#sorry i have so much time now that im a graduate the grind don't stop hashtag WOMEN IN STEM

[waketoearth]

heesunjay vs my sketchbook..

[pesterloglog]

Jake English, Dirk Strider

Page 633-636

JAKE: Fuck!!!

JAKE: Why did she have to go and build a moon laser!!!

JAKE: Why did she have to go and

JAKE: And SAY all that!!!

DIRK: It's not over.

DIRK: That moon laser doesn't mean shit.

JAKE: ...if theres no one to press the button?

DIRK: Boom.

DIRK: Or, you know.

DIRK: No boom.

JAKE: Her guard is down...

DIRK: And you have a gun.

JAKE: I have TWO guns.

DIRK: Let's be real, this wouldn't even be the first time you've thought of it.

JAKE: Its... an option.

DIRK: Or.

DIRK: You help her win the battle.

DIRK: Avoid baptizing the Earth with laser-fire.

DIRK: And she uses The Point, and the world doesn't end.

DIRK: Probably.

DIRK: Who the fuck knows.

JAKE: What should i do?

DIRK: I'm not gonna tell you.

JAKE: I already know youll want me to do whats heroic.

JAKE: But you wouldnt want me to kill jane either.

JAKE: Would you?

DIRK: Stop staring at me like I'm gonna tongue-kiss the answer into you, dude.

DIRK: You know what you need to do.

JAKE: But jane was right about me!

JAKE: I cant be trusted.

JAKE: I dont even like 99% of people.

DIRK: Then do it for one person.

DIRK: Aren't you tired of spreading yourself thin trying to believe in everything?

DIRK: Because it's looking pretty fuckin' likely that the future where Tavvy is happy and the future where Jane is alive don't coincide.

DIRK: You have to kill one for the other to survive.

JAKE: It sounds like youre gunning for her.

DIRK: It sounds like *you're* gunning for her.

DIRK: Say what you will about Dirk, but he always wanted you to be your best self.

DIRK: He pushed you hoping if he did it hard enough, you'd push back.

DIRK: That's a far cry from whatever neutered domestic purgatory Jane's offering you.

DIRK: Wasn't it nice to be believed in, man?

JAKE: Ugh.

JAKE: Can i make an honest query?

JAKE: Did i really kill him?

DIRK: Hm.

JAKE: I did, didnt i?

DIRK: Common sense says no.

JAKE: Cant you swing that one by your esoteric telepathic dirk connection?

DIRK: That's a tricky fuckin' wicket, man.

JAKE: Its "sticky wicket".

DIRK: It's nothing, because that's a stupid fucking phrase cooked up by fake people about a fake sport from a dead planet.

DIRK: Anyway, it's tricky because there's not really all that much of anything left of the big man.

DIRK: Not here, anyway.

JAKE: Oh, baloney!

JAKE: Thats not how this works. Youre the supernatural tsaheylu of our combined "steezes".

JAKE: This isnt my first ride in the rodeo, mister, I KNOW THE RHYTHM OF THIS BUCKING BRONCO.

JAKE: HES STILL HERE, DAMMIT!

DIRK: I'm sorry.

DIRK: He's gone, dude.

JAKE: OH FUCK OFF.

JAKE: YOU CHARLATAN.

DIRK: Yeah.

JAKE: HORSES ASS.

DIRK: Get it all out, man.

JAKE: YOU MALEVOLENT MASCULINE MALFEASANT.

DIRK: I know a crisp glass of personal culpability isn't what you ordered, but hey.

DIRK: It's better than relapsing.

JAKE: Im drunk right now.

DIRK: And that sucks, buddy.

DIRK: But I'm talking about the big show of "everything's fine now" kitchen table red undie dirty dancing you did.

JAKE: Oh, i forgot about that.

DIRK: You fuckin' wish you did.

DIRK: It'd be the only reasonable excuse you'd have for nipping this uncomfortable epiphany in the bud so you could slink back to following orders from Dirk.

JAKE: ...

JAKE: Gods hooks, i backflipped right into my old ways!

DIRK: Don't beat yourself up about it. It's a running theme with literally everybody we know.

DIRK: You all get caught up in these feeling jams, hugging it out in self-realizational bliss.

DIRK: Then, bam.

DIRK: Premature ejaculation.

DIRK: That passionate growth grind ends before it builds to anything actually satisfying.

JAKE: :(

JAKE: Are you saying i need to be red undies jake again?

DIRK: Absolutely the fuck not.

DIRK: Hands off the belt, buddy. You've graduated.

DIRK: You're fully dressed Jake now.

DIRK: Sitting on the sticky floor of a custodial closet, hidden away from anything certain and good in this world.

DIRK: Alone.

JAKE: This is scary! I dont like this.

DIRK: Fuck yeah it is. This is sweaty, achey, burning transformation, brother.

JAKE: I want to go back! I want to be the other guy again.

DIRK: You can't be the other guy anymore, Jake.

DIRK: We're sending him upstate to live on a beautiful farm, where they're gonna immediately drag him out back and put him out of his fucking misery.

DIRK: Remember when you told Egbert you wanted someone to hold you accountable?

JAKE: No.

DIRK: Well.

JAKE: Nooooooo.

DIRK: "Here's Johnny!"

JAKE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

JAKE: Oh...

JAKE: *sniff*

JAKE: Oh, dirk...

JAKE: Cripes, if there really is no magical component to all of this,

JAKE: if youre really gone,

JAKE: then i am simply a forty year old man... being led by the nose... by an imaginary friend.

JAKE: That is not cute.

DIRK: It's kind of cute.

JAKE: No!

JAKE: Its mental illness!

DIRK: It can be both.

DIRK: Look.

DIRK: What you need to do is stop sobbing into your own fucking arms and make a decision.

DIRK: Spying for the rebellion, running away... these were steps in the right direction, but they also had, y'know.

JAKE: Plausible deniability.

DIRK: They were deflections.

DIRK: And at the end of the day, that's what choosing Jane would be, too.

JAKE: Its odd, but...

JAKE: Shucks, i dont want to cut her down right before she makes this big turnaround.

JAKE: If shed decided to keep her promise...

JAKE: thatd be bitter fucking berries to live with.

DIRK: But?

JAKE: But she probably wont change, will she?

DIRK: Why in the fuck would she?

DIRK: She'll have won.

JAKE: But... i dont think she was meant to be this way. Do you?

DIRK: Like, was she born to be a wildly racist dictatorial cake boss?

JAKE: Ok, when you put it that way it sounds a bit bonkers.

JAKE: What i mean is...

JAKE: Take me, for example.

JAKE: I know its not my fault janey got a bit rough and tumble with our relationship. That fundamentally, i didnt deserve it.

JAKE: But that doesnt exactly make me a mensch by default, does it?

JAKE: In fact i worry there might be more of me thats, well... inherently bad than not.

JAKE: And thats why everything tends to get so furiously fucked all the time!

JAKE: Everyone is waiting around for this better version of me to pop up, but thats never going to happen.

JAKE: Because if it did, it wouldn't be me anymore.

DIRK: So, are you trapped being Mr. Pissy Pantyloos Loser Man no matter what?

JAKE: Sort of.

JAKE: What do you think?

DIRK: I don't know.

DIRK: Maybe?

JAKE: Oh...

DIRK: Who even gives a fuck?

DIRK: This is some big philosophical philandering you're trying out, and we didn't even finish elementary school.

DIRK: The best we've got to work with is whatever you gleaned from "My Dinner with Andre" and "Blade Runner."

DIRK: And you fell asleep during "Andre."

JAKE: Point taken.

DIRK: Here's what we do know: when you face our friends tomorrow, they're gonna be none-the-wiser about the insane masturbatory matrix bullet time battles you've been having with yourself in your own head.

DIRK: What will be real to them is what you DID.

DIRK: That's it.

DIRK: Show them you're trying.

DIRK: Or don't, and get left behind.

JAKE: Good god...

JAKE: This is the worst pep talk... ever.

DIRK: It's you, dude, what did you expect?

JAKE: True.

DIRK: Do you want to be left behind?

JAKE: No!

JAKE: I want to see tavvy grow up!

JAKE: I want to choose him!

JAKE: But i want to believe in jane too...

DIRK: Sigh.

JAKE: Listen.

JAKE: I never really understood all that much of the "doomed timeline" hoopla you cerebral types tend to gab on about.

JAKE: But... its nice to think that there might be countless janes somewhere out there who never stopped being happy.

JAKE: Baking, getting up to all manner of lighthearted mischiefs... true blue all around.

JAKE: When i think of her, thats whats real to me.

JAKE: What she is now, what these rotten unenviable circumstances have made of her, its all just...

DIRK: Happenstance.

JAKE: Is that stupid?

DIRK: Probably, but you're a god of Hope.

DIRK: You're a poster-child for making stupid shit feasible.

DIRK: And no one has the power to say what's true for every Jane.

DIRK: I'm sure if you asked a couple of them how they feel about labor camps and domestic violences, they'd hit you with a "Woah there, buster jones."

JAKE: "Thats not for me!"

DIRK: "No siree!"

JAKE: Hehehe.

JAKE: Exactly.

JAKE: If i can believe in those janes,

JAKE: i think i can let this one go.

DIRK: Extravagant hoops to stumble through just to keep believing, man.

DIRK: It's sneaky. I like it.

JAKE: Its decided then?

DIRK: Seems so.

DIRK: You can finally leave the closet.

JAKE: Har, har.

JAKE: Goofs aside, old buddy...

JAKE: I get the strange sense i wont be speaking with you again.

DIRK: You won't. Why would you?

DIRK: You're normal now.

JAKE: But-

DIRK: You don't need him.

JAKE: It feels good to pretend, though.

JAKE: To hold on a little while longer.

DIRK: Don't.

JAKE: Fine! Fine...

JAKE: Hope is the crummiest aspect of the lot, huh.

JAKE: I swear the only time its worth a lick more than delusions and hot air

JAKE: is if it really fucking hurts.

DIRK: Welcome to being a person, Jake English.

[annakarenina]

are you currently working or in college? sorry for asking you this and you don't need to answer if you don't want to, ofc. but like, i'm 20 and i have no clue of what i should do, i'm so lost. not sure if i should do something i love (even if it's harder and it'll cost more money) or anything else just so i don't stay here, in this small town, doing nothing. i feel like at this point i should be doing something but i just don't know what, and right now i'm just existing instead of living, it feels like everyone else is living their best lifes and i'm here, slowly dying inside.

nah don't be sorry anon it's ok!! i'm currently working AKA i've graduated college and worked for like 2 years and now i'm taking a break because i didn't like my job

not sure if im the best person to give out advice but: i think u should do what u love bc if u dont then ull keep wondering abt it. if ure free to be free then do whatever u want (responsibly) and do what makes u happy!! someone once said if ure happy doing what ure doing then no one can tell u ure unsuccessful <3

miss rodrigo once said: "their win is not [your] loss" social media is an evil lie ppl only let u see what they want u to see. trust me i know things 👍🏼 just never ever compare urself to others. ik it's cliche but it's true 😁

i think u should also remember that u have all the time in the world!! in the words of billy joel: "slow down you're doing fine / u cant be everything u want to be before ur time / u got ur passion, u got ur pride / but dont you know that only fools are satisfied?"

and idk what living personally means to u (the grind dont stop? writing a full length novel within a week? flying out to bali every weekend? starting a family?) but u are already living your best life even if ure just doing the smallest of things: reading books for fun, listening to birds chirping, knowing the words to your favorite songs, going out for 15 minute walks, baking cookies and then forgetting about it so now they're burnt, watching the sunset, loving ur friends etc like it doesn't have to be all shiny things or social media worthy or outside validation←especially not this

also read this person's reply to my post i love it so much!! the tom holland part tho did u know he's tired of acting. he now wants to be a landlord or a carpenter or some shit jgkfdhsghj now uve learned a tom holland fact against ur will x

[theravencawsatmidnight]

Pink Chains

Pt 8. Ending

Kyotani owns a grunge /punk apparel shop after leaving the Sendai Frogs after a incident with the Black Jackals. He designs his own clothes and hires Oikawa & Iwaizumi as his employees. Everything goes smoothly for awhile, till you walk in; pink dress, big smile , and bubbly personality. His whole life stops in that moment. 

Nsfw. Virgin reader. Vanilla

Tags. @galagcica @haikyuu-but-low-iq @kozushiki @mocha-babes @kayisweird @lunebabie @zopzoop @derpeedoo

You were sitting on Kyos lap facing him holding his cheeks kissing him all over his face. Kyo had his hands on your rear trying his best not to tug at your panties and just kiss you . He was still thinking about what happened earlier , and you could tell. His kissing was getting sloppy .

You pulled away to sit on his fingers and lap giving him a shy pouty look. “Kyo…”

“Im sorry sweetie.. its just.”

You kissed him on the lips. “Just nothing. Wanna feel good… wanna feel good with Kyo..”

He sighed kissing you back giving you the ‘ok’. You could feel his fingers along your slit travelign up and down lightly in slow strokes. He chuckled at the little whimpers you made no matter how hard you tried to hide them from him.

“Can i have my hand back sweetie?”

“No..”

He smiled, kissing you again and again while his fingers worked on getting you wet for him. You leaned into him sighing lightly at the feeling, holding his sleeve, kissing it and rubbing against his fingers whining every time they slipped over your clit. Kyo kissed at your neck pulling you closer to him.

“Sweetie.. Lift up for a second”

You held him tight moving up so he could help you out of your panties and sit you on his lap again. You just had his old jersey on now but he quickly got rid of that too, tossing it with the other garments.

“K-kyo.”

“My pretty girl” he pulled you to him, slipping another hand under you again to slip a finger in you just to be stopped short. “Sweetie? Are you a virgin?”

“Yes i uhm..i still want to , just be gentle please..”

Kyotani did not know how to process this for a minute, every girl who threw themselves at him was always some slut. He's never been asked to take it slow before. “Okay sweetie, if at any point you wanna stop, tell me.” he kissed you and slipped another finger in you. The rings hit your flesh creating goosebumps.

You squeezed him tight getting used to the new feeling, eventually he got you to slowly grind against his fingers and helped you reach your first orgasm helping you through it. You pawed at his lap watching his erection get bigger each time.

“ i think.. Im ready”

“Your sure?” he asked , removing his fingers from you to see your juices dripping off of them. He bit his lip and before he could say anything you were taking his erection out and rubbing it.

“Swee!!..-”

You leaned into him giving him big eyes. “Im sure Kyo..”

He kissed you as he gripped your rear lifting you up. “Okay sweetie. Tell me if you want to stop okay?”

“I will Kyo..”

Kyotnai had nails dug into his sleeves while he lowered you down on him. He was hurting you , he stopped a couple times to ask if you were okay and you always nodded between shaking breaths assuring him you were fine and to keep going. It took him a few minutes to sit you back down on his lap. You cried when he broke through. Biting his shoulder drawing blood. He held your body close coaching you through it just like he did for the tattoo. It helped.. It really really helped.

It started out with you on his lap and ended with you on his bed and Kyo on top of you finishing on your stomach. He squeezed you panting hard trying not to put his weight on you too much. You giggled kissing his head and he laughed too. He never wanted to leave you, not ever.

Kyo helped you clean up and asked if he could get you anything to help make you more comfortable. You jokingly asked for a stuffed animal expecting him to not have one but he did in fact have one. A old wolf plush and a Sendai Frogs plush he pulled outta his closet. Kyotani helped you get dressed in his boxers and one of his shirts before putting you to bed. He kissed your head watching you drift off.

“Night sweetie”

“Night kyo..”

Kyotani left to get dressed and to throw your clothes in the wash. He sat on the dryer just listening to the washer for a minute. So much has happened over a few days for him. Multiple times he thought he was going to lose you , he still had no idea how you stayed with him. He was grateful to have you, grateful Yahaba made up with him, grateful his business was working and was hopeful for the future. He returned to you soon after the clothes finished to place them next to the bed, he got in behind you wrapping his arms around you trying to fall asleep. He was not looking forward to the morning,

*

You woke up first because of your alarm and the sound of excited dogs. Your body was sore but you did not mind too much. Kyo squeezed you in his sleep and you giggled kissing his arm all over.

“Kyooo…gotta get up..”

“Skip sweetie..” he nuzzled his face into your neck sighing heavy

“I gotta.. Draw my entry for the Gallery though, and what will i do if i skip?”

“Hang out at my job with me of course. “ he teased nipping your neck.

You sighed turning over and kissed his chest.

“What gallery?”

“My school is participating in this gallery at the local art building in town. My teacher asked if i would join in, im hoping.. I get picked up.”

“Picked up?” he asked you, moving your hair from your face.

“I want to graduate with a job already lined up, im hoping someone will like my designs enough to want to partner with me to sell them on clothes.” you nuzzled into his chest. “But im nervous too cuz.. Business people just see money”

“Where is this gallery again Sweetie?”

“Up the street from Mattsuns shop” you rubbed your eyes and Kyo got a grin on his face.

“Can i come?”

“Of course!” you hugged him tight and he kissed your head.

“Dress code?”

“I think so but.. I dont think its mandatory”

Ho ho ho…

Your phone buzzed again and you whined loud. “Kyoooo let em up…”

He just laid down on top of you . “five more minutes”

*

You played with the dogs for a bit petting each one and giving them kisses on the nose, you even shared your breakfast with them when Iwaizumi was not looking. Kyo had washed your clothes but you wanted to wear his, the pants were too long so you made them into shorts and picked out a random band tee you tied under your chest and found your shoes in the living room. God you were so cute in hi clothes what the fuck.

He couldn't stay long though. Kyotani was greeted with several texts and calls from Yahaba ordering him to get to his place immediately. He gave you a kiss and promised he would be at the show for you and left. Iwaizumi brought you to school and he left for work to see Oikawa had opened with no problems.

Kyotani made it too Yahabas house to be greeted by him in the door, arms folded and foot tapping. Kyotani rolled his eyes, noticing the extra car parked out front. Bokuto was already here. He walked into the house past Yahaba to see Bokuoto sitting at the table trying not to look at Kyotani. He sat down across from him and Yahaba met in the middle between them.

“So explain… what happened.” he said, rubbing the irritation in his face.

“Well., i was out getting somethings and i saw Mad Dog, and i just i dont know. Got upset, all i could think about what the Tourney and the accident.” Bokuto rubbed his eyes and ran hid hands through his hair. “I hit him first Yahaba”

“And you?” Yahaba looked over to Kyo.

“I hit him back” he took in a deep breath sitting back in the chair to rub his sleeve.

Yahaba rubbed between his eyes. “At least no one saw it…”

“y/n was with me”

“.....what?”

“Its true…” Bokuto added

“SO YOU JUST FOUGHT IN FRONT OF HER!”

“I almost punched her Yahab jesus christ, i still feel awful about it”

“She stayed with you?”

“Yes, she did, i dont know how but can we please fix this . i need to go to work and catch y/n’s art show”

“Is she okay Kyotani”

“She is now.” he looked away rubbIng his head. “I fucking hate myself.”

“Kyotani…” Bokuto said. “Im sorry, i let my emotions get the better of me and i should have more control than that. Akaashi gave me one hell of a lecture when i got home. I don't want to fight again.”

“I dont either”

Yahaba was still hung up on you putting yourself between these two and coming out without a scratch. Fuck you really were special.

“So can we agree to move on.” he finally asked them.

“Yes”

“Mhm”

“Good. shake hands and get out of my house.”

The two got up shaking hands and they both felt a wave of relief wash over them. Finally.

*

Back at the college everyone was eyeing your outfit but you did not give one fuck. Yuki and Kii paid you no mind and you spent most of the day in the art room with a towel of crumbled up sketches in a trash bag neck to you. Why was this so hard? You signed in to your arm looking at the empty canvas, lightly tracing over your red panda tattoo.

“Mmm……”You traced some more getting an idea. It was different, new, and stood out. Two opposites.

At The Dog House Kyotani had finally gotten there to see Oikawa running the front and Iwaizumi putting clothes out. He told them everything was fine now and about the gallery show you were in. both men were excited to go and Kyo even texted Mattsun about it.

“Are you gonna wear a suit for once ?” Kawa asked Kyo

“Uhm no, no im not.”

“Why not!!!”

“Because i want to stand out when i tell y/n i want her to partner with me at the shop”

Iwaizumi and Oikawa both got very big smiles and Kyo rolled his eyes, he couldn't help but smile too . he was so ready for tonight, to see your face and your reaction. He was going to tell you he loved you too.

*

It was time for the Gallery and you were already inside setting up your space. You had to change clothes and put on a black dress with boots. Kyotanis clothes neatly tucked away in your bag. You were so happy with the finished sketch you loved it so much, you hoped Kyo did too , you also hoped someone would want to buy it ..

People were starting to come in and you quickly set everything up when your teacher came over.

“y/n, its going to be lovely, this is such a fancy high established place i have no doubt someone will want to pick you up”

“Thank you.. Heh.. i hope soo….”

Things were going good. People loved your piece and you got compliments on it, not many people understood its meaning or how you came to the conclusion to draw these two things together but you loved it. No one made offers though, unfortunately. You just wanted to see Kyo .. where was he?

“You look ridiculous Kawa” Mattsun said.

“The invite said SUITS!” he yelled at them as he parked his car.

“It also said not mandatory” Iwaizumi said getting out with his friends

Kyo got out stretching giving all these fancy people a smirk as they passed, hands on their chest gasping at the sight of him and his friends.

Everyone had regular clothes on, Oikawa was in a suit.

Kyotani was in ripped jeans, black boots and his shops shirt.

Oikawa was in a fancy black suit.

Mattsun was in skater clothes showing off his many tattoos

Iwaizumi was in jeans and a punk rock shirt.

“Ready ?” he asked his friends as he cracked his knuckles.

Everyone said yes and Kyotani could not wait to get inside this fancy place.

You were sitting by your art staring at all the people, everyone had stopped coming over to ask about it. No one was interested. You wanted to leave but you were required to stay till the night was done. You sighed checking your phone when you heard a very loud gasp.

“Oh my god…”

“You must have the wrong place…”

“This place is not for you lot”

“Ouch, im just here to see my girlfriend”

You got the biggest smile jumping out of your seat. “Kyoooo!!!”

People looked back and you waved. Kyotani pushed his way through and Oikawa apologized awkwardly to everyone as him and his friends past through. Kyo picked you up hugging you tight kissing your chest and setting you back down.

“Hows my happy girl”

“Super good now!” you squeezed him and said hello to everyone.

Mattsun checked on his tattoo on you and Iwai and Kawa said hello.

“Sweetie anybody pick you up yet?”

“No.. i .. i dont think people like it”

“Where is it ?”

You took his hand taking him and his friends back over to your space. His heart thumped when he saw it. Holy fuck. It was a very large drawing of a wolf and a happy red panda. The wolf was standing and looking straight on and the red panda was between its front legs with its front paws up looking very happy.

You leaned on Kyo hugging his sleeve waiting for him to say something. Mattsun knew instantly you were inspired by his style, he even saw his name next to yours for credits/ inspiration. Oikawa was speechless for once in his life and Iwaizumi was watching his friend with a big smile. Good for you Mad Dog.

“Sweetie…. “

“Do you like it ? its … it us heh.”

“I fuckin love it”

“Really?!”

“Sweetie” he picked you up again and kissed your lips not caring who was staring. “ i love you y/n. I want you to partner with me in my shop. I want to spend my life with you.”

“KYO!!!” you wiggled in his grip till he put you down. You whined grabbing his face to kiss him all over. “ i love you too!! Yes yes!!!”

“And ill buy this art y/n” Mattsun told you.

You looked over and he smiled taking out his checkbook. “Thank you for putting my name on it, im touched.”

Everything was working out for you, nothing could be better.

The years went on, you agreed to move in with Kyo after you finished up school and used Mattsuns money to start up your designs with Kyo in his shop. He put your name on the brand making it yours as well. You made cute hoodies with ears and dresses along with cute animal bags. Kyotani still made his punk clothes and he still had his friends working with him. Mattsun had your art up in his shop and Bokuto visited regularly to ask how you were and so did Yahaba. Everything was perfect. Well. almost perfect.

Kyo was at his register going over inventory. It was after hours and no one was there but him and you. You skipped over sitting on the register giggling.

“Im almost done sweetie”

“It will only take a second!!!!”

He sighed looking up to see you holding a sketch book with three tiny garments on them, two looked to be boys clothes and the last one a girl.

“So you wanna sell kids clothes?” he asked, taking the book and standing up looking it over.

“Well … i was hoping we could use them for our kids”

“Sweetie we dont ha-........................................” he dropped the sketchbook looking at you,

You giggled, rubbing your stomach. “We do now!!!!”

*

Stick around for the sequel!!! 

Thank you for enjoying this story with me ❤️ i love this fic the very most it has a special place in my heart. Thank you for reading .

[morndas]

I feel like I send you random asks a lot when I'm feeling that yearning™ so sorry in advance lol

I'm in love with a memory of going to school, going to fencing tournaments, and drinking with friends and falling in love. I spent 4 years living in a place and now I'm 9 hours away back in my hometown in the south east and I don't hate it, but I feel trapped.

I've got a well paying job and it's easy money. I'm living close to family who can support me if I need it. I have a wonderful apartment and a friendly cat and a small collection of plants. I have a loving partner and who's amazing and means the world to me. But all of that feels... wrong? It feels empty? I should be grateful for all the fortune I've had and the privilege of having an easy life. But I feel so empty like this isn't my life.

I feel like I'm gonna wake up and be 19 again and be living out of a car and driving across the states. I never got to do that. I know it's shitty to want that, but I never got to have long drives with people I trust visiting outlandish places.

I feel like these past few months out of college have been me on autopilot. I'm just coasting. I took the easy life and, sure I can say I'm just building a nest egg, but I feel so alone. I feel so trapped. I feel stuck in a place I once called home but now I'm homesick for a different place. A different time. A different life.

Maybe I just need therapy but I predicted I might long for suicide not long after graduating college since life isn't changing much anymore for me. It'll get dull and I can look back and say yea that's good enough I'm done now. And I'm worried I'm living through my prediction. 6 More years and im a big 30 and those years will be gone soon so i dunno i don't know if i can expect much for those years beyond just sitting at a desk working for easy money for no purpose beyond just breathing and living. anyways im sleepy and ye thanks for reading as soon as i get that sweet sweet vaccine into my body ima drive up to Illinois and smooch all my friends ok goodnight

i think that post-college feeling is somewhat universal—lots of folks experience feelings quite similar to what you’re feeling, so you can rest assured that you aren’t alone in your ideations. you get a decent job (and some folks aren’t even lucky enough to get that, it took me two years out of school to find something that pays me enough to live) and start working that daily grind and everything begins to feel kind of routine and monotonous and you start to wonder if this is really how it’s gonna be for the rest of your life.

this is the part where i remind you that you have to stake your joy in the small, in-between moments—because attaining a permanent, static state of happiness is just not feasible, and we’ll always be craving something more. and, as someone who’s a few years older than you, can i just say? you have so much more time than you think. i’m 26 and 24 feels like eons ago. and life doesn’t stop at 30, holy shit. i used to think that way too but it’s honestly so poisonous to your brain 😖 life doesn’t stop at 40, either, or 50, or 60. you’re going to do so much with your time. you haven’t even met all of the people who will love you. don’t give up on those possibilities. just hang in there. 💚