy or another he’d mouthed off to that day. Either way, slowing down would mean risking getting caught in someone’s snare, and coming up with new excuses for his bruises for concerned teachers or the school nurse or even the ER doctors was never worth the trouble.

Upon deeper reflection, he supposes one could make the argument that at this point in his life, he’s really just running away from the very thing that could help him: taking a break, taking a breath, letting someone take care of him. He’s just not used to that and seven months into this relationship with Sonny, Rafael is a little concerned he never will be. Comforting other people has never been his forte and he’s even worse when it comes to being comforted but that’s why he’s never made any real effort to make friends. He’d had Eddie and Alex and even Yelina as a kid; but with friends like them, why would he dare pursue anything like that as an adult? Getting close to people had only ever led to getting hurt, in his experience.

Sonny had somehow managed to evade the walls he’d carefully built up around himself over the past couple decades, Rafael has no idea how he’d done it. A few invitations out to coffee then drinks then dinner, that absurd Staten Island accent murmuring sweet nothings in his ear, a kiss on a rooftop with a half-decent view of the Manhattan skyline, these are all things that had led Rafael down the path to his own demise; that is to say, he’d let himself fall in love. He doesn’t regret that, he could never regret that, but sometimes, Rafael feels like maybe he doesn’t deserve it.

This is one of those times.

With Buchanan and his piece of shit client looking all kinds of arrogant on the evening news, Rafael’s mood has taken a turn from bad to awful. He’d popped another two ibuprofen against the advice of his boyfriend–

“Did you finally hit up Fordham for your medical degree while I wasn’t looking?”

–and now he’s feeling especially petty because Sonny had been right, he shouldn’t have done it, especially not on an empty stomach. He’s had seven coffees and half a stale granola bar he’d found buried in his office desk drawer today. When Sonny had asked what Rafael wanted him to bring home for dinner, Rafael had lied and said he’d already eaten.

Why? He doesn’t know. Maybe he’s just always been a sucker for self-sabotage, old habits die hard. It’s easier to push people away than admit he could use the help.

He can feel Sonny watching him watch the news and it’s unnerving. His body betrays him, works against him, tenses up even though he doesn’t want to draw attention to the fact that he’s getting more and more irritated by the second, by virtue of the fact that Sonny is simply existing beside him. That isn’t fair, he knows that, but he also knows Sonny will earnestly try to offer any form of assistance possible and that’s the opposite of what Rafael wants. What he wants is to be left alone to wallow in his frustration, he wants Sonny to go back to his own damn apartment so he can get sufficiently buzzed off a few pours of the good scotch he saves for shittier days before hopefully getting another hour of sleep.

Instead, Sonny’s hand finds its way to the nape of his neck, fingertips playing with the ends of Rafael’s hair. It feels good. He’s not used to feeling good. Before Sonny, he’d barely remembered what it was like to feel at all. On better days, things between them are incredible, it’s like living in fantasy world compared to what Rafael’s previous, much more short-lived romances; but on days like this, he wishes he was still alone. At least he has the decency to feel bad about that, he supposes.

“You should turn that off,” Sonny says, tilting his head toward the TV screen. Rafael purses his lips, the lines at the corners of his eyes deepening, but Sonny doesn’t heed the warning. “And you should eat something. Carmen told me she only saw you guzzling coffee during recesses.”

“Carmen’s not my mother and neither are you,” Rafael says. He doesn’t bother to hide his bitterness but Sonny doesn’t even flinch. It’s a little infuriating.

“No, I’m your boyfriend,” Sonny says patiently. Sonny’s fingers travel up over Rafael’s hair, webbing out over his scalp and pulsing just slightly at just the right pressure points. It sends a shiver down Rafael’s spine and his eyes flutter shut as a relieved sigh escapes him. “I’m your boyfriend, and I love you, and I really wish you’d just let me do something to help you. Feed you, hold you, tell you nice things, whatever. Anything.”

Rafael slowly blinks his eyes back open, still reeling a bit from how much tension has already left his body just from one gentle massage. But it’s not the massage, it’s Sonny. Of course it’s Sonny, it’s always been Sonny. “Okay. Tell me something nice.” It’s conceding without conceding, he’s really just testing the waters, but he turns the TV off anyway and his heart flutters in his chest when he’s met with a pair of dimples.

“I got the recipe for your favorite dish from your ma.” Sonny hesitates, studying Rafael for a reaction. “She said she used to make it for you when– well, when things weren’t so good at home. I’m sure it won’t be as good as how she does it but…” He trails off when Rafael straightens up in his spot on the couch, shaking Sonny’s hand from his head. “I’m sorry, did I overstep?”

Rafael catches Sonny’s hand before he can pull it away, shaking his head, a look of awe taking over his expression. “You called my mom? You did that for me?”

“You’ve just been so stressed out,” Sonny says, lowering his eyes sheepishly. “This case has been rough, I know, but you’re barely sleeping and I’m sorry, you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my life, but Raf, you seriously look like you might keel over any second. I just figured, if you won’t take care of yourself, I can do it for you until things get back to normal.”

Swallowing hard, Rafael considers Sonny’s words, turning them over in his mind, examining them piece by piece. It’s not a hard bargain Sonny’s driving, he suspects most people would be thrilled to have their significant others say something like that to them. It’s just that over the years, he’s developed a habit of being suspicious of those who extend kindness his way. He’s not proud of that but it is what it is.

Maybe it’s time he starts to unlearn that. Maybe it’s time he starts trusting Sonny not just with the good but with the bad and everything in between. It’s time he starts getting used to the idea Sonny isn’t going to run when things get hard

“It’s hard for me,” Rafael admits. “I’m not great at the whole asking for support thing.”

“No kidding,” Sonny teases, arching a brow.

Rafael’s smile reaches his eyes, genuine but brief before he takes on an air of sincerity again. “I want to be better at it. That might take time, but I want to let you in.”

“Well, lucky for you, I’m very patient when it comes to gorgeous, green-eyed ADAs. Especially ones with really short fuses.”

“You’re going to take a dig at me while I’m opening up to you?” Rafael asks, huffing with mock indignance. Even as he does, he settles in next to Sonny, lowering his cheek to his boyfriend’s shoulder and smiling against the soft fabric of a Fordham Law shirt while Sonny’s arm drapes over his shoulder.

“To be fair, I complimented you in the same breath, so those clearly cancel each other out.”

They laugh together and it’s like the air has cleared. The room feels different. Sonny kisses his hair, and Rafael doesn’t even consider pulling away. He’s found an anchor in Sonny, a happy place in Sonny’s arms. Somehow, he’d stumbled into this, having no idea what to expect. Rafael had never imagined he’d be this fortunate.

“By the way,” Sonny says, “I picked up some kung pao and fried rice for you at the Chinese place we like. I’ll heat it up for you if you want it.”

God, he loves this man. With every last part of himself, Rafael loves Sonny more than he’d thought he had the capacity to love someone. It surprises him, every single day, the ferocity with which he feels for this one person because he’s never felt that with anyone else before. Sometimes he cringes at himself for throwing the word “soulmate” around in his head because that’s not like him, that isn’t a concept he’s ever believed in, but Sonny has a way of making Rafael believe in the impossible.

Tomorrow, when he’s back in court, he’s sure he’ll be pissy and snappy and anyone who crosses his path will suffer his wrath; but at the end of the day, he’ll remember he has this. He has Sonny.

That makes it all worth it.

[badacts]

I honestly don't want to start discourse so u don't need to publish/answer this if u don't want to! But I personally see Andrew's relation w/ his meds as a wake up call. My father spent an year taking meds to treat bipolarity just because his dad has it, and I'll tell u, it wasn't nice. it took him a long time to recover, too. When he went to a different doctor, they were completely shocked and offended. Now he's taking meds for depression & it's fine, but shit that year was scary...

helloooo anon and yes i’m completely with you. i can’t comment on your dad’s experience except to say that i’m sorry you guys had to go through that! and yes, i agree that not all doctors are good doctors, and that also many patients have to fight for equal and appropriate care, especially disabled and poor patients. and that’s scary! but on the other hand there are also some wonderful doctors and other mental health professionals who work very hard to treat mentally ill people (like me, and your dad) and who have a great deal of success at helping people. 

obviously i can’t comment on other countries, but my big things in real life in my country are a) wanting doctors who work with mental health patients (especially general practitioners) to be better educated in appropriate across-the-board treatments based on symptoms, and b) increasing access to information and education for mentally ill people on their illnesses, and supporting and advocating for people who aren’t straight, white, able-bodied and rich. i want to be able to do this is small ways through my blog and real life social media presence now, and i’m hoping in the future to expand that!

so, i’m the first to say that there are absolutely issues with how mentally ill people are treated by society as a whole and by medical professionals, and i’ve seen that from both angles. on the other hand, i don’t want people to read tfc and see it as a reason to not get medical care for their mental illness, and to not take medication, because it is not a realistic portrayal of medication side effects or general psychiatric care pretty much any sense, and considering it as such could be potentially harmful in a way that bothers me!!

basically, i understand why you would see the risks of inappropriate medication considering your experiences and i completely agree with you, but on the other hand the consequences of people not receiving medical care because of a book could be death, so. that’s my angle, really.

[positivepastel]

To Everyone: Please do not encourage others to take medication (＞人＜;) My health issues led me to seeing a therapist for help. I ended up getting prescribed medication. No one told me what it was for or any side effects. Only the name, Flouxetine. I thought it was to help my health issues. Found out later depression wasn't the cause. The medications side effects hit me hard, it ruined a lot in my life. Still effects me today. Don't make the same mistake. 「You can fight & win without medication♡ 」

Hi anon, I’m very sorry to hear that you’ve received so many unfortunate side effects due to your use of medication. You didn’t deserve that and I hope these side effects will lessen over time for you. I know you have good intentions but I have to say that I disagree with you. Medication has saved so many lives and continues to make life much more bearable for millions of people. Personally, I have had a good experience with my medication and I know many others that have as well. Just like anything, how someone reacts to something depends on the person. Someone might have tons of success on one medication and someone might not have any results on that same kind. I don’t want people thinking that they have to recover all on their own without a little helping hand and that’s what medication is. It makes things a lot more manageable and I truly know people who might not still be alive if it wasn’t for their medication. There’s no shame!! I advise everyone to make sure they do a little research on the brand of medication they are prescribed first, see if it’s reputable, if it’s been around for awhile, read the list of side effects etc. It’s always good to be informed of something you’re ingesting but as someone who was completely against going on medication when it was introduced to me, I would want my followers to know I support and recommend it.