#sorry i get very mad at dog misinformation

[jacqcrisis]

i apologize for all the posts about r/banpitbulls but i need to get my thoughts out there cause it is WILD and it’s hurting my brain how conspiratorial that subreddit is. I'll put it all under the readmore to not be annoying.

a) they believe the several breeds collectively under the bully breed moniker are actually all the same kind of dog, have no distinction whatsoever, and separating them into their established breeds (staffies, amstaffs, APBT’s, american bullies, bull terriers, dogo argentinos, etc etc etc) is trying to muddy the waters and is a tactic for the pitnutters to explains away the all knowing statistics

b) they believe in the 1 drop rule, where any dog with any amount of bully in them is basically a monster and needs to be drawn and quartered euthanized or at the very least sterilized, muzzled, and never allowed withing 30 feet of anyone not wearing plate mail.

c) they believe there is some kind of well funded pit-lobby who is paying off journalists for pro-pitbull thinkpieces to convince people to...idk, adopt more dogs? the goals and who is funding said lobby or even in it are never really discussed. it just exists and evilly wants you, yes you, to fork out 100 bucks to the local non-profit shelter for a pit-mix which makes money for... absolutely no one.  

d) they believe pitbulls are uniquely violent and every single dog who falls in that category is just waiting to eat a baby. 

e) never talk about any other dog violence and seem to believe every other mauling or significant bite is just mislabeled (as it should’ve been labelled a pit) or a freak accident (though this is obviously not extended to pitbulls whose bites are calculated, premeditated, and sadistic)

f) believe that pitbulls have a switch that can possibly happen at any time to make then tear your face off. Even though the vast majority of the dogs in that grouping will never have a significant problem (out approximately 18 million in the US, you have around 4k bites reported in a year and 30ish deaths in the same time), this doesn’t matter since that .001% could kill you while you were sleeping so every dog that even has a whiff of ‘pitbull’ is a severe risk and should not be trusted around anyone ever. Yes, including Peachy, the slightly overweight 10 year old dog at your local dog park who spends the whole time there waddling after her owner with a ball in her mouth. That one especially.

g) the fault lies entirely on the breed(s) and can never be fixed. pitbulls have no redeeming qualities whatsoever, anyone who says they do have been brainwashed by the shadowy pit-lobby, and all the dogs should either be euthanized or sterilized to extinction. the fact that these are the most abused groups of dogs means basically zero because they aren’t actually domesticated dogs, instead are all completely secretly feral (source: bro trust me) and should be placed in the same category as people keeping a lion as a pet.

h) don’t ever talk about the prey drive in all dogs or that most dogs will attack any small animal it can get its mouth on if not properly socialized and/or desensitized. if a pitbull kills a cat that wandered into its yard, it is because the pitbull is uniquely cruel and evil. no other breed is ever mentioned and are apparently perfect angels who would never hurt a fly and I guess my childhood aussie/border collie mix who we had to muzzle on walks because she wanted to murder every dog she locked eyes on was secretly a pitbull in disguise.

i) constantly tout the 65% of all dog related deaths vs being 6% of the population statistic. This statistic is taken from the amount of US incidents from 2005 to 2017, where pitbulls, over TWELVE YEARS caused 284 deaths. Any other year before or after this is not mentioned and it is always these twelve years and fails to consider recent estimates put bullys up to 20% of the US dog population.

j) they often call pitbull owners aggressive and cruel and stupid and brutish and sadistic and lacking in empathy ‘just like their dogs’ which is interesting becasue bully breeds are incredibly cheap and easy to get and are generally most commonly found in cities in poorer populations, most historically non-white neighborhoods. idk just kind of weird they seem so fucking mad at a dog breed stereotypically found in POC households (in the US) while also really REALLY comfortable with calling the dog’s owners aggressive and dumb... 

It’s just...staggering. I feel like a stumbled upon a rabbit hole, but the rabbits are all conspiracy theorists who look at dog mauling videos and photos all day and who all seem to not understand how dogs or animals even work. While also being a little bit racist and classist. 

Bully breeds don’t have ‘switch’; they are dogs with good and bad days and a lot of external factors go into dog attacks and a lot of bites can be lessened with proper care and attention given, like not leaving your children around ANY dog that outweighs them in pure muscle and getting your dog neutered/spade. A lot of the fatalities are a result of negligent owners, abused animals (of which pitbulls are the most likely group of dogs to be abused), and/or freak incidents, and even non-pitbull dogs kill small children and the elderly every year for the same reasons. Given the staggering amount of bullies in the US, if they were uniquely dangerous, then a LOT MORE violent incidents toward people would occur every year, but they don't, proven by how you have to lump over a decade's worth of numbers for the big "damning" golden statistic which...

The reason why the golden statistic is only from 2005-2017 is because in the years preceding that, Rottweilers made up a larger percentage of dog-related fatalities, sometimes even outpacing 'pitbulls' on some years as the ‘big bad dog’ changes with public opinion, dog breed popularity, and time. The reason you see so many pit-bull related attacks over similar incidents with other breeds in the news is because they garner the most attention as other non-pitbull dog-related deaths have occurred THIS YEAR but they get a quarter of the news articles as the outrage market isn’t as frothing at the mouth for a belgian malinois or a husky killing an infant as it is pitbulls. These dogs are not uniquely evil or violent; they are an animal with higher disposition towards prey drive and dog related aggression combined with a large strong body and determination that requires the same firm training and care as all dog breeds like them but that does not mean each one of them needs to be treated like Hannnibal Lector in sheep's clothing.

This isn’t a problem that would go away if all bully breeds disappeared tomorrow, as evidenced in some large cities with breed specific legislation where dog bites did not decrease significantly, or even increased after the bans. A different breed would take its place. A new dog would become enemy number one. People would still get attacked and harmed and tragedies would still happen.

But that’s the risk when dealing with animals. Dogs are domesticated, but they are still instinctual, non-human predators and they can always pose some form of danger no matter how you breed them. Instead of advocating for mass euthanasia or blanket bans, these people should instead be advocating for better training, better breeding, keeping dogs on leashes, getting dogs neutered, treating these dogs as the large powerful dogs they are, etc etc etc.

But thats too complicated and requires some form of empathy and care for the dog breeds in question. It's a lot easier to come up with a shadowy pit lobby and the mythological switch and label them all 'psychotic feral monsters just waiting to eat babies' and call poor minority people sadistic and cruel for keeping a cheap breed as a family pet/guard dog and watch dog mauling videos all day then it is to do a little more research and learn a single thing about how dogs work.

[ruby-whistler]

(quicksandblock) hi! I just left you a giant wall-of-text response on your Dream post, and though I think it came across well enough, I just want to state my lack of hostile intent over here as well lol. I know stuff like this that people feel strongly about can get very tense so I just wanted to make doubly certain you know I'm not trying to pick a fight or anything. it kind of sucks that I feel like I need to clarify that but that's fandom culture for you sometimes :P

also, I would love to talk to you about Dream characterization. I think I disagree with you on a lot of different points and I love his character, so I'm very interested in understanding your perspective!

hey, hello! found a c!dream enthusiast/enjoyer, that’s cool, hi! :]

[copied part i put in front of each reply, hence different capitalization]

Alright, so first as a quick disclaimer, I’m going to put a summary of the original post’s points, just to ensure that we’re on the same page;

The post does say:

- don’t dehumanize c!Dream because it continuously hurts people who relate to and/or sympathize with him, also dehumanization in general is an inherently wrong mindset

- don’t attack people who sympathize with him because he’s a victim of abuse besides other things

The post never says:

- you cannot hate c!Dream and not sympathizing with him is wrong

- the things c!Dream has done are to any degree excused

- don’t dehumanize c!Dream because he’s a good person

- people who dehumanize c!Dream are real life abuse apologists

If you read the post and didn’t get these points from it, i advise you to reread it as I made pretty much all of these abundantly clear.

[end of disclaimer]

i never said anyone could infringe on his human rights! i… literally never said that! i said “they ignore” when characters do it, but that was a run-on sentence, i get how that might’ve been easily misunderstood. but yes, he’s a fictional character, i’d never said people could actually hurt him or anything in that sense.

the thing is, i still find them saying they enjoy it… wrong? the people yelling in tommy’s chat for c!dream to hurt him more were freaking victim blaming pricks, and if what they did was the widespread fandom opinion it would be hurting actual people with trauma. i ask people to look at the c!dream situation with the same severity, because it’s actually happening and it’s highly disturbing, not just from principle, but because of what it leads to within the community.

sorry for comparing his situation to c!tommy, but narratively i believe the prison arc is a deliberate parallel to exile, and comparing his situation to someone they’ve not dehumanized seems to be the only way to knock sense into some people.

i am happy you don’t seem to be one of the people who dehumanize him. you’re not the target audience of this post - neither are abuse victims who project onto him. i know people who c!tommy reminds of their abuser (because of personality traits), or even c!quackity, that’s fine. they’re totally free to hate their respective character, of course, without being,, actually right about them. that being said, majority of this fandom is dehumanizing c!dream and being mad at people sympathizing with him “on behalf of the abuse victims”, not actual victims themselves, and by doing this they are unknowingly hurting other people rather than helping anything, and spreading misinformation as well as making a lot of fans in general uncomfortable. i believe this is something that needs to change in the community.

hating him is fine, but group-based dehumanization in my mind is not. if you go on twitter and search “c!dream” and see 100 people saying they wish the abuse victim you project onto is hurt more (this is not a twitter thing, c!dream tag is the same thing, a majority of the crit is untagged but it,, doesn’t really matter because even tagged hate riles up more people) that freaking sucks and is something that the community needs to work on, not shoved under the rug and pretend it wasn’t there because some people tag it.

“the abuse victims who are hurt by people saying they should be sympathetic towards Dream are in fact just as hurt as the abuse victims who relate to Dream and are hurt by people saying his evil.”

this is not wrong. it’s right actually, but i’m not talking about this fandom calling him evil/unable to be sympathized with/irredeemable. i mean, that’s hurtful dehumanization as well, but this community doesn’t “say he’s evil” it “says he deserves to keep being horribly abused and/or die”.

and… i wasn’t talking about/saying abuse victims should sympathize with him either? i’ve said like five times that people can hate him as much as they want, but dehumanization is another thing. it’s the majority of this community (this post wasn’t targeting abuse victims in the slightest) taking away his positive human qualities, hence believing he doesn’t deserve human rights, and turning him into some sort of punching bag or personification of evil, which i find deeply disturbing since he’s being related to by abuse victims, and also blatantly incorrect to the character.

so, you’d be right, if the situation was what you described. it… really isn’t. the dream smp fanbase isn’t populated by abuse victims in any corner. it’s two small groups, one of them hurt (undeservingly) by a few and the other one hurt (no more or less undeservingly) by a majority of the fandom without anyone batting an eye.

and this post isn’t even about abuse victims in the first place; it’s about dehumanization. while its impact plays a big role in why i wrote this, things like these being widespread in the fandom makes so many people uncomfortable or pressured not to sympathize with a recently made sympathetic character that they might (but could not) relate to. relating to him myself, i might not have a say in this, but my compassion in general made me switch over to the c!dream sympathetic people, not anyone in the community or projection.

the results i relayed here weren’t the only results of the survery. people mentioned pandora’s vault as their reasons for being dream apologists,, over and over and over again. a lot of them mentioned the fandom response specifically.

it’s making the fandom not only unsafe to a small group of traumatized people, but also fans in general, who are equally as important to feel comfortable. hell, the reason dream apologists are such a tight-knit community that accepts little to no outside feedback is because of the hatred that is endlessly nurtured outside, that makes people feel anxious or not safe just for sympathizing with a victim of abuse.

i myself find this a problem that people should attempt to change beyond using crit tags more. feel free to not agree with that, but a lot of affected people do.

i agree the disc finale was actually cathartic! well, that’s a lie, i used to hate c!dream’s guts before that but that was the very instance where i saw a person behind the mask and went “oh, this is a whole mess isn’t it”, but it was,, cathartic to a lot of other people that didn’t use to have intense empathy to inanimate objects as children djskdjsk (i was a weird kid and still am, don’t mind that)

do you know what is cathartic? when a dog terribly bites a child, gets kicked away and gets put in a cage. do you know what isn’t cathartic? …that dog getting repeatedly beaten, starved and abused while trapped in said cage. even in fiction, and i say that as someone who was terribly bitten by a dog.

i don’t mind fictional characters suffering - frick, angst is my jam, i’ll write a character dying over and over again and have fun, but people justify that or make fun of people who don’t by saying openly that they enjoy it,, because he’s done bad things.

here comes the double standard. the exile arc wasn’t cathartic just because tommy burnt down a house, because hell, that wasn’t fair retribution. same goes for dream.

there is a difference between enjoying dark media (something i do frequently and is something i like doing) and open dehumanization and often normalized harassment of people who don’t do the same or condemn that. that is something that in my mind shouldn’t be a mainstream thing in the community.

to be fair, people saying an abuse victim no longer being hurt is “bad writing” or “insensitive” as i’ve seen people say would probably piss me off, but i’m,, not going to harass them. maybe a passive-aggressive vague-post if enough big accounts do it, but i think that’s justified. feel free to disagree - i still respect abuse victims who wouldn’t like that, but people who just don’t want the writers to humanize a character they’ve dehumanized will probably grind my gears.

this community,, isn’t working like this. i wrote this because people are repeatedly being hurt by the community or feel bad in it because of widespread opinions and dehumanization of a character that is as of late written to be sympathetic to the audience. that’s not a disagreement, the people who are actually sympathetic are a minority in the fandom, which would be fine with me, if they weren’t constantly invalidated, triggered and harassed as a direct result of the dehumanization discussed in this post.

besides the fact that the principle of dehumanization applied to c!dream is wrong - and if people find themselves doing that, it’s good for them to find a way to realize that, such as this post, because projection =/= dehumanization, and this post is targeting one, not the other - this is why i wrote this post. i still believe my points are valid and important for this fandom to consider.

you know, we could talk about the characterization right now - but after this i’m going onto a two month long hiatus for the sole purpose of studying the character. i’m not joking, this is what i’m dedicating my summer to. since i’m also closing my asks because of this, i can write this down and @ you when i’m done? :D i’d love to talk about him but i’m going to have so much more evidence after this, so maybe we can put this off for a while if you don’t mind! of course feel free to continue the dehumanization debate in a string of reblogs since it’s pretty much a different debate entirely.

( @zrenia @caketexturepack just tagging some people who responded to your response and might be interested in the continuation of the debate - also curious anon i saw your two asks i was just busy djsjdks please don’t spam about people who replied to me, i have a bad memory but i write this stuff down, actually )

[augustheart]

wow! today is apparently easter! what a great opportunity to reiterate that jasper is almost definitely an easter rabbit who was dumped. he was rescued by a friend of ours in june of 2014 after he found him in his yard being attacked by his neighbor’s cat. he was just a baby, but he was old enough to look like just a small adult rabbit. there’s always a chance he escaped, but missing posters were never put up in that neighborhood and it being june means it’s more likely he was dumped. 

he is one of the sweetest rabbits i’ve ever met. he loves to sit and groom me in exchange for petting and cuddling and he will come running to people--even strangers--for affection in a way few other rabbits will. he’s genuinely the perfect rabbit. the idea of someone dumping him makes my heart hurt, especially since we have a fantastic local humane society (which is where we got cisco a year or so later). rabbits aren’t toys. they’re unique little animals with big personalities who make fantastic pets, but they aren’t something you can give as something to play with for a few months and then be discarded. 

and yes, that applies for all animals, but rabbits are just exotic enough, despite being domesticated for hundreds of years, for there to be a lot of misinformation surrounding them. people will rightfully get mad if you treat a dog or a cat like a toy. rabbits typically aren’t held to the same care standards. especially around easter. 

i love you very much, jasper. i’m sorry someone else didn’t. 

[eyeslikefoxglove]

Episode 12 - Blanket and kittens for Lan WangJi & Foxglove really wants a fake relationship AU fic

Hello hello! I am having a lazy Sunday so you get more than one episode! Tomorrow I start running again after months of inactivity, so pray for me. And I’ve also been conscripted into gardening now that the weather is good.

I don’t know if I should admit this or not, but I’m sure I’m making pretty much the same faces as the Peacock during WC’s speech.

LWJ bb he’s both boiling with anger and so fucking defeated and I want to give him hot tea and a blanket and lend him my shaky cat (he’s got cerebellar ataxia) because he’s the cuddliest of the four. Speaking of LWJ and cats I’m pretty sure even my scaredy big boi would like him, he’s so chill.

Me *clears throat*: MIANMIAN IS LANLING JIN’S SINGLE BRAINCELL.

As much as I love my wife’s quick thinking this is when WC decided to be a creep to her and I can’t fully enjoy this bit.

How many times has WWX turned to look at LWJ? I should’ve counted them.

This scenes are triggering my “issues with authority” even more than Cloud Recesses did, nothing makes ya girl don’t do something like someone telling me to do it.

(But listen, the other week, travelling home a very nice pleasant policeman was asking everyone the routine question “why are you travelling [to this place]” which he needs to ask bc of this damn plague I guess, and I had to bite my tongue hard bc my automatic response was “none of your business”. One day I’m going to get fined/arrested because I can’t keep my mouth shut y’all)

WWX: *gremlin mode activated*

LWJ: *literal sigh of relief*

Nooooo don’t make best boi WN sad.

It’s the comb y’all. The comb!

I think WC missed the memo they passed around about never trying to publicly humiliate WWX.

WWX: *gremlin mode activated* this one is for the bae.

[Look at me frothing at the mouth bc none of these dumb kids put their hair up or tied back their sleeves while working with fertiliser. City boys, honestly]

The Peacock is thirdwheeling WangXian and wondering if complying with WC’s bullshit should not have been better. Honestly he’s suffering.

Peacock: WWX is trying to flirt and LWJ is clearly mad at him and why am I here. I want MianMian (in a totally siblings way tho, XuanLi ftw).

Ooofff blanket and kittens for LWJ.

WC: what are you two whispering about.

WWX: that I want him to bend me over a tree and fuck me.

WC: ... what?

WWX: what?

LWJ: *Already dragging WWX away* Mark your words.

(I’m sorry for this stupid dialogues I keep “fixing” I think I’m funny and I have to share it with the world)

Although the actual sick burn in the show is also a work of art tbh.

You pissed off LWJ my dude.

WC: I assume you’re asking him about the Yin Iron.

WWX: actually I was asking for a quickie, but go off I guess.

Uuigngughdhf, now that I’m rewatching more carefully to write the commentary I can almost pinpoint all the times some sort of silly AU fake/pretend relationship fic could’ve been born. And it hurts my soul because that’s one of my favourite tropes. Especially when the two poor souls involved just have to ham it up continuously to get away with whatever they’re trying to pull off.

“Are you trying to topple the current corrupt offical?”

“What? No! He just wants a bj”

Wtf is LWJ’s outer robe LACE!? WHO THE FUCK BRINGS LACE TO A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

Is it only me or does it look like they already roughed WWX up a bit before throwing him in the dungeons?

It’s ChengQing!!!

I believe WQ was very much into girls but I’m giving the show props for making me ship these two. Do I hc everyone who doesn’t explicitly state their sexuality as bi or pan? I absolutely do.

I’m getting sniffly bc it’s best boy WN and human sunshine WWX being soft with each other and I can’t. Also, typical WWX, he’s being mauled by a dog and the instant he sees WN he goes “but are u and big sis ok. Do u need a hand.” Never change cupcake.

Waaaaait a minute. WN is saying LWJ got his leg broken because they couldn’t get his fragment of the Yin Iron, but you clearly see him dropping it when the leg breaking happens. So is it a fake one? Or are the Wens spreading misinformation? I’m sorry if it is obvious and I missed it, Sunday brain.

NHS’s face what he realises what he’s said. Aw my poor bb. (Blanket and kittens for LWJ as always)

This might be petty and stupid, but the guards clearly didn’t do anything when NHS moved out of his row, or when WWX started eating, so I’d just plant my ass on the ground the second WC turned his back and start playing hand-slapping games with whomever wanted to join. Passive insubordination if you will (maybe there is a cultural thing in them staying upright all this time, a show of defiance or something). So yeah, you want me up and in formation? I’m gonna do the exact opposite my friend.

Also, getting war med school flashbacks because if staying on your feet for hours unable to move and with nothing happening isn’t what happened in my surgery classes I don’t know what is.

LWJ has absolutely reached the “Try Me Bitch” level and with that glare he’s wearing I can believe no guard is trying to make him read. Listen I love angry and defiant LWJ and I will be pointing out as many moments as I can spot.

Jesuschrist let me scream about LWJ’s broken leg a little more. I don’t know what’s like to walk on a broken bone (again, don’t do it) but I know what’s like to have abdominal pain so severe (hi endo how are you) that you can only crawl so every time I see him struggling I remember my own thing.

Look at him, he needs to take deep breaths to even talk my bb.

WWX is such a good boy my god.

That’s all for this chapter so thanks for reading!

[zrtranscripts]

Season 6, Mission 5: Your Woman

An uphill struggle

JODY MARSH: Okay, guys. The situation is, we can't access the transmitter at Worthington-on-Sea anymore because Raoul tried to sell you out the Sigrid. So I have a plan. 

We need to build our own transmitter so we can keep in touch with the Laundry and coordinate to find those babies. I've got some plans from Janine's emergency rebuild of civilization notes. Just think how proud Janine will be when she comes back and sees we got a transmitter while she was away!

TOM DE LUCA: She'll be proud of you whatever you do, darling.

JODY MARSH: Maybe. But remember, you can't call me darling. I'm Janine today because the only people near us who deal in the power converters we need and aren't loyal to Sigrid are the Eight of Hearts. They're an underground paramilitary faction.

TOM DE LUCA: Security-conscious.

JODY MARSH: So security-conscious, they will only deal with Janine. But they've never met her in person. It's all been via comms. And so... [imitates JANINE DE LUCA] Mr. De Luca, Runner Five, let's see if I can't give them Janine.

TOM DE LUCA: Wow! That's spot on!

JODY MARSH: It needs to be! If they discover I'm not Janine... I mean, they've got a reputation for blinding their enemies and sending them wandering through zom territory, which I don't think I'd enjoy. So I suggest we pick up the pace. Tardiness would be a dead giveaway. Run!

SAM YAO: Jodes, how is life living La Vie De Luca?

JODY MARSH: Mr. Yao, interim mission report: status acceptable.

SAM YAO: [laughs] That's massively weird. But it's kind of nice to hear her voice. Also - [imitates fanfare] to help you out, I've taken the small liberty of compiling a Janine Encyclopedia. A Janine-opedia, if you will. 

Ask me anything. Uh, Janine's favorite color? [hums, turns page] Gray. Uh, Janine's childhood nickname? Haha! Trick question. It was Janine. Uh, Janine's favorite brand of underwear? Close your ears, Tom. [turns page] Oh! It's M&S full briefs. I was hoping for a tantalizing surprise.

TOM DE LUCA: But didn't you compile this yourself?

SAM YAO: I'm trying to add thrilling tension.

JODY MARSH: [laughs] Sam, thank you for this, but no one's going to ask me Janine's favorite type of underwear, especially someone who already knows what it is.

SAM YAO: Well, something else then.

TOM DE LUCA: Okay... what type of hairpin does Janine favor?

JODY MARSH: There's a type? I pinned my hair up like hers. I used ASDA basics.

TOM DE LUCA: She's very brand loyal. And that brand is - [?] - 

SAM YAO: [?] Essentials, extra long. Thought you would have got that one right, Tom, old boy.

TOM DE LUCA: [laughs] Mate, you didn't fall for that? She's given you misinformation on purpose.

SAM YAO: She'd give misinformation about hair grips?

JODY MARSH: She totally would. And mine are wrong, either way. Oh God! Oh, we're off schedule again! Come on, everyone, faster! Janine would never stand for this!

JODY MARSH: Ah, there's the Eight of Hearts crew waiting for us. Look at those uniforms. Very paramilitary.

TOM DE LUCA: Bloody sloppy! That one has their hair loose, and the one on the left has dog tags on the outside! Also, is their base, um -

JODY MARSH: Yeah. An old leisure center. They've even got one of those water chutes that goes all around the building.

SAM YAO: Ooh, I love those! Maybe we can come back later and have a go.

TOM DE LUCA: You'd have to be careful. There's a massive hole halfway up it.

JODY MARSH: [clears throat] Hello. Eight of Hearts, I'm, uh... Janine. De Luca. Colonel.

EIGHT OF HEARTS: An honor.

JODY MARSH: This is Runner Five, and my brother, Tom De Luca.

EIGHT OF HEARTS: Delighted. When did we last speak?

JODY MARSH: 12th, September. I gave you advice about placement for solar panels.

EIGHT OF HEARTS: Yes. And remind me again, the time before that?

JODY MARSH: [clears throat] Uh...

SAM YAO: No, I've got this. [turns page] 9th of Jan, code-breaking.

JODY MARSH: 9th, January. Code-breaking.

EIGHT OF HEARTS: Indeed.

SAM YAO: See? And thanks, Janine, for your exhaustive – [laughs] one might even say anal – record keeping.

EIGHT OF HEARTS: Now, a quick tour of the facility. Military pace. Come along. We have another trade deal arranged with Scorpion Fang, and you know what she's like about waiting around, so we do need to get on.

EIGHT OF HEARTS: This is the swimming pool. You see the water chute here? It contains a simple identity test. An obstacle course. We do need to be absolutely certain it's really you, Colonel De Luca.

You and your companions will climb up the chute, vanquish the trials, and we will meet you at the top with the parts you’ve required. There is nothing in there that would prove a problem for Colonel De Luca.

JODY MARSH: Right!

EIGHT OF HEARTS: Colonel...

JODY MARSH: Yeah. Fine. Five, Mr. De Luca, follow me. Single file. It's a scramble. Easier if you keep the pace up. Let's get this done. Move.

JODY MARSH: Hold the rear, Five. Oh no, what's this? Grab onto me, Five! What's going on?

TOM DE LUCA: They put soap on the floor.

JODY MARSH: All right. Everyone keep your eyes down. It's just in patches. Keep going.

JODY MARSH: This water slide must go around the building three times. Wait. Look out, incoming!

[debris clatters]

TOM DE LUCA: Eight of Hearts are throwing chunks of concrete and other debris down the chute.

JODY MARSH: Behind me. Hug the wall. I see what they're doing. This one's easy. Five, catch that board coming down. Nice job! Now use it to divert the rocks through that hole in the chute so they don't block the route back. 

[debris clatters] Yes! That worked great. Let's move. We're almost at the top. [zombie groans] Ah! A zom coming down the chute, right on top of us!

TOM DE LUCA: It's on me! It's got me!

JODY MARSH: Hold me steady, Five. I'm going to take out this hostile at close quarters.

TOM DE LUCA: You don't have a weapon! Leave me!

JODY MARSH: Oh, I do! I think I've worked out why Janine always wears hairpins. [zombie growls] That pin in the eye got its attention. Now, if I apply my boot – dodge now, Five! [zombie falls] Sweetie, are you okay?

TOM DE LUCA: Yeah, I'm – that was - ! Are you sure Janine's not possessed you?

JODY MARSH: I don't even know anymore, Tom. Look, though. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Come on. We need to keep climbing.

EIGHT OF HEARTS: Welcome back, Colonel De Luca, and well done. It can only be you. I confess it's a surprise. I never thought you'd walk right in here, De Luca, with that rich price on your head.

JODY MARSH: Price? On my head?

EIGHT OF HEARTS: Oh, yes. The Minister's offering quite the purse for the capture of Janine De Luca.

JODY MARSH: Uh... well, you won't be getting it, will you? Because in fact, I'm not Janine De Luca. I'm Jody Marsh.

EIGHT OF HEARTS: That ridiculous accent won't fool us now, Colonel. You've proved your identity very well.

JODY MARSH: I'm not her! I'm really not! I'm dating Janine's brother. Look! [grabs TOM DE LUCA]

TOM DE LUCA: Whoa!

JODY MARSH: [kisses TOM DE LUCA] See? Janine would hardly make out with her own brother.

JANINE DE LUCA: I do not believe there's any limit to what you would do, Colonel.

JODY MARSH: But I'm really not her! I wish I – I've tried to lead like her. Everyone wants me to be her. And I can't – I can't! I – [imitates JANINE DE LUCA] However, Mr. De Luca, Runner Five, I have a plan. Prepare yourselves.

[smoke grenade clatters, pours smoke, EIGHT OF HEARTS coughs]

TOM DE LUCA: Wow. That was a fast plan.

PETER LYNNE: Janine! I'm here to rescue you!

SAM YAO: Who's that? I can't see through the smoke from that grenade.

JODY MARSH: Who cares? I didn't have a plan anyway. I was bluffing for time. Come on, Five, Tom. We've walked up that slide. We can go down it now and escape. Run!

JODY MARSH: Mr. Yao, we're at the perimeter of the car park. Report!

SAM YAO: Oh my God, that was intense. Um, uh, right. Eight of Hearts seem not to be following you. Maybe your formidable reputation has scared them off. You did a very convincing Janine.

JODY MARSH: Yeah, but Janine would have completed the mission. We didn't even get the power converter.

TOM DE LUCA: Actually, we did. I took the liberty of snagging one when they were showing us around.

JODY MARSH: [laughs] Did you know they were going to double-cross us?

TOM DE LUCA: Never trust a soldier with their dog tags on the outside.

SAM YAO: All right, the coast is clear. Yeah, no, wait. There's a man approaching from your three o'clock. Watch out. Could be Eight of Hearts.

PETER LYNNE: Stop! Janine, stop! It's me, Peter.

JODY MARSH: Oh God.

PETER LYNNE: Jody? Where's Janine? I heard Eight of Hearts on the radio to Sigrid's people saying they'd captured her. I got here as fast as I could.

JODY MARSH: Peter, it was me. I was just pretending, to trade for some power converters.

TOM DE LUCA: She's not here, mate. Really.

JODY MARSH: Yeah. I'm sorry, Peter. It was just me. [imitates JANINE DE LUCA] But I'm grateful your help, Mr. Lynne.

PETER LYNNE: Oh God, that's creepy. [sighs] If I'd thought about it, I'd have known it was mad. Why would Janine allow herself to be captured? Why by Eight of Hearts? What was I thinking? I'm such an idiot.

JODY MARSH: You miss her. We all do.

SAM YAO: Where do you think she is? Like, in your wildest dreams, what's your Janine headcanon?

JODY MARSH: I reckon she's left the country. I think she's in like, Paraguay, fighting zombies in the jungle with knives made of really sharp leaves and learning ancient fighting skills from amazing warriors!

TOM DE LUCA: That's a good one. I think maybe she's working on some tech operation. She always was a dab hand with a soldering iron. I think she's literally underground, rigging up a weapon against Sigrid.

SAM YAO: [laughs] Yeah, I think she's, uh... no, wait, yours are better than the ones I've come up with. No, no, okay, just a sec. I think she's gone Ghost Protocol. She's like, still around, but in a bunch of different disguises, helping us, and giving us secret advice. 

[sighs] I sort of feel she's kind of that already. Because with all the manuals she's left, and all the systems, nothing's fallen apart. Everything runs like clockwork, it's just that... she's not here. And I miss her.

PETER LYNNE: Yes. I don't have a headcanon. Well, just one. It's the one where she's waiting for us when we get back. I think about that one every day.