#sorry for being inactive again my depression got worse haha

[schadenfredde]

From my and @tempest-loupnoir 's Jonawagon Swap AU where Jonathan and Speedwagon switch lives

Baron Zeppeli does not like Jonathan.

Speedwagon, on the other hand...

[i-got-it-at-hot-topical]

“Anytime”

My first one shot in forever! Yay!  Seriously, though, guys, I wanted to apologize for being so inactive up until a month or so ago. There’s been a lot going on with school, applying to colleges and all that jazz, but I graduated high school almost a month ago (about when I started posting again :P)!! So that’s exciting :) Quick life update: I’m going to UMBC in the fall to major in psychology, and eventually I’m planning on going to grad school to get a doctorate in Physical Therapy so I can become a physical therapist (obviously haha). So I’m super excited about that!  Anyways, this wasn’t requested, my inbox is actually empty right now (I think somehow all of my messages got deleted...so sorry if you had sent something in! Please feel free so re-send it if you would like), so if anyone wants to request anything, be it an imagine or one shot, go right ahead and I’ll try to get on it as soon as I can! Or if ya just wanna drop in and say hi/start a conversation or if you have any questions or anything like that, I would appreciate that, too ;) Enjoy! 

(Y/N) = your name Warnings: themes of depression/anxiety, language

*          *          *

With the life you were living, it was a no-brainer that you were gonna have your fair share of bad days. When they occurred, you managed to pull yourself through them with the help of your friends, and you kept your head up. Because that’s what you were supposed to do. 

But you knew something was wrong when you started feeling worse and worse, and more frequently than before. And not even because of everything that was going on. It just felt like there was this constant fog always clouding your thoughts, and no matter how hard you tried to make it go away, it wouldn’t budge.  It wasn’t even just feeling sad. It was the tiredness, the ever-growing irritability, the worry, the feelings of low self-esteem. For the first time in your life, you felt absolutely worthless, and you didn’t know why. 

So you started distancing yourself from everyone. Maybe it started as an unconscious action, but when you realized you were doing it, you started to think that maybe it was for the better. If no one knew you were suffering, then no one would worry about you, and things would just go on as normal. Anyone worrying about you was the very last thing you wanted; you didn’t want to become annoying or be a nuisance. 

This went on for a few months. You would hunt, kill a few evil sons of bitches, come back to the bunker, and then retreat into your room until someone informed you of another case. And it worked out well. You didn’t get in anyone’s way, you were still a sharp and competent hunter, and while you were working, you were able to keep your mind occupied. The trouble only came when you were locked up in your room, with nothing to distract you from your thoughts. Sure, you had Netflix, and you spent countless hours scrolling through social media, but it was never enough. Your mind kept drifting off and ended up in dark places.

It’s not even like you matter, your brain would tell you. Sam, Dean, Cas, everyone...it’s obvious that they all love each other more than they could ever love you. Hell, I’m not even sure if they like you. You’re nothing like them; not a good hunter, not a good friend, not even a good person. I’m sure they’d all be better off without you.

Most of the time, you were able to push those thoughts away, even if only for a second, and distract yourself with solving long division in your head or some other ridiculous thing until you were able to stop ridiculing yourself. Other times, though, like today, you broke.

You tried to be quiet, you really did, but apparently you’re a louder crier than you thought, because after a few minutes of it, there was a light knock on your door. “(Y/N)?” you hear Sam call, kindness in his voice. “You alright in there?”

“Yeah I’m fine!” you reply, trying to sound as normal as possible. There’s a pause, and for a fleeting second, you think Sam is going to leave you alone. But he cracks the door and peeks his head in, and you know that once he looks at your face, there’s no hiding anything. Still, though, you quickly wipe your tears and try to play it off. “I think my allergies are acting up. The pollen count must be really high today.”  Your voice cracks on the last word, giving you away, and Sam gives you a sympathetic smile, making his way over and sitting beside you on your bed.

“Wanna tell me what’s going on?” he asks, and you shake your head, tears escaping your eyes, and you bite your lip to keep from making any noise. He tilts his head and raises his eyebrows, though, making it clear that he’s not giving you a choice; you’re going to have to talk to him, whether or not you want to.

“I just,” you hiccup. “I’ve just been having a really hard time recently.” Sam nods encouragingly at you, and suddenly, you spill everything. “I’ve been feeling really fucking awful, and I don’t know why. I feel like the world is crashing down around me and I can’t do anything to stop it, and I feel like a fuck up because I can’t do anything right, and I’ve been so damn irritable lately, and I feel like I’m being a bitch, and everything just really hurts right now and I’ve been feeling this way for a really long time but I didn’t want to say anything but now I have and oh God Sam I’m so fucking sorry.”

You start crying again, putting your hands over your face. Sam clicks his tongue in sympathy and wraps one arm around you, his hand rubbing up and down your arm soothingly. He uses his other hand to gently remove your own from over your face, and to take your chin to force you to face him. 

“(Y/N), look at me.” Reluctantly, you lift your head slightly to meet his eyes, and he gives you a small smile before continuing. “I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay? First of all, you don’t have to apologize for anything. Anything at all. You can’t control how you’re feeling, and it’s okay to not be okay. Secondly, you’re not a fuck up. I promise you’re not. You’re a damn good hunter, you’re one of the most kind and compassionate people I’ve met in my entire life, and you’re an absolute joy to be around. Honestly, I think I speak for everyone when I say that most of the time, you’re the one holding us all together. I know that recently you’ve been distancing yourself -” Your eyebrows raise slightly at this, and Sam chuckles. “Yes, I’ve noticed. So has everyone else. We’ve all been worried, you know.”

“I’m sorry,” you mumble. “I thought that would be the best.”

“It isn’t though,” Sam replies. “All you’re doing is shutting yourself out from the people who love you most, and the people who want to see you happy. Like I said, we’ve all noticed that you haven’t been yourself lately, and all we want to do is help. We can’t do that if you don’t tell us what’s wrong, though. Even if you don’t know what’s wrong, talking about your feelings is really a good way to feel a bit better, even if only for a moment.” 

“I just didn’t want to annoy you guys, especially since we all already have enough to worry about. And I didn’t want to look weak, because I know I’m supposed to be strong and I know that -”

“Hang on,” Sam cuts you off. “You’re not ‘supposed’ to be anything. Talking about how you’re feeling isn’t weak; recognizing that you’re not okay and asking for help just shows how strong you really are. It sure as hell isn’t an easy thing to do, and it’s definitely not fun, but it allows other people to love you and to help you get through whatever’s going on.”

“I know,” you sigh. Deep down, you knew that you couldn’t get through this all on your own, you just didn’t know how to bring it up.

“I want you to talk to one of us whenever you’re not feeling great, okay?” Sam tells you.

“Okay,” you reply, sniffling. At least I’m not crying anymore, you think to yourself. 

“C’mon,” he says, smiling and standing up. “Dean left a little bit ago to pick up some dinner and should be back any minute. What do ya say we go pick out a movie for us all to watch when he comes back?”

You smile back and get up, wiping your eyes. “That sounds great.” As the two of you walk down the hallway together, you look up at him. “Sam?”

“Hm?” he hums in response, looking down.

“Thank you.”

“Anytime, hon,” he smiles, wrapping an arm around you and giving you a hug from the side. “Anytime.” 

[soovaryit]

A year on from my diagnosis, I feel like I’m stuck in some sort of ovary themed groundhog day. I am in the exact same amount of pain and today I’ve come home from scans where they found another cyst/endometrioma in the same place as it was this time a year ago.

It's been a year since my lap where they were unable to do any excision because the active patch of endo I had was so close to a blood vessel that it couldn't be interrupted. Most inactive patches were scarring on the abdomen and pouch of Douglas, which cleared up because of a three month spell of back to back contraceptive pills.  For people who are interested to know about experiences of the coil with endo, mine has unfortunately not been a positive one. By no means would I tell you not try a mirena - you absolutely should! In terms of emotional side effects it has been the best treatment I've had so far (I think, as far as my scrambled brain can tell). But it's done nothing at all for the pain and I still have regular and excruciating periods. They became slightly lighter for a while but are now getting progressively heavier. When I question GP's on why this could be I get a shrug and 'well that shouldn't be happening.' To which I always want to say ‘Haha no way really? My body always does was what it should be doing so that's weird’ *worlds biggest eye roll*

The pain ever so slightly improved for a few months after the lap but I think that was a combination of a lot of rest and wishful thinking. Now I have the Mirena coil which my consultant, amongst others, flippantly told me made it 'impossible' for the endo to grow (which I later found out is entirely incorrect). Different treatments work for different women and the fact is some don’t work at all, and only regular surgery will keep it under control. Although you should never lose hope, the one thing I've learned is to never take a doctors word as fact as it’s such an under researched condition and a lot of what they say is based on opinion. Mine in particular was a Gynaecologist- a very vague umbrella term meaning they will generally have no special interest or knowledge of endo but keep experimenting on patients with drugs/treatment with no regard for how torturous the process can be and the psychological issues surrounding medication constantly fucking with your hormone levels. If you can wait or if it's possible - go to a specialist endo clinic and get someone highly skilled because it's what we deserve. This is a good place to start.

So now, a year later, the pain I got on my right side which was caused by the active endo (and a hemorrhagic cyst for a while that I was told was cleared up by the pill - who knows) has come back tenfold and aches almost constantly. Today I had a transvaginal and pelvic ultrasound scan. I always find pelvic ultrasound scans upsetting because I associate them with nice things, like babies, and the painful irony that the same test is used to attempt to determine your fertility (‘Congratulations! It’s a cyst!’) seems a bit like salt in a wound. As I sat in the GP toilet crying and wiping goo off my stomach I found it very hard to remain positive and hopeful and imagine a time where I won’t experience routine disappointment and the feeling that my body is against me.   In the next couple of weeks I have a sigmoidoscopy to check for endo growing on my bowel/large intestine. I got an enema for this sent to me in the post which was a treat. If nothing is found or can be removed I'm told I'll be referred for MRI's to look for endo that has grown deeper i.e. not on the surface of organs, but tissue that has penetrated the walls of them (sorry that my medical jargon is absolute shit - I can barely get my head around a lot of it and investigating further only serves to make me anxious at the moment). I also have my first pain clinic appointment where they may not be familiar with endo and they definitely won’t be familiar with the bone condition I have and yet again I’ll sit and explain to a room of doctors that I honestly don’t know what to do or try anymore and hope that they’ll come up with a solution.

Endo always comes with that feeling of being in limbo - do I want them to find that more has grown? Hopefully in a place where it can be removed and maybe I'll have a length of time with less pain? Or do I want nothing to be found so that I don't have to have more surgery, investigations and worry.

It’s the paradox of wanting your pain to be legitimized but never being able to fully come to terms with the aggressive and endless nature of the disease, as well as feeling reluctant to keep going with investigations because the exhausting pain leaves you with a complete lack of motivation. The fact is you can build yourself up as much as you like and endo will probably knock you down eventually. As one aspect might get better, another could get worse and that’s something that you just have to be ready for. It’s a constant balancing act: trying to be resilient whilst allowing yourself to be vulnerable, guarded yet open, hard but soft so you’re ready for disappointment but don’t live in a constant state of expecting it. Maintaining all of this in a situation rife with anxiety and uncertainty is really fucking hard.  

The fact that it’s still not taken seriously is especially difficult when I read about other women, the incredibly strong and resilient and wonderful ones on the support groups I'm part of who have had years of their life ruined by endo. They have had organs removed, patches growing on their spines that are so painful they can't lie down, hysterectomies with the promise that they are a 'cure', that in fact don't help at all and leave them heavily scarred and infertile. That is something far worse than my own pain right now, and some of these women don't have support like I do. The treatments are all experimental, not proven to work and given to you with no knowledge of long term side effects. The next treatment that has been offered to me is Lupron, an injection which puts your body into early menopause, with all the issues that come with it: hot flashes, increased sweating, night sweats, tiredness, headache, upset stomach, breast changes, acne, joint/muscle aches, trouble sleeping, reduced sex drive, dizziness, to name a few. This is all with no guarantee of pain relief or healing the endo and a small 6 month period of usage because of the effects it has on bone density. There is also no time frame on when your fertility/cycle will resume as normal and when it does, chances are the endo will come back. As you can imagine, at the age of 24, whilst trying to navigate big and small life decisions, make new friendships, find a healthy relationship, adjust to moving city, going back to education, managing depression/anxiety and two chronic conditions, the thought of having this put on me as well is far too much to bear.

I have had a relatively pain free week but I am so aware of what will be coming in the next few and now that I'm back at university after over a month off, I'm feeling the stress of it all. Today I'm hoping to hear back from jobs I've applied for but could just as easily be calling in sick as soon I start, back to crying in the fetal position and feeling guilty for not being able to do what 'everyone else' does on a daily basis and instead resigning to the fact that for one week a month I’ll be on the edge of despair and the three weeks before will be spent anticipating it. As much as I don’t feel like it right now I’m going to try and end this with something positive, the fact that new treatments are being trialled and are, to an extent, successful. It’s not too much of a comfort seeing as they’re all US based and in early stages and unproven but reading these things can give you a glimmer of hope. In a lot of ways I’m hugely better than I was last year and that’s something that’s important to appreciate. If you have endometriosis you’ll probably understand the bittersweet feeling of a diagnosis and how it at least prompts you to make life changes and fully acknowledge ways that you can make yourself feel better. In my case I moved, changed my lifestyle somewhat, stopped getting into unhealthy relationship patterns and started studying something I love, and those are all good things. I felt mega embarrassed writing this because my usual way of dealing with anxiety after medical procedures is to shut down completely and not acknowledge how shit it makes me feel but it’s probably time to change that. As usual feel free to messages with endo questions or anything else because I am very happy to answer them.

[survivorpanem]

EPISODE 5 - “YOUR SPONSOR JUST RUINED YOUR CHANCES” - JASON

[9:58:57 PM] Seamus: If u wanna donate ur money to help Jordan I'd very much appreciate it 

[10:09:40 PM] Seamus: Or like exactly 1 haha 

literally WHO the fuck is this and why is he asking for my money like A MINUTE after i lose my last tribute? where's the compassion?? the empathy??? anyways sorry @jordan (who?) and @jaiden (who??) but ur sponsor just ruined your chances of me supporting you bc i'm that petty (selfie) #lianawasrobbed #nicolewaspushed

Liana and RJ hatched a cute little plan to throw immunity and send me out of this game.

Yet, it was Liana that got the boot. It was her plan, it worked, and I'm still standing on top.

How poetic.

Okay so the last thing I heard before the vote was Jaiden... Then Liana gets voted out... Okay sure that makes sense glad someone told me! Liana didn't talk to me at all when I tried to warn her so I went to JC and was like nevermind I don't care I'll vote out Liana because she's not answering me so I'm down for whatever and they said it was still Jaiden. I mean right before the vote they did message me and say SOS but my drunk ass wasn't looking at my phone or paying attention to the time so like maybe they did try to tell me but I don't know either way now that I'm sober I'm realizing I was left out of the vote and I'm over that happening to me honestly like you lie to me and leave me out it just makes me angry and makes me ready to slit some throats. Right now I'm a snake in the grass, not really noticeable I'm just there laying low but damn I'm getting ready to bite some ankles and take people down

The one person I was closest to in the game, Liana, was voted out last night. I was not too happy about this, especially considering the fact that Jaiden is probably the most disliked person on this cast. I am not sure what happened to cause her to be voted out but I am hoping that we continue to win these challenges, otherwise I fear I may be in a position that could cost me the game. Naturally though, the people in this game have rarely any conversation with me at all to begin with and being the lone representative of a season kind of gives me a lot of pressure! I say that a lot because it is true, not for bragging rights.

Panema isn't spelled the way it looks

Jaiden I drafted u and ur starting to annoy me but as long as u keep getting me points that I can use to help Jordan then I don't care.

Okay o m g my tribe actually really pulled through in that immunity like girl!! And omfg I can't believe I successfully blindsided Liana, she reeeeally had to go she was way too powerful. And now someone from arma can be going home BLESS!! But there's one downside, like the only two people I don't want to see go on arma are Jakey and Isaac, especially jakey because I trust him, and then Isaac because he's my contract and like we have rocky(?) trust idk. But apparently jakeys name was tossed around so I hope he manages to survive somehow because apparently they were saying Constance too which would be a BLESSING because Constance never speaks to me and rubs me the wrong way like I feel like they attempt to be shady and funny but it really just falls flat and it's kind of odd. And like how are we at f13 and we still have like nothing of a connection, I've even been speaking to Jordan! And I actually like them a decent bit.

And omg I got so much tea from Samantha, apparently Allison wanted her to come to arma to be an easy vote which Liana warned her about ajshzhsbs (sorry Liana hehe) and there's an alliance of Isaac, Allison, Andrew and Jordan which doesn't surprise me, though I thought Constance would be included in that alliance...ugh that means those four probably control the vote and Jakey will probably be going. I DONT WANT HIM TO GO PLEASTHE.

Well Liana is gone and I'm super sad because I did trust her. On the other hand I heard she was trying to throw me isaac allison and andrew under the bus and yikes. Constance sat out of immunity which i dont get because she was on all day but w/e. I want to try and save her but pretty much everyone on the tribe wants her gone so I really can't do much about it...

hieeeee. so yay my tribe won immunity! it feels good not having to stress about voting someone out again because last week me jc and samantha literally submitted our votes when there was like 1 minute left because we didn't know what to do. i like how i made jc stress out thinking liana had the idol and was gonna use it on her and get him out when i actually have the idol. hehe. i'm such a good ally, right? LISTEN i needed some entertainment and that was very entertaining! so i been thinking.. yes i miss liana but losing her wasn't the worse thing possible. merge is probably coming up soon and i know she would have been untouchable due to her big ass alliance. rj hasn't messaged me since i kinda blindsided him and voted liana out over jaiden.. oops? rj basically has no choice but to trust me at this point though because he literally doesn't talk to anyone or do anything. right now my trust goes.. jc = samantha > rj > jaiden. i NEVER thought i would be working with jaiden.. okay i wouldn't really say trust though because i know how much of a lose canon he is and i know he literally exposes things when he know's he's leaving so i just need to keep all information away from him. IN OTHER NEWS. king kevin sponsored me :) his message was literally so nice and i know i may sound like a FREAK but i loved his little message and it made me smile. it's good to know i have at least one supporter out there ;') kevin gave me a "rabbit trap" which means i can expose someone's vote at tribal council. hehe. i'm gonna hold onto this for the future and hopefully i can expose some little rats :)) THANKS KEVIN I APPRECIATE YOU!

Ok so this tribe has been pretty cool. I feel like I am in a good place with everyone on this tribe except for Constance. Gotta admit though...its literally depressing how inactive my tribe is though. Literally no one but Jordan (and jake like a day late) responded about a video. In any other season the video I made would have lost in a landslide. Oh well, Liana left and I am not upset about it. After our incident during the Dylan tribal I am glad to have one less person with a reason to vote for me.

So then this new challenge came out and a couple ppl asked to sit out which was fine cause it was an endurance comp. But Constance made this huge stink about sitting out...and then sat on call with us while we did the challenge. Gurl. Allison doesnt have power but you needed to sit out so you could be around for the entire challenge and just not do it? Wtf! I hate these humans. Whatever we lost. Hopefully it will be unanimous for Constance. I never trust that what I think will happen will actually happen...so I feel like I might get voted out tonight...who knows? I certainly don't. Maybe it's just paranoia.

So Liana went last round which is pretty good for me considering she was targeting me, Allison, Andrew, and Jordan but I really do enjoy Liana as a person but whew but on the negative side, Jaiden is still here. I really really don't like Jaiden and the way he plays. But we lost the challenge because we forgot Allison didn't have power and Constance sat out even though she was here? So originally we were going to vote out Jakey but then the argument was presented why should we get rid of someone who actually tries just because Constance is a number when we could probably get the person who tries and his ally as numbers as well? So yeah it seems like the vote has flipped to Constance. Plus Constance was always closer to Liana. Sorry Constance I love you to death but you should've been a little more helpful and a little more trustworthy.