#sorry i still dont know how to socialize even a decade later | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hushthelatesunart · 1 year ago

Note

Hii just passing by to say that your art is very cute :3!! I especially liked those mini comics for Aro week, and the character shown 💚 I was wondering if you had a specific story behind for your OCs, or reference sheets? :D

sorry if this reply is a little late i dont check here very often asdfkg Thank you !!! i'm glad you like my art !! there is a storyline that my OCs share actually. currently, I divide them up into two different groups (this is gonna be long)

there's the detective trio, as seen here, and they live in early 1900's England. Starting from the bottom, there's Jack (the character you always see in the aro week comics), a private detective who inherited the agency from his now passed adoptive father. Jack wouldn't know what "aro" or "ace" means, but rest assured he is still very much both. Given enough time, he'd get to see the coining of these terms because he's actually a magical Fae being with a lifespan much much longer than that of a human. You might've noticed a few of the Aro Week comics dont seem to depict an era with Edwardian aesthetics, and that's because Jack gets to live through many decades without really changing much at all because of his magical nature. Jack is very sweet, being the perfect image of a gentleman... though he's very airheaded at times asdfgk He's the kind of Aro who loves deeply and just wants to be with his dear friends. Then there's Hinata. They're also a private detective, and they were childhood best friends with Jack. Hinata and their family had to move away when they were still young, so for a long while their only form of communication between them was sending letters. It's through Jack sending a letter asking Hinata for help in solving a particular case that the two finally get to meet again. Hinata's nonbinary, and while they also wouldn't know of that term in their initial time period, they also have an extended lifespan due to being of a magical nature like Jack (a fox shapeshifter, in Hinata's case). Hinata goes by he/him or she/her initially, but later on also use they/them when they learn it's an option. Hinata has a sense of humor that's hard to see through, almost convincing you of the most absurd things because they just love to mess with people like that. Their dry humor might obscure it, but they're genuinely someone who cares a lot about others. And finally, there's Bridgette. She's not a detective like the other two, but she's a newspaper journalist. In a time where women weren't allowed as much freedom in their life, Bridgette has to deal with a lot of unfair social expectations and restrictions, thus leading her to work extremely hard in her field of work to try to break free of them. She doesn't have the childhood connections to the other two in the trio, having met Jack initially, then later Hinata, both through work interactions, but she becomes a dear friend to the two of them. Also unlike the other two, she's actually a human, though it's possible that she may learn how to use magic later on. Bridgette is also possibly Aro, preferring her career over romantic endeavors, another area that she fights against society on. She is a very hard worker in not only her job, but in many aspects of her life.

There's other characters that you may of seen that also live in this time period, but I haven't thought them out much yet besides their initial concept and general vibes such as Fairy Prince (fairy is a different thing from a fae in this universe btw), Doll Girl, and Halloween Lady. I definitely want to develop them more Then there's the late century trio. U-04 (definitely need to consider a cooler name), Mike (left), and Tomoko (right). U-04 is a super hero robot, fourth in his line and designed to be the perfect image of a hero. On the surface, he's exactly as you'd expect, heroic, unfailing. But dig deeper under the mask and he's not what he presents himself to be. In fact, "robot" might not even be an accurate term in his case... U-04 also has a tendency to bad talk others inside his own mind, and the reason why he keeps up his act of being a hero is because he's dealing with his own insecurities, trying to run away from his previous life and his fear of being disliked. When he meets Mike for the first time, U-04 initially finds him extremely annoying but the truth is that Mike reminds him a lot more of himself than one would think... Mike is very energetic, and is practically a clown in the antics he gets up to. He doesn't have much direction in his life, but he's a good-hearted guy. The fact of the matter is, though he's a goofball, he plays it up to extremes in order to avoid being hurt. The years of being laughed at have taught him to laugh at himself first before anyone else can do it. He's a sad clown deep down, and this facade is what reminds U-04 of his own insecurities that he masks... It's also why U-04 starts to become protective and kinder towards Mike, seeing him like a younger brother. Tomoko is guitarist in a rock band, having pursued it after dropping out of college. She presents herself as a cool rock star type, but it's not hard to break through that image with the mild teasing she gets from her bandmates. Tomoko is actually a bit of an endearing geek deep down, enjoying things like cryptids and super hero stuff and genuinely getting deeply invested in both.... Thing is, she sees right through U-04's act. Tomoko knows that U-04's reasons for doing hero stuff isn't as righteous as he presents it to be and she hates him. Tomoko gets along with Mike fine though. Mike is the only person who can truly get her to the point of being extremely annoyed in the sort of way only an annoying little brother can asdfgk

I dont have many reference sheets done unfortunately, mostly because I just havent seen the need for them as i've either memorized the designs of my OCs in my head or am constantly experimenting with small aspects of their designs to the point where constantly updating the sheets would become tedious. There's a couple old ones for Jack, one in his usual attire and one for his alternative attire, but they're extremely outdated not only in art style but also some smaller details (he has a night sky pattern on his tie and on his cape for example).

maybe one day I'll actually do more modern reference sheets if i feel the need/desire to

I really appreciate your interest in my OCs ! sorry this was so long, I just really enjoy getting the opportunity to ramble about my OCs so thank you for that

#oc #original character #original characters

0 notes

clownmantis · 3 years ago

Text

actual sincere personal post abt an old friend, read at ur own risk

even five years later, i still think abt u often. i dont even know what name u go by now, or if u even use social media. i've tried looking 4 you a couple times with little success, but part of me is ok with that? i'm not even sure if i'd have the courage to reach out to you if i Did find you. even tho its been half a decade since that whole mess

things you introduced me to still remind me of you. sam & max, metal gear, shovel knight, etc. sharing those things with you was some of the most fun i had, back in like, 2015. and clearly i never stopped with the silly kin sh*t

jolly/pon/discord/lex,

i'm so, so sorry. for how awful i was to you and rory/ruben/ashton, and for making you feel like u had to choose sides in some dumb fight i don't remember why i started anymore. the two of you didn't deserve having to deal with me being so weirdly hostile all the time

and i know the snapshot of u in my mind that i've got probably doesn't even reflect the actual you that much anymore. idk. maybe it does, but again, it has been Half A Decade and i'm reluctant to try digging very deep every time i have tried to look for you. i'd hate to find u if u didn't want to be found yk

but i still miss you. i still wish i could tell you all this. i wish i could get to know the you you are now, and see how much you've grown. i wish i could show you how much i have

this is getting way longer than i thought it would but fuck it!! do u know i still have all the art u and rory/ruben/ashton drew of us. even after our dumb spat, i never got rid of it. look

god i just hope you're alright. i hope you're alive, and safe, and Happy, whatever it is ur doing or whoever you're friends with now. and despite everything, i WILL selfishly let myself hope that u see this, someday, somehow

i'm sorry for everything. u were a gift i was lucky to have in my life, for those couple of years

and idk how to end this, so

#long post

7 notes · View notes

lightborrowcd · 4 years ago

Note

I KNOW NOTHING ABT BRUCIE’S CANON SO TELL ME WHAT U KEEP FOR UR INTERPRETATION AND WHAT U DONT

okay so. canon meaning the Gotham series because i don’t even know what counts as actual canon. even though im ( clearly ) quite canon averse for hp stuff i actually really enjoy what they did with Bruce in gotham / the show as a whole. here is a list of some major things that i’m keeping / not keeping, including stuff from the nolan trilogy since that’s influenced bruce’s adult life. i’ll try and explain them somewhat well for people who don’t know wtf i’ve been taking about this whole time

keeping:

okay first brucie is a hoe but we all knew that lmao.

keeping the part where he starts self-harming behaviors to “ over come pain ” and they run a fair bit deeper than what’s shown in canon but..... idk if i’ll ever publicly write about that in too much detail, it’s disturbing

i’m keeping bruce and selina of course, no matter what their adult relationship looks like she HEAVILY influenced not just his preferences for partners but who he is as a person and that’s very important. i’m also keeping the fact that he doesn’t say goodbye or give her any kind of warning when he leaves gotham for and entire decade.

i’m also keeping him being socially awkward, shy, and an easy target for bullying when he’s younger, it’s part of what makes his whole “i have friends now” arc so much more toxic lmao.

also the phase where he starts acting out with substances / girls ( and boys in this case ) is pretty important and kind of never ends !!

i’m keeping + expanding on the whole court of owls thing..... more on this later bc i need to refresh my knowledge of canon but he’s there for long enough to come out with a significant amount of mental / physical training that he didn’t have before, i’m also keeping the deep brainwashing and the part where they send a clone to take his place in regular life also holds up lmao just not in his hogwarts verse. just. if r’as al ghul is his voldemort then he basically joined the death eaters for a second there, mostly unknowingly but still, i hope that explains it well enough

the thing where the jermiah valeska / the joker is fixated with being bruce’s brother / friend and subsequently getting his attention by whatever means necessary... i kinda love that i’m not gonna lie it’s completely cursed

as much as i hate it i’m also keeping both of the times he fires alfred because he can’t process his own feelings or recognize that alfred loves him unconditionally and has literally been his surrogate father this entire time....... it’s cursed but..... necessary

i LOVE the fact that he never really interacts with the penguin in person that much and it’s mostly by oswald’s reputation that bruce knows him. idk shit about what’s in the comics but for my version of bruce, the riddler and the penguin especially are prominent enemies.

so in the third movie of the nolan trilogy it’s established that he + his parents spent some time visiting the orphanage in gotham and i’m definitely keeping that and expanding that to say that he and his mother specifically spent a significant amount time there and that he had some meaningful childhood friendships with children there. what that changes is that bruce would certainly recognize john blake on sight, and might even greet him like an old friend in private. ( i would give anything for a john blake to write with and not just bc i’m a jgl stan but anyWaYS )

i’m also keeping the part where there’s significant wear and tear on his joints that leaves him in pain a lot of the time. maybe not necessarily to the same extent as in the dark knight rises, but still to the point where he’s suffering by his mid-thirties.

bruce can and will adopt children. this is kinda sticky because obviously you can’t be batman and have children that don’t know, so they’ll be trained accordingly and he has to be careful with which children he takes in. but he’s definitely much more fatherly to dick grayson / any other children he might take in than in some interpretations.

not keeping:

trigger warning: holocaust mention. so there’s one specific scene and i don’t remember how bruce is in it but basically. the riddler ( as part of someone else’s Evil Plan ) has bruce and lucius fox trapped in a literal gas chamber and i don’t know that’s just TOO DARK considering that my version of bruce is jewish ( and even just the kid who plays him in gotham being jewish + lucius being black ) and edward nygma is a lot of things but i don’t think he’s THAT evil. i’d need to plot out the specific details of what he does instead with specific eds but..... what the fuck u feel

i’m flexible with poison ivy’s very confusing arc...... i kinda like the version of her where she’s very powerful dumb as shit ( like delphi uwu ) the best it’s iconic

i’m not keeping rachel dawes as a part of his canon ( although i’m willing to plot for that ) i just can’t find a way to make any of that make sense lmao. gotta find another way for the joker to permanently destroy him.

so in gotham canon bruce and his parents go to see a movie and then leave when it’s finished and that’s when they’re murdered, and i’m keeping that version because the nolan version where they leave the theatre because bruce is scared is literally too sad to even think about

i uh. don’t like gotham’s version of jim gordon lmao i’m sorry i just think it kinda missed The Point of his character. ( not that i know anything but. ) i don’t think the Military Man(TM) that he is ( and in a distinctly different way than alfred is ) is someone that bruce would look up to and i also don’t think that bruce would view his militarization of gcpd as a good thing. i’m open to interacting with an jim gordons, but for my interpretation jim will be more like g.ary oldm.an’s version of him, gentle, unassuming, and fatherly by nature.

#sinisteraugurey #( thank u for sending this kdbgdkgb i love u )#002. ––––––– NOTES › even good men have their secrets.#001. ––––––– OOC.#self harm tw #holocaust mention tw #law enforcement mention tw #antisemitism tw #racism tw

11 notes · View notes

a-wanderin-whirlybird · 5 years ago

Text

First Sight: A Sole Ender Fic

Summary: Ryan tried hard to ensure he was never seen without a mask. And if that failed he always kept an extra eye patch on him. The recent stint with the FAHC had turned onto a permanent partnership and Ryan knew he would have to either tell the crew about his "condition" or they would find it themselves. Sadly it seemed that the latter would be the case as a stray bullet decided.

It was a simple job really. Go in, kill a man, steal some data for Gavin, then leave. They had planned and over planned to hell and back. It was an easy job.

But when was anything ever easy or going to plan with the FAHC? They lived and thrived on chaos and uncertainty. It was part of the reason Ryan even accepted the offer to join permanently.

As the Vagabond working alone, he made his own fun. But it always felt hollow, being alone felt hollow. Though it was all Ryan had known for a long long time. The experiments never left room for socializing not when it was only Ryan in a room with a bunch of Pricks.

Still it was nicer to hear others groan at bad puns or laugh at cheesy one liners while storming a bank or glaring down an enemy. It was, nice. Odd, and a learning process for sure but damn if it wasnt nice to have something like a family. Which was why he was extra careful.

Ryan knew that the experiments he survived left their mark. Black and purple veins or skin patches were easy enough to hide with make up. Avoiding water was disguised as a quirk, though for bathing Ryan made absolutely certain to run the shower while he wiped himself down with wet wipes. Not ideal but it got him clean enough. As for teleporting and staring well... he made sure if he did teleport no one saw, and the crew thought he was leaving his sparkles around to annoy Gavin. He was able to pass off his hatred and anger towards staring and eye contact as personal and the crew respected that.

But he could not hide the eye. His left eye had morphed into something else decades ago, right at the beginning of the experiments. His right eye was blue and looked perfectly normal. His left... it had no whites, just black ink and a large nearly matching purple pupil. It moved on it's own sometimes, something Ryan never fully figured out how to stop. And it watched everything. It showed the weakest points in objects, where Ryan could just pluck a cube from whatever it was. It showed veins and important artery locations in a potential victim. It was a culmination of everything the fucks back at the Program had wanted.

But Ryan hated it. Seeing the samn thing not only hurt, but infuriated him. Even decades later it made him feel weak and helpless. And worst of all, it was like a brand. Impossible to hide without heavy cloth or armor, its eerie black glow seeping through everything else. Ryan was only just starting to settle with the FAHC he was actually starting to enjoy himself. Like hell he was going to let something as stupid as an eye fuck that up!

But he knew, eventually he would have to tell the crew. It was either that or they would find out... It had been a simple fucking job and of course that would be where it all unraveled.

"Turn left! Left you Dolts!" Gavin's voice cracked over comms as Jeremy and Ryan sprinted through the corridors of the former safe house. A trail of bloody foot prints spread out behind them as they sprinted down and through the halls. The lights flashed red and an alarm blared loudly.

They hung a left, Jeremy skidding a little as he went.

"How the Fuck did we miss that camera? I thought the system was down!" Jeremy growled as the two rounded another corner. Ryan had pulled out a shotgun and held it close and ready as they raced for the exit.

"Bastards probably had a separate system. But that would mean they expected company." Ryan offered lowly so that the comms heard him but not those around him.

"Shit! Take cover!" Gavin shouted over comms as the battle Buddies finally reached the exit.

Jeremy dove down and Ryan jumped back into an open door as several shots fired past them. Jeremy crawled into the closet with Ryan, cocking a pistol.

"Fuck, how many Gav?" Jeremy asked.

Ryan popped his head out to return fire and popped back in as the sounds of bullet tearing flesh ripped through the blaring alarms as blood oozed out over the floor.

"I caught sight of 3 total. One is down so 2 left." Ryan supplied as Jeremy nodded and ducked out to shoot.

Ryan silently cursed, he could teleport, but he never teleported with someone, itd likely kill Jeremy if he did. But perhaps he could get behind the enemies...

There was a loud crash from the opposite end of the hall and a curse from Gavin.

"Hurry up! They have back up coming!" Well fuck. Ryan pulled a bewildered Jeremy into the Closet and shit off his comm.

"Stay here and please dont ask any questions." Ryan practically begged. Jeremy nodded quickly and gasped when, with a Vwoop! Ryan vanished leaving a small shower of sparkles.

Ryan appeared behind the first man, knife out and swinging. The blade dug into the back of his neck as a groan caught the other man's attention. As Ryan pulled the knife out he teleported again, letting the first fall limp and struck out at the other's neck as he pulled out of his teleport. A quickl slash and the throat was cut and the man fell.

Ryan only had time to barely catch his. Breath as sharp pain ripped through his left eye and the world went white for a moment. When the world partially swam into focus Jeremy had Ryan slung over his shoulder and was making a beeline out the exit. Tyan couldnt quite hear what he was saying and didnt get the chance to figure it out as he drifted into painful unconsciousness.

Jeremy had to say that he figured the Vagabond was weird. Tucker wore a mask for everything and the few times the media even got a glimpse of them without it they had a fucking eye patch and face paint! But then he joined the crew and it became apparent that the Vagabond was like the rest of the crew, weird, pissed, and chaotic as fuck. So sure, Jeremy expect quirks from Ryan.

Then the Motherfucker went and teleported in front of him! Jeremy still wasnt sure if that was what actually happened or if it was the adrenaline playing tricks on his eyes. Then a bullet struck Ryan in the eye and Jeremy didnt have time to think.

He ran out and grabbed his teleporting Battle Buddy and sprinted for the getaway vehicle. Jack was waiting outside and sped off the moment both boys were in the car.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck! Gav fo we have anything back at base for Bullets in eyes?" Jeremy asked desperately over comms. Gavin scrambled on the other side muttering this and that.

"Well get the fucking bullet out first before we get there we might actually be able to do something then!" Jack called from the front as they sped out onto the highway.

"Fuck! You're serving all over the place you think I'm going to be able to dig a bullet out like this?" Jeremy snapped.

"Just fucking try!" Jack shouted, as they swerved around an eighteen wheeler.

Jeremy cursed and began to remove Ryan's mask and then his eye patch

"Sorry buddy." Jeremy whispered as he lifted the patch and frozen. "Oh what the shit?!"

"What? If he is missing an eye dont gawk!" Jack scolded.

"He's not missing an eye but its janky as dicks! Its black and purple and shit." Jeremy shouted as he tried to figure out how the hell he was going to dig a bullet out of his friend's ... uh... eye.

"Thay sounds unhealthy." Jack deadpanned as the car pulled into the headquater's garage. Once stopped jack came around to the back. "Alright move the fuck over you useless-Holy fuck you weren't kidding!"

"Yeah! No shit!"

"Whatever move! I'm getting that bullet out." Jack said, Shoving Jeremy out the otherside of the car. Jeremy yelped as he hit the concrete and popped back up, his eyes catching a patch of black skin peeking through smudged make up.

"Got it!" Jeremy tore his eyes back to Jack who was holding up a bullet covered in a thick black liquid with swirls of red dripping within.

"Great, now help me get this fuck inside." Geoff said jogging up to Jack from behind Jeremy. Jeremy was still frozen as the two Gents carried Ryan up to his room. Gavin and Michael approaches Jeremy.

"The fuck has you spooked?" Michael asked. "He's a tough fucker. Ryan'll be fine."

"Dude did you see his fucking blood? Its black! His eye is purple and moving on it's own! He fucking teleported!" Jeremy exclaimed. "Either that all just happened or I'm fucking high as balls. Neither outcome is good."

Gavin shrugged. "Well, do drugs we all see that."

Gavin pointed to the car where a small pool of black and red flecked blood glistened in the lights. The three lads stared at the pool in silence until michael spoke.

"Well son of a bitch."

Ryan came to in a bed. His own at the penthouse. He blinked a few times feeling the sting of a healing wound in his left eye as he did so. Having super human healing paid off more than it didnt.

Ryan sat up hand raising up to his face, expecting a mask or eye patch... only to meet fresh bandages.

Panic hit Ryan like a truck.

"Shit." Ryan cursed loudly as he went to stand only to flop over the side of the bed. "Fucking healing fatigue. Fucking legs, fuck!"

"Well good to see you're awake." Geoff's smooth drawl was cracked with stress and exhaustion.

The man was slouched against the door frame a cup of tea in hand. His hair was a mess and his eyes had bags that looked like they were dripping down his face

Ryan turned his face from Geoff's feet down to the floor on which his gave rested. A grumble was released into the floorboards then Ryan slowly picked himself back up onto the bed, his left eye still covered. Geoff shot him a knowing look as he stepped in and closed the door.

"Gavin and the lads are with Jack in the Kitchen looking for an update on you. Figured I'd be the first to talk to you." Ryan huffed as Geoff spoke with more authority than Ryan liked. It sounded too familiar.

Like a Scientist trying to get answers.

"Alright no need to growl asshole Jesus fuck." Geoff held up his hands in mock surrender and Ryan felt his shoulders relaxing a little.

"I'm not going to hurt you." Ryan hissed. "But I'm not some specimen to interogate."

"Well that answers that." Geoff said and Ryan tensed again. "Fuck right look I'm pretty sure a glowing black and purple eye ball ain't natural and yes we saw it you had a bullet in your eye and we didnt know it would heal on it's own. Dont care about that if you want it to stay covered it can stay covered. I'm more curious about Jeremy saying you fucking teleport."

"I can only teleport myself. Itd kill anyone else." Ryan said sheepishly as a sigh of relief escaped his lungs. "I can also take cubes of shit out of anything."

"People to?" Geoff asked, Ryan nodded. "Holy fuck what the hell kind of experiment were you a part of?"

Ryan shook his head and Geoff nodded.

"Right later if ever. Moving on, you alright?"

"Just tired. Healing takes a lot of energy." Ryan explained and Geoff nodded.

"Need water or anything?" Geoff offered and Ryan shook his head again.

"Burns. I'll just go out myself..."

"You sure? I'm sure the guys all have a million fucking questions." Geoff said as Ryan slowly rose up.

"Better now than later." Gwoff laughed.

"Fucking true. Though I have one more question." Ryan sighed.

"Shoot."

"Those sparkles Gavin's been collecting, do you make those?" Ryan laughed.

"When I teleport, Yeah. Dont know how or from where. But I do know Gavin has been using them on his nail polish and and eye shadow." Geoff busted out laughing as the two walked out into the penthouse living room. The lads shot up with Jeremy racing up to Ryan with Gavin close behind. A million questions poured out. But it was good.

#fahc #Sole Ender AU #fic #Ender!Vagabond #Its rough but Im on Mobile #the moment I get home im adding the read more and spell checking

26 notes · View notes

sweetestt-devottionn · 6 years ago

Text

Hug Me

AN: This was inspired by a fic that i read before hope u enjoy it! sorry for any grammar mistakes english isn’t my first language, i’m open to criticism tho:)

==========

It seems like yesterday I was happy with nothing. Today, I make a wish to the moon. I told her if I can see you once again, I'll do one last dance with you to this song.

To remember you forever,

Just one last dance...

==========

Have you ever heard the word 'breathless'?

It has different meaning of its own if you put it in different use. One could describe the meaning of extreme surprise where you just froze in your spot, mouth hung agape as you look at the most precious thing in you possession in awe.

It truly was a wonderful description to appreciate such blessings.

Yet, in another meaning, one that you make sense of literally, has such a different effect, with a stark contrast between light and darkness, akin of a nightmare in the middle of a day dream.

==========

Breathless

[breth-lis]

1. without breath or breathing with difficulty; gasping; panting:

2. dead; lifeless.

==========

Everything happened so fast. One moment she was just standing there in her comfy clothes, casually washing the dishes then the next moment. She saw her lying on the floor as the plate she was holding dropped and shattered against the hard wood floor. It might be just at the spur of the moment, where she exists and everything fell apart. She was rooted to the spot, head staying on the same spot her love used to stand just moments ago. Slowly, but surely everything came rushing back, like a river current overcoming any hindrance. Her hands were shaking when she finally got control of her body.

"LISA!" She screamed then, heart gripped with the panic brewing inside her at seeing her lover so frail, surrounded with the broken glass scattered around her body. She was shaken with pity that at such a tragic misery her love was still attention's sweet centre. Painted was the tragically beautiful story of their journey, started with her world brushed with dark muddy colours.

“oh mygod ohmygod,”

Jisoo swore she never ran so fast in her life.

In the blink of an eye, she was holding her lover's head on her lap as her fingers fumbled with her phone, the trembling digits struggling to call 9-1-1.

"I need your help please... She fainted....I-" That was the last thing Lisa heard as the black spots on her vision finally swallowed her whole. When the last sigh left her lips, her body became slack.

And that,

was the night everything changed.

==========

The trip to the hospital was not one on her favourite list of trips but, at seeing her lover sudden decline of health, she wondered just how long it would take for the ambulance to reach the hospital. She sighed over and over again as she held Lisa’s hand close and kissed each of her knuckles.

She choked back a sob as her eyes welled with tears and the state Lisa was in. Oxygen mask covered her face, and somehow in the span of minutes she had only just noticed how pale and gaunt her love actually is, a drastic difference to her usually fair and healthy body. She cursed herself, hating the fact that she had failed to see the symptoms that might have had explained the ongoing situation.

“I’m sorry baby, I should have looked after you better and stayed home more, fuck I’m- I’m fucking sorry I shouldn’t have I-,” Her speech was cut off due to the sob threatening to burst out.

“pl-please just wake u-up please…”

It may seem unusual for those close to her but,

She prayed that night.

To whatever gods there are out there, she just hoped they’d listened.

When the sound of cars honking filled her hearing and the pounding of her heart reverberated throughout her body, she closed her lids tightly. Lips mouthing an inaudible prayer as tears welled in her eyes. She held her lover's hand a little tighter, yet somehow, she still refused to cry.

‘Me and my pride’ she muses.

She refrained herself to believe anything but her lover being okay again.

She had to be okay..

She just had to...

==========

The short trip to the hospital turned out to be a long one. The seconds and the minutes turned into hours as she waited outside the ER. She paced back and forth for she knew that there was something wrong, though she refused to believe it. Realising she might have to tell Chaeyoung, she steeled herself against the obvious thunderstorm and pressed call.

It doesn’t take long for the said best friend/ sister to pick up, and for some reason she felt guilty, like it was somehow her fault when the first hello filtered through the phone.

“Jisoo unnie? Are you there?”

“Umm… Chaeng, I-I’m so fucking sorry, I don’t know what just happened I-“

“Unnie? Please calm down, what happened? Is Lisa okay?”

“She-“

“She’s just been admitted to the hospital, Chaeyoung-ah…”

“WHAT?! JENNIE WE NEED TO GO NOW!”

“Chaeng- I..” She tried to say when the phone beeps, indicating the end of the call.

They came 15 minutes after she hang up their call, appearance so dishevelled some might think they’re some kind of a hobo.

“Is she okay?” Jennie asked as Chaeyoung was currently feeling too wrecked to even function.

“I- I don’t know , Jen.. One minute she was standing and the next she was suddenly on the floor unconscious.” She explained as her hands swung wildly in her manic.

Jennie said nothing but pulled Jisoo into a tight hug in which she immediately melt into, followed by Chaeyoung as the three of them relied on each other for the comfort they badly needed at the moment.

Their million questions were finally answered another hour later. In midst of her mini panic, the doctor handling Lisa's case came out of the room and approached her jittery self.

"I'm sorry...”

That was all Jisoo needed to hear to know that, she was not okay, her lover never was. She knew, Lisa knew that she didn't have much time left and yet, she still smiled and act that bubbly personality of hers. Always unyielding, always without flaw, not even once.

A gasp was heard, yet she couldn’t care less.

Jisoo pondered, just when did Lisa became such a good liar?

"I hate you so much..." She sobbed as her back slid against the white hospital wall. Its horror and constant dullness that painted her peripheral stayed unflinching. Leaving her, to fend for herself after the heart wrenching news that might just destroyed every good thing she had left in her life.

‘such a tragic life of a dreamer’’Such a pity’

I wonder Lisa,

I do wonder...

==========

Jisoo spent a restless night back at home. She laid on her side of the bed and took in the unusual coldness of her own personal sanctuary. Her stare resided on the empty right side of her bed. The golden sparks in her eyes had faded hours ago, only the remnants of it stayed. It had turned tedious brown in its departure.

She breathed deep, trying to remember her scent. Truth to be told, it had been hard for her to leave her love alone on the hospital bed, but she was not one to defy doctor's order. Though she really gave the nurses a run for their money when they need to forcefully dragged her away from her lover's limp body.

She decided then, she should have fought against their grasps harder, for Lisa was worth every struggle.

Every. Single. One.

==========

Days passed in a blur after the news. It was broadcasted on their social media accounts that they will be taking a long hiatus with the reasons unknown. It sure did cause an uproar in their fandom with their seemingly abrupt disappearance but in the end they couldn’t do anything but to accept their idols’ decision.

Realising the ticking time that was eating away her love’s life, Jisoo brought her everywhere her heart wished for. Her heart clenched every time she saw Lisa's face light up when she brought her to places she had never been before, knowing any moment now could be her last.

She smiled bitterly at that. Her time was limited and she was fucking desperate for any kind of miracle. She prayed every night, for something, anything, to happen.

Because she would give it all just for her to be okay again. That way, they would be able to do the future they had planned out together. In their future, they would be living in a 2 storey mansion with Dalgomie, Leo, Luca and 4 kids running around the house. They would grow old together, wasting their time watching the sunset every evening with a warm cup of tea.

Fate always said otherwise, because the one time she actually found someone who loved her for her. They took her away from Jisoo.

Even sometimes, love was not enough...

==========

It was another cold evening on the midst of December. The couple was snuggling on the couch just enjoying each other's warmth. Jennie and Chaeyoung were out, buying food for their dinner. No words were spoken, though the comfortable silence of the empty dorm was broken when Lisa called out to Jisoo.

"Jisoo?" Lisa asked quietly, head laying slack against Jisoo's chest.

"Hmm?" She responded, hand moving to stroke Lisa's hair gently.

"Can we sing right now?"

Her hand stilled from her movement as she looked down at her. Usually, Jisoo would have laughed at the random request but the look on Lisa's face, left her stunned. Absentmindedly, Jisoo started to sing one of her favourite song, Long Live.

It really was ironic.

"I said remember this moment

In the back of my mind...” She started, voice wavering a bit.

She was shaken out of her reverie when Lisa suddenly sat up and started pulling at her hands, urging her to stand with her.

“The time we stood with our shaking hands

The crowds in stands went wild

We were the kings and the queens

And they read off our names

The night you danced like you knew our lives

Would never be the same ..."

At this point, they were both dancing around in their apartment, not caring about what would happen in the future. Live in the now they said.

“You held your head like a hero...”

Lisa sang, voice sounding off key but none of them care anyways. She crossed her arms and posed as superman pretending to be showing her ‘spectacular biceps’ that had become bony and last muscular over the past few months. She nodded her head at Jisoo cueing at her to sing the next lines.

"On a history book page

It was the end of a decade

But the start of an age..."

Jisoo stayed quiet and instead, she only looked at her funnily. Lisa had no choice but to continue singing with a grumpy voice.

"Come on CHICHU!! I SAID ONE, TWO, THREE... SING WITH ME!!" She held out her hand between them as if to share the microphone for the both of them.

"Long live the walls we crashed through

All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made"

And bring on all the pretenders

One day we will be remembered...”

This time Jisoo did join the fun, screaming with her lover as they belted out the lyrics. They might just sound like dying whale and the neighbours would surely filled out a noise complaint but seriously, they could careless right now. No headlines, no media, no worries. Just Jisoo and Lisa singing off key in their penthouse apartment.

"I said remember this feeling

I passed the pictures around

Of all the years that we stood there on the sidelines

Wishing for right now..."

Lisa continued as she looked at Jisoo and pulled on a funny face, successfully bringing a long overdue smile on her girlfriend's face.

"We are the kings and the queens

You traded your baseball cap for a crown..."

Jisoo gestured to Lisa's head as if to put on an imaginary crown on her. Lisa smiled at the gesture and did an over exaggerated curtsy before standing up straight to urged Jisoo to keep singing as she swayed from left to right, doing some weird dancing of her own.

"When they gave us our trophies

And we held them up for our town

And the cynics were outraged

Screaming, "This is absurd"

'Cause for a moment a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world..."

Jisoo belted the lyrics as she knelt on the floor like a rock star. Lisa was having the time of her life as she rolled down on the floor laughing her ass off.

"Love live the wall we crashed through

All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made"

And bring on all the pretenders..." Jisoo sang loudly.

I'm not afraid," Lisa continued with a big grin on her face.

"Long live all the mountains we move

I had the time of my life

Fighting dragons with you

I was screaming, "Long live the look on your face"

And bring on all the pretenders

One day we will be remembered

Hold on to spinning around

Confetti falls to the ground

May these memories break our fall..."

Jisoo actually sang beautifully this time, giving it her all as she pour her heart for their impromptu Lichu-karaoke session. As she opened her mouth to sing the next stanza, Lisa had already beaten her to it.

"Will you take a moment,

promise me this...

That you'll stand by me forever

But if God forbid fate should step in,

And force us into a goodbye..."

Lisa sang the lines softly to Jisoo as she put her hand over her heart as tears welled in her eyes.

"If you have children someday

When they point to the pictures,

Please tell them my name..."

Her voice cracked as she sang it, knowing the reality of it all. Jisoo rushed to comfort her but one hand motion from Lisa and another plea of "I'm okay," left her with no choice but to continue the song.

"Tell them how the crowds went wild

Tell them how I hope they shine

Long live the walls we crashed through

I had the time of my life, with you...”

Jisoo presented Lisa with a teary smile as she pointed her fingers at her. She furiously wiped her tears away, and when she belted the next line, she was determined to end this in a good note.

All smiles no frowns.

"Long, long live the walls we crashed through

All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

And I was screaming, "long live all the magic we made"

And bring on all the pretenders

I'm not afraid..." She sang as she put on a brave face and a salute at Lisa, getting a smile out in return. Jisoo gave her a signal and they sang the last lines together.

"Singing long live all the mountains we moved

I had the time of my life

Fighting dragons with you

And long, long live the look on your face

And bring on all the pretenders

One day, we will be remembered..."

They finished the song quickly and enveloped each other in a tight embrace, tears still streaming down their faces.

"Long live us...” Jisoo whispered against her head.

"Long live you...” She added with a smile, before pressing a light kiss on Lisa’s forehead.

You will be remembered...

==========

Lisa did last longer than expected as she somehow managed to get past through her birthday and Jisoo's. Though another incident might have barraged their way at her.

On the morning after Jisoo's birthday, Lisa had stupidly fell off her bed. But that, was not the problem. It was the excruciating pain that followed after that. She swore she had never screamed so loud in her life.

Hearing her screams, Jisoo bolted upstairs towards their shared bedroom. Fingers fumbling with her phone ready to call 9-1-1.

This was giving her a sense of déjà vu. Added with the fact that in dire times like this, Jennie and Chaeng always seemed to be away at an important meeting with their management, leaving Jisoo alone to deal with a crying Lisa.

Seeing her Lisa laying helplessly on the floor, screaming her head off, Jisoo panic level accelerate to 100 real quick. She knelt down beside the whimpering girl and wafted her hand through her hair, while whispering sweet nothings to soothe her pain.

"You're gonna be okay, baby.."

You will,

You have to...

==========

"She fell the wrong way, Chaeyoung. I've said this to you a million times. Why won't you believe me?" Jisoo hissed at Chaeyoung as they walked down the hospital halls to Lisa's room. She was being prepped for immediate surgery because apparently her stupid fall could possibly cause paralysis. Stupid bed and stupid floor, she had said.

"Wow unnie , Okay I believe you, but seriously you need to chill. You're basically on fire right now.." Chaeyoung tread carefully, afraid to get Jisoo madder than she already was.

"You're dealing with this better than I ever was Chaeng. How are you okay with her dying?" She ranted, frustrated.

"I'm not, and I never will be okay with her dying, so don't even try to say that. But, do you know what makes me strong unnie? It was her wish. She personally told me that she wanted her last days to be full of smiles, not tears; not frowns. So I tried, I really tried my best every day to keep the smile on my face, to keep the happy thoughts on my head as if she wasn't dying. I had to respect her wish. I had to, unnie..." Chaeyoung confessed as she blinked rapidly to avoid the tears from falling, knowing Lisa would caught up with her act once she saw a faint tear marks on her face.

"I'm sorry Chaeyoung-ah, I-I didn't know,"

"It's okay unnie, please just trust me on this. You need to respect her wish too okay?"

"All smiles?"

"All smiles."

==========

It had not been great.

Lisa was paralysed from the waist down. But she had not reacted poorly. She had taken a moment of silence after the news, both her lover and best friends looking at her expectantly, gauging her reaction. What happened next was not expected by the both of them.

With a defeated sigh, Lisa had looked back up towards the doctor and asked a simple question.

"Can I go back home now?"

The meaning behind her words were clear, she didn't want to talk about it and it was to be expected. Yet, that split moment when she looked at Jisoo at the word 'home', really messed with Chaeyoung's emotion. She had lived, knowing that her best friend and sister had found her home. A place for her to belong, yet, it was wretched from her grasp just after she found it.

Home…

Lost.

==========

Today was the day the two brotp? finally get to hang out. Though, Jennie realised she should have done this sooner. She had immediately became fast friends with Lisa after their first meeting with each other during their trainee days. She had said, the only reason they got along so well was because their ‘stupid aegyo tendencies and annoyingly cute gummy smiles ’ cheers to Jennie for that. She knew her gummy smiles are valuable winning weapon. So to speak, with their fast growing friendship and what not, this news had truly affected Jennie deeply.

They were strolling around the central park, not a lot of people were in sight which was a plus to the both of them.

"Jennie, if you didn't stop thinking, smoke might came out of your head any time now," Lisa suddenly said, causing her to pause in her movement.

"Shut it Manoban, or do I have to hit you to do so?" Jennie clapped back at her best friend who now appeared offended. She put a dramatic hand over her chest and said.

"Really? You'll hit a cripple? WHERE ARE YOUR MORALS?"

"Where yours are?" Jennie sassed.

"Shit, let me call Satan. He has them. Along with my list of fucks I do not give."

"Oh please, SOMEONE PLEASE GET THIS GIRL SHE'S ANNOYING ME," Jennie was all but shout.

"Watch it Nini or I'll tell Chaengie about your behaviour."

"You are such a tattle-teller, you b*tch. You disgust me," Jennie said in her best Kim-Kardashian-accent as she flipped her hair to get her point across.

"My energy should not be wasted talking to you, move along please I need to get my ice cream," Lisa commanded from her wheelchair bossily.

"You're lucky you're cute or else I would've left you somewhere," Jennie complained as she grudgingly started to push the wheelchair to the ice cream shop.

==========

Miracles do happen, sadly it didn't always last.

==========

Lisa knew her time was coming, knowing she had outlived the doctor's predictions; this was bound to happen anytime soon. It was a little after the New Year. She was being woken up, with severe chest pains. She screamed which immediately woke Jisoo up.

"Lisa baby, what's wrong?" She asked soothingly, trying to keep the panic from her voice.

Jisoo didn't get an answer from Lisa except for her occasional whimpers which caused her to curl further into herself, hoping to make the pain stop.

She knew her time was coming,

But she sure as heck was not ready for it.

==========

Lisa was hooked to a ventilator that night, her lungs had failed her and she didn't expect any less. Seeing her lover so fragile against the hospital bed, Jisoo made a beeline to the chair beside the bed and held her sleeping hand tightly.

She leaned her head closer to the bed and rests it at the edge of the pillow. It might have been an uncomfortable position but she wanted to, she need, to remember her.

I don't want to forget...

Right before she continued her restless slumber, Jisoo hummed sotto voce. She sang a song very dear to her as a prayer, and God, she did hope Lisa would listen close in her slumber.

“Please stay by my side,

Please stay with me..

Please don't let go of me, the one who's holding your hand...

I love you,

I love you...

In the long silence, a sound comes, screaming

From my foolish and weak heart..."

==========

The goodbye was the hardest.

==========

Lisa was looking at Jisoo as best as she could through her half lidded eyes. She could she the hudled figures of her best friends standing on the other side of her hospital bed. God, she was so tired, and she had long accepted her fate. She stared at Jisoo with any adoration she could muster and smiled weakly.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She suddenly said, breaking Jisoo out of her trance.

"I want to remember you."

"Don't do this to yourself baby, please"

"I- I can't Lice, please I can't forget you. I don't want you to go. I LOVE YOU! Why is that not enough?" She sobbed as she desperately cling to her hospital gown to discard any possible distance between the two of them.

"It doesn't matter if I'm not physically beside you, unnie. Please don't cry, love, I'll look after you from the sky. You won't forget me because I'm here with you. I stayed in your heart. I'll visit you in your dreams, there you can relinquish all your joys and sorrows to me. You'll remember me, just like the way my heart will call out to you in the after life..."

"I love you, Lice. I'd give it all just for one more day with you..."

"Don't dwell- on your sadness please, all smiles, okay?" Lisa had to stop in between words to catch her breath as her lungs started failing on her.

“Unnie, if it is time for me to go, can you take care of Jisoo unnie for me?”

Lisa never said it to anyone in particular neither Jennie or Chaeyoung, but the message was clear. They responded with a tight squeeze on her arm and a teary smile.

Their last moments together were spent with Jisoo brushing the remnants of Lisa hazel brown hair, as they enjoyed the silence that sang lullabies for those in passing. It wasn’t long when the silence was broken by none other than Lisa.

"Can I get one last kiss before I go to sleep, Chu?"

“Anything for you love,” Jisoo smiled a bittersweet smile through her red eyes and puffy cheeks before leaning in as they lips met in passion.

So desperately, trying to make it a kiss, one could remember forever.

"Sing for me please, Chichu…" Lisa whispered her last wish. She moved her body a little bit as she sagged against the hospital bed, eyes fluttering close.

"Hallelujah,

You were an angel in the shape of my love

When I fell down you'll be there holding me up

Spread your wings as you go...

And when God takes you back,

He'll say, "Hallelujah, you're home."

Jisoo wait until her breathing became no more, before she stopped. With one last cold kiss to the lips, Jisoo muttered her prayer against her skin.

"In peace may you leave the shore;

In love may you find the next.

Safe passage on your travel," Jisoo finished and wipe her tears away. She leaned her face closer to Lisa's and mumbled against her lips.

"May we meet again, Lisa..."

==========

It was nothing special, another day, another time, another dawn. They recalled that time when a young Lisa Manoban swore that when she died she would do it in such honour, with lots of people crying for her.

They had laughed it off then, saying that she wasn’t even close to a hero or a president. It was a stupid dream to begin with.

Lalisa Manoban didn’t die in such great honour, she didn’t die with the sound of trumpet and manmade tears marring people’s face as they pretend to show empathy to the fallen grace.

She died, on a normal Wednesday afternoon, with 3 of the brightest stars in her life, and I guessed for her,

It was more than enough.

==========

"One last kiss to a cold lips, to seal the prayer."

==========

#creative writing #blackpink #lisa manoban #jennie kim #kim jisoo #park chaeyoung #blackpink fanfic #lisoo #jenlisa #chaelisa #have a good day #hug me #kim taehyung #jhope #you are loved #blackpink lisa

22 notes · View notes

alicezan-ncgred · 6 years ago

Text

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative.

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this.

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too.

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin.

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better.

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression.

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that.

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD, Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind.

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue.

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt.

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly.

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling.

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode.

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.

#Long post #tw: suicide #TW: Depression #Trigger Warning #TW #OCD #Anxiety #Chronic Depression #Bipolar Disorder #Bipolar #Mental Health #My mental health

7 notes · View notes

impracticaldemon · 6 years ago

Note

I dont know if I can ask this, but in which routes did you like chizuru and which routes did you not like chizuru? Can you rank them if you can? I'm sorry that this question is so long!

[Note: I am getting to my asks a bit slowly, but I’m getting there. ♥]

Hi Anon! It’s not too long a question, don’t worry about it. :) I found this difficult to answer, but I’m pretty sure I know what you mean.

There are no routes in which I actively dislike Chizuru.

Chizuru starts out as a sixteen-year-old, middle-class girl, who is already showing amazing courage and love/loyalty just by going to Kyoto to find her father. Victorian / late Edo-era Japan was not great for women (neither were Europe or North America). This isn’t to say that the women weren’t strong people; the truth is that they were amazing, and they put up with and dealt with a lot. However, middle class in 1864 (wherever you were) meant enforced gentility--nothing like the self-conscious middle-class for foisting constricting social norms on girls and women.

That said, some routes made me more uncomfortable with the character than others. Also, while I don’t mind Chizuru being physically disadvantaged by size, gender, and (insufficient) training/experience, I do mind it when she doesn’t get to show the courage and loyalty that are a key part of her character. And curiosity! The girl is constantly poking around where she allegedly doesn’t belong (grin).

For once, I’m going to try to avoid too much detail (NB: I failed). It took me a lot more time to answer this than it should have maybe–and I’m still not convinced that I was able to get away from my biases about the various routes. :/

Routes where I liked Chizuru best as a character:

Souma (Chizuru as senpai was wonderful; ‘nuff said)

Heisuke (she slapped him when he wouldn’t snap out of the self-pity and ‘I’m no good for you’ routine; she was totally ready to fight together with him against the odds; she let him be serious with her, instead of seeing only the surface; she went after what she wanted)

Saitou (she stuck by him and made her own decisions–I found she was fairly self-determining on this route; she risked rejection to offer to listen, and gave pretty good advice; she tried to be playful with one of the least obviously playful guys in the bunch; and, er, so on–my bias is really showing here, but there’s a reason I like this route… grumbles in embarrassment)

Yamazaki (I like Chizuru stepping up to be useful, which we see clearly in this route–I’m a fan of the Chizuru-as-doctor’s-daughter role; she also has an important role to play with keeping Yamazaki-the-fury from going off the deep end)

Hijikata–mostly (she’s a little too passive and starry-eyed at times, but (a) not as much as I tend to remember, (b) he’s a decade+ older, beautiful, utterly determined, charismatic etc. - give the girl a break!; and (c ) she consistently pushes at his boundaries despite how brusque or angry he gets–even after knowing enough not to be starry-eyed)

Route where Chizuru was fine:

Nagakura

Kazama, probably (I’m not saying it’s a preferred pairing for me, but in terms of Chizuru’s character and actions, the route’s fine; she goes with Kazama to find the Shinsengumi, and she puts herself and her pride on the line to do it (she has to ask, as a favour); she doesn’t ever suddenly like Kazama early in the game, nor does she condone his behaviour/arrogance; she demonstrates good judgment in trusting him eventually; she doesn’t suddenly become passive, nor does she ever enjoy his sneers; she goes on to recognize his strengths in large part because (a) he matures a bit, which takes the edge off his sense of entitlement, and (b) he has the time to show her he’s consistent in looking out for her)

Routes where I liked Chizuru, but she was kind of clueless, or something else bugged me (about her) more than normal:

Harada (still one of my favourite routes because I like fluff dammit, as well as kind, protective guys who are–oops, just a little defensive of Sano!!; anyway, Chizuru was still brave as all heck, BUT she was a little too clueless at times over her own or his emotions; there’s the “nobody could really like me, I’m just a prisoner” problem, and then the “I’m a monster” crisis; and then she tries to sacrifice herself to go alone to face Kodo–I mean, what’s the point, and why isn’t she letting Sano make his own decisions about what he wants?; I know what she was trying to do, but it’s not a trope I’ve ever liked in romantic pairings - plus, lying is bad and she was going to end up full of fury swords; AND YET I didn’t mind too much because she was still brave, caring, working hard, and working toward both a personal and a big-picture goal)

Okita (Chizuru is willing to put up with an unbelievable (to me, who is clearly not Chizuru!) number of death threats and put-downs from Souji, for quite a while, and it really bothers me; I’m far more sold on this route than I used to be, but still stuck on why Chizuru would fall for Souji in the face of being called weak, useless, unintelligent, and a free-loader (I don’t believe he was genuinely teasing her until later on, for reasons); however, one must make allowances for physical attraction, and a personality designed to prefer dangerous, “difficult” guys (honestly quite possible--but Souji advocated killing her!); other than me wanting Chizuru to smack Souji upside the head on a number of occasions in the first part of the game (which would be a BAD idea, and decidedly unsafe), I do like Chizuru in Okita’s route, but much more as the route progresses and I can buy into the way they become close to each other)

--Okay, the truth is, I prefer both Okita and Kazama in AU settings. Good thing there are excellent fic writers around!

Iba (I’m neutral on Chizuru as a character, here; it was interesting seeing her more involved with her demon heritage, but I kept thinking she was lacking the fire and spirit of other routes, and could have been a lot more engaged and engaging–maybe I just need to replay the route?; I could see why she’d fall for Iba)

Routes where I wasn’t comfy with Chizuru’s character

Sannan (I was a little uncomfortable with her behaviour, because she seemed almost too desperate at times to ‘make the situation/relationship work’; but there were a number of things that I liked, as well–courage and compassion, especially; I concede that Chizuru has a notorious weakness for hard luck cases, so it kind of makes sense?)

Sakamoto (she seemed surprisingly fickle to the Shinsengumi, to me–she paid lip service to loyalty, and talked about being uncomfortable, but she seemed swayed by Ryouma almost from the start, whether by his looks, his boldness, or his declared take on Japan, war, and politics; meh–not sure I can be fair here, and the question was asked about my subjective opinion; I never saw her being personally active in this route; maybe I need to play it again and pay better attention!)

#hakuouki #haku thoughts #imp's opinions #yukimura chizuru #long post #as usual argh #just hope somebody wants to read this!#anon asks #asked and answered #at far too much length again

28 notes · View notes

sadrien · 7 years ago

Text

prince of cats

chapter eight: which mannerly devotion shows in this

on ao3 || on ffnet 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8

sorry this is late, its been. rough.

maybe dont expect a chapter next week? i should (hopefully) be moving into my dorm on sunday so uhh yeahhhh.

i literally know nothing about apartment hunting. i did some googling on like..what happens if you apartment burns down but i kept it suuuper vague so...sorry about that

enjoy

Marinette curls up at a chair in Alya and Nino’s kitchen and clicks through emails on her laptop. She needs to be designing, but her bag with her tablet in it is across the room and she doesn’t want to get up right now. She has a cup of tea in front of her and is comfortable with the way she’s sitting.

She’ll be productive later.

She checks her phone for messages, not sure what she’s expecting, but still being strangely disappointed when she doesn’t have any.

“Hey, girl,” Alya says, wandering in from the bedroom. “What’s up?”

“Not much,” Marinette murmurs. She closes her email and goes back to the apartments she was looking at. “Still looking at places. I am…struggling.” She pulls on her pigtail as she chews on her bottom lip.

“Hm.” Alya places a dish in the sink. “You know you can stay here as long as you want, right?” she asks, turning around to face Marinette.

“I know,” Marinette answers, keeping her eyes on the screen.

“Mari.” Alya sits down across from her and slowly pulls the laptop away.

“Hey! I was—”

Alya closes the laptop. “The world won’t end if we talk about this.”

Marinette sighs. “I am definitely intruding.”

Alya scoffs. “Shut up, Mar. You’ve been my best friend for like a decade now. Which, one, holy shit we’re old. Two, you will always have a home with me. You’ve known Nino for even longer, trust me, he doesn’t mind.”

Marinette rubs her temples. “I just…”

“You don’t want to be a bother. You don’t want to overstay your welcome. Blah blah blah.” Alya grabs one of Marinette’s hands and squeezes it. “Remember when we were starting university and we both thought we were going to be jobless and homeless and I promised I would share my box with you?”

Marinette nods.

“This,” Alya taps on the table, “is my box. I am sharing it with you. I swear to god, Nino and I are more than happy to let you stay here as long as you need to. As long as you’d like. We want to help you. If you feel that bad about it, you can buy groceries every once and awhile. Give us a few euros for the rent.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Marinette mumbles.

“I know you don’t want to back to your parents, but they’re there too,” Alya reminds her. “Even if they are a little bit further from your work. You might have to figure something out since they totally renovated your space, but your friends and family are here to support you. But you have to let us help you.”

Marinette sighs. “I know. I just… I don’t want to feel like I’m leeching off of others.”

“You’re not,” Alya says firmly. “We all know you can provide for yourself. Right now you just need some help and that’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Marinette takes a deep breath. “I know.”

“You don’t have to keep looking for an apartment if you don’t want to,” Alya says softly. “Or if you want to take a break from looking for a few weeks. But don’t stress out about this too much. We’re here for you.” Alya leans across the table and presses a kiss to Marinette’s forehead. “I have to go work on an article, but let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Mhm.” Marinette stares at the table as Alya gets up and goes back into the bedroom. Marinette reaches for the laptop before she stops and unlocks her phone instead.

She opens up to a text conversation she keeps opening up to, like that will change the messages that have and haven’t been sent.

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy Hi this is Marinette Just checking to make sure we put in the right numbers and everything

From: The Cat Guy To: Marinette (the Neighbor) Yup! Numbers are right, this is indeed Adrien How are you doing?

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy Im doing ok Im going to be staying with Alya and Nino until I figure out what to do Ho w are you?? Are you able to stay with your friend?

From: The Cat Guy To: Marinette (the Neighbor) I’m doing pretty well, Plagg isn’t loving it though And I am, yeah! Hopefully I’ll be able to find my own place soon enough

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy Thats good!! Hopefully Ill find a new apartment soon too, Id love to get my stuff out of storage you know??

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy If you need any help looking for apartments, let me know! Ninos surprisingly good at it andhes been helping me out

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy I hope youre doing well

She closes her messages and locks her phone. She looks desperate. It’s been over two weeks since Adrien last responded to one of her texts. She didn’t think he’d fade from her life that fast, but apparently she was wrong.

She needs to move on. She has bigger things to worry about. Like finding an apartment.

Marinette apartment hunts for about twenty minutes before she switches over to YouTube and starts binging random YouTubers.

Goodbye, productivity.

✦ ✦ ✦

“Has he texted you back yet?” Alya asks as Marinette and Nino lounge on the couch.

“Not yet,” Marinette says, keeping her eyes on the action on the screen.

“Hm.”

Nino pauses the show. “Did you ever find his social media, Al? You were pretty determined.” Alya groans and drops onto the couch, laying across Marinette and Nino’s legs. “I tried. And I did find an instagram, but it’s just pictures of his cat.” Marinette smiles a little, even though it kind of hurts. “I can’t believe he has nothing else.”

“He’s not a very social person,” Marinette points out.

“Whatever,” Alya mutters. “He’s kind of a jerk anyway.”

Marinette looks away. “He might just be busy.” She can feel Nino and Alya’s eyes on her.

Yeah, she doesn’t really believe it either.

✦ ✦ ✦

Marinette tries to leave the apartment whenever possible. She goes to work and stays out for lunch and gives Alya and Nino as much space as she can. She loves them and believes that they would let her stay for the rest of time, but she still wants to give them privacy sometimes.

She would get sick of herself too.

She visits apartments. Some that are too expensive, ones that she hates, ones that are too far from her work, ones that are falling apart. She finds a few that she likes. There’s one she sort of has her eyes on, but she’s also, strangely, a little worried about moving in. Or out. Or…on.

She’s getting lunch at a café when she looks out the window and sees a black cat sitting on the fire escape of the next building.

She finds herself thinking of Plagg.

Marinette goes back to eating and tries not to think of Adrien too much, but part of her knows that all she’s going to draw tonight will be Adrien’s face. The curve of his nose, the line of his hair, the sweeping lines of his hair—

That reminds her that she still needs to buy new watercolors and colored pencils. Unfortunately, of the things to survive the fire, most of her art supplies was not on the list. The fire had started on the floor above hers, and had just reached her apartment when it was put out.

Honestly, she’s relieved that anything of hers survived.

On her way back to work, she stops at the art store. She shells out on a new set of watercolors and some paper and a brush set. She hesitates at the copic markers before getting a single green that reminds her of springtime and nothing else.

As she exits the store, a black cat rubs against her legs. Marinette looks down and the cat looks up at her, meowing.

She sighs and reaches down to scratch behind its ears. “I have to get to work.” That cat headbutts her hand. “So I can only be here for a minute.”

The cat meows in protest when Marinette stops petting it and stands up. Suddenly struck by inspiration, Marinette takes a picture of that cat at her feet.

She opens a message thread that hasn’t been active in over a month.

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy [image sent] I met a cat today and thought of Plagg I hope youre both doing well

✦ ✦ ✦

Nino turns up the music as he cooks dinner, rocking back and forth and singing into a spoon. Marinette rolls her eyes and maneuvers around him to get to the cabinet with the spices.

“Marinette!” Alya shouts from the livingroom. “You’ve got a text!”

“A text?” Marinette yells back. “From wh—”

“Holy shit!” Alya screams. “A text!”

“That sounds important,” Nino says, raising his eyebrows.

Alya trips overself as she runs into the kitchen, shoving Marinette’s phone at her.

From: The Cat Guy To: Marinette (the Neighbor) [image sent] Plagg says hi and that he’s extremely jealous

#marinette dupain cheng #alya cesaire #adrien agreste #nino lahiffe #miraculous ladybug #my fics #proc ml #prince of cats ml #good night i dont even know what this chapter is about

90 notes · View notes

gavis-bettel · 7 years ago

Text

whats up im k and my mom and i have issues with each other and any time we try to communicate about it it ultimately ends with my mom getting unreasonably pissed at me and storming off

tonight we covered a number of subjects but most notable was that my mom thinks she has some intimate knowledge of the inner workings of my psyche and when i told her that not only was she wrong, but she knew pretty much nothing about me or the way i think about that specific thing, she got quiet and stomped off to her bedroom

i love being told im (apparently) a huge asshole and also an ultragenius with an iq of 2 billion (not her words but still, way to put me on a fucking pedestal ffs) who feels so intellectually superior to my idiot peers that im constantly condescending to the point where other people cant stand me and im so insecure about being unable to make friends that it just makes me an even bigger asshole and if i want to make friends all i have to do is when, because this happens, my classmates turn to me and tell me they dont understand what we’re going over in class, instead of telling them “of course I know that!!! don’t you?” i should offer to explain it to them (because apparently that’s how i interact with people, and in the rare case where i actually do understand something, i don’t actually try my best to explain it to them! i had no idea that that’s actually what i was doing instead of saying “yeah i don’t get this either” or “its c because the principle of xyz says that abc happens when you do that” i was actually saying “you fucking idiot! only the stupidest moron would’t get this! I, the smartest bitch alive, know the answer!!!” I HAD NO IDEA THAT THIS WOMAN WHO HAS NOT SEEN ME INTERACT WITH UNFAMILIAR PEOPLE MY OWN AGE SINCE I WAS A PRETENTIOUS 12 YEAR OLD COULD READ ME LIKE THAT!!!!!! I JUST DIDNT KNOW THAT THE WAY I BEHAVED IN CLASS WHEN I WAS IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IS THE EXACT SAME WAY I ACT A DECADE LATER BECAUSE NOT ONLY HAVE I NOT GROWN AS A PERSON, BUT I HAVE ACTUALLY REGRESSED BECAUSE IM JUST SOOOOOO UNSATISFIED WITH MY OWN SOCIAL SKILLS!!!

and like, when i said that she was 100% wrong about my attitudes and behavior she just got so fucking mad at me. like im sorry you didnt actually read my mind and call me out on everything im doing wrong as a person and clock all my insecurities because you dont actually know me as well as you think you do because you havent physically been there to observe how i act around other people since i was a child. my bad.

#star emoji #ignore this im just venting

1 note · View note

teamkaiforever · 7 years ago

Photo

Fearless - Part I

Kai Parker x Reader word count : 2 045 summary : Kai and Reader meet in NYC during the summer vacation. He falls in love with her but never tells her , and he is even more surprised at the end when he figures out who she really is. *gif by lightwoodxalec ____________________________ The beginning of June … Kai never imagined how good life can be. After he got his freedom , making a deal with Bonnie to siphon away the spell he put on her and Elena linking them together , he had spent the past 20 somewhat years travelling the world and experiencing the good life. He had the chance now and wasn’t planning on wasting it. Every year he lived in a different city , experiencing life to the fullest. This year he had decided to live in New York City and it was there where he met her. She was walking down the street , coffee to go from Starbucks in one hand and her phone in the other , not looking where she was going. Kai had been distracted himself with his phone in his hands as well. Its been years and he still loved social media as much as when he had first discovered it after getting out of 1994. “OH God , I am so sorry.” the girl apologised for bumping into him. Kai looked up from his phone meeting the girls eyes ready to scold her for not watching where she was going but instead he froze on the spot. She smiled nervously at him , pushing away a strand of hair from her face , only moments later realising she had spilled her coffee on her clothes. She was wearing black ripped in the knees skinny jeans , a white top with print (now covered with coffee stain) and a black / white plaid shirt. “Ugh … Now I have to go get a new one.” she muttered under her breath. “Why are you apologising ? It wasn’t your fault , not completely anyways.” Kai said smiling at her. He couldn’t put his finger on ‘why’ he liked her instantly but he did. There was something different about her. Kai took off his jacket giving it to her to cover up. “Here , take my jacket. It works with your outfit anyways…” “Thanks” she said awkwardly. “I’m Y/N by the way.” “Kai.” he said. “You know I live near by , sort of , you can come and change there , I am sure there will be at least one thing in my closet you can borrow…” Y/N shifted nervously on her feet shaking her head. “I shouldn’t … “ “I promise I am not some psycho or anything ..” he said finishing his sentence in his mind ‘not any more at least.’ Y/N nodded. “Oh-kay. Thanks.” They walked mostly in silence towards his apartment, navigating through small streets avoiding the large boulevards. “Are you from New York ?” she asked. “You seem to know this town very well. To me it just seems like a giant maze or something. It’s so easy to get lost here.” Kai walked quietly for a moment , feeling nervous all of the sudden. He had met many people during the past 2 decades but none of them were like her , he could just feel it. He never liked anyone and if anyone ever tried to stand in his way , that someone usually ended up a meal. “Um , no. Its a recent thing. I spend a lot of time travelling.” “Are you an actor or something ? You sure have the looks for it … and you look strangely familiar.” she trailed off. Kai glanced at her ,knowing for sure he’d recognise her if they had met before. Her long brown hair in waves and her big blue eyes just like all her features were unforgettable. They reached his apartment building and walked in , climbing to the 5th floor. “I don’t think so , no.” said Kai unlocking his apartment door , letting her walk inside first. “I’ll be right back. Any shirt colour preferences ? Girls usually have those about everything - clothes , shoes , ice cream , phone covers ….” Y/N laughed. “I am not like that. Whatever works for you , really.” “Oh-kay.” Kai disappeared into his bedroom for a few minutes before coming back with a couple of t’-shirts in his hands. He gave them to her , pointing to his bedroom if she wanted to change in there. Y/N took the shirts and went inside , quickly pulling her top off before putting on one of the white shirts on. It was a little bigger for her but somehow worked , the soft material gently brushing on her skin. Y/N walked out with her stained top / plaid shirt in her hand , fixing her hair as she walked with the other. “Thank you … Kai , was it ? Its really nice of you to do all this but … I dont want to impose or bother you in any way.” she laughed nervously. “You are not bothering me in any way. Do you want some coffee or a bagel or coffee and a bagel ?” Kai got up quickly from the couch taking the clothes from her hands and heading for the laundry machine. He didn’t want her to leave , all he wanted was to spend a little more time with her. He couldn’t understand why , but he liked her instantly. Y/N smiled shaking her head. “I must be dreaming or something. No one is that nice.” she muttered to herself. Kai smiled to himself. If she only knew … “So what brings you to the big apple ? Job ? Family ? …. Boyfriend ?” he asked curious while pouring a cup of coffee for her , hoping it wasn’t the last option. “None of the above. It’s the summer vacation before my senior year in high school. Thanks.” she said taking the cup from Kai. “I just had to get away from my hometown. My parents were driving me nuts…asking questions ‘where are you going next year ; you cant put off the decision anymore’ and I just bailed without telling them.” she laughed nervously. “I was actually texting my dad when we bumped into each other … he was furious.” Kai suppressed a smile.” OH I know a thing or two about dads being furious…. Sure he’ll forgive you. Mine never did , then again I did something worse than running away…“ Y/N looked at him curious wondering what could Kai have done that had been so bad. He seemed beyond nice to her. Not many people would welcome a stranger into their home. Part of her wondered if she should’ve said ‘no’ to his offer instead but inexplicably she felt a connection to him , like they know each other from somewhere. They spent the rest of the day together talking. Later on Kai drove her back to her hotel , exchanging numbers and agreeing to meet for coffee the next day. He was charming , funny and his smile was enough to get her to fall for him. Being around him was as easy as breathing and Y/N liked him pretty much instantly. She wanted to get to know him more. Kai and Y/N spent most of the summer together. He even invited her to stay over at his apartment instead of spending money on a hotel , insisting she takes the bedroom after she had agreed to stay at his place. But the summer went by too fast… and Y/N had to leave to go back and finish her senior year. They spent their last day together in NYC at Central Park , walking around and talking. He watched her feed the ducks , chased her around the park , took pictures together. Kai even used his magic when she wasn’t looking making sure every detail of the day was perfect. “Where are you going ?” he asked , dropping her off at the bus station. In all their time together , the subject had never come up. They mostly talked , went for walks or bike rides or to the movies. Kai hadn’t even realised when he had fallen in love with her. Was it the time she crashed her bike and had a nasty fall resulting in a concussion or was it the time she had a nightmare and sneaked onto the couch with him into the middle of the night? He didn’t know , all he knew is for the first time ever he felt strong something for someone. “Virginia. A dusty old town called Mystic Falls.” she said. Kai froze on the spot. Of all places it had to be Mystic Falls. “My dad’s going to pick me up , don’t look so worried. Its a small town , nothing bad ever happens there. And .. you can come visit me any time. In fact …” she said snatching his phone from his pocket.“That’s my address…OH and if my dad answers the door - do not tell him we lived together this summer. He is so annoyingly over protective , sometimes I just wish he never … Hey , are you OK ? You look all pale all of the sudden.” Kai was starring at the address Y/N had typed on his phone. He knew that address. It was the address of the Salvatore Boarding House which meant he knew who her parents were. How hadn’t it hit him earlier. She looked so much like her mother - her hair , her slim physique , except for the eyes - she had her father’s eyes. “Sorry , low blood sugar I guess… “ he said awkwardly , putting his phone back in her pocket before pulling her in for a hug. Kai didn’t want to let go off her , knowing he’d probably never see her again. His heart broke at the thought and he felt his eyes water. “I’ll miss you Y/N. More than you can imagine… and I’ll never forget you or any moment we spent together. I’ll always remember you…” Y/N pulled away more confused than ever. “You are talking as if we’ll never see each other again. Its scaring me… We will meet again.” she wiped a tear from his cheek. Kai never cried , he hated tears … she knew that much. Something must’ve gone wrong but she had no time to ask him about it then and there. The bus driver called out all passangers for Virginia and she had to go. “One more for the road?” Y/N said waving her phone in the air. “Sure.” Kai said leaning in for their last selfie together. “You will send it to me right ? As a keepsake …” “Of course , just like I always do.” The bus driver called out again and Y/N gave him a kiss on the cheek and one last awkward hug before picking up her suitcase and heading towards the bus. “I’ll miss you more than words.” she said turning to take one last look at Kai. “I’ll miss you more.” he said smiling before wiping another tear from his cheek. Kai watched her get on the bus , waiting for the moment the vehicle disappeared from view before heading home , wishing he could change his past and be with her. There was no way her parents would agree for him to even look at her let alone let them be together. His phone buzzed and Kai quickly pulled it out of his pocket , taking a look at the screen - just as Y/N had promised , their last picture together was attached to her email along with a message.“See you soon , Malachai.” followed by a winky emoji.It took him a moment to realise he had never told her his full name. Kai turned around glancing at the bus in the distance with a mix of surprise and confusion on his face. “What … How .. ?!” Kai wanted .. no he needed to know , but he knew this conversation he’d have to have in person. He went back to his apartment quickly packing his things before going on the road again. This time … to Mystic Falls , after the girl who awoke something in him he never knew was there… After the girl he inexplicably and irrevocably fell in love with. _________________ MASTERLIST March / April 2017 MASTERLIST MAY 2017 ___________________

90 notes · View notes