#sorry i haven't been here in a while my life is in shambles lmao

[nightingiall]

little do you know, chapter 16; do you know? (part ii)

Fact: “You blame a person’s behavior on their personality, unless the person is you.”

previous chapters + drabbles

Mona watched her hands warily.

Her mehndi stain was a beautiful and rich dark brown. Pari created an intricate yet simple design that suited Mona to the bone, but her words constantly rung in Mona’s head whenever she looked down at the stain.

Niall’s name looked as if it was mocking her, all tiny and nestled into the tip of a flower petal. She sighed.

She wasn’t having the best of days. She woke up with a dull ache in her chest, acutely aware of how cold her bed was, how alone she was. The memory of Niall’s lips on hers burned, which she knew would happen. She knew if she slipped up and finally got close to him again that it would hurt too much when she woke up in her bed alone. And yet, something came over her last night that she couldn’t control, something she could only describe as an overwhelming want.

She wasn’t really sure if she regretted anything yet.

“Mo, what are you waiting for?” Jyoti’s voice cut right through her thoughts, and when Mona looked up, she was watching her quizzically from the door. “Aren’t you gonna come down? They’re gonna start in a few.”

She was in Pari’s room, sitting on her bed. Pari had all but dragged her in here as soon as she’d come by this morning, yammering on and on about how she just had to help Mona get ready because they weren’t allowing her to do much with Deepa, who had hired a hair and makeup artist. As soon as she laid eyes on Mona’s mehndi stain, though, she grew quiet, and Mona looked up only to find her grinning deviously at her. She didn’t need to say anything. Mona already knew what she was thinking.

Now, Mona sighed, sending Jyoti a small smile. “Yeah, I’ll be down in a second.”

Jyoti smiled too, but she seemed a bit more unconvinced. “You okay?”

Mona looked down at her fingers. She’d been restless since she woke up this morning and no attempts of calming herself down had worked. She shrugged. “Nervous,” she muttered, huffing out an anxious laugh. A lump of emotion lodged itself into her throat and she had to fight to swallow it down.

“Oh, Mona darling,” Jyoti sighed, crossing the room in a few strides to take a seat next to her on the bed. She placed a hand over Mona’s trembling ones. “I know this is probably not what you wanna hear right now…” Mona held her breath, looking over to meet Jyoti’s eyes, only to find hers glazed over in seriousness. “But, I think you need this. I think you’ll feel so much better once you get through it.”

Mona heaved out a deep breath. She’d been trying to give herself that same pep talk all morning but she’d been spiraling. She couldn’t help it. It had been so long since she even spoke to him, and, for some reason, despite that one phone call on the night of her birthday, she didn’t feel comfortable with this situation at all.

“Come on,” Jyoti drawled, giving her shoulder a nudge with hers. “You’ll be fine. We’re all here for you.” Mona looked up only to find her smiling at her. “Now put on your happy face. We have a wedding to show up to and god knows Deepa will throw a fit at the mandap if she spots you looking sad.”

At that, Mona cracked a smile, much to Jyoti’s delight. She sighed as she took Jyoti’s hand and let her lead them out of the room. As soon as they made their way through the hall and down the stairs, the atmosphere, and Mona’s mood, had shifted. The festivities were in full swing, and the excitement and happiness in the air was so palpable that it felt as if it were seeping into Mona’s skin.

Jyoti left her side when someone called her name from the crowd and Mona went off to go find Harlow. She grabbed a glass of water from someone with a tray nearby and gulped it down in one go. She couldn’t help but feel a little jittery, and everyone she interacted with definitely noticed. Harlow’s aunt even went as far as blatantly asking if she was okay.

Mona sighed to herself when that conversation was over. She started walking around again in search of Harlow, who was nowhere to be found. Mona figured she must have been upstairs helping Deepa get ready. She scanned the crowd again only for her eyes to land on a familiar pair of blue ones. Niall smiled at her from across the room and, again, she sighed to herself. He shouldn’t be allowed to look that good.

She smiled back at him, heat flooding her skin as the memory of his lips on hers from last night came back. Her fingers tingled and she glanced down to take a look at her mehndi stain again, which seemed to be getting darker by the minute. Niall started to walk towards her, and she found her legs moving to head towards him as well.

Until someone stepped right into her view of him.

Mona froze. It felt as if her blood had iced over in her veins, and whatever sense of calmness she had started to feel quickly evaporated into thin air. She couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even think. The moment she’d been dreading was finally here and now she didn’t know what to do with herself.

“Hey, Mo,” Nick said to her. He smiled easily, and it seemed earnest and a bit nervous. Despite it, Mona couldn’t find anything in her to send him a smile of her own. “It’s been a while, huh.”

Mona wished the ground would just swallow her whole. This was her brother, for crying out loud, and she couldn’t even say a word to him.

It turned out, she didn’t have to. Niall was stepping in beside her, and even without looking at him she could tell he was in protective mode. His shoulders were squared, standing up to his tallest height, despite Nick having a couple inches over him. When she looked up at him, he was already sending her a concerned look, brows raised in a silent question: Is everything okay?

Mona sighed. He could always see right through her.

Niall was getting ready to say something—probably scathing—to Nick but she stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Niall,” she mumbled, “this is Nick. My brother.” At that, Niall’s demeanor had softened significantly, but his shoulders were still tense. Mona turned to look at her brother. He was watching them carefully, but even she couldn’t ignore the hope in his eyes. “Nick, this is my friend Niall.”

“Hi, Niall.” Nick immediately held out his hand, his megawatt smile taking over his entire face. Mona had forgotten how charming her brother is. “Nice to meet you.”

At that, Niall’s icy exterior completely melted, and he sent Nick a smile of his own. “Likewise, mate.” Mona didn’t miss the way Niall inched closer towards her, a silent reminder that he noticed her internal panic. “Sorry for being a little defensive back there. Mo just looked a little spooked when she saw you is all.”

“Yeah, no, I totally understand,” Nick laughed, his eyes on Mona. “It’s just, uh.” His voice softened. “It’s been a minute since we’ve civilly interacted.”  He inched the slightest bit closer to her, and Mona was beginning to lose her nerve. Nick held his arms out for her, an easy smile on his face, but even she could see from his eyes that he was nervous. "For old time's sake?" 

Mona tried to swallow through the very large lump that had grown in her throat and was failing. Memories of the last time she spoke to her brother flooded her mind and she could feel her fingers starting to shake again. It was the oddest thing, how someone who had once meant the world to her, who was supposed to protect her from everything, now made her feel the most on edge.  

Her silence, and stillness, had him faltering, but before he could fully put his arms down, she took a deep breath and stepped towards him, timidly walking into his open embrace and loosely wrapping her arms around his middle. When he tightened his arms around her shoulders, her heart gave a harsh twist. She and Nick may not have had the closest relationship, but she had always looked up to him.  

He was always better than her—the perfect son, the perfect brother, the perfect friend. It was a rare moment that she envied it, and the one time that she both envied it and let it show, it caused what seemed like an irreparable rift between them. She didn't know if things could ever be like they were.  

"We miss you, Mobear," he murmured into her hair, and it felt like her heart stopped at his old nickname for her. He pulled away, hands on her shoulders, eyes looking into hers imploringly. “Mom misses you. What would it take for you to come and visit her, just once—” 

"Nick," she sighed, moving to shift away from him, but he wouldn't let her go. He looked desperate, enough so that it was difficult for her to put her walls all the way up and walk away from him. "Please don't do this. Not right now."  

"She needs you, Mo." His voice had softened significantly. Mona looked away only to catch Harlow's eyes at the other end of the room. She was standing with Jyoti and Pari, all of them looking both concerned and hopeful at the same time. Harlow sent her a look that Mona understood all too well, one that was always sent before she came over to rescue Mona from whatever situation she seemed to be stuck in. Mona nodded reassuringly at her though. She could get through this on her own. When she met Nick's eyes again, he looked sad and defeated, an expression she rarely saw on him. "She's not doing so well. And she just—she just wants to see you again. Or even just speak to you. Anything, just please—please let her back in." 

She shook her head at him, that lump in her throat returning, and she willed the stinging in her eyes to go away. "I can't. I won't—I mean," she huffed, "I can't just pretend like everything is okay or like we left off on the greatest terms—" 

"I'm not asking you to pretend, but she really just wants to talk. Or you don't even have to talk just let her see your face so she knows—" 

"No, Nick." Mona's voice was the firmest she'd heard it in a while, and at the sound of it, Nick's hands dropped from her shoulders. She instantly felt bad when he took a step back, and she wondered if he still thought of her as cold and heartless. "I'm sorry," she blurted, sighing. She looked down at her fingers, trailing a finger over Niall's tiny name on her palm. She could still feel his presence beside her, and it made her feel much calmer than she actually expected to be. "It's still hard," she mumbled. "It's been years and it's still hard." 

At that, Nick sighed too. "Yeah. I know."  

He was much paler than she was, so the flush on his cheeks was visible. If it was from frustration or uncertainty, she wasn't sure, but she was feeling soft towards him at the moment. "Let's not talk about this now. Let's just put on our happy faces for Deepa and pretend like everything is fine, like we always do."  

Nick looked up at her, eyes glazed over in an emotion she couldn't quite read. It looked like sadness, but it appeared so strange on him, on someone who was always so sure of himself and his place in the world. "I'm sorry," he whispered, cheeks reddening even more. Mona nearly wondered if he was about to cry, but the thought was so ridiculous that all she could do was stare at him in disbelief. "For everything. For things happening the way they did.” Mona didn’t want to believe him but there was an honesty in his eyes that was indisputable. “There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t regret letting you run away and not going after you when you did.”

Mona gulped. She didn’t know what to say. All she knew was that she couldn’t go there with him right now. She didn’t want to think of that night. And she sure as hell didn’t want to talk about it either. “It was nice seeing you, Nick,” she murmured. He looked disappointed at her words, but he nodded nonetheless. Mona took his silence as an opportunity to turn around and walk away. She headed straight towards Harlow, who was standing in the same spot she’d seen her last.

Harlow reached for her immediately, throwing an arm over her shoulders and leading her through a corridor towards where Mona knew the guest bedroom was. When Harlow opened the door, a few of the younger children were inside playing a game, and she quickly ushered them out, much to their irritation. Harlow pulled Mona inside and closed the door behind her, and Mona quickly headed towards the only open space on the overcrowded bed. The whole room was filled with luggage, and she’d nearly tripped over a particularly large one.

“You okay?” Harlow breathed out, eyeing her in concern. When Mona nodded, Harlow hummed, moving around some things so she could take a seat next to her. “That conversation looked interesting.”

Mona shrugged. She was feeling strange. There were so many emotions swirling within her that she wasn’t sure which one she was feeling the most. “It was weird.”

Harlow nudged her shoulder with hers. “How so?”

“I dunno.” She noticed that her fingers were still shaking. “Still processing.”

Harlow huffed out a laugh just as someone started to knock at the door. “Well my little robot,” she joked, getting up and moving towards the sound, “that actually went better than I was expecting.”

Mona nodded. She felt the exact same way. “I guess that’s why it was weird.”

Harlow opened the door to reveal none other than Niall behind it. She ushered him in quickly and closed the door again. Mona understood her urgency. If anyone spotted them, word would spread like wildfire that they were in here, and knowing Indian families—or the Kotecha family, rather—their nosiness would get the best of them and Harlow might as well find them with their ears pressed to the door.  

"Everything alright?" There was a soft smile on Niall's pretty face, but even Mona could see the concern in those bright blue eyes.  

She nodded at him. Her emotions were catching up with her and she was beginning to feel a sort of numbness crawling up her bones. She knew it would only be a matter of time before she crashed and felt all of them in overdrive.  

Harlow huffed, and when Mona looked up, she was looking out the window. The groom must be arriving. "I'm gonna have to go. Niall, please stay here with her and make sure she doesn't have a breakdown on us."  

Niall snorted. "Aye, aye, cap'n."  

This time, Mona was the one huffing at the two of them. When had she become so easy to read? Most of all, when had Harlow and Niall become partners in ensuring her mental health? These past couple of months have been so strange.  

Harlow quickly scurried out while Niall took the seat beside her on the bed. He nudged her with his shoulder, and when she looked up at him, he was giving her a soft smile. She didn't have to think twice about leaning her head on his shoulder, and he immediately wrapped his arms around her. The numbness was beginning to melt into anxiousness, and she found herself curling into him, trying to breathe through her heart beating a million miles a minute.  

Niall reacted quickly. "Hey," he murmured softly, lips brushing over her hairline. "You did great, love. That was a conversation you needed to have and you handled it like a champ."  

But Mona didn't feel like one. Instead, she felt like she lost even more of herself. Waves of the memories she had tried so hard to suppress were coming back in droves, the most painful being those resurfacing from the day she left.  

"Mo." Niall's voice pierced through the clouds in her mind and it sounded very concerned. She realized, as she came to, that she was gasping for air. "Talk to me, darlin', you're scaring me." 

Her last gasp ended in a whimper, and she tried to breathe calmly through the twisting in her chest. It was too much. She should have never come. "I'm sorry."  

At last, a breathy sob left her lips, and as a lone tear began to roll down her cheeks, Niall shifted to kneel in front of her, hands clutching both of hers on her lap, that soft smile never wavering from his face. "Not what I meant by 'talk to me'."  

She huffed out a laugh, shaking her head at herself and glancing down at their intertwined hands. The mehndi flower on her palm, where his name lay nestled into the tip of a petal, tingled on her skin. She met his eyes when he reached out to swipe away the tear from her cheek. "This is why I didn't wanna come back," she whispered hoarsely. "Because revisiting everything about why I left—it's just too painful." 

Niall's smile faltered, but he put it back into place quickly. "But holding everything in all the time is not the healthiest option either." Mona looked away from him. She sniffled, feeling her lips start to wobble again. "I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you need this. You need the closure. You'll feel so much better once you get through this." 

She huffed. "Niall, I don't--" 

"Stop." He squeezed her hands firmer. "You're just trying to talk yourself out of it but you know it's true. I mean, just look at the way you were yesterday." A traitorous tear rolled down her cheek again but he quickly swiped it away. "Being with Harlow's family again made you happy in a way we haven't seen you in a long, long time." This time, when she met his eyes, they were a reflection of his words: honest and determined. "I missed that Mona," he said very quietly, like it was a secret meant only for her ears. "That Mona taught me that I didn't need to be angry at the world just because I was broken. She taught me how to let people in, how it was okay to feel my emotions and not shut them away, how to love."  

Something about his words had gears clicking into place in her head. Mona looked at him now and saw a very different Niall than the one she'd first gotten to know at the cabin. That Niall had anger issues and wore a perpetual impassive expression on his face. The Niall sitting in front of her had an easygoing personality and a smile that could light up entire streets and houses and cities. The Niall in front of her is the one she fell in love with.

She didn’t realize how much she grew over the past year, and how much all her friends grew with her. None of them were the same people they were a year ago.

But now, she felt stuck, in her head, in her relationships, in her past. She didn’t know how to pull herself out of it.

“My dad died because he was in his car and got hit by a drunk driver,” she blurted out. She clenched her eyes shut, unable to believe that the words just came out of her mouth. She swore she’d never talk about it, never think about it, like if she did that she could pretend it never happened. But Niall was right. She needed closure. And maybe this was the way to get it. “It was an 18-year-old guy who’d just gotten his license and a new car. He had gone to a party and decided he was okay to drive. His blood alcohol level was nearly twice the legal limit.”

Niall’s hands slackened around hers. She didn’t dare look at his face. She knew it must have been a mixture of shock and sympathy, neither of which she wanted to see right now.

“He had an argument with my mom that night. I’m not sure what exactly it was about, but she mentioned the word divorce and he exploded.” Goosebumps rippled across her skin at the memory. It still felt fresh, and talking about it for the first time in years felt like rubbing salt into the wound. “I was about to sneak out…I always did when they started to fight. But, I dunno, something stopped me that night. I ended up just sitting at the top of the stairs, listening. This argument just seemed…different…more serious in a way they’d never been.”

Mona sniffled as Niall started to dab away her tears with a tissue. He was careful around her eyes, presumably not to mess up the careful makeup Pari had applied there. When she glanced at him, his lips were pulled down into a frown.

She huffed out a breath. She could feel the emotions welling up inside her and it was only a matter of time before it burst. “He just stormed out. But before he left, he caught me sitting on the stairs. He smiled at me and mouthed to me that he loved me.” Her voice cracked. The memories felt as if they were carving her heart out of her chest. “That was the last time I ever saw him.” A harsh sob left her throat. “I could have stopped him. Or I could have gone with him. But I just sat there, on the stairs, waiting for him to come back home. But he never did.”

Mona didn’t realize when it had happened but her body had sort of melted into Niall’s without her knowing and suddenly she was crying into the curve of his neck. He held her tightly, rubbing soothing circles into the small of her back and swaying with her gently. He didn’t say a word, which only meant Mona felt the need to propel on in order to fill the silence.

“I can’t go back there. I can’t look at her.” At the door, someone was rattling with the doorknob. But because it was locked, they gave up and moved on. Mona would have to pull herself together soon, but she didn’t know how that was possible if all she was doing was falling apart. “It’s all her fault. If she hadn’t fought with him that night, if she hadn’t made him upset, he would have never left.”

“Mo.” Niall pulled back to look at her. He held her face between his hands, thumbs swiping away her tears. “You don’t really believe that.”

Mona whimpered, pushing his hands away and covering her face with her own. She wasn’t sure what she believed anymore. It was just easier not to think of any of it.

Niall’s fingers found her wrists, tugging gently. “Remember when you convinced me to call my mum back? You said that at least she was reaching out to me because your own mum just accepted you leaving.” He managed to pry her hands away from her face. “What if she never reached out because you thought of her like this? I mean, your brother said she’s not doing well. Shouldn’t you be the one reaching out to her?”

Mona snatched her hands away from his. Frustration was beginning to course through her veins. “You’re supposed to be on my side, Niall!”

Niall sighed. “I am on your side,” he said quietly. He shifted so he was sitting next to her on the bed again. “That just means that I have to be honest with you when you’re not being honest with yourself.”

She huffed. Just as it came, her irritation quickly melted out of her and her mind was starting to feel clear. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, closing her eyes and willing herself to calm down. When she opened them again, she felt determined to pull herself together and attend Deepa’s wedding with a smile. She placed a hand over Niall’s. “C’mon. We have a wedding to go to.”

Niall simply smiled at her, and the sight of it had her insides warming up.

She knew she could get through this wedding if he stayed by her side.

~

Mona was too comfortable to move.

She was extremely warm. Her face was pressed into the curve of his neck and her fingers were curled around the fabric of his t-shirt. He was sleeping soundly, but holding her close nonetheless, lips pressed to her forehead like he was giving her a kiss just as he was falling asleep.

Something tugged in her chest when she glanced up at him. Niall always looked so much younger when he was asleep, all boyish and precious. She didn’t catch him like this often because he normally woke way before she did, so whenever she did she couldn’t help but savor it for a few moments. She fell more and more for him every single day. Especially after the events of this weekend.

Which were, needless to say, pretty eventful.

Niall had tried to help her salvage her makeup after her meltdown, but he had to give up after a few attempts because, “this isn’t something I know how to fix, Mo.” Eventually, he told her to stay put for a few moments while he left the room. In the time it took him to get back, Mona stared at her reflection in the mirror and noted that she found herself looking like this way too often, all puffy eyes and dull, blotchy skin.

When Niall got back, he entered the room with Pari, who took one look at her face and already started to shake her head. She chattered on and on as she redid Mona’s makeup, and when she was done, Mona had to admit that it actually looked better than before. “Oh!” she had exclaimed once she caught sight of Mona’s hands. “It got even darker!” She then proceeded to show Mona’s hands to Niall, yammering on about her expertise while Mona quietly suffered through her uneasiness because she didn’t want Pari to flip her hands over so Niall could see his name on her palms.

Thankfully, Pari decided to spare her, and they made their way out of the room as discreetly as they could. They were just beginning to bring Deepa down as they got to the mandap area, so Pari quickly scurried away to join her sisters while Mona and Niall found seats next to Harry, Zayn, and Liam.

Mona and Zayn spent a majority of the ceremony elaborating on what was happening to Harry, Liam, and Niall. The three of them laughed in amusement when Harlow and her sisters stole the groom’s shoes and watched in interest as Deepa and Aditya took rounds around the fire seven times, then reciting the seven sacred vows to each other. Mona nearly teared up when Aditya applied sindoor to Deepa’s head and then placed the mangalsutra around her neck. She couldn’t believe that Deepa was now married. It seemed like only yesterday that they were children, running around the yard and driving the adults crazy.

After the customary ceremonies took place, the newly-married couple took the blessings of their parents and other adults. A reception took place where people ate more food and gave gifts to the couple, and the Kotecha girls returned the groom’s shoes in exchange for gifts and money. Mona had stuck around for a while before deciding that she didn’t want to run into Nick again. It wasn’t long until Niall was ordering an Uber and Mona told Harlow that she was going to call it a night, to which she understood.

When they got back to the hotel, Mona went to her room to strip of all her clothes and makeup and quickly slipped into comfy clothes. She found herself making her way to Niall’s room, who welcomed her in with a soft smile. They sat around in his bed watching TV for a while before Mona started to doze off, the events of the day catching up with her. Niall pressed a slow and sweet kiss to her lips before she completely settled in, and she had fallen asleep with a smile on her face.

Now, as she watched him, she couldn’t help but feel her heart twist in her chest. His words from earlier were echoing in her head, and the more awake she became, the more restless she felt. What if he was right? What if it was Mona who should have been reaching out to her mom instead of the other way around? Her family knew her more than anyone else. They knew more than anyone that she just needed space to gather her thoughts and then she’d be fine. Space was what they must have been giving her. Until things must have gotten bad with Mom and Nick got desperate.

Mona mulled through all the feelings she’d suppressed for so long and realized she was wrong. Taking her anger out on her mom was wrong and unfair. After all, she couldn’t imagine the guilt her mom must have been feeling after Mona unnecessarily blamed her for what was actually just a tragic accident. And while it didn’t dull the pain of losing her dad any less, it came with a wave of clarity that Mona had been searching for all along. For the first time in months, she felt calm, her pulse a steady thrum in her skin, and she knew what she had to do.

She shifted away from Niall, being sure not to jostle him too much. She didn’t want to leave him, but she also couldn’t stay there and let her thoughts consume her. His breath hitched for a moment but then he sighed in his sleep, nuzzling into the pillow Mona placed between his arms. Mona contented herself with watching him for a few moments, reaching out to lightly brush back his hair before pressing her lips to his forehead.

Then, she swung her legs over the edge of the bed and moved about gathering her things as quickly and quietly as possible. She made her way to her room to slip on a sweater and grabbed her phone. It was nearly midnight, which probably wasn’t the best time. But everyone was right, she needed closure, and she wouldn’t be able to relax until she got it.

She ordered an Uber and made her way outside, wondering if the others made it back yet or if they were still at the Kotecha’s. After a quick scroll through social media, it was clear that Harry, Liam, and Zayn were still having fun with Harlow and her family. She wondered if, because the festivities were still going on, it meant that Nick might still be there too.

It wasn’t long until the driver was pulling up in front of a yard she knew all too well. The sight of it nearly had her throat closing up. It didn’t feel like that long ago when she was vowing to herself that she would never come back—and now here she was.

She walked to the front door as if in a trance. All the lights in the house appeared to be off, and the darkness had goosebumps rising all across her skin. There was no car in the driveway, which meant Nick still wasn’t home. As she got up the porch, she nudged away a loose stone under a window to reveal a spare key. She rolled it over in her hands for a few moments before working up the nerve to insert it into the door knob and twist the lock open.

She took a deep breath as she pushed open the door and stepped inside. It was completely silent and dark in the house, save for a light coming from where she knew her mom’s room was upstairs. As soon as she closed the door behind her, the scent of sandalwood overwhelmed her, reminding her increasingly of her dad, and she was surprised her heart didn’t just stop at the slew of memories that came back.

Picture frames of family photos were still in the same place as when she left. There was a line of them leading up the wall of the staircase, and she took her time looking at each of them as she made her way up. There were photos of family vacations, of past birthdays, of school portraits. In all the ones she found herself in, she couldn’t help but think of how different she was now.

When she got to the top step, the floor creaked, and she cringed because she’d forgotten that it did that. “Nick?” called her mom from her bedroom, and Mona completely froze. She realized, now that she was here, that she had no idea what she was even going to say. The thoughts didn’t keep her feet from moving though, and she found herself approaching the open door, the only room where there was light. As she got to the door frame, the floor creaked again. Inside, her mom was rifling through the drawers for something, presumably her socks. Mona’s heart twisted. Her mom liked wearing socks to bed. “Did you have fun? I hope you took lots of pictures because—”

Her mom froze as she turned around only to find that it was not Nick standing there, but just Mona. Her eyes widened, face frozen in shock, and Mona found herself shrugging sheepishly. “Hi, Mom.”

Her mom gasped, her hands going over her mouth as she approached her slowly. Nick was right; she didn’t look well. Her eyes appeared sunken in and Mona could see all the veins in her hands, which still trembled over her face. “Namona?” she asked, as if Mona wasn’t really there, like she was simply a figment of her imagination. Mona stepped into the bedroom, gulping away all her anxieties and holding back the tears that threatened to spill over. She nodded at her mom, who now rushed towards her, arms open and eyes filled with tears. “Oh, my Mona.” Her hands reached for Mona’s shoulders and trailed down her arms, as if she needed to make sure she was real and not a ghost. “You’re home! My Mona is home.”

She pulled Mona into a tight embrace, and Mona pressed her face into the curve of her neck, hugging her back just as close. Her mom seemed frail in her arms, and the realization had her clenching her eyes shut to keep her own tears at bay. “I’m home,” she murmured into the soft material of her mom’s cardigan.

For once, her heart wasn’t beating a million miles a minute. But it was calm. And it was home.

~

Mona’s mom had fallen asleep in her lap.

She had cried and cried until Mona had to beg her to stop. Her skin was sullen and dull, void of all color and life, and Mona led her to her bed to sit down. She gave her some water from the glass lying on her dresser, and her heart dropped at all the bottles of medication lined up behind it.

Mona apologized for everything, and her mom simply smiled, trailing her hands over Mona’s face and apologizing too. “You’re here with me now,” she had murmured, a spark returning in her eyes, “that is enough for now.”

Mona held her as she fell asleep, a smile on her face, and she couldn’t help but wonder how long her mom had been ill. As Mona trailed her hands over her hair and across the fine lines on her forehead, she wondered if this was all her fault.

Nick got back about an hour later. Mona listened as he bounded up the stairs. He was shocked at first when he looked into the room, but a huge smile then overtook his face. He made his way inside and sat at the edge of the bed, smoothing back their mom’s hair before meeting Mona’s eyes and sending her a smile. “Welcome home,” he whispered, and Mona smiled at him in return.

He helped her in moving their mom’s head from Mona’s lap and onto her own pillow, and Mona quietly followed him out. They made their way downstairs and to the kitchen, where Nick filled up a tiny pot with water and placed it on the stove. He retrieved two mugs from the cupboards overhead and placed a tea bag in each. Mona simply took a seat on one of the stools next to the island, scrubbing her hands over her face as she processed the day’s events.

“She’ll be fine,” Nick said, breaking the silence. When Mona looked at him, he was carding his fingers through his hair, leaning on the countertop. “Doctors say it’s just weakness and stress. But for a while it seemed as if it was more than that.” The water on the stove came to a boil and Mona watched as he poured some in each mug, preparing her tea just the way she liked it. She nodded in thanks as he passed the mug to her, eyes fixated on the steam that rose from the top. “But I knew it was just because she missed you. She started to talk about you an awful lot, and then she started to talk to herself.” When Mona glanced up at him, he was staring at his tea too. “Guess I was right, though. Because for the first time in a long time, she fell asleep with a smile on her face.”

Mona sighed. “I can’t stay. I’m sorry.”

He shrugged, sending her a soft smile. “You came tonight. I think that’s enough for now.”

She took a sip from her mug just to have something to do. “I’ll come back,” she murmured. “Don’t know when, but. I’ll try. And I’ll call more. I’ll...do my part again. Whatever she needs, I’m here.”

Nick reached over to place his hand over hers. “Thanks, Mobear.”

Just then, Mona’s phone started to buzz, and when she pulled it out of her pocket, she found Niall’s face smiling at her from the screen, his name flashing over top. She excused herself to go answer it, feet taking her in the direction of her old room. “Hello?” she said just as she opened the door, surprised to find that everything was exactly as she’d left it.

“Darlin’, hey.” He sounded sleepy, like he just woke up and found that she wasn’t next to him anymore. “Where are you?”

Concern was etched into his voice. She held her breath. “I, uh. I came back home. To see my mom.”

There was a stretch of silence for a moment. Then, she heard sheets rustling, and imagined him sitting up in his bed. “Yeah?”

She sighed. “Yeah.” She fell back onto her old bed, staring at the ceiling. A lone tear slipped from her eyes. She realized that Niall was the only person she was comfortable being vulnerable with. “She was very happy to see me.”

“Oh, darlin’,” he breathed, and she could hear the smile in his voice. “I’m so proud of you.”

Mona pressed her hand over her mouth so she wouldn’t cry, and instead took a deep breath. “Thanks, Ni.”

They stayed on the line, listening to each other breathe for a while. The silence was comfortable, and that, more than anything, felt like home. “You alright?” he asked after a long moment.

Mona turned her head over to where she knew her dresser was. On top of it was a photo of a much younger her on the back of her dad. They were at some amusement park, and she looked so happy. “Yeah,” she murmured into the phone, wiping away the moisture from her face. “I am.”

And for once, it was honest.