#sorry for the long post; I just think about Sayori DDLC sometimes and she makes me wanna fucking combust

[citricacidprince]

Sometimes I think about important Sayori from Doki Doki Literature Club is to me and get really emotional

As a bubbly kid with depression it was already really hard to find characters who acted like me, because depression in media is always portrayed in the same way. Tired eyes, never smiling, melancholic, dark clothes, baggy hoodies, etc. But that was never me. The only time I ever looked like the idea of what a depressed person looked like was when I got so depressed I almost had a mental breakdown.

I’m depressed, but I’m always smiling. I don’t like people knowing I’m upset, and if I think I’m about to cry I immediately leave the room or hide my face so people don’t see me crying. I don’t like people seeing me depressed, I keep that to myself and only let others get peeks of it through cracks in the foundations. I hide it because I’m genuinely a happy person, I like being sociable and funny, but it gets so hard sometimes to keep it up when everything feels like it’s weighing down on you. Thus, keeping that to myself.

So despite the fact there was so many depressed characters in the media I consumed growing up, I never felt like there was one who represented me. Even the characters who technically count in the “Depressed by happy” media I consume were never portrayed like me. They were always older women pretending to keep things together while on the brink of having a manic violent breakdown because they’re so unhappy with their postcard nuclear family.

Thus, this left me to project my feelings onto characters that reminded me of myself to make myself feel better.

Sayori was the first ever depressed character that made me feel seen. Every little detail felt like she was a love letter to 15 year old me. The way she kept up the mask around those she cared about so no one would worry about her, the way she slept all the time due to how exhausted she was, the bubbly personality that didn’t seem fake. She was everything I was asking for in a depressed character.

I know people love to get caught up with the “How’s it hanging” jokes or act like her depression was only there because of Monika messing with the game files, but Sayori was genuinely so important to me. When Doki Doki Plus came out with the side stories it just solidified the fact that Sayori is a very special character who acts very very similar to me.

To this day I’ve never consumed a piece of media with a depressed character as similar to me as Sayori. She meant the world to me as a really depressed teenager who felt really alone and different from everyone, and she still means the world to me.