#sorry for the loooong reply and rambling.

[ancha-aus]

@somegrumpynerd Lmao! Don't worry about it.

I for one am always down for a chat about either Lore, worldbuilding or characters :3

I love the many ways these fanon canon characters have come into show and I have my own headcanons about it but I won't ramble too much. Hihi, normally i remain either in the tags or comments as i try not to highjack posts but I figured I couldn't sends like 60 comments to get some points across. (more under the read more)

It is just, the more i read on these two (I am on a Kist binge and am rotating them in my head) I just keep seeing more and more reasons that both would both hate each other, but also reasons why they would just want to be near each other.

At first, obviously, the hate.

Hate is easy, for both of them hate is easier now than it ever was before. it is a 'safe' emotion to feel and both feel like it is deserved. as you said. "How dare this guy do this/that".

For Dust it is also that Killer agreed to work with chara, while he fought and resisted before making the ultimate decision to grow stronger to fully stop them and well, we see how that ended for dust.

And for killer the other way, probably at first not even the emotions per se but like. Dust is wicked powerful (at least in my mind) and Killer would be so annoyed that all dust does is just shrug and try to disassociate.

Hell maybe at first Killer just wanted to see somekind of reaction, he likes when stuff happens and change because then he is bus and has entertainment! (and he doesn't have to think about the fact that he can't feel right anymore. that he is too broken and messed up beyond the point of return.)

And... well... as time passes. Their hatred changes. It gets worse but also more self loathing.

Dust sees that Killer is able too move on. He accepted his past and just lets it rest. Dust needs that and he can't do it (it isn't in him) and he hates that Killer can just look at what he did and just not care about it. Dust hates it but he would love to be able to have that inner peace. to be able to look forwards and just be instead of having to ignore the voices of all those he hurt, as they keep reminding him just what he did and what kind of horrible person he is for doing it. and Dust can only find it in himself to agree. (which, shows up as him just laying around, being depressed and sad, and disassociating). Dust just wants to be able to not regret everything for one day and he can't and he hates that Killer can do it so easily.

And then there is Killer! Killer who can't feel right anymore. Hell maybe he sometimes has this very specific feeling where he just feels how wrong his body feels, his soul is outside his body. Hell even when in the multiverse he doesn't see that. Killer knows he can loose himself to a stage three and just, lose days upon days of his life and wake up with no memory of it. being left to wonder what he did or said or anything. (or worse that there is someone in his past that he will never be free from). and then there is Dust! Dust who managed to win wihtout having to sell his soul and work with them. Dust who is still himself and who knows ever decision he made was his. How dare he just mope around?! Killer would Kill (eeeyyy) for that!

I think... That as you said it would take a lot of fighting. But somewhere Killer at first hates that Dust can aparently match him when he is in stage three... but maybe over time. it reassures Killer, because even if he looses his mind Dust can stop him. it is a safety net Killer didn't expect to get.

The other way, Dust probably eventually finds it reassuring that Killer just isn't like anyone he ever met before. Killer is such a one of a kind type of guy that Dust finds reassurance in the fact that Killer doesn't remind him of anyone.

Knowing them? They are both probably angry about this discovery at first. Killer doesn't WANT to like Dust! (for all the before mentioned reasons). and Dust would feel terrible that he is starting to like someone who wasn't like the people he knew before (what? Are the people he had before in his life not good enough anymore?)

again, I think they way their friendship or whatever relationship they have could work. But both would have to deal with a lot of emotions and self-hatred before being able to connect as people. They could be good for each other in that way!

But also once those two became friends you know that they were menaces and so many things were destoryed.

It's interesting to think about how, to me at least, Dust and Killer are like mirror versions of each other.

One who joins a villain enthusiastically, jumps at the chance to leave his past behind and have a purpose again, and the other who has to be dragged in, would rather rot in the consequences of his own actions.

One who needs orders, needs the distraction and the action and the thrill, can't sit alone with his thoughts for too long lest he hear them clearly, and the other who can't bring himself to ignore the ghost over his shoulder, would rather sit in place and listen to his own self loathing parroted back at him than stand up and find a way to drown it out.

One who doesn't associate with his past anymore, that wasn't me and I wasn't him, and cannot stand the thought of going back from where he came, and the other who wants nothing more than to be his old self again but feels so strongly that he doesn't deserve to return to the life he tore down himself.

They both wear their new names like dog collars, but one is a gift given by someone else because he's theirs, he has somewhere he belongs that he's expected to return to, and the other is a choker tying him to a post, warning others of his danger while never allowing him to get out of arm's reach of his past.

And getting them both back-to-back while trying to understand mortals was probably enough to give Nightmare whiplash

[aroacesafeplaceforall]

Hi, hello! I have very recently realised I'm on the aro and ace spectrums and I'd like to scream a bit into the void about my experience. It's been confusing and difficult to understand, it took me literal years and and actual relationship to come to terms with it (it didn't help the fact I enjoy the concept of romance, in fiction, and I consume some kinds of erotic contents).

This will probably be long, I'm sorry, synthesis is not my strongest skill and it's the first time I try and piece this all together.

I've quietly being questioning for a long time, quietly because I tried SO hard not to think about the voice at the back of my head whispering something wasn't ok.

I always identified as lesbian but it never felt quite right. It was always a "if I have to choose between men and women then I'll choose women, they are prettier" I never really felt sexual attraction, it's something I understood very recently. Looking at women or men gives me nothing. I don't want to date them nor to have sex with them just because I think they are pretty and it shocked me to understand people actually do feel that way, that's not just some exaggeration you see in films. Also I had some people complaining to me they didn't get laid in months (or more) and I always felt "???? And? Can't you masturbate? Isn't it basically the same?" and apparently it's not. It baffled me to realise it.

I've been in a romantic relationship for 2+ years, it started well I guess but the more time passed the more I felt suffocating. My partner required and (I think rightfully so) demanded a lot of romantic attentions, but for me it was exhausting. I tried and tried to give them what they asked, I did my best but never quite managed to give what was required of me and at the same time my requests to have more space and less romantic interactions where met with confusion because "were together" and the romanticism was expected. Sleeping together (non sexual), holding hands, kissing, were all expected of me and I felt so SO wrong for not wanting or needing any of that. I realized I felt deep affection (I don't know a good english word for what I actually feel) for my partner but not actual love. I know for sure it was not romantic love. And again I felt wrong. I felt ashamed and guilty for not reciprocating. I ended the relationship and started a self discovery journey that lasted a year or so.

I ended up here after realising I may be aromantic and it blew my mind.

I felt seen and understood, I browsed the links on your pinned and I couldn't believe it when I actually found labels that felt right for the first time. I'm not exaggerating when I say I cried. I'm not alone in what I experience and I feel right for the first time in a loooong time. I finally make sense to myself and I'm at peace.

So, after all this long rambling, thank you for your blog and your pinned, for your posts and the awareness you're spreading, it helped me and I'm sure it will help many others!

I wish the best to you and everyone stumbling upon this post 💚

Hey Anon! Sorry for the late reply, tumblr hates me rn.

I have to say I nearly cried reading this, holy fudge anon. You are amazing and you've done so much. I'm so so so proud and happy for you. You're finding yourself and thats about the bravest and most amazing thing anyone can do <3

Stay safe Anon, and remember you are always valid

[x-ximenas]

Midnight (Pt.1)

Prompt: Midnight - 5SOS. Future parts are linked to other songs so...

Pairing: Female!Reader/Roger Taylor

Warnings: Alcohol consumption, mentions of sex (I don’t go in full detail, but there are big innuendos)  and my terrible grammar and punctuation remember English’s not my first language.

Word Count: 3,291 words

A/N: This has been on my drafts for a loooong while, but I never had the guts to post it, nor the time to do something about it, so I’m a little rusty -as mentioned in my Nikki Sixx bit- but I’m trying.  Also, if you liked this bit, I’d love to hear some comments! If you’d like to be added to a taglist for upcoming parts comment, dm me, ask me… just communicate with me!

A/N pt.2: Like most of the time, I took a few literary liberties, there are some movie things, there’s some real stuff, so... yeah.

A/N pt.3: If you’re looking to read some Brian stuff, I have a multipart story (pt. 1, pt. 2) -sadly not finished- but if you read it and like it I’ll do my best to do something about it.

// Part 2 //

———————————————————————————————————–

Smile, shake hands, leave.

She crossed one leg over the other just to uncross them again and cross them once more. She repeated this process a couple of times before settling with crossing her legs by the ankles. Now, she started tapping her fingers in a rhythm that sounded familiar, but she couldn’t quite make out so she stopped to look down at her hands that were resting over her lap, rings adorning almost every finger, heaving she started to play with the one that was on her index.

“Everything’s alright, miss?” asked the kind taxi driver who had been watching her fidget through the rearview mirror.

“Yes, thanks.” She quickly replied, too quickly.

“You got a date?” The driver inquired.

“No.”

“Oh, I thought, considering your nervousness.” He added.

“Oh, no, I’m just… I don’t know, having second thoughts, maybe I-”

“Do you want me to drop you back from where I picked you up?” He asked.

“No, no, no, I’m fine, thanks though.” She smiled.

“No problems, miss.”

She sighed, leaning back on the cab’s leather backseat, folding her arms one over the other as she stared out the window. Like she just told the driver, Y/N was -indeed- having second thoughts, completely regretting telling her friends a thing as she was now forced to actually go to the pub where he was performing. She should’ve turned down his offer right away, he was too drunk and too tired to even know what he was saying:

“Come to my next show, love, you’ll have fun.” He tried to persuade her. She almost didn’t catch what he had said from how slurred the words were, but in the end, she did.

“What?” Was all she managed to say, but he had already fallen asleep, he didn’t hear a thing.

“Miss?” The driver said.

“Yes?” Y/N answered, snapping out of her daydream.

“We’re already here, miss.”

“Oh, thanks. How much is it for the drive?” she asked, rummaging through her purse.

“5 pounds, miss.” He answered.

“Here you go -she handed him the money-, thanks!” She told him, climbing off the car.

Smile, shake hands, leave.

She smoothed out her off-the-shoulders red top and pulled down the ends of her high-waisted shorts that had ridden up when she was sitting down. With a mumble of a curse she walked into the pub, the smell of cigarettes and booze hitting her immediately, she straightened her shoulders and tried to stand on her tiptoes and find her friends but the first thing she caught sight of was a certain blond getting friendly with some random brunette, averting her eyes she kept on looking until she found the small group sitting on a booth.

“Y/N! For a moment I thought you might have bailed on us” Kat mocked with a smirk.

“I couldn’t, I was responsible for this gathering after all” Y/N mumbled with a tight smile.

“Wow, what got your knickers in a twist” Donna practically yelled, hitting Y/N on the arm.

“Nothing, I just didn’t feel like coming after all” Y/N mumbled annoyed.

“But you sounded so excited when you told us earlier this morning, you said they’re really good!” Kat questioned slightly surprised.

“Yeah, I just- I don’t know…” Y/N mumbled once more, looking into the distance, her eyes fixed on the blond man, who was getting dangerously close to the brunette’s face just to pull away with a satisfied grin.

“I’m going for a drink” Y/N told her friends, leaving them dumbfounded.

Smile, shake hands, leave.

Y/N tried to squeeze herself between spaces, not minding to excuse herself when she walked in the middle of someone’s conversation, all that she needed at the moment was a drink, straight -no soda water, nothing- just a straight shot of whatever she can get her hands on.

Suddenly she bumped into someone, she was about to tell them off but she stayed quiet when she saw who it was:

“Roger?” she swallowed thickly.

He didn’t even bother on answering, he just kept on walking towards the side of the stage, the guitarist next to him, Brian she recalled from their conversations

“Don’t be rude, Rog.” Brian said, but he didn’t manage to stop Roger from walking. “Sorry.” He mouthed, Y/N shrugged.

“What can I get you, love?” Ben, the bartender asked Y/N, she already knew the man, she vented to him every once in a while.

“Two shots of whatever.” Y/N replied, Ben just stared at her with worry.

“Two shots of whatever it is then.” He said, pulling out two shot glasses, filling them with vodka and as soon as he was done with his job Y/N downed them in a single breath before slapping a bill on the bar.

“Thanks, now can you give me my usual, please?” She asked.

“Bad day?” Ben asked her, preparing her drink.

“Not really, the early morning was great, but now not so great, truth be told. I always get down with the same shit, you know?” Ben just hummed in response, putting her drink in front of her, and before she could pay he shook his head, declining the money.

“It’s on the house, you need it, love.” He winked and she smiled, returning to the booth where her friends were sitting.

“Hey, there you are! We thought you might have left, we wouldn’t have blamed you, love.” Kat stated, Y/N shrugged her off.

“I’ll be fine, thanks for worrying, girls.” Y/N told them, grabbing both girls’ hands. The three girls kept chatting, sharing laughs and staring at both girls and boys, making Donna noticeably flustered.

All that Roger could do was stare from a distance with a scowl and a pout, his arms crossed over his chest not really paying mind to what Brian was telling him, his focus on Y/N who even from where he was standing could see that behind those laughs and giggles she was off. What a prick.

“Roger! What’s wrong with you tonight? First the incident with the girl back there and now you’re not even listening to me.” Brian threw his arms upwards in exasperation as he let out a huff.

“Wait for me here.” Roger stated.

“Wh-What?”

Roger was decided to talk to Y/N, apologise for being a shithead, and almost as if she felt his gaze, their eyes met. Y/N furrowed her brows, one eyebrow being considerably higher than the other in inquiry, her smile died and her laughter did as well, and even in the pub’s shitty light he could tell that her eyes had a mix of confusion and anger that no matter how hard she tried to push down, she wasn’t able to keep it there.

“I’ll be right back” Y/N mumbled, never taking her eyes off of him, Kat and Donna shared glances before nodding in acknowledgement.

Just like before, Y/N made her way through the mass of bodies in an attempt to get to something, this time being Roger and not alcohol. Meanwhile, Roger was doing the same, but unlike Y/N he wasn’t angry nor in a bad mood to not say excuse me and sorry every once in a while, making him slower in the task of meeting Y/N in the middle. Suddenly he realised that Y/N had already reached his place and before he could even open his mouth to even say anything Y/N beat him to it:

“What?” She’s annoyed, he thought, fuck.

“I –he paused in contemplation– I was wondering what were you doing here, ‘s all” That’s the way to go, Rog, he mentally reprimanded himself.

“You- I- Fuck- You don’t remember, do you?” Y/N sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose, “I should’ve known better than to come, I’ll leave, see you later tonight, unless you leave with the brunette then don’t bother on coming to my place.” Y/N rambled, less annoyed, now she felt hurt and stupid, indeed she should have known better.

Y/N didn’t even let Roger answer her question –not like she needed an answer–, she just walked away, holding herself, her back no longer straightened as it was when she got there to confront him, her body posture screamt insecurity.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She closed her flat’s door with a sad sigh, she ran one hand through her hair out of habit as the other turned the lights on. She felt so stupid for believing even for just one moment that Roger actually could remember what he had told her that same day many hours ago but more than that, she felt stupid for actually going and getting excited over it. They might see each other every other night, but they’ve never seen each other so publicly, around their friends; their meeting place was her place, especially because Y/N was too afraid to have the guts to go to his flat just to find another girl on her side of the bed.

Every time that she felt that she got considerably closer to him he seemed to push her away or to not recall or mean what he said less than 24 hours before. The worst part of it all is that she didn’t mind the grey area she was in, she was so in love with the thought of him –no, with him– that she was happy with the few things that he gave her, with the reassuring words, with the slurred words before he fell asleep; that was enough for her, but she desired more, she wanted to wake up with him still by her side, to have him around when the light was provided by the sun and not the stars and moon. But she took what little she could get, the chances he unconsciously gave her, like tonight. Except tonight was a mess and she wished that it never happened.

She left the pub just before their first set ended, wanting to listen and enjoy the music, to feel it pumping through her veins, to catch on Freddie’s excitement; so she did, she stayed but not long enough so that Roger could catch her before she left, before he could convince her to stay up for him. But apparently that wasn’t enough, because a knock on her front door made her jump and the man standing on the other side was the last person she wanted to see but also the person she needed beside her the most.

“Roger, wha-” Y/N tried to say, but her sentence was cut short by Roger grabbing her face and brushing his lips against hers, trying to test the waters before truly diving into a kiss.

Y/N was flabbergasted, for a moment she wasn’t sure of what she had to do, but in the end she caved in, her eyes fluttered close and her hands flew to the neck of his open shirt, pulling him closer to her, his hands moving from her face to the small of her back one travelling down further to grab her ass. That slow movement made Y/N gasp, Roger smirked triumphantly at her reaction, taking the opportunity given he decided to nudge her tongue with his, said action was received gratefully by Y/N, who started to move them inside the flat instead of the doorway. Roger kicked the door close and now that he was sure he was welcomed into her place he broke off the kiss.

Y/N’s face radiated heat, and if he could press his head to her chest he could be able to listen to the accelerated beat of her heart, her lips were slightly ajar and her eyes were still closed, almost savouring the moment for a few more seconds.

“Y/N, I-” Roger started, but he was cut off by Y/N’s lips.

“Please don’t say a thing.” She mumbled against his lips as her hands were messily working on his shirt’s buttons.

“Y/N! –Roger abruptly pulled apart– I’m trying to apologise”.

“Oh, go ahead then” Y/N replied, her hand instantly going to her clothes, trying to make them presentable, almost as if she hadn’t wanted him to take them off less than a minute ago.

“I shouldn’t have been such an arsehole back there, and I probably –Y/N raised an eyebrow– no, wait, I shouldn’t have asked you why you were doing at the pub, that was a stupid thing to ask, I’m sorry, love” Roger said, cupping her cheek, Y/N leaned unconsciously on the hand resting on her face, taking in its roughness and warmth.

“ ‘s okay.” She answered, Roger just pecked her lips.

But that peck turned into a deeper kiss, Roger –as usual– was leading the kiss, but it didn’t stop Y/N from teasingly pulling on his lower lip, yearning for a reaction of any kind. Roger’s tongue didn’t take long to come out and play, brushing Y/N’s lip, waiting for her to open her mouth; Y/N decided to make him wait a little longer, but Roger didn’t want that, so like last time, his hand dropped down to her ass, grabbing it and slightly massaging it. That action surely did make Y/N gasp, Roger took it as his opportunity to finally fully deepen the kiss.

In an almost déja-vu moment, Y/N’s hands started to busy themselves by untucking and unbuttoning Roger’s shirt, and as soon as the task at hand was done she pushed it off his shoulders, her hands staying on his chest, enjoying the warmth and the constant beat of his heart; but after one of Roger’s hand started to travel inside her shorts she moved her hands up to the back of his neck, pulling at the hair in the back, urging him to do something other than just kiss and tease.

But instead Roger decided to take his hand away, breaking off the kiss for a couple of seconds just to take off her red top, revealing the Rose tattoo that rested on the top of her right breast as well as the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath the garment he had just taken off. His lips started to trail down her neck, a small whine leaving Y/N’s pouted lips as he went lower and lower, sucking a mark right on top of the flower. His hands were travelling up her waist to her chest, cupping them in his rough hands and then one wrapped around the side of her neck, making her gasp.

“Please Roger.” She begged, pulling on his hair.

“Jump.” He said, both hands going down to her ass and to her tight, to make the job of wrapping her legs around him easier.

“Bedroom, Rog, please.” She whined, earning a chuckle from him.

Roger’s lips trailed upwards to meet with hers once again, Y/N moaned into the kiss and Roger just hummed in response, his hips involuntarily thrusting upwards to meet with hers, making them both gasp a little as if they’ve never done this before, like they were teens, like they didn’t play the same games every night, the same scenario and the same scenes.

They enjoyed it anyway, the feel of their bodies pressed against one another, their heavy breathing, the moaning, everything. They lived for it, they savoured each other like they’ve never eaten before.

When they arrived to her room, he realised that he ached for her, never wanting to part. So, without letting go of her he sat down on the edge of the bed, leaving her sitting on top of him, their chests tightly pressed against one another, leaving barely any room between each other –not like they wanted to be apart. So without their kiss breaking, Y/N straightened up, her hands travelling to the button of her shorts, popping it open so she could easily take them off; Roger’s hands quickly travelled to its waistband, ready to help her out of them, but he stopped when he felt her cold fingers fiddling with his belt.

They both took their sweet time at pleasing the other, loving any reaction that came out of their mouths –call it moans, whines, grunts, or the broken versions of their names–, they enjoyed this carnal version of frustration relief, where both of them could stay satisfied with the results. They tried their best to please the other, putting in an effort to relish on the ethereal sounds that could come out of their mouths, whether they were down at their knees –like Y/N was earlier– or with their head between the other’s legs –like Roger tonight.

It always felt as if it all happened incredibly fast, the taste of the other was still lingering on their mouth, leaving a bittersweet feeling that could only be washed away when they see each other the following night.

Now, Y/N was lying comfortably on Roger’s sweaty chest as he drew small random figures on her back, causing goosebumps to erupt all throughout her skin, she felt whole and content with the position she was currently in, not really wanting to think about what will happen before she wakes up later that day. Her head was going a thousand miles an hour, a feeling of regret and pain suddenly settling in her agitated mind so without really putting a lot of thought into it, she blurted out:

“Have you ever thought of the future, Rog?”

He straightened up and cleared his throat, “Yeah, I’ve seen myself with the guys, touring the world, meeting new people, new friends, making more music… “ Even though that wasn’t the direction her question was heading to, she enjoyed the sound of his voice too much to actually interrupt him to clarify.

A silence fell upon them and Y/N took her head off of his chest, deciding to sit up a bit to meet his eyes, the same eyes she was to mad to stare at less than three hours before, the same eyes she searched for when he was sitting behind the drum kit –despite her anger. “That’s not what I meant.” She looked down in shame, she had already started the conversation, and no matter how hard she bit her tongue she had to finish the talk one way or the other, knowing that he would find a way to coax it out of her.

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “So what did you mean?”

“I meant, our future.” She mumbled in response and as soon as the words left her lips she regretted ever opening her mouth.

Roger was unable to answer, his mouth hung open, unfit to form a sentence. He ran a hand through his hair, the feeling of her fingers running through the locks still very much present, just like the taste of her lips, of her, in general.

“You know, that was a stupid question, it’s late, I should just go to sleep.” Y/N quickly rambled, a knot on her throat forming quickly.

“Yeah, good night.” Was all he managed to answer.

Y/N wrapped her arms around herself, her back turned to him, mirroring his position, their bodies lacking the contact of the other. Y/N was angry at herself for her commentary, but she knew deep down that it had to be asked at some point, and though it felt as if she had chosen the worst moment to ask such thing, it was better to do it now than later when they reach the two year mark –a mark that wasn’t too far away.

Brilliantly done for a smile, shake hands, and leave.

// Part 2 //

[kinkymagnus]

Ik this is kinda random so feel free to not reply (cw: mentions of dysphoria because of a nickname ? ) but do ever get kinda dysphoric for a thing that isn't even like misgendering you ? Like my friend always called me Sunshine Child because I'm clueless about everything but I do my best to assume everyone has good intentions (and because i had dyed my hair blonde briefly before we met) but I recently came out to her as agender, and she asked if she could still call me that and I say sure because it's pretty gender neutral and she gets really happy when she calls me that, but recently it feels like bad, like I'm Being Misgendered On Purpose Bad™ so like wtf ((also love your content so much, and the 16 personalities test it's pretty cool but loooong, just search 16personalities and you can do it)) sorry for the spam i just want to sya is this relatable?? Does this happen to people??

it’s alright!! i dont mind rambles

i can’t give u insight into ur specific situtation bc im not u, u kno, but i can try my best? 

i kno that i feel misgendery/bad from different things on different days because i’m kind of fluid? some days i feel very neither gender, and something like “lady” might not bother me (still no she/her or super feminine stuff, but some more feminine things than i would normally not be ok with don’t bother me that much) and other days i feel very masculine and even purposefully avoiding gendered terms can feel kind of icky. but it changes on based on how im feeling.

and that’s just my personal experience

but yeah sometimes even like, just having something that didn’t really bother you before just starts to feel weird/bad for no reason, or something that technically isn’t misgendering because like, it is gender neutral, just feels wrong, i think that’s pretty relatable? for me personally i don’t like the modifier thing “Mx.” even though Mr. isn’t perfect either (my preferred gender neutral term is DR. but i still need to get a PHD FOR THAT) but it just feels weird

i would say you might privately explore alternatives (similarly gender neutral, or just shortening it to “sunshine” or if youre like me and you have another gender you kinda flux towards you might try something leaning more in that direction?) and see if anything works, or try and figure out why it bothers you, or if it just isn’t working for you, or even it’s bothering you for another reason (like it’s obviously meant as a term of endearment, but sometimes things like that can get to you, you know?) then try talking to your friend about it. i’m sure she’d understand. it’s not like you’re telling her she’s done anything wrong, you can just try communicating your feelings on it and how you’re not sure how you feel about that. it sucks, since she likes the nickname so much, but your comfort and wellbeing is more important than a nickname, and i’d think she would agree.

im not sure this is the best advice, but, im trying my best lol 

im glad!! <3

oh wait, is the 16 personalities thing like the INJTP or whatever like the letters people put in their bios sometimes? i’ve been avoiding that one on purpose, it’s a weird mental hang-up about different results and so on lmao 

[maximoff-pan]

The One with the Drunken Confession (Chandler Bing x Reader)

Request: Can you do one with chandler and its based off with ross, Rachel, and the drunk phone call?

Character: Chandler Bing

Fandom: Friends

Word Count: 3879 (woah, that’s loooong for me....oops)

A/n: So this is based off of season 2 episode 7 but with Chandler and the reader and the majority of it doesn’t follow how Rachel and Ross got together other than drunk phone call portion. I’m sorry that this took so long, but I hope you like it!! There also may be some grammar mistakes because I didn’t have a ton of time to edit this!

“Chandler!” Phoebe exclaimed. “Don’t look!”

Of course this exclamation only caused Chandler to raise his head from his New York Times newspaper, to see you and your boyfriend kissing outside Central Perk’s window.

“Great going Pheebs.”

Chandler immediately shook his head placing his paper onto the table to face the group. “No no no no no guys, I’m okay. I’m fine. I’m so cool with it that I don’t even feel anything at all. No jealously, no regret, nothing.”

“Chandler. You don’t have to pretend in front of us.” Monica placed her hand on his shoulder. She’d felt terrible after she’d found out you’d started dating another guy. You’d spent months telling her how hard you’d fallen for the sarcastic, lanky friend of yours that she’d convinced Chandler to tell you how he felt….only he’d realized it too late.

“I’m not pretending. I’m just deflecting.” Chandler meant for it to come out as a joke, but no one laughed, because to them, it wasn’t a joke. It felt like any time you or Chandler would get the courage to tell the each other how you felt, something got in the way. This time it happened to be your boyfriend Jack.

Jack was a nice guy (who Phoebe also claimed was incredibly hot, and no one in the group, including Ross, Joey, and even Chandler could deny her that), which meant that all your friends hated to admit how great he seemed because each of them knew how perfect you and Chandler would be together.

“Chandler honey, it might be good for you to go on a date,” Rachel continued almost worried she’d over stepped her boundaries by suggesting it, “you know, find a distraction to take your mind off of her. I know how hard this is for you, believe me.”

Chandler shook his head. “Thanks guys, but I don’t think I’m quite ready for that. Unlike Joey, it doesn’t take me less than five minutes to get over the woman I’m in love with.”

That caused Joey’s head to snap towards his best friend. “Just because you’re upset you didn’t have the balls to tell (Y/n) how you feel doesn’t mean you get to question how long it takes me to get over a woman. I am a gentleman.”

The door to the coffee shop opened and Chandler watched as you walked in, arm linked to Jack, feeling his heart drop. Suddenly, Chandler didn’t care that Joey had snapped at him, and now all he could focus on was you. Joey took the opportunity to nudge Ross’ arm and discreetly whisper on the verge of laughing, “No he’s definitely right, I am an asshole.”

Ross didn’t laugh at his friends comment. “Quit being such a child Joey. Chandler’s really broken up about this.”

Ross and Joey turned to get a glance at the scene before them. While they knew you wouldn’t notice, they could tell by the way he was looking at you as you walked into the coffee shop, that he wasn’t joking when he said he was in love with you.

“Hey guys.” You spoke cheerfully, taking a seat on the couch, as Rachel and Monica made room for you and Jack. They all had either replied with a hello in return or a simple nod, except for Chandler, who couldn’t seem to muster either.

“What have you two been up to?” Monica asked, trying to keep the conversation flowing. Any time Jack hung out around the group, they never knew what to do. It was hard for them to be supportive of your relationship when they knew how much it was hurting Chandler, and how much they knew you felt the same way as him.

“Jack took me to visit his grandma Jean.” You smiled at your boyfriend lovingly. “It was really great getting to meet her.”

Chandler’s heart sunk even further. When had your relationship gotten so serious? The last time you’d said anything to him, you hadn’t even met Jack’s parents, but maybe things had changed. Meeting the family, is a huge step, isn’t it? Chandler had never been good at relationships or commitment, and to be honest, you are the only person Chandler could ever think of him taking to meet his parents. Besides, you’d already met his parents and you hadn’t run out on him like everyone else did. And that meant something to him, but that also meant, if your relationship with Jack worked out, it would take him an exponentially long time to ever get over you.

He felt utterly stupid knowing that at one point, you had felt the same way. You were the best of friends. That’s all Chandler ever thought you felt about him. And for some reason, as hard as he tried, he couldn’t bring himself to be happy for you, even though that’s what he desperately wanted. Monica had told him that you’d had feelings for him for a few years now and to be quite honest, that only made him feel worse. You’d said nothing when he was with Janice...and he and Janice had been off and on, and somewhat serious. God, if you had felt half as heart broken as the way he was feeling in this moment, he wouldn’t know what he’d do. How did you get through it? It wasn’t like he could ask you.

///////

The night was only getting started for Chandler. He had the apartment to himself, Joey on a date with God knows who, and enough beer (and maybe something a touch stronger) to help him forget all about the pain he felt.

It only took him about an hour, a couple beers (and some vodka) before he was feeling more than tipsy. If he thought getting drunk would help him forget about you, he was sorely mistaken. It only intensified his loneliness.

Sitting on the floor with the duck and the rooster, he half smiled. “You know what? You’re right! I should call her.” He nodded his head as the duck walked aimlessly around the apartment. “I-I just need to....to...tell her I’m over her. Yeah,” he pointed towards the wall, beer in hand, “I am over you.”

Picking up the phone, he dialed your number, only to get your voicemail. Deciding he wanted to leave a message, he waited for the sound of your voice, letting him know that this was your voicemail box, your sweet and cheery tone, causing him to smile, only for a moment, to be interrupted by that ever-so-annoying beep.

“Hi (Y/n). It’s Chandler, your best friend in the entire universe.” His tone dropped at the word friend, feeling how wrong it felt to say. He felt the need to mention how much being only your friend, was hurting him. “Because we’re not a couple....you know? Even though I really wanted to be.” His voice let out a dejected squeak that he wasn’t intending on, but it really didn’t seem to bother him. His mind was whirling with all he wanted to say to you that he knew he couldn’t face to face.

“Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that whatever feelings I had for you, I’m getting over them. I am over you. Utterly and undeniably over you, so you don’t have to worry.” He chuckled, the knot in his chest tightening. “Oh and I’m happy for you. So so so happy. You and Jack make an amazing couple....I just always saw us being together one way or another.” At this point, Chandler knew he was rambling, but he really wanted to get his message across, despite it being a lie. He was hardly getting past the fact that you’d never be together.

“I know we’re constantly dancing around each other. It’s kind of a funny story.” He let out a sad laugh as he heard it pierce out of his throat. “Monica, she told me how you felt about me. And I’m really sorry you had to do that....watch me with Janice I mean. I know how hard it is to have to watch the person you’re madly in love with, be with someone else. Anyway,” he trailed off, “I won’t make this message any longer than it has to be. I should have told you how I felt, and I’m sorry.”

Chandler hung up the phone and maybe it was because he was drunk, it didn’t quite seem to sink in with him just how he’d ended the message.

“I’m going to regret that in the morning, aren’t I?” His slurred words were directed at the rooster and the duck, but they didn’t seem to be listening to what he had to say. Chandler, still decently drunk, followed behind them as they waddled into his room, somehow, Chandler taking that as their response to his question. “I agree. I definitely am.”

/////

“Shit.” He felt like screaming. “Dammit. I don’t....I don’t know.” He paced for a moment before rubbing his temples in anger and exhaustion. “Why would I do that?” Chandler began to panic, remembering what he’d said in the message he’d left for you.

You’d probably be at Monica’s place and hopefully for his sake, you hadn’t checked your messages yet.

/////

“Hey!” You greeted Chandler as he briskly walked into the apartment. “How was your night?”

“It was okay.” That was a total and utter lie, but what was he supposed to say?

“You think Monica would mind if I checked my messages here? I didn’t have time to last night but my boss said he was going to leave a message for me about an upcoming client.”

Ah yes. With you being a lawyer, Chandler knew all about your boss and your clients, considering that when you needed to complain about work, he always listened. (And vice versa).

His long voicemail to you slipped his mind, and he found himself nodding. "I don’t think Monica would even notice.” He gave you a smile, but almost as soon as it was on his face, it had dropped. Shit. What had he done?

You grinned at him, pressing the button on the machine to play your messages, the first one from your boss. As the voicemail came to an end, Chandler knew what was coming and raced towards the machine, hearing his voice begin to emit from it.

“Hi (Y/n). It’s Chandler, your best friend in the entire universe.”

“No no no. You do not need to hear this!” Chandler tried to turn it off before you stepped in front of him.

"Why?" You asked. "I'm sure it's harmless. Besides, I love the messages you leave me."

"Not this one." He grimaced. "I was drunk and it was really stupid."

“If you were drunk then I definitely need to hear this.”

You meant for it to come across as a joke but Chandler wasn’t laughing, and all you could see was fear in his eyes. While you two had been speaking (Chandler trying to get you to not listen to the message, and you insisting that you wanted to hear it) you’d missed a small part of it.

“Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that whatever feelings I had for you, I’m getting over them. I am over you.”

It was Chandler’s voice, clear as day, but it almost didn’t seem real. It wasn't like any of the other voicemails he'd ever left you and the words he spoke surprised you. You were listening to the voicemail so intently that you hadn’t noticed him anxiously move towards the door in shame.

“I know how hard it is to have to watch the person you’re madly in love with, be with someone else.”

This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be, not for a number of reasons, the main one being that Chandler had never been in love with you. Ever. It just didn’t make any sense.

“I won’t make this message any longer than it has to be. I should have told you how I felt, and I’m sorry.”

The machine clicked. All of your new messages had been played. You turned to Chandler, seeing how scared he looked. “You’re over me? What the hell is that supposed to mean. When were you ever into me?”

Chandler couldn’t even look at you. He was too afraid, and judging by your tone, you weren’t too happy with him either. (Not that he didn’t think he deserved it). “I’m sorry. It was a stupid thing to do. I was just really really drunk and I didn’t realize I’d done it until this morning.”

You felt angry, and hurt. Why hadn’t he told you sooner, before you’d gotten into a relationship with Jack. This man....He'd broken your heart more than once, and now he accidentally proclaims his love for you, just as soon as you're in a stable, healthy relationship. You had left him alone. When he was with Janice, and you saw that it could've been something serious, you hid your pain and you let him be happy, despite Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel telling you otherwise. All these emotions that had died down were now resurfacing. It had taken you months, possibly even years to get over Chandler, and now once you thought you had, he pulls a fast one on you and rips the ground right from your feet.

“You know what Chandler? I don’t think I can deal with this right now and I sure as hell don’t think I deserve to have to deal with this right now.”

The door opens as Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Joey walk into the apartment, only to see tears on your face, and Chandler absolutely distraught. Pushing past your friends, you walk out the door, directing your words at Chandler, ignoring the look Monica gives you, “Don’t follow me. I need some time.”

/////

“God Chandler. What the hell happened?” Joey asks incredulously, each member of the group sitting on the couch, ears ready to listen.

“I did something that I shouldn’t have. I said some things that (Y/n) really didn’t deserve to hear right now, and I just hope I haven’t screwed everything up.”

Monica gives him one of her all-knowing looks. “I’m sure it couldn’t have been that bad.”

“Monica, it had to be, or she wouldn’t have been that angry with him.” Joey unnecessarily points out, essentially prodding at Chandler's guilt. “So,” he immaturely grins, “what’d ya do?”

Chandler grimaces at his friends words and begins to mentally prepare for their scrutiny. “I told her I loved her. Not that I still do, but that I did once, and that I’m completely over her. Although I kind of implied that I’m still in love with her. I...I don’t know anymore.”

Rachel splutters. "You did what?"

"Dude." Ross utters. "Do you know how long it took for her to get over you? And now you tell her how you feel."

“I know.” He places his hands in his face in frustration.

Chandler couldn't have looked any more ashamed if he tried. He's upset at the fact that he could ever hurt you and even though he was drunk, he knows how badly he's messed up.

Phoebe turns to him with empathy in her eyes. "Ross is right. But I also know that I'm more right than Ross is." She smiles, flipping her hair over one shoulder, something that she does frequently as a display of her self confidence. "So, here goes.” Thus began a characteristic Phoebe, ‘pick me up’ speech. “You belong together. The two of you have been chasing circles around each other for years, and now is your chance. She already knows how you feel. Now talk to her and get her to believe it, because she's not going to take a chance on a relationship between the two of you happening, unless (Y/n) believes that you truly mean it."

"And we all know you do." Monica chimes in reassuringly, a bright and wide smile on her face.

He faces the group, a contemplative gaze in his eyes. “You really think I should go after her? She just told me-“

Joey grins. “She told you not to follow her. She didn’t tell you not to come after her.”

Somehow Joey’s stupid comment makes him smile. He knows telling Joey that following you, and going after you are basically are the exact same things will get him nowhere. And maybe he, and especially Phoebe, have a point. If he doesn’t go after you now, he might regret it for his entire life.

You’d known each other since Ross brought Chandler to their house back when you were all in college (Ross and Chandler your seniors by a couple of years). You hadn’t known Joey and Phoebe, none of you had, but Rachel, Ross, and Monica, they’d all been in both of your lives for quite some time.

He’d felt different than he ever had when he’d first seen you. Different, but good. It took a good few years for him to figure out that it wasn’t just some silly crush, but that he was in love with you, and once he did, nothing seemed to be the same around you. Clearly you hadn’t noticed his feelings for you, or you would have said something to him. He hadn’t noticed how you felt and hopefully still feel for him, assuming that you would never fall for a guy like him: awkward and unable to commit to anyone.

Standing up, Chandler makes a decision. “I’m going to go find her. I need to at least have her hear what I need to say, and if she doesn’t want anything to do with me, I’ll just have to accept that.”

“Trust me Chandler. It may take her some time, but she’ll come around.” Phoebe smiles. “(Y/n) loves you too much to ever let you go.”

Chandler stands still for a moment, his thoughts getting to him, before Joey nudges him harshly in the arm. “Go get your woman Chandler.”

Ross grins, mocking Joey. “Yeah Chandler. You,” he points at him enthusiastically, “you go get your woman.”

//////

Chandler knows you well enough to know that when you’re upset, you always head back to your apartment. Being a homebody, you don’t tend to go out to think, or to soothe your pain, and luckily for him, you live in the apartment exactly above Monica’s.

Knocking on the door seems easy. Very easy. But what if you slam it right back in his face? What if Jack is there? And what if Jack ends up wanting to get into a fight with him because it’s all too real....too raw. Raising his hand up to the green painted wood is terrifying, but almost as if he’s in auto pilot, Chandler knocks anyway.

You look through the peep hole when you hear a firm knock at your door. ‘What have I done? Why did I do that?’ Your past actions running through your mind like a wildfire.  

You’re not surprised that that is what goes through your mind. You’d spent almost 6 months with Jack, and you’d given it all away, for something that might never work out. You’d broken up with Jack...for Chandler. You also know that you shouldn’t want to see Chandler, but for some reason, you can’t help but hope that he hadn’t listened to you, and that he decided to follow you. Somehow your heart always leads you back to him, whether you like it or not.

“Chandler?” Opening the door, he pushes in without you offering, clearly upset about something. “I thought I told you to not follow me.”

He looks scared, but utterly determined, with a look in his eyes that you’ve never seen from him before. “And I told you that I loved you (Y/n). Drunk or not, that means something to me.”

“You can’t just do that to me and expect me to drop everything for you.” Even though that’s exactly what you had done, you couldn’t let him in that easily. “I was happy with Jack. For the first time since you, since I’d fallen for you, I was happy. When I was with him, I wasn’t thinking about what I didn’t have, about who didn’t want to be with me, or what it could be like if you had wanted me back. It was just him, and me, and it was what I needed.” You push yourself further away from him as he stares intently at you. “Why can’t you understand that?”

“I can. And I will.” He gestures between the two of you. “But I need to know that you’re fully committed to Jack, and that you don’t love me. That you are over me.” He pauses. “Because I am not over you....not even close. But if you want to be with Jack, and you want a life with him, and not me, I will move on as best as I can.”

“Hold on a minute.” You stop him, feeling all the emotions come out at once. “You had no right to tell me that you had feelings for me. Everything was perfect with Jack. Whatever we had with each other, maybe that ship has sailed.”

“What,” Chandler asks, seeing your irritation only fueling him, “so you’re just going to put away your feelings? Hide them away like none of this ever happened? Like we could never happen?”

“I’ve been doing it since the day I met you.” You exclaim in anger. “I’ve gotten pretty damn good at it.”

You didn’t know why you were being so stubborn. You’d broken up with Jack, more so, he’d broken up with you, because even he could see that you still had feelings for Chandler.

“And you’re committed to him?” Chandler’s tone softens. “Jack?”

You wanted to say yes, just to throw it in his face. You’re still angry, but every second you look into his eyes, you can feel yourself becoming less upset. “No.” You say dejectedly. “I don’t think I could ever be fully committed to Jack. Not with you always on my mind, and he noticed it too.”

Chandler takes a few steps towards you, nervous and scared. He cups your face in his hands, waiting....looking into your eyes before he leans down to capture your lips with his. When he does, you feel a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. You had been waiting for this kiss for years and now that it’s happening, you feel free.

Taking control, you run your hands through his hair, and you can feel him smile. His hands move down to your waist as his mouth leaves your lips to place a kiss on your neck. You let out a breath, and a laugh, Chandler beginning to tickle your sides. The kiss had turned from passionate and heavy, to silly and giggly in a matter of seconds. But it felt right, because Chandler was nothing if he wasn’t making people laugh.

“I meant what I said.” His voice is higher than usual, and his cheeks are flushed as he tries to catch his breath. He looks dazed, and you smile at the look he’s giving you. “I love you.”

Happily (happier than you’ve ever been before) you grin. “I love you too.”

[lovelycharmingvillain]

I SWORE I WASNT GONNA POST ANOTHER “IM SORRY IVE BEEN INACTIVE”  UPDATE BUT

a lot has happened, gonna ramble below the cut

TLDR: I had to travel across the country with my two cats to stop them getting poisoned and I can't bring them home until 2 weeks have passed 

(Both cats are absolutely fine and in peak health, do not worry)

Sooooooo we got our house sprayed with flea poison because it had slowly become infested and our cats were going nuts scratching. We took both cats, Maple and Nimbus, out of the house during the day it was being sprayed, and didn't bring them back until 4 hours after it had settled (the time frame we were instructed to wait so it would be safe for them). The guy who we hired has been our decorator for years, very trustworthy man, and also specialises in pest control as that's his main job. He assured us this stuff is completely non-toxic to cats and that he's used it in many homes with pets for 20 years, and never had a single problem.

A few hours after they're home, Maple starts acting really weird. She isn't lethargic at all, but her paw keeps hitting the ground when she's grooming, like she can't balance right, and she keeps sort of flattening herself against the floor  for no apparent reason. She was also walking strangely, with a sort of stumble, again off-balance, and keeps running off in a frantic way.

I know Maple’s every mannerism- I know what it means when she flicks her tail in a certain way, what each different meow means, when she wants food or affection or to play. I'd never seen her acting like this and knew that something was wrong, and that combined with the fact that bug poison was all over the house really concerned me, so I woke my parents up and we took her to the emergency vet. (My dad actually got really annoyed and said there was nothing wrong with her, and ohhhh boy am I glad I insisted he listen to me cause he was  about to go back to bed and he's the only one who can drive. I'm actually pretty mad about how he acted cause Maple would have died without treatment but that's a whole other rant)

The vet immediately recognises something is very wrong, basically agrees with everything I've said. She asks what chemical was used in the house and we don't know cause the guy didn't tell us, and it's about 4:00 am at this point so his phone goes straight to voicemail. The vet says that all of Maple’s symptoms fit with this poison that is super toxic to cats and potentially fatal, but she can't be sure what's going on until the pest control guy calls back, and therefore she can't use a specific treatment in case it's something else. Maple’s legs were twitching, and the vet said worst case scenario she has a seizure, but that cats who are poisoned usually decline really fast, so the fact that Maple isn't seizuring already is a good sign.

We leave Maple overnight at the animal hospital, and as soon as we're out of the building I break down in tears because the idea that she might die is unbearable. I don't exaggerate when I say we're closer than most humans are to each other, and I'd literally give my life for her. In the last two years, we've had two cats die almost exactly a year apart, and I couldn't take the thought of a third death. Nimbus is also super close to Maple, almost a surrogate son to her, and I was so scared of how he'd cope without her.

So now we have to figure out what to do with Nimbus overnight, since the house is potentially toxic. We eventually clear out a closet that wasn't sprayed, cover the floor with paper just to be safe, and set up a little room for him there. He hasn't shown any signs of illness but because it can progress so fast I have to stay up with him all night in case he deteriorates too.

Aaaaand it was the worst night of my life. I was already massively sleep deprived and now have to stay up till morning, both to make sure Nimbus is okay and to listen for a phone call from the vets. Basically I know that if she calls before 7:00am that's bad news, so I'm constantly on edge wondering if the phones gonna ring and I'll be told that Maple is dead. 

But thank fuck she calls at about 7:30 and says that Maple is doing really well- the treatment seemed to work wonders and now she's walking better and eating food. It turns out the poison the guy used wasn't the toxic one she suspected it was, and actually is supposed to be safe for cats, but Maple just had a very rare reaction to it.

I'll skip the details cause holy shit this is long already but she's given the all clear later that day and we’re able to pick her up. Problem is we've only got that tiny little closet that we can safely keep the cats in, and no one we know is able to look after them (the vet advised at this point that we wait at least a week before letting the cats back in the house, two weeks to be safe).

Since we can't keep the cats cooped up in that room much longer we have to find somewhere quick, and the only place we can think of is our holiday home, which is a five hour drive away. So I'm like “"well, guess I'm taking a holiday”, and lug my suitcase plus two cat carriers on a four hour train journey which was  uhhh not fun.

AND NOW IM HERE, OUT IN THE COUNTRY WITH TWO VERY CONFUSED KITTIES

So yeah, this was a very unexpected situation and I'm still recovering from the stress of it all, which is why I've only been getting out a handful of replies at a time. God, sorry this went on for so long, I just needed to vent

Both cats are doing great now! Maple is back to full health and sprinting all over the house, and Nimbus is his normal, goopy self. I can't express how relieved I am that they're okay, holy shit, I think I've had enough stress in the last few days to last a year

ANYWAY

Despite what all this rambling might suggest, I'm okay. I’ve got the house to myself and there's WiFi and Netflix and CATS- it's the dream holiday really, circumstance aside.

YEAH SO I DONT KNOW WHAT IM EVEN TRYING TO SAY BUT I LOVE YALL AND I HOPE THIS IS THE LAST MAJOR SETBACK FOR A LOOOONG WHILE

[taylor]

loooong rambly post about my feelings, u can scroll past i've just gotta Vent

this is small but i unfollowed the guy i've been trying desperately to get over (on twitter only tho) and like, it's a small step but it's in the right direction (and also tbh if ur mutuals w someone on twitter and NEVER interact, and ur friends, it's kinda weird??? like NO interactions over the last 12 months, like what...)

idk, i'm not the kind of person that's just on call for this dude whenever he wants to get down and dirty, like i've gotta have more respect for myself than that.

and tbh, it's VERY telling when he'd interact with me in places others couldn't really see (DMs, discord, even tumblr) but on the more public places (twitter, sometimes instagram), it'd be diddly-squat except a like on an IG photo or something. it just hurts and kinda showed me he didn't want people in his real life (i.e. the girl i know he's had feelings for for a while) to see him interacting with me. (wonder why? - oh, i have a guess. probably because he liked that woman and didn't want her to see him talking to me since he's only romantically interested in her and not me...he basically told me as much 3 years ago when my DUMB FUCKING ASS told him i liked him....lololol)

i mean, i can't be mad at him that he doesn't like me back that way, i understand i can't fault someone who did in fact tell me in 2019 that he "didn't like me exactly like that" -- but i can put my foot down and not be accessible to him anymore in the FWB way we had. lmao

i'm just kinda rambling at this point and i certainly don't expect anyone to read this whole thing (or tbh any of it but i'm writing this mainly for me) but i've been carrying around the massive weight of this tormenting crush for almost FOUR fucking years, it's high time i put myself first. like there'd be times where he'd ignore me or not reply for months (which is fine, god knows i do that) but my issue came into play when he'd message me after his months-long hiatus like with the horniest shit ever. like okay you can't bother to wish me a fucking happy birthday (and i know he saw m like 50 stories bc he watched them immediately as i was posting them, so he knew it was my birthday lol), or reach out when you saw me about to be fired (again, i knew he saw the stories so this isn't me just reaching), or reach out when you saw i was in a depressive spiral (i don't need saving but it'd be nice to have someone check in on me SOMETIME...... BUT YOU CAN REACH OUT WHEN U WANT UR DICK WET???? that's the craziest part! he's got NO trouble triple or quadruple messaging me with his horny ass but can't be assed to wish me a happy birthday when he was basically viewing everything i posted that day starting pretty early. idk i just notice shit like that.

sorry sorry i just, i've realized i deserve more than this dude that i somehow convinced myself was "the one" due to how infatuated i'd become with him.

the person who loves me and that i love in return will inherently understand that i am NOT someone you can love quietly, i am not someone that you can just ignore until you're horny.

i'm choosing myself and i'm putting myself first and that started with me not replying to his last (pathetic) attempt to reach back out a few weeks ago (didn't even mention a late bday which tbh i'm not anal about birthday wishes on the ACTUAL day and usually a month after my bday is totally fine like i don't expect a day of, or anything - tho it'd be nice and he'd done it every year in the past besides this one) - and unfollowing him on twitter and removing him as my follower on there since he never liked or replied to anything i ever did (Which to me, and this is my personal opinion, was fucking WEIRD since he was active on there ALL the time).

it's still gonna take me a while to fully, truly get over him, but it's not fair to him to expect him to be someone he's not and clearly can't be - and it's not fair to me to keep pretending he's eventually going to change his ways. i hope he finds whatever the fuck it is he's looking for, but it's not with me.

it kinda feels good to have withdrawn from him. i doubt he'd put two and two together (i.e that his behavior and lack thereof was the reason i ended things) but maybe eventually later in life, he'll realize what a prize, what a catch, what a lover i could have been.

and by then? by then i'll be with someone who knows how to love me loudly and doesn't make me agonize over their actions.

(sidenote: he'd call me baby all the time, call me sexy, say shit like "Thank god for women, like thank god for you", and even tho I knew he was probably just saying shit, both of us knew i had at one point in time liked him - i never told him i still did and maybe he assumed as much...but like he'd be doing all this shit that made me doubt his original claim that he didn't have feelings for me. but now that it's been years and years i've realized he only wants me when it's convenient for him, and that doesn't work for me. it doesn't. i'm fucking done agonizing over whether or not he'd like my stuff or reply to me or whatever the fuck, like i'm just truly done at this point. if he wanted to, he would have, and it's as fucking simple as that)

[ellie-mayflower]

Do you have a list of drivers you like/don't like (excluding Verstappen) or are you just neutral towards everyone?

Oh dude, believe me, if I had the capacity for true neutrality my life (and my D&D games) would be about 700% easier. 

I mean, I don’t have a wholly formed solid opinion about some drivers on the grid - mostly the new ones - because I don’t really know them that well but I still probably lean one way or another where they’re concerned in terms of liking them or not. I’ve seen maybe three interviews with Antonio Giovinazzi but boom, instant fondness for some reason. 

But that sense of like or dislike can also shift, sometimes when I least expect it.

Sorry, boring answer probably. 

It’s complicated though? I can like someone and not necessarily be terribly invested in their racing on any given weekend. So for example I have a fundamental like of Kimi that thus far seems unshakable, but I don’t particularly deeply care about how his race goes. It isn’t a Ferrari-related thing (because obviously it would be easy to think it’s somehow tied to my dislike of the team) but even when he was at Lotus, a team I liked very very much, it wasn’t something that would make or break my day. 

I sort of feel the same way about a couple of other drivers about whom I could say, hand on heart, that I capital L like but I don’t spend a lot of non-race time thinking about them.

So let’s say that includes Kimi, Hulkie, Felipe, Checo, Jolyon (for some weird inexplicable reason I don’t entirely understand) and Jenson was def also on that list (although obvs now after everything that went down I’ll be rooting extra hard for him in Monaco). Well and... and I guess Lewis too most of the time now.

But then there are those drivers who... who when they have a particularly good race I find I carry that feeling with me for days and days if not longer. And when things go horribly wrong it’s hard to shake the feeling for just as long. 

So that’s true of Dany, Valtteri, Fernando, Carlos (who recently made the jump from the Like List to the Like++ roster), Kevin, and Dan. Actually Dan is... Dan can be a little complicated sometimes. I struggled with him a bit last year when I thought he could have been kinder to Dany and to the team after Monaco, and he had a bit of ??? moments when Max came in and seemed to steal his thunder. But then he seems to have regrouped and bounced back and even though I’m still more on Max’s side of the garage I’m definitely a proper Badger fan. Oh and it was very much true of Nico.

And then Max... well. It’s pretty clear how I feel about him I guess. 

I guess it’s still summed up best by this line that someone here said a few years ago, I wish I could remember who because it was so fucking accurate. When the lights go out you suddenly know just who is truly the most important to you on the grid because that’s where your focus snaps to.  

Anyway. Sorry for the loooong ass rambling answer. And for how long it took to reply. 

[pannacottawarrior]

aight i'm on