#sorry i just. love them so.much

[senseiwu]

This is so mei and iza coded 💖

[wastelandcatartist]

Shitty things my mom does (feel free to add your own)

Me: Hey, mom, its my day off and I want to relax

Mom: Relax?????! You are so lazy!! All you do is sit on your phone!!!! You cant live through those yputubers go have a life!! Get out of the house once in a while!!! At your age I was woth your dad

Me: *rolls eyes bc ive heard it before* Okayyyyyyy sorry I asked to relax for once.

Mom: For once????! You give so much attitude!!! You are so.ungrateful!!!! You poor baby you dont know the stress i deal with with our money problems, ypu need to get a full time job or get a.second job!!!

Me: *nearly in tears, but handling it* Alright fine I wont relax. Geez. I just asked a question and you went.off on me

Mom: *proceeds to scream at me and get my dad to yell at me even though I am just sitting there taking it*

~~~~~~

Mom: *complains about millenials* *later says something i find offensive*

Me: Wow. That was rude.

Mom: Oh you poor millennial you want everything handed to you dont you? You want everyone to be happy froofroo nicey nice to each other dont you?

Me: Better than you generation.with their bullying and homophobic/racist stuff.

Mom: Oh that w a just being silly!!! And it.toughened us up!!! The world is cruel!!!

*later*

Mom: Why are you SO scared of.living on your own??? Dont be such a baby!! The world isnt so bad!!!

Me: *internally screaming*

~~~~~~

Me: *genuiniely forgets something*

Mom: Thats a poor excuse. You.didnt forget you just didnt want to do it. It wasnt something for YOU so you dont care you are so fucking selfish!!

~~~~

Mom: I was doing so.much more at your age. You are not an adult. You are a child. Age is nothing, it doesnt.make you an adult.

Me: *pissed off* Then how are you an adult?

Mom: you are so hateful! I go to sleep crying every night because.of the way you treat me.

~~~~~~~

Mom: If i do something that bithers you, tell.me and we can work ir out.

Me: (*thinking* wow! Things are finally turning around!!) Okay well *thing that genuiniely upsets me*

Mom: That bugs you???? Lol, you need to get over yourself.

Me: 🙃🤐

~~~~~~~

Mom: *once tore up any nsfw art I had at 15. Restricted anything or:13 or more and even cursing in comics* Why dint you like when im in your room? Are you hiding anything? What are you hiding? Drugs??

Me: ??!?!?!? You tore up.art you.didnt like because it was dirty even though I was a horny teenager and that was my way of working out those feelings????

Mom: I never did that. You are.lying. you.have always lied no one will ever believe you.

~~~~~

Mom: If you keep pissing me off I'm gonna punch you.

Me: Do it and I will call the cops on you.

Mom: you arent a minor anymore i can do it.

Me: ???its still assult??? Lmao

Mom: Do it. Your dad will defend me. He works for the jail. I will tell the cop that you are lying. You have lied so much to.me and your dad they will beleive me and not.you because.you are a.dumb kid.

~~~~~~~

Me: Hey. I'm 20. Can you treat me.more.like an.adult?

Mom: Sure. Pay this.much retn, this much bills, this much everything. You have to have it next week.or.else you will be evicted from MY house.

Me: You.know i dont make that.much a paycheck???? And this isnt what I was talking about???? You know this?????

Mom: I am.the parent you are the child. Get over it. No matter what i will be the adult and you will be the kid.

~~~~~~~~

Me: *shows my.mom something nsfw i did bc I was proud of.it, gave fair warning of what it wpuld be*

Mom; This.isnt talent. This is garbage. Why are you wasting.your talent

~~~~~~~~

Me: *draws fanart*

Mom: I wish you would make.ypur own works. Not cpoy someone else's creation. You habe potential. Use it. Go to.college.

Me: I cant.afford.college. I dont.make.enough to save.

Mom: Stop buying bullshit (art supplies to help.me). I know how. to save. I have taught you. I must be a failure.

~~~~~~~~

Me: *age 16* Mom I think I have bipolar disorder.

Mom: If you.really think thst call a therapist and set it up yourself. I habe watched you and.you.dint look like.you do, you are always smiling.

~~~~~~~

Me: *accidentally says 'we' when talking about the lgtb++ community, even though i have come out at pan repeatedly*

Mom: We???? Lol you arent GAY I have seen the way you check guys out.

Me: No but im.not straight. Im.pansexual. I habe told.you this.

Mom: Whatever.

~~~~~

Mom: *watvhing some transphobic piece of shit* Well, they do have a point that once you are a boy you are always a boy

Me: Abd thats what horomone replacement is.for???

Mom: Thats dangerous i don't get it. There are only two genders.

Dad: Even after surgery you are still a guy. Even if.you.look like a girl and act like a girl.

Me: ????thats awful and transphobic?????

Them: no way!! We love everyone!!!!

Mom: the inly ones that bither me are the nonbinaries. I will call THEM 'it'. I dimt get how they can be nothing. Women that are nonbinary just hate women. I refuse to call them they.

Me: *explains it.in a way she can understand*

Them: Dont.understand. wasnt in my generation. Doesnt make.sense. there are only.two genders.

Me: *red flags for homophobes and transphobes*

~~~~~~~~

Mom: i cant wait until you finally get a boy friend. *stops* or girlfriend or ITfriend. I want to see you happy.

Me: ?????????? How do i meet people

Mom: put.make up on and make.yourself.look nice and.not.like a scrounge once in a while. *also tries to set me.up woth COMPLETE STRANGERS I DONT FIND ATTRACTIVE*

~~~~~~~~~

Mom: *got.pissed when i was 12 and chatted online, telling me everyone I talked to was pedophiles*

*now*

Me: *chatting with online friends*

Mom: What are you doing?

Me: Checking notifications.

Mom: I bet you are talking to.your booooyyyyfriends oooooooooooooooo

Me: Nope.

Mom: Uh huh

Me: no.

Mom: Whatever. You are chatting eith strangers. You are an adult.if you.dint want.to.listen oh well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mom: You dont love the pets like.I do. You forget to feed an water them. Thats how.your dog died. (She died of old age :/)

(Also note i feed and wster them when i remeber AND do the cat litter AND play with them. She cuddles them and.pets them)

~~~~~~~~~~

Me: I think i habe depression.

Mom: No you dont. I do. Look at my self harm scars I habe always wanted to kill.myself. you smile how arr you.depressed??

~~~~~~~~~

Mom: *uses stuff from when I couldnt do things in my own against me, like changing my diapers*

Me: Hey this makes me feel bad about being alive and makes me wish I was mever born

Mom: Oh I'm joking. Get over it you sensitive snowflake.

(Feel feee yo add your own! My dad is a gaslighter and mental abuser, starting to realise my mom isnt a poor abuse victim. Theres a reason she loves my dad. Too much alike. Anyways I wanna hear your own!!!)

[teddy-feathers]

Mom said once "I hope you feel better tomorrow" and I got upset I think because honestly this isn't going away. Ever. I just get to live with this the rest of my life and at the time I was really upset.

I think it was because I was scared that there was never going to be a better tomorrow.

But just because I'm not going to get better doesn't mean I'm not going to be able to cope with it all better. That I won't learn to take care of myself in a way that makes my tomorrows better.

And yeah there's going to be shit days. Hell even some of my best days can be pretty shitty.

And no I'm not going to be okay.

And lord knows I'm sorry you have to deal with me on shit days...

But I also... My shit days are still me. And while I'm also hoping for a better tomorrow, that I'm coping better then wont change that I'm still me at my worse.

I'm hoping for better tomorrows but I'm also trying to learn and force not only myself but the world around me to accept and realize that I still am me and you still have to meet me at my level when I'm not okay.

It's exhausting and practically impossible for me to hold myself to the standards I used to try for - that even when I'm not okay I'm okay, that I still can push myself to comform to how I "should" be.

I'm not hoping for a better tomorrow to cut out the parts of me I dont like anymore, to suddenly get a handle on shit and be able to just not have shit days.

I'm hoping for a better tomorrow where I allow myself to exist as I am. Where other's do too.

And again yeah maybe I'll learn some neat tricks that'll let me turn thirty spoons for a week into fifty or stop me from loosing all the spoons and struggling to find the god blessed drawer or whatever metaphor you prefer, but this is me.

It doesn't stop being me because I'm having a shit day. Doesn't stop being me because I desperately dont want to exsit and I indulge in wallowing in thst feeling, doesn't stop being me because I'm difficult at the time or its inconvenient for myself or some one else that I'm not okay.

My being exceedingly problematic doesn't mean I have to sequester myself away until it passes just so its not uncomfortable for other people.

Depressed!Me and Anxious!Me don't get turned into Functioning!Me and suddenly forget that underneath all the finery I'm still a pumpkin - that I'm NOT avpd!Me just because today is a better day.

And just because you can make pumpkin pie doesn't mean you have to or that ...

Any ways I lost track of my thought

I think...

People try to tell you dont let your whatever define you. The thing is is that it comes across as "even though you are this thing, you dont have to be" which isnt true. You ARE that thing. Youre so much more sure but ignoring that and pretending that the "good" is all thats there is denying a very real part of you that is STILL THERE even on the best days or the ones where it doesn't effect you.

"You can get better - dont be anti recovery - it isnt healthy to - " some things dont get better and thats honestly okay...

Or it should be.

I mean. I have brown hair. My coloring it doesn't change that its brown. My trying all the tricks in the book might not stop it from growing no matter what I do to eradicate it or stoping the fact that its a real part of me. My choosing not to color it doesn't make it less brown, my not fighting it and accepting that I'll always be hairy doesnt make me

Look

Just look okay?

Knowing what is wrong with me and saying yeah this is my problem it defines me

isnt necessarily a problem like everyone seems to want to make it out to be

So MUCH of my life makes sense, my desicions and actions and feelings

Like if i went out and got an eval that said "im a quiet person" and yall said "dont let that define you! You can be loud and talkitive!" Like yeah sure allow me to just rewrite myself to please you. Allow me to just make myself feel like shit for being soft spoken and force myself to fight it instead of making it work for me or learning to work around it.

And who knows maybe youre write. Maybe if i work at it someday ill have out grown my problems. Great. It definitely wont be because I tried every thing in the book to make the problem go away.

Hell who knows maybe im full of shit or this only applies to me but

The problem isnt the problem its our attitudes about the problem.

On a personal level

On a social and societal level

Like fucking hell let people have problems

Let people deal with those problems

People ARE more then their problems but whenever someone tells me - regaurdless of what is meant - to not define myself by my problems all I see is "your slip is showing tuck it back in"

Like dude we have so many lables to try and define and explain and communicate who we are.

The problem isnt that im happily waving around "problem flag number 5" its that you dont want that to be part of the main show when damn if it dont kinda carry the plot.

Its a fundamental part of who i am and NONE of my life made any sense before it was pointed out.

"Why didnt you, why did you, what do you mean you dont know how csn you not know?!?"

Dude its because Im avpd.

Oh teddy ran away from home and lived on campus and ate out of a trash can for a week or two

Or teddy didnt tell anyone she didnt want to do this if she had just said something

Oh teddy why dont you want to go back to school i dont want you to waste your fine mind

Teddy learn from our mistakes, ask for help, use our experience!

Teddy youre not stupid so why are you acting like it

Just seriously there is so.much in my life where I and every one around me was going "why are you doing that you dont even want to be doing that it DOESNT make any sense"

And i was left floundering to explain things I couldnt explain.

A good 80% if not more of my life is because of or directly related to my problem.

I am defined by it - hell I am who I am because of it.

And yeah I'm hoping for a better tomorrow but like i said its still going to be a huge chunk of who i am.

Maybe its like cowardice. If you're brave you gotta admit you were afraid. The more bravery it took to do something the bigger coward you really are. We all want to be a brave dude but we pretend like a brave dude aint just a coward who ran screaming despite himself towards the thing he didnt want to do.

"Youre not a coward, don't let fear define you!" Dude I'm the biggest fucking coward and even if tommorrow I walk through the valley of the shadow of death with a song on my lips that wont change the fact I AM a coward.

Also I dont have to define my successes by anyone elses standards.

Maybe my act of bravery today was not brushing my hair, not finding my name badge, not wearing my work boots. I mean yeah most days i manage the mage those things but TODAY it was a trial to go to work - in fact i was 20 mins late.

And hell if i loose my job again? Do you get to say im letting my problems get the best of me? Fuck no. You dont get to say shit.

I get to say i have my problems i cant deal with this. I wont deal with this.

Im not letting it define me, im accepting my own limitations and no longer killing myself trying to pretend that there's a cheat code to get around them.

Just whatever. Too long a rant and my phones dying. Love you.

[esiluv-blog]

To my "The One That Got Away".

Its been a month since the day you left me alone and broken,until now still embracing the pain,yes I love you so.much., that's s why it hurts so much. That day of storm I almost died, my body's numb, I can't breath and I can't eat oh sorry Inknow you don't care about me anymore. As I remembered I gave my all, I gave my best shot for the sake of love, for the sake of everything,sad to say it wasn't enough. No regrets of loving you because I was the happiest woman on earth when im with you. I thank you for the almost 7 months and another 4 months of sweet memories, for your half baked love ,for your unconditional love, for making me feel mixed emotions, for making me a better person, for changing my ways on how to handle things, for staying up late when I'm having asthma attack and for hurting me so deep. I know it's hard to start all over again,many left unsaid ( why did it happen? Why did you leave me? Why did you find this relationship of ours boring? Why'd you broke my heart and your promises? ) a lot of whys, still no explainations and answers do i deserve that kind of treatment? You know what hurts? Its that I trusted you,i loved you and i thought you would be different from my exes,turns out that I was wrong and you're just like the rest of them.

To my love Rafael take care of yourself, be happy.

To myself sorry self for letting you hurt,dont worry you will be fine soon...sorry if it will take so long because I still love him.....sorry.