#sorry for venting ahhh
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doctorsiren · 1 year ago
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New video tomorrow on my channel! I had an idea yesterday for a short animation, and I finished the sketch layer and decided that I’m gonna post that and then also post the finished version once I do finish it
This is to give me more content but also to help me remember that it’s okay if not everything I post is polished/finished/cleaned (I’m stuck in a really bad mindset when it comes to posting on my YouTube channel and I put a lot of pressure on myself to have clean and polished work, and so I’m trying to feel okay about my videos on there again)
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l3viat8an · 1 year ago
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Hiiiii!! Did y’all miss me? Jkjk- but I wanted to say sorry for ghosting!! basically I found out my now ex bf was cheating on me and I spent most of the week crying- over a real guy?? like gross 🙄 I should know better- and trying to get him completely out of my life after three years that’s a lot oh shit 💀 didn’t and really don’t have the motivation to do much of anything yet- but I’m back!!
‘n uhhh yea!- That’s the shitty explanation of why I kinda disappeared 💀 Like I said I still don’t have much motivation but I didn’t wanna abandoned y’all 😭
I don’t really want like comforting or anything!! honestly I don’t even wanna think about him at all rn :) which is kinda why I came back lmao I need fun distractions ‘n missed y’all and talking about hot demons jsjsjsj
‘n asks!! Ahh there’s so many- I’ll look at the chitchat ones and answer them!!
Other asks / writing ideas are just gonna sit tho. I just don’t feel like doing too much yet-
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traaumaa · 6 months ago
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sometimes i think i'll never really be happy, i could achieve and get everything i ever wanted in life but at the end of the day i still wouldn't want to get up in the morning, i would still feel numb towards it all
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dandyshucks · 28 days ago
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man I can't even be mean to myself w the idea of Guz anymore djfkdl its been so cemented in my brain that he loves me that i tried to be angry-mean at myself during a breakdown a little while ago and tried to tell myself that he'd be disgusted w me and hate me but i honestly didnt believe that at all and it felt silly to even say it to myself 😭😭 all i could see in my mind's eye was him being worried and trying to help, i couldn't even conjure up the idea of him hating me or being angry w me 😭😭 and now i feel a little silly like maybe im crazy for being so convinced that he'd love me but aaaaaauugghh okay im not gonna go into some sort of stupid morality spiral over that omfg its literally fine. I am not a bad person for thinking fictional character would love me. even if its not Normal™ i dont think it's actually hurting anyone or immoral. its fine its fine its fine lol
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bunrotten · 2 months ago
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am i dirty am i dirty does god still love me even if i dont think he's real please tell me he does please please
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izufeels · 2 months ago
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its so insane that my anxiety makes me stay home rather than hanging out with my friends, and then my FOMO makes me sad when i see them hanging out with each other
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faunabel · 3 months ago
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aghhhh..... already regressing to a childlike state of mind from stress and i cant even get away from my parents. of which i obviously feel unsafe around in a childlike state of mind.
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timidewe · 8 months ago
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THIS IS BAD
THIS IS SO BAD
gahhh
i legit cannot tell if i am in fact falling in love
or my brain is acting up again
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peppermintmochafem · 6 months ago
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.
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loveydoveylex · 1 year ago
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canon x canon ships with ray in general do make me uncomfortable, but I can usually just scroll past, ignore the post and call it a day... there is one particular pairing that my brain has decided it does absolutely NOT want to see though, and of course it's one with no ship name/tag to block.
I might have to just block the other character's name entirely to avoid seeing it... which sucks, because I don't even dislike the character themselves or anything, but this is just upsetting for me to have to see. I wish it was easier! I feel like I'm probably too sensitive. (╥﹏╥)
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phagodyke · 4 months ago
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well.
#concert was rly rly fucking good lets focus on that. dont want to ruin my memory of it#and the rest doesnt matter. ill break down tomorrow when everyones gone i cant do it right now its too late and we have a guest#just so tired. doesnt even matter its just me. and i have to be myself the rest of my life. im never getting out of this labyrinth#well at least if no one else has my back the national always will.. the right kind of concert to be at while dealing w my stupid shit#and i can listen to their music on loop forever and ever ill be fine#give me a couple days and ill have repressed it into oblivion again and i can go back to living my sham life where everythings okay#until i get reminded again and it unspools. and then ill just scoop it back up and zip it back inside. over and over yippee#but it doesnt matter as long as everyone else is happy and they can pretend i am too so they dont have to care#im being stupid and melodramatic dont even worry abt it my brain is just so fucking broken and im incapable of human connection its cool#at least i wont hurt anyone else just keeping it all in here it doesnt matter!!!!!! well it does to me. but i dont count so its okay#at least yeah concert was rly rly banging i hope they play here again some time in the future and im still around for it#and ill get to remember how good it was every time i listen to them :-) which is basically every day woooo#god. im gojng to go to sleep before i fall apart and start ugly crying#at least tomorrow off too n climbinggg. so much easier hanging out with strangers bc it doesnt matter if they dont want me there#nothing to lose and they cant hurt me bc i can only get hurt by ppl i care abt and i dont know them that well so its all cool#and im good at climbing n need to burn it out of my system. i can get by microdosing social connection for thr rest of my life i guess#feel so so so ashamed for even feeling like this its such a prison in my head i hate it i hate it its fine ok stopping for real goodnight.#sorry for ventposting i cant go hurt myself instead bc ppl over. so here we are again ahh..#ah ahhh yeah anyway goodnight#.vent
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crisispider · 8 months ago
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Tonight is the last Friday my kids will ever spend in their home, and I just I know I am doing what needs to be done but like… I feel like I failed them. They have to leave the only place they have ever known because I fucked up.. and I just it sucks.
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adventures-written · 2 years ago
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;; Three things out and I can’t think anymore. Sorry guys...I’ve just been staring at a text box for a few minutes now and blanking out. I will try and be around tomorrow, but I’m not sure when I’ll be around....
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strange-doll-child · 2 years ago
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Mngghfdihf- Heeeellllppppp
This is probably really fucking stupid but I lost something that very much is able to keep me calm and I also am just very comfortable with the texture of it because of the fact I’ve had it for a looong time- Been 2 weeks, i can’t find it, thought maybe it’d be at my Grandparents houses but still not there and I’m PANICKING
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fireflyinks · 3 months ago
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we need more soft hamzah!!!!!!!!!!
soft!hamzah headcannons
a/n : okay so by “soft!hamzah” i mean that he is absolutely down bad for you, is literally so sweet and just has a soft spot for you in general! tysm for requesting, love you guys sm 🫀 also i am currently writing this at 2:00 am so if there are any errors I AM SORRY my sleep schedule is so beyond repair, much love
contains : fluff, no smut, me being down bad
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- okay so soft!hamzah is so AHSHBDKENDHDBS i like im actually so down bad
- i’m imagining him literally screaming at martin over some game and then the moment you say a word to him he is suddenly so sweet
- “martin, hold on, yes sweetheart?”
- he literally melts the moment you touch him
- do NOT cuddle this man unless you’re okay with him being on top of you and basically suffocating you
- sitting in his lap while he edits / plays games (thinking about my last fic 🫠)
- he loves to run his fingers through your hair and play with it absentmindedly. he also learned to braid just so he could do it when he gets bored
- imagine him watching a ten minute braiding tutorial and being LAZER FOCUSED LMAO
- NICKNAMES AHHH, like i said earlier probably sweetheart, love, baby, babe, princess, and anything else he can come up with or he knows you like
- he’s not big on pda in public just because that’s not the type of person he is, but if you’re feeling overwhelmed or shy, you cling onto his arm for dear life
- he loves baking with you and making a mess. by the time the food’s done you are both covered in ingredients
- he loves making tiktoks with you (yall definitely lip-synced promiscuous) AND the “intertwined, sewn together” trend with the bracelets 🤭
- SPEAKING OF BRACELETS if you make this man a bracelet he will wear it forever. i mean FOREVER. that thing is crusting on his wrist till the end of time.
- this goes for anything you make for him / give him, and he takes care of it like it’s his most prized possession (because it’s lowkey is). like yes he has the succulent you randomly bought him on his desk, and YES he researched how often he should water it and how much sunlight it needs. that thing is his baby.
- hamzah literally folds when you play with his curls, to the point that it’s part of you nightly routine. shower, pajamas, skin care, run your fingers through hamzah’s hair until he falls asleep
- invites you on the podcast all the time!!! if you’re shy he’ll make sure you’re comfortable and help you make conversation 😋
- PRINCESS TREATMENT, he will literally kneel down in front of you to tie your shoes the moment he notices they’re untied. at this point he notices faster than you do
- “hold on, i wouldn’t want my princess to trip”
- he’s the best person to vent to, imagine sitting on his lap and him wiping your tears while you tell him about your bad day :( he is ENGAGED too, like if you complain about your coworker they are suddenly dead to him
- i love soft!hamzah sm :(((
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kentoxo · 20 days ago
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friction | reader (f) x crush!nanami pt.5
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pairing: reader (f) x crush!nanami
synopsis: [AU] you have always had a crush on nanami. since the day you were hired as his personal assistant, you've been right at his side combating numbers and making money within the finance department for the company you two worked for. but, things take a turn when nanami catches wind of your feelings, and rejects you. little did he know the weight of his mistake.
warnings: angst, heartbreak, sexual tension, jealousy (future smut)
a/n: AHHH sorry for the late update! work and school are beating me up! thank you all for your patience and kindness-- your compliments for this fic have been lifting my mood! i have added (i think) everyone who has asked to be added. i will be closing the taglist as its getting quite large.
all parts: pt.1, pt.2, pt.3, pt.4,
December | Tokyo, Japan | Monday
The moment you entered the office, relief washed over you as the intense heat from the vents warmed your body. 
The weather was unkind during the winter in Japan, proving its rudeness by coating you completely in snow. A handful of your coworkers brushed the snow off of you as you passed by them. With rosy cold cheeks and heavy breaths, you get settled into your desk and shake your legs in an attempt to get warm. As you brought your hands up to your mouth to breathe warm air, you looked to your right to see Nanami’s desk. 
It felt barren, despite only a few folders and documents missing. His computer was still there, but he was likely using his laptop for the day instead. A few pens were picked out of his holder/cup, along with his notebook in the small cabinet that hung beneath his desk. His favorite mug was gone as well. It almost felt like Nanami was never there. 
Coffee. You reluctantly left your seat, and began walking over to the cafe. You continue to blow warm air into your hands, walking haggardly over to get Nanami’s usual coffee, and a hot chocolate for yourself. After the short line, you walk up to the cashier, getting kindly greeted with a curt bow. 
“Ah– good morning,” you say quickly, ushering for her to stand straight once more. “How is everyone today?” You eye over at the rest of the baristas and chefs within the space of their cafe. The cafe was round and large enough to allow the cafe team to walk around one another. There were cashiers all around the circle of the cafe, allowing them to tend to more staff easier.  
A sea of ‘good morning!’ and ‘good’ responses follow your question. You smile, “I’m glad to hear it. Is Tae in by any chance?” 
The manager of the cafe quickly rushes out to greet you, “ah, Y/L/N, good morning! How was your weekend?” Your question gets lost in the chit chatter. 
After a brief exchange of weekend plans, you look around the cafe staff. “Is Tae in today?” 
“He is,” the manager began, her voice soft, “he’s in the back preparing the coffee for Nanami kacho.” 
You tilted your head, “I… didn’t even order yet. Surely he must be psychic.” 
The manager chuckles, “if only. He’s such a peach, Y/L/N– that boy immediately got to work the moment he stepped into the cafe.” 
“I’m surprised he isn’t nervous,” you began curiously, “today is his first day.”
“You guys hired right when it came to this boy,” the manager praised, “it has yet to be an hour and he already cleaned and set up his own station. He made sure to be quick so he could ask for this time to prepare your boss’ cup of coffee.” 
You were really glad that he was acclimating well. Although you always had trust within the cafe team that they would help him assimilate, it was also good to see he was taking initiative on his own. And, since you helped him get hired, it only felt right to check in and make sure he was starting off well. 
“Did you want your usual as well?” The cashier chimed. 
“Oh no,” you shake your head, “it’s way too cold for an iced coffee. But, I’d love a hot chocolate if possible.” 
“Anything for you,” the cashier insisted, informing another barista about your order. Although the cafe was technically free for the office as the entire cafe staff was salaried, you still left a good tip in their tip jar. “Y/N, you always do this! You know you don’t have to.” 
“Do what?” You feigned confusion, amusing the cashier as she thanked you for your constant kindness. You turn to the manager, “if you can spare Tae for a few minutes, I’d like to bring him over to meet Nanami personally.” 
“Is that allowed?” The manager quickly questions. She was right to be careful. Only the Finance team is allowed in the department. Other departments and outsiders can only enter upon invitation, unless they are heads or leaders of other departments. 
You nod, “I invited him, so don’t worry. Plus, my boss’ office is just to the side there, so we won’t go through any of the offices at all.” 
The manager quickly nods, “then he’s all yours. Tae, please come out with the drinks once they are ready.” 
In minutes, the young barista comes out, two cups in his hand. It was surprising to see him without his usual uniform, as he no longer works for the cafe that you poached him from. He was comfortable in a black crew neck and joggers. His eyes were emerald green, and he had a slit cut in his left eyebrow. His lack of uniform hat also allowed you to notice his shaggy chestnut hair. Particularly, he had a small braid dangling from the back left side of his hair.
He was suddenly flush when meeting your eyes, giving you a curt bow in the midst of his nerves. “K-kacho,” he lets out firmly. You couldn’t help but giggle a bit. You move forward and pat his shoulder gently. 
“Tae, I’m not your higher up,” you begin quietly. “It has a ring to it, though. But, please feel free to call me by my name.” 
He stands up straight again, but tilts his head a bit, “are you sure?” 
You nod, “you won’t be disrespecting me, I promise.” 
Tae eyes you skeptically, but he gulps hesitantly, “Y/N…-san.” 
The cafe team swim in giggles and chuckles. You join them, grinning widely at the man, “close enough. I’ll be borrowing you for a few minutes if that’s alright with you.” 
“O-of course!” Tae quickly rushes to your side, smiling down at you eagerly. You didn’t quite realize how tall he was until he was beside you. You think he’s just about as tall as Nanami. What is up with these tall men? You huffed at the thought. 
You wave goodbye to the cafe team and walk towards Nanami’s office. You weren’t necessarily eager to see him, but you always got his cup of coffee no matter what. Even with your feelings in a rut, he was still the best boss you’ve been under. Although, if Shoko heard that, she’d throw quite the tantrum. She is the head of the Sales department, and you were under her before you were transferred to Finance. You were humored by your thoughts, which were quickly interrupted when Tae offered you a cup. 
“The hot chocolate you requested,” Tae hums with glee. 
“Ah, thank goodness,” you sigh in relief, taking the hot coffee from his hand. You wrap both hands around it, relishing in its warmth. You bring it up to your cheek, warming up part of your face. “It’s great, thank you so much.” 
Tae chuckles at you, “you haven’t even tried it.” 
“There was a reason my boss wanted to hire you,” you begin, putting the cup away from you before you burn yourself. “I have no doubt that this will be the most delicious hot chocolate I’ll ever have.” 
“You two… are extremely kind,” Tae hums quietly, “I don’t mean to be so sentimental, especially as we’re still just strangers, but taking this job feels like the best choice I’ve made in a while.” 
You smile warmly at him, “well, I’m glad! My boss really appreciates your craftsmanship and figured it would be best utilized here.” 
Tae smiles from the flattery, “is there only one cafe in this whole company?” 
“Oh goodness, no, this building and its staff is way too big for that,” you immediately point out, “there’s a cafe on every floor here. We weren’t hiring for another barista until my boss decided he wanted you in our department.” 
Tae looks over at you, a light pink hue on his cheeks, “is that so? There’s so many really good baritas in this city– I’m just some guy.” 
You shrug, “we’re all just some people. But of all the cups of coffee we’ve had, you make it the best.” 
“Well, I’m very grateful,” Tae hums, “everything about this place is so much better than my last job. I can finally do more.” 
You could feel your heart warm from his words. You could see the relief and calmness in his expression. Whenever you went to retrieve Nanami’s usual cup of joe, Tae would be practically muted as he would focus on his orders. But never within his business has he ever made a bad drink. 
“Well, thank you for making such delicious drinks,” you chime, “not to intimidate you, but the President of this company also works from this floor. So you will see him fairly often.”
“Ah well,” he brings a hand to the back of his neck. You notice he pushes his little braid a bit. “I’ll do my best.” 
Before the two of you could continue, Haibara runs out from Nanami’s office. His usual lively eyes were hanging low, a hand covering his forehead in stress. His usual pulled down hair was up and pointed every which way. You could only imagine how many times he’s passed his fingers through his hair without fixing it back. You rush over to him, with Tae right behind you while still careful with Nanami’s coffee. 
“Haibara?” Worry escapes your tongue. “What’s wrong?” 
“Please tell me you have his coffee,” Haibara murmurs. He holds your shoulders, fear in his half-closed eyes. “Please tell me that’s why you’re here.” 
You nod, gesturing to Tae, “I had asked Tae, the barista he just hired, to come bring him his usual morning cup.” 
Haibara looks over at Tae, putting a hand out to shake it, “it’s very nice to meet you, thank you for your service.” You kindly take the cup of coffee from Tae’s hand and grin over at him. Tae could only smile back while Haibara shook his hand with purpose. 
“Is… Nanami okay?” You quickly ask, looking over at Nanami’s now closed door. 
Haibara lets go of Tae and shakes his head, “he’s over the edge. Takada shacho sent a few of his assistants to help out as we host our clients for the next few days. They’re lovely, but they don’t know Nanami…” 
Is that right… You let out a sigh. Whenever something doesn’t go Nanami’s way, he can become agitated beyond approach. But, it was a little annoying for him to pass off your help during this client visit, only to get assigned other assistants to help instead. “Did they not get him his usual coffee?” 
“Y/N, they don’t know what he usually gets,” Haibara points out. 
“Did he not tell them?” 
“He conveniently forgot how he likes it made.” 
Rolling your eyes, you turn over to Tae with a sympathetic smile, “I’m sorry, Tae. Let me introduce you to him another day. I wouldn’t want you to meet him during his… less ideal moments.”
Tae understood the situation well and curtly bowed to both you and Haibara, “I hope this coffee helps. It was nice to meet you, Haibara-kun, and thank you, Y/N-san.” You gave him silent gratitude when you lifted both drinks and nodded at his departure. Tae lingered his stare at you for a few more moments before going back to the cafe. 
“Is he the one that makes Nanami’s coffee?” Haibara hums curiously. 
“That is him, yes.” 
Haibara squints at Tae before he disappears from view. He looks back at you, noticing the confused expression on your face. He could tell you were curious about his question, and reaction, but Haibara was quick to bring back the topic at hand. “Please come into his office.” 
You kindly knock on the door, and receive an irritated response, “who is it?” 
“It’s Y/N,” you call from behind his door, “I have your cup of coffee.”
Immediately, the door opened, and Nanami rushed from his desk to meet you at the doorway. In the corners of your eyes, you could see the assistant standing at the sides of his office. They looked straight at one another, with hands attached in the front of their waists. 
But, Nanami’s relieved face distracts you from the suddenly filled office. Though he looked well kept and groomed, you could tell he was off. Exhaustion defined his eyes, those hazel orbs not being able to stand out from his sunken circles. A vein protrudes from his temple, almost beckoning for a headache to start. He smiles down at you, almost like you were the greatest thing to happen this morning. 
“Is that my…” he begins, his voice low and hoarse. 
You offer him the coffee, which he immediately takes a whiff before taking a desperate swig. In seconds, he practically gulps it down, both you and Haibara jumping from how bold he was. The coffee was piping hot still, despite it being done just a few minutes ago. A stream of coffee begins to go down the end of his lips, slowly making its way to his chiseled chin. 
As he finishes the cup, you fish out a napkin from your back pocket. You kindly take the finished cup of coffee in exchange for your napkin. He graciously takes it, patting his mouth dry with no trace of coffee to be seen. It was like magic, the way life returned to Nanami’s eyes and body. 
“Truly, what would I do without you, Y/N,” Nanami hums. Even his tone was more at ease. “Thank you very much for bringing me that cup, you really didn’t have to, considering what I asked of you during this time.” 
Peeking over his shoulder, you could see over 12 cups of coffee on his desk. Unknown to you, only a sip has been taken from all of them. “I’m still your assistant, even if I’m currently inactive. Besides, it’s already a habit that I get your morning coffee.” 
“Please, if you can,” he rushes back to his desk to come back with a notepad and a pen, “write down exactly what you ask for when you get my coffee. I’ll have the girls here memorize it so they can bring it for me from now on.” 
You look at him, hesitant about his words, “it’s only until Wednesday, no? There’s no need for them to memorize something that takes me only a few minutes to get for you.” 
“Speaking of, ladies,” he calls to them without leaving his gaze from you. “Can you fetch me the documents from the printer? They should have my name on it all– it’s 100 pages or so.” The assistants nod before walking past the both of you. You could swear they had malice in their intent when they grinned at you. “Anyhow, the reason I’d like for them to memorize it is only in the case that this might extend past the 3 days I set.” 
“Can I ask about that?” You gestured to the spots where the assistants just were. “You told me that I would not be needed for the next few days due to confidentiality reasons. But they’re here– why is that?” 
Nanami stayed quiet for a moment. While gathering his thoughts, you take a sip of the hot chocolate that Tae prepared for you. The delicatably, chocolatey drink greets your tongue kindly, the deliciously sweet taste enhanced by cinnamon and clove that was added. You smile subconsciously, content at its inviting taste and warmth. 
“Did you hear me, Y/N?” 
“A-ah, no, m’sorry!” You exclaim. Your admiration for the hot chocolate completely deafened you from Nanami’s explanation. Which was a first, considering you’d listen to Nanami talk your ear off about stocks and the ever changing currencies of different countries. “Please, repeat that.” 
“They are tenured assistants of Takada shacho,” Nanami says simply, “it is critical to have assistants that know how to host clients, ensuring our space is comfortable and catered to them. Which, speaking of.” He looks up at Haibara, “our clients should be here any minute– please head downstairs and meet with them.” 
“On it,” Haibara replies. Before he leaves, he subtly gives you a poke on your back, a weak attempt to ease you. 
You walk over to Nanami’s trash and toss the two cups away, silently collecting your thoughts. “So, what I’m understanding is I couldn’t be guided to do the same thing?” 
“It is your first year as my assistant, Y/N,” Nanami explains. “And these clients were sudden. There was no time to show you, nor did I want to bombard you with something like this.” 
“But I’m your assistant,” you urge, “it is my job to do what you need me to do.” 
“That’s right,” Nanami points out, “and what I need you to do is continue carrying out work independently under Haibara’s guidance. Do not worry about fetching me my morning coffee. Write down the order and I’ll end them the email.”
Reluctantly, you scribble down the order on a note and hand it to him. It’s not fair. You understood that he would be hosting these clients and wouldn’t be able to actively be your supervisor as his hands would be completely full. But to instead accept other assistants to do your work and beyond that was obscene. Sure, you weren't tenured, but there was a reason why you were transferred from Sales to Finance. There was a reason why you were praised so often. Nanami used to jokingly worry about you potentially being transferred to another department as he’s become comfortable with your work aptitude. 
But, in this moment, you try to remind yourself of Haibara’s words. Nanami never wanted a female assistant until you came along. You worked hard to prove yourself as someone dependable at this job, and that has yet to go wrong. And… you were sure Nanami wasn’t doing all of this because he didn’t believe in you. He didn’t want to overwhelm you, and that is a very considerate gesture. 
Right? 
“Understood,” you say sternly, “good luck with everything. I know everything is going to go well. I’ll take my leave now, Nanami kacho.” 
Once again, another unsettled stare from Nanami comes through. You turned around quickly to go back to your desk, but you felt a hand cup your shoulder. Turning around a bit, you widen your eyes to see Nanami right behind you. He quickly lets you go when you turn around to face him completely. His cheeks were lightly painted with hues of pink, hazel eyes frantically looking to not meet your own. 
“Y/N, before you go, I’d like to ask you about something.”
Before Nanami could continue his inquiry, he saw Haibara coming down the hallway from the elevators. Several men with suits followed right behind him, pitting nerves into Nanami’s stomach. You turn around to look as well, quickly making yourself disappear as you rush back to your desk. Nanami looks at your distant figure lamentably before looking towards his clients with a wide smile. 
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