#sorry for tmi its just one of those moments where im like oh so this experience is not universal

[yuuminni]

but like i didnt really have a choice lol i spent the majority of my childhood sharing bed bc we never had enough beds

[descendantofthesparrow]

Harry Hook x Reader - turned.

Izabelfireheart  on wattpad

Can you do one when it takes place in D2 plz? (The reader is King Ben's sister, and Ben has to give up the wand and  the crown to save her, but while being kisnapped she falls in love with Harry. When Ben comes he realizes that she became more like Uma, and could care less for Auradon Prep. Can includes Lemon IF you write those, and sorry if this is tmi

You couldn’t care less for the people or places around you, it had been boring and straight since you were born, nothing wild, no rule-breaking, no frowns, no nothing.

The arrival of the core four had made Auradon prep interesting, but that faded as they became more like the sheep around you, abandoning their fellow vks for a soft pillow.

Ben, your brother, had also abandoned his ‘bring over vks once every two months’ plan, preferring to tend to his “perfect” girlfriend Mal.

Perfect HA! Mal was less than perfect, she obviously was super uncomfortable with the entire ‘lady of the court thing’ and wanted out, she hated the paparazzi, the clothes, the manners, the hair, which was now bleached blonde with lavender tips.

And you were the only one she told personally about her troubles and wants to return to the isle, you didn’t discourage her, only saying “do you really want to return to the isle, or do you want to be free of this royalty bullshit?”

She hadn't responded, and when she left for the isle only two days away from cotilion, you weren't surprised.

What did surprise you was when ben burst into your room, begging for you to come with him to the isle to help get mal back.

You had an odd feeling, so you agreed, grabbing your casual clothes, which evie blinked at, you shrugged her off, you had a natural isle style apparently.

It took about an hour to get to the isle, and you had basically wandered off as soon as you had arrived at the hideout, noticing that your “friends” were distracted, you walked off, soon being run into by a set of kids, trying to get into your messenger bag, but you easily pushed them away, wincing at you felt the boniness of the children.

One fell to the ground and the other stood in front of his fallen friend, glaring at you, daring to try anything else.

You sighed, reaching into your bag and pulling out one of your tiaras, and kneeling down, holding it out to the child. Both of their eyes widened, seeing your true smile and the definitely real blue diamonds on the golden tiara.

“go on” you whispered, holding the tiara closer to the child “take it, I don’t need it”

The dirt-covered child stood up from the ground, walking around his friend and slowly taking the tiara, gasping as he saw a poster with your face on it, recognizing you.

“you- your prin-“ you held a finger up to your lips, shushing the awestruck child.

“don’t tell anyone im here, now, go get yourself some food okay?”

The two children nodded, grinning slightly and rushed off, hiding the tiara in their larger jackets.

“that wa’ kind of yeh lass” a thick Scottish voice spoke up from your right, you calmly stood and looked at him, raising your brow at the…

Holy fuck REALLY PRETTY DUDE WTF!

You felt your face heat up, wow, wow,wowowowow!

“okay first off, its kinda my thing, second off, holy FUCK you're pretty!”

The boy with the scarlet red jacket snickered and ruffled his floofy black hair, his cheeks red. “uh, thanks? Anyway, me captain would like teh see ya princess”

You smirked, feeling the heat from your face cool down and you jutted your hip out and placed your hand on it.

“oh? And who would your captain be Mr?” you saw the glint of a silver hook “Hook?” the obvious son of captain hook sniggered, bowing slightly

“my name would be harry hook princess, and meh captain would be uma d-“ you interrupted him, now getting excited.

“daughter of Ursula, mal told me about her”

Harry's eyes went dark, crossing his arms and becoming tense “oh? And wha’ did she tell yeh?”

You rolled your eyes and waved your hand “a bunch of bullshit that I didn’t care for, I never take second-hand info about a person I've never met”

Harry relaxed, nodding “alright, now, my captain?” you nodded, walking up to the boy and standing in front of him, staring into his surprisingly bright ocean blue eyes, where those emerald green flakes in his eyes?

He offered his arm with a grin, and you took it with a giggle and a smile.

You didn’t hear your brother or evie call for you, and you didn’t hear one of Harry's crew members inform them for mal to meet uma at the chip shop for a negotiation.

Harry led you to the ship, smirking as you gave a wow at the vessel, for some reason, he just wanted to look at you for hours, and listen to you talk and ramble.

He shook those feelings and wants away, showing you around the main deck and smiling at you as you explored.

“never seen a pirate ship before princess?”

You turned and smiled, making Harry's heart skip a beat, what the hell is happening to him?!

“You can call me (y/n), I never liked that title anyway, and no, I've never seen a pirate ship, they are all sunken to the ocean floor”

As you looked around the ship, you stopped at harrys sword, the red fabric wrapped around the hilt making your raise your brow.

“you sword fight?” you asked, making Harry's brows go up,

“yeah, im a pirate, kinda a requirement?”

You hummed, shrugging off your jacker and letting it drop from the floor, seeing Harry's Adam's apple bob, his pupils dilated.

“wanna spar? I need something to fight”

Harry grinned, walking to a barrel and grasping a sword, and tossing it to you. you caught it with ease, flipping it as you did.

“lets play (y/n)”

The two of you clashed for a little bit, easily matching the other as you fought, he swiped for your torso, you dodged, and he sent his palm at your torso, sending you to the floor.

He knelt down over you, sword above your neck. “ready to surrender princess~?”

You smirked, lifting your legs and wrapping them around his neck and torso, flipping yours and Harry's positions, you on top, his face pressed against your thigh, face red and eyes wide.

“nah~”

A slow loud clapping sounded from behind you, you stood up, turning to see a girl with teal braided hair, a pirates hat on her head.

Uma.

“impressive princess~ Harrys hard to beat”

You smiled standing, retrieving your jacket in the prosses, making uma blink in surprise as you greeted her as if she hadn't just ordered a kidnapping on you “You must be uma, a pleasure to meet ya”

Uma looked at you up and down, she thought Harry had full-on kidnapped you, but it seemed you had come willingly.

“now, harry says that you wanted something with me? uma steeled herself, standing tall and strutting up to her, putting on her best killer gaze, but you didn’t flinch meeting her gaze evenly.

“yes, you…for the wand and crown”

You blinked a few times, surprised at her bluntness before you busted out laughing, making uma drop her face and harry look at you in confusion.

“oh-my-god-!!! You-you want the wand?! Ben would have been a much better hostage!”

You continued to laugh before gaining your breath, grinning sadly as you looked to the ground “im the second born, no one really gives a fuck about me, the crowned king is alive and well, the princess isn't needed”

Uma stared at you in surprise, she wasn’t expecting that mini-rant from an Auradon rat.

“I don’t give a crap about Auradon though, so its an even trade”

You laughed coldly “I hope for your sake, ben cares enough to bring the wand, seeing the isle today” you paused sneering slightly “made me pissed off, you are all CHILDREN, you did nothing wrong! You shouldn’t have to pay the price for your parent's wrongdoings, and ben has ignored that for six months”

Uma stared at you, before deciding something, she walked up to you holding her hand out, you blinked at it in surprise, looking at uma confused.

“It seems we have a common goal, you want freedom and justice for the wrongly accused vks, and I want the same, what do ya say princess (y/n)? are you on my side”

You smirked, grabbing onto umas outstretched hand holding it up in the air, tightly gripping it.

“I’ll rally with you” ---

Harry felt his heart beat faster as uma told him to keep (y/n) in his room for the night, as no one dared to go in there unless with order or permission, (y/n) would be protected there.

“so, uh, meh room?”

Harry gestured to his midsized room, slightly embarrassed at the clothes strewn about the room, he quickly started to pick them up, tossing them in a hamper.

Wait, why did he care? He had multiple other people in his room before, and he didn’t give a single fuck about what they thought about his room.

So why?

Sighing he turned to look at (y/n) again, locking his ocean blue eyes with her bright and curious (e/c) ones.

His breath hitched and his heart skipped another beat.

Oh shit.

Was he- no not that fast- but he definitely-

“Harry?” oh god her voice, just her voice was making his heart go crazy. What was wrong with him?! “yea~-“ oh god did his voice just crack?! He cleared his throat as (y/n) smiled and giggled lightly “yeah lass?”

“I really need to do something physical, wanna do it?”

Harry choked, stumbling into his dresser, wide-eyed at the supposed ‘princess’ his face started to heat up.

“i-you-wha-bu-“

You interrupted Harry's babbling, your own face heating up. “I wanna say something, in the short amount of time we've known each other, I've felt a connection I've never felt before, so if ‘this’” you gestured between you harry and the bed, making harry swallow harshly and nod. “happens, I want to make something clear if you maybe want to pursue something after that, I wouldn’t say no.”

Harry stared at you as you started to fidget. he stayed silent, figuring out what you had just said.

You wanted to have sex with him

You said you wouldn’t mind seeing where your…releationship would go after it

You felt a connection with him….just as he felt a connection to you.

Harry breathed deeply, closing his eyes for a few moments, before opening them, staring into your bright eyes.

He stalked forward, pressing his lips to yours, pressing against his door, you moaned, feeling around for the lock, clicking it you moved your hands to wrap around his neck and thread your fingers in his thick hair.

Harry unbuckled his belt, tossing it across the room, before shrugging off his jacket and pressing his hardening core to yours.

He broke away from you, spit keeping the two of you connected, breath heavy and hearts beating fast.

“let's take this to the bed shall we?”

You nodded, breathing heavily.

Harry picked you up by your thighs, walking over to his bed and setting you down, laying his body on top of yours, griding slightly.

Harry let out a grunt, pleasure shooting up his spine, as you let out high pitched sighs.

“w-wait!” harry stopped, pulling away, a good 8 inches between you.

“did yeh change yer mind?”

“n-no I just wanted-im a virgin”

Harry blinked, before smiling softly, leaning down to give your cheek a soft kiss.

“ill be gentle”

---the end(not writing the full smut, my dads home)---

There will be a part 2, taking place in d3

[abundantchewtoys]

HS Epi: Meat p21 reaction

So, Dave, huh?

Doesn't seem as if Dirk is expecting him to fall unconscious too from the looks of it.

But that doesn't mean that he might not. It depends on who's really behind the condition, Dirk or Alternate Calliope.

You'd think Dave might get called by Roxy when they can't wake Jade up, but that might happen in the latter half of the page.

It's notable that Dirk even as almost omniscient narrator seems harried to continue acknowledging certain scenes. As if he fears he might be influenced.

"DAVE: holy shit thats disgusting KARKAT: DON’T BE A FUCKING XENOPHOBE DAVE: im not being a xenophobe" Yeah Dave, be more sensitive towards the people whose body image is celestial. :P

"Karkat doesn’t respond immediately. He shuffles his feet to the edge of the outcropping they’re standing on and stares down at the brood pit, where the Mother Grub of Earth C is squelching out unfertilized jelly." :O They actually left their hive! And they're meeting up with Kanaya! So... yeah, didn't think we'd require further indulging into the reproductive cycle of trolls, we had TMI already, but here we are. :P Jelly to go into the slurry, unfertilized like fish eggs. Joy.

"No answer. This silence makes Dave actually back up for three seconds and think about what the hell just came out of his mouth." Karkat's just distracted, thinking of something else or looking for Kanaya, I suspect, but Dave goes reading too much into it.

"Dave could definitely be handling this situation with a certain measure of restraint or grace. But he’s got my genes, so he decides to handle it a different way than that." Well, Dirk did say he owned his own faults. He wasn't lying.

"DAVE: but im almost as passionate about this troll speciesism thing as i am about the economy which you may not have known is my number one" Heh, Dave's really getting worked up about this, assuming he came over poorly.

"Karkat still doesn’t answer. He’s staring real intently at the jelly." He doesn't spot any mutations, by chance?

"KARKAT: HEY DIPSHIT, SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE. KARKAT: I’M NOT IGNORING YOU BECAUSE I’M MAD. DAVE: what DAVE: that wasnt what i KARKAT: I KNOW THAT YOU PERISH LIKE A DELICATE LILAC BLOOM IN THE FUCKING DESERT IF NOT SHOWERED WITH MY VERBAL ATTENTION AT ALL TIMES. KARKAT: BUT I’M KIND OF WITNESSING THE REBIRTH OF MY ENTIRE FUCKING SPECIES RIGHT HERE. KARKAT: YOU EVER THINK THAT THIS MIGHT BE A MONUMENTAL MOMENT FOR ME?" Wow, this is actually really much more like the Karkat we're used to hearing rants from.

I can definitely understand he feels some very heavy feelings right now, since everything that happened in the A2 session and after has lead to this moment. So I'm definitely allowing Karkat a measure of solemnness, and perhaps even feeling proud and aloof at the achievement.

"Dave comes to the edge of the outcropping, standing shoulder to shoulder with Karkat as he too observes the majesty of translucent goo getting birthed out of an alien asshole." So majestic. I'm definitely getting "Mufasa showing Simba the Pride Lands" vibes from this scene. :P

"KARKAT: WHAT PART OF THIS IS DISGUSTING? KARKAT: IS IT THE SLOW DEFLATING OF ITS DISTENDED ABDOMEN? KARKAT: THE SOUND OF DOZENS OF SEGMENTED LEGS CLACKING AGAINST ITS EXOSKELETON? KARKAT: THE UNFERTILIZED SLURRY BEING SLOWLY SQUEEZED FROM ITS OVIPOSITIONAL SPHINCTER? KARKAT: IS THAT IT? IS THAT DISGUSTING TO YOU DAVE? DAVE: kind of KARKAT: ... KARKAT: YOU’RE RIGHT KARKAT: IT’S HORRIBLE" You know when people sum up three items, the third one is often the most important one. :P And yeah, I figure Karkat can still see how horrific this is even as a troll himself. We know how much he could get grossed out by Equius' sweat and strongly voiced his dissent, and this is a whole new level of excrements.

"KANAYA: Im Sorry But I Can Hear You From Down Here" Kanaya has excellent hearing, being able to discern their blabbering from all the squelching and clacking. It might the rainbow drinker abilities.

"She’s glowing. Her skin, I mean." Yes, we already established she and Rose would adopt, if they'd ever go for progeny, if Rose can be convinced. :P

"Kanaya steps out from beneath the canopy where she was doing grub science, wiping her hands on a silk cloth." It's cool to see Kanaya do such a Jade-like activity! It's actually quite logical that her kind would be well versed in biology, given their strong dependence on the grub for (biological) reproduction.

"Her mood can be politely described as pensive." ... Something might be bothering her. A lack of donations, so far? It's not as if the imperial drone system will be set again, right? Depends on how they did things on Beforus, which she might shed light on. ... Figuratively.

"DAVE: whats shaking sis KANAYA: Must You Always Call Me That DAVE: nah but it does feel pretty rad to say DAVE: like wow my sister in law is an alien how" Pffff, yeah, that's right! Well, that's the first time someone besides Calliope (and Joey) is called sis! What'd that make Karkat to Rose? :P Since he has ties to both Kanaya and Dave.

"DAVE: i love our awesome planet where everyone is free to form xenophilic family units without fear of government interference or reprisal" That's an odd thing to say, but okay.

"Karkat pauses to imitate a very common Davism that involves two hands and a double-wrist swivel. It’s an incredibly good imitation, because he sees this particular bit of body language like ten times a day." ... Does Dave make a jazz hands signal when he's trying to change the subject? :D

"KARKAT: IT’S THE STUPIDEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN AND YOU DO IT LIKE TEN TIMES A DAY." ... Is Karkat picking that up from the narration, unconsciously?

"DAVE: im dropping a beat DAVE: like im using a turntable and scratching one song into another" ... Well then, less dorky and more related to his interests than I thought.

"KARKAT: IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO FOLD LAUNDRY YOU FORGOT TO IRON." At this point both he and Dave have forgotten Kanaya's presence. :P

"KANAYA: So This Is About The Election KARKAT: AH." She was expecting them. I wonder if they'll get as much an evasive answer as Roxy and Calliope gave Jade.

"KANAYA: I Do Get The Internet Down Here" Pretty good reception though! 'The Internet', such a Kanaya-ism.

"KANAYA: I Am Impressed That You Managed To Be Seen In Front Of That Many People Without Spontaneously Bursting Into Flames" So he gave a public statement! Nice.

"KARKAT: WOW THANKS, ANOTHER VOTE OF CONFIDENCE FROM ONE OF MY DEAREST FRIENDS." Yeah, well, your speeching days are kind of behind you, and even then it was only in front of 12 people, she may or may not have a point.

"KARKAT: THIS CONDESCENSION IS REALLY RICH COMING FROM THE PERSON WHO DECIDED HER NARCISSISTIC OBSESSION WITH BEING THE ONE TO HATCH THE MOTHER GRUB WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN NOT SEEDING OUR PLANET WITH A STOPGAP SYSTEM OF REPRODUCTION THAT WOULD CAUSE SYSTEMIC SPECIESISM TO OSSIFY INTO SOCIETY FOR 5000 YEARS." Pfff, Karkat already mentioned he discussed these topics so often with Kanaya over the phone. It'll be interesting to hear her retort.

"KANAYA: But I Do Not Think It Is Productive To Attribute These Resultant Troubles To A Single Decision Or Individual KANAYA: It Stands In The Way Of Our Efforts To Address Them KARKAT: MMNNNRRRGHHH......... DAVE: (shhhhhh)" I like this, Kanaya's right in absolving herself at least in part of the blame for the end result. Karkat is doing wonders in restraining himself from shouting. Dave is shooshing Karkat.

"KAYANA: You Know As Well As I Do That We Must Present A United Front" Yeah, that'd be best to not cause societal upheaval. But they're not doing a good job already of course, running two different campaigns.

"KANAYA: I Have Nothing But The Utmost Faith In You" ... is the new "I believe in you".

"Kanaya reaches out to put a hand on Karkat’s head. He doesn’t duck away in time, and she gives him an affectionate, matronly hair-ruffle between his horns." I love how Kanaya's motherly/sisterly feelings towards Karkat manifest sometimes. :D *pap pap good crab*

"KANAYA: While I Know That It Is Difficult For You To Take A Direct Compliment KANAYA: I Have In The Past Put My Faith In You When The Threat To Our Survival Has Been Immediate And Literal KANAYA: Its Basically Nothing To Ask Me To Do It Again Now That The Threat Is Far More ... KANAYA: *Existential*" Awww. Yeah, she always was one of his closest confidantes. Even going through with the trolling of the kids when she didn't feel like it would be that effective. And she's right, the dangers now are far more vague.

"KANAYA: Is How I Think I Shall Put It KANAYA: If We Are Going To Be Polite" ... And personal, I guess, since they come from within their own group. (Let's be honest, the trolls were a team but not a cohesive one. In that regard, the players on Earth C are far more kin.

"Dave is watching her, but Karkat’s looking contemplatively at his entwined hands. Kanaya’s right: it’s almost excruciating for him to take a completely unironic compliment, especially face-to-face, like what she just said to him. I understand this about Karkat. It’s one of the precious few things he and I have in common." Well, it stands to reason that if Karkat has a lot in common with Dave, he'd have a lot in common with Dirk too! But maybe some of those things are not part of the same set.

"We internalize and project the quality in very different ways, however, which is why I’m going to win." Here goes Dirk again, assuming he's the real leader on his side. He assumes his way of dealing with compliments will make him come off better, but he might just seem arrogant.

"KANAYA: Jane Has Been Here To Speak With Me Recently In Fact" Oh! I actually figured the issue was being discussed over the heads of the actual people impacted by a decision. ... Like is so often the case on our own Earth.

"KANAYA: You Know I Do Like Jane KANAYA: In Some Regards She Reminds Me Of A Friend We Had Who Sadly Did Not Survive Our Time On The Meteor" Feferi?

"KANAYA: She Was Unfailingly Kind To Everyone She Met But She Also Happened To Be The Heiress To The Throne Of A Vast And Bloody Empire" Aww. We didn't have much interaction between them, but it seems she held Feferi in high regard. It would have been a different empire under her. Different from Beforus as well, since the troll race had been influenced so severely by Doc Scratch and )(IC by then already.

"KANAYA: And While She Had A Lot Of Opinions On Reform She Had Already Wrenched Some Of Her Power From Our Last Empress In The Traditional Manner" Via the lusus. That might be her reasoning behind waiting until after the time skip to hatch the Grub. For the bond that would form between troll and grub. Maybe she felt she alone could handle the responsibility, or she craved a little sliver of that contact she lossed with her own custodian.

"Karkat finally looks up at the description of one of their many dead friends." Yeah, this would surely stir something with him as well.

"She rests an ear against the rise of its massive stomach, then taps the shell with two perfectly manicured fingernails." That calls back to when she got the matriorb out from her dead lusus' body.

"KANAYA: By Which I Mean That Jane Is Perfectly Pleasant And I Believe That She Has Only The Best Of Intentions KANAYA: But I Cant Shake The Feeling That Deep Inside Her Lurks The Potential For Despotism" Yeah, we know how it could have manifested in Feferi from Beforus.

"KARKAT: OKAY I GET WHY YOU GUYS KEEP CALLING JANE A CRYPTO-FASCIST KARKAT: BUT FUCKING FEFERI? SHE WAS HARMLESS. KANAYA: These Things Take Time To Gestate Karkat DAVE: damn" Dave is impressed by Kanaya's political analysis.

"KANAYA: Power Corrupts In Small Steps KANAYA: Compromises KANAYA: Concessions KANAYA: Appeasements KANAYA: And Leaders Follow The Example Set For Them KANAYA: Look At What Jane Has Modeled Herself After Already" So maybe the situation on Beforus wasn't Feferi's doing single-handedly, just a situation that grew and grew over millennia. A goal reached by means bartered over, the result corrupted in the process of achieving it.

I don't think Jane really modelled herself after the Condesce consciously, but if it's the only example of a powerful business woman she had, then of course she'd unknowingly copy some bad habits she doesn't think are bad.

"KANAYA: This Is Why I Trust You Karkat KANAYA: Because You Listen To Advice From Below And Beside You Not From Above" Plus, the Sufferer is his precedent, whether he believes in him or not. And yes, Karkat might admire achievements made by what he believes to be his betters (Vriska, Meenah, the Condesce), but he's learned not to copy their behaviour.

"DAVE: so weve got your endorsement then

She laughs, not kindly. KANAYA: Jane Offered Me “A Seat” On The “Board Of Responsible Troll Reproduction” KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK. HOW DARE SHE! KANAYA: That Is Exactly What I Said" Wow, yeah, that was definitely inconsiderate of Jane. Trolls should be the end responsible of their own reproduction, and if there's a board, there's a chairman, but as long as there's a president above either and she's human, the inequality persists.

"RECREATION SPRAWL" Troll term for park.

"KANAYA: In Case You Cant Tell I Am Actually Fucking Furious About This" Well, thanks Kanaya, I really couldn't!

"KANAYA: Our Reproduction Method Is Alien And Unfamiliar KANAYA: To A Human It Must Sound Monstrous KANAYA: Uncontrolled Even" While it wasn't, of course, there's a rhyme and reason to it. Especially considering the dangers on Alternia, a big pool of spawn to go through the trials is necessary. ... I wonder if they're going to set up new trials on Earth C, in the brooding caverns?

Come to think of it... What the grubs go through... It's kind of similar in a way to how in humans, the male sperm has to survive the trip to the egg cell.

"KARKAT: WHEN I HEAR ABOUT HOW HUMAN GRUBS CHEW THEIR WAY OUT OF THE FEMALE MATESPRIT’S ABDOMINAL HOLE BEFORE CONSUMING THE WOMB MEMBRANE IT MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT." That's... well, a different phrasing but still close to the truth. Makes us sound like birds hatching from an egg, though.

"KANAYA: I Hope That There Is At Least One Principle We Share As A Planet KANAYA: Which Is That We Must All Work To Ensure Equal Dignity And Respect For Every Species" It's sad that in real life, so many people disagree.

"KANAYA: Otherwise KANAYA: What Was This All For

The three of them stare at the floor in adorably cartoonish synchronicity. What was this all for, indeed?" It's almost as if they're looking down to the narration, acknowledging Dirk's presence. :P

"Morality is a cultural construct. It’s pure ego for any of them to believe that their personal interpretation of it will result in the most effective laws." As for your personal interpretation, Dirk? :P

"DAVE: would you be willing to say that exactly but DAVE: like in front of a huge crowd DAVE: and also a television crew or six" She'd actually pull it off better than Karkat. Maybe she could be his press speechperson on troll subjects? :P

"KARKAT: OR MAYBE JUST IN FRONT OF JAKE ENGLISH? KANAYA: Oh Dear Has Jane Recruited Jake" The Jakestakes return. Kanaya also believes in that Jake will sway the vote.

"KANAYA: That Would Be Disastrous KANAYA: He Is Beloved In The Troll Kingdom For His Perky Ass" Why. Of all the universal constants.

"DAVE: seriously? KARKAT: I TOLD YOU IT’S NOT JUST ME! KANAYA: It Has Some Terrible Arcane Power KANAYA: I Have Never Seen Anything Like It" It's like his <3 quadrant, a black hole everything is attracted to.

"DAVE: but jane is one of his best friends so we gotta approach this with a scorched earth policy DAVE: give him a whole cadre of sob stories thatll make him feel all manly and heroic for lending his support DAVE: just gift wrapping babies for him to kiss KARKAT: TROLL BABIES EVEN? DAVE: sure that can be part of the deal he can kiss the first natural born grub right on its gooey lil head" He'd don a mayoral sash, top hat, fake moustache and monocle for the occasion, I can just picture it.

"KANAYA: Have You Spoken To Rose Yet DAVE: uh no DAVE: i mean DAVE: shes

Dave mimes laying down and taking pills. The look Kanaya gives him is neither fond nor patronizing." Very tactful, Dave, real smooth. At least Dave didn't bother Rose while she's otherwise occupied, like during the start of their session. Progress, right?

"DAVE: whats up with that anyway DAVE: are you guys uh DAVE: grub pregnant" Oh, yeah I should have figured Dave would start wildly guessing when not knowing the specifics behind the migraine.

"DAVE: cmon karkat dont you wanna be an uncle to a lil bundle of love and unnatural genetic tampering" Oh, now the baby became a genetically manipulated crossbreed. Jegus, Dave.

"DAVE: ok stop freaking out im just saying from what i understand of troll reproduction it would be technically possible for a troll and human to KANAYA: No DAVE: and with ectobiology anythings possible" Well, it's true the fandom speculated about crossbreeds, but uh, Dave is just approaching the subject from the worst angle.

"DAVE: i dunno its just unusual for rose to brush me off for our annual ecto sibling oversharing session" I would have thought they'd AT LEAST schedule it monthly, not annually. :P

"DAVE: shes been sick for a while DAVE: either shes pregnant or i got reasons to be worried" And NOW we get to the REAL reason Dave's breached the subject.

"DAVE: id be cool with it yknow DAVE: bring on the rosemary combo grubs KANAYA: Rosemary" Hah, nice! Shipping name dropped! Maybe that's what Dave thinks of them in his mind sometimes, like how "Dave and Karkat" became a concept to their friends.

"DAVE: like rose plus your last name which is maryan or something right KANAYA: Maryam" Oh Dave, inconsiderate much? :P

"DAVE: the rosemary babies would have her hair and your horns or whatever DAVE: like when two cartoon animals of different species give in to their lust and have preposterous children" Like what Dirk drew for Jake and Roxy.

"KANAYA: Im Going To Call My Wife And You Are Going To Stop Talking" Oh boy, here we go. Is Dirk going to answer? Making him both narrator and character at the same time? Is he going to impersonate Rose? Or will Rose unexpectedly wake up?

"Dave and Karkat bicker about what their combo kids would look like, in the event that they decided to stop being such laughable wusses" Even Dirk is rooting for them, kind of. And why would they even discuss this subject if the subject of becoming more than friends even scares them so much they don't acknowle- wait I answered my own question.

"Rose’s line rings for a long time. It’s unusual, she thinks. Rose rarely leaves her phone unattended." She rarely leaves an occasion hanging to be able to speak long sentences.

"Rose is in absolutely no condition to be having a conversation with anyone. Not even her cherished bride. DIRK: Hey," Is Dirk going to lie, I wonder. It would just be another mark against him, but a big one, as it'd be a confirmed action of malicious intent.

"Kanaya’s voice turns sharp right away. KANAYA: Excuse Me

She can sense that something’s wrong." Alright! He won't be able to spin the wheel on her, if he'd wish to do so.

"She’s also smart enough, and facile enough in handling questionable men" - right, Doc Scratch.

"to understand that she quickly needs to regulate the tone of her voice for diplomatic purposes. KANAYA: Dirk KANAYA: Is That You" Not fooling him at all, Kanaya, he knows you know it's him. This turned almost into a call with a hostage-holder.

"I don’t answer immediately. I’m distracted by something." His own narration, or something happening to Rose? ... Or perhaps... Perhaps Dirk is making contact with Reload Dirk, if he still exists. It would be something if he lost touch with Earth C for a while.

Perhaps it's more like what Blaperile thinks, Dirk is being distracted by events in the Furthest Ring, leading up to the upcoming perspective switch.

"She really should chill out, anyway. I’ve got everything under control. Not that she’ll ever be able to fully appreciate this." Well that's the understatement of the year. Kanaya would never forgive him, and it's only questionable if a lot of his other friends will. It'll dependent on further developments.

"I don’t have time to explain right now. John’s doing something vaguely important to the plot again." You'd think that what we last saw, John and the wallet, is where we'd continue his scene. But maybe Dirk fastforwarded his narration of John (he showed off at one point and let him spend a few hours, remember?), and now Rose's timeline caught up.

But this means Dirk's currently not in a state to answer Kanaya, but what does that mean? Is he going to freeze with Rose's phone in hand for a few hours, or has he broken off the call to "write" the narration?

"DIRK: Kanaya, I don’t have time to explain right now." That's not an acceptable answer for her and you know it. Unless he has her fall unconscious, too, Dave and Karkat and her are going to come over!

"DIRK: John’s doing something vaguely important to the plot again." Wow, he actually repeated his narration into the phone. He really doesn't control his situation as much as he thinks.

"KANAYA: Dirk... KANAYA: What DIRK: This is gonna have to wait. KANAYA: Dirk DIRK: I’m putting you on hold, ok? KANAYA: DIRK!" "Putting you on hold", pfffff. It's a personal cliffhanger for Kanaya. At least he's partially outed himself to the other people now. Unless he can continue his conversation with her with a 'reasonable' delay of only a few seconds from her perspective, and then proceeds to smoothly talk around what he told her, with his narration powers influencing her to drop the subject.

[ryuusjacket]

okay so i wanted to share this post that i made a while back from my personal nsfw blog but i feel kinda embarrassed just reblogging it here and showing off the url to that blog publicly (i. literally have like 2 maybe 3 followers on this blog so far lmao) even tho like. i Do share the url w ppl who i trust and who Want to read long ass posts that go into indepth descriptions of my sexual identity, my sexual health, my desires/feelings with regards to sex, and my experiences w sex (w myself bc idk how to initiate a sexual encounter w another human being). you're welcome to dm me for the url if ur Really interested in reading turbo tmi content (it is all text btw. idk how to take nudes so those don't exist sorry)

ANYWAY i sometimes do thought dumps on there that involve nsfw topics like smut fanfic n stuff, so i've tried to brainstorm for my planned sskk fic on there before and well i actually found a wordy one i did where i rlly tried to explain in detail just exactly i Want to create and accomplish w this fic idea of mine. and even just re-reading the post myself, i found it to be very concise and illustrative of my goal for the fic's overall mood and tone. it was a very well-needed reminder for me to read my thought process from a month or so back when i was a bit more hyped to begin this project.

so yeah! anyway im just gonna copy and paste the whole damn post here bc i think it's an interesting read and good presentation of my inner thoughts wrt to what i'm hoping to write (hopefully) someday soon. and really... this fic idea is still barely in its infancy like there's still SO MUCH left to brainstorm and plan out like fuck!!! it's still too early to even start an outline doc (and that's like one of my fave parts of the fic writing process)

oh and some background context: a few months ago there was an event on twitter/ao3 (not sure if here on tumblr? i unfortunately don't follow many or any bsd/sskk blogs at ALL yet) for bottom akutagawa week which was HEAVEN for me 🥰🥰🥰 literally could not have been a better event to appeal to my interests in this fandom i s2g. and i got my hopes up that maybe i could write a lil fic in time to share during the week but that unfortunately didn't happen. anyway here's the post:

so i might not be able to write the bsd smut fic i was initially hoping to publish during the bottom aku fan week this week... but that doesn't mean i have to give up on this fic project completely! if anything now i don't have to worry about meeting an irrefutable deadline and i can technically do anything i want. so yeah i still wanna write this fic.

but first. i have to figure out What The Fuck i'm gonna write lmao cause i still don't fucking know. i was Intending to do a < 4k word one-shot fluffy getting together that somehow... transitions into a sex scene. and i still wanna do that... but i just. don't rlly have any specific detail or image or moment or dialogue line in mind to start building a story from. AND LIKE yeaH i know that sounds dumb cause it's like. if i don't have ANYTHING fantasized yet then WHY AM I EVEN BOTHERING to start this fic at all!?

.......im not really sure tbh lmao

nah it's cause i love these dudes and i wanna write something for them and interact w the sskk fan community.

i literally just. need to figure out the BARE BONES premise to this dang fic. like where tf is it gonna take place? is it mid/post-mission? is it at one of their flats? also WHERE are they gonna HAVE SEX???? im actually a big fan of sex scenes happening in non-conventional places (e.g. some dusty ass room in an abandoned building they were investigating or in a public restroom oR FUckinG in an airplane holy shit i haven't seen that one done yet lmao MILE HIGH CLUB ONE-SHOT LETS GOO) but yea idk maybe i should just. keep it simple and do what every other fic does and let them get down at ryuu's place in his luxuriously huge bed (that hasn't canonically been shown, let alone wherever he lives)

i should AT LEAST settle on how fast this fic is gonna be paced. tbh i kinda Always prefer sskk's first time being a bit... feverish and rushed. it just suits them best. maybe there’s a little angst or miscommunication of feelings/intentions thrown in before they Eventually get their shit/feelings together. but anyway i don’t wanna write that lmao that’s too complicated (but like. yeah. these are two Very complicated (i.e. traumatized) guys with a VERY complicated relationship so. yeah it’s actually kinda rare/weird to imagine things working out Too smoothly for them tbh). 

while objectively that complicated/messy/aggressive type shit is their Brand, i would still like to keep things soft and gentle and Nice. that stuff is Not Impossible w these two ofc. it’s... tricky, but def possible. and i wanna achieve That. a getting together that is soft, hesitant, shy, and puts a heavy emphasis on Both of these men’s inexperience wrt romance and sex (that. is. my. Shit. they are both virgins and absolutely clueless and i Refuse to accept anything other than that. ......okay no... that’s not rlly true... basically all of my fave fics have a somewhat experienced atsushi and that’s okay bc like. how else is he gonna be able to Take Care of ryuu if he doesn’t already have an idea of how to take care of someone during sex? anyway ryuu is the most virginal virgin of all virgins to exist THAT IS INDISPUTABLE!!!!!)

so. i guess what i’m wondering is... how fast can i manage to pace the flow of the story while still keeping it soft overall. cause i don’t feel like writing a super super hot n filthy sex scene that’s charged and exhilarating and just a fucking blur of fucking. i wanna write feely, emotional sex. an aching intimate exchange of trust between them, still laced w hesitance and anxiety and sheer disbelief that this is really happening and that they can have this. both of them express unwavering consideration for each other’s comfort, constantly asking for consent and reassuring the other that “yes, i want this. yes, that feels good. yes yes yes.” they’re both taking careful, yet still enthusiastic, steps together. TENDERNESS is my ultimate goal here.

so yeah anyway i’ll try to keep thinking about this and hopefully i can actually come up w some ideas that i wanna implement into whatever this fic eventually becomes. just haven’t had enough time.... or horniess.... to get down to some real brainstorming yet lmao

[zoemurph]

this bites, chapter three

on ao3 1 | 2

happy spook! i have lots of regrets

also? please dont expect much from this. im actually sick right now and it took a lot to get this finished and its horrible in some places but the other day i promised myself i would post on halloween so...here we are. even tho its been....a bad night and it feels really wrong to post right now...here are some vampire kids

my friends know their influences

enjoy

Zoe twists her hands together. This never gets any easier. She’s done it dozens of times but—

She takes a deep breath.

The door opens and Connor is the first one out. She grabs his arm.

Connor jumps. “God, Zoe! Don’t do that!”

“Alana?” she asks, digging her fingers into his arm.

Connor pulls the two of them away from the doorway. “Talking to the teacher, why?”

Zoe makes a frustrated sound and Connor’s eyes go wide.

“Oh. Fuck, right now?”

“Better now than later,” Zoe mutters.

Connor runs his hand through his hair. “Shit, she’ll probably be out in a minute.”

“Right. Okay.” Zoe takes a shaky breath.

Connor sighs. “You were so confident about this the other day, what the fuck happened?”

“I realized that I’m actually doing this,” Zoe hisses.

“That do it,” he says flatly, pulling his arm out of her grasp. “Up to you. I didn’t want to tell her.”

“Tell who what?” Alana asks.

Zoe freezes.

Connor rolls his eyes. “Zo wanted to tell you something. I told Ev I’d help him with an essay, so I’m leaving. Have fun.” He bumps his shoulder against Zoe’s as he passes by and whispers “Have fun” into her ear.

Zoe’s stomach churns.

Alana watches Connor disappear into the crowd of people before turning back to Zoe. She gives Zoe a confused look. “What did you want to tell me?”

Zoe looks around. There are too many people, so many ears. And it’s high school. “Not…not here.”

Alana blinks. “Okay. Where would be…better?”

Zoe hesitates. Her first instinct is to offer her house, but that’s a terrible idea because there’s no escape there. Also she does not need her mother swooping in during this. She didn’t exactly clear this with her parents. “Follow me,” she says, grabbing Alana’s hand and hoping her own isn’t too sweaty.

Zoe weaves through the sea of students rushing to get out of the building, looking for any abandoned classroom she can get. While most are devoid of students, a lot have teacher sitting at desks, working on computers, correcting papers, regretting life choices, normal after school teacher things.

She walks past a darkened classroom and jerks to a stop before taking a few steps back and glancing inside. She drops Alana’s hand.

“Zoe?” Alana asks.

The door is closed, but no one is there. Zoe tries the handle. Not locked yet. Perfect. “In here,” Zoe says, gesturing for Alana to follow.

Zoe doesn’t think she’s ever had a class in this room before, even though she passes it daily. Sunlight streams in from the windows on the outside wall, bathing half the room in orange light with the setting sun. Fall means early sunsets and Zoe can’t wait until the days are practically night. She moves along the edge of the room, staying in the more shadowy parts of the room.

Alana hesitates by the doorway. “Should I…close the door?”

Zoe swallows and nods. “Yeah that’s a good idea.”

Alana closes the door and puts her bag down on a desk. “Is everything alright, Zoe?”

“Why would something be wrong?”

She shakes her head. “You’re acting strange. You have been for a few days. Did something happen?”

Zoe forces a laugh. Yeah, something did happen. Over one hundred and fifty years ago. “Nothing new,” she promises.

Alana frowns. “Are you sure?”

“It’s fine,” Zoe promises. “I just…” She takes a breath. She’s rehearsed these words hundreds of times. She’s said them dozens of times. She said them only a few months ago when she confirmed it for Jared and Evan. This shouldn’t be too bad.

She feels like she’s going to throw up.

She just needs to say it.

“Zoe?” Alana asks softly.

Zoe opens her mouth because she should just be able to say it. “I really like you!”

Those were the wrong words.

“And I’m a vampire,” Zoe adds quickly, panic building. “Those are two things, thought you should know them and I have to go now so it’s fine I’m just going to—” She rushes past Alana, throwing open the door and hurrying out in the hallway.

That literally could not have gone worse.

—«·»—

Jared is standing at Zoe’s locker. Zoe slows down as she gets closer, trying to seem as casual as possible. “What are you doing here?” she asks. She nudges him out of the way so she can unlock it.

He looks back down at his phone. “Waiting for you.”

Zoe frowns. “Why?”

“Immortal emo phase told me things were going down.” Jared raises his eyebrows a few times. “Figured I’d be there as a shoulder to lean on.” He elbows her.

Zoe rolls her eyes. “Why would I need a shoulder to lean on?”

“I wasn’t talking about you,” Jared clarified. “I was talking about Alana. It’s probably really tough when you find out the girl you’re in love with is an undead immortal bloodsucking monster.”

“Wow.” Zoe pulls her umbrella out of her locker. At least one of them is treating this like a joke. “Why are you offering your shoulder, you’re gay.”

Jared gives her an offended look. “It’s a platonic shoulder!”

Zoe stares at him for a moment before turning back to her locker.

“Where is Alana anyway? I figured she’d be talking your ear off.”

Zoe doesn’t look at him. “She’s…somewhere. I don’t know.”

“Okay, ominous bullshit. We’re doing great. Thanks, Zo.”

Zoe scowls. “Why are you here?” she snaps, turning to him. “Other than to be annoying?”

Jared gives her a flat look. “Because I’m your friend. And you spent the day freaking out. Plus, Connor told me to make sure you don’t leave without him.”

“Of course,” Zoe mutters.

“One because your his ride home and two because he’s your brother and does actually care about you under all the assholeness and bullshit.” Jared shrugs. “If it doesn’t go well he wants to know that you’re okay. Or something. Evan was reading him better than I was but he can’t be here because they’re off working on an essay and being nerds, so who knows.”

Zoe closes her locker door. “Fine. I’ll wait. But he needs to hurry up I don’t want to be here for longer than I need to be.”

“I already texted him a few death threats,” Jared says. “The classics. Stake through the heart. Beheading. All the good stuff. They should be here in a few.”

Zoe leans against her locker. “Great.”

As they wait, Zoe feels her phone vibrate a few times in her pocket, but she ignores it. She just fiddles with her car keys as Jared plays a game on his phone.

She’s usually better at this. More levelheaded. Not so…nervous.  

She also usually doesn’t run out.

“We’re here,” Connor announces, turning the corner. He has his sunglasses on the top of his head and his hat in his hands. “Let’s get out of this place.”

Zoe pushes off the locker. The fact that Connor doesn’t even have to ask her says a lot about how she must look right now. Evan keeps giving her nervous glances.

“Evan coming?” she asks as she pulls her sunglasses from the side of her backpack.

Jared snorts. “‘Evan coming?’” he mocks. “How is that a question.”

Evan turns red and Connor lowers his sunglasses.

Zoe shakes her head. “Let’s just go. I have to study for music theory.”

As they reach the entrance, Connor puts on his hat and Zoe opens her umbrella. She does have homework, but she’s also considering just going to bed. Being undead doesn’t mean she doesn’t get tired.

Zoe almost drops her keys when she sees Alana standing by her car.

“Shotgun,” Connor says as soon as he spots her. Evan elbows him.

“Hi,” Alana says quickly when they get closer. “I…figured this was a good place to wait for you.”

Zoe nods slowly. “That…makes sense.”

“You’re…” Alana looks from Zoe to Connor. “You’re both…”

“Dead?” Connor offers.

“Isn’t it more accurate to say undead?” Alana asks.  

“Welcome to the club,” Jared says. “It’s surprisingly lame.”

Her eyes widen. “Oh my god, I am so sorry I didn’t even think— if they hadn’t known—”

“Connor wouldn’t have said anything,” Zoe interrupts. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. Evan and Jared have known for a few months now.”

“How did Evan find out?” Alana asks.

Evan and Connor exchange a glance.

“L-long story,” Evan mutters, looking away pointedly.

“Okay…” Alana says slowly. “What about Jared?”

“I asked him ‘Why do you wear black all the time? What are you, some emo vampire?’” Jared explains.

“And I replied ‘I’m also a power-bottom,’” Connor finishes.

Zoe makes a face and whacks his arm. Connor doesn’t even flinch.

Jared nods. “And I said ‘TMI, corpse’ and we moved on.”

Alana furrows her eyebrows. “I… There are so many questions.”

Connor raises an eyebrow at Zoe. “We can try to answer them. Just not…here.”

Zoe takes a shallow breath. “Yeah. If you…aren’t busy? Evan’s already coming over.”

Jared scoffs. “I’m coming too, I just happen to have my own car.”

“I still have shotgun,” Connor says, pulling open the passenger side door.

Evan shakes his head and climbs into the backseat.

Jared gives Zoe a two finger salute and says, “I’ll race you” before walking over to his car.

Zoe looks back to Alana. “You aren’t mad, right?” she asks softly.

Alana gives her a nervous smile. “No it’s just…a lot.”

“Yeah it’s…that. I’m,” Zoe tucks her hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay,” Alana promises. She reaches out and squeezes Zoe’s hand. “Thank you for telling me.”   

Zoe bites the inside of her cheek. “Of course.”

[omgshesbpd-blog]

TGIM (Thank god it’s Monday)

Can I tell you a secret? 

I hate the weekends, I really do. 

Every week I mentally prepare myself for those two days of freedom but I am always left feeling unprepared. 

I need to work.

I need a routine. 

I need a schedule.

A sense of purpose. 

Something to live for. 

Something to distract me from myself otherwise I just go into a full existential crisis.

Yesterday was a complete disaster, I was ill prepared for my two days of “tranquillity”, my “break”. I woke up after a lovely sleep, only to be hit with “Oh F**K. What am I going to do today??” 

I tried to be normal and just live in the moment but ended up catastrophising myself into a panic attack. 

I reached out to this poor guy who I have only seen a handful of times to come round, just for an hour just so I didn’t feel alone, scaring him away completely with my desperate “this is literally life or death for me, you don’t understand”.

See, he made the mistake of being there for me. He told me after I shared stories of my scars and he had witnessed a low, that I could talk to him anytime and he would be there. 

Boy, did I cling to that.

I am going to share with you the desperate messages I sent him, that humiliate me because I believe it is important for anyone with or dating someone with BPD to know how desperate BPD can be, how intense the emotions feel and how they take over, but also so you can see what someone without BPD goes through when the BPD’er is having an episode. 

When formatting my messages, each time I start a new line represents a new message I sent after he saw my messages and didn’t write back. I have also left all the spelling and gramatical errors in there so you can see how the desperation came accross in my messages, just getting it out as quickly as I could while he was still willing to listen. 

Context: I had had a rough Tuesday and we were meant to see each other on Thursday so I was holding out for it to relieve myself of my shit feelings as he became my chosen comfort person. Only thing is, he canceled, so not only did I not have my release, I started getting intense paranoia about being abandoned and... Well... I got weird. Then I would try and backtrack and not be weird, but it was weird. That weirdness fed my paranoia even more, so I was more concerned about being abandoned, and so on, so forth. 

FUN TIMES!!

The messages are intense, I know I sound crazy, and please, please don’t judge me; I’m hard enough on myself as it is hah. 😬

Here we go...

Me: this whole awkwardness is really annoying me but you won't let me see you to sort it out and reset haha so its just going to get worse until it gets to the point you legit just don't want to see me again which would be such a shame  you can't spare an hour at all this weekend? Just an hour, is all I need

Him: What awkwardness lol

M: the awkwardness I am feeling that is making me desperately want to see you so I can reset. Its manifested for me and I legit just need to see your face to reset and then I will be fine but atm I'm verging on playing push-pull games to get reactions because this situation that you might not feel is fucking with my head a little haha. Its only an hour of your time but would help me heaps

H: I just don't know where all this is coming from. You can play push pull games but it won't work. What's the situation??

M: yea because you can't understand it, honestly it is weird, I know. If you want to be friends and ease me of this, it would be really nice if you could please see me super quick. It would just alleviate so much of this crap I have built up inside that I can't put into words and would mean a lot to me. Please?

H: Just say to me now what you're feeling ill out you at ease

M: I told you tho it needs to be face to face, it doesn't work when i am reading my interoperation of you, it needs to be from you. if it is my interpretation of you than that is sculpted by my bias and insecurities because there is no tone in your words through text.

H: You're scared that I'm  going to disappear and because we haven't seen each other/ don't know when were going to see each other you feel lost and abandoned? Is that it?

M: yea but not in a because I have feelings for you and want to be with you kind of way, in a because you have in-printed on me kind of way and you matter. Your reply can be as reassuring as you can possibly make it but in my head, you not being willing to sacrifice an hour of your time to reassure me with actions in a way that words cant is just reconfirming that shit negative feeling for me. It's a tiny little action for you but a massive result for me, please?

You don't understand what it feels like, either. It is constantly on my mind and it actually hurts in my chest because of the anxiety I get and I am so wound up and fritzing out and it is driving my nuts that I want to just cut ties so I don't have to think about it, but I can't cut ties, all I can do is drive you away but I don't want to do that

I'm really trying here to change my behaviours. its so hard tho

H: I'm just heading out. I'll call you later?

M: my pulse is 103, I think I am about to have a panic attack. Usually an attack is an outlet for me so hopefully it will all figure itself out and I will just deal with it myself

I can't keep doing this forever, I can't keep working this hard. I just don't have the energy or resilience for it

You said you were my friend and always had time for people that needed it. I trusted you and I asked for your time and help, but you are making me go through it alone

H: Sorry I can't be there right now! Are you ok??

M: No

Im not. 

Im so tired of fighting myself

It's over now, my pulse is back down to 65. Fuck that is hard to go through, I have so much pain in my chest that I want to turn it into a physical pain that I can understand. I picture getting a knife and cutting deep into my flesh, watching the skin open up and the blood come out and if fills me with relief, tranquility. I don't want to tell people this because I don't want them to call the cops on me, but I am too scared to be by myself when I feel like that becasue I'm afraid oneday I will be too exhausted to stop myself from doing it, it is so taxing, it really drains me. I used to hit myself with a hammer so it would bruise and then poke the bruises when I was winding down so it would hurt, but not as much as when I first did it, which was beautifully inline with how my emotions felt; strong, but not as strong as when it first happened. I talked to my dr about it and he said to grab ice and hold it in my hands until it hurts as a safer alternative. I did it just then and it worked but now my hands are warm again and the feeling is bubbling up, there is no bruise to poke and I feel a bit lost. I guess I will just try holding onto ice for lesser periods? Sorry if that is TMI, but that is what it is like. It is that powerful.

I am still feeling really vulnerable and I need you to see me today please if you can make it happen because I am splitting a little bit with you, which is where the way I feel has changed. Justified or not, I feel really let down that I went through that just before and you hadn't heard me over the past few days when I said I wanted to see you. If this is all too much for you, then this is a good time for it to naturally end, the way I see you will change and that could be your exit? but if you don't want to tap out, then I do need to see you because I am hurt and it is legit the only way I can dissociate you from the pain I just had. Like I said, it is only an hour and substitutes wont work. I hope you are willing to do it

H: I think this is all a bit too much for me I'm sorry! But I feel really had for you as you're obviously fighting a rough battle But it's something I find hard to be a part of at the moment

M: That is really dissapointing.

H: But I will happily talk and try to help you feel better as i feel bad for how shit you're feeling!

M: I hope you never have to experience this sort of pain, and I hope if you do, the people you talk to about it don't ditch you because of it.

I told you I need to see you, it is one hour. I can't talk to you if you're not even willing to do that. It feels dirty to me

One hour, I really just can't believe it isn't something you are willing to give.

You say that inner pain is harmless because it doesn't affect other people, but then I tell you what true inner pain feels like and you ostracise me for it and make me feel like I am mental or you think I am going to hurt you or something.

Im so shocked

H: I'm out with friends at the moment. I feel trapped honestly

M: there is 11.5 more hours left of the day.

H: I feel that if I see you this is continue and will be a vicious circle

M: this is a wway more vicious way to leave things than seeing me for an hour to part amacably would be. do you know how scarred I am going to feel for this? I am embarrased and ashamed that I shared smething so personal and this is the consequenc. I feel sick about it, I will have to carry this wih me because you are too scared to face the uncomfortablity of feeling trapped enough to just come say goodbye and part on good terms.

H: You're jumping to conclusions

M: No, I am telling you how I feel. You don't want to see me today to give me the reasurance i need because the way I have acted has made you feel trapped. your decision is a consequence to my actions.

H: I would like to come and make you feel better but how you're acting comes across to me  as  manipulative

M: You just said that you don't want to come over because this is too much for you? I am not being manipulative, I am saying it honestly from my perspective. I am being bias because I know that you coming over would make me feel better going forward than you not coming over, so I am really fighting for it, but I am not being manipulative or using trickery to do so, I am trying to be completely honest and open with why I feel so strongly to the point where I feel like I need you to come over

I am not trying to get my way because I want to win and I hate not getting my way. I am trying to encourage you to come over because I am aware of what you have to lose by coming over is a lot less to lose than what I would if you don't come over. I want you to take that risk and I am trying to convey exactly what it is that I feel so you are able to have the full considerations of both sides when you are weighing up if you come over or not. That is not manipulative, it is my reality.

What time can you please come around?

please?

Please please

Pleeeeeeeeeeeese

It is really important to me

H: I may be able to pop round later. But don't hold out on plans. Is your friend coming over tonight?

M: I haven't heard from them but this is important to me so I can fit it in before or after they come over. It's my old flatmate and we are doing some coding so he will be gone by 7ish anyways

you think it would be before or after 7?

H: I think I'm going to struggle to make it today tbh

M: Why? You're in control of your own life, right? So can't you just fit an hour in somewhere?

H: Can we just talk on the phone and then have a proper chat next week

M: I told you, that won't work for me. Honestly I really can't grasp why you won't be able to make it? You have deemed something else more important, that's fine, but that's what it is

H: As it's a lot of change in just 24hrs. One minute you're happy to go and hang out and sleep with someone else (which is cool) and the next you're saying we have to meet today. If you're feeling really shitty I will take time out of my day to help you and speak to you on the phone as want to do that. What can I possibly do in an hour that'll settle you?

M: Its not really much change in 24hours, I have been telling you since weds how rough I was finding things, then you cancelled on Thursday, and then fri i tried to find something else to distract me, and today was just to much. I can't explain what would happen but I know myself to know it will help, please don't try and convince me it won't.

H: Your emotions seem to be really affected by me and it's freaking me out

M: they are not about you. if you want to be freked out and turn this into something about you, that is fine. I told you going in who I am, how I think, I sent you videos that explain why It think how I do, why it's not personal, and how it can be confusing. I have been completely honest and you told me I could trust you, now when it actually matters, you bail. That is really weak, I feel. I am weak within myself, but I try hard to be strong. I don't feel like you are trying at all to be strong for someone else and I am gutted I believed you

I know you want me to give you an out, to say something that goes a little too far so you can justify saying no to me, but I'm not going to do that. If you don't want to come round, that isn't because of me, it is because you don't want to

H: I don't want you  to say that

M: Don't want me to say what?

H: Say something harsh so I have an excuse

M: So tell me that you don't want to come round, or come round? i don't understand why it is complicated?

H: I wanted to come round. But I feel if I come round you will want me to help you and calm you down a lot. I don't think I can be that person to be relied on, I'm finding it tough now as it is. I don't think I can help you on the long runI think you need someone better than me and more well suited. And I know you're going to say we're just friends and I just need to calm down but why out of all your friends do you want me specifically to come over and help? I don't want you to feel shitty and I genuinely do want to help but I think I've already done more damage than I even meant to

M: Can you just trust me please and come round. You are making assumptions on how you think I am but honestly your assumptions are wrong. please, please just take a chance, trust me, and come around. Please Name. I don't have other friends I can talk to because I talk to people and they freak out and I lose them, so I don't talk to them - I thought you were different because you could handle what I was telling you, you didn't take it personally, you were mindful about it. I am getting help, you know I am, so you aren;t going to be my long term fix but you need to understand that if you are making the choice to not come around, it is for you, to look after yourself, not me. You aren't allowed to make decisions for me, I don't need "looking after", I need the benefit of the doubt that I do know what is best for me.

H: What is up that you seriously need to talk about? I will come if you just tell me

M: I just need the human connection, Name. Fuck, I can't explain it, I don't want you to have to convince you, I just need a person so I am not alone, just for one hour I just want to feel safe

I want to feel like I matter, that someone wants to be around me. I want a physical person being the evidence that my thoughts about myself and where I stand on this earth are a lie, I dont know how to put it in words, I just need it.

H: I don't understand as your friend is coming around in like an hour or two

M: Theyre not, I haven't heard from them, and its not the same. You said if I told you the truth, that you would come around, I told you the truth. 

Are you coming around or was my truth not a good enough reason for you?

"I will come if you just tell me"

And I told you.

Please?

H: I said I'll come if you tell me, so I’ll come over.

And he did. Poor guy, amirite? I feel so embarrassed and gross about this all, it is exactly why I am getting treatment because it is too much for me and the people around me to have to live with. 

This is me with some sense of awareness, you can only imagine how bad it used to be when I was completely ignorant to myself. A wake of distruction, I have just had so many incomprehensible actions and reactions in my past that will make you want to shake me and yell “WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU??”

With time, I hope to cover them all. 

The worst thing about BPD is feeling alone, I don’t want anyone else to feel alone, so if you can identify with me, please follow me and also share any resources you have that can help point me in the right direction for a happy life.

To prevent this from happening again, I think I am going to write a list of “crisis activities” as things I can do when I feel like I have nothing to do, but right now it is 12.40pm Sunday, I only have to be awake for 7 more hours until I can go to sleep for Monday and I don’t want to have to keep working on it. So, I think I am going to get day drunk.