#sorry for once again being a vtuber fan

[ghost-town-dwellers]

been watching a lot of holostars recently

[lxmiko]

hello, hello! may i request luxiem + reader

where the reader is like kinda addicted to valorant and is super good at the game (pls me when). their aim, tactics, they're just super good. the boys don't see reader playing much valorant due to either busy schedules or reader doesn't play that much (work ;;) one day though, they see reader play valorant and decide to watch and just go ??? w.. wow.

hope it makes sense, i love your works! sorry this request seems weird, i just wanted to see this written out ><

shu yamino with cracked valorant player!you . . .

—

as a fellow valorant watching addict (especially for shu), i respect this request so very much, you have my heart ><!!! I KNOW you requested all the members but ill be so real, i was having the hardest time coming up with things for the rest of the boys so this is all i got ;(

writing this with half a brain though, so sorry if things are a lil ooc ••;;

characters: shu yamino

—

shu yamino

it’s a surprise that you and shu haven’t collab for valorant yet, with him being pretty cracked himself. you’ve probably seen him in vc for open valorant collabs but didn’t have the time whether it be a conflict with your schedule or you were busy in the moment

shu also has you added already on valorant, so he does see you online, but again, both of you are very busy people as streamers and such, so y’all haven’t been able to play together ;;

however !! he on an offday and sees that you’re streaming! you’re playing valorant and soloqueueing since no one was free at the time

shu tends to lurk in your streams quite often when he has the chance, dropping comments here and there (he might drop a “deez nuts” joke if he can, too), and he decides to stop by just to say hello ^^!! (and not just cause you’re playing valorant of course :D,,,)

it’s the silence when he joins that scares him. vtuber models’ faces change easily, and yours, usually set in a permanent smile, is neutral, a hard expression to nail unless you’re not moving at all

you’re the last one alive on your team, sneaking around the map against four other players and toward the ticking spike. you murmur to chat where you think they are, tucking yourself against walls as you approach b

shu’s as focused on the game as you and your audience are, and his fingers twitch from muscle memory when you switch between your guns and knife

he thinks of what he might do if he was in your sh(u)oes, but every move you make is one step ahead of his, and he knows it’s just a game, but he’s impressed at how good you are

you progress quickly, killing three players with ease as you inch closer to the spike. while on bomb, you get hit once but turn fast enough to headshot the last player, and with a relieved sigh, you go to diffuse as chat congratulates you

“how are you so cracked,” he types in chat as you and your fans greet him. your model shakes its head in protest, and you brush off his comment, but he insists

he stays for the entire stream ^^!! and also cheers you on for every good play and nice shot you do (cause he doesn’t say it out loud, but he’s a big fan of yours, valorant or not .///.)

be ready to clear a day in your schedule to play valorant with him and a few other valorant addicts ^^ !!

—

finally finished this request, even if it’s not entirely to its fullest :’) sorry for the probably yr long wait SJSJDJ

[dyrus]

today i woke up and saw tfblade post how he got banned three times and thought that was kinda crazy but funny.

but being one minute out of bed i skimmed it then saw a reply saying he needed to get off the net and that league is a childrens game.

this immediately provoked me because the thought of someone controlling someone else to be online and calling league a childrens game when i made a ton of money off it made me really angry.

so i replied with the "who the fuck do you think you are lmao" and was laughing on my way to the shower.

i played sf6 streamed played baulders with the boys, then checked back on it and saw a bunch of people saying i fell off, i wasnt human, one parasocial weirdo brought up my ex, and one guy being genuninely confused.

i felt anger and sadness for a good hour and then went back to reasess why this happened and realized the context was he didnt just fuck himself over but it was a korean bootcamp so a bunch of ppl that came over got banned not just him.

not to mention korea stans, vtubers fans, league fans all involved. so realizing that i stepped on a landmine i wasnt mad anymore and actually understood why the feedback was so awful and deleted some dumb shit i said and said sorry to the one guy who was confused on why i would ever say such a thing.

i was in a really bad mood at the end of my day but thanks to my friends who let me vent for a little i came to realize that i actually fucked up by not reading more. and even posting in drama filled with these kinds of fans. i'm impressed that anyone even liked my post because now i feel sick looking at the situation so i deleted it.

i still dont think it's right for others to tell people what to do and calling league a childrens game but i clearly missed the point and took a L today.

everything is good with me but i have no motivation to do anything besides play games and keep myself from being to unhealthy (i'm back at 230) but i plan on losing weight again before any event i go to (evo or twcon) next year and hopefully can post some very happy pictures once again like last year.

that was my day, i posted this because i feel like this is my safe space and i felt a little lonely for the first time in months.

i really dont think i would of done anything to much different in my life but so much pain is caused from misunderstandings and miscommunication and sometimes when i want attention and act like a fool once in awhile.

but i have a lot of gamer friends i enjoy playing games with so im good.

holy fuck i hate being bi now it's like double the horny and i dont need any of that.

thanks for coming to my ted talk

[thigiocamap]

You know, initially, I didn't really want to get off of anon to respond to this - for multiple reasons. But now, after sitting down to think about it for a while, I realized that getting my words out there was more important to me than whatever it was that scared me about being open and honest in the first place.

I don't really know what to say. This is overall just kind of upsetting to me. Frankly, I don't like being painted as someone with potentially ill intentions just because I took a year to send you another ask. I don't stalk you and I'm not constantly checking up on your Vtubing career. I don't understand why I'm expected to have immediately known that you didn't change your name; there are other things I am focusing on other than whatever it is you're up to. The fact that you completely ignored the parts about racism in your answer truly does feel a way to me. With the way your response is, it felt as though you were completely honing in on the criticism of your Vtubersona being fat.

I am not fat, which is why I never really went very deeply into that criticism as it is not my place to. However, my partner (who was the one anon that had once messaged you), is a fat Asian person. Being fat while Asian/a person of color in general and being fat as a white person is a completely different experience. I won't go deeply into this as, again, I am not a fat Asian person - I am a skinny Asian person. But, well, it's food for thought, no?

But the point is, I can't really combat your points about your Vtubersona being fat - especially since that wasn't really what my message was mostly about in the first place. It was mostly about race, but this was ignored for what I presume is a more universal topic that you could more easily argue for. I'm sorry if that is not your real intent, but it felt that way especially since you have not published my asks.

(Also I don't know why you reiterated to me that you are never making your Vtubersona skinny because I literally told you that no one was wanting you to do that. In my asks. That you didn't publish)

I want you to know that I never had any ill intentions in sending you those asks, even though I am who I am - and the gentleness of my words (which I made as gentle as I could) are proof of that. I am simply just some Asian person, in a world where anti-Asian racism is often subtle and ignored. In a world where anti-Asian racism is brushed aside and seen as "not as big of a deal." I am an Asian person that has been hurt, time and time again, but has decided to reach a hand out and tell you how I feel in the hopes that I could be understood. I saw it as an opportunity to tell someone, "hey, you did something that was upsetting. please think about it" - only to have my asks unpublished. I don't know if you considered how that would come across or feel, so I'm going to explain it: keeping my asks - which provide the context for this conversation - unpublished, especially with your response, paints me out to be some sort of hater that doesn't know when to let something go.

It pains me as an Asian person to see this sort of double-standard. This "Besides the obvious 'I'm not a sheep girl,' I am not chubby or Asian." coupled with "Saying you're not actually an elf or demon or w/e isn't a comparison because that implies black ppl aren't real." (This was part of my unpublished ask, by the way). It pains me as an Asian person, who has spent my entire life being forced to feel immense shame for my culture, and my languages, who - like every other person of color I've ever met - so desperately wanted to be a white person... Only for a white person and their white fans and followers to take Asian languages and use them in this way - a way to seem cute and quirky, and then to say, "Well, we ALL use made-up Japanese names for our Vtuber personas - because it's anime!" I don't know how else to explain how bluntly racist this is. I don't know how else to explain how feedback from your friends, peers, and followers mean nothing if they are all non-Asian.

You know, at this point, I don't even really care anymore. If you want your character to have that name, go for it. I can't stop you. My partner can't stop you. But, well, all I want is for my words to reach out to you - and for you to understand, and keep me in mind for the future. Thank you for reading my words, and I hope your life is okay.

Hey, Asian anon that sent you the asks about your Vtuber character again! I was wondering if you got my messages. Thanks for your time!

Hello anon, I did receive your messages. I didn't publish them initially because I wanted to really soak in what you had said to me rather than respond with a knee jerk reaction. And again, thank you for reaching out the first time around. I really do appreciate that you saw something that needed to be fixed, and rather than write me off, you brought it up to me. I agree it was a much needed change to her name and I'm glad I did it, and I'm glad you pushed me to change. Those anons were still unpublished because after giving it some thought, I don't think I would have a satisfying response for you. I am honestly unsure of your intention as you waited a whole year, after I had officially rebranded, to message me and tell me that I learned nothing. You said no one was asking me to change my vtuber significantly (making her white or skinny) but then then tell me to make a character that reflects me... which would be skinny. I want to make something abundantly clear. Fuwawa is fat and I am not ever changing this. Over this past year, I have been told by friends, fellow vtubers and strangers alike that they appreciated Fuwawa being fat. That she made people feel seen. I feel as though there were not many fat anime girls in media, to say nothing of mainstream media, that wasn't either "thicc girls" with a thigh gap, made to be purposefully ugly, or obsessed with food, which is what prompted me to use Fuwawa (who was originally just an OC, and still is) as my vtuber. If I could make at least one person feel acknowledged and happy about themselves, I do not intend to speak over fat people over any real world issues, as that is not my position to take. But I want to keep her the way she is. To circle back a second, to say the character that reflects me would be skinny... I do not intend to start streaming as a skinny vtuber. I cannot imagine retiring a character that has made people feel accepted and seen to make a palatable skinny character in her place. It feels like a slap in the face to everyone involved. Your implied other alternative would be to stop vtubing altogether... and again, I had left the messages unpublished because I didn't think me refusing would be the answer you wanted. With all this being said, I don't intend to dig my heels in the dirt forever. I still ask for feedback from my friends, peers, and followers on what I can do to improve, where I'm going right and wrong, and where I need to step back. I will continue discussing this with people I trust and work on that moving forward. I'm very sorry, and I mean this sincerely, that my vtuber at present does not meet your expectations. I honest to God do not know how to phrase that that doesn't sound backhanded, and putting in an emoji feels insincere as well, so I hope it somehow comes through. I mean this genuinely. I don't think I'm going to be able to change the way you want me to, so I will be ending this discussion with you specifically for that reason. Thank you for reaching out to me.

[xtremedespair3d]

My Lukewarm History with Pixelbuster/Nitomatta

Yesterday, independent gaming journalist Pixelbuster, or Nitomatta, has been under controversy for taking advantage of small gaming news site Final Weapon for getting review copies of games and don’t review them all, basically getting the games he’s supposed to review for free. He’s been fired from Final Weapon and put his journalist career to an end.

This post is copied and pasted from a thread I made yesterday, so think of it as a complete and more accessible guide to my rant about Pixelbuster/Nitomatta with a few changes from the thread. This post isn't about what happened to Pixel and owning games for free, since people talked about him, I decided to take an opportunity to rant with my own perspective about why do I dislike the guy.

I never liked Pixel the moment we started talking a little bit more and even brought me to his server in 2018. There are times that he contradicted me on certain things and seeing his tweets really drove me insane a lot in 2019 to the point that I had to mute him. 

I also never understood why did Pixel make me a mod on his server. I mean, I appreciate it but at the same time I need to understand what am I worth to him. But then I kind of abuse the power of being a mod by deleting people's negative comments I don't like. Not to mention I seriously rant and vent A LOT in his server which almost nobody didn't really care about comforting me at all, but at the same time I always thought I might be getting everyone on their nerves. And speaking of his server (which is now deleted lol), that's one of the worst servers I've ever been, the people in there are so bland, talk shit on a couple of things a lot, and they share all kinds of porn I wasn't a huge fan of the Western art style of. To top it all off with sharing NSFW content on his server, he's absolutely okay with having people share furry porn but not loli/shota porn because it would make some people uncomfortable. Like, really? Come on. Sure, you don't really have to like loli/shota porn, but still, learn to have more balls on bearing that shit, especially if whether or not you're those "Fiction = Reality" purists (Which I hate these kinds of people). 

Lastly, at one time, I left his server because I was getting tired of it, then I came back for a little bit to take a quick peek to see what has changed after announcing I was leaving, and then I left again.

Then Pixelbuster DM'd me on Discord saying to please come back to the server, I was getting bored anyways so I decided to return (along to the RPG Site Discord server where we first met and the one server I despise to death). Now I regret returning to his bland ass server. After returning to his server, Pixel told me "Thank you, I promise you we will help you" probably about my problems I constantly talk about. Then I constantly rant and vent on his server a lot and he and his friends continued to do NOTHING to help me. I also felt sorry for talking ill of him and a bit of his server, but afterwards, I took back my apology as I still loathe him and his server.

The only thing I'll admire Pixel for is that some of his viral clips get retweeted by Japanese people, particularly artists and most recently, I saw a tweet of a RE3 mod video where he was retweeted by bkub, the creator of Pop Team Epic.

For a while I’ve always wanted to randomly tweet that Pixelbuster is a clown, he’s a total piece of shit, and with all this scandal, I finally took the opportunity to say it, but not because of what he did with Final Weapon, because I never liked him. I never liked Pixel at all, part of me feels like he deserves the hate he's getting, and I wish to completely disassociate with me for good. Also, he hates Yumi. He likes all Senran Kagura girls except Yumi. Like, seriously? Fuck Pixel.

The most baffling things he's ever said is that he would get better from his mental health issues and negativity. I'm really sorry but I seriously can't help but laugh so hard at it because he seriously can't help himself on the way he is. His behavior and his opinions are the major reasons why do I despise Pixel to death, he's just absolutely destructive on a lot of things media related. Sure, you could say that most of his opinions attacking large corporates like Disney and such are valid, but it's just the way he expresses them and everything are something I seriously couldn't take him seriously for. That's why I muted him on Twitter this year, I couldn't stand a word he said and it drove me insane a lot last year. I know I already said that but I must stress that out.

What are the things that he contradicted me? Well...

On the RPG Site Discord, the time we were watching the Sega panel from Tokyo Game Show and there was a segment that featured the mobile game called Kotodaman, which they were talking about a Kemono Friends collab. I randomly said that I recognized the game from watching VTuber Noja Loli Ojisan Nekomasu, and he said "I don't care." In retrospect, that sounded very forced. (The thing about the Kotodaman and the Kemono Friends collab was around the same time Tatsuki got fired by Kadokawa when Kemono Friends turned out so successful.)

The time he shared a later Captain Marvel trailer and said that he's finally sold on it, I told him most trailer are fine and he told me "No."

The time when the One Punch Man fighter game was announced, I simply said that it probably was to capitalize on season 2 and he said "No one gives a shit about season 2." I mean, sure but you didn't need to tell me that. Hell, you didn't even HAVE to force your opinions saying that you don't care, can't you just simply learn to ignore, you fucking idiot?

Let's not even get started on the time Pixel banned BlindedOtaku (Who I really despise because he's annoying) from his after some internal drama on his server on December 30th 2018. I wouldn't like to get into details because I can't remember what exactly happened nor I care. The last thing I remember about the drama is that I brought BlindedOtaku to the server after being kicked because he told me so and elaborate on his account on what happened. Then Pixel banned him for good and told me "You tried."

What's the point of this post? The point of this thread is just pretty much ranting about my history with Pixel as "friends," even though I've always had a distance with him and to show off that I wholeheartedly don't recommend you talking to him for the faint of heart, especially after this whole drama happened.

I would say that he can be a very difficult person to talk with, but he's not, the last time I had a relatively normal conversation with him is that if he gets the laggy cutscenes in the PC port of Persona 4 Golden, which he told me it only affects laptop users (Well shit).

Now, here comes the ultimate question: Should Pixelbuster be cancelled?

Well, I'm an edgy person so I would say yes, but at the same time, I don't condone cancel culture and he should own up to his mistakes, so absolutely not. I don't like Pixel for what he is regardless of the drama, I probably won't redeem myself on liking him more, but for the faint of heart, I don't want him to be cancelled. I heard that he's admitted his mistakes so it's something. Even if he were to own up to his mistakes and apologize, he’s now been fired from Final Weapon, if shit goes a little too far outside of Final Weapon, then his career as a journalist has indeed been ruined. To reiterate, no, Pixelbuster should not be cancelled. (At this point he’s probably indeed cancelled.)

I was feeling tempted to talk about Pixelbuster since he's still present on Discord, I would probably talk to him about the situation, but because I need to keep my word about why do I dislike him, I decided to block him on Discord once and for all. I doubt I'd want to talk to him ever again. I was genuinely feeling soft on wanting to comfort the guy and I feel absolutely disgusted and I want to drill my head to suck all the blood from my brain for thinking that.

My biggest gripe with Pixel is that once I become a successful creator, when I make some despicable stories or say some dumb shit, he'd put me on the vein of MatPat and Disney, that’s how despicable he is. I’m sorry if I may sound egotistical and biased because I hate people’s opinions and stuff, but he’s one of the many things that turned me into the kind of person I am right now, an egotistical dude who has a deep hatred for literally anyone’s opinions, criticims, everything else, even small complaints, because I’m easy to get my thoughts dictated and I always disagree and refuse to believe anyone by (occasionally) insult and fight back directly at them.

A few hours ago, he had returned to Twitter only to make a TwitLonger about his statement, I probably wouldn’t care to read the whole thing, but the most important parts is that he’s gone off the face of the internet for good and he’s getting a proper job now. I wish I could have tell him some final words for him, but I can’t even bother.

And there you go, that’s the end of my experience with Pixelbuster. Totally unrelated to the review copy drama, but I wanted to tell everyone how unlikeable he’s always been. And with that said, I’m finally free! I’m finally free from being associated with this scumbag (even though we probably hadn’t interacted much but I’ve always seen his activities that seriously drove me insane), he, his Discord server and the people on it, everything can go to hell with him.

P.S. What’s with the Nitocris thumbnail? Well, Nitocris was his waifu, he’s always had Nitocris images as his profile pictures, but recently he had a new icon of a commission of his OC. That makes me think his love for Nitocris has ceased.

Check out my Carrd.