#sorry for being so rude about january don't take it personally if you love january

[qqueenofhades]

Last anon here -- I'm sorry for sending that message through. I don't know what is and isn't true anymore.

I deleted what I presume was your first ask (the one accusing me of not condemning the Gaza genocide and calling me a "DNC shill and a liar") because it was rude, uncalled for, and I couldn't see any good to come of engaging with it. However, because you've returned and apologized and sent this followup, I am willing to answer it, because I am aware that we can all do stupid things (especially on the internet) that we regret. So there is that.

Once again: I have strictly limited my posts/reblogs on this topic because it is so inflammatory, there are reams of people willing to attack you on every side, and none of it is actually constructive (this is the blue hellsite where we have two whole jokes about Ea-Nasir and color theory in children's hospitals. We are not doing important social justice work here and expecting this to be the main/only forum in which we post the Correct Opinions is not going to work out for anyone). But I would like, for the record, to point out that I have condemned the situation in Gaza and explicitly called it a genocide and Netanyahu and co. war criminals. Often and repeatedly:

Ask from October 28, 2023:

What’s happening to the Gazans right now is no qualification or equivocation, a genocide. It should rightfully be opposed and called what it is. But unfortunately, I have spent too much time around Western Online Leftists to believe they actually care a whit about stopping genocide as a fundamental principle, and only want to be seen to loudly care about what their Ideology has told them to care about. [...] To put it bluntly, those genocides are being committed by nation-states that Online Leftists like for being “anti-Western,” and therefore their activities are actually fine and should even need to be defended.

Another post from December 2023 explicitly calling out Netanyahu and his cabinet, while also pointing out that Tumblr's response now mostly consisted of antisemitic dogwhistles and rampant political misinformation:

[...] the way Netanyahu is personally a genocidal maniac with a far-right cabinet of war criminals and is bent on continuing the war in order to escape his own criminal prosecutions (and yes, he is HIGHLY affiliated with Trump and Putin) but this somehow still does not remotely justify or excuse the rampant frothingly mindless and generalized anti-Semitism seen everywhere on leftist spaces these days [....]

An ask from January 10th, 2024 (worth probably reading in full) where I once more say that nobody wants this to be happening, but that once again, the criticism in Western leftist forums (particularly Tumblr/Twitter) is not made equally or in good faith :

Nobody of basic good sense and decency wants to see Gaza leveled while the Israeli state continues to apply a number of violently cruel collective punishments even outside the actual daily bombing of civilians. But for the love of god, let’s get rid of the idea that the continued mindless violence doesn’t benefit Hamas (because it does; unsurprisingly, sympathy for their cause has soared in Gaza) as much as it does Israel, or that Hamas is some kind of benevolent peacemaker that is being thwarted by the cruel imperialist US/West.

This post, also from January 2024, explains why the kind of stunt-trick "pro Palestinian" activism that just relies on publicly hassling Jews is a) antisemitic and b) actively harming the people of Gaza, while once again pointing out whose fault this whole mess actually is:

If these people actually wanted to advocate constructively for Palestine in a good-faith way and not just punish random Jews or people who might have once met a Jew (which they don’t), they would take a look at that, go “hmm, this isn’t really getting the right result” and listen to the people who are telling them that by generating this bad publicity, they are doing far more harm to the cause than good. They are going to make the cause look foolish, they will drive away anyone who isn’t already radicalized, they will shut down any possibility of discussion and dialogue, and their efforts will be picked up in the Israeli nationalist right-wing media/Netanyahu and his war criminal advisors to insist to left-wing or anti-zionist Jews that (one of the, you know, big fucking reasons Israel was founded in the first place) they aren’t safe in any other country in the world, and they need to support the Israeli government’s actions, no matter how heinous.

A follow-up from January 31, 2024, discussing (again) the problems with insisting that Biden personally/the American power apparatus is just giving Israel a blank check and therefore Biden Iz Bad And This is All His Fault:

Once again: I strongly disagree with the idea of just giving Israel/Netanyahu a blank check to keep committing atrocities, but I also need to repeatedly point out that Biden isn’t doing that. His initial unconditional support of Israel after October 7 (which at the time was the correct response) has shifted to a much more measured and conditional approach where he has muted the overtly pro-Israel statements and started talking about a two-state solution and the need to protect the lives of civilians and trying to keep a lid on what could become a REALLY bad situation with all kinds of war-hungry powers eager to jump into the Middle East and blow it completely to hell.

I am a historian. This does not mean that I always know The Greatest Things Ever, but it does mean that I default toward long, cautious, and qualified responses where I try to consider multiple perspectives and nuances, rather than just posting pithy soundbites or black-and-white statements. (Yes, I know; I am doomed on social media.) Thus when I do discuss the situation, I tend toward trying to put it in broader context, to push back sharply against the idea that being "pro Palestine" is just being wildly antisemitic on social media and nothing else, and to call out those bad actors who are using this situation to continue to imperil American democracy and deliberately try to get Trump (who openly hankers to be a genocidal fascist dictator for everyone, not just Israel/Palestine) back into office.

I know that this is a situation which provokes (to say the least) strong emotions from everyone. I know that it's infuriating to feel totally helpless and just to have to watch it from afar. I know that we all wish we could stop it and that leads us to create meaning or assign importance to our own actions where there actually is none. But that does not mean that people have total liberty to spread antisemitic conspiracy theories, wild political misinformation, narratives designed whether unwittingly or deliberately to help Trump and other far-right fascists, and otherwise anonymously dogpile on people who haven't Posted The Correct Opinion on Tumblr (once again, Tumblr, where we get our news via Destiel meme). So I hope this has helped you, if this is what you wanted to get out of contacting me today, and hope also that you'll continue to think about what to do and how to act. It's hard, I know, and you have my sympathy. But so it is for us all.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia

I'm so sorry you've been experiencing difficulties recently. I'm sending all my love and light your way and hope you start to feel a little less shitty soon.

P.s - Do you mind sharing your tiktok so we can follow you there too? Or is it a private acc?

Lots of love to you <3

It's not private! It's just not updated very often. Overall I'm more active on Instagram. But neither are private. The Tiktok is very art-focused so it might not be what you're looking for. But it's also pretty harmless overall.

And thank you anon <3

The last few days I had to stop writing and like...quickly redo my schedule for December and cut it back a little, which always makes me sad, but I'm trying to conserve my mental health as well as my physical. I realised I met all the criteria for a pretty serious depressive episode late last week (I have, alongside severe PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, which is the one that will kill me if I don't keep an eye on it -> though I'm happy to report I'm not like in a very like 'I don't want to live' space right now, I can just tell I'm feeling / experiencing a lot of the red flags that go in that direction), and if I don't act now, that tends to lead to pretty bad places.

So I've redone the schedule for December and that will come out likely on Friday or Saturday. And then I'll only be posting during January for half of the month, and not the whole month, and taking off two weeks re: posting. Hopefully these are the sorts of things which will head off me needing to go into hiatus because I desperately don't want to do that <3

I can already tell I'm doing a little better after being a lot firmer with some boundaries, and also just...with myself re: taking more time off. I wish I didn't feel so guilty about it? But that's not anyone's fault here, that's shit to work on with my therapist/s, lol.

Today I spent around 3 hours researching a response to an ask (whoops), and then realised - not through any one person's actions but a bunch at once - that I need to kind of stop engaging with facecast stuff (nothing wrong with facecasting, the problem is wholly on me there and I wish I'd seen that sooner and saved people some pain and saved me from some rudeness).

I put away the shopping (we have a really good grocery delivery system here which is great for my disabilities etc.), and had some raspberries, and put on the Christmas tree lights.

I was so tired at lunch that I could only manage a bowl of cereal (and couldn't eat breakfast. I think my therapist would be like 'why are you putting three hours of research into responding to something instead of focusing on eating food' but well, whoops? Lol. To be fair I thought it would be way easier to answer, but Tumblr's search function is SO broken).

I fed my wonderful cat, Maybe, and got some sleep in the afternoon and then did some writing (1,200 words) on Palmarosa. It's like 7.00pm right now, and I'm going to put up some chapter commentaries on Patreon and Ream.

Tonight I might do some watercolour art, and I'm hoping to finish Palmarosa tomorrow.

December is actually a hard time of year for me anyway. It's the month that has the most chronological / time-based triggers, and my therapists know this and I'm hearing a lot of 'how are you in the lead up to December' which is about to become 'how are you coping with December.'

I'm grateful for small pleasures. Like my dahlias are looking pretty awesome right now. Here's some photos of this week (some art I'm working on, Maybe being cute, or screm, dahlia, Christmas set up, T-Rex ornament, Santa Platypus ornament):

[darkromanceenthusiast]

Hi! This is my first time requesting literally anything on tumblr and I'm kinda nervous, I don't know if you're taking matchups or even do them but if you are, may I please be matched up to a slasher s/o?

Here's me:

My name is Zoey! :D Female, blue eyes, wavy brown hair that stops a little past my shoulders, and I'm kinda chubby. Technically speaking, I'm mixed because of my dad, but I got my mom's (white) skin tone. I'm only 5'3, sadly. I LOVE ANIMALS! I've always loved them since I was a toddler, and my favorite one throughout my whole life from baby to now has been tigers! I love tigers, and they're something I talk about a lot. I am heavily suspected to have ADHD, and possibly autism. I have freckles along my nose, but they're kinda faint. Gotta be real close to see em. Personality wise, I actually find myself to be in the middle of extroverted and introverted. I've been described as a chihuahua, because I'm only nice to people who are nice back. I get rude when people are rude first. Though, I do have anger issues (thanks dad), so I think it's safe to say sometimes I get rude for the slightest reasons. And get angry for the slightest reasons. I hate expressing my feelings. Don't ever try to be my therapist. I honestly really love the outdoors. I think animals and nature are my biggest comforts, if not my only comforts. I want to be a vet in the future, like I said before, I've always loved animals. It's a huge dream of mine! <3 I will not base off looks, I base off personality. You could look like you just crawled out of Satan, but have a good heart, and we're dating. I guess I'm pretty extroverted, but I do like being alone. Maybe just 1 friend every once in a while.. My hobbies would probably include doing lots of research on plants and animals, drawing, etc. If this matters, I'm a January Aquarius! I'm very protective, I'd say. Once or twice accidently been labeled as violent.. I think I might come off as a chaotic lawful, possibly neutral.

I'm so sorry if that came off as monotone!! I'm not the best with writing, that's my cousin's thing, but I hope this is enough info to match me up with someone if you do! <3

I pair you with

- Bo Sinclair

I know this man probably wasn’t who you had in mind but let me explain. Bo is crazy enough to back you up on your chihuahua nature, bo is put together enough to help you with your ADHD and keep you on track, and Bo is also more than capable of staying cool during your angry outburst once he realizes they aren’t at him, I truly believe bo is very caring of those he actually gets into relationships with, also if you want alone time this man is more than happy to fuck off and let you do you

[moononastring]

I love Gigi’s Tea Time and I’m actually in need of some friends to talk to so I hope you’re cool with me just word vomiting at you for a minute.

Me and my friend Matt have known eachother since we were 14 and we’re 27 now so it’s been a long time. We went to school together, worked together for like 8 years, he lived with me at one point for a few weeks because he was in a rough spot and now we’re work out buddies.

We HAVE NEVER been more than friends EVER. We started losing weight together in January and both have lost over 70 pounds and we’re looking good feeling good all that jazz.

He asked me to go to a wedding with him a few months ago and it was today and we went. I was assuming as friends because in all this time we’ve never so much as like thought about kissing or anything. Yeah we hug but I hug all my friends.

I know most of his family and we were all talking and his mom comes up and is like I’m so glad you guys finally got together. When I say I almost spit my drink out I literally started choking. I explained we were just friends still and apparently he was telling his family we were together. I confronted him about it and he didn’t even deny it and told me to my face that he had always thought I was the “perfect girl for him” but he just never found me attractive until now. This wedding was over an hour away from home so I just sort of let it simmer and tried to just brush it off. But now that I’m home I’ve been like sobbing for an hour because not only was that just heart breaking to me but also I feel like I just don’t even want to be friends with someone I really cared about and it sucks so bad. I just want to know if I’m over reacting because it just felt so mean to me and like our whole relationship has been… idk: like I was so good personality wise and now that he finds me attractive he thinks he’s entitled to me? Idk I’ve just never been more upset at something someone has said to me and he didn’t even think it was wrong. 😭 He tried to kiss me at the wedding and when he dropped me off at home and I just avoided it and now he’s texting me asking me what’s wrong and I don’t even know how to respond 😭 like do I explain hey you’re an asshole? Do I just let it go? Ugh.

Oh darling, I'm sorry the night didn't turn out the way you expected it!

First of all, congratulations on that weight loss journey! That's a huge deal and you casually said it like over 70 pounds isn't a massive achievement! I hope you're feeling your healthiest yet and feeling amazing in your body!

Second of all, you are not overreacting. I'm sorry that he said that to you. It was very unkind and rude. Your feelings are absolutely valid and I'm always going to tell anyone in a situation like this — that this is something you want to hash out.

You've been friends with this person for SO long and clearly, he's been a good guy for all the time you've known him. Because of that, I think it's a situation that deserves an explanation. For your sake first, I would encourage you to have a conversation only to clear things up and figure out boundaries for this friendship. He needs to understand why what we said/did was wrong and how it hurt you. He made a decision about the two of you without including you in it, which was very bold and disrespectful. He never asked you out? You two have never discussed anything about being more than friends? Why does he think that it automatically means you're together? He's making moves on you without once discussing it or asking you if this is what you want. He needs to take several steps back because it seems like he crossed the line with you.

I obviously don't know either of you personally and you'll know him and the nature of your relationship better than I ever would but I think in order to see how you feel and where you stand in this friendship moving forward, a conversation is necessary. Some guys really are that dumb and if he's been a part of your life for this long, it needs to be explained. I don't recommend over text. If you're up for replying, tell him y'all need to talk about what happened today because you ended the night feeling unhappy and unsettled. From there, see when you feel comfortable talking about it with him. Don't wait too long to talk it out because it'll fester.

But more importantly, don't you dare let his lack of tact/brain make you feel any less amazing about yourself. You are amazing on the inside, and you are amazing on the outside. Just because HE happened to realize NOW that you've been attractive all along, doesn't mean anything other than he's been blind lol.

Again, I'm sorry what he did/said made you feel this way. You're doing amazing and you seem like such a great friend to him. Let yourself process how you feel for the rest of the night and even tomorrow then address it. If it made you feel like this, it's not something that should be brushed under the rug.

Feel your feels my darling but then set him straight when you're feeling calm and ready to talk it out.

I heart you bby <3

[amyscascadingtabs]

i’ll walk through hell with you

chapter 2: i guess truth is what you believe in

read chapter one

read on ao3 here

Amy and Leah visit family, a holiday is celebrated, and illness takes over the Santiago-Peralta household.

december

If there is one thing Amy is certain of, stuck in the car with 97 miles to go and an overtired toddler in the back seat, it is that something must be seriously wrong with her. 

No one in their right mind says yes to a family weekend upstate with all siblings and their families nine days before Christmas. Not when it’s a three-hour drive. Not while they’re already left alone to care for their child for the weekend due to a time-sensitive and crucial opportunity coming up in a case Jake has worked for two months. Not when previously mentioned child is recovering from a cold and is ten times more cranky and attention-craving than normal. 

Except - apparently - Amy.

She doesn't know what the fuck she was thinking. 

She knows some thought went into her plan, such as the idea to drive late at night so Leah could sleep in the car. She simply wishes it could have worked, because right now the toddler is singing Wheels On The Bus for the seventeenth time in forty minutes and Amy feels like her head is going to explode. It's a quarter to ten, over two hours past the kid’s bedtime, and so far she refuses to fall asleep. She's wide awake in her seat, chatting and laughing and singing like there’s no tomorrow. If Amy had as much as a spare drop of energy left -even better, if there had been another parent in the car to focus on entertaining their child - the whole thing would have been adorable, but tonight it’s exhausting above anything else. 

“Maaa-maaa?” Leah shouts the word from the back seat, wildly kicking her legs against the back cushioning, and Amy has to take a deep breath before she can reply in a calm tone. 

“Yes, baby?” 

“Are we there?”

“Not yet, Lee.”

Amy can see the reflection of Leah scrunching her forehead in the baby car mirror. “Why?”

“Because we still have a little way left to drive. We’ll be there soon, I promise.”

“Soon?” Leah shines up, kicking her legs again. “When is soon?”

“It will go faster if you close your eyes for a while,” She tries, using one of the oldest parenting tricks in the book. “I promise.”

“Not tired!” Her daughter responds in her cheeriest voice, and Amy gives herself a mental pat on the back for stifling a groan.

They repeat this exchange about ten times or so before Leah tires of it and returns to her singing. At that point, Amy’s counting it as a win. As much as she loves being this kid’s mom, there are indubitably times - and late-night drives with an overtired two-year-old in the back seat - when she loves it less. 

Then Leah falls asleep for the last ten miles of the drive and clutches her arms and legs around Amy like a koala to a tree when she’s lifted out of her car seat and carried to bed, and it’s easier than ever to love being a mom.

-

There’s never an uneventful day with all of the Santiagos in the same house, and it’s not any more relaxing with the extra presence of six partners, twelve grandchildren, and one dog. From the moment Amy and Leah make their way down to the kitchen for breakfast, and the toddler finds out there might be a cookie baking session with grandma happening today, the day is in full swing. Leah joins her in facetiming Jake for a few minutes to say good morning, but after that, Amy barely sees her daughter for more than a split second in several hours.

The chaos is a welcome distraction. She plays Cards Against Humanity with Luis’s teenage daughters and Julian until Simon starts begging them to help him make a YouTube video, and she teaches five-year-old Noah how to draw the perfect portrait of a horse. She reads a story to three-year-old Maisie, and she laughs heartily at the sight of Leah chasing Oscar the Bichon Frise around while yelling Kitty Cat!. For a few, wondrous hours, Amy manages to live in blissful oblivion over the two starkly negative pregnancy tests she unceremoniously shoved in the bathroom trash can before leaving yesterday, and it feels like heaven.

It feels like heaven up until she joins the crew of brothers and partners currently taking up space in the kitchen. Her brother Isaac is parked in the middle of the kitchen couch, feeding the youngest Santiago member, just-turned one-month-old Milo, with a bottle; around him Camila, Luis, Tony and his wife Clara all fawn over and admire every aspect of the newborn’s appearance. Christian, Julian and Julian’s husband Lucas are at the other end of the kitchen cuddling with and doting on the exhausted dog, and Amy silently curses her allergies for making her unable to join them. Simon just brought out his camera in the living room and she refuses to risk another unwilling YouTube appearance, so her only option is to sit down with the team of awestruck baby-admirers. 

“You forget how tiny they are,” Luis says, watching the infant with a nostalgic glance in his eyes. “I’ve had five, and you never get used to it.”

“You don’t,” Camila confirms with a small laugh, reaching out to stroke the baby’s closed fist with her thumb and index finger. “Not even I do. I’m shocked every time!” 

“I thought I remembered everything from when Maisie was born.” Isaac grins, giving the empty baby bottle to Camila and carefully lifting the infant upright against his shoulder. “But then he comes out, and I think he must be several pounds lighter because surely Maisie was never this tiny, but he was bigger!” He shakes his head. “It’s insane.”

“He’s so cute,” Tony chimes in. “Do you get to sleep anything? I’m nervous about that.” His left hand is resting next to Clara’s on top of her visible baby bump. Amy lets out an audible snort upon hearing about her brother’s main cause for worry, but Isaac just grins.

“You get used to it. It’ll probably be worse for Clara anyway.”

“Great.” Clara grimaces, turning to Amy. “I can’t even sleep now! I either have a baby sleeping on top of my bladder or kicking me in the ribs for the whole night.”

“I remember.” She smiles, thinking back to the few times late in her pregnancy she’d made Jake sleep on the couch only because she couldn’t stand listening to his snoring on top of it all. “It sucks, and then everyone keeps telling you to sleep while you still can and you’re trying not to punch them.”

“Exactly!” Her sister-in-law laughs, tucking a strand of red-blonde hair behind her ear. “At least everyone says it’s worth it.”

“If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have done it so many times,” says Camila, and Clara looks relieved. “Oh, Amy, you need to hold Milo for a little while! He’s been in everyone’s arms except for yours today. Isaac, send him to Amy.”

“Oh.” She squirms in her seat, a nervous feeling in the pit of her stomach. “It’s okay. I was just going to look for Leah anyway -”

“Leah’s upstairs doing puzzles with Sarah and Samuel,” Isaac explains, referring to David’s two-year-old twins. “She’s fine. You can hold him, Ames.”

“I think I’m good… okay, no choice, I see.” Her younger brother’s already holding out the infant to her, and before she can adjust to the thought, there’s a tiny, yawning baby in her arms.

It’s achingly familiar, yet it feels like it’s been forever. 

At first, it’s like every muscle fiber in her body tenses with the sudden awareness that there's a fragile, helpless human in her arms and the weight of terrifying responsibility resting with her for a moment. It's been two years since Amy last held a newborn, and she certainly forgot how breakable they feel when they haven't learned to support their own head. Then Milo lets out a content sigh, his mouth twitching like he's smiling at her, and although she knows he's too small and it's likely just gas, the brief facial expression makes her feel chosen.

She's missed this, she realizes. Noting the classic Santiago baby appearance traits, the head of dark hair and the little button nose, she thinks of countless hours spent holding her own clingy newborn two years ago, and bites her lip when she remembers that she still has no idea when she’ll get to do it again. Milo’s adorable, and Amy's secretly wishing he could stay in her arms forever or she could steal him and take him home with her, but he's also a painful reminder of what she wants most and doesn't have yet.

“He likes you,” Isaac comments, nodding towards the infant. “You and Jake haven’t thought of having another one?”

She freezes at the sound of his question, instantly clueless about what constitutes a good reply. She could tell him the truth, of course, and probably receive a flood of well-meaning advice about the best ways to conceive, but doing so would lead to expectations. Santiagos aren’t known for struggling to have kids, and she’s terrified of handling a hoard of family members subtly trying to figure out whether or not she's pregnant every time they see her. It's enough pressure coming from herself. She doesn't need people adding to it - least of all her family. 

“Oh,” she says instead, avoiding eye contact by playing with one of Milo’s fists. “Well, we’re not sure yet.”

“Two years is the best age span between siblings,” Luis chimes in. “We always tried to aim for two years and our kids are super close.”

“Yes, yes, two years is perfect,” Camila agrees, nodding eagerly. “The adjustment is much more difficult when they’ve turned three, or four, and suddenly they’re not the youngest anymore… Sometimes I think Tony never got over his grudges against Simon!” 

“I’m telling you, mom, that’s not it, we have a grudge because four years ago he made me do that awful cinnamon challenge that almost gave me an asthma attack and filmed it -”

“Two years is great,” Christian interrupts his younger brother’s story without remorse. “We went for two years between Isabel and Noah and it was perfect. You do want to have more than one kid, right?”

Amy has never wished harder for a baby in her arms to start crying. 

She needs to get away, out of the situation where she has to hear and answer these sudden intrusive questions, but Milo shows no signs of waking. She’s stuck with a panicky, claustrophobic sensation in her chest and a forced smile on her lips. 

“We do,” she replies to Christian’s question, weighing every word carefully. “We’re just not sure when.”

“No point in waiting,” says Isaac, looking at the baby in Amy’s arms. “I wish we’d had Milo earlier!”

There must be a lack of air in the room, or her allergy medicines have stopped working and are making her react to the dog, because she can’t shake the feeling she’s suffocating. She's feeling trapped even in the spacious kitchen, and although she knows everyone has their eyes fixed on Milo, she can't shake the feeling it's her they're staring at. 

She wonders if they're seeing right through her; if they somehow know about negative pregnancy tests of yesterday, or if they can sense her desperation and frustration in the fake smile plastered on her face.

“I suppose you never know,” she answers somehow, heart pounding too quickly. “I, uh… have to go to the bathroom. Do you want to hold him for a little while, Clara?”

Amy senses eyes on her as she sneaks out the kitchen, hurries through the hallway and grabs her coat before heading out and sitting down on the porch, but she can't bring herself to care. She has to fill her lungs with fresh air and get away from well-meaning but prying questions, or she’s going to have a full-on breakdown. 

There’s a layer of snow on the ground, too thin for any children or adults to be playing in but enough to give a sense of hope for a white Christmas. She scrapes her fingers through the minuscule ice crystals gathered on the wooden decking, drawing an uneven heart with her index finger and following it with another. 

You do want to have more than one kid, right?

She draws a third, smaller heart below the two bigger ones.

You and Jake haven’t thought of having another one anytime soon? 

She draws a fourth tiny heart next to the third one.

No point in waiting.

She hides her fist in the sleeve of her winter coat, rubbing it over her drawings and turning them into nothingness. She curses the fact that Jake’s working, that he and Rosa are following up some highly important leads today and their mission would likely be sabotaged if she called and interrupted her husband now, and she curses the fact that Leah’s having the time of her life playing with her cousins and would probably scream in protest if Amy tried to steal her for cuddles. 

It’s not too cold outside with her warm coat keeping her comfortable, but she’s still shivering, so she wraps her arms around herself and tries to blink away the tears taking form in her eyes.

She’s aware she’s being ridiculous. Having a baby takes more than a couple months of trying in many, many cases - the majority of them, even. She’s far from unique, yet a sneaking suspicion and vexing anxiety are lingering with her. 

No point in waiting.

She puts one hand on her chest and one hand over her stomach, trying to focus on the fresh air flowing in through her nose and out through her mouth, filling and leaving her for each inhale and exhale.

“Just relax,” she whispers to herself, pretending it's Jake's voice saying the words, his unwavering belief that it will all be fine she's listening to. 

“Are you sure you’re still my sister? Have you had some kind of personality change?” 

“Huh?” Amy almost jumps at the sound of Julian’s voice, bringing her out of her focused breathing and forcing her to look up.

“You’re willingly outside in the cold weather,” he declares, slumping down next to her. “Even with a coat on, that's impressive for you.” She notes that he's only wearing a hoodie himself and seems unbothered by the temperature.

“I needed fresh air.”

“Because of Oscar? I swear his breed is supposed to be allergy-friendly, we researched that stuff in depth. Maybe your allergies are just undefeatable?”

“No, it’s fine as long as I don't pet him.” Amy places a hand on her brother's shoulder, squeezing it. “Oscar’s great. Leah's in love with him.”

“Isn't he amazing?” Julian's grin is comically wide, his eyes sparkling with undiluted pride. “He can sit, and roll, and catch, and play dead if he gets enough candy! Parenthood is incredible. I’m so glad our kids get along.” He doesn't entirely sound like he’s joking, and Amy can't help but laugh at his excitement. “So if it wasn't Oscar, why did you leave?”

“Were you listening to the conversation?”

“Eh, bits and pieces. How so?”

She sighs. “They - mom, and Isaac and Christian, mostly - interrogated me about whether we’re planning to have another baby anytime soon.”

“And you’re not?”

“We are! We’re actively trying for it.”

“Oh! Cool,” Julian nods, scratching the stubble on his chin. “I can get behind that. I wouldn't have anything against reproducing with those Peralta genes either if I could.” Amy elbows her brother in the side at that, probably way harder than necessary, and it makes him gasp in offense. “Hey! It’s just objective facts that he's attractive!”

“I’m telling Lucas you said that.”

“Lucas agrees. Either way - if you actually are trying, what's with the tears and the sudden storming out?”

“I didn't storm out,” she protests, and he gives her a meaning look of judgment as if to say yes, you did. “And it's nothing.”

Julian snorts. “Sure it is.”

“It's not a big deal.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“It's just making me a little stressed is all.” 

“A little.”

“Okay, okay, fine.” Amy groans, placing her head in both hands and quickly running her fingers through her hair. There's a knot in the back of it, and she busies herself trying to pull it apart as she speaks. “We are trying. It's just not going very well yet, I guess. It’s making me nervous, and it's not something I want to tell everyone in our family about, because, well… we’re not exactly known for struggling with that.”

Julian is silent, and there’s a moment where Amy wonders if she’s managed the impossible. For all their countless petty fights and differences, Julian has always had a reply to offer her. Sometimes he’s supportive, sometimes questioning, and sometimes he’s all over judging her decisions, but he never ignores her worries when she chooses to confide in him. It throws her off to see him take so long to answer her now, and she watches him twist the white gold wedding ring on his finger absentmindedly while he grimaces.

“No,” he says right as she starts to consider tapping him on the shoulder to make sure he’s conscious. “I guess we’re not known for struggling with anything. Has this… been a problem for a long time?”

“A couple of months.”

“...Is that a long time? I’m not great with this heterosexual business. I’m much better with waiting times for adopting a dog.”

The corner of her mouth twitches. “It’s not that long. But it’s longer when you don’t have a lot of time to begin with.” Julian looks about as perplexed as if she’d been trying to explain the intricate details of quantum physics to him, and she clarifies. “Fertility decreases as you age.”

“Right. Yeah.”

“I’m thirty-nine. Maybe I shouldn't panic yet, but in a year, or two…” Amy shakes her head. “It gets really low. Higher chances of miscarrying. Chromosome variations. Premature birth. You name it. Basically, the sooner I get pregnant now, the better and safer it is for everyone.”

“I see.”

“So there's some time pressure,” she explains further, connecting her hands inside the coat sleeves to eliminate the cold that's started to seep in. “And it’s making me terrified something's wrong with me already. That it's not going to work. That we’ll never be able to have a second kid. I know that's maybe not the end of the world, but… I really, really want it, and I’d be heartbroken if it didn’t happen.”

A pair of stubborn, humiliating teardrops make their way down her cheeks at the thought, and she untangles her hands to quickly wipe them away. 

“I’m sure it'll work out, Ames.” Julian's smile is partly sympathetic and partly insecure when he speaks, like this subject is miles out of his comfort zone but he's trying his best anyway. “As you said, two months is nothing, right? Mom was like, 42 when she had Simon. Surely if anyone's got the genes for this, it’s our family.”

“Yeah. It's never a guarantee, though, and I can’t handle their questions. Two years is the best time between siblings,” she imitates in an exaggerated high-pitched tone, and Julian laughs heartily. “As if I wasn’t already pressuring myself about the same thing. But I can't tell them that, because then they’d start asking.”

“Mm, our family does lack all understanding of what privacy is sometimes.” Julian grins. “There are several options even for gay men! Surrogates! Adoption! I read this article in a magazine where a pair co-parented with lesbians!” His shrill imitation tone is awful and hilarious at the same time, making Amy snicker. “I think she was mad at me for weeks after I told her we were happy with a dog. She means well, but it just becomes a lot.”

“Doesn’t get easier when it’s something you already want, either.” 

“You’ll be fine.”

“Maybe. I hope so.”

“If not, I’m pro-dogs. They’re pretty much like children, except you don’t have to create a college fund for them. A win-win situation if it weren’t for the fact that owning a dog could probably kill you. But other than that!” Julian stretches his arms over his head, looking mighty proud of himself. “Solid.”

“I’m already busy trying to talk Jake out of buying a cat,” says Amy, massaging her temples at the thought. “But he’s managed to get Leah obsessed with them, so I think I’m losing.”

“That’s why she’s calling Oscar a cat! Wow. Jake’s a genius.”

“Well, that and she’s two. And please don’t ever tell him that, because his ego would literally explode.”

Amy can feel her face going numb from the cold outside, a sudden gust of wind coming at them and making her eyes tear for a new reason. The fact that she’s lost track of time hits her, awakening an uneasiness and a sudden need to get inside and check up on how her daughter’s doing, so she gives Julian a quick, rare hug, and is surprised when he squeezes her back for a long time.

“Thanks for coming out,” she mumbles, and he nods.

“Of course. I just don’t like seeing you cry.”

“Aww, that’s kind of sweet.”

“You look so weird when you do,” he says with a smirk, and she rolls her eyes at the mock insult. “No one should have to see that.”

“Fuck off, Jules.”

“Yep. Now let’s go make sure our kids are still alive and haven’t eaten any couches. Is that a thing with human children too?”

~

january

It’s a good Christmas.

It’s a Christmas where Amy can allow herself some time to relax and unwind, put her worries aside and focus on her family during the ten days both her and Jake manage to garner off work. It’s a long-awaited and dearly welcomed break from early daycare drop-offs, ten-minute-dinners, and infinite planning to make sure nothing is forgotten. 

Instead there is time for slow wakeups, snuggling with Leah when she crawls into their bed in the early hours of the morning and giving in to her request of watching iPad in their bed only so they can keep their eyes closed for a little while longer. There's time for late-night conversations over a glass of wine that don't feel rushed because at least they don't have somewhere to be tomorrow, and there's time to properly see friends outside of work for the first time in what feels like forever. They go to dinner at Terry’s house, watch Rosa enjoy the indoor trampoline park even more than Leah does, and they gratefully accept Charles’ offer to babysit their daughter for a night. Amy figures the man has a specific motive in mind, but then Jake suggests they spend the night at a hotel and Leah gets ecstatic at the mention of watching Disney movies with her uncle Charles and Nikolaj, so she ends up saying yes. She’s only human, after all, and she’s not going to neglect the rare and precious chance of a sleep-in.

(The date also times mysteriously well with when she should be ovulating.)

(She does not want to ask.)

Even the yearly Christmas dinner with the Santiagos ends up being survivable. Although there are kids crying, odd snarky comments between Tony and Simon, and Leah outright refuses to wear anything but her sequined dinosaur shirt and glittery tights to the event, things proceed smoothly and Amy’s stress levels remain on the healthier part of the scale. She watches Jake hold and make funny faces at Milo and can feel her mom giving them meaning looks from across the room, but she breathes through it and silently thanks the Universe when Leah chooses that exact moment to climb onto Amy’s lap and ask if they can read one of her new books. Sure, part of her wishes she could be gifting her husband a crafted announcement with a baby onesie and a positive pregnancy test much like the ones she’s pinned on Pinterest, but the tender way he hugs her thank you after he opens his gift and sees the photo book filled with pictures with him and Leah, is more than enough to ease her sorrow. He gifts her a gold necklace with the letters J and L in separate miniature hearts, and when he tells her it’s so she can always be keeping them next to her own heart, she tears up and kisses him so long and ardently that he looks a little dazed, blinking with surprise when they part.

It’s a good New Year’s Eve, too. They spend the first part of the evening at the Holt-Cozner New Year’s Party, listening to their daughter proudly tell every guest she’s going to stay up until midnight, and then they try not to laugh when she passes out the moment she’s in her car seat at half-past nine. Jake and Amy end their year in pajamas on the couch, toasting in champagne just for the sake of it and going right to bed afterward.

Next year we’ll have another baby, she thinks to herself before falling asleep about fifteen minutes into the new year, a new sense of shimmering optimism lingering with her. It has to have worked by then.

January is hell. Everyone knows it, specifically, everyone who’s had children at daycare, because January means no one is healthy and neither Jake nor Amy manage a full week at work without taking time off to care for a sick child or themselves. Amy prays they’ll make it through without any cases of stomach flu, but such seems to have been too much to ask, because she’s woken up by devastating crying from Leah’s room on the one night Jake’s doing a night shift and she knows before the two-year-old’s even started retching. 

She doesn’t get any sleep that night.

She doesn’t get any sleep the next night either, because when Leah stops throwing up and Amy feels like she can breathe again when the child keeps some applesauce down and asks if she can watch Doc McStuffins, it only takes three hours before Jake starts complaining about feeling sick. 

January must surely be some twisted sort of a joke, she thinks, and disinfects her hands an extra time before she goes to remind her very miserable husband that he’s not actually dying. 

It’s only natural, amid the virus-filled havoc, that it takes her a few days to realize she hasn’t gotten her period.  

Come to think of it, she is feeling a bit nauseous. The excessive fatigue and emotional imbalance she knows were early symptoms in her first pregnancy is harder to distinguish from the exhaustion after two intense days of caring for poorly family members, but she’s a mom and a Santiago and she categorically never gets sick. 

She gives the nausea a day, waiting for it to break out into the same flu Jake and Leah are already victims of, but it doesn’t. It stays the same.

Amy’s never been so excited about nausea in her life.

She waits until Leah’s gone to bed, falling asleep in Amy’s arms on the couch. The two-year-old’s still not quite her energetic, bubbly self and has been stuck to her parents like a needy band-aid for most of the day, and it could have been tiring if it hadn’t also meant lots of cuddles. Right now, though, Amy's arms and back are happy to get a break from carrying the kid around while she lays down next to Jake instead, spooning him and receiving a grateful smile when she starts playing with his hair.

“How are you feeling, babe?”

“Dying. I think I might be dead already,” he groans before turning his head and looking her in the eyes with feigned seriousness. “Please say something nice at my funeral and promise me you'll take care of Charles when I'm gone.”

“You're not dying, Jake.”

“How d’you know?”

“Because you haven't thrown up since last night and you only have a slight fever,” she reminds him, feeling his lukewarm forehead. “You're fine.”

“I am definitely much better with a hot girl draped on top of me,” he says with a smug expression, his hand gently stroking under her old NYPD shirt up her back. She rolls her eyes, because looks haven't exactly been the top priority for the last three days and she's not sure when she last washed her hair, yet Jake never stops making an effort to charm her. “How are you feeling, Ames?”

“Actually, I've been kind of nauseous all day. But I'm not sure it's stomach flu.”

“Huh? What else would it be?”

“I'm thinking,” she presses her index finger to his chest, “maybe I should take a pregnancy test.”

“Oh.” He squints at her. “Why?”

Amy gives him an exasperated look.

“Okay, yeah. But you’ve also spent the last three days taking care of your sick family. Leah was throwing up on us. Are you sure you're not just ill?”

“I have a good feeling,” she insists, because she does - there's a renewed sense of hope and blind faith that perhaps this could be it, resting with her. “And I never get sick.”

“Once again, your daughter was vomiting on you and I'm still convinced I might be dying. This is a brutal virus, Ames.”

“Clearly.” She runs her fingers through his messier-than-usual curls again, and his mouth shapes into a content smile despite his still worried eyes. “I’m still going to take that test, though. In case.”

“In case,” he repeats slowly. “Well, it’s your body.”

“Exactly.” She kisses his forehead. “You get it. I’ll be right back.”

Amy takes these tests with ease now. She’s been doing them two, three times extra following every first negative in a desperate hope for the result to change. False negatives are common, test results are safer the longer after a missed period they’re taken, and there’s no reason not to test an extra time. Long story short, she's becoming a pro at taking pregnancy tests, but so far the single lines and minus signs are staying the same.

She says a silent prayer this one will be an exception. 

Plastic cap off, pee for five seconds, plastic cap back on, lay the test flat and wait while trying not to freak out. She manages all steps but the final. 

She carries the little plastic stick out to the living room coffee table gently as if it had been made of glass.

“Three minutes,” she informs Jake, and he nods while she sets a timer on her phone. In three minutes, they'll know whether her good feeling is right or dead wrong, and the nausea increases but this time Amy thinks it's nerves.

She doesn't want to stare, but she does anyway, waiting for a second line to appear no matter how faint. Jake sits up next to her, taking her hand and rubbing his thumb over her knuckles, and she manages a weak smile without lifting her eyes from the test.

The timer goes off without a second line appearing. 

Amy lifts the test to inspect it closer, but there's not even a hint of anything. She gives it to Jake for a second opinion, and he inspects it just as closely before shaking his head and mumbling a quiet sorry, babe. 

She's not pregnant this month either.

“It’s okay, Ames. Three months is nothing.”

She doesn’t realize there are tears in her eyes until they’re trailing down her cheeks and Jake’s hand is there, wiping them away. She presses on his wrist to move it, make him stop because she’s not okay and she doesn’t want him pressuring her to feel anything but the searing disappointment coursing through her veins.

“It’s not,” she says, shaking her head. “I just feel so stupid. I thought I was feeling something.”

“You’re not stupid,” he tells her, and the tenderness in his voice erases her annoyance. “You want this really bad. I do, too, but… well, it’s not my body.”

“Not your body being a massive failure.”

“Hey!” Jake holds up one hand like he’s making a stop motion. “No one talks that way about my wife!”

“Ha-ha.”

“I’m serious! You don’t get to say those things, okay? You know it’s not true.” She hums a doubting sound, and he sighs, placing his arm around her shoulders. “Ames, we’ll just try again. We already did a great job once, and there are moments I wish we hadn’t, because if we didn’t have a toddler in daycare I would be so much healthier… okay, I still don’t regret it,” he adds. “Except maybe the daycare part, because I swear I’m sick all the time.”

“You love our daycare! Without it, you’d never get to eat that Scientology-guy’s chocolate chip cookies at every parent meeting.”

“Fair point. Craig, right? Weirdly good baker. Fine - I guess I don’t regret the daycare either. But you’re about to.”

This time, she’s the one squinting at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Still feeling nauseous?”

“Kind of, why are you… oh, no.”

“Oh, yes. Your immune system isn’t undefeatable!” 

“It’s still better than yours,” she counters, and Jake just grins.

“But not undefeatable.”

She gives him a slow nod, trying to hide the despondency on her face as she takes the negative test from his hands.

“I’m just going to throw this away.”

Amy is certain of it when she wakes up three hours later, almost throwing herself out of bed to make it to the bathroom in time - January is officially and unquestionably hell. 

~

[mooglemeet]

Hey there, some of your tags don't work (Free Companys) and it seems sometimes like its difficult to catch you by doing @'s so a lot of posts don't make it to this blog, maybe follow more rp blogs to get notified more regularly? I'm not sure how to fix that, but its sad to see :(

The Free Company’s issue looks to be something recent on tumblr’s end, as it’s worked previously, but I’ll try to go through the tag asap to see what’s going on and potentially change it if the issue persists (Because, ironically enough, server specific tagging like Balmung works despite following the same system.). Unfortunately, as far as tagging goes, this website can be extremely peculiar on what it accepts verses what it doesn’t, so I’m not surprised this issue has cropped up... it’s just extremely annoying. Functionality has never been tumblr’s strong suit and I think a lot of us can relate when we say that, if not for it’s popularity, we may have moved platforms a while ago.

Similarly, I’m not sure what to say about the @ issue other than I’ve addressed it numerous times in posts like these and in many, many asks where I have stressed that whatever spaghetti code possesses tumblr’s notification system is absolutely garbage. I’d love to be able to get to people’s posts in a timely matter but tumblr doesn’t always allow me to do so and then the posts are never followed up. I don’t even see a lot of asks at this point, which is absolutely ridiculous considering that’s one of the core aspects of tumblr’s site.

Granted, I do take responsibility for my absence over December/January but I’m a one person blog and I’m allowed to take breaks for the holidays. This isn’t run by a team; it’s not like the other compendiums that exist out there where multiple people handle aspects of the blog. @mooglemeet has always had the same single owner, moderator, etc. The people who have messaged me I plan on getting in contact with asap, but the blog has had lapses where I am unable to manage it for one reason or another. I apologise if I’m coming across as rude, because it’s not my intention, but I’ve had messages like this previously in the past and I feel like it’s important to remind people that I’m a one-moogle show and I don’t get paid to do this. I do it because I love it, I love giving back to this community, but this is something I do for fun and because of that I don’t always have to be here.

As it stands, the blog that @mooglemeet is connected to follows a lot of people. I’m not kidding -- a lot. I try to follow people wherever I can whilst also preserving the soft anonymity of this project, but honestly? Until a functional notification system is in place, following isn’t going to do much. All it serves is to make my feed saturated. Which, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind -- but it doesn’t fix the notifications issue.

Again, I’m sorry if this comes across as rude. It’s not pointed to you specifically; more that this ask has given me a springboard to sort of address the whole thing publicly. I appreciate you notifying me of the free company tag being broken and will work to fix it asap!

[flying-elliska]

Hello, how are you? I really like you blog, but I have notice that you are spreding a lot of misinformation about amazonia and the fire. Please don't take it the wrong way, it's a lit bit frustrating seeing so many people outside Brasil doind this, but I know it's not your fault. I'm from Brasil and our espacial research institute already said that most of the fire is from the part of amazonia that is in Bolivia, the "black cloud" in São Paulo is NOT from the fire, and even that (01/0?)

we are in the fire season, the number of fires is actually lower than most years (again, in the Brasil amazonia), also our president is very dumb and says a lot of shit, but there is no far right conspiracy to burn down florests. A lot pictures used about the “fire” are from different fires in different PLACES from different YEARS. I don’t understand why people are sprending so many lies about the whole thing, everyone seems to be wanting to get a pet on the head for caring and (02/0?)

don’t even bother to check the infos and photos. Again I love your blog, I’m sorry if I sound rude it’s just so frustrating because now everyone think that Brasil is a horrible place where we set fire to our florests and let them burn, or that we have a evil govern that want to destroi the nature. The president is an idiot, but he is not the whole govern. Yeah, anyway sorry - Leticia

Hey Leticia, thank you for taking the time to tell me this. Sorry it took me some time to respond but I wanted to do it properly. 

First of all, as a disclaimer I really don’t think Tumblr should be anybody’s main source of info, more of a springboard to get curious about things. When it comes about politics i often reblog stuff a little impulsively without always checking, which isn’t ideal I guess, but I tended to do this in a very ‘to read later’ sort of way and now that i have more followers it does have a different impact. So I should probably be more careful and reblog those posts to read later on my sideblog. And also when something like that happens and is spread on social media very fast, it’s not always obvious what is actually happening and what is disinformation. So it’s easy to reblog something that turns out to be fake later. I’m not sure that means we should always stop from sharing anything just in case (but be more clear about the uncertainty). But I am sorry for the sloppiness.

I also understand it must be frustrating to see the global media depict your country a certain way. Global attention is fickle, unpredictable and often hypocritical, when suddenly everyone cares about a subject and doesn’t about something very similar, for instance, such as the huge forest fires also happening in Russia. And western countries (one in which live) do have a bad habit of being sanctimonious about other countries’ problems without adressing their own. 

That said I think there is a huge difference between a country and its government and their actions ; i think any government should be amply criticized no matter where they’re from, and it’s not in my politics to refrain from doing so. Horrible things happen in most countries on Earth ; that does not mean that the country as a whole is a horrible place. If people think so, they really should learn some nuance. 

I went to look at the posts I reblogged ; several were made by Brazilians themselves, whose perspective is potentially valuable. I took down those that contained info that turned out to be false. That said I think it’s still very important to listen to Indigenous people regarding the matter, since it’s pretty much their lives and homes that are threatened and they are on the front line. According to Al-Jazeera, global companies who have an interest in deforestation also have some responsibility to carry ; this is an issue with many causes and complexities. 

I went to do more research into the matter and here is what I got from it. Deforestation is ongoing in most of Amazonia, not just Brasil, driven by phenomenon as diverse as growing beef demand in China, illegal mining in Peru or the peace process in Colombia. Although wildfires often happen during this season, according to the Brazilian newspaper El Pais, 

“ Brazil is experiencing the biggest wave of fire in the last five years, according to the National Institute for Space Research (INPE). The institute’s Burn Program, linked to the Ministry of Science and Technology, registered 71,497 outbreaks between January 1 and August 18 this year. The number is 82% higher than the same period last year, when 39,194 fire outbreaks were recorded. The last big wave is 2016, with 66,622 outbreaks of burns between those dates.” 

President Bolsonaro ran on a platform of climate change denialism and removing protections from Indigenous territories so they can be ‘opened up’ to development, making them vulnerable to illegal fires, logging and land grabbing. He refused to consider the INPE numbers as accurate, fired the director and accused NGOs of setting fires. According to another Brazilian newspaper, farmers in the Para region organized a “day of fire” of illegal burning to show the president they were ready to work, followed by a spike in fires, although fires were burning before and some could have been accidents. The smoke in São Paulo seems to have come from fires in the state of Rondônia and Bolivia both. 

The reason why certain events go viral and others don’t is a complicated matter. It’s always a mix of circumstance, context, happenstance, and misinformation is often involved. In this case, I personally think the Amazon is such a strong symbol in the minds of people around the world, the images of  São Paulo were spectacular, and there has just been a global escalation of climate catastrophes. Some people definitely do it for clout, but I think it’s very normal to care about the state of our planet, and the Amazon is a vital carbon stock. Plus a far-right president who seems to function on a Trump-like pattern of denying science when it doesn’t suit him, dismissing climate change and being closely allied with agricultural lobbies. The rise of the authoritarian far right around the world is not a ‘conspiracy’ ; it’s an observable fact. There is a pattern of climate change denialism here. Dismissing it as simply idiocy seems dangerously naïve to me and ignores the wide dynamics at play. I’m not running a political blog so I’m not going into detail about that, but I did study political science and conflict resolution, and this is something that has been happening for years but has gotten so much worse recently. So, even if I think it’s important to be more scrupulous with facts when it comes to raising awareness, I think awareness in general is not a bad thing. Motivating people politically is complicated, especially today where so much seems to be going wrong throughout the world, so I can’t think we can dismiss this just because there was some misinformation going on. 

I do think this post pretty much sums it up - it’s not as apocalyptic as social media made it seem, but the whole situation is still deeply concerning. The blog Hope for the Planet seems a good ressource in general ; the media has a tendency of being very alarmist in order to motivate people and it’s not always the best approach since it tends to make people feel depressed, powerless and not to take any action. So yes, having a balanced picture is very important. 

I don’t really want to get into a huge debate about this but I wanted to take the time to answer correctly. I want to thank you for bringing this to my attention and i will be more cautious in the future. 

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I'm so sorry I told her off, but also glad because I took my power back. And I shouldn't have to make myself submit when I don't want to.

If I'm vanilla for a long time and I just don't feel getting my ass beat purple and blue, then yea, sorry we're not a good match because I'm out here lookin for love.

Not another fwb to get you high and horny, but then there's no love, care, support, or respect for the other's wishes.

Like never again to telling someone I'm a Switch.

I want no bdsm related shit in my next relationship. Cause I'd be damn if I get another emotional reject who can't compromise and understand why I take that quitting, rude af, dismissive ass attitude so fucking hard.

I could have bear her ass. That's how fucking mad I was at Jay and now at her. Cause you don't ever disrespect or disregard another person's emotions after they just told you wtf they just came out of. If you are not equipped to even care or remember how sensitive I am or what the fuck I just told yo ass what somebody did to me and how i react to that shit....don't fuckin say I didn't told you so when you hit that motherfucking button and I flip on yo ass real quick, just because you wanna be a selfish ass dick and i pretty much remember everything single you told me about your family.

Learn how to respect people's pain and boundaries instead being a lazy asshole talking to other women and then like gaslighting like you weren't occupied with someone else...cause I'm not dumb and I'm not stupid. I know the neglectful signs and I'm not finna put up with it anymore just because you don't think it's a big deal.

It's a big fucking deal to. And you're a shitty person who'll have a hard time finding someone else, just because you can't understand or care to listen when somebody explaining themselves.

And to think I wanted to risk going out on a date with you?

You're horrible and you hit like a bitch. I got hurt by alot of women and guys on the app.

Just showing me it's not the right time to start a loving life right now, to cover up the bad one I still feel I just out of 3 mths ago, but it's actually been a year. And the last message they sent me was in January, before I exploded on them. I had blocked their number so they dm me on Instagram, "Did you send these long ass messages?" Like a dirty old grandpa that didn't want to admit that he cared or that he was wrong for ignoring me and leading me on for quite some time. And the neglectful abandonment wounds he knew he tripped over to get me suicidal and depressed like this to runaway from them and never spot on say the reason why I hurt Ayunna by not sleeping with her. It was because I loved him, but he was engaged to marry some ugly bitch who I don't even wanna waste time for seeing again. Because he'll do is look away and not even admit he stole money from me and hit me when I was drunk and not even acknowledge I should have took him to court for several of his actions when he was a lazy, greedy fuck up, a drunk telling me off for trying to be his girlfriend and making it seemed like I wasn't here for love, when really I was. And he couldn't believe me when I said it so many times.

But I couldn't say I love you in person, when Ayunna was always watching, you telling me not to touch you, not to look at you, and even giving me the stank eye just for coming when you're the one who asked me to come over.

You broke up with me long time ago before I ever said I loved you and you lied to me. And said you felt nothing but lust. And then you brought me back again after blocking me for months because Ayunna didn't want us to be friends anymore. You lied to us both.

And she's still here with you.

The reason why I stay away is because of her. Always taking your side even when you're wrong, always breathing under you and on top of you because I look better than her and she was jealous.

I don't look Nothing like her but she tried to make me feel ugly.

Just like how Cinderellas step sisters treated her, right before she went into her castle and married the prince.

He's still married now, but the prince is me.

And I have to build my own castle.

I became a man because somebody's broke my girls heart. I became you and me. In order to leave you and her alone, for good.

I still fight with myself everyday not to go back. Cause how could I? You tried to put me in jail over some texts, cause you got scared and probably petrified that I would even try to come back and hurt you.

For what you said, I remember everything now.

Not only was your father a deadbeat, but so are you.

Everything happens for a reason 😌

Why I'm not sure.

But I'm glad you're not looking for me. Cause trouble follows Ayunna because she's married to an idiot who harasses and blocks the other women who need closure.

And I'll be in my magical castle, that I still need to build in my roommate apartment. And how can I wait 😁

I'm still gonna wear my tomboy shit and crop tops just because I like dudes clothes and tons of pockets to hide candy and gummies in lol 😆

I'm still not sure if you hate me or you like me just because I'm beautiful just like you. And you don't see yourself as that and that's sad, because you were trying to scam me to move into your life and I can't do that.

God won't accept me there. We're not supposed to be-dsm together and I'm not sure what we are....like soul-pals but not soulmates....or at least you don't wanna admit it because I've changed and I used to believe love was just only because you felt good.

But she's not right, Ayunna can't be the only I feel not in love with in order to be a throuple.

She failed us. And I couldn't make her love me or want a bunch of kids for you and me, cause I'd would want to be that dad-mom role too. I just hate bdsm and the way it values and devalues other human beings. It's a very upsetting culture that I have to protect myself from And it's absolutely absurd the ridiculous standards people expect you to do after just scaring you and scarring you into submission, over and over again until you become addicted to pain.

I don't like it and it hurts my back. Triggers my ptsd wounds and childhood trauma. I can't do it.

Cause something else comes out of me each time. Like off of Scooby-Doo movie. Those monsters grew out of Freddy and Velma backs, the first time the sun whipped them out of that brainwash. I can't tolerate pain the same way like you.

I have to become someone else in order for me to endure. And that's either my mom or my dad.

And last time you caught me off guard, so it was me.

My innocence took the hit. And my virginity gone.

I said that's the last time I'll ever get fuckin hit like that. And my emo self was stuck in that imaginary apartment. The same one at Clovertree. My body still remembers it. But thank God he helped me free her from there, so now it's just us. Me and my dad.

Because I became my father when my mom pushed me to fall, and I felt his spirit catch me from falling backwards. I've never had to be so strong, to even fight myself from hurting her.

But now all he wants to do is protect me, even if that means no boys or girls who think like boys to become them later and try to take advantage of his daughter.

He hated that I tolerated it and now I even stood myself up to mars cause she tried to do the same thing and she ain't no dom. I know the difference.

[blackrupee]

Wow your life sounds complicated right now I'm sorry for that. So you aren't gonna have any managers what the fuck? And OH MY GOD I hate when people come in to eat so close to close!!!! ( I work @ zaxbys) if someone is acting passive aggressive I would act even more passive aggressive- make that bitch regret it- regarding the 2 guys: 2 guys is better than no guys:))) wish the first one didn't pressure you though. How did the 2nd one hurt you? - and I care so don't worry about boring me

hi hello would you like to read a novel on my life thanks i talk too much (tldrs at end)

nah like.. we had been managing with a general manager and 3 assistant managers even though we really need 4 so as not to overwork anyone. we recently hired a new one from a corporate arbys (we’re franchised) and two just quit. like i mentioned, theyre not coming back even though the original plan was that their new jobs would be only temporary (6 weeks). sooooo now we have a general manager who only works weekday day shifts, one assistant manager who is relatively new (she had been working at this place for a while but was promoted to manager 6ish months ago) and another who is brand new but still has some experience. they said theyre looking to promote from within initially, but they might have to hire outside people if no suitable potential manager is picked. id love to get manager pay and its not like managers do anything hard so id be WILLING to be a manager..like the whole reason why i got trained on backline was because we have such a big turnover rate with backline people since it fucking SUCKS and i was wanting to be helpful and flexible. so like. thats what i offerred. but one assistant manager was like “lmao all youd do is swear at the customers” and im like bitch when have i ever?? i talk shit about them all the time but ive only sworn IN FRONT OF a customer twice and neither time was it directed at them. but i mean im sitting on a small handful of customer complaints so its not like the gm would even consider me probably. idk dude. i can be nice if you pay me to be nice. but i get paid to do food and do it fast……….so

but yeah literallyyyyyyyyy i have no idea how people can be so??? inconsiderate???? and they dont??? care??? im learning that my contant frustration with people in my personal interactions is due to a disconnect between what i value in  expectations and what actually happens. like. when i go somewhere i already KNOW what i want, so i say it quickly and competently. i preface a lot of my interactions with people im requesting food or services from with “i’m sorry but…”. i phrase things as “could i get” as opposed to “get me” or “i want” which sound HELLA rude tbh. id always have my money ready at the window or the register, im always trying to pay attention and not miss anything or just….be rude in any way bc i know fast food fucking sucks. i know some of the people i interact with probably hate their job as much as i do and i want to be the smallest burden i can be. and it seems like nearly no one else has these same values???? and i dont understand how people can just??? be? so? inconsiderate?

also yes bitch im the queen of passive aggression. literally the night before i was working a short shift and my friend was closing frontline and this bitch was closing drivethrough. i just got the okay to clock out and i was like “bye! have a beautiful night! just know that i love you so much and ive everything ive ever said has always been fake until this point! never meant anything ive ever said until now especially if your name starts with k or ends with ristin (drivethrough girl/the one whos being so difficult is named kristin) but just know that i love you!” and basically being really dramatic and extra as satire.

i guess for context the whole reason she decided to be mad at me was the other night when she was drunk and was like “do you even likeeeeeee meeee i feel like you hateeeee meeee wahh wahh wahhhh” even though im like…..yes bitch i enjoy your company? i joke/use hyperbole/satire/irony/whatever a lot but like occasionally id be like “ey yo you know its all jokes right u know i love u right” just to ensure that she knows but she fucking. ignores it all. i feel like she so desperately WANTS me to hate her and tbh i got fucking sick and tired of hearing her complain all the time about this shit! i fucking hate repeating myself! so sure. if you want me to hate you so fucking much there. i hate you. i fucking hate you so fucking much. like is that what you want to hear? is that validating? are you fucking happy?

its so fucking frustrating

but i will not be held accountable for her decision to be upset. because thats what it is. she wants to be upset, and she wants me to be responsible for it when its literally not my responsibility. i am absolutely not going to stand for this shit like i kind of want to say its emotional abuse lmaooo but im just so fucking sick of it. 

everyone knows that i take chicken tenders and turnovers that would be thrown out at the end of the night and she was closing frontline yesterday and made a point to throw out the turnovers right next to me without asking if i wanted any/leaving any for me. i mean i completely expected her to be that petty of a bitch so it was kind of funny tbhonestly. also im p sure she unfollowed me here lmaoo

with regards to the guys and this paragraph could get a bit tmi/nsfw: yeah the first one kind of sucked but i feel like a little bit of the New Person Nerves have worn down so id do better if we were to hookup again. because like i totally would love to have fucked him but…..anxiety. he was hot tho. like 10/10 body and ass holy shit. plus he complimented me on my ass eating so (assuming that was genuine and not a vapid ego boost haha paranoia am i right) hopefully he comes back for seconds. 

second guy ive had a longish history with. started talking to him at the beginning of last fall semester and we hooked up kinda regularly for about a month. things fell apart, we both understood that we wouldn’t be good dating wise but still enjoyed meaningless cuddles. whatever. it got to a point where he would only hit me up like once every month and a half or so and towards like january-ish he hits me up again. so im like nice cool lets chill. im getting ready for this but my phone is in the other room. while im doing this he drove by my place to pick me up (since he was on his way back from nashville), didnt get a response to an “im here” text (bc i was busy and tbh not expecting him to do that), and left. he lives within like walking distance tho so im like “?? sorry i was busy are you still out or should i walk over?“ and he texts me like “sorry hold up a thing just happened” and im like…….okay. so im just.. waiting around for him. periodically texting like “hey are we good for tonight and whats going on?” because like there was some drama with his friend? hes like.. apologizing and shit but this goes on for an hour. BUT. the ENTIRE time he’s dealing with this friend problem or whatever he’s literally on grindr. and at the end of this hour im like in full blown paranoia panic mode and i literally text him something mentioning this and he BLOCKS ME ON GRINDR so im like ??????!!!!??? and i text him (all while saying “not to be crazy or paranoid bc im probably coming off that way but like could i get an answer or something??”) AND HE LITERALLY SAYS HE DELETED HIS GRINDR. but thats a LIE because i have a secondary account to see like……if guys are still on grindr/if a thing with a guy might turn into something more like if i see he’s not on grindr as much?? thats prob incredibly stalkerish and probably really creepy but hey. thats me. so i KNOW he lied to me but i cant really say “hey ur a liar” without disclosing this weird creepy stalker part of me (funnily enough this isnt the first time a guy has lied to me and i caught it with my secondary account! so it proves to have some function use in the end. not totally crazy). so. yeah. that was the incident. after this i dont trust him at all, and i still dont, but i had it in my mind to like somehow get him to fall in love with me just so i could break his heart for doing this? never really worked out. so now im at the point where im like….eh he’s a piece of shit and i hate him but ill cuddle with him bc it feels good

back to nsfw/tmi: the sex was okay. he’s weird about people being near his like….dick and stuff because he was raped and i totally get it bc i was too but he was comfortable enough for me to finger him and my finger still hurts from where he clenched when he came lmaoooooo. was totally hot tho. and i got to east his ass so im like eyyyyyyyy. its been so long since ive eaten ass so having it two consecutive nights in a row has been cathartic.

tldr; we have 2 assisant managers and a gm rn. looking for more

tldr; bitch. same.

tldr; bitch. same.

tldr; he’s a liar