#sorry if some look kinda weird... i kinda suck at pixel art Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[pardycity]

hi sovstuck fandom. have some sovstuck blinkies!!! (if you wanna use them, feel free!!!! credit isnt required, go fucking wild :o])

[cfrick]

Horny game review #3: Lust Doll+. I did an informal summary in another post, but this is going to be my FULL ramble. Not very spoiler-free, but I do not recommend going into this game blind.

Quick summary if you didn't see my other ramble: Lust Doll+ is a scifi/fantasy RPG. You are a "doll" who wakes from a test tube in a post-apocalyptic wasteland full of monsters and furries (and also humans but who cares about those guys). It's a perfect mix of magic, tech, rpg tropes, and so much sex.

Okay so this game sucks. BAD. But sadly I'm obsessed (source: my 35+ hour main save file). Let me go over everything terrible first so you can understand my conflicted opinions.

First and most obvious issue: the art. Now look, this is a game made entirely by one guy, I get it, I'm not expecting AAA graphics here. It's a dinky top-down RPG and it's not even made in RPGmaker. But the overworld is literally just colored squares. And i don't mean like pixel art. It is just a gridmap. The vaguest suggestion of an environment. If you want to play this game, you gotta have a wildly vivid imagination like me cause it is 90% narration doing all the work. That last 10% is the character sprites, which are in a basic anime style with a noticeable lack of hands. All the characters look straight out of a How To Draw Anime book you'd find on clearance at Michaels. It is nothing to write home about. But hey I respect it! This game is updates twice a month! Whatever works!

Some of the questlines are also reminiscent of old confusing adventure games. You will absolutely find yourself lost on what to do next at some point. I always play with the wiki open on the side, it's very well-maintained. There is an NPC who will give subtle hints in-game for a small fee, but they're so well-hidden you'll need the wiki to find them anyways.

Now the actual complaints. The content of the game. This game has a huge list of kinks and fetishes it covers, I won't even try listing them all, it's got TONS (but no robots 😔). And a good amount of those are optional content! The game has a whole menu called The Sanctum you can access at any time to turn kinks on and off as you please! That's a big plus, I love that part! But there's still plenty you can't avoid.

Due to how gameplay works, noncon is entirely unavoidable. It's a battle fuck game. Do not even touch this game if you can't handle things being done to you or doing things to other people without consent. That's the whole point. There's no safeword (except for a small section of the game where you can engage in actual safe bdsm scenes. that part has a safeword).

There's also a lot of racism?? Like just the most fetishy representation you can imagine. There's two whole questlines late-game that are kinda uncomfortable, and one NPC early on that is required to interact with for a quest. If you're looking for games with good representation, this is NOT it. Not even close. And I'm still gonna talk good about this game, I'm sorry, but my standards are SO low for these games. I'm just glad I finally found a free porn game with ZERO incest or underage stuff. That part is truly miraculous.

Another essential warning: don't bother with the "trap/femboy" setting. It is as bad as it sounds. It affects one very minor character who is not worth the effort to find, the story literally forces you to be transphobic to them, it is so bad. The futa setting, on the other hand, has tons of content, and it's not the worst out there? Like it's for sure not good trans rep, or trans rep at all, i promise you none of the characters in this game identify as trans except for one confirmed nb shopkeep, but hey. It's something! I'll go into this in full, but so much of the game is so casual about gender and sexuality, those few weird sections really stand out. Good news is, these scenes can at least be turned off in the menu if they make you uncomfortable.

Okay. That's all the big negatives. Now let's talk good.

This game is like the undertale of porn rpgs. Every encounter has two options: fighting and fucking. The battle system is built upon these two bars, a classic HP meter, and a pink lust meter. Certain actions will do physical damage, lust damage, or a mix of both ;) As the pink bar fills, you'll get stat debuffs, and once it's full, you are forced to surrender out of desperation and left at the mercy of your opponent. And yes, all enemies have this too. I have found one enemy in the whole game you can't at least try to fuck your way past. Most have multiple options for "finishing" scenes if you win, and usually one "defeat" scene if they take you out. Also (pretty far into the game) there's a competitive sex minigame. Check out The Island it's very fun.

[a meme i made upon first finding the island]

Beyond battle sex, there's also sooo many options for casual sex with the many NPCs. The game will ask what sort of genders you're interested in, but look, if you're exclusively into dating men? Do not expect much. There is One properly romancable man and he cums on sight (Also the way his storyline currently ends he might not be a man?) So many romancable women tho! And some male enemies you can fuck in the battle system! And everyone is very bisexual!

Since we're covering sexuality, let's talk the player character's gender options. There's four pronoun options (he, she, they, and it) and So. Much. Body. Customization. They will let you do Anything. AND, throughout the game, there's tons of options to switch things up! As someone who plays porn games like a completionist, the fact that I can have boobs, a vagina, and a dick, all at the same time, allowing me to access Every Sex Scene in one save file is just perfect. There's even exclusive "both" sex scenes, and characters are very cool about it like its no big deal. And, only occasional pronoun fuckups in narration! With all the text in this game, I'm not surprised some things slip through. Other than that, character customization is pretty good, for human and nonhuman options. Not the most extensive furry options I've seen, and someone on the wiki keeps complaining about the lack of ferret options, but still plenty you can do. There's also tattoo and piercing options once you're in the game!

Clothing options are honestly disappointing in my opinion, and also the weapon options, which is weird for an rpg. I wound up just grinding my strength stat real high so i can take everything out with my bare hands. It looks better aesthetically and saves my ass if i forget to equip something (its very easy to forget to equip something).

I'm gonna add a section here to just mention all the stupid facts and tips I have. There's a whole pregnancy mechanic (optional), that goes all the way through giving birth, but since the dev hasn't added a way to settle down and raise children yet, your baby just gets put into adoption and everyone pretends it never happened. There's a quest where you have to find cowfolk throughout the world and recruit them to your farm to produce more milk (good health item + money source). Customize your character's default expression, it's a really minor thing but it adds a lot of personality. You can get arrested if you jack off in public bathrooms too much, and i recommend you don't do that, the cop character sucks and you should avoid her as much as possible, acab. If you take a very specific amount of steps before going to sleep, you will have The Dream and unlock your Hidden Desire, which allows some bonus (very silly) interactions with NPCs. The Mpreg status effect was recently renamed to Ass Pregnant, because it can happen to anyone, regardless of gender. Diversity Win.

You will surely hear more about this game from me. But that us all for now. Fanart was posted separate because I wrote a Lot, but thanks for reading anyways :]

[smaradog]

time for an introduction

hello! im smaradog but you can call me smara or mar for short, i have a weird sense of humor that feels edgy but i dont do jokes that are at anyones expense, or say weird things, since its not really something thats part of me at all, making others feel bad and/or uncomfortable is against all i stand for, at the same time my humor can kinda be silly/catgirlesque for lack of better description?? (??? ihave no idea what im saying) and kinda fecalfunny style humor overall.

dni if youre a bigot or a terf or some stupid shit like that

anyways im a neurodivergent asexual trans girl (she/her, it/its fae/faer, sli/slime pronouns please!) who speaks spanish and stuff idunno!! (i am not from spain dont pile me on with them IHATE SPAIN!!!! /j)

so yeah i draw a lot of lesbians and whatever else comes to mind

[art tag!]

i WILL start talking about something im working on or something i like for WHOLE PARAGRAPHS so be WARNED!! and heres some insane things i do!

the insane things i do in question:

art (digital and traditional)

pixel art

sound design

3d modeling (learning the basics)

music (regular music and chiptunes, and whatever weird experimental thing i can make also it kinda sucks but shh)

storyboards

modding/romhacking games

kind of a jack of all trades really! so yeah thats basically it! have a list of me dumping like a million interests i have

music: the strokes, arctic monkeys, gorillaz, daft punk, indigo quest, red vox, muse, crx, albert hammond jr., royal blood, enjambre, bandalos chinos, comisario pantera, lemon demon, tally hall, the voidz, fish in a birdcage, nelward

chiptune (counting psg chips, fm chips, low quality samplers, etc.) [fade, tim follin, jeroen tel, squarewave, shoob2000, 4mat, rushjet1]

animated shows:

the owl house

amphibia

ena

one piece (at enies lobby arc rn)

yu yu hakusho

jojos bizarre adventure (i cant deny it even if i dont talk about it, stopped at part 5)

one punch man (kinda, dont remember a lot)

adventure time (havent kept up since grass sword episodes)

ok ko (literally dont remember what the last thing that happened was)

regular show (stopped keeping up at some point) showing interest in: gravity falls, infinity train, hunter x hunter and mob psycho

films:

literally any spiderman movie from anything 2002 - now (i know theres older obscure ones)

(cant think of anything else whoops)

games:

terraria

halo (anything pre 343 sorry)

castlevania series

bloodstained

undertale/deltarune

omori (kinda lost interest)

doom (classic series, havent played 2016 and eternal)

half life series

sonic series

mega man series (classic)

minecraft (kind of? i'd rather play beta 1.7.3, but especially a fan of better than adventure)

celeste (havent finished, one of the few insane people that didnt use assist mode at the hotel chapter)

umjammer lammy

parappa series

castle crashers & battleblock theater

serious sam series

splatoon series (havent played splatoon 3)

dont starve together (i dont play often and im not super familiar with the lore) night in the woods (looks nice but. didnt finish at ALL)

portal series (i 100%ed the first game)

streamers:

vargskelethor joel (probably on top along with jerma)

vinesauce vinny

jerma985

grayfruit (i watch sometimes)

simpleflips (i watch very rarely)

i also like a few webcomics but honestly i dont remember at the time of making somehow, you can ask me about one of them though! (its not homestuck i swear /gen)

i ALSO also have super weird interests over niche little 80s - 2000s technology and stuff

due to personal reasons, i have 3 things i dont wanna hear about, but im not gonna mention them on this post.

if you made it this far reading you are insane honestly but shoutouts to you

[fizzyeggg]

i should really actually post my art on this site either way i'll still answer this lol

1. ms paint, used to use it before i moved to aseprite, paint.net kinda counts but i do use it sometimes because the magic wand tool in it is cool

2. left or right is equally easy for me, but forward? hhGRGAAAAAAAAA

3. i like to remaster a lot of really really old drawings i made on ms paint (because i got a computer wayyyy too early), only one i can think of off the top of my head is the mushroom guys

4. humans are just bitches to draw in general. hate those things

5. i keep literally all of it to myself

6. adventure time's art style tends to creep into some of my stuff, also eyes are a weird motif in a lot of my art that i just kinda throw in because it's the first cool pattern i can think of

7. sculpting man... HOW do they do that?? i've tried it before but i can't touch clay without proceeding to just squish and knead it for an hour instead of making anything of value

8. oh i got a ton of those. deltarune missing link (the discarded vessel having spooky shenanigans in the void), a deltarune swap AU i came up with where papyrus switches with susie, rouxls switches with ralsei and other stuff, deltascryption (deltarune/inscryption crossover spritecomic) so mostly deltarune stuff. sorry deltarune

9. batshit insane. i crawl to my computer like a dying rat and sift through hundreds of files titled shit like "743567hgrgh", "cheese" and "glumbo go glumbo go glumbo go" only to find the one i was looking for, titled "scrunk table" which is just a bunch of pvz fanart

10. i hate drawing clothes, but overalls are fun i guess

11. usually my playlist filled with STRANGE and EVIL music, but this board game podcast my dad listens to (called ludology) is also nice

12. most of the human body sucks but can i choose bug body parts?? a thorax or abdomen perchance?? pretty please?

13. this is hard to answer since most creators i admire are My Thing so instead i'll say My Thing is absolutely whatever the hell bep/anne and squimpus mcgrimpus' vibe is, their art is the goofiest coolest shit and i love it so so much

14. EYES EYES EYES EYES EYES EYES

15. in my cave, on the puter

16. i don't really know tbh, my motivation for anything is because it's fun

17. i mean if i happen to have food there yeah. which i usually do, and it's usually dried fruit, nuts and/or cheese because i have the diet of a pet rat

18. HAH!! GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY!!! THINKS A DIGITAL ARTIST CAN "BREAK THEIR ART SUPPLIES" HAH!!!! (i have accidentally snapped a drawing tablet in half once please don't ask)

19. impossible triangles man... i care them

20. BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS

21. as a pixel artist i really like people who can pull off 1 bit / two colour stuff and i do want to try it at some point

22. NONE!!! (my dyspraxia grows worse by the second)

23. i have artist friends who draw normal, sane digital art and cry as they realise they've drawn on layer #7769 instead of layer #5443. they work on a new inch of their drawing and open up another layer, catapulting the total into the millions. as their tired eyes look upon me, they ask "hey how many layers do you use" my face contorts into an evil smirk "ONE" they cower and scream at my raw power

24. yeah, i probably don't notice though

25. okay... d-dwarf fortress?? it's all CHARACTERS what do they MEAN by this

26. okay so i was drawing my evil lesbian lady "Dr. E. Vile" and she has a bunch of arms with cartoon gloves on them i have no idea how five separate friends of mine said "I like her chef hat" THEY ARE GLOVES WHERE DID IT ALL GO SO WROOOONGG

27. my warm up drawings tend to be me going "time to draw the Thing", and immediately creating the most wretched abomination known to man, so abhorrent in its anatomy that i have to start over entirely

28. nope. too much pressure man WAIT I WAS IN A RAIN WORLD THING https://youtu.be/jBu7gOwtYSY?t=1628 LOOK MA I'M ON TV

29. this is a weird way to answer the question, but i DESPARATELY want to draw in a similar weird and 'unfinished' type of style that stuff like yume nikki, ENA and INTERFACE have it's just that i have no idea how to actually emulate it, like how to create that specific uncanny/eccentric vibe well

30. hahahahahahahahaha (they all are)

Weirdly Specific Artist Ask Game

Didn't see a lot of artist ask games, wanted to make a silly one.

(I wrote this while sick out of my mind last year and it's been collecting dust in my drafts, I might as well let it run free) 1. Art programs you have but don't use

2. Is it easier to draw someone facing left or right (or forward even)

3. What ideas come from when you were little

4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw

5. Estimate of how much of your art you post online vs. the art you keep for yourself

6. Anything that might inspire you subconsciously (i.e. this horse wasn't supposed to look like the Last Unicorn but I see it)

7. A medium of art you don't work in but appreciate

8. What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in

9. What are your file name conventions

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what

12. Easiest part of body to draw

13. A creator who you admire but whose work isn't your thing

14. Any favorite motifs

15. *Where* do you draw (don't drop your ip address this just means do you doodle at a park or smth)

16. Something you are good at but don't really have fun doing

17. Do you eat/drink when drawing? if so, what

18. An estimate of how much art supplies you've broken

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw (food, nature, etc.)

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways

22. What physical exercises do you do before drawing, if any

23. Do you use different layer modes

24. Do your references include stock images

25. Something your art has been compared to that you were NOT inspired by

26. What's a piece that got a wildly different interpretation from what you intended

27. Do you warm up before getting to the good stuff? If so, what is it you draw to warm up with

28. Any art events you have participated in the past (like zines)

29. Media you love, but doesn't inspire you artistically

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

[digitalanddead-inruins-blog]

Rachel [off-site]:

B4 our WALK (Wed. Aug 29th)

This is the weird thing... I can’t stop thinking about Fascism… Esp lately, b/c my knee is busted and all I do is stay in reading AntiFa clickbait… B/c my Grandaddy was in WWII and he had stories… B/c it scares me… B/c of Mussolini and his fetishization of Ancient Rome (and larger habits of folks who author connections with a simplified notion of the past to bolster their position/ideology/nationalist identity etc.)… But I’m just some privileged white girl from Canada who never had to experience Fascism first-hand (just geographically distanced observations on the net, or historicized musings)… at least not yet… what am I even doing talking or thinking about ancient history at a time like this?

 So, back in 2008-2010, during the financial/housing crash, I made a bunch of work in Los Angeles (that was re-framed in 2015) about the weird link btwn the 2nd wave of American Neo-Classism and their banking system (it’s tangled and almost shockingly synchronic)… apparently bits and pieces of this get discussed in the more academic end of Copyright Law (a friend’s mom who’s a world renowned expert/prof/editor [she knows her shit] of a major journal on the subject told me so… so, yeah)…

So that whole thing got me to thinking about buried shit… how we take-on and dig-up this buried shit... how we shape and clean it and in doing so distinctly author it. The permeating compressed dust, dirt and nitre gets scraped off and discarded, and the remaining matter is shaped into an augmented sign; transforming the Aggregate Clump into a Sharply Formed Declaration …

It got me thinking about how this buried shit gets used (sometimes forcefully) by governments, assholes, even well-intentioned assholes...artists... it doesn’t matter… it gets cleaned up and scrubbed up and (re)shaped and hoisted back up again… and again… and again… All that repeated and meme-y and calcified Benjaminian Fossil shit (thank-u Susan Buck-Morss <3). We forget that marble and stone and terracotta was gaudy and painted and dirty and fleshy and stinky and messy... that the gods lived in the stone and they were lusty and corporeal… they fucking LIVED in them… that people shat around here… gods shat around here… literally shat… ate and shat… look around this necropolis… someone has shit and pissed here, I guarantee it. Ritual and Reverence, wtvr. There’s someone’s garbage over there (old and new and ancient and plastic)… Someone has taken a dump here! Dig it. The chaos is resistance...

I dunno, I want to talk about the fetishization and re-authoring the past and Fascism and nostalgia but I don’t know if I’m allowed to… if it makes me a real fucking asshole for even attempting it (making that association). A dumb Canadian ex-pat/migrant walks into a Roman/Italian ruin and immediately goes to ______ism… This is usually the kind of harsh narrative voice I have spoken through a surrogate when I do my performances because I’m such a fucking pussy and sometimes scared of my own words (ok, ok, there are obvs considered/conceptual reasons but this is personal/casual email format, so here’s some performative vulnerability)… But every time I want to talk about impressions and thoughts and imaginations and Imagineering and all that about a solid place, a (HARD) Place (especially one that screams HISTORY in bloc capitols), that I don’t know abso-fucking-everything about (as if panomathic knowledge can be achieved – w/o going into debates on who’s knowing is legit/cannon [speaking of fascism/colonialism/empirical thinking]) I get scared as fuck… because lets face it… Monuments = (HARD) Power and Framing =  (HARD) Power. The solid-as-a-rock, simplified, uni-lateral presentation of these (HARD) objects/architecture is about Power... Declarative, Shaped, Authored POWER (and that is kinda scary)…

But I’m post-net-y/net-y-native enuff-to-kno that the infinite refractions of opinion and speculation that bounce like imperfect fleshy radar off of these objects and spaces can potentially offer up a whole multi-verse of meanings, readings… pasts, futures, presents… the (HARD) stuff is still permeable and plastic under the right conditions… Embracing entropy and all that (I’m sorry, I spent too much time in California/@CalArts and art-bro’s in Cali spend waaaaaay to much time talk’n bout the entropic, ugh)… So, yeah, order and chaos, excavation and neglect... I’m violently ambivalent as usual.

 *          *          *

The WALK (Wed. Aug 30th)

How do I feel, what are my impressions?

Wikipedia tells me that the Greeks used this as a minor outpost, didn’t really care much about it. It was too far out from anything else, isolated.

I keep thinking of Ballard’s The Crystal World...

*          *          *

 You (Sarah) Skyped me and the connection sucked but the images were nice. It was like back in the day when I would steal my brother’s World of Warcraft login and go fuck-about with his Orc (he didn’t like that). Whenever the connection was dropped-and-returned you loaded in slow, long lags… long fucking lags… then sped-up fast catch-ups when your voice would go all robotic. The necropolis looked like Minecraft (which was fitting, considering we used a Minecraft “grave” in our last work tgthr)…

It’s difficult for me to get a sense of the “flesh” (in the embodied theological/corporeal sense) of the place. Like I mentioned earlier… gods, people, animals shit and pissed [with]in these places and forms, and I’m trying to figure out how that embodiment shifts/relates/translates/transubstantiates to a pixel.

 At the end of our “walk”, Anthony Gormley’s dude taking up the best view in the whole park pops up, and our connection starts going haywire and I got weird feedback and its all so “slender-man” creepy, haunted shit… screeches and hiss and this black “shadow” figure…The whole landscape blurred and chunky. I wanted so badly to post this to one of those digital folklore pages on reddit but the feedback sound didn’t record and it kinda killed the spookiness.

 Still, sound or no sound… glitch-blur or no glitch-blur… bad connection…  wtvr got lost… collections of impressions... for my purpose it made good video.

-Rachel

[modernpolymath]

Eurovision Semis #1

a.k.a. Aria’s running commentary.

Intro:

Mel, I don’t know how you’ve kept getting these assignments, but please don’t stop. I know GBBO isn’t around anymore, but please don’t leave just because you are now our default entertainment presenter. 

Ukranian rap/hip-hop artist? Eyesore? I’m confused. 

Okay so top of head braid ponytails are a thing now? Is this a trend I’ve missed out on.

Who are these three guys? I don’t think I could pronounce their names if I tried. Having three presenters is weird enough, not having a male-female double act is just wrong. I still think they missed a trick with not bring Verka back. EPIC FAIL UKRAINE.

#eurogenius The term is accepted.

I wonder if they actually speak French, or if he just learned these phrases. 

“And the odd horsehead.”

Their smiles are REALLY WIDE. 

And we’re off!!!

Sweden:

First act to ever start backstage? I mean sure, why not. 

I can’t get over these super 90s suits. The haircuts and the mock turtlenecks. Also his suit is purple? Props for diversity though. 

And I just gotta say: didn’t we move past the treadmill performances when OK GO did it like 8 years ago?

WHAT IS WITH THE OKAY SIGN????

I think Sweden is trying to go retro and reclaim their former glory.

Georgia:

I LOVE THIS ALREADY. Her hair. Her cape. Her dress. Red and fog and minor keys. YES. 

That eye make is on point. Wink on point. 

CAPE IS OFF. THE CAPE IS OFF. 

I think she can actually sing...? Or not. She does well until the refrain, so I don’t know. 

FIRE FIREFIREFIREFIRE We have our first fire!

I really want to like this song. And I think I do.

OH SHIT, it looks like she stole the UK’s ball graphic. 

EPIC END. 

“Several key changes and a cloak.” Mel knows whats up.

Australia:

“Which I don’t feel bitter about in any way.” Say it Scott. We all hate them.

OH MY GOD he’s in the graphics in the background. OZ!! I think you figured out how Eurovision works. Sorta. Hot guy who can sorta sing, over-do it on the effects

I am distracted by his lack of socks.

This song needs something more.

MORE FIRE

When I meant more, I didn’t mean riff Issiah, you’re not a strong enough singer for that. So In that, good job Aussies, you put forward an appropriate contender this year. You have learned your place.

“Another sockless man on stage.” MEL KNOWS WHAT’S UP.

Albania:

What’s with all the ballads this year? 

Her eyes are so big.

Albania’s feeling like the white, purer version of Georgia. 

Wind machine. We have wind. 

I’m not sure she can walk in this dress.

Whoa? Did we move from sort of clock to a futuristic floating world? Don’t get it, but sure. 

At least this song picked up more than Oz did. But it still needed to drop the beat or something. It just stayed so constant. Meh.

Belgium:

It’s so Mumford and Sons. But wow, the audience is so into it. 

I am not entirely sure she’s singing more than 2 notes. 

This song is good but your staging sucks. 

UGH all of these ballads need to pick it up mid-song. They’re so monotonous. This one in particular. 

She should have sung in her head voice the WHOLE TIME. 

She seems like a super sweet girl who is maybe a bit overwhelmed. 

Montenegro:

YES YES YES SLAVKO

WAIT IT’S DETATCHABLE?!??!?! I am slightly less impressed now.

Nevermind. OMFG I love this entire thing so much already. 

This whole thing is so Eurovision. 

PANTS PANTS PANTS

Rock it to the stars. Yes let’s do that. These pants need to shining down on us at all times. 

This overhead shot of him laying down on his face is amazing. 

It’s cheating if you twirl your braid with your hand! THERE WE GO. 

I get the feeling this is probably a better to watch on TV than in the audience. 

“Absolute quality.” MEL KNOWS WHAT IS UP.

Finland:

This postcard posing is so Finland.

Fog so much fog this year. 

First singer who is actually singing and singing to the way their song is written. 

I still don’t get this song though... I mean I kinda get it, but the lyrics with the composition doesn’t make sense to me. Also is this a Eurovision song? Maybe? 

IS THAT A BURNING PIANO?!??!?! No, just a bit of fog, but I’ll count it. 

We’re red and angry now. 

I do honestly like this song, and she may be one of the best signers in the competition.

Azerbaijan:

OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS POSING AND LOOK SO AMAZING YES YES YES

Azerbaijan, super props for making up for your rather sucky act last year.

This act is amazing. It is so out there, but it’s also so amazingly perfectly Eurovision? In a way that Germany’s last year was not but tried to be this. 

They are committed. Is she seducing a man with a horse head? Are these people actually members of the band, or just prop men? I don’t know but it’s working. 

Consistency and thematic integration A++ for Azerbaijan.

“Only at Eurovision.” “We have told Finland their piano is on fire.” CALLED IT.

Portugal:

“That means if you think she’s rubbish tonight you cant even tell him.”

Oh, we have a mini-stage!

What.... what is this? 

Don’t get me wrong, I love jazz and lyrical contemporary music. I go to jazz clubs for fun. But I.... what is this? What happened to Eurovision this year? 

Okay, but he’s adorable. And I 100% love the audience for getting into it with him. 

Is this ballad year though?

“Pure art alert.” True story. I feel like this is Australia 2016 all over again: Portugal came back to win and forgot that this is not an event you send your best artist to. 

Whatever, I’ll take it. 

Greece:

Ooofffff, harsh entrance girl. 

This is traditional Eurovision right here. 

I don’t even have anything to say about this act other than it’s a back to basics. Half-naked men, electric upbeats, high notes, dancibility, light shows, some odd staging gimmick. 

Yup.

Poland:

VIOLIN

Here’s our quintessential be yourself, be stronger, ballad. 

WIND MACHINE

This is very Rise like a Phoenix.

Could she be bound any tighter to get some cleavage out of her though?

Have I won ESC Bingo yet?

UBER WIND 

Moldova:

EPIC SAX GUY

Violin and sax and tuxedos.

This song will so get stuck in my head for the next 3 days....

EPIC SAX GUY

This leg move can’t be good for your hips though. 

Because I can’t get it the beat out of my head, it’s probably going onto the finals. 

Iceland:

Damn girl. You’re postcard is A+++++++++++. Be my friend. “In her spare time, she likes to bathe in unicorn tears.” YESSSSSSSSS

This is like Jessie J meets Madonna meets Gwen Stefani. And I’m kinda of digging it?

Capes are in this year. 

Her shoes are AMAZING

Iceland is my lady crush of ESC 2017. It’s official. 

I so wish this staging was more epic though. 

WAIT WAIT WAIT HERE IT COMES

Laser show, lighting breakdown. Where’s the wind????

Awesome. Yes, more please. 

Czech Republic:

Wait, isn’t their country now Czechia or something??

I appreciate this outfit?

CZE is probably winning best use of lighted floor award tonight. 

I think this song would have been much better received earlier in the night. 

She can sing though. Which is always nice. 

Cyprus:

“Lots of sockless behaviour this evening.” MEL KNOWS WHAT IS UP.

This song has promise, despite your ankles showing. But maybe that’s a positive to show off your footwork?

LOOK IT’S RUSSIA’S BLOCKS FROM LAST YEAR!

Camera work is good on this one. 

Okay the silhouette thing is cool. 

Sorry CZE, Cyrpus just stole your staging award. This whole performance is really well thought out and maybe a bit too good for ESC? I’ll allow it. 

Armenia:

Okay, I was going to count Armenia out 20 seconds in, but then the beat picked up and the camera jumped. Good. 

This has got to be so much better on TV than in person. 

I kinda dig this song. My pole dancing self would totally rock to this.

FIRE

Dancing is good. 

Slovenia:

He’s cheeky. 

I do like this song, I’ve heard it before. It just get weirds at point. Like maybe there should be the opera guy in here somewhere?

You know, it’s basically like a Josh Groban song.

Latvia:

Group act, bring it!

WHAT IS THIS 

Neon. Crazy eyes. Insane hair. I don’t get this outfit. I don’t get this song. I don’t get this staging. Am I missing something?

Oh, well here it is. Maybe this is it. 

Nope still don’t get it.

My TV stream is confused by what to do and how to render all these lights and colours. Pixelation central.

I just don’t get it. Is this Georgia all over again for me?

Voting:

These guys are too stiff. Please just stop trying to be funny. 

OH MY GOD - bringing it back to the OMFG new scoring rules and how fucking stressful that was. I am so ready for it again this year. 

I am still not over the political FU that has happened over this song and over Eurovision. I mean, on the one hand it’s just a song competition, but on the other, shit man, this is why Eurovision has a ban on political songs. That said the Drama has been delectable.

VERKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  YES. Okay, but still. Ukraine fail that this wasn’t your host. I will never forgive you. Yes yes, Jamal’s great, but we really want Verka and laughs. Ukraine you’re not keeping it fun enough. 

“Wazitgutenuf.” I swear, I am normally good with accents, but wow, Aleks is taking this to a whole new level of speed and incomprehensibility. 

Moldova - duh, of course. 

Azerbaijan - I am so glad, I am so down with this whole thing. 

Greece - eh, sure, it’s traditional, but I thought others were better. 

Sweden - I dunno, this feels like a thank you more than deserved.

Portugal - I am secretly really happy?? He’s adorable.

Poland - nope, sorry, no. You were fine. Iceland was WAY better.

Armenia - okay, sure, but I don’t think you’ll hold up. 

Australia - fiiiinnnnnneeeeee.

Cyprus - totes, 100% well deserved. 

Belgium - ugggghhhhhhhhhhhh, I want to like this song, but it was as shitty performance. 

Montenegro was robbed in that you know this is what Eurovision is about and really he should have gone through on that alone. Ultimately, it wasn’t a strong performance though....

I’m pissed about Iceland. She should have been there. 

At least some of the crazy and stupid slow songs didn’t make it. 

BRING ON ROUND 2!!!